My wife was in that state of "I want to go home" plus she was so upset because "how did all my things end up here and how can I move them all back home." So one evening last spring I just said "why don't you just move in here with me, that would be a lot easier than moving all you stuff." She hasn't wanted to go home since. Now it's "I love it here, I don't what to leave. I've never been so happy." Now if all this covid would just clear up out there, we could go out to see family and friends.
What a great solution you had. My mom wants to “go back home to her house she rents now” when she has really been living with me since my dad died 16 yrs ago. My problem is that she thinks all her things are there when of course they’re here in my house. I think I’ll try to see if I can flip your solution to appeal to my mother. Thank you for sharing.
@@carlabarrow977 About that same time my wife was insistent that all her coats were at home, even though I opened the hall closet to show her they are here. So one evening I put all her coats in the car and said ok lets go get them. We went for a long drive in the night, out of the city, through several small towns, out to the main highway and back home. I said it's too late to unload your coats, we'll do it in the morning. Next morning I brought all the coats in and we separated them into summer and winter, We put all her winter coats into suitcases and stored them in the basement. Once in the summer she became worried about her coats, so I took her to the basement and we opened the suitcase and she was ok.
None of the tricks would work with my mother-in-law, the more we try to redirect, the more stubborn and resistant she gets! Plus, she starts the same old conversation/arguments every night. Any suggestions? I have tried all the distractions, coloring, television, etc..nothing works. It is the sme thing everyday. Help!
My Mom would often say " I want to go home" and at first we tell her that she lives here now. Mostly got upset and just didn't understand. She doesn't ask much anymore, but when she does I tell her that I have two more days until my days off, or I can't come today but tomorrow I can. She seems to feel that someone cares about what she wants and says "no problem," when I ask her to stay there just one more day. Of course by the morning she has forgotten all about it. We find that this method keeps her far happier.
I am working in memory care, we have resident that same situation, “please drive me home I will pay your gas or call my mom” other resident always looking for his car, and his car keys. Thank you that I found your vlog and it helps me a lot with our Care staff.
Christmas 2017, Mother flew from SC to CA to be with my family for the holidays. On December 26, she fell in my living room and broke her hip. Dementia was already quite noticeable at this time. After rehabilitation, and for the next 3 years, I was tormented daily by “I just want to go back home” when I knew that couldn’t happen. I’m the only child, there was no one to take care of her in SC. Except for one brief trip to SC for her sister-in-law’s funeral, Mom stayed in CA until she perished three years later. Mom (and I) have completed our journeys with this horrible disease. I pray for all of you struggling with dementia daily. Peace.
We had to put my mother in a memory care facility a few weeks ago. We are reluctant to bring her back to the house she shared with my dad because we're afraid it might trigger her and then she'll refuse to go back to the memory care facility. So we usually just take her out to eat. Also, she has already decided to have a boyfriend in the memory care facility, which is a little awkward when my dad comes to visit. My folks have been married for 62 years. I understand she's not in her right mind and she's just looking to recreate that relationship she's always had. But, it is painful for my dad to see some other guy always hanging around. We went through that "I wanna go home" phase for a while. But, now she seems to be content in the facility. She's made a lot of friends and she has so many people to talk to there and give her attention. That being said, this is the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my entire life.
A real tearjerker. The thing I tell myself every day . . . and my challenges are minor (outside of the entire world falling apart with suppressive rules and regulations) is "be able to experience anything." Tell your father I'm praying for him.
Mother-in-law suffered Dementia for several years before dying, her pleas to go home, seeing things, and, hearing things broke my heart when I could not help her, God rest her Soul...
I am so sorry to hear this. We are wondering how long this phase with my mother-in-law will last, it feels like eternity and she has only lived with us since October of 2021. But we were the only ones helping my father-in-law for about 3 years before moving her with us and our children.
Take them out for a drive, drive through a park stop off and get them a soda, or a milk shake. This worked for my husband the drive relaxed him and he enjoyed the milk shake. Also relaxing for me.
Thank you so much for this video. It's such a relief for me to her someone talking about it. Me and my sister, we are living with our 92 yo mother which has dementia and is virtually unable to perform any task at all. Something that my mom keep repeating over and over and over again, it's this endless "I WANT TO GO HOME". Sometimes it's so unnerving, because me and my sis we are trying to provide all she needs in her home, and, instead of a "thank you" you hear that she wants to go home. I can't say how many times and since how long she is saying that sentence, but believe me, it's something unbelievable. And if you're not paying her attention, she gets progressively more and more aggressive. Unfortunately, we were never able to understand what she actually wants to say with this sentence, she doesn't give us any hint about what she is missing and why. My sister says that she just would like to go back to her "previous life", when she was able to ride a bike, take care of the house, cook, etc... Sometimes it's just so frustrating. What I usually answer her is that I'll go to search a house for me and her, but that it's going to take some time to find one. Sometimes I can trick her, sometimes not. Anyway, your channel seems very interesting and I' m going to watch your other videos here. Bye and greetings from Italy.
