If u relate to this video PLEASE share it. UA-cam is already starting to stop showing it to people. Also, this video is categorically not telling anyone to force themselves to socialize. It's about not hating humanity itself & how hard it can be to build community while things are so bad for everyone.
popped up for me and wow am I glad, it's putting into words a lot of shit I haven't been able to put into words. the job history stuff, lmao. _too_ relatable.
oh my god i just got to "we must appreciate in society, what society never appreciated in us," this was like. the key to everything. you put this so beautifully. i really take to heart this quote by che guevara, it's kinda what helped me get over the hump of "fuck everyone and everything," and i especially love the self-consciousness of it: “At the risk of seeming ridiculous, let me say that the true revolutionary is guided by a great feeling of love. It is impossible to think of a genuine revolutionary lacking this quality.”
"I can't even hold my camera up in public" I legit feel this in my bones. even when I'm just looking at my phone, if the camera portion isn't covered by the case or my fingers I feel an extreme sense of anxiety
This resonated so hard, especially in regard to the work situation, these spaces just aren’t designed for neurodivergent people and it took so long for me to stop blaming myself for struggling so hard to keep jobs that I physically couldn’t stand
I was only formally diagnosed this week, at the age of 34. As someone who was also broken down working in the service industry for years, during that segment of your video I caught myself thinking "God, if only I had figured this out sooner like she did." Of course, by the conclusion I realized, with a combination of relief, hope and existential dread, that the takeaway from this video is demonstrably different. :)
I think the "oh god had i o,ething somthig soonrer isat athat point the normal reaction, if ther is a normal. not really elpful pondr what if, but i think its "normal" solitary greetings , not seen the video yet
I just hate how the service industry is basically the only option for so many people, and autistic people are so frequently underemployed we end up in those positions that are worst for us, because the jobs that we would actually thrive in won't have us.
Beautiful piece, Mica. At the teen outreach I work with, many of the kids there will answer our icebreaker questions in ways that amount to "I want to be invisible" and I've always wondered if that was something generational, something particular to the LGBTQ+ community, or something else. But your video makes me reflect that a TON of the kids there are ND in various ways so it makes sense now from this perspective. Thanks for putting yourself out there!
There's a show from the 90s I suggest you watch, because it's extremely popular amongst a lot of neurodivergent and/or queer youth over being one of the most "this resonates" in regards to those desires. It's called Serial Experiments Lain. To pull a reference from elsewhere you may get, to understand a people, you must look at and understand their art. Lain is pretty OG when it comes to art in regards to neurodivergent people who wish to be invisible.
FYI "introvert" is a personality trait and isn't to be confused with being asocial, which is when you don't like social situations and people, and being antisocial, which is where you actively engage in behaviours that violate other's rights and don't feel guilt.people mix them up all the time, and it drives me nuts.
Oh, thank you for clearing that up! I've been calling myself antisocial for years, and I'm actually asocial. Small groups of people I know are okay so long as they are short (unless they are a TTRPG, which I have and can do ALL DAY), but big groups and strangers are absolute torture.
Same. I'm both extremely introverted (learned trauma-based, I used to be an extroverted child) and asocial (and have social anxiety, and am autistic), and the difference is clear.
I’m autistic and I really struggle with the whole I don’t want to be perceived thing. I’m so self conscious of EVERYTHING I’m doing when I’m in public, constantly worrying about drawing attention to myself. I even have trouble making phone calls when my partner is around, even though I trust him completely and he is the safest person I have in my life. I’ve never heard anyone else talk about these kinds of struggles and I’m so grateful that you made this video. Knowing that other people have the same experiences makes me feel a little less alone, a little less like there’s something horribly wrong with me
I can relate to your anxiety when out in public. Pretty much the second I step outside my home I feel that social anxiety . Mowing the yard or doing anything outside can be downright stressful and even when it goes ok I still feel very drained afterwards .. I can take my dog for a 45 minute and I feel quite drained from that .. I cannot stand the anxiety I feel in public. My mother has it much worse than me . Ever take medication? Btw I also have that anxiety when I’m around a friend or family member and I call people on the phone. On my own it’s fine but with someone else there it makes me feel uneasy
That's what you guys as UA-camrs do-- say things that people didn't know had to be said or needed to be heard. Thank you for calling out into the potential darkness and risking the idea that no one would care, because it's sure as hell a lot braver than what I could do. It's that exact bravery which I try to carry with me into my life and to face every problem I meet. I wish y'all could know how important videos like this one are to me.
I want to say that I relate so heavily to every aspect of this video. I suffer from CPTSD, but after an entire life of being the "other", of being not a human, I am beginning to suspect that I may have deeper developmental issues that are impacting my life. If I hear one more person tell me I am too smart to have problems, I think I might snap. I even get that from my own therapist. It is really difficult to consider myself a Humanist, and yet despise the vast majority of humanity so sublimely. I hate my misanthropy, and yet it is a trauma reaction I have come to learn. I am the western equivalent of Hikokomori, leaving my home only to see my therapist. I experience the same difficulties in employment as you, in just as a myriad of employment selections as well. Everyone loves me in my job... until they don't. I guess that's masking. I hope nobody ever has to experience how difficult life is for those like us. it is definitely hard mode, and not anywhere remotely because of choice. Perhaps one day I shall find my communal ideal as philosophized by Epicurus. It is my dream. Just a small tribe of a dozen folks who help each other whom we can implicitly trust. I hope we all can find such solace. I hope you can get as close to your solace as possible.
I understand you. I'm also "too smart", refer to myself as Hikikomori, and feel like a humanist - misanthrope paradox. I really only interact with people 2 days a week and live in a tiny rural town on an outer island in Hawaii because it allows me to be FAR away from the world. It was actually my C-PTSD diagnosis that led me to my autism diagnosis a few years ago. ...and now I'm finally starting to understand myself and my trauma on a deep enough level to make some positive changes. C-PTSD and Autism have a HUGE overlap in symptoms and are very often comorbidities. As deeply traumatic as my childhood was, I always told my therapist that being "the other" my whole life is what _really_ traumatized me. Later on, I learned that undiagnosed autistic adults are prime candidates for C-PTSD. A lifetime of masking when you don't even know what masking IS, can deeply traumatize a person. ..and since the symptoms of the two disorders are so similar, it's completely overwhelming. It's like getting a double dose of the symptoms such as hypervigilance, dissociation, and overstimulation. If you suspect that you may be on the spectrum or have a similar developmental disorder, I'd really encourage you to keep pursuing that topic. I really hope you're able to find some answers and relief. Suffering from C-PTSD while being totally isolated is HELL. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
Being perceived is triggering to me because of the wat I felt perceived as a child. One way this manifests for me is being self conscious about buying particular foods if I think the people around me will know what I'm going to make with it. I hate feeling like people can know where I'm going. And it's strange too, I love people! I love community! And yet, I spend my entire life in my bed if I don't have anything planned. I'm at war with myself.
Every single meaningful friendship I've ever had in my life has fallen apart due to my executive dysfunction and extremely low social battery that would not allow me to engage in friendships at the crazy level that allistic people require. Coming to terms with the fact that I might never have friends is difficult, and sometimes I still try to delude myself into thinking I can change that without sending myself into weeks long, life ruining autistic burnout, but videos like this one help a lot and mean the world to me. Thank you for this.
@@notNajimi yeah! “Nobody understands” is just false- sure, allistic people don’t understand but you aren’t the only autistic person in the world. I don’t know OP’s circumstances or where they might go to find autistic friends but for everyone who feels the same way as OP: there are people in the world who want to hear you talk in an autistic way about the things that bring you joy, and who won’t be offended by you sometimes disappearing once they know it’s for autistic reasons. I know from experience.
Thank you for another wonderful, thoughtful video, Mica. "The only thing that happens when you step outside your comfort zone is that your comfort zone becomes smaller and harder to leave" - this made me cry because I felt it so deeply. My past experiences with social rejection have led to me developing really severe RSD, which can make my social behavior even more strange and offputting to other people. There are times I just feel like a living web of emotional scar tissue. You are doing incredible work by being so vulnerable and articulating these raw, tender feelings so clearly. Wishing you a happy spring and summer before fall and winter blessedly return!
As hard as it is for me to socialize, especially with allistic people, I crave social interaction because it gives me so much happiness. Also I'm a union girl and you can't unionize by yourself. But shit is hard, especially when allistic people never mean what they say and never say what they mean. That's the trouble with living in an anti autistic world while also wanting to socialize and organize. However, overall I've found that the outdoors also contains other autistic folks and radical communities that want the same goals as me. This video really spoke to the struggles of needing to socialize in an allistic world.
The "allistic people never mean what they say and never say what they mean" bit hit me. I have trouble with being seen as pedantic when being precise about words (though I think that one gets attributed to me being a professor who can't turn the grading-brain off, when in fact I've been like that since childhood), or trying to pull some kind of power play when I ask someone to explain. ("Pssh - you know what I mean!" No, I don't. I wouldn't have asked if I did!) But yeah, as you said...finding people (autistic or not) who are genuinely willing to work WITH you on communication (and what you can do with that connection) is worth it.
You have to find an organizing role that takes advantage of your strengths. Personally, I like managing spreadsheets, writing newsletter articles and op-eds, and taking notes during meetings. I can't help you make friends but there is a place for all of us in the movement.
Socializing with the “right” people make’s me happy but after realizing it’s just not many of those people I come to accept that, I find enjoyment in my solitude.
This felt relatable, the fear of taking up space is very much real for me. There are things I want to do but hold back on because of not wanting to be loud and obnoxious, or just inconvenience someone, I can't think of any reason why this is. This problem has only grown in years because of being stuck living with my parents, feeling trapped. I hopefully will get the help I need soon so I can move out and build a life for myself of my own choice.
I relate very closely to the idea of not wanting to be perceived. Being racialized can cause an almost continual feedback loop of watching myself and my behavior very carefully, while being alert to others who may or many not be looking at me. There's the busy categorization and prioritizing of energy allocated to thoughts, feelings and behaviors, and so much more. I've been working at picking apart misanthropy, at least to enough of a degree to keep my discomfort--my dis-ease--local to myself. I don't find myself lonely very often, which I am grateful for. It's good to see you. Glad you're here.
