Should Maggie Take Zach's Last Name? - You Can Sit With Us Ep. 50
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- Опубліковано 28 сер 2024
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YOU CAN SIT WITH US
Maggie, Becky, and Ariel are your new best friends. In their weekly podcast they dive into female friendships, current events, and what's going on in their lives. Sit down with them, and enjoy!
MUSIC
Licensed from AudioNetwork
PODCAST PRODUCER
Miles Bonsignore
I appreciate Rachel’s ability to share her opinion regardless of what the other women feel. She’s so authentic and real about who she is and how she feels.
Let's be honest we all want to have Rachel's stern principle and realness
@@arielle.notthemermaid She’s an incredible woman!
Truly. She's an absolute role model to me just from the brief snippets of what she's shared over the course of YCSWU. Rachel, if you can read this...you are just **chefs kiss** of a human.
Totally! I concur..."irregardless" the response from others... lol
Dude, Miles.... way to mean girl it!!! Lol I often use it when i'm using voice to text and I know it is always texted ... these are literally literary fauxpaus! (See I think I might have screwed this word up too.)
Hell yes. I changed my surname when I got married and it worked for my life but I completely love how clearly she states her opinion and why her decision is so sensible and works for her. It gives young girls an idea that you don’t have to do it any which way. What Maggie adds about considering family names, or the context of how old you are when you get married.. all are valid things to consider, and I hope people listening who might be confronted with the decision think about it some more.
If Rachel resonates with you and you don’t want to share a family name it’s absolutely an okay thing to do that could make you happy! Love that women are talking about this more critically
I legit CHEERED when Rachel explained why she didn't change her surname. I agree with her 100%!
Someone needs to transcribe it cause it’s exactly how I feel about it too.
Your name is your dads name. Guess what. You didnt CREATED ur own last name.
@@rayazip Neither did any of the men. It's still a part of a person's identify.
The whole time Ariel and Becky were talking I was thinking “Hell no I’m not changing MY damn name” Thank you Rachel!
Honestly if my future partners last name is cool i would totes change my last name but i think that i would probably make my last name hyphenated because it is still a part of me
@Alicia en el Pais de las Maravillas Yeah! My husband's last name is Johnson so there was no way I was going to take that and then have to give our kids weird unusual first names. He's had so so many inconveniences like Becky because of having one of the most common names ever (william johnson). He was happy to take mine and we both became last name A -last name B.
I love Rachael's beliefs on not changing your last name after marriage and I completely understand Becky's stance as well since my names are common which is why I'll change it when my BF and I got married, otherwise I wouldn't change it one bit.
RACHEL ANN COLE IS A MFing QUEEN. WE STAN
I want this merch
The most feminist take you can have on this is letting women do whatever the hell they wanna do with their last name. Some days I feel like Rachel and want to keep my name, but other days I feel like Ariel and want to make it easier to read. If anybody shames anybody for what they choose to do when they get married, I think they're being an asshole.
the most feminist take is what you said BUT going a step further to factor in & question the societal factors that influence girls & women to make their choices.
@@zaink.7243 no I definitely agree. It’s good to look at where these traditions came from and how women can feel pressure to continue them
haha i was just reading this comment and thinking yup totally agree then I saw we have the same name lmao
@@makayla4292 i love that for us
@@zaink.7243 I absolutely agree! I think the fact that Ned's experience was "weird" because his friends didn't understand why his mom would keep her name which caused Ariel to take his goes along with the societal pressure to always take the man's name (and have your kids take his name as well, because they could have easily done a hyphen so that the kids could have both of their names). Her feeling uncomfortable deviating from the societal norms like that is proof that it's still an issue.
I dunno, Margaret Angela Camina Bustamante-Kornfeld is a powerful name. Long, but sounds very impressive 😂
It seems like the female version of Estaban Julio Ricardo De La Rosa Ramirez, and I am here for it :)
It’s beautiful.
Right? It's a name that tells a strong story. But whatever Maggie chooses, we're here for it!
reminds me of spy kids 😂
I LOVE it
LOVED Emma Watson's take on the concept of bad feminism: ''Feminism isn't a stick to beat other women with.'' The entire point of feminism is freedom to do what you want because you want it! I'm with Rachel on this, but I also think that you should change your name if that's what you want to do!! You don't need to justify yourself or explain anything to anyone, it's your choice and your decision!!
Absolutely! You don't have to justify your decisions to anyone else. This is (and should be) your own choice and your own decision.
100% agree 😊 I'm going to change my name as soon as I get married because my current last name sucks so bad and it'd a great excuse haha 😂 (I love it's my decision to make!)
I love Rachel’s take on this. It is your IDENTITY, the name you were born with given to you by your parents. I love my husband to bits, but will not change my surname at all! If you ask the why behind this tradition - the roots are murky and completely patriarchal in nature. I’m glad women like Rachel exist who are trying to normalize this.. mad love to her😍
Ditto. She has the enlightened/educated perspective.
SHE'S MOTHER EFFING RACHEL ANN(E) COLE!!! (not sure how she spells it!)
Wait...is her husband's name Watts Watson?
@@onwardswegoforward lol no pretty sure it's Justin Watson she just calls him that
@@onwardswegoforward no haha his first name is Justin I'm pretty sure Rachel just calls him Watts as a nickname
Love that Miles asked if Ned thought about taking Ariel’s family name.
Yeah, and it's exactly what I was thinking too!
I love how Rachel was so passionate about this. No shade to the other ladies it's 100% your choice whatever you do. I knew from a very young age I would not change my name whenever I got married. Keep your name if you want to, normalize not changing your name when you get married, it's antiquated, kill the patriarchy.
