Dissociative Identity Disorder: Denial and Recognition Later in Life
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- Опубліковано 29 вер 2024
- In this video, Dr Mike Lloyd looks at some reasons why D.I.D. may be denied as a reality in a person's life, understanding this from an internal and external perspective. In addition, Mike discusses why it can take many years for a person to be able to see that they have D.I.D., possibly not gaining assessment and diagnosis until many years after the traumatic events that led to the dissociation.
It's very heartwarming to know that sometimes, if your symptoms are coming back, it's not because you're in a bad place, but because you're in a good place and your brain decides that you're safe enough to deal with the trauma. It made me tear up because I realize that I'm not really "relapsing", I'm just in the process of getting better, but in order to do so I have to face every side of the disorder, even the bad ones. Thank you for your video
Thank you for this, we certainly hope the video has helped in your journey!
Agreed
I had the same reaction. ❤
This broke my heart. It's been 20 yrs pretending my symptoms are just normal due to always being dismissed by others and now that I'm in a safe space, it's all resurfacing. For anyone going through this, I see you and you got this.
Hi, we just learning about ourselves, Mike is so helpful! We have a 75 eyars old body. Ha ha, amd four months ago we were a woman with long red hair. It's so great to feel safe. I do want to understand this, myselves, so I can live with joy and die without regrets. D.I.D. - can be liberating. we need to learn o. communocate within.
I don't think I can get through this. I'm so scared.
@@PURPLEHAZE30000 hi Marcia, my sister's name was Marsha. I wish she was here now. She was my memory. So hard when memories come like thudding screeching inside wrenching make us feel guilty though it's NOT our fault why they made us keep secrets and even from ourselves so we learns another way to cope we flew the coop and become another person
Me too. Mee too. We are one plural. You are just beginning. I'm 6 months,maybe, ahead of you. You are in good company. Get to know each other. YOU ARE REAL.
Where did you find a safe space?
@@PURPLEHAZE30000I'm right there with you! This is too difficult and scary
My experience was that I simply did not have the ability to actually "feel" the trauma until later in life after I experienced a terrifying DID experience which resulted in the return of early childhood traumatic memories. This occurred when my husband was diagnosed with an inoperative brain tumor and I was presented with his suffering and misery on a daily basis. I had a distinct personality change overnight and began switching back and forth between two "parts of myself" constantly. When the flashbacks began and the lost memories came rushing back in short bursts, I also experienced the return of feelings. I rarely cried for years before this happened. Since the onset of this, I have had to learn to deal with deep feelings of rage, sorrow, crying very easily and also new gifts such as drawing and weirdly, eating with chopsticks. I had to put that last in there because one, it's true and two, there has to be some humor in this disorder and three, it's an inexplicable occurence that I simply cannot explain. I think there was a huge part of "me" missing during most of my life that did not return until this shocking onset of symptoms. Over several years of therapy I realized that I'd had similar occurrences with personality shifts that I explained away at the time as my "making changes in my life." However I realized that these changes never came after conscious deliberation, only as a result of extreme stress with regards to challenging circumstances and new trauma and once again, seemed to occur overnight. I hope this helps inform anyone who is trying to understand DID.
Yes!
Very helpful! Thanks for sharing. I can relate to your story
You talk too much I'll have said nothing in half of all your words
Thank you. I was 35 when I was diagnosed but it took a few more years and another major trauma happen before we completely became undone. I stayed in denial for a few more years and my Doctor got to the point that he said that my denial was keeping me unwell and slowing down my progress. So he videoed some of our sessions and than played them back to me. I got a hell of a fright when I clearly saw the switching happen and I saw my others for the first time ever. This very quickly helped co-consciousness to start happen. It was very helpful to hear you say that it can be normal that it takes something to happen in adulthood before it all comes out.
My experience of NHS (mis)treatment means I don't trust them.
Ignorance is one thing, unkindness is another.
I’ll be 53 in about a month. I have DID but was formally diagnosed a little over a year ago. Why did it take so long? I was basically held captive and trafficked by my mother and sister until I was 43. I didn’t know this was abuse until I was about 40. In my mid 20’s, I KNEW I had DID, I was certain of it. I was sent to MCLean hospital in Boston for two weeks in a locked ward (4 hours away from home). The doctor there convinced me that I was making it up and that it was all in my head. So I spent almost 30 years in deep denial out of necessity. Lots more abuse and intense struggles, multiple suicide attempts, and feeling absolutely broken. I’m lucky to have an amazing therapist now. I’ve been seeing her for over 20 years, and making progress. One of her specialties is DID (which I didn’t even know until about a year ago. She finally helped me see and accept that I do have parts.
