Great video, I’m going through a rough divorce after being married 23 years. 2 months into it and I can’t seem to kick the depression and anxiety. It’s horrible! I’m seeing a therapist but nothing seems to help.
Hi Jeremy, I'm really glad this video helped. I know what a rough place you're in, and I'm sorry to hear that you're going through it. Having a community of people you can relate to can help a lot, as can some specific coaching geared towards taking concrete actions that support your sense of self and identity. If you'd like to join a community of guys going through similar things who are all supporting each other in the process, and/or get some direct coaching and support from me, take a look at this page on my site: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce It outlines a few different ways to get some concrete help that can start to move the needle on depression and anxiety.
The thing about us men is that we believe that 'feelings' and 'emotions' are a weakness. We are so used to disregarding them for most of our lives, that when they become overwhelmingly intense we feel lost and we feel even worse.. we feel 'beaten' and like failures bc of these emotions. I'm here to tell all men out there that we are human. It's ok to have emotions and to feel them. It's perfectly ok to cry. To release the emotions. It cleanses the soul and it HELPS. you are NOT weak because you feel 'defeated' or like a 'failure'. It means that you care. To all my brothers I send you love and strength. Courage includes feeling your 'feelings' and not considering yourself a loser for doing so. In fact it's the opposite. It's not about wallowing or feeling sorry for yourself. It's about acknowledging your humanity in this complex isolating world we live in. It's ok to feel sad and lonely and to feel like you've 'lost' or 'failed'. To live is to strive and fail. So sometimes failure is inevitable. You are important and you are valuable even when it seems like you are anything but. I get this. And so I wish you well on your journey, as painful, heart wrenching and lonely as it may seem. You are not alone. Your fellow brother, who has been through the hellfire.
Is that why my husband has completely blocked me out ?? He wants a divorce. I do not. He apparently grieved our relationship last year before I ever know he felt that way. By the time I found out he was already checked out. My dad died last year and he claims I neglected him. He also has a bit of a gambling problem. If anyone should be leaving anyone it should be me. He chose not to love me anymore and that hurts. He doesn’t understand grief and how i mourned my dad for almost a year. Dad was only 64. Now my STBX completely blocks me out. We love together until the divorce is final. Then I’ll move back with my mom. I can’t seem to figure why he didn’t discuss this before it was to late. Such an awful feeling to want something you once had but have no way of getting it back.
I don't believe my feelings and emotions are weak. I believe no one- especially a significant other cares about them and that they see it as a sign of weakness and scorn them and then reject me over them.
I'm working with a therapist she is amazing, but I'm dealing with constant anxiety and sadness and numbness i feel helpless, overwhelmed, going through divorce right now, not taking any meds as I'm afraid of getting worse
Hi Rachel, what a great video. I just ended a session with a client this afternoon at the tail end of her divorce. I know you primarily work with men, but I just wanted to let you know that I'll be sharing this video with her as I prepare her aftercare email to really help her work through what she's experiencing right now. Thanks so much for posting.
Hi, and thank you! That’s wonderful. I do primarily work with men, but as you know, at the root we all have human brains and bodies and most of what I discuss applies on both sides. Thank you for watching and sharing!
Thanks Cedrick, I appreciate that feedback. The birds here are awesome (though sometimes the neighbors roosters crow and that can get obnoxious!). I'll try to do a few more outdoors in the near future.
18 years of marriage. I keep moving from apartment to apartment. Sometimes I sleep in my car. Sometimes I sleep in my very tiny sailboat. I can't sit still. I walk over 10 miles a day. It's like I'm trying to escape the heartbreak but I can't because I take it with me everywhere I go.
Do you have a decent support system or someone to help you navigate what you're feeling? It's really important to learn to process these emotions effectively, because you're right - they go with you everywhere you go. There are good tools that can help, and having a great therapist on your side can make a world of difference. In my free masterclass I share more in depth tools for handling heartbreak and moving through it instead of getting stuck in it. I think it could help. You can find the video here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
@Rachael Sloan - Relationship Coach I have friends to turn to. Been to the VA several times for counseling. Pretty much just dealing with it. On top of the divorce she has turned my 3 kids against me. Very hard not to be depressed!
@@TimKoehn44 I'm glad you have some support. You're right, it's not easy. It is a lot to deal with and some of it may be too hard to fully accept, especially where your kids are involved. If you're looking for more resources, you might find the tools in my masterclass helpful for working directly with feelings of depression. You can find that here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/optin1671910386839 Another resource that might be helpful is Garry Juhnkin's 100K Fathers program. He supports men who have been alienated from their kids by an ex, and he offers a lot of good tools as well as a community that really gets what you're going through. You can find more info on him here: 100kfathers.com/ Hang in there! It can get better, and you can get through this. I'm sorry that it's been such a painful time.
i read that its something to do with dopamine.. i.e. men get more less of a dopamine release from the sex 'process', whilst women release more oxytocin. So in the aftermath, men are literally addicted to their former flame. she was the source of dopamine. i could be way off but it made a bit of sense as to why men have more trouble getting over these relations than women.
