Healing vs. Retaliation: Surviving Trauma and Sexual Abuse | Peter and Adenike Harris | TEDxPasadena
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- Опубліковано 1 жов 2024
- When the tragedy of sexual abuse struck Peter (“Pops”) and his daughter Adenike (“Ade”), they were faced with two life-altering paths: retaliate against Ade’s stepfather who had repeatedly sexually assaulted her from the time she was fourteen, or choose to strengthen their own relationship. Together, the two worked to create an inspiring system of support for one another that will change the way you think about love. Affectionately known as “Popsnade,” the father/daughter allies challenge, “What do you need to begin your healing foundation? Therapy? Non-abusive allies? Whatever you choose, it will require that you dig in. It hurts, it’s tough, and it is a consistent lifestyle change. But it is so worth it.”
Peter and Adenike Harris, also known as Pops‘nAde, provide practical and loving lessons learned from years of courageous “call-and-response” dialogue that helped them heal in the years after Adenike revealed her stepfather had sexually abused her from the ages of 14 to 22. In the spirit of Lift Every Voice and Sing, Pops‘nAde reveal how they became thriving survivors through tears, candor, imagination, and even hard-won laughter. Pops‘nAde are 21st Century Conversation Starters and Healing Partners with a dynamic message: “We’re all worth healing and no silence is good that keeps you from talking to people who can help you.” Pops‘nAde are living examples, whose powerful service offers a roadmap to rich, loving, and inspiring non-abusive relationships. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
What I get tired of people telling us is to move on. Forget about it when they have no idea how hard it is and that people heal differently
You may not want to hear it but, take it from me, facing it and moving on is the best. Better than years of rehashing it in therapy. God can help you.
I’m glad they will never have to understand and am so thankful for the ones that do understand
@@myyoutubeaccount12111 I’m actually doing a whole lot better now that time has passed
@@miarideout5401 sooooo happy to hear that. ❤️❤️
I’m glad you are doing better. I used to be so angry about it, then I started living in the present, and not looking back on it. That helped.
"My daughter asked me to be my daddy not my avenger" that spoke volumes
I would want someone to be my avenger to prove they valued my life. I might not want a close relationship to be sacrificed this way, but the lazy complacent authorities could prove they give a damn about the reason they exist in the first place.
Not 😢all people have this father!
@@kristinmeyer489 I'm not saying that they shouldn't do anything to get u justice but the reality is that in our world especially focus a lot on the culprit in a way that it overshadows the victims mental health.
It's so unique to hear a father's perspective. It's really brave to assist a daughter's healing.
@@Truthseeker7771000 It is natural of a true father and still very honorable. Amazing, actually.
@@Truthseeker7771000 I didn't disagree.
As a man, I give this man credit for standing down and listening to his daughter. I often wonder if I would be able to do the same thing if something ever happened to my goddaughter.
You have to
@@MeruJoy yes
My father couldn’t hear any healing . He believed full silence and just put up with it
This is a story that needs to be told in our community so that our women and men can begin the healing that is necessary for our community to thrive in unity; men and women living in community together without the conflicts and contradictions that come from trauma that has been silenced by fear and stigma. Although vengeance wasn't enacted here I would have like to see some restorative justrice intervention that would held the abuser to account.
Hearing “you’ve reclaimed your life now live your life” immediately put tears in my eyes it’s something I didn’t know I needed to hear
I’m happy you had support through this! My family doesn’t care...
Sommi T do you have someone to talk to ? Therapist?
I'm sorry you're not feeling supported Sommi T. and hope you're seeking support. I, too am grateful for Pops'Ade's example for what is possible.
It's a challenge to reach out for help when those who're closest to you become more of a barrier to healing.
It may not be easy, yet it can get better with the right support and redeveloping trust with yourself. 🙏💕
I am Here for you
I care and I love you 💕 my you truthfully heal.
Same here we can support each other if you like most times it seems like that but if you keep it a secret no one will know it’s not that they don’t care and if so it still made us better people
"Healing cannot be rushed" 🌱 Extremely powerful. Btw love, those men lost out on a beautiful, intelligent young woman.
I’m sobbing. Thank you! I haven’t told my father yet and I’m terrified. I don’t want him to blame himself. He’s an amazing person. I love him so f*cking much. I don’t know how I’m going to tell him but I will. 💕
They will always react that way because they love us. He will do what you tell him will work best to heal you. I love you, fam. God bless you.
Yes Girl.
You CAN do this and you are strong. You are a survivor, not a victim anymore, just decide and you got support!!!
Have u told ?? No offense if u don't want to share.
👍🏻
The light of these two shines through my screen right into my heart. What a great father and what a strong beautiful woman. I wish her love and healing.
Thank you Sister! And your Dad! I'm finally going through the process of convicting my Stepfather and my own Dad is my biggest supporter.
Ilana Mumia how did the conviction go? Is it a long process I to am thinking of pressing charges on my abuser. But I really dread the process..