I’ve always had the symptoms, but got misdiagnosed as maybe it’s borderline? but definitely schizophrenia you need these medications for life, have you ever considered Aspergers? It’s just no matter how well we tried to imitate each other we’re not the same person. I went trough life like it was a video game, things didn’t feel real, I didn’t feel in control (especially due to the amnesia) but I’d been told that “it wasn’t that bad if that’s all you can remember, just don’t think about it”. Firstly, no, that’s NOT all of it that I can remember, but why would I want to immediately tell someone everything? Then I’ve also found writings about things that I don’t remember. I’ve been aware of the others, trying to act as a person since it felt like if my parents knew they would hate me. I was still in hardcore denial that it was anything else than what I’d been diagnosed with. Then I described derealisation and dissociation to my new psychiatrist and she was like “sounds like those things, not psychosis” and eventually I started to open up to other possibilities. Leaning towards borderline this time until it didn’t work denying that I’m not always in control anymore.
What triggered us to “come out of denial” and accept that we are all real in this reality that feels pretty foggy if you ask me is that we have all noticed that the body is not exactly doing great. We need to try to find out what it is but everyone’s perception of it is slightly different, like one of us that complain about not taking enough painkillers just in case she comes out. She’s just not used to physical pain at all I guess? It has helped a lot not being in denial since there is one that always caused complete amnesia and then you’d noticed like oh, guess we got drunk, oh, guess we self harmed, oh shit what’s with all of the empty packages of painkillers there’s a lot of them!? Not denying his existence anymore made him open up a little at least. Didn’t even know he considered himself a he but explains certain self harm places I guess. So yeah, I do think that as he puts it “being a good girl and doing everything that you’re told” probably made it worse for all of us. We might have been more unified as we do share certain memories but now... I don’t know. I barely even recognise myself anymore, what was I just faking? Well not my love for video games or cute things at least. :) Or Nightwish, I’ve gotten back into them since Noise because omg nice 👍
I was asked once when applying for a job with a company that needed a patient advocate that had a mental health diagnosis. I told her I collected them.
@@susancharles4173 Technically the only official diagnosis needed to feed someone at least two antidepressants and three antipsychotics, preferably an injection of antipsychotics too, is depression. Yup. That’s the only thing that was in the adult paperwork since whatever you had before you turned 18 is then irrelevant. I mean they can tell you that you have a lot of different things, but then when a nurse had checked she had no idea what my actual problems were or any idea why I’d be on that many antipsychotics since people around here go on what they’ve heard from others rather than bother with finding out the truth. She wasn’t from around here so she didn’t know that I’m obviously schizophrenic because I changed my clothing style drastically sometimes even up to twice a day, and is all over the place in terms of consistency like who even does that if they’re not schizophrenic like duh everyone knows that you’re either just depressed or completely psychotic 🙄
I wonder why people kill themselves so much around here 🤔 or how peeing blood is a mental thing if you have mental health problems, they had a guy put away in a psychiatric ward for days and when he didn’t stop peeing blood he got taken to a hospital to check if maybe it was something else rather than his mind making him pee blood 🙂
Age 66. Been hiding it for years and also in denial for decades. Thanks for this video you clearly made just for me. 😁 Reason I told: I was aware of several memories I had never talked about and said I would. That week there was yelling on my head that it was "not your memory to share." She was young. And I couldn't get the yelling to stop. That week when I went to therapy I told my therapist basically it was not my memory to share. I knew anyone in the know would see that had a meaning. Turns out she had been trying to talk to me about it for a while but i was unwilling. I never told her I had had the diagnosis 30 years ago. She then told me that she had had a conversation with someone she figured out wasn't me but I wasn't willing to hear it and she knew on my own timeline, I'd let her know when I was ready. My mom died this year. I think that's what shifted things. Turns out my psych med person had it as one of my official dx. Yeah, it's time to start learning how to communicate internally and get on with it. I now know I didn't do myself any favors by denying for so long. Has lead to years of thorazine that if course didn't ever work (for hallucinations) and too many diagnoses.
I think I also have to admit that all my memories are real and that's a tough one. I know what causes DID. If I could deny it, I could deny the more serious memories as well. It was a game I played with myself and knew it but it helped keep me "sane" for a while. Well, semi-sane.
And when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. I have two very good trauma-informed therapists who believe it's real and know its real for me. And we are now beginning to work with a system.
Really helpful. I’ve spent almost 60 years in and out of denial that I’m multiple. Since I’m a control freak and that helped me survive -it worked -plus I’m largely co-conscious until a little part remembers something awful through triggering.-even then- it’s the strong emotion alter-protector- not even much of the original trauma.
But your point that I’m finally ready and strong enough rings true. Also more at rick bottom with nowhere to go if I want to survive unless I stop the denial. The Universe has trapped me-(probably for my own good) into a corner that I won’t survive and my kids are at risk and estranged until I address this now. I have been trying to find a good fit therapist for years now. I’ve had an overseer who seemed to intentionally trigger us- and I’ve been working alone a lot with the tools/skills we’ve learned over 40 years of therapy. It’s really hard to find a therapist in the Midwest where most of my abuse happened AND the drugging and denial is rampant.
