To book a 1:1 coaching session with Mark, click here: www.notdefining.com/coaching-info. Text chat with Mark and join group sessions at patreon.com/notdefining. For more videos click the JOIN button.
I came out to my family a couple of weeks ago and it was the most liberating thing. I know it’s not for everyone but for me it was worth the pain. I’m finally living my life openly and free of any judgement from my family. I consider my loving friends my true family just because they see, understand and support me for who I am. If your family doesn’t do that - maybe it’s time to think about it all. Sending you much love!
My biggest rant is for people to STOP trying to put us into their square little box because of their small mindedness. I'm bisexual and proud. I know my sexuality and it's no ones damn business but my own.
I’m SO grateful for this video to even be presented here on UA-cam!!!SO just thank you 🙏🏻 … thank you for the compassionate discourse around this question! As a 47 year old Bisexual woman… I cannot count how many times I’ve been asked this very ignorant question 🙋🏻♀️ 😢… never knowing how to answer.. it causes extreme stress Every time!! I agree with everything said here!! SOo happy to have found your channel here too! I find myself outside of the LGBTQIA 🏳️🌈 community and it’s nice to have found you here! Hoping to figure out more ways of expanding all of our senses of community! In the gay community where nobody should be left out.. we often are!!💔💔💔 It’s extremely comforting to know that somewhere someone understands all of these things!! Thanks for sharing! Sorry for the longest comment😉
My husband recently came out to me as bisexual. We've been married for nearly 18 years, so this came as a shock, though the signs were there. Including when he shared he's had past sexual experience with same sex individuals. I'm a very aware person and have done a lot of work to look deeply at my responses/reactions to things. I'm happy for him and moved that he felt safe to be open with me. It went over much easier than the first time. I've learned to temper my responses because, above all else, I dont want him to feel rejected by me. I encourage him to be his authentic self and to work towards accepting and loving himself fully. Anytime it comes up, I've learned to stay quiet, process what I've heard and come back to conversation. It's tough being honest about my initial reactions, I'm not proud, and I dont know where it comes from, but I'm determined to work through it. Anyways, back to this video. I appreciate you sharing this rant. I may not have understood why this question would trigger someone. Not that I necessarily would ask it, I never have, it really makes no difference to me. But now with this personal experience with my husband, who knows. I may inquire people more in hopes to gain some perspective and find peace within myself. It's good to hear your thoughts so I can continue being sensitive with a more fine-tuned perspective. Thanks for your work!
I’m a straight guy. My wife and I met in 1999 married in 2004. When we were dating she mentioned she had a GF at one point. I just said that was pretty hot and nothing more, this was late 2000 ish before we got married. She the took back things she told me about her past and during that conversation she told me she lost her virginity to me. Again, more of a oh wow moment and I listened to her and I was understanding. A few months later we married. It was in 2016 when I found out she did have a GF, again I thought it was hot but being so many years later I wondered why she didn’t tell me. And yes I did think in my head and I never mentioned it to her but is she telling me this because she needs more that I can’t give and for a few months I felt confused but it faded away. Fast forward to this year and we are doing our sexting thing, it’s kind of a foreplay thing we do. She asks about my fantasies when I’m having alone time. I tell her one and she tells me that she thinks of her GF she had and doing things with the gear only girls have. So… that feeling of does she miss being with a woman creep up. She tells me she’s happy with me and doesn’t need that and I believe her but that insecure feeling is there for me. I won’t tell her because it would hurt her and maybe she won’t want to talk about it when she wants to. Anyways … I needed to tell someone and be anonymous. Thanks
I hear you. It definitely puts insecurities in the limelight. The most important thing is being open with your partner. I know it's hard, but holding back ultimately just builds tension from unresolved issues. It's best to bring things up to the surface and allow her time to process. Her initial reaction may not be receptive, but give her time. For all you know, she may be bringing it up in setting conversations to see how you react. She may feel there is something heavy with that topic. This is just my opinion, obviously. I hope you find peace and feel free to be open regardless. Best wishes!
