Maybe they'll make the book a graphic novel, or turn the movie into a Broadway musical, but knowing Hollywood it will probably become just another lame reality show spin off and a bunch of roommates arguing about who's turn it is to clean up the elephant dung this week. Nobody reads books anymore anyway, and this story would never work in book form.
Onion is irrelevant. Soon you will fall to the wasteland, just as MSM will. Don't be to worried, its not like you have investments in the chemical warfare business... Oops
I'm starting to think is movie is about religion... I didn't see it at first, but this brilliant review has opened my eyes just a little bit. I think this story was written before...
Nah. I'm pretty sure it's just loosely based on the internet porn site 'Bang Boat'. All the corollaries are there. The unhinged sex. The sexual tensions. The banging on the boat. Thank god for Bang Boat and the great porn it produces, and for inspiring a 'bang boat' of 6,000 years ago or so.
This is why the Onion is pure genius. I saw this and I was sure. Absolutely sure I had their angle. Either treat it like literal history or go ahead and treat it like entire fantasy just to make people rage in the comments. But no, they went this way. Utter genius.
To be fair, this is a real thing: in theology and biblical exegesis there's a concept called "typology", where characters, events or even objects from the Old Testament are seen as prefigurations of those from the New. For instance, Jonah in the belly of the whale is seen as the "type" for the "antitype" of Christ in the tomb and then his resurrection. Maybe Peter was inspired by that.
I remember when I saw this film, in the part where it shows the womans hand picking the apple while the snake watches, I recognised the reference instantly of course. I still think its probably one of the most clever allusions to the madness of King Nebuchadnezzar I have ever seen in a movie.
I think the crucifix was chosen to symbolise Jesus's family - his mother, father, and the holy ghost are represented by the 3 short ends, and his barely mentioned brother, the one who was meant to lead Christians after Jesus died, by the long end, with Jesus himself of course represented by the intersection. Crucifix accurately portrays the unfortunate human politics and machinations which lead to Peter overtaking the Chirstian movement and stealing it from the Divine Brother of Jesus
@@NJ-wb1cz The Apostle Paul was really the one that stole Christianity away from its Jewish roots and made it a gentile religion. Peter and James, the brother of Jesus, were the leaders of the Jewish faction that probably died out in 69 AD with the Jewish rebellion.
The ark is on Mt. Ararat now. Just as God said it rested after the flood. There is a worldwide tradition among all natives everywhere of a global flood. Robert Ballard, one of the world's most famed archaeologists has proved that the flood did occur. You can google him. (Robert Ballard and the Flood). Geologists William Ryan and Walter Pitman gathered compelling evidence that showed a flood may have occurred in the Middle East region about 7,500 years ago. Rising Mediterranean Sea pushed a channel through what is now the Bosphorus, submerging the original shoreline of the Black Sea in a deluge flowing at about 200 times the volume of Niagara Falls and extending out for 100,000 square miles. According to current archaeological evidence, civilization appears to have originated in the Ararat/Babylon region. The genealogical records of many of the European kings can be traced back to Japheth, son of Noah. An analysis of population growth statistics confirms that there was zero population at the estimated time of the end of the flood. This indicates the global demise of humans by Noah's flood. Human palaeontological evidence exists even in the earliest geologic 'ages' (eg human footprints in Cambrian, Carboniferous, and Cretaceous rocks). If the layers of rock were laid down by a global flood and then interpreted as evolutionary long-ages, human remains and artefacts would appear to be in such positions. The most ancient human artefacts date to the post-flood era. This indicates that the earlier hardware could have been buried beyond reach by a huge flood. Calculations have shown that there is nearly the same amount of organic material present today, worldwide, as there would have been if all the fossils were still alive (Morris p:685). This indicates the demise of all living things in a single global event. Palaeontological evidence indicates that the early earth had a warm/humid climate. This is consistent with the destruction of the old atmosphere by the processes of a global flood as described in Genesis. The glacial period started very quickly. This would require a cataclysmic event such as a global flood to trigger such a rapid climatic change. Similar geologic formations exist in rocks of all ages (eg rifts, folds, faults, thrusts, etc.). These can just as easily be explained as being created in the same cataclysmic global event. Studies show that much of the world's folded beds of sediment have no compression fractures, indicating that they were contorted while they were still wet and soft. For this to occur on a global scale, and on sediment thousands of metres thick, it would have required a catastrophic global flood. Rocks of different geologic 'ages' have similar physical features indicating that they could have been created by a single worldwide event - such as a global flood. There is an absence of physical evidence that indicates a time change between rocks of 'successive ages'. Sedimentary rock layers worldwide appear to have been laid down very quickly, as by a global flood. Globally, there is an almost complete absence of any evidence of animal and plant root activity within the tiny layers of sediment. Slowly deposited layers should show this activity, flood deposits wouldn't. All types of rocks (eg limestone, shale, granite, etc) occur in all geologic 'ages'. This indicates a common formation on a global scale - the situation that would have been created by the mixing of sediment in a global flood. Many geological processes have a recent geological date. If the long-age evolutionary time scale is ignored, these processes would have occurred in the very recent past - ie. as a result of the flood cataclysm. Recent volcanic rocks are distributed widely. (see last point above) The uplift of the major mountain ranges are relatively young, based on evolutionary chronology. If the long-age evolutionary time scale is ignored, these processes would have occurred in the very recent past - ie as a result of the flood cataclysm. There is a lack of correlation between radiometric 'ages' and assumed palaeontological 'ages' (Morris p:686). A global flood could easily create an illusion of geologic 'ages'. The consequent conflict between dating methods confirms the illusion. Fossil 'graveyards' are found worldwide, and in rocks of all 'ages'. Only a catastrophic global flood could achieve this. The burial of fossil deposits worldwide had to have occurred in a catastrophic event. Only massive flooding could bury in such a fashion. Marine fossils can be found on the crests of mountains. Apart from mountain uplifting, this can also be explained as the marine