I might be in the midst of a cult.?
Thank you Dr. Mike
At 57..I'm finally in a spot I can go down this path..6 years ago I was struggling to believe that the memories were actually real..some I knew, but some I hadn't
The gaps in time I just ignored
Just recently started talking with a DID specialist
It's making alot of sense
Evidently I probably an alter had called her 6 years ago to get help but then never came back ..I have no memory of doing that. Her video popped up in my head a few weeks ago when I decided I absolutely need to figure out how to stop jumping out of my body for a day or two at a time. I thought it was strange that I felt like I had seen that video.
So I called to make an appointment and found out that I had called before. Somebody wanted to talk badly
So strange but makes so much sense
Thank-you! My case manager has been exactly how you described a health professional should respond to clients but unfortunately other people in my team haven’t been as understanding; this video is perfect for helping them understand why after all these years I’ve only now felt comfortable with my newish CM to talk about my symptoms and system. I could never put it into words without feeling judged, disbelieved, or dismissed and sending them this link will definitely do wonders in us all moving forward to the right therapies and medication.
Chantelle Carly Thank you, Chantelle!
Thank you. For so many reasons.
The reasons for denial are bang on! I'm laughing at how accurate you are but then again you are a professional. I am not diagnosed yet but these are my reasons. I'm 40 and began therapy at about 34 because I had intimacy issues with my boyfriend. Wow was I in denial!! lol. Thank you for the work you do.
Thank you so much for this. All three reasons for late life discovery mentioned apply to us. A genuine thanks to you for these tears. This video was sorely needed.
Feeling this all at almost 40 was nearly too much. Thank you.
Thank you.
You are welcome!
Here's me in denial about denial . This makes sense. I have children and lost my own family and everyone I loved from simply bringing up my confusion when it started with loved ones. And the losing our kids makes sense 😭 thank you . This makes me feel less a monster 🐺
Thank you, you certainly have been through a lot, and I truly hope things improve for you.
Thank you so much for this! Love your videos and it is so clear that you genuinely care!!!
I found myself denying I have DID to try and grasp onto feeling normal again. This would only last until the symptoms presented themselves again. It is very difficult to accept that I have DID, although I now acknowledge it 6 years after diagnosis.
Sometimes it really does take a long time, so I am pleased you are moving forward with it now.
I wish you luck with it
I’m 46 and just understanding that what I’ve been hiding is OSDD and I have no idea what to do.
Thank you for your deep thoughts on that difficult topic. May I ask of you: how can we loose our programms, our condotionalised behaviours, how can we get rid of triggers? Thank you!
We embrace our triggers as teachers/guides to self awareness. Attempting to minimise as much as possible. Love to you x
Simba Neki it may never be possible to get rid of triggers altogether, the hope is to manage the impact of them better and better.
@@thectadclinic That is an honest answer.... thank you. We'd love to watch your thoughts in a video about programming and deprogramming... some day maybe?
Concerning the triggers... what is happening in our brain when some of us get triggered, others don't? And how can our therapist understand whats happening when she triggers us unwillingly?
Simba Neki do you mean unwillingly or unwittingly?
Read Janina Fisher's first book to learn more about managing triggers. She admits that it is unlikely that they go away completely.
you have kind eyes. id feel safe talking with you
I had a work accident that brought about panic attacks. I saw a therapist who said I have PTSD. EMDR was recommended. I dissociated for 3 days after that first EMDR session and had NO IDEA what was happening. (I stopped EMDR) I found a specialist and waited three months to see him. He diagnosed me with DDNOS after 4 or 5 sessions. I'm a fairly intelligent and hard-working, driven female with my own business and am happily married for 31 years. Since the dissociation, it's been happening every day. I'm in denial of the diagnosis. I wanted it to be something less conspicuous. I didn't want anyone telling me something about me that I didn't already know. I wanted it to be PTSD or Anxiety disorder and let's try a new therapy. I'm still trying to get past the denial. This video has helped. I don't think people understand what a diagnosis of DDNOS or DID does to a person. It's upset my worldview. Considering what you're saying. Thanks for putting out these videos. I'm eating them for breakfast, lunch and dinner right now. :) Bless you.
Can you tell us can you tell us about Aspergers
and DID?
I guess that was covered in the autism and DID video, as we wouldn’t be seeing more severe debilitating autism within our clinics.
Can you make a video on having DID and being exhausted?
I think exhaustion with DID is more or less everyone's experience!
Sometimes I hear my brother in my head say it wasnt that bad. Then I hear a part of me whisper in belief---oh, no it wasn't that bad, it was much, much worse.
How do I know if I have an alter?
Would it be wrong for a person with Dissociative identity Disorder to be okay with their alters being separated as individuals rather than together as one? If so can they still work together without having to be fused together if they’re not harming them
No, everyone with DID should be able to choose how they would like their progress to go. It’s a team decision, ideally, discussed with the therapist and a plan agreed, