Thom Vlog: Why My Holidays Were Not the Best
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- Опубліковано 27 сер 2024
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I’m so moved by how open you are Thom❤️ my Christmas was not the best at all unfortunately. I had to deal with a passing this year and also having a first Christmas without them was really hard for me. I mostly spent the day balling my eyes out and not leaving my room. Luckily I had a family who somewhat understand and made sure I was alright. I would not like to remember this Christmas at all if I’m being honest. I am although super thankful for the gift and love I have received when it was time to exchange the gifts. To the people in the comments and Thom: I am so proud of you and everything that you do. You are loved always and even if you seems that no one is there for you, just know that there’s always people surrounding you filled with nothing but love and warmth. Happy holidays and on to a new year for everyone 💞
Thanks for sharing Thom (don’t call it unloading, that’s not how it feels on the receiving end!). Christmas memories are always a high point, a benchmark in our lives. As we age we recall these days like they were the best ever. Christmas was always fêted on my Mom’s side, while New Year was on my Dad’s , and they were entirely different kinds of gatherings. Building up our own ways of going through that season is very difficult because, as you mention, some things never come back, people go on to lead their own lives and become distant.
This year we did as per usual a gift exchange. It’s an ap on which you post a gift list and the ap chooses who you will be matched to. It was marred a bit by our 2 daughters bitching and harping on the net a couple of weeks earlier, and to compound the uneasiness, one was the other’s match for the exchange. There’s only so much you can do to make things comfortable for everybody in a family gathering. Personally it upsets me a lot and I have a lot of issues with my younger daughter hating her sister so much. I love all my children to pieces, so I put that aside - I’m not going to make that MY problem !
Every year my wife makes a Best Wishes card that she sends to all our friends and family, with new pictures of all of us (including the dog). She told me she was sending one to my aunt (the last survivor of her generation) and one for me to send to my brother, who lives in North Carolina. Of course me being me, I misunderstood and assumed she had also sent it to my brother. 2 days after Christmas she asked me if I had gotten a reply from him, so I told her no. ‘Did you send the card?’ she asked. Oops ! I will try to make amends by calling him on New Year’s eve, but I could have done without that stupid slip.
I agree with you regarding the YA novels. It fills an emotional void but at the same time makes you more aware of why there is one in the first place… Anyhow, it’s my outlet of choice these days, so I’ll take whatever makes me feel good. Come next week I start a new (part-time) job with mentally handicapped adults. It’s a milieu I know well and it will force me to get out of the house. I look forward to that.
Thanks for creating these occasions to share, Thom. Hopefully it does you as much good as it does to us al !! ❤
So Christmas was weird nice way to describe a family Christmas. First of all my Grandfather passed away in July he lived with us for a while before he passed away. So first Christmas without him. Then my little sister 11 years younger brought her boyfriend and his two kids to Christmas and we had never met them. Then I remembered why I hate being single when everyone was here with their own families. I ended up drinking too much wine and wishing everyone would just leave. Now I’m spend New Years Eve with an migraine. Ugh! Thanks! 🌞💙
Christmas always makes me feel really, really single and also sad about family members we have lost. I am fortunate to have family I am close to that I spend holidays with, but we're a small family with no nieces/ nephews or grandchildren and it's easy to feel a bit lesser when all the media images are of big family gatherings. And then I feel ungrateful because I know I'm lucky to be close to the family I do have! It's so much easier to enjoy holidays that don't come with a whole heap of social expectations. Thanks for sharing and I'm glad that the weather at least has improved. I went for breakfast and a walk today with a friend I haven't seen all year, and that was probably my favourite holiday activity so far. 😀
Thank you for being so open, Thom.