This video is filled with a lot of emotion and kudos to you for sharing and being so raw. Without being guilty of spiritual bypassing, it says more about you and what needs healing rather than being a reflection of how intolerable our society. I am and have been on the lower part of the totem pole not only due to my sexuality but also being a minority regarding my race, gender, and spiritual beliefs. We have no control over what others are going to say, but we can control how we allow their words to affect us. These triggers are actually a blessing in disguise, because it allows you to uncover the onion peels of trauma and reveal why you react to the question the way you do. I’m older and now in a place where I don’t give a F about what anyone thinks and says. My response would be, “I’m not sure actually 🤷🏽♀️ I’m in the process of discovering that myself, and actually I’m not really comfortable having that conversation in this scenario but I might welcome a future discussion at another time.” Once you truly learn to love YOURSELF unconditionally, no one can say anything to you that will cause you to stop feeling anything but deep love and acceptance of yourself. So the path to finding that love is the real solution. ❤🤗☀️🙏🏽
I do have an extreme preference so I like this question but unfortunately it’s also a survival mechanism. Due to biphobia, many lesbians don’t want to take a chance on a multisexual woman
Truthfully it's no one's damn business. Yes im a Bisexual male. I happen to be equally attracted physically and emotionally to women and men. Stop trying to put us into your square little box. Thank you for making these videos. 💖💜💙
At 76, I have concluded that explaining to ignorant people why they shouldn't be offending or abusing me is a waste of time. If they gave a damn they wouldn't be doing it. Therefore, I don't bother to be particularly polite. Non-aggressive, yes, polite, no. The sort of thing I would probably say is, "Do you know why that is a stupid question?" And, if the response is no - after all, it can hardly be yes - I would point out that the word bisexual actually means that their dualistic world view doesn't exist for us and we're tired of hearing questions about it. Or their bloody monosexual world view, which, upon reflection, is much better. I figure that, at that point, they can either back off and try to be civilized or one of us can leave. I'm from the US and, while I realize we're justifiably unpopular for our bad manners, there are times when good manners are wasted. This is one of them. Thanks loads for your rant. Every time I watch one of your podcasts I learn something. You're right about the triggering and CPTSD, of course. This is not a dismissal of your very valid complaint. I'm just tired of dealing with fools. Much love and gratitude from Northern California!!
I always get asked this question. But in more so from people in the LGBTQIA+ community. I get that sudden look of “this is a stop over before you make your choice” kind of look. And yes I get it from mono people too. It sucks that I am too gay for the straight community but too straight for the LGBTQIA+ community. Like the B isn’t silent!! Sorry this is my rant!!!
I used to freeze up when this question was asked... but since coming to terms with being agender I've found the perfect loophole - I tell them I prefer nonbinary people and they don't quite know how to process this and just write me off as a weirdo.
I understand the frustration. Bisexuality is such a complicated concept to monosexuals, because there is such a spectrum of bisexual experiences. I usually answer that, for me, it's not about preferring one over the other, it's that I experience attraction to men and women differently and for different reasons, and often at different times. My experience and identity have been fluid over time. I also add that I'm not only attracted to just cis men and women, so there's that. lol You're right though: that's not the answer that most people are looking for. Their intention (whether they realize it or not) is to categorize and label...to fit us into their narrow concepts and binaries.
It's funny because I thought that question bothered me the least but ... Over time, when I try to explain (as much as I can) how my bisexuality works, they keep categorizing me as gay or straight. It's like I'm wasting my time. So now, I just say, ' I'm bi ' and let people assume they're going assume. But thank you for the rant, I feel you ...
I'm bi, but honestly this question never bothered me, but I also do have a decently strong preference 😅I'd think most people asking are doing so out of curiosity, not to categorize. Saying you don't have a preference is a perfectly valid answer, or saying you don't think in that way, or even just saying you don't want to talk about your preferences with them. I think we as a society should normalize asking instead of assuming, but also normalize not having to answer!!! Biphobia sucks, I'm sorry you got to experience so much 🙈 That said, I don't think it's fair, helpful or healthy to assume people are judging you without actually saying anything judgy. Take care 💖
Honestly, this question is like asking if Schrödinger's cat is dead or alive. As soon as you accept the premise of the question, you've left the realm of possible answers and are left with nothing more than a useless dichotomy.
