BTT #20 - Operating in Solitude, The Risks
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- Опубліковано 5 вер 2024
- In this episode we kick off taking about why living in solitude and avoiding relationships can have higher occurrences of mental illness...
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@@chuckiegravesfield3170 There always is, just ignore them. That cat lady theory is dead on and 💯 true!
You can operate in solitude, then venture out into society, clubs, parties, meetings - to get your weekly or monthly socializing fix - then go back to solutude. Works great.
I feel like most people can't do that because they can't adapt. You're absolutely right though
I must be the exception to the rule because I enjoy my solitude.
I do much better when I'm by myself. A lot less to worry about.
Me too. Having roomates drove me to the brink of madness. Let alone a live in girlfriend that is a nightmare.
I feel the same way.
It's a lot easier solo when all you have to worry about is #1; yourself and your pup.
To be honest I feel the same. As I get older my honest and gregarious nature seem to attract nothing but users. For me it was family members, tenants who refused to pay rent, friends who really aren't friends ect. I have a few friends I chat with and woman I see occasionally but in all honesty I prefer being by myself for the most part. Less headaches and more clarity.
Yep imo that all depends on how helpful the partner is. Some can be a great help others a distraction. Maybe its my imagination but it seems if a man is on a mission to accomplish something the average woman wants to play headgames and be a pain because they want his undivided attention in worshipping her. It also seems if the man recognizes the games and trys ignores it she only ups the ante doing more and more silly sh*t.
You can feel more isolated married than you do while living alone
Never got in trouble being by myself. Hardly ever got in trouble outside of a city. I beg to differ with these "findings".
As usual, Dr. Shawn Smith, makes more sense than most people you could take life advice from. IMHO he is the single, most underrated person in his field of knowledge. I always recommend people in my circle to check him out. Keep up the good work both of you.
Now about my experience regarding the topic at hand, I'm not completely isolated but I don't spend time worrying about my life partner, because I don't have nor want one. I do spend a reasonable time chasing girls, but it's 30 minutes per day at the most. The end result is that I have a lot of free time, and in the beginning I just didn't know what to do with my time, to be honest. I engaged in hedonistic behavior and some other riskier activities and vices.
In the end, what worked for me was forcing me to engage into more business activities and creative endeavors, which are not mutually exclusive. Nowadays I am engaged in 8 different activities and I make my "salary" putting them all together and I waste absolutely no time doing anything that is not productive or really fun.
Anyone who robs you of happiness is a thief of joy. Doesn't matter if they are single, feminists, divorced, mentally ill, etc. everyone's idea of happiness is different. Isolation can be a good thing because the mindset of any person who wants to be successful will immediately figure out a way or a method to create something again and they need peace, away from peopling. Literally, people cause issues. Nobody wants another person with an ego to disturb your success mindset, right. Without being selfish here... if you wanted to have interruptions, then work in any office .... out there..
Well Said.....
Honestly I’m much better at resolving difficult situations efficiently on my own. When I was married and later in an LTR after my divorce it was much harder to make decisions without a lot of struggle (that’s my problem with my choices). I’m not isolated because I have plenty of contact with coworkers, people at the gym, or in my cycling club. I’m just trying to get my career, my money, and personal goals settled in the next 3 years. I don’t shut women off or pre judge but after some terrible mistakes I’m much more aware of who I am ( good and bad points I need to work on), what I need and won’t tolerate in a relationship, if I do that. Basically I’m working on trying to become the best version of myself for my well being ( to borrow from Rich) and trying to be as informed and educated as I can be if I decide to enter a relationship again.
A lot of women I've witnessed or been with will swear upon the importance of communication. Then they refuse to communicate and talk like an adult. I opt out.
No issue worse than a bad woman your in connection with daily...
At this point I’d rather have a relationship with a corpse than a woman. 😂
The callers can’t be concise in asking a question. They just waffle and go around the houses and never really get to the point. You can tell Rich loses patience and I don’t blame him.
Shawn, the term you had on the tip of your tongue I believe is solitary confinement. I have such an appreciation for your balanced perspective on the dynamic of social interaction & its integration with interpersonal relationships between men & women.
I read a quote recently that said, “the meaning of life is to give life meaning” and I think that’s what you expressed regarding your love for your dog, as well as the opportunity to be “seen” by your wife. That’s why isolation can be so detrimental: who will reflect back to us our areas for growth, if not the people the choose to keep closest to us? And whom are we choosing to hold dear?
