I think the source of social anxiety is inner shame. You consciously or subconsciously perceive yourself to be a person who is by nature inadequate and/or unworthy of love and acceptance from others because you're "lower" than everyone else and not in their league. This is something you may have developed within yourself or through external influences having internalized over time. Interacting with other people effects the nervous system like you're under attack because you feel as though you are being attacked, even though they may not say anything you feel they're thinking it and are laughing at you or insulting you behind your back. You believe that they instantly don't really like you because they see you for who you think you are and that they're only talking to you because they have to or out of "politeness". If they were to make fun of you or give you a negative comment then your whole world comes crashing down and it only confirms how you felt all along. This exacerbates the inner shame and increases the social anxiety. If its persistent in your life then in your mind it may end up being considered as a verification by other people that the way you perceive yourself is indeed true and real and if you receive any positive comments they are just "trying to make you feel better" and telling you to learn to "accept your inadequate and inferior self for who you are and live with it". So you resign yourself to believing you're a social outcast and expect and desire to be treated as such. This usually leads to varying degrees of depression, possible addiction and/or seclusion from society and in extreme cases to self-harm and suicide or it could lead to antisocial behaviors and hostility by developing an attitude of "you don't like me so I don't like you", which in extreme cases leads to physical abuse and violence. The key is to find the source of the inner shame and remove it from your life.
Excellent comment! I am surprised that it has been overlooked. I think what you are saying probably applies to many of us with Social Anxiety. I know it does to me. The inferiority/shame/ unworthiness/ must be subconscious with me. Consciously and intellectually I know I am not inferior to other people. I suffered sexual abuse, emotional abuse and bullying as a child, which is the cause of these feelings I have about myself, subconsciously . Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I appreciate it very much. May I ask: do you suffer from Social Anxiety yourself? You are very knowledgeable.
You are right, it has to do with shame and cognitive distorted beliefs, also the consistency with being nice, people need to develop self-respect, self-efficacy, learn to deal with difficult people, recognize their distorted beliefs, and gradually expose to specific social phobias until desensitized, some people work backwards, so they instead get into martial arts, start doing strength exercises...they change their physiology in order to affect their perception of themselves and the world
billywhitewolf wow I feel like you just wrote my life story. Powerful, I’m going to try and find the source of my shame, hopefully that will help. Thank you
This comment means so much to me. You just explained how I felt with words I couldn’t find. Wow. I have a lot to think about. I’m going to start going to therapy and bring this up and see if we can get to the root of it
Yeah, I've noticed that I'm almost a different person depending who I'm hanging with, I can become an extrovert around a certain close friend, or even mirror the person Im talking to. But then when I go to a room full of strangers I have to interact with, I'm usually the guy who doesn't talk and gets uncomfortable and shy. I can easily have 1 on 1 private conversations, but if the whole group talks to me, sometimes I feel its too much to handle. It's really weird and limiting, and it's something I want to and will have to overcome. I want to be the kind of person that can make friends everywhere he goes, and make everyone around me feel good and comfortable.
im scared to get burts of confidence because very soon im about to be in danger when reality hits and my brain just gone hit like a train and it all goes away
+Rice And Raw Most likely, because the first attack happened while I was at the mall, and the second while I was at work just a few days after the first attack, which made my brain think there's danger if I leave my house, I only wish I didn't let it get too me while I was at work who knows maybe if I didn't my brain wouldn't had put fears into me.
I'm sorry to hear this :( maybe it would be good to ask a close friend or supportive family member to go out with you into public places and work together to have a good and relaxing experience. Maybe enough of these experiences will remind you that it is completely safe and good to get out of the house and be around people. It would also be very helpful to seek out a therapist or life coach to discuss these incidences and work on how to reprogram your mind to work in your favor
+noway noway I'm sorry to hear that, I was never shy around people or even a large crowd of people till my first attack over 2 months ago it sucks, what symptoms do you have? and I hope you have a way to get better, and remember you're not alone.
I have severe social anxiety (just got diagnosed 2 days ago) but I try and hide it all the time. It's sooooo exhausting. People don't understand. I feel fine around people I know really well but near anyone I don't know very well it's very stressful. I'm conscious of everything I say and do and don't want people to have an impression of me that isn't true. Thanks so much for talking about this, I was really feeling alone this week. I HATE to talk about it with anyone because nobody understands!
I feel like my shyness is ruining my life. today I made an absolute fool out of myself in class, all bc I had to say something in front of everyone and I couldn't. Nothing would come out & my teacher made it worse and kept asking me why it was so hard for me to say something, that even a 7 year old could do it, etc. my classmates defended me and explained to her that some people are shy and don't like to talk out loud etc. it felt nice that they understood but I still feel like an idiot.
mel >>>>> That teacher should be dealt with!! Doesn't she know every student is different, that makes me soooo angry.....its people like her that make this world suck!!! I'm glad that others spoke up for you......now thats a nice thing to do!! Just remember shes just a bitch.....its not you.....there are lots who don't like speaking up around alot of people. I have anxiety really bad too.......some days its not so bad, others terrible. I wish there was a place for us to go, where we could meet each other......that would be good. Give us something to do, like color, stuff envelopes....... something.....I dont know. Anyways have a good day, peace!!
I hate it when my classmates make a big deal when I finally have the confidence say something. It makes my social anxiety and depression so much worse. I also hate it when people say that I'm "just shy" in the register. They'll never understand that it's so much more than just being shy.
Same here. Whenever i have to speak, even just a couple of words my whole class will make a huge thing out of it which makes me feel more akward and anxious :/
I feel the same way! Sometimes when I get up the guts to say something and get interrupted, I actually end up feeling shame about even trying to speak... and then that puts me off speaking for the rest of the conversation. It's tough but I get a little bit better every year. I used to be so socially anxious I couldn't even order at restaurants.
I was able to shift my social anxiety into other problems. I used to be afraid to speak to a gas station attendant, to anyone, to bad people, nice people, didn't matter how I judged the person, if they were a human being I was afraid. For years I flittered between living as a hermit and striving to maintain a social life with people I believed were "cool." A lot of these experiences involved heavy drinking and later, heavy drug use. Through the gauntlet of college experiences I went through, I developed an alter ego that is fluid and shifts depending on who I am with. I am well liked by everyone but loved by few. I dont party like I used to but I realized that I will still jump into my social personality as soon as I can. But at work I never feel comfortable being this fake person, because he is loud, boisterous, not professional. My true side, my uncultivated social side of my life, comes out in the workplace because I never know how I should act socially. By the end of the work day, in an intense corporate office, I feel completely drained. Worst of all, I know all of my coworkers think I am a boring person who is hard to get to know. The dichotomy between what people at work think about me vs what my friends think about me; the kicker being that nearly no one knows the true, weird me.
Wow. Thank you for sharing this. I can really relate and I've never been able to express it quite as succinctly as this. I see you wrote this 2 years ago - did it ever get better for you?
I go through a lot of that as well. I hate hurting people's feelings, so I often just bend around their needs to avoid the conflict. It's good and bad like you said lol. Good for them, bad for us. We don't have to turn into dicks, but standing up for yourself a few times can really get the ball rolling in how you deal with people. Take a martial art maybe? Not that you have to kick people in the face to solve this issue lol, but just knowing you could handle yourself physically can do wonders for your mental game ;)
i agree. i also hate hurting people s feelings too. i call myself a realist. i look at the world honest but we humans don t like the truth about our reality to much lol. i wish we humans was smarter. man that would be wonderful.
"Expose yourself to your deepest fear, after that fear has no power and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free" :) And by saying this I don't mean "expose yourself to people" because the truth is you are not afraid of people! So by exposing yourself to the deepest fears I mean accepting that people can not like what you say, and that it is possible that you will waste their time by saying what you want to say (or at least they will feel this way), that you will make them incomfortable sometimes and that they will make you unfomfortable too. Accept it. Accept the fact that sometimes you say silly things, things that are not funny, not perfect. Because it doesn't matter. People and situations are powerless without your reaction. And don't try to name things as "good" and "bad". It's just a perspective based on people's experience, personality, history etc. Life just is :) Neighter good nor bad, your words are actually neigther funny nor boring :D that's why do what you feel like doing, say things you want to say and don't mind what happens :) Because as Jiddu Krishnamurti said "Do you know what my secret is? I don't mind what happens" :)
Certain cultures value the loudest and most brazen but as they say " empty vessels make the most noise" . Shyer people get overlooked but are generally where you find the wisest, most understanding and emotionally intelligent people. You can get by and learn to fake a certain level of confidence and even feel real confidence about your beliefs and your innermost self but there's no need to really change who you are or emulate others. Let the dicks be rude and if they cut you off it's their loss.
Good video. Sasha you don't have to change who you are and everyone doesn't have to like you and you don't have to like them. I've realized in life if you have 2 or 3 special people in your whole life like your parents, family, close friend, that is enough to sustain you forever. If you love yourself that is all that matters in this world and the older you get into your 30s and 40s you'll start to know that these people don't matter or what they say. Most of them you'll never see again once you or they leave. There are a lot of selfish people out there but even the ones who seem confident have their own insecurities. You are more of the intellectual introspected, and thinking kind of person. I use to dwell about my social anxiety too, hold grunges at those extroverts, and be pissed off at the world that I didn't have a lot of friends and acceptance. But when I hit the age of 40 I was able to let all that go and be happy with myself. I work for myself with online sales and marketing and I can go days without working with anyone in person and it makes me happy as hell. I would rather live under a bridge than deal with the office gossip and socialization I use to have to deal with. I'm not saying you are as a bad as me but if everyday you come home unhappy with the people you have to work with than you need to find another job where you are in charge and not have to deal with the crap and you can make more money doing it. You have the intelligence and desire I think to do this. Again don't change who you are and the sooner you know that you are enough to be and have everything you deserve in life nothing can stop you. There is nothing that needs to be "fixed". I now enjoy who I am being esoteric, acentric, and slothenly awkward and people now pick up the aura from me that I respect them but I don't give a F if they don't respect me and they like me for it I think.
Go ahead and assert yourself. People aren't used to it yet and may get offended, but they will develop a respect for you over time if you keep at it. And assert yourself with a smile. Train yourself every day. Convince yourself every day that you're worth it. *It's not about perfection, it's about process*
thank you.. this comment was simple, yet EXACTLY what i need to hear and tell myself daily. I've also found it important to take my time when I have the floor; I dont need to rush through what ii have to say as quickly as I can, I'm allowed to take time to breath! haha.
Nice! And yes, stay at your own pace and energy level rather than adopting that of others'. Go slow. And each morning: _today, no fucks shall be given_ :)
Thanks for this video, Sasha! My personality relates a lot to this, too. UA-cam has certainly helped a lot since I'm always talking about things I like. This has been key for me. If there is a subject that is not of interest for me, people would not even recognize me LOL! I don't know if that is like that for you but I definitely find my confidence when I am passionate about what I'm talking about.
Yes, most people must be able to relate to feeling empowered when the subject is of interest, and miserable when not. Asking others questions definitely helps conversation flow easier when feeling shy, or else avoiding putting yourself in situations where you lack common ground. Sasha, how others prefer to relate (eg. the tipsy person / to males / females / confrontational or otherwise) is about where they're at, and not actually a reflection of you. Also, social anxiety will highly likely stem from upbringing in general, rather than one incident. A person with a strong self-esteem wouldn't be knocked by an isolated incident in the same way. Social confidence does grow with time though, and finding more activities you love can help it to grow more so, plus ensuring you have slept enough and ensuring you have enough sugar in your blood, of course. Low B12 can also cause anxiety. Since the blood test is inaccurate, a urinary MMA test (can buy on-line) may be useful. Hope this helps!
You sound like an empath and like a highly sensitive person just like me. You should look into that! I'm exactly that way too and I'm reading some books that are really helping me.
Yes, I am an empath too and it is because being emotionally abused by narcissistic father in my childhood. I discovered this recently after suffering relationships with narcissistic men. If you suffered from emotional abuse please check out channels on UA-cam like "Thrive After Abuse" "Melanie Tonia" etc 💖💖💖
+applepie that sounds like my exact situation - I am an extremely sensitive person and I know it's because my dad is always has made me such a nervous anxious person due to his awful behaviour my whole life 😳
Isabella The Bananarina I am sorry dear. Please learn about Cluster B personality disorders and educate yourself about emotional abuse and check out videos and articles on the internet to heal from it. I am watching videos on youtube from channels like "Thrive After Abuse" "Melanie Tonia" etc they are very helpful.
