Criticism when you've had a bad childhood
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- Опубліковано 16 кві 2018
- Being criticised is never pleasant - but when you've also suffered an unsupportive childhood, it cuts especially deep. In order to bolster our capacity to withstand attacks, we need to unpick the legacy of unhelpful nurture in our early years.
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FURTHER READING
“Criticism is never easy. To learn that others judge us to be foolish, perverse, ugly or unpleasant is one of the most challenging aspects of any life. However, the impact of criticism is hugely variable - and depends ultimately on a rather unexpected detail: what sort of childhood we have had. The clue to whether criticism will be experienced as merely unpleasant or wholly catastrophic lies in what happened to us many decades ago in the hands of our earliest caregivers…”
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I was taught to be invisible, now I get criticised for being shy LOL
"I was taught to be invisible" damn I feel that
Me2 and I love it now bc I'm still ok they are not
Same gurl same
Same.. I'm 34 now and it's like unlearning all of that.
Same!
If I could say one thing to my 15 year old self - I'm 63 - it would be: "It's not your fault".
Good luck on your journey.
Thanks for this
♥️
That's so simple, yet so deep.
I'm so glad that you've started your healing journey. It's so brave to do.
My father is your age, and I can see how scared he is of facing things that hurted him, to feel better, so he lives in denial. I believe it's very hard and hurting for that generation, and that they carry many prejudices and roles that doesn't let them access to their true self.
That's why I'm celebrating you, through this comment, for you bravery and self-love.
In my language I like to say "¡Éxitos!" more than "Good luck", because you don't need luck. You've already almost succeeded.
I send you a big hug!
😞
My parents criticised practically everyone who crossed their path. It was exhausting and uncomfortable. I made a conscience decision not to criticise my son and he has become the person I should have been. He can handle criticism and has high self-esteem. A happy and thriving individual.
this comment made me cry.
you’re an amazing mother 💕💕
Same. And my son is going to flourish :-) he's so kind and empathetic. And same, he can handle criticism bc he knows he has at least one person that has his back in private. He just lets it roll off his shoulders. Its like a second chance.
Same. I just do the opposite of everything my parents did and it works great.
Sometimes when my son and I are talking I think, "Wow. It would be amazing to have this kind and patient man who will give you all the attention you need and share the lessons he's learned."
@AnnaB• Wow! You've achieved more than what any amount of wealth can give. Congrats from India.
I specifically remember crying my eyes out while sitting on my bed thinking my mom wasn’t my actual mom because I thought my real mom wouldn’t treat me so bad
Aww that‘s so sad, I have tears in my eyes right now. I‘ve never thought of it that way but I was treated badly by my mother too so this hit home :( I never understood why other parents treated their children so lovingly while my mother used to be so mean. Of course I thought it‘s my fault (which is basically what she told me, too).
Same. About my dad.
Same here ,even i thought it was my fault 😔😔
I'm just glad I'm not alone with this
Wow! I’m so sorry. I felt the same. I imagined my real mom would some day come get me.
Parents are not the only ones who make a childhood difficult. Other children can destroy a child's self worth and confidence and teachers or caregivers too.
G Mac exactly and it leaves deep psychological scars
For over a decade I had recurring dreams that I was back in primary school being mentally tortured by my teachers. Being betrayed by a supposed authority figure at such a young age leaves damage.
That is so true
Parents are responsible for being aware and strategising against exposure to these things
I'm going after my primary school teacher. Whole world deserve to know that teacher gave out answers in our national exam.
"The chief marker of being a good parent is that the child has zero interest in being liked by a large number of strangers."
deep.
Yes very
True
Or hated.
That's not true, I have zero interest in being liked by a large number of strangers and I had a pretty bad childhood. That's like saying anyone that looks for success had terrible parents, and all the lazy ass who have done nothing extraordinary have had wonderful childhoods, and that's not at all the case.
@@poetaenlaluna I kind of agree with you here. Children who grow up not caring whether large groups of people like them, means they have finally given up on themselves after being made to feel unloved and unworthy by their parents.
The silent parent can be just as damaging
A silent parent can be nowhere near as damaging as an abusive one, it's a crazy comparison.
Quite agree.
Its a lot more than verbal silence. It could be a neglectful cold outlook
Covert narcissist
The subtle narcissists are the worst. The child abused by them will never get the validation from the world, they will never see that they were abused so they continue to hate themselves while the child who was abused by parents in the sense that is considered "socially validated abuse" will have the opportunity to get better.
I always knew I never wanted kids because I’ve always been afraid I’d subconsciously mistreat them the same way my parents always denounced me.
Same here. It has been the best decision.
Frankly same, and this was only amplified by the failure I've had at treating my cats with the love and respect they deserve. It's especially challenging to explain to those with higher self-esteem, since it hits them more like just a sentence than a nuke.
The same here. I chose to remain a bachelor for exactly the same reason. Because I knew that I would almost certainly pass on the same curse to my prospective child(ren) and cripple them like myself.
Never related to something so much
Same
**takes a deep breath**
Repeat after me: I'm not defined by my childhood. I wasn't the one in charge, so it's not my fault. There's nothing wrong with me.
Elianna M
unless you did it on purpose.
Noah Hartman hahah! Funny!
"Some wrong with you" Just a smear term. If there's absolutely nothing wrong with you then you are a perfect individual. Sorry, only Gods are perfect. Been working on putting it all in perspective for 30 years now with good progress. Virtually every young person's view of their personal social reality is basically a fantasy and it takes a lot of work taking yourself to task as well as a good bit of study, still working on it at 61 and now my quality of life is better than I imagined it could be. Better to have lots of things right about yourself than to pretend there's nothing wrong with yourself.
Kenneth Schaaf I respect your opinion, when I said "there's nothing wrong with you" I had this in mind: many people who have experienced trauma during childhood, tend to think there's something wrong with them and take the blame for situations they're not responsible of. I didn't mean "you're perfect", I meant "you're not defined by bad childhood". Also many people victimize themselves and justify their actions by thinking "I had a bad childhood". Well, it's not an excuse, because again, you're a whole person. You're in control now and capable of taking good or bad decisions.
agreed! no one’s not at fault if they’ve had a bad childhood, though it is true that it does affect their emotional state in the later years, but it absolutely doesn’t define anyone
"By having 1 person who loves you growing up, you don't feel as much of a need to be loved by the world."
very well said.
Wow....thanku
It's not what other people say or think about you that counts It's how it affects you! When somebody says something negative about you, it's due to their own insecurities or jealousy. Let it in one ear and out the other. Dump these people and only hang out with people who are constructive and positive. People who are secure in their own skin and don't need to insult or make negative comments on other people in order to hide and cover up their failings in life!
@T L I have not and never will. It is not possible for me and I kinda do not care anymore. These past 10 years I am really rellying emotionally on myself. I have benn through hell because of the people in my life and circumstances I have attracted as a result of it and only I am comforting myself. Everyone is busy with their own shit and they do not care about stranger. Most likely I get criticism for my avoidant nature. But I really do not want to hang out with people anymore. I am just too tired to pretend I am a happy person. Everyone can go fuck himself. It is true everyone thinks his problems are the biggest. But my are kind of the worst. The last point would be if I ended on the street. Oherwise I pretty much have NOTHING in my life. The worst thing is, i think my body wants to live a loooooooot longer than my soul..sorry if this was too depressing (i have kind of learned to apologize to people when expressing my thoughts)...
@T L thank you for your response. For some reason I did not see it. I do hope you will find someone who will truly love you and give you a strength to live. My will to die is getting bigger all the time. I wish you to never lose hope.
Chris P I wish I could have been loved by one parent in my childhood.
To my unborn child , İ promise to give you the life İ never had and make you feel proud .
I happy you made this promise. I have the same promise to my child.
Maybe your child will not want the life you never had. I hope you can give your child the life they want. Ask about and listen to their needs and build a life that matches them.
Ready to break the cycle ✨🥰
Hmmm. Joan Crawford said the same thing to her daughter Christina and that ended in travesty!! Please take some parenting classes first and read books about parenting and child growth and development. If you are prepared for the reality of parenthood and educated about what to expect along the way, it will make you and your child happier with a better relationship, but as ancali said, "I hope you can give your child the life THEY want," many parents are unwilling to do so.
