My Mom worked til she was 90, not because she had to, because she wanted to. She felt it was good for herself mentally to be out where she could be around other people. It kept her young-minded. (This was after Dad's passing.) I should also say that she was one of those WWII ladies...and they were tough. I'm proud of her and the example she set.
i built my mother a house 20 years ago to keep her out of mine, paid it off in 13 years, it's been worth every penny, she still lives alone at 90 and pays her own expenses rent free.
What a wonderful person ! Your Mother must be very thankful that she raised such a generous son/daughter. The fact that she can live independently into her 90s proves this.
And you’re blessed to have a mother who respected you enough to pay her own expenses instead of guilting you into doing it on top of giving her free shelter.
Why was there even an offer in the first place? He said he told her first. She has a job and SS and hadn't asked him for money. He just started trying to give her money and tell her where to live. Not his responsibility.
I’m 50 and had to cut my mom off this year! It was tough but I am absolutely done- the longer you enable them they’ll never learn, I’ve got a son to raise and support and I’m single!! Good grief
That was me with my mom. It started at 13 and went on until I was in my late 40’s. Mom had the spirit of laziness and always she deserved everyone to feel sorry for her and “help” her. Different tune same story . Finally I surrendered and said “NO”. She never asked after that.
Exact same thing with me and my mother. Narcissistic personality disorder. I put up with it for two decades before finally realizing I had no other option but going no contact. Choose guilt over resentment every time. Last I knew she declared bankruptcy for the third time with almost 100 creditors.
I needed to hear this call. I love the statement, “choose guilt over resentment, every time”. Thank you for that advice. I bought my mom a condo, outright, and I have been paying 3/4 of her expenses. I am finally to the point that I am working with her on managing her own money and paying all her own expenses. The guilt from this choice is killing me, but the resentment I was building up was worse.
When you feel guilty just turn the situation around and ask yourself if YOU would bleed your mother dry like she is using you? I hate to say it but if she actually CARED about you, she would not be using you like this. Let that sink in. I had TWO parents like this. I finally went NO CONTACT on both as it was seriously affecting my health. Best thing I ever did.
It's not about his income, it's about his mother being irresponsible and feeling entitled to her son's money. Dave is right here 100% .. put her on a budget and cut her off. Stop the enabling.
It has a lot to do with his income because, if her son didn't have a lot of money, he wouldn't be able to give her large sums of money every time she asks for it. Her actions are not a sense of irresponsibility, it's a feeling that she thinks he owes her something and taking advantage of him.
If I made 750,000 i would give my mother what she needed, and no more. I feel like Dave, he can afford it, but come to a AMOUNT, and that's it. I wonder how much money she has given to him over his life, did she pay for his College, did she ever help him out of situations, a lot of this is not so cut and dry.
@@25d913 agreed. He is a horrible son. Makes $750k and watches his 73yr old mom work full time and struggle to make ends meet.... she's poor, not a meth addict ffs. that will be his biggest route to hell on judgement day
@@scotland369 and the biggest regret when she is gone. Hell, I think i would buy my mom a house and be done with it. Also give her enough a set amount so she can retire.
@@scotland369 No, he's not a horrible son at all because he's given her money, to help support her numerous times. Maybe the reason why she's still working at 73 years old is because she wants to. There are many senior citizens that are retired, who're working part time in their 60s and 70s doing light duty jobs, if they don't have anything else to do at home to keeps them active. The older employees are more dependable at their workplace than the young people because of their long, good work ethic.
Even if someone is making a very large income, nobody wants to feel that a loved one is taking advantage of them. And sometimes, you just need to say "no".
I feel like this episode was for me. I feel so bad I just keep doing it. But the addiction analogy hit hard. And totally makes sense. My mother can’t afford to buy a broom a few days after she is paid. And I recently said no I was not going to buy it and she was just floored and mad at me. Yet I paid for her dinner out and movies etc in the same evening and never a thank you. But I guess I enabled her to this point.
Trust me you're not alone! Hearing stories like the caller and yours helps me know that others go through the same thing I have with my own mom. I'm done at this point but I struggle with guilt still.
I like that he said know where you stand in a relationship. This helps to know how far to go in giving. Unreasonable parents, abusive or toxic parents will not change because they have needs and we give. Support must always be sustainable for the giver. Even if its 100.00 or 1000.00. Complete relief from suffering is very expensive and a lot of cooperation and respect and willingness to help themselves has to be there for the parent. How often does that happen with ego, superiority complexes, and attitudes of you owe me in the way? So. No guilt. I used to give and regret my gift because it went to lies and excuses were made. 400 for hoa and it went to the hair salon. Im more worried about her losing her house than she was. But the lie was still told. I understood over time that I was dealing with a lot in my parents disorders and their issues are not to be given to as they request. The giving never actually helps past food. They play games. With everybody.
My friends are dealing with this type of thing, but it is their brother. He does have health issues (some due to his own bad choices), but gets disability and has VA benefits thank goodness. Their Mother paid for everything for him and when she was close to passing made them promise to take help him. Luckily they do o.k. financially, but both are paying at least 1K each for the brother every month and one of them is paying for college for their kids at the same time. They own where he lives and pay for incidentals like food because he always runs out of money within a few days of receiving it. When the family goes on trips or out to dinner they pay for everything for him because they don't want him to feel bad. He is always squawking about needing more money. He is so ungrateful. It makes me ill.
This is good advice, but it's way, way easier said than done. Watching your homeless mother walk off your porch or watching your kid walk away because of righteous boundaries creates a lot of tears. If you have to do this, get ready to carry a heavy load. Its not easy.
If I was making near a million and my parents/inlaws were guilting me into handing over money "because you can easily afford it," and it became time to cut off the parents so I could live my own life, I would negotiate a modest monthly allowance. I would not be buying a rental for said parents, I would buy them a home that they could afford--if they do not want to live in that home, it is on them if they walk. I would stop listening to "You need to give me..." and remember that "No" can be a complete sentence, and that mom learning to live within her means and manage her money will bring her more dignity than me constantly catering to her manufactured money needs. All of that noted, this is a terrible situation that I would not want to see anyone get themselves into with their parents, regardless of income or ability to afford it. 😕
Personally cause shes so old id just take care of her. Idc what shes done i wouldnt leave my mum homeless lol. And she works at 73 thats sad as it is regardless of the fact its her fault. Thankfully in the uk we get pensions lol
Jeannette Walls is an amazing person. The Glass Castle is a fabulous read; I had no idea that a homeless person would choose that life, but her parents did, several times. Dave, you're awesome. Thanks so much!
At first I was kind of against this guy with his salary and how old his mother is. However when he said he offered her to buy her apartment outright and she would just pay him monthly what she can afford. Then she refused that arrangement?! That’s some nerve on her part. Shows her character
@@cedrimar he told her he would take whatever she can afford and willing to work something out. It’s not a stringent monthly rent requirement. He was trying to help her out. He wanted to buy her apartment outright!! That in itself a a good son gesture of good will. I understand she 73 but come on. My grandmother was 92 years old before she just passed and paying property taxes and utilities and lived alone
@@cedrimarand she denied his request not because of rent. It was just because she didn’t like the place he wanted to purchase. She wanted different place. Entitlement!
If you want to keep relatives and "uncles from nowhere whom you didn't even know existed" from showing up at your front door with their hands out, live your life as though you look like you don't have any money to spare ... otherwise known as 'stealth wealth'. It's better to look poor and be rich than it is to look rich and be poor.
The real issue here is that his mother is continually asking him for money because she knows he's got it, not necessarily she needs it. She's taking him for granted because, she knows he's kindhearted, generous and he's going to give it to her. Besides, if she's still working full time and collecting her Social Security, she should some money of her own because, he's been paying everything else for her. If her son wasn't wealthy, his mother wouldn't ask him for money like that all the time. It has become a habit to her. You'll be surprised at how people will ask to borrow money and will have money of their own. That's called using someone! You can only use and take advantage of a person for so long, and soon it will all come to an end, whether if they're family or not. His mother isn't irresponsible, she just deliberately playing and spending her son's money because it's there. She's thinking, why should she support herself financially, when he's got millions.
This reminded me of my own late mother. She was a financial disaster and was always looking to others for help. She was a hard worker when she could work, but unfortunately she didn't have any kind of retirement at all. Family stuff is the worst :(
This is most definitely a situational thing, but I could never imagine turning my back on my parents no matter the situation. Then again, my Mother has never asked for a single penny but has given her last penny for the success of her children.
Exactly. Your mom would never put you in that spot - she’s a giver. This caller’s mom is a taker (she was going to be bought a house!!! She said she ‘no’ and instead assumed her son would pay for the movers, damage deposit etc)
It's different when your mom is CONSTANTLY asking. They guilt trip you and expect you to do it because they raised you, as if it wasn't theirs responsibility to do so. Be grateful you have self sufficient parents.