You're literally describing the same personal battle I've been having with myself recently and I understand 100% how you feel. It's like I'd rather put other people on a pedestal and tip toe round them in an attempt to spare their feelings and in turn, totally disregard my own like they dont matter. I've been playing past experiences over and over in my head where someone in the past has treated me like shit and I've allowed them to, but I imagine myself reacting and saying the things I wish I'd said and this is only making me angrier and more resentful. I think noticing these traits in yourself and wanting to change is definitely a first step. I've started writing a few notes down on a piece of paper reminding myself that I am no less important than the people around me and that I deserve respect just like everyone else, and I read them on the train in the morning on my way to work to try and get into this mindset. I only started doing it yesterday so I don't know if it is/will make a difference or not but if I stumble upon any other ideas that work for me I'll be happy to share them with you. Id also appreciate some advice too as I'm becoming such a coward when it comes to confrontation but deep down I know it's making me unhappy. But yeah, I totally feel you. You're not alone! Take care! x
I feel like Im looking in the mirror..and the same story. I feel like it makes you withdraw more when you've been shut down and made to feel like you dont have a voice and matter. I still try to reach out..get cut off..then ignored. Your not alone. Much love!
It's about creating 'Triggers'... It's about being self aware & realising at the time when you are performing a habit that you want to change. That's the first step! I used to be JUST like this when I was younger, it was crippling social anxiety & I wouldn't go out at all & school was horrendous for me! It has taken time, a LONG time to improve. I became more confident in myself & what I have to say & realising that what I have to say matters just as much as the next person. I found that my biggest issue was dealing with my family (where the social anxiety grew from!) Finding the 'Route Cause' & really look at it in depth !! UA-cam is like a Diary... It's totally up to you what you want to say & post. Viewers are just spectators of your life. I love watching you share your life with us! 👍💐
This is the first video I watched from you and I feel I can relate with a lot of the things you said. I have social anxiety and a lot of it came from my cousins making fun of me in my teenage years just because I was the quiet one. Everything you said in the video are things I ask to my self everyday. Thanks for making this video. Is very helpful to know I'm not alone like I sometimes feel, there are others going through the same thing as me.
Everything you said resounded with me so much. When I'm with people I'll do everything I can to avoid the mere possibility of rubbing someone the wrong way. For me this results in keeping most of my thoughts to myself and not making connections with anyone, and consequently feeling that I have no personality. I'm slowly starting to voice more of my opinions and be more confident that the people who matter will still accept me. I don't want to be the quiet, agreeable but forgettable girl anymore. If strangers think I'm rude for standing up for myself, so be it (although it still pains me inside).
I feel the exact same way. As many times as I try to tell myself not to care about what others are thinking of me, my insecurities always manage to somehow creep in the back of my mind and make me feel uncomfortable. I have been trying to work past it and let it go...which is always easier said than done, but seeing that I'm not alone in that is pretty comforting and motivating. Good luck!
Dearest R&R - You are my most favorite You Tuber! LIke many others, I am a person who needs lots of alone time. But I think the key to speaking your mind and having others actually listen to you without steamrolling over you is that you have to feel that confidence within yourself. If you feel it inside, then it will manifest and others will feel it as well. Once you have that inner confidence, others will stop and listen to what you have to say. Also, I remember my husband talking about meetings, and how people always stopped and listened to what his boss had to say, because his boss spoke very rarely, so when he spoke, others knew it was important and would pay attention.
Sasha, you are so freaking beautiful girl, I just want to give you a big bear hug! I so resonate with what you're saying, and I think a lot of it comes with being highly empathetic. It's far more challenging to be super assertive when you're so sensitive to others feelings. The situational confidence puzzles me as well. Thank you so much for sharing, you're right - it is so comforting to know we're not alone ♥
I completely understand what you are going through-I too have been battling with social anxiety my whole life..Iam a very shy and quiet person and like you I want everyone to get alone with me and not think negative..It's so difficult for me to start a conversation with someone and continue it without me acting awkward or overthinking on what to say next..their has been times were I start off a topic and it's going good but then I come to realize or start thinking what I started and during the middle of the conversation with the person I begin to start giving short answers to avoid saying anything further that would sound weird.. It's a constant daily struggle with my thoughts, socialness and what others think of me-sometimes its so much overthinking it gets me exhausted -I feel like I have gotten a bit better with time but I feel this anxiety will never completely leave.theirs other things you mentioned that I even got watery eyes knowing that i ain't alone thank you for this video
I feel unheard a lot of times too when I'm speaking sometimes .When in crowds , I literally start off speaking at an audible level and then almost end in a whisper when I feel like the person I'm sparking to starts scrutinizing what I'm saying . It's super annoying and embarrassing . But it's ok . We can not be perfect in every aspect of our selves. I pick my battles at this point in my life. We are all a work in progress. Good for you for recognizing something you want to change .
I totally understand the "making room for other personalities" comment. People often talk over me and I let them have their say, but they seem to have no interest in my thoughts or opinions. It's made it really difficult to meet new people or network for my job. I really need to work on this, but I find it so difficult! You're definitely not alone.
I definitely can relate!! I feel quite confident about myself as an individual, but I totally let other people take control of situations and I also feel like what I have to say might just waste people's time, which is why it took me so long to start a UA-cam channel. I find that the more I push myself out of my comfort zone and into different social situations, the easier it gets
Sasha, oh my god I just want to give you a big hug. I can relate SO MUCH to this. It's insane. I don't understand the negative connotation of seeing a therapist. I do. And honestly it has helped me (and continues to help me) so much. I am now so much better at standing my ground and standing up for myself. One thing that has helped me is surrounding myself with wonderful, positive friends who are more confrontational than me. Watching them react to situations and comparing my normal reaction (to let the other person get away with XYZ...) and how my friends deal with it (by being more confrontational...in a positive way, usually)...and then mimicking that behavior...with encouragement from them... For me it's not about changing big things but proving myself I can say what I need to, do what I need to, a little at a time.
I can totally relate! I shared a video about my anxiety a few months ago. I really want to do an update. You're totally not alone & I know there's nothing you can do about & that's ok. I'm the same, with family, I'm totally myself, but strangers, I'm totally quiet & pull back. Unfortunately my anxiety has gotten so bad, I now take medication. I'm working on controlling it in other ways so I can get off the meds. But you're not alone! Much love! 💜
First off, I would've never guessed you felt this way. You are SO confident in your videos:) Truly inspiring. Thank you for sharing this. I'm the same exact way. Around my close friends and family I won't stop talking haha but then around new people or even friends (not quite as close) it is soooo hard for me to know how/when to interject into the conversation so I just don't. YES! (I totally let other people take the floor literally all the time) I'm always the one just listening to other people's stories but not sharing my own. Then I start to get anxiety that people are wondering WHY I'm not talking, it's a losing battle. and YES! I also make videos, edit them and then think they're not worth it so I never post. You're definitely not alone.
I also struggle with social anxiety and I'm not surprised by the way people treat me because I know I project my beliefs into people's heads to proof what I believe is right. They treat me like I treat myself, also unconsciously but not so unconsciously anymore because I observe my thoughts (what the inner critic says etc.). The outside, how other people treat us, is our mirror of our inner belief system. Social anxiety is a protective mechanism to protect us from further hurt. We need to protect us as long as these wounds are not healed (understanding/empathy/to forgive ourselves for judging our weak feelings, for not speaking up for us etc. is needed) and as long as we don't protect ourselves (speak up for us and lay boundaries) and that way allow that people can treat us badly.
Oh my god. I am tearing up. Sasha I am sooo thankful and relieved that you shared this. To know that someone I look up to goes through self esteem and social anxiety like me. My biggest issue is standing up for myself and being more assertive!!! Like you, every time someone does me wrong, I try to talk it out with them, but I am so afraid of confrontation that I get so uncomfortable and almost teary and I always do that "oh i am sorry, you win here is a trophy let us not talk about this anymore" every time and i ALWAYS feel so terrible afterwards and angry with myself like "why didn't i say that and just get my point across?! if only i had seen that coming!" then they just steam roll me and the conversation gets so one sided and it is as if their emotions matter more when my emotions matter just as much. I see that we are such sweet souls, the types that will sacrifice ourselves for harmony. But I am learning that it is a big issue within ourselves. I learned from my psychology class that such behavior is literally unhealthy. The more assertive someone is with their wants and needs and emotions, basically the more grounded and confident they are in saying "I am___, and this is what I believe in" the least likely they were to suffer from illnesses, unlike our personality types that are so malleable and soft (the most likely to suffer from illness). I can see why because at the end of the day, we feel the most terrible and it is almost as if we are not "here" we are not grounded. Almost as if we try our very best to accommodate others that we start to fade away. I think at times we need to love ourselves a bit more. I need to love myself more enough to stand up for myself and say "hey! that is not okay, you cannot do this to me! i matter. i believe in myself and if you don't roll with it then you can roll on the road". That is something I definitely must work on: to assert myself but in a manner that is controlled, grounded, and rational. I notice I am my least assertive when I get stuck in my head and feel so serious (at my work). Siigghh anyone else besides me and Sasha, let us all care a little less about others, (just a tiny bit), let us laugh more and forget the past because everything is momentary, life is all fun!! Whenever I think like that, I find that it makes me a bit more assertive. I guess because it puts me in a great mood and so i am just more confident.
You articulated this so well! I am right there with you. It's a good trait to have to be sensitive to others, but when they are not sensitive to you, that's when you should give yourself permission to put your voice out there. The first things I noticed myself saying that bothered me was saying 'that's okay' to people when it really wasn't okay. Now I'm realizing that hurts me more than it will hurt anyone if I tell them no, or if I don't say what I really want to say. Make sense? Embrace your feelings! Take little steps to overcome this!
I totally know where you are coming from :) Mental health is super important so talking to someone is never a bad thing. As for saying "sorry" when someone else is at fault, I wouldn't see that as not standing up for yourself, however, I'm Canadian and that word just comes out of our mouth without thought :P Stay strong and try to look for the positives in all things, that's how I keep my anxiety at bay ❤️
I didn't feel like I had social anxiety till now, but the points you are making says a lot, it can happen in a lot of ways when you surround yourself with so many personalities you just want to stay in your room the rest of the week. I feel the same about being judged by the way you are, it makes you feel like an outsider to the rest of the people. and you are constantly putting yourself down for something you did wrong. If I could I would sit in my room constantly, I used to be a very outgoing person till the last 2 years. I go out but i try and make excuses if i can do so. surround yourself with positivity
Oh girl...you definitely aren't alone! It'll get better the more you practice. Baby steps...start with smaller goals like going up to someone you don't know at the grocery store and start a conversation about blueberries. The more you do random conversations where you challange yourself you will start to build confidence. The worst part about being anxious is having something so wonderful that I want to say and can execute perfectly in my head but even I open my mouth to say it I clam up and it lacks passion and emotion... As far as even someone says something shitty to you, especially in front of others I've learned the best thing you can do is politely ask them to repeat themselves as if you didn't hear them right the first time. You'll find most times they'll back peddle because they didn't think their tone or words through the first time they'll edit themselves. If they interrupt you, while they are taking say politely "oh, ok, go ahead" and smile...they'll usually apologize. Some people honestly don't check their tone or think about what they are saying before they say it...it's like they have the opposite problem than of us who have anxiety and think everything through.
Wow, I know how it feels to be feeling, what u felt. Mine happened when I was a child, during my mother was getting abused by my father, I never stood up for her years after years. I am still, but now I am a father, just glad it is not inherited. Lol, but we are human, no one is perfect , I have S. A. D. It is hard day by days, but my son becomes my strength, just Knowing he is not, makes me happy. U are truly beautiful and to everyone who has it and doing this... Thank u... May God bless u muah
Ive had an issue with standing up for myself for a long time. It stemmed from past experiences with family relationships/ trauma, experiences with peers at school which neg impacted my self esteem. I was highly emotional and as I got into my late 20s I started to learn about a reactive nervous system, fight or flight, triggered by stress or any situation that reflected the experiences from my past .. so I would always either be super defensive and angry or stay shut and let ppl walk all over me. My sense of worth was something I had to nurture and learning to be present the moment these situations occur. Either I stand up for myself, or I let shit slide and not take it personally. It took me a long time to learn how to differentiate the need for one or the other. I went through a period looking for an argument with anyone I felt disrespected me, to being more relaxed when there's really no need to defend myself. Eckhart Tolle calls it the pain-body, a summation of all past experiences internalized literally become part of you, your cells, the mind which remembers, recalls ect. Running, stretching ,yoga, meditation, has all helped. Changing my diet helped, which I believe helped me build my self esteem, seeing the results I'm getting with consistency. I also write down how I feel and analyze it, because I can see how the mind is working, because it tends to make me project the wounded child, which was the identity I created for myself for yrs, but that is not who I really am. That ego identity is just a collection of past experiences ... sorry if this makes NO sense lol ... it took me 7 yrs of reading about the ego, mindfulness, and how the mind/ brain works to understand why I had such a reactive nervous system. Dont be so hard on yourself when these situations occur, but be aware and speak up, and then move on. Practice practice practice. Besides ppl are not as fragile as you believe ... stand up for yourself when it calls for it. :)
I know exactly how you feel. I'm trying to recover from a lot of anxieties in my life. There's a few things I just want to mention to you. Firstly, you said that you don't want to hurt anyone, but the thing is you're hurting yourself. So this being afraid to not hurt anyone, is hurting someone - you. Secondly, the way I'm trying to recover from this, and I find it's helping, is remembering that this life isn't permanent. Everything is only temporary. This works well in two ways because if something happens where you upset someone or someone upsets you, you can just remember that this is only temporary. The other way it works is it reminds you that you're only going to live as this person once, so this is the only chance you're going to be able to speak your mind and stand up for yourself. If you can't be you in this life you won't ever get the chance to be again. You won't get another chance at being you.