When you do not want the divorce and it’s forced on you what do you expect for someone to do. I am still trying to get back with my wife, but now we are divorcing!
Allow it to happen, you really can't force her. I feel your pain. Maybe the time apart will actually heal both of you. Divorce is a very traumatic event. Hope you have a lot of support from family and friends.
@@Guaicoboi I do not have any support from family or friends. They tell me to move on and find someone else! I have been with my wife for 27 years, you just don’t go and find someone else!
@@kevinlandrum37 I am so sorry to hear this. I am not sure if you're Christian believer, but having faith in, and a relationship with Christ will see you through, in the very difficult places. I also don't have family support either and it is my family rejection which resulted in my marriage ending. it is the word of God and a relationship with Christ that saw me thus far in my Journey. You're right, you just don't find someone, relationship are very difficult to start as it is an investment in time and trust, which is difficult after betrayal.
@@kevinlandrum37 I'm so sorry that you're in this position. You're right, after 27 years you can't just drop someone and replace them. At the same time, I agree with @guaicoboi, you also can't force her to reconcile, unfortunately. Are you familiar with Steve Horsmon's programs? He helps men save their marriages when their wives are committed to divorce (I think one of his programs is even called "Diffusing the Divorce Bomb"). You might find his work helpful - goodguys2greatmen.com/
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I know I have to go on and live my life and continue to work on myself. I am going to have to start dating at some point in my life. I do not feel like I am there yet, but I am getting close. I do not know if I will, but I know I can. I just hope I do not feel like I am cheating on her, because I never did or thought about cheating
Great video, I’m going through a rough divorce after being married 23 years. 2 months into it and I can’t seem to kick the depression and anxiety. It’s horrible! I’m seeing a therapist but nothing seems to help.
Hi Jeremy, I'm really glad this video helped. I know what a rough place you're in, and I'm sorry to hear that you're going through it. Having a community of people you can relate to can help a lot, as can some specific coaching geared towards taking concrete actions that support your sense of self and identity. If you'd like to join a community of guys going through similar things who are all supporting each other in the process, and/or get some direct coaching and support from me, take a look at this page on my site: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce
It outlines a few different ways to get some concrete help that can start to move the needle on depression and anxiety.
Hi Jeremy im in a very similar situation, length of marriage, how are you doing now? Im still struggling severe depression
The thing about us men is that we believe that 'feelings' and 'emotions' are a weakness. We are so used to disregarding them for most of our lives, that when they become overwhelmingly intense we feel lost and we feel even worse.. we feel 'beaten' and like failures bc of these emotions. I'm here to tell all men out there that we are human. It's ok to have emotions and to feel them. It's perfectly ok to cry. To release the emotions. It cleanses the soul and it HELPS. you are NOT weak because you feel 'defeated' or like a 'failure'. It means that you care. To all my brothers I send you love and strength.
Courage includes feeling your 'feelings' and not considering yourself a loser for doing so. In fact it's the opposite. It's not about wallowing or feeling sorry for yourself. It's about acknowledging your humanity in this complex isolating world we live in. It's ok to feel sad and lonely and to feel like you've 'lost' or 'failed'. To live is to strive and fail. So sometimes failure is inevitable. You are important and you are valuable even when it seems like you are anything but. I get this. And so I wish you well on your journey, as painful, heart wrenching and lonely as it may seem. You are not alone.
Your fellow brother, who has been through the hellfire.
Is that why my husband has completely blocked me out ?? He wants a divorce. I do not. He apparently grieved our relationship last year before I ever know he felt that way.
By the time I found out he was already checked out. My dad died last year and he claims I neglected him.
He also has a bit of a gambling problem. If anyone should be leaving anyone it should be me.
He chose not to love me anymore and that hurts. He doesn’t understand grief and how i mourned my dad for almost a year. Dad was only 64.
Now my STBX completely blocks me out. We love together until the divorce is final. Then I’ll move back with my mom.
I can’t seem to figure why he didn’t discuss this before it was to late. Such an awful feeling to want something you once had but have no way of getting it back.
I don't believe my feelings and emotions are weak. I believe no one- especially a significant other cares about them and that they see it as a sign of weakness and scorn them and then reject me over them.
I'm working with a therapist she is amazing, but I'm dealing with constant anxiety and sadness and numbness i feel helpless, overwhelmed, going through divorce right now, not taking any meds as I'm afraid of getting worse
Hi Rachel, what a great video. I just ended a session with a client this afternoon at the tail end of her divorce. I know you primarily work with men, but I just wanted to let you know that I'll be sharing this video with her as I prepare her aftercare email to really help her work through what she's experiencing right now. Thanks so much for posting.
