A Jewish Therapist Shares What She Sees Behind Closed Doors | KOSHER MONEY
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- Опубліковано 28 чер 2024
- How can the Jewish community live with wealth without the addiction of consumption jeopardizing our mental health?
Meet Dr. Debra Alper who wrote a fantastic article on the topic here: 18forty.org/articles/affluenc...
We had an enlightening conversation with Dr. Alper, a seasoned clinical psychologist, who dives deep into the complex relationship between financial stress and mental health.
She sheds light on how societal pressures and personal financial management can significantly impact our psychological well-being. She offers practical advice for families on educating young adults about finances without instilling fear.
She explores the concept of self-worth beyond financial success, providing valuable insights into living a more fulfilled and balanced life.
Whether you're dealing with financial anxiety or looking to understand the societal impacts of wealth, this discussion is a must-watch!
Contact: dalper@kadimapsyc.com and www.kadimapsyc.com/
Book rec: amzn.to/3vMxWcB
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CHAPTERS:
0:00 Intro
1:02 Meet Dr. Alper
1:47 Finance and Mental Health
3:49 Finance Education for Children
7:38 Financial Rat Race
10:38 Communal Effect on Finances
13:44 Colel Chabad
14:55 Financial Transparency
17:22 Shame and Finance
19:25 Reasons for Overspending
20:50 Social Comparisons
23:10 Social Standards
27:46 Twillory
28:48 Self Worth & Net Worth
30:27 Writing 18Forty Article
31:37 Tech, Social Media, Finance, & Mental Health
36:12 Tech Education for Children
39:04 The Donors Fund
41:08 Spendings and Values
46:07 The Field of Psychology
50:21 Attitude Towards Money Over Time
52:41 Thank You, Dr. Alper
52:54 Outro
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Having money isn’t about buying things, it’s about being able to say no to things you don’t want that cause you stress.
100%
Stability and self-reliance are the tools that are necessary to navigate through this life ... and that evolves into $$ money 💰 👌
Yes having money is about security, freedom of choices, and securing your children's options in life. You can optimize your physical possessions and upgrade as you go, but I find a few years after I "had" to have something, it isn't that important anymore and possibly my lifestyle has changed since then. Major purchases like houses and cars aside.
@@kerenkroll - Ok then - well articulated / I’m going to try and guess what you are trying to express - by reading between the lines /
Just as important as money - we all need - love - affection and care - we also want acknowledgment and validation from others, around us /
Life , is a balancing act - that requires deep thought and analysis, in order to sort out the right prioritization plans to fit your life… and this is where the risks enter the picture…
Life is also about setting goals - and preparing yourself for sacrifice - without upsetting your equilibrium… /
Your bottom line is all about - stability / independence and respect in-order to reach your contentment - it is therefore very important - to understand yourself very well /
Relax and take your time - enjoy what you have - because the real reality is that - no one has it all - and we all have voids in our lives…. /
My suggestion, is to bypass the regular road map and to try another route less traveled… / Life is a process, it’s not always a competition or a matter of status, just to impress others - you are the boss and navigator of your own ship , and ya have my blessings - good luck 🤞 kid !
Growing up a relatively poor Jew in Brooklyn was perhaps the greatest blessing one could possibly receive. As a child, I saw wealth all around me and this wetted my appetite for financial success as an adult. Life experience has taught me self reliance and the value of a buck. I learned deferred gratification and how to save. Consequently, I'm well-off today. I am not alone... many Jews of limited means learned life's lessons at a tender age. Now, we appreciate all our blessings and they are way sweeter because of the challenge.
That’s great but you’re in the minority. I thought becoming a “doctor” would afford me a comfortable frum life in a high cost of living area with lots of kids (>5) Boy was I wrong.
The cost of being frum in a high cost of living area is excellent birth control.
That was a blessing for you. I wouldn't say it's a blessing for everyone.
My mother would give me a choice at the beginning of each season.2 expensive dresses, or 4 lesser ones.The decision was mine.but it showed me that the money is limited.
@@shimmywachtel35 do you like going commando?
What about your kids. Apparently, it’s hard to maintain generational wealth. Does your childhood inform how you raise your kids?
