I will leave in a heartbeat! My ex-friend was in her PhD program and made brilliant decision to date a dude from prison. When he got out, he stole money from her, wrecked her car and left her stranded. And she had the nerve to tell me he 'unalived' someone before. I hung up that phone so fast! There is no way I'm sticking around for that mess! She only had me as a 'friend' when she wasn't with someone. I don't need friend that bad!
Friendship should not cost you your health, peace or death. No friend is worth it. If you warn them once or twice, leave it alone. They will eventually ruin their own life or yours if you donot leave on time.
Aside from the danger it poses to myself, I can't be in company with a pick-me. I don't care how nice she is. I knew a friendly, promiscuous pick-me for a short period (she called me a friend but I didn't back), and it was disgusting hearing her stories about sleeping with random men, tricking, etc. Like, girl, I'm not like that, so why would I hang with you so I can be guilty by association? One time we went to buy pizza and she didn't have underwear on (I found out later), and she was sitting with her legs open when a man and his GF were sitting across from where we were waiting. I told her to close her legs! Heaux tings. I cannot relate, and I don't apologize for it.
I always think that too. In watching true crime, I've seen friends/family become collateral damage to OTHER people's walking red flag of a partner. I remember one case where a woman's abusive partner k/lled her friend who was helping her and the woman ended up visiting the man in prison, continuing the relationship. If I find out your partner is X, Y, Z, issa no. And I'll know if they're X, Y, or Z without you even needing to say so. I'm protecting myself, not risking myself for a grown-up who has access to the same information as myself. I'm not moved by excuses. I grew up in the church and was abused multiple ways I won't go into, but I'm not about to be a fool for a man. I don't wanna see it, besides. I'm ghosting. I don't GAF.
I saw this movie where a man and single mother (with a son) met and fell in love. He was from the city and she bought a house in the suburb. Things went so well, he ended up moving in with her. One day, an old friend visited him and asked him if he could help with a mess he had gotten himself into. He agreed to help his friend. Things got out of control, resulting in thugs coming to her home and threatening her and her son. After the matter was straightened out, she told her man he had to leave. He asked why. She said "I bought a house in the suburbs to get away from the hood and you came and brought the hood into my house." That was the end of the story. Lesson: The people your friend associates with could eventually affect your life. Know when to let go of a friendship.
I definitely judge a person by the company a person keeps. Rather it’s romantically or friends circle. Birds of a feather flock together. It’s definitely a generalization, however it’s true the majority of the time.
The thing about judgement is that it's silent ,never loud. My friend is a Ph.D holder who told me once that if she's dating, she's the type to drop her friends for the man.I didn't think much of it (or believe her ) until she spun the block on an abusive dude ,and she stopped talking to me for NO reason ! 😅 Yeah, I completely judge people from their CHOICES and I RESPONDaccordingly. Apples are not oranges and never will be ,pick your fruit! Selah.
Absolutely. Those friends will burden you with all the anger and pain they have towards their bfs before, during and after the relationship. Its better to throw that friendship away before you get used for emotional support
That part. I had a friend getting her phD and her bf was a bum who refused to offer her emotional support. I felt she used me for emotional support while simultaneously refusing to offer me space for that same support. I believe he rubbed off on her… idk
Who anyone chooses as a romantic partner says a lot about their character, morals, unhealed issues and what they value. In most cases, they are the person you spend most of your time and resources on, so if you choose to devote yourself to a POS, it says a lot about you. Even if you don't do the behaviors yourself, you are absolutely supporting and therefore condoning said behaviors by staying with them while they're doing it. You are not responsible for your partner's behavior, but you are absolutely responsible for choosing a person who behaves in that way to be the center of your life. And toxic relationships are messy af - you don't know as a friend how you can be affected by associating yourself with questionable morals, connections, and behaviors. It's not worth the risk. So in conclusion, heck yes. Judge people on their partners.
I had a friend who was messing with a married man, although I didn't judge her,I knew I couldn't trust her, because of this,I even met him a few times,and the only thing I could think of, he's sneaking around on his wife,and of course she as a person is dramatic and an energy vampire..,she would just call me to complain about anything or call me and fall asleep on the phone, finally I had had enough and just blocked her,I feel so much better❤
Yes, and I am disappointed in most women for dating down. It is harder to be their friend and have respect for them for risking everything for less than nothing! Even if not a bad person but not worth it. I look down upon the woman stopping to his level. I might not leave them, unless in danger, but I look down upon them and I would hate hanging with that guy.
Last girl who responded😑, if someone tells you to either leave the toxic relationship or they can't be your friend anymore..... Then that is THEIR boundary. I'm sure they would have said their piece several times but you most likely came with excuses. No one has to keep trying to talk sense into you, while you drain them and depending on your choice in partner, potentially put thier lives in danger too.
I almost ended my relationship with my sister and best friend over them being obsessed over toxic, broke, and abusive men. It honestly wasn’t the toxic relationships that pushed me away, it was the resentment and projection that I had to endure because I choose to live a peaceful, non-male identified life and im not obsessed w/men.