I discovered you may have all good expectations in the life you want to offer to your child but the surroundings and relatives impact negatively and the whole dream collapses.
"DO I DESERVE TO EXIST?" triggered multiple times
Yes it did
Честнок Yea. Other’s can ask that of me as a prompt and I’m baffled. Asking myself - just as baffled. I get asked a lot (from my spouse and therapist/s....) “What do you want?”, “How are you working to change?”, etc... honestly, those thoughts are so foreign to me - because the question “Do I deserve to exist” is alien. I’m clueless about whether I love myself, but thankfully I love and value so much of what is beautiful in the world and beyond .
I still haven't managed to answer this question. I read and I study and I learn all about the personality and Jung and psychology but I still don't get it. I mean I want to live but it begs the question of why does any life matter? does my own one matter to me for selfish reasons and if that's so then why can't other people also be allowed that same thing because if I want it for me then I must defend it for others. Not sure if I'm exactly answering this but essentially it doesn't seem to be self evident. Is it self evident for other people?
@@55Nyad
You may be looking in the wrong place. What you’re asking is both philosophical and spiritual, not psychological. The answer must come from an overarching authority rather than a fellow human-otherwise it’s circular reasoning and wishful thinking as you’ve discovered.
As a Christian, I can tell you that you exist because God created you both to love him and others and to be loved by him and others. Your life matters objectively because 1. God determined that it matters to him. 2. He traded his life for your eternal happiness. 3. You’re made in God’s image and given the resources and abilities to do amazing things for your enjoyment and the benefit of others. And none of those three facts can be changed. Even if you don’t believe any of that, it might be worth looking into.
ЧЕСТНОК
That sounds serious what you guys are going through. Remember that these emotions are only there to help you, and yes even though reminding you that of the bad times, but they are only meant to help you by wanting you to avoid those situations at all cost. Emotions aren’t our enemies, just the opposite, they are infact us and they are valid and they are meant to be look at. Because the only way to *fix yourself/heal yourself is to go inside of these emotions and figure out what happened/causing them*. I’m in the midst of experiencing spiritual journey/self healing/self love journey and I’ve learned that by finding a quiet place/alone place to myself, I was able to heal myself effectively using that exact method. Good luck/ and I wish peace to all ✌️
My childhood was not good, it could have been worse. My family are very critical and mocking. Something absurd is that now they say that I have low self-esteem, it's almost funny.
Sounds familiar; I had a boyfriend who criticized my appearance and so I spent more time in the bathroom time trying to 'fix myself up' for him and then he called me vain.
Same
DIANA MARISOL ZETINA same mine my mother judged everything watched film complains of actor too fat or short comment comment commwnt
DIANA MARISOL ZETINA - It’s the same with me. My parents always did everything for me, treated me like I couldn’t do anything for myself, and shamed me for any mistakes I made. Now that I’m an adult, I’m being criticized because I don’t have any self-confidence and I’m scared to do things on my own. HMMM I WONDER WHERE I GOT IT FROM?!
Mouse Trap Same with me! And the worst part is that I easily slip into the victim mentality, as I often don’t know what to do about that deep fear and lack of self confidence. I hate it, honestly...
I was 6 when I witnessed my father beat my mother, that wasn’t the only time it happened, it would continue until I turned 11. The abuse then began on my older brother, seeing my little brother almost get ran over by the person who was supposed to protect us. I woke up to my mom waking us up in the middle of the night because my dad was outside pouring gasoline around the house. I never got the proper therapy for all of the abuse I witnessed. I suffered a lot in middle school with self harm, losing my self worth and never leaving my bed. My mom didn’t think much of it and she wasn’t well either. I was forced to go to therapy but they would tell me that if I had suicidal thoughts they would send me to the hospital and I didn’t want that so I lied a lot and didn’t get any help. I am now 18 and I think it’s time to finally get help.
Oh my God that's awful. Im so sorry you went through that. I'm glad you are ready to get help. I hope you can heal.
Gosh..... There is help for you, and yes you absolutely deserve to go and get it. Awful that you had to go through that.... I really hope you will find the ways that it made you stronger and will grow stronger in the future. However those strengths manifest and feel to you. Good luck!
you're really, really brave and you deserve the help you need. good luck
OMG, Hon. 💓💓💓💓💓
My heart goes out to you... what terrible things to have witnessed, have in your childhood...that sort of thing triggers your nervous system to get stuck fight/flight/freeze.
To realize you need help, at age 18, is incredible. Most people don’t connect the dots and instead inflict damage on their children, not realizing the toxicity of unresolved trauma...
I hope for you healing, and hope... that you can find some safety and beauty in the world. 🌸
“Do I deserve to exist?” “Do I deserve love?” “Do I deserve stability?” It’s nice to get to the root of these dark questions. Thank you.
Looks money intelligence was everything to my parents and people i come in contact with I am now 40 but look amazingly slim and blonde.. I was brought up to believe i wasn't wanted had to find someone male that would provide for my needs even though he was a cheating evil lunatic like my father. Family still criticise me today and ex partners for not finding the one to marry that loves me that there must be something wrong with me. I am attractive intelligent work hard but not in psychology work cos of covid and very low self esteem. Truth is im loving myself and hit back at those that hate me going on holiday or put me down for not taking their insults about myself. I deserve way more. Even have parents some ex partners that compare me to other women how much younger they are or more beautiful or happy couples. I try and be strong but it affects me where I rip myself apart for this. I am currently falling for an ex partner that says he loves me and wants to help after 13 years of raising his 3 kids alone and my kids love him and happy we might get back together. Im struggling to believe trust after several breakups. But im putting myself first see what happens. This video puts things in perspective. Thankyoux
God created you with a purpose and has a plan only you can fulfill for Him.
Absolutely yes, in case you didn’t know 💕💕
How yo get to the root if those questions
@sumtang2502 - Through introspection, self-discovrry, gaining insight into what things impacted you most in your upbringing and what you can change. A therapist can help you navigate, through *Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT),* and moreso, *Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT)* - a combination of _CBT, mindfulness meditation, distress tolerance_ and _emotion regulation skills,_ and interpersonal effectiveness (communication skills). You also might want to explore your "attachment style," which is based on the type of emotional attachment you have to each parent/primary caregiver, depending on _how they treated you_ in *early childhood.*
The four types are *secure, anxious-preoccupied, avoidant-dismissive,* and *disorganized,* they can impact your relationships and behaviour, until you learn about it and make efforts to change it, hopefully to "secure attachment."
Mine is "anxious-preoccupied," though I'm fortunate to have had _unconditional love_ from my _gentle, supportive mother._ My *hyper-critical* and *abusive* _father_ was the one who screwed me up. I have C-PTSD still.
Whenever I read a ''How to raise a confident child'' post on the internet, it feels like they visited my house for the ''DON'T" part.
I'm sorry
OMG. It sounds bad but this made me LOL so much..... :) I hope that you are OK, though.
@@denfolo5224 Thanks !
The only eyes that looked at me was my dog that gave me the great compassion I have today.
No one has ever loved me the way my dog does. She gives me a lick on the face when I’m sad. She knows.
My Father couldn't get that our dog liked me
dogs are beautiful creatures
Dogs are lovely
Good on you for noticing that the dog loved you. I hope you can now see that others like you and some love you and others respect you etc.
When you regularly get criticised it knocks the confidence out of you, a bit of praise when deserved goes a long way.
Agreed! Having low social capital and self-esteem, whether from a bad childhood or adulthood or both has a huge knock on effect
I totally agree! I work with kids and I always hear parents criticizing every little thing their kids do. It breaks my heart. I do my best to point out when I notice that the child is doing something well. But others take it too far and praise a child like “oh you’re doing such a good job sitting there and doing nothing.” I hate that, too. It’s just condescending.
IT WAS THAT HARD MOOOMMMM?????
True statement , when your childhood days come across melancholy, awful,contemptuous agony, it's very difficult to discard this feeling in your life like me ,it's still chiefly influenced your relish days
But eventually you're too far gone into the mockery and all praise seems like a condescending lie
I have often wondered how civilization has gotten as far as it has when there are so many "wounded" people raising the next generation of wounded people.
Wounded people have a tendency to try hard in their efforts to be respected through career. Unhappy people gets a lot done.
Now we know why there are so many wars, and much corruption!
@@CarlosMercadoINIGTDY Yes, trying to avoid criticism or being shunned.
Disconnected culture. Disconnected from each other but most importantly disconnected from ourselves...
"Wounded people raising the next generation of wounded people" lol well said
The school of life is like the good father I never had
isn't nice to find a huge father in a nice tiny little packet of electrons and pixels... aaaah.. solves everything innit
And the mother, for that matter 😏
My family was well off. But I never felt loved or appreciated. No one believed me when I was miserable and suicidal at the age of 8. I still feel unworthy of love, and feel invisible now at the age of 26 despite being loved and managing to 'succeed' in life. Future parents should take this video as a valuable lesson. It's way easier to raise a healthy child than fix a broken adult.
Bathna33 feel u, dude
Makes you think if its a times-are-changing thing
It’s sad how easy it is to destroy a child’s sense of self... The human spirit can’t be broken so easily. I encourage anyone with brokenness to (privately and personally) seek the Creator of life...to understand one’s true value. Any being or force can be destructive...but what kind of being is the creative force?...Capable of love... Seek the Truth. It can be found. Use your internal sense of knowing to guide you. This life is between you and your Maker. There is a great freedom in that, I believe.
I find that many, many people are the product of a daycare/nanny upbringing. As long as people see colorful toys, hear monotonous and cheap sounding platitudes, they sign up sonny boy for relentless days of struggling to get the attention of anyone within an arm's length of him. The empty look on these children break my heart. When I hear those mothers claiming what an advanced education tiny Tim is getting, I want to scream in their faces that little ones simply want YOU.
@@trishfitzpatrick2066 But if you tell them they are wrong they will go for you! You should go back to work as soon as possible, children need to learn to be independent, it is good for them....
Oh my goodness if this isn't me in a nutshell. People like you are out there. I'm sorry you had it so hard. I sympathize with you and wish the very best for your future, wherever you are.
This video helps to explain how Marilyn Monroe can be loved by millions, and yet so depressed.
And not just Marilyn. How many other celebrities today are actually trying to capture the love they feel they were denied as a child?
Damn... My earliest memories are that of abuse. Physical and psychological. I ran away from home twice, first at 11, but wasn't successful. 2nd at 17, this time with better planning. Its amazing how parents believe they are gods during a child's early stages, then play the victim when they are old.
I'm glad you broke free of them, and made your own life on your terms.
@@wholeshebang1 Thanks.
"You cannot love someone else until you learn to accept yourself. You cannot accept yourself until you're loved by somebody else."
Actually, you can nurture that little child in yourself back to love s/he should have been given at the beginning. I remember the very moment in my early adulthood when someone else than my parents was trying to bring me down. I started thinking: "OK, you're right. [Using your criteria] I mean nothing, but I AM, and you cannot take it away from me. And because I am, I deserve to live." I discovered then my inner sense of dignity that is independent of all the life obstacles.
I don’t agree with that. There are plenty of people who having loving relationships and they still don’t love themselves.
I do not agree with that. we can accept ourselves without getting loved by somebody else. if somebody else means somebody else including us, then yes you are right. we can truly try to accept us and love ourselves without getting loved. getting loved by somebody is not necessary.
so if somebody look for getting loved by somebody else bc you just want to accept yourself or feel failed bc you never get loved, it s okay. look back and try to love yourself first before you go look for someone. you can do this without any experience getting loved.
@@euniiiiiiS2 That quote is actually lyrics from a song and I think the second phrase implies love from family and friends as well.
If you grow up where not a single person in your life cared, that makes it pretty hard to accept/love yourself.
@@brendenpischke6060 ouh i didnt consider "friends". I understand. But I more likely to believe that without anyone else, people should learn how to love and accpet themselve. It s possible that they are all alone when they grow up.
I was treated like dirt as a child and made to feel worthless and ugly by almost everyone who knew me. It was not until age 19 that someone very wise and compassionate made me realise that there was no such thing as not good enough. It was not until I was in my 40’s that another wise and compassionate person told me that self belief was essential before I expected others to believe in me. And I was in my 50’s before I learned that self esteem comes from self awareness.
Today? I no longer think of myself as worthless. I make an effort with my appearance, but if I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, then so be it, they have a right to their opinion. I know who I am, and if people choose to think otherwise, I leave it to them without worrying about trying to win them over. Most days I am the best me I can be, if I have lapses into less than exemplary behaviour I am aware of what triggers it and how to overcome it. A childhood of abuse and neglect can never be completely overcome, but you can have a life of two halves if the right types of people nurture you in adulthood. I hope this has been the case with anyone else on this thread who may have suffered in a similar way. 😊
Bravo
Thank you!
Thank you for sharing this beautiful message. It made me teary eyed. I am 33 and been through a very abusive childhood and teenages. Over the last few years, I have worked on my inner self a lot and learned to manage my emotions and feelings. However, there are days when I feel like I am back to sqaure one especially when it comes to my self esteem. Your message gave me a lot of strength and hope so thank you for that 😊🙏🏼❤️
Jawad Qaisrani -you’re welcome. I shared my personal observation in the hopes that others can relate. Remember there is no such thing as not good enough. All the very best to you.
Rona Topaz Thank you so much for your kind words and a prompt response. It means a lot to me and you made my day. Sending you lots of love and a hug. May you stay safe and may you shine always ✨✨✨
A childhood filled with years of hateful criticism from two siblings has had the same affect as if it came from parents. So it isn't just poor parenting. Its exposure to ongoing criticism from people who supposedly should love and morally support you.
mmsandov Oh, yes! I had both. But now I understand that my sister couldn’t give me any better treatment, because she is deeply self-critical because actually, our parents’ criticism has hurt her even more than me. Forgiveness to others and oneself is the key, though it’s not easy and quick.
Really important issue which is often overlooked.I have been shocked at what I have heard some friends and acquaintances suffered from siblings in childhood.
My brother made my life hell and I hated him. not until after he killed himself did I remembered and really realize just how horrible my parents were to him . He was 5 years older but my parents were responsible.
Im the oldest one in my family, i endured a lot growing up from my parents. Is not only now that i realized how mean i was to my brother, me and my sister would pick on him relentlessly. Now he’s depressed and i blame myself a lot for it, I’ve apologized to him and his response was “we were kids, that’s what siblings do” my upbringing has affected my self esteem and knowing that i probably caused someone’s depression makes me feel more like shit.
Amen to that
I'm 72, and still do n pain over my childhood...even with therapy. Don't remember my parents speaking a kind word to me. Only time spoken to was in criticism or to humiliate.
Dear you may try an active approach by studying and applying the works of Louise Hay, Joe Dispenza and buddhist meditation. You can break the cycle & find perfect happiness at any age. Wish you the best 💞
Sending love. 💗
I’m sorry. And I know how you feel. You sound like a very wonderful person. I bet you’ve done many wonderful things in your life and have much to contribute.
Well this is terrible news for me, I’m 24 and I had hope it would go away
My parents had always highest expectacions from me from the beggining, i usually failed them and they taught me to be ashamed for my failures, yet here i am at 29 struggling to get anything done in my life or find a job, get a girlfriend becouse of the fear of failure.
What are you making failure mean about you? Failure is a part of life, im learning that. I listen to Julia Kristina here on yt and she talks a lot about that. I have bad anxiety, because of fearing failure, however she talks about not letting failure define you. Failure just means you need to attempt something in a different way, or it just wasn't the right fit. It doesn't mean you're bad, or worthless. And furthermore if you cultivate a love for yourself, know that you will be there for yourself even if you do fail. Take a chance
This resonates with me so much
@@babyboo7322 Resonated with me too...but I saw that they expected a lot and didn't put in matching efforts, didn't sacrifice on their part anything, so to hell with their expectations.
Try some hypnosis,theres loads on youtube ,if you play it every night for a few weeks I reckon you'll see a change,I use them and they've helped me a lot
Cannot relate enough 😭😭😭
I'm 50 and *still* have self hatred just under the surface. My mom wanted a daughter who was a perfect homecoming queen cheerleader and I was a chubby dork (until the anorexia hit then I was a skeletal dork.) It stemmed from her bad childhood so it's just a messy cycle.