I told my Bf when we get married I'll keep my last name - for convenience and for identity- and he becames so sad that I dont want his last name. He's a good guy and not patriarchial at all. He lets me do what ever I want but this one makes him sad. 😂😂
So the win win situation is do the hyphen thing.
The problem with saying “keep your name, kill the patriarchy” is that it makes it seem like there’s a right and a wrong and makes those who changed their name seem like they’re a bad feminist (which is why the person was asking in the first place).
Nah. I cannot wait to have the most "boring" surname (Smith) when I get married to my partner. Then I'll be untethered from my father and his family forever.
@@tracybeeeee What about your mother's last name?
@@gabbym333 it's Dutch. And she's married to the man who abused me for 9 years.
The amount of times I watched Rachel say "hell NO i didn't change my name!" is STAGGERING! What an ICON!
I took my husbands last name to separate myself from my abusive father and his family. I was upset because I had to change all of my legal documents and stuff and it felt like I lost a little part of myself, but ultimately I feel so much better with my husbands surname and without the constant reminder of my father every time I see my name.
Bless you! I hope the nightmare of being reminded of your father and his family will stop soon.
@@christinelim7703 doing so much better these days, thank you xx
Changing your surname is a great idea in my opinion! I hope you're doing better now! :)
I think this is definitely a valid reason to change a last name. I am the opposite I am keeping mine because I happen to have my mother’s last name and I want to keep her and my family’s memory alive.
I changed my last name for the same reason. I felt so much better being able to remove myself from that side of my family officially
my girlfriend and i have been talking about what we should do with the last name and we have decided to both drop our current last names. It felt weird for one of us to give it up and the other to get to keep it, but for the same reasons Ariel said, we want to have the same last name. So we decided to take her grandparents last name! (Her mom’s maiden name) because her grandparents have been so supportive of us and mean the world to her. So it was our way of compromising while honoring people who are important to us!
That's so sweet! Congrats and best wishes for your future together 💖
this is really beautiful!!
This is so wholesome🥺 I hoped to see one person take a new name!
Awww that’s a beautiful story!
I'm with Rachel on a lot of this... the thing about being sent mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs. HisName HisLastName is annoying AF. I'm my own person, I have a name, and ugh.... Lol
I never understood that when I saw that in Hollywood films, as far as I know that’s not a thing where I live (the Netherlands). Like when a couple is announced in a wedding as mr and mrs John Smith. Ugh, where is her identity?? Does it still happen like that in weddings?
@@le_lilalotje7834 Yes, in a lot of traditions. But, as a clergy person, I am part of a church that doesn't "give away" the bride, and sure as heck doesn't end the service with "I now pronounce you man and wife," or reintroduce the couple as "Mr. And Mrs. HisLastName." We stripped out the "obey" crap, the parents approval bit, and anything to do with submission to the dude. I have also point blank refused to do a wedding where the husband to be told me to add it in (the gall!).
I get professional correspondence inviting "Rev and Mrs. Patterson" to events. I'm the Rev, and not a mrs. It should read "Rev. Patterson and her cats."
Yeah, I didn't change my name when I got married, but I'll answer to "Mrs. X" (my husband's last name). And no, changing your last name doesn't mean you're a "bad" feminist.
If i invite a family id address it as (my acquintance name)'s family. So if im friends with the wife id address it to her family
Rachel's energy from 14:52 - 15:11 is legendary
I'm a trans man. My wife's first name is my dead name (yeah what a coincidence, I'll never escape that name), but it's actually fine because now I just think of it as her name, as if it never was my name. But also, that's why she didn't take my last name when we got married. She would have literally had my full old name. That was just a bit too weird for us. ;)
I feel you, at least i know that would not be an issue for me because us mexican folks dont change last names (unless i marry someone from the usa i guess that could be an issue). I still have to ear both of my death names when in family parties because i have aunts with those same names...
Wow what a cool situation and weird coincidence!
Congrats! You both took this weird coincidence and figured out how to make it work! Interesting story
❤️ I always have trouble making friends with people with my dead name, which isn't super common, but it still just makes me shudder. Cool to hear how you've made it work for you!
its podcasts like this that cement my love of rachels spot on the podcast. even though she wasn’t supposed to be on it originally, her unique background and confidence completely change discussions for the better
AGREED!!!
Fun fact, in Quebec it is against the law for a woman to take her spouse's name on legal documents. The older generation tends to do it conversationally, but overall it usually isn't common
I had no idea! Quebec is weird with their laws in Canada
What do you do about naming children, then? you can't keep hyphenating is what I'm thinking... :D
Yes! Same for a lot of places in Asia, so my name stayed the same.
There are a lot of places in the world where names never change. It's weird to me that they do change in the USA.
@@eckoch8774 you hyphenate and then the name can be bumped to the middle as a middle name
Yes, but it creates a lot of problems for those who DO want to change their names. I know people who live in Quebec who wanted to change their last names after marriage, and Quebec's rules about it were a nightmare to navigate.
Idk I feel like the confusion Ned's friends felt is kind of indicative of this patriarchal culture we live in, y'know? Like if it was more common for women to keep their names AND their kids often take their last names (as opposed to automatically always taking the dad's) I think it would be less of an issue and better for everyone, instead of this ownership-based name taking system we have now. No hate to Ned obvs, just an observation.
In the Netherlands kids always get the mother's name, unless you actively state otherwise. But most people still take the dad's name, and it isnt really a thing when the mother has taken the father's name.
In Honduras (maybe like most latinamerican countries), kids take both parents' (first) last name. We have our mother's and our father's last name. There isn't a law that says which goes first, it's the parents choice. Although the father's last name is usually first since it's the one that gets passed down. Marriage isn't seen as joining into a family but more as joining two families. When you turn 21, you can request to alter the order of your last names for personal reasons. Still women can't (by law) change their last name to their husband's, or viceversa. Family names mean a lot in our culture.