Thank you, Dr. Natali. I wish I'd known this two years ago! However, I moved from saying "You are home" to "Which home are you thinking of?" which led to good conversations. I feel better knowing that this doesn't just happen to her/us.
My MIL wanted to go home so after deflecting she didn't go for it and said she would walk home. She asked if the backpack was her bag. I said yes and along with every heavy item near us. Once she noticed it was all to heavy for her to carry I convinced her to wait for her son to get home from work so she wouldn't have to carry it all. She never drove in her life so it made sense to her to get a ride home.
My sister was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia, when she was 64. She suffered with it, for 7 years, and passed away, at The Residence, an assisted living facility, 70. She had round the clock caregivers, at her house in Ridgefield , CT, and the last 3, at the facility, I mentioned. She couldn't walk or talk at the end. I salute the whole medical staff, including caregivers and hospice, for taking such great care of my sister.
Thanks for the insight into what bothers my mother-in-law. What helped us was that I wrote her name on a door to her room. In huge letters, so she now calls it her room (still adds "allegedly")
Those are great suggestions. My dear mother-in-law has a weak spot for a cup of coffee. Also we could tell her that we need to sort her earrings first. She loves that.
I had no idea this was so common until I came across your videos. Thank you so much. You're absolutely saving my sanity right now. I tried your tip about directing the conversation elsewhere which led to a midnight trip to the store for ice cream but it was worth it! He stopped asking to go home once he had his frosty treat.
This was helpful. I hear this daily from my mom (and it's complicated). She's sure she's going back to CA from here at my place in rural AZ, and maybe she is. I don't know, because some of her stepfamily tell her they'll take her back there to an assisted living place - not her old home - when they come to see her at Thanksgiving. She thinks no place is better than CA! They're all working on moving a long ways off, and her old house will be sold. I wish they'd quit helping, it makes it very difficult! But I've been handling it sort of like you describe here, except I have tried to explain. She gets it for a little while, then goes back to the idea of going to CA to a home that doesn't exist anymore. I don't argue with her and tell her no. Her move was recent, so things are still up in the air to her. I've started giving her some calming herbs and that has actually helped. While she still longs for the life she can't go back to, and still forgets and gets confused, she's more peaceful, and not so anxious and agitated about it as she was at first. But Thanksgiving is coming. Sigh.
Thanks for this video. My wife has not exhibited this behavior (yet); but it's great knowing I have a strategy if or when it does. Thanks for your videos. Great, helpful content. Truly you are a blessing👼
Usually later evening, but recently mid afternoon Phil will start looking through the phone book thinking that the person with his same name is himself and that he lives where this phone book person lives. He even sometimes gets up and goes to the door and when I say where are you going? he says "home". I have driven him all around the area so he can tell me which house is his. Thank you for your suggestions, I will certainly try your approach. I also got rid of the phone books.
I'm a private duty Night care taker your videos help me alot with my patient and sweet friend she is going through Alzheimer's/dementia ... The only thing difficult is to help her change her depend or higine on her..get upset
My mom is in assisted living and she alternates between wanting to buy her own home (because she "doesn't belong in an institution and doesn't need help") and coming to live with me (because "putting her in assisted living is a huge betrayal"). I don't know how to apply what you've said to these slightly different situations.
My Mom was put in an assisted living against her will (& tricked into going) by my 2 siblings. Mom has a one story home that she bought several years ago so that she could live out her life at home. (She previously had a 2 story home that she loved.) My Mom does everything for herself in Assisted Living (except they prepare and serve meals, and give meds). She just wants to go home ... has cried day and night for the 6 months she has been there. My siblings took her home and car keys, tricked Mom (a month or two prior to putting her there) into adding my sister's signature on her bank account, won't bring her her mail or bank statements, etc. There is no reason she couldn't live at home except that my siblings don't want her there. When she needed help at home, she had an emergency necklace that summoned help much faster than the Assisted Living. If she needs someone to help with cleaning, she can hire it much less expensively than what Assisted Living is costing. She is angry that her hard-earned money is being spent on things other than what she planned.
@@djondjon Sorry about your situation. How did they get her in there, was she deemed incompetent by a doctor? I read that's the only was to get them in there. Big hug.
@@djondjon That sounds awful. Must be heartbreaking for you to watch and heartbreaking for your mom. I wonder if there's some way to take legal action to remedy this situation. I should have made it clearer that my mom does need assisted living b/c of dementia, and in fact chose this particular place when we visited several, and I even recorded her agreeing to it and saying that she wanted to live there. When she was living alone prior to this, she would have freak-outs multiple times a day. Tried having her live with me but that was a disaster for both of us for many reasons.
@Roma K You can still use the technique of acknowledging how she feels and asking different things about home for conversation. And slowly redirect her thoughts to something else.