Huge hugs to you. That's a lot all at once. I know what you mean about even saying goodbye to a house being a thing in and of itself. After my grandma passed and her house was sold, it felt so weird to come to terms with the fact that was just... gone now. For us, anyway. I even had my kids there so started building those unique memories that way too. Grief is very personal and takes so much time. Years down the road something random can hit you too. Combined all that with the family and the horrible damn cold and no wonder things were rough. You're always welcome to reach out to me to vent, cry, rage, whatever. ❤️
Thank you for sharing, Thom. I'm glad to see you're feeling comfortable enough to be vulnerable with your audience. Know that we're always here to listen and empathize. We might not be actual friends (with the limits that come with parasocial relationships), but we care.
I'm sorry to hear your holidays weren't the best. There is a lot of pressure and expectations around this time of the year, we're bound to feel lonely and/or excluded for not blindly embracing the manufactured joy that's all around us. But you are not alone! These are difficult times for so many reasons.
I had a fairly good Christmas, all things considered. I was able to see my brother who lives in another province, and my whole family was reunited for the first time in a long while.
I've been on a self discovery journey this year and, although it was nice to see everyone, I couldn't help but feel like a fraud, like no one there knew who I really am. We don't see each other very often and I feel like everyone has an outdated idea of me. Your story is a reminder of why it can sometimes be safer/ more comfortable to conform to that idea. But I also think there's power in being authentic and I admire that strength in you. It's something I still have to work on.
But for now, I'm going to enjoy the rest of my vacation. 😌
Christmas puts a ton of pressure on people. I use to think of it as little plays going on in millions of households and people want them to be cozy feel good plays but so many turn into tragedies.
I’m so sorry that you were stuck inside for so long with health issues and emotional baggage on top of it. I’m happy for you that you are feeling better now ❤
Hey, Thom.
Things sometimes don't work out the way we'd like them to. My son, as I think I've already mentioned, is gay and was rejected by his mom. Yes, his mom doesn't like him because he's gay.
Due to it, I divorced her last year, because, and above all, my son is my sunshine.
We've been living together since then, and it's been an amazing experience for he's a great teen, an awesome human being.
When you mention the transness "misunderstanding", I remember Elle (HS), when she tells Tao (episode 7) that Harry is transphobic and made her feel miserable. My son felt miserable because before coming out, he used to be really close to his mom.
For some people, being an lgbtqia+ person is being wrong, abnormal, strange. If people only respected, that'd be great.
Don't worry because your sweetness and politeness made us like you pretty much. So, you're not alone.
I do love sunny days and hot weather because they make me feel much better. Winter makes me feel pretty bad, indeed.
Christmas? Nothing out of the ordinary because my mom passed away last March. So, my son, my bf (surprise!!!) and I didn't celebrate it like Xmas. Just like an ordinary holiday. We binged some series, watched a movie (Single all the way), ate and drank.
For the coming weekend? The same stuff.
In 2023, my son and I have decided that'd be okay if Brian came to live with us. Both like each other very much; and as my son says: "Dad, you're gonna have the chance to have a fresh start".
So, Thom, believe me: things are gonna get much better for you.
My bf? This is another story. If one day you feel like listening to it, I'll tell you.
Cheer up, Thom!!
My Holiday wasn’t the best either. I had to pretend to be happy for my sister and her husband who just recently had a baby who was just born a few days after my birthday, even though I have a lot of grievances towards her. My Mom tells me to get over it but it doesn’t just go away just like that. When I my sister announced she was pregnant during a family gathering a few weeks before her wedding, I didn’t take it very well. I overheard my parents and sister talking about how I reacted, and my dad said it didn’t matter how I felt about it. And my mom and sister didn’t even say anything in response to that. They all just expected me to be okay with it. This even brought back memories of when we got my dog one Christmas when I was in high school. All it did was remind me that my dog is no longer with me. But my family was just happy and excited about the new baby visiting this Christmas. Everyone in my family moved on from my dog’s passing except me. I cried really hard when the day was done. Not only did it prove that my sister is the golden child of the family, it just makes me feel more alone in it. It just made me hate that holiday even more. Christmas just makes me more and more depressed.
Sorry it's been tricky for you Thom, I hope sharing has lifted the burden a little bit as it sometimes does.