Agreed. Kids find ALL KINDS OF THINGS confusing!
@@eduardolanza8954 so when that kid has children of his own do you end up with quadruple-barrelled names? Then 8,16 etc?
So my middle name is kinda different from what Americans would deem a middle name, since it's not actually a name you can be called. So that middle name is my mother's middle name and my last name is my dad's. So I have one from both my parents and since my dad only has daughters I want to keep mine. Because I like mine. My first name is not very common where I'm from and neither is my middle name, but my last name is very very common in my country, so I want to keep both of them and then depending on what name my future husband has, I will consider adding it in. Or I could just find someone with the same last name as me 😂😂 thought we don't use Mr. And Mrs. So you will not really be addressed as Mr and Mrs whatever. And kids also call their teachers by first name or a nickname or whatever and they do that as well with their friends parents. So I guess it wouldn't become a problem like it would in America where you still actively use Mr and Mrs.
About the kids being confused thing, my mom didn't change her last name (as it isn't the custom to do so in our culture), and honestly, growing up, I was more confused by families that DID change their last name than families that didn't
Everyone has different names, it's so absurd to think kids would be confused by people not having the same last names when their first and middle dont match either
I feel the same, and we never had any problems on airplanes even though we didn’t all have the same last name in our family. Don’t know if it’s different because I was raised in another country than the US, or whatever it was, but we were always seated together unless there wasn’t enough space on the plane to be on the same row or something
Some sense in these comments! I agree that it’s ridiculous to think kids would find it so confusing. Ariels point I think really just shows the age of Ned bc none of my friends with kids make them say “Mrs ____” we just use first names like you would anyone else.. I would be so uncomfortable if my kids friend called me Miss Beasley instead of my first name!
I’m from the US and my mom kept her last name, it wasn’t an issue at all. Sometimes people asked about it but it’s not a big deal
@Alicia en el Pais de las Maravillas Exactly. The plane thing didn't make sense to me at all.
My boyfriend and I have been together for more than 6 years, not married, and the only time we didn't sit together on a trip was when we had to get last minute train tickets and we had to take the seats that were available or our holidays were cancelled.
I think maggie's last name is badass, but whatever she chooses will be great !! loving the green chairs maggie and becky are hanging out in.
No offense to Zach but if I was Maggie I would not want to change to Kornfeld 😂
Agreed. Maggie’s last name is indeed badass!
I know, it sounds so cool! 😂
agree!
Her last name is cool, but I do understand why Maggie would consider changing her last name. If you are a WOC (especially a woc that is neither part-white nor white-passing) and you were born with a non-white surname, it makes a huge difference applying for jobs, career opportunities, and other stuff not in person when you have a white surname versus a non-white surname. [Having a white first name only helps to a certain extent for WOC.] Changing only the non-white first name to a white first name while keeping the non-white surname only works for MOC. That strategy doesn't help WOC who have non-white surnames. [White women who take their non-white husband's non-white last names or have non-white names are not inhibited from opportunites like WOC with non-white names are.]
Well I think Rachel’s hair is fantastic
like her attitude
I do think bad feminism exists. Feminism that is not intersectional: that excludes groups of women. Intersectional feminism, look it up, will literally better the world and free us all.
Love you producer extraordinaire Rachel! Just giving my two cents :)
I was just about to comment this!
I was looking for this comment. It absolutely exists. I know it as lululemon feminsm. The feminism that is centered around a middle-class, predominately white, suburban mother pov.
I wouldn't call it feminism then.
@Alicia en el Pais de las Maravillas I just don't think they are feminists at all if they are excluding others. In my opinion individuals who discriminate based on race, disability, sexual orientation or gender identity are not feminists. They are selfish.
@@MichelleRedSoul yes, exactly. That's the point. We agree :)
idk why but becky changing her name with the breaking point because her appointment got canceled once lowkey made me laugh 😂
This happened to me, sort-of. My medical records ended up getting mixed with another woman’s.
Just a heads up about the checks!
I work at a bank and see this constantly after weddings, just have your guests use “OR” on checks, not “AND”.
This will make sure none of the checks are questioned in case your last name isn’t changed yet on your account.
Edit: “your name” OR “significant other”
Sometimes banks have higher thresholds for check reviews so sometimes they can slide, but it’s safer to have your guests use or. I hope this helps!!!
Wait, so it's gonna be written like - Your "Maiden" Name or Your Name after the wedding)?
This is actually the first time hearing this so I'm very fascinated.
I'm so glad you brought this up because I'm always so torn about how to write the checks! Thanks for the insight
There are like 5 different ways people screw up my name on checks, like entirely different names, but I have never had a bank reject them. I have never understood why.
I was hoping to find this comment because I also didn't know that was a thing until I worked at a bank.
Yes sorry! Your name and your significant others name should have OR :)
And Ginny that is interesting! I know that if it’s close and no possibly way it was meant for another payee it’s fine or perhaps the dollar amounts did not trigger the checks to be reviewed.
Becca, same here! I didn’t even know how to write a check when I started in banking 😅 now I’m in compliance and BSA so it’s like my life now haha
The cultural difference is huge :O Coming from the rather equal Nordic countries, I got almost furious when the ladies tried to claim that it's not a feminist issue. It 100% is but it just depends whether you ignore it or not - the history behind is that a woman literally changed owners, which cannot be overlooked. Even the fact that their instant thought with gay couples was that both of the men keep their last names is pure patriarchy - it was not that self-evident for them with women.