The answer is not to shun connection, but rather cultivate our best selves so that we attract quality and accurate mirrors to our own relationship with ourselves. It’s like Rich often expresses, its not about avoidance, it’s about doing the inner work-and thus, our perceptions will invariably shift, ultimately reflecting in the world & people around us.
Thank you two for your quality, dynamic duo.
Kween[g]y Official well put
To each their own, I’ll take peace,serenity and solitude over dealing with others any day. People that know what feeling lonely is don’t understand the feeling of solitude and vise versa.
I’m alone most of the time besides my two faithful dogs. I never feel alone though. You just have to occupy your mind and your time.
I'm pushing 6 years of some self imposed isolation, and haven't dated in that time. It was definitely tough, but you have to be very hard on yourself to recognize when you slip into bad habits. Definitely not for everyone. Don't do it if you don't have at least one or two close friends for those times you start getting twitchy.
I’m glad to listen to caller at 58:00. My little sister was my favorite person to be around and talk to my entire life until she turned 20. Now she is exactly as described by the caller and claims to hate me but will never have a conversation explaining her reasons. It’s always personal attacks and eye rolls. I slowly realized this personality runs in my family and there’s no salvaging it anymore.
Listened to both the previous and this podcast. Lots of wisdom, so thanks! Hearing other people’s experiences along with the responses has made it clear to me that I should go monk mode when it comes to women. I’m almost done my degree, currently working as a programmer for a world-renowned game development studio. Despite more or less having my shit figured out, I have yet to find a woman my age who isn’t an energy vampire between debt and terrible mindset due to modern media. I once met an older women from a different country and she was the only girl to ever reciprocate. Moreover she enabled me (sadly she has to stay back there for quite some time). I’m just gonna lift weights, ride my bike, play sports, and maybe start my own game development studio until everyone else around me wakes up / someone comes my way.
My 2 cents is stay in the present and enjoy things for what they are instead of focusing on an outcome. If you dont extend yourself and do too much for them then what are you really losing if things don't work out? Date women, and learn what your faults are and how to be in a relationship so when you do find someone that you stay with long term (possibly) you will be more prepared.
Single and lovin it , do what i want , no worries ✌
Edward VP facts
Great guest. Really like his blend of realism and optimism
I have had relationships and I have had friends all of my life. It is only about a year ago that I went to India for a 3 months vacation and made up my mind to let go of all the losers and pseudo-friends in my life. I dont feel a need to speak to people or hang out with friends. People incessently talk too much yet say very little. On your own, you have time to read, learn, expand your mind and your field of interests. Society and 'other people' are highly overrated.
Whether or not you choose to chase women, once you manage to find your own brand of a solitary cave in the mountain that works for you, you begin to realize that modern life is indeed rubbish.
Amen brother!
Great podcast… i’m going through something similar so it was good to run into this podcast. Been working a lot through the holidays but on my days off i dont do much, and i dont have many friends in this town. I have a good relationship with my family but they are 12 hrs away. Fighting and pushing through it. 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽
I love living ALONE 💜
-Im never stressed
-I enjoy dating
-Pick and choose my holidays
-When I'm coming up to the end of my day at work I know I have a free house to myself no small talk.
-I find it easier to focus on Success and saving money
-I don't feel alone because I have friends and family close by if I feel like socializing.
-I can come and go as I please
- If I feel like booking a holiday and doing nothing all week nobody will know lol
-Do you count having your own kids round as being alone?I have them every other weekend so gets me out the house,explore nature etc
Well, you sound like a successful guy. Granted, very few do achieve it, all of us want it, most just won’t have the energies to grind through it all.
Shawn and Rich are badass together. Rich has the layman's spiel while Shawn has the textbook description. I can't believe this video has less than 40K views. People are missing out.
I've just finished a 4 year ltr but before that I was single for 3 years didn't do me no harm
I was in a 5yr ltr that was when my son was born. Been single 10yrs now dont really do friends much either at 46yo. I have not went crazy yet but I do get lonely sometimes. I will not give in to loneliness for a piece of shit women so I suspect I may even die alone. Sad thing is on the news the other night they said men who are alone die much earlier and men who have sex with a monogamous partner also live longer vs just pleasuring themselves or pump n dumps. I prey that the modern women change thier ways soon feminism is killing America!
I feel for you man ,get out more meet a woman and maintain frame play her at her own game
@@vapeking466
Rest your mind, all these studies are bunk. Correlation is not causation, and none of these studies ever bother separating factors such as smoking, eating junk food or exercising from what they are actually trying to weigh. What gets you in the end is stress,and you can get from being surrounded with people.