It’s easy to imagine. Imagine your mom asks for money for food because she can’t afford to eat. So you give her money for a months worth of food. Then she calls two weeks later and she says she’s out of money and can’t eat and needs more cash. Then when you get to her place, you notice she just got her hair and nails done. This is how it plays out
It’s not up to the children to take care of the mother. She should have been planning her entire life for her older years. I would never in 1 million years put that burden on either one of my children.
Remember, our parents took care and provided for us when we were babies, and during our adolescence years when we couldn't take care of ourselves. If it wasn't for our parents, we wouldn't be here! As our parents gets older, they're going to need their children to help take care of them, when they get sick or disabled, the way they took care of us when we weren't able to. But as far as supporting them financially, they should already have a savings to live on, and not depending on their children, which is a different situation.
@@slimdude2011 Right, but did they also take care of their parents' financial needs while they were raising you? In my case (and probably a lot of other people) no, of course they didn't have to funds to support their families while simultaneously suporting their parents (my grandparents). I hope I have the funds to help them out sometimes eventually, but I wont be draining my children's college funds or our home equity to do it. And if i did my dad would have some choice words for me.
@@Don-Swanson Did my parents took care of my grandparents, when they were in need? Probably. Who wouldn't? I never knew my grandfather because he passed away when I very young.
@@slimdude2011it was your parents decision to have kids. Once kids are old enough we leave. Its NOT our responsibility to care for our parents. Its their responsibility to ensure legally we make it to 18 years. After that both parties are on their own.
73 and working full time!!! my mind is blown. The fact that she’s still working and is in this situation is frightening, she just expects her son to look after her and she’s going to totally guilt trip him.
First check with her social security, If she was married to either her 1st or 2nd husband longer than 10 years, & they have passed & she can have 1/2 their SS payments if it equates to more than her monthly check. 2) buying a condo/apt investment property is a great idea for Florida. Not in her name of course. Charge her $500 a month rent & you pay the HOA & utilities directly with that. If she balks, tell her this is how it is, buy it anyways, she will eventually move in there because you are cutting off the other funds.
I'm so glad they discussed boundaries. I have a few sisters who are acting very badly around inheritance and the estate. They of course don't think so, they have rationalized it. They have an absolute right for their thinking. But it's harmed me pretty good, despite having it in writing and getting a clarification. Yes, they're dysfunctional, yes their always reactive. Boundary, prayer and time away and not engaging with their reactivity (when I set a boundary or just state, ouch, lol). Otherwise, I get reactive and infected.
Addicts will misuse anyone that helps them, addicts are absolutely without conscience when it comes to meeting their own needs, (yours do not matter.) Simple. edit to add: addicted to spending irresponsibly is an addiction.
I completely agree with you! You help them out then they get mad when you can’t give anymore. No one is entitled to what you have spent your whole life working for.
I am glad for this conversation because I always felt like I was morally obligated to help out my family members. They have borrowed money from me and not paid me back. I needed to hear this.
This is me with my mom. Started at 18 years old. Finally got tired of being her ATM. I love my mom but I can't fix her problems, it's only bitterness that follows.
Same with my husband. He started supporting his mom and his little half sister (2) when he was 19. We finally managed to cut the bleeding off when my husband was 56. She was horrible with money and never worked. She just wanted to sponge off us it almost destroyed my marriage.
My mother has been mooched off me in high school and then it spread to one of my other sisters. We cut her off completely and moved out. We were tired of a lazy narcissist trying to tell us our job was to take care of her when she barely took care of us as kids
My MiL was like this. It started when my poor husband was only 17. His mom hooked up with a guy and got pregnant on purpose and had his half sister when he was in his senior year of HS. His parents were separated and when his dad found out he filed for divorce. She spent the next 18 years using his sister as an excuse for asking for money every month. She refused to get a job and depending on family and random guys for everything. It almost destroyed our marriage. I was foolish and did not set boundaries when we got married. I never even considered this would be the situation I inherited. I finally managed to extricate us from her parasitic grasp when hubby wanted to retire soon. I told him we couldn’t until his mom was dead because we had no clue what she would ask for next month. Four years ago when hubby was 55, he put his foot down and said enough. My sister needs to take a turn now. MiL is 80 and still running around full steam. She will probably live for 15 more years. This has to get nipped now before this man’s wife leaves him
I have a mom who constantly asked and begged for money. She used to make me feel guilty by turning on the water works and she was the best of the best for selling guilt trips. She even asked for the money she gifted me and my wife on our wedding day where she showed up an hour late. I finally just told her no and ignored her constant calls and text. It was hell at first because she started cursing me out saying how ungrateful I am. I have seen her in years but she occasionally texts me now and then. It's hard to say no at first, but once I planted my foot down firmly and ignore the constant barrage of texts and calls, she tired herself out and eventually came to the realization that I wasn't going to cough up any more money. I used to say no and feel guilty when she started crying and gave in. To this day, she is jumping from job to job and living paycheck to paycheck. I have no doubt that when she is unable to work, she will come begging me for money again or for a place to stay.
@@wonderfullymade425 she was never mean. Quite the opposite. She would spend hundreds of dollars on groceries (she let us pick out a bunch of junk food and snack) when she visited me and my bro every other week or so. That’s why I felt bad but it got old fast bc she kept coming for more.
This may be an unpopular opinion i guess. But if i made 750k per year my mom wouldn't have to pay for anything for the rest of her life. She worked hard to take care of me and if i have the means to, i will do the same for her without hesitation.
I gave my "family" time and money when I had little of either and it was never enough. Walked away, dropped all contact, two decades ago and my regret is not doing it sooner.
My husband's family is like this. And it's become generational. My hubby finally stood up to them 20 years ago and tried to tell them he wasn't going to buy into the guilt and manipulation anymore. He was then labeled the "bad son". He's mean, judgmental and doesn't value family. 😅 Has that stopped them from asking for money? Nope. 🙄
When the family asks for money, he should remind them that they told him he was the "bad son". He should tell them he's not going to tolerate them thinking of him that way and STILL expecting to be given money.
@@CarlaQuattlebaum I have never been able to reason with a habitually bad decision maker. Imagine trying to help push a car stuck in the snow while the driver keeps his foot on the brake the whole time and if you do manage to get the car out, they immediately drive into the next snowbank and say help me.
If he gives her $2000 a month she’s just going to spend it on other things then come crying back to him that she doesn’t have money to pay her bills. It’s like the only thing he can do is manage the entirety of her finances…but then that’s not his job. This is a tough situation to deal with. He can also just stop responding to her but he sounds like a good, intelligent and compassionate man, so that will be difficult for him.
@@karenmassey8354 I get what youre saying but the solution I just laid out is the compassionate one. Giving a spending addict money to spend every time they ask for it, is not compassionate, its damaging
Finding Dave Ramsey and my spiritual development has come hand in hand. Getting your finances straight is about being honest with yourself and alignment with your higher self. Bless you Dave
They never should have “counted on their children”, just as children should work hard and earn their own income, not live off their parents in perpetuity.
My son did what Dave just suggested. It took him YEARS to train me. I’m 83 now… bought a house in my name at 78 years old. Now he only must give me $250 each month to keep me afloat and I’m very happy with my convoluted belief that I’m living on my own. He helps me a lot he’s 60 miles away and he gives me that money, and he helps me and helps me with the woodstove and the gutter cleaning. You can do it. You’re the grownup now. Just keep hammering .
Had an uncle out of the blue ask me for 20k... My mom had told him how much money I had. He never talked to me before. Why? I'm behind on my truck. Sell it? I don't want to. He lost it. Getting a medical travel assignment near him. Ask him if I could stay there...I was gonna give him $1-1.5k a month for 3 days a week. He refused. Tells you everything you need to know. He could've helped his financial situation by mutually beneficial decision. He only wanted to take. Not give an ounce.
A lot of people didn't bother listening. There is a reason the guy was hesitant to help his mom. And he tried to buy her an apartment and she said no. Most of you missed it. I think telling her she has a monthly amount she can expect now as long as her bills are paid is smart. Or just paying g a portion of her bills to make sure they're paid.
@TheSoulCrisis my mom died in 2022. And his mom will be gone soon enough. It's like, when they're alive they annoy you. But once they're gone you miss them bad and would put up with their annoyances if you could have them back. Life's funny that way.
Family financial situations can be a nightmare. You have to set boundaries with dysfunctional family members or cut them out of your life completely. If you’ve given a family member upwards of $1k and you turn around and ask them for $40 and they refuse to help you. Walk away.
It's sad that we live in a world where people are no longer thankful when you help them because they expect it now. If you do not help them they get angry because they are expecting it instead of being grateful.
put your kids as your pension plan is absolutely ridiculous, i mean, your kids are meant to help you sometimes but also remember they have their own bills too.
i have a great mom that spent her last penny for our success today but i think am currently heading the wrong way financially and i don’t want to be burden to my kids, I'm more interested in investments that could set me up for retirement in my 60s, my goal is at least $750K.
very true, having a financial advisor has been the key to my financial success and i have made over $200k this year with her help. No child should let her mother go homeless because you can’t truly be happy knowing you could help you mother and you didn’t. Also at same time, no parents should put their children in a financial situation to that the consider abandoning you.