Thank you very much for this video. This is one of the reasons why I, as a bi woman, don't tell anybody about it. When asked by a heteronormative person, my answer is: that is a too personal question, and I won't answer it. When an LGBTQIA+ person asks me, I tell them that I'm bi. So far, my experiences were good. As a human being, I am so much more than just a gender. And if someone can't accept my answer, then there is no place for them in my life. I know this is harsh, but I am responsible for my wellbeing, and I take this very seriously.
Hey thank you so much for sharing your valid perspectives. This is totally understandable. It sounds like you are in control of your worth and your boundaries. This is so great to see. I love that we can support and validate each other. Sending so much love and gratitude to you for all your engagement and support. Mark 🩷💜💙
I always appreciate you sharing your experience and wish more bi people could feel comfortable enough to share. It can be so validating to hear that others have similar experiences and that we are not even that odd… not that there’s anything wrong with being out of the ordinary…
Any person who starts a sentence with “I think your orientation is…” is talking nonsense. Only you define it. You can absolutely have preferences when you’re bi. Most bi people do.
My close friends answering after my coming out: „Love that! What do we want to do today?“ My Christian family: not answering or „Who do you love more and why?“
I wanted to ask you something really quick..... how come when I journal, and whenever I start talking about pasnexual bros or gals, I say all kinds of nice things about them???
I agree with everything you said, but please don’t call gay people monosexual. As a lesbian I’m not attracted to just cis women, I’m attracted to non binary people and trans people too. Being “monosexual” is a very heteronormative way of experiencing attraction, because it’s usually straight people who see the world as cis men and cis women.
Do you know what, thank you so much for writing this. I really appreciate you making this point. At first I thought “huh? of course gay people are mono-sexual” but then I realised that actually that’s not necessarily true. I am going to reflect on that and alter the way I use that term from now on. UGH I LOVE THAT WE CAN LEARN TOGETHER THANK YOU!!!!!! So grateful. My sincere apologies for any offence or upset caused. I’m going to actually put a caveat in the notes of this video so people can see it. Thank you again.
I dont mind stating I have a lean towards men but I usually say that on my own terms. If someone where to ask if I preferred men or women it would feel very invalidating
Well, I as a bisexual catastrophe am into people I am attracted to... not their gender, nor their genetalia, duh! And I hate that question about being more into men or women, because it excludes NB, genderfluid and trans persons and so on. Also, how DARE you try to make a bisexual choose!🤯
Hi i have question What does mean I keep on looking girls does mean i am bisexual or lesbian but i sill love boys and what be with boys i am attracted for girls too and boys? What should i do?
Maybe resist the urge to catorgize yourself just yet?… just feel what you feel and pay more attention to those feelings that come up… maybe you’re fluid right now. It’s okay to be attracted to both men and women… maybe the label will come with time and so I would just suggest listening to yourself instead of feeling the need to choose a side just yet! One of the most attractive traits in any relationship is confidence in yourself and how you feel.. don’t worry about society’s ideas… all that matters is that you’re being true to yourself in each relationship you created
Hey there, I would be happy to chat through what’s going on for you and help you to move forward with things on Patreon.com/notdefining. We can focus on you and what it is that you need. I can’t answer this question directly though without a bit of going through it together. Sending love.
To book a 1:1 coaching session with Mark, click here: www.notdefining.com/coaching-info.
Text chat with Mark and join group sessions at patreon.com/notdefining.
For more videos click the JOIN button.
Make sure to take the “.” out of the end of the patreon link otherwise it sends you to an error page! ❤
Because of that question i have never told anyone in my family about my sexuality
I feel you.
I came out to my family a couple of weeks ago and it was the most liberating thing. I know it’s not for everyone but for me it was worth the pain. I’m finally living my life openly and free of any judgement from my family. I consider my loving friends my true family just because they see, understand and support me for who I am. If your family doesn’t do that - maybe it’s time to think about it all. Sending you much love!
Wow that is amazing. I am so proud of you ❤
When im asked if i prefer women or men i answer Yes. It typically stops them
My biggest rant is for people to STOP trying to put us into their square little box because of their small mindedness. I'm bisexual and proud. I know my sexuality and it's no ones damn business but my own.
