I love the allowance system. It's so important to learn how to save money and to learn what happens if you spend all your money on small things vs saving up. I think people underestimate how much getting an allowance helps kids to learn how to manage money as they get older.
I love the way you approach rules. General categories and working with each child. Each child is different and has different traumas and behaviors so I love that you tailor your rules to the kids instead of a standard across all of the kids. You really do set the kids up for success and I think that is a wonderful way to parent!
Mr. B trying to get out of having a chore made me laugh, at least he's being a smart negotiator! ;) But they all sound very lovely and helpful over all.
I LOVE the way you and John go about the rules, chores, etc. by getting to know the children at first and not overwhelming them the moment they get in the door. I think your way should be standard.
yes every home i went to I was sat down and told exactly what all the rules were was very traumatic being placed in 9 homes from 11 to 18 plus put with 3 family members the system is broken buts its nice to see family's like this that care
I’m definitely a fan of the overarching rules system. A summer camp a went to as a kid and still so some volunteer work at only has 3 big rules that encompass everything. It’s so much easier to remember a few big rules then a ton of smaller rules and also makes it harder for kids to find loopholes
Commented for the first time the other day and now I am commenting on every video! I am so grateful that the little ones in my care (4 and 5 year old) love helping so much. I used to struggle to get them to go play while i cleaned the kitchen and they didn't want to (or know how to) play independently so they would just fight or scream. Now I just give them little tasks like throwing things in the compost or wiping down the placemats and even if they are not super effective at the chore, it keeps them engaged and happy and they enjoy being in the same room as me. The 5 year old has started thanking me for washing dishes and while I don't expect praise, it's super sweet. He was soooo proud of himself when he was allowed to help me take out the recycling.
When I was in foster care I was "allowed" to not sleep in the shed (her punishment for anything really, she had already shaved my then hip long hair off). No allowance ever for me! I was 8 years old and reseeding her yard with grass...that I was very much allergic to. She didn't even take me to the doctor the lady across from her called 911 because I was turning blue in the driveway. She still got me back >.< I was stuck with that woman for 14 years.... I really appreciate you caring for these babies the way you do!
I am so sorry to hear that, some people should not be allowed near kids. Hopefully nowadays they are more careful... I wish you all the best in the future and thanks for sharing :(
@@BeTheVillageCommunity I learned what NOT to be thankfully. I have 5 wonderful kids and am finishing up a current home study! I just really hate all the things that I saw happen to others and myself. I'm very proud of you and your family!
@@larisad.832 I wish they were, in the area I am from I know for a fact she is still a foster mother even after myself and others reported her millions of times. Thankfully I learned what NOT to be from her.
after watching your channel from the beginning and being only 19, every video just clarifies my decision to be a case manager & future foster mom, thank you for all that you do & sharing this information really helps a lot of us aspiring to do the same things one day🤍
That’s awesome. When I was in foster care they had a long list of all these rules and it was so overwhelming and felt like chores, school, homework, chores. Bedtjme.
We give a point everytime they complete their chore (or when we catch them doing something extra/kind). They can trade in their points when they have enough, but it is only for relationship-based activities, such as a hot-chocolate date, dinner date, or bowling date. They can choose which foster parent they want their date with. This reinforces attachment and we aren't handing out money that would be used on more plastic toys or sugar. With older kids, blending points with money would be valuable to teach them how to manage money.
This is such a consistent yet flexible way to implement rules with new foster kids! Love it 🥰💕 I dont know why I'm so interested and invested in your channel, I'm 21 and I still live at home 🙈🤣
I'm 22 and though I am young, I have been trying to learn about fostering and adoption so that I may be able to start the process of becoming a foster mom (and hopefully adopt too!) sometime in the next 5 years. Your channel has given me so much guidance and perspective, and has really solidified the idea of fostering for me. I truly feel like it is something I am meant to do, but I want to do it right and with a the best situation I can provide, and I have thought very carefully about this and your videos really help. I love the idea of gradually incorporating rules from a trauma informed perspective. I can tell you both truly care about the kids entering your home, and I thank you for that. I hope the transition to a family of 7 continues to go smoothly for you all! Thank you so much for providing a foster parent's perspective and showing what it means to be a healthy foster family! -Mari
You're such a good parent. All the kids, bio or kiddos who came to you, are going to be set up for such independence and self-pride as you help them build these skills. They'll see that they are capable, appreciated, and truly a part of a family unit. Love it. And I totally agree with the allowance thing. My parents did it similarly, and it's made me really value my money. I have such good budgetting skills as an adult because of this. :)
@@BeTheVillageCommunity this was super helpful. I went ahead a couple weeks ago (as part of our licensing) and identified some of the rules we anticipate having. Of course, like you said, it will vary on a case by case basis. After your initial video about adjustments, I rewrote them in terms of overarching topics, which I really liked. (Also, I definitely used the EXACT same template in Canva before I saw yours. Great minds. ☺️)
I love how you made the rules easy to understand. One can really see how much you care and that you really thought about how they can profit from this!!
It is smart that you acknowledged only listing rules that are challenges/ opportunities. I would be tempted to list everything possible but this makes it more consumable!
U just stumbled appon your channel. My husband and I are just starting the process of getting certified her in Oregon. Your video have been very helpful.
We have four rules: 1) Respect each other. 2) Respect the dog. 3) No means no. 4) "Mom" and "Dad' have the final say. We have a four year old right now and these seem to work great for her though we do add other little things in day by day the more we get to know her.
I don’t know why but respect the dog made me laugh. I’m just imagining a sign that says “respect the dog” with no other context But seriously those sound like good rules
@@Lauren-rx9fv Without giving too much context and to respect her privacy I'll just say that rule number two was added specifically for her. It has made a huge difference though! I'm glad it gave you a chuckle.