My sister told me, “You’re funny, because you can’t be friends with stupid people. Like you’ll get so pissed off that you can’t be their friend anymore.” And she’s right. After awhile, if you repeatedly do dumb things, and that includes choosing to stay with evil mails, I can’t trust you, so we can’t be friends. I can’t be hearing how this guy is dangerous and violent for years, and you’re endangering yourself, your kids, and even me when I’m around. Then you tell this mail that I don’t like him and what I said to you, and he now hates me. You’re putting me in harm’s way due to your pick me tendencies.
I will cut off a friend just based off of the character of the person they are dating. I start questioning my friend’s character if I don’t like their partner. I can only be cordial for so long until it gets messy. When someone is in a toxic relationship, everyone around them are at risk for harm and abuse.. I’d rather be a loner than to be anxious and worried about my friend and their partner. All the advice in the world won’t save that kind of person, unfortunately
I hate when a friend dated down, even in the looks department, let alone money, education, occupation, background etc. I hate that most women date down! It is not worth it!
Yes I do judge....no i wont cut them off unless I think Im in danger. I am also cool to talk abt anything else but their problems if I know Ive already advised her...not going to keep repeating myself.
Not only is it ok to drop a "friend" depending on the company they keep but it is necessary. Standards and boundaries are not only for romantic relationships. You must guard your feelings and safety at all times and with everyone. I had a friend who was dating someone we spotted on a "registry" when we investigated. Even though she was aware of what he had done to an 11 yr old child, when she confronted him about it, he denied it and said he was coerced to confession. Not only did she not break up with him, she doubled down and married him. She was angry and upset and would call crying because she couldn't understand why all of her friends "deserted "her. Who did she think would hang out with him or have him over around their kids? And of course she couldn't come alone. People like this have chosen who and what is important to them and it is not you. Do not feel guilty you chose yourself and your peace. Life is an evolution. Not everyone was meant to be in your world forever.
I'll ultimately be doing the emotional labor when he's out of hand. I'm gone soon as I start seeing foolishness and my friend isn't receptive to considering change.
okay. The white girl in the white shirt saying you are "leaving" your friend in that situation when you don't want to be friends with her because of her toxic boo. I'm not leaving her in any situation. She jumped in headfirst. If I'm refusing to babysit these king babies you best believe I'm not babysitting my friends. I'm really sick of everyone around certain grown people being responsible for their well being. Support yes. But acting like I'm abandoning a grown person who had made decisions that are negative and are now starting to affect me seems to be patently unfair. I don't get to decide who someone else dates so I shouldn't be stuck dealing with the effects of these toxic dynamics. Uh Uh get somebody else.
The girl who’s in the toxic relationship will go tell the mail what you said, and then he’ll be mad at you, and you’ll be in danger, too. My sister’s therapist had to tell her that she either breaks up with her dude, or she can’t be her shrink anymore.
I should have cut out the friends who chose dusties to marry and have children with. They didn't grow as women, and even took on some of their man's nasty personality traits. It's also proof of their poor decision making, and they'll be the 1st ones to tell you that you're single because you're too picky. I promised myself that I would always exit quietly...
I had a best friend come crying to me saying her baby doesn't have shoes or Christmas presents...while she had a whole as fiance. I hated him from the jump, and I had to buy all of those things for her because I didn't want the baby to suffer. But then I cut it off. Nope.
I have had many friendships end because I don’t allow them to vent about their partners to me if they are going to stay. Because she will forgive him I won’t. I want what my friends wants if that’s to stay. Stay in silence. 🤫 😂 don’t use me for free therapy. My mom used to do this too then gaslight me and say “do you not care about your mom?” My response is logic “does my mom care about herself” 👀 that’s that misery loves company bs interrupting my peace 😂😂😂
it depends on their behavior tbh. I knew a guy who decided by himself that he couldn't have friends because he had a gf. i knew the girl so i knew she wasn't controlling him. He was always emotionally unstable. they broke up and he was friendless. to this day he can go f himself.
Nope it's not harsh bse sometimes it's lifesaving of yourself as there's a lot of true life stories of men killing their girlfriends friend bse she was helping the friend.
A mom of 6 was killed bse her friend's ex who was abusive, a pregnant woman was stabbed to death bse she didn't tell that abusive boyfriend where her friend was so it's actually life saving of yourself
I can't believe it took 13+ minutes for a different opinion. Set boundaries and keep your friends. We are all growing and learning, and we should be able to give our friends grace.