In all my years as a Rabbi, I have NEVER seen a U-haul behind a hearse..... The flow and gift of life is receiving in order to share and pass forwards.
British Indian here and our community shares the same excess drive for money. We forget that we want money for happiness, AND we forget money only gets you a small amount of happiness.
The Chinese are richer than both your communities
Kosher Money is my private university of wisdom, thank you so much for to much information. Gracias Hermanos ✡️
Here in South Africa there is a wedding industry of venues florists and glamorous add ons ..all pumped by magazines,Pinterest, online examples to the point where an average family is looking at competing with a Hollywood level of glamour. The focus on the real elements of any wedding is drowned in costly glitter.
Turning 69 yrs old in a few days - the most difficult part of my life was school - and I dropped out by 17yrs of age - never to return - but I never allowed school to get in the way of life - I also stayed single - kept my life simple and packed a light suitcase… /
I’m retired and comfortable - living a low stress life…
There are different solutions - for different people….
"There are different solutions - for different people…." Exactly. All the best to you! Enjoy your life 🙂
I’m so happy I grew up in a lower middle class family. Food and shelter was always provided but we were very frugal. It carried over in adulthood and now making more than I could ever imagine- I still don’t have a materialistic lifestyle and live more minimalistic. I found out early on that materials never made me happier than the first day I received it.
Ditto...
I also must commend you for your vulnerability and honesty when it comes to acknowledging your personal struggles, talking about therapy, etc. It's a breath of fresh air and so important for the community to hear.
I appreciate that, Raizy - thank you! I'm happy it helps others. There's no shame in being human. :-) -eli
I was praying this morning to have another Jewish friend this morning, and I found your channel. Lots of good people to listen to.
Even though I'm a Hindu from India I'm so addicted to your channel❤ Lachaim
Beautiful because you are Mortal, Human.. The Son of Man explains: One Blood, All Men..One Holy Creator..📕🔍🤔 Don't allow those mentioned in The Book of Ephesians Chapter 6 keep you from understanding their are no limits for you the precious Creation of Our Holy Creator👋😎🙏💪☝️👍
Another challenge not discussed is competition. People are very competitive indeed. Some folks are not happy unless they're the chief, or the queen bee. They can go to extraordinary lengths to project an image - material success, running with the top dogs, living among the elite. It's compelling and many people play that game. Opera, season tickets to pro sports, country club memberships- all sorts of trappings and surroundings can be alluring. Living 'the good life' is validation for lots of folks.
It doesn't make sense to care what other people have. It isn't my life. I have people I know who are supported by their parents in their 50's! Their parents buy them and their kids EVERYTHING (!) including cars, homes, tuition and vacations. There needs to be a show about that. The doctor is very attractive and smart. Great guest!
It's so true. Families are such a blessing and a burden all at the same time. I didn't have children and I am really enjoying my later years. So happy now I made that decision. But I do miss graduations baptisms, and family gatherings to celebrate my little being, but I just celebrate my sisters little beings.
You get fed the F lie. Imagine being on your deathbed with no offspring around. Wow. What a poor life no matter if you became the richest person in the world.
Such a great conversation! We need to talk about money and finances more. We need to be taught Prosperity consciousness and fulfillment. Life is so much more than income and stuff. Thanks for the inspiring talk! ❤😊 God Bless
All your episodes are very helpful. I was born Jewish, but raised outside of the community and am getting back to my roots.
As a low income worker, it's pretty hard to listen to complaints of the well off.
You don’t have to, that’s the beauty. You could just go on to the next video and not comment.
It she can demand that low income worker’s stories and needs are expressed.
What might be your game plan - to deliver you to a better place ? / I’m listening 👂 kid
Here is the truest statement: If you talk about how much money you have, are quite flashy, have extravagant lifestyle....you are not wealthy. It;s all loans and a facade.
Truly wealthy people do not talk about their wealth. They live nicely, buy nice houses, cars, etc. However, it is all paid for, subtle in its design, and they keep it a long time and maintain it.
This show is always so helpful! I love how you always get people to discuss the same issues from so many different perspectives. A therapist was a great change of pace, and Dr Alper was phenomenal!