@@vapeking466 To combat loneliness, get a pet, go out in public and chat up some random strangers. A little social action can go a long way. Depends on the individual and if you can or how much isolation they can handle.
@@vapeking466 I think men that are single actually do riskier things than the stay at home guy with the wifey. The overweight married guy will probably die of heart disease - and the single guy prematurely on his motorcycle.
These risks (like for example becoming depressed) is exactly what holds people back leaving an unhealthy relationship. How do you overcome the fear of these kind of risks.
Love yourself, learn all you can, insight, Excercise creates natural endorphins which are an anti-depressant. Relax and focus on hobbies or trades you enjoy. Set goals for yourself, and achieve them.
It can be human nature to fear what you don't understand or what's unknown. Research all you can on what it is you fear.
Awareness helps with prevention. At the least, you'll learn tools to help combat what may make you susceptible and fear, mate.
There are times that solitude is good and necessary for mental health; especially if someone is an introvert and especially after a life event or experience that has drained you. Caring for an elderly family member who is now passed, caring for someone through cancer, divorce, personal illness or accident, etc...
I think what you or Dr. Shawn failed too tell people in this topic is - it is not so much isolation vs. non- isolation, but how long after the event (or time and circumstances in life that took all of your focus and attention) did it take you to move out of the isolation. If someone has emotionally or physically been through absolute hell...taking a bit of time for yourself to recalibrate is, again, absolutely beneficial!
Also, you should’ve stated the differences between COMPLETE isolation for prolonged periods (which would indicate a disorder of some sort) meaning no work, no relationships or friendships etc...from someone just keeping to themselves after a long day at work interacting with many people. Too many people try to suppress their desire to be alone after bad experiences and actually live in denial by self medicating with drugs or alcohol, jumping from one romantic relationship to the next, or taking on a million activities. Sure, they look like they are doing well to the outside world... and in the western world we have this idea that if you’re not engaged in something every god damn second of the day you are somehow a defective human (ridiculous). Not dealing with your shit by covering it up with being “social” is only going to catch up with you eventually, and it’s usually not pretty.
Why do you think most people in the western world are so much more unhappier, depressed, panicked, and downright suicidal than previous generations?? This idea of “keeping busy” and ignoring your needs is akin to “keeping up with the Jones’”. Again, the variable that Dr. Shawn never even brought up in an almost 2 hour talk is HOW LONG one is isolating themselves. Also...the time one isolates may be in direct correlation with the severity of the experience. And finally, IN WHAT WAY or WITH WHAT PEOPLE are they staying away from? Maybe a person who is divorced may not want to date for a while, but does interact with business associates, friends and family...so what’s the problem? Now if he never wants to date ever again, that may be a problem...but for a while, who cares? It hardly means they have a mental disorder.
I’m just saying certain variables matter. I think in the future you might be more helpful to people if you only take one or two calls (in the 90 minute show) and you and Dr. Shawn can then have more time to go into more detail. Not too mention 1/3 of the show then won’t be taken with people who call and ramble off topic.
Just realized you're doing podcasts. That's great man, I hit the notification bell and look forward to watching!
(Hopefully you'll be doing these a lot on the weekends!)
I worked alone for 8 years doing ebay...Since my fake green card wife vanished 9 months ago I have been in nearly complete isolation. It is not good for you. I am currently binge watching your videos. Its as close as I can get to someone to understand my situation with the narcissist/personality disorder psycho I was dealing with . Its like hanging out with guys who get it...
Solitude helps you find yourself, but you need balance. If you isolate yourself too much you'll lose yourself, if you focus too much on others you'll lose yourself. Be solitary with yourself and you'll find balance
Not many guys can handle total solitude. I live an hour from the nearest town. Heavily wooded area like I grew up in Montana as a kid. I dont use a computer of any type. Once every few months I turn on this phone an check things out. It reminds me every time why I chose to be solitary. Less bull, no drama, been at it for 12 yrs now. No mental issues that you gents speak of. Guess it depends on the person an their mind set. I dont sit in the dark an talk to myself. Lol. I enjoy my life. Simple is better, an profitable in many ways the average person doesn't seem to understand. Any guys enjoy. I got hides to tan from last winters trap line.
He's concerned about 2 months? I'm 27 and I've managed to avoid relationships for all these years. Other than a few week periods in primary school where I wanted a relationship, I've reasoned that there is nothing to be gained by having a relationship with a woman unless I'm actually having children. I still have plenty of time before having to find a suitable partner for having children, but I expect I'll need to test out the waters to know what actually works. Either way, not getting married, will consult a lawyer and draft cohabitation agreements, even once I buy an apartment she'll pay rent. Cohabitating is quite a hassle because it's hard to kick someone out, but you can kick out a bad tenant much easier.