Here it's super rare to change your name anymore as it's considered sexist, old-fashioned and unequal, for me the shear idea of it makes me feel like I am livestock.
OMG YES!!!! Literally this, the immediate assumption that the men keep their names and the women give theirs up TO the man just proves the point. Very interesting, great points!!!
The person asked if taking her husbands last name made her a bad feminist, NOT whether or not that tradition was a feminist issue
Not sure why so many people were misinterpreting their responses
You should never shame women for whatever they choose when it comes to last names, but everyone should be educated about the patriarchal tradition. Before women were granted citizenship, the changing of names was a literal transfer of citizenship from a woman’s father to her husband. The male figure in your life owned you, and according to the state you weren’t a person. Personally, I’d never take someone’s last name, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be a meaningful experience for women today. Also, we need to change the societal expectation so that having your last name isn’t confusing or abnormal.
I think its also bs that the child gets the fathers name... he was only involved for a few minutes in making the child. 9 months hard and painful work was done by the mother and the child just gets his name. If I wanted kids, which I dont, no way would they get the fathers last name
@@nadiar.4638 children should always get the mother's name. If it isn't the same as the Father's. He should change HIS last name.
@@nadiar.4638 the child gets whatever name is written by the parents. It’s not automatically the father. I have my moms maiden name on my birth certificate
My husband took my last name! Normalize that being a valid option 👏👏
I'm sorry that you guys are dealing with trolls. It's like people get on the internet and completely forget basic decency, politeness and empathy. For what it's worth, I listen to your podcasts every week and always love your diverse inputs. I particularly loved the feminism and mental health talk this week. Remember, you have *a* *lot* more silent lovers like me than loud haters! Keep up the great work 💖💖
re: names I think it's totally fine to do what you want, but I'd encourage everyone to think about why the traditions we have exist. And there's nothing wrong with questioning tradition and going against them if you think they are unnecessary or not in line with what you want. I think we're in a time of transition where a lot of things are still not questioned, like it's interesting to me that the assumption is always that the woman will change her name, but when you talk about it with your partner, did the option of him taking her name even come up? It usually doesn't. Personally I got both my parents last names and I wouldn't want to ditch either to take another one. Also what do same sex couples do? I personally think this is a tradition I'd be happy to see dying out.
Exactly, it's up to the person
But in my country we always take one from each parent, it's not weird.
If i marry i want to get my husband's name added only if he adds mine too.
As far as your question about same sex couples - off my head I can think of three couples I know (all men) and all three hyphenated. Even with ridiculously long names lol. Personally, I changed my middle name to my maiden name and took my husband's last name. Professionally I tend to use both, but I like having the same last name as my husband and son. It's nice to be known as The LastName Family.
Regarding same sex couples, I took my husband's last name. First of all, I'm not a huge fan of hyphenates, because I feel like they're unwieldy. And my last name didn't sound as good with his name as his did with mine. Also, my dad's an asshole and I was fine with ridding myself off his name anyway.
i got my dads last as my last name, and my mom's last name as a middle name
As a person that was born and lives in Latin America, is so weird seeing this dilemma and debate when a woman marries her husband. Here is not custom to take the husband's last name. And if you have children, they have both last names. Is usually "name" "paternal last name" "maternal last name", so we all have (commonly) two last names. I really appreciate that this is how we do things here (and in other countries too, obviously! Like Spain. We actually do this because of Spain lmao).
But it's still a sexist system. You have two last names but only give one to your child. Traditionally, you give your paternal last name. So a child's last names are from both grandfathers. The last names from the grandmothers are dropped.
@@brunetpm It depends also on the country, I'm from Portugal and here it's not uncommon to have 4 last names, one from each grandparent but yes it usually the last one is your father's father last name
Same with my country also because of f*cking Spain.
Woman in country would usually take the husband's last name. then the kids get the last names of the father (Automatically, when the hospital wrote is down when you're married) so the mothers last name will ve the kid's Middle Name.
But when I went to university I had a lot of professors that use the Hyphen to keep their last name. since they are professional and worked hard to earned masters/phD. I think it's a win win.
My mom has two names depending on where she is. In Ecuador it is the traditional way you spelled out. And in the USA she hyphenated her maiden name and my dad's last name. I technically also have two different last names as I was born in Ecuador and have two last names there but only one in the USA. Personally me, I wouldn't change my name for the reason's Rachel pointed out but also because it's tradition for my culture to not change it.
I'm from Latin America too (Uruguay) and now you can choose to give your children the father or the mothers last name in whichever order you prefer.
I get a bit of patriarchy rage when I think about women needing to have these conversations. No man has ever been asked what their name would be after marriage. Even the question is “absurd”.
Exactly!!!!!! And that's why it has everything to do with feminism
Which would you rather Not getting married but staying together Or getting married and taking his last name?
@@feraguilar4175 Which would you rather Not getting married but staying together Or getting married and taking his last name?
@@odabuu getting married and NOT taking his last name
@@feraguilar4175 seriously though such would you prefer? You take his name and marriage or you don't get married but stay with him?
100% with Rachel on this, I am 31 and engaged, and there is no fucking way marrying someone is changing my name or identity.
My parents are still married and my mom is a doctor and doesn’t share my dads name and my dad is not a doctor. We would get letters addressed to Dr. X and Mrs. X Which is the most incorrect way to address them.
When I got married young in 1980 I took his name. I felt like I lost my identity and had to figure out who I was. I changed back to my maiden name when I got divorced and felt SO much Better mentally! I just felt like myself again, not lost, not assimilated. When I married later in life I kept my maiden name which he completely supported and loved. I’ve been happily married for 23 years and we love having different last names.