I’m SO grateful for this video to even be presented here on UA-cam!!!SO just thank you 🙏🏻 … thank you for the compassionate discourse around this question! As a 47 year old Bisexual woman… I cannot count how many times I’ve been asked this very ignorant question 🙋🏻♀️ 😢… never knowing how to answer.. it causes extreme stress Every time!! I agree with everything said here!! SOo happy to have found your channel here too! I find myself outside of the LGBTQIA 🏳️🌈 community and it’s nice to have found you here! Hoping to figure out more ways of expanding all of our senses of community! In the gay community where nobody should be left out.. we often are!!💔💔💔 It’s extremely comforting to know that somewhere someone understands all of these things!! Thanks for sharing! Sorry for the longest comment😉
Hey thanks so much I’m so glad you found it validating. You are so welcome as part of our online community. We are family. 🩷💜💙
I’m so happy you could be vulnerable and vent.
My husband recently came out to me as bisexual. We've been married for nearly 18 years, so this came as a shock, though the signs were there. Including when he shared he's had past sexual experience with same sex individuals. I'm a very aware person and have done a lot of work to look deeply at my responses/reactions to things. I'm happy for him and moved that he felt safe to be open with me. It went over much easier than the first time. I've learned to temper my responses because, above all else, I dont want him to feel rejected by me. I encourage him to be his authentic self and to work towards accepting and loving himself fully. Anytime it comes up, I've learned to stay quiet, process what I've heard and come back to conversation. It's tough being honest about my initial reactions, I'm not proud, and I dont know where it comes from, but I'm determined to work through it.
Anyways, back to this video. I appreciate you sharing this rant. I may not have understood why this question would trigger someone. Not that I necessarily would ask it, I never have, it really makes no difference to me. But now with this personal experience with my husband, who knows. I may inquire people more in hopes to gain some perspective and find peace within myself. It's good to hear your thoughts so I can continue being sensitive with a more fine-tuned perspective. Thanks for your work!
I’m a straight guy. My wife and I met in 1999 married in 2004. When we were dating she mentioned she had a GF at one point. I just said that was pretty hot and nothing more, this was late 2000 ish before we got married. She the took back things she told me about her past and during that conversation she told me she lost her virginity to me. Again, more of a oh wow moment and I listened to her and I was understanding. A few months later we married. It was in 2016 when I found out she did have a GF, again I thought it was hot but being so many years later I wondered why she didn’t tell me. And yes I did think in my head and I never mentioned it to her but is she telling me this because she needs more that I can’t give and for a few months I felt confused but it faded away. Fast forward to this year and we are doing our sexting thing, it’s kind of a foreplay thing we do. She asks about my fantasies when I’m having alone time. I tell her one and she tells me that she thinks of her GF she had and doing things with the gear only girls have. So… that feeling of does she miss being with a woman creep up. She tells me she’s happy with me and doesn’t need that and I believe her but that insecure feeling is there for me.
I won’t tell her because it would hurt her and maybe she won’t want to talk about it when she wants to. Anyways … I needed to tell someone and be anonymous. Thanks
I hear you. It definitely puts insecurities in the limelight. The most important thing is being open with your partner. I know it's hard, but holding back ultimately just builds tension from unresolved issues. It's best to bring things up to the surface and allow her time to process. Her initial reaction may not be receptive, but give her time. For all you know, she may be bringing it up in setting conversations to see how you react. She may feel there is something heavy with that topic.
This is just my opinion, obviously. I hope you find peace and feel free to be open regardless. Best wishes!
It’s so nice to see a new video from the channel! Hope you’re well. I missed the queer affirmation 🌈
This video is filled with a lot of emotion and kudos to you for sharing and being so raw. Without being guilty of spiritual bypassing, it says more about you and what needs healing rather than being a reflection of how intolerable our society. I am and have been on the lower part of the totem pole not only due to my sexuality but also being a minority regarding my race, gender, and spiritual beliefs. We have no control over what others are going to say, but we can control how we allow their words to affect us. These triggers are actually a blessing in disguise, because it allows you to uncover the onion peels of trauma and reveal why you react to the question the way you do. I’m older and now in a place where I don’t give a F about what anyone thinks and says. My response would be, “I’m not sure actually 🤷🏽♀️ I’m in the process of discovering that myself, and actually I’m not really comfortable having that conversation in this scenario but I might welcome a future discussion at another time.” Once you truly learn to love YOURSELF unconditionally, no one can say anything to you that will cause you to stop feeling anything but deep love and acceptance of yourself. So the path to finding that love is the real solution. ❤🤗☀️🙏🏽
I'm sorry about the biphobia
It’s real isn’t it?
