How to Not Hate Your Husband After Kids
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- Опубліковано 21 сер 2024
- In today’s video, I talk to you about how to not hate your husband after kids! I basically go into how to prevent building resentment towards your spouse when your relationship changes after having a baby. I hope this video can help you in your marriage!
How To Not Hate Your Husband After Kids
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#howtonothateyourhusbandafterkids #motherhood
I was such a bad backseat driver parent for my husband! Leaving the house without the baby is such a great solution to this and it fills my cup so much to be alone, even if it’s running an errand or something - it’s nice to not be needed! Thanks for this video Ashley, it is so nice to hear that I’m not the only one who goes through this stuff!!!
This makes me so happy! I love that you’re able to take care of yourself by leaving the house while giving you husband bonding time with your baby’s 😊
It has been 3 years for me since having premature twin. I now finally make him stay home one day to care the kids while I go to office. A lot of resentment and honestly a lot of divorce discussion. If you husband is not willing to understand your days, you hit the dead end.
Sounds like a terrible life for him.
@@xa1239 Right, terrible life for him and myself. But we stick together. 2 years later, our kids are all healthy and we are happy now. Life is not always peachy or gloomy.
My husband calls me desperately to come back home rushing every single time I have to go to the dentist (1-3hrs). 😂 and then he complains about how stressful work is.. and he cannot handle more than 2 hrs of a toddler lmao. Imagine how I care 24/7 for our toddler while also caring for all the household needs, powering like a soldier since 2 years ago. People do not understand how hard caring for 1 child is.. let alone caring for twins. You have my respect 🫡.
@xa1239 it's only terrible if he isn't taking opportunities to learn to become a better father and husband. Not rising up to handle responsibility only makes people less confident in themselves, not more confident. Assuming his wife gives him a bit of grace to work with, he should be doing just fine.
Not a parent, but partnered and trying! I appreciate that you’re kind to your hubby and also have “warm demands” 👍🏼
I can’t even tell you how much it’s helped me listening to your video all the way to the end. I came here today because I don’t want to hate my husband. I actually love him deeply. But I struggle to show him the respect he needs when I’m angry over the kids. We don’t stop being parents when our kids are adults. Sometimes it’s even harder and more complicated.
I can totally imagine the resentment building when one works out of the home and neither fully understand each other’s day/situation. We currently have a 3 month old and my husband took 6 months leave starting at birth and I just returned to work fulltime (from home). Due to this (relatively uncommon) situation of us both being home all the time and him now doing the majority of childcare, we have a tremendous amount of common understanding. It also automatically solves the problem of mom being the default parent or one of us being more used/better at parenting. P.s love your videos, greetings from a Dutch mom living in Germany
@@joshyhush22 You pay into it while working. It's not free. Your comment is really rude.
Our children are grown now. The youngest is 25. My husband helped to train and discipline the kids when they were young. But the older they became the more hands off he became. He doesn’t even reach out to them unless I ask him. And then I have to remind him. I do feel like the primary parent. Always have. And I receive your advice about not allowing resentment to build up. It’s a every day thing of going to God.❤
The bar for men is so low it is a tavern in Hades.
stop excusing hating your husband
You don't have to hate your husband to make such a statement. (It is also rude and uncalled for, btw.)
Actually, my husband and I agree on that. We joked how I was hearing constantly from people how grateful I should be that he is a engaged parent, while he never ever got told he should be grateful, neither for my parenting nor my financial contributions to the family. Also, the socially accepted lack of parenting by dads in our circles enrages him more than me.
Let me ask you something. Let's say you're just barely starting your PHD degree in becoming a neurosurgeon. So you're sitting down for your first class and your professor looks at you and then turns to the teacher aide and says, "the bar for neurosurgeons is so low it is a tavern for Hades." How do you think that would make you feel? Your professor didn't even give you a chance, it hasn't been very long at all since you started learning how to be a neurosurgeon so why is your professor acting that way?