Long slab below, but the TL,DR is thank you, Thom, for being open about this, and to all who struggle around Christmas time, you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you. Christmas is a construct and we seem to have made it into this unattainable thing, but it's nonsense. You look after yourselves as best you can, and that will be a good Christmas. Lots of love to everyone ♥
Slab if you can be bothered:
I've never felt "home" anywhere physical, and as far as I remember Christmas was a high pressure time when my mum had to play perfect hostess for her abusive mum and my father's misogynist dad. Add to it growing up convinced my emotional needs meant scratch and I should always placate everyone else, and it makes an unhealthy combo.
Now I live abroad, have been abroad for 11 years with my horse (he's my home) and a cat, both "rescued" from places they were abused and mistreated. Christmas can go one of two ways for me:
* My choice, I spend it alone, I go on a ride with my horse, have a routine lunch by myself (I now have a cat too, that I adopted and who displayed signs of having been beaten, I have a knack for these creatures lol), chill with my cat, read books, write, watch films, go back to see my horse. It's another regular day, nothing special, because I don't have anyone to celebrate it with and anyway it's gone so commercial and such a competition to have the perfect day.... Yuck.
* Sometimes I have to go to France and it's often very tricky - I'm also single, have been for 12 years, and it's so lonely and difficult to be the eldest of 4 girls and the only single one - one's married with 2 kids, one in a civil partnership with one kid, both own their homes, and the youngest has a boyfriend and they live together. I still can't afford a home in the area I found a dream job and dream colleagues in so I'm still renting. Anyway, if I go to France I also feel bad for my horse, who spends most of the time stabled and gets bored and depressed, and I try to navigate family dynamics and expectations.
Even in England I'm constantly bombarded outside and inside by the spectre of ending up a crazy cat lady, forever alone.
Also turns out I have endometriosis. And we haven't yet found something that handles the pain, so I'm basically at the mercy of random bouts of discomfort at best, excruciating and debilitating pain at worst. It's compromising my professional life and my personal life, especially the care of my horse, which is my umber one priority at all times. So, yeah. Not great - I had a huge spike in pain yesterday most of the day and this afternoon for four hours again.
Anyway, I think it's good that people are more and more open about Christmas not being this golden event, this heavenly occasion where everybody has a splendid time. I know I needed to hear that because I've spent the last however many years feeling ashamed that I didn't enjoy Christmas, and as a teacher when the kids notice my lack of genuine enthusiasm (I can't lie) they are so gobsmacked it's another kick in the "You're really a weirdo and will wind up alone" spot.
Wow even after going back to shorten my comment it's still a long one...
Anywho, take care everybody!
Hi Thom, I was very moved by your openness and honesty. I've always felt the built-in or commercialized expectations of the Christmas season are completely unrealistic and overblown, especially for any family with dysfunction (which is probably most families), which makes it a nearly impossible fulfillment. On the other hand, those same expectations can allow families to create wonderful times together, as your childhood memories attest (however, I think your personal experiences of family bliss are probably in the minority of most, and certainly mine. I have zero happy memories of family gatherings, but that is a whole other bag of worms!). I would also remember to be considerate of just having gotten over Covid. There are long-lasting effects no matter what most people want to believe. It's entirely possible that Covid may be amping up your seasonal affective disorder and also intensifying stress. I am not speaking as a medical professional but as someone who had Covid and knows many others dealing with long-term Covid effects. My husband, a medical doctor, agrees with these summations of Covid effects. It could be playing a part in the scheme of things. I am also sorry that no one corrected your brother. He probably just made a mistake, but it would have been nice if someone had listened more closely and pointed out the error. It would have been validating to be acknowledged. You are a brave and courageous man, Thom, to make such an honest and feeling video. I congratulate you on speaking your mind. Best wishes for a happy New Year!
Sorry to hear about your holiday and seasonal depression. I also am very sunlight motivated so winters are not my favorite.
Hopefully the gaffe by your brother was completely unintentional and he will be more sensitive to you going forward. I’m sure he has his holiday stresses as well.
