The worst part is that friendship breakups are usually slow-burning, and one person is always out of the loop when/why it's happening. There's so much more grayness to these kinds of situations, which make them feel extremely difficult to navigate.
Yes. I would say the absolute worst kind of friendship break up is one that is unresolved or one-sided. All of my friendships from school faded away one day and the worst thing is my best friend in the whole world just stopped talking to me and I have no idea why. They never told me of any issues they had with me or what was going wrong and that hurts the most of all the friendships I've lost.
oof. Yes. Well said. My former best friend just wrote me a letter one day in which she said she felt bad whenever she had any kind of contact with me and that she's ending the friendship, and that she hoped I respect that and don't get in touch with her again. One of the worst days of my life. I too had been slowly feeling more uncomfortable around her, I knew our friendship wasn't as strong as it used to be, but to read that I was making her feel bad so often and then knowing there's no way to talk about it because she asked me not to contact her again ... It was extremely difficult to deal with. I think I spent 2 days in bed, just binging something on Netflix. Friendship break-ups really can feel very, well, 'break-uppy'.
A good rule of thumb that I learnt from someone is this: You wouldn't do a job that only pays you sometimes, you would live in a house that only has a roof sometimes, so don't stay in a friendship that only makes you happy sometimes, and miserable the rest.
Agreed. Not the least of which being that you have some sort of universal right to mourn when you go through a romantic breakup, but when you break up with a friend it's just you feeling alone and weird and in pain. It's rough.
I remember a particular friendship breakup. She put all of her emotional labour on me for years, it was exhausting, and never allowed me to lean on her in return. Then one day I posted a FB update that I was struggling with depression and sorry if I'm not hot on replying to messages and she phoned me immediately to say WHAT ABOUT ME. I didn't even break up with her, I put the phone down and blocked her. It was such a relief.
Wow, that person was toxic omg... I hope you are better now, or that you will be. Try to take care of yourself if you can. I know mental health is not always easy...
I think it might have been better if you tried talking to her earlier in your friendship about what she was doing that bothered you and given her a chance to improve, but ultimately I'm proud of you for doing what you needed to do, and I hope you're feeling better now. 🧡💛🧡
I just wanted to take the time and THANK YOU for naming aromantics. It was just a little thing but it means a lot to have even just the term mentioned. Thank you!
As someone who's Aro-spec, it was awful to go through a terrible friendship breakup and have people insinuate that I was only miserable because I hadn't gone through a "real" breakup before. This kind of affirmation really helps.
Pardon my language, but fuck them. I’m neither aro nor ace and I still terribly miss by ex-BFF with whom I was friends since kindergarten and with whom my friendship ended 7/8 years ago. I sometimes stay up crying because I miss that her so much.
@@safala you're totally right and I do it too an that's okay - because even though we've moved on, that doesn't mean that we're not allowed to miss that person sometimes because even though they're not a active part of our life anymore, they used to be it once and that for a long time, so yeah ig it's normal to yearn for what you used to have sometimes, even though you know it won't ever be the same way it used to be. also remember to stay strong and take good care of yourself! ♡︎
@@moved4567 Thank you! I needed to hear this. It feels so… sad (I don’t think I remember a proper word for this) to miss your best friend (ex or not) and wonder if they feel the same and end up believing that they don’t. It’s nice to be reminded that it’s normal. So, thank you again.
"Some friendship breaks up can feel worse than romantic ones." This literally just changed my entire understanding of a trauma I have and I can't thank you enough.
As someone who broke up with a friend, here’s my advice: 1. Try to minimize your regrets. I went through a huge cycle of guilt after breaking up and I think what could’ve really helped is: actually write a physical list of why you are cutting this person off and avoid saying anything really mean 2. Actually cut that person off. After you have said your peace snd they’ve said theirs, block them and do NOT reach out to them again to “see how they’re doing.” It will only send mixed messages and cause more hurt 3. Make sure you have a friend group that is wholly separate of that person. It’s fine to have mutual friends after a breakup, but you need at least one person who is on your side
That's great advice. This didn't happen to me, but my boyfriend this year. He had some friends that did not respect him at all (he'd known them since he was in elementary school) and just stayed friends "because I've known them a long time". When they had a big fight that they didn't take seriously he was venting to me and I thought they sounded just awful. A week later, he was texting one of the friends a meme, and I asked him what he was doing. Turns out, whenever he was in a fight before he would still text them a little, but was just not talking to them in person. Apparently everyone knew that he would start taking to them in a few months and it was always his job to get over whatever they had done. For context, this wasn't some petty fight. My bf was angry that his friends had been racist to a waitress "as a joke". Thankfully, he's finally cut them out of his life. I was so sad that he hadn't realized that they felt like him texting was a green light to be awful to him and not change their behavior.
Its always been weird to me that so much of society puts extreme weight to romantic and sexual relationships while discounting friendships and other forms of support. But I feel like what gets talked about less and is still odd is how so many hold blood and family ties on a pedestal as if this ensures some magical connection friendship ad families of choice cant touch. Been friends with someone for a decades, there was a time they were your greatest support, but events just moves you out of each others lives and your sad the friendship had changed or ended? People will act like its just natural people move in and out of you life and no big. But when say, an abusive or draining family member wants a relationship with you? You say no, I dont need this person in my life and people will be all over you wanting to be sure you are sure, and judging it, and talking about how you cant replace family and such or acting like its a tragedy of epic proportions. Its just so messed up to me. Worse when I see it in someone placing value on their own relationships. The times I have heard people forgive what they never would in a stranger, friend, or romantic partner all cause they are a relative is truly depressing. The times someones gotten mad at me for pointing out a family member did something shitty and they throw back "you cant judge my family" is just bewildering.
I completely relate. I'm so glad someone else understands that "family" and "relatives" are not the same thing. My family is my chosen family, and my relatives are abusive strangers.
One of the things that I think makes friendship breakups uniquely painful is their almost inherent lack of intention. With romantic relationships, there is usually a conversation, act, or gesture that signifies the relationship's establishment, while friendships tend to just kind of happen. "At what point is does an acquaintance become a friend?" is a lot harder to answer than "at what point does a friend become a significant other?" Also, because there is such a ridiculous amount of emphasis put on romantic relationships, we do not give other types of relationships the same sort of scrutiny.
I wish this video had come out earlier, Ive had two really hard friendship break-ups in the last year. It was really hard to let them both go but now I've had some time and distance I've realised they were both toxic people and brought out the worst in me.I have made some kinder, better friends since but it's still so hard to go through.
I've had 3 similar ones in the last 2 years. I feel you. It can really mess you up if you let it. I'm happy you are going strong despite going throught that. Best in the future to you too^^
This concept reminds me of a UA-cam channel named "WinterSpringPro" that I used to watch a lot about ten years ago or so. It was a young man and a young woman who were best friends. They even lived together as roommates. Over time, they just seemed to drift apart and basically had a friendship breakup. I felt so bad for them because it was clear that they had been very close friends, but somehow their interests went in two different directions.
I’ve passed through a number of friendships in my 70+ years. I’m not at all brave with a goodbye. Usually it’s, “Thank you for asking, but I can’t,” or “I can’t talk now,.” Or some such shut down. No explanation, no excuses, just no. Yeah, I’m a coward. But the few friends I have, I’ve cultivated that friendship. Thanks for this topic.
I had one friendship breakup and omg was it a good thing. We grew apart, she got jealous of my other friends, im 90% sure they were also jealous of me and how i grew and got to a great place in my life, which is sooo shitty. But yeah, we were having a bad streak (she was rude to another very good friend of mine in a nasty way multiple times, i shouldve let her go first time it happened but i was scared), but on her birthday, i messaged her a congrats and the response was "my friends already congratulated me." Thats it, the thanks came about half an hour later. Yup, dropped her like a brick that very instant. Thats just not worth it. Im still so glad i cut her out.
I once had a really weird friendship break up - now this person wasn't the nicest person in the world but at the time it didn't really seem to matter cause they were nice to me (it probably should have but I was little naive). Then all of a sudden, one day they completely stopped talking to me, not only that but they started spreading rumours to the others about me - none of them actually seemed to believe them thankfully. To this day I have no idea what the hell went on there O.o (though I did manage to find some nicer friends)
You all are so strong. though you may not believe me, you’re still fighting to this day despite everything you been put through, despite what may seem like never ending pain; you’re still here. i’m so proud of you for continuing to push on even if you may feel it’s not much, it truly is. you’re so strong, you’re doing well. keep going. it will get better, i promise you that.
Yeah I had to cut tyes with a very toxic friend a few years ago and honestly it made me feel soo much better because she would actively talk about me behind my back and just make me feel terrible. I have much better friends that have probably been the most supportive of my being LGBT and honestly I see them as my family.
I experienced that once too. It's painful at the moment but now I feel relieved and I can acknowledge that at one time she was a great friend and I was happy with her in my life even tho she was toxic and manipulative, and keep in mind the good knowing that the fact that we are not friends anymore is also good and I am better now. In the moment it's hard but I think that after that kind of experience you grow up, at least it was my experience. Happy to know that you have great friends who support and love you now, take care ;)
That happened to me a few years ago too. She was my first friend at college and around the time of our breakup I was realizing that I didn't like how she made me feel and that she wasn't a very good person. I can't remember what disagreement we had, but I know it was something really small and she said something totally uncalled for. I'm adopted and she said "well at least my parents wanted me". It was right next to a mutual friend who didn't say anything, so I don't think that they really thought it was a problem. At any rate, I basically cut them all off the next day. It was kind of difficult because our dorms were directly across from one another. At first, I thought I could forgive her, but after a month and saying I'd like to work it out, she started subtly insulting me in front of another mutual friend. I told her that I actually couldn't forgive her - she got mad. She felt entitled to forgiveness. So glad I cut her out of my life.
I’ve had so many friendship breakups. A lot happen naturally (drifted apart, nothing in common) but the hardest were fights. There is good and bad in everyone I believe but this person completely used me for years (telling her mom she was with me when she was really at her secret boyfriends etc etc) and I know some of it I was at fault (flakiness, anxiety preventing me from going out). The last straw was I moved 40 mins away, friends visited sometimes but most drifted apart. This particular friend was so petty, got mad that I didn’t see a Facebook invite to her sleepover and knowing that I have driving anxiety, called me out on not coming to the event (I didn’t see it) and had others text me how much fun they were having (not in a nice ‘we miss you’ sort of way). It ended when I asked for advice on a mental health Facebook group that she also happened to be apart of, oops! It wasn’t on purpose but I’m better off for it. And she had the audacity to get mad at me for ‘abandoning’ her because I didn’t want to try and repair the friendship. I’d had panic attacks because of her. Thanks for letting me vent! Loved the video💗
(TW Narcissist Abuse) I was friends with someone from 2009 - 2014 who later I found out is a covert narcissist. And boy I missed all the red flags during the friendship. Like for instance, they claimed that they were a police officer for Devon & Cornwall's special unit (if That's an actual thing?). Also, they said that they had many mental health issues too, Again I didn't think much about it. Many of these claims would come out over the time I knew them. They claimed that they are trans MTF had all the surgery which debunks the mental health claims. As known that if a person is not in sound mind they can't go through with the surgery, Their transition also became something of speculation from rumors and claims on why they transitioned. One of the reasons that came from the said person was that they were abused?. Which would go on to be debunked too. Another claim was that they couldn't get a girlfriend as a man hence the sex change and now identify as a lesbian. and they still can't get a partner. It would be clear soon though as one night we were out on the town we were in a bar where a lesbian couple argued and went their separate ways (No break-up happened). Then out of the blue said person went to see what caused the couple to argue then I heard them refer to one of the women as Babe. Which if hindsight was a thing I would have called them out on their behavior as it's both opportunistic & Predatory and the woman she was doing this to only had an argument/disagreement with her girlfriend. It didn't mean that she was single and back on the market etc. Another incident happened in The Mint which is a pub in my hometown of Exeter, We went in for a couple of drinks we were talking to the barmaid and she was talking about how her boyfriend had recently taken his own life, then out of the blue the former friend came out with their ultimate bs story that when they lived in Manchester they were robbed & had guns held to their head while the robbery was taking place, this claim would go on to be proven a lie. This outburst in the pub started making me wonder who this person was?. At the time I was staying with them till I got myself sorted out. The one day that changed my view of them was when I got a phone call from my mum asking me if she should get my sister a 4x4 for her first vehicle?. Then after I finished talking to my mum the said friend said ask your mum if she would buy me a 4x4? too. I responded with No!, Then did I learn something about this person and that's any form of a narcissist is that they don't like the word NO. Then after a few days, while they were talking to a family member of theirs, they said that I was dossing at their place and that I needed to move out ASAP. That evening they went out as a family member of theirs had an accident and was taken to hospital. So I used this moment to call my stepdad to see if he could help me collect my belongings & leave?. Which lucky enough he was free to help and we got my stuff and left. And I've never looked back. Some years back I got informed that I wasn't the only person that they did this to.