Reading the comments, i feel better knowing i am not alone. Yup, boundaries are important in this situation. Guard your hearts and don't get manipulated. Some parents can be very toxic. 😢 Hugs to everyone who is struggling in this matter. We love our parents and respect them, but they also need to understand that being parents come with responsibilities 😅.
I am my parent’s retirement plan and I feel like an ATM. I already got her a retirement home on mortgage but expects me to cover the bills, food and everything in between. I’m exhausted and bitter.
Take some steps & set some boundaries. It will take time because there is an established expectation. WE will look at your finances & set a budget, which will be adhered to. My future help will be determined by responsiblity on your part. If that is unacceptable, I am sure you can work things out all by yourself. And then stick to it. There will be whining, guilt trips & calls to relatives about how you are mean. Stick to it for her good & your future & sanity
why are you doing it then? are you the only child? they would be homeless, etc and you cant accept that? You cant pour from an empty cup. Dr. J didnt say it this episode but I will: Choose GUILT over RESENTMENT : )) Everything is hard until it is easy. You are choosing a version of hard that DOES NOT serve you. Best of luck!
If you find a moment of strength to set the boundaries you want, I would inform her of said boundaries, then make the arrangements, then perhaps don't talk to her for awhile. Maybe distance would let her calm down and get used to the new routine while giving you some peace for a time.
Here is one other thing I think may come into play concerning this man who called...he is obviously a vert successful business man...maybe he is concerned that his reputation would be hurt if he doesn't give mom money and she makes it public in some way that he is so well off but won't take care of her....I have dealt with this kind of public slandering via social media from my own family members who are financially irresponsible and frankly lazy and don't want to work. I have learned that you have to become ok with being the villian in someone else's story. It's not easy, but I have had to do it and then distance myself from that toxic environment. But the peace I have in my life is well worth it.
My mother is like this and she expects myself and my sister to take care of her. She’s also an alcoholic. My dad used to take great care of her, but he got fed up and left her. I found her a government subsidized apartment and told her not expect any financial help from me. She hasn’t asked me for anything since then,because she resents me because “I’m supposed to help her”.
This! My Dad is on his third wife, got a 350k inheritance from my grandfather nothing left and hasn't worked in 10 years. His wife is always threatening to kick him out. Makes passive aggressive comments about living in my basement. Clains to be s*$ addict and looks at porn all day. Told him there isn't a snowball chance in hell he can live with my hubby and two teen daughters! He was recently diagnosed with colon cancer and I know he is gonna be cancer ridden and on my doorstep with no place to live but I can't put my families safety before a man who had EVERY opportunity to be in a different situation. I will feel bad but not as terrible as it would feel to have to apologize to my daughters for being SA'd by their grandpa. I don't trust a self declared addict to control themselves.
Not a psychologist here, but I’m intrigued by the dynamic in the studio with Dave and John. John looks assertive, even in his posture. Dave looks comfortable and laid back. You can see the mutual respect they have for each other. Dave has years of experience built into his demeanor. He is clearly in charge, even with a slightly passive disposition.
Reminds me of the folk wisdom. In a conference room of 100. The 90 wearing blazers are middle management, 9 wearing polos are executives. The guy in coveralls is the owner
If my household is bringing in 750k I am telling mom she can come and live with us in the guest bedroom or guest house and she doesnt have to worry about any expenses for the rest of her life and she gets free room/board and she can use her social security for her wants. If she says no then I wish her good luck and tell her she is on her own. **EDITT** Since most people don't understand this, the reason behind it is to take money out of the equation. Yes, mom is not good with money, yes mom is coming to you for money for rent, bills, etc over the last few years. By moving her in you take away her reason for depending on or managing money. You liquidate everything she owns, pay off any debts she might have, put the rest in the bank for her and she has no reason to ask you for anything after that. Her rent, utilities, food are all taken care of and her social security is hers to use as she wants, there is no more need for her to ask for money because you remove that option.
With that money I'm designing and building a brand new house with an attached connecting unit. At that age I want my mom under my nose, no way I'm letting her live by herself
If you've got a mom who can't handle money and has no problem coming to you over and over again to make ends meet, do you really want her living in the same house as you and getting used to living your $750K per year lifestyle? The problem would only get 10 times worse.
This is a great segment, lately I have many friends and family members asking for a “spot” here and there, lately. And I think I will change my approach. I like the allegory to “what would you do if they were irresponsible with something else, like drugs… answer is you don’t give them more of it… “ you help/coach new behavior and draw some boundaries…
This was my life. I had a parent who took advantage of me financially from the time I started working at 15. This parent has died, and that relationship was never healed. Please don't do this to your kids.
Buy the mom a mobile home. You can find some at a reasonable price and rent depending where you live is much cheaper than renting an apartment. I live in one. It's my home. I love it and Im saving money for a bigger home.
I definitely do not know the history of this situation, but I make a FRACTION of what this guy does and totally take care of my mom and would not have it any other way. I think this is a cultural thing in this country. Asian, South American, and African cultures take care of their parents no matter what. It just seems right to me considering everything they have done for us. Again, I don't know this guy or his mom, but he definitely makes more than enough to at least get her a house and help her manage her budget.
My Dad and Mom were this way. My parents would tap all of us 4 kids. We finally at their age of 88 took the finances over so we no longer have to bail them out. They are not going to change who they are, but.. we can change how we react and deal with it. It caused LOTS of heartache and chaos in our family. Glad my sister now handles the finances. They make PLENTY. Just my dad was a "child" with money and leveraged his relationship to keep asking us. Now he has to live in boundaries and he hates it. But we tell him we gave you plenty of chances and you would not grow up, now we are done. Life is about choices. Sad this happens in other families. No is a complete sentence.
The kindest act you and your siblings could enact was to control their spending and expenses, forcing them to behave within their means! Doing what is best for them is where real love comes from, not keeping them in a dream world. 👏
@@TheSoulCrisis truth and well said. Hard to once again be the adult to your parents, but we have long track record with my Dad. It took his heart attack to make it all happen. Speaking with fact and giving him too many chances is what it took, sadly. It created bad blood with us 4 kids for far too long. I was the one who finally had enough of bailing him out when they bring in plenty. I owed them nothing as they NEVER helped me financially in my life. Just because there is a relationship does not mean entitlement to our money.
@@smorales1489 it took 3 years of us siblings not talking because of the enabling, 2 of us were done, 2 wanted to keep helping. Then Dad had a massive heart attack in Jan 2022 and that was our moment to take finances over. We just started talking again after all that dust settled. Sad. I hope for your future it does not happen. You have to state with fact you are done. It sucks, but it is enabling. Holding that boundary is so important.
He makes $750,000 a year? His mother is 73 and widowed and still works. They want to turn her out now after 7 years? She may be bad news, but she is still his mother who took care of him for 18 years. With that kind of money he can easily help her out or move her in with him.
I feel his pain. I worked hard to ensure that my mother could sustain herself, however, she stopped working at 59 years old before she could qualify for social security now she can't work and i have to be responsible for her. She was perfectly healthy when she stopped working
Hopefully, everyone who is listening is doing everything that they can to put themselves on the WEALTH side of their family, instead of the BEGGING side!
I learned a valuable lesson at 35, I'm going to say and do things that other people are not going to like, understand, or agree with and that's other peoples problem, not mine. After nearly 40 years I stopped trying to please and make everyone happy because its impossible. Takers hurt, use, walk all over others, say one thing and do another to nice, kind, gentle, givers. I was a major creative giver and nice guy for the longest time and now I'm not. I no longer believe in being the super nice guy that always takes the moral high ground because that gets you used, taken advantage of, screwed over, lied to, betrayed, and be non-stop hurt, used, stole from, and walked all over until you put boundaries down and once you do they'll turn on you and make you look like the villain to everyone they know. So, now I have strict boundaries and believe more in equalness and fairness equality, eye-for-an-eye, respect and true karma balance in the universe. So, you get what you deserve, cause and effect true justice balance. And with that a lot of people like to tell me "Hey Chris, have you ever heard the old saying two wrongs don't make a right?" and I respond with "Yes, I have heard that and you are correct, two wrongs don't make a right if you want to choose the moral high ground path. However, that is only one side of a two sided coin! On the other side is, two wrongs do make a right because they balance the scales of true justice." And true justice karma balance is what I'm all about nowadays and my life is more balanced and better for it. From my point of view nowadays that old saying "The strong survive and the weak either perish, self-destruct, or become somebody's slave of some form" is very true and accurate. For those who want to be selfish, controlling, manipulative, self-destructive, abusive, hostile, threatening, toxic, narcissistic, angry, bitter, and self-medicate themselves can go ahead and fully suffer the consequences of their piss-poor life choices, actions, and decisions whether their blood related or not and at whatever age their at. No one is responsible for another adult, other than themselves. If they choose to self-destruct let them and don't try to save them, they ain't worth destroying your life and family over. More people need to focus on themselves, make themselves happy, improving their own life and home, making their own dreams come true. If another adult friend or family member screwed up their life or didn't set themselves up accordingly for a good comfortable future, that's not on you to help fix or save their life and future. The strong survive, the weak perish, self-destruct, or become a slave to another and that's on them, not on you!