If you've been open and honest with your friend about real reasons you don't like their partner and don't think that that person is right for them...... Then yeah move on let them figure it out the hard way
i endend my friendship with my childhood best friend, i didn't like her man cause i could see that he was not good for her..we didn't talk for at least 8 years and before covid we rekindled our friendship and during covid she left him and we've been back to being best friends again...i just had to love her from a distance and let her leave whenever she was ready
I don't judge my friends (who am I to judge) for the partners they have but I do move differently within the friendship. Everyone has their own mind and sovereignty to make decisions they feel best suits them. With that being said now that I am in my 40's I realize it's not up to me to change or "save" anyone. People have to walk their own path. I am however, very protective of my time, energy and space. So I set up boundaries and love them from a distance. That doesn't mean I wouldn't be supportive in their time of need. It just mean I would adjust what that time, energy, effort and/or financial help would look like, if at all. I do share my concerns but at the end of the day they have to live with their choices, figuratively and literally.
I agree with everything you said 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 people are on their own path, especially if they’re still healing, sometimes it’s messy but I won’t lose respect for them because of it …but I may choose to create a little distance for my own emotional health
I think it's valid if you have enough reasons to walk away. Now, if you just don't like the dude, but he's doing your girl right, then that's a personal problem. It happens.
NO! It's NOT too harsh! I know what it's like to have someone constantly complain about their partner's treatment, get great solutions, only to stay with them. They only wanted relief, an ally in complaint, and they'll later tell their partner that YOU are against them to gain brownie points. They'll omit all the crap they said about their partner, though. Point being, I'm not doing that anymore. Now, I'm only friends with people who listen and actually apply my advice. They ask me because they actually want to _do_ something.
Just went through it myself. Ended the friendship with no regrets. Not only was her former partner abusive to her but terrorized and violated her children. When she "got away" she kept contact with him even after her children went no contact because of that choice. Right after her escape she got on the dating apps immediately. I tried numerous times to advise her to focus on herself and to get therapy for ptsd/abuse. She ignored me. Started talking to/dating felons and one guy she met up with she found out was on the registry. She kept talking to him until he ghosted her. She is now dating the friend of her abuser (her abuser has died) and that guy is a drug user and dealer. At our big age there's no reason to still live like this unless you're trash yourself. And of course I'm the bad guy because I ended the friendship.
I'm going through some dilemma about this. So my best friend for 15 years is a gay man, I worked for his partner for a couple of months, until he ditched me in a very fucked up, petty way, without letting me know in advance, and having bills to pay. This dude treats my friend not so nicely, I kinda see through him and I don't like him anymore, obviously because of how he finished our work relationship, and bc of stuff my friend has told me about their relationship. So of course I told him what happened at work and how angry I was about it, his partner (my ex-boss) obviously told him a story that beneficiated him, cutting a lot of details. I am torn bc I don't even know what to expect from my friend in this situation, but they're still together and I don't even feel comfortable even talking to my friend anymore. I don't want this to affect our very long friendship, but I am afraid that's happening. I don't want to be selfish and tell him to break up, but I now am able to see how this dude's true colors (his partner), and idk, I just need to tall about it, this has me a little heartbroken
Keep your mouth shut, and just let your mail friend go. Men are always on code: bros before hos. If you think a woman is hard to get to leave a bad mail, you’ve got no idea when it comes to a mail^2 relationship.
My take is this (and feel free to discard it as I am not familiar with the whole situation and you know your situation best) Talk to your friend and if they don’t listen straight away doesn’t mean they’ll never come around and understand what is happening, it can be hard to see when you’re still in it… I do feel that they should take you seriously as if they justify the person’s behaviour to you that’s quite disloyal, considering you’re in a long term friendship… if they sit on the fence it’s a little sus too. If they do that, create some distance and see how things unfold… if they come back soon super sorry or even after a while, listen to your heart and mind and gut about whether you want to get close again, in the meantime, start fostering/developing other friendships, it may help you also gain more perspective on this whole thing… sorry you’re in a difficult position
I absolutely will and have cut off a friend because of their partner. I cut off a friend because I saw the red flags a mile away. His friends had problematic views/behaviors too. I told her not to take his words or jokes lightly, but she kept going. I truly hope she happy.
Yes it's self sabotage and it's a result of self loathing. For years I surrounded myself with friends and romatic partners who treated me poorly. For a long time I believed that it was hard to walk away from those relationships because I felt strong feelings of "love" for them. The truth was that the relationships felt familiar. They helped continue the emotional and psychological abuse I endured in childhood. Familiarity has strong holds on you when you lack self awareness and when you haven't dealt with your unresolved traumas. Eventually I saw the error of my ways and I started a healing journey. I don't blame anyone who wants to cut-off someone who has self-loathing. There were kind people who tried to tell me but at the time I genuinely didn't understand. Now I do. I Eventually figured it out through therapy.
I stopped being friends with a friend over her abusive husband. We went to ATL for my bday, the friend, her husband, the husbands friend, and me. Her husband was an abusive drunk. Got drunk and literally at the stroke of midnight tried to pick a fight with me over a hotel blanket. They ended up going in the bathroom to argue and he beat her up. While they were in the bathroom arguing i packed my bag and got my own room took a flight home the next day and never talked to her again. It was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
Absolutely I’m not messing with nobody that girl treats them like shit and I’m not messing with nobody that treats their woman like shit😂 If your friends are a representation of you, then your partner IS you
I don't want her to feel like she is all alone with that guy, but if she's constantly taking his side even if he's shady and doing gross, abusive, creepy things then she doesn't respect the people around her, so I can't prioritize somebody else's well being over mine, especially if she's the one that's letting in all this toxicity because of that guy.
