How to Stop Wasting Time in Dating
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- Опубліковано 5 вер 2024
- Have you ever dated someone who seems really into you . . . only for you to find yourself in a dead-end situationship where you just want to scream, “What are we?!” every time you’re together?
Turns out there is a solution for this (and you don’t need to be a mind reader).
In today’s video, I’ll show you some simple ways you can find out what your future would look like with someone-even early on in dating. You can watch the full video on my UA-cam channel now
#Shorts #MatthewHussey #DatingAdvice
You can have that conversation… and still don’t get an honest answer. We might just hear “what we want to hear” and still waste our time .
Very true we hear their sort of answers and take as affirmation that they're on the same page ... Rose tinted specs
@@juliafisher5844I call them love goggles. When you have them on you never see the truth of the situation.
Which then means taking time to understand yourself...it wouldn't be their fault to hear what you want to hear and not what they said.... and if it wasn't clear, it's still up to you to clarify...
My experience too.
When I read this comment, I immediately liked the comment and stopped listening to Matthew but then I got a nudge to keep going.
If they aren't ready, then they are not ready. Believe them and spend your time figuring out someone who is ready for what you want. It's still hard to figure out when 2 people want the same things. Life is shorter than you think. You will wish for more time with someone special..
True Then I pay attention to actions. If the actions don't show what we want, let it go.
@@Sherryqueenshevisions what if the actions show EXACTLY what you want but the words don't 😭🥲😅
@@frenchydomi3401 What is the saying? “Actions speak louder than words.”
People can say anything....they can tell you what you want to hear. It's their actions or inaction that's most important.
He's talking about the Court stage
@maryrice5873 This is true irregardless of what stage. People lie... in the beginning, middle, end stage... and beyond. Pay attention to their words and their actions. If the two don't line up... there's your answer.
I asked that question and was told he’s “ too unsettled “ to be in a relationship. So I walked away. Sucks because I honestly thought we had something going. Listen to Matthew’s advice!
A guu will not want a relationship with you because of your pretty smile. If one does that's just scary.
If you don't give him a reason to devote to you, he won't.
I've had that conversation pretty early on. It hurts, but it's gotten me a little more comfortable with being rejected. Also, it's really refreshing when someone's honest about their intentions.
Yeah this is why I don't waste my time in dating, a lot of men are not for committment they just want to get the benefits
Yup so many are like this. Only a few good ones out there
It's not only men.
A woman is doing this to me rn. She acts as if she's my girlfriend but says she "doesn't date." She gets VERYA jealous of other girls talking to me, yet dodges the topic of dating and commitment.
@@grremmy this is why it's important to ask such questions early in dating stage if you're not on the same page then you can easily leave, cuz a lot of people aren't ready for something serious or want to take things slow
@@Z-gg3fc when they're ready theyre ready
Yes . Many lost souls out there....sad...
Be careful and aware . Focus on red flags 🚩🚩🚩
This just happened to me. I finally called him out. He is not for the long hall. Now I am a soul again. I cried it out today. My time, money and effort of making it work. 😮
Remember too, actions speak louder than words. Be clear about what YOU want. Then pay attention to their ACTIONS. I just wasted almost a year with someone who said all kinds of things about our future that never happened, and that he wasn’t even working towards. In truth he was a lost puppy looking for someone to magically make his life work. It’s especially dangerous when they know “the lingo” and are going on about how their exes are narcissistic and they were always the victim, a good guy who never got a break. Well, guess what it takes two putting in the work for relationships to thrive. It’s not about finding the “right” person and then suddenly everything is going to be easy. Life isn’t easy.. That’s a fantasy.
I have a 3 month rule because a guy I dated that I should have kicked his butt to the curb but waited almost another 3 months which made it much worse for me. Never again.
This guy was a vampire in every sense of the word. I was physically, emotionally and spiritually drained by then. The stress of it all caused health issues as well.
In your 3-month rule, are you being intimate with him? Or do you want him to pass the 3 months before you become intimate with him?
