An idea that changed my love life
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- Опубліковано 28 лип 2024
- The idea is to make this into a series about finding and keeping love, where I break down different concepts and ideas about human relationships. What are your thoughts?
This book absolutely blew my mind: geni.us/atchsmdt
Chapters:
00:00 - Introduction
00:42 - The Attachment Styles
01:27 - Part I: The Codependency Myth
01:59 - I. Defining Codependency
03:06 - II. Our Biological Nature
05:29 - III. The Dependency Paradox
07:22 - IV. Self-Validating + Communicating Needs
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Please share your experience with codependency.
Lana, whenever we are having a fight at times when I feel like I cannot communicate my messed up thoughts and emotions enough to be heard and understood, I just can’t help but to self-harm with cutter or scissors as if my wrist is a delicate paper. I just can’t stop it no matter how hard I try as I find it really addicting. Maybe this is how deeply attached I am to someone that I even let the depth of sadness become too familiar in my life and get used to it because I do not know who I am without it. Perhaps I am just a wandering sad soul deprived of happiness in this scary world.
Every Sunday i am codependent on Lana’s uploads. 😢
I believed for a long time that what I feel for this person is true love, unconditional love. She blocked me and for 2.5 years I believed she would come back. So I did the no contact, no stalking thing for 2.5 years, waiting, but she never came. Then I said screw this I'm gonna check her socials (in a different account) and honestly... I'm so glad I did! Because only then I could realize that she is just not the person whom I believed her to be. Yes, the realization was shocking at first, but seeing what she had become made it easier for me to let her go. Now I still believe it was real love, but it was love for a past version of herself that don't exist anymore. I know about attachment styles, mine is (was) definitely an anxious one. These attachment styles stem from a childhood abandonment wound.
i met a girl at high school and we became very close for three years. in those years i couldn't do anything without her that make me feel boring and barely cared a lot abt other people than her. my self esteem was based on what she thinks of me and i got so anxious every time she leaves without me afraid she'll meet someone else and stop like me. when we stopped to talk i literally felt like i was living another life, that i was a diferent person. started to see my individuals needs and to be honest it's fun cause i have such low self esteem i've been in my life since she dumbed me.
@@milenis318 Basically this. When you get attached to an emotionally unavailable person, it's almost as if you become more dependent, because your needs are never met but you keep expecting that maybe one day they'll be compassionate enough to meet your needs. You keep trying, being the best friend/partner you can but it never gets reciprocated, so instead of focusing on yourself you focus on what could you have possibly done wrong that makes the other person not want be emotionally available to you. But being in a toxic relationship, it's not that you did something wrong to them, rather that's just the way they are, uncaring no matter how you treat them.
On the other hand when you get attached to someone that meets your needs, you aren't constantly worrying about your needs, you can go out in the world and focus on your passions knowing that you have a solid foundation, a safety net.
I've been through this. When I decided to let go of my toxic friends (one of them had ghosted me with no explanation) it was painful at the beginning but as days went by, I started to realize so many things, it was like if I had pitch black opaque shades on and then they fell off and I could finally see clearly that among other things, my needs were never being met and that was never going to change, and that I was invalidating my own needs to not make them feel uncomfortable.
If you are in a friendship/relationship where you can't openly talk about your needs without the fear of getting judged, labeled and lectured with a lot of empty rationalizations about how you should be able to thrive living just like a robot, like a cold machine, then maybe you should look for new friends/partner, people that don't make you feel that you are less or broken for expressing your emotions.
Once I read "hyper-independece is a trauma response" and it stuck with me for YEARS
She look like Jessi's gf
Well yes it’s the avoidant way - most often people go from dependency to this cause codependency and narcissism are two sides of the same coin 🪙
more like oxytocin
YESSSS
When you have someone to depend on, you feel comfortable being more independent
"The truth is, we will never create a really strong, secure connection if we do not allow our lovers to know us fully or if our lovers are unwilling to know us."
That's true. Love is something for the brave.
True. Real intimacy in a relationship is only possible when you're able to open to your partner with anything, any emotion and being fully accepted. Not necessarily understood by your partner but feeling seen, feeling your partner's compassion in a way instead of negatively reacting, telling you to "get your shit together", dismissing your emotions rather than honouring them. Very rarely we have couples these days that can do that.
I am 27 years old and never had a girlfriend.