Depends on the situation really. E.g. if they're in a toxic relationship and they're continuously complaining to you about it, but yet they stay with him and continuously ignore your advice, it can become mentally draining. Another example could be that he won't let her hang out with her friends without him. Many more examples. But if the friend respects your boundaries and doesn't bring any drama to you, then I don't see why the friendship can't continue.
It depends on the people and situation. We all know men can only show what they want you to see until you get committed to them and then they change completely, and if they’re preying on your insecurities then it can be really hard to leave, so in that case I don’t necessarily think it’s valid to cut off your friend completely. You might wanna set a boundary where they don’t get to ask you advice because you know they’re gonna ignore it, but I wouldn't say cut them off. But if it’s a situation where their partner is like bigoted or violent or extremely rude, then yeah that makes sense. It reflects badly on their character that they’re willing to look past or collude with that kind of behavior. But at the end of the day, it's up to you who you want in your life.
7:48 I had this type of friendship had to cut it because who want to hear the same thing every time you talk to someone….the amount of times I had to listen to the same story 🤦🏾♀️
It’s so crazy how I had a situation like the woman at 9:42 play out nearly the exact same. My friend asked me to “third wheel” with her on a last minute date she had (we were already out and it was her first time meeting him so of course I felt obligated to stay once she asked), after sitting w/ them for 1.5 hrs at a bar, we went back to his place. I sat in the car for 3 hrs waiting on her to come out (keep in mind: I drove so I felt bad to just to leave her there w/o making sure she got home) I was a sitting duck. We got into it soooo bad. I “forgave” her but I’ll never forget that. Who leaves their friend in the parking lot of a strange apartment complex at 1-4am for some 🍆 ???!? smh. Same excuse was used “I fell asleep” girllllll pls!
Also, do you really want to be on the radar of a lame man? Because he might start setting his aspirations on you (or someone he knows might) or learn about your business to do you harm, etc. It's unsafe!
As a queer woman i find it hard to trust that friends really are allies when they continue to date homophobic and transphobic people (usually men), to me that says you're only interested in being an ally when it's convenient to you, and if $hit goes down i can't trust you've got my back. So as much as i'm willing to give people space to grow and support them in that, i won't put myself in harm's way for it. When you're a minority you're forced into the role of educator, but not everyone will benefit from perspectives that differ to their own, most just wish to double down unfortunately.
This is a difficult conversation because it could go so many ways depending on what type of partner your friend has and what type of person your friend is and if there really is no solution To fix the friendship and if there's not then you just have to end it but if there is a way to "fix" it and this is a really important friend then try to "fix" it
I may have to set up new boundaries where we do not talk about that mate, or maybe i have to love on that friend from a distance; but cut them off? No. Abusive partners WANT to isolate their victims, and i would never leave anyone i consider a friend alone with an abuser. I would let her know that i will always be there for her, but that i do not support her relationship and leave it at that.
One of my best friends married a complete idiot that she knows i never liked, and it did change the way i see her. All the times she cried/complained to me and i told her to leave him, yet she still married him. So now i see her as desperate and a borderline pick-me. l would have cut her off if she kept bringing him into my life but she never brings him around me and keeps talk about him to a minimum. Its just unfortunate when you’re not happy for your friends relationships. I just want my girls to pick good guys so we can do double dates 😂
One of my ex friends boyfriend used to hit her and then hit me. I didn’t speak to her for a while after then o was forced to sit in the same room with him I couldn’t do it cause wtf🥴
I will leave in a heartbeat! My ex-friend was in her PhD program and made brilliant decision to date a dude from prison. When he got out, he stole money from her, wrecked her car and left her stranded. And she had the nerve to tell me he 'unalived' someone before. I hung up that phone so fast! There is no way I'm sticking around for that mess! She only had me as a 'friend' when she wasn't with someone. I don't need friend that bad!
I definitely don’t blame you because if she can self-sabotage herself that much then she can possibly sabotage someone else?
That's terrifying! What is wrong with her?!!
Friendship should not cost you your health, peace or death.
No friend is worth it. If you warn them once or twice, leave it alone.
They will eventually ruin their own life or yours if you donot leave on time.
Now that I am 40, absolutely!!! Your partner reflects your self worth. I can't associate with low self worth women.
Exactly and most women date down and expect to!
Exactly !! 👏🏼👏🏼
Aside from the danger it poses to myself, I can't be in company with a pick-me. I don't care how nice she is. I knew a friendly, promiscuous pick-me for a short period (she called me a friend but I didn't back), and it was disgusting hearing her stories about sleeping with random men, tricking, etc. Like, girl, I'm not like that, so why would I hang with you so I can be guilty by association? One time we went to buy pizza and she didn't have underwear on (I found out later), and she was sitting with her legs open when a man and his GF were sitting across from where we were waiting. I told her to close her legs!