surely the ONLY people who think friendship break ups aren’t real are people who’ve never had a friendship breakup or who has never had friends. like TF?! they are absolutely worse than romantic breakups especially if you’re a marginalized person//not social//an only child//a member of a tiny nuclear family//an orphan. friendships are so fucking important, far more important than romantic + familial ones IMO. 🤔 but as someone who has never prioritized or placed a high value on romantic relationships + has a family totaling like 4 people _including_ myself, i probably have a real skewed perspective on this. this was a really great, relatable video, Shaaba. Thank you for the dope content! :0)
I was trying not to feel sad because I recently had to part ways with a really good friend, but I realised it is still a difficult thing to do and I get to feel sad about it. While it's absolutely the right decision because as it turns out we have very different values, that doesn't erase the years where we did have things in common. I want nothing to do with the person they are today, and I'm glad I've had the chance to see how they truly are rather than be under a false impression, but I still miss the person I was friends with whose actions didn't clash with my values.
My life experience (I’m in my 50’s) has taught me that friendships that don’t work anymore are usually mutually acknowledged as such and just fall away naturally.
I've just recently gone through a very rough friendship breakup. After a big fight a few years ago, our friendship had felt rocky to me ever since. She was going through something hard and she felt I didn't care enough. A few months ago, something else bad happened to her, so I went at it from the opposite way I did a few years ago. I went all in with the care and support. But apparently that wasnt right for her either. We didn't talk for over a month. She then did a shitty thing to me so I called her out on it and we had a big argument. I realized there was no way that I could please her and still stand by my beliefs in this situation. We would never see eye to eye on certain things and she took a lot of what I said the wrong way. I'm sure I took some things she said the wrong way too. In the month between our initial issue and the big argument, I thought a lot about our friendship and realized how much of it felt like work, how frequently I would watch what I'd say about certain things for fear of upsetting her. It has been just over a month since our big argument. And I still catch bouts of sadness, but for the most part I'm over it.
A while back I had a really toxic friend who would constantly talk to me as if I was inferior or lesser for multiple reason. We had a really bad argument and I was messed up for weeks about it, then he came back as gave a half-assed apology and asked if we could be friends again. I said no, I think this friendship has been damaged beyond repair and I don't believe we're good for each other. I wish you the best of luck in future relationships and I hope you have a good life. It was hard but I'm so much better off now, with much better friends. So if you have someone like that in your life, let them go. You can do it.
Going through a breakup with four of my closest friends at the moment. It’s happening for the right reasons but it’s still hard. Thank-you for talking about this ✨❤️
I think friendship breakups are even more difficult than breaking up with a romantic partner. I used to be in a very toxic friendship, eventually we broke up and now I feel soooooo much better. It still hurts though because I had spent nearly nine years with this friend. And it took me a while to get over all the feelings of loneliness and sadness that happened after I broke up with that friend. But I do believe that now I'm in a much better place in my life now that this toxic person is gone.
I learned that messy friendship breakups can cause damage even more than romantic ones. Alot of friends who got cheated on were single like.. 2 years max? Until they started slowly again. Because everyone understood them why they are upset. I still can't trust any friend, esp. female (every female friend wanted that typical clothe sharing cuddle thing) enough to have a close friend. And my messy friendship breakup was 5 years ago. But she talked behind my back with my other ex best friend (that was 3 years prior) and said I was the toxic worst friend. Our relationship would not mean anything to me. I was at the stage, I would have broke up with my now 6 year bf in the beginning if she did not like him. I drove hours for her and any other friend of ours. And she started rumors about me. But I was the toxic one... it still gets me after 5 years and a big move 300km away. And the worst: the only reaction I get to this story is: 'You should not think about it. She was just a friend' we really have to normalize that friends mean as much or more than romantic partners
Yes, friendship breakups are defenitely nearly as hard as romantic relationship breakups: The love of my life broke up with me 11 years ago (because he was in love with another girl and was already cheating with her on me for 2 or 3 months...) and it was really aweful. Took me years to get over this and I still have trust issues in romantic relationships. About 6ish years ago I broke up with my best friend ever. We were usually talking, texting and meeting several times a week. But then she moved about an hour car ride away and I was very sad, since I expected for us to drift apart. She also had a new boyfriend for 6 months and was already cancelling dates or was not really "there" when we met. She promised we would still meet several times a month. But that was an empty promise. About 1 year later (in which we saw each other about 6 times and she cancelled equally as many meetings), I felt more and more being an idiot for trying to keep this relationship alive, I rage quit the situation, texting her that I have had enough patience for us to get used to the changes but her behavior gave me the impression that she was no longer interested in our friendship. She didn't even reply. It still hurts to this day nearly as much as the breakup with my ex.
i've had a lot of friendship breakups, they all hurt like hell for at least a year, and the worst one was for about 2 years and one of the worst things that ever happened to me. friendship breakups are really hard, and it's not always as simple as "my friend was bad to me", there are many reasons this happens and even sometimes these breakups are temporary until both people grow and are ready to start again, which also happened to me
Yep... I quote my girlfriend here: ''The part that hurt the most was not that I lost my partner, but that I lost my best friend." This was because her ex boyfriend was also her best friend.
This has been on my mind a lot recently and I think I'd like to use this space to rant if that's okay. I'm really sorry this is so long. I don't think it matters if anybody reads it all, I think I just needed to share. I've had a lot of bad friendships in the past few years. Starting when I was 14 and my parents moved me to a rural area in a different country. I had a great group of friends in the city we lived in and out of those only one stayed in contact with me. My best friend at the time started avoiding me because me because she didn't want to lose me I guess? So she protected herself by pushing me away before I'd even left. Flash forward to a new country, a new school system, a new culture. Thankfully the same language but different enough accent and colloquilisms to make me stand out. I found out I wasn't very good at making friends. And I joined the school late in the year so everybody already had their friend groups anyway. I ended up spending time with people I didn't really like, but there wasn't many other options. I spent most of my time texting the one friend I'd managed to keep from where I lived before. In my second year at that school, a girl from my country joined. I guess that's why I gravitated towards her, though I didn't let myself believe that was the reason at the time. We spent a lot of time together. Like I was at her house pretty much every day after school, she was at my house pretty much every weekend. The kind of perfect friendship. There was a lot of drama with the other people in our friend group but me and her never had any problems. My parents didn't like her for various reasons and that caused me to have arguments with them about it. We got piercings together and I was with her when she got her dog and we talked about sex and boys (ironically, we both went on to realise we were gay. She's a lesbian and I'm nb, bi) and actual deep stuff . She had a lot of family problems she shared that with me. Her mum gave me advice on some problems I had. When I think back to it, it's hard to believe this was all only over the span of a year, maybe eighteen months. The first red flag was probably that summer when she basically told me she was too busy to hang out with me at all. When we went back to school in September I guess I fooled myself that things were the same. But she was getting into trouble more and doing things I wasn't comfortable with. She never really pressured me though. We just didn't spend as much time together. She was finding new friends in people I didn't really like, I was trying to keep our dysfunctional friend group together, two of which were self harming and suicidal. There were a few incidents that come to my mind but I probably shouldn't explain them here. I had a couple of stupid arguments with my friend's mum which, looking back, really shouldn't have happened between a 15 year old and an adult. I didn't see my friend on my 16th birthday, which really upset me. She had a sort of party a few days after NYE, me and her new friends. We sat in the kitchen at midnight and they all smoked. I got along with them, I probably could've fit in with them if I had wanted to. That was the last time I ever spoke to my friend. Afterwards, I found out she'd said a lot of bad shit about me to a mutual. She had been stringing me along basically to laugh about me for the last few months of our friendship. I never confronted her about it. For a while, I was scared to walk around the village she lived in in case I ran into her. Since then I've had two shitty friends. I'm still in contact with the friend from where I used to live. She's my rock basically. And I'm hers. I've lost a friend recently because he was a rape apologist. Right now I have five real friends. Three of them have pretty bad mental health issues. Two of them live in different countries to me. Today, my toxic ex-friend's mum died. My dad found out via facebook. I want to be sad for her but I'm really not. I'm not glad either, no matter how much she hurt me I know she doesn't deserve to go through that. It's been four and a half years and I've only just let myself acknowledge how toxic she actually was. I guess my point is that yeah, friendships can hurt just as much, if not more than, romantic relationships. I'm going to university in September. I'll be in shared living, which my sister had bad experiences with, and I'm really scared I wont be able to make friends. I'm worried it'll be like it was last time I moved, even though I'm older and I know myself better. Maybe I'll get some therapy one day. Until then, I'll just share on youtube videos.
I wish you the best of luck making friends at university. Im sure you've already heard the advice of putting yourself out there and joining groups and such. But what people often ignore when telling people that is just how hard that can be, especially when you've been burned before. Be considerate of yourself. If its hard and your worried thats okay. Im not saying let yourself be paralyzed by it, just dont be too hard on yourself.
Been through that over the past year with my HS ex best friend. Over the past decade since we left school it was forever me reaching out and making plans, patching up. Then last year I went through some emotional stuff which is out of character, she is normally the emotional ones with something constantly going on, and the one time I could have done with her support she wasn't there. I got left on read. I said to myself that this time wasn't going to be reaching out again. Then add in different lives happening and dealing with the pandemic last year in different ways. We haven't spoken since June properly and messages since August when I was left on read. I can now look back on our friendship and realise that I was the one constantly reconnecting and maybe in retrospect holding onto the memories rather than moving forward. I no longer would know what to say, other than polite words, if we were to meet in the street. It's also a relief on my behalf not feeling like I was having to babysit her emotionally and be careful of what I was saying etc. It's okay to move on and have new people in your life especially with high school friendships where it was easier for them to connect and flourish. 👍
I went through some tough Best Friend breakups in secondary school. It took me a while to realize they were more of a bully than a best friend. It made me feel jaded for the longest time because of how toxic it was and question my relationship with everyone. Now I don't have 'besties', just close friends, which suits me just fine. But yeah, friendship breakups suck
Yeah, I had three friends in primary. Two of them came out as world class jerks. Recently went through a really hard friendship breakup and am rewatching this because of this. There were more negatives than positives in our social circle to having her around, but it messed me up a lot because I've spent years running around spending much of my free time desperately trying to keep the group together bc over the years, at least one other best friend has always really liked her. I'm a tangle bc she was a bad thing, but it's forced me to come to terms with all the shit that happened, but there was also good stuff. I've also been having really weird dreams where she's either really nice, that makes me doubt my choices, or really really at her worst which makes me think, well she can't have been that bad
I literally just ended a 7 1/2 year relationship because the person needs to please everyone. Decided to hang out with a group of people who were all talking badly about me. After I did nothing wrong and they did were the ones that tore a group I spend 8 months building (online gaming community). The best part is he was the one that told me they were talking crap about me. So, I ended up breaking up with someone who was a best friend because I don't need people in my life that will hang out with people that spread awful rumors about me in a community I've been a part of for 17 years. Also, for my mental health. Its only been a week but I'm still grieving.