One of the most useful takeaways i got after my diagnosis was learning to give myself grace when i can't do something i find too hard. So please remember you don't HAVE to film a TikTok at a bus stop if it's too uncomfortable, especially beacuse you already manage to be seen and effective in your own majestically autistic way! But if you really want to prove yourself, good luck :)
I agree. I think I come across as having quite low social anxiety, because part of how my autism manifests is not having the bandwidth to both engage in a social interaction AND worry about how I'm being perceived at the same time (I will freak out and over-analyze before or after, but mostly not during). However, different types of interactions take different amounts of energy. I HATED selling girl scout cookies; after much parental encouragement, I was persuaded to call 3-4 family friends instead of leaving the house. My one attempt at canvassing for a ballot initiative was resulted in 1 hour of psyching myself up and at least 3 hours of decompression time to go with 1 hr at the mall that gained 10 signatures. So anything involving approaching a stranger to "sell" them an idea or a project and repeating that sequence over and over is likely to be a disaster for me. Letter-writing for causes I care about (including voter turnout letters) is probably a better way for me to be involved! On the other hand, I've always been 100% fine with public presentations, because I can prepare what I'm going to say and I don't have to look at or interact with members of the crowd one on one - if there are lights, I may not even be able to see them! Which is one reason I can function well as a professor! I'm currently struggling with the increase in administrative roles as you move up in that profession, though, and (given that I got diagnosed due to a bad case of burnout last semester) I can't say I've fully worked out strategies for dealing with that! I probably wouldn't film anything at a bus stop, though, because I would be annoyed if someone else was yammering at their phone camera and possibly including my annoyed face in their shot - so, it wouldn't so much be being noticed that stopped me as not wanting to be that guy!
I’ve always kind of loved people, even as I deeply feared them at the same time. The variety of things people can be is deeply fascinating, and I’d love nothing more than to just explore all the differences. That didn’t stop my social phobia from developing though. I end up wanting to just disappear from reality, feeling like I can’t truly belong. Exposing myself to social settings only seemed to make it worse over time. I still wouldn’t say I hate people, but I’m not sure if I love people anymore. I’m simply terrified, and if there’s anything I do hate it’s the fact that the world can do this to us.
This one hits home. I used to be the same way - hiding in my room, analyzing every spoken word from strangers for reasons to feel guilty or ashamed for just existing in the same space with them, rejecting real opportunities to connect with others. I'm also a person who refuses to hide who I am, and indeed would often be a bit hardcore about making sure other people didn't disrespect me. At times, I was pretty toxic. This started changing once I began transitioning, and more so when I was officially diagnosed with ASD1 in 2019. But it wasn't until I lost everything in 2020 - fiancee, chosen family, home, dream job, hope - that I finally started taking my grab bag of neurodiversity and severe mental illness seriously, and I changed. I actually love people. And now that I've found myself, who I truly am, I'm more compassionate and kind (yes, even to clueless NTs), and I love to live out loud as I am. Not everyone can do that. So for those of you still on that journey, just know, I'm out here living unapologetically in the hope that all of us who can will help create a world where those still isolating, still feeling scared or confused or just plain exhausted, can choose to join us if that's what they want. Either way, you're valid, you're good, and I'm proud of you!! 💙
I've had a life where positive socialization was non-existent and I faced a ton of trauma. I'm aware I'm a misanthrope but... it's hard not to be. Add PTSD to the mix where "normal" society feels like an entirely different culture, and it furthers my isolation.. I'm just a plain misanthropic hermit at this point in my life and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I feel robbed...
Your videos are too relatable for me. Every one of your autism-themed essays I watched made me more convinced that I'm autistic. I'm 39, and all my life I've been thinking that I was just introverted, struggling with the perceived "irrationality" of my fears.
I'm a self-diagnosed autistic trans woman, and the phrase "do not perceive me" is something I think to myself a lot when I'm out shopping. Especially if I'm by myself. I really want to have more people that are consistently in my life, but it's so difficult. This is definitely on me, as I never initiate contact, but it still sucks.
I've found that initiating contact in spaces designed for other autistics is way easier. The Double Empathy Problem cuts both ways - we can build community faster and better with those in compatible neurotypes. If we're the ones in greater supply in that space, if we're the moderators and thought leaders there, then it's not on *us* to be the ones to fit in by cutting off pieces of ourselves. I'm in a few discords where trans people or autistics outnumber everyone else, and it is an *amazing* relief.
@@projectpitchfork860 I added it up one time, the cost of what getting the autism diagnosis for me would have been, and it’s over $1k. Also, there’s no benefit to getting the diagnosis, since I live in a place that has no adult services for autistic folk. Also also, there are now laws in place in other states in the US that if you have an autism diagnosis, you cannot access transition care for any reason, and my state will absolutely jump on that bandwagon. So yeah, to hell with getting a diagnosis, I’m listening to my autistic friends who are like, your brain works like ours does, here why don’t you take this RDOS quiz.
Hey, just wanted to say I discovered your videos just as I was going through my own autistic burnout (and diagnosis, at age 40) process and I wanted to say thank you. I absolutely love what you do and how you present your points and I think what you're doing is not just great, it's important. You may only be presenting a curated version of yourself in your videos, but the self you present, at least, is a wonderful person and I think the world is a better place because it has you in it :).
As someone who unknowingly had ADHD for the longest time, I relate to the feeling of ashame out in public. I felt so bad about myself for being so bad at life for the longest time for having nothing to show for it dispite trying harder than I assume most people out there do. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong, why I needed to look at the instructions for a task a lot more than other people, why I always forget easy stuff why more than my peers, why I wasn't motivated to do anything unless there was a strong sense of urgency, why couldn't do almost anything efficiently without a body double, and why I almost chronically got distracted by anything more interesting than what I was doing even from my own thoughts.
I have never heard someone able to describe the horrible hate and fear that I feel towards all other people when trying to do things right and stay away from said people. Thank you so much. I can’t even tell where mine came from, I don’t know if I had childhood trauma because I don’t remember most of it… I wish I knew more. Thank you, Ember 💙
This is the most relatable video I’ve watched in years. All of it. Running out of energy to pass/mask after years of putting myself into a job that requires socialising (supporting those with autism living within the community ironically) because it felt like the only way to get myself out there in any solid capacity. Struggling with the wolves you mentioned and still doing so like an never ending trench war and constantly rationalising in order to keep myself from hating other people or myself the way I used to when I was younger. Stretched and squeezed by changing seasons as much as my inconsistency when dealing with others. It’s exhausting but important to remember we’re not alone, else the lack of external perspective and exposure to the wider world makes my difficulties getting myself out there even harder than they need to be. It’s a tightrope balancing between rest and recover to prevent burn out and pushing against myself against my comfort zone to prevent it getting any smaller and falling into isolation. It’s hard but it’s not any easier if we give up trying to maintain what few connection to others we’re able to make… in fact I’d say that’s worse. Life is definitely more work for some than others but that doesn’t mean life isn’t worth living, even if we have to deal with others failing to see the extra efforts we make in order to keep up. Thanks for the video.
I have never in my life seen someone discuss exactly how I’ve always felt, and I also have never been able to find the words for it. I felt like you were inside my brain, and yet I’ve struggled to explain this to others for so long! Thank you for this gift - I’ve just found your channel and I can’t wait to see more.
Mica, it's a huge step that you're not walking in a circle anymore. I hope you're proud of that because I sure am. And I found it very hopeful to see. 💖
This one hit close to home. I'm a nurse and I like to think I'm pretty decent at it. The only thing is, I can't function properly if my patients are conscious and of sound mind, or infront of coworkers. Currently I'm working overnights, alone, with patients who can't communicate and I'm thriving. It's taken a long time to even figure out that this is what works for me. And I'm okay with it for now. I don't want to be this way forever though.
I’m actually in ore of you. I related to loads in this film. Im now 50 and going through my autism assessment. I now realise it’s the fear of how people perceive me rather than the fear of people. I absolutely love your channel. 😍
Wow, so relatable. I was also humiliated in primary school (because I dared to paint a duck in another colour other than yellow?!?) and I also had my last customer service job at 32. I haven't been able to work since. And I'm also currently doing that sort of "end-all" project giving the world one last chance before I retire to live without ever achieving anything.
Loved this video. I so appreciate your openness and vulnerability, especially at the end - this truly did humanize the process/struggle of creating, and still managed to inspire hope. Also many congrats to Boba on catching the fly :)
13:50 I utterly fail at interviews. I got my current job (in a coffee shop) through a family friend and have been there for 10 years. Partly because the location (a train station) means that customer interactions are brief, partly because I've been relatively lucky that most of my colleagues have been... Also a bit weird, but mostly the fear of having to go through the job application process again, go through interviews, and meet a whole bunch of new people all at once.
I can relate so much to the fear of being genuine and vulnerable, of being perceived and judged unkindly. Your videos and your journey are inspiring, and I thank you for sharing.
when your born a land animal, but you long for the sea. no matter how much you asociate with the land animals, you will always be a fish, sometimes being misanthropic is a blessing, as we see things that others cant even comprehend in one lifetime. people dont deserve repect unless earned, as the masses headed straight for toilet paper, i will never forget that. im glad im me, and im glad people stare like im a freak, becuase, to them, im an alien from another world, and they are just cows eating grass in a field, so let them chew on it .
I love your voice and accent. I relate so much to this video. I feel like you wrote this in my head. I am newly diagnosed low-level autistic at 46 yrs old. It has been a confusing and frustrating life. Things are starting to make sense though. I am looking for people like you to learn from and to better understanding myself. Thank you-
This is incredibly relatable! I've been trying for what seems like years to put myself out there and say something about what is important to me. Thank you for this!
AU/ADHD here, and honestly this makes a lot of sense and I feel everything you're saying genuinely. It took about 3 years after my diagnosis at 26 to really begin to identify my limitations and needs, what exhausts me and what I need to be comfortable and it was really sobering. I don't necessarily want to be alone/unperceived. More so I recognize I have trauma from the life before my diagnosis where I didn't know I was different, why people treated me poorly, and how aggressively antagonistically designed the social space is in favor of neurotypical perception. So while I would argue I am naturally extroverted the energy I get from people is functionally a slow poison if I have to mask to get it. So I spend a lot of time alone, recovering, working up the energy to mask so I can get just a little more. It wasn't until the last year I began instead intentionally unmasking at times around people I trust and introducing them to the idea that they are unconsciously making the space hostile for people like me and making that opening for them to make an effort and show they care, or continue on and I'll know where I stand with them. And over time I am beginning to feel more energy. I can tell especially when it comes to my art. Two years ago I barely could find the energy, mentally and physically, to even doodle. But I'm able to spend an hour every other week or two to do a digital painting or some figure studies now. And my skills are growing just as fast now which gives me all the more confidence in moving forward. I'm lucky in a way that I am able to "function" reasonably well so long as my routine is uninterrupted, but it is way more fragile than I realized and introducing new people to my life destabilizes it. It is a very tight balance to walk, needing the energy from others, needing the routine to not collapse in a spiral towards breakdown, and wanting so very much to make the space more comfortable for all people.