Take care and big hugs 🤗
My Christmas was good. Me and my family didn't go to our annual Christmas with my dad's side because of the weather and he was working all day on Christmas Eve. We did however go to my brothers house one Christmas Eve night to see my nieces and nephews. So sorry about your Christmas blues. Just forgive your brother for that small mistake even though I wished someone would have said something about the mistake that he made. I also had a grandma who died a few years ago that had a house just like that as you felt at peace despite what was going on in the world. My grandma always gave everyone presents just so you had a good Christmas. It didn't matter about the presents as long as we was together in peace with no fights. My uncle's used to watch football and talk about football on Christmas when they had it on TV. I didn't see my mom's side of the family at all except my grandma and grandpa who sadly both passed so we don't get together with that side anymore... my mom hasn't seen my aunt in 17 years so we don't hear from her at all as well. Everyone's Christmas is different each other but as long as you are with someone who cares, the presents don't matter, it's family that should matter because you never know if you'll see that person again as I learn from my grandma who passed almost 2 or 3 years ago in August
As always, thanks for sharing Thom. Although I had a pretty good holiday, I’m still going to be glad when it’s over and things get back to normal. I hope you have an amazing 2023!
My Christmas wasn't great either. My car doors were frozen shut so I couldn't go anywhere and my new downstairs neighbor decided to start smoking like a chimney. It warmed up now, but I am still trapped by ice that has not yet melted, breathing in the scent of tobacco, chemicals, and whatever they put in cigarettes these days. I have to keep telling myself things will improve. Maybe my new neighbor will be evicted. Bad for her, good for me!
Again, I’m sorry your holiday was not so great, and hearing why I can certainly understand why it had you feeling down. I already knew my Christmas was not going to be like any other I’ve ever had, because it was pretty much just my mother and me. my sister has a spent time in the hospital and then a rehabilitation center the last few months and had just moved into an assisted living facility, and I knew that she wasn’t physically able to come have Christmas with us and that my mother was not physically able to go have Christmas with her because of, well, physical limitations. but my mother and I had ordered the Christmas dinner from Cracker Barrel that is designed for 4 to 6 people, so at least we were going to have a meal together. then when I started the preparation‘s I discovered that instead of having cornbread dressing and mac & cheese like we were supposed to, they gave us two mac & cheeses and no dressing, and I was really looking forward to the dressing.
I had started heating the ham in the oven and then was going to the assisted living facility, which is only about 10 minutes away, to visit my sister. But when I got there, I discovered that she had been moved to the hospital on Thursday, but nobody had ever called to let us know. So now I knew I would have to visit her in the hospital after dinner, rather than while it was cooking. I got a room number in the hospital for my sister, and after the meal, which turned out well it was very tasty with lots of leftovers, I eventually went home briefly before going to the hospital. I went to the fifth floor, where the room should’ve been, and there was absolutely nobody on that floor. I also couldn’t find that room number, so I ended up calling the hospital on my phone and finding out that I had been given the wrong room number and that she was actually on the seventh floor. I visited with her and gave her some chocolates that I had brought, and then after about half an hour I left. At that point I proceeded to spend the next 35 minutes looking for my car, mostly in the parking garage where it was freezing cold. It turned out I was on the wrong side of the building, but by the time I found my car I was cold and exhausted.
So that’s the story of my less than stellar Christmas day. At least I was able to enjoy the days leading up to Christmas, looking at my tree and listening to Christmas music. And I’ve been enjoying the leftovers, of which I still have plenty.
Sorry your relationship status is reinforcing your holiday blues. When I was younger, single and living across the country from my warm and loving family, I would create a celebration for others like me, friends or not. I had a handle on cooking, so I would invite, in person, anyone who was alone or on their own. It could be the actual holiday, or Id claim a Kwaanza day, or another Epiphany day marker. We always had good food and eager ears to hear about the good or bad old days. Do yourself a favor and assemble your new family. No one can replace granny. But you would honor her by creating that special loving place for new friends. And escape your own loneliness. Be the joy you miss!