I love this and how positive you are about chores and allowances ! as an adult I struggle getting in the habit of doing certain things like laundry and making the bed because when I was raised chores were presented more as punishment / busy work rather than for a purpose of pulling your own weight in a shared space in a fair way. I would have probably loved to do chores are your house as a kid !
I like the way you have your chores and responsibilities set up. My dad said when he was growing up his allowance was a roof over his head, clothes, and food on the table. I understand that logic also though. I'm 30 years old and live with my parents. So I still help out, typically cleaning the bathroom and washing towels. I'm lazy though so I have to motivate myself LOL! In my opinion I clean it best out of anyone in our house! I am going to buy a swiffer wet jet mop though and have to find one of those bubble things you put in the bath tub so I don't have to crawl on my hands and knees to clean the floor and the tub.
I really love how y'all do things. The chores, the allowance, the rules. I think it teaches such important life lessons, when given chores beginning at a young age. And allowance teaches them about money. So many kids now days have not a clue how much things cost, how to save for certain things. And I have seen entirely too many teens and young adults who had every thing done for them who move out and have no clue how to properly clean, cook, do laundry. My daughter helped me cook, so she is now a good cook as a young adult. She learned money management at a young age as well. And picking up after yourself should be taught to all kids.
From what I can tell on your videos, you both have a quality that is essential in working with children of any age. You genuinely respect them as human beings, first and foremost and regardless of their situation. Without that, there’s no foundation to accomplish anything, other than house them. Your limited rules are basically what I implemented during my teaching career, except I had just one: Do no harm. I figured if it was good for doctors, it’s good for the classroom. Students were quite adept at being able to explain how their behaviors may have broken this cardinal rule, even if it was doing harm only to themselves.
You know what might be something cool you can have all the kids do is make dream boards. Statistics show you are 62% (strange number I know) more likely to make it happen when you write things down. It does work and it would be interesting to see what they put on it.
I love the way you approach rules in your home! Its easy to understand, stable, and predictable. I think letting kids have an allowance is important, so they can learn how to spend it or save it, etc. I never had any money till I got my first job so I had to learn all that the hard way.
I love when you give us parenting videos because our parenting style is so similar you have the best ideas! Stealing the allowance for your age tip! We will see how that goes
As long as there is no reason from the caseworker that they can’t, yes they can. Considering there are situations where a parent could be an abuser and so that contact would be limited/monitored.
Hey, I definitely think it's the right approach for younger kids. But from personal experience (not foster care, but staying with other Families for up to a year) it gave me a lot of security if the Families told me the rules straight away. Maybe something to consider for older children (teens). Hope you carry on doing this wonderful job :) All the best to you and your lovely family :)
This is a system that is not gonna work for me persoon, but I wanted to say that I still appreciate you sharing it, because it is just as helpful to learn what won't work for a specific situation as it is to learn what will work. Edit: And that is not to say that it is a bad list or that it can't work for other people, it just says it doesn't suite my particular situation
This was very interesting to watch. It's really sweet how you really care about those kiddos and make sure that they are comfortable before throwing rules and chores in their faces. I was an exchange student in the USA and my first hostfamily gave me chores right away but didn't really talk to me or try to get to know me better so it felt awkward and not very welcoming. I like your way of approaching things, it's much more sensitive.
It’s so clear how much thought you put into these things! If the kids stay with you for a little while, will the chores change as they get older? I’d imagine they would I’m just curious about your take on how to navigate that
I didn’t have an allowance growing up so it hadn’t occurred to me that it might be mandatory in some areas for foster kids. It’s good food for though since were hoping to start the process to become foster parents next year.
Im adopted and my A mom wasn't really around and didn't want to be cuz of I guess our adopted behaviors. We never got the structure guidance and lessons. Honestly after research and life and all that thw structure scheduling task etc are mega important for an adoptee it helps us feel grounded in the world and productive and teaches us responsibility
I don’t know if this is a good idea but if kids want to go further out I’ve seen people use long range walkie talkies. I love that you use large encompassing rules vs. many nitty gritty ones
Absolutly love this. My husband and I are currently in the process to become foster to adopt parents and we absolutly love your videos!! Thank you!!. :)
I like how you do your chores and responsibilities on the child! So many are not used to that they could of been just told to do it! Nice of you to discuss it with them. Good idea on the allowance! Plus seems really fare. I know if foster kids that were expected to do all the chores and families kids did none! (And families kids were as old or older than foster kids! I was never so glad the kids got moved! They were one of my son’s friends . Plenty of folks saw it and let the work know! She stopped by unannounced and saw for herself. Thank goodness. Because those kids were really good kids that were just in a bad season at there hone.
I LOVE that you call out that rules are the same for all the kids. I worked respite with families who had adults in their home who were developmentally disabled and it always frustrated me to no end when they would come to my house and talk about how rules were different or they had different expectations. One of the ones that really made me mad was that they were expected to use the money they got from the state to essentially buy their own Christmas and birthday gifts. In my mind, there should be no difference between the kids placed with you and your own kids regarding how they are treated. If you wouldn’t treat your own children that way, they shouldn’t be treated that way either. Can you elaborate more on the mandatory vs not mandatory allowances, is this something set by the state, agency, etc? As I watch your videos I understand more and more that there is a difference between someone who is running a foster home (for lack of a better word) and a foster parent. A foster home is just a house/home that takes the kids because there is a need. A foster parent is a PARENT, someone who teaches life skills and things they can take with them regardless of what happens. You’re definitely foster parents and I love you for that.
The main rule with my foster teen is no social media or electronics other then T.V. and laptop for homework. Behaviors have been way better and haven’t ran away in 4 week! I feel bad that I have this rule even though it’s needed for my teen.