I don't think I've seen this "I don't wanna be perceived rn" sentiment anywhere else but it resonates so much, I actually said that to partners before. Don't really know how to articulate how eye-opening it was to hear that said by someone else and I *will* mention this to my therapist now lol
not being able to cope with service work is killer in the US. i mean that literally too. thank you always for your inspiring words and your thoughtfulness. ♥
Thank you so much for making this video. So many of the experiences and feelings you've talked about hit really close to home, and I completely understand the inability and crippling fear that makes me unable to truly be myself in public. Even just mentioning that you froze up when in the sight of others makes me realize that I'm not alone in this, and that maybe things can work out if I keep trying. While I still have a long way to go, this video has helped provide a little bit of hope for me, especially in realizing that building up all of these internalized negative feelings and masking aren't exactly sustainable solutions. Again, thank you for having the courage to make this, and I sincerely hope that you can continue to find happiness and stability in this world that seems to screw us over at every turn.
im really excited for this video because while i'm autistic, i've never struggled much with anxiety so i want to understand more about it, to better understand some of the people i know. this looks like it will be enlightening!
I just googled "I hate people" and "I don't wanna be perceived" like 20 hrs ago and then I see this video recently uploaded. THANK YOU 🙌 I'm a 33 guy in the middle of my ASD diagnosis process, unemployed for 6 months. I've always tried to avoid people, 'cause I'm in physical pain whenever I have to interact, except when I'm giving classes. I'm a language teacher and I love it, but definitely not a fan of PR, marketing, finances, and everything else needed to get more and better students. I just can't sell myself, it feels so disingenuous to me, even when I've received great feedback from past students, the impostor syndrome keeps winning. Some people have suggested I become a content creator so it's easier to showcase my skills and services, but it's so difficult, it's like having another job completely 😭 I don't really use social media, I hate being perceived even in digital form. I am so afraid of judgement, 'cause I know I judge others 😞 (even writing this comment is giving me full anxiety, pffft) I'll try practicing in public like you did and maybe I'll be uploading a video here soon or have a bunch of TikToks ready to upload for the next 6 months, who knows. Once again, THANK YOU 🙏
So comforting to hear these thoughts. Thank you. I don’t have any formal diagnoses yet, but there is certainly something neurodivergent about how my brain works. Social anxiety has truly disabled me. Even though I crave community and friendship, mutual understanding and care, I haven’t been able to bring myself to reach out. This video gave me a new perspective. The internet has brought so much positive opportunity for those of us who struggle being perceived in traditional social environments. I crave perception, but my past experiences have convinced my nervous system that perception is inherently and ultimately dangerous in my social circles. Your video helped me realize, I need new circles. Your call to action rattled something deep within me. I can create circles! Wow! Thank you again 🙂
i relate. ive wanted strongly to film myself outside for videos in the past and ive tried many many times and if i ever got to positioning my camera and hitting record id have already lost most of my brain, and if i had anything to say then the people walking by would be the nail in the coffin. i also feel really really weird seeing other people filming themself in public and doing arts like wall calligraphy and drawings, i'd just not understand how they could just be doing that (and my thought process would be very very complexly flawed, cause obviously they built up courage and they have a different brain than me, but it still baffled me how it was possible at all). also literally doing anything outside that isnt walking and maybe some discreet stimming is so hard for me. always always have a hard time being perceived, doing anything, to any amount of passengers outside
Thank you for this. I related so hard. I am at constant war with myself with trying to be both understood and heard but yet taking up as little space as possible.
This video was really painfully relatable!! Thank you so much for putting yourself out there like this, it means a lot. Especially the part about jobs, being unable to work the regular 9-5 is really isolating, and it's so nice to see you arrive in a spot that makes you happy (at least as far as I can see)! I hope I'll be this brave one day :) But for now, writing a comment is my filming myself outside moment
For years my favourite time to be outside is in rainstorms, was one of the best things about my time in the highlands, because the consistency of sound is calming and pairs well with nobody wanting to stop and chat.
This video spoke to me on so many levels; it's hard to put into words. I don't think I'm autistic but I do have diagnoses of ADHD and Dyspraxia and theres a lot of crossover there. I relate to so much here, the tendency towards misanthropy I see in myself, which I also dislike about myself, recognising a deep need for community, struggling to keep jobs, especially ones with strong customer focus, social anxiety, and feeling those same feelings of dispair and hopelessness but doing what I can to push past them. I've even considered trying content creation myself, but I've yet to get the confidence to give it a proper go. Thank you for this.
Liking this video is going to make the Algorithm think I like you. I don't know you at all. And my misanthropy and autism also shuts me away much of the time. What finally broke me was losing my last job, the software I was writing and the charity I had set up to make an observatory as the exit plan from that job. Losing my home and independence was the icing on the cake.
I appreciate you sharing so much behind the scenes of how filming around others - even your partner - scares you and how stifling it can be. Needing near total isolation to feel halfway comfortable as yourself, or at least getting good at hiding to do so. Not only is it something I feel myself, but that honesty is something so much content on autism/ADHD lacks. When creators edit and script themselves to appearing neurotypical, it creates a disconnect between the video discussing masking, social aversion, and other neurodivergent traits and the reality of them. This isn't a bad thing, it just makes seeing the traits for what they truly are more difficult...which is probably why I didn't know I was neurodivergent until I was 30. Thank you. You make great videos. (also thank you for teaching me the word "gormless")
I waited a couple of weeks to watch this, both as a raging introvert, and as someone who struggles being in front of a camera (although for differing reasons I won't go into). I'm a non-speaking autistic person who had to be carer to both parents and siblings, and had to learn to advocate for them. I begun using YT for disability advocacy when other disabilities stopped/limited my use of other social media platforms, as an extension of the disability advocacy I do irl. I'm not sure people appreciate how exhausting even the simplest video can be. *Thank you* for this video. I felt this one in my bones, creaky as they are. I will say this about those who can take selfies and film tiktoks outside without feeling self conscious about it: they have autonomy over their image, and I'm glad of that.
The way you integrate the large scale social and political with the personal and intimate is brilliant. I'm currently doing medical research on the psychological and psychiatric impact of SLE/lupus. It's such a complex topic, and I'm convinced we'll only really make progress when we acknowledget the way that bodies and minds and the social environment are an integrated whole (and that capitalist patriarchy makes us sick!). Your vids are genuinely a model for explaining how that works
@@Ember_Green Brilliant! I definitely will! I just wrote something on anxiety as the basic affect of neoliberaism; alienation is such an important concept too
6:17 my partner and I talk about how the able bodied and minded people in the world are the ones with the super powers. Dissociation is not a superpower. Autism is not a superpower. Independence is a superpower, for us.
This really helped me. I'm currently suffering from isolation; I have no choice in a lot of cases, and it feels like I'm dying sometimes. It's comforting knowing there might be community out there for me if I keep looking, and its even more comforting to know that its not a bad, self centered thing to want people to remember me.
There were so many amazing things said in this video. I had never stopped to really notice how much weight I put behind even just perceiving myself in the mirror, let alone in the world. The ending segment where you opened up about the struggles of editing the video with footage of yourself really resonated and brought everything together and made it feel human. You might not have made the TikTok you wanted, but I feel like you’ve made great progress to that goal.
I have always been told that I am "just shy" and an introvert and (not so loudly, but still) that I shouldn't pretend I am something special whenever I tried to express those feelings. Today I think that it is very possible that I am "just autistic"... (not sure if it would be useful for me to be diagnosed). I really admire that you were able to speak out loud when in public, I can't even do that when home alone! And the manner you speak is just beautiful.
I was a bit late for the premiere, but I managed to watch all of it now... and I feel I really needed this. This felt both extremely validating and relatable, I really appreciate the effort you went through to make all of this a reality, as I see that it was very challenging ❤ As someone that constanly struggles with anxiety and self-doubt and it's still working on fixing my own issues (I started going to therapy 2 weeks ago!), I found myself nodding and just audibly saying to myself "YES, IT'S EXACTLY LIKE THAT" when you talked about being percieved and all the insecurities that come with it. I wish I could go more on details on some things u said that really hit the mark and will definitely stay in my mind for a LONG time but... well it's all very well said and done in the video so I really don't have much to add. All I'm gonna state is thank you, I really wish rn I could have financial independance so that I could join your Patreon, but maybe soon. 💞
Gosh, I related to this video so much. The editing - seeing the look on your own face when you realise someone is listening / watching you. The switch from open and chatty to shut down and hyper vigilant. And the line about "going out of your comfort zone just makes your comfort zone smaller" - THANK YOU for that. I try to explain that to my partner. Exposure therapy doesn't work when the exposure is traumatic. It's not like it's just in my head - I'm outright rejected 90% of the time, for reasons I don't even understand, and I'm too tired to keep chasing the 10%, even though I know it would be life changing if I could "find my circle within a circle." Anyway. Thank you.
I put this on my watch later playlist in fear of this video being too emotional or too accurate for me to handle and never intend for those videos to actually being watched by me later. But i'm glad i watched it right away. It's scary to take up space in a world where i feel that i'm in the way of other people all the time. Feeling like an inconvenience, a burden, or just a weird person back in middleschool. I think without my creative outlet i would be way more insecure. My art is a part of me that i can trust in and take pride in, talk about, show others. But sometimes i'm still ashamed that i'm pushing it in peoples faces, because i have nothing else thats interesting about me (except se exellent puns!!! But not many people like them). I hope to one day work with other creatives. I feel like the creative workfields are like a hiding place for former weird kids and we can find each other there and support one another for the first time in our lives. Thank you for your openness and bravery in this video. LETS TAKE UP SPACE!!🎉
I've recently started binging your videos after finding your Aspie Supremacy vid (great one btw) and they (you) have given me this really nice, gentle yet profound sense of peace and inspiration, that I can work it out and that everything can actually come to a close and I can start living. This one made me feel seen. Thanks Ember, this is good work :)
i have major social anxiety sometimes and this video gave me hope. your comment about not wanting to even film at home when someone else is home completely relates to me, even my parents i have anxiety around. thank you for making this video !!