I do have an extreme preference so I like this question but unfortunately it’s also a survival mechanism. Due to biphobia, many lesbians don’t want to take a chance on a multisexual woman
Im scared to come out, honestly. I've talked shit on LGBTQ before, but that's when i was younger and didn't understand it, but now i realize who i am.
Truthfully it's no one's damn business. Yes im a Bisexual male. I happen to be equally attracted physically and emotionally to women and men. Stop trying to put us into your square little box. Thank you for making these videos. 💖💜💙
We're just bi. 😊 It's okay to be in the "middle".
At 76, I have concluded that explaining to ignorant people why they shouldn't be offending or abusing me is a waste of time. If they gave a damn they wouldn't be doing it. Therefore, I don't bother to be particularly polite. Non-aggressive, yes, polite, no. The sort of thing I would probably say is, "Do you know why that is a stupid question?" And, if the response is no - after all, it can hardly be yes - I would point out that the word bisexual actually means that their dualistic world view doesn't exist for us and we're tired of hearing questions about it. Or their bloody monosexual world view, which, upon reflection, is much better. I figure that, at that point, they can either back off and try to be civilized or one of us can leave. I'm from the US and, while I realize we're justifiably unpopular for our bad manners, there are times when good manners are wasted. This is one of them. Thanks loads for your rant. Every time I watch one of your podcasts I learn something. You're right about the triggering and CPTSD, of course. This is not a dismissal of your very valid complaint. I'm just tired of dealing with fools. Much love and gratitude from Northern California!!
Hey thanks for saying. Sending big love.
I always get asked this question. But in more so from people in the LGBTQIA+ community. I get that sudden look of “this is a stop over before you make your choice” kind of look. And yes I get it from mono people too. It sucks that I am too gay for the straight community but too straight for the LGBTQIA+ community. Like the B isn’t silent!! Sorry this is my rant!!!
3:20 Imogen in ‘Heartstopper’ Season 2 be like:
I used to freeze up when this question was asked... but since coming to terms with being agender I've found the perfect loophole - I tell them I prefer nonbinary people and they don't quite know how to process this and just write me off as a weirdo.
"So are you a top or a bottom?" is the one that grinds my gears the most. I'm none of your business, that's what I am.
Oh totally. Yes. Totally.
Not even one minute and I’m reconsidering every interaction with every person (bi or not) wondering if I’ve traumatised someone.
It’s not there to make you worry. It’s just there to raise gentle awareness.
@@notdefining The awareness is more than welcome 🙏🏽
good
I understand the frustration. Bisexuality is such a complicated concept to monosexuals, because there is such a spectrum of bisexual experiences. I usually answer that, for me, it's not about preferring one over the other, it's that I experience attraction to men and women differently and for different reasons, and often at different times. My experience and identity have been fluid over time. I also add that I'm not only attracted to just cis men and women, so there's that. lol You're right though: that's not the answer that most people are looking for. Their intention (whether they realize it or not) is to categorize and label...to fit us into their narrow concepts and binaries.
It's funny because I thought that question bothered me the least but ... Over time, when I try to explain (as much as I can) how my bisexuality works, they keep categorizing me as gay or straight. It's like I'm wasting my time. So now, I just say, ' I'm bi ' and let people assume they're going assume. But thank you for the rant, I feel you ...
I'm bi, but honestly this question never bothered me, but I also do have a decently strong preference 😅I'd think most people asking are doing so out of curiosity, not to categorize. Saying you don't have a preference is a perfectly valid answer, or saying you don't think in that way, or even just saying you don't want to talk about your preferences with them. I think we as a society should normalize asking instead of assuming, but also normalize not having to answer!!! Biphobia sucks, I'm sorry you got to experience so much 🙈 That said, I don't think it's fair, helpful or healthy to assume people are judging you without actually saying anything judgy. Take care 💖
Honestly, this question is like asking if Schrödinger's cat is dead or alive. As soon as you accept the premise of the question, you've left the realm of possible answers and are left with nothing more than a useless dichotomy.
Wow I couldn’t have said it better. Thank you for this.