10 years ago when I first moved to the city I live in now, I made this friend who ended up being my BEST friend. I don't think I've ever been so close to someone who wasn't a romantic partner, and it was awesome. We had a great friendship for a few years, but eventually things started turning sour. I won't go into all the details, but it got to a point where things were really toxic and they were doing and saying things that were really harmful. like saying things about me behind my back or cancelling plans last minute. They had migrated over to a new group of friends and started pushing me out of their life, which was really hurtful, but one day we had this EXPLOSIVE fight and that was it. We didn't talk for about two years, and one day they reached out and wanted to try and repair our friendship. I gave them a chance, but things were so different between us and it just didn't work out so we "broke up" as friends for good. Looking back now, I know it was the best thing for me that this friendship ended. There was so much toxicity at the end and I was often feeling used and unappreciated. But I also really miss them. It's not THEM so much that I miss, but the friendship we had when things were good. It's been about 5 or so years since we spoke, but I still think back fondly on the good times and get sad that it all ended. People sometimes don't get the difference. But it's totally valid to mourn a past friendship, even if you are better off without them.
About 2 years ago I decided to break up with one of my best friends for 10 years after she kept insisting that I could not be Ace without having had sex and kept pushing me to keep identifying as Bi. I stopped all contact with her (and the rest of the group, since she was the leader and someone breaking it off with her meant the others wouldn't talk to you anymore) once I realized how toxic it was for me to keep meeting with her.
I was friends with a "best" friend for 21 years. I felt like my heart was being ripped out. We had grown apart and now that I think about it I realize she was never a good friend of mine. I never thought about a life without her in it.
I've had some friendship break ups... actually I was dumb and didn't know that was called ghosting...😂😂 but I'm really glad I am still with the nugget I first met in kindergarten ♥️....it's been 15 years now.....
I have been on both ends of this, breaking up with someone and being broken up with. I only have one friend from school now because all my other friends are now ex friends. But yes, it hurts and it's super sad, either side you are on.
In seventh grade I had a best friend and at the end of the year she transferred to a six-year highschool (it's a concept we have here). She cut all contact with me then I was really really hurt. Like I still think about her quite often. It's also the one thing that makes me question whether I'm aromantic or not, cause it's been such a long time to figure out whether I was in love with her or she was just a best friend. This video was super nice to see because I realised I might need to break up with some friends too and having your feelings recognised over such a matter feels great
I had one friend breakup that hit me very hard, but totally respect it because I was not in a good place to be a good friend at the time. Still wonder how they're doing from time to time and hoping they're keeping well. But yea, if a friend is a drain on your energy/spoons then it's worth examining if they need to be low-doses friends or if you're better off without them in your life, like that person was better off without me in theirs. It hurts, and it's sad, but some friends are not forever. I really enjoyed your take on this, Shaaba, you're very kind!
I had a best friend for years. When we went to high school she told the school that she absolutely didn't want to end up in the same class as me. It took me completely by surprise. Many many years later at a grade school reunion I asked her why she did that. She couldn't explain it she just didn't feel our friendship any more . Which is fine I just wish it hadn't happened like that. The rejection of that still affects me today. I'm always scared of my friends not actually liking me. I have severe fomo with anything they organise together
My best friend of 25 years (still my bestfriend today) went through a period where we didn't talk at all for a few years over some trivial shit...we reconciled
I had a friend who legit wrote a breakup email to me last summer (during COVID!!) because she felt I couldn't support her during her growth (and she couldn't support me during my struggles). Although it was a clean break, it was what ended a huge fight/communication breakdown and in many ways I feel like I still don't have closure because of how she wrote that email. I'm mostly over it (thank you therapy!) but I still get sad when I think about her because we used to talk constantly. Just losing contact with people/naturally growing apart has been a lot easier to deal with but that one was extremely hurtful. Thank you for talking about it and trying to help others communicate better
I needed to hear this. My BEST friend ghosted me 2 years ago out of nowhere and I havent gotten to see or talk to them since. It has hurt me as much if not more than a romantic breakup and I dont feel like I can talk about it. I appreciate this
I’ve only gone through one really permanent friendship break up. She was actually my ex girlfriend but still best friend for years after we broke up mutually. But over the years she became a massive hypochondriac, was very toxic and I’m not exaggerating when I say anytime I hung out with her for any reason, within a couple of days she would need a favor. Yet anytime I needed something (which I rarely ever asked for) she was never there for me. A few years after we stopped talking I ran into her outside my work waiting for the bus so I gave her a ride and we talked and she said she didn’t blame me for doing what I did and said she had changed her life for the better. I was skeptical but she still had my Number so I said maybe we could grab coffee. Less than a week later she texted asking for a ride to bring some stuff to her dads house. Nothing at all had changed. Right now I have a weird situation with another friend that I want to end, but she’s really unstable in her mental health and I don’t want to send her into some sort of spiral. But she’s the kind of person who just fades in and out of your life so my plan at this point is to just not let her fade back in. So what you need to do for your mental well-being! It can be scary and painful but life is too short to make yourself miserable.
My once best friend and I started to drift apart because she became a TERF. I tried to stay friends to try to I guess "de-radicalise" her, but she was doing the same to me lmao. All our interactions were just really negative and turned into fights and I just had to cut her off. It's been nearly a year and I still miss her, and who she was before she fell into the TERF hole.
The timing of this video is kind of amazing... a couple weeks ago i had to officially break up with someone who i considered a best friend for the last 5 years. I got completely ghosted, with no idea why, and i can only hope it was for their own well being and personal growth, but it didn't give me a closing so i had to one-sidedly breakup through an email... it hurt a lot, and still hurts, and navigating this kind of relationship ending is pretty much nonexistent in our modern society 😔
You literally posted this a day after I had a hard phone call with one of my oldest friends. I had to be honest and tell them that I didn’t feel the best friend chemistry anymore and it ended up being like a weird friend-demotion. Emotions all around T_T Thanks for talking about this
I have a friend that I contemplated ending it with for several years now. Our mutual friend who introduced us broke up with her 18~ years ago. Normally it would have frizzled out by now but she holds up this relationship because nobody else sticks around.
Glad you let that toxicity out of your life. I had a similar experience. The person I considered my best friend for most of my young life was incredibly abusive. I had no idea, because my family was abusive and made excuses for her. It wasn't until I went to university, made supportive new friends, and they were horrified by my stories of our relationship that I realized what she was doing and saying was not okay.
Friendship breakups hurt so much. It’s been 3/4 years and it still hurts 😂 I did the breakup/argument and regretted it for years. We then eventually got back in touch and it was so nice to speak again but it’ll never be how it was, and we don’t talk a lot or often. It’s harder because they have a really close group of friends and I just don’t really have that. Thank you for talking about this!
Great video! I do have a request to anyone thinking about breaking up with a friend tho: please try to talk to them about it and if you can, give them a chance to choose to work on it, especially if you know they're in a tough place. Being ghosted for no reason (that you know of) just hurts tbh, especially if you still care about the people
I had a big blowout friendship breakup (3 people at once) 4 years ago and it took me 3 years to not have panic attacks when I would go to the place where one of them works and 3 years to not cry after I would see any of them out and about and I still cry because I miss one of them even now. Thank you for making this because it really is a big problem and I'm glad you spoke about it, it made me feel better 😊
The worst thing is because I have this friend who I have been friends with *literally* since we were 3 years old, and honestly I think I'm only friends with them because of all the memories and how long we've been together, but I came to the conclusion yeeeaaars ago that they are extremely toxic, they are childish, we had a falling out the other day, but we're back together (but my other friend is like ghosting them until they apologise, which I don't even think is going to happen) and honestly I think I'm just friends with them now for career opportunities... and I feel like that's awful....
I had to end my relationship with my best friend of 20 years. I learn she was not such a nice person and talked about me behind my back. She's been out of my life fir 3 years now. When out friendship was over, all of the drama in my life ended.
I went through a big friendship breakup this March and it's taken me a long time to let go, at least partially, of all that pain and sadness. I know I made the right choice because they broke my trust but it's still hard, cuz I thought we'd always be by each other's side and stuff. Thanks for this video
I really needed to hear this. Thank you. I'm also making my wedding guest list and it brings home the fact that people I thought would be there, no longer will be. Including my "best friend" who I had to block for racially abusing me. Friendship breakups are devastating. Thank you for highlighting this and validating my life right now.
As someone who has been friendship broke-up with (an 8 year long friendship), be sure to give the person reasons why you're ending it. So that way they won't sit there for years being hurt and wondering what they did wrong, so they can move in a direction to improve themselves for future friendships/relationships. But, if they were really shitty to you, you don't owe them an explanation, they probably know they were shitty.
I had a "friend" who would snap at me for literally anything and she once screamed at me in front of other friends, resulting in my crying. My other friends were so shocked that I just took it and accepted that thats the way friendships work.... in the end I cut her off cold turkey. It was so difficult, I felt like such a bad person. But it was definitely important to do
I went through that when my ex friend divorced her husband. It was so awkward because she literally convinced me to be apart of their family and text them and hangout with them at their family functions. They helped me in though times too but at the end my friend was like stay away from them. I felt divided because the family genuinely cared about my family since I had only my mum and little one. I just stayed away from everyone altogether. I didn't want to cause problems. I miss everyone but respect my ex friend's wishes. The only reason we aren't friends now is because she wanted my brother and low key became shady. You can date after divorcing but focus on your children first. I felt so bad for their kids.
i couldn't watch this video a week ago when it came out, cause i was currently going through something that was leading to a friendship breakup, and it just hit too close to home. after two weeks of buildup the dam sorta broke the day this was uploaded. a week removed from the situation, it still hurts, but i managed to watch the video, and i just wanted to say thank you. it was really validating to hear someone say it's okay to be broken up over losing a friendship
This is definitely totally a real thing. My last year in university my best friend from high school made it abundantly clear that they had no interest in respecting our mutual commitments and/or my time. It was horrible. It was garbage. I still know that cutting that person out of my life was the right thing for my mental health. And yet, I still feel sad about it.
I needed this video about one year ago, it could have saved me the last few very painful months of a major friendship break up. I was very fortunate to have a very supportive close friend beside me during it, but boy oh boy was it a tough week to live through. This did help validate that I was right to have ended that friendship.
Its my second time watching and its made me think of it less in the abstract and enjoying the humor in the video and instead Im thinking of my own experiences. Ive cut off about four people in my life and been on the side of being cut off by a few as well. But I feel like there is one experience I should share where it wasnt a friendship breakup but could Have been. I have a friend who was one of my favorite people. Best of friends, talk every day, and all of that. Things were great, until they werent. It reached a point where I was emotionally I was supporting and giving and giving and giving but really not getting supported in return, and this had been going on for so long that I stopped expecting to be. We'd been friends for years and we always had times when one person needed more supporting and it would be given but it always came back around or found a balance one day,. Then one day, I realized it had been almost a year since it was "my turn." I knew it wasnt my friends fualt exactly. She was going through shit. Serious shit and wasnt in a place to give but I wasnt in a place to go on spending so much of my energy when getting nothing back. I seriously considered ending the friendship after a particular event highlighted to me just how bad things had gotten. But instead of a breakup I stepped back and downgraded the friendship. She went from my best friend, my number one person, to someone I am friends with and have alot of history with. New boundaries were drawn and expectations lowered. And it made things better. Our friendship isn't the same and I had to grieve for loosing what we had but its been years and we are still in each others lives. We get to have fun and talk from time to time, sometimes we have those deep chats we used to have and help each other out, and its good. Not a great friendship but still a good one. My life has been better for still having her in it. I don't think this is a thing that really gets talked about. Most of the time media portrays relationships developing into more over time or just ending and we kind of accept thats how they have to progress. But in the same way a couple can realize they would be better as friends so they redefine the relationship, you can redefine the friendship. You can move someone to a different slot or place in your life. You can be less close with someone without loosing them entirely. Maybe they've changed, you've changed, life's taking you in different places, but you can still see each other sometimes and have fun and thats allowed. They can be that friend you just sometimes get lunch with, or the one you work out with and decidedly dont talk about politics with, or whatever. Just because you were close in the past doesnt mean you cant bring back some distance.