It was so amazing to watch this video, I relate a lot to that sense of isolation, and doing it because your afraid of getting hurt and don’t want to be hurt like in the past, for me its taking everyday one step at time Im hopeful one day to also find my circle within a circle. Really awesome video
in my journey of realizing myself, this video is full of things that I relate to. I've wanted to be a youtuber since smosh got popular and have never been confident enough to go through with it. I tried being a musician too, with that being the last thing i truly wanted, and when the pandemic came and ruined that temporarily, i just became a hermit instead, not pursuing any passions because that means people will look at it. I always felt like I'm too late to something, like it's too late to be a youtuber or a musician or too late to pursue anything interesting to me. when I was a kid I saw bitcoin get bigger and bigger and it put an evil truth in my head that I'll never be able to start anything, and while I would say that 'it's never true' to a friend, I would believe that myself. it's like I'm a grifter for my own self advocacy. I've been learning quite a bit about autism and trauma and being queer and trans and all the joys life offers if you just put yourself there, but I'm still not confident enough to try more than a bare minimum level of existence. back to the video, i think loneliness is a unique type of marginalization, because inherently, you are away from people, where is much harder to build a community. there's gonna need to be a lot of unique and creative solutions to solve it this was a pretty great video, it got me thinking a lot, and a little more inspired to be myself, if only inspiration itself could make change.
I’m AuDHD & really identify with a lot of this. Being perceived can be quite painful and make doing routine things like shopping or going on a walk in public incredibly draining. Also totally off topic but that sage green colour (silk robe) looks STUNNING on you.
Filming at Alexanderplatz seems soooo stressful. I have a difficult time just *being* at Alexanderplatz, because too many people. I think a bunch of times I've gone into misanthropy, just disappointed in all the lack of care, introspection and everything that 'normal' (typical? normative?) people exhibit a lot of the time (I'm on the adhd side of things). I have come down on the side of empathy and I stay there most of the time. I'm trying to find my circle of people as well and maybe things are starting to come together (though I have trouble trusting in that). I really admire the art that you're doing
As an autistic adult, this spoke to me deeply. I feel like UA-cam can lead to me setting enormously high social expectations for myself, since even a lot of autistic creators appear so put together after editing (and a general aversion to showing negative personal attributes). Its not their fault, but when so much of my social interaction ends up being parasocial on here, it can easily warp your expectations. Being social is hard, especially when 90%+ of the population can't empathize.
Only part way through the video rn. I'm a mix between doomer and introvert. I've just had so many shitty things happen to me by people I once trusted. Strangers and especially family... I just can't trust people like I used to, and I'm jealous of those who can and seemingly never get hurt for it. It's just not fair. Now I socially isolate myself, although I don't really want to all the time. I'm just so tired.
Really feeling the filming in public anxiety; i've tried several times to pick up photography over the years and it's been a smattering of crappy shots from mostly empty public parks at best since I never want to be "That Guy With A Camera" anywhere.
7:46 omg I relate to this so much. Like, it's hard enough having a voice chat with my friends when we're gaming, but for some reason if there's someone else in the house I am uncomfortable for whole new reason. It's as though I'm scared of my wife judging me, which is utterly ridiculous when I say it out loud but it's the only rational explanation for how I feel. I'd hazard a guess it's because I went through much of my life being mocked by my peers for how I spoke. My non-accent being perceived as "posh", my large vocabulary also as "posh" but also as, I think, pretentious? Not to mention my formal speaking style...
On the point about perception, during the pandemic, I found I loved wearing a mask in public, especially along with a hat. It made me realise how powerful niqab can be. Having that control over what of yourself you let other people see is great (although I am conscious that my experience of public perception will be very different to most niqabis and other Muslim women in the "West"). Having a physical mask meant I was less obligated to socially mask for the gaze of strangers
I liked the video and I liked your presentation of the struggles. I have social anxiety and mask as well. Never diagnosed with anything but depression, but to be fair I have never really been very vulnerable and totally honest with a therapist. Maybe it is just depression, maybe I am on the spectrum but I KNOW I struggle to understand social cues, am very self conscious, mask fairly well (most people think I am an extrovert but I absolutely am NOT), and suffer from a fair bit of misanthropy. Thank you for sharing your experience. This is the first video I have seen from you and will be checking out more of your channel now.
I've shared that misanthropic impulse, seeing a world that doesn't just hurt me, but callously hurts so many others and doesn't seem to care. But my outlook has never been to hide from it, because I know I can't If I can't flee, then all I can do is fight. Which is why in my most misanthropic moments, I want to expire from the world while charging straight toward the worst parts of it and screaming my defiance.
I relate to this completely other than the fact that I don't find it comfortable sitting indoors by myself. Everything in me is feeling constantly starved of social interaction, yet I'm terrified of it to the point of freezing up. I always want to be out doing things with other people. Being myself in public. But I can't. It's the worst feeling in the world.
Wow, I relate to so much of this. As another world traveler (Rotary exchange student to Germany for a year in high school, had no idea I was autistic back then) it was lovely seeing you out and about in Berlin. As someone who also has plenty of legitimate reasons to hate and give up on people (including similar work experiences like you shared), for reasons I still can’t explain … I just can’t. Maybe it’s partly because I know people like you, and so many other beautiful and talented artists and creators here and everywhere, exist. ❤
Hit really close to home, especially the part about being burnt out on masking for employment. Your struggles are many others as well and in sharing them it lightens the load a bit, or at least that's my read on it. Thanks
I feel this so much. When I go in public, I wish for people to leave me alone. I feel them looking at and judging me, even for fleeting moments. In a previous video, you said you believe you also have ADHD. If you haven't already, you may also want to read about Rejection Sensitivity or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. I found that a lot of my social anxiety stemmed from this. Therapy and medication have helped, but it's still a challenge to not worry about other people observing and ostracizing me.
This video hit so close to home, one of my biggest fears as an audhd guy is being perceived but at the same time I've always felt painfully isolated and alone. By the end I couldn't help but feel so choked up with empathy for you. I can't thank you enough for the work you do on this platform, I've been watching a ton of your videos over the last few days and they've all resonated with me and helped me so much. I'm so grateful that you exist, I'm so grateful that you're here and I'm so grateful that you let us perceive you for a little while, even though it's hard. I hope you get to make that bus stop tiktok one day if you haven't already.
Mica, thank you SO MUCH for this video!! I'm autistic and a leftist anarchist, and up until this point, I've never had the language to express that EXACT feeling of having so many wishes to create community and leading change, but also being isolated most of the time because being outside and around people usually overwhelms me. Thank you so much for constantly helping me betger communicate myself. Much love from Latin America ❤
In 2005 I started my first business, and it was the best decision I ever made. Chronic illness has prevented me from working for the past two years but now I'm starting a new business, using my experience to help people start their own self-employment journey. For neurodivergents and people with chronic illness self-employment can be a viable option.
I relate so hard to this! Had to skip out on a thing tonight because of sensory overload and that people would perceive me. I don’t really regret it either, and tbh I am kind of annoyed at people who only ever invite me to big events at loud noisy pubs but never small events somewhere quiet. I want to have a community but I'm not willing to harm myself in the process.
So much in this video feels very familiar. I found it helpful to really live out my misanthropy, both with my facial expression and by actually jelling at people that annoy me. And it creates a nice and comfy vicious circle: When I still feel uneasy around people and think they are staring at me, I get more enraged automatically. To the point where I really don't care about my surroundings any more. Another positive aspect of the vicious misanthropy circle is that most people appreciate anger and rage and everyone just loves you instantly. Yes, some sarcasm ... although ... this is how I survived school ... 🙁
I think niot caring and letting that out can really help and is healthy, I guessdegree and situational, but if people like you honest, they like you. Honestly i think eveyone needs to live out their negative somewhat not destractive. And not caring can help, in school i guess not being bullied or so?! Not no caring, not caring what others think too much.
The fact that I relate to this viscerally gives me the feeling that as well as having ADHD there might be some other factors at play. Especially the part about having been criticized and mocked for misunderstanding social cues or questions or simply some terminology sticking so tenaciously throughout the years that it conditioned you to avoid people altogether. It’s actually making me kind of emotional that a simple video is able to comfort me and make me feel seen when up to this day I thought there was something wrong with me for not being able to function socially to the same standard as others.
It's no wonder how people like us can become misanthropes, when the interactions we have with others can simultaneously offer us less benefit than most people, and can hurt us more than most people. When you try to meet people, or just be out in the world, every single stranger has your heart in their hands. They could crush you and not even mean to. Who wants to risk that?
If u relate to this video PLEASE share it. UA-cam is already starting to stop showing it to people.
Also, this video is categorically not telling anyone to force themselves to socialize. It's about not hating humanity itself & how hard it can be to build community while things are so bad for everyone.
popped up for me and wow am I glad, it's putting into words a lot of shit I haven't been able to put into words. the job history stuff, lmao. _too_ relatable.
oh my god i just got to "we must appreciate in society, what society never appreciated in us," this was like. the key to everything. you put this so beautifully. i really take to heart this quote by che guevara, it's kinda what helped me get over the hump of "fuck everyone and everything," and i especially love the self-consciousness of it:
“At the risk of seeming ridiculous, let me say that the true revolutionary is guided by a great feeling of love. It is impossible to think of a genuine revolutionary lacking this quality.”
I've never related more to something, I feel so seen
Watching from London UK.❤
I love everything about this video.
"I can't even hold my camera up in public"
I legit feel this in my bones. even when I'm just looking at my phone, if the camera portion isn't covered by the case or my fingers I feel an extreme sense of anxiety
oh my dear donuts. This is so 100% me.
Same
This resonated so hard, especially in regard to the work situation, these spaces just aren’t designed for neurodivergent people and it took so long for me to stop blaming myself for struggling so hard to keep jobs that I physically couldn’t stand
Yeah, it really sux total ass! I feel lost af at work... tryna connect with other ppl, but, while they act like they lile me, the really dont.
What do you do now?
I was only formally diagnosed this week, at the age of 34. As someone who was also broken down working in the service industry for years, during that segment of your video I caught myself thinking "God, if only I had figured this out sooner like she did." Of course, by the conclusion I realized, with a combination of relief, hope and existential dread, that the takeaway from this video is demonstrably different. :)
congrats on finding some answers! i'm working on a "diagnosis process" video atm!