I don't know how old your child is but I know that in this generation social media is the main point of contact with the vast majority of my friends, especially during COVID. If your foster child doesn't seem like they're missing devices then that's great but if they are please understand that it's not just "kids these days", technology can often be a very important coping mechanism and tool for teenagers
This all sounds great, and very well thought-out. I was just wondering, though; how do you handle it when you have two or more different foster kids at once, with different needs, abilities, and backgrounds? Like, suppose you have a family rule about closing the door when changing clothes, bathing/showering, et cetera, but one child is scared to do that, because they were abused behind closed doors in a previous home? Or, what if one child has a birth parent or another relative who buys them more for birthdays, holidays, and other occasions, and it feels unfair to the other kids? Or, I read somewhere that if a foster child asks for a long-lasting body modification; even something as simple as getting their ears pierced, then the answer has to be "no," unless you get permission from their birth parents. But, again, wouldn't that feel unfair to them if another child arrived with pierced ears, or if Darcy asked to have it done, and you were able to say "yes?" I love the way you understand that "fair" isn't always identical for all the kids, but how do you handle it when doing the right thing appears unfair to them for no good reason?
Thank you for sharing these informative tips. It would be appreciated if you could say something about how you handle it, if a kid is constantly doing the chores incorrectly or not doing them at all? Having in mind that the chores have been adapted to the ability of the child.
I have to fosters who are much more money savvy as this relates to the activities that led the parents to have the children in foster care. How do you handle money when a child has threatened to run away and has many family members in the neighborhood, although not suitable for being a safe foster home.
What is your opinion about bunk beds my wife is a Foster mom she's thinking of getting bunk beds that cage are 5 and 4 she wants to get rid of the toddler beds
Do you think it’s ever confusing for Darcy with the changing of the rules or because the overall rules are so encompassing theres little to no difference?
How do you balance surprising kids w a bonus for helping out and preventing kids from expecting to get "paid" every time they do something extra or a good deed?
I think for me, "always try" would have been better than "always do your best". I am pretty prone to perfectionism and not being satisfied and the latter would not have felt encouraging, more pressuring. So I really applaud your approach of observing and adjusting because I can say from my experience that all children are different and react differently.
Is there a way that you can donate a lesser amounts towards a foster kids wish? I wanted to help towards a specific wish that I saw on your page but I'm still in college myself so I can't afford to grant the whole wish but I'd still love to help. Thank you in advance for you help and thank you for all that you do!
Are these allowance amounts usual in your area? It seems a lot to me but that’s probably just my family’s circumstances and also it’s been a couple of years since I was a kid. So I’m just curious. Also I read an article that it’s more beneficial for kids 10 and up to get a monthly allowance instead of weekly because at that age kids should learn the ability to spread out their money over a longer period of time. Is this something you would consider for Miss B? ( you could multiply the 14 dollars with the amount of Sundays a month or your allowance days if you have a set day they get it, so that it’s fair)
That’s a good idea, but now that we have this set as the expectation we will continue with it. As for if it’s high, I honestly don’t know. I didn’t have allowance growing up. I got a job at 14 and started buying my own stuff.
@@BeTheVillageCommunity maybe you could propose it to her in a couple of months or at the beginning of the new school year? (If she’s still with you then of course)
@@nicoleisabelle3012 I do think your right about teaching them valuable lessons, but the truth is it is also more dangerous. That big amount of money can buy things that he or she shouldn't have access to, think of drugs, alcohol, tattoos... I knew friends who would pay X (adult) 10euro to buy them beer, that type of thing. I am grateful I did not have so much money when I was little... I know you can say " but if they want to do it they can save money anyway", which yes you are right. But if giving them weekly money instead of monthly reduces the chance of something like that happening, no matter by how low, then why not do it. Why enable dangerous rushy buys when by having to save up it gives them enough time to think through their purchases.
@@larisad.832 I see your point but if they want to do these things they obviously can save up for it as you said. Handling larger amounts of money and budgeting is an important life skill to learn so I really think that slight decrease you are talking about isn’t really worth it compared to the benefits. (Unless maybe the kid has struggled with these behaviours in the past)
@@larisad.832 I got that amount of money 10 years ago when I was a teen and it was not a large amount of money then and I got a summer job as soon as I could. That’s a few weeks for a video game, a few months for bigger purchases. I’ve never gotten a tattoo because There is nothing I’m sure about getting but also because they are SO EXPENSIVE. This way kids get a little experience with a relatively small amount of money to buy relatively small things rather than turning 18 and getting a job on their own not knowing what to do with it. Kids make bad choices sometimes so as adults we need to teach them and more importantly give them the skills to make those choices, taking away the choice from a kid teaches them nothing.
We approach the "rules" similarly. Basically; respect, we use kind words, we use gentle hands (ie. No hitting), we tell the truth, we say sorry. We are relaxed. We get to know the kids & go from there. Its so cute that the 6yr old helps with the lil piggies. ❤ I really like how you approach things!
How do you approach makeup with older kids who are wanting to use it? Is that something they cover as part of their allowance or is it something you're willing to contribute to given that it's something of an essential? Love your videos 💕
Thank you so much for another awesome video! You might cover this in another video, or maybe it isn't necessarily something you want to talk about, but as someone who wants to start getting certified soon, I'm curious how discipline works. You have these awesome rules and really do set the kids up for success, but I'm just curious what happens if someone doesn't follow the rules, how does one handle that? ❤️😊
Do you guys have the overarching rules up from the start or is there like a point at which you have a sit down meeting about them? I’m just curious how the take it slow approach works in practice
That’s a whole other video lol! Generally, timeouts for the younger kids, taking away electronics for middle to older kids, reducing allowance... that sort of thing.
This is awesome. Growing up I never even got a verbal thank you when I did my chores or even if I did extra to help out. My friends would get allowance and I was always jealous of that. I’m a huge believer in allowance because it teaches sooooo many valuable life lessons. Thanks for another great video loaded with valuable info!! Do you think in time we might see the kids more in the videos or is their situation/preferences/age just make it best you keep them mostly off camera? Either way, can’t wait for your next video.
They are not allowed to show foster kids faces and info. Its a privacy and confidentiality requirement. That's why they always blur faces, or do shots from behind etc.
Have you ever taken in a child that has never been in foster care before, when they're coming to you directly from the parents? How does that transition look compared to another child that is coming from another placement? This is no where near the same thing, but my mom took on my sister's two kids. It was extremely rough for my niece and nephew, and we are family. I could only imagine how much more difficult it could be moving in with strangers, especially when it is such a new experience.
I like the general idea but I feel like a lot of these rules are very subjective, like regarding devices for example. How do the kids know what you want specifically?
That's the way I feel. As part of a family you don't get paid for doing chores. I have offered the kids an extra treat when I go shopping if I want them to do something out of the ordinary chores. I can also see it being different having foster kids. Probably wouldn't make them do some of the stuff my own kids have to do.
With 5 kids in the house, it makes perfect sense that you film in a coworking space. The editing would be a nightmare making sure what needs to stay confidential is censured
In general I really like the overarching rules thing, but just something to keep in mind - for some kids, like autistic or otherwise neurodivergent kids, it may be a lot harder to extrapolate those little rules from the big ones (like, if you say "doing the right thing" is a rule, and they don't agree with you on what the right thing is, that could become frustrating and overwhelming for them). And since a lot of kids are undiagnosed (especially kids from lower income families, who, unfortunately, are more likely to end up in the foster system), you may not always know that that's what's going on. Certainly not trying to presume anything about your current household! But since you're making these videos to share your experiences and advice with a public audience, I just thought it was worth mentioning - please be patient and openminded. A lot of us have been accused of or dismissed as being intentionally difficult when we really, sincerely didn't understand things we were "supposed to", even by adults who would swear up and down that they knew better. It's very demoralizing, and I'm sure you'd never want to have that kind of miscommunication with any child in your care, so it's something to keep in mind :) Love your channel, please keep it up! I really want to be a foster parent when I'm older, and this has been an invaluable resource for me, so thank you for everything you do!
When I was a kid the rules were just "be mellow and don't huck stuff" lol talk about broad. Id say 90% of the time if I got in trouble my papa would somehow relate it to that I wasn't being mellow XD
I dont want to sound rude but is 15$ enough for a teenager these days? Things are expensive. I cant even get a cell phone charger for 15$ the other kids age fits the amount perfect.
If I was giving that to my kid at that age and they wanted more I would tell them to get a job. You probably can't do that to foster kids. I also don't pay my kids to do chores. That's part of living here.
I think that's actually a great amount. They pay for everything the kids need. Clothes, shoes, food, snacks, and so on. So there really isn't much a teen could want for. Maybe some special makeup or something like that. When I was a teen, my parents gave me 20 bucks a week. And they paid for what my school called an all sports pass. You bought that and got into all home sports game for the whole school year. Plus they obviously paid for my clothes, shoes and food. So really all I bought with my money was some extra makeup I didn't even really need, because my mom bought my makeup, or I bought some cheap jewelry here and there. Snacks at sporting games and not much else was really needed.
@@albertabyers7157 exactly! My brother got to his senior year, I was in 10th grade, she took us school clothes shopping and he decided he wanted all these super expensive clothes and shoes. She told him he better get a job. I was fine with what she got me. Him and I both got part time jobs, I saved my money, he of course bought those expensive shoes and jeans he wanted lol. And now in our 40's, we are the same. I save money and he still spends too much on shoes and clothes 🤣
"He just didnt want to do chores". Bro same💀😂
🤣
I love the allowance system. It's so important to learn how to save money and to learn what happens if you spend all your money on small things vs saving up. I think people underestimate how much getting an allowance helps kids to learn how to manage money as they get older.
I love the way you approach rules. General categories and working with each child. Each child is different and has different traumas and behaviors so I love that you tailor your rules to the kids instead of a standard across all of the kids. You really do set the kids up for success and I think that is a wonderful way to parent!
❤️ wow thank you for the acknowledgment!
Mr. B trying to get out of having a chore made me laugh, at least he's being a smart negotiator! ;) But they all sound very lovely and helpful over all.
Teaching them the life skills and responsibilities of being self sufficient is a great gift to give them
Love your morals and parenting style
❤️
I LOVE the way you and John go about the rules, chores, etc. by getting to know the children at first and not overwhelming them the moment they get in the door. I think your way should be standard.
It’s been working for us so far, hope it helps other families set realistic expectations 💛
yes every home i went to I was sat down and told exactly what all the rules were was very traumatic being placed in 9 homes from 11 to 18 plus put with 3 family members the system is broken buts its nice to see family's like this that care
So true, I would be so intimidated if I was a kid coming to a stranger's house and the first thing they do is give me a list of rules.
I’m definitely a fan of the overarching rules system. A summer camp a went to as a kid and still so some volunteer work at only has 3 big rules that encompass everything. It’s so much easier to remember a few big rules then a ton of smaller rules and also makes it harder for kids to find loopholes
Agreed
I love how you lit up when talking about the 6 year old.
She’s a sweetie, they all are
Why am I a 23 year old single male so fascinated by this topic 😳
🤣
You should really consider becoming a foster parent. We need more good men in foster care
23 year old single female here, I get it 😂
Because single 23 year olds can still be a foster parent(?) 🙂
I'm 23 too. Maybe it's a common post-college feeling?
Commented for the first time the other day and now I am commenting on every video!
I am so grateful that the little ones in my care (4 and 5 year old) love helping so much. I used to struggle to get them to go play while i cleaned the kitchen and they didn't want to (or know how to) play independently so they would just fight or scream. Now I just give them little tasks like throwing things in the compost or wiping down the placemats and even if they are not super effective at the chore, it keeps them engaged and happy and they enjoy being in the same room as me. The 5 year old has started thanking me for washing dishes and while I don't expect praise, it's super sweet. He was soooo proud of himself when he was allowed to help me take out the recycling.