I learned at 18 years old that 3 months is far than enough for a man to know if he wants to spend his life with you, marry you and so on... I always in later relationships knew this is not going to work but was choosing to stay longer for many reasons.... Know what you want and go for it....be focused
@@Tina-ng9up
Times have changed Tina. Men are now being discouraged from marrying.
@@azar1520 I became intimate with him and should not have. I felt pressured by him. I spent just shy of 6 months with him total.
@@azar1520How condescending 😕
They show us, but when we live in lack we refuse to see the truth. God forbid if we aren't able to meet someone else.
I try to ask all these important questions before I even agree to go on a date. Im not afraid of spoiling anything because if real genuine questions spoil the future with this person, it was never meant to be. There is no point in just having fun the first 6 weeks because society teaches us to keep it light and fun at the beginning. Why do I want to invest my feelings and time into enjoying a persons company to find out later that we do not align with each other's values, goals and intentions...🤔
I also always ask this question before a first date, but unfortunately they always lie to me and tell me whatever they think I want to hear.
If you were them to work for you in a job you would ask those deeper questions. The irony is we call it a date…it’s an interview…that doesn’t mean it can’t be romantic and fun. But if we don’t get the info up front, u will pay for it later! Like something as simple as what is a person’s definition of cheating…you can’t presume they have the same definition as you.
I always ask up front, they always say they want a long term relationship and then their commitment issues come up in 3 months and they leave or withdraw. You can ask, but most people just tell you want you want to hear until they get what they want.
It is an interview, and how I think of it now is "interviewing for a role". I know what I want and don't want and I'm being honest whether this person fits into that. Hopefully they are doing the same.
I have just wasted 15 years of my life with the wrong person and it is extremely sad that people choose to hurt the one that loves them unconditionally
What do you mean by wasted your time If you mean they wouldn’t marry you then you were foolish for giving them that many years of your life
It's really not a waste of time, it's vitally crucial to know whether or not that person your dating is not a narcissist or worse. Everyone puts their best foot forward and it's time and time alone that will show you what exactly your potentially dealing with and if you should run away or have a life with that person.
Yes but at least you have something to go by at first
@@maryrice5873 not until the real person comes out, until then it could be love bombing and once your hooked then the madness begins.
1. Intentions
2. Direction
3. Exclusivity
Or i did ask the questions, but he told me what I wanted to hear to get me… and then changes his mind on everything once we were married… bait and switch.
I did this with someone and got told they just wanted to be friends. I was annoyed but glad to find out early on
I ask them and they say they aren't ready to talk about that since they just met me. I am done with this man at that point
This world is filled with more people unprepared, than prepared. If everyone was mature enough and honest enough, we wouldn't search so hard for the right one. Don't give up. Be resilient and unwavering.
Just met a man that I couldn’t have found more attractive and shared more in common with, clicked on the first date and a second date followed quickly but then it became clear he only saw me for one thing (which we hadn’t even done). Cutting him off then was really difficult but always the right thing to do when your intentions don’t match because they show you what they want not tell you
@thematthewhussey strongly agree and dont afraid to ask, the problem is that they are also lying answering these questions and acting..
this works only if we assume that the other person will be honest. but if you're dealing with a narcissist... good luck😅
So true. Communication is vital in a Relationship.❤❤❤🎉
I had both, very honest and very dishonest answers. It depends on the person. But it’s certainly a very good advice. That’s why I’m still singe;) it seems people don’t even know what they want.
I believe if someone isnt willing to discuss these questions near the beginning and getting to know each other isn't ready for an exclusive relationship with me. Fear of rejection is no longer an excuse (reason) I use.
Well thats true. Thats why i would like to start with friendship because it helps to understand the person without being too direct about asking the set of questions. Now culture plays an important role thats why I have decided that I would rather choose a girl within the Chinese/ Taiwanese culture and then when the mutual feelings gets a bit serious we can start dating. From dating i will have the chance to see how she lives her life, so i can see if it matches my personality, expectations, and goals. I am very careful about relationships because some of the girls wants me for a wrong reason and their intentions doesn’t align with mine.