really appreciate this comment. i'm in a similar position right now where i'm connfused where i stand with a (online) friend who i would chat with pretty much everyday and considered one of my best friends -- we would tell each other our deepest concerns or issues and also have the best time just chatting about random interests and laughing at dumb reality shows together. that was, until something really traumatic happened in my family that pretty much kept me off all social media or wanting to engage with others about. i took a few months off without telling or speaking to them which in retrospect i feel a little bad about, because they genuinely were confused and v concerned why i just dropped off the earth. after that time i communicated what a hard time id been having and it was still hard to explain fully what happened, and they understood and told me theyll be there whenever im ready. since then, senior year in college's really been throwing me for a loop and i really havent been accessible really, which i feel worse about since im emotionally in a better place than last time. but when i have reached out, ive started to notice how much they never check in on how im doing or my feelings. i feel like i always have to bring up my problems on my own accord, because when i ask them about theirs thats what takes up about every conversation. and ofc im glad to support her because she's been going through a lot of sh*t, and so i know it could be hard to ask about what i may be up to, but i can never really tell how much she genuinely is curious or concerned about me anymore. ive been a super emotional couple of years but yeah, things have never recovered really and am always second guessing our conversations and friendship...i love and care about her deeply, but its so so difficult for me to verbalize how i feel like my time and emotions arent also being thought of. even when i try to keep things lighthearted and fun, making jokes and we're just talking about interests, she doesnt reciprocate the energy or ask me back and i feel like im trying to force a spark back into something that really is just emotionally draining. im sure a lot of it has to do with me being absent for such long periods of time because of being overwhelmed with life , but i would think they would be more understanding of my situation too. this ended up being soo long and you definitely dont have to read the whole thing and im sorry, but yeah...really just dont know what to do because i really really miss what we had before, but i also dont know how i would address any of this without sounding like im complaining about her needing support yknow? im always prioritizing others' feelings too :(
Becca A im sorry I didn't get to respond to this sooner. Despite my settings being turned on to alert me youtube rarely bothers to let me know people replied. Also, I am a typo queen so no need to apologize. Im sorry the relationship isn't what it was and Im sorry you aren't getting what you feel your giving. The only advise I have is even if it feels awkward bring up what your feeling and give them the chance to do better before calling an end to it. Sometimes if you are honest and explain people will do better or they agree and you both come to an understanding that its time for it to end. Better closure all around.
@@khaxjc1 thank you so much for your reply. yes, they've been running through my head a lot and everytime i keep my distance from them/don't message i feel guilty because i do genuinely miss her and want to know what she's been up or ask how life has been (since she was dealing with some tough stuff last time i talked) but i also feel so unprepared to dive into that conversation. i feel like there's so much to catch up on in both our lives, i don't know how to bring it up without making her sound like selfish or something. but i suppose i do probably just owe our relationship and conversations more time too, so that we don't just catch up about the big traumatic events in our lives and can also talk about these other things. we used to message each other and chat casually everyday and i miss that a lot, everything just seemed to flow so much more naturally
@@khaxjc1 also i'm sorry about the inconsistent pronouns lol -- i tried to make it more anonymous by saying "they" but now i've started using "she" anyways. also just to say again -- i appreciate you reading my comment and your advice so much!! can't believe i wrote so much haha
I broke up with a friend last year after she was vehemently anti-mask and made some very VERY selfish statements related to the pandemic. And she KNEW my grandma had just died from COVID-19. Soooooo, I cut her out of my life right then and there after our 26 year friendship (our dads are best friends, so we've been friends our whole lives). Sometimes I do miss her, but I miss the old her. Honestly, her views had been diverging from mine for a while, so I guess the pandemic was just the straw that broke the camel's back.
Actually, I broke up with two friends because of the pandemic last year... But the other was a lot more messy and bothers me a lot less that he's gone, sooooo let's just not talk about that ex-friend.
THANK YOU for talking about this! I really wish that this would be normalized. I recently ended a friendship that went on for way too long. I felt so bad about it and I still feel guilty and weird. But it also feels good to choose what's best for you and to no longer feel obligated to hang out with someone.
I think friendship breakups are harder than partner breakups because we have this understanding that partners come and go, but we also have an idea that FRIENDS ARE 4EVER. Which, the older I get, I realize is crap. 🙄 Thank you for talking about this. ♥️
I had this happen recently. I was betrayed by a friend; a best friend. When I wanted to talk about the issue they turned it around and made me out to be the bad guy. Then called me emotionally immature for feeling betrayed. They didn't agree that loyal friends were a thing. We had a fundamental difference on our definition of friendship. This video helped me. It made me feel more normal and validated in feeling what I felt. More validated knowing I'm not crazy and that this is a normal part of life. Thank you so much for this video
I almost never break up a friendship, like I'm a 100% that extrovert with 40 besties... But the ones I've had were horrible, like from "oh they're not following me on my socials and avoid going to the same spots as me" kinda stab to the utterly terrible "you're bi? *Homophobic shit*" I think the best friendship break I've seen was my best friend with my ex. He sat down with her and talk through about all the things he had been keeping inside. And then he desired her the bestest of luck.
One friendship breakup... Well technically she moved away without telling me and no one would give me her personal information to contact her so it wasn't really a breakup... Anyway it completely changed me as a human being and this happened when I was 9.
I'm sorry for you :/ Maybe she was young and would do it differently now but I understand the pain. I hope you have better and honnest relationship now. Take care of yourself :)
thank you so much for this video, i have three friends that ive known since fourth grade that also happen to be my only friends. like literally the only people i talk to on a near daily basis besides my family and recently i came out to them as bisexual and turns out... theyre ALL homophobic. i know i shouldnt have toxic behavior like theirs in my life when it comes to who i am as a person but i was also really scared to cut them off since that would mean i have no one. this video really helped me a lot more than you would expect so thanks again, have a great day!
I had a friend when I was a kid who reaaaaally crossed some boundaries (like, *badly* 😬) and I didn't tell anyone about that, but I tried to friend break up with her and I got in a lot of trouble with my parents because she was younger than me. Like I wasn't mean, I just told her I didn't want to be friends or hang out anymore, and I had to apologize to her and my mom kept inviting her over. The much much more recently I had a roommate who had previously been a friendly acquaintance. I knew she struggled really badly with anxiety to the point where she didn't really socialize. But then she seemed to think that agreeing to be roommates = agreeing to be BFFs with no boundaries. It was really uncomfortable to have someone be emotionally dependent on me, but luckily we'd only agreed to one semester with her as our roommate. But even after she wasn't our roommate, she would still CONSTANTLY try to hang out, so we met with her and explained that her perception of our relationship wasn't accurate or healthy, and that it was better for everyone to go our separate ways. And I felt like an Actual Movie Villain doing it. Friendship breakups ABSOLUTELY should be normal, and the people doing the breaking up should NOT be villainized.
I broke up with a friend a while ago. I sent a message explaining that we couldn't be friend's anymore and answered some questions. Later, I told a mutual friend about the break up and he asked how I felt about it. I responded with "relieved" and he asked, "Not guilty?" I was so angry that he thought I should feel guilt for making a healthy decision for myself.
So important! I've had a couple of friendship breakups of various kinds. A part of me still mourns the end of my very first friendship - the one time in my life I was what dating people seem to call "ghosted" (I myself am aro-ace). It was the neighbours' boy, we went to kindergarten and first year or school together, spent all our time together - and then I moved away, to a different country. Our families stayed in touch, however - and whenever we did see each other, we just clicked (even during the years when most kids stick with friends of their own gender). When we were 18, we even decided to go on vacation to Venice, just the two of us, and it was beautiful. So picture my astonishment when a couple years later he stopped contacting me. I didn't actively notice until my birthday passed without a message, something that had never happened before - just a year earlier he'd sent me a lovely pair of earrings. I knew he'd gotten into his first serious relationship, and that his girlfriend had some issues with him being close friends with another girl, so to this day I assume that was the reason. But I'll never know, and while I realise this means he wasn't as good a friend as I thought (or he would never have behaved like this), I think a part of me will always miss him, even 20 years later...
Oh I had a friend who was one of my best friends from elementary school to college... long story short... I realize that she was the most toxic person I’d ever met after I decided the religious college we went to wasn’t for me and that I wanted to go back to a public college... she kept basically saying that that meant I was atheist (not how that works 🙄).... anyway all ended up for the best because I made some great friends who helped me realize I’m asexual panromantic and that was why I was so annoyed every time they talked about how horrible homosexuality was.... sometimes you just need to walk away
I 'brokeup' with my friend from elementary school this past year because she has always talked poorly about us to each other in private but never owned up to it or brought up what ever she was upset about to that person directly and I called her out and asked her to be a better friend to all of us and she decided not to so I said bye for good. It still hurts but I'm glad I stood up for me and our mutual friends still.
I lost 2 best friends, it hurt a lot but I am glad I did it. Although one of them doesn’t believe we aren’t friends anymore 🙄 she effed me over so much and still acts like we’re “besties” when we run into each other
I'm not sure I've ever had a friend breakup, but honestly it sounds like it would be handy. At the same time, I feel like the people would be like "what? what do you even mean?" Maybe it's a generational thing, but I've always just ghosted over time.
I actually started to talk to my best friends about this because we all met at uni and are going through friendship break-ups with school friends but it always feels a little awkward when starting the conversation as I fear they might think its about my friendship with them (which it is very much not) :D There is also a great song by BLÜ EYES called 'break up with a friend' that captures the difficulty of a friendship break-up perfectly! I would definitely recommend it to everyone
As someone who is discovering polyamory, I am learning how close/similar friendships and romantic relationships are and I think it’s really important to realize this even if you are monogamous. Love that you made a video about this!
I broke up with a friend a while ago. And she was my bestie. But it was this complex problem of our mental illnesses were not working together, and they were making it weird how all my issues were something that was inexcusable but I had to be okay with their mental illnesses needed all the forgiveness. I love them, still do. Yet, the final conversation was anytime they brought things up I listened, and they attacked, I apologized, and when I said "This hurt me." they said it was my fault. It was very gaslighting, even if it was by accident. I still needed this. It happened just before covid, so sometime things are a little weird. But thank you
How my friendship breakup happened: I used to have two best friends, but over quarantine I kinda just stopped talking to one of them. She was very controlling, and always tried to make me think that whatever she was doing was right. I matured a lot from my time away from her, got a lot closer to my other best friend who just let me be me, was emotionally quite mature, and supported me no matter what. She even helped my recover from sh! I'm in a better place now, with a lot less friends (4) and I benefitted quite a lot from his experience.
People really discount friendships and the importance they have in a persons life.
The worst part is that friendship breakups are usually slow-burning, and one person is always out of the loop when/why it's happening. There's so much more grayness to these kinds of situations, which make them feel extremely difficult to navigate.
Yes. I would say the absolute worst kind of friendship break up is one that is unresolved or one-sided. All of my friendships from school faded away one day and the worst thing is my best friend in the whole world just stopped talking to me and I have no idea why. They never told me of any issues they had with me or what was going wrong and that hurts the most of all the friendships I've lost.
you have just put years of confusion to rest, thank you -
oof. Yes. Well said. My former best friend just wrote me a letter one day in which she said she felt bad whenever she had any kind of contact with me and that she's ending the friendship, and that she hoped I respect that and don't get in touch with her again. One of the worst days of my life. I too had been slowly feeling more uncomfortable around her, I knew our friendship wasn't as strong as it used to be, but to read that I was making her feel bad so often and then knowing there's no way to talk about it because she asked me not to contact her again ... It was extremely difficult to deal with. I think I spent 2 days in bed, just binging something on Netflix. Friendship break-ups really can feel very, well, 'break-uppy'.
“Take my advice I’m clearly not using it” 😂😂 I felt that so much
Its gold 😂
A good rule of thumb that I learnt from someone is this: You wouldn't do a job that only pays you sometimes, you would live in a house that only has a roof sometimes, so don't stay in a friendship that only makes you happy sometimes, and miserable the rest.