I feel like Rachel is not given enough credit for the amazing, badass, super-intelligent person she is. Respect, Rachel! We need more women like you! (nothing bad about the other ladies, I was just absolutely smitten by her view on the world.)
In Chinese culture, women don’t change their last names after marriage. People usually just call them Miss [maiden name] or Mrs [husband’s last name]. And in rare cases that the wife do take the husband’s last name, the maiden name is always kept, so she will have 2 last names.
Was about to comment this for korean culture as well i believe it is the same as well. Same goes with some latin american countries like chile
I agree. My source could be wrong, but I've heard that it's really only an American culture thing? Or at the very least just a Western tradition that is falling out of favor.
Same with Vietnam! My mom kept her last name but the child (me) took my dad’s
My patriarchy pet peeve that is small but grinds my gears is when all my mortgage docs list my husband first or don’t even list me at all as if I don’t own my house as well. Excuse me.
Yeah! And everytime I have a sales, inspection, or construction worker around they'll require my husband to be home in addition to me to work on my house. My husband doesn't even own the house, it is 100% mine! WTF.
When you make more money and manage finances you can put your name down first too. I manage everything and am head of household on all documents, not the patriarchy, just be more assertive, I've never needed my husband home to boss around other men, it's about how you carry yourself and if you accept that or not.
@@MtnMama8 "I dont experience this so it's not a problem for anyone at all" is a weird way to live your life
@@MtnMama8 “it’s your fault you experience sexism because you aren’t strong enough” gross
@@SilverWynterSpirit Why would they do that?
It’s so sad that these beautiful women are effected by trolls. I wish my love for all of you and the podcast was enough for those comments to never hurt you! Thank you for being there for me in the roughest time of my life, I adore sitting with you and learning and laughing ❤️ I hope one day I can meet you and thank you in person. Sending love from AUS 🇦🇺
Screw the trolls! Huge fan of Rachel breaking the 4th wall!
Also, I grew up with a mom who did not change her name when she married my dad and it was an incredibly positive influence on me. Seeing my mom be an absolute inspiration with her work and breaking down walls right and left, and asserting that it was part of her identity helped me grow up to be super independent and tied to my own identity. They made her last name our middle name. Obviously, this is one perspective of many and what the ladies said in terms of it being completely up to the person is spot on. You do you!
I really appreciated Rachel’s perspective on names. We have every right to question “tradition” and choose our own path, whatever that may be.
Anyone else watching this and realising you're the Rachel of your friendship group?
I felt Rachel thought process on my soul 😂
Yup. Complete with weird bi-coastal work history.
Yep lol
Yes! and my name is Rachel haha. I'm Dutch, so it's either you hyphenate (husband's last name-maiden name) or you keep your last name, but you can never remove your original last name. If you get divorced, then his name is dropped and you're back to your maiden name, but there is no keeping the ex-spouse's name after divorce.
Thanks for answering my question, ladies!!! I never considered the option Rachel mentioned of both people changing their middle name to be the maiden name and then having the same middle and last name - definitely a cool option to consider! Still not sure what I’ll do but now I have a lot to think about!
It’s very common in Hispanic countries to have very long names, lol, I have My first name, middle, father’s last name and mother’s “maiden” name? My mom never changed her name to my fathers, so I’ve always been happy to have both their names, but now that I live in the US I’m considering changing my name to just first and my boyfriend’s because my full name doesn’t fit in a lot of documents
I'm shocked they didn't think any of this was a feminist issue. The institution of marriage is deeply rooted in patriarchy. Thank goodness Rachel was in the conversation.
Thank you for saying this!!
In my country, the males'(not everyone) families get offended if their daughter in law will not take their family name!
Thankful to Rachel for being present here.
I think they meant it as: "You are not less of a feminist for making a choice, no matter what that choice is."
Super late but the question was
"does taking my husband's last name make me a bad feminist?"
And not
"Is the tradition of women taking on their husband's last name a feminist issue?"
@@tofuteh2348 you must have missed it but Becky at one point said "it didn't have anything to do with feminism."
@@petalchild do you have the timestamp? Its been a while. If so then yeah im guessing becky misspoke bc apart from rachel it always seems like becky is the most outspoken abt these issues
Anyone else feeling ready to fight for these ladies after hearing about their trolls?
Oh hell yeah! I didn't know they had trolls!? Get out of here! These are OUR friends and we will protect them!
Trolls should attack the guys, they would enjoy them 😂
Hell yeah! I'm scrolling for trolls... come for our girls and see what happens
Oh there are a couple for sure. They dont need to be outright spewing hatred. Some of them are just comparing one over the other, misinterpreting what and why they said something or just backhanded compliments, you know. These things get to ya.
100%. How dare people come at them, they are amazing and I'd fight people
Respect Rachel's take so much! Why is it easier to take the man's last name? Why do men feel weird about taking a woman's last name? It's important to respect a woman's choice of taking the last name but it is important to point out how it is something from the patriarchy. It isn't necessarily feminist to take a man's last name but that doesn't make someone NOT a feminist for doing so. We can't be responsible individually for doing everything possible to "break the patriarchy" but it is important to discuss how things we do are a result from the patriarchy.
EDIT: How Rachel brought up her friend's husband getting upset about her not taking the last name...ask men around you how they feel. Many men (and women too) feel uncomfortable with the woman keeping her last name or the man taking the women's last name (that part most people think is out of the questions). Important to not sugarcoat this issue as not a feminist issue when it very much is (even if arguably smaller scale than other feminist issues)
ariels maiden name sounds so cool (not in a shamey "she shouldnt have done it" way, just a cool thing i thought) :)
It IS a cool last name.