I will have to disagree. Don't give her any money not $2000 like Dave says she gets Social Security plus she works but I would sit down and make a budget and say the money that I give you is going to stop. She doesn't need $2000 a month, she can live within her if she has a budget and learn how it is done
This situation right here is why i plan for my future. I can not, and will not put that pressure on my son to take care of his mom and me in our retirement when we are not able to work anymore. Your kids will feel a moral obligation to keep a roof over your head and food on your plate. Don't put that on them.
If I heard the caller right he was going to buy his mom a place and she passed on it. How entitled. Especially from a broke person. If I were him I'd cut everything off after that.
THIS! I had to tell my mom I am not a cash-advance business. She needs to look at her behavior and how she spends her money, she is an adult, lets act responsible. She gets upset but oh well. I am focusing on my financial freedom and I hope she does the same!
Sometimes it's alot easier to put boundaries in place for children but not grown ass adults. Children are actually more likely to respect those boundaries. Sometimes adults turn into children.
so why do you keep being the bank for your mother? She needs to learn how to take care of herself, and if she falls, she falls but that is not your responsibility. You have a family and children to worry about not her so stop giving her money.
You dont have kids to look at them as a financial source when you're old. As part of being a parent as feeding and clothing the child you chose to have is to make aure you are financially as stable as possible and future reinforcement thinking as possible. I have 3 kids. I would rather be dead than become financially dependant on them as i get old. It is not and will never be their job to help out dad with money in the future. Im 35, medically retired from defence and doing everything i can to better my fighting position for the future while giving my kids what they need now. I plan and am working on being a multi millionaire by the time theyre leaving school. Right now with a current net worth just over 7 figures i wont stop growing that wewlth regardless of the financial situation of the world etc. it is my duty as a father to be the bedrock for my family. That dependable rock that holds it up now and into the future. I owe my kida a stable home and the best start i can give them. When older, they own me nothing. I will have succeeded if they grow up and be great parents themselves. You dont have kids to then sap them dry later. They owe you nothing. Anyone who thinks different isnt fit to be a parent.
my husband does not get setting boudaries - he takes the stance that his family and him can do no wrong - this is affecting our marriage and my trust in him just decreases everyday.
Wish I’d heard this boundary talk 60 years ago. When I tried, I was met with hurt reactions. It was never over money. It was about making assumptions, and it angers me still.
He should try to get his mother in an assisted living facility based on her income. We want to assist our parents and families, especially when they are up in age, but you do not want them to financially bleed you, as you have your own bills to pay. Sometimes you have to say no to family members. I had to set boundaries and had a family member that I had been assisting financially for years stopped speaking to me because of this, but I have to be fine with that, as people need to stand on their own two feet.
😥My husband and I had to do this with my parents (in their late 70's) in 2019. They need help and wanted it. We Helped them with their budget (down to the last penny helped). There were a couple area i the budget we did not agree on where money sould be spent, and because of that clearly told them we financially could not help at because of the chooses and we were not at the time able to. They did really pretty well keeping the budget untill 2021 when they let there grown grandson and his whole family move in with them rent free. The budget went out the door. So needless to say we had to put more boundaries up. It did not go to well, guilt trips came (still do), but in the end i still to this day have to choose guilt over resentment. My mom especially has choosen due to her behavior to enable her grandson and not deal with her bugdet. Sad to watch this happen in family but as Dave said i could not enable this behavior any more just like i would not give drugs to a drug addict.
The guilt over resentment dichotomy is really not helpful. It does not have to be one or the other. If the decision is right & true, neither is there or there is another problem. There may be guilt trips, but not guilt
A lot of old(er) people make dumb decisions. They become childish and make decisions based on what they want, instead of what is realistic. They won't listen to reason and don't want anyone (especially their kids) to tell them what to do.
If he makes$750,000yr he can take care of his mom. Family is far more important than wealth. Boundaries are needed sometimes but not at the expense of not having a good relationship with family.
I would give her an allowance. I would say you can have $_____ per month would you like it given per week or once per month? And once it’s gone it’s gone until next month.
Can't imagine any family memberr asking for money. At times when something special out of the ordinary happens, we have made loans between each other that were paid off with no trouble. We had a 0% creditacar that we loaned my son and DIL to use for a year to give them an easier way to pay back their students loans and the were done using it in about 8-10 months. We had no money to help, but that was something we could we do to help them. Then the credit card sat around for years with nothing on it.
Bro u make almost a million a year keep helping your mom she’s not gonna be here forever and it’s not hurting u she brought u in to this world I would love to make a million a year and give my mom whatever she wants
My Mom worked til she was 90, not because she had to, because she wanted to. She felt it was good for herself mentally to be out where she could be around other people. It kept her young-minded. (This was after Dad's passing.) I should also say that she was one of those WWII ladies...and they were tough. I'm proud of her and the example she set.
i built my mother a house 20 years ago to keep her out of mine, paid it off in 13 years, it's been worth every penny, she still lives alone at 90 and pays her own expenses rent free.
What a wonderful person ! Your Mother must be very thankful that she raised such a generous son/daughter. The fact that she can live independently into her 90s proves this.
And you’re blessed to have a mother who respected you enough to pay her own expenses instead of guilting you into doing it on top of giving her free shelter.
Good man…..you did a great thing and life will always grant you blessings for it!
Sounds good on the surface but to keep her out of your life. 🤣
Jesus wish i had that kind of money.
When she refused the apartment, that’s it, that’s the end of it. That’s the offer on the table. That’s the only offer. There is no third option.
I agree, beggars can’t be choosers
Why was there even an offer in the first place? He said he told her first. She has a job and SS and hadn't asked him for money. He just started trying to give her money and tell her where to live. Not his responsibility.
Granny is going to be living on the street before it's all over with because he's too smart to let her break his household finances.
@@FortuneSeek3rzIf he were making 40K, I would agree. But he's making 75OK!
@@ritapearl-im3wv His 750K. If the apartment is safe, dry and warm, it's good enough.
I’m 50 and had to cut my mom off this year! It was tough but I am absolutely done- the longer you enable them they’ll never learn, I’ve got a son to raise and support and I’m single!! Good grief
Exactly! You’re kids don’t OWE you a life
That was me with my mom. It started at 13 and went on until I was in my late 40’s. Mom had the spirit of laziness and always she deserved everyone to feel sorry for her and “help” her. Different tune same story . Finally I surrendered and said “NO”. She never asked after that.
Exact same thing with me and my mother. Narcissistic personality disorder. I put up with it for two decades before finally realizing I had no other option but going no contact. Choose guilt over resentment every time. Last I knew she declared bankruptcy for the third time with almost 100 creditors.
@@rxmonkey5946 Wow, this is something.
@@rxmonkey5946Man that is insanity…….!!
@@rxmonkey5946One hundred creditors . . . unbelievable.
This hits home!
I needed to hear this call. I love the statement, “choose guilt over resentment, every time”. Thank you for that advice. I bought my mom a condo, outright, and I have been paying 3/4 of her expenses. I am finally to the point that I am working with her on managing her own money and paying all her own expenses. The guilt from this choice is killing me, but the resentment I was building up was worse.
When you feel guilty just turn the situation around and ask yourself if YOU would bleed your mother dry like she is using you? I hate to say it but if she actually CARED about you, she would not be using you like this. Let that sink in. I had TWO parents like this. I finally went NO CONTACT on both as it was seriously affecting my health. Best thing I ever did.
❤😢🎉😮😮😅😊
I hope the condo is in your name.
👍🏾
It's not about his income, it's about his mother being irresponsible and feeling entitled to her son's money. Dave is right here 100% .. put her on a budget and cut her off. Stop the enabling.
It has a lot to do with his income because, if her son didn't have a lot of money, he wouldn't be able to give her large sums of money every time she asks for it. Her actions are not a sense of irresponsibility, it's a feeling that she thinks he owes her something and taking advantage of him.
If I made 750,000 i would give my mother what she needed, and no more. I feel like Dave, he can afford it, but come to a AMOUNT, and that's it. I wonder how much money she has given to him over his life, did she pay for his College, did she ever help him out of situations, a lot of this is not so cut and dry.
@@25d913 agreed. He is a horrible son. Makes $750k and watches his 73yr old mom work full time and struggle to make ends meet.... she's poor, not a meth addict ffs. that will be his biggest route to hell on judgement day
@@scotland369 and the biggest regret when she is gone. Hell, I think i would buy my mom a house and be done with it. Also give her enough a set amount so she can retire.