Two people/brothers/good friends could buy an apartment each and then rent each apartment out to each other. The girlfriends in both separate apartments will be paying half the rent each. Any trouble, the 'Landlord' terminates the short term lease. Probably a tax break in there too.
Tom Leykis always said it’s important to live alone for a few years at least to find yourself but naturally most people are afraid of their own shadow. I love being alone. Personally I don’t do too well with groups. Too many opportunities to say something stupid or have awkward silences. The good thing about being a loner is in a group setting I can disappear and no one would even notice hahaha 🖖🏼
Rich your volume is too low relative to Sean. Hard to listen to.
Volume seems low.
Yes. I don't have time to rock the volume knob back and forth for an hour. Get a compressor.
He’s always got probs with his audio. 😂
Rich, a show on harnessing ADD & ADHD would be extreme. I have ADD and it always has a way of knocking me off frame!! It's a pain to live with :/
“When you choose isolation, you are inviting other problems into your life…”
Obviously people not in a relationship could be more likely to be depressed..... Reasoning: Break-ups suck
Being delusional and "happy" is worse than depression though. 😆
Unmarried with great friends and an apex to reach is fine. Isolation is soo peaceful to me.... Location location location.
If you don't like isolation then try Colonial Marines.
Or Alien Isolation for that matter ;-)
Paul Rybski that’s EXACTLY what came to mind 😂
Great listen, guys! Agency and purpose -- and true member checks. I was friends with the (late) Lionel Fisher and always recommend his book: Celebrating Time Alone: Stories of Splendid Solitude. It's a solid compliment to this episode.
I’ve lived alone for two years and love it after being married to a cluster B personality disorder woman for many years.
Great Information Guys. I'm 46 and still Learning about life. Thanks !
Once way to limit risk is only find woman who are happy to live apart they ARE out there esp the career type!!
"A general lack of meaning". If having a wife, children is your meaning then that's fine. I do it in other ways. I know the risks of being alone. I continue learning about them as I go. I still prefer it to the pain you feel after a ltr goes to shit or the risk of losing everything in a divorce. That's me though. Everyone needs to figure out what works for them.
Unless the children are from a previous relationship
That super chat caller was great.
I rejected 50 matches dated no one lol
holy smokes thats one beautiful room this fella has
Rich's volume is very low and sounds somewhat muddled. In a low volume environment the captions are the only manner I could understand. Great show nonetheless.
“Hell is other people”
Jean-Paul Sartre
God damn I would be such a better caller on this show.
Call in, then :)
this was a very good episode fellas, very eye opening
48 Laws of Power: Isolation is dangerous.
Finished that book about a month ago. Excellent book. You mite dig these 2 as well; The Unchained Man. Never Split the Difference.
What was the explanation
@@JolinHard if you isolate yourself you can't keep tabs on your enemies and can't make important connections with others that can help your business. Also you will be less socially calibrated
Hello Gents
What constitutes living in solitude/isolation? What about a single dad with full custody of your daughter? Isolated, or just looking out for more than just your own emotional risks?
If I remember correctly, it's called solitary confinement.
This was really useful, i watched and i think i might have ADD as well. Our country is small and not developed, so we don't really have specialist who diagnose or treat these things right . Also our country doesn't have the medicine that helps with this, we're underdeveloped when it comes to this. Any idea how to check if i really have ADD if there's no specialists here who check that? and if i do what could i do about it there's no medication like that in my country? Change the country? Move?
Save the Drama
For yo mama
Relationship Life Skills must be honed & maintained for daily living
16:13 , 39:40
The kid from Vegas made me stupid by listening to him..fyi
That kid was all over the place, gave me a headache.
You should be more stern with keeping caller queries more concise and relevant to the theme, Rich.
He probably doesn't want to scare people off from calling in
Alot of u don't get it.your comprehension god damn...they aren't saying being single is a bad thing. What they are saying is choosing to ISOLATE yourself is not good. U can be single and still have fucking friends.