If I had a dollar every time my mom said, "Why can't you be more like her?" I could buy you all a new car.
Thank God my dad is a lovely gem. He has balanced some of this out.
I think a bad mother is worse than a bad father. A mother's your refuge and shelter, and she should love you totally and unconditionally. If she doesn't... Be well, Smith.
@@greggrobinson5116 Bad parents are bad parents in general.
Well, you sound like a lovely person. Not a dork at all!❤
My Mother was similar, she wanted me to be outgoing and friendly, she compared me and my sisters to more outgoing and gregarious girls in our dance classes. While at the same time she put us down and crushed any confidence we would have needed to be that gregarious, confident, and outgoing girl she wanted us to be. Even then I wanted to say to her, “That’s not how it works, you don’t get to have it both ways. You either get to crush my spirit and have a shy sad daughter with low self esteem, or you build up my ego and tell me I’m capable of being anything I want to be, and risk being jealous of me.” Because that’s what I think it boiled down to was that my mom was jealous of me and my siblings. She had a tough childhood (oh we never stopped hearing about what a terrible childhood she had, even to this day whenever I’ve tried to talk to her about my “stuff” she brings up HER tough childhood) so I know it stems from her own low self esteem. But it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.
@@WonderfulWorldofAwesomeness indeed, sometimes mothers are jealous of their daughters and want to bring them down! I'm sorry you had to go through this
who else relates and feels like shit
Go check on those African children, not the ones in glorified charity commercials, the ones being beheaded.
Here✋
Om my yes, this is almost creepily real. I LIVED by "Do I deserve to exist?" for years.
Feeling like shit and acknowledging is the first step
I'm going to see a psychologist soon. Until that time I will just try to improve myself and see the positive aspects of life 💪
Walk away from the people who do not value you and love you unconditionally, be kind to yourself and others.
@AnotherWacko I agree that the phrase 'unconditional love' is very overused and can be dangerous. It's good to not love people who mistreat you or want to be near them, for example. But there are healthy and unhealthy conditions. A healthy condition might be something like 'I won't love someone who hits me or makes fun of me'. An unhealthy condition though might be something like 'I won't love you if you ever disagree with me'.
I tried walk away by being self employed. But i am constantly rejected due to shitty economy and companies unwilling to hire new people, so i am forced to live with my abusive parents.
If bad economy is not something I can control yet dictates an adult's happiness and ability to self sustain, what makes an adult any less vulnerable than a child that relies on his parents?
What makes an adult have more freedom than a child, other than having the physical capability to join a gang or black market for good money, instead of doing law abiding but shitty paying work?
AnotherWacko Therapy dont mean anything when the world turns the other direction. External factors are important and anyone who said otherwise either are ignorant (willingly or not) or unbelievably narcissistic.
That’s B.S. You cannot just walk away from your parents and not have a lot of anxiety and consternation, etc. It’s not natural. Also, the Bible says to honor your parents.
@AnotherWacko I love my son unconditionally.
It wasn't my parents that damaged me.
It was school.
I had both. Being bullied at home and school both wasn't fun.
Trey50Daniel same abusive household and schools do destroy u I’m 13 but I’m a bit eccentric and weird and have a different DRum this why no one likes me in my home or school my mother has hit me multiple times that ihave lost count of for giving my opinion or even talking abt my interests even at school I do all my group projects alone and literally everyone bullies me it’s not easy but self love is key since I have learned to love myself life is better and believe me it’s a hole u can get out of with self love because ur beautiful all of us are beautiful but we shouldn’t need anyone to tell us we’re beautiful we need ourselves to tell us we’re beautiful
I was looking for this comment. Teachers used to pick on my insecurities. Threw my file on the ground if one page was out of order. I had no friends.
@@justice898 don't let them beat you
Just wait till you see what you'll become 👐
@@justice898I, too, was abused at home and bullied badly at school. Now at age 29, I am suffering from low self esteem, anxiety, etc. It has affected my relationships, ability to work, and my quality of life in general.
You are STEPS ahead of a lot of people your age in this kind of situation. I love that you know yourself enough to put your self love first. Keep up the good work! No matter how hard it gets just keep pushing on! Don't do what I did. You will be so thankful when you get to my age 😊
These parents are called narcissistic parents. That's why most of us here can relate as we have them in our lives.
Both of my parents are narcissists. Obviously, me and my brother who are both grown ups, are ALWAYS the ones who are wrong. It's NEVER them. Literally NEVER! They often bring us down, but they don't see it. They don't admit it. They don't support us most of the time, don't encourage us, want to change us, mock our hobbies and interests, play sheeps that are being attacked by wolves (my brother and I). They simply reverse every situation to their favour. How good is it to be a parent....you're always right...
My father in a nutshell. As much as I try, moving past the pain I've internalized is the hardest thing in the world.
Samsara It takes a long time. But never give up on loving yourself, and becoming your own best friend. At least start with really liking yourself, and not caring to much about anyone who doesn’t. Having hobbies or a job that you like to do and know you’re good at, helps with self esteem. At least it has helped me. Above all ...Be kind, and gentle with yourself. I pray that you learn to enjoy yourself too, on your healing journey.
My mother.
Yes most definitely!
I've often said, I didn't have a mother, I had a critic! It wasn't her fault, I look back now and I believe she had some sort of personality disorder, which, had she been born today, would have been picked up. This video did resonate with me as I don't take critisism well, and I'm deeply sensitive, but no. I am certainly not mentally ill. Emotional pain is not an illness, it's an injury. I'm just still limping!!
It is called narcissistic personality disorder please look it up on any social media, we have a growing amount of victims
DITTO,
U are smart and brave. XO.
Look up malignant narcissist.
Thanks for sharing.
I’m in a similar predicament. Thank God my dad is around to put everything in check.
The problem is the critics (not to say we are perfect). They are usually bitter and have their own issues, so project them on a child. They also enjoy going on about their supposed “martyrdom” and victimization narratives.
It’s not the child’s fault 9/10.
Peace.
In the next 3 years or less I won’t be hear, so that God.
I come from a fairly kind and loving family. I spent most of my time with my mother because she was at home more than my father was. I love her dearly but she did do something that would go on to effect me for a long time. When I was a toddler, I would cry quite often about trivial things that ultimately didn't matter. Instead of explaining it to me, she would instead blow me off or get annoyed with me and told me that I was being over-sensitive. One day I grew tired of this and told myself to never cry and so I had a hard time expressing myself and my negative emotions. When I was older and reaching my teen years, she told me that I was putting too much weight on myself and that it was okay to be upset and even cry. This angered me because I found it contradictory to what I was taught up to that point.
Lack of communication frustrates _any_ relationship.
Have you ever tried to guess what goes on in your mom's head to act that weird?
Maybe she was wrong and wanted to correct herself, but didn't apologize.
Maybe she's learning to respect you now that you're older (because single-digit kids seem more problematic at times).
Consider empathizing with her. Not necessarily to agree, but to understand.
That's understandable, mate, and I'm sorry for you, that your mother would blow up at you. Regardless of reason, people should know better than to treat a child (or anyone, really) too harshly, to overstep boundaries and be aggressive, is what I think.
My personal experience was different, yet similar, if you want to know it. As a child, there was never much interest in what I did, or how I did things. Importance was placed on getting good grades and obeying, while the rest was forgettable. I grew up to become more introverted and spend hours on the internet, and in later years wasn't allowed much freedom or to visit friends. In highschool, it all suddenly changed to absurd interest in "treating well" and seeing how I was, encouraging to go out, etc. It annoyed me to no end, such disparity in behavior. Arguments happened often, same as it was with my other siblings, when they were my age. A common theme with my mother. I learned to avoid contact with her even more, and noticed her hypocritical behavior. Over time, escaped the grasp she had over me by acting pitiful and manipulating my emotions, and now, after a big fight last year, I ignore her almost entirely. Didn't have much presence from my father, only saw him once per month or so until around 10, and then twice or so. He did teach me some important things, but there was never emotional connection from my side... He was too separate.
@@greatwavefan397 understanding and empathizing, though, would not undo past harm nor change the wrong choices made by the mother. The damage would still be there, it'd just be a possibility for closure and conversation.