I think the "oh god had i o,ething somthig soonrer isat athat point the normal reaction, if ther is a normal. not really elpful pondr what if, but i think its "normal"
solitary greetings , not seen the video yet
Also a very late diagnosis, as well as the queer community, I've found a lot of joy in the ASD/neurodivergent community.
I just hate how the service industry is basically the only option for so many people, and autistic people are so frequently underemployed we end up in those positions that are worst for us, because the jobs that we would actually thrive in won't have us.
YAAAYYY :>>>>
Beautiful piece, Mica. At the teen outreach I work with, many of the kids there will answer our icebreaker questions in ways that amount to "I want to be invisible" and I've always wondered if that was something generational, something particular to the LGBTQ+ community, or something else. But your video makes me reflect that a TON of the kids there are ND in various ways so it makes sense now from this perspective. Thanks for putting yourself out there!
There's a show from the 90s I suggest you watch, because it's extremely popular amongst a lot of neurodivergent and/or queer youth over being one of the most "this resonates" in regards to those desires. It's called Serial Experiments Lain. To pull a reference from elsewhere you may get, to understand a people, you must look at and understand their art. Lain is pretty OG when it comes to art in regards to neurodivergent people who wish to be invisible.
FYI "introvert" is a personality trait and isn't to be confused with being asocial, which is when you don't like social situations and people, and being antisocial, which is where you actively engage in behaviours that violate other's rights and don't feel guilt.people mix them up all the time, and it drives me nuts.
And it's possible to be both introverted and social at the same time!
Oh, thank you for clearing that up! I've been calling myself antisocial for years, and I'm actually asocial. Small groups of people I know are okay so long as they are short (unless they are a TTRPG, which I have and can do ALL DAY), but big groups and strangers are absolute torture.
Same. I'm both extremely introverted (learned trauma-based, I used to be an extroverted child) and asocial (and have social anxiety, and am autistic), and the difference is clear.
i do not believe Mica ever used it to mean anything but introverted?
i could be wrong!
There's also Aplatonic which people don't know about but is totally valid.
I’m autistic and I really struggle with the whole I don’t want to be perceived thing. I’m so self conscious of EVERYTHING I’m doing when I’m in public, constantly worrying about drawing attention to myself. I even have trouble making phone calls when my partner is around, even though I trust him completely and he is the safest person I have in my life. I’ve never heard anyone else talk about these kinds of struggles and I’m so grateful that you made this video. Knowing that other people have the same experiences makes me feel a little less alone, a little less like there’s something horribly wrong with me
I can relate to your anxiety when out in public. Pretty much the second I step outside my home I feel that social anxiety . Mowing the yard or doing anything outside can be downright stressful and even when it goes ok I still feel very drained afterwards .. I can take my dog for a 45 minute and I feel quite drained from that .. I cannot stand the anxiety I feel in public. My mother has it much worse than me . Ever take medication?
Btw I also have that anxiety when I’m around a friend or family member and I call people on the phone. On my own it’s fine but with someone else there it makes me feel uneasy
i relate exactly to this. even down to the partner part. you are not alone
This video spoke to me in ways I didn't know I needed to be spoken to. Sending you love, always 💜
thank you Zoe - your comments mean so much, I was genuinely nervous about this one!
That's what you guys as UA-camrs do-- say things that people didn't know had to be said or needed to be heard. Thank you for calling out into the potential darkness and risking the idea that no one would care, because it's sure as hell a lot braver than what I could do. It's that exact bravery which I try to carry with me into my life and to face every problem I meet. I wish y'all could know how important videos like this one are to me.
I want to say that I relate so heavily to every aspect of this video. I suffer from CPTSD, but after an entire life of being the "other", of being not a human, I am beginning to suspect that I may have deeper developmental issues that are impacting my life. If I hear one more person tell me I am too smart to have problems, I think I might snap. I even get that from my own therapist.
It is really difficult to consider myself a Humanist, and yet despise the vast majority of humanity so sublimely. I hate my misanthropy, and yet it is a trauma reaction I have come to learn.
I am the western equivalent of Hikokomori, leaving my home only to see my therapist.
I experience the same difficulties in employment as you, in just as a myriad of employment selections as well. Everyone loves me in my job... until they don't. I guess that's masking.
I hope nobody ever has to experience how difficult life is for those like us. it is definitely hard mode, and not anywhere remotely because of choice.
Perhaps one day I shall find my communal ideal as philosophized by Epicurus. It is my dream. Just a small tribe of a dozen folks who help each other whom we can implicitly trust.
I hope we all can find such solace. I hope you can get as close to your solace as possible.
i hope u find your space. thank u so much for your comment.
I understand you. I'm also "too smart", refer to myself as Hikikomori, and feel like a humanist - misanthrope paradox. I really only interact with people 2 days a week and live in a tiny rural town on an outer island in Hawaii because it allows me to be FAR away from the world. It was actually my C-PTSD diagnosis that led me to my autism diagnosis a few years ago. ...and now I'm finally starting to understand myself and my trauma on a deep enough level to make some positive changes.
C-PTSD and Autism have a HUGE overlap in symptoms and are very often comorbidities. As deeply traumatic as my childhood was, I always told my therapist that being "the other" my whole life is what _really_ traumatized me. Later on, I learned that undiagnosed autistic adults are prime candidates for C-PTSD. A lifetime of masking when you don't even know what masking IS, can deeply traumatize a person. ..and since the symptoms of the two disorders are so similar, it's completely overwhelming. It's like getting a double dose of the symptoms such as hypervigilance, dissociation, and overstimulation. If you suspect that you may be on the spectrum or have a similar developmental disorder, I'd really encourage you to keep pursuing that topic.
I really hope you're able to find some answers and relief. Suffering from C-PTSD while being totally isolated is HELL. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
I'm beginning to think I might have autism, and the things you're talking about are really helping. Thanks for helping remind me I'm not alone.
This video hit really really hard. Thank you Mica, for your art and your insight.
thank you so much, you're a big inspiration!
Being perceived is triggering to me because of the wat I felt perceived as a child. One way this manifests for me is being self conscious about buying particular foods if I think the people around me will know what I'm going to make with it. I hate feeling like people can know where I'm going. And it's strange too, I love people! I love community! And yet, I spend my entire life in my bed if I don't have anything planned. I'm at war with myself.
Every single meaningful friendship I've ever had in my life has fallen apart due to my executive dysfunction and extremely low social battery that would not allow me to engage in friendships at the crazy level that allistic people require. Coming to terms with the fact that I might never have friends is difficult, and sometimes I still try to delude myself into thinking I can change that without sending myself into weeks long, life ruining autistic burnout, but videos like this one help a lot and mean the world to me. Thank you for this.
Having other autistic friends is a game changer in my experience
@@notNajimi yeah! “Nobody understands” is just false- sure, allistic people don’t understand but you aren’t the only autistic person in the world. I don’t know OP’s circumstances or where they might go to find autistic friends but for everyone who feels the same way as OP: there are people in the world who want to hear you talk in an autistic way about the things that bring you joy, and who won’t be offended by you sometimes disappearing once they know it’s for autistic reasons. I know from experience.
Thank you for another wonderful, thoughtful video, Mica. "The only thing that happens when you step outside your comfort zone is that your comfort zone becomes smaller and harder to leave" - this made me cry because I felt it so deeply. My past experiences with social rejection have led to me developing really severe RSD, which can make my social behavior even more strange and offputting to other people. There are times I just feel like a living web of emotional scar tissue.
You are doing incredible work by being so vulnerable and articulating these raw, tender feelings so clearly. Wishing you a happy spring and summer before fall and winter blessedly return!
As hard as it is for me to socialize, especially with allistic people, I crave social interaction because it gives me so much happiness. Also I'm a union girl and you can't unionize by yourself. But shit is hard, especially when allistic people never mean what they say and never say what they mean. That's the trouble with living in an anti autistic world while also wanting to socialize and organize. However, overall I've found that the outdoors also contains other autistic folks and radical communities that want the same goals as me. This video really spoke to the struggles of needing to socialize in an allistic world.
The "allistic people never mean what they say and never say what they mean" bit hit me. I have trouble with being seen as pedantic when being precise about words (though I think that one gets attributed to me being a professor who can't turn the grading-brain off, when in fact I've been like that since childhood), or trying to pull some kind of power play when I ask someone to explain. ("Pssh - you know what I mean!" No, I don't. I wouldn't have asked if I did!)
But yeah, as you said...finding people (autistic or not) who are genuinely willing to work WITH you on communication (and what you can do with that connection) is worth it.
You have to find an organizing role that takes advantage of your strengths. Personally, I like managing spreadsheets, writing newsletter articles and op-eds, and taking notes during meetings. I can't help you make friends but there is a place for all of us in the movement.
Socializing with the “right” people make’s me happy but after realizing it’s just not many of those people I come to accept that, I find enjoyment in my solitude.
:::::::::::::...
The NLs, a country
where they mean
what they say.*
(*Dutch Directness)
Some of the people you meet can be masking. It’s not logical to generalize those behaviors
This felt relatable, the fear of taking up space is very much real for me. There are things I want to do but hold back on because of not wanting to be loud and obnoxious, or just inconvenience someone, I can't think of any reason why this is. This problem has only grown in years because of being stuck living with my parents, feeling trapped. I hopefully will get the help I need soon so I can move out and build a life for myself of my own choice.
I really feel that.
Too true.
I relate very closely to the idea of not wanting to be perceived. Being racialized can cause an almost continual feedback loop of watching myself and my behavior very carefully, while being alert to others who may or many not be looking at me. There's the busy categorization and prioritizing of energy allocated to thoughts, feelings and behaviors, and so much more.
I've been working at picking apart misanthropy, at least to enough of a degree to keep my discomfort--my dis-ease--local to myself. I don't find myself lonely very often, which I am grateful for.
It's good to see you. Glad you're here.
One of the most useful takeaways i got after my diagnosis was learning to give myself grace when i can't do something i find too hard.
So please remember you don't HAVE to film a TikTok at a bus stop if it's too uncomfortable, especially beacuse you already manage to be seen and effective in your own majestically autistic way!
But if you really want to prove yourself, good luck :)
I agree.
I think I come across as having quite low social anxiety, because part of how my autism manifests is not having the bandwidth to both engage in a social interaction AND worry about how I'm being perceived at the same time (I will freak out and over-analyze before or after, but mostly not during). However, different types of interactions take different amounts of energy.