Because I bought this idea that I needed to love myself and be independant first before trying to find a someone.
And I can confidently say that I destroyed a part of my life.
I was only creating a comfort zone for not trying to be vulnerable in the eye of someone else.
Feeling that much loneliness caused me alot of stress, overweigh, anxiety, disconnection to reality.
And I guess alot of poeple and I, like this idea of being "a god without emotion" but it's merely an unrealistic desire to counteract our true nature.
Welp I felt that. I just realized it lately that its literally a comfort zone and being vulnerable shows you how beautiful relationships can be.
A lot of people misunderstand the idea of independence, thinking it is to be cold and not vulnerable, to do it all on your own. If you are just acting independent and not enjoying it, you haven’t broken past the actual purpose of it, which is to craft maturity when handling situations. It doesn’t mean to be a Cold Lone Ranger never asking for help. One can be independent and be vulnerable in a relationship, it’s called inter-dependence. Too many little nuances to be generalised and covered through one word.
I appreciate your comment.
F*** all that, watch Wheat Waffles.
Brave comment! I think you are in a great place to work on being open about your feelings and struggles with everyone you meet not just partners. We know that being vulnerable is key for building strong bonds with people in your life, including friends and family. People appreciate you doing so they won't run! (If they run they are fucked hahah)
I honestly think everyone should learn about attachment theories. It allowed me to be a bit more compassionate to myself and also understand others. I'm in a much healthier relationship now than what I was prior to learning about these theories. Great video lana!
What attachment style do you have?
Your channel is so cute Rhiane, i love the content !!
I remember one time I told my friends that I wanted a boyfriend, I wanted someone to spend time with. My friend literally said “well I don’t need someone, I’m able to stand by myself, and be independent.”
This made me feel so much shame for wanting a relationship. This video made me feel not so guilty and it’s ok so desire partnership.
I like this video.
Was you friend a man? If so, that’s how men are. If your friend was a female it’s bc she was once co dependant(stage 5 clinger)
Of course it is ok to desire partnership. There’s a difference between want and need. And your friend wasn’t listening to you. You said it’s something you want, not need. And it’s something that is very human.
There is no need to feel shame.
I’m a man and I don’t think either way, specifically. The whole “women are from Venus, men are from Mars” concept is a fallacy, based on sweeping generalisations and ridiculously binary.
@@elhorrendo7026 if you believe in god life is binary
@@elhorrendo7026 even belief is binary. You believe that its not binary and I do. So inherently there is right and wrong in this reality.
I used to be that kind of person, who gets attached to people pretty quickly, thinking that they are the best people in the world, that if kept myself around these people my life would transform, etc. But in the reality, I was forgetting myself in that process. I was the one who text them in the first place, I was the one who seeks for their validation, even if I don't like it. I started expecting too much. In the end, when they left, I was the one who hurt. I became so negative in 2021, and as a result, I ended up losing, so many people from my life. Gradually I realized that I can't make everyone stay in my life. I can't force anyone. You may be the best person in the world for others, but if you are not getting along with me, you are not right for me, I understand this fact quite late. Now I no longer feel attached to them. It's good to connect with people, care about them, and appreciate them for the little things they bring in your life, but you must not compromise your mental health, in order to please someone. If a person cares about you, he or she will respect every aspect of your personality.
I literally binge watch/listen to all your videos while working. Your voice has an amazingly calm, serene, focused, chill and loving sensation, perfect for people like me with "hyper focus"/"moody" working patterns to focus and complete their work. Kudos to your hard work Lana!
Thanks a lot! :)
I've been always convincing myself that i don’t need anyone because i don’t want them to think that i need them but now I realize in this way I become dependent unconsiciously. You lighted me up.
When Lana said we have to be reliant on our loved ones to be independent, I think she is right. We need strong social support to feel safe and secure before be can be independent. However, I don't necessarily agree that we have to derive that independence from romantic partners, especially in the early stage of the relationship. It's not stable yet. Instead, we should first rely on safe, long term relationships like friends and family.
I literally needed to hear this 40 years ago. Oh well. Next life, I'll be ready.
I think every truth has it's area of validity and it's limits..., at the begining, when we're kids we kinda feel like we'll need someone else..., but The multiplications of divorcés, unhappy and unlhealthy relationships, and how love can be heartbreaking sometimes, created these ideas of, i only need myself, which May truly be usuful, after à divorce for exemple..., but it's not the greatest way to find someone...