You're definitely not alone. Thank you for sharing and being honest. They say social anxiety comes from being hurt in the past, so we attribute social interactions with pain. Physical and emotional pain are in the same part of the brain. So we avoid social situations because our brains prepare us to get hurt.
I feel you hun. Having social anxiety is the worst. I think mine stems from my personality, I'm extremely introverted and have always been that way, thus leading to depression at an early age. I thrived off of someone who, like my cousin who was outgoing and bubbly and made me feel cared about. I think UA-cam videos have helped in a way to talk, but being around people and conversations can be a nightmare, especially if it's something I disagree with. I'm sorry I have no real words of wisdom but just know that you aren't alone. :/
Aw sweetie I had no idea. You are awesome and so brave sharing this with is all. Well done! You are such a kind and caring person, so strong too. EVERYTHING you say is important, you are helping SO MANY people all around the world, me included! You are sweet and kind and never ever doubt this. We love you girl. Sharing your stories with all of us is amazing and you are truly helping people change their lives for the better. Xxx
You are truly amazing and I wouldn't expect you to have any of these problems. You need to just put yourself out there and not care about what others think of you. That is only going to hinder your personality and make you feel like you have a filter over yourself when talking to people. Instead just simply be yourself. Once you feel good on the inside the outside just falls into place. I hope this helps stay strong. Love you
It is terrifying how much of myself I see in you. Everything you said is exactly how I feel. Like I can feel all the emotions your going through while talking. Your such a lovely soul. You smile when your hurting. Toxic People unfortunately seem to target weak people in life. Social anxiety keeps you weak but only in your head. Like sometimes I wish the person I am when I'm alone and when I'm people I'm comfortable with could be there all the time. I truly love that person.
I totally know how you feel with social anxiety. I actually walked out of a dinner party once (and it was a small one - just my parents and I with four of their friends) because I was getting so anxious about this one guy there who was really attacking me about my choice to be vegan. He was just calling me stupid and saying that what I'm doing isn't right or normal. It was so stressful and gave me so much anxiety that I literally just got up to go to the bathroom and then snuck out of the house. My parents got so mad at me for this, but I still feel like it was the best choice for me. It's a tough situation, social anxiety. I totally have confidence too (like you said you do) and a lot of the time I can deal with stuff like that. I'm not sure how to help you, but I hope you know there are a lot of people out there with the same problem :)
I listen to audiobooks on subjects I need help with in my life, you can listen to them over and over and try to recondition your brain! Gabrielle Bernstein has good topics like this on her youtube channel and makes good recommendations. Hyponosis works on reframing memories so that they don't have the same influence on your current behaviours. Theres definitely a few things out there than can help release old beliefs and to instil a sense of self worth in a social context. It's something that I have had to work on too being an introvert and having a background of social anxiety. All the best Sasha, I always love watching your videos!
I've been the same way as you for a long time where I've been confident and happy with myself but could never express that in social situagions,one thing I had found comforting that a friend told me is that it's okay not to have anything to say, that introverts usually don't speak unless they feel the need to and not just rambling nonsense and that's okay. I was too busy judging myself and thinking of what I should say all the time otherwise ill seem awkward and/or shy and I would get so lost in my head that I wasn't engaged in the conversations at all. I've come a long way, just remember that nobody has anything figured out and we're here to just have fun
Thanks for making this brave video. It sounds like you are by nature a gentle, considerate, nonviolent person. Those are wonderful traits to have!! But, remember that not everyone has the same gifts in the same degrees. You wouldn't, for example, but into a conversation and ignore the quieter people, but the super-extroverted, loud-talker doesn't even comprehend that when he's doing it. He's simply following his natural tendency to seek out and latch onto whatever stream of conversation seems the most energetic at the moment. There's no reason you have to feel bad yourself because you possess the more receptive, empathetic gifts! You have a quiet, powerful strength and a beautiful spirit. The challenge for all of us is navigating in a world with so many different personalities, using our strengths effectively.
I totally get it, Sasha. I am definitely confident in certain situations and very timid in others. But the truth really is that it is all about your attitude and how you perceive a situation.. what story you conjure up in your mind and what power you give it. Start with creating lightness around the situation. Remember: nothing is a big deal! Practice detaching yourself from your raw emotion. If someone cuts you off, that's okay. It doesn't have to turn into a game of who has the last word or who is the stronger, more confident person. You can let them cut you off and say their piece, and then calmly respond without being passive aggressive either. Something along the lines of, "Okay, so you're saying... What do you think about this point of view..." I hope that helps :) ... detach, detach, detach... and always create lightness!
You are a sweetheart. The truth is, people will misunderstand you and we misunderstand each other all the time but that's okay. As long as you know and are confident in your worth, it will show and shine to the people that matter most. Don't waste you're precious energy on proving to people and strangers who you are if they are abstinent from understanding you anyway. You are worthy, no matter what they think.
Hi! I'm in the same boat as your right now. I actually just made my first video about my social anxiety to hopefully help myself as well. Unfortunately my anxiety involves my head shaking every time even make eye contact with me. It's ruining my work life and my well being unfortunately. It was nice to hear that you are going through the same thing as me. I'm here to support you! I know how hard it is.
You are certainly not alone here Sasha, I relate a lot! Thinking of the right words in the moment can be SO hard and I too can become overly emotional when talking to people about little things that shouldn't be a big deal. I appreciate you bringing this up, it's a tricky thing and I don't totally understand the why either.
I get that too, people trying to talk over me. I say to them "hang on I haven't finished" and I continue talking, my point is valid. They usually apologise. If they don't I would listen to a bit more of the conversation then just walk off as my time is important and if they don't respect that then they are not worth wasting time on. You are also sensitive and seem like an empath so things will affect you more harshly than others..I am the same. EFT Tapping is really good to help with this. I do EFT and it helps heaps. Sometimes it is best to just avoid people until you feel stronger. The girl that pushed you...the same thing happened to me...she ended up punching me in the face. Not fun! I stand my ground now and haven't had anyone try to hit me..thankGod! I think by voicing it you are on the right track. Your point is valid:-)
I can relate to you sooo much I want to hug you. I've always had really bad social anxiety and it's the worst. I'm the same way in that I am confident in who I am, but I HATE the idea of people getting the wrong impression of me. I'm struggling with it right now in a new job. but know that you are NOT wasting people's time talking, your opinions are just as valid as everyone else's. I know how hard it is though. :( also, screw people who interrupt and talk over us. that's a negative reflection of them, not us.
also do you know what personality type you are? I'm INFJ and reading about it has really given me a sense of peace about myself even though it's only 1% of the population..
Overthinking > lack of concentration > Self consciousness > Negativity > Repeat = Social Anxiety. Now social anxiety has been a massive wall in my life and to be honest you have to to really work at it to overcome it I mean I used to want everyone to like me and that didn't work so I took this from another corner and thought if you like me then great and if you don't well nothing happens I really couldn't give a damn but it took me a long time to think this way and I had to work at it. Having negative thoughts and always thinking of the worst thing that can happen only feeds the anxiety and if there were no negative thoughts and only positive then there would be no anxiety. Hope this helps I mean it might not help you but just a few ideas that has given me a foot outside the door to help me on a daily basis and great video by the way keep going and don't give up on life :-)
Boo, you're on the right track. It's merrily a matter of strengthening that backbone and putting those changes you want to see in yourself into practice. Your voice will shake the first few attempts, but it gets easier; and you get stronger. One thing that helped me was to look myself in the mirror and say, "I do NOT put up with shit from other people." Say it over and over. You're a dope-ass human being, Sasha. Sending punk-rock-hippie vibes all the way from Arizona. PEACE.
Thank you for this video!! I'm the peacemaker. I hate conflict. Sometimes I feel upset with myself because I sacrifice me to keep the peace. It's not bad it's my personality. Being a nice person & considerate is not a bad thing. Finding that middle ground is tough. I have been working hard at stopping the "I'm sorry" to "excuse me". You are amazing!! ❤️❤️
i can relate. sometimes i think my personality doesn't translate, when in actuality it does. it's just that people i interact with aren't always giving me the feedback/reciprocation -- and that's how it's always going to be! so might as well learn to get comfortable with showing my personality..
Sasha!!! I just wanted to start off by saying you are amazing and I can totally relate. Both my boyfriend and I have social anxiety. What really helped me is trying to decipher between my own definition of what happiness, success, (or how I should act around other people) means to me and trying not to change who I am or what I want based on external influence that I just don't relate to. This can be really hard and takes a lot of soul searching but is well worth the journey. I also relate a lot to what you said about having a hard time standing up to people who are just plain rude. I have learned to pick my battles with that one. Most of the time I don't even bother to be honest. I've found that most people either are totally oblivious to what they are doing and how it could affect someone else or they really just don't care and it's not my job to teach them kindness and manners. It would probably fall on deaf ears anyway. Another thing that has helped me is having friends or a community that I can relate to. I have a small group of people who are like me and we have the best time talking about how awkward everything can be and how hilarious that awkwardness is. It is a great feeling when you can turn to someone and say "well that was awkward....." and they just get it. The Myer brings test helped a lot. (I am an Infp and the infp page on facebook is hilarious! ) and reading "the highly sensitive person" book also helped a lot. Social anxiety is real and can be incredibly debilitating but there is an incredible amount of good in it too
Sasha, I love you. I completely 100% understand the weird girl dynamic (I'm nervous whenever I meet someone, especially if they're a girl, because I'm so worried about what they'll think of me). I've experienced girls treating me oddly tons of times, and my mom used to tell me it was just out of jealousy. Maybe that's true in some cases, maybe not. I've tried to stick up for myself, and did recently to an ex-roommate and ex-friend, whose friend was really rude to me while she was visiting...I think all the pent-up annoyance that I had suppressed out of wanting my ex-roommate to like me came out at once and I ended up screaming at both of them in the middle of the night and threatening to call the cops...it was bad. Not to mention I ended friendships with my friends from freshman year in college in the middle of my junior year, because I finally told them how I felt about the way they were treating me and they didn't really try to change. I was questioning a lot whether I was making a mistake in taking them out of my life and it was so hard to confront them, but I think I'm better off for it... I don't think I have a complete answer for social anxiety, unfortunately. One thing that I know has helped with my confidence is teaching dance classes. Being in a leadership position has shown me that I have a confident side of my personality and am able to play that role when I need to (I used to be terrified to dance in front of others so the fact that I've taught it now for over a year is amazing to me), although I'm definitely still an introvert at heart. And practicing confronting people in a rational way has been useful too. I'd say practice with people closest to you first, like Joe and your family so that when you do, you're able to stay calm and in control. One thing that helps too is keeping people in my life whom I really strongly respect, and trying to avoid lots of contact with those I don't. I'm so glad you made this and proud that you were strong enough to put it online. I've never left a comment on any of your videos before, but I've seen all of them and I feel like I know you to a degree by now. You are someone I look up to, as a fit and healthy vegan working a corporate job, you're exactly what I'm hoping I can be after I finish grad school. Keep doing what you're doing. You're lovely.
I feel like shit and can't sleep because I keep replaying an uncomfortable conversation at work in my head! You've described how I feel on so many different levels.