When I was in foster care I was "allowed" to not sleep in the shed (her punishment for anything really, she had already shaved my then hip long hair off). No allowance ever for me! I was 8 years old and reseeding her yard with grass...that I was very much allergic to. She didn't even take me to the doctor the lady across from her called 911 because I was turning blue in the driveway. She still got me back >.< I was stuck with that woman for 14 years.... I really appreciate you caring for these babies the way you do!
I am so sorry to hear that, some people should not be allowed near kids. Hopefully nowadays they are more careful... I wish you all the best in the future and thanks for sharing :(
That is heartbreaking to hear
@@BeTheVillageCommunity I learned what NOT to be thankfully. I have 5 wonderful kids and am finishing up a current home study! I just really hate all the things that I saw happen to others and myself. I'm very proud of you and your family!
@@larisad.832 I wish they were, in the area I am from I know for a fact she is still a foster mother even after myself and others reported her millions of times. Thankfully I learned what NOT to be from her.
after watching your channel from the beginning and being only 19, every video just clarifies my decision to be a case manager & future foster mom, thank you for all that you do & sharing this information really helps a lot of us aspiring to do the same things one day🤍
❤️❤️❤️❤️
That’s awesome. When I was in foster care they had a long list of all these rules and it was so overwhelming and felt like chores, school, homework, chores. Bedtjme.
I think that a having a sense of accomplishment and contribution to a family or community can be a huge confidence boost for kids.
We give a point everytime they complete their chore (or when we catch them doing something extra/kind). They can trade in their points when they have enough, but it is only for relationship-based activities, such as a hot-chocolate date, dinner date, or bowling date. They can choose which foster parent they want their date with. This reinforces attachment and we aren't handing out money that would be used on more plastic toys or sugar. With older kids, blending points with money would be valuable to teach them how to manage money.
Love this!
I love that you are a stable family for these children.
This is such a consistent yet flexible way to implement rules with new foster kids! Love it 🥰💕 I dont know why I'm so interested and invested in your channel, I'm 21 and I still live at home 🙈🤣
Anyone can care about the kids in care and make a difference, no matter the age or circumstance ❤️
@@BeTheVillageCommunity very true, plus I'm training to be a childcare worker so I suppose that has something to do with it 💕
I'm 22 and though I am young, I have been trying to learn about fostering and adoption so that I may be able to start the process of becoming a foster mom (and hopefully adopt too!) sometime in the next 5 years. Your channel has given me so much guidance and perspective, and has really solidified the idea of fostering for me. I truly feel like it is something I am meant to do, but I want to do it right and with a the best situation I can provide, and I have thought very carefully about this and your videos really help.
I love the idea of gradually incorporating rules from a trauma informed perspective. I can tell you both truly care about the kids entering your home, and I thank you for that. I hope the transition to a family of 7 continues to go smoothly for you all!
Thank you so much for providing a foster parent's perspective and showing what it means to be a healthy foster family!
-Mari
I love and appreciate that you not only outlined how you do things, but why and gave examples. The examples really complete it.
You're such a good parent. All the kids, bio or kiddos who came to you, are going to be set up for such independence and self-pride as you help them build these skills. They'll see that they are capable, appreciated, and truly a part of a family unit. Love it. And I totally agree with the allowance thing. My parents did it similarly, and it's made me really value my money. I have such good budgetting skills as an adult because of this. :)
I’ve been waiting for this! On your last video where you touched on this, i totally took a screenshot of the rules, daily routine, and chores!
Yes! I also posted them on Instagram for reference too
@@BeTheVillageCommunity this was super helpful. I went ahead a couple weeks ago (as part of our licensing) and identified some of the rules we anticipate having. Of course, like you said, it will vary on a case by case basis. After your initial video about adjustments, I rewrote them in terms of overarching topics, which I really liked. (Also, I definitely used the EXACT same template in Canva before I saw yours. Great minds. ☺️)
Video has been uploaded for 57 seconds and I’m already here 😅
So glad you are here!
I love how you made the rules easy to understand. One can really see how much you care and that you really thought about how they can profit from this!!
It is smart that you acknowledged only listing rules that are challenges/ opportunities. I would be tempted to list everything possible but this makes it more consumable!
U just stumbled appon your channel. My husband and I are just starting the process of getting certified her in Oregon. Your video have been very helpful.
So glad you found us ❤️
We have four rules:
1) Respect each other.
2) Respect the dog.
3) No means no.
4) "Mom" and "Dad' have the final say.
We have a four year old right now and these seem to work great for her though we do add other little things in day by day the more we get to know her.
I don’t know why but respect the dog made me laugh. I’m just imagining a sign that says “respect the dog” with no other context
But seriously those sound like good rules
@@Lauren-rx9fv Without giving too much context and to respect her privacy I'll just say that rule number two was added specifically for her. It has made a huge difference though! I'm glad it gave you a chuckle.
I love this and how positive you are about chores and allowances ! as an adult I struggle getting in the habit of doing certain things like laundry and making the bed because when I was raised chores were presented more as punishment / busy work rather than for a purpose of pulling your own weight in a shared space in a fair way. I would have probably loved to do chores are your house as a kid !
How are Darcy and Sawyer handling the increase in kids? Love your channel
This is amazing! This is what we do for our family!!
This is such a great way to approach this! The allowance part is great, too.
I love your parenting style.
Well shucks, thanks!
I like the way you have your chores and responsibilities set up. My dad said when he was growing up his allowance was a roof over his head, clothes, and food on the table. I understand that logic also though. I'm 30 years old and live with my parents. So I still help out, typically cleaning the bathroom and washing towels. I'm lazy though so I have to motivate myself LOL! In my opinion I clean it best out of anyone in our house! I am going to buy a swiffer wet jet mop though and have to find one of those bubble things you put in the bath tub so I don't have to crawl on my hands and knees to clean the floor and the tub.