@@stars1836 Thank you so much for your response. Would questions like "What kind of a home do you want to live in?" or "What would you like about living in your own place?" be appropriate? I'm worried that questions like that are just going to reinforce the plan of moving. Or maybe I could say something like "I really liked the condo you used to have in Florida - remember that?" Or is that no good because she might not remember? I'm really stuck on this one.
Lately Mom has been saying this is my room isn’t it? I respond with yes it is. Then she asked how long has it been my room? I say over two years now mom. Then just Friday I went into her room and everything is packed up and on her bed. I was exhausted from working all day. So I didn’t handle it exactly the way I should have. Thanks for the advice next time I’ll handle it differently and try to see it from her point of view.
My mom surprised me similarly sometimes. I solved that pretty well by getting rid of her suitcase. I could just see myself having to unpack and put away all those things. Ugh!
Thank you so much, you help me, I am helping my elderly father that’s the caregiver for my mother. It’s important to know what to do through their lens not ours. It’s amazing to go through this illness with someone you love, with any person.
What if my mom keeps saying "I want to go home" in a memory care facility? She keeps insisting that there's nothing wrong with her so why is she being kept here in the facility. How do I deal with that? Please advise.
Thanks very much, but this is mostly regarding people who are still mobile. How do we treat bedridden patients? They still ask the same questions and actually cause injuries to themselves by trying get up and "go home".
My mom continually asks me when I am going to get her out of here (the skilled nursing facility she has been at for a year now). She argues she doesn’t need to be there and she doesn’t need any help being taken care of. Other than redirecting the conversation, nothing I say helps and she can be very harsh and insulting with her words causing me to have to end the phone conversation or leave from my visit with her.
im having the same issue. still trying new strategies. she thinks shes leaving in december. im dreading december. sigh :( hopefully things get better for u and I . i know its tough. hang in there.
My mother is constantly wanting to go home to her parents who have long passed. She says they are worried about her and she wants to be with them. This is constant. Multiple times a day. Please give me some input on how to freaky with this.
My mother did exactly this, but would get violent also. Dementia/Alzeimer’s is insidious. She likes the memory care place that she’s in now, but I think she is severely over medicated. It’s right by our house, but we will not be able to do it for more than another year or so. It’s already been 2 and all savings/retirement have been used up as I’m sure you all know these places aren’t cheap. I’m watching as much as I can from you guys now so that when that time comes I might be better equipped to help my mom feel ok in our home and not let it get to that violent stage. She hasn’t been violent, to my knowledge since the last incident about a year and a half ago where she through a chair through a window. We’re part Norwegian so she is healthy as a horse except for the dementia. She’s actually gained wait in memory care and she doesn’t talk hardly at all to anyone. My mother was a minister so she loved talking with people. She has actually been slapped in the face twice now by 2 different residents and they let us know and make full reports. I’m very concerned about her being on Risperdone. Can any of you lovely Careblazers tell me about options to this drug. I just recently found out she was taking it and the small amount of research I did was not good news to me and I don’t think she should be on it. Looking forward to any comments. Thank you for what you do. It’s so important and blessings upon you and your family in Jesus name. Amen.
Hi. So sorry . If you do not like the place move her. I have cared for 2 people with Alzheimer's while the family was disgusting what to do. They can be very sweet then get violent,things set them off. It is better to have more then one person at all times Incase. Play good cop bad cop. Understand they have no boundaries 24/7.
My loved one says that at times, but is not able to hold a conversation anymore. So, if I try to find out why, I don’t get an answer. It’s really sad when you loose them like that.
Thank you so much. I just wanted to share this worked great until it simply did not. My new response is something like ( I say this after a validated and search for what she may need) Do you like it here, do you feel cared for ?she always says yes(thank god) I take her hand and say you were very smart to choose this place. It is one of the best. They take care of allot of your needs . I really admire how well you prepared for getting older. I ask her if she miss cooking or cleaning etc(in case she says yes, then we can do this activity) she NEVER says yes. I thank her for allowing me to reorientate her and we move towards a card game tea etc. Almost always I get her out of the space in some way. I have had to do this with death also. When looking for her husband we change location, I ask her to tell me about him, sometimes that is enough, but sometimes I say I can see why you would miss him he sounds great. She ask me if he has died, I now say yes am so sorry. She sighs thanks me and we move on. I share this because I was scared to go there, but it has been working great. Knowing about your person is key..PLEASE families share with you caregivers we need history to be our best.
This is all great help.. I'm getting old and I just don't have the patience I used to have.. she's just goes non-stop she will not accept any of my answers.. remember I'm trying to make dinner trying to get her to eat dinner and she's talking about going home this is all going on at the same time if I didn't have so much multitasking it might be a little easier.. then she gets to that point where she just pushes that button .. and then I lose it then I have to put her to bed.. just to escape.. the only reason she's not in a home now is cuz of finances.. and because of covid
My dad is 80 and has dementia. It’s been two years. He know wants to be on the go all the time. Wanting to run around in my truck and after we ride around a while he wants to get back home. Soon as we get in the house. He’s ready to go again. Just so tiring to deal with him. Nothing will change his mind. Any tips
I'm having a hell of a time with my mother who doesn't recognise me. Stress and anxiety brings this out in her and all I have are TV shows to distract. Comedies seem to help...yet it feels like I've done nothing like what you mention. Was this good enough?