Hi Sasha. I’m so much like you that I don’t usually comment on videos because that’s putting myself out there too much - but I feel compelled to comment today. I’m quite a bit older than you and a professional, vegan woman so I feel quite connected with who you are. I’ve been watching you from the start because I find you deeply intelligent and empathetic with one of the most articulate vegan messages on UA-cam. It’s not easy being like us but I can say it gets a bit easier as you get older. Although it’s tempting to classify social anxiety as a good or bad trait, it’s neither because it’s just part of who we are (not the anxiety but the introversion that brings it out). I’ve found my colleagues and friends respect that I’m a quieter, considered person and it’s not always the most confident, loudest people that get ahead in the long run. Sasha, you are incredible and in your videos you exude confidence. It doesn’t matter what others think because you are perfect exactly how you are xx.
Thank you for making this video; I can totally relate. What has really helped my own social anxiety is reminding myself that, because most outgoing people don't feel anxious in social situations, they don't overanalyse every detail of every conversation and tend to forget much more of what has been said than the socially anxious people. (Fear makes us retain and exaggerate negative emotions, which is likely why anxious people tend to remember most of their social interactions as completely disastrous.) Because of this - and my outgoing friends have confirmed this many times - most people not only don't give our social awkwardness a second thought, but likely don't even notice it. So you can treat every conversation - be it with a stranger or someone you already know - like a separate, one-time event rather than the continuation of all your previous conversations with that person because you're most likely the only one who has noticed and remembers all your perceived 'screw-ups' from all previous conversations. So whenever you feel like you have something to say, don't worry about offending someone by talking over them. And don't apologise, because that would wrongly imply that you've done something wrong. Most people don't take these little details as close to heart as the socially anxious people do, so your chances of offending an outgoing person by talking are very slim. :) I'm sure you already know all this. Just hoping to cheer you up. Great blog!
you're opening yourself up a lot in this video, spread the message to the whole world with people that you know colleagues whoever! Be courageous and act! and you'll start accepting yourself more
How can people hurt you so bad, you have a smile so adorable. Love your character and ♥ to your openness, integrity in your video Sasha. With heartfelt respect to you from the U.K.
Thanks for sharing. I was the same exact way as a kid and even got therapy for it. That sort of helped but I still struggle. It definitely helps to see others going through the same thing. :)
The problem is that I also have VERY VERY Low voice. And there are people who always say “whaaaat? What did u say? Can u speak laughter? Did u bite off u tong?!” I hate that, it makes it worse for me....
youre so damn sweetly honest. i so get what youre saying, specialy the part bout people who i suffered of social anxiety for most of my life and though im much much better in the last years, i still have this thoughts, sometimes daily... i think its a good idea to talk to a professional, it really helped me, even i was doing a long way by myself... whats really helps me is watching like videos of self impruving (like the best infinite waters and teal swan;)), and sun gazing defenetly playes a great role in my progress but most of all i find that when im anxies the best thing to do is just be in what i feel and not argue with my thoughts, just being with it, and after a few minutes it just disappears... or when its about feeling to shy saying or doing something i want, then sometimes its the best to just telling yourself whatever, then everyone think im ridiculous but fuck it.. most of the time it appears the opposite. :)
I feel like you being so aware and understanding of where you'd like to grow is going to help you. You're just like me when I was younger--I've worked hard to improve myself and I've only been able to do it by understanding myself enough to make the right changes. You'll become more assertive but will always be respectful. I know you'll get there!
hey, I just found your video and I just wanted to say that I relate so much to all that you said about social anxiety and, honestly, I really want to thank you because you had the corage to be outspoken here, honest and emocional about how this effects your life. I have been looking for some information about social anxiety and, in a sea of really scripted and unpersonal videos, it felt good to hear someone speak from their heart. thank you so much.
lol sorry for all the comments but i was writing as i watched. I really want to take an assertiveness training because I struggle with all these things too. I think practice makes perfect when it comes to growing in a way that you can assert your energy in social settings.
I seriously have never related to anything more that what you have just said... I just never really knew how to put it in to words. Thank you so so much for making this video.
OMG, YOU said everything in my chest. I am confident and beautiful and people say I am gorgeous. Recently I became very anxious in social situations. I think you and I are going through the :growing pain" where before in your life you did not care about people then now our brain develops to be sympathetic towards others. This is why we think we got an issue but in reality with are fighting with ourselves inside and do not realize that we are just developing and growing spiritually as individuals. This stage will pass
You're not alone honey. SAD remains the biggest obstacle in my life. I used to be outgoing and social but all that suddenly changed and I have no idea why. Today I try as much as I can to avoid interacting with strangers. For me one of the biggest challenge is that people find it hard to understand my situation. They just dont get it. It's a tough situation to be in.
I can relate so much. Sometimes people ask me why I'm so quiet. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing good to say. I feel like I have nothing interesting or funny to say. Everything that comes out of my mouth is just cynical, bitter, and negative.
I can relate to this SO much. I am currently going through another rough patch this year with my anxiety as it is holding me back socially and with finding a job, etc. So thank you for posting this! As you said, it's nice to know that other people go through it too. :)
OMG same here! lately I've learned to break through the barriers and step up and say what I have to say. And you know what? I have found that what I have to say contributes more to the conversation, then the initial conversation itself if that makes any sense LOL. I feel your pain on that and then I got tired of it and said no more!
Thank you so much for sharing this Sasha. You aren't alone and you are amazing and brave for sharing this. Quieter people need their voice to be heard just as much as anybody else .... I've overcome so much anxiety in my life but I know there is so much further for me to go because I value my voice and what I have to share. I know people need to hear my thoughts too so I'll fight to overcome social anxiety even more. You are amazing girl[=
Watching this video made me think of my social anxiety which GAVE ME ANXIETY. It sucks. I know exactly what you're going through! Everything you said is me to a T
I definitely struggle big time with the same issues. And I have learned going out to Open Mikes, Karaoke, stand up talk comedian. It doesn't matter whether you cry, scream or make a fool of yourself is a great way to tell a story, especially songwriting having been there myself. I have made a fool of myself also. So these events can be the events that you can use the spotlight effect directed toward something positive rather than focusing on overcoming the negative.
I didn't think I actually had social anxiety before watching this video. I thought I just was an introvert and thats why I feel the way I do in social situations. Like calling people on the phone, I almost dread doing it, I just hate the fact that I have to speak to someone on the phone. Sometimes feeling that people are watching you and constantly judging you on every action if the you're the focus of attention. There's just lots of things which are a result of social anxiety. It's annoying
I definitely understand where you are and I've been there and I'm getting better slowly. It makes me irate when people don't acknowledge you like you're air like wtf hi, I'm here can you please act like it? I typically don't bother confronting people and I would rather move away, but sometimes I'll just get annoyed enough if I'm angry and say something. If I'm in that sad/depressed state though, it's definitely not happening. Anger is stronger an emotion than sadness/depression and typically warrants a response. It took me most of the movie with a seat kicker to finally get so annoyed that I turned around and said "ya you're really kicking my seat" oh my heart was racing but it felt good. I think what we need is like a class that practices boundaries. Something where we simply practice saying no and learning how to get a firm voice. Maybe learning to call from across the room, using our diaphragm, learning power poses, maybe combining powerful moves with no idk that's sounding more and more like a woman's self defence class lol. I always feel like I need an excuse to say no like when someone asks me for something. For example one time when a stranger, who was about my age asked to borrow my cell phone I just said "no." and he said "oh it'll only be a minute.." "I said "no, I'm not going to tell you again." I was so proud of myself, but I'm learning to say no without a reason, *unfortunately* that can be interpreted as being rude, but there's no middle ground. You're either a bitch or a pushover. Another time some European man smacked the glass case where the cashier part is in the cosmetics dept of my old job (10 years ago) and I was further in the corner helping someone. He was sort of knocking like to get my attention and that's a HUGE pet peeve of mine like oh look at you so important I'm just going to drop everything to help you pay for your fucking bullshit when I'm clearly in the middle of helping someone else. So I went up to him and went off! "You know that's extremely rude what you're doing there. Can't you see im helping someone else? You're not the only important one here wait your turn!!!" like steaming fucking mad. I was beside myself just watching the whole thing pan out. I didn't hold my ground like I wanted to tell him to fuck off and get lost (seriously the job wasn't worth it) and I ended up ringing him through and he said to the other customers in Spanish "oh no quiera trabajar" she doesn't want to work. Oh bitch please. I WISH I had told him to fuck off. This isn't sexist old timey Europe where the man gets served first buying his can of sardines or whateverthefuck it was just that in my irate episode I had the realization "you might get in trouble" so I backed down. I got so mad because that's a side of me that doesn't come out often.
I'm the queen of the comeback. After the conversation is over I think of something clever and want to "come back" and respond with the quips I missed out on. I also agree with thinking about the highly sensitive person concepts below. The next time I see you in the gym if I remember I might mention it since there are lots of comments here. Good luck!
i think i understand you.. it is so annoying and depressing somehow for me to have a problem like yours, its cool that you talk about this on youtube! sometimes i feel like: at least, people with social anxiety seem to be sensible very often.. and i think being sensible is a good thing! what people see others as also depends very much on what they want to see and we cant change that and its not our responsibility to try to - if someone meets me and has bad intentions, its his*her bad character, not my personality, that is reflected, when he*she reacts in a mean way!!!
Girl.... EVERYTHING you said is my every day life. You are not alone. I thought I was the only friendly outgoing person with anxiety. Alot of people say the same thing "you're too friendly and outgoing to have anxiety!" Yet I still do. I know I am confident. I was raised since day one to never let anyone run me over.. but yet I still let people steam roll me!!! It's so frustrating and most people just dont understand. I've had so many jobs... I also have ADHD which also effects me every day and it sure doesnt help my anxiety. My anxiety has alot to do with my ADHD and my ADHD causes alot of my anxiety. It's hard for me to explain alot of my feelings and actions.... but you explained it perfectly. I wish there was an easy way to rid of these mental illnesses... 😞
Listen to me Sasha!! It's simple.. you have the seed to the solution in your own words. You have CONFLICTING DESIRES, as I do, and did. You want to give people the right impression, you want to not hurt people, but you also want to be yourself and express your authentic feelings. And YES, you are sometimes bored, pissed off, angry with other people. You need to, first, acknowledge that, for yourself. And then you need to decide decide, girl! Which is more important. Keeping things "cool" with everyone and "smooth" or allowing yourself the entire space and width of expression. Regarding being afraid of Over expressing, over reacting. Yes, I know that too. Yeah' maybe you will over react, but so what! also, realize that it comes from taking things *personally*. And as it maybe true, you're in a stage that you need to acknowledge that you are ENTITLED to tak things personally because you are a PERSON, and a significant one. The assertiveness and the equanimity will come later, don't worry about that. Of course none of what I said is Easy, but that's the key.. that's the direction.. to start looking at reality clearly, with a personal honesty towards yourself. Much love to ya!!
I think the source of social anxiety is inner shame. You consciously or subconsciously perceive yourself to be a person who is by nature inadequate and/or unworthy of love and acceptance from others because you're "lower" than everyone else and not in their league. This is something you may have developed within yourself or through external influences having internalized over time. Interacting with other people effects the nervous system like you're under attack because you feel as though you are being attacked, even though they may not say anything you feel they're thinking it and are laughing at you or insulting you behind your back. You believe that they instantly don't really like you because they see you for who you think you are and that they're only talking to you because they have to or out of "politeness". If they were to make fun of you or give you a negative comment then your whole world comes crashing down and it only confirms how you felt all along. This exacerbates the inner shame and increases the social anxiety. If its persistent in your life then in your mind it may end up being considered as a verification by other people that the way you perceive yourself is indeed true and real and if you receive any positive comments they are just "trying to make you feel better" and telling you to learn to "accept your inadequate and inferior self for who you are and live with it". So you resign yourself to believing you're a social outcast and expect and desire to be treated as such. This usually leads to varying degrees of depression, possible addiction and/or seclusion from society and in extreme cases to self-harm and suicide or it could lead to antisocial behaviors and hostility by developing an attitude of "you don't like me so I don't like you", which in extreme cases leads to physical abuse and violence. The key is to find the source of the inner shame and remove it from your life.
Excellent comment! I am surprised that it has been overlooked. I think what you are saying probably applies to many of us with Social Anxiety. I know it does to me. The inferiority/shame/ unworthiness/ must be subconscious with me. Consciously and intellectually I know I am not inferior to other people. I suffered sexual abuse, emotional abuse and bullying as a child, which is the cause of these feelings I have about myself, subconsciously . Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I appreciate it very much. May I ask: do you suffer from Social Anxiety yourself? You are very knowledgeable.