animals being washed there and then buried. A global flood could do this. There is a worldwide distribution of most of the fossil types, indicating transportation on a global scale by a global flood. Fossils from different 'ages' are often found mixed. This indicates a huge mixing of animal bones that is not consistent with a local flood. Worldwide, fossils from different 'ages' are often found in the wrong order. This indicates a global mixing of fossils as a consequence of a global flood. Supposed evolutionary fossil sequences often parallel the ecological zonation that occurs today (Morris p:686). If a global flood mixed organisms from different areas, it would create the illusion of a fossil sequence over time. Dinosaurs and many other prehistoric creatures died out suddenly. A catastrophe such as a global flood could have produced this result. Polystrate fossils (viz. vertical fossil tree trunks) that are found worldwide indicate turbulent or rapid deposition. A global flood would be required to do this worldwide. Polystrate fossils also form when water-logged timber sinks in a large body of water. A year long global flood could produce worldwide polystrate fossils formed in this way. Animal tracks and other ephemeral markings (ripple-marks and raindrop imprints) have been preserved throughout the geological column. Rapid covering of these markings is required for this preservation worldwide - ie. by a global flood. Meteorites are basically absent from the geologic column. With the large number of meteorites hitting the earth each year, they should be very plentiful throughout the sedimentary rocks - unless much of the world's sedimentary rocks were laid down in one year. Sedimentary rocks contain fossil ripple-marks and raindrop imprints, but no hail imprints. A global flood (with associated rain), that was not caused by storms would not leave hail imprint marks. Some desert areas show evidence of 'recent' water bodies. Water from a recent global flood would remain in large pools (bodies of water) for some time before evaporating. There is evidence of a recent drastic rise in sea level. A global flood could easily have created this feature. Raised shorelines are found worldwide indicating a time when the world had a different sea level. A consistent interpretation of this is that a global flood altered the levels of the oceans and seas. Mountain-high water level marks found throughout the world are consistent with the recession of a global flood. River terraces are found worldwide. (Morris p:685) There is a universal occurrence of rivers in valleys too large for the present stream. Slow erosion over millions of years could not have created these valleys as the mountains would have eroded, keeping pace with the valley erosion. The drainage of global floodwaters from the land surface could easily create such wide valleys in a short period of time. Only modern sediments show any evidence of surface drainage systems. If the majority of the world's sedimentary rocks were laid down by a global flood there would not be any sign of drainage erosion except for the top layers eroded during the recession of the flood waters off the land. Hydrologic evidence points to the rapid deposition of sedimentary rock layers. Therefore, the thousand's of metres of sediment must have been deposited by a catastrophic global flood. Hydrologic evidence points to the world's sedimentary rocks being deposited in one continuous episode. All the layers could have been laid down by a single event, such as a global flood. Hydrologic experiments show that flowing sediment automatically settles out in distinct layers. Therefore, sedimentary rock layers can be just as easily explained as flood debris, as slow deposition. There is a worldwide occurrence of deep alluvial deposits and sedimentary rocks consistent with a huge global flood. There is a near-random deposition of formational sequences. (Morris p:685) Nowhere in the world is it possible to see the complete geologic column as a single structure. It is always found in bits and pieces, and mostly with pieces missing. Globally, a worldwide flood could create the illusion of a geologic column. The oldest organisms still alive on Earth today, the Californian Redwoods, Sequoias and Bristlecone Pines, are around 3,000-4,000 years old. Nothing is older than the date of Noah's flood.
Everyone knows that the original story of Noah's ark was an allegorical reverse parody of the James Cameron Titanic movie, which is itself a socio-marine pastiche of the Jaws franchise
I heard he had sharks on the boat but he had to sneak em on because of their reputation. He had them dress like sheep and stand in one of the stalls on a pair of saw hoarses. Where they get that old expression a shark in sheep's clothing. But he had to throw them overboard because too many species became extinct every night, and the sheep skin covered sharks had big bloated bellies in the morning. Turns out that they had big bellies because the elephant was fucking them. The woman shark was preggers and the male was pumped full of elephant splooge. The elephant incidentally was also responsible for stomping the missing animals flat. He did it because he was into that Japanese crushing fetish and it's how he got himself started before shark fucking each night. The bible is one sick twisted fucked up book.
well, to be fair this story appears to predate Gilgamesh, so its probably one of the oldest know stories in history, which makes the fact that its almost solely associated with Judaism and Christianity quite amusing honestly
vikingdrizzit Muslims firmly believe in the flood though. Most of the people who believes in the flood are muslims actually since, these days, most christians have accepted science and realized that everything we know contradicts such an event ever taking place.
trev moffatt Ummm no.... "These people are killing a raping each other with reckless abandon" So I'll wipe them all out. When the Nazi Regime exterminates millions of people.... AMERICA TO THE RESCUE. When All of humanity is sacrificing babies and raping people religiously and God wipes them out? "God is an obnoxious brat". Double standard much? Murder is when a human kills a human. Not when a creator of humans deletes his creation.
>That moment when one person doesn't realize that Noah took his family AND THEIR FAMILIES, therefore making it possible to have descendants not conceived through direct incest. At worst they'd be cousins but still, not like that automatically means they had any physical/mental deformities that would lead to someone having to point out that "some crazy incest [was] going on".
Everyone fucks in the end "Sausage Party" style. The sequel is ultra depressing "Requiem for a Dream"-type story about all the horrible genetic mutants trying to survive, because having only a pair of every single animal on the Ark created 100% inbred animal and human population.
I think it is more of an allegory of Elrond Hubbards path from discovering the gospel of Xenu (Gods message) to his saving the innocent and assembling of the heroic Sea Org (Gathering the Animals and Building the Ark) to his ascendance as a star-child (ship) (The ark in the flood) on that warm summers evening of january 24th, 1996. But that's just my subjective authority.