My Mum will ask my Dad if he is ready to go home when she is ready for bed. He will say this is your home and things go downhill from there. How do we handle the situation when it would seem illogical to her for us to be starting other conversations or activities? Any ideas are welcome 😊
Thanks for all the good advice. My one suggestion would be to please get a decent microphone to speak into instead of relying on your camera's mic. The distant/echoing quality of the sound would be greatly reduced.
I need help dealing with crazy power of attorney . She needs to get a check up if I suggest ,or tell changes, or not tell I get angry boss. Everyone is afraid of her,orders different people to not talk to each other. I do like your advice . Please give advice for someone who forgot what comes out of her but.
@@batshevaklein8639 Is there a reason why she can't pull her own pants down? Or can she wear some other type of clothing that can help her keep her dignity/privacy a bit more?
My Mom was put in an assisted living against her will (& tricked into going) by my 2 siblings. Mom has a one story home that she bought several years ago so that she could live out her life at home. (She previously had a 2 story home that she loved.) My Mom does everything for herself in Assisted Living (except they prepare and serve meals, and give meds). She just wants to go home ... has cried day and night for the 6 months she has been there. My siblings took her home and car keys, tricked Mom (a month or two prior to putting her there) into adding my sister's signature on her bank account, won't bring her her mail or bank statements, etc. There is no reason she couldn't live at home except that my siblings don't want her there. When she needed help at home, she had an emergency necklace that summoned help much faster than the Assisted Living. If she needs someone to help with cleaning, she can hire it much less expensively than what Assisted Living is costing. She is angry that her hard-earned money is being spent on things other than what she planned. How do I help my Mom?
@djondjon Sorry about your situation. How did they get her in there, was she deemed incompetent by a doctor? I read that's the only was to get them in there. Big hug.
That must be very difficult. Were they taking care of her, and couldn't do it anymore? Sometimes, when people find they can't take care of mom anymore, they find other ways. Some hire help, and some find placement. Sometimes, home care works. But sometimes, the parent doesn't want a stranger there. Maybe they feel placing her is best for her. It's hard listening to someone say they want to go home. This lady in the video gives good advice. Talk to them about their home and slowly redirect their thoughts. --All the best
@@Olamchesed She was in the hospital and was supposedly sent there for a few days rehab. She was told she had done well, graduated from rehab, and could go home, but when she thought she was going home, my siblings told her that "this [Assisted Living] is your home".
u need an elder care attorney. if she did not need to be there, they could get into alot of trouble. u should also get a power of attorney if she is competent enough to sign.
A lot of your advice sounds like you want us to lie to the person or participate in their delusion. I think a better strategy rather than treating them like children is to work on finding a cure.
My wife was in that state of "I want to go home" plus she was so upset because "how did all my things end up here and how can I move them all back home." So one evening last spring I just said "why don't you just move in here with me, that would be a lot easier than moving all you stuff." She hasn't wanted to go home since. Now it's "I love it here, I don't what to leave. I've never been so happy." Now if all this covid would just clear up out there, we could go out to see family and friends.
What a wonderful way to manage this situation!
Brilliant!!
What a great solution you had. My mom wants to “go back home to her house she rents now” when she has really been living with me since my dad died 16 yrs ago. My problem is that she thinks all her things are there when of course they’re here in my house. I think I’ll try to see if I can flip your solution to appeal to my mother. Thank you for sharing.
@@carlabarrow977 About that same time my wife was insistent that all her coats were at home, even though I opened the hall closet to show her they are here. So one evening I put all her coats in the car and said ok lets go get them. We went for a long drive in the night, out of the city, through several small towns, out to the main highway and back home.
I said it's too late to unload your coats, we'll do it in the morning. Next morning I brought all the coats in and we separated them into summer and winter, We put all her winter coats into suitcases and stored them in the basement. Once in the summer she became worried about her coats, so I took her to the basement and we opened the suitcase and she was ok.
None of the tricks would work with my mother-in-law, the more we try to redirect, the more stubborn and resistant she gets! Plus, she starts the same old conversation/arguments every night. Any suggestions? I have tried all the distractions, coloring, television, etc..nothing works. It is the sme thing everyday. Help!
My Mom would often say " I want to go home" and at first we tell her that she lives here now. Mostly got upset and just didn't understand. She doesn't ask much anymore, but when she does I tell her that I have two more days until my days off, or I can't come today but tomorrow I can. She seems to feel that someone cares about what she wants and says "no problem," when I ask her to stay there just one more day. Of course by the morning she has forgotten all about it. We find that this method keeps her far happier.