Awww
This is so sad
"My father reset the standard of masculine connection and communication in my life" Wow powerful!!
Thank you dad. My father is gone now. He helped me try to prosecute my mothers boyfriend. Law enforcement made up for another officer's lack of training.
I'm okay. Days are hard but I lived my life without the shadow of his ugliness. Every good day. Free day from oppression is a victory. I had a happiness those criminals will never know again.
You both are amazing role models full of courage. Thank you for sharing your story
when she said " my experience is not unusual " 💔💔💔💔
You don't need to keep going, you need for the world to stop with you.
Telling a victim/survivor to "move on" is just a "nice" version of "don't bother me with your problems", which only shows complete and utter lack of care for the other person's internal experience and wellbeing.
I am looking for my "ride and live" partner!
Please don’t look for it and be it yourself to yourself 💗
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you, Daddy, for listening to your daughter. I told my daughter , after being violated, you were victimized but you are NOT a victim today. Your message was powerful!
Had to pause halfway and cry a bit. Definitely stirred up lots of emotions and repressed stuff. Really inspiring message. Definitely looking at things better.
It's a good thing they have this but I feel jealous of their relationship and it hurts. My dad didn't take it well and was more angry at me than the guy who drugged me, especially when his girlfriend suggested that I had an agenda and he started bringing his preferential treatment for his gf into my healing process. Everyone keeps telling me to forgive forgive forgive but I feel like I'm being stolen from again when people take my anger away too. It'll fade with time but I'm scared to go through this whole healing process for the 3rd time.
I'm in this weird stage where I only trust people who are angry with me and feed my anger and I'm not ok with it, this isnt who I am.
These comments are so supportive and loving. Tbh im starting to believe predators seek out good hearted people on purpose.
Choosing to be well. Thank you both.
Super proud of her dad! Let the cops do their job, even though it’s hard. He’s a great dad!
They hardly do nada
This was exactly what I needed to hear. I know my bio father, who I have nothing to do with, will not be my rider and live buddy. However, I have a beautiful friend who is by my side! I’m saddened that I had no family member who thought I was worthy enough to get angry, saddened over, or want to hurt my predator. I wouldn’t want them to act on it but to atleast feel angry or hurt for me, instead of silence. I know Jesus Christ loves me and was/is saddened for me. I am now starting to heal
Sending you love my dear Sibling in Christ!!! 💖💖💖💖💖💖
That was abSOlutely masterful. Your choosing TO BE well, is the reflection of GAWD WORKING THROUGH ALL HUMANS. Thank youse for witnessing and testifying on the POWER OF POSSIBILITY~
Powerful!! I am so proud of Adenike!!! Honored to call you sister-friend!!
Way to go girl! I'm a survivor too! I chose to be well also, without help from family.
Simply amazing and eloquent!! Thank you both so much pops n Ade.
What a beautiful relationship between this daughter and father, and a great story of redemption, love and healing. They both have an amazing presence.
They are both such a beautiful depiction of kindness, healing and bravery. They turned this into such an empowering story of what the human experience can be
so beautiful to see this two. my father was always the kindest and most supportive person in my life, you just remembered me that
Beautiful does not describe this💕💕💕💕 You will never know the courage listening to this gave me...
Wow! So empowering! Thank you for helping me live through this... so I might help my child heal as this father did.
poignant and powerful telling of the journey!!! thank you!!! especially for your use of art as tool for healing
For all men out there’s. You are not alone. I survived and you will too. Stay strong
I love you both 💗 I prayed for a parent like him to protect me. Thank u for listening to her. I will continue to pray for the right person to come into my life that will hear my heart and not just my story.
Thanks for sharing even hearing a father standing with his daughter throught this difficult times says to us who have been abused that all men are not beast but there is still good fathers
How he looks at her while they recall the memory..felt the love between them! Beautiful 💕
This was so powerful and healing... thank you for sharing 💗 To see such a genuine and authentic relationship between a daughter and father is something new for me. So grateful to know it’s possible 💞
This was so beautiful. As a father myself watching him grow along with you during your time of crisis and being not only your dad but a friend also is amazing. I love this. I pray for continued guidance, healing and strength for the both of you.
Such a powerful, important healing story! Thank you ❤
This young lady is amazing. Peter's perspective and choice to stand down is amazing.
Gf went through stuff like this, so I'm about to watch all of the videos so I can try to help her with it
Thats amazing!
so powerful. thank you
I'm crying as I watch this and feel a sense of releif from not being alone. It is so important to choose with whom to share right. You absolutely right.
still healing … my anger has gotten worse .. on Dec 20 .. it will officially be 1 year since it happened… I’m trying .. it’s hard . But I’ll keep trying and trying till I reach for the light at the end
So powerful. The energy they are radiating is incredible. So much honesty, vulnerability and connection. Thank you, it’s healing me.