I really love how y'all do things. The chores, the allowance, the rules. I think it teaches such important life lessons, when given chores beginning at a young age. And allowance teaches them about money. So many kids now days have not a clue how much things cost, how to save for certain things. And I have seen entirely too many teens and young adults who had every thing done for them who move out and have no clue how to properly clean, cook, do laundry. My daughter helped me cook, so she is now a good cook as a young adult. She learned money management at a young age as well. And picking up after yourself should be taught to all kids.
From what I can tell on your videos, you both have a quality that is essential in working with children of any age. You genuinely respect them as human beings, first and foremost and regardless of their situation. Without that, there’s no foundation to accomplish anything, other than house them. Your limited rules are basically what I implemented during my teaching career, except I had just one: Do no harm. I figured if it was good for doctors, it’s good for the classroom. Students were quite adept at being able to explain how their behaviors may have broken this cardinal rule, even if it was doing harm only to themselves.
I see all of them as your kids because you are doing a great job making everyone part of the family unit.
You know what might be something cool you can have all the kids do is make dream boards. Statistics show you are 62% (strange number I know) more likely to make it happen when you write things down. It does work and it would be interesting to see what they put on it.
That’s a great idea!
How do you deal with mental health? Have you had any concerns with this topic/do you have mental health days?
I love the way you approach rules in your home! Its easy to understand, stable, and predictable. I think letting kids have an allowance is important, so they can learn how to spend it or save it, etc. I never had any money till I got my first job so I had to learn all that the hard way.
I love when you give us parenting videos because our parenting style is so similar you have the best ideas! Stealing the allowance for your age tip! We will see how that goes
So glad it is helpful!
Never been this early! Love that you observe first and then adapt! You guys are so awesome!
Glad to see you in here early! ❤️
Question: if a older foster child has a phone are they allowed to call their parents if and when they want?
As long as there is no reason from the caseworker that they can’t, yes they can. Considering there are situations where a parent could be an abuser and so that contact would be limited/monitored.
@@BeTheVillageCommunity thank you for the reply!
Hey,
I definitely think it's the right approach for younger kids. But from personal experience (not foster care, but staying with other Families for up to a year) it gave me a lot of security if the Families told me the rules straight away. Maybe something to consider for older children (teens).
Hope you carry on doing this wonderful job :) All the best to you and your lovely family :)
I hear that, Maybe we could introduce the bigger umbrella rules straight away and just do the specific ones after the first couple of weeks.
@@BeTheVillageCommunity That does sound like a good idea :)
This is a system that is not gonna work for me persoon, but I wanted to say that I still appreciate you sharing it, because it is just as helpful to learn what won't work for a specific situation as it is to learn what will work.
Edit: And that is not to say that it is a bad list or that it can't work for other people, it just says it doesn't suite my particular situation
What about it doesn’t suit your situation if I may ask?
This was very interesting to watch. It's really sweet how you really care about those kiddos and make sure that they are comfortable before throwing rules and chores in their faces. I was an exchange student in the USA and my first hostfamily gave me chores right away but didn't really talk to me or try to get to know me better so it felt awkward and not very welcoming. I like your way of approaching things, it's much more sensitive.
You’re good people.
Could you do a video on what the state covers for foster kids? Chores also give children a sense of accomplishment.
Love your rules!
These rules should be in all homes. Great rules.
It’s so clear how much thought you put into these things! If the kids stay with you for a little while, will the chores change as they get older? I’d imagine they would I’m just curious about your take on how to navigate that
Yes, and they can always renegotiate with us. Miss A had a few different chores she tried out before landing on what worked for her.
I didn’t have an allowance growing up so it hadn’t occurred to me that it might be mandatory in some areas for foster kids. It’s good food for though since were hoping to start the process to become foster parents next year.
Im adopted and my A mom wasn't really around and didn't want to be cuz of I guess our adopted behaviors. We never got the structure guidance and lessons. Honestly after research and life and all that thw structure scheduling task etc are mega important for an adoptee it helps us feel grounded in the world and productive and teaches us responsibility
Yasss to taking a trauma-informed approach❤️
If you have a kid or teen with ADD or ADHD the clean room is much more difficult. how would you do the rules w something like this?
We do allowances exactly the same way! We also have frequent extra chores for money, like washing the car.
I don’t know if this is a good idea but if kids want to go further out I’ve seen people use long range walkie talkies. I love that you use large encompassing rules vs. many nitty gritty ones
Love your approach to getting new foster kids! Rules and structure is important
Absolutly love this. My husband and I are currently in the process to become foster to adopt parents and we absolutly love your videos!! Thank you!!. :)
I love your rules. Great video!
I like how you do your chores and responsibilities on the child! So many are not used to that they could of been just told to do it! Nice of you to discuss it with them. Good idea on the allowance! Plus seems really fare. I know if foster kids that were expected to do all the chores and families kids did none! (And families kids were as old or older than foster kids! I was never so glad the kids got moved! They were one of my son’s friends . Plenty of folks saw it and let the work know! She stopped by unannounced and saw for herself. Thank goodness. Because those kids were really good kids that were just in a bad season at there hone.
I LOVE that you call out that rules are the same for all the kids. I worked respite with families who had adults in their home who were developmentally disabled and it always frustrated me to no end when they would come to my house and talk about how rules were different or they had different expectations. One of the ones that really made me mad was that they were expected to use the money they got from the state to essentially buy their own Christmas and birthday gifts. In my mind, there should be no difference between the kids placed with you and your own kids regarding how they are treated. If you wouldn’t treat your own children that way, they shouldn’t be treated that way either. Can you elaborate more on the mandatory vs not mandatory allowances, is this something set by the state, agency, etc?