When I started travelling in poor countries, I saw a lot of people live, and it made me truly embarrassed. When I came home to see how wasteful we are as North Americans I truly felt embarrassed for all the things I thought I would die without such a nice car and an expensive handbag and jewelry.
I could watch this all night and I will! I’m a firm believer in yeshua hss as mashiac the holy one of Israel and I just naturally favor the Jews!! Rock on brother rock on!
This is a really important conversation to be made public and shared! Thanks for this!
Winning a free jewish book would be helpful!
Kids who grow up in affluence can have a hard time adjusting to living on the salary they earn starting out
My brother has had this problem
Being the daughter and marrying early was a blessing because I learned quickly the value of a dollar. I am grateful for my job and working toward a career.
People need to live more simply so as not to trigger jealousy.
@11:14 "The Communal Effect" On this I have MUCH to say! I grew up near but not within the Jewish community and went to Yeshiva days schools. Combined with my approach to life and my father never being influenced by what others do, I am mostly immune from the Jewish Community's pressure. When I do visit communities such as Teaneck I see the beauty of being so close to so many Jews, but also imagine the enormous peer and communal pressure to keep up.
Yes, tight knit community can be a blessing and a curse. I think for most the blessings outweigh the curse but there are always those individuals in the community that get the worst of it.
Congratulations on your beautiful new space! I'm thrilled to see you growing and expanding your important work. I highly value and support your mission. Keep shining and making a difference!
0:31 the answer: Kavod (Respect). Explicit piece in Mesilas Yesharim chapter 11 that states people buy nice food, clothes, home (+ cars, watches etc) and the answer is: for Kavod (Respect). Fortunate are those that don’t fall into that trap of wanting to be respected due to their materialistic wealth.
The problem we have is because Most people always taught that " you only need a good job to become rich. These billionaires are operating on a whole other playbook that many don't even know exists.
This was such a helpful episode. It felt so validating to hear my concerns and feelings being voiced. Thank you for providing this education.
Such a HELPFUL episode. Thank you!
This podcast is so helpful, thanks for everything you do!
The information shared here is always so helpful!
VERY informative thought provoking and Helpful show !! Keep up the great work!
This episode is so helpful and truly necessary!
This podcast has been very HELPFUL. Keep up the great work.
This episode was so so helpful for me I love the ideas which were bounced around. See you soon! Congratulations on you new studio, I'm sure it'll be helpful...
I am a non jew (hindu),I love all your videos and I am always learning many new things everyday.God bless your beautiful community and Israel.
New studio is awesome.
Good work.
Phenomenal topic, thank you for addressing.
In Judaism the teaching is that having/making money in itself is not a sin. It's taught that it was a gift from G'd and to use a portion to help others. In Jewish mysticism it is taught that money is spiritual in a sense because it is humankind that chooses the value of things. Finding what people cherish and providing it can be beautiful. Yet, it is also taught to stay humble and know that the money is a gift that can be given and taken away and to not take it for granted and live pious live to show G'd thank you. ❤
Other religions have shamed people about money.. this dates back to feudalism and the ruling classes excuse to be greedy. There is a good side though and that is that Christianity also teaches that you can only worship one master, G'd or money. This Judeo-Christian value comes from the Torah. Some people choose to give up possessions to meditate and become closer to G'd. A personal choice. The Romani people also consider money to be a gift from G'd. Feeling ashamed to have money is not good for you or your soul. If you have more, you have more to give and share. Baruch Hashem
That was a great interview and the behaviors are not isolated to your community.
Amazing content as always 🥂
This will be helpful for many. Good work.
Your channel and episodes are very helpful :)
I had mentorship from many different disciplined religious practitioners of different faiths. It always perplexed me at the different methodology people had at dealing with the unfortunate reality of money. The only thing I know for sure is that if there is problems, there isn't always money, but if there is money, there is always some sort of problem. So people have to decide, what type of problem they wish to actually have to deal with. Because that's what money is, and issue of debt. I just want to point out, the amish people are anti egoic culture, and they have way more fashionable hats imo.
Ma'm,shame is extremely important. The lack of it is a lack of accountability. The lack of it is why people have no standards.
Not even remotely true. Many research studies have shown that people respond much better with empathy and understanding for mistakes, than by being put down and shamed. This is a dysfunctional mentality not supported by modern mental health awareness.