You are right, it has to do with shame and cognitive distorted beliefs, also the consistency with being nice, people need to develop self-respect, self-efficacy, learn to deal with difficult people, recognize their distorted beliefs, and gradually expose to specific social phobias until desensitized, some people work backwards, so they instead get into martial arts, start doing strength exercises...they change their physiology in order to affect their perception of themselves and the world
billywhitewolf wow I feel like you just wrote my life story. Powerful, I’m going to try and find the source of my shame, hopefully that will help. Thank you
This comment means so much to me. You just explained how I felt with words I couldn’t find. Wow. I have a lot to think about. I’m going to start going to therapy and bring this up and see if we can get to the root of it
AMAZING!!! This is exactly how i feel
i am an introvert for the most part, but sometimes i have bursts of confidence. if only they lasted longer
Yep I feel the same!
Me too big time xx
Yeah, I've noticed that I'm almost a different person depending who I'm hanging with, I can become an extrovert around a certain close friend, or even mirror the person Im talking to. But then when I go to a room full of strangers I have to interact with, I'm usually the guy who doesn't talk and gets uncomfortable and shy. I can easily have 1 on 1 private conversations, but if the whole group talks to me, sometimes I feel its too much to handle. It's really weird and limiting, and it's something I want to and will have to overcome. I want to be the kind of person that can make friends everywhere he goes, and make everyone around me feel good and comfortable.
im scared to get burts of confidence because very soon im about to be in danger when reality hits and my brain just gone hit like a train and it all goes
away
Before I had anxiety I wasn't shy I didn't mind talking in a large group, or random people. Now I can't leave my room it's annoying.
growing up and relying too much on internet for social interactions i think can play a big part in this.
+Rice And Raw Most likely, because the first attack happened while I was at the mall, and the second while I was at work just a few days after the first attack, which made my brain think there's danger if I leave my house, I only wish I didn't let it get too me while I was at work who knows maybe if I didn't my brain wouldn't had put fears into me.
I'm sorry to hear this :( maybe it would be good to ask a close friend or supportive family member to go out with you into public places and work together to have a good and relaxing experience. Maybe enough of these experiences will remind you that it is completely safe and good to get out of the house and be around people. It would also be very helpful to seek out a therapist or life coach to discuss these incidences and work on how to reprogram your mind to work in your favor
Jonny Q i have the worst SA
in history and i dont know what to do.
+noway noway I'm sorry to hear that, I was never shy around people or even a large crowd of people till my first attack over 2 months ago it sucks, what symptoms do you have? and I hope you have a way to get better, and remember you're not alone.
I have severe social anxiety (just got diagnosed 2 days ago) but I try and hide it all the time. It's sooooo exhausting. People don't understand. I feel fine around people I know really well but near anyone I don't know very well it's very stressful. I'm conscious of everything I say and do and don't want people to have an impression of me that isn't true. Thanks so much for talking about this, I was really feeling alone this week. I HATE to talk about it with anyone because nobody understands!
Totally relate. It makes me feel so drained
I feel like my shyness is ruining my life. today I made an absolute fool out of myself in class, all bc I had to say something in front of everyone and I couldn't. Nothing would come out & my teacher made it worse and kept asking me why it was so hard for me to say something, that even a 7 year old could do it, etc. my classmates defended me and explained to her that some people are shy and don't like to talk out loud etc. it felt nice that they understood but I still feel like an idiot.
& what I hate the most is that I don't defend myself. It's hell lol
mel atleast ur classmates are nice i had fucking awful classmates so they just made it worse for me
mel I feel you . you will be over that you just have to take it easy. you can do it and be the person you want to be
Brian Jones I know right, I'm so mad I didn't stand up for myself back then. And I'm sorry to hear that :( people can really suck sometimes :/
mel >>>>> That teacher should be dealt with!! Doesn't she know every student is different, that makes me soooo angry.....its people like her that make this world suck!!! I'm glad that others spoke up for you......now thats a nice thing to do!! Just remember shes just a bitch.....its not you.....there are lots who don't like speaking up around alot of people. I have anxiety really bad too.......some days its not so bad, others terrible. I wish there was a place for us to go, where we could meet each other......that would be good. Give us something to do, like color, stuff envelopes....... something.....I dont know. Anyways have a good day, peace!!
I hate it when my classmates make a big deal when I finally have the confidence say something. It makes my social anxiety and depression so much worse. I also hate it when people say that I'm "just shy" in the register. They'll never understand that it's so much more than just being shy.
Same here. Whenever i have to speak, even just a couple of words my whole class will make a huge thing out of it which makes me feel more akward and anxious :/
I feel the same way! Sometimes when I get up the guts to say something and get interrupted, I actually end up feeling shame about even trying to speak... and then that puts me off speaking for the rest of the conversation. It's tough but I get a little bit better every year. I used to be so socially anxious I couldn't even order at restaurants.
I was able to shift my social anxiety into other problems. I used to be afraid to speak to a gas station attendant, to anyone, to bad people, nice people, didn't matter how I judged the person, if they were a human being I was afraid.
For years I flittered between living as a hermit and striving to maintain a social life with people I believed were "cool." A lot of these experiences involved heavy drinking and later, heavy drug use. Through the gauntlet of college experiences I went through, I developed an alter ego that is fluid and shifts depending on who I am with. I am well liked by everyone but loved by few.
I dont party like I used to but I realized that I will still jump into my social personality as soon as I can.
But at work I never feel comfortable being this fake person, because he is loud, boisterous, not professional. My true side, my uncultivated social side of my life, comes out in the workplace because I never know how I should act socially. By the end of the work day, in an intense corporate office, I feel completely drained. Worst of all, I know all of my coworkers think I am a boring person who is hard to get to know. The dichotomy between what people at work think about me vs what my friends think about me; the kicker being that nearly no one knows the true, weird me.
Wow. Thank you for sharing this. I can really relate and I've never been able to express it quite as succinctly as this. I see you wrote this 2 years ago - did it ever get better for you?
This is me
I go through a lot of that as well. I hate hurting people's feelings, so I often just bend around their needs to avoid the conflict. It's good and bad like you said lol. Good for them, bad for us. We don't have to turn into dicks, but standing up for yourself a few times can really get the ball rolling in how you deal with people. Take a martial art maybe? Not that you have to kick people in the face to solve this issue lol, but just knowing you could handle yourself physically can do wonders for your mental game ;)
+Vegetable Police Why hello there.... funny were both watching this video today.. I can relate..the older you get, social anxiety gets better..
tattooed vegan
Good to know ;)
i agree. i also hate hurting people s feelings too. i call myself a realist. i look at the world honest but we humans don t like the truth about our reality to much lol. i wish we humans was smarter. man that would be wonderful.
If you want to get rid of your social anxiety fast then go here now: HootSpeak.xyz
Same
"Expose yourself to your deepest fear, after that fear has no power and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free" :) And by saying this I don't mean "expose yourself to people" because the truth is you are not afraid of people! So by exposing yourself to the deepest fears I mean accepting that people can not like what you say, and that it is possible that you will waste their time by saying what you want to say (or at least they will feel this way), that you will make them incomfortable sometimes and that they will make you unfomfortable too. Accept it. Accept the fact that sometimes you say silly things, things that are not funny, not perfect. Because it doesn't matter. People and situations are powerless without your reaction. And don't try to name things as "good" and "bad". It's just a perspective based on people's experience, personality, history etc. Life just is :) Neighter good nor bad, your words are actually neigther funny nor boring :D that's why do what you feel like doing, say things you want to say and don't mind what happens :) Because as Jiddu Krishnamurti said "Do you know what my secret is? I don't mind what happens" :)
Thank you for this comment. It's very wise and empowering:))
+BeFantasy Exactly!
i agree.
If you want to get rid of your social anxiety fast then visit this great website here: HootSpeak. info
BeFantasy what a load of shit, another person who has the cure for anxiety but there is no cure but whatever works for you silly kid
Certain cultures value the loudest and most brazen but as they say " empty vessels make the most noise" . Shyer people get overlooked but are generally where you find the wisest, most understanding and emotionally intelligent people. You can get by and learn to fake a certain level of confidence and even feel real confidence about your beliefs and your innermost self but there's no need to really change who you are or emulate others. Let the dicks be rude and if they cut you off it's their loss.
Shanmu Chen YES 👏👏👏👏👏👏
Good video. Sasha you don't have to change who you are and everyone doesn't have to like you and you don't have to like them. I've realized in life if you have 2 or 3 special people in your whole life like your parents, family, close friend, that is enough to sustain you forever. If you love yourself that is all that matters in this world and the older you get into your 30s and 40s you'll start to know that these people don't matter or what they say. Most of them you'll never see again once you or they leave. There are a lot of selfish people out there but even the ones who seem confident have their own insecurities. You are more of the intellectual introspected, and thinking kind of person. I use to dwell about my social anxiety too, hold grunges at those extroverts, and be pissed off at the world that I didn't have a lot of friends and acceptance. But when I hit the age of 40 I was able to let all that go and be happy with myself. I work for myself with online sales and marketing and I can go days without working with anyone in person and it makes me happy as hell. I would rather live under a bridge than deal with the office gossip and socialization I use to have to deal with. I'm not saying you are as a bad as me but if everyday you come home unhappy with the people you have to work with than you need to find another job where you are in charge and not have to deal with the crap and you can make more money doing it. You have the intelligence and desire I think to do this. Again don't change who you are and the sooner you know that you are enough to be and have everything you deserve in life nothing can stop you. There is nothing that needs to be "fixed". I now enjoy who I am being esoteric, acentric, and slothenly awkward and people now pick up the aura from me that I respect them but I don't give a F if they don't respect me and they like me for it I think.
Go ahead and assert yourself. People aren't used to it yet and may get offended, but they will develop a respect for you over time if you keep at it. And assert yourself with a smile.
Train yourself every day. Convince yourself every day that you're worth it. *It's not about perfection, it's about process*
thank you.. this comment was simple, yet EXACTLY what i need to hear and tell myself daily. I've also found it important to take my time when I have the floor; I dont need to rush through what ii have to say as quickly as I can, I'm allowed to take time to breath! haha.
Nice! And yes, stay at your own pace and energy level rather than adopting that of others'. Go slow. And each morning: _today, no fucks shall be given_ :)
Daniel Kazmer i love this comment this made me feel so good. And i would love to train my brains back to normal
Thanks for this video, Sasha! My personality relates a lot to this, too. UA-cam has certainly helped a lot since I'm always talking about things I like. This has been key for me. If there is a subject that is not of interest for me, people would not even recognize me LOL! I don't know if that is like that for you but I definitely find my confidence when I am passionate about what I'm talking about.
I think you are an "empath" Tino. Please make a research on this. And you will know why you are the way you are in a better understandings.
Yes, most people must be able to relate to feeling empowered when the subject is of interest, and miserable when not.
Asking others questions definitely helps conversation flow easier when feeling shy, or else avoiding putting yourself in situations where you lack common ground.
Sasha, how others prefer to relate (eg. the tipsy person / to males / females / confrontational or otherwise) is about where they're at, and not actually a reflection of you.
Also, social anxiety will highly likely stem from upbringing in general, rather than one incident. A person with a strong self-esteem wouldn't be knocked by an isolated incident in the same way.
Social confidence does grow with time though, and finding more activities you love can help it to grow more so, plus ensuring you have slept enough and ensuring you have enough sugar in your blood, of course.
Low B12 can also cause anxiety. Since the blood test is inaccurate, a urinary MMA test (can buy on-line) may be useful.
Hope this helps!
+Anonymous thank u
+natureasintended thank u
If you want to get rid of your social anxiety fast then visit this great website here: HootSpeak. info
I am so similar. You are so relatable, and carry so much confidence. Thank you for sharing this! You are so inspiring!
this just seriously makes me want to give you the biggest hug and cuddle
You sound like an empath and like a highly sensitive person just like me. You should look into that! I'm exactly that way too and I'm reading some books that are really helping me.
Yes, I am an empath too and it is because being emotionally abused by narcissistic father in my childhood. I discovered this recently after suffering relationships with narcissistic men. If you suffered from emotional abuse please check out channels on UA-cam like "Thrive After Abuse" "Melanie Tonia" etc 💖💖💖
+applepie yes! Exactly! The ability of empaths to recognize narcacistic personalities is incredible.
+applepie that sounds like my exact situation - I am an extremely sensitive person and I know it's because my dad is always has made me such a nervous anxious person due to his awful behaviour my whole life 😳
Isabella The Bananarina I am sorry dear. Please learn about Cluster B personality disorders and educate yourself about emotional abuse and check out videos and articles on the internet to heal from it. I am watching videos on youtube from channels like "Thrive After Abuse" "Melanie Tonia" etc they are very helpful.