It's also a point that it was her responsibility in the first place to raise her child properly, and she failed at the emotional aspect of it, which one could debate to be most important, alongside food and shelter, as it can cause psychological harm, and affect one's whole life from then on. Besides, not apologizing or acknowledging the past is already a big problem, as she's not accepting responsibility for what was done before.
@@SenhorAlien while it may be true that understanding why their mom treated them the way she did won't wash away the pain and suffering they've experienced, understanding why she did and said the things she did (which were often unintentionally cruel and harmful) is helpful for combatting negative self-talk. Maybe mom was tired from working all day and seeing her kid cry put a drain on an already exhausted woman, so she told them to "suck it up buttercup" because that's what she had been told as a kid, and children are considered over-emotional and overdramatic anyways. It was the wrong call, and it wasn't the above person's fault at all, it was entirely about their mom's own unhealed trauma. They're not really over-emotional, and any voice in their head that continues to tell them to suck it up is also incorrect. They struggle to cry because they learned that crying doesn't garner comfort, there's no healing to be found in it, but if they can allow themselves to cry and tell their inner voice that "mom was tired from working all day when she said that, and gave bad advice that grandma had given her as a child as well thoughtlessly," they can secretly give themselves permission to cry. Mom or Dad or Gran or Whoever is still in the wrong for hurting their kid like that in the first place no matter the reason, but understanding that the person who hurt you was using flawed logic makes it easier to heal from the trauma rather than staying angry and further than that, staying hurt. I entirely see what you mean though, but I don't believe the above comment was trying to give their mom a "get out of jail free" card, but more trying to help this person along on their mental health journey, as you too are trying to do! I hope you as well heal from the things that hurt you when you needed comfort, and that you have a good day sometime soon ^u^
Dad ignored my creative endeavours but several good teachers filled that void
A good teacher can change your life. Especially if one's parents are infantile or narcissistic. The Latin and history and physics teacher were distant...but they saved my life, I became a successful student and later a serious but gentle teacher, I think.It saved the lives of some kids, including my own.
Now I'm a good grandpa for my grandchildren, i think, and so do they.I know how not to do it.
I wouldn’t have found my passion without a good teacher
@@silvercheetah92 Same.
I’m 16 and going to counseling soon over my abusive and traumatic childhood. I have suicidal thoughts heavily and am trying to get past it and fix myself and be a normal child. This gave me hope and reassurance to be okay. Thanks guys
Very best of luck.
Moox q use your body to fix your mind... u cannot solve a problem at the level it was created try dancing or bioenergetics/ barking / jumping up and down and expressing yourself
While you are still young you can get help, money and justice from the state. Just an advise.
Well done for seeking help so early on! Good luck
I wish you the very best of luck!
Criticism turned me into an angry person.
Indeed, mate.
Aye
Aye
Criticism turned me into an overcritical and bitter person to myself and to other.
This is so true. My parents always heavily criticised me. It made me more determined to succeed, which I did in business, but I've had relationship problems. It all makes sense now.
Same here. I have a strong successful career, but relationships have suffered greatly.
Well my parents taught me that nobody is going to love you not even us you're on your own 🥺
They taught you what they were taught. You don't have to agree, you know better 💞 You may try to study and apply the works of Louise Hay, Joe Dispenza and buddhist meditation. You can break the cycle & find perfect happiness at any age. Wish you the best 💞
Same.
I'm crying because it perfectly explained how I feel
Me too
You aren't alone. I cried my heart out.
I think most people deserve to be loved. Unfortunately, not all people experience what it is to be loved. My parents were often harsh and overcritical of me in the past and I only gained confidence and self-respect when I met someone who was willing to accept me just for who I was. As a result, the person that I am now is very different from the person that I used to be. And I only wish that all people were lucky enough to experience what it is to be accepted and loved. Most importantly, I think if one finds oneself in an abusive relationship now, one should get out as fast as one can. We can't change our past but we can change our present by not repeating old patterns of behaviour and our old mistakes. I guess, that's what adulthood is about.
You’re lucky! And I wish you the best and I hope that someday I can gain confidence in myself and believe in myself and not be too sensitive and fragile about criticism ... I was emotionally neglected as a child and as I was growing up all the way until I was 23 to mid 24. I’m 25 now and I wish I could change for the better ... I’m way too dysfunctional and always worry about what people think about me...
All of those things I know and I'm not entirely sure that they are behind me forever. But I do try to surround myself with different people now who are supportive to me. And in return I give support to them because everyone requires help and assistance to get through life. We all have different flaws and weaknesses, all people are coping with something. I do hope that you find the strength within yourself to make whatever changes are necessary and find people who support you and who you wish to support. And I truly wish you all the luck as well! And don't mind what people think, there are 7 billion of us and there are many who will be capable of loving and understanding you!
Arya from one former neglected kid to another - it can get easier. Something we weren’t given, was a choice. You now have the choice to incorporate whatever you desire into the magnificent human you are inside. That abuse was awful, but it was never about us.
Blue Makes Movies Beautiful comment!
Blue Makes Movies same here! I still struggle a bit with confidence, but it’s much much better than what used to be. I’m happy for you.
I still subconsciously avoid relationships and friendships due to how much I was scapegoated by my family in childhood. In a way, I deem myself unworthy of love. It will take a long time before I am ready to to be vulnerable.
Like 60 years and counting
You are all WORTHY!❤ Much love to you in 2021.
Totally identify with this feeling.
Same, I just feel like I'm wasting people's time by spending time with them so I rather don't do it at all...
I was always told "You will never amount to anything" those sorts of messages are deeply engrained now, I have really low self esteem.
It becomes who you are and that's what you believe.
@Tiggy Winkle - I had that same message ingrained in me. I'm now 64 & have failed at everything in life. I'm looking forward to an early death .....
Wow. "Do I deserve to exist?" The question that has plagued me for as long as I can remember. For years any sort of criticism was not only unpleasant but shattering. Every part of me was dedicated to hiding the fragility of my being and the darker side of my psyche. I am glad that I've learnt to believe the kind words of friends and have embraced the acceptance of my family. If I hadn't I would not be breathing. Thank you, School of Life for another amazing film. What they said is true, both about the cause and what to do about it, at least in my case.
I think I understand how you feel. Your friend survived an abortion attempt and managed to become an amazing student, and you feel unworthy of your life because you think his life is more impressive. It's not. Please stop comparing your whole self to others. I've been comparing my whole self to others just about my entire life and it's a fight you'll never win. If you feel unworthy of life, you will always emphasize the ways in which other people are better than you. For example, I'm a much better writer and artist than my cousin, but he's naturally superior in sports and mathematics, so I felt inferior to him. I have a lot more freedom and a far greater career than my sister, but she is married and has beautiful children, so I felt inferior to her. I am far more patient and mature than my brother, but he is more attractive and has had a lot more relationships than I have, so I felt inferior to him. If you compare your whole self to anyone, you will find reasons to feel lesser, guaranteed.
You need to learn, as I did, that every person you come across will be better than you in some aspects, and worse than you in others. That's because everyone is living their own lives and focusing their efforts on different things. People are complex. You can never be wholly better or wholly worse than anyone. Figure out what aspects of yourself and your life you want to focus on and pay no heed to the aspects that are unimportant to you. Use comparison as an emotionless tool: If someone is better than you in any aspect you care about, learn from them. If someone is worse than you in any aspect you care about, teach them. Feelings of inferiority and superiority are the toxins of the ego. Get rid of them.
Finally, no one is 'worthy' of life because it isn't a privilege: every living being has a life, by definition. You're no less 'worthy' of life than any tadpole or fish, so instead of worrying about how 'worthy' you are, try living a life that makes it worth the trouble of being alive.
That's a great idea. When I got counselling it really helped me. Good luck buddy.
Jan Hendrik Harmse, what a beautiful, wise soul ❤️
Thank you 😊
Nobody deserves to live, just like nobody has earned the right to have a loving wife or affectionated sons, life is meant to be a gift, we dont have to earn it or deserve it, but just grab it and enjoy it, it could seem quite obvious, but for me it just wasnt, only in this very few months im starting to interiorize this and accept it in my very core, hope you will manage to do it too and soon! Bless you my far friend!
I was just reading up on why I take things far too personally just a few hours ago. Thank you.
GabrielKnightz haha mine was when did I start caring what other people thought to much. Got myself in a bad situation helping my family.