Well said!
you are PISSED. but I get it :)
Thanks for the validation. I am indeed.
You said out loud what I am thinking. You are right to the people that I talk about my sexuality I feel the judgement or disbelieve about it.
Thank you very much for this video. This is one of the reasons why I, as a bi woman, don't tell anybody about it. When asked by a heteronormative person, my answer is: that is a too personal question, and I won't answer it. When an LGBTQIA+ person asks me, I tell them that I'm bi. So far, my experiences were good. As a human being, I am so much more than just a gender. And if someone can't accept my answer, then there is no place for them in my life. I know this is harsh, but I am responsible for my wellbeing, and I take this very seriously.
Hey thank you so much for sharing your valid perspectives. This is totally understandable. It sounds like you are in control of your worth and your boundaries. This is so great to see. I love that we can support and validate each other. Sending so much love and gratitude to you for all your engagement and support. Mark 🩷💜💙
I always appreciate you sharing your experience and wish more bi people could feel comfortable enough to share. It can be so validating to hear that others have similar experiences and that we are not even that odd… not that there’s anything wrong with being out of the ordinary…
Some people think you can't be fully. But you can be bi but prefer men, for example. So is that saying you're gay?
Any person who starts a sentence with “I think your orientation is…” is talking nonsense. Only you define it. You can absolutely have preferences when you’re bi. Most bi people do.
My close friends answering after my coming out: „Love that! What do we want to do today?“
My Christian family: not answering or „Who do you love more and why?“
I consistently say;" I don't care about the bus...I like the bus driver."
Yes I can definitely see them and I do my best to avoid the topic with those kind of people.
Well, why not just tell them the truth? On M-W-F it's men; on T-Th-Sa it's women. And Sunday is Potluck!!
😄
Love the Sunday haha
I wanted to ask you something really quick..... how come when I journal, and whenever I start talking about pasnexual bros or gals, I say all kinds of nice things about them???
I agree with everything you said, but please don’t call gay people monosexual. As a lesbian I’m not attracted to just cis women, I’m attracted to non binary people and trans people too. Being “monosexual” is a very heteronormative way of experiencing attraction, because it’s usually straight people who see the world as cis men and cis women.
Do you know what, thank you so much for writing this. I really appreciate you making this point. At first I thought “huh? of course gay people are mono-sexual” but then I realised that actually that’s not necessarily true. I am going to reflect on that and alter the way I use that term from now on. UGH I LOVE THAT WE CAN LEARN TOGETHER THANK YOU!!!!!! So grateful. My sincere apologies for any offence or upset caused. I’m going to actually put a caveat in the notes of this video so people can see it. Thank you again.
I’m sorry but I must disagree. I don’t understand how monosexuality can be heteronormative if gay people can experience it as well.
I dont mind stating I have a lean towards men but I usually say that on my own terms. If someone where to ask if I preferred men or women it would feel very invalidating
I feel your deep sigh at the end.
3:42 hit home 😂😭
🩷🩷🩷 you’re not alone
hehehe One of my favorite videos. 100% feeling it.
Omg thanks so much. I’m so glad you liked it.
Well, I as a bisexual catastrophe am into people I am attracted to... not their gender, nor their genetalia, duh! And I hate that question about being more into men or women, because it excludes NB, genderfluid and trans persons and so on. Also, how DARE you try to make a bisexual choose!🤯
I have two friends, both Male and Female who try and make out with me, it almost feels like two relationships.
Hi i have question What does mean I keep on looking girls does mean i am bisexual or lesbian but i sill love boys and what be with boys i am attracted for girls too and boys? What should i do?
Maybe resist the urge to catorgize yourself just yet?… just feel what you feel and pay more attention to those feelings that come up… maybe you’re fluid right now. It’s okay to be attracted to both men and women… maybe the label will come with time and so I would just suggest listening to yourself instead of feeling the need to choose a side just yet! One of the most attractive traits in any relationship is confidence in yourself and how you feel.. don’t worry about society’s ideas… all that matters is that you’re being true to yourself in each relationship you created
Hey there, I would be happy to chat through what’s going on for you and help you to move forward with things on Patreon.com/notdefining. We can focus on you and what it is that you need. I can’t answer this question directly though without a bit of going through it together. Sending love.