I think friend break ups are worse than romantic break ups!
I definitely do
SAME
Agreed. Not the least of which being that you have some sort of universal right to mourn when you go through a romantic breakup, but when you break up with a friend it's just you feeling alone and weird and in pain. It's rough.
I remember a particular friendship breakup. She put all of her emotional labour on me for years, it was exhausting, and never allowed me to lean on her in return. Then one day I posted a FB update that I was struggling with depression and sorry if I'm not hot on replying to messages and she phoned me immediately to say WHAT ABOUT ME. I didn't even break up with her, I put the phone down and blocked her. It was such a relief.
Wow, that person was toxic omg... I hope you are better now, or that you will be. Try to take care of yourself if you can. I know mental health is not always easy...
Damn you are so strong
It takes guts to take that step. Good job girl
I had almost exactly this identical experience a year ago 😶
Oh my god, I have been there. That's awful.
I think it might have been better if you tried talking to her earlier in your friendship about what she was doing that bothered you and given her a chance to improve, but ultimately I'm proud of you for doing what you needed to do, and I hope you're feeling better now. 🧡💛🧡
Friendship breakups ARE hard, thanks for talking about this often dismissed topic!
I just wanted to take the time and THANK YOU for naming aromantics. It was just a little thing but it means a lot to have even just the term mentioned. Thank you!
i was just about to say! like its sad how happy i was literally just because i heard someone other than me say the word outloud. representation
As someone who's Aro-spec, it was awful to go through a terrible friendship breakup and have people insinuate that I was only miserable because I hadn't gone through a "real" breakup before. This kind of affirmation really helps.
Pardon my language, but fuck them. I’m neither aro nor ace and I still terribly miss by ex-BFF with whom I was friends since kindergarten and with whom my friendship ended 7/8 years ago. I sometimes stay up crying because I miss that her so much.
@@safala you're totally right and I do it too an that's okay - because even though we've moved on, that doesn't mean that we're not allowed to miss that person sometimes because even though they're not a active part of our life anymore, they used to be it once and that for a long time, so yeah ig it's normal to yearn for what you used to have sometimes, even though you know it won't ever be the same way it used to be. also remember to stay strong and take good care of yourself! ♡︎
@@moved4567 Thank you! I needed to hear this. It feels so… sad (I don’t think I remember a proper word for this) to miss your best friend (ex or not) and wonder if they feel the same and end up believing that they don’t. It’s nice to be reminded that it’s normal. So, thank you again.
All breakups are real breakups. Your feelings are valid. 💚🤍🖤
No one can measure your mental state but you. You do not have to justify your feelings. “Let me process this the best I can.”
"Some friendship breaks up can feel worse than romantic ones." This literally just changed my entire understanding of a trauma I have and I can't thank you enough.
Shaaba's hair is so lovely - I really want her to wear some sort of flower crown at her wedding, she'd look like a little wood nymph
As someone who broke up with a friend, here’s my advice:
1. Try to minimize your regrets. I went through a huge cycle of guilt after breaking up and I think what could’ve really helped is: actually write a physical list of why you are cutting this person off and avoid saying anything really mean
2. Actually cut that person off. After you have said your peace snd they’ve said theirs, block them and do NOT reach out to them again to “see how they’re doing.” It will only send mixed messages and cause more hurt
3. Make sure you have a friend group that is wholly separate of that person. It’s fine to have mutual friends after a breakup, but you need at least one person who is on your side
That's great advice. This didn't happen to me, but my boyfriend this year. He had some friends that did not respect him at all (he'd known them since he was in elementary school) and just stayed friends "because I've known them a long time". When they had a big fight that they didn't take seriously he was venting to me and I thought they sounded just awful. A week later, he was texting one of the friends a meme, and I asked him what he was doing. Turns out, whenever he was in a fight before he would still text them a little, but was just not talking to them in person. Apparently everyone knew that he would start taking to them in a few months and it was always his job to get over whatever they had done.
For context, this wasn't some petty fight. My bf was angry that his friends had been racist to a waitress "as a joke".
Thankfully, he's finally cut them out of his life. I was so sad that he hadn't realized that they felt like him texting was a green light to be awful to him and not change their behavior.
Its always been weird to me that so much of society puts extreme weight to romantic and sexual relationships while discounting friendships and other forms of support. But I feel like what gets talked about less and is still odd is how so many hold blood and family ties on a pedestal as if this ensures some magical connection friendship ad families of choice cant touch. Been friends with someone for a decades, there was a time they were your greatest support, but events just moves you out of each others lives and your sad the friendship had changed or ended? People will act like its just natural people move in and out of you life and no big. But when say, an abusive or draining family member wants a relationship with you? You say no, I dont need this person in my life and people will be all over you wanting to be sure you are sure, and judging it, and talking about how you cant replace family and such or acting like its a tragedy of epic proportions. Its just so messed up to me. Worse when I see it in someone placing value on their own relationships. The times I have heard people forgive what they never would in a stranger, friend, or romantic partner all cause they are a relative is truly depressing. The times someones gotten mad at me for pointing out a family member did something shitty and they throw back "you cant judge my family" is just bewildering.
OH MY GOD. RIGHT????
I completely relate. I'm so glad someone else understands that "family" and "relatives" are not the same thing. My family is my chosen family, and my relatives are abusive strangers.
One of the things that I think makes friendship breakups uniquely painful is their almost inherent lack of intention. With romantic relationships, there is usually a conversation, act, or gesture that signifies the relationship's establishment, while friendships tend to just kind of happen. "At what point is does an acquaintance become a friend?" is a lot harder to answer than "at what point does a friend become a significant other?" Also, because there is such a ridiculous amount of emphasis put on romantic relationships, we do not give other types of relationships the same sort of scrutiny.
I wish this video had come out earlier, Ive had two really hard friendship break-ups in the last year. It was really hard to let them both go but now I've had some time and distance I've realised they were both toxic people and brought out the worst in me.I have made some kinder, better friends since but it's still so hard to go through.
🙏❤️
I've had 3 similar ones in the last 2 years. I feel you. It can really mess you up if you let it. I'm happy you are going strong despite going throught that. Best in the future to you too^^
Toxic Friendships suck, I wish you the best for the future!
This concept reminds me of a UA-cam channel named "WinterSpringPro" that I used to watch a lot about ten years ago or so. It was a young man and a young woman who were best friends. They even lived together as roommates. Over time, they just seemed to drift apart and basically had a friendship breakup. I felt so bad for them because it was clear that they had been very close friends, but somehow their interests went in two different directions.
I’ve passed through a number of friendships in my 70+ years. I’m not at all brave with a goodbye. Usually it’s, “Thank you for asking, but I can’t,” or “I can’t talk now,.” Or some such shut down. No explanation, no excuses, just no. Yeah, I’m a coward. But the few friends I have, I’ve cultivated that friendship. Thanks for this topic.
I had one friendship breakup and omg was it a good thing. We grew apart, she got jealous of my other friends, im 90% sure they were also jealous of me and how i grew and got to a great place in my life, which is sooo shitty.
But yeah, we were having a bad streak (she was rude to another very good friend of mine in a nasty way multiple times, i shouldve let her go first time it happened but i was scared), but on her birthday, i messaged her a congrats and the response was "my friends already congratulated me." Thats it, the thanks came about half an hour later.
Yup, dropped her like a brick that very instant. Thats just not worth it. Im still so glad i cut her out.
I once had a really weird friendship break up - now this person wasn't the nicest person in the world but at the time it didn't really seem to matter cause they were nice to me (it probably should have but I was little naive). Then all of a sudden, one day they completely stopped talking to me, not only that but they started spreading rumours to the others about me - none of them actually seemed to believe them thankfully. To this day I have no idea what the hell went on there O.o (though I did manage to find some nicer friends)
It’s great that you found nice friends. Nice profile picture by the way.
You all are so strong. though you may not believe me, you’re still fighting to this day despite everything you been put through, despite what may seem like never ending pain; you’re still here. i’m so proud of you for continuing to push on even if you may feel it’s not much, it truly is. you’re so strong, you’re doing well. keep going. it will get better, i promise you that.
its fren cactus
If you keep being so nice, I'm going to rename you Cuddly Cactus! Have a wonderful day! ❤️🙏🏳️🌈
I see your comments everywhere, it’s so great that you spread so much positivity!
You're such a lovely bean
Yeah I had to cut tyes with a very toxic friend a few years ago and honestly it made me feel soo much better because she would actively talk about me behind my back and just make me feel terrible. I have much better friends that have probably been the most supportive of my being LGBT and honestly I see them as my family.
I experienced that once too. It's painful at the moment but now I feel relieved and I can acknowledge that at one time she was a great friend and I was happy with her in my life even tho she was toxic and manipulative, and keep in mind the good knowing that the fact that we are not friends anymore is also good and I am better now. In the moment it's hard but I think that after that kind of experience you grow up, at least it was my experience. Happy to know that you have great friends who support and love you now, take care ;)
That happened to me a few years ago too. She was my first friend at college and around the time of our breakup I was realizing that I didn't like how she made me feel and that she wasn't a very good person. I can't remember what disagreement we had, but I know it was something really small and she said something totally uncalled for. I'm adopted and she said "well at least my parents wanted me". It was right next to a mutual friend who didn't say anything, so I don't think that they really thought it was a problem. At any rate, I basically cut them all off the next day. It was kind of difficult because our dorms were directly across from one another. At first, I thought I could forgive her, but after a month and saying I'd like to work it out, she started subtly insulting me in front of another mutual friend. I told her that I actually couldn't forgive her - she got mad. She felt entitled to forgiveness. So glad I cut her out of my life.
I just ghost them when possible, but then I tend to only leave people when they've hurt me 🤷♀️
I’ve had so many friendship breakups. A lot happen naturally (drifted apart, nothing in common) but the hardest were fights. There is good and bad in everyone I believe but this person completely used me for years (telling her mom she was with me when she was really at her secret boyfriends etc etc) and I know some of it I was at fault (flakiness, anxiety preventing me from going out). The last straw was I moved 40 mins away, friends visited sometimes but most drifted apart. This particular friend was so petty, got mad that I didn’t see a Facebook invite to her sleepover and knowing that I have driving anxiety, called me out on not coming to the event (I didn’t see it) and had others text me how much fun they were having (not in a nice ‘we miss you’ sort of way). It ended when I asked for advice on a mental health Facebook group that she also happened to be apart of, oops! It wasn’t on purpose but I’m better off for it. And she had the audacity to get mad at me for ‘abandoning’ her because I didn’t want to try and repair the friendship. I’d had panic attacks because of her.