Beautiful woman
😭😭😭😭😭 So moving and powerful. I wish I had someone like this in my life, when I was experiencing and healing from my SA trauma.
This is an amazing story❤️ my family tells me not to talk about it because people won't understand and they will just look down upon me.... Those I have chosen to lean on have been amazing
I love this and I love you both! I have watched this three times and each time I've heard something that I hadn't heard before. The reminder of having a choice always sticks out. I love you Ade.
This talk was beautiful, powerful, and empowering for me. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for living an example I hope more can benefit from witnessing and following. Moving and beautiful - filled with serious surrender, call and response to action, engaging full attention to connective communication........let alone all the attention taken for self-care - with individual and mutually unifying work focusing on the deepest, most honest, integrity, love and hope.
All that journeying in one lifetime. Beyond inspiring.
Thank you for sharing - together - the story of your journey together. It's also rare to get a glimpse of the perspective of someone whose friend or loved one has experienced such a violation. It's wonderful to be reminded that the journey of healing for each person is unique. A powerful telling of your opening, your imagining, your choosing, your moving through, your reclamation.
That man is strong and so is she. She ia beautiful
I’m so happy they found their path to healing and recommitting to the father/daughter bond. Thank you sharing such a difficult piece of your life, it’s inspiring and encouraging for those dealing with same or similar issues. God bless the rest of your journey collectively and individually.
So glad for you Ade
u are not defined by the worst that you’ve experienced
John3v16 John10v10 John10v30 Acts2v21 1john4v4 exoda20 entire chapter hosea4v6 Matthew 6v33 John14v6 Revelation 12v11 AMEN
Still mining the Genetic Dancers legacy, Peter Harris is a treasure. GWC Museum at Tuskegee is indeed inspiring. Carver, like P&A, survived and triumphed.
This is the most beautiful TedTalk that I've ever seen
What a profound story thank you for finding the courage to speak out on your pain an anguish we all go through things in life but we never know that the same thing God will lead us to build us up😊❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Finding the right people to journey with me is the most painful traumatic and exhausting experience that it makes healing harder to gain
Empathy for your experience. Awesome unity of you both and effective presentation!
Both my parents shut me down
That is not okay! You are not alone, I hear you ♥️
Mines too😔
Adenike, I wish you so much love and joy for the rest of your life. Your dad is amazing. I still miss my dad who died twelve years ago.
Thank you both for sharing your story. How powerful it is to have your father stand beside you ❤
Thank you for sharing. Very uplifting and encouraging. Kept the focus on you. Amazing.
💚 this. Thank you
I filed a police report and the police department said they were too busy with other cases and since I was no longer living with my abuser they dropped the case.
The audience laughter was inappropriate
It’s a blessing you had/have support . My uncle got away with so you’re lucky ! I’m happy for you
amazing healing
Question. What do I do if my own son touched my daughter but my mom keeps it a secret? Same way she knew about my perpetrator but called me names? I’m so confused. I want to take her to the Steve wilkos show for exposure but I know that it would come from hurt on my side and revenge.
Omg im crying ! You both are really amazing 😭💕 thanks for sharing 🙏🏻
My heart is with you Adenike - and Pops in your support of your daughter. Thank you wholeheartedly for your honesty and wisdom.
This is the most genuine bond I've ever seen!
Extremely emotionally and wise people, thank you both for your talk.
Beautiful lady
32 yrs old and still holding on to this I just want to have my peace without being told i broke up someone home .
WOW!! Bravo!! I watched from beginning to end then repeated. Very 'productive' for me. Thank you!!
I love their similar mannerisms 😂
This is very strong and fascinating... Thanks for that story 🙏
Your lucky to have a dad who cares, my dad says ignore him and move on, move forward 😢
Beautiful 🙏🏾
Tears. Appreciation.
thank you both for sharing your story. never cried so much during a Tedx Talks. I needed this. thank you.
Almost all people I tell they are not even my friends anymore.
I m in tears listening their talk
Heartwrenching, lovely and inspirational all at once. Delivered by two honorable and courageous individuals.
This was amazing! I love pops ❤everyone needs someone like him in their days ❤
This is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing!
This really touched my heart. Thank you so much for sharing your story
Magnificent and Powerful. Thanks to you both.
I wish the audience would be quiet
"to be her daddy and not her avenger" wow
I'm sorry but this didn't help. It was just your story told in many circles. No real substantive advice. And what of those of us who don't have fathers in our lives?? It was just a huge "I love you" and should've been called my Dad helped me work through trauma. It really wasn't Ted talk material. Sorry. Glad you are doing well and hopefully it was cathartic to you so that there is some point to it.
It’s their story to tell not yours!
She gave you solutions on how to heal with her dads voice, and support. You’re not reading between the lines.
Therapy is basically “talking it out” he LISTENED what don’t you understand about that advice?
Thank you so much, all the best xxx
I love this father
I’m crying, so beautiful