I am working in memory care, we have resident that same situation, “please drive me home I will pay your gas or call my mom” other resident always looking for his car, and his car keys. Thank you that I found your vlog and it helps me a lot with our Care staff.
Christmas 2017, Mother flew from SC to CA to be with my family for the holidays. On December 26, she fell in my living room and broke her hip. Dementia was already quite noticeable at this time. After rehabilitation, and for the next 3 years, I was tormented daily by “I just want to go back home” when I knew that couldn’t happen. I’m the only child, there was no one to take care of her in SC. Except for one brief trip to SC for her sister-in-law’s funeral, Mom stayed in CA until she perished three years later. Mom (and I) have completed our journeys with this horrible disease. I pray for all of you struggling with dementia daily. Peace.
Thank you for sharing part of your story with us.
We had to put my mother in a memory care facility a few weeks ago. We are reluctant to bring her back to the house she shared with my dad because we're afraid it might trigger her and then she'll refuse to go back to the memory care facility. So we usually just take her out to eat.
Also, she has already decided to have a boyfriend in the memory care facility, which is a little awkward when my dad comes to visit. My folks have been married for 62 years. I understand she's not in her right mind and she's just looking to recreate that relationship she's always had. But, it is painful for my dad to see some other guy always hanging around. We went through that "I wanna go home" phase for a while. But, now she seems to be content in the facility. She's made a lot of friends and she has so many people to talk to there and give her attention. That being said, this is the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my entire life.
I worked in an assisted living. A couple was there and the man's memory was not good, he kept asking he's wife for a date. Sweet.
Awe I'm so very sorry . It is one of the most difficult season in life. My prayers are with you all.
This is such a difficult situation. Thank you for being willing to share your experience with us.
A real tearjerker. The thing I tell myself every day . . . and my challenges are minor (outside of the entire world falling apart with suppressive rules and regulations) is "be able to experience anything." Tell your father I'm praying for him.
I can relate. My Mom has dimentia and she thinks she is a teen ager and I'm her boyfriend.
Mother-in-law suffered Dementia for several years before dying, her pleas to go home, seeing things, and, hearing things broke my heart when I could not help her, God rest her Soul...
I'm so sorry you had to see that, clearly you had a lot of love for each other.
I am so sorry to hear this. We are wondering how long this phase with my mother-in-law will last, it feels like eternity and she has only lived with us since October of 2021. But we were the only ones helping my father-in-law for about 3 years before moving her with us and our children.
Take them out for a drive, drive through a park stop off and get them a soda, or a milk shake. This worked for my husband the drive relaxed him and he enjoyed the milk shake. Also relaxing for me.
Thank you so much for this video. It's such a relief for me to her someone talking about it.
Me and my sister, we are living with our 92 yo mother which has dementia and is virtually unable to perform any task at all.
Something that my mom keep repeating over and over and over again, it's this endless "I WANT TO GO HOME".
Sometimes it's so unnerving, because me and my sis we are trying to provide all she needs in her home, and, instead of a "thank you" you hear that she wants to go home.
I can't say how many times and since how long she is saying that sentence, but believe me, it's something unbelievable. And if you're not paying her attention, she gets progressively more and more aggressive.
Unfortunately, we were never able to understand what she actually wants to say with this sentence, she doesn't give us any hint about what she is missing and why.
My sister says that she just would like to go back to her "previous life", when she was able to ride a bike, take care of the house, cook, etc...
Sometimes it's just so frustrating.
What I usually answer her is that I'll go to search a house for me and her, but that it's going to take some time to find one.
Sometimes I can trick her, sometimes not.
Anyway, your channel seems very interesting and I' m going to watch your other videos here.
Bye and greetings from Italy.
Thank you, Dr. Natali. I wish I'd known this two years ago! However, I moved from saying "You are home" to "Which home are you thinking of?" which led to good conversations. I feel better knowing that this doesn't just happen to her/us.
I could see how this works well for some folks! Good creative solution :)
I have been making the mistake of telling my had that he is already home. Thank you for this video.
That's a natural response to make,. Go easy on yourself.
Me too Edna. I’ll bet many of us have done that. It’s a natural reaction.
My MIL wanted to go home so after deflecting she didn't go for it and said she would walk home. She asked if the backpack was her bag. I said yes and along with every heavy item near us. Once she noticed it was all to heavy for her to carry I convinced her to wait for her son to get home from work so she wouldn't have to carry it all. She never drove in her life so it made sense to her to get a ride home.
My sister was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia, when she was 64. She suffered with it, for 7 years, and passed away, at The Residence, an assisted living facility, 70. She had round the clock caregivers, at her house in Ridgefield , CT, and the last 3, at the facility, I mentioned. She couldn't walk or talk at the end. I salute the whole medical staff, including caregivers and hospice, for taking such great care of my sister.
I am sorry you went through this with your sister but I am glad she was able to find such wonderful carers.