Now apply this to men. Men don't have surging hormones that give them a maternal instinct. They don't have boobs to breastfeed to instantly calm down the baby. They often don't have experience watching children due to their upbringing. So most men clearly lack the experience, they lack the knowledge, they lack the boobage, and somehow the bar set for them is set at a bachelor degree level? How is that fair or even make sense? Would it be fair for a professor to expect people to magically know how to be a neurosurgeon when they are just barely starting to gain the knowledge and experience of being a neurosurgeon? Wouldn't it be better if the "professor" was patient and kind as her student was learning, day by day, to become a neurosurgeon?
If you want a happy marriage, you've got to have REALISTIC expectations of your spouse. People are more human than you like to think they are. If you want your spouse to learn something, you've got to tell them and then you have to give them time and opportunities to learn. But telling them that your expectations of them are so low is only going to hurt the relationship. Why would anyone give their best effort to someone who will shut them down every time they try?
@@youtubecommentator6023It’s interesting that in your comparison, the professor represents women, and the student represents men. You seem to be implying that it’s women’s job to teach their partners how to be men or parents, even if they become parents at the same time.
Omg I laughed so much when you mentioned the husband asking for help to do something I as a mom do with baby in arms. This is really good advice and it came at the perfect time because I was just arguing with my husband of how hard sleep training is and that he doesn’t know because he isn’t here to help 😅 I do have to say though that as mom of 2 doing some of this things just get harder, I have a 5 month old and a 5 year old. Today my baby had the worst time trying to sleep and we’ve been up some 4:30am and oh I so badly wanted to close my eyes when I finally got him to sleep for more than 10 mins but then my other baby who had been so patient now needed me. Today I just felt defeated and completely drained, so my husband got all my frustration. It’s so bad. Honestly can’t believe how good of timing this video was.
Great video! The firstyear of my sons life was the worst year of my 13 year relationship. I felt like my husband didn't help enough but then whenever he tried I'd be taking over cause he was "doing it wrong". 3 weeks in with number two and I've learned my lesson to let my husband do things his way and not sweat the small stuff.
Really needed to hear every single one of these things today, thank you so much.
My baby just turned 3 months old and it’s been so rough on our relationship. I’m going to start trying to take this advice! Again, thank you.
Your videos are amazing!
I’m so happy to help! I hope you are able to bring more joy into your relationship!
I'm 31 weeks pregnant and this is something that I know I will struggle with. These tips are greatly appreciated! I know it will take a lot of self training to let him do things his own way to bond with the baby and to be patient when he comes home from a full days work.
🧡
Wow its crazy the timing of this video. I've been struggling with this since having my daughter (5 and a half months ago) and it's so nice to see someone else has too. I am such a helicopter mom when people are around her and that includes my partner. He doesn't get that much alone time with her because he works a lot and on night shift and I also exclusively breastfeed. I think he's had an hour tops.I get so resentful towards him for him being able to so freely leave the house and do what he wants when he's not at work. It definitely helps so much when I am able to get out alone, but there's this part of brain that can't shut off while I'm gone that wonders how he's doing with her.
What a great video, such a refreshing mindset and different take to the usual type of motherhood videos that makes you reevaluate and work towards bettering not only yourself but your relationship with your partner. Thank you for the really awesome content it was a pleasure to watch!
The ✨drama✨ in this thumbnail gives me LIFE 🙌😂 (and of course - great video as always ! 🤎)
Hahahah I feel kinda bad, I didn’t even tell josh what I was doing. I just said to sit and read his book 😂
@@AshleyEmbers no no, it’s perfect 😂
This is such a great video. I think we, as women, need to also realize that men just plain and simply don't have beforehand experience of watching kids or babysitting, they don't have boobs, and don't have hormones surging through their bodies that can naturally give them maternal instinct. They DO have to be taught and be allowed opportunities to learn to be a parent. And shaming them or shutting them down everytime they try (even if they make mistakes) isn't helpful. We have to be careful not to start the vicious cycle of building resentment against him for not "being a better father" which will lead him to trying less often, which leads to us building MORE resentment, which leads to him trying even LESS often. I'm sure all of us would struggle if we had a teacher that hovered over us as we did our work, that yelled at us when we made mistakes or didn't understand something, and could feel that the teacher resented us. No one could learn in an environment like that. And it's unfair to expect your husband to be able to.
I adore my husband, but sometimes I feel like we are so disconnected.