Okay I'm going to be a hundred percent honest here about my life
I have mental illness, there is no question about it and runs on both sides of my family
There is nothing wrong with mental illness unless you make it a big fucking deal for them
Now with where we are in life
We did not use to have privileges
We once lived in fuckin institutions where our lives did not matter, not in the very fuckin least
Our lives did not matter
Our feelings never matter
And someone somewhere on the high end of the totem pole, seems to hate the mentally ill deeming all of us crazy, which is not always the case
We live in a world of standards, authoritarianism and of how a certain class of people should be perceived
I have social anxiety issues, trust issues and yes some paranoia only because I do see how the world for how it truly is
We will never be understood and always be seen as not good people, even seen as psychos, in some areas that's just not the case at all
Let alone we deal with people who discriminate us, our very existence and with how we live life or how the world placed upon us, we never know if we will be truly safe going out into the world
I want me and my sweetheart's son to go to a good school and willing to put everything into that to make sure he has a good, great life
I know there will be a day and a time he will understand how the world works, but for now, I just want our son Paul, to focus on Paul and of what he needs and wants out of his life and let him choose in whatever life he wants, to also figure out in who he wants to be we will always love and support him no matter what
It's hard to find love and understanding in people when a society already has judgements and discriminate the mentally Ill
Try to understand that
Decided to stop listening when they compared solidarity confinement and guys being in a dark cave to regular solitude. Maybe I’ll revisit later.
The following MUST be read in FULL context, but even if you're NOT said "Religious", there's something to be gleaned from the expressed opinions of others. Especially when we're HONESTLY telling ourselves we're taking RESPONSIBILITY for our INDIVIDUAL actions and responses to the world around us. The "Universal" need to discover the WHY in anything we do is where our Joy is either LOST or Stolen~
1 Cor 7:28
But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
NIV
🖖🏻
isolation can lead to behavioral sink evil thoughts and even cannibalism trust me it's a double edge sword it can help and also turn you into something much worse all it needs is time which is entirely cool if you live in an alien world like mars and have no human interaction you practically evolved to survive not good if your on earth...
I’ve got this craving for human meat now. Damn, too much isolation 😂
I'm honestly not buying into this theory at all.
Okay I got to make a quick quote here at 5:06, if you can't handle being alone, then you as a person need to work on handling on the feeling and difference, of what's alone and lonely, just cause your alone does not mean you are lonely and need to rely on others in order to be happy, that is not a strong asset to have, but very weak actually, meaning you can't handle being alone, you've got to grab that kind of mindset by the pussy in trump's terms basically and need to learn to handle things on your own
Cause if you rely on someone or something to just get something done.... it's like what are you doing with your life, where is your priorities, if you want something done you got to learn to do it yourself or the fact, not everyone on this planet grew up in a loving home let alone grew up completely alone
Everyone's situation in life is different and sometimes statistics are still trying to figure out statistics
Not everything in life has a fucking answer, sometimes you need to figure it out on your own and if you can't, well your going to get left behind
That's probably why mating is so fucking important cause those individuals realize they aren't going to make it which is understandable and just part of evolution
Not just that it's in humans nature to mate, a dicks craves a warm pussy and a pussy craves a life, it's just how it is
I just realized this guy actually kinda sounds like Steve-O.
"I need to be by myself for a while to work on my mission" sounds so cringey
I just gotta find me a real woman. I know she`s out there. In the meantime, things have been mounting up. Half a year ago I came under heavy prolonged pressure and broke. So in not too long time I will have to face some jailtime.
But I don`t think I`ll be meeting much women there neither...
I`ll probably meet her soon
I hear ya James, and thanks ofr the kind comment.
. I guess - I choose a way of life where there is no signs of an overpoulated planet with eight km`s to the store. So I hardly meet women who can mess up my life, nor make it better.
Wheter it a blessing or a curse.
I could live in a city again, but I would rather just build something here that makes people want to want visit, maybe even live here.
It a pretty wonderful part of the planet.
The creator knew man wasnt supposed to dwell alone. I suppose if you're sitting around watching porn all the time and stay busy with your life you get by without a woman haha. I think its definitely good to have a woman in your life, but never live with a woman unless youre married, or if you have your own place to escape to if things go south.
you ca get one who is hot and wife material. You have to be financially secure and good looking to her.
Shawn is totally wrong about Boulder. He is talking about the stereotype rather than the reality. The crazy left wing stuff is pretty much confined to the University. However, the town itself is upper middle class conservative. Most of the professors are very middle class and have many conservative values. Most of the students come from intact middle class families and have middle class values.
Boulder is my home town: I went to school, college and law school there. Most of the girls have strong values and actually are good wife material. Lower class guys will find these women frustrating because they are smarter and better educated than what they will find in lower class communities.
I did divorces in nearby Adams county, which basically is one big mobile home park. The people living there do not have strong values and engage in behavior which would be scandalous in Boulder.
A fair point. I've known conservative or middle-of-the-road guys who really struggle to meet women in Boulder, but it probably isn't fair to paint the whole town that way.