That storm messed up my holiday plans too! But there is always next year.😇
Thom, thanks so much for sharing with us. I'm glad you're feeling a little better, and from experience know that talking about my sadness/depression/issues helps some.
My holidays were pretty good. Pleasant family time at my sister in law's house, but this time of year is definitely bittersweet because of all the relatives that are no longer with me. Although the losses of my mother in law and step mom happened less recently than the loss of your grandmother I can definitely relate to the pain of them no longer being with us, and I definitely get you grieving the loss of her house. I try to take comfort from past memories and feel gratitude but it's not always easy.
I imagine you may have checked into using a SAD light to help you. I'm not that familiar with their use or how expensive they are, I just know they've helped other people with your condition.
Speaking of gratitude, my brother has just written a self-help book that is available to download for free online. It's short, helps you relax and be grateful, and has cute monkey illustrations so I hope you and others reading this check it out. I hope it's not too inappropriate to put the link here. I don't use other social media and don't really subscribe to other UA-cam communities so this is the only place I have to help spread the word.
It's www.ohanomethod.com/
I hope you continue to feel better, and that the sun comes out at least enough to improve your mood and melt some of the snow. Hopefully making more Heartstopper (or Skam?) videos will be a good distraction for you, and highly appreciated by me/us.
Hi Thom! I'm catching up with your videos and I'm super behind as you can see. I need to get through a year's worth of videos to know how your 2023 chrimbles was!
Just wanted to say thay I also suffer from SAD and living in England doesn't help one bit 😢 The clouds, the rain, the wind, and general weathery yuckiness😫. You get very cold winters in Chicago, but I bet you get much more sunshine than London.
🌤🌤🌤🌤🌤🌤🌤🌤🌤
I agree with the comment that it's totally unfair that we can only give you likes, when we want to give you ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Thom, my brother has lived in the States for 35 years now. Sometime last summer I asked him out of curiosity if he dreamed in French (our mother tongue) or English. He thought about it and said he dreamed mostly in English, but when it was about me, our parents or his youth, the dream was in French. Maybe your brother unconsciously thought of you as his link to his own childhood and the wrong gender pronoun slipped out without him realizing it ? Just hypothesizing here. What’s important is that he loves you.
Even though we only talk every 4 months or so, my brother is the most important person in my life after my wife and kids. He’s the one I came out to when I was 16. I’ll never forget his patience waiting for his tearful lil’ brother to finally blurt it out. Maybe a one on one conversation would help sort things out ?
I appreciate you sharing your experience, Thom. I think the holidays are hard for a lot of people, but maybe they feel ashamed to admit that because it makes some people uncomfortable to hear.
Personally, I relate to the feeling of relief after Christmas is over bc of the pressure you mentioned to have a “merry” Christmas and “happy” holiday. My holidays have not been necessarily happy for years, at least not in the way American society expects them to be. And that’s okay.
I think it’s important to remember that the holidays and/or a Christmas can have whatever meaning you want it to. Heck, in South Korea, it’s a day you spend with friends or a date, not family, and in Japan, KFC is the meal of choice.
For many Americans and people around the world, Christmas is about receiving presents and ideally spending time with a loving family. But that is not the reality for many, so they feel like they’re not doing it right. Maybe they feel uncomfortable around family, or don’t have a family, or don’t receive any presents, or aren’t invited to any Christmas dinners. First of all, there is no shame in being alone on Christmas. Sometimes it’s a choice to do so because the other options are toxic or stressful. And sometimes maybe you wish you weren’t alone, but that’s your reality for a season. But whatever the situation, there is no shame in it.
One option might be to redefine what Christmas or the holidays mean to you. Personally, I have chosen to focus less on gifts and social activities (or lack thereof), and more on giving and spreading joy to those who might need it. Volunteer work, random acts of kindness, lending a helping hand to a stranger, inviting someone to church if you worship, donating items, sending a Christmas card, planning a fun experience for someone else or for yourself, can bring the true spirit of Christmas into your life. I also try to treat myself at Christmas as well. I bought all of my Christmas gifts this year because and they were exactly what I wanted, haha!