Realizing I don't need love from people who don't appreciate me for who I am and what my goals in life and who do not like or approve of my lifestyle.
danae hernandez Turns out that it's also far too easy to form a callus over the bits that hurt the most. As someone once said
"Be who you are,
and say what you feel.
Those who mind, don't matter.
And those who matter, don't mind"
Read “Scripts people live” its SOOOO helpful!
I’m the same
This explains why i am to sensitive
To things others say. I just need to not take things to serious because of this. It can make you insecure.
"Thinking is difficult. That is why most people judge." *-Carl* *Jung*
This is a part of CPTSD. My mothers ‘love’ was and will always be conditional. Neither parent had any faith or confidence in me.
worse than this is that I parented like my own parents, thinking I had turned out fine. The guilt is unending.
Feeling shame solves nothing. You did the best you could with what you had.
Start today ?
carole james forgive yourself ... and every small step you take to repair your previous choices is worth it...for you and your children xoxoxoxox
You have a chance. Speaking as someone who has fully and totally cut off my mother because she is incapable of even thinking what you wrote.
Call your kid. Email them, tell them hiw you feel and then let them be. Forgiveness will come.
@@kleinemaus6094 I have and i will.
This is so true. Growing up in an alcoholics and mental abusive household is hard. Only way I learned right from wrong was seeing what others did. That’s why I treat everyone so nice. Still really difficult because I have a lot of mental problems.
oneworldpeace1 thanks. I think my sister has been to one before. Not sure if she’s still going or not. I find that therapy and writing things down help. I can just tell I still live my life the same sometimes. Like staying in my room or not speaking up when something’s bothering me. It’s getting better though.
You are a hero! Many people just become as bad or worse than their crappy parents. You chose to look outside their poor example and emulated the good people you've found. I salute you!
Al-Anon has online resources I believe
I had it the same as you 💔 and am like you to. 😊
Rough Divide 💗💫💗
This video gave me flashbacks of beatings I had to endure when I was a kid each time I make a mistake or if I didn't do something good enough.
Me too.I ran away from home for one week when i was just 8 years old,abandoning school because home was like a battlefield.
I slept at people's homes till they found me.I never saw myself growing up to separate from that hostile environment but i thank The Most High that ALL that is history now.
Me too.
Patrick Stare My Mother didn't like me, she told me, and when she got annoyed I was her choice to get a good thrashing, she uses my Sisters riding crop, and I can remember getting under my bed to get away from her. I was around 8 or 9. Fast forward 55 years things remained the same in as much as she tolerated me. She died in 2005 and in my lifetime she never told me she loved me. Some women should not have children, she had four and screwed us all up, my Father was weak and just as responsible as her.
"something good enough"
it would never be good enough
and it never needed to be that good
A adult is a product off its childhood. Sadly many didn’t get a starting chance 💁
I grew up cleaning my own blood off the walls and floors of my house, and had ridiculously high-expectation yet emotionally neglectful parents. My relationship with my family is now more or less healthy, but this video sums up exactly what I've felt my entire life. Most of demons revolve around justifying my own continued existence. Incredible video.
I'm amazed you are still in contact with your family. And I want to hug you!
Hang on, the abuse you suffered sounds overwhelming. There is NOTHING wrong with you, you were dropped in wrong environment. You are enough and deserve LOVE. Every child deserves love, unworthy children don't exist. I hope you will recover this terrible childhood.People need a license to drive a car but anyone is allowed to reproduce
@@SuperLammens well said
💔😶
Can totally relate to the demons being continuously trying to justify my own existence. "Healthy" people take their right to be here for granted. They never have to think about it. This question consumes my entire being 24/7. My dreams are saturated with it. It's exhausting and the only relief that seems possible is death. Life = putting up with this constant struggle indefinitely.
People who treat me with indifference or blank neutrality such as bureaucrats or "Mental Health Workers" project their own arrogance onto me when they see me desperately trying to connect and matter. Pop psychology today has totally conflated trying to matter because your Parents convinced you that you don't with narcissism. The Demon in charge of judging all those idiots believes they all deserve to boil in oil. They don't, obviously, but he is correct in locating the problem. Their heads are up their asses and so need to be pulled out.
dark
is it ok that this video made me cry?
No. Something is wrong with your emotional responses.
A bunch of youtubers is probably not the right audience to judge your emotional response to anything. Despite that, I'll go out on a limb and say that crying can be cathartic, so that would be good; but if your sadness persists and you feel emotionally troubled, you should maybe consider seeking help?
It made me cry too. Everything related to having a bad childhood, a broken home makes me cry. This is weird because I did not have a particularly bad childhood. I wonder why this happens!
Of course. Crying releases toxins, physical and emotional since its all interconnected
Yes
I find both sad and comforting to watch videos like this one. For my parents everything boiled down to getting good grades, for my mother getting tons of degrees -which I have gotten-, finding a good job and making money. But they never taught me what love is or what it meant to them. Honestly, I think they have never had a clue. In fact, sex has always been a complete taboo in my house, something nasty to run away from. I am 45 now, I have a good steady job and I continue to study in order to pursue knowledge, but I feel that I don't deserve anyone's love because I consider myself a weird person with weird interests such as philosophy, classical music, german culture or yoga. Fortunately, internet offers us beautiful and enlightening channels like The School of Life. Thank you very much for saying that I deserve to exist.
One of the most concise,insightful and yet personal posts Ive come across on YT. Thank you for sharing your story. 🙂
My mother was a narcissist and my father was always silent. I know they loved me but I had to learn, to love myself. I still have pain, I am almost 60, but I really do love myself.
Well done. It’s so hard isn’t it
I was physically abused when I little whenever I disobeyed or made a mistake. Now, I get anxiety if I make a mistake or don’t live up to my parents’ expectation. I hate myself often and was always told to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. My parents listen to other people’s criticism and then tell me to change just so other people won’t talk. I feel bad for being the cause of other people’s judgement. So I try to please everyone and give up my own happiness. I get stressed, anxiety attacks, mental breakdowns and depression. But am never able to live up to the expectations. I developed eating disorders and had done a lot of self harm, and feel worthless so often. If I ever distant myself from my family, I feel better about myself. But I can never give up on their criticism because they are still family.
I resonate with that. I think we need to find ways to work on our capability of dealing with them while we are away instead of just doing it for the sake of an escape. if you avoid it far too long, you only end up being haunted by it sometime in the future. As you say, family is family after all. Yes, they've made our lives difficult, but also provided care and comfort, and we continue to desire their affection. Which is not wrong, but work on being able respect, love and care for yourself even in the circumstances they are not pleased with. Power to you
CassandraAveolii Because it is your family you don't have to be friends with them. What does it even mean when one says that "they are family". My brother is 24 and never got away from my parents. I am sooo happy that I have my own flat now. Now I can come home from work etc. and not be afraid to do so. I cried in the arms of my best friend so I would stay the night over and not go home. It is better to let go and only enjoy family when they are less harmfull. Visit once a month, but when you just can't make up with them you just can't. You shouldn't feel forced to make it better WITH them when you've tried before but it doesn't work. Just make it better BY yourself.
I am happy enough with my friends and sometimes let myself help by family but always with harmless distance.
i know how you feel i've been there too....giving up what you like to satisfy a volatile parent,saying yes to everybody so that they like you,break down when you fail to meet a mentor's expectation,tuning to one negative remark despite hundreds of other compliments...not thin enough,your marks are not high enough,your handwriting is not neat enough,you don't work hard enough,you're not popular enough,you're not pretty enoughBLAH BLAH ENOUGH.
you're a lovable human being whose happiness matters. you should be your own priority
I am glad that has worked for you. But your mindset allows you to be mentally distant whereas people who use the word "family is family" I think have a certain association with family members as parts of themselves, as people you desire, which for whatever reason they don't want to or can't let go of just yet. Also, its not just about doing best for yourself, maybe the struggle and the mental discord will teach you more about yourself than a life lived away from a toxic environment. I am from India and no matter how liberated or modern I identify as, the cultural values are still embedded in the way I think. It's a big deal for a lot of women to leave their house prior to marriage and live independently. I want to let go of this family but I know I'm not ready yet, that if I do take that step, somewhere down the line I will regret not trying to work it, or making a choice that is good for me vs not hurting my parent's sentiments.