I rather worship Science, and i mean not going to school to learn an actual skill or anything. Nope just worship it. Because thats better than hooky religions anyday amirite
An interesting take, but he forgets to explore why the Christ-figure in this film is given the name “Noah”. A quick Google search reveals that Noah is actually Hebrew in origin, a connection that is left unexamined here.
I thought he'd have a moment of realization at the FLOOD of people part, followed by him trying to move on as planned, visibly uncomfortable, but Onion is nothing if not original!
Strange that the animals haven't attacked each other and this 'God' fella? Comon, it's just Superman 2.0 so no way to stop him (wait, or is having nobody worshipping him his weakness, that's why forcing people to do that or die), I don't know, get your act together Hollywood!
Dyskit Does the movie go into how the family got rid of all the poop ? Or how they stopped the predators from eating two of every kind of non-predator ? Perhaps they were all too busy trying not to poop for 40 days and nights that they didn't consider eating each other ? :)
OriginLinear If I reject God, who made me, and showed utter disregard for His deity and dared to demand God follow my version of righteousness and truth, I would expect Him to destroy me. But I already realize I am a sinner and can not live to God's holy standards. On my own, I do not deserve to have eternal life. I have it through Jesus Christ, who died for all Mankind. He is the righteousness of God.
Peter Rosenthal is truly the Roger Ebert of our modern age. I could never have drawn the parallel between the flood and what Jesus Christ taught about salvation.
Hmmm.... how about "The da Vinci Code"? I've never seen the film, but the book was so awful it's difficult to believe that anything in any media could possibly be worse!
The movie sure leave much for interpretation and I can definitely see the parallels to even Old Testament stories even if they aren't all that obvious to the casual movie goer. I also see references to Islam when for example Noah in his ark rides on top of the waves far above the flooded land to his holy destination that was Ararat. To the perceptive viewer this is a clear tribute to prophet Muhammad when he rode high above the land on his winged horse to the holy cities of Mecca and Jerusalem. These Islamic undertones must be why so many fundamentalist Christians have hated the movie despite its references to the New Testament and Jesus Christ.
I was to and had my guard up and was like. say what??? he is telling the truth. What is making him tell the truth. I mean, I'm glad he is, but lol what?
Jondi Dongola Wow, the joke flew right over your Christian head, huh? Some of us don't consider the "Old Testament" to be the prologue whose every detail is anticipating Jesus.
Jondi Dongola The joke is that seeing Jesus allegories in movies is common, but the reviewer misses that this is literally a story from the Bible, just a different one.
I agree that this is a good movie, but I believe you are looking at it too hard. I think it has nothing to do with religion and biblical undertones. It is simply the story of a man named Noah who is building an arc.
Oohhhhhhhh. That's why he has a beard ... I'm such an idiot, because I thought that was a reference to Jor-El in the movie "Man of Steel", which of course has no references to Jesus whatsoever, hence my confusion. I mean why make any reference to that film if you're talking religious allegory? Duh! Now it all makes sense because I had thought that by making that reference to a pure action movie, they were trying to implicitly position this film as the prequel to the hit action disaster movie "2012", (2012).
when Jesus was being nailed to the cross, the gospels say he cried out, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." i find that beautiful, and applicable here.
Well yes, I guess that's fine if you want a surface reading of the film, but if you actually looked a little harder you'd see the obvious thematic parallels to Odin's creation of the world from the bones of the frost giant Ymir.
It is true that the Genesis flood account shares many striking similarities with the Babylonian Gilgamesh epic, and with the Babylonian Atrahasis epic, for that matter. In fact, literally hundreds of flood traditions have been preserved all over the world, with traditions abounding in Europe, Asia, Africa, and Australia, as well as both of the Americas, and the Genesis account shares similarities with most of them. Of the flood traditions which have survived to the present time, about 95% describe a global cataclysmic deluge, 88% tell of a favored family of humans saved from drowning to reestablish the human race after the deluge, 66% say the family was forewarned of the coming cataclysm, 66% blame the wickedness of man for the deluge, and 70% record a boat as being the means by which the chosen family (and animals) survived the flood. More than one third of these traditions mention birds being sent out from the boat. Since every culture has descended directly from the flood’s survivors, it is logical that stories of this traumatic event are both abundant and universal, having been passed down from generation to generation. This is certainly the case. Many of these traditions are remarkably consistent, considering the relative isolation of the cultures, the length of time that has elapsed since the flood, and the human tendency to embellish, exaggerate, and distort stories over time. The Babylonian and biblical accounts of the flood appear to represent different retellings of an essentially identical flood tradition. Skeptics want to imagine that there was, in fact, no flood and that the Bible’s flood account was borrowed from a Babylonian myth. The evidence seems to suggest otherwise: there was, in fact, a catastrophic worldwide deluge, and the veracity of the biblical account is attested to by numerous other similar ancient accounts. In addition to abundant historical evidence, there is a wealth of physical proof in favor of the flood’s historicity. The flood of Noah’s day was most certainly a real historical event, and the biblical account of what happened is trustworthy. Read more:www.gotquestions.org/Flood-accounts.html#ixzz2xNBXKuOf
In the same line of armchair logic, you could conclude that dragons and phoenixes existed, as they are even more abundant in our ancient history, even in seemingly independent civilizations. The problem with that, however, is that you assume too much based on your flawed common sense, and take these stories for granted. Not only do you not have the empirical evidence to back up your claims, you don't even have the theoretical basis for this, because you assume that all of these flood myths reference one single event. In fact, floods weren't anything unknown to man in the early centuries of the agricultural revolution, because most settlements were near water. As bodies of water go, they sometimes overflow and threaten the settlement. This is a much more simple explanation than grouping myths that differ on many substantial points (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_flood_myths) to make up some biased claim on world geology. Your arguments are of similar variety and just as weak as those of the ancient aliens proponents.
kev3d Nice theory. I'm just glad religious nuts are constantly being shown for the true bigoted idiots they are. They are dicks to people who do not think the same as they do. To ~Hell~ with them ;)
So they are saving the innocent animals. Well, to of each kind. The rest can go ahead and drown. As for Peter, he is one devoted bisexual polyamorous Christian.