As I watch your videos I understand more and more that there is a difference between someone who is running a foster home (for lack of a better word) and a foster parent. A foster home is just a house/home that takes the kids because there is a need. A foster parent is a PARENT, someone who teaches life skills and things they can take with them regardless of what happens. You’re definitely foster parents and I love you for that.
I really wish I had a foster family like you growing up 🥺
💔
The main rule with my foster teen is no social media or electronics other then T.V. and laptop for homework. Behaviors have been way better and haven’t ran away in 4 week! I feel bad that I have this rule even though it’s needed for my teen.
I don't know how old your child is but I know that in this generation social media is the main point of contact with the vast majority of my friends, especially during COVID. If your foster child doesn't seem like they're missing devices then that's great but if they are please understand that it's not just "kids these days", technology can often be a very important coping mechanism and tool for teenagers
This all sounds great, and very well thought-out. I was just wondering, though; how do you handle it when you have two or more different foster kids at once, with different needs, abilities, and backgrounds? Like, suppose you have a family rule about closing the door when changing clothes, bathing/showering, et cetera, but one child is scared to do that, because they were abused behind closed doors in a previous home? Or, what if one child has a birth parent or another relative who buys them more for birthdays, holidays, and other occasions, and it feels unfair to the other kids? Or, I read somewhere that if a foster child asks for a long-lasting body modification; even something as simple as getting their ears pierced, then the answer has to be "no," unless you get permission from their birth parents. But, again, wouldn't that feel unfair to them if another child arrived with pierced ears, or if Darcy asked to have it done, and you were able to say "yes?" I love the way you understand that "fair" isn't always identical for all the kids, but how do you handle it when doing the right thing appears unfair to them for no good reason?
Thank you for sharing these informative tips. It would be appreciated if you could say something about how you handle it, if a kid is constantly doing the chores incorrectly or not doing them at all? Having in mind that the chores have been adapted to the ability of the child.
I have to fosters who are much more money savvy as this relates to the activities that led the parents to have the children in foster care. How do you handle money when a child has threatened to run away and has many family members in the neighborhood, although not suitable for being a safe foster home.
What is your opinion about bunk beds my wife is a Foster mom she's thinking of getting bunk beds that cage are 5 and 4 she wants to get rid of the toddler beds
You and John are awesome
Do you think it’s ever confusing for Darcy with the changing of the rules or because the overall rules are so encompassing theres little to no difference?
Good point, I think we will keep the overarching the same for that reason
How do you balance surprising kids w a bonus for helping out and preventing kids from expecting to get "paid" every time they do something extra or a good deed?
I think for me, "always try" would have been better than "always do your best". I am pretty prone to perfectionism and not being satisfied and the latter would not have felt encouraging, more pressuring. So I really applaud your approach of observing and adjusting because I can say from my experience that all children are different and react differently.
That’s a good point, we may revise it...
Is there a way that you can donate a lesser amounts towards a foster kids wish? I wanted to help towards a specific wish that I saw on your page but I'm still in college myself so I can't afford to grant the whole wish but I'd still love to help. Thank you in advance for you help and thank you for all that you do!
Are these allowance amounts usual in your area? It seems a lot to me but that’s probably just my family’s circumstances and also it’s been a couple of years since I was a kid. So I’m just curious. Also I read an article that it’s more beneficial for kids 10 and up to get a monthly allowance instead of weekly because at that age kids should learn the ability to spread out their money over a longer period of time. Is this something you would consider for Miss B? ( you could multiply the 14 dollars with the amount of Sundays a month or your allowance days if you have a set day they get it, so that it’s fair)
That’s a good idea, but now that we have this set as the expectation we will continue with it. As for if it’s high, I honestly don’t know. I didn’t have allowance growing up. I got a job at 14 and started buying my own stuff.
@@BeTheVillageCommunity maybe you could propose it to her in a couple of months or at the beginning of the new school year? (If she’s still with you then of course)
@@nicoleisabelle3012 I do think your right about teaching them valuable lessons, but the truth is it is also more dangerous. That big amount of money can buy things that he or she shouldn't have access to, think of drugs, alcohol, tattoos... I knew friends who would pay X (adult) 10euro to buy them beer, that type of thing. I am grateful I did not have so much money when I was little... I know you can say " but if they want to do it they can save money anyway", which yes you are right. But if giving them weekly money instead of monthly reduces the chance of something like that happening, no matter by how low, then why not do it. Why enable dangerous rushy buys when by having to save up it gives them enough time to think through their purchases.
@@larisad.832 I see your point but if they want to do these things they obviously can save up for it as you said. Handling larger amounts of money and budgeting is an important life skill to learn so I really think that slight decrease you are talking about isn’t really worth it compared to the benefits. (Unless maybe the kid has struggled with these behaviours in the past)
@@larisad.832 I got that amount of money 10 years ago when I was a teen and it was not a large amount of money then and I got a summer job as soon as I could. That’s a few weeks for a video game, a few months for bigger purchases. I’ve never gotten a tattoo because There is nothing I’m sure about getting but also because they are SO EXPENSIVE. This way kids get a little experience with a relatively small amount of money to buy relatively small things rather than turning 18 and getting a job on their own not knowing what to do with it. Kids make bad choices sometimes so as adults we need to teach them and more importantly give them the skills to make those choices, taking away the choice from a kid teaches them nothing.
We approach the "rules" similarly.
Basically; respect, we use kind words, we use gentle hands (ie. No hitting), we tell the truth, we say sorry.
We are relaxed. We get to know the kids & go from there.
Its so cute that the 6yr old helps with the lil piggies. ❤
I really like how you approach things!
Good to hear ❤️
How do you approach makeup with older kids who are wanting to use it? Is that something they cover as part of their allowance or is it something you're willing to contribute to given that it's something of an essential? Love your videos 💕
I think we’d get some for them as a “spoil” thing but ongoing we would encourage them to use their allowance.
I am curious what types of consequences you have for broken rules. How do you approach discipline?