CassandraAveolii I hope that it works out for you and your family if you try. Family can be the sweetest thing. For me, I have tried everyday and we even tried for years with experts, but my parents are helpless and I can't help them either. Now I can only help myself. Doesn't work 100%. I mean nothing wrong keeping contact, a life without family is impossible. I understand you
"Do i deserve to exist " that hit me hard😒
In my case, grade retention at the age of seven damaged my sense of self-worth. It basically sidelined it completely. In these last years of my long life, I am finally beginning to heal that very early misconception about myself. I still bear the sorrow of a life of lost opportunities, caused by a negative belief system. Reprogramming my inner thoughts is bringing an inner peace I lost in childhood. Wanting to make this final chapter my best is sustaining me. We are born to survive and to thrive. At least I have survived to meet this challenge. The very word 'love' used to leave me cold. Now I offer love to all of us in pain. May we find our healing paths.
My mother had another daughter with my stepfather. And she was the princess and I was the Cinderella. My mother is obsessed with my little sister who is 34 now and im 45 .its always been her she's the most beautiful woman on earth in my mother's eyes! Even at this age if I send a picture of myself she will say you look nice. But if my sister sends a picture is a photo shoot and my mother says omg gorgeous she looks like a model. The damage my mother has done to me growing up was hard cause I thought I wasn't pretty enough but for everyone else I'm beautiful but in my mother's eyes im just ok and my sister is gorgeous. Now that im an adult I tell my children each and one of them how beautiful they are and that they are worthy to me all! I make sure none of my kids feels left behind!
1. Changing the narrative is an excellent idea! I tried it this way:
For example, even if I won the Nobel Prize, my mother would still say that it means nothing and call me a sinner who will burn in hell forever. Well, it is not very kind of her of course, but on the other hand, instead of feeling constantly guilty and inadequate, one can see it this way: Where there is cruelty, there is also clarity for you. Since there is no love to gain, you can feel free to do anything you want with your life.
( I mean you can feel " as free as your subconsciousness allows you to be", which is still something. )
Personally I would find it much harder to deal with a lunatic parent who loves you one day and punishes you the next. In that case you will never be able to properly lose your hope which can be very unfortunate. I have seen in a German documentary that the greatest misfortune of people who are addicted to gambling is having won once! Just once. So they always keep hoping for that one moment of happiness to come back, and they are willing to put everything they have on the table for this. How sad...
So if you have a parent who is impossible to please, all you should do is to accept this fact and give up on that front.
This is an idea that is applicable for our later life too: of course we all do depend on the gaze of others upon us. But we must decide whose opinions about us matter and whose don't.
I only care about critics that come from people who do put the necessary effort to the issue and who do care about the way they express it. This is really fair enough though. Because superficial and rude folks should learn to work on themselves first, before they get to criticise others.
I love this simple quote by Dr. Seuss:
" Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind".
2. If you want to think more about how to change the narrative, there is a book called:
" Redirect, Changing the Stories We Live By" by the social psychologist Timothy D. Wilson.
It also brings to mind what Garcia Marquez says at the beginning of his autobiography " Living to Tell The Tale":
" Life is not what you lived, but what you remember and how you remember it in order to tell it".
If you had a very troubled childhood, a good therapist can help you to remember the past properly and re- tell the true story about your life. From what I have read and heard, there is some hope on that front.
Thanks a lot for this very valuable lesson and for the absolutely wonderful animation!
I’ve had a terrible childhood but that doesn’t define me.
May you and all who've gone through this achieve healing, real peace, and joy
To do this day I don't know how to react to a compliment
When someone compliments me I always assume they're making fun of me
@@radhiadeedou8286 Stop assuming dear 💞
Just say, "Thank you." (even if you don't believe it.)
@@sarvi1483 thanks, after you said to stop assuming I really did and it worked.
I mean, I guess it's not something people think of, that not every compliment is a critic. /s
Same gurl
I didn’t have a good childhood as my parents did not want me and grown up with my grandmother who didn’t know hugs and kisses that she was scared to show love because of so many selfish Uncles & relatives around us. They bullied me a lot and made me feel an incredible inferiority complex in my mind. I was feeling that I am not good enough for anything and I been cursed by them too!
However, as I grown up, I could go some other beautiful places to start my life alone.
I achieved my dream job and finally I was surrounded by so many good people who appreciate and respect me. I felt freedom and my confidence was back. But I was always alone. After 14 years of loneliness, I met a wonderful person and get married !
I had a beautiful relationship and a marriage life. God gave me a beautiful child too.
But , the destiny become again cruel and my beloved soulmate passed away 7 years ago by leaving me alone once again!
This is the life and sometimes I feel like my destiny or my un luck making me fucked up more than my parents now !!
The good thing is I am confident now and
I don’t care other’s malicious opinions about me.
Because I respect and love myself.
Wow, dude. That is heavily admirable. Not many people can suffer what you've suffered and avoid going (ahem, staying) insane. Definitely keep up the good work.
I'm sorry for your loss. I do hope you take your time in the grieving process. And while it may or may not feel the same, I also hope you find another wife to comfort you.
Beautiful ❤️🙏❤️
when you come from love you don't seek it 😊
amazing sentence
Rain G. Pretty sure all of us come from “love” (sex)
Leo Briones I DON'T BELIEVE THAT FOR A MOMENT . . .wishful thinking on your part
Veronica Bilkova Y'Thank you😊
I totally agree with u. Everyone needs love, it's true. But there is a hell lot of difference from where u come from..a place of love or bad parenting! If products of bad parenting don't take the effort to get perspective as shown in the video, they sure will act as a medium of negativity to even people who care for them. It will be hard to let anyone in into their life.
I had the unsupportive childhood and it seems to push me in the opposite directions if anything. I mean, when nobody loves you it just makes more sense to avoid people entirely as much as possible, not look for fame or success in their eyes
if i had to psychoanalyze myself I might say I take that relationship and see it elsewhere, so nobody else looks as supportive either, so theres not much reason to deal with them
That has been my way, too. But it isn't good either.
Yes, the successful loner route. That had been my life since I was very young.
@@apseudonym cryanne! I think we've crossed youtube paths before bc I noticed your name. I have a cat named Mr. Peanutbutter. So much inspiration from one place. I hope you're well, though clearly we're both in here watching "Bad childhood" videos, sooo...
This is spot on. It's almost an explanation of me. I even feel traumatized when I'm not satisfied with my own efforts. It is no easy task to overcome it but I hope that I will one day.
I used to hear my mothers cruel voice when i was stressed. My pleasure is knowing she paid the price in later life.
Whoever came up with the idea for this video, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Never seen a better visual and words to describe how I feel and how I see the world and how my childhood affected me.
I always hated my parents for making fun about my mistakes and weakness and even if it motivates me to fight harder it also makes me more sensible to criticism. It is really depressing but after I think more about that act a person done to hurt me I stop caring so much and start to understand that person have bigger problems than I do.
Thank you for this :)
really helpful
Flurry Heart, the world needs more people like you 💝
lucian baciu same
Flurry Heart love to you ❤️
NAAWW I hate it when people make fun of me ... like HATE IT!
I was never good enough for my dad. He died and never made it right. I fight everyday with the voice inside me that began with him, telling me as he did, all my flaws, what I can’t do, that I’m not worth the time and energy, that I can do all I can, exhaust myself trying to prove I’m worth loving, and never feel like I really am. Parents are so important. Fathers matter. Mothers who put their kids first are everything. I didn’t have that and every part of my life has been impacted as a result. It’s a constant struggle. The self-loathing began in my childhood home
I honestly can't recall any words of wisdom my parents gave me as a child.
OMG I thought I am the only one!!!!!
Or we can just ignore others by becoming reclusive and not subject to criticism which feels like the emotional rejection we experienced as children.
muskndusk, that’s my M.O. I can “do” the world only so long then need to retreat. I’ve spent the majority of my 60 years trying to please and make others happy and I get some residual happiness from it. I’m a caregiver as vocation. In spite of being a kind, compassionate and empathetic person I can only deal with this cruel world for a short time. My family still doesn’t let me forget what a screw up I am, even evil, apparently I wasn’t who/what they wanted. And it’s far too painful to stand up to it.