Being frum especially outside of Israel is super expensive and this inherently is a constant source of a lot strife. It’s the persistent “elephant in the room” of religiously observant community. It needs to be “hip” again to be financially/economically modest in the frum world. Tzanua isn’t just about the clothes we wear IMHO. Because there’s just a lot of “keeping up with the Cohns” so to speak in the frum world and it’s really destructive and in extreme circumstances results in some leaving religious observance.
And fyi my wife and I make hundreds of thousands in salary and are doctorate level professionals - with 3 kids, homeowners in high cost of living area on one of the coasts, and it’s a ongoing struggle. How others do it on less with more kids (in our area, granted some have moved to Vegas, Houston others) - bewilders me.
We have this question all the time. My husband and I make more than a big part of our shul, yet we have the most beat up car and have the most run down home (we just started renovations after saving up to pay up front for it) and our kids wear clothes from the lower end stores. We almost never eat out except when we get gift cards from his boss 2-3 times a year. We went on 1 vacation in almost 10 years of marriage. And yet we don't have much extra. How do people earning less live such extravagant lifestyles? It's mind boggling
@@beans4853 I am the same. Make a very healthy (looking) salary and we are very frugal. Still really struggle. My kids don't wear expensive clothes, only the most basic vacations, yom tov we do the absolute minimum and still don't have any extras (I'm not complaining, I own a home, have a job, am married and have kids so I'm living a great life) but even without the social pressures, it isn't easy.
Do you just compare yourself to other Jews, other wealthy people, or Americans in general. I’m not Jewish. How we live…our clothes and house items come Goodwill. We drove low value cars (kias). And we just work second jobs when we need to. Our yearly beach trip is a cheap motel at a cheap beach. We only have one child. He’s in public school. So that’s how we live.
@@beans4853how much do you all make? What do you consider low end clothes?
@agricolaregs I cleared compared my lifestyle to the rest of my community. I do buy second hand stuff here and there but there are many jewish laws that make it harder to buy at places such as goodwill (anything related to food is a no go, for example). So for context, my income is high compared to standard America (6 digits) but my lifestyle is only frugal compared to my community
So enjoy your channel I watch a lot of them and this is probably tops overall
When money or anything becomes your God all manner of ills befall you! Growing your faith life is the key to joy in your life!
Your personal values never change.
Your values are who you are at your natural best. (Simon Sinek)
Appreciating the finer things in life might be a value for you, but is it a top value to prioritize? Or is it a habit and behavior you became comfortable with?
If it is a top priority for you, then you must consider what you will sacrifice to upkeep this value. Maybe you decide to work harder, longer hours and therefore family isn’t a value for you because you chose to value the finer things in life.
If appreciating the finer things is a value for you and you will try to “do with out” push it away and pretend it isn’t, you’ll constantly feel unhappy. Therefore it’s about taking your values and figuring out the best way to achieve them.
Maybe budgeting for the splurge, and as your guest says, not always does the finer things translate into dollars.
It’s all about living consciously and taking responsibility for our actions which way too few people do these days.
What a great channel !
Helpful information!!
Love the new studio boys
This was excellent.
Such a helpful podcast
So good!
Great talk!!
Important topic!
What a helpful episode. Thank you for putting the meanings of certain words on the screen. I am Jewish but don't know what all of those words mean :)
I think I have hereditary stuckness in poverty ... 53, single mom, work in child care... too late to get a higher paying career? Feels insurmountable.
Your talk so far, 10 minutes in, seems to be all about those well-off enough to even consider keeping up with the Jones. I've never been that fortunate
Life is about choices. I grew up poor by American standards, eating one meal a day if I was lucky. Some days I went to bed hungry.
If you really wanted more, you gotta go after it. Nobody will do anything for you, most of the time. But it’s not about fortune, it’s about going after opportunities.
When I son was 10 yrs old, I would occasionally lower or turned off the radio in the car and I would ask my son, “ Ian,... what do you know about interest on money loaned !”. For the rest of the ride I would explain to him how interest worked and how to work with it! Of course, after the entire explanation he would tell me , “ It sucks!”😂😊
This conversation was helpful!
Chava Rubin
That book will be very helpful.