What the flying fuck? I can't believe Onion is who broke the news to me that Noah's made by Aronofsky... I usually go watch anything he makes but I draw the line here.
If I call it something cool like "meta," does it become funny? "This is like, so meta, bro! They're breaking down the fourth wall and taking it to the next level! Way to think outside the box and push the envelope!" Maybe I'm just cynical.
The book was clearly written with the film adaptation in mind. Some of the subject matter might well gather a modest cult following though. As Linnaeus used to hum to himself: ua-cam.com/video/PJjelCREtvA/v-deo.html "All the fauna with two horns, he forgot the Unicorns Only two of every kind, every kind that we could find"
Peter might be right. There seems to be some religious allegory at play here.
Loled hard
Not convinced
Seems?
I think I'll wait for the book to come out.
nice one!
It keeps being delayed.
Maybe they'll make the book a graphic novel, or turn the movie into a Broadway musical, but knowing Hollywood it will probably become just another lame reality show spin off and a bunch of roommates arguing about who's turn it is to clean up the elephant dung this week. Nobody reads books anymore anyway, and this story would never work in book form.
You missed the first print, but the promised Second Print should be just around the corner, as it was for the past 2000 years.
It's REALLY long...
Peter K. Rosenthal is a genius. A genius, I say.
He's what now !?
The Onion Reviews 'Noah'
UA-cam may be a failing, completely irrelevant website, but nevertheless, subscribe to our page bit.ly/xzrBUA
Love it! Actually makes too much sense to be a parody
Onion is irrelevant. Soon you will fall to the wasteland, just as MSM will. Don't be to worried, its not like you have investments in the chemical warfare business... Oops
They write like everyone really liked the onion...it's completely irrelevant.
that smug look mr. Rosenthal is giving at the very end of this review suggests he's holding back a irrational, if not to say irreverent laughter.
Great review. Can't wait to not watch it! Noah has a great beard though, am I right?
I'm starting to think is movie is about religion... I didn't see it at first, but this brilliant review has opened my eyes just a little bit. I think this story was written before...
well, you were right actually. Darren himself said that this would be "the least biblical biblical film ever made."
It's a religious movie made by an atheist.
Nah. I'm pretty sure it's just loosely based on the internet porn site 'Bang Boat'. All the corollaries are there. The unhinged sex. The sexual tensions. The banging on the boat. Thank god for Bang Boat and the great porn it produces, and for inspiring a 'bang boat' of 6,000 years ago or so.
This is why the Onion is pure genius. I saw this and I was sure. Absolutely sure I had their angle.
Either treat it like literal history or go ahead and treat it like entire fantasy just to make people rage in the comments. But no, they went this way. Utter genius.
To be fair, this is a real thing: in theology and biblical exegesis there's a concept called "typology", where characters, events or even objects from the Old Testament are seen as prefigurations of those from the New.
For instance, Jonah in the belly of the whale is seen as the "type" for the "antitype" of Christ in the tomb and then his resurrection.
Maybe Peter was inspired by that.
This is the most beautiful form of trolling I have ever seen.
I remember when I saw this film, in the part where it shows the womans hand picking the apple while the snake watches, I recognised the reference instantly of course. I still think its probably one of the most clever allusions to the madness of King Nebuchadnezzar I have ever seen in a movie.
I thought that would go over most people's heads. Kudos!
The crucifix symbolism with the huge wooden ark makes sense now, thanks.
I think the crucifix was chosen to symbolise Jesus's family - his mother, father, and the holy ghost are represented by the 3 short ends, and his barely mentioned brother, the one who was meant to lead Christians after Jesus died, by the long end, with Jesus himself of course represented by the intersection.
Crucifix accurately portrays the unfortunate human politics and machinations which lead to Peter overtaking the Chirstian movement and stealing it from the Divine Brother of Jesus
@@NJ-wb1cz The Apostle Paul was really the one that stole Christianity away from its Jewish roots and made it a gentile religion. Peter and James, the brother of Jesus, were the leaders of the Jewish faction that probably died out in 69 AD with the Jewish rebellion.
@@cjb4924 yeah, I meant Paul, not Peter
Eh another film adaptation of a book. Can't wait until hollywood goes back to hiring writers instead of just adapting someone else's work.
T.K. Martin You're hoping or you wouldn't have commented to make yourself feel better. Saying it out loud or typing it doesn't make it true.
T.K. Martin Well if you don't know what Faggot means, I doubt you would understand the Flood.
The ark is on Mt. Ararat now. Just as God said it rested after the flood. There is a worldwide tradition among all natives everywhere of a global flood. Robert Ballard, one of the world's most famed archaeologists has proved that the flood did occur. You can google him. (Robert Ballard and the Flood). Geologists William Ryan and Walter Pitman gathered compelling evidence that showed a flood may have occurred in the Middle East region about 7,500 years ago. Rising Mediterranean Sea pushed a channel through what is now the Bosphorus, submerging the original shoreline of the Black Sea in a deluge flowing at about 200 times the volume of Niagara Falls and extending out for 100,000 square miles.
According to current archaeological evidence, civilization appears to have originated in the Ararat/Babylon region.
The genealogical records of many of the European kings can be traced back to Japheth, son of Noah.
An analysis of population growth statistics confirms that there was zero population at the estimated time of the end of the flood. This indicates the global demise of humans by Noah's flood.
Human palaeontological evidence exists even in the earliest geologic 'ages' (eg human footprints in Cambrian, Carboniferous, and Cretaceous rocks). If the layers of rock were laid down by a global flood and then interpreted as evolutionary long-ages, human remains and artefacts would appear to be in such positions.
The most ancient human artefacts date to the post-flood era. This indicates that the earlier hardware could have been buried beyond reach by a huge flood.