Heaux tings. I cannot relate, and I don't apologize for it.
It's dangerous to be friends with someone bringing walking red flags into your life.
Very dangerous
I always think that too. In watching true crime, I've seen friends/family become collateral damage to OTHER people's walking red flag of a partner. I remember one case where a woman's abusive partner k/lled her friend who was helping her and the woman ended up visiting the man in prison, continuing the relationship. If I find out your partner is X, Y, Z, issa no. And I'll know if they're X, Y, or Z without you even needing to say so. I'm protecting myself, not risking myself for a grown-up who has access to the same information as myself. I'm not moved by excuses. I grew up in the church and was abused multiple ways I won't go into, but I'm not about to be a fool for a man. I don't wanna see it, besides. I'm ghosting. I don't GAF.
If your partner affects how you interact with me negatively, I’m out.
I saw this movie where a man and single mother (with a son) met and fell in love. He was from the city and she bought a house in the suburb. Things went so well, he ended up moving in with her. One day, an old friend visited him and asked him if he could help with a mess he had gotten himself into. He agreed to help his friend. Things got out of control, resulting in thugs coming to her home and threatening her and her son. After the matter was straightened out, she told her man he had to leave. He asked why. She said "I bought a house in the suburbs to get away from the hood and you came and brought the hood into my house." That was the end of the story. Lesson: The people your friend associates with could eventually affect your life. Know when to let go of a friendship.
I definitely judge a person by the company a person keeps. Rather it’s romantically or friends circle. Birds of a feather flock together. It’s definitely a generalization, however it’s true the majority of the time.
The thing about judgement is that it's silent ,never loud. My friend is a Ph.D holder who told me once that if she's dating, she's the type to drop her friends for the man.I didn't think much of it (or believe her ) until she spun the block on an abusive dude ,and she stopped talking to me for NO reason ! 😅
Yeah, I completely judge people from their CHOICES and I RESPONDaccordingly.
Apples are not oranges and never will be ,pick your fruit!
Selah.
Yes. When stuff goes down, they come to you to hear their drama.
And hate you when you give them advice smh
@@AmiDollyWorldHeavy on that part!!!
Absolutely. Those friends will burden you with all the anger and pain they have towards their bfs before, during and after the relationship. Its better to throw that friendship away before you get used for emotional support
That part. I had a friend getting her phD and her bf was a bum who refused to offer her emotional support. I felt she used me for emotional support while simultaneously refusing to offer me space for that same support. I believe he rubbed off on her… idk
@@hubabaloop yep yep!!! They act JUST LIKE their partners!!!
Who anyone chooses as a romantic partner says a lot about their character, morals, unhealed issues and what they value. In most cases, they are the person you spend most of your time and resources on, so if you choose to devote yourself to a POS, it says a lot about you. Even if you don't do the behaviors yourself, you are absolutely supporting and therefore condoning said behaviors by staying with them while they're doing it. You are not responsible for your partner's behavior, but you are absolutely responsible for choosing a person who behaves in that way to be the center of your life. And toxic relationships are messy af - you don't know as a friend how you can be affected by associating yourself with questionable morals, connections, and behaviors. It's not worth the risk. So in conclusion, heck yes. Judge people on their partners.
I had a friend who was messing with a married man, although I didn't judge her,I knew I couldn't trust her, because of this,I even met him a few times,and the only thing I could think of, he's sneaking around on his wife,and of course she as a person is dramatic and an energy vampire..,she would just call me to complain about anything or call me and fall asleep on the phone, finally I had had enough and just blocked her,I feel so much better❤
Yes, and I am disappointed in most women for dating down. It is harder to be their friend and have respect for them for risking everything for less than nothing! Even if not a bad person but not worth it. I look down upon the woman stopping to his level. I might not leave them, unless in danger, but I look down upon them and I would hate hanging with that guy.
Last girl who responded😑, if someone tells you to either leave the toxic relationship or they can't be your friend anymore..... Then that is THEIR boundary. I'm sure they would have said their piece several times but you most likely came with excuses. No one has to keep trying to talk sense into you, while you drain them and depending on your choice in partner, potentially put thier lives in danger too.
EXACTLY!!!!
Exactly. She sounded very manipulative 🚩
Facts. Been there, and talking to the girl was like talking to a brick wall. I protect my peace and no one is worth my peace.
Right if someone happened to the friend she seems like the type who would blame the friend who left more than the partner who did those things to her.
I almost ended my relationship with my sister and best friend over them being obsessed over toxic, broke, and abusive men. It honestly wasn’t the toxic relationships that pushed me away, it was the resentment and projection that I had to endure because I choose to live a peaceful, non-male identified life and im not obsessed w/men.