We live hours away from family, and I don't trust strangers to watch our son (now 2). My husband suggested I quit work and just be a sahm. I am so grateful that he's given me the chance, though I do still do some work from home.
The disconnect is that he's never in the same room as us. He works and then goes straight to the game room when he comes home and hops on the computer. He even eats dinner in there. Then he goes to bed, texts to see if I'm in the mood (not usually considering I'm normally exhausted), falls asleep, and does the same thing the next day.
I know he works hard to provide. His work ethic is one of the things I respect most about him, but I take care of our son 24/7. The part that bothers me isn't even my lack of "break" so much as how much my husband is missing out on and how much our son is missing out on because they don't spend time together. My son adores him even though he only sees him a few minutes a day.
Everything is on point!
Thank you so much, I really needed to hear it.
Sometimes it’s hard, but in the end putting those words into practice will make our life easier.
Totally! I’m still learning too 😊
WOW!! Great marraige advice and parentiong advice!! God bless your family!! This is awesome info! 🥰
I don't get to talk to my husband much about anything because the little time we are in the same room our baby screams most of the time.
I'm sorry, that's really hard. Our second baby is turning out to be that way too and it's been a real struggle for us. But hang in there! Kids go through phase to phase to phase fast so it won't be like this forever! And if it still is, push your pediatrician for testing or for anything you can do to figure out what's going on.
I said I am not sleeping and I think my blood pressure is getting affected and my husband said yes I know .. and then I expressed I wanted a pet and he interrupted me to make it about him - I got so frustrated that I said wanted to drop it and then he got hurt by it and started berating me the whole entire time while I was getting ready for work.. he never use to do this .. and I really just don't want to be around him .. I am 6 months pregnant and I am just really struggling and need some help but i just get these damn passive aggressive side comments and him not wanting to listen or interrupting me .. and when I say that hes doing those things he denys it . I really resent him and this child for hurting me so much .
I'm pregnant now and this was already so helpful. Sometimes I’m so tired and I instantly resent my boyfriend when I get home and he’s doing nothing but laying down lol but then again you’re right how are people supposed to know we are going through something if we don’t say anything
I had to leave some subreddits because of how many ladies were complaining about their husbands, like constantly. It gets into your head to hear that all the time and I don't think all those men were that bad! Maybe some of them. Had to cut out the baby advice groups cus it was making me resent my husband who did nothing wrong.
I feel the same. So many women hate on their husbands publicly and I don’t get it.
This is such a good idea for a video!! I'm 22 weeks and mentally taking notes! My husband and I have the same dynamic of him loving cooking and taking all the responsibility for dinners and I've felt nervous of what that's going to look like when baby comes along - he won't get much time with the baby if he has to come home from work and cook. Maybe I'll follow your lead and start cooking myself (as I'm writing this I'm thinking noooo I hate cooking!!) but maybe it will be a good mental break from looking after a baby all day! Thanks for the great content and honest advise, you're seriously awesome!!
Thanks I’m not a mom yet but love that you’re speaking on topics that most don’t bring up! 😊
Oh emm geee yes mama. So spot on! Thank you! Also the book is great! I’m listening to the audio for the second time. 😘
My daughter is almost year older than your son, but man you hit every topic on the nail. I would have loved to know all this before! Very informative video and I 100% agree with everything you said. I made many mistakes by taking control and not leaving the house and I wish it would have been different. I kinda feel like I robbed my husband in a way.
Such an important video! My partner and I ran into so many of these issues when they went back to work after the baby leave. We definitely had a time of adjustment and a time of things being not so perfect for a while. Having patience and communicating is so important, especially if you're dealing with any PD. There are many learning curbs in parenthood and the transformation of partners going from just partners to parents together does not happen the moment the baby is born. It's a constant shifting and changing and it can be uncomfortable but things get better and both parents learn to adjust. Thanks for addressing this topic! Related to every point you made
Very well said 😊
Great video! Thanks for making one on this subject. The point about you making dinner instead of your husband after he gets home from work is a really good one! I want to try that out even though I hate cooking haha
Wonderful video! I’m definitely guilty of back seat parenting but in the last few weeks have really focused on stepping back and letting him do things and try it.
Like nap and bed time. He’s been putting our son down more, one thing I do is make sure I’m busy doing something while he’s trying to put our son down for a nap so I’m too busy to step in and help.
I love that 😊
Ok. Now we need the version of both parents working and having to put the baby in the care of others...
This is such a struggle. I related so much to everything! I can never feel confident leaving, bc I've done so for only like 30 mins before and I came home to my partner struggling and eager to pass off the little one. I'd also love to pass off duties to cook bc I'd love the change in roll and bc I selfishly make fewer dishes when I cook, so clean up is way faster haha! I'm going to start being better at encouraging my partner to be more hands on. I've also been keeping a bottle in the fridge (of pumped milk) so that if he panics, he can go to that. Sometimes, a little extra milk cures everything!
U did so well for choosing this topic to talk about u r so smart 💗
I'm 22 weeks pregnant and keep worrying about this. It felt good hearing you talk about it and reading that other mothers go through this too. I will definitely work on myself. Thanks for this video.
I’m so happy I can help! It’s something you have to continuously work at in your marriage
Thanks for sharing your experience with your husband on this topic. Great advice! Communication and mutual respect in a relationship is key ❤️
OMG this is incredibly helpful! I still have 6ish weeks before baby and my situation will be a bit different, but these all apply. I have already found myself doing some of these things... the "fixing" of minor things that don't matter (like how dishes are arranged in the dishwasher) and not understanding the need for help with certain tasks that I've figured out how to do on my own. Thank you for this- I REALLY needed the reminders and tips. I want my bf to be confident with baby and feel like a good father. Not like I'm chastising and correcting him all the time 😅
I'm scared about this, I don't want any strain on my relationship..
What a necessary video!! 😍
Shared with new mums and mums to be in my friends and family circles.
Me and my husband are both stay at home parents. We are about 50/50 on running our buisness at home, i do most of the toddler/child stuff but he does still do about 25% of it and its vice versa on house duties so we are pretty evenly dispersed on duties and i appreciate my husband a ton but we spend TOO MUCH time together , seriously we are together 99% of the time. Its been straining on our relationship since having our son. Im glad im not alone and we arent just doomed. We just are getting under each others skin 🥴
My grandson's name is Rook, too! You are the FIRST mom (that I know) other than my daughter to pick that name for your son! ❤💛💚💙💜
How is it possible to have so much in common with someone from the other side of the world? I feel like we have similar approach to marriage and parenthood. Too bad we can't grab a coffie and just talk about life :D Sending love and appreciation to your work and effot ❤️
At least we have the internet to connect us 😄🧡
Thank you for talking about this ❤️
I'm nowhere close to getting married or even having kids but I loved watching this! Thanks for sharing :)
I struggled so hard not to backseat parent in the beginning, and my husband definitely still has resentment and lost confidence about it. We're working on it, but I will advise against that to anyone I know who asks, now!
He’s not helping me with the baby as much. He’s sleeping downstairs to sleep while I’m up all night with baby. I currently hate my husband. He’s on paternity leave
My son is 2 months old and I needed to hear this because I am guilty of feeling all of it!
🧡🧡🧡
What if your husband has absolutely ZERO interest in the child/ren? And when he actually does interact with them, he is short-tempered, immature, and emotionally abusive. Our kids are older now...preteens and teens...and if anything, he has only gotten worse with them as they have gotten older. I was hoping it would improve, but no.
Rethink your marriage,honestly. If your husband is abusive he will be doing damage to your children in the long term.
My wife literally died the day my daughter was born. My daughter's mom is doing fine.
Ooof
This was fantastic advice and super helpful. Thank you!
These are great reminders! I’m guilty of doing all of these things.😅 As someone who loves being in control, it’s been hard for me to let my husband do things with the baby on his own but even he told me he can’t learn if I don’t let him so I have been trying to!
Love this! Always a great reminder!
thank you sooo much for sharing your experience and advice
I am a new mom and this video gave me soo much peace
great video Ashley! this will be very helpful soon :) our baby will arrive in July
My husband and I are hardcore going through this. It’s so hard
This was so helpful ❤ thank you so much 😭❤️
Quick question: how long is your husband's lunch time?
Since he doesn't get as much time with the kiddos as he likes, would a lunch visit help?