That’ll be a different video for sure
Do you have a printable for these? I would really love to introduce a similar system in my house.
Thank you so much for another awesome video! You might cover this in another video, or maybe it isn't necessarily something you want to talk about, but as someone who wants to start getting certified soon, I'm curious how discipline works. You have these awesome rules and really do set the kids up for success, but I'm just curious what happens if someone doesn't follow the rules, how does one handle that? ❤️😊
If you look at the other comments she did reply to another person about discipline.
@@aprilsmith4333 thank you! 😊
Do you guys have the overarching rules up from the start or is there like a point at which you have a sit down meeting about them? I’m just curious how the take it slow approach works in practice
We should have, we will next time.
Love the channel and u guys. Just wondering how often do they get allowns. Jus interested
I believe she said it's once a week on allowance
I would love to hear how you talk to the teens about technology.
Great topic for another video ❤️
How dose discipline work in your household?
That’s a whole other video lol! Generally, timeouts for the younger kids, taking away electronics for middle to older kids, reducing allowance... that sort of thing.
This is awesome. Growing up I never even got a verbal thank you when I did my chores or even if I did extra to help out. My friends would get allowance and I was always jealous of that. I’m a huge believer in allowance because it teaches sooooo many valuable life lessons. Thanks for another great video loaded with valuable info!!
Do you think in time we might see the kids more in the videos or is their situation/preferences/age just make it best you keep them mostly off camera? Either way, can’t wait for your next video.
They are not allowed to show foster kids faces and info. Its a privacy and confidentiality requirement. That's why they always blur faces, or do shots from behind etc.
We will incorporate them sometimes but we don’t want to expose them too much, even with blurred faces. Appreciate you caring and understanding!
@@peelit4610 yes I know that. They use to incorporate Miss A a lot and just wondered what to expect with these 3.
@@BeTheVillageCommunity Thanks for the reply!
Have you ever taken in a child that has never been in foster care before, when they're coming to you directly from the parents?
How does that transition look compared to another child that is coming from another placement?
This is no where near the same thing, but my mom took on my sister's two kids. It was extremely rough for my niece and nephew, and we are family. I could only imagine how much more difficult it could be moving in with strangers, especially when it is such a new experience.
We have. But we will have to talk about that later in another video.
Great video
I like the general idea but I feel like a lot of these rules are very subjective, like regarding devices for example. How do the kids know what you want specifically?
We don’t want anything, we have a conversation about being safe online
I'm a new subscriber, so apologies if this has been answered. Do foster children get access to therapy whilst in your care?
They do, absolutely
That is excellent, thank you!
I'm all for trauma inform care!
Yup!
That is interesting that allowance is required in some areas. I don't believe in them personally. I pay for extra chores only typically.
That's the way I feel. As part of a family you don't get paid for doing chores. I have offered the kids an extra treat when I go shopping if I want them to do something out of the ordinary chores. I can also see it being different having foster kids. Probably wouldn't make them do some of the stuff my own kids have to do.
With 5 kids in the house, it makes perfect sense that you film in a coworking space. The editing would be a nightmare making sure what needs to stay confidential is censured
It really is.
You had gotten miss A a cell phone does Miss B have one?
I would be the kid that hoarded their allowance 😂
In general I really like the overarching rules thing, but just something to keep in mind - for some kids, like autistic or otherwise neurodivergent kids, it may be a lot harder to extrapolate those little rules from the big ones (like, if you say "doing the right thing" is a rule, and they don't agree with you on what the right thing is, that could become frustrating and overwhelming for them). And since a lot of kids are undiagnosed (especially kids from lower income families, who, unfortunately, are more likely to end up in the foster system), you may not always know that that's what's going on.
Certainly not trying to presume anything about your current household! But since you're making these videos to share your experiences and advice with a public audience, I just thought it was worth mentioning - please be patient and openminded. A lot of us have been accused of or dismissed as being intentionally difficult when we really, sincerely didn't understand things we were "supposed to", even by adults who would swear up and down that they knew better. It's very demoralizing, and I'm sure you'd never want to have that kind of miscommunication with any child in your care, so it's something to keep in mind :)
Love your channel, please keep it up! I really want to be a foster parent when I'm older, and this has been an invaluable resource for me, so thank you for everything you do!
That’s a great point. Thank you!
❤️
Interesting allowance is mandatory in some places. No one I knew growing up ever had it.
Mandatory in foster care that is.
When I was a kid the rules were just "be mellow and don't huck stuff" lol talk about broad. Id say 90% of the time if I got in trouble my papa would somehow relate it to that I wasn't being mellow XD
Haha!
I dont want to sound rude but is 15$ enough for a teenager these days? Things are expensive. I cant even get a cell phone charger for 15$ the other kids age fits the amount perfect.
If I was giving that to my kid at that age and they wanted more I would tell them to get a job. You probably can't do that to foster kids. I also don't pay my kids to do chores. That's part of living here.
I think that's actually a great amount. They pay for everything the kids need. Clothes, shoes, food, snacks, and so on. So there really isn't much a teen could want for. Maybe some special makeup or something like that.
When I was a teen, my parents gave me 20 bucks a week. And they paid for what my school called an all sports pass. You bought that and got into all home sports game for the whole school year. Plus they obviously paid for my clothes, shoes and food. So really all I bought with my money was some extra makeup I didn't even really need, because my mom bought my makeup, or I bought some cheap jewelry here and there. Snacks at sporting games and not much else was really needed.
@@albertabyers7157 exactly! My brother got to his senior year, I was in 10th grade, she took us school clothes shopping and he decided he wanted all these super expensive clothes and shoes. She told him he better get a job. I was fine with what she got me. Him and I both got part time jobs, I saved my money, he of course bought those expensive shoes and jeans he wanted lol. And now in our 40's, we are the same. I save money and he still spends too much on shoes and clothes 🤣
Hello
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