@@scotland369 No, he's not a horrible son at all because he's given her money, to help support her numerous times. Maybe the reason why she's still working at 73 years old is because she wants to. There are many senior citizens that are retired, who're working part time in their 60s and 70s doing light duty jobs, if they don't have anything else to do at home to keeps them active. The older employees are more dependable at their workplace than the young people because of their long, good work ethic.
Even if someone is making a very large income, nobody wants to feel that a loved one is taking advantage of them. And sometimes, you just need to say "no".
I don't really tell anyone what I earn. Much more peaceful that way.
yes
😊😊😊🎉
I feel like this episode was for me. I feel so bad I just keep doing it. But the addiction analogy hit hard. And totally makes sense. My mother can’t afford to buy a broom a few days after she is paid. And I recently said no I was not going to buy it and she was just floored and mad at me. Yet I paid for her dinner out and movies etc in the same evening and never a thank you. But I guess I enabled her to this point.
Trust me you're not alone! Hearing stories like the caller and yours helps me know that others go through the same thing I have with my own mom. I'm done at this point but I struggle with guilt still.
It’s sad… a sense of entitlement is developed over time and it makes it worse much harder for everyone 😢
I like that he said know where you stand in a relationship. This helps to know how far to go in giving. Unreasonable parents, abusive or toxic parents will not change because they have needs and we give. Support must always be sustainable for the giver. Even if its 100.00 or 1000.00. Complete relief from suffering is very expensive and a lot of cooperation and respect and willingness to help themselves has to be there for the parent. How often does that happen with ego, superiority complexes, and attitudes of you owe me in the way? So. No guilt. I used to give and regret my gift because it went to lies and excuses were made. 400 for hoa and it went to the hair salon. Im more worried about her losing her house than she was. But the lie was still told. I understood over time that I was dealing with a lot in my parents disorders and their issues are not to be given to as they request. The giving never actually helps past food. They play games. With everybody.
My friends are dealing with this type of thing, but it is their brother. He does have health issues (some due to his own bad choices), but gets disability and has VA benefits thank goodness. Their Mother paid for everything for him and when she was close to passing made them promise to take help him. Luckily they do o.k. financially, but both are paying at least 1K each for the brother every month and one of them is paying for college for their kids at the same time. They own where he lives and pay for incidentals like food because he always runs out of money within a few days of receiving it. When the family goes on trips or out to dinner they pay for everything for him because they don't want him to feel bad. He is always squawking about needing more money. He is so ungrateful. It makes me ill.
This is good advice, but it's way, way easier said than done. Watching your homeless mother walk off your porch or watching your kid walk away because of righteous boundaries creates a lot of tears. If you have to do this, get ready to carry a heavy load. Its not easy.
If I was making near a million and my parents/inlaws were guilting me into handing over money "because you can easily afford it," and it became time to cut off the parents so I could live my own life, I would negotiate a modest monthly allowance. I would not be buying a rental for said parents, I would buy them a home that they could afford--if they do not want to live in that home, it is on them if they walk. I would stop listening to "You need to give me..." and remember that "No" can be a complete sentence, and that mom learning to live within her means and manage her money will bring her more dignity than me constantly catering to her manufactured money needs.
All of that noted, this is a terrible situation that I would not want to see anyone get themselves into with their parents, regardless of income or ability to afford it. 😕
@@user-mv9tt4st9k yes.. i have to wonder what she is spending her money on if working full time at 70 plus getting social security.
Personally cause shes so old id just take care of her. Idc what shes done i wouldnt leave my mum homeless lol. And she works at 73 thats sad as it is regardless of the fact its her fault. Thankfully in the uk we get pensions lol
I couldn't allow my mom to be homeless, no way, that goes too far.
@@augustalexander2647we have social security, which she is getting. And she’s working, maybe she should move to a cheaper area
Jeannette Walls is an amazing person. The Glass Castle is a fabulous read; I had no idea that a homeless person would choose that life, but her parents did, several times.
Dave, you're awesome. Thanks so much!
At first I was kind of against this guy with his salary and how old his mother is. However when he said he offered her to buy her apartment outright and she would just pay him monthly what she can afford. Then she refused that arrangement?! That’s some nerve on her part. Shows her character
Shows his character that he makes so much and would still charge his mother rent
@@cedrimar he told her he would take whatever she can afford and willing to work something out. It’s not a stringent monthly rent requirement. He was trying to help her out. He wanted to buy her apartment outright!! That in itself a a good son gesture of good will. I understand she 73 but come on. My grandmother was 92 years old before she just passed and paying property taxes and utilities and lived alone
@@cedrimarand she denied his request not because of rent. It was just because she didn’t like the place he wanted to purchase. She wanted different place. Entitlement!
@@drewdelaney4166 agreed. They both have terrible attitudes. They deserve each other 🤣.
ᶫᵒᵛᵉ❥ᵧₒᵤ➳ 🤍🤍sᴇɴᴅ🤍🤍ᴍᴇ🤍🤍ᴀ🤍🤍ᴅɪʀᴇᴄᴛτєϰτ🤍±９１９２９５６３７５☝️☝️ ❆࿅࿆👍🏿👍🏿👍🏿👍🏿
If you want to keep relatives and "uncles from nowhere whom you didn't even know existed" from showing up at your front door with their hands out, live your life as though you look like you don't have any money to spare ... otherwise known as 'stealth wealth'. It's better to look poor and be rich than it is to look rich and be poor.
Or just learn to say no. You can have a new Mercedes parked in the driveway and when your uncle shows up with his hand out you can politely decline.
But that’s a lie life and would be a really stressful way to live. Just say no. You don’t have to make excuses.
The real issue here is that his mother is continually asking him for money because she knows he's got it, not necessarily she needs it. She's taking him for granted because, she knows he's kindhearted, generous and he's going to give it to her. Besides, if she's still working full time and collecting her Social Security, she should some money of her own because, he's been paying everything else for her. If her son wasn't wealthy, his mother wouldn't ask him for money like that all the time. It has become a habit to her. You'll be surprised at how people will ask to borrow money and will have money of their own. That's called using someone! You can only use and take advantage of a person for so long, and soon it will all come to an end, whether if they're family or not. His mother isn't irresponsible, she just deliberately playing and spending her son's money because it's there. She's thinking, why should she support herself financially, when he's got millions.
ᶫᵒᵛᵉ❥ᵧₒᵤ➳ 🤍🤍sᴇɴᴅ🤍🤍ᴍᴇ🤍🤍ᴀ🤍🤍ᴅɪʀᴇᴄᴛτєϰτ🤍±９１９２９５６３７５☝️☝️ ❆࿅࿆👍🏿👍🏿👍🏿👍🏿
This reminded me of my own late mother. She was a financial disaster and was always looking to others for help. She was a hard worker when she could work, but unfortunately she didn't have any kind of retirement at all. Family stuff is the worst :(
This is most definitely a situational thing, but I could never imagine turning my back on my parents no matter the situation. Then again, my Mother has never asked for a single penny but has given her last penny for the success of her children.
Exactly. Your mom would never put you in that spot - she’s a giver. This caller’s mom is a taker (she was going to be bought a house!!! She said she ‘no’ and instead assumed her son would pay for the movers, damage deposit etc)
It's different when your mom is CONSTANTLY asking. They guilt trip you and expect you to do it because they raised you, as if it wasn't theirs responsibility to do so. Be grateful you have self sufficient parents.
It’s easy to imagine. Imagine your mom asks for money for food because she can’t afford to eat. So you give her money for a months worth of food. Then she calls two weeks later and she says she’s out of money and can’t eat and needs more cash. Then when you get to her place, you notice she just got her hair and nails done. This is how it plays out
I think what you stated is the norm. My parents worked all their lives and lived frugally, lived on SS without problem. 😊
@@brianal7143it isn't "theirs" responsibility. It's THEIR responsibility
It’s not up to the children to take care of the mother. She should have been planning her entire life for her older years. I would never in 1 million years put that burden on either one of my children.
Remember, our parents took care and provided for us when we were babies, and during our adolescence years when we couldn't take care of ourselves. If it wasn't for our parents, we wouldn't be here! As our parents gets older, they're going to need their children to help take care of them, when they get sick or disabled, the way they took care of us when we weren't able to. But as far as supporting them financially, they should already have a savings to live on, and not depending on their children, which is a different situation.
@@slimdude2011 Right, but did they also take care of their parents' financial needs while they were raising you? In my case (and probably a lot of other people) no, of course they didn't have to funds to support their families while simultaneously suporting their parents (my grandparents). I hope I have the funds to help them out sometimes eventually, but I wont be draining my children's college funds or our home equity to do it. And if i did my dad would have some choice words for me.
@@Don-Swanson Did my parents took care of my grandparents, when they were in need? Probably. Who wouldn't? I never knew my grandfather because he passed away when I very young.