Stick with Careblazers Dr Natalie’s advice is priceless 💞✝️
Thanks for the insight into what bothers my mother-in-law. What helped us was that I wrote her name on a door to her room. In huge letters, so she now calls it her room (still adds "allegedly")
I had this with dad yesterday. Gosh sometimes I'm feeling drained and frustrated. Thanks for advice and tips will try if happen again
You are so welcome! Feeling drained and frustrated is normal. It is wonderful that you are willing try these!
@@DementiaCareblazers thank you!.regards from Kuala Lumpur Malaysia 🥰🌞
Thanks, God bless you
It is so sad and difficult to see my mom in this Condition
That sadness is so hard, but is also a reminder of your loving bond with your mom. If you didn't have that, you would not be sad.
Those are great suggestions. My dear mother-in-law has a weak spot for a cup of coffee. Also we could tell her that we need to sort her earrings first. She loves that.
I had no idea this was so common until I came across your videos. Thank you so much. You're absolutely saving my sanity right now. I tried your tip about directing the conversation elsewhere which led to a midnight trip to the store for ice cream but it was worth it! He stopped asking to go home once he had his frosty treat.
My husband does this all the time thank you for some great ideas. I just happened to see this video from a couple years ago it's a blessing.
This was helpful. I hear this daily from my mom (and it's complicated). She's sure she's going back to CA from here at my place in rural AZ, and maybe she is. I don't know, because some of her stepfamily tell her they'll take her back there to an assisted living place - not her old home - when they come to see her at Thanksgiving. She thinks no place is better than CA! They're all working on moving a long ways off, and her old house will be sold. I wish they'd quit helping, it makes it very difficult! But I've been handling it sort of like you describe here, except I have tried to explain. She gets it for a little while, then goes back to the idea of going to CA to a home that doesn't exist anymore. I don't argue with her and tell her no. Her move was recent, so things are still up in the air to her. I've started giving her some calming herbs and that has actually helped. While she still longs for the life she can't go back to, and still forgets and gets confused, she's more peaceful, and not so anxious and agitated about it as she was at first. But Thanksgiving is coming. Sigh.
Thanks for the content, i saw both videos. Love this.
Thanks for this video. My wife has not exhibited this behavior (yet); but it's great knowing I have a strategy if or when it does. Thanks for your videos. Great, helpful content. Truly you are a blessing👼
It is a real art to learn not to say No!
Yes it is. Take a moment to ignore everything and face your loved one in total silence and peace and pray for inspiration!!
very good suggestion
Usually later evening, but recently mid afternoon Phil will start looking through the phone book thinking that the person with his same name is himself and that he lives where this phone book person lives. He even sometimes gets up and goes to the door and when I say where are you going? he says "home". I have driven him all around the area so he can tell me which house is his. Thank you for your suggestions, I will certainly try your approach. I also got rid of the phone books.
I'm a private duty Night care taker your videos help me alot with my patient and sweet friend she is going through Alzheimer's/dementia ... The only thing difficult is to help her change her depend or higine on her..get upset
thank you. very helpful
Thank you Dr. Natalie for all your careblazer UA-cam videos. (From Singapore 🇸🇬)
My mom is in assisted living and she alternates between wanting to buy her own home (because she "doesn't belong in an institution and doesn't need help") and coming to live with me (because "putting her in assisted living is a huge betrayal"). I don't know how to apply what you've said to these slightly different situations.
My Mom was put in an assisted living against her will (& tricked into going) by my 2 siblings. Mom has a one story home that she bought several years ago so that she could live out her life at home. (She previously had a 2 story home that she loved.) My Mom does everything for herself in Assisted Living (except they prepare and serve meals, and give meds). She just wants to go home ... has cried day and night for the 6 months she has been there. My siblings took her home and car keys, tricked Mom (a month or two prior to putting her there) into adding my sister's signature on her bank account, won't bring her her mail or bank statements, etc. There is no reason she couldn't live at home except that my siblings don't want her there. When she needed help at home, she had an emergency necklace that summoned help much faster than the Assisted Living. If she needs someone to help with cleaning, she can hire it much less expensively than what Assisted Living is costing. She is angry that her hard-earned money is being spent on things other than what she planned.
@@djondjon Sorry about your situation. How did they get her in there, was she deemed incompetent by a doctor? I read that's the only was to get them in there. Big hug.
@@djondjon That sounds awful. Must be heartbreaking for you to watch and heartbreaking for your mom. I wonder if there's some way to take legal action to remedy this situation. I should have made it clearer that my mom does need assisted living b/c of dementia, and in fact chose this particular place when we visited several, and I even recorded her agreeing to it and saying that she wanted to live there. When she was living alone prior to this, she would have freak-outs multiple times a day. Tried having her live with me but that was a disaster for both of us for many reasons.
@Roma K You can still use the technique of acknowledging how she feels and asking different things about home for conversation. And slowly redirect her thoughts to something else.