How do we not waste our time in dating? By not dating.
I swear in this day and age discernment is sooooo important to avoid time wasters lowkey casual dating. There are usually imperceptible things in what they say and do you just need to avoid being blind sighted
Multiple years of a presumably happy relationship doesn't sound like a waste of time. Plus people's intentions, ideas, goals and feelings can change
True , we are afraid to lose them...
Happens bc so many people are non-confrontational, and afraid of difficult conversations
Life is very simple .
Some of people makes it
look difficult .
People will change lanes on you with no signal whatsoever
. . . that's why you use the turn signals. . . and sometime the horn!
Yeah, well be careful guys. I took some time debating on whether or not I was comfortable with the idea of dating someone non exclusively, at least at first.
The concept was new to me, in 20 years since I had started dating, I had never dated more than one woman at a time, I had always finished one book before I picked up another if we can live with the metaphor. So when I found out she was going on another date it gave me some jealousy issues that I had to think through, like dating is looking for a partner, and if you have found one, why do you keep looking? Like clearly that must mean that she doesn't think this is going to go anywhere serious, etc etc. I had to discuss this with my therapist and really dig into the fact that it was my own issues causing the conflict and i should not be that way. So i got back in touch with her, and just simply working this out in my own mind, was enough for her to say "nevermind" about the relationship altogether. So, yeah, be aware that being open and honest about your feelings will probably end badly
I respect your self reflection and honesty though.I find it hard to date more than one person as well
Not a bad quality. I can see both sides. Odds are she was afraid to commit too soon in case you were the type of guy who plays women. A lot of women do this now because there are so many players out there. It doesn't mean she loved the other guy, it sounds like she might have just been trying to be careful. I'm sorry it didn't work out. Unless someone tells you they are not looking for anyone else, don't assume. Even if you have sex! Ask first. Of course people should tell you if they have other sexual partners, but it never hurts to ask.
@@MadisonEstes I don’t think she did anything wrong, I was just pointing out the fact that if I hadn’t brought up the spot of jealousy that I had to work through, things might have worked out. Because we had fun, we laughed and had a great time. The sex was great. We had a lot in common on that front too. But me being honest with her about my serial monogamy made things end. Just saying, keeping some shit to yourself has its benefits
Asking actually doesn’t make much of a difference either because 9 times out of 10 they will just keep leading you on, if you even have to ask them you really already have the answer.
I agree but sometimes how they react to answering the question and not their answer is the more valuable information you can get from them.
@@lulusworld2703true…
Yep it doesn’t take that long to figure it out if you are compatible or not when you asked the right questions and you know what you want. For me, 6months tops I at least know we are both heading to the same direction. Sometimes 2 dates are enough for me to understand if he’s the right fit or not. Communication is definitely a key. Focus on their actions and not just their words. Be wise and stand your ground ❤
Someone must show high interest and then once mutual it’s a fit . Once it changes it’s over
Even if u ask. They gonna tell u lies. Like m on the same page. And they act like assholes
Also look at their actions yall! It’s not just what they say, I’m sorry.
People today enjoy meeting many people at the same time. They have that possibility and they want to use it. In particular young people. They want to have different experiences and exclusive relationships are not an option.
Make it simple choose the person who chooses you dump the rest
Did that, conspired against my time, but it was worth every second until the end
I’m looking forward to find a girlfriend. I just had confidence. I believe that if it’s the right time to ask what they want to do or when do you want to invite them it just depends on the schedule we make. I say Love attracts Love ❤❤
I ask all these questions…. 8 years since ex husband and an unplanned (but exquisite and best gift child later), I’m still single and asking…. I refuse to settle as I want to teach my child healthy relationships not halfway in between. Love your channel ❤
Or we do ask those questions and then they change their mind 4 years later.