+Isabella The Bananarina SAAAME!
You're literally describing the same personal battle I've been having with myself recently and I understand 100% how you feel. It's like I'd rather put other people on a pedestal and tip toe round them in an attempt to spare their feelings and in turn, totally disregard my own like they dont matter. I've been playing past experiences over and over in my head where someone in the past has treated me like shit and I've allowed them to, but I imagine myself reacting and saying the things I wish I'd said and this is only making me angrier and more resentful. I think noticing these traits in yourself and wanting to change is definitely a first step. I've started writing a few notes down on a piece of paper reminding myself that I am no less important than the people around me and that I deserve respect just like everyone else, and I read them on the train in the morning on my way to work to try and get into this mindset. I only started doing it yesterday so I don't know if it is/will make a difference or not but if I stumble upon any other ideas that work for me I'll be happy to share them with you. Id also appreciate some advice too as I'm becoming such a coward when it comes to confrontation but deep down I know it's making me unhappy. But yeah, I totally feel you. You're not alone!
Take care! x
I feel like Im looking in the mirror..and the same story. I feel like it makes you withdraw more when you've been shut down and made to feel like you dont have a voice and matter. I still try to reach out..get cut off..then ignored. Your not alone. Much love!
It's about creating 'Triggers'... It's about being self aware & realising at the time when you are performing a habit that you want to change. That's the first step!
I used to be JUST like this when I was younger, it was crippling social anxiety & I wouldn't go out at all & school was horrendous for me! It has taken time, a LONG time to improve. I became more confident in myself & what I have to say & realising that what I have to say matters just as much as the next person. I found that my biggest issue was dealing with my family (where the social anxiety grew from!) Finding the 'Route Cause' & really look at it in depth !!
UA-cam is like a Diary... It's totally up to you what you want to say & post. Viewers are just spectators of your life. I love watching you share your life with us! 👍💐
I know exactly how you feel. Thank you for sharing this with us. You are not alone.
This is the first video I watched from you and I feel I can relate with a lot of the things you said. I have social anxiety and a lot of it came from my cousins making fun of me in my teenage years just because I was the quiet one. Everything you said in the video are things I ask to my self everyday. Thanks for making this video. Is very helpful to know I'm not alone like I sometimes feel, there are others going through the same thing as me.
Everything you said resounded with me so much. When I'm with people I'll do everything I can to avoid the mere possibility of rubbing someone the wrong way. For me this results in keeping most of my thoughts to myself and not making connections with anyone, and consequently feeling that I have no personality. I'm slowly starting to voice more of my opinions and be more confident that the people who matter will still accept me. I don't want to be the quiet, agreeable but forgettable girl anymore. If strangers think I'm rude for standing up for myself, so be it (although it still pains me inside).
I feel the exact same way. As many times as I try to tell myself not to care about what others are thinking of me, my insecurities always manage to somehow creep in the back of my mind and make me feel uncomfortable. I have been trying to work past it and let it go...which is always easier said than done, but seeing that I'm not alone in that is pretty comforting and motivating. Good luck!
Dearest R&R -
You are my most favorite You Tuber! LIke many others, I am a person who needs lots of alone time. But I think the key to speaking your mind and having others actually listen to you without steamrolling over you is that you have to feel that confidence within yourself. If you feel it inside, then it will manifest and others will feel it as well. Once you have that inner confidence, others will stop and listen to what you have to say. Also, I remember my husband talking about meetings, and how people always stopped and listened to what his boss had to say, because his boss spoke very rarely, so when he spoke, others knew it was important and would pay attention.
Sasha, you are so freaking beautiful girl, I just want to give you a big bear hug! I so resonate with what you're saying, and I think a lot of it comes with being highly empathetic. It's far more challenging to be super assertive when you're so sensitive to others feelings. The situational confidence puzzles me as well. Thank you so much for sharing, you're right - it is so comforting to know we're not alone ♥
i understand this so much. i find writing helps me a lot, let out all the feelings and dont bottle them up.
I completely understand what you are going through-I too have been battling with social anxiety my whole life..Iam a very shy and quiet person and like you I want everyone to get alone with me and not think negative..It's so difficult for me to start a conversation with someone and continue it without me acting awkward or overthinking on what to say next..their has been times were I start off a topic and it's going good but then I come to realize or start thinking what I started and during the middle of the conversation with the person I begin to start giving short answers to avoid saying anything further that would sound weird.. It's a constant daily struggle with my thoughts, socialness and what others think of me-sometimes its so much overthinking it gets me exhausted -I feel like I have gotten a bit better with time but I feel this anxiety will never completely leave.theirs other things you mentioned that I even got watery eyes knowing that i ain't alone thank you for this video
I feel unheard a lot of times too when I'm speaking sometimes .When in crowds , I literally start off speaking at an audible level and then almost end in a whisper when I feel like the person I'm sparking to starts scrutinizing what I'm saying . It's super annoying and embarrassing . But it's ok . We can not be perfect in every aspect of our selves. I pick my battles at this point in my life. We are all a work in progress. Good for you for recognizing something you want to change .
I have so much love for you Sasha! It's wonderful that you could post this video, you're helping so many people feel less alone.
I totally understand the "making room for other personalities" comment. People often talk over me and I let them have their say, but they seem to have no interest in my thoughts or opinions. It's made it really difficult to meet new people or network for my job. I really need to work on this, but I find it so difficult! You're definitely not alone.
I definitely can relate!! I feel quite confident about myself as an individual, but I totally let other people take control of situations and I also feel like what I have to say might just waste people's time, which is why it took me so long to start a UA-cam channel. I find that the more I push myself out of my comfort zone and into different social situations, the easier it gets
Sasha, oh my god I just want to give you a big hug. I can relate SO MUCH to this. It's insane. I don't understand the negative connotation of seeing a therapist. I do. And honestly it has helped me (and continues to help me) so much. I am now so much better at standing my ground and standing up for myself. One thing that has helped me is surrounding myself with wonderful, positive friends who are more confrontational than me. Watching them react to situations and comparing my normal reaction (to let the other person get away with XYZ...) and how my friends deal with it (by being more confrontational...in a positive way, usually)...and then mimicking that behavior...with encouragement from them... For me it's not about changing big things but proving myself I can say what I need to, do what I need to, a little at a time.
I can totally relate! I shared a video about my anxiety a few months ago. I really want to do an update. You're totally not alone & I know there's nothing you can do about & that's ok. I'm the same, with family, I'm totally myself, but strangers, I'm totally quiet & pull back. Unfortunately my anxiety has gotten so bad, I now take medication. I'm working on controlling it in other ways so I can get off the meds. But you're not alone! Much love! 💜
First off, I would've never guessed you felt this way. You are SO confident in your videos:) Truly inspiring. Thank you for sharing this. I'm the same exact way. Around my close friends and family I won't stop talking haha but then around new people or even friends (not quite as close) it is soooo hard for me to know how/when to interject into the conversation so I just don't. YES! (I totally let other people take the floor literally all the time) I'm always the one just listening to other people's stories but not sharing my own. Then I start to get anxiety that people are wondering WHY I'm not talking, it's a losing battle. and YES! I also make videos, edit them and then think they're not worth it so I never post. You're definitely not alone.
I also struggle with social anxiety and I'm not surprised by the way people treat me because I know I project my beliefs into people's heads to proof what I believe is right. They treat me like I treat myself, also unconsciously but not so unconsciously anymore because I observe my thoughts (what the inner critic says etc.). The outside, how other people treat us, is our mirror of our inner belief system. Social anxiety is a protective mechanism to protect us from further hurt. We need to protect us as long as these wounds are not healed (understanding/empathy/to forgive ourselves for judging our weak feelings, for not speaking up for us etc. is needed) and as long as we don't protect ourselves (speak up for us and lay boundaries) and that way allow that people can treat us badly.
Oh my god. I am tearing up. Sasha I am sooo thankful and relieved that you shared this. To know that someone I look up to goes through self esteem and social anxiety like me. My biggest issue is standing up for myself and being more assertive!!! Like you, every time someone does me wrong, I try to talk it out with them, but I am so afraid of confrontation that I get so uncomfortable and almost teary and I always do that "oh i am sorry, you win here is a trophy let us not talk about this anymore" every time and i ALWAYS feel so terrible afterwards and angry with myself like "why didn't i say that and just get my point across?! if only i had seen that coming!" then they just steam roll me and the conversation gets so one sided and it is as if their emotions matter more when my emotions matter just as much.
I see that we are such sweet souls, the types that will sacrifice ourselves for harmony. But I am learning that it is a big issue within ourselves. I learned from my psychology class that such behavior is literally unhealthy. The more assertive someone is with their wants and needs and emotions, basically the more grounded and confident they are in saying "I am___, and this is what I believe in" the least likely they were to suffer from illnesses, unlike our personality types that are so malleable and soft (the most likely to suffer from illness). I can see why because at the end of the day, we feel the most terrible and it is almost as if we are not "here" we are not grounded. Almost as if we try our very best to accommodate others that we start to fade away.
I think at times we need to love ourselves a bit more. I need to love myself more enough to stand up for myself and say "hey! that is not okay, you cannot do this to me! i matter. i believe in myself and if you don't roll with it then you can roll on the road". That is something I definitely must work on: to assert myself but in a manner that is controlled, grounded, and rational. I notice I am my least assertive when I get stuck in my head and feel so serious (at my work). Siigghh anyone else besides me and Sasha, let us all care a little less about others, (just a tiny bit), let us laugh more and forget the past because everything is momentary, life is all fun!!
Whenever I think like that, I find that it makes me a bit more assertive. I guess because it puts me in a great mood and so i am just more confident.
You articulated this so well! I am right there with you. It's a good trait to have to be sensitive to others, but when they are not sensitive to you, that's when you should give yourself permission to put your voice out there. The first things I noticed myself saying that bothered me was saying 'that's okay' to people when it really wasn't okay. Now I'm realizing that hurts me more than it will hurt anyone if I tell them no, or if I don't say what I really want to say. Make sense? Embrace your feelings! Take little steps to overcome this!
I totally know where you are coming from :) Mental health is super important so talking to someone is never a bad thing. As for saying "sorry" when someone else is at fault, I wouldn't see that as not standing up for yourself, however, I'm Canadian and that word just comes out of our mouth without thought :P Stay strong and try to look for the positives in all things, that's how I keep my anxiety at bay ❤️
I didn't feel like I had social anxiety till now, but the points you are making says a lot, it can happen in a lot of ways when you surround yourself with so many personalities you just want to stay in your room the rest of the week. I feel the same about being judged by the way you are, it makes you feel like an outsider to the rest of the people. and you are constantly putting yourself down for something you did wrong. If I could I would sit in my room constantly, I used to be a very outgoing person till the last 2 years. I go out but i try and make excuses if i can do so. surround yourself with positivity
Oh girl...you definitely aren't alone! It'll get better the more you practice. Baby steps...start with smaller goals like going up to someone you don't know at the grocery store and start a conversation about blueberries. The more you do random conversations where you challange yourself you will start to build confidence.
The worst part about being anxious is having something so wonderful that I want to say and can execute perfectly in my head but even I open my mouth to say it I clam up and it lacks passion and emotion...
As far as even someone says something shitty to you, especially in front of others I've learned the best thing you can do is politely ask them to repeat themselves as if you didn't hear them right the first time. You'll find most times they'll back peddle because they didn't think their tone or words through the first time they'll edit themselves. If they interrupt you, while they are taking say politely "oh, ok, go ahead" and smile...they'll usually apologize. Some people honestly don't check their tone or think about what they are saying before they say it...it's like they have the opposite problem than of us who have anxiety and think everything through.