Thanks for letting me vent! Loved the video💗
(TW Narcissist Abuse) I was friends with someone from 2009 - 2014 who later I found out is a covert narcissist. And boy I missed all the red flags during the friendship. Like for instance, they claimed that they were a police officer for Devon & Cornwall's special unit (if That's an actual thing?). Also, they said that they had many mental health issues too, Again I didn't think much about it. Many of these claims would come out over the time I knew them. They claimed that they are trans MTF had all the surgery which debunks the mental health claims. As known that if a person is not in sound mind they can't go through with the surgery, Their transition also became something of speculation from rumors and claims on why they transitioned. One of the reasons that came from the said person was that they were abused?. Which would go on to be debunked too. Another claim was that they couldn't get a girlfriend as a man hence the sex change and now identify as a lesbian. and they still can't get a partner. It would be clear soon though as one night we were out on the town we were in a bar where a lesbian couple argued and went their separate ways (No break-up happened). Then out of the blue said person went to see what caused the couple to argue then I heard them refer to one of the women as Babe. Which if hindsight was a thing I would have called them out on their behavior as it's both opportunistic & Predatory and the woman she was doing this to only had an argument/disagreement with her girlfriend. It didn't mean that she was single and back on the market etc. Another incident happened in The Mint which is a pub in my hometown of Exeter, We went in for a couple of drinks we were talking to the barmaid and she was talking about how her boyfriend had recently taken his own life, then out of the blue the former friend came out with their ultimate bs story that when they lived in Manchester they were robbed & had guns held to their head while the robbery was taking place, this claim would go on to be proven a lie. This outburst in the pub started making me wonder who this person was?. At the time I was staying with them till I got myself sorted out. The one day that changed my view of them was when I got a phone call from my mum asking me if she should get my sister a 4x4 for her first vehicle?. Then after I finished talking to my mum the said friend said ask your mum if she would buy me a 4x4? too. I responded with No!, Then did I learn something about this person and that's any form of a narcissist is that they don't like the word NO. Then after a few days, while they were talking to a family member of theirs, they said that I was dossing at their place and that I needed to move out ASAP. That evening they went out as a family member of theirs had an accident and was taken to hospital. So I used this moment to call my stepdad to see if he could help me collect my belongings & leave?. Which lucky enough he was free to help and we got my stuff and left. And I've never looked back. Some years back I got informed that I wasn't the only person that they did this to.
surely the ONLY people who think friendship break ups aren’t real are people who’ve never had a friendship breakup or who has never had friends. like TF?! they are absolutely worse than romantic breakups especially if you’re a marginalized person//not social//an only child//a member of a tiny nuclear family//an orphan.
friendships are so fucking important, far more important than romantic + familial ones IMO. 🤔 but as someone who has never prioritized or placed a high value on romantic relationships + has a family totaling like 4 people _including_ myself, i probably have a real skewed perspective on this.
this was a really great, relatable video, Shaaba. Thank you for the dope content! :0)
I was trying not to feel sad because I recently had to part ways with a really good friend, but I realised it is still a difficult thing to do and I get to feel sad about it. While it's absolutely the right decision because as it turns out we have very different values, that doesn't erase the years where we did have things in common. I want nothing to do with the person they are today, and I'm glad I've had the chance to see how they truly are rather than be under a false impression, but I still miss the person I was friends with whose actions didn't clash with my values.
My life experience (I’m in my 50’s) has taught me that friendships that don’t work anymore are usually mutually acknowledged as such and just fall away naturally.
I've just recently gone through a very rough friendship breakup. After a big fight a few years ago, our friendship had felt rocky to me ever since. She was going through something hard and she felt I didn't care enough. A few months ago, something else bad happened to her, so I went at it from the opposite way I did a few years ago. I went all in with the care and support. But apparently that wasnt right for her either. We didn't talk for over a month. She then did a shitty thing to me so I called her out on it and we had a big argument. I realized there was no way that I could please her and still stand by my beliefs in this situation. We would never see eye to eye on certain things and she took a lot of what I said the wrong way. I'm sure I took some things she said the wrong way too. In the month between our initial issue and the big argument, I thought a lot about our friendship and realized how much of it felt like work, how frequently I would watch what I'd say about certain things for fear of upsetting her. It has been just over a month since our big argument. And I still catch bouts of sadness, but for the most part I'm over it.
friendship breakups suckkkk. Finally, someone's talking about it. Thx!
A while back I had a really toxic friend who would constantly talk to me as if I was inferior or lesser for multiple reason. We had a really bad argument and I was messed up for weeks about it, then he came back as gave a half-assed apology and asked if we could be friends again. I said no, I think this friendship has been damaged beyond repair and I don't believe we're good for each other. I wish you the best of luck in future relationships and I hope you have a good life. It was hard but I'm so much better off now, with much better friends. So if you have someone like that in your life, let them go. You can do it.
Going through a breakup with four of my closest friends at the moment. It’s happening for the right reasons but it’s still hard. Thank-you for talking about this ✨❤️
I think friendship breakups are even more difficult than breaking up with a romantic partner. I used to be in a very toxic friendship, eventually we broke up and now I feel soooooo much better. It still hurts though because I had spent nearly nine years with this friend. And it took me a while to get over all the feelings of loneliness and sadness that happened after I broke up with that friend. But I do believe that now I'm in a much better place in my life now that this toxic person is gone.
I learned that messy friendship breakups can cause damage even more than romantic ones. Alot of friends who got cheated on were single like.. 2 years max? Until they started slowly again. Because everyone understood them why they are upset. I still can't trust any friend, esp. female (every female friend wanted that typical clothe sharing cuddle thing) enough to have a close friend. And my messy friendship breakup was 5 years ago.
But she talked behind my back with my other ex best friend (that was 3 years prior) and said I was the toxic worst friend. Our relationship would not mean anything to me.
I was at the stage, I would have broke up with my now 6 year bf in the beginning if she did not like him. I drove hours for her and any other friend of ours. And she started rumors about me. But I was the toxic one... it still gets me after 5 years and a big move 300km away. And the worst: the only reaction I get to this story is: 'You should not think about it. She was just a friend' we really have to normalize that friends mean as much or more than romantic partners
Yes, friendship breakups are defenitely nearly as hard as romantic relationship breakups: The love of my life broke up with me 11 years ago (because he was in love with another girl and was already cheating with her on me for 2 or 3 months...) and it was really aweful. Took me years to get over this and I still have trust issues in romantic relationships. About 6ish years ago I broke up with my best friend ever. We were usually talking, texting and meeting several times a week. But then she moved about an hour car ride away and I was very sad, since I expected for us to drift apart. She also had a new boyfriend for 6 months and was already cancelling dates or was not really "there" when we met. She promised we would still meet several times a month. But that was an empty promise. About 1 year later (in which we saw each other about 6 times and she cancelled equally as many meetings), I felt more and more being an idiot for trying to keep this relationship alive, I rage quit the situation, texting her that I have had enough patience for us to get used to the changes but her behavior gave me the impression that she was no longer interested in our friendship. She didn't even reply. It still hurts to this day nearly as much as the breakup with my ex.
i've had a lot of friendship breakups, they all hurt like hell for at least a year, and the worst one was for about 2 years and one of the worst things that ever happened to me. friendship breakups are really hard, and it's not always as simple as "my friend was bad to me", there are many reasons this happens and even sometimes these breakups are temporary until both people grow and are ready to start again, which also happened to me
Yep... I quote my girlfriend here: ''The part that hurt the most was not that I lost my partner, but that I lost my best friend." This was because her ex boyfriend was also her best friend.
This has been on my mind a lot recently and I think I'd like to use this space to rant if that's okay. I'm really sorry this is so long. I don't think it matters if anybody reads it all, I think I just needed to share.
I've had a lot of bad friendships in the past few years. Starting when I was 14 and my parents moved me to a rural area in a different country. I had a great group of friends in the city we lived in and out of those only one stayed in contact with me. My best friend at the time started avoiding me because me because she didn't want to lose me I guess? So she protected herself by pushing me away before I'd even left.
Flash forward to a new country, a new school system, a new culture. Thankfully the same language but different enough accent and colloquilisms to make me stand out. I found out I wasn't very good at making friends. And I joined the school late in the year so everybody already had their friend groups anyway. I ended up spending time with people I didn't really like, but there wasn't many other options. I spent most of my time texting the one friend I'd managed to keep from where I lived before.
In my second year at that school, a girl from my country joined. I guess that's why I gravitated towards her, though I didn't let myself believe that was the reason at the time. We spent a lot of time together. Like I was at her house pretty much every day after school, she was at my house pretty much every weekend. The kind of perfect friendship. There was a lot of drama with the other people in our friend group but me and her never had any problems. My parents didn't like her for various reasons and that caused me to have arguments with them about it. We got piercings together and I was with her when she got her dog and we talked about sex and boys (ironically, we both went on to realise we were gay. She's a lesbian and I'm nb, bi) and actual deep stuff . She had a lot of family problems she shared that with me. Her mum gave me advice on some problems I had. When I think back to it, it's hard to believe this was all only over the span of a year, maybe eighteen months.
The first red flag was probably that summer when she basically told me she was too busy to hang out with me at all. When we went back to school in September I guess I fooled myself that things were the same. But she was getting into trouble more and doing things I wasn't comfortable with. She never really pressured me though. We just didn't spend as much time together. She was finding new friends in people I didn't really like, I was trying to keep our dysfunctional friend group together, two of which were self harming and suicidal. There were a few incidents that come to my mind but I probably shouldn't explain them here. I had a couple of stupid arguments with my friend's mum which, looking back, really shouldn't have happened between a 15 year old and an adult. I didn't see my friend on my 16th birthday, which really upset me. She had a sort of party a few days after NYE, me and her new friends. We sat in the kitchen at midnight and they all smoked. I got along with them, I probably could've fit in with them if I had wanted to.
That was the last time I ever spoke to my friend. Afterwards, I found out she'd said a lot of bad shit about me to a mutual. She had been stringing me along basically to laugh about me for the last few months of our friendship. I never confronted her about it. For a while, I was scared to walk around the village she lived in in case I ran into her.
Since then I've had two shitty friends. I'm still in contact with the friend from where I used to live. She's my rock basically. And I'm hers. I've lost a friend recently because he was a rape apologist. Right now I have five real friends. Three of them have pretty bad mental health issues. Two of them live in different countries to me.
Today, my toxic ex-friend's mum died. My dad found out via facebook. I want to be sad for her but I'm really not. I'm not glad either, no matter how much she hurt me I know she doesn't deserve to go through that. It's been four and a half years and I've only just let myself acknowledge how toxic she actually was. I guess my point is that yeah, friendships can hurt just as much, if not more than, romantic relationships.
I'm going to university in September. I'll be in shared living, which my sister had bad experiences with, and I'm really scared I wont be able to make friends. I'm worried it'll be like it was last time I moved, even though I'm older and I know myself better. Maybe I'll get some therapy one day. Until then, I'll just share on youtube videos.
I wish you the best of luck making friends at university. Im sure you've already heard the advice of putting yourself out there and joining groups and such. But what people often ignore when telling people that is just how hard that can be, especially when you've been burned before. Be considerate of yourself. If its hard and your worried thats okay. Im not saying let yourself be paralyzed by it, just dont be too hard on yourself.
Been through that over the past year with my HS ex best friend.
Over the past decade since we left school it was forever me reaching out and making plans, patching up. Then last year I went through some emotional stuff which is out of character, she is normally the emotional ones with something constantly going on, and the one time I could have done with her support she wasn't there. I got left on read. I said to myself that this time wasn't going to be reaching out again. Then add in different lives happening and dealing with the pandemic last year in different ways.
We haven't spoken since June properly and messages since August when I was left on read. I can now look back on our friendship and realise that I was the one constantly reconnecting and maybe in retrospect holding onto the memories rather than moving forward. I no longer would know what to say, other than polite words, if we were to meet in the street. It's also a relief on my behalf not feeling like I was having to babysit her emotionally and be careful of what I was saying etc. It's okay to move on and have new people in your life especially with high school friendships where it was easier for them to connect and flourish. 👍
It's great that you can look back and feel in peace about your friendship now. Yes, sometimes we have to move on. Take care ;)
Yes! Friendship break ups need to be normalized more. They're healthy and also sad. Fully agree.
I went through some tough Best Friend breakups in secondary school. It took me a while to realize they were more of a bully than a best friend. It made me feel jaded for the longest time because of how toxic it was and question my relationship with everyone. Now I don't have 'besties', just close friends, which suits me just fine. But yeah, friendship breakups suck
Yeah, I had three friends in primary. Two of them came out as world class jerks. Recently went through a really hard friendship breakup and am rewatching this because of this.
There were more negatives than positives in our social circle to having her around, but it messed me up a lot because I've spent years running around spending much of my free time desperately trying to keep the group together bc over the years, at least one other best friend has always really liked her. I'm a tangle bc she was a bad thing, but it's forced me to come to terms with all the shit that happened, but there was also good stuff.
I've also been having really weird dreams where she's either really nice, that makes me doubt my choices, or really really at her worst which makes me think, well she can't have been that bad
I literally just ended a 7 1/2 year relationship because the person needs to please everyone. Decided to hang out with a group of people who were all talking badly about me. After I did nothing wrong and they did were the ones that tore a group I spend 8 months building (online gaming community). The best part is he was the one that told me they were talking crap about me. So, I ended up breaking up with someone who was a best friend because I don't need people in my life that will hang out with people that spread awful rumors about me in a community I've been a part of for 17 years. Also, for my mental health. Its only been a week but I'm still grieving.