Which happens ... nothing is ever cast in stone... you may be the one asking the questions and it's your mind that changes 4 years later...
I ask these questions early... my time over 55 is valuable.
Many times we know and sense their intentions are not the same, but we don't ask cause we don't want to be alone, so we betray ourselves continually staying in something not aligned with our desire.
How to stop wasting time: Don't date an Avoidant or Narcissist.
* Fwiw, I'm educated about the above in both a general & clinical sense & disagree with using labels simply bc they're trendy topics. Many people have traits without having a personality disorder, but if you see red flags & continue to have difficulty in areas of your relationship, it's a good idea to get informed - it'll help you cope/move on if nothing else, and hopefully spare yourself years of stress & wasted time/effort. These types don't change unless they really want to & are able make counseling (& YOU) a priority. Remember, it's them, not you. You are worthy of respect & honest communication. ❤
Wow! Beautifully said!
By opening the door to real conversation and stop refusing to talk to me every time I call
Why haven't I come across this video before? None of my relationships worked so far after years of dating, I couldn't balance my personal and professional life and got carried away!! Still single and not married!!😢
Amen. Blessings love light and peace. Belief. Affirmed. Trust. Claimed. Love. Manifested. ❤❤
According to Islam, we shouldn’t get into a romantic relationship with someone we are not married to.
الحَمدُ لله
. The father of the girl talks and investigates about the potential bridegroom. The boy and girl talk about the important topics in the presence of the girl’s father or brother etc.
الحَمدُ لله
. Men are able to understand many of the actions of certain men,
الحَمدُ لله
.
It does not say that. Okay, you shouldn't go into a 'physical' relationship with someone before marriage. Is it okay, let's say four years down the marriage line, that person never wanted to be in a committed relationship with someone in the first place, and they just did it to tick a box?
Stupid fathers are abundant. So this cannot be applied in all cases.
You are privileged to have a dad like you did
Same in my country, but nowadays they're copying the west women are getting liberated especially the lower sector, it's from social media
I realize now that, really if you have to ask that question you already had the answers you were looking for.
so true!! ty Matthew - can't wait to read your book!
💯% TRUE‼️
He lied to me on date 1. Then I found out 1.5 months later he’s moving to NY in a month’s time. If I didn’t ask again, I wouldn’t have ever found out
I was cowardly and lied even though I loved her. The truth came out in the end to bite me. I traded short term discomfort for long term pain
Such a good point
I asked these questions several times. But then he said "I thought I was ready for a relationship but I am not"
Should just go along smoothly if it doesn’t there’s something wrong
I do ask i broke it off with him last night as we couldnt commit this dude didnt vslue2me so i value myself more
I learned this the hard way
We became the theft of our own time out of fear.. wow
How to detach feelings from someone? Any advise? Thanks
Thanks Matt
It is so scary to ask though. Especially a friend..that you really like.
Matthew, this needs attention: I just started the video about texting. WHY wouldn't YT allow me to leave a comment? I checked the description, etc & nowhere did it state comments were turned off. Is there a new algorithm or setting I'm missing?
Yeah - I wasted 8 years of my Life, being in a relationship or I guess it was just a situationship. I was asking questions, making clear I want to marry - want to have kids. He always said "I dont want to talk about it right know, I have a headdache" or something like that.
When I wouldn`t accept this avoiding behavior anymore, saying we really need to talk about it now he told me he thinks It might be better If I move out, we can still meet at the weekends but living together "is just not his thing" and he never wanted to marry or have kids.
I left him but I am heart broken, feel some sort of burning hate because I feel tricked, he stole so much of my time but the worst part ist that I let him even though I always had this feeling that he doesnt want to make next steps. But he always blamed me for being not ready, demanded things like joining him on family Events where I hated to go to - I did everything even though I felt uncomfortable , hoping it would led to us getting married someday and here we are now.