Wow, I know how it feels to be feeling, what u felt. Mine happened when I was a child, during my mother was getting abused by my father, I never stood up for her years after years. I am still, but now I am
a father, just glad it is not inherited. Lol, but we are human, no one is perfect , I have S. A. D. It is hard day by days, but my son becomes my strength, just Knowing he is not, makes me happy. U are truly beautiful and to everyone who has it and doing this... Thank u... May God bless u muah
Ive had an issue with standing up for myself for a long time. It stemmed from past experiences with family relationships/ trauma, experiences with peers at school which neg impacted my self esteem. I was highly emotional and as I got into my late 20s I started to learn about a reactive nervous system, fight or flight, triggered by stress or any situation that reflected the experiences from my past .. so I would always either be super defensive and angry or stay shut and let ppl walk all over me. My sense of worth was something I had to nurture and learning to be present the moment these situations occur. Either I stand up for myself, or I let shit slide and not take it personally. It took me a long time to learn how to differentiate the need for one or the other. I went through a period looking for an argument with anyone I felt disrespected me, to being more relaxed when there's really no need to defend myself. Eckhart Tolle calls it the pain-body, a summation of all past experiences internalized literally become part of you, your cells, the mind which remembers, recalls ect. Running, stretching ,yoga, meditation, has all helped. Changing my diet helped, which I believe helped me build my self esteem, seeing the results I'm getting with consistency. I also write down how I feel and analyze it, because I can see how the mind is working, because it tends to make me project the wounded child, which was the identity I created for myself for yrs, but that is not who I really am. That ego identity is just a collection of past experiences ... sorry if this makes NO sense lol ... it took me 7 yrs of reading about the ego, mindfulness, and how the mind/ brain works to understand why I had such a reactive nervous system. Dont be so hard on yourself when these situations occur, but be aware and speak up, and then move on. Practice practice practice. Besides ppl are not as fragile as you believe ... stand up for yourself when it calls for it. :)
I know exactly how you feel. I'm trying to recover from a lot of anxieties in my life. There's a few things I just want to mention to you. Firstly, you said that you don't want to hurt anyone, but the thing is you're hurting yourself. So this being afraid to not hurt anyone, is hurting someone - you. Secondly, the way I'm trying to recover from this, and I find it's helping, is remembering that this life isn't permanent. Everything is only temporary. This works well in two ways because if something happens where you upset someone or someone upsets you, you can just remember that this is only temporary. The other way it works is it reminds you that you're only going to live as this person once, so this is the only chance you're going to be able to speak your mind and stand up for yourself. If you can't be you in this life you won't ever get the chance to be again. You won't get another chance at being you.
You're definitely not alone. Thank you for sharing and being honest. They say social anxiety comes from being hurt in the past, so we attribute social interactions with pain. Physical and emotional pain are in the same part of the brain. So we avoid social situations because our brains prepare us to get hurt.
I feel you hun. Having social anxiety is the worst. I think mine stems from my personality, I'm extremely introverted and have always been that way, thus leading to depression at an early age. I thrived off of someone who, like my cousin who was outgoing and bubbly and made me feel cared about. I think UA-cam videos have helped in a way to talk, but being around people and conversations can be a nightmare, especially if it's something I disagree with. I'm sorry I have no real words of wisdom but just know that you aren't alone. :/
Aw sweetie I had no idea. You are awesome and so brave sharing this with is all. Well done! You are such a kind and caring person, so strong too.
EVERYTHING you say is important, you are helping SO MANY people all around the world, me included!
You are sweet and kind and never ever doubt this.
We love you girl.
Sharing your stories with all of us is amazing and you are truly helping people change their lives for the better.
Xxx
You are truly amazing and I wouldn't expect you to have any of these problems. You need to just put yourself out there and not care about what others think of you. That is only going to hinder your personality and make you feel like you have a filter over yourself when talking to people. Instead just simply be yourself. Once you feel good on the inside the outside just falls into place. I hope this helps stay strong. Love you
Hear you loud and clear. It's ruining my life, too.
It is terrifying how much of myself I see in you. Everything you said is exactly how I feel. Like I can feel all the emotions your going through while talking. Your such a lovely soul. You smile when your hurting. Toxic People unfortunately seem to target weak people in life. Social anxiety keeps you weak but only in your head. Like sometimes I wish the person I am when I'm alone and when I'm people I'm comfortable with could be there all the time. I truly love that person.
I totally know how you feel with social anxiety. I actually walked out of a dinner party once (and it was a small one - just my parents and I with four of their friends) because I was getting so anxious about this one guy there who was really attacking me about my choice to be vegan. He was just calling me stupid and saying that what I'm doing isn't right or normal. It was so stressful and gave me so much anxiety that I literally just got up to go to the bathroom and then snuck out of the house. My parents got so mad at me for this, but I still feel like it was the best choice for me. It's a tough situation, social anxiety. I totally have confidence too (like you said you do) and a lot of the time I can deal with stuff like that. I'm not sure how to help you, but I hope you know there are a lot of people out there with the same problem :)
I listen to audiobooks on subjects I need help with in my life, you can listen to them over and over and try to recondition your brain! Gabrielle Bernstein has good topics like this on her youtube channel and makes good recommendations. Hyponosis works on reframing memories so that they don't have the same influence on your current behaviours. Theres definitely a few things out there than can help release old beliefs and to instil a sense of self worth in a social context. It's something that I have had to work on too being an introvert and having a background of social anxiety. All the best Sasha, I always love watching your videos!
I've been the same way as you for a long time where I've been confident and happy with myself but could never express that in social situagions,one thing I had found comforting that a friend told me is that it's okay not to have anything to say, that introverts usually don't speak unless they feel the need to and not just rambling nonsense and that's okay. I was too busy judging myself and thinking of what I should say all the time otherwise ill seem awkward and/or shy and I would get so lost in my head that I wasn't engaged in the conversations at all. I've come a long way, just remember that nobody has anything figured out and we're here to just have fun
Thanks for making this brave video. It sounds like you are by nature a gentle, considerate, nonviolent person. Those are wonderful traits to have!! But, remember that not everyone has the same gifts in the same degrees.
You wouldn't, for example, but into a conversation and ignore the quieter people, but the super-extroverted, loud-talker doesn't even comprehend that when he's doing it. He's simply following his natural tendency to seek out and latch onto whatever stream of conversation seems the most energetic at the moment.
There's no reason you have to feel bad yourself because you possess the more receptive, empathetic gifts! You have a quiet, powerful strength and a beautiful spirit. The challenge for all of us is navigating in a world with so many different personalities, using our strengths effectively.
I totally get it, Sasha. I am definitely confident in certain situations and very timid in others. But the truth really is that it is all about your attitude and how you perceive a situation.. what story you conjure up in your mind and what power you give it. Start with creating lightness around the situation. Remember: nothing is a big deal! Practice detaching yourself from your raw emotion. If someone cuts you off, that's okay. It doesn't have to turn into a game of who has the last word or who is the stronger, more confident person. You can let them cut you off and say their piece, and then calmly respond without being passive aggressive either. Something along the lines of, "Okay, so you're saying... What do you think about this point of view..." I hope that helps :) ... detach, detach, detach... and always create lightness!
Easier said than done when in the moment someone cuts you off you feel like why am I even here if they're not listening? It's a lack of respect.
imapineapple15 agree
You are a sweetheart. The truth is, people will misunderstand you and we misunderstand each other all the time but that's okay. As long as you know and are confident in your worth, it will show and shine to the people that matter most. Don't waste you're precious energy on proving to people and strangers who you are if they are abstinent from understanding you anyway. You are worthy, no matter what they think.
Hi! I'm in the same boat as your right now. I actually just made my first video about my social anxiety to hopefully help myself as well. Unfortunately my anxiety involves my head shaking every time even make eye contact with me. It's ruining my work life and my well being unfortunately. It was nice to hear that you are going through the same thing as me. I'm here to support you! I know how hard it is.
You are certainly not alone here Sasha, I relate a lot! Thinking of the right words in the moment can be SO hard and I too can become overly emotional when talking to people about little things that shouldn't be a big deal. I appreciate you bringing this up, it's a tricky thing and I don't totally understand the why either.
I get that too, people trying to talk over me. I say to them "hang on I haven't finished" and I continue talking, my point is valid. They usually apologise. If they don't I would listen to a bit more of the conversation then just walk off as my time is important and if they don't respect that then they are not worth wasting time on. You are also sensitive and seem like an empath so things will affect you more harshly than others..I am the same. EFT Tapping is really good to help with this. I do EFT and it helps heaps. Sometimes it is best to just avoid people until you feel stronger. The girl that pushed you...the same thing happened to me...she ended up punching me in the face. Not fun! I stand my ground now and haven't had anyone try to hit me..thankGod! I think by voicing it you are on the right track. Your point is valid:-)
I can relate to you sooo much I want to hug you. I've always had really bad social anxiety and it's the worst. I'm the same way in that I am confident in who I am, but I HATE the idea of people getting the wrong impression of me. I'm struggling with it right now in a new job. but know that you are NOT wasting people's time talking, your opinions are just as valid as everyone else's. I know how hard it is though. :( also, screw people who interrupt and talk over us. that's a negative reflection of them, not us.
also do you know what personality type you are? I'm INFJ and reading about it has really given me a sense of peace about myself even though it's only 1% of the population..
Overthinking > lack of concentration > Self consciousness > Negativity > Repeat = Social Anxiety. Now social anxiety has been a massive wall in my life and to be honest you have to to really work at it to overcome it I mean I used to want everyone to like me and that didn't work so I took this from another corner and thought if you like me then great and if you don't well nothing happens I really couldn't give a damn but it took me a long time to think this way and I had to work at it.
Having negative thoughts and always thinking of the worst thing that can happen only feeds the anxiety and if there were no negative thoughts and only positive then there would be no anxiety.
Hope this helps I mean it might not help you but just a few ideas that has given me a foot outside the door to help me on a daily basis and great video by the way keep going and don't give up on life :-)
Boo, you're on the right track. It's merrily a matter of strengthening that backbone and putting those changes you want to see in yourself into practice. Your voice will shake the first few attempts, but it gets easier; and you get stronger. One thing that helped me was to look myself in the mirror and say, "I do NOT put up with shit from other people." Say it over and over. You're a dope-ass human being, Sasha. Sending punk-rock-hippie vibes all the way from Arizona. PEACE.
Thank you for this video!! I'm the peacemaker. I hate conflict. Sometimes I feel upset with myself because I sacrifice me to keep the peace. It's not bad it's my personality. Being a nice person & considerate is not a bad thing. Finding that middle ground is tough. I have been working hard at stopping the "I'm sorry" to "excuse me". You are amazing!! ❤️❤️
i can relate. sometimes i think my personality doesn't translate, when in actuality it does. it's just that people i interact with aren't always giving me the feedback/reciprocation -- and that's how it's always going to be! so might as well learn to get comfortable with showing my personality..
Sasha!!! I just wanted to start off by saying you are amazing and I can totally relate. Both my boyfriend and I have social anxiety. What really helped me is trying to decipher between my own definition of what happiness, success, (or how I should act around other people) means to me and trying not to change who I am or what I want based on external influence that I just don't relate to. This can be really hard and takes a lot of soul searching but is well worth the journey.
I also relate a lot to what you said about having a hard time standing up to people who are just plain rude. I have learned to pick my battles with that one. Most of the time I don't even bother to be honest. I've found that most people either are totally oblivious to what they are doing and how it could affect someone else or they really just don't care and it's not my job to teach them kindness and manners. It would probably fall on deaf ears anyway.
Another thing that has helped me is having friends or a community that I can relate to. I have a small group of people who are like me and we have the best time talking about how awkward everything can be and how hilarious that awkwardness is. It is a great feeling when you can turn to someone and say "well that was awkward....." and they just get it. The Myer brings test helped a lot. (I am an Infp and the infp page on facebook is hilarious! ) and reading "the highly sensitive person" book also helped a lot. Social anxiety is real and can be incredibly debilitating but there is an incredible amount of good in it too
+Deidre Louise P.S.S and if you find the right therapist for you I bet that would be dope.
Sasha, I love you. I completely 100% understand the weird girl dynamic (I'm nervous whenever I meet someone, especially if they're a girl, because I'm so worried about what they'll think of me). I've experienced girls treating me oddly tons of times, and my mom used to tell me it was just out of jealousy. Maybe that's true in some cases, maybe not.
I've tried to stick up for myself, and did recently to an ex-roommate and ex-friend, whose friend was really rude to me while she was visiting...I think all the pent-up annoyance that I had suppressed out of wanting my ex-roommate to like me came out at once and I ended up screaming at both of them in the middle of the night and threatening to call the cops...it was bad. Not to mention I ended friendships with my friends from freshman year in college in the middle of my junior year, because I finally told them how I felt about the way they were treating me and they didn't really try to change. I was questioning a lot whether I was making a mistake in taking them out of my life and it was so hard to confront them, but I think I'm better off for it...
I don't think I have a complete answer for social anxiety, unfortunately. One thing that I know has helped with my confidence is teaching dance classes. Being in a leadership position has shown me that I have a confident side of my personality and am able to play that role when I need to (I used to be terrified to dance in front of others so the fact that I've taught it now for over a year is amazing to me), although I'm definitely still an introvert at heart. And practicing confronting people in a rational way has been useful too. I'd say practice with people closest to you first, like Joe and your family so that when you do, you're able to stay calm and in control. One thing that helps too is keeping people in my life whom I really strongly respect, and trying to avoid lots of contact with those I don't.