Yes so cool, also to learn she has Dutch (or Belgium) ancestors. My bf’s mum is named “van der Leeuw” (leeuw means lion), too bad that’s not his last name though xD
I got married in August and debated on “keeping” my original last name. But decided to keep my full legal name (first, middle, last) and added my husband’s last name without the hyphen. It makes me feel fancy that I’m referred to two last names. Haha
When I got married. I added my maiden name as a second middle name. Whoever added it into the federal database, did it wrong and to file taxes they make me write it like I have two last names like you.
It's correct on state paperwork 🧐
And it's the little things that makes you happy!!! i would feel fancy too with many names. 😂
"Am I a bad feminist if I take my husband's name?" No. What is un-feminist is that there is still a lack of consideration for a husband changing his name to his wife's. Either way, a married woman will have a man's name, her husband's or her father's - that in itself feels un-feminist to some hell-yeah feminists. No matter your degree of feminism, it is a feminist thing to say "I'mma call myself whatever I damn well please regardless of my marital status, and you are to call me by that name and not make presumptions."
My husband got called "Mr. (my maiden name)" before we were married, when all the stuff was in my name - like Ariel, I'm the older partner . Brian didn't mind it, but I did: "Mr. (my maiden name)" was my father, not my husband, and that was that. We got married in 1994, first marriage for us both, when I was 33. We are both youngest children and already had fraternal nephews, so there were no concerns about carrying on either family name. My maiden name, like Becky's, is a fairly common English surname, but Dieter is unusual. That was reason #2 why I took my husband's last name, going by Donna (my maiden name) Dieter. Reason #1 was that I simply liked Dieter better than (my maiden name). It also figured in that Brian's paternal family are descended from French/German Jews, and he identifies with his father's Jewish faith.
"Irregardless" is in the dictionary, meaning "not regardless." It renders the word "regardless" null and void, which is why some people are irritated hearing the two words being used interchangeably. Each person has their own pet peeves in English. As long as y'all don't write the word "insure" when the proper word is "ensure," I'mma not troll ya.
Edit, June 25: it's mine and Brian's 27th anniversary today. We've had our difficulties, as any marriage does; but in all these years, not a single iota is attributable to our names or our age difference.
This is something that I think about and become very annoyed with/mad about--change or not, it's still a man's name you have, partner's or parent. So, I've thought about changing my first last name (I have two last names) to something totally different, keeping my second last name as well, and if I ever get married, not changing it. I would like to consider my partner taking my last name or hyphenating, but option would also depend on the partner.
@@_xMC I have friends who took an entirely different last name that had nothing to do with either family! One is entitled to any name they wish to be known by; if your legal name is not your true name, you can change it legally and more power to you!
it felt so good to hear people who seem as put together in life and as successful as Ariel, Becky, Rachel, and Maggie openly talk about being diagnosed and medicated, because there’s so much stigma and stereotypes
Not to mention that “Mrs.” literally means “mistress of” … like, I’m married to a great guy, but I don’t define myself by how I serve my hubs.
Wow had no idea!! 😳
@@anastasiamorrow3445 Crazy, right?? That’s why the invitation thing they mention was traditionally: Mr and Mrs MANS FULL NAME. It’s like saying, “this specific man and the mistress of his home.”
Yeah whenever i see mrs I think of it as mr's. I'm against marriage as an institution but if my future partner and I decide to tie the knot I'm definitely keeping my name
This is precisely why I will remain Pastor or Rev. LastName.
Thank you!! I never understood wtf the difference was!
of course this has to do with feminism, this conversation alone is full of subtle references. (e.g. becky saying "I have a brother, he will always be M. Miller" - erm, why wouldn't he change his name?) I love Rachels way of being conscious about this.
That got me too!
YEP!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!
YES!
If I was Maggie I wouldn't take the "super super white" last name of my future husband 😅 just because it dosen't represent my culture or identity! As Rachel said I'm my own person, I do understand wanting to marry the last names in some form, but it's really sad an outdated that we, women, have to go thru all this emotional process and the men can choose to care or not...
Same, today I learned she is actually Peruvian, and since I am too I obsessed about it for hours and even told my friends. I'm glad she recognizes as part of her identity, yet of course, she's free to do what she feels more comfortable with.
SAMEEE, Bustamante is such a beautiful last name and part of her Peruvian identity
Can we let Rachel have a 'pop off' segment on the show? I really enjoyed the energy she created today.
Was at a funeral recently and they were talking about how that child walking around is the last “___insert name___” or how my only male cousin is the last of my last name. Very traditional generational assumption that none of the women will keep my last name for a variety of reasons.
Trolls on here CAN'T sit with us. These ladies are smart, sassy, funny, inclusive, welcoming, stunning and do not deserve hatred in their comments!! GROW UP! Stop watching if you don't like them. They will still be thriving!! Love to all the cutie booties out there!! ♥
When do we get to meet our lovely Podcast Pixette Rainie? (Rainy? Rhaney? Reini?) 🥺
They said on one of the podcasts that she’s remote/out of state. Maybe one day they can have her pop in on Zoom!
@@laurenholder I think she’s in office now because her laugh has been in the background of one of the try pods but I’m not 100%
@@aliasjsjsjs8783 the plot thickens...... we wanna meet the Podcast Pixette! (IF they're okay and comfortable with it 💕)
Yayyyyy, she popped in on today’s TryPod!!
just say pixie
This podcast couldn't have come at a more perfect time for me! I have been struggling with whether to change my name for months. It has been keeping me up at night. This discussion helped me realize I absolutely do not want to change my name as a soon-to-be professional lawyer and it has made me realize that I need to stand up to family and advocate for what I want. It's my career not my husband's or his family's. I want my name on my degree. Thanks for all of your thoughts they were very affirming and comforting.