So don't blâme yourself plz, u had at least half of the truth, and i'm sure even though what lana says is true, it's not miraculus either...
Ps : sorry for my english
Can’t wait for part 2, this video was amazing it cleared up so many things about misunderstandings around dependency and attachment styles. ❤️
I'm so glad you exist. I feel like you are so good at expressing personal things and I no longer feel like being stuck in confusion and doubt. Your videos make a huge impact on my life and I thank you for that! God Bless you, Lana! Will support you always!
Lana, listening to your thoughts and hearing your voice is like being in a dark, remote part of the world and experiencing the awe of the galaxy in the night sky…utterly memorizing. I am just a speck of stardust formed into a conscious being who is fortunate to experience someone who makes me feel connected to all of the beautiful chaos that surrounds you, me and everyone else on this tiny blue dot in the universe. You are wonderful.
You just never miss. I’ve been wrestling with this idea a lot recently and the past few days really getting into attachment styles and need for independence. You just always capture what I’m going thru
I am thankful for you mentioning the problem with the idea that you have to be completely independent, to have a healthy relationship. Many relationship coaches share this idea - often times without any critical differentiation. I myself always felt a kind of dissonance when confronted with this. I approach many problems with a philosophical, logical way and therefore constantly asked: Why should you go into a relationship in the first place, when you are completely independent and satisfied? With the years of experience and reflection, I started to come up with a rather pragmatic approach: Feel and accept your needs, but don't pressure anyone. It is a huge difference, when I communicate my needs in a relaxed manner, where the other person feels that their needs are just as important and that we both have the space to be ourselves and to grow. When you find someone with which you share the critical agreements and both have the maturity to patiently build up a healthy relationship, the needs of both will be met. In such a dyad there is not much reason for emotional starving. With most things it is a matter of balance.
I completely agree and relate. Lana's comment section is filled with insightful comments.
If I'm COMPLETELY independent and happy on my own then why would I get into a relationship where I can be hurt? Too great a risk for too little reward. That's the risk of being too logical in love Ig.
I've recently realized something. "being completely happy and satisfied without a relationship" is not needed as a requirement to have good relationship. But the ability to regulate and meet our own needs by ourselves and others (family and friends) to a certain extent is needed. Otherwise we'll put too much pressure on our SO who is also a human being, who also has needs. Relationship is essential, not a luxury.
Indeed, communication solves mostly a lot of the problems rather than putting expectations and waiting or acting upon the expectation.
Thank you for sharing this.
this makes sooo much sense! just came out of a dependency-unbalanced relationship. mind blowing!
Thank you so much for this video! My codependency journey has been one of the toughest battles in my life leaving me with a lot of shame and guilt leaving me thinking that maybe is best not to date as I can't have "healthy bonds" with people All of these videos help me to understand myself better why am I the way I am, how can I look for better potential partners and how communication is key.
Lana, thank you for the message on this video. I've just gone through a situation that was somewhat difficult to overcome, despite being very rational about I was still suffering a bit, but this video really helped me. I'm very grateful for that. Keep doing these videos. You're talented and the world's needs more of it. Hugs from Brazil
This came just in time Lana, thank you. I would personally love to see this turn into a series!!
This video is so relatable, can't wait for the next part. I have had these and similar questions for so long and always struggled with finding an answer. Thank you for making these videos.
Thank you for this video Lana, we never take the time to appreciate being dependent on a person, and when suddenly that person disappears, we notice how attached we were to that person
Thank you for this video. You’re the only one I’ve heard ever say this. I feel ruined by my failures and what society says you have to be as far as being the, “hard, independent, depend only on you” person that is supposed to make you a more attractive person. No. I’m 45 years old and haven’t been in a relationship in more than 10 years and it’s killing me. I’m a crazy successful person as far as career and life and I have no one to share it with. Nowadays if you express anything that you have shared here, you’re called a SIMP or weak. This is doing a lot of damage to us as people. Your message and what you are sharing here is what we need to get back to if we really connect the way we are supposed to. Thanks.