Ayyyyyy
That’s me on the money...And my family doesn’t understand why I am “existing” and “not living life”...They don’t understand that it is just too stressful for me to be consistently involved with others for too long a time...
ez
no. because that would not allow us to grow. being able to receive feedback and criticism also means growth. if we don’t detach such experiences from childhood, we will never grow.
Wow these animations are very high quality, I need to up my game lol.
I can always count on this channel to provide high quality videos, I think I speak for everyone when I say, Thank you.
Yes.
Yes
Sod off mate...You are probably the most condescending person on the internet."Thank you, speaking for everyone" who the fuck do u think you are sonny?
Zeth Ace why do you care what he thinks lol, get a life.
Actually i never like their animations but this one is marvelous
“Whatever flaws, We deserve to be here”.. thank you so much for saying that
It was so ingrained in me that i'm not worthy of anything, i literally can't function in society now or hold down a job.
It just makes it worse to know that so many people would just call me lazy and condemn me to death.
There's no room in society for those of us that spent all our formative years being taught we're a worthless burden.
In adulthood we're miraculously supposed to be confident and be able to 'sell ourselves' in work interviews, as if our whole sense of self wasn't systemically destroyed in the most important years of development.
In addition to a bad childhood, even recent bad experiences can attribute to taking criticisms too personally.
Bryan Terng true
This hits home😐
thank you for helping me understand why i feel like this... it is really dificult to grow up without parents, feeling less loved and hearing so much critiscim by your caregiver.. so today, any rejection opens up a door to all rejections i had to survive, eventhough i'm very mature and conscious, i cannot avoid that, and get really deep into sadness for some hours... then i remind myself how much i put effort to be alive today, but i always find myself doing whatever i can to avoid another rejection and not be dragged down in such tsunami of pain again. So hearing that this is normal for people like me and that there's a way to do better really helped.
they say "you remain stuck on the childhood phase until you mend your emotional injuries caused by your parents, after that your can grow to full adult
Some people never become fully adult sadly
I feel that.
My autism went neglected throughout my life and I felt forced to confirm to the world around me. That I was forced to jump through hoops or face disaproval. It was to comfirm or to be disaproved.
In the last 5 months I did a lot of soul searching. I went back to therapy because I noticed that there was a hole in my soul. Critism used to strike me very hard. I could not set boundaries. I could not say no.
And then, my first therapist was an absolute incompetent _bitch_ and I left the office shaking. I had no trust in her and I called off future appointments. That was my first major step.
I guess that I should judge people based on where they are at and help them to improve. Instead of expecting them to be somewhere and hold them to possibly unrealistic standards.
I recommend the books from John Bradshaw: "Home Coming - reclaming and healing your inner child." It helps a lot... please read the book guys!
Thanks so much. I was told by my Mother how evil I was pretty much all the time. That's quite apart from all the other abuse she dreamed up over 29 years. She was quite the evil narcissist. Only since finding videos like this am I understanding how that affected me.
Well this explains why I started crying after a lady got mad at me for not packing her bag properly at work today
Love videos like this. Makes you realize you're not alone.
Thank You.
A mean girl called me "ugliest girl in class" in 6th grade. It really hurt. I changed physically. But everytime I hear a compliment about my looks I just hear "ugliest girl in class" in my head. Like a deep scar on my heart....
And as a child I was never good enough for my dad. He never said "I'm proud of you".
Now I'm a young adult with low self esteem because of my childhood experiences. I try my best to move on but it's not easy for me.
The ugliest girl in class would be that girl. A cute girl who say that kind of thing is ugly and ppl will be fed up with her attitude. I've seen it to believe it!
Wow, how painful.
MaleficentMawile., I’m praying for you. I’m sorry you had to experience such sinful behavior. There was a mean girl in my school growing up. I never understood why she was so mean. It isn’t worth repeating the things she did. A child should never have to experience the things she Inflicted onto others. She did it from elementary school all the way through high school. I found out later she died in her early 30’s. I wish no one harm, but if she continued on that path to adulthood, deep inside I’m glad G-D put an end to her inflicting onto other people. You touched my heart... know someone has you in their prayers. 🙏🏼❤️
Although I had a bad childhood, i most definitely believe that I'm entitled to my life
I saw the entire fantasy of a good family gradually crumbling through the course of my life, and only realized there was no going back when it was too late.
My brother beating me up and getting angry at me all the time, my mom screaming at me for the smallest of things, my dad wasting all of our family savings (and dissapearing right after), not being able to make any good friends in school, not getting good grades in school, losing the only person who actually cared about me (my grandma, who i didn't even have a chance to thank her for taking care of me and putting up with my wrongs and my bad side for the longest time...), not being able to get into college nor get a proper job, being forced to do things for my family to compensate for not doing anything valuable.
So yeah, eventually i got tired of life.
Note: Don't worry, i may be depressed, but i'm still trying to do what i can with what i have. Sure life sucks, but having others controlling my life for god knows what is worse than dying. I'd rather go against the world than to put up with this.
Blessings to my husband who receives the brunt of the damage caused by an emotionally neglectful mother and a father who would gaslight me as a child and only love me if he approved of my behavior. I am working as best as I can through all the pain caused by then and others so that I can be the person that I deserve to live with and be the wife that you deserve.
I'm sorry to put you through this, I thank you for you immense patience, and I love you.
-Wifey
I could've written this. You're not alone. Bless the men that love us
Awww, so sweet! I totally understand. I am going through the same thing with my hubby. He loves me through my sexual abuse from my father and spiritual and emotional abuse from my mother. I couldn't ask for a better mate.
Amen !! bless the men that love us !
I've just translated it to polish for my friend it took me 2 hours
That was just a glimpse into the work you have done on this short video
It is truly tremendous
That was quite kind and thoughtful of you
Thank you for this video. I am and will always be a student of The School of Life
Me too. This video is inspiring.
They will go away one day.
I have this urge to cry every time I watch a school of life video
I now understand why my exWife flipped out when I criticized her cooking.
Yeah, it wasn´t about her cooking. It was about everything else she was carrying from childhood.
Reminds me of my first argument with my now husband: he didn‘t like the way I cooked the rice, I was very hurt. It reminded me of when my mother used to scold me for cutting the bread wrong, she ripped the knife out of my hand and when I said: „I can‘t do it any better right now“, she screamed at me: „Well, then you have to LEARN how to do it!“ How am I supposed to learn if you don‘t give me the chance and get angry when I try. The slice wasn‘t even supposed to be for her, it was for me and I couldn‘t care less what it looked like. Now what‘s really funny: today I can cut the nicest slices of bread one can imagine with my expensive-ass knives and one time my mother visited me she cut like the wonkiest slice of bread ever LOL and asked me to cut the rest because I can do it better 🤣
The School of Life is definitely telepathic ♡
Being an employee means being criticised all the time. By bosses, customers, colleagues, and sometimes even myself.
Can I be a fish instead? 🐳
Ai Fan i know right? Can i swim with you?
Mikisaywhat Haha, let's! ♡
count me in too 🐠
Zzz Uuu Haha, the more the merrier ♡
Ai Fan you’ll still be judged, by cats! 😽🤷🏻♀️
This video was very informative. The more criticism you have received in your life, the more you will perceive any comment as being a criticism, even though it's not.
Thank you so much for this video. Half an hour ago I just had a mental breakdown, on this same issue. After that when I opened my UA-cam, I saw this video on my recommendation. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone. :)
You can't stop people criticising you but you can change the way you handle the criticism.
Remember! Those who criticise... It's really about them.
Wow this hit home hard. It is true that I have an overwhelming feeling of needing to conquer myself and rise above my limitations, possibly stemming from a fundamental feeling of not being adequate enough to exist. I’m not sure if I’d say this is the whole reason, but certainly at times, I think this is what is subconsciously playing out in my head when I am striving for success.
I will NEVER let my child experience what I lived through. I'll make sure of it.
The bad thing about being raised by critics when you become an adult the critic thinks that they have a right to still criticize you!.No way will you invade my personal space with your Same old crap.!.
When we were kids my older brother and I stayed outside as much as we could avoiding our parents, out of sight out of mind
I got criticized for being absent minded child and for being myself and they ask why don’t I say how I feel.