10 years ago when I first moved to the city I live in now, I made this friend who ended up being my BEST friend. I don't think I've ever been so close to someone who wasn't a romantic partner, and it was awesome. We had a great friendship for a few years, but eventually things started turning sour. I won't go into all the details, but it got to a point where things were really toxic and they were doing and saying things that were really harmful. like saying things about me behind my back or cancelling plans last minute. They had migrated over to a new group of friends and started pushing me out of their life, which was really hurtful, but one day we had this EXPLOSIVE fight and that was it. We didn't talk for about two years, and one day they reached out and wanted to try and repair our friendship. I gave them a chance, but things were so different between us and it just didn't work out so we "broke up" as friends for good.
Looking back now, I know it was the best thing for me that this friendship ended. There was so much toxicity at the end and I was often feeling used and unappreciated. But I also really miss them. It's not THEM so much that I miss, but the friendship we had when things were good. It's been about 5 or so years since we spoke, but I still think back fondly on the good times and get sad that it all ended. People sometimes don't get the difference. But it's totally valid to mourn a past friendship, even if you are better off without them.
About 2 years ago I decided to break up with one of my best friends for 10 years after she kept insisting that I could not be Ace without having had sex and kept pushing me to keep identifying as Bi.
I stopped all contact with her (and the rest of the group, since she was the leader and someone breaking it off with her meant the others wouldn't talk to you anymore) once I realized how toxic it was for me to keep meeting with her.
I was friends with a "best" friend for 21 years. I felt like my heart was being ripped out. We had grown apart and now that I think about it I realize she was never a good friend of mine. I never thought about a life without her in it.
I've had some friendship break ups... actually I was dumb and didn't know that was called ghosting...😂😂 but I'm really glad I am still with the nugget I first met in kindergarten ♥️....it's been 15 years now.....
YES! Friendship breakups are 100% a thing🙏
I have been on both ends of this, breaking up with someone and being broken up with. I only have one friend from school now because all my other friends are now ex friends. But yes, it hurts and it's super sad, either side you are on.
In seventh grade I had a best friend and at the end of the year she transferred to a six-year highschool (it's a concept we have here). She cut all contact with me then I was really really hurt. Like I still think about her quite often. It's also the one thing that makes me question whether I'm aromantic or not, cause it's been such a long time to figure out whether I was in love with her or she was just a best friend.
This video was super nice to see because I realised I might need to break up with some friends too and having your feelings recognised over such a matter feels great
I had one friend breakup that hit me very hard, but totally respect it because I was not in a good place to be a good friend at the time. Still wonder how they're doing from time to time and hoping they're keeping well. But yea, if a friend is a drain on your energy/spoons then it's worth examining if they need to be low-doses friends or if you're better off without them in your life, like that person was better off without me in theirs. It hurts, and it's sad, but some friends are not forever. I really enjoyed your take on this, Shaaba, you're very kind!
I had a best friend for years. When we went to high school she told the school that she absolutely didn't want to end up in the same class as me. It took me completely by surprise. Many many years later at a grade school reunion I asked her why she did that. She couldn't explain it she just didn't feel our friendship any more . Which is fine I just wish it hadn't happened like that. The rejection of that still affects me today. I'm always scared of my friends not actually liking me. I have severe fomo with anything they organise together
My best friend of 25 years
(still my bestfriend today) went through a period where we didn't talk at all for a few years over some trivial shit...we reconciled
thank you. I really needed this rn, thats's good to know it's not bad to stop being friends or cut off toxic friendships
One particular friendship breakup happened in such a horrible way that it left me with trauma. This is very validating.
I had a friend who legit wrote a breakup email to me last summer (during COVID!!) because she felt I couldn't support her during her growth (and she couldn't support me during my struggles). Although it was a clean break, it was what ended a huge fight/communication breakdown and in many ways I feel like I still don't have closure because of how she wrote that email. I'm mostly over it (thank you therapy!) but I still get sad when I think about her because we used to talk constantly.
Just losing contact with people/naturally growing apart has been a lot easier to deal with but that one was extremely hurtful.
Thank you for talking about it and trying to help others communicate better
I'm sorry for you :/ It's great that therapy helps you, I hope that with time, you will feel better about it. Take care of yourself !
@@CoryBranlafatt Thank you! Take care of yourself too!
I needed to hear this. My BEST friend ghosted me 2 years ago out of nowhere and I havent gotten to see or talk to them since. It has hurt me as much if not more than a romantic breakup and I dont feel like I can talk about it. I appreciate this
I’ve only gone through one really permanent friendship break up. She was actually my ex girlfriend but still best friend for years after we broke up mutually. But over the years she became a massive hypochondriac, was very toxic and I’m not exaggerating when I say anytime I hung out with her for any reason, within a couple of days she would need a favor. Yet anytime I needed something (which I rarely ever asked for) she was never there for me. A few years after we stopped talking I ran into her outside my work waiting for the bus so I gave her a ride and we talked and she said she didn’t blame me for doing what I did and said she had changed her life for the better. I was skeptical but she still had my Number so I said maybe we could grab coffee. Less than a week later she texted asking for a ride to bring some stuff to her dads house. Nothing at all had changed.
Right now I have a weird situation with another friend that I want to end, but she’s really unstable in her mental health and I don’t want to send her into some sort of spiral. But she’s the kind of person who just fades in and out of your life so my plan at this point is to just not let her fade back in.
So what you need to do for your mental well-being! It can be scary and painful but life is too short to make yourself miserable.
My once best friend and I started to drift apart because she became a TERF. I tried to stay friends to try to I guess "de-radicalise" her, but she was doing the same to me lmao. All our interactions were just really negative and turned into fights and I just had to cut her off. It's been nearly a year and I still miss her, and who she was before she fell into the TERF hole.
The timing of this video is kind of amazing... a couple weeks ago i had to officially break up with someone who i considered a best friend for the last 5 years. I got completely ghosted, with no idea why, and i can only hope it was for their own well being and personal growth, but it didn't give me a closing so i had to one-sidedly breakup through an email... it hurt a lot, and still hurts, and navigating this kind of relationship ending is pretty much nonexistent in our modern society 😔
i know how you feel, i hope it gets better
You literally posted this a day after I had a hard phone call with one of my oldest friends. I had to be honest and tell them that I didn’t feel the best friend chemistry anymore and it ended up being like a weird friend-demotion. Emotions all around T_T Thanks for talking about this
I have a friend that I contemplated ending it with for several years now. Our mutual friend who introduced us broke up with her 18~ years ago.
Normally it would have frizzled out by now but she holds up this relationship because nobody else sticks around.
Glad you let that toxicity out of your life. I had a similar experience. The person I considered my best friend for most of my young life was incredibly abusive. I had no idea, because my family was abusive and made excuses for her. It wasn't until I went to university, made supportive new friends, and they were horrified by my stories of our relationship that I realized what she was doing and saying was not okay.
Friendship breakups hurt longer than a breakup with a boyfriend.
Friendship breakups hurt so much. It’s been 3/4 years and it still hurts 😂 I did the breakup/argument and regretted it for years. We then eventually got back in touch and it was so nice to speak again but it’ll never be how it was, and we don’t talk a lot or often. It’s harder because they have a really close group of friends and I just don’t really have that. Thank you for talking about this!
Great video! I do have a request to anyone thinking about breaking up with a friend tho: please try to talk to them about it and if you can, give them a chance to choose to work on it, especially if you know they're in a tough place. Being ghosted for no reason (that you know of) just hurts tbh, especially if you still care about the people
I had a big blowout friendship breakup (3 people at once) 4 years ago and it took me 3 years to not have panic attacks when I would go to the place where one of them works and 3 years to not cry after I would see any of them out and about and I still cry because I miss one of them even now. Thank you for making this because it really is a big problem and I'm glad you spoke about it, it made me feel better 😊
The worst thing is because I have this friend who I have been friends with *literally* since we were 3 years old, and honestly I think I'm only friends with them because of all the memories and how long we've been together, but I came to the conclusion yeeeaaars ago that they are extremely toxic, they are childish, we had a falling out the other day, but we're back together (but my other friend is like ghosting them until they apologise, which I don't even think is going to happen) and honestly I think I'm just friends with them now for career opportunities... and I feel like that's awful....
I had to end my relationship with my best friend of 20 years. I learn she was not such a nice person and talked about me behind my back. She's been out of my life fir 3 years now. When out friendship was over, all of the drama in my life ended.
I went through a big friendship breakup this March and it's taken me a long time to let go, at least partially, of all that pain and sadness. I know I made the right choice because they broke my trust but it's still hard, cuz I thought we'd always be by each other's side and stuff. Thanks for this video
I really needed to hear this. Thank you. I'm also making my wedding guest list and it brings home the fact that people I thought would be there, no longer will be. Including my "best friend" who I had to block for racially abusing me. Friendship breakups are devastating. Thank you for highlighting this and validating my life right now.
Forever thankful that I still have my best friend who I met at 4
As someone who has been friendship broke-up with (an 8 year long friendship), be sure to give the person reasons why you're ending it. So that way they won't sit there for years being hurt and wondering what they did wrong, so they can move in a direction to improve themselves for future friendships/relationships. But, if they were really shitty to you, you don't owe them an explanation, they probably know they were shitty.
I had a "friend" who would snap at me for literally anything and she once screamed at me in front of other friends, resulting in my crying. My other friends were so shocked that I just took it and accepted that thats the way friendships work.... in the end I cut her off cold turkey. It was so difficult, I felt like such a bad person. But it was definitely important to do
I’ve had a key friendship breakdown every year sometime multiple times and it’s truly a heartbreak that people aren’t comfortable hearing about
I went through that when my ex friend divorced her husband. It was so awkward because she literally convinced me to be apart of their family and text them and hangout with them at their family functions. They helped me in though times too but at the end my friend was like stay away from them. I felt divided because the family genuinely cared about my family since I had only my mum and little one. I just stayed away from everyone altogether. I didn't want to cause problems. I miss everyone but respect my ex friend's wishes. The only reason we aren't friends now is because she wanted my brother and low key became shady. You can date after divorcing but focus on your children first. I felt so bad for their kids.
i couldn't watch this video a week ago when it came out, cause i was currently going through something that was leading to a friendship breakup, and it just hit too close to home. after two weeks of buildup the dam sorta broke the day this was uploaded. a week removed from the situation, it still hurts, but i managed to watch the video, and i just wanted to say thank you. it was really validating to hear someone say it's okay to be broken up over losing a friendship
This is definitely totally a real thing. My last year in university my best friend from high school made it abundantly clear that they had no interest in respecting our mutual commitments and/or my time. It was horrible. It was garbage. I still know that cutting that person out of my life was the right thing for my mental health. And yet, I still feel sad about it.
I needed this video about one year ago, it could have saved me the last few very painful months of a major friendship break up. I was very fortunate to have a very supportive close friend beside me during it, but boy oh boy was it a tough week to live through. This did help validate that I was right to have ended that friendship.
Its my second time watching and its made me think of it less in the abstract and enjoying the humor in the video and instead Im thinking of my own experiences. Ive cut off about four people in my life and been on the side of being cut off by a few as well. But I feel like there is one experience I should share where it wasnt a friendship breakup but could Have been. I have a friend who was one of my favorite people. Best of friends, talk every day, and all of that. Things were great, until they werent. It reached a point where I was emotionally I was supporting and giving and giving and giving but really not getting supported in return, and this had been going on for so long that I stopped expecting to be. We'd been friends for years and we always had times when one person needed more supporting and it would be given but it always came back around or found a balance one day,. Then one day, I realized it had been almost a year since it was "my turn." I knew it wasnt my friends fualt exactly. She was going through shit. Serious shit and wasnt in a place to give but I wasnt in a place to go on spending so much of my energy when getting nothing back. I seriously considered ending the friendship after a particular event highlighted to me just how bad things had gotten. But instead of a breakup I stepped back and downgraded the friendship. She went from my best friend, my number one person, to someone I am friends with and have alot of history with. New boundaries were drawn and expectations lowered. And it made things better. Our friendship isn't the same and I had to grieve for loosing what we had but its been years and we are still in each others lives. We get to have fun and talk from time to time, sometimes we have those deep chats we used to have and help each other out, and its good. Not a great friendship but still a good one. My life has been better for still having her in it.