Calculations have shown that there is nearly the same amount of organic material present today, worldwide, as there would have been if all the fossils were still alive (Morris p:685). This indicates the demise of all living things in a single global event.
Palaeontological evidence indicates that the early earth had a warm/humid climate. This is consistent with the destruction of the old atmosphere by the processes of a global flood as described in Genesis.
The glacial period started very quickly. This would require a cataclysmic event such as a global flood to trigger such a rapid climatic change.
Similar geologic formations exist in rocks of all ages (eg rifts, folds, faults, thrusts, etc.). These can just as easily be explained as being created in the same cataclysmic global event.
Studies show that much of the world's folded beds of sediment have no compression fractures, indicating that they were contorted while they were still wet and soft. For this to occur on a global scale, and on sediment thousands of metres thick, it would have required a catastrophic global flood.
Rocks of different geologic 'ages' have similar physical features indicating that they could have been created by a single worldwide event - such as a global flood.
There is an absence of physical evidence that indicates a time change between rocks of 'successive ages'. Sedimentary rock layers worldwide appear to have been laid down very quickly, as by a global flood.
Globally, there is an almost complete absence of any evidence of animal and plant root activity within the tiny layers of sediment. Slowly deposited layers should show this activity, flood deposits wouldn't.
All types of rocks (eg limestone, shale, granite, etc) occur in all geologic 'ages'. This indicates a common formation on a global scale - the situation that would have been created by the mixing of sediment in a global flood.
Many geological processes have a recent geological date. If the long-age evolutionary time scale is ignored, these processes would have occurred in the very recent past - ie. as a result of the flood cataclysm.
Recent volcanic rocks are distributed widely. (see last point above)
The uplift of the major mountain ranges are relatively young, based on evolutionary chronology. If the long-age evolutionary time scale is ignored, these processes would have occurred in the very recent past - ie as a result of the flood cataclysm.
There is a lack of correlation between radiometric 'ages' and assumed palaeontological 'ages' (Morris p:686). A global flood could easily create an illusion of geologic 'ages'. The consequent conflict between dating methods confirms the illusion.
Fossil 'graveyards' are found worldwide, and in rocks of all 'ages'. Only a catastrophic global flood could achieve this.
The burial of fossil deposits worldwide had to have occurred in a catastrophic event. Only massive flooding could bury in such a fashion.
Marine fossils can be found on the crests of mountains. Apart from mountain uplifting, this can also be explained as the marine animals being washed there and then buried. A global flood could do this.
There is a worldwide distribution of most of the fossil types, indicating transportation on a global scale by a global flood.
Fossils from different 'ages' are often found mixed. This indicates a huge mixing of animal bones that is not consistent with a local flood.
Worldwide, fossils from different 'ages' are often found in the wrong order. This indicates a global mixing of fossils as a consequence of a global flood.
Supposed evolutionary fossil sequences often parallel the ecological zonation that occurs today (Morris p:686). If a global flood mixed organisms from different areas, it would create the illusion of a fossil sequence over time.
Dinosaurs and many other prehistoric creatures died out suddenly. A catastrophe such as a global flood could have produced this result.
Polystrate fossils (viz. vertical fossil tree trunks) that are found worldwide indicate turbulent or rapid deposition. A global flood would be required to do this worldwide.
Polystrate fossils also form when water-logged timber sinks in a large body of water. A year long global flood could produce worldwide polystrate fossils formed in this way.
Animal tracks and other ephemeral markings (ripple-marks and raindrop imprints) have been preserved throughout the geological column. Rapid covering of these markings is required for this preservation worldwide - ie. by a global flood.
Meteorites are basically absent from the geologic column. With the large number of meteorites hitting the earth each year, they should be very plentiful throughout the sedimentary rocks - unless much of the world's sedimentary rocks were laid down in one year.
Sedimentary rocks contain fossil ripple-marks and raindrop imprints, but no hail imprints. A global flood (with associated rain), that was not caused by storms would not leave hail imprint marks.
Some desert areas show evidence of 'recent' water bodies. Water from a recent global flood would remain in large pools (bodies of water) for some time before evaporating.
There is evidence of a recent drastic rise in sea level. A global flood could easily have created this feature.
Raised shorelines are found worldwide indicating a time when the world had a different sea level. A consistent interpretation of this is that a global flood altered the levels of the oceans and seas.
Mountain-high water level marks found throughout the world are consistent with the recession of a global flood.
River terraces are found worldwide. (Morris p:685)
There is a universal occurrence of rivers in valleys too large for the present stream. Slow erosion over millions of years could not have created these valleys as the mountains would have eroded, keeping pace with the valley erosion. The drainage of global floodwaters from the land surface could easily create such wide valleys in a short period of time.
Only modern sediments show any evidence of surface drainage systems. If the majority of the world's sedimentary rocks were laid down by a global flood there would not be any sign of drainage erosion except for the top layers eroded during the recession of the flood waters off the land.
Hydrologic evidence points to the rapid deposition of sedimentary rock layers. Therefore, the thousand's of metres of sediment must have been deposited by a catastrophic global flood.
Hydrologic evidence points to the world's sedimentary rocks being deposited in one continuous episode. All the layers could have been laid down by a single event, such as a global flood.
Hydrologic experiments show that flowing sediment automatically settles out in distinct layers. Therefore, sedimentary rock layers can be just as easily explained as flood debris, as slow deposition.
There is a worldwide occurrence of deep alluvial deposits and sedimentary rocks consistent with a huge global flood.
There is a near-random deposition of formational sequences. (Morris p:685)
Nowhere in the world is it possible to see the complete geologic column as a single structure. It is always found in bits and pieces, and mostly with pieces missing. Globally, a worldwide flood could create the illusion of a geologic column.