@@stars1836 Thank you so much for your response. Would questions like "What kind of a home do you want to live in?" or "What would you like about living in your own place?" be appropriate? I'm worried that questions like that are just going to reinforce the plan of moving. Or maybe I could say something like "I really liked the condo you used to have in Florida - remember that?" Or is that no good because she might not remember? I'm really stuck on this one.
Thanks for explaining. I didn't know it means they are looking for their childhood home.
Thank you so much for this helpful video.
Lately Mom has been saying this is my room isn’t it? I respond with yes it is. Then she asked how long has it been my room? I say over two years now mom. Then just Friday I went into her room and everything is packed up and on her bed. I was exhausted from working all day. So I didn’t handle it exactly the way I should have. Thanks for the advice next time I’ll handle it differently and try to see it from her point of view.
Excellent! There are unknown forces at work on the bodies and minds of the aging. Mostly we can thank them for doing their best. Well done to you.
My mom surprised me similarly sometimes. I solved that pretty well by getting rid of her suitcase. I could just see myself having to unpack and put away all those things. Ugh!
@@carlabarrow977 lol my mom used Walmart bags
Thank you so much, you help me, I am helping my elderly father that’s the caregiver for my mother. It’s important to know what to do through their lens not ours. It’s amazing to go through this illness with someone you love, with any person.
It is so wonderful that you are assisting your father and taking the time to learn new ways of responding based on her lens.
What if my mom keeps saying "I want to go home" in a memory care facility? She keeps insisting that there's nothing wrong with her so why is she being kept here in the facility. How do I deal with that? Please advise.
You can say, I know you're fine, but the doctor wants you to stay for a while more. You are in a safe place, and I will continue to be here for you.
My mother is doing the same, she is packing up every afternoon, she sundowns at 5pm
My husband does the same thing
I betcha that works.
Thanks very much, but this is mostly regarding people who are still mobile. How do we treat bedridden patients? They still ask the same questions and actually cause injuries to themselves by trying get up and "go home".
I am 23 I having this problem "wanting to go home but I'm already at home" it started when I was 19...
Please help me with this...
the hardest thing is, after all the conversation. they wanna go home again
Yes. Just repeat, I think.
My mom continually asks me when I am going to get her out of here (the skilled nursing facility she has been at for a year now). She argues she doesn’t need to be there and she doesn’t need any help being taken care of. Other than redirecting the conversation, nothing I say helps and she can be very harsh and insulting with her words causing me to have to end the phone conversation or leave from my visit with her.
im having the same issue. still trying new strategies. she thinks shes leaving in december. im dreading december. sigh :( hopefully things get better for u and I . i know its tough. hang in there.
Great advice. Thank you
My mother is constantly wanting to go home to her parents who have long passed. She says they are worried about her and she wants to be with them. This is constant. Multiple times a day. Please give me some input on how to freaky with this.
Have you found any good advice?
My mom's bags are always packed and I've been having luck saying going home is next week
Is that still work8ng?
My mother did exactly this, but would get violent also. Dementia/Alzeimer’s is insidious. She likes the memory care place that she’s in now, but I think she is severely over medicated. It’s right by our house, but we will not be able to do it for more than another year or so. It’s already been 2 and all savings/retirement have been used up as I’m sure you all know these places aren’t cheap. I’m watching as much as I can from you guys now so that when that time comes I might be better equipped to help my mom feel ok in our home and not let it get to that violent stage. She hasn’t been violent, to my knowledge since the last incident about a year and a half ago where she through a chair through a window. We’re part Norwegian so she is healthy as a horse except for the dementia. She’s actually gained wait in memory care and she doesn’t talk hardly at all to anyone. My mother was a minister so she loved talking with people. She has actually been slapped in the face twice now by 2 different residents and they let us know and make full reports. I’m very concerned about her being on Risperdone. Can any of you lovely Careblazers tell me about options to this drug. I just recently found out she was taking it and the small amount of research I did was not good news to me and I don’t think she should be on it. Looking forward to any comments. Thank you for what you do. It’s so important and blessings upon you and your family in Jesus name. Amen.
Hi. So sorry . If you do not like the place move her. I have cared for 2 people with Alzheimer's while the family was disgusting what to do. They can be very sweet then get violent,things set them off. It is better to have more then one person at all times Incase. Play good cop bad cop. Understand they have no boundaries 24/7.
Get off the Risperdal, it made my brother agitated. It's not for everyone.
My loved one says that at times, but is not able to hold a conversation anymore. So, if I try to find out why, I don’t get an answer. It’s really sad when you loose them like that.
Thank you!
Thank you so much. I just wanted to share this worked great until it simply did not. My new response is something like ( I say this after a validated and search for what she may need) Do you like it here, do you feel cared for ?she always says yes(thank god) I take her hand and say you were very smart to choose this place. It is one of the best. They take care of allot of your needs . I really admire how well you prepared for getting older. I ask her if she miss cooking or cleaning etc(in case she says yes, then we can do this activity) she NEVER says yes. I thank her for allowing me to reorientate her and we move towards a card game tea etc. Almost always I get her out of the space in some way. I have had to do this with death also. When looking for her husband we change location, I ask her to tell me about him, sometimes that is enough, but sometimes I say I can see why you would miss him he sounds great. She ask me if he has died, I now say yes am so sorry. She sighs thanks me and we move on. I share this because I was scared to go there, but it has been working great. Knowing about your person is key..PLEASE families share with you caregivers we need history to be our best.