Taking the man's name is literally rooted in his ownership. It's absurdly antequated and offensive
both simplypodlogical and ycswu posted at the EXACT same time! Okay imma be occupied for the next 4 hours
IKR!!!
this is me every tues!
the age discussion is so funny because I am 24 and I knew a long time ago i would never change my name when i get married
It is funny I just got married at 23 and changed my last name
@@Emivibes96 I mean I'm with them like do whatever you prefer. I just think it's funny that they think age is a factor haha
The age argument is Bs. I am 23 I know I am not changing my name. My aunt married in 70s even she was 26 which back then was considered too late to get married and she didn't take her husband's name. Everyone in my family just said it is because she married late that's why she didn't her name. Nobody considered the fact that she is a doctor and has a fully fledged career and professional degrees and that's why she didn't change her name.
Both Becky and Ariel aren't in professional jobs that require a lot of qualifications and experience.
I (jokingly) wanted to have my partner's and my last names mashed together bc it would become "Killing" and I think that'd be hilarious lol but a horrible thing for our children.
I think killing would be such a badass name to grow up with honestly, plus it’s kinda rare
You should do it. I honestly think they’d grow to like it
Ha yesss lol
I believe true feminism is about choice and of course, there is nothing wrong with changing your name if thats what you want. However, i think its important to point out that we do still live in a very much patriarchal society and the fact that its still usually on the woman to decide what to do with her name shows that. For many women, it IS a feminist issue because there are so many women in this country, no matter how progressive things have gotten, who still face pressure to change their name whether its because of a family member guilting them into it or for the reason of having it less confusing for the kids, or just general social pressure, there is still that pressure on the woman to change her name.
The way Rachel is single-handedly destroying the patriarchy in this episode is iconic
My mom didn’t change her last name when she got married with my dad because and I quote “no soy la hermana o hija de tu papa, soy su esposa y yo tengo mi propio nombre” which translate to “I’m not the sister or daughter of your father, I’m his wife and I have my own name”. WHICH I TOTALLY AGREE WITH! 😎 also I agree 100% with Rachel.
My stepmom got married for the first time at 21 in the late 80s and she never even thought of not changing her name. Once she got divorced she really regretted it because she had to carry his name around everywhere.
She could have changed it back though, that's what I did. The only problem with that was that it's confusing that my current husband, my son, his son and me ALL have different last names.
When Rachel spoke about her horror movie fear, NEVER have I ever related to someone more than I did to her xD
thank you ariel, becky, rachel and maggie for creating such a safe space to hear and discuss all these lovely opinions! i really love this podcast so much
I love Rachels view!! & is so true men don´t do that then why should we?
In Spain you keep your last name when you get married. The cool thing is that you have two last names because you get both your parents first last names: your first is your father's first and second is your mother's first.
I love this! I first learned of this from my friend who is Mexican a few years ago and I love the collaborative nature of it
Becky, I love you AND I think it’s damaging when people say that therapy should be cheaper, implying that counselors/psychologists/psychiatrists are being paid too much. No one would ever imply that a medical doctor should be paid less, we say that insurance needs to be better, and the same goes for mental health. It’s STILL healthcare, as obviously you all believe, and it should be treated as such. Unfortunately, insurance companies put restrictions on numbers of visits and payment caps that restricts access to mental healthcare. I am currently a Mental Health Counselor in training, and this is a subject we talk a lot about: in our society, there is a strong devaluement of mental health professionals because the nature of our work is more personal and less clinical. However, that shouldn’t mean that our education and experience are any less, and therefore should be valued any less, than someone who got an MD instead of a PsyD.
It’s not devaluing your work at all, that’s why there needs to be socialized health care! There should be government initiatives to provide for mental health care for more people.
Mental health professionals are so incredible and do such important work, but that healthcare NEEDS to be cheaper and more accessible because the communities that really need mental health cannot afford private health care.
The way that we can do that is using tax dollars and reallocating them towards mental health, so you take home the same paycheck but the cost for patients is doable.
It isn't devaluing but saying certain professions are paid less due to less training and less regulation. A psychiatrist can prescribe medication. Did med school and has higher level of regulations and responsibility when things go wrong hence the pay compensates.
I agree. If the expertise a therapist was bringing you was simply listening and giving advice based on their opinions and experiences, then everyone who has a good friend to talk to should never technically need therapy. Well-traimed therapists bring more to the table than being a listening ear that you vent to (though some shitty ones do only do that). They are trained to select and implement specific treatment approaches for your concerns. I think mental health should be more accessible, but I don't think therapists are lesser health professionals and therefore, should be paid less, like Becky seems to imply. I love Becky too! No hate to Becky! I just feel differently than her on this one.
@@addisonmay23 but at the end of the day a therapist is less qualified and that goes into more than just if they are good. It is the level of accreditation which is costly and highly regulated. It's the same old why doctors are paid more then a year. If the patient dies the doctor is first answerable that is due to the regulations hence they are paid for responsibility as well as level of knowledge on subject matter. It's like me wanted a massage therapist to be equal to an osteopath
Rachel, Merriam Webster says "irregardless" has been used for 200 years and it is a real word. I watched the episode about your cancer and I think you're incredible.
Also - Rachel’s hair is popping!!!
we are just two weeks away from the ycswu pod being one year old!!!! i hope they have something special planned for the pod
I was also depressed when my dog died last year. It took me a long time to get over the loss because he was so precious to me. I just cried my eyes out and just remember all the good times that he was with me.
I feel that changing my name is something that shouldn’t be required from me just because I decided to get married with someone else. Think of it as if Eugene and Matt where to get married, who would change their name? If it’s just required from women it doesn’t feel like you should do it.
They could always switch last names XD
@@nadiar.4638 that actually sounds awesome!’