My husband works away from home sometimes for a month at a time. During that time I basically feel like a single parent. When he comes home it is such an adjustment. He wants to make up for the time he has been a way and clearly he is not sure what to do... I have so much anxiety when he is home because I have a hard time trusting his parenting. He seems less patient with our child, like he is trying to speed through it. I am so overwhelmed because I am the default parent and need a break sometimes. But when he takes the baby, I worry that he is going to be careless and I can't even relax while have my "break".
Thank you! Great reminders.
I found this video so helpful!! Thank you so much, going to be a mom soon
This was great advice. Thank you!
This book is also available on audible and I just started listening to it.
Side note, I’m loving the soft curls!
Thank you!
Definitely guilty of all of these things. Also I think it's super important for both parents to have some time together without the baby.
Thank you I needed this. 🙏
Beautiful advise 😊
This is brilliant!!
Great video 👏🏻
💪🏼 practical and relatable
Literally everything you said is 💯 👌
Spot on advice!
Very well said 🙏❤️
God, I love this video, I related to every part.
Dudeeee this is amazing
🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
I wanted to like this video like 10 times 😄
Not fully through the video yet - but I think it would also be helpful to your subscribers to discuss this in a non-gendered, or non-heterosexual way!! I’m sure that non-heterosexual parents can relate also!! 💕
So because she didn't talk about it in a non-heterosexual way, non-heterosexual people can't benefit, learn from, or relate to it? 😅 How does that even make sense?
Does that mean that if I watch a Latino's video about parenting, I can't learn from or relate to because their Latino and I'm white? Like, where do you draw the line on that? I'm sorry but it's kind of a ridiculous comment.
You do know that people can have similar issues and be from different demographic groups right?
@@youtubecommentator6023 hey girl heyyyyyy
great advice !!!!!:)
OMG this film is totally about me 😂
Yeah this is part of why I dont want kids. If KIDS are not the complete FOCUS of EACH partner then they shouldnt have them.
Bravo - legit
Gatekeeping!!
She just literally based this off a dynamic that isn't the majority.
Why would you do that?
Shit data in, shit data out.
Ummmmm… don’t have kids with people who don’t want to have them.
Adjusting the diaper... Guilty... 🙈
❤❤
Or wife/partner/spouse
Yes! I’m just speaking from my experience with my husband 😊
Also do not trust your children’s lives in your partner…. Dads are not as receptive as moms to danger and shit about to happen… don’t let anything happen to your kid then feel that it’s his fault cuz you weren’t watching them.. ALWAYS be there with your kids. Don’t trust the husbands. Sorry but it’s the truth
What??!!! That’s total BS. Yeah know many great dads who would never put their children in danger.
Huh?? If you can’t trust your husband with his own children please don’t be with him.
I wish the advice wasn't focused just on married hetero-cis couples.
It can be hard to give advice on things you do not have experience with. I think the information is useful, even to couples without children!
@@emilyanderson2656 That's not what I'm saying at all. If she just said "partner", "parent", and "they" instead of "husband", "father", and "he", the advice would have been more inclusive.
I was just giving advice based on my situation! I don’t know how relationship dynamics are in non hetero-cis relationships.
@@AshleyEmbers That's why my suggestion is to use inclusive language. You are discussing the dynamic of one stay-at-home parent and one who goes to work. When you are talking about just your situation, you can say "when my husband comes home" but when you address the viewer, you can say "when your partner comes home" because not all viewers who are staying at home with their baby and have a partner who works away from home have a husband necessarily. Your advice is still very useful to all of us, but language that essentially assumes that all couples are married and opposite-sex can feel alienating to the rest of us. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this very well, but I hope you consider using inclusive language in future videos! :)
@@ygmath its very easy for someone to listen to this video and apply it to their specific situation without her needing to change her language. In fact, it would be way easier for someone to take the message and apply it to them personally than for her to change her whole vernacular or vocabulary
Man usually can't do two things at ones, that is why he watching baby, or cooking. Women are different. So do not expect the same from them :)
Studies have found that there are no male v female differences when it comes to multitasking. Proficiency in juggling tasks varies person by person and improves with practice. So if your male partner has a hard time multitasking, he should practice. Just start small and be patient with him! Men deserve the opportunity to grow as engaged fathers.