I HATED selling girl scout cookies; after much parental encouragement, I was persuaded to call 3-4 family friends instead of leaving the house. My one attempt at canvassing for a ballot initiative was resulted in 1 hour of psyching myself up and at least 3 hours of decompression time to go with 1 hr at the mall that gained 10 signatures. So anything involving approaching a stranger to "sell" them an idea or a project and repeating that sequence over and over is likely to be a disaster for me. Letter-writing for causes I care about (including voter turnout letters) is probably a better way for me to be involved!
On the other hand, I've always been 100% fine with public presentations, because I can prepare what I'm going to say and I don't have to look at or interact with members of the crowd one on one - if there are lights, I may not even be able to see them! Which is one reason I can function well as a professor! I'm currently struggling with the increase in administrative roles as you move up in that profession, though, and (given that I got diagnosed due to a bad case of burnout last semester) I can't say I've fully worked out strategies for dealing with that!
I probably wouldn't film anything at a bus stop, though, because I would be annoyed if someone else was yammering at their phone camera and possibly including my annoyed face in their shot - so, it wouldn't so much be being noticed that stopped me as not wanting to be that guy!
😊😊
I’ve always kind of loved people, even as I deeply feared them at the same time. The variety of things people can be is deeply fascinating, and I’d love nothing more than to just explore all the differences. That didn’t stop my social phobia from developing though. I end up wanting to just disappear from reality, feeling like I can’t truly belong. Exposing myself to social settings only seemed to make it worse over time. I still wouldn’t say I hate people, but I’m not sure if I love people anymore. I’m simply terrified, and if there’s anything I do hate it’s the fact that the world can do this to us.
This one hits home.
I used to be the same way - hiding in my room, analyzing every spoken word from strangers for reasons to feel guilty or ashamed for just existing in the same space with them, rejecting real opportunities to connect with others.
I'm also a person who refuses to hide who I am, and indeed would often be a bit hardcore about making sure other people didn't disrespect me. At times, I was pretty toxic.
This started changing once I began transitioning, and more so when I was officially diagnosed with ASD1 in 2019.
But it wasn't until I lost everything in 2020 - fiancee, chosen family, home, dream job, hope - that I finally started taking my grab bag of neurodiversity and severe mental illness seriously, and I changed.
I actually love people. And now that I've found myself, who I truly am, I'm more compassionate and kind (yes, even to clueless NTs), and I love to live out loud as I am.
Not everyone can do that. So for those of you still on that journey, just know, I'm out here living unapologetically in the hope that all of us who can will help create a world where those still isolating, still feeling scared or confused or just plain exhausted, can choose to join us if that's what they want.
Either way, you're valid, you're good, and I'm proud of you!! 💙
Thank you for what you are doing.
@@franki1990 💙
sending you love!
@@m0thdm 💙💙💙
I've had a life where positive socialization was non-existent and I faced a ton of trauma. I'm aware I'm a misanthrope but... it's hard not to be. Add PTSD to the mix where "normal" society feels like an entirely different culture, and it furthers my isolation.. I'm just a plain misanthropic hermit at this point in my life and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I feel robbed...
The embarrassment is very relatable, taking a selfie in front fo my partner even is mortifying.
Your videos are too relatable for me. Every one of your autism-themed essays I watched made me more convinced that I'm autistic. I'm 39, and all my life I've been thinking that I was just introverted, struggling with the perceived "irrationality" of my fears.
I'm a self-diagnosed autistic trans woman, and the phrase "do not perceive me" is something I think to myself a lot when I'm out shopping. Especially if I'm by myself.
I really want to have more people that are consistently in my life, but it's so difficult. This is definitely on me, as I never initiate contact, but it still sucks.
I've found that initiating contact in spaces designed for other autistics is way easier. The Double Empathy Problem cuts both ways - we can build community faster and better with those in compatible neurotypes. If we're the ones in greater supply in that space, if we're the moderators and thought leaders there, then it's not on *us* to be the ones to fit in by cutting off pieces of ourselves. I'm in a few discords where trans people or autistics outnumber everyone else, and it is an *amazing* relief.
as another autistic trans woman, i feel the same way. you're not alone, sis. I hope things get better for you❤
As a fellow trans fem and possibly autisic person (I am still trying to figure that one out), I fully agree.
How do you want to know that your autistic if you weren't diagnosed? Because autism can only be duagnised by a professionel.
@@projectpitchfork860 I added it up one time, the cost of what getting the autism diagnosis for me would have been, and it’s over $1k. Also, there’s no benefit to getting the diagnosis, since I live in a place that has no adult services for autistic folk. Also also, there are now laws in place in other states in the US that if you have an autism diagnosis, you cannot access transition care for any reason, and my state will absolutely jump on that bandwagon.
So yeah, to hell with getting a diagnosis, I’m listening to my autistic friends who are like, your brain works like ours does, here why don’t you take this RDOS quiz.
Helping old people while grocery shopping: brain happy!
Being recognized and greeted by old people i don't recognize: brain anxious!
Mica you’re being way too relatable for me. I’m seeing myself in this video and I’m not sure I like it.
Keep up the good work, Mica, ilysm
I've got ADHD and I relate to this so much. Between that and being trans not wanting to be perceived describes large parts of my life
I have ADHD too and relate to a LOT of this as well.
SAME SAME SAME
Hey, just wanted to say I discovered your videos just as I was going through my own autistic burnout (and diagnosis, at age 40) process and I wanted to say thank you. I absolutely love what you do and how you present your points and I think what you're doing is not just great, it's important.
You may only be presenting a curated version of yourself in your videos, but the self you present, at least, is a wonderful person and I think the world is a better place because it has you in it :).
😭🙏 thank you!!
As someone who unknowingly had ADHD for the longest time, I relate to the feeling of ashame out in public. I felt so bad about myself for being so bad at life for the longest time for having nothing to show for it dispite trying harder than I assume most people out there do.
I didn't understand what I was doing wrong, why I needed to look at the instructions for a task a lot more than other people, why I always forget easy stuff why more than my peers, why I wasn't motivated to do anything unless there was a strong sense of urgency, why couldn't do almost anything efficiently without a body double, and why I almost chronically got distracted by anything more interesting than what I was doing even from my own thoughts.
I have never heard someone able to describe the horrible hate and fear that I feel towards all other people when trying to do things right and stay away from said people. Thank you so much. I can’t even tell where mine came from, I don’t know if I had childhood trauma because I don’t remember most of it… I wish I knew more.
Thank you, Ember 💙
This is the most relatable video I’ve watched in years. All of it.
Running out of energy to pass/mask after years of putting myself into a job that requires socialising (supporting those with autism living within the community ironically) because it felt like the only way to get myself out there in any solid capacity.
Struggling with the wolves you mentioned and still doing so like an never ending trench war and constantly rationalising in order to keep myself from hating other people or myself the way I used to when I was younger.
Stretched and squeezed by changing seasons as much as my inconsistency when dealing with others. It’s exhausting but important to remember we’re not alone, else the lack of external perspective and exposure to the wider world makes my difficulties getting myself out there even harder than they need to be.
It’s a tightrope balancing between rest and recover to prevent burn out and pushing against myself against my comfort zone to prevent it getting any smaller and falling into isolation. It’s hard but it’s not any easier if we give up trying to maintain what few connection to others we’re able to make… in fact I’d say that’s worse.
Life is definitely more work for some than others but that doesn’t mean life isn’t worth living, even if we have to deal with others failing to see the extra efforts we make in order to keep up.
Thanks for the video.
thank you for helping me exposing my own pain. i stopped making videos when i was spotted one time making one. this is hard. i feel you.
I have never in my life seen someone discuss exactly how I’ve always felt, and I also have never been able to find the words for it. I felt like you were inside my brain, and yet I’ve struggled to explain this to others for so long! Thank you for this gift - I’ve just found your channel and I can’t wait to see more.
Mica, it's a huge step that you're not walking in a circle anymore. I hope you're proud of that because I sure am. And I found it very hopeful to see. 💖
This one hit close to home.
I'm a nurse and I like to think I'm pretty decent at it. The only thing is, I can't function properly if my patients are conscious and of sound mind, or infront of coworkers. Currently I'm working overnights, alone, with patients who can't communicate and I'm thriving. It's taken a long time to even figure out that this is what works for me. And I'm okay with it for now. I don't want to be this way forever though.
I’m actually in ore of you. I related to loads in this film. Im now 50 and going through my autism assessment. I now realise it’s the fear of how people perceive me rather than the fear of people. I absolutely love your channel. 😍
Wow, so relatable. I was also humiliated in primary school (because I dared to paint a duck in another colour other than yellow?!?) and I also had my last customer service job at 32. I haven't been able to work since. And I'm also currently doing that sort of "end-all" project giving the world one last chance before I retire to live without ever achieving anything.
Loved this video. I so appreciate your openness and vulnerability, especially at the end - this truly did humanize the process/struggle of creating, and still managed to inspire hope. Also many congrats to Boba on catching the fly :)
Thank you so much!
this whole video really hits home for me, but i especially want to thank you for showing yourself still wearing a mask!
13:50 I utterly fail at interviews. I got my current job (in a coffee shop) through a family friend and have been there for 10 years. Partly because the location (a train station) means that customer interactions are brief, partly because I've been relatively lucky that most of my colleagues have been... Also a bit weird, but mostly the fear of having to go through the job application process again, go through interviews, and meet a whole bunch of new people all at once.
I can relate so much to the fear of being genuine and vulnerable, of being perceived and judged unkindly. Your videos and your journey are inspiring, and I thank you for sharing.
when your born a land animal, but you long for the sea. no matter how much you asociate with the land animals, you will always be a fish, sometimes being misanthropic is a blessing, as we see things that others cant even comprehend in one lifetime. people dont deserve repect unless earned, as the masses headed straight for toilet paper, i will never forget that. im glad im me, and im glad people stare like im a freak, becuase, to them, im an alien from another world, and they are just cows eating grass in a field, so let them chew on it .
I love your voice and accent. I relate so much to this video. I feel like you wrote this in my head. I am newly diagnosed low-level autistic at 46 yrs old. It has been a confusing and frustrating life. Things are starting to make sense though. I am looking for people like you to learn from and to better understanding myself. Thank you-
Very relatable ❤ sure sucks not being able to do stuff because someone might see you doing it.
This is incredibly relatable! I've been trying for what seems like years to put myself out there and say something about what is important to me. Thank you for this!