This is all great help.. I'm getting old and I just don't have the patience I used to have.. she's just goes non-stop she will not accept any of my answers.. remember I'm trying to make dinner trying to get her to eat dinner and she's talking about going home this is all going on at the same time if I didn't have so much multitasking it might be a little easier.. then she gets to that point where she just pushes that button .. and then I lose it then I have to put her to bed.. just to escape.. the only reason she's not in a home now is cuz of finances.. and because of covid
How are things going?
My dad is 80 and has dementia. It’s been two years. He know wants to be on the go all the time. Wanting to run around in my truck and after we ride around a while he wants to get back home. Soon as we get in the house. He’s ready to go again. Just so tiring to deal with him. Nothing will change his mind. Any tips
Also he doesn’t know me as his son nor my mom. His wife of 50 years.
I'm having a hell of a time with my mother who doesn't recognise me.
Stress and anxiety brings this out in her and all I have are TV shows to distract. Comedies seem to help...yet it feels like I've done nothing like what you mention. Was this good enough?
How about they keep asking to go to workplace? Thank you.
My Mum will ask my Dad if he is ready to go home when she is ready for bed. He will say this is your home and things go downhill from there. How do we handle the situation when it would seem illogical to her for us to be starting other conversations or activities? Any ideas are welcome 😊
Thanks for all the good advice. My one suggestion would be to please get a decent microphone to speak into instead of relying on your camera's mic. The distant/echoing quality of the sound would be greatly reduced.
My mother does this…
I need help dealing with crazy power of attorney . She needs to get a check up if I suggest ,or tell changes, or not tell I get angry boss. Everyone is afraid of her,orders different people to not talk to each other.
I do like your advice . Please give advice for someone who forgot what comes out of her but.
And the 91 year old women I care for gets very angry when I pull her pance down in front of the toilet
@@batshevaklein8639 Is there a reason why she can't pull her own pants down? Or can she wear some other type of clothing that can help her keep her dignity/privacy a bit more?
Maybe the old lady doesn't have arm strength. Or might fall forward.
@@djondjon I ask her if she wants to do it. She dose pull them up with no complaint.
@@Olamchesed she pulls them up with no complaints
My Mom was put in an assisted living against her will (& tricked into going) by my 2 siblings. Mom has a one story home that she bought several years ago so that she could live out her life at home. (She previously had a 2 story home that she loved.) My Mom does everything for herself in Assisted Living (except they prepare and serve meals, and give meds). She just wants to go home ... has cried day and night for the 6 months she has been there. My siblings took her home and car keys, tricked Mom (a month or two prior to putting her there) into adding my sister's signature on her bank account, won't bring her her mail or bank statements, etc. There is no reason she couldn't live at home except that my siblings don't want her there. When she needed help at home, she had an emergency necklace that summoned help much faster than the Assisted Living. If she needs someone to help with cleaning, she can hire it much less expensively than what Assisted Living is costing. She is angry that her hard-earned money is being spent on things other than what she planned. How do I help my Mom?
@djondjon Sorry about your situation. How did they get her in there, was she deemed incompetent by a doctor? I read that's the only was to get them in there. Big hug.
That must be very difficult. Were they taking care of her, and couldn't do it anymore? Sometimes, when people find they can't take care of mom anymore, they find other ways. Some hire help, and some find placement. Sometimes, home care works. But sometimes, the parent doesn't want a stranger there.
Maybe they feel placing her is best for her. It's hard listening to someone say they want to go home. This lady in the video gives good advice. Talk to them about their home and slowly redirect their thoughts.
--All the best
@@Olamchesed She was in the hospital and was supposedly sent there for a few days rehab. She was told she had done well, graduated from rehab, and could go home, but when she thought she was going home, my siblings told her that "this [Assisted Living] is your home".
u need an elder care attorney. if she did not need to be there, they could get into alot of trouble. u should also get a power of attorney if she is competent enough to sign.
@@djondjon If you ever bring her home, make sure to set up 24hr home care.
Very common
My mom will curse me if I ask her questions when she is in that moment of leaving 😁
Thee woman I care for cures at more and more. She really likes men, I have her talk to my uncle who is the same age and the sky turns blue.
I'm happy I was able to bathe my sister, give her showers, change her diapers, and feed her..
Typo at 70
Remember some may also be talking about going to heaven as their heavenly HOME
I asked that and she said “Hell no”!
A lot of your advice sounds like you want us to lie to the person or participate in their delusion. I think a better strategy rather than treating them like children is to work on finding a cure.