The oldest organisms still alive on Earth today, the Californian Redwoods, Sequoias and Bristlecone Pines, are around 3,000-4,000 years old. Nothing is older than the date of Noah's flood.
nodoubt257 you started off so strong, i was so proud of you. But then you started to say stuff the earth being 5,000 years old...
nodoubt257 No plagiarizing. Please cite your sources. unmaskingevolution.com/18-flood.htm
My favorite part of the movie was when Noah disguised the ark as a merchant ship to lure an enemy vessel in close enough to board and capture.
And here I thought it was a remake of Evan Almighty.
Everyone knows that the original story of Noah's ark was an allegorical reverse parody of the James Cameron Titanic movie, which is itself a socio-marine pastiche of the Jaws franchise
that is hollywood for you all just remakes and reboots
Does this movie have sharks in it? I only watch movies with sharks in them. Although I did notice some sheep, so maybe it's not a total loss.
There are sharks, hinted in the movie, but they all drown before reaching the ark.
Dude, this is the movie for you. There are not just one, but TWO sharks.
I heard he had sharks on the boat but he had to sneak em on because of their reputation. He had them dress like sheep and stand in one of the stalls on a pair of saw hoarses. Where they get that old expression a shark in sheep's clothing. But he had to throw them overboard because too many species became extinct every night, and the sheep skin covered sharks had big bloated bellies in the morning. Turns out that they had big bellies because the elephant was fucking them. The woman shark was preggers and the male was pumped full of elephant splooge. The elephant incidentally was also responsible for stomping the missing animals flat. He did it because he was into that Japanese crushing fetish and it's how he got himself started before shark fucking each night. The bible is one sick twisted fucked up book.
Who would have guessed that a story about a great flood could have religious undertones? Thanks Onion.
well, to be fair this story appears to predate Gilgamesh, so its probably one of the oldest know stories in history, which makes the fact that its almost solely associated with Judaism and Christianity quite amusing honestly
vikingdrizzit Muslims firmly believe in the flood though. Most of the people who believes in the flood are muslims actually since, these days, most christians have accepted science and realized that everything we know contradicts such an event ever taking place.
I thought it was a representation of the journey of a Jedi.
Please don't give George Lucas any more ideas, or we'll end up with another Jar-Jar.
Ever heard of... Darth Plageous the Wise?
"Occasional" Biblical undertones :)
*woosh*
These just keep getting better. Please don't ever stop making these reviews.
Trying to make a funny point, ends up making an unintentionally profound one.
Noah's story takes place and was written before Jesus so if the profound point is Noah is an allegory for Jesus then you have it backwards
@@thatguy6919 tries to make a profound point, ends up making a funny one
Humor is intentionally profound
My problem with Noah is he has Noahttention span.
'These people are not obeying me, so I'll wipe 'em the fuck out'. Should go down well in American cinemas.
Oh, man! You'd be surprised.
Amazing.
You got it!
That's the perfect description of me when playing Simcity.
trev moffatt Ummm no.... "These people are killing a raping each other with reckless abandon" So I'll wipe them all out. When the Nazi Regime exterminates millions of people.... AMERICA TO THE RESCUE. When All of humanity is sacrificing babies and raping people religiously and God wipes them out? "God is an obnoxious brat". Double standard much? Murder is when a human kills a human. Not when a creator of humans deletes his creation.
Didn't Noah realize that every growing boy would need a pet griffin until transformers are invented!?
There must've been some crazy incest going on with Noahs family being the only ones that survive lol
>That moment when one person doesn't realize that Noah took his family AND THEIR FAMILIES, therefore making it possible to have descendants not conceived through direct incest. At worst they'd be cousins but still, not like that automatically means they had any physical/mental deformities that would lead to someone having to point out that "some crazy incest [was] going on".
BI0QUAKE That moment when you realize that most scholars agree that Noah's son Ham actually raped his father...
They didn't have to resort to incest. They had all those animals, remember? ;-)
DexFlames The Bible is like a day time television drama, but interesting. Except for that episode in season one called Numbers. Was that dull or what?
BI0QUAKE He stole other people's families? What a weird pirate.
If the scriptwriter had known enough about the Koran to write that treatment instead - this would be legendary.
SPOILER ALERT
MC dies?
Everyone fucks in the end "Sausage Party" style.
The sequel is ultra depressing "Requiem for a Dream"-type story about all the horrible genetic mutants trying to survive, because having only a pair of every single animal on the Ark created 100% inbred animal and human population.
I think it is more of an allegory of Elrond Hubbards path from discovering the gospel of Xenu (Gods message) to his saving the innocent and assembling of the heroic Sea Org (Gathering the Animals and Building the Ark) to his ascendance as a star-child (ship) (The ark in the flood) on that warm summers evening of january 24th, 1996.
But that's just my subjective authority.
Elrond?
"Elrond" Hubbards.
I lol'd.
Insta Goat *1986, dummy.
When he mentioned the great flood I thought he was going talk about how Noah may be an allegory for the story of Noah.
Hmm... I thought there was a stronger link between Noah and Frodo. Except with water, instead of fire.
Frodo: Goes up a mountain to destroy a ring.
Noah: Comes down a mountain to destroy some rings.
New drinking game, binge watch all Rosenthal reviews and take a drink every time he says the word 'titular'.
This was such a delightful review 😂😊
A few references to old testament ahhhhh I'm dying lmao
Wow, and I thought "Noah" was about Muhammad's migration to Medina. Thanks Peter Rosenthal!
0:58
Notice someone picking a fruit out of a tree. I think that might be reference to the story of Adam and Eve.
Another film adaptation of a great work of fiction.
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH! YOU'RE SO CLEVER AND ORIGINAL #SARCASM
I rather worship Science, and i mean not going to school to learn an actual skill or anything. Nope just worship it. Because thats better than hooky religions anyday amirite
An interesting take, but he forgets to explore why the Christ-figure in this film is given the name “Noah”. A quick Google search reveals that Noah is actually Hebrew in origin, a connection that is left unexamined here.