I'm so glad you made this and proud that you were strong enough to put it online. I've never left a comment on any of your videos before, but I've seen all of them and I feel like I know you to a degree by now. You are someone I look up to, as a fit and healthy vegan working a corporate job, you're exactly what I'm hoping I can be after I finish grad school. Keep doing what you're doing. You're lovely.
I feel like shit and can't sleep because I keep replaying an uncomfortable conversation at work in my head! You've described how I feel on so many different levels.
Hi Sasha. I’m so much like you that I don’t usually comment on videos because that’s putting myself out there too much - but I feel compelled to comment today. I’m quite a bit older than you and a professional, vegan woman so I feel quite connected with who you are. I’ve been watching you from the start because I find you deeply intelligent and empathetic with one of the most articulate vegan messages on UA-cam. It’s not easy being like us but I can say it gets a bit easier as you get older. Although it’s tempting to classify social anxiety as a good or bad trait, it’s neither because it’s just part of who we are (not the anxiety but the introversion that brings it out). I’ve found my colleagues and friends respect that I’m a quieter, considered person and it’s not always the most confident, loudest people that get ahead in the long run. Sasha, you are incredible and in your videos you exude confidence. It doesn’t matter what others think because you are perfect exactly how you are xx.
Hey there. What you're describing relates to me as well. Especially the part about not standing up for oneself. It truly sucks :(
Thank you for making this video; I can totally relate. What has really helped my own social anxiety is reminding myself that, because most outgoing people don't feel anxious in social situations, they don't overanalyse every detail of every conversation and tend to forget much more of what has been said than the socially anxious people. (Fear makes us retain and exaggerate negative emotions, which is likely why anxious people tend to remember most of their social interactions as completely disastrous.) Because of this - and my outgoing friends have confirmed this many times - most people not only don't give our social awkwardness a second thought, but likely don't even notice it. So you can treat every conversation - be it with a stranger or someone you already know - like a separate, one-time event rather than the continuation of all your previous conversations with that person because you're most likely the only one who has noticed and remembers all your perceived 'screw-ups' from all previous conversations. So whenever you feel like you have something to say, don't worry about offending someone by talking over them. And don't apologise, because that would wrongly imply that you've done something wrong. Most people don't take these little details as close to heart as the socially anxious people do, so your chances of offending an outgoing person by talking are very slim. :)
I'm sure you already know all this. Just hoping to cheer you up. Great blog!
you're opening yourself up a lot in this video, spread the message to the whole world with people that you know colleagues whoever!
Be courageous and act! and you'll start accepting yourself more
How can people hurt you so bad, you have a smile so adorable. Love your character and ♥ to your openness, integrity in your video Sasha. With heartfelt respect to you from the U.K.
Thanks for sharing. I was the same exact way as a kid and even got therapy for it. That sort of helped but I still struggle. It definitely helps to see others going through the same thing. :)
The problem is that I also have VERY VERY Low voice. And there are people who always say “whaaaat? What did u say? Can u speak laughter? Did u bite off u tong?!” I hate that, it makes it worse for me....
youre so damn sweetly honest.
i so get what youre saying, specialy the part bout people who i suffered of social anxiety for most of my life and though im much much better in the last years, i still have this thoughts, sometimes daily...
i think its a good idea to talk to a professional, it really helped me, even i was doing a long way by myself...
whats really helps me is watching like videos of self impruving (like the best infinite waters and teal swan;)), and sun gazing defenetly playes a great role in my progress but most of all i find that when im anxies the best thing to do is just be in what i feel and not argue with my thoughts, just being with it, and after a few minutes it just disappears...
or when its about feeling to shy saying or doing something i want, then sometimes its the best to just telling yourself whatever, then everyone think im ridiculous but fuck it.. most of the time it appears the opposite. :)
I feel like you being so aware and understanding of where you'd like to grow is going to help you. You're just like me when I was younger--I've worked hard to improve myself and I've only been able to do it by understanding myself enough to make the right changes. You'll become more assertive but will always be respectful. I know you'll get there!
your not wasteing peoples time. i have a very hard time standing up for myself as well. i also go back and think what i should have said.
hey, I just found your video and I just wanted to say that I relate so much to all that you said about social anxiety and, honestly, I really want to thank you because you had the corage to be outspoken here, honest and emocional about how this effects your life. I have been looking for some information about social anxiety and, in a sea of really scripted and unpersonal videos, it felt good to hear someone speak from their heart. thank you so much.
I completely understand. Im the same exact way! Social anxiety is terrible. I also have those moments too. Its really hard to overcome.
oh sasha! I know exactly how you feel. It can be so hard to stick up for yourself with the social bullies.
lol sorry for all the comments but i was writing as i watched. I really want to take an assertiveness training because I struggle with all these things too. I think practice makes perfect when it comes to growing in a way that you can assert your energy in social settings.
If it wasn’t for my social at work, I don’t think social anxiety would bother me too much . Thanks for your video Sasha .
I feel for you. I'm the same. Especially when shopping. It's really hard to not get stressed
I seriously have never related to anything more that what you have just said... I just never really knew how to put it in to words. Thank you so so much for making this video.
OMG, YOU said everything in my chest. I am confident and beautiful and people say I am gorgeous. Recently I became very anxious in social situations. I think you and I are going through the :growing pain" where before in your life you did not care about people then now our brain develops to be sympathetic towards others. This is why we think we got an issue but in reality with are fighting with ourselves inside and do not realize that we are just developing and growing spiritually as individuals. This stage will pass
You're not alone honey. SAD remains the biggest obstacle in my life. I used to be outgoing and social but all that suddenly changed and I have no idea why. Today I try as much as I can to avoid interacting with strangers. For me one of the biggest challenge is that people find it hard to understand my situation. They just dont get it. It's a tough situation to be in.
I can relate so much. Sometimes people ask me why I'm so quiet. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing good to say. I feel like I have nothing interesting or funny to say. Everything that comes out of my mouth is just cynical, bitter, and negative.
I can relate to this SO much. I am currently going through another rough patch this year with my anxiety as it is holding me back socially and with finding a job, etc. So thank you for posting this! As you said, it's nice to know that other people go through it too. :)
OMG same here! lately I've learned to break through the barriers and step up and say what I have to say. And you know what? I have found that what I have to say contributes more to the conversation, then the initial conversation itself if that makes any sense LOL. I feel your pain on that and then I got tired of it and said no more!
Thank you so much for sharing this Sasha. You aren't alone and you are amazing and brave for sharing this. Quieter people need their voice to be heard just as much as anybody else .... I've overcome so much anxiety in my life but I know there is so much further for me to go because I value my voice and what I have to share. I know people need to hear my thoughts too so I'll fight to overcome social anxiety even more. You are amazing girl[=
Watching this video made me think of my social anxiety which GAVE ME ANXIETY. It sucks. I know exactly what you're going through! Everything you said is me to a T
You already have the ability to change lives with your voice, you have impacted mine!
A therapist could help, they can provide you a perspective you might not be able to see on your own!
I definitely struggle big time with the same issues. And I have learned going out to Open Mikes, Karaoke, stand up talk comedian. It doesn't matter whether you cry, scream or make a fool of yourself is a great way to tell a story, especially songwriting having been there myself. I have made a fool of myself also. So these events can be the events that you can use the spotlight effect directed toward something positive rather than focusing on overcoming the negative.
I didn't think I actually had social anxiety before watching this video. I thought I just was an introvert and thats why I feel the way I do in social situations. Like calling people on the phone, I almost dread doing it, I just hate the fact that I have to speak to someone on the phone. Sometimes feeling that people are watching you and constantly judging you on every action if the you're the focus of attention. There's just lots of things which are a result of social anxiety. It's annoying
I totally feel this and see you. It's still a struggle. Good luck babe
I definitely understand where you are and I've been there and I'm getting better slowly. It makes me irate when people don't acknowledge you like you're air like wtf hi, I'm here can you please act like it? I typically don't bother confronting people and I would rather move away, but sometimes I'll just get annoyed enough if I'm angry and say something. If I'm in that sad/depressed state though, it's definitely not happening. Anger is stronger an emotion than sadness/depression and typically warrants a response. It took me most of the movie with a seat kicker to finally get so annoyed that I turned around and said "ya you're really kicking my seat" oh my heart was racing but it felt good. I think what we need is like a class that practices boundaries. Something where we simply practice saying no and learning how to get a firm voice. Maybe learning to call from across the room, using our diaphragm, learning power poses, maybe combining powerful moves with no idk that's sounding more and more like a woman's self defence class lol. I always feel like I need an excuse to say no like when someone asks me for something. For example one time when a stranger, who was about my age asked to borrow my cell phone I just said "no." and he said "oh it'll only be a minute.." "I said "no, I'm not going to tell you again." I was so proud of myself, but I'm learning to say no without a reason, *unfortunately* that can be interpreted as being rude, but there's no middle ground. You're either a bitch or a pushover.
Another time some European man smacked the glass case where the cashier part is in the cosmetics dept of my old job (10 years ago) and I was further in the corner helping someone. He was sort of knocking like to get my attention and that's a HUGE pet peeve of mine like oh look at you so important I'm just going to drop everything to help you pay for your fucking bullshit when I'm clearly in the middle of helping someone else. So I went up to him and went off! "You know that's extremely rude what you're doing there. Can't you see im helping someone else? You're not the only important one here wait your turn!!!" like steaming fucking mad. I was beside myself just watching the whole thing pan out. I didn't hold my ground like I wanted to tell him to fuck off and get lost (seriously the job wasn't worth it) and I ended up ringing him through and he said to the other customers in Spanish "oh no quiera trabajar" she doesn't want to work. Oh bitch please. I WISH I had told him to fuck off. This isn't sexist old timey Europe where the man gets served first buying his can of sardines or whateverthefuck it was just that in my irate episode I had the realization "you might get in trouble" so I backed down. I got so mad because that's a side of me that doesn't come out often.
I'm the queen of the comeback. After the conversation is over I think of something clever and want to "come back" and respond with the quips I missed out on. I also agree with thinking about the highly sensitive person concepts below. The next time I see you in the gym if I remember I might mention it since there are lots of comments here. Good luck!
Thank you for sharing, been dealing with this my whole life. Maybe low self-esteem, low self confidence, annixity, depression, etc...
i think i understand you.. it is so annoying and depressing somehow for me to have a problem like yours, its cool that you talk about this on youtube! sometimes i feel like: at least, people with social anxiety seem to be sensible very often.. and i think being sensible is a good thing! what people see others as also depends very much on what they want to see and we cant change that and its not our responsibility to try to - if someone meets me and has bad intentions, its his*her bad character, not my personality, that is reflected, when he*she reacts in a mean way!!!
Girl.... EVERYTHING you said is my every day life. You are not alone. I thought I was the only friendly outgoing person with anxiety. Alot of people say the same thing "you're too friendly and outgoing to have anxiety!" Yet I still do. I know I am confident. I was raised since day one to never let anyone run me over.. but yet I still let people steam roll me!!! It's so frustrating and most people just dont understand. I've had so many jobs... I also have ADHD which also effects me every day and it sure doesnt help my anxiety. My anxiety has alot to do with my ADHD and my ADHD causes alot of my anxiety. It's hard for me to explain alot of my feelings and actions.... but you explained it perfectly. I wish there was an easy way to rid of these mental illnesses... 😞
Listen to me Sasha!! It's simple.. you have the seed to the solution in your own words. You have CONFLICTING DESIRES, as I do, and did. You want to give people the right impression, you want to not hurt people, but you also want to be yourself and express your authentic feelings. And YES, you are sometimes bored, pissed off, angry with other people. You need to, first, acknowledge that, for yourself. And then you need to decide decide, girl! Which is more important. Keeping things "cool" with everyone and "smooth" or allowing yourself the entire space and width of expression. Regarding being afraid of Over expressing, over reacting. Yes, I know that too. Yeah' maybe you will over react, but so what! also, realize that it comes from taking things *personally*. And as it maybe true, you're in a stage that you need to acknowledge that you are ENTITLED to tak things personally because you are a PERSON, and a significant one. The assertiveness and the equanimity will come later, don't worry about that. Of course none of what I said is Easy, but that's the key.. that's the direction.. to start looking at reality clearly, with a personal honesty towards yourself. Much love to ya!!