I'm with Rachel for most of this, but I do get where Ariel's coming from that these are considered customs for her. I think the name changing is mostly a US-based custom, so the more common approach in other countries would be to not change the last name. I also find it interesting that the parents having 2 different last names causes confusion, but the default is for the woman to change their name. If the man cares about the last name being the same and the woman doesn't, why couldn't the man change their last name
It is not a mostly US-based custom (Europe, Asia...) but in many other places the custom died within the past 100 years
Not just the U.S. bruh.
I know my cousin didn’t change her name after getting married for professional reasons since she had published studies in her name.
Hehehe other options: Kornstante, Bustakorn.
Omg the bustakorn is an abomination, no offense lol
How about Bustadiddy 😁
Bustafeld
Kornstante translates to "Corns Aunt" in german
@@arielle.notthemermaid Hahah exactly! Bust a corn y'all! :D
i wanna know who this troll is 😤 i don’t understand what people get out of it. i’m sorry people have been mean :(
you ladies are such a positive energy on the internet, thank you for being you.
Me and my boyfriend have decided we're probably going to just come up with our own last name.
Yes! As someone who is adopted, I have always known that I would be keeping my last name. That name was given to me by my parents when they chose me, and I will carry it on forever. When I met my husband, I told him this right up front so he was aware of it. I married a feminist who is amazing, and never made it weird that I kept my last name, thankfully. I love that Rachel is so vocal and I completely agree with most things she says!!
“I’m Rachel Ann Cole MF”😭😭😂😂😂💕
Its absolutly a question of sexism. Mariage, back in the old days, was the exchange of the woman as a propriety: the dad, in the altar, deliver the girl he own to the new owner, thats why women take the man's name. In many cases envolving land and business exchanges. Also, today is not more pratical to have the man's name. In divorce, the kids stay with the mom's. If the kid need the stability of somebodys name, it is the mom's name. Sorry about the bad english...I'm brazilian. I wish women all the freedom to chose, but there is much simbolism and history to consider.
Great comment, and no worries on the English. I understood everything you said!
Make up a new name so both of you can change your last name and become a new family together.
I’m totally with Becky on the common name. It can cause some issues. My freshman year of college I got mistaken with a different Allison Brown that was selling drugs in dorm group chats, and I got summoned to the student judicial court for a trial on my enrollment. That confirmed to me that I will change my last name to a less common one if I get the chance
My best friend and I literally have the "irregardless" conversation all the time. She is Rachel and I am Becky. Becky I feel your pain hearing it. Lol.
Congrats to Maggie & Zach on their marriage from the future in 2023, I couldn’t happier for you guys! 🎉
based on the title alone I just want to comment that in Latin America the tradition of the wife taking her husband last name doesn’t exist. Neither my grandma or my great grandma did it, nor anyone I know.
Guess it depends on which part of Latin America you're from. People in my region take the last name as a possessive, they are "of *husband's last name*" like Becky Miller OF Habersberger for example
@@dulcebautista1437 Ooh yeah I’ve also heard that but it’s a real old school tradition in Colombia. Not something I’ve heard recently at all. I guess it also depends if you live in a big city or a small town.
I just search it, in my country that tradition existed until 1970.
@@dulcebautista1437 my mom did that, and I find it so cool
Yeah, my mom kept her last name and added "de López" at the end but no in paper/official documents. I never was confused about them having different last names. I do remember asking why I did have both of theirs in my name and wanted to change them, cause I wanted to be different. XD
@@dulcebautista1437 Totally, and that's why when Ariel said "I don't think it's a feminist thing", coming from Latin America, I was like "hell yes it is". You are "of" someone else, like property. In my country, when your husband dies if you did the whole "of" thing, you are obligated to change it to "widow of". So even after your husband dies you are still identified as having been "of" him.
I'm curious to know if Sarah plans on taking Miles' last name.
I think Miles has said he's taking her name- I need to re-watch the episode when Sarah was on but I could've sworn they at least said something like this jokingly
I love that you all can have different viewpoints and provide unique perspectives on situations! Like Ariel is looking at changing her name as something to bond her future family but Maggie also has great points about keeping her name to bond her with her pre marriage family. love listening to you ladies. hope you have a great day. keep offering your insights and opinions no mater what!
loved hearing about Ned’s family’s experience with having parents with different last names! i have a different last name to my mother and all throughout school, it was a huge issue more times than you’d expect!
I loved the mental health segment! I lost a 180,000 scholarship (that I had already been gifted, the funds just needed sending) because they found out I was diagnosed as a teenager. It didn't matter to them that I was well adjusted and met all other qualifications, including academically and socially.
It's still hard for me to tell people about my diagnosis because of this, so this segment helped remind me it's ok to share it, and ok to not, like Becky said.
I just fell in love with Rachel
Instead of trolling these ladies, nitpicking the smallest details of their appearance or their grammar, why don't we appreciate the love in their eyes when they listen to each other and look at each other. They very careful and polite choosing the right words to say.
I wish I could like this 100 times 🙌🏼
RACHEL thank you for speaking about what was going on in my mind while listening to A and B. Not saying they're wrong, but just appreciative of you for standing by your perspective. I love how receptive and respectful you guys are to each other's opinions.
Haha I have a friend that chose the name Darling for herself after a divorce. Dad wasn’t in her life so no ties to go back to that name, mom’s maiden name just didn’t feel right either so she went with a fabulous choice of her own!
Becky and Maggie had me cracking up at the Coco part 😂 Love you guys
I listen to this podcast every friday at work because i work in a kitchen alone that day and i can listen to whatever i want and i pick these great ladies. i do miss the actual videos though.
I feel so validated by Rachel's response!