@@slimdude2011it was your parents decision to have kids. Once kids are old enough we leave. Its NOT our responsibility to care for our parents. Its their responsibility to ensure legally we make it to 18 years. After that both parties are on their own.
73 and working full time!!! my mind is blown. The fact that she’s still working and is in this situation is frightening, she just expects her son to look after her and she’s going to totally guilt trip him.
She's doing a great job so far.
First check with her social security,
If she was married to either her 1st or 2nd husband longer than 10 years, & they have passed & she can have 1/2 their SS payments if it equates to more than her monthly check.
2) buying a condo/apt investment property is a great idea for Florida.
Not in her name of course.
Charge her $500 a month rent & you pay the HOA & utilities directly with that.
If she balks, tell her this is how it is, buy it anyways, she will eventually move in there because you are cutting off the other funds.
I'm so glad they discussed boundaries. I have a few sisters who are acting very badly around inheritance and the estate. They of course don't think so, they have rationalized it. They have an absolute right for their thinking. But it's harmed me pretty good, despite having it in writing and getting a clarification. Yes, they're dysfunctional, yes their always reactive. Boundary, prayer and time away and not engaging with their reactivity (when I set a boundary or just state, ouch, lol). Otherwise, I get reactive and infected.
Addicts will misuse anyone that helps them, addicts are absolutely without conscience when it comes to meeting their own needs, (yours do not matter.) Simple. edit to add: addicted to spending irresponsibly is an addiction.
I completely agree with you! You help them out then they get mad when you can’t give anymore. No one is entitled to what you have spent your whole life working for.
I am glad for this conversation because I always felt like I was morally obligated to help out my family members. They have borrowed money from me and not paid me back. I needed to hear this.
I wanted to hear about his business. 750k a year is sensational
@@Violet._.PhoeniXHe talked about running a business. Most doctors would just say they were doctors.
This is me with my mom. Started at 18 years old. Finally got tired of being her ATM. I love my mom but I can't fix her problems, it's only bitterness that follows.
So what will you do if she comes to you again? If she will literally be homeless if you dont help her?
@@chanson8508 maybe send them to financial peace
Same with my husband. He started supporting his mom and his little half sister (2) when he was 19. We finally managed to cut the bleeding off when my husband was 56. She was horrible with money and never worked. She just wanted to sponge off us it almost destroyed my marriage.
A relationship based on money before anything else is going to fail. It's not a relationship based on respect.
Don't enable. Bet's she's not that grateful for all the previous help you've given her. Probably entitled.
My mother has been mooched off me in high school and then it spread to one of my other sisters. We cut her off completely and moved out. We were tired of a lazy narcissist trying to tell us our job was to take care of her when she barely took care of us as kids
I just talked to a lady yesterday. Her grandmother had to go back to work at 80 because of her misbehavior.
My MiL was like this. It started when my poor husband was only 17. His mom hooked up with a guy and got pregnant on purpose and had his half sister when he was in his senior year of HS. His parents were separated and when his dad found out he filed for divorce. She spent the next 18 years using his sister as an excuse for asking for money every month. She refused to get a job and depending on family and random guys for everything. It almost destroyed our marriage. I was foolish and did not set boundaries when we got married. I never even considered this would be the situation I inherited. I finally managed to extricate us from her parasitic grasp when hubby wanted to retire soon. I told him we couldn’t until his mom was dead because we had no clue what she would ask for next month. Four years ago when hubby was 55, he put his foot down and said enough. My sister needs to take a turn now. MiL is 80 and still running around full steam. She will probably live for 15 more years. This has to get nipped now before this man’s wife leaves him
I have a mom who constantly asked and begged for money. She used to make me feel guilty by turning on the water works and she was the best of the best for selling guilt trips. She even asked for the money she gifted me and my wife on our wedding day where she showed up an hour late. I finally just told her no and ignored her constant calls and text. It was hell at first because she started cursing me out saying how ungrateful I am. I have seen her in years but she occasionally texts me now and then. It's hard to say no at first, but once I planted my foot down firmly and ignore the constant barrage of texts and calls, she tired herself out and eventually came to the realization that I wasn't going to cough up any more money. I used to say no and feel guilty when she started crying and gave in. To this day, she is jumping from job to job and living paycheck to paycheck. I have no doubt that when she is unable to work, she will come begging me for money again or for a place to stay.
@@wonderfullymade425 she was never mean. Quite the opposite. She would spend hundreds of dollars on groceries (she let us pick out a bunch of junk food and snack) when she visited me and my bro every other week or so. That’s why I felt bad but it got old fast bc she kept coming for more.
Don't let her move in with you. She's going to want everything her way.
This may be an unpopular opinion i guess. But if i made 750k per year my mom wouldn't have to pay for anything for the rest of her life. She worked hard to take care of me and if i have the means to, i will do the same for her without hesitation.
I gave my "family" time and money when I had little of either and it was never enough.
Walked away, dropped all contact, two decades ago and my regret is not doing it sooner.
Congratulations!! You broke away! Most people allow guilt and “family” to enslave them as enablers forever.
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My husband's family is like this. And it's become generational. My hubby finally stood up to them 20 years ago and tried to tell them he wasn't going to buy into the guilt and manipulation anymore. He was then labeled the "bad son". He's mean, judgmental and doesn't value family. 😅 Has that stopped them from asking for money? Nope. 🙄
When the family asks for money, he should remind them that they told him he was the "bad son". He should tell them he's not going to tolerate them thinking of him that way and STILL expecting to be given money.
@@CarlaQuattlebaum I have never been able to reason with a habitually bad decision maker. Imagine trying to help push a car stuck in the snow while the driver keeps his foot on the brake the whole time and if you do manage to get the car out, they immediately drive into the next snowbank and say help me.
@@coniccinoc I'm hoping a relative will quit being a bad decision maker when it comes to money, I'm done helping them now that they're employed again.
If he gives her $2000 a month she’s just going to spend it on other things then come crying back to him that she doesn’t have money to pay her bills. It’s like the only thing he can do is manage the entirety of her finances…but then that’s not his job. This is a tough situation to deal with. He can also just stop responding to her but he sounds like a good, intelligent and compassionate man, so that will be difficult for him.
Another option is he pays her rent, has groceries delivered, and if she blows the rest of her money then let her she won’t starve or freeze to death
@@TonyCox1351 Yes, but this man is of the compassionate type. He won’t let his mother suffer, so there has to be an alternative.
@@karenmassey8354 I get what youre saying but the solution I just laid out is the compassionate one. Giving a spending addict money to spend every time they ask for it, is not compassionate, its damaging
He should only agree to pay bills by directly paying the companies. DO NOT give money directly to his mom.
@@TonyCox1351*you're saying
Finding Dave Ramsey and my spiritual development has come hand in hand. Getting your finances straight is about being honest with yourself and alignment with your higher self. Bless you Dave
Parents can no longer count on their kids as a pension plan.
Imagine being 73 taking in SS with a job and still unable to afford to exist. Thats probably 5 decades of poor financial decisions.
@@Sizukun1 not necessarily. Some people get disabled or are mentally incapable of earning a lot of money (lower IQ etc)
They never should have “counted on their children”, just as children should work hard and earn their own income, not live off their parents in perpetuity.
Since year dot, we are to honour our parents, and leave and cleave to our husband/ wife, change this at your peril
My son did what Dave just suggested. It took him YEARS to train me. I’m 83 now… bought a house in my name at 78 years old. Now he only must give me $250 each month to keep me afloat and I’m very happy with my convoluted belief that I’m living on my own. He helps me a lot he’s 60 miles away and he gives me that money, and he helps me and helps me with the woodstove and the gutter cleaning. You can do it. You’re the grownup now. Just keep hammering .
Had an uncle out of the blue ask me for 20k... My mom had told him how much money I had. He never talked to me before.
Why? I'm behind on my truck. Sell it? I don't want to. He lost it.
Getting a medical travel assignment near him. Ask him if I could stay there...I was gonna give him $1-1.5k a month for 3 days a week. He refused.
Tells you everything you need to know. He could've helped his financial situation by mutually beneficial decision. He only wanted to take. Not give an ounce.
A lot of people didn't bother listening.
There is a reason the guy was hesitant to help his mom. And he tried to buy her an apartment and she said no. Most of you missed it.
I think telling her she has a monthly amount she can expect now as long as her bills are paid is smart. Or just paying g a portion of her bills to make sure they're paid.
Being in that situation would freak me out. it would be so hard to have an irresponsible parent. Especially and 73 year old. Man, that's a tough one.
he makes $750,000 he can help his mom out.
@@imveryhungry112Helping is not blindly funding her lifestyle though, it’s the principle not the income.
@TheSoulCrisis my mom died in 2022. And his mom will be gone soon enough. It's like, when they're alive they annoy you. But once they're gone you miss them bad and would put up with their annoyances if you could have them back. Life's funny that way.
My oh my! How I wish I could have heard this many many years ago. Thank you for this episode!