Depends. If you tell someone something is affecting you and they keep on doing it leave
My sister told me, “You’re funny, because you can’t be friends with stupid people. Like you’ll get so pissed off that you can’t be their friend anymore.” And she’s right. After awhile, if you repeatedly do dumb things, and that includes choosing to stay with evil mails, I can’t trust you, so we can’t be friends. I can’t be hearing how this guy is dangerous and violent for years, and you’re endangering yourself, your kids, and even me when I’m around. Then you tell this mail that I don’t like him and what I said to you, and he now hates me. You’re putting me in harm’s way due to your pick me tendencies.
Exactly!!
Great comment! But my grammatical OCD has forced me to correct one word **male, lol!
I will cut off a friend just based off of the character of the person they are dating. I start questioning my friend’s character if I don’t like their partner. I can only be cordial for so long until it gets messy. When someone is in a toxic relationship, everyone around them are at risk for harm and abuse.. I’d rather be a loner than to be anxious and worried about my friend and their partner.
All the advice in the world won’t save that kind of person, unfortunately
I hate when a friend dated down, even in the looks department, let alone money, education, occupation, background etc. I hate that most women date down! It is not worth it!
@@WynnWynn-gl3fkit’s the reason why society is collapsing
Yes I do judge....no i wont cut them off unless I think Im in danger. I am also cool to talk abt anything else but their problems if I know Ive already advised her...not going to keep repeating myself.
Not only is it ok to drop a "friend" depending on the company they keep but it is necessary. Standards and boundaries are not only for romantic relationships. You must guard your feelings and safety at all times and with everyone.
I had a friend who was dating someone we spotted on a "registry" when we investigated. Even though she was aware of what he had done to an 11 yr old child, when she confronted him about it, he denied it and said he was coerced to confession. Not only did she not break up with him, she doubled down and married him. She was angry and upset and would call crying because she couldn't understand why all of her friends "deserted "her. Who did she think would hang out with him or have him over around their kids? And of course she couldn't come alone.
People like this have chosen who and what is important to them and it is not you. Do not feel guilty you chose yourself and your peace. Life is an evolution. Not everyone was meant to be in your world forever.
I'll ultimately be doing the emotional labor when he's out of hand. I'm gone soon as I start seeing foolishness and my friend isn't receptive to considering change.
okay. The white girl in the white shirt saying you are "leaving" your friend in that situation when you don't want to be friends with her because of her toxic boo.
I'm not leaving her in any situation. She jumped in headfirst. If I'm refusing to babysit these king babies you best believe I'm not babysitting my friends.
I'm really sick of everyone around certain grown people being responsible for their well being. Support yes. But acting like I'm abandoning a grown person who had made decisions that are negative and are now starting to affect me seems to be patently unfair. I don't get to decide who someone else dates so I shouldn't be stuck dealing with the effects of these toxic dynamics.
Uh Uh get somebody else.
👏👏👏👏
The girl who’s in the toxic relationship will go tell the mail what you said, and then he’ll be mad at you, and you’ll be in danger, too. My sister’s therapist had to tell her that she either breaks up with her dude, or she can’t be her shrink anymore.
I should have cut out the friends who chose dusties to marry and have children with. They didn't grow as women, and even took on some of their man's nasty personality traits. It's also proof of their poor decision making, and they'll be the 1st ones to tell you that you're single because you're too picky. I promised myself that I would always exit quietly...
That’s crazy toxic glad you are able to discern 💕
I had a best friend come crying to me saying her baby doesn't have shoes or Christmas presents...while she had a whole as fiance. I hated him from the jump, and I had to buy all of those things for her because I didn't want the baby to suffer. But then I cut it off. Nope.
I have had many friendships end because I don’t allow them to vent about their partners to me if they are going to stay.
Because she will forgive him I won’t. I want what my friends wants if that’s to stay. Stay in silence. 🤫 😂 don’t use me for free therapy.
My mom used to do this too then gaslight me and say “do you not care about your mom?”
My response is logic “does my mom care about herself” 👀 that’s that misery loves company bs interrupting my peace 😂😂😂
it depends on their behavior tbh. I knew a guy who decided by himself that he couldn't have friends because he had a gf. i knew the girl so i knew she wasn't controlling him. He was always emotionally unstable. they broke up and he was friendless. to this day he can go f himself.
Nope it's not harsh bse sometimes it's lifesaving of yourself as there's a lot of true life stories of men killing their girlfriends friend bse she was helping the friend.
I cut off my sister because of her husband
Me too
Same.
A mom of 6 was killed bse her friend's ex who was abusive, a pregnant woman was stabbed to death bse she didn't tell that abusive boyfriend where her friend was so it's actually life saving of yourself
I can't believe it took 13+ minutes for a different opinion. Set boundaries and keep your friends. We are all growing and learning, and we should be able to give our friends grace.