I don't think this is a thing that really gets talked about. Most of the time media portrays relationships developing into more over time or just ending and we kind of accept thats how they have to progress. But in the same way a couple can realize they would be better as friends so they redefine the relationship, you can redefine the friendship. You can move someone to a different slot or place in your life. You can be less close with someone without loosing them entirely. Maybe they've changed, you've changed, life's taking you in different places, but you can still see each other sometimes and have fun and thats allowed. They can be that friend you just sometimes get lunch with, or the one you work out with and decidedly dont talk about politics with, or whatever. Just because you were close in the past doesnt mean you cant bring back some distance.
really appreciate this comment. i'm in a similar position right now where i'm connfused where i stand with a (online) friend who i would chat with pretty much everyday and considered one of my best friends -- we would tell each other our deepest concerns or issues and also have the best time just chatting about random interests and laughing at dumb reality shows together. that was, until something really traumatic happened in my family that pretty much kept me off all social media or wanting to engage with others about. i took a few months off without telling or speaking to them which in retrospect i feel a little bad about, because they genuinely were confused and v concerned why i just dropped off the earth. after that time i communicated what a hard time id been having and it was still hard to explain fully what happened, and they understood and told me theyll be there whenever im ready. since then, senior year in college's really been throwing me for a loop and i really havent been accessible really, which i feel worse about since im emotionally in a better place than last time. but when i have reached out, ive started to notice how much they never check in on how im doing or my feelings. i feel like i always have to bring up my problems on my own accord, because when i ask them about theirs thats what takes up about every conversation. and ofc im glad to support her because she's been going through a lot of sh*t, and so i know it could be hard to ask about what i may be up to, but i can never really tell how much she genuinely is curious or concerned about me anymore. ive been a super emotional couple of years but yeah, things have never recovered really and am always second guessing our conversations and friendship...i love and care about her deeply, but its so so difficult for me to verbalize how i feel like my time and emotions arent also being thought of. even when i try to keep things lighthearted and fun, making jokes and we're just talking about interests, she doesnt reciprocate the energy or ask me back and i feel like im trying to force a spark back into something that really is just emotionally draining. im sure a lot of it has to do with me being absent for such long periods of time because of being overwhelmed with life , but i would think they would be more understanding of my situation too. this ended up being soo long and you definitely dont have to read the whole thing and im sorry, but yeah...really just dont know what to do because i really really miss what we had before, but i also dont know how i would address any of this without sounding like im complaining about her needing support yknow? im always prioritizing others' feelings too :(
sorry for all the typos btw (i was typing way too fast)...and for some context we've been close friends since 2015 :/
Becca A im sorry I didn't get to respond to this sooner. Despite my settings being turned on to alert me youtube rarely bothers to let me know people replied. Also, I am a typo queen so no need to apologize.
Im sorry the relationship isn't what it was and Im sorry you aren't getting what you feel your giving. The only advise I have is even if it feels awkward bring up what your feeling and give them the chance to do better before calling an end to it. Sometimes if you are honest and explain people will do better or they agree and you both come to an understanding that its time for it to end. Better closure all around.
@@khaxjc1 thank you so much for your reply. yes, they've been running through my head a lot and everytime i keep my distance from them/don't message i feel guilty because i do genuinely miss her and want to know what she's been up or ask how life has been (since she was dealing with some tough stuff last time i talked) but i also feel so unprepared to dive into that conversation. i feel like there's so much to catch up on in both our lives, i don't know how to bring it up without making her sound like selfish or something. but i suppose i do probably just owe our relationship and conversations more time too, so that we don't just catch up about the big traumatic events in our lives and can also talk about these other things. we used to message each other and chat casually everyday and i miss that a lot, everything just seemed to flow so much more naturally
@@khaxjc1 also i'm sorry about the inconsistent pronouns lol -- i tried to make it more anonymous by saying "they" but now i've started using "she" anyways. also just to say again -- i appreciate you reading my comment and your advice so much!! can't believe i wrote so much haha
your feelings are valid 💜
I broke up with a friend last year after she was vehemently anti-mask and made some very VERY selfish statements related to the pandemic. And she KNEW my grandma had just died from COVID-19. Soooooo, I cut her out of my life right then and there after our 26 year friendship (our dads are best friends, so we've been friends our whole lives).
Sometimes I do miss her, but I miss the old her. Honestly, her views had been diverging from mine for a while, so I guess the pandemic was just the straw that broke the camel's back.
Actually, I broke up with two friends because of the pandemic last year... But the other was a lot more messy and bothers me a lot less that he's gone, sooooo let's just not talk about that ex-friend.
THANK YOU for talking about this! I really wish that this would be normalized.
I recently ended a friendship that went on for way too long. I felt so bad about it and I still feel guilty and weird. But it also feels good to choose what's best for you and to no longer feel obligated to hang out with someone.
I clicked on this video so fast. As and Aro Ace this matters SO much! And no one talks about it! Thank you.
I think friendship breakups are harder than partner breakups because we have this understanding that partners come and go, but we also have an idea that FRIENDS ARE 4EVER. Which, the older I get, I realize is crap. 🙄
Thank you for talking about this. ♥️
I had this happen recently. I was betrayed by a friend; a best friend. When I wanted to talk about the issue they turned it around and made me out to be the bad guy. Then called me emotionally immature for feeling betrayed. They didn't agree that loyal friends were a thing. We had a fundamental difference on our definition of friendship. This video helped me. It made me feel more normal and validated in feeling what I felt. More validated knowing I'm not crazy and that this is a normal part of life. Thank you so much for this video
I almost never break up a friendship, like I'm a 100% that extrovert with 40 besties... But the ones I've had were horrible, like from "oh they're not following me on my socials and avoid going to the same spots as me" kinda stab to the utterly terrible "you're bi? *Homophobic shit*"
I think the best friendship break I've seen was my best friend with my ex. He sat down with her and talk through about all the things he had been keeping inside. And then he desired her the bestest of luck.
One friendship breakup... Well technically she moved away without telling me and no one would give me her personal information to contact her so it wasn't really a breakup... Anyway it completely changed me as a human being and this happened when I was 9.
I'm sorry for you :/ Maybe she was young and would do it differently now but I understand the pain. I hope you have better and honnest relationship now. Take care of yourself :)
Same situation happened to me, it’s sad, but it happens
@@CoryBranlafatt Thanks, yeah. Take care of yourself too!
@@jedithekitten8891 it sucks
thank you so much for this video, i have three friends that ive known since fourth grade that also happen to be my only friends. like literally the only people i talk to on a near daily basis besides my family and recently i came out to them as bisexual and turns out... theyre ALL homophobic. i know i shouldnt have toxic behavior like theirs in my life when it comes to who i am as a person but i was also really scared to cut them off since that would mean i have no one. this video really helped me a lot more than you would expect so thanks again, have a great day!
I had a friend when I was a kid who reaaaaally crossed some boundaries (like, *badly* 😬) and I didn't tell anyone about that, but I tried to friend break up with her and I got in a lot of trouble with my parents because she was younger than me. Like I wasn't mean, I just told her I didn't want to be friends or hang out anymore, and I had to apologize to her and my mom kept inviting her over.
The much much more recently I had a roommate who had previously been a friendly acquaintance. I knew she struggled really badly with anxiety to the point where she didn't really socialize. But then she seemed to think that agreeing to be roommates = agreeing to be BFFs with no boundaries. It was really uncomfortable to have someone be emotionally dependent on me, but luckily we'd only agreed to one semester with her as our roommate. But even after she wasn't our roommate, she would still CONSTANTLY try to hang out, so we met with her and explained that her perception of our relationship wasn't accurate or healthy, and that it was better for everyone to go our separate ways. And I felt like an Actual Movie Villain doing it. Friendship breakups ABSOLUTELY should be normal, and the people doing the breaking up should NOT be villainized.
I broke up with a friend a while ago. I sent a message explaining that we couldn't be friend's anymore and answered some questions. Later, I told a mutual friend about the break up and he asked how I felt about it. I responded with "relieved" and he asked, "Not guilty?" I was so angry that he thought I should feel guilt for making a healthy decision for myself.
So important! I've had a couple of friendship breakups of various kinds.
A part of me still mourns the end of my very first friendship - the one time in my life I was what dating people seem to call "ghosted" (I myself am aro-ace). It was the neighbours' boy, we went to kindergarten and first year or school together, spent all our time together - and then I moved away, to a different country. Our families stayed in touch, however - and whenever we did see each other, we just clicked (even during the years when most kids stick with friends of their own gender). When we were 18, we even decided to go on vacation to Venice, just the two of us, and it was beautiful. So picture my astonishment when a couple years later he stopped contacting me. I didn't actively notice until my birthday passed without a message, something that had never happened before - just a year earlier he'd sent me a lovely pair of earrings. I knew he'd gotten into his first serious relationship, and that his girlfriend had some issues with him being close friends with another girl, so to this day I assume that was the reason. But I'll never know, and while I realise this means he wasn't as good a friend as I thought (or he would never have behaved like this), I think a part of me will always miss him, even 20 years later...
Oh I had a friend who was one of my best friends from elementary school to college... long story short... I realize that she was the most toxic person I’d ever met after I decided the religious college we went to wasn’t for me and that I wanted to go back to a public college... she kept basically saying that that meant I was atheist (not how that works 🙄).... anyway all ended up for the best because I made some great friends who helped me realize I’m asexual panromantic and that was why I was so annoyed every time they talked about how horrible homosexuality was.... sometimes you just need to walk away
I 'brokeup' with my friend from elementary school this past year because she has always talked poorly about us to each other in private but never owned up to it or brought up what ever she was upset about to that person directly and I called her out and asked her to be a better friend to all of us and she decided not to so I said bye for good. It still hurts but I'm glad I stood up for me and our mutual friends still.
I lost 2 best friends, it hurt a lot but I am glad I did it. Although one of them doesn’t believe we aren’t friends anymore 🙄 she effed me over so much and still acts like we’re “besties” when we run into each other
don't need to go through that if you don't have friends like me
I'm not sure I've ever had a friend breakup, but honestly it sounds like it would be handy. At the same time, I feel like the people would be like "what? what do you even mean?" Maybe it's a generational thing, but I've always just ghosted over time.
I actually started to talk to my best friends about this because we all met at uni and are going through friendship break-ups with school friends but it always feels a little awkward when starting the conversation as I fear they might think its about my friendship with them (which it is very much not) :D
There is also a great song by BLÜ EYES called 'break up with a friend' that captures the difficulty of a friendship break-up perfectly! I would definitely recommend it to everyone
As someone who is discovering polyamory, I am learning how close/similar friendships and romantic relationships are and I think it’s really important to realize this even if you are monogamous. Love that you made a video about this!
I broke up with a friend a while ago. And she was my bestie. But it was this complex problem of our mental illnesses were not working together, and they were making it weird how all my issues were something that was inexcusable but I had to be okay with their mental illnesses needed all the forgiveness. I love them, still do. Yet, the final conversation was anytime they brought things up I listened, and they attacked, I apologized, and when I said "This hurt me." they said it was my fault. It was very gaslighting, even if it was by accident. I still needed this. It happened just before covid, so sometime things are a little weird. But thank you
How my friendship breakup happened: I used to have two best friends, but over quarantine I kinda just stopped talking to one of them. She was very controlling, and always tried to make me think that whatever she was doing was right. I matured a lot from my time away from her, got a lot closer to my other best friend who just let me be me, was emotionally quite mature, and supported me no matter what. She even helped my recover from sh! I'm in a better place now, with a lot less friends (4) and I benefitted quite a lot from his experience.