Dont get me wrong I am glad its over but I cant describe the pain that I feel about loosing so much time, loosing the trust in myself to walk away when I should and for Leitung someone treat me like this.
Look at how they move, not what they say. Then your time won’t be wasted 😊
So, in general, when is the right time? Obviously, this can be different for everyone. But, is there a general "minimum" to "maximum" that is acceptable?
I think the general timeframe is a few months, though if you ask me, even that's too long. I think the first few dates are appropriate for asking someone what they're looking for.
@@cornwallismorgan874 Agreed. My cutoff would be no more than 3 months. But, I've heard so
many people weigh in on this. Or offer their own experiences, that there seems to be a lack of consistency with anyone. And more like luck.
@@Dragonmoon8526 Exactly. My own lack of consistency comes from the fact that they lie about what they want just so they can date me. So she'll say she wants the same thing I do and then hit me with what she actually wants down the line and dump me.
❤ so true
It’s because the conversation isn’t significant. It’s a status-check. I ask the question in the beginning and don’t take it much into account. The status of a relationship isn’t based on a question or ‘words.’ Intentions change, if they want to change and leave they will do that convo or NOT.
I don’t think it’s significant because it’s NOT wasting my time if they’re not ready. Even if I desire a relationship, it’s not like I’m actively trying to get in one at every day. So, why not just accept they’re not ready, keep spending time with them, and hoping they eventually are ready??
If you were to ask at a moment that disrupts the flow, then who knows… you may have just screwed up having a potential life partner if only you had never had that convo or had just waited.
I mean either way, I’m going to be spending my time with someone if not her, so why not her, and wait?
Almost 3 and a half yrs & I’m not young. Totally not going anywhere even thought we were totally exclusive form the beginning…I’m sad but I won’t do that again. I’ll ask the hard questions within 3 -6 months
I ask up front what you're looking for? Of course I could be being fed lies but I ask. You have to be friends first and laughter. You either match or not.
Exactly 💯
Even a good man will waste your time for as long as you let him. I won't go steady. He's either in love or he's not, & he's got a total of 6 months to propose.
Ive been doing this and recently i just felt betrayed. Did tell me he is dating me to be in serious relationship/as a partner in life when we used to flirt and all ended up to be that he wasn’t ready after a while of dating
They say we just met. And you tell them yes, Duh, I'm asking you what you want in a relationship. Not with me specifically as we just met, but I would like to know our long-term visions for dating, whether it's each other or others, align. You still don't get an answer. They make you think you are crazy. 😊
I'd rather know right now than later
I did all of this and have scared a few people lol husband material is like cancer in the dating scene in the late 30’s
Lol you change your mindset and stop caring about what other people think. Rather go invest in yourself.
I am enjoying your company
I'm not scared anymore ❤
I wasted one whole year and all my emotional energy on a person that was just stringing me along
True true true true true!!! 🙌🏻
yeah don't have anything to do with dating.
Only make yourself available to one man who is wanting to commit through to marriage!
Only be willing for him to court you, or make yourself N/A to him in any other way!
Either he wants to be exclusive to you fully or give him the cold shoulder, cause otherwise he is just a user and a player!!!
There's an old saying dot ask the question you don't want the answer to
Yes. You like them sometimes for the Wrong reasons.
I've got to get a date first, before I even get this far....
That is wasting another persons time and life bcos of your fears and then all the liesdrag on
And sometimes they lie or suddenly change their mind and "are not emotionally ready." It's happened several times and I still ask but when people lie so damn much, what is the point?
date a dutch guy😊 i once dated a dutch guy and we talked frankly about our intentions on the first date and parted our ways😂
fr tho😔💔
Plot twist some me lie about their intentions, some men lie to themselves about their intentions
Well its not really wasting your time unless you want to get married and have kids . Because if we are enjoying each other it was nit wasted. But it is not sustainable for sure !
SO TRUE
Tell the truth and no witholding information
I had in relationship for fews months it very bad wasting 😢my time.
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️❤️your right sir matt