Hi, and thank you! That’s wonderful. I do primarily work with men, but as you know, at the root we all have human brains and bodies and most of what I discuss applies on both sides. Thank you for watching and sharing!
Please do more videos outside. The birds sounds are really relaxing, with your calming words.
Thanks Cedrick, I appreciate that feedback. The birds here are awesome (though sometimes the neighbors roosters crow and that can get obnoxious!). I'll try to do a few more outdoors in the near future.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach LoL yeah rooster crowing is the opposite of relaxing Thanks.
You should do some videos for women too. I’m in so much pain. Worst feeling ever.
18 years of marriage. I keep moving from apartment to apartment. Sometimes I sleep in my car. Sometimes I sleep in my very tiny sailboat. I can't sit still. I walk over 10 miles a day. It's like I'm trying to escape the heartbreak but I can't because I take it with me everywhere I go.
Do you have a decent support system or someone to help you navigate what you're feeling?
It's really important to learn to process these emotions effectively, because you're right - they go with you everywhere you go. There are good tools that can help, and having a great therapist on your side can make a world of difference.
In my free masterclass I share more in depth tools for handling heartbreak and moving through it instead of getting stuck in it. I think it could help. You can find the video here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
im going through this right now. I started to take Zoloft yesterday.
Hi Ney, I'm really sorry to hear that, but I'm glad that you're getting support. Are you working with a therapist or counselor as well?
Thank you. It's been very hard!
Hi Timothy, you're welcome, I'm really glad this video was helpful. Do you have a good support system as you go through all of this?
@Rachael Sloan - Relationship Coach I have friends to turn to. Been to the VA several times for counseling. Pretty much just dealing with it. On top of the divorce she has turned my 3 kids against me. Very hard not to be depressed!
@@TimKoehn44 I'm glad you have some support. You're right, it's not easy. It is a lot to deal with and some of it may be too hard to fully accept, especially where your kids are involved.
If you're looking for more resources, you might find the tools in my masterclass helpful for working directly with feelings of depression. You can find that here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/optin1671910386839
Another resource that might be helpful is Garry Juhnkin's 100K Fathers program. He supports men who have been alienated from their kids by an ex, and he offers a lot of good tools as well as a community that really gets what you're going through. You can find more info on him here: 100kfathers.com/
Hang in there! It can get better, and you can get through this. I'm sorry that it's been such a painful time.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you Rachael. I will look into that. Much appreciated!
i read that its something to do with dopamine.. i.e. men get more less of a dopamine release from the sex 'process', whilst women release more oxytocin. So in the aftermath, men are literally addicted to their former flame. she was the source of dopamine. i could be way off but it made a bit of sense as to why men have more trouble getting over these relations than women.
Well you have no choice. You have to move on. If your spouse is done then it's over. You have to force yourself to move on.
Have you found yourself able to do so? If so, what has helped the most?
When you do not want the divorce and it’s forced on you what do you expect for someone to do. I am still trying to get back with my wife, but now we are divorcing!
Allow it to happen, you really can't force her. I feel your pain. Maybe the time apart will actually heal both of you. Divorce is a very traumatic event. Hope you have a lot of support from family and friends.
@@Guaicoboi I do not have any support from family or friends. They tell me to move on and find someone else! I have been with my wife for 27 years, you just don’t go and find someone else!
@@kevinlandrum37 I am so sorry to hear this. I am not sure if you're Christian believer, but having faith in, and a relationship with Christ will see you through, in the very difficult places. I also don't have family support either and it is my family rejection which resulted in my marriage ending. it is the word of God and a relationship with Christ that saw me thus far in my Journey.
You're right, you just don't find someone, relationship are very difficult to start as it is an investment in time and trust, which is difficult after betrayal.
@@kevinlandrum37 I'm so sorry that you're in this position. You're right, after 27 years you can't just drop someone and replace them. At the same time, I agree with @guaicoboi, you also can't force her to reconcile, unfortunately.
Are you familiar with Steve Horsmon's programs? He helps men save their marriages when their wives are committed to divorce (I think one of his programs is even called "Diffusing the Divorce Bomb"). You might find his work helpful - goodguys2greatmen.com/
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I know I have to go on and live my life and continue to work on myself. I am going to have to start dating at some point in my life. I do not feel like I am there yet, but I am getting close. I do not know if I will, but I know I can. I just hope I do not feel like I am cheating on her, because I never did or thought about cheating
Thank you
You're welcome, I'm glad you're here and finding resources.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I'm grateful for you and the help I'm getting for my healing.
I don't care how much she's studied men she's not one and therefore will understand us.