AU/ADHD here, and honestly this makes a lot of sense and I feel everything you're saying genuinely. It took about 3 years after my diagnosis at 26 to really begin to identify my limitations and needs, what exhausts me and what I need to be comfortable and it was really sobering. I don't necessarily want to be alone/unperceived. More so I recognize I have trauma from the life before my diagnosis where I didn't know I was different, why people treated me poorly, and how aggressively antagonistically designed the social space is in favor of neurotypical perception. So while I would argue I am naturally extroverted the energy I get from people is functionally a slow poison if I have to mask to get it. So I spend a lot of time alone, recovering, working up the energy to mask so I can get just a little more.
It wasn't until the last year I began instead intentionally unmasking at times around people I trust and introducing them to the idea that they are unconsciously making the space hostile for people like me and making that opening for them to make an effort and show they care, or continue on and I'll know where I stand with them. And over time I am beginning to feel more energy. I can tell especially when it comes to my art. Two years ago I barely could find the energy, mentally and physically, to even doodle. But I'm able to spend an hour every other week or two to do a digital painting or some figure studies now. And my skills are growing just as fast now which gives me all the more confidence in moving forward.
I'm lucky in a way that I am able to "function" reasonably well so long as my routine is uninterrupted, but it is way more fragile than I realized and introducing new people to my life destabilizes it. It is a very tight balance to walk, needing the energy from others, needing the routine to not collapse in a spiral towards breakdown, and wanting so very much to make the space more comfortable for all people.
I don't think I've seen this "I don't wanna be perceived rn" sentiment anywhere else but it resonates so much, I actually said that to partners before. Don't really know how to articulate how eye-opening it was to hear that said by someone else and I *will* mention this to my therapist now lol
not being able to cope with service work is killer in the US. i mean that literally too.
thank you always for your inspiring words and your thoughtfulness.
♥
Thank you so much for making this video. So many of the experiences and feelings you've talked about hit really close to home, and I completely understand the inability and crippling fear that makes me unable to truly be myself in public. Even just mentioning that you froze up when in the sight of others makes me realize that I'm not alone in this, and that maybe things can work out if I keep trying. While I still have a long way to go, this video has helped provide a little bit of hope for me, especially in realizing that building up all of these internalized negative feelings and masking aren't exactly sustainable solutions. Again, thank you for having the courage to make this, and I sincerely hope that you can continue to find happiness and stability in this world that seems to screw us over at every turn.
I cried so much with this video, not because of sadness, because of how relatable everything you said is for me. Thank you for your work Mica.
im really excited for this video because while i'm autistic, i've never struggled much with anxiety so i want to understand more about it, to better understand some of the people i know. this looks like it will be enlightening!
I just googled "I hate people" and "I don't wanna be perceived" like 20 hrs ago and then I see this video recently uploaded. THANK YOU 🙌
I'm a 33 guy in the middle of my ASD diagnosis process, unemployed for 6 months. I've always tried to avoid people, 'cause I'm in physical pain whenever I have to interact, except when I'm giving classes. I'm a language teacher and I love it, but definitely not a fan of PR, marketing, finances, and everything else needed to get more and better students. I just can't sell myself, it feels so disingenuous to me, even when I've received great feedback from past students, the impostor syndrome keeps winning.
Some people have suggested I become a content creator so it's easier to showcase my skills and services, but it's so difficult, it's like having another job completely 😭 I don't really use social media, I hate being perceived even in digital form. I am so afraid of judgement, 'cause I know I judge others 😞 (even writing this comment is giving me full anxiety, pffft)
I'll try practicing in public like you did and maybe I'll be uploading a video here soon or have a bunch of TikToks ready to upload for the next 6 months, who knows. Once again, THANK YOU 🙏
Wish you the best.
You can do it!!
Languages are super cool, I believe in you!
So comforting to hear these thoughts. Thank you.
I don’t have any formal diagnoses yet, but there is certainly something neurodivergent about how my brain works. Social anxiety has truly disabled me. Even though I crave community and friendship, mutual understanding and care, I haven’t been able to bring myself to reach out. This video gave me a new perspective. The internet has brought so much positive opportunity for those of us who struggle being perceived in traditional social environments. I crave perception, but my past experiences have convinced my nervous system that perception is inherently and ultimately dangerous in my social circles. Your video helped me realize, I need new circles. Your call to action rattled something deep within me. I can create circles! Wow! Thank you again 🙂
i relate. ive wanted strongly to film myself outside for videos in the past and ive tried many many times and if i ever got to positioning my camera and hitting record id have already lost most of my brain, and if i had anything to say then the people walking by would be the nail in the coffin. i also feel really really weird seeing other people filming themself in public and doing arts like wall calligraphy and drawings, i'd just not understand how they could just be doing that (and my thought process would be very very complexly flawed, cause obviously they built up courage and they have a different brain than me, but it still baffled me how it was possible at all). also literally doing anything outside that isnt walking and maybe some discreet stimming is so hard for me. always always have a hard time being perceived, doing anything, to any amount of passengers outside
Thank you for this. I related so hard. I am at constant war with myself with trying to be both understood and heard but yet taking up as little space as possible.
This video was really painfully relatable!! Thank you so much for putting yourself out there like this, it means a lot. Especially the part about jobs, being unable to work the regular 9-5 is really isolating, and it's so nice to see you arrive in a spot that makes you happy (at least as far as I can see)! I hope I'll be this brave one day :) But for now, writing a comment is my filming myself outside moment
For years my favourite time to be outside is in rainstorms, was one of the best things about my time in the highlands, because the consistency of sound is calming and pairs well with nobody wanting to stop and chat.
This video spoke to me on so many levels; it's hard to put into words. I don't think I'm autistic but I do have diagnoses of ADHD and Dyspraxia and theres a lot of crossover there. I relate to so much here, the tendency towards misanthropy I see in myself, which I also dislike about myself, recognising a deep need for community, struggling to keep jobs, especially ones with strong customer focus, social anxiety, and feeling those same feelings of dispair and hopelessness but doing what I can to push past them. I've even considered trying content creation myself, but I've yet to get the confidence to give it a proper go. Thank you for this.
Liking this video is going to make the Algorithm think I like you. I don't know you at all. And my misanthropy and autism also shuts me away much of the time. What finally broke me was losing my last job, the software I was writing and the charity I had set up to make an observatory as the exit plan from that job. Losing my home and independence was the icing on the cake.
I appreciate you sharing so much behind the scenes of how filming around others - even your partner - scares you and how stifling it can be. Needing near total isolation to feel halfway comfortable as yourself, or at least getting good at hiding to do so. Not only is it something I feel myself, but that honesty is something so much content on autism/ADHD lacks. When creators edit and script themselves to appearing neurotypical, it creates a disconnect between the video discussing masking, social aversion, and other neurodivergent traits and the reality of them. This isn't a bad thing, it just makes seeing the traits for what they truly are more difficult...which is probably why I didn't know I was neurodivergent until I was 30.
Thank you. You make great videos. (also thank you for teaching me the word "gormless")
I waited a couple of weeks to watch this, both as a raging introvert, and as someone who struggles being in front of a camera (although for differing reasons I won't go into). I'm a non-speaking autistic person who had to be carer to both parents and siblings, and had to learn to advocate for them. I begun using YT for disability advocacy when other disabilities stopped/limited my use of other social media platforms, as an extension of the disability advocacy I do irl. I'm not sure people appreciate how exhausting even the simplest video can be. *Thank you* for this video. I felt this one in my bones, creaky as they are. I will say this about those who can take selfies and film tiktoks outside without feeling self conscious about it: they have autonomy over their image, and I'm glad of that.
I'm only 9 minutes in but already in tears from how much I see myself in this video, thank you for making another banger 🖤🖤🖤
The way you integrate the large scale social and political with the personal and intimate is brilliant. I'm currently doing medical research on the psychological and psychiatric impact of SLE/lupus. It's such a complex topic, and I'm convinced we'll only really make progress when we acknowledget the way that bodies and minds and the social environment are an integrated whole (and that capitalist patriarchy makes us sick!). Your vids are genuinely a model for explaining how that works
Wow thank you so much, you're going to love the video I'm writing now about alienation!
@@Ember_Green Brilliant! I definitely will! I just wrote something on anxiety as the basic affect of neoliberaism; alienation is such an important concept too
6:17 my partner and I talk about how the able bodied and minded people in the world are the ones with the super powers. Dissociation is not a superpower. Autism is not a superpower. Independence is a superpower, for us.
This really helped me. I'm currently suffering from isolation; I have no choice in a lot of cases, and it feels like I'm dying sometimes. It's comforting knowing there might be community out there for me if I keep looking, and its even more comforting to know that its not a bad, self centered thing to want people to remember me.
8:50 There must me some root to that because I use the exact same system. Nan for paternal grandmother and gran for maternal grandmother.
There were so many amazing things said in this video. I had never stopped to really notice how much weight I put behind even just perceiving myself in the mirror, let alone in the world. The ending segment where you opened up about the struggles of editing the video with footage of yourself really resonated and brought everything together and made it feel human. You might not have made the TikTok you wanted, but I feel like you’ve made great progress to that goal.
I have always been told that I am "just shy" and an introvert and (not so loudly, but still) that I shouldn't pretend I am something special whenever I tried to express those feelings. Today I think that it is very possible that I am "just autistic"... (not sure if it would be useful for me to be diagnosed). I really admire that you were able to speak out loud when in public, I can't even do that when home alone! And the manner you speak is just beautiful.
Thanks!
Thank you so much!
I was a bit late for the premiere, but I managed to watch all of it now... and I feel I really needed this. This felt both extremely validating and relatable, I really appreciate the effort you went through to make all of this a reality, as I see that it was very challenging ❤
As someone that constanly struggles with anxiety and self-doubt and it's still working on fixing my own issues (I started going to therapy 2 weeks ago!), I found myself nodding and just audibly saying to myself "YES, IT'S EXACTLY LIKE THAT" when you talked about being percieved and all the insecurities that come with it.
I wish I could go more on details on some things u said that really hit the mark and will definitely stay in my mind for a LONG time but... well it's all very well said and done in the video so I really don't have much to add.
All I'm gonna state is thank you, I really wish rn I could have financial independance so that I could join your Patreon, but maybe soon. 💞
Thank you so much for the comment, knowing that I'm reaching people is worth the most to me. That's why I'm here ❤
Gosh, I related to this video so much. The editing - seeing the look on your own face when you realise someone is listening / watching you. The switch from open and chatty to shut down and hyper vigilant. And the line about "going out of your comfort zone just makes your comfort zone smaller" - THANK YOU for that. I try to explain that to my partner. Exposure therapy doesn't work when the exposure is traumatic. It's not like it's just in my head - I'm outright rejected 90% of the time, for reasons I don't even understand, and I'm too tired to keep chasing the 10%, even though I know it would be life changing if I could "find my circle within a circle." Anyway. Thank you.
I put this on my watch later playlist in fear of this video being too emotional or too accurate for me to handle and never intend for those videos to actually being watched by me later. But i'm glad i watched it right away.
It's scary to take up space in a world where i feel that i'm in the way of other people all the time. Feeling like an inconvenience, a burden, or just a weird person back in middleschool. I think without my creative outlet i would be way more insecure. My art is a part of me that i can trust in and take pride in, talk about, show others. But sometimes i'm still ashamed that i'm pushing it in peoples faces, because i have nothing else thats interesting about me (except se exellent puns!!! But not many people like them).
I hope to one day work with other creatives. I feel like the creative workfields are like a hiding place for former weird kids and we can find each other there and support one another for the first time in our lives.
Thank you for your openness and bravery in this video.
LETS TAKE UP SPACE!!🎉
I've recently started binging your videos after finding your Aspie Supremacy vid (great one btw) and they (you) have given me this really nice, gentle yet profound sense of peace and inspiration, that I can work it out and that everything can actually come to a close and I can start living. This one made me feel seen. Thanks Ember, this is good work :)
i have major social anxiety sometimes and this video gave me hope. your comment about not wanting to even film at home when someone else is home completely relates to me, even my parents i have anxiety around. thank you for making this video !!
It was so amazing to watch this video, I relate a lot to that sense of isolation, and doing it because your afraid of getting hurt and don’t want to be hurt like in the past, for me its taking everyday one step at time Im hopeful one day to also find my circle within a circle. Really awesome video
in my journey of realizing myself, this video is full of things that I relate to. I've wanted to be a youtuber since smosh got popular and have never been confident enough to go through with it. I tried being a musician too, with that being the last thing i truly wanted, and when the pandemic came and ruined that temporarily, i just became a hermit instead, not pursuing any passions because that means people will look at it.
I always felt like I'm too late to something, like it's too late to be a youtuber or a musician or too late to pursue anything interesting to me. when I was a kid I saw bitcoin get bigger and bigger and it put an evil truth in my head that I'll never be able to start anything, and while I would say that 'it's never true' to a friend, I would believe that myself. it's like I'm a grifter for my own self advocacy.
I've been learning quite a bit about autism and trauma and being queer and trans and all the joys life offers if you just put yourself there, but I'm still not confident enough to try more than a bare minimum level of existence.
back to the video, i think loneliness is a unique type of marginalization, because inherently, you are away from people, where is much harder to build a community. there's gonna need to be a lot of unique and creative solutions to solve it
this was a pretty great video, it got me thinking a lot, and a little more inspired to be myself, if only inspiration itself could make change.
I’m AuDHD & really identify with a lot of this. Being perceived can be quite painful and make doing routine things like shopping or going on a walk in public incredibly draining. Also totally off topic but that sage green colour (silk robe) looks STUNNING on you.
Filming at Alexanderplatz seems soooo stressful. I have a difficult time just *being* at Alexanderplatz, because too many people. I think a bunch of times I've gone into misanthropy, just disappointed in all the lack of care, introspection and everything that 'normal' (typical? normative?) people exhibit a lot of the time (I'm on the adhd side of things). I have come down on the side of empathy and I stay there most of the time. I'm trying to find my circle of people as well and maybe things are starting to come together (though I have trouble trusting in that). I really admire the art that you're doing
As an autistic adult, this spoke to me deeply. I feel like UA-cam can lead to me setting enormously high social expectations for myself, since even a lot of autistic creators appear so put together after editing (and a general aversion to showing negative personal attributes). Its not their fault, but when so much of my social interaction ends up being parasocial on here, it can easily warp your expectations. Being social is hard, especially when 90%+ of the population can't empathize.
Only part way through the video rn. I'm a mix between doomer and introvert. I've just had so many shitty things happen to me by people I once trusted. Strangers and especially family... I just can't trust people like I used to, and I'm jealous of those who can and seemingly never get hurt for it. It's just not fair. Now I socially isolate myself, although I don't really want to all the time. I'm just so tired.
Highly relatable and insightful, as always. Also, you did great getting the footage you did... hats off to you for giving it your best.
Really feeling the filming in public anxiety; i've tried several times to pick up photography over the years and it's been a smattering of crappy shots from mostly empty public parks at best since I never want to be "That Guy With A Camera" anywhere.
the way you described your work history hit me deeply. i'm currently between jobs, again, and i just. i don't know what i'm going to do.
7:46 omg I relate to this so much. Like, it's hard enough having a voice chat with my friends when we're gaming, but for some reason if there's someone else in the house I am uncomfortable for whole new reason. It's as though I'm scared of my wife judging me, which is utterly ridiculous when I say it out loud but it's the only rational explanation for how I feel. I'd hazard a guess it's because I went through much of my life being mocked by my peers for how I spoke. My non-accent being perceived as "posh", my large vocabulary also as "posh" but also as, I think, pretentious? Not to mention my formal speaking style...
On the point about perception, during the pandemic, I found I loved wearing a mask in public, especially along with a hat. It made me realise how powerful niqab can be. Having that control over what of yourself you let other people see is great (although I am conscious that my experience of public perception will be very different to most niqabis and other Muslim women in the "West"). Having a physical mask meant I was less obligated to socially mask for the gaze of strangers
I liked the video and I liked your presentation of the struggles. I have social anxiety and mask as well. Never diagnosed with anything but depression, but to be fair I have never really been very vulnerable and totally honest with a therapist. Maybe it is just depression, maybe I am on the spectrum but I KNOW I struggle to understand social cues, am very self conscious, mask fairly well (most people think I am an extrovert but I absolutely am NOT), and suffer from a fair bit of misanthropy. Thank you for sharing your experience. This is the first video I have seen from you and will be checking out more of your channel now.
I've shared that misanthropic impulse, seeing a world that doesn't just hurt me, but callously hurts so many others and doesn't seem to care. But my outlook has never been to hide from it, because I know I can't If I can't flee, then all I can do is fight. Which is why in my most misanthropic moments, I want to expire from the world while charging straight toward the worst parts of it and screaming my defiance.
I relate to this completely other than the fact that I don't find it comfortable sitting indoors by myself. Everything in me is feeling constantly starved of social interaction, yet I'm terrified of it to the point of freezing up. I always want to be out doing things with other people. Being myself in public. But I can't. It's the worst feeling in the world.
Wow, I relate to so much of this. As another world traveler (Rotary exchange student to Germany for a year in high school, had no idea I was autistic back then) it was lovely seeing you out and about in Berlin. As someone who also has plenty of legitimate reasons to hate and give up on people (including similar work experiences like you shared), for reasons I still can’t explain … I just can’t. Maybe it’s partly because I know people like you, and so many other beautiful and talented artists and creators here and everywhere, exist. ❤
Hit really close to home, especially the part about being burnt out on masking for employment. Your struggles are many others as well and in sharing them it lightens the load a bit, or at least that's my read on it. Thanks
oh no the "i was unable to record something if i knew my partner was home" i hate how much i relate to this
I feel this so much. When I go in public, I wish for people to leave me alone. I feel them looking at and judging me, even for fleeting moments.
In a previous video, you said you believe you also have ADHD. If you haven't already, you may also want to read about Rejection Sensitivity or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. I found that a lot of my social anxiety stemmed from this. Therapy and medication have helped, but it's still a challenge to not worry about other people observing and ostracizing me.
This video hit so close to home, one of my biggest fears as an audhd guy is being perceived but at the same time I've always felt painfully isolated and alone. By the end I couldn't help but feel so choked up with empathy for you. I can't thank you enough for the work you do on this platform, I've been watching a ton of your videos over the last few days and they've all resonated with me and helped me so much. I'm so grateful that you exist, I'm so grateful that you're here and I'm so grateful that you let us perceive you for a little while, even though it's hard. I hope you get to make that bus stop tiktok one day if you haven't already.
Mica, thank you SO MUCH for this video!! I'm autistic and a leftist anarchist, and up until this point, I've never had the language to express that EXACT feeling of having so many wishes to create community and leading change, but also being isolated most of the time because being outside and around people usually overwhelms me. Thank you so much for constantly helping me betger communicate myself. Much love from Latin America ❤
In 2005 I started my first business, and it was the best decision I ever made.
Chronic illness has prevented me from working for the past two years but now I'm starting a new business, using my experience to help people start their own self-employment journey. For neurodivergents and people with chronic illness self-employment can be a viable option.
I relate so hard to this! Had to skip out on a thing tonight because of sensory overload and that people would perceive me. I don’t really regret it either, and tbh I am kind of annoyed at people who only ever invite me to big events at loud noisy pubs but never small events somewhere quiet. I want to have a community but I'm not willing to harm myself in the process.
So much in this video feels very familiar.
I found it helpful to really live out my misanthropy, both with my facial expression and by actually jelling at people that annoy me. And it creates a nice and comfy vicious circle: When I still feel uneasy around people and think they are staring at me, I get more enraged automatically. To the point where I really don't care about my surroundings any more. Another positive aspect of the vicious misanthropy circle is that most people appreciate anger and rage and everyone just loves you instantly. Yes, some sarcasm ... although ... this is how I survived school ... 🙁
I think niot caring and letting that out can really help and is healthy, I guessdegree and situational, but if people like you honest, they like you.
Honestly i think eveyone needs to live out their negative somewhat not destractive.
And not caring can help, in school i guess not being bullied or so?! Not no caring, not caring what others think too much.
The fact that I relate to this viscerally gives me the feeling that as well as having ADHD there might be some other factors at play. Especially the part about having been criticized and mocked for misunderstanding social cues or questions or simply some terminology sticking so tenaciously throughout the years that it conditioned you to avoid people altogether. It’s actually making me kind of emotional that a simple video is able to comfort me and make me feel seen when up to this day I thought there was something wrong with me for not being able to function socially to the same standard as others.
It's no wonder how people like us can become misanthropes, when the interactions we have with others can simultaneously offer us less benefit than most people, and can hurt us more than most people. When you try to meet people, or just be out in the world, every single stranger has your heart in their hands. They could crush you and not even mean to. Who wants to risk that?
Wow this is so relatable.
You make a difference. Thank you.