What are you talking about, this movie is clearly a symbol homage to the Epic of Gilgamesh.
How did he save the whales, dolphins, fish and other sea life from the flood? There were no aquariums or even fish tanks in those days.
You have to wonder...
Wow, 45 views and no arguments about religion yet? Good job guys.
I thought he'd have a moment of realization at the FLOOD of people part, followed by him trying to move on as planned, visibly uncomfortable, but Onion is nothing if not original!
The amount of fedoras being tipped in this comment section is enough to cause earthquakes.
M'lady
Are you implying I'm from Brooklyn? Because I don't appreciate that at all
It's a shame that Noah's ark wasn't spacious enough to fit two dinosaurs of any type.
or unicorns & the pegasus, those magical creatures thought they could defy god.
Its because all those creatures had cloven hooves duhhh
Seriously, what are Noah and family supposed to saddle up and ride when the ark lands? Horses? I think not.
@@roninreturns well, Noah's daughters liked riding Noah, apparently.
And then god said repopulate the earth
Noah:how
God:incest
Noah:but that would lead to genetic deseses
God:no it won’t
Noah:how
God:Maaaaaaaaaagic
Why does Noah have a British accent? Crowe is even a NZ'er.
Plot twist: there were no religious undertones.
Classic. Please never stop.
I can always count on "The Onion" being "The Onion" to brighten my day.
Not anymore
I feel dumb for not seeing the biblical symbolism.
Of course Noah is supposed to represent Jesus it makes so much sense now.
Peter Rosenthal, you're a saint among men.
Hmm the visuals were ok, the plot just seemed a little too far fetched and unrealistic to me though.
Strange that the animals haven't attacked each other and this 'God' fella? Comon, it's just Superman 2.0 so no way to stop him (wait, or is having nobody worshipping him his weakness, that's why forcing people to do that or die), I don't know, get your act together Hollywood!
Dyskit Does the movie go into how the family got rid of all the poop ? Or how they stopped the predators from eating two of every kind of non-predator ? Perhaps they were all too busy trying not to poop for 40 days and nights that they didn't consider eating each other ? :)
I literally LOLed when he said that God is meant to symbolize Pontius Pilate.
Nothing will top the electric turtle
this was pretty genius
this one really impressed me, it really did.
my favourite aspect of the onion - Peter K. Rosenthal
Story of Noah should be renamed "God: Literally Worse than Hitler"
Damn.
Can the clay tell the potter what to do?
nodoubt257 Are you suggesting that you wish to be treated as a non-conscious entity?
Do you support genocide?.
OriginLinear If I reject God, who made me, and showed utter disregard for His deity and dared to demand God follow my version of righteousness and truth, I would expect Him to destroy me. But I already realize I am a sinner and can not live to God's holy standards. On my own, I do not deserve to have eternal life. I have it through Jesus Christ, who died for all Mankind. He is the righteousness of God.
spoiler alert: the dragons and unicorns didnt make it.
Peter Rosenthal is truly the Roger Ebert of our modern age. I could never have drawn the parallel between the flood and what Jesus Christ taught about salvation.
Perhaps the only movie where the book wasn't better.
witty
Sides The Shining, and Psycho.
Hmmm.... how about "The da Vinci Code"? I've never seen the film, but the book was so awful it's difficult to believe that anything in any media could possibly be worse!
Twilight and 50 shades of grey.
You didnt read the book
surprised you didnt mention the part where noah blows on the kids face its was literally die in your seat from laughter hilarious
Noah was a founding member of the Jedi Council! May the force be with him!
I thought the story of Noah was a blatant rip off of Robocop.
Hm - I never thought of it as a religious allegory - that's an interesting take.
Whoa! I never thought about any of this symbolism! Bravo for opening my eyes, Onion!
Meh, Noah's story really is considered as foreshadowing of the Gospel by Christians so this joke is lost on me.
I think they stumbled onto some truth by accident. even a broken clock..
Breton Lynn Amen!
Breton Lynn
it's not an accident.
Once again, the Onion proves that videos made by the Onion are a lot funnier than the attempted humor in the comments section.
The movie sure leave much for interpretation and I can definitely see the parallels to even Old Testament stories even if they aren't all that obvious to the casual movie goer.
I also see references to Islam when for example Noah in his ark rides on top of the waves far above the flooded land to his holy destination that was Ararat. To the perceptive viewer this is a clear tribute to prophet Muhammad when he rode high above the land on his winged horse to the holy cities of Mecca and Jerusalem. These Islamic undertones must be why so many fundamentalist Christians have hated the movie despite its references to the New Testament and Jesus Christ.
The movie was directed by an atheist.
God is an atheist
Does the Onion's writers actually know about Christian typology or was this just a happy accident?
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Typology_(theology)
How would I have picked up on these subtle biblical allusions if not for the glorious Peter Rosenthal Blessed be his name
I was impressed with this review.
I was to and had my guard up and was like. say what??? he is telling the truth. What is making him tell the truth. I mean, I'm glad he is, but lol what?
Jondi Dongola
Wow, the joke flew right over your Christian head, huh? Some of us don't consider the "Old Testament" to be the prologue whose every detail is anticipating Jesus.
Jondi Dongola
The joke is that seeing Jesus allegories in movies is common, but the reviewer misses that this is literally a story from the Bible, just a different one.
Mere C Repent sinner, Jeebus is lord.
I agree that this is a good movie, but I believe you are looking at it too hard. I think it has nothing to do with religion and biblical undertones. It is simply the story of a man named Noah who is building an arc.
I want to be able to enjoy this movie as I would any other fantasy movie, but I can't. So many people believe that it's not fantasy that it taints it.
Wow, i'm the 6th viewer. This fulfills all that has been missing from my life.
Hope you're doing alright, Steve
Wait what?
Why didn't he save the Unicorns and Fairies?? Or the majestic as fuck Pheonix? Wtf Noah. Thanks a lot.