Lana just today I was searching for videos on how to remain calm and I watched one of your videos and I just want to tell you that you have helped me so much in my life and you don’t even know, I am grateful, keep up the good work. love you always ❤️❤️❤️
I'm 24 young men, and I struggle really with relationships and validation. You really helpt me today, to understand the subject a little more. Thank you, Lana. Greetings from Germany!😁
I really adore your vibe
adore dee's nutz
You finally made it all make sense. I have heard these words many time but they way you put them explains everything. Thank you
Thank you. This seems to say to open up and be vulnerable about needs rather than hiding. Release fear to find love.
Thank you for making this, Lana. Everyone can really learn and benefit a lot from this single video. This video has helped me so much than from the books and quotes I have read. I always find your videos helpful. Thank you again.
Ok interesting. This sort of confirms what my intuition has been telling me all along, despite all this clamoring for "being complete on your own", being independent and aloof and not needing anybody. As someone who did not have a safe space while growing up, I have longed for this kind of thing ever since I can remember. This need was preyed upon by various probably narcissistic people in different times of my life.
Also, ever since I started getting deeply involved with Buddhistic teachings and non duality, the boundary we draw between ourselves and everything else seems more and more arbitrary and artificial. You do not end where the body ends, everything from your surroundings to your friends acquaintances forms an intricately connected web. Everything depends on everything else.
Excited for part two, keep it coming!
Thank you Lana for sharing. I know that I have struggled for years trying to balance my self sufficient independence with my desire to share my life and time with someone special. And it's when I am alone, surfing IG, and everyone is telling me 'Be strong!, be independent!, don't rely on another person, for anything!, you don't need anyone!, learn to live alone', that I find myself becoming more anxious and depressed thinking, Oh My, somethings wrong with me?!?! It's nice to see a video that tells me I am fine, normal and not 'Needy', I am human and it's ok to feel as I do. I am looking forward to your next video in this series.
Good idea breaking this up into segments! Your work is admirable in whatever aspect you choose love 💓 thank you!!
You have this method that amazes me as a viewer and makes me continue to learn from what you provide, I loved the way of presentation and photography, it is completely different. Thank you keep it up 👍🏻
Haven’t been here in about a year but wow your looking radiant, keep doing whatever your doing Lana best of luck
Love this SO much! It's been a long time I've seen such a Hugh quality and impactful video on this platform. I'm excited for the upcoming parts! Thank you
Thank you so much for this video. People saying they don't need someone always makes me feel bad for wanting one, like I'm just weak and can't be self-sufficient
I am struggling with the anxiety of being too dependent on an other person every time when dating someone. Especially today I was feeling miserable and was constantly asking myself whether I was overreacting and expecting ,,too many” things from a certain person. But your video really helped me to feel better, to decide what I need to feel valued and whether the person is the ,,right” one for me or not
Thank you so much!
I am studying to be a CPS worker and attachment is one of the things we learn about in developmental psychology. The reason being that our attachment style is mainly determined by our experiences with our main caretakers from birth until 4-5 years of age. I definitely agree that understanding your attachment style can help you greatly to navigate your relationships, romantic or otherwise.
Really enjoyed this! A great perspective on this topic. Hope to see more.in the future. You're awesome!
This is some good advice. I think the more we allow ourselves to be vulnerable the deeper the other person falls in love. I know this because that’s the exact reason why I love my husband ✨
This was spot on! Attatchment styles and their understanding can change your life in so many ways, and can help you understand life through many different lenses. Truly life changing! I advise anyone to enrol in Thais Gibson's attatchment courses, they really changed my life. Everyone has something to work on and these courses are superb and you will see a massive difference in every aspect of your life
i literally adore you, your vibe is everything ❤️
Throughout my life, I've always felt like love isn't something that I'm meant to have. All of my experiences throughout my life primarily consists of people I don't socially mesh with (for some weird reason the people I do socially mesh with are taken or there's some other reason where a relationship wouldn't work), getting taken advantage of (literally most of my high school experience), or my insecurities telling me that it's too good to be true and I cut contact (if that makes any sense).
Reading your comment I felt like you were talking about me.
I guess I am not alone.
You're both probably more comfortable around attached people bc you're secretly gun shy with relationships
thank you for making this type of contents lana it is very helpful we love you
wwh, you know?
💯💯🧠💫
you gave me a lot to think about Lana. as you usually do!
definitely going to read the book
wish you'd write your own book. i'll be the first to pre-order it no matter what it was about
I love this new series!!