Family financial situations can be a nightmare. You have to set boundaries with dysfunctional family members or cut them out of your life completely. If you’ve given a family member upwards of $1k and you turn around and ask them for $40 and they refuse to help you. Walk away.
It's sad that we live in a world where people are no longer thankful when you help them because they expect it now. If you do not help them they get angry because they are expecting it instead of being grateful.
put your kids as your pension plan is absolutely ridiculous, i mean, your kids are meant to help you sometimes but also remember they have their own bills too.
i have a great mom that spent her last penny for our success today but i think am currently heading the wrong way financially and i don’t want to be burden to my kids, I'm more interested in investments that could set me up for retirement in my 60s, my goal is at least $750K.
As you plan your retirement, be sure to talk with a financial advisor who can help you make the most of your retirement investing scheme.
very true, having a financial advisor has been the key to my financial success and i have made over $200k this year with her help. No child should let her mother go homeless because you can’t truly be happy knowing you could help you mother and you didn’t. Also at same time, no parents should put their children in a financial situation to that the consider abandoning you.
could you share more info please on the advisor that guides you.
My advisor is “BECKY LOU GORDON ”. You can look her up online if you care for supervision.
Reading the comments, i feel better knowing i am not alone. Yup, boundaries are important in this situation. Guard your hearts and don't get manipulated. Some parents can be very toxic. 😢 Hugs to everyone who is struggling in this matter. We love our parents and respect them, but they also need to understand that being parents come with responsibilities 😅.
Why do parents expect their adult children to support them , I can't even begin to understand this.
Because people like him are doing it.
I am my parent’s retirement plan and I feel like an ATM. I already got her a retirement home on mortgage but expects me to cover the bills, food and everything in between. I’m exhausted and bitter.
Take some steps & set some boundaries. It will take time because there is an established expectation. WE will look at your finances & set a budget, which will be adhered to. My future help will be determined by responsiblity on your part. If that is unacceptable, I am sure you can work things out all by yourself. And then stick to it. There will be whining, guilt trips & calls to relatives about how you are mean. Stick to it for her good & your future & sanity
why are you doing it then? are you the only child? they would be homeless, etc and you cant accept that? You cant pour from an empty cup. Dr. J didnt say it this episode but I will: Choose GUILT over RESENTMENT : )) Everything is hard until it is easy. You are choosing a version of hard that DOES NOT serve you. Best of luck!
If you find a moment of strength to set the boundaries you want, I would inform her of said boundaries, then make the arrangements, then perhaps don't talk to her for awhile. Maybe distance would let her calm down and get used to the new routine while giving you some peace for a time.
Thats sooo sad, im a retired mum of 3 daughters who are very generous to me always but i would not ask them for anything barely even to cut the grass
I listening to this story as my own, this is what I'm dealing with my irresponsible mother
I think this is one of the best videos they’ve put out. And they are all good.
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Here is one other thing I think may come into play concerning this man who called...he is obviously a vert successful business man...maybe he is concerned that his reputation would be hurt if he doesn't give mom money and she makes it public in some way that he is so well off but won't take care of her....I have dealt with this kind of public slandering via social media from my own family members who are financially irresponsible and frankly lazy and don't want to work. I have learned that you have to become ok with being the villian in someone else's story. It's not easy, but I have had to do it and then distance myself from that toxic environment. But the peace I have in my life is well worth it.
My mother is like this and she expects myself and my sister to take care of her. She’s also an alcoholic. My dad used to take great care of her, but he got fed up and left her. I found her a government subsidized apartment and told her not expect any financial help from me. She hasn’t asked me for anything since then,because she resents me because “I’m supposed to help her”.
This! My Dad is on his third wife, got a 350k inheritance from my grandfather nothing left and hasn't worked in 10 years. His wife is always threatening to kick him out. Makes passive aggressive comments about living in my basement. Clains to be s*$ addict and looks at porn all day. Told him there isn't a snowball chance in hell he can live with my hubby and two teen daughters! He was recently diagnosed with colon cancer and I know he is gonna be cancer ridden and on my doorstep with no place to live but I can't put my families safety before a man who had EVERY opportunity to be in a different situation. I will feel bad but not as terrible as it would feel to have to apologize to my daughters for being SA'd by their grandpa. I don't trust a self declared addict to control themselves.
Not a psychologist here, but I’m intrigued by the dynamic in the studio with Dave and John. John looks assertive, even in his posture. Dave looks comfortable and laid back. You can see the mutual respect they have for each other. Dave has years of experience built into his demeanor. He is clearly in charge, even with a slightly passive disposition.
Lol Dr. Baloney is a turd
Well it is an employer/employee dynamic so😂
Reminds me of the folk wisdom.
In a conference room of 100. The 90 wearing blazers are middle management, 9 wearing polos are executives. The guy in coveralls is the owner
@@alexpietsch7997 Totally true!
If my household is bringing in 750k I am telling mom she can come and live with us in the guest bedroom or guest house and she doesnt have to worry about any expenses for the rest of her life and she gets free room/board and she can use her social security for her wants. If she says no then I wish her good luck and tell her she is on her own.
**EDITT** Since most people don't understand this, the reason behind it is to take money out of the equation. Yes, mom is not good with money, yes mom is coming to you for money for rent, bills, etc over the last few years. By moving her in you take away her reason for depending on or managing money. You liquidate everything she owns, pay off any debts she might have, put the rest in the bank for her and she has no reason to ask you for anything after that. Her rent, utilities, food are all taken care of and her social security is hers to use as she wants, there is no more need for her to ask for money because you remove that option.
Depends on the person. Some parents are toxic and can create havoc within the family.
With that money I'm designing and building a brand new house with an attached connecting unit. At that age I want my mom under my nose, no way I'm letting her live by herself
parents living with you is bad for your marriage
plus that is household income, he can't give from his wife's money - she could be the doctor
If you've got a mom who can't handle money and has no problem coming to you over and over again to make ends meet, do you really want her living in the same house as you and getting used to living your $750K per year lifestyle? The problem would only get 10 times worse.
This is a great segment, lately I have many friends and family members asking for a “spot” here and there, lately. And I think I will change my approach.
I like the allegory to “what would you do if they were irresponsible with something else, like drugs… answer is you don’t give them more of it… “ you help/coach new behavior and draw some boundaries…
They're not friends if they keep asking for money
This was my life. I had a parent who took advantage of me financially from the time I started working at 15. This parent has died, and that relationship was never healed. Please don't do this to your kids.
My parents are simply not my responsibility. I can’t imagine being a burden to my children
Buy the mom a mobile home. You can find some at a reasonable price and rent depending where you live is much cheaper than renting an apartment. I live in one. It's my home. I love it and Im saving money for a bigger home.
Retirement money isn't going far enough now. Many retirees aren't making enough to live. They out live their money.
I definitely do not know the history of this situation, but I make a FRACTION of what this guy does and totally take care of my mom and would not have it any other way. I think this is a cultural thing in this country. Asian, South American, and African cultures take care of their parents no matter what. It just seems right to me considering everything they have done for us. Again, I don't know this guy or his mom, but he definitely makes more than enough to at least get her a house and help her manage her budget.
Exactly. My parents cared for their parents. He can build an extra unit in his backyard if he has room. It will add value to his property.
This was a deep call... more than just financial.
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My Dad and Mom were this way. My parents would tap all of us 4 kids. We finally at their age of 88 took the finances over so we no longer have to bail them out. They are not going to change who they are, but.. we can change how we react and deal with it. It caused LOTS of heartache and chaos in our family. Glad my sister now handles the finances. They make PLENTY. Just my dad was a "child" with money and leveraged his relationship to keep asking us. Now he has to live in boundaries and he hates it. But we tell him we gave you plenty of chances and you would not grow up, now we are done. Life is about choices. Sad this happens in other families. No is a complete sentence.
The kindest act you and your siblings could enact was to control their spending and expenses, forcing them to behave within their means! Doing what is best for them is where real love comes from, not keeping them in a dream world. 👏
That’s great that all 4 of u guys were able to work something out for them. I worry about that in the future.
@@TheSoulCrisis truth and well said. Hard to once again be the adult to your parents, but we have long track record with my Dad. It took his heart attack to make it all happen. Speaking with fact and giving him too many chances is what it took, sadly. It created bad blood with us 4 kids for far too long. I was the one who finally had enough of bailing him out when they bring in plenty. I owed them nothing as they NEVER helped me financially in my life. Just because there is a relationship does not mean entitlement to our money.
@@smorales1489 it took 3 years of us siblings not talking because of the enabling, 2 of us were done, 2 wanted to keep helping. Then Dad had a massive heart attack in Jan 2022 and that was our moment to take finances over. We just started talking again after all that dust settled. Sad. I hope for your future it does not happen. You have to state with fact you are done. It sucks, but it is enabling. Holding that boundary is so important.
He makes $750,000 a year? His mother is 73 and widowed and still works. They want to turn her out now after 7 years? She may be bad news, but she is still his mother who took care of him for 18 years. With that kind of money he can easily help her out or move her in with him.