Some of my friends bar/bat mitzvah’s we’re so nice, they could’ve been weddings! From garden parties in the zoo, to 5 star hotels! My parents made a big lunch in synagogue for 500 people. Cakes imported from top kosher NY bakeries. And I was happy
I’d bet that would pay my mortgage for a couple years. Wow.
Helpful!
Bless you 🙏
Helpful as always 😈🙏
Cast but a glance at riches for soon they fly away
A scripture that is easier said than done
Have a great day!
People say having money changes people, yes I now have so many options which is a absolutely beautiful thing
Keep the old intro if you can, that was awesome. Hope this comment was helpful - there I added helpful.
I’m always impressed by the host’s honesty to admit that he falls into every financially unhealthy five towns Jewish stereotype.
Live simple ,give with joy from what you can spare.
If you live in abundance, dont give out of your overflow, make a sacrifice and give. Thanwatch your heart overfloeleing with joy❤💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼
Helpful it is
Helpful
i once heard a wise statement: I'm so poor, all i have is money
I'll never further the day I heard a rabbi say that spending money is a spiritual process. It shows priorities based on what money is spent on, on tzedakah, and joy.
Growing up as a non frum jew and then becoming frum, I attribute a lot of this "following the pack" to people inner insecurities and lack of self esteem. Many are raised to think that "fitting in" means they made it. Oh how sad when we see people who look in top top shape ND see their shambles. I'm not saying everyone is like that. But some are and I think as a young parent, our responsibility is to teach our kids their inner value, and yes they need to be socially appropriate, but WITHIN our means. I don't think it's strictly a financial related issue
The fact is that the government takes are increasing to the point that any raises one gets (progressive income tax) do not trickle down to your pocket.
A child plays wih a new toy for a time then losses interest and wants another one. It's the same with adults. They are still children.
Where is the full video?🙏🏼
Disable mobile notifications for the apps that are most addictive.
Spending drives inflation more than earning does
helpful
Money and acquiring stuff ex. Big house , fancy car , clothes , to impress others won’t bring happines, Practice stealth wealth.
Ironic to hear commercials on a savings oriented spiritual podcast (good one though)
It’s time to have a conversation about the gambler mentality in our community
my mother told me it goes way back.
This is all self-inflicted pressure which is very sad. There are well to do Jewish Communities in the US where none of this pressure or competition is felt.
Bring back the old jingle please. The new one is dry.
The man says about the stroller "Paid for by in-laws".Ha! What don't in-laws and parents DON'T pay for? Do a show about how parents don't have a nest egg because they are killed into paying for everything. I would love to see a show about posers and fronters.
Torah true hashkofa, lack of learning mussor. Rabbanien need to step up and educate and NOT be afraid of the very wealthy and make takanus ,and obviously self control
So all I need to do is write “helpful”?
When was the struggle for survival easy ?
I feel bad saying this and after reading the comments it seems I am the only one who did not find this episode helpful at all. It actually made me more anxious about money
Wow. My comment got deleted. I didn’t say anything negative. Oh, UA-cam!
The average orthodox family in the NY area probably spends $3-5k a month just on food
Really? That much? How many family members?
@@agricolaregs yes. For a family of 6 on average, I’d say at least $4k a month. Kosher meat, poultry and fish are a lot more expensive and we don’t compromise on Kosher food.
Did this guy just run an ad for Isreali citizens who need our help amid the onslaught on Gaza. I was following up until that, but I'm gonna have to bow out. Nothing again Isreali's but I found that disgusting.
Even billionaires feel like they don’t have enough. There’s never enough. Only thing that can ever be enough is God.
Not Jewish but this sounds interest.
Happy to live in Lakewood the city of Torah there's thousands of beatup cars and there spiritually beautiful 😍
step 1:
enough with the $10,000/person Pesach vacations/programs.
step 2:
leave New York
I am poor so is my family.
This is simply elaboration on the age old consequence of "Consumerism" "Materialism" "Covetousness". Call it what you want. Once we establish that mindset and lifestyle, it always leads to dissatisfaction and anxiety. Matthew 6:19-34 -- Idolatry 101 !! We cannot fill the emptiness in our hearts with the cheap substitute of "things" as a substitute for closeness with God. It has never worked.