I love your videos soo much ❤️. it's full of positivity and inspiration and ofcourse i have to appreciate you elegance and this hairstyle looks good on you . love you lana
Great work Lana! This video is very informative and seeing your puppy playing with you is a nice addition. I missed you a lot!
I had this cartoon idea: two gravestones that read: "Hold on, you don't want to come across as desperate!"
The point: two people that liked each other from a distance died alone after having spent their lives playing the lurking game instead of just going for it.
Wow thats beautiful. I mean a beautiful moral. Are you going to draw it?
The case with many people these days unfortunately
Very informative, Lana, and another awesome video! You really have amazing insight!
Wow, that was SO well explained. Brilliant, thank you. Really helpful.
Many admire your social and physical appearance.
This is really comforting to know. I've always been afraid of coming across as needy, so I've ignored the fact that my needs aren't met. My partner kept telling me he wished I was more independent, and so I really thought any level of dependence on him was not healthy. But this video has reassured me that my natural inclinations are completely natural. I regret not communicating my needs earlier in the relationship, regardless of what my partner's reaction would be. I was so focused on not appearing needy, that I forgot to ask whether I'm even happy in a relationship where my needs aren't met.
Yes ❤ are your needs getting met now?
Great video! I have often thought the co-dependency view wasn't right. It's refreshing to hear someone put into words and clarify a belief you have but haven't reasoned why you have that belief.
It's a little like the view you should never want or try to change someone you are in a relationship with. In reality, we all do it to some degree, and it can often be for the benefit of our partners, like encouraging them to stop smoking. It all depends on how much you are trying to change them and why.
I look forward to part 2
More sensible, realistic, and evidence-based than the entire manosphere. Refreshing. Thank you.
Hey, just want to leave this comment here, this is the second video that appears to me from your channel, and I'm absolutely stunned in how your content got to be so good and well done! For the first time I really felt like "someone is talking about what I think and feel" and having this felt really good and comforting. Btw all the aspects of the video are very pleasent too: from writing and filming to your voice. I'm loving your channel and definitely am staying for more of your content. Loved the video.
This was great! Very excited for this series, Lana!
Hi Lana. I really appreciate your explanation into the heart and the psyche. And that you cite your reference material.
It would be so cool to talk with you about the many subjects you discuss. You’re an insightful, luminous and clear human being.
Hey Lana ❤️❤️❤️
By the way your hairstyle REALLY suits you. I know this isn’t recent but I haven’t seen such a beautiful hair on you than this 😍😍💖
How the heck did I not come across your channel before? The production quality, the writing, and your overall presentation is amazing.
Thank you Lana! That was a breath of fresh air.
Finally someone talks about this instead of repeating the same mantra over and over. Thank you so much for this video!!
i've had some beliefs for years and some developed recently only. i soo feel they're molded to a better shape now. not just love-life related, but so much of other stuff that i feel to be dealing with rn.
Love this types of videos!! I can't wait for part 2!!
Thanks for introducing me to this book! Currently reading it right now and it provides insights to me and my current relationship. For some reason gives me sense of relief and security in my turbulence on my relationship
One of your best videos yet! And I've been watching on and off since 2018 :)
Can't wait to see the part 2...thank you for this!
you know, i find it funny that i had this in my mind for a long time now. My sister has told me soo much about how our family is very co-dependent & it is due to not expressing what they think or feel often. They usually avoided topics or calmly clashing.
Now, my sister & i are working hard to be independent & striving to be on our own but, deep down i knew that being completely independent is hard because its in our DNA to socialize & rely on eachother.
That's why kids have this energy & thought process where they can take on the world, it's because they loving parents or other loved ones that have ther back & can depend on if things go south
Communication is key once again
Heyy!! Lana I really really really appreciate your videos so so so much you inspired me so so so much and I will support you till end ✨♥️😭
Yes thank you for breaking it up, that's a magnificent amount of information to hear and consider. Especially from someone distractingly attractive. Thanks for sharing.
Absolutely loved this! Absolutely need more! Thank you so much for this!
I love your relationship videos :) So glad you are getting into attachment theory. The book attached is a bit limited in covering it. But hope you make more videos on what you find out about it :)
It's beautiful, To have someone to tell whenever your feelings step out of the normal zone. It's not that we can't be independent. It's just that when you have someone it's easier.... Stronger together...
*Completely different personalities,yet a bond like this can keep you together. And the word for it is just, beautiful. It's human nature*
love her review mindset, see though conditions have biases and there are conditions within peoples conditions which makes things complicated as 2 people always want 2 different things yet share same goals in life, human mindset complexity and human spirit is beyond us but the intent is always clear if people pay attention.
Definitely looking forward to the next part of this mini series!
OMGGG NEW VIDEO I LOVE U LANA LIKE SERIOUSLY UR SO AMAZING UR VOICE IS SO HEALING
You have such a soothing, mellow voice! I could lizten for hours❤️
Brilliant synopsis! Very well interpreted and explained. Very good points; I've so struggled in relationships around the issue of togetherness versus personal space, depending or relying on the other versus self-reliance, etc. I agree that it's a myth that "enlightened people" can coexist in a relationship without ever really needing the other. Once you are deep into a relationship, you are inevitably interdependent and should be, or else it's really not a relationship, but a detached and fragile and ambiguous forever never fully defined relationship. I agree it's in our biological nature to become dependent to some healthy degree on another, and that's good for us spiritually and emotionally, and can even provide the secure base in which to branch out in ways we might not have otherwise (as you talked about). Having said all this, obviously there's a huge range of levels of healthy interdependence depending on the personalities involved. And two people might be very different in this way, and that can create tremendous conflict no matter how much effort to make it work. As you said, you have to honestly assess whether this person can meet your needs, assuming you are not expecting too much from them because you never got those needs met early in life. But l do believe we should never give up on finding another and trying again, as we become wiser, even if we feeling like hamburger after a loss. Our being is innately able to heal and get ready for something new.
Q
Hey Lana. I am mostly free of codependency. I have seen it countless times in others and I have seen them come to ruin.
As human being it is my (and that of all human beings) reson d’antre to evolve beyond the simple, primitive instincts, but rise above with love.
I understand your reference to the needs as human beings to be understood and supported by our lover. However, our journey is ours and only ours.
So many beautiful human beings have loved me as I have them.
Mostly they provide lessons that we can, eyes and hearts open, learn from. And love (a detached love, the purest of all) intact, we move in and out of another’s lives. Relationships do not end, they simply change context. And we learn from these experiences founded on love.
this really changed my perspective. thank you for sharing 🤍
That hit the nail right on the head. Dependency leads to Independence very strong statement because two people should bring the best out of one another
I have read this book. So glad you are doing those hopefully it will continue to help others
This video actually came into use today so thank you Lana
There are many nuances here to be effectively covered just by one word - dependence. Easily many co-dependent or immature people may use this video as an excuse, or generalise the meaning of codependency and attachment. It still stands that a person needs to fulfil their own needs WITHOUT the expectation, and with gratitude when another offers their help. Rather than saying codependency vs independence, what’s needed is a basic level of maturity. And thus, what is meant by healthy co-existence is interdependence, NOT codependence.
Insightful and elegant as usual. Great job. Thanks.
This is the video I didn't knew I needed. I would like to share a thing about my life on relationships. Even though I am only 18 years old, which is quite less for the thing I am going to write. So after my relationship of 3 years failed, I completely hated the feeling of LOVE. I never really wanted to be loved by a "guy" specifically. I hated the thought of marriage, true love & having someone special in my life. I had no expectations for love anymore. (yes the stupid immature thoughts)
Cut to the present, I am with a person of my age, We have been spending time since 4 months & I can't describe how beautiful life seems to be. It doesn't mean I wasn't happy alone. I was very peaceful being alone too & I always had the thought that I just wanted to be INDEPENDENT & never fall in love, because love makes you weak (yes again my poor thoughts). I never really knew the feeling of LOVE could also be very positive & happy. So going to coaching together, going cycling, going together to drink our favorite cold coffee, enjoying in the rain, waiting for him & when he waits for me. Knowing that a person would do absolutely anything to bring a smile. All of these moments make me feel very blessed & complete. Living life with somebody else is so fulfilling & lovely. This age is never going to come back, and these days are never going to come back, I am so grateful to meet him & live my days with more happiness. Love is a great & very pure feeling. I want everyone to experience days like this. I thank you Miss LANA, for this great video. This really opened my mind & changed my perspective on the misconception I have always had about Love & falling in love. We need more people like you.