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She has a full time job & the dead's husband ss. So she's spending too much
I feel his pain. I worked hard to ensure that my mother could sustain herself, however, she stopped working at 59 years old before she could qualify for social security now she can't work and i have to be responsible for her. She was perfectly healthy when she stopped working
She is NOT your responsibility. Thats a choice you are making. I would bail before it ruins your life!
@@AimeePoppinBabies She is now ill. She had a stroke and is bed ridden so my hands are tied
Hopefully, everyone who is listening is doing everything that they can to put themselves on the WEALTH side of their family, instead of the BEGGING side!
I learned a valuable lesson at 35, I'm going to say and do things that other people are not going to like, understand, or agree with and that's other peoples problem, not mine. After nearly 40 years I stopped trying to please and make everyone happy because its impossible. Takers hurt, use, walk all over others, say one thing and do another to nice, kind, gentle, givers. I was a major creative giver and nice guy for the longest time and now I'm not. I no longer believe in being the super nice guy that always takes the moral high ground because that gets you used, taken advantage of, screwed over, lied to, betrayed, and be non-stop hurt, used, stole from, and walked all over until you put boundaries down and once you do they'll turn on you and make you look like the villain to everyone they know. So, now I have strict boundaries and believe more in equalness and fairness equality, eye-for-an-eye, respect and true karma balance in the universe. So, you get what you deserve, cause and effect true justice balance. And with that a lot of people like to tell me "Hey Chris, have you ever heard the old saying two wrongs don't make a right?" and I respond with "Yes, I have heard that and you are correct, two wrongs don't make a right if you want to choose the moral high ground path. However, that is only one side of a two sided coin! On the other side is, two wrongs do make a right because they balance the scales of true justice." And true justice karma balance is what I'm all about nowadays and my life is more balanced and better for it. From my point of view nowadays that old saying "The strong survive and the weak either perish, self-destruct, or become somebody's slave of some form" is very true and accurate. For those who want to be selfish, controlling, manipulative, self-destructive, abusive, hostile, threatening, toxic, narcissistic, angry, bitter, and self-medicate themselves can go ahead and fully suffer the consequences of their piss-poor life choices, actions, and decisions whether their blood related or not and at whatever age their at. No one is responsible for another adult, other than themselves. If they choose to self-destruct let them and don't try to save them, they ain't worth destroying your life and family over. More people need to focus on themselves, make themselves happy, improving their own life and home, making their own dreams come true. If another adult friend or family member screwed up their life or didn't set themselves up accordingly for a good comfortable future, that's not on you to help fix or save their life and future. The strong survive, the weak perish, self-destruct, or become a slave to another and that's on them, not on you!
The answer is simple. Stop the handouts.
Guys just need to toughen up & stop being disrespected by blood family members that are not deserving of such actions to help them out 🤷🏾♂✅.
True.
I will have to disagree. Don't give her any money not $2000 like Dave says she gets Social Security plus she works but I would sit down and make a budget and say the money that I give you is going to stop. She doesn't need $2000 a month, she can live within her if she has a budget and learn how it is done
Peter, buy and read that book Boundaries asap. Your wife too. It's life changing and you desperately need it. Peace
This situation right here is why i plan for my future. I can not, and will not put that pressure on my son to take care of his mom and me in our retirement when we are not able to work anymore. Your kids will feel a moral obligation to keep a roof over your head and food on your plate. Don't put that on them.
If I heard the caller right he was going to buy his mom a place and she passed on it. How entitled. Especially from a broke person. If I were him I'd cut everything off after that.
THIS! I had to tell my mom I am not a cash-advance business. She needs to look at her behavior and how she spends her money, she is an adult, lets act responsible. She gets upset but oh well. I am focusing on my financial freedom and I hope she does the same!
Dave and John are spot on. Beggars can't be choosers.
He offered to buy her a home and she refused because she wanted to live somewhere else? And still asks him for money? Hell no
Sometimes it's alot easier to put boundaries in place for children but not grown ass adults. Children are actually more likely to respect those boundaries. Sometimes adults turn into children.
so why do you keep being the bank for your mother? She needs to learn how to take care of herself, and if she falls, she falls but that is not your responsibility. You have a family and children to worry about not her so stop giving her money.
My mother half-joked to me that I'm her pension plan and I said "Why not just start one?" She didn't. And I went no contact. 😬
You dont have kids to look at them as a financial source when you're old. As part of being a parent as feeding and clothing the child you chose to have is to make aure you are financially as stable as possible and future reinforcement thinking as possible. I have 3 kids. I would rather be dead than become financially dependant on them as i get old. It is not and will never be their job to help out dad with money in the future. Im 35, medically retired from defence and doing everything i can to better my fighting position for the future while giving my kids what they need now. I plan and am working on being a multi millionaire by the time theyre leaving school. Right now with a current net worth just over 7 figures i wont stop growing that wewlth regardless of the financial situation of the world etc. it is my duty as a father to be the bedrock for my family. That dependable rock that holds it up now and into the future. I owe my kida a stable home and the best start i can give them. When older, they own me nothing. I will have succeeded if they grow up and be great parents themselves. You dont have kids to then sap them dry later. They owe you nothing. Anyone who thinks different isnt fit to be a parent.
Accountability is like kryptonite.
...to the majority of women.
If I make 750k my mother would never ever have to worry again about finance .
Yeah but he lives in Miami it’s real easy to live out of your means, even at 750k a year.
@@kylep4983are you kidding me? That is an absurd amount of money even in Miami (or anywhere honestly)
my husband does not get setting boudaries - he takes the stance that his family and him can do no wrong - this is affecting our marriage and my trust in him just decreases everyday.
The solution the son had sounds great. Buy an apartment as an investment. Be gentle. Be caring. This is not a stranger!
Wish I’d heard this boundary talk 60 years ago. When I tried, I was met with hurt reactions. It was never over money. It was about making assumptions, and it angers me still.
He should try to get his mother in an assisted living facility based on her income. We want to assist our parents and families, especially when they are up in age, but you do not want them to financially bleed you, as you have your own bills to pay.
Sometimes you have to say no to family members. I had to set boundaries and had a family member that I had been assisting financially for years stopped speaking to me because of this, but I have to be fine with that, as people need to stand on their own two feet.
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If she works full-time and gets Social Security, I’m not understanding why she can’t afford rent
😥My husband and I had to do this with my parents (in their late 70's) in 2019. They need help and wanted it. We Helped them with their budget (down to the last penny helped). There were a couple area i the budget we did not agree on where money sould be spent, and because of that clearly told them we financially could not help at because of the chooses and we were not at the time able to. They did really pretty well keeping the budget untill 2021 when they let there grown grandson and his whole family move in with them rent free. The budget went out the door. So needless to say we had to put more boundaries up. It did not go to well, guilt trips came (still do), but in the end i still to this day have to choose guilt over resentment. My mom especially has choosen due to her behavior to enable her grandson and not deal with her bugdet. Sad to watch this happen in family but as Dave said i could not enable this behavior any more just like i would not give drugs to a drug addict.
The guilt over resentment dichotomy is really not helpful. It does not have to be one or the other. If the decision is right & true, neither is there or there is another problem. There may be guilt trips, but not guilt
You can’t get mad at people for overstepping boundaries if you didn’t put them up or honor the boundaries to begin with.
It's sad that boundaries even have to be put in place. People should be decent human beings and know what is right and wrong.
She should apply for subsidized "Affordable Housing" with a local housing authority.
A lot of old(er) people make dumb decisions. They become childish and make decisions based on what they want, instead of what is realistic. They won't listen to reason and don't want anyone (especially their kids) to tell them what to do.
I keep mine in check if she likes living in her house. I lead by example and give her a lot of reminders.
Thanks so much for this video. Choosing to invest in my future while watching my parent struggle…is so tough.
If he makes$750,000yr he can take care of his mom. Family is far more important than wealth. Boundaries are needed sometimes but not at the expense of not having a good relationship with family.
The book is the Glass Castle not the Glass House (which is also a book).
I would be so incredibly embarrassed to ask for a penny from any of my children! I'd live under a bridge before that would happen.
I would give her an allowance. I would say you can have $_____ per month would you like it given per week or once per month? And once it’s gone it’s gone until next month.
Can't imagine any family memberr asking for money. At times when something special out of the ordinary happens, we have made loans between each other that were paid off with no trouble. We had a 0% creditacar that we loaned my son and DIL to use for a year to give them an easier way to pay back their students loans and the were done using it in about 8-10 months. We had no money to help, but that was something we could we do to help them. Then the credit card sat around for years with nothing on it.
GLASS CASTLE BY JEANNE WELLS, amazing book!!!! And the film is good too!
I'm going to order it from the library. Can't wait to read it!!
Jeannette Walls
Bro u make almost a million a year keep helping your mom she’s not gonna be here forever and it’s not hurting u she brought u in to this world I would love to make a million a year and give my mom whatever she wants