I’ve also learned that it’s okay to say no and do what’s best for me even when people don’t understand it or are offended by it. Life is to short to constantly apologize for being yourself to make others happy. This is a very long winded way of saying: Love yourself and others the best you can, without sacrificing your mental health. And there is no shame in redefining the holidays or ignoring them all together because the meaning is relative and what you make it. Congrats to all those who survived 2022 by the way. That’s something to celebrate! 🎉
So sorry about your Christmas blues. I'm disappointed no one corrected your brother in CA. Maybe you could mention it sometime. He sounds cool, but just made a mistake Nonetheless,another family member should have spoken up. Hopefully your other brother was just busy or whatever. I kind of have a grandma like yours what your feeling makes so much sense. I can relate to reading romances and feeling VERY single, even though I love them, lol. My Christmas was ok. We didn't do it until yesterday, because my sister had been exposed to COVID. It was nice, but my main issue is that I have been having a really bad cough that is A LOT like the cough I had when I was diagnosed with cancer almost ten years ago. And it has been going on almost a month, The cancer is extremely rare, so the chances of me having it twice is very slim but you know, not nothing. I'm also worried it might be pneumonia or something. (and medicine is not helping much.). Luckily though, my doctor is squeezing me in to an appointment tomorrow . Also, I really just don't have time for cancer. A LOT is happening next year, and last time I was out for like 6 months. So just incredibly anxious. I did watch HS though today, which always brightened my mood.
Thinking positive thoughts for your doctor's appointment today!
@@modestysnooze6154 Thank you so much. Most likely it is just a Winter thing, but so relieved to get this appointment.
Fingers cross for you and hopefully you can come back and let us know how it went, if it's not too much of a reach to ask 🫂
@@stephr2980 Thanks! Now the stupid medical place is saying I can't go because I have a cough, but I know I don't have COVID, Hopefully, I can still go. (It is not the my doctor's fault, she is great, just the not nuanced questionnaire. )
@@saschabittner8155 oh crap. If you test negative isn't that enough to still go?
Thank you for sharing, Thom. That is so much in so few days! I'm sorry if I added to the pressure to feel happy or if we made you feel like you had to make happy holiday content for us. Always, but especially with all of your own struggles going on. We're always happy to be your substitute therapy group. (Edit 2: Although this group therapy substitute where you allow us to vent our own problems in the comments always has the flaw (well, it probably has many flaws, but...) that everyone gets unconditional hearts from you except you. We can only give you likes. This is unfair and I will hear no different. ❤(
I will do a proper comment when I reach the end of the video, but holy heck you remind me of someone and I can't think who. Charles Leclerc? A bit? Can you do a French accent so I can confirm? :)
Sorry it wasn't the greatest. Misgendering sucks, even though I'm sure it was accidental, and some people just don't know how to react to making that mistake. Still, acknowledging it and apologising would have been good. I hope you can take a deep breath and leave it in the past, and hope future interactions will be better - who knows, maybe he'll have gone away and done some learning so he can be better next time.
I feel ya on the house. Both my Grandma's, and my parents' house (my childhood home) have gone, which is really weird. They're both where I spent Christmases as a child and young adult. I did go to my hometown to go up the cemetery on Christmas Eve (my brother would not have appreciated flowers, but he damn well gets them anyway on Christmas) and that was weird enough.
I have nothing to vent, I don't think. Christmas was fine, just me and the other half for most of it, though we visited my parents one day in between Christmas and New Year and got to meet their new dog. I'm beginning to think Christmas is a bit overrated - it's nice and all, but I'd rather have the days off work later in the year to use as I please!
Sending hugs your way. Also, please Google Charles Leclerc, cos looking like him is fucking goals, and you're winning at them.