Keep producing these reviews, PLEASE!
Laughed my spiritual tits off at "occasional biblical undertones".
Oohhhhhhhh. That's why he has a beard ... I'm such an idiot, because I thought that was a reference to Jor-El in the movie "Man of Steel", which of course has no references to Jesus whatsoever, hence my confusion. I mean why make any reference to that film if you're talking religious allegory? Duh! Now it all makes sense because I had thought that by making that reference to a pure action movie, they were trying to implicitly position this film as the prequel to the hit action disaster movie "2012", (2012).
This is like CLASH OF THE TITANS.... Perseus save the Argos from the destructive Kraken when people stop praying to Gods/Goddesses of Olympus.
The comments prove this video hit the nail.
Noah fightin' around the world with TUGGA!
One pair of every onion... from the floods. Thank you very much.
Oh my god, how do you guys come up with this? Brilliant, brilliant work.
I love these reviews so much.
The flood stuff was an obvious reference to Jesus walking on water in a lake. But how can you match that?
This is hilarious. “Symbolically dense”.
when Jesus was being nailed to the cross, the gospels say he cried out, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." i find that beautiful, and applicable here.
Well yes, I guess that's fine if you want a surface reading of the film, but if you actually looked a little harder you'd see the obvious thematic parallels to Odin's creation of the world from the bones of the frost giant Ymir.
So was not what I was expecting with this review lol
wow i didn't realize how deep and spiritual this movie was.
Truly well done Peter, Well done Peter, Peter, you did good : )
It is true that the Genesis flood account shares many striking similarities with the Babylonian Gilgamesh epic, and with the Babylonian Atrahasis epic, for that matter. In fact, literally hundreds of flood traditions have been preserved all over the world, with traditions abounding in Europe, Asia, Africa, and Australia, as well as both of the Americas, and the Genesis account shares similarities with most of them. Of the flood traditions which have survived to the present time, about 95% describe a global cataclysmic deluge, 88% tell of a favored family of humans saved from drowning to reestablish the human race after the deluge, 66% say the family was forewarned of the coming cataclysm, 66% blame the wickedness of man for the deluge, and 70% record a boat as being the means by which the chosen family (and animals) survived the flood. More than one third of these traditions mention birds being sent out from the boat.
Since every culture has descended directly from the flood’s survivors, it is logical that stories of this traumatic event are both abundant and universal, having been passed down from generation to generation. This is certainly the case. Many of these traditions are remarkably consistent, considering the relative isolation of the cultures, the length of time that has elapsed since the flood, and the human tendency to embellish, exaggerate, and distort stories over time. The Babylonian and biblical accounts of the flood appear to represent different retellings of an essentially identical flood tradition.
Skeptics want to imagine that there was, in fact, no flood and that the Bible’s flood account was borrowed from a Babylonian myth. The evidence seems to suggest otherwise: there was, in fact, a catastrophic worldwide deluge, and the veracity of the biblical account is attested to by numerous other similar ancient accounts. In addition to abundant historical evidence, there is a wealth of physical proof in favor of the flood’s historicity. The flood of Noah’s day was most certainly a real historical event, and the biblical account of what happened is trustworthy.
Read more:www.gotquestions.org/Flood-accounts.html#ixzz2xNBXKuOf
In the same line of armchair logic, you could conclude that dragons and phoenixes existed, as they are even more abundant in our ancient history, even in seemingly independent civilizations. The problem with that, however, is that you assume too much based on your flawed common sense, and take these stories for granted. Not only do you not have the empirical evidence to back up your claims, you don't even have the theoretical basis for this, because you assume that all of these flood myths reference one single event.
In fact, floods weren't anything unknown to man in the early centuries of the agricultural revolution, because most settlements were near water. As bodies of water go, they sometimes overflow and threaten the settlement. This is a much more simple explanation than grouping myths that differ on many substantial points (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_flood_myths) to make up some biased claim on world geology.
Your arguments are of similar variety and just as weak as those of the ancient aliens proponents.
Allow me to sum up your argument in one sentence.
"Shut up you guys it's true, it says it in the bible!"
LOUD NOISES! *Trololololol*
It's amazing how the story of a bit of a flood on farmland can be exaggerated so much over time.
kev3d
Nice theory. I'm just glad religious nuts are constantly being shown for the true bigoted idiots they are. They are dicks to people who do not think the same as they do. To ~Hell~ with them ;)
So they are saving the innocent animals. Well, to of each kind. The rest can go ahead and drown.
As for Peter, he is one devoted bisexual polyamorous Christian.
What the flying fuck? I can't believe Onion is who broke the news to me that Noah's made by Aronofsky... I usually go watch anything he makes but I draw the line here.
I'm not planning on watching the movie. I didn't like the book much.
If I call it something cool like "meta," does it become funny? "This is like, so meta, bro! They're breaking down the fourth wall and taking it to the next level! Way to think outside the box and push the envelope!" Maybe I'm just cynical.
It wasn't even meta. The joke is the reviewer seeing it as a reference to everything biblical except the story of noah.
butterflycaught900 Why the hell is everyone saying "meta"? IS THIS SOME LATIN TERM OR SOMETHING?
John Tomerini MAYBE
John Tomerini I dunno, I always thought it was a prefix.
This is a very interesting take on the film. I never thought of it as having an underlying, Biblical theme before.
The book was clearly written with the film adaptation in mind. Some of the subject matter might well gather a modest cult following though. As Linnaeus used to hum to himself:
ua-cam.com/video/PJjelCREtvA/v-deo.html
"All the fauna with two horns, he forgot the Unicorns
Only two of every kind, every kind that we could find"
CAN'T TELL WHETHER THE ONION IS TRYING TO BE REAL AND SERIOUS FOR ONCE.
Me- its Noah and the ark
English teachers-
this review is timeless
Don't forget weatherproof.
Really amazing review. I've never seen more convincing sarcasm. This is going to fly over a lot of peoples heads.