If you've been open and honest with your friend about real reasons you don't like their partner and don't think that that person is right for them...... Then yeah move on let them figure it out the hard way
14:30 leave the friendship she just wants a free therapy session. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. 🧠🔥
i endend my friendship with my childhood best friend, i didn't like her man cause i could see that he was not good for her..we didn't talk for at least 8 years and before covid we rekindled our friendship and during covid she left him and we've been back to being best friends again...i just had to love her from a distance and let her leave whenever she was ready
I don't judge my friends (who am I to judge) for the partners they have but I do move differently within the friendship. Everyone has their own mind and sovereignty to make decisions they feel best suits them. With that being said now that I am in my 40's I realize it's not up to me to change or "save" anyone. People have to walk their own path. I am however, very protective of my time, energy and space. So I set up boundaries and love them from a distance. That doesn't mean I wouldn't be supportive in their time of need. It just mean I would adjust what that time, energy, effort and/or financial help would look like, if at all. I do share my concerns but at the end of the day they have to live with their choices, figuratively and literally.
I agree with everything you said 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 people are on their own path, especially if they’re still healing, sometimes it’s messy but I won’t lose respect for them because of it …but I may choose to create a little distance for my own emotional health
I think it's valid if you have enough reasons to walk away. Now, if you just don't like the dude, but he's doing your girl right, then that's a personal problem. It happens.
NO! It's NOT too harsh! I know what it's like to have someone constantly complain about their partner's treatment, get great solutions, only to stay with them. They only wanted relief, an ally in complaint, and they'll later tell their partner that YOU are against them to gain brownie points. They'll omit all the crap they said about their partner, though. Point being, I'm not doing that anymore. Now, I'm only friends with people who listen and actually apply my advice. They ask me because they actually want to _do_ something.
Just went through it myself. Ended the friendship with no regrets. Not only was her former partner abusive to her but terrorized and violated her children. When she "got away" she kept contact with him even after her children went no contact because of that choice. Right after her escape she got on the dating apps immediately. I tried numerous times to advise her to focus on herself and to get therapy for ptsd/abuse. She ignored me. Started talking to/dating felons and one guy she met up with she found out was on the registry. She kept talking to him until he ghosted her. She is now dating the friend of her abuser (her abuser has died) and that guy is a drug user and dealer. At our big age there's no reason to still live like this unless you're trash yourself. And of course I'm the bad guy because I ended the friendship.
Yes, i do judge people based off who they become romantically involved with. Your person, says alot about you, and how you feel about yourself!
I'm going through some dilemma about this. So my best friend for 15 years is a gay man, I worked for his partner for a couple of months, until he ditched me in a very fucked up, petty way, without letting me know in advance, and having bills to pay. This dude treats my friend not so nicely, I kinda see through him and I don't like him anymore, obviously because of how he finished our work relationship, and bc of stuff my friend has told me about their relationship. So of course I told him what happened at work and how angry I was about it, his partner (my ex-boss) obviously told him a story that beneficiated him, cutting a lot of details. I am torn bc I don't even know what to expect from my friend in this situation, but they're still
together and I don't even feel comfortable even talking to my friend anymore. I don't want this to affect our very long friendship, but I am afraid that's happening. I don't want to be selfish and tell him to break up, but I now am able to see how this dude's true colors (his partner), and idk, I just need to tall about it, this has me a little heartbroken
He needs to know. It is hard and might not end well but at least you warned him, even if he won’t believe you at first.
Keep your mouth shut, and just let your mail friend go. Men are always on code: bros before hos. If you think a woman is hard to get to leave a bad mail, you’ve got no idea when it comes to a mail^2 relationship.
My take is this (and feel free to discard it as I am not familiar with the whole situation and you know your situation best) Talk to your friend and if they don’t listen straight away doesn’t mean they’ll never come around and understand what is happening, it can be hard to see when you’re still in it… I do feel that they should take you seriously as if they justify the person’s behaviour to you that’s quite disloyal, considering you’re in a long term friendship… if they sit on the fence it’s a little sus too. If they do that, create some distance and see how things unfold… if they come back soon super sorry or even after a while, listen to your heart and mind and gut about whether you want to get close again, in the meantime, start fostering/developing other friendships, it may help you also gain more perspective on this whole thing… sorry you’re in a difficult position
I absolutely will and have cut off a friend because of their partner. I cut off a friend because I saw the red flags a mile away. His friends had problematic views/behaviors too. I told her not to take his words or jokes lightly, but she kept going. I truly hope she happy.
Yes it's self sabotage and it's a result of self loathing. For years I surrounded myself with friends and romatic partners who treated me poorly. For a long time I believed that it was hard to walk away from those relationships because I felt strong feelings of "love" for them. The truth was that the relationships felt familiar. They helped continue the emotional and psychological abuse I endured in childhood.
Familiarity has strong holds on you when you lack self awareness and when you haven't dealt with your unresolved traumas. Eventually I saw the error of my ways and I started a healing journey.
I don't blame anyone who wants to cut-off someone who has self-loathing. There were kind people who tried to tell me but at the time I genuinely didn't understand. Now I do. I Eventually figured it out through therapy.