Love are psychological processes derived from evolution, that is why you are feeling this way and there is nothing more to it although preferably you would also have children.
@@Danuxsy hey i am not sure i understand. can you please explain what you said? i am so sorry
@@mahako_ the emotions you are going through, first rejecting love and then now as you are growing older, finding it again. This is a predetermined psychological process which has its origin in evolution. We are animals and from the perspective of evolution we exist to procreate (have children) thus the emotions you are having about love, you'll probably "want" children in the future too for this same reason.
@@mahako_ He is simply telling that love is only a chemical that exist until human have a baby.
@@Danuxsy oh i understand now. thanks
Without question, anxious is the core of me. Fear of everything that could go wrong not just in relationships but in all aspects of my life. That being said, there are pieces of both secure and avoidant that are part of who I am as well. I keep these things to myself and deal with them internally and I avoid many situations because of irrational fears that make little to no sense to have given what I have already accomplished. Yet, I did have a very good upbringing and family. But in the social settings outside of my home, I often felt on the receiving end of an avoidant experience. Life in the real world and the life in the bubble of your home gives you can be very contrasting indeed.
I see the anxious style as the constant, but I see the desire for companionship as a function of my stable and nurturing upbringing (secure) at the same time as my drive to avoid risk at all costs (avoidance). These two things are at odds with each other. Basically, a person in this state of mind is in a position where they want something more but are too afraid to take the plunge. This, in turn, raises the question "Does such a person even deserve it?" As a civilization, the west feels so entitled to things that they never even ask such a question. They just blame the rest of the world, never take responsibility, and just hope the rest works itself out magically. Naive.
On the topic of codependency, it is important to differentiate between one's own identity and the relationship. The relationship you build together is an idea that both of you (hopefully) are very much on board with. It gets dangerous though when the relationship BECOMES your identity. It can destroy you, and that thought further feeds into the anxious style.
Make no mistake though, these things are caused by us. We make our beds and we must lie in them. The only part that grinds my gears is when people make their beds and then look at you like you're the reason their bed is made. And so, they refuse responsibility, expect the positive outcomes as if they DID take responsibility, and refuse to lie in it.
That's my take
People kept telling me that a healthy relationship is where there are no expectations. I have always questioned that notion because why would I be in a relationship in the first place if I know that I shouldn't rely on my partner ever? I am beginning to accept that there is not cookie cutter answer to this because peoples needs are a whole spectrum It's much more about being able exist in the grey area and learning about what works for us and what doesn't. This video put me at ease because I know I'm not alone with this argument. Thank you.
This is perfect thank youuu😍!!!
Thank you for that!!! I just recently saw a video where the woman said to not let anyone be in control of our happiness or something along those lines, and I thought it was delusional to the extreme. In what world are we not influenced by other ppl, especially those who are closest to us?
As someone who's afraid to let other ppl in I can recognize that there needs to be a certain balance in life.
Hi, im so happy u just uploaded a video. I'm not really someone who watches all of ur videos or follows u but i do remember having watched some and listening to some. Today like an hourish ago i was procrastinating doing anything, and ive been doing that for the past whole week and i rreeally had to clean the house and take a shower. But i for some reason couldnt get myself to do so. Than i thought maybe i can listen to someone while attempting to clean, and i searched up "best podcasts for when u feel alone" and one of ur old videos popped up. I started watching it and in 2 secs i looked u up on Spotify. And im so glad i did, i just finished cleaning the house and u were there along with me while doing so, and listening to you felt very comforting it was almost like talking with myself but it was all coming through someone elses mind and voice. Felt like building a connection with a stranger who doesn't even know my existence nor who knows im listening to her. But im really glad i did and i wanted to thank u for that hoping this can make ur heart feel warm and put a smile on ur face
Just added this book to my summer reading list!! Thank you 😊🤙🏽
I get so excited everytime you upload
6:07 interesting you learn something new every day. I would’ve suspected the opposite. It’s actually very true for me and my current situation
Waw. So well described. I love your hair. Looks so healthy.
Please do more detailed videos about this topic! Love it!
Hi Lana. How are you? And this video beautifully explains everything. Also there is request from my side......please do podcasts again🥺. Your podcasts were always helpful❤.
Oh I really loved this💋what an interesting topic💫