I stopped being friends with a friend over her abusive husband. We went to ATL for my bday, the friend, her husband, the husbands friend, and me. Her husband was an abusive drunk. Got drunk and literally at the stroke of midnight tried to pick a fight with me over a hotel blanket. They ended up going in the bathroom to argue and he beat her up. While they were in the bathroom arguing i packed my bag and got my own room took a flight home the next day and never talked to her again. It was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
Sadly yes, Because THEIR abuse can easily lead to YOU being put in a dangerous situation 🤷🏾♀️
Absolutely
I’m not messing with nobody that girl treats them like shit and I’m not messing with nobody that treats their woman like shit😂
If your friends are a representation of you, then your partner IS you
I don't want her to feel like she is all alone with that guy, but if she's constantly taking his side even if he's shady and doing gross, abusive, creepy things then she doesn't respect the people around her, so I can't prioritize somebody else's well being over mine, especially if she's the one that's letting in all this toxicity because of that guy.
She flew away to safety, then flew back a day later...I was done after that. I stuck it out for a good while.
That’s so weird, I would just tell my friends how I’m feeling and hang out with them separately from their partner.
Depends on the situation really. E.g. if they're in a toxic relationship and they're continuously complaining to you about it, but yet they stay with him and continuously ignore your advice, it can become mentally draining.
Another example could be that he won't let her hang out with her friends without him.
Many more examples. But if the friend respects your boundaries and doesn't bring any drama to you, then I don't see why the friendship can't continue.
It depends on the people and situation. We all know men can only show what they want you to see until you get committed to them and then they change completely, and if they’re preying on your insecurities then it can be really hard to leave, so in that case I don’t necessarily think it’s valid to cut off your friend completely. You might wanna set a boundary where they don’t get to ask you advice because you know they’re gonna ignore it, but I wouldn't say cut them off. But if it’s a situation where their partner is like bigoted or violent or extremely rude, then yeah that makes sense. It reflects badly on their character that they’re willing to look past or collude with that kind of behavior. But at the end of the day, it's up to you who you want in your life.
7:48 I had this type of friendship had to cut it because who want to hear the same thing every time you talk to someone….the amount of times I had to listen to the same story 🤦🏾♀️
It’s so crazy how I had a situation like the woman at 9:42 play out nearly the exact same. My friend asked me to “third wheel” with her on a last minute date she had (we were already out and it was her first time meeting him so of course I felt obligated to stay once she asked), after sitting w/ them for 1.5 hrs at a bar, we went back to his place. I sat in the car for 3 hrs waiting on her to come out (keep in mind: I drove so I felt bad to just to leave her there w/o making sure she got home) I was a sitting duck. We got into it soooo bad. I “forgave” her but I’ll never forget that. Who leaves their friend in the parking lot of a strange apartment complex at 1-4am for some 🍆 ???!? smh. Same excuse was used “I fell asleep” girllllll pls!
Also, do you really want to be on the radar of a lame man? Because he might start setting his aspirations on you (or someone he knows might) or learn about your business to do you harm, etc. It's unsafe!
As a queer woman i find it hard to trust that friends really are allies when they continue to date homophobic and transphobic people (usually men), to me that says you're only interested in being an ally when it's convenient to you, and if $hit goes down i can't trust you've got my back. So as much as i'm willing to give people space to grow and support them in that, i won't put myself in harm's way for it. When you're a minority you're forced into the role of educator, but not everyone will benefit from perspectives that differ to their own, most just wish to double down unfortunately.
Aye look, I be wit my son (16). Folks move EXTRA funny these days.
This is a difficult conversation because it could go so many ways depending on what type of partner your friend has and what type of person your friend is and if there really is no solution To fix the friendship and if there's not then you just have to end it but if there is a way to "fix" it and this is a really important friend then try to "fix" it
Lordt...when will the "partner" trend get the hell on already!
I may have to set up new boundaries where we do not talk about that mate, or maybe i have to love on that friend from a distance; but cut them off? No. Abusive partners WANT to isolate their victims, and i would never leave anyone i consider a friend alone with an abuser. I would let her know that i will always be there for her, but that i do not support her relationship and leave it at that.
I was this friend with some meh boyfriends and I got the message when my friends stopped talking to me.
When I realized that we judge ourselves by our intention but judge others by their actions.. I paused all judgement until further wisdom
I’d would leave a friend whose partner threatens my life I’ve been there before and it’s horrible
One of my best friends married a complete idiot that she knows i never liked, and it did change the way i see her. All the times she cried/complained to me and i told her to leave him, yet she still married him. So now i see her as desperate and a borderline pick-me. l would have cut her off if she kept bringing him into my life but she never brings him around me and keeps talk about him to a minimum.
Its just unfortunate when you’re not happy for your friends relationships. I just want my girls to pick good guys so we can do double dates 😂
I am adopted my mom is a illegal immigrant from oaxaca and she looks black.
He won't be beating my ssa because I was hanging with you😢
yes
One of my ex friends boyfriend used to hit her and then hit me. I didn’t speak to her for a while after then o was forced to sit in the same room with him I couldn’t do it cause wtf🥴
First 😂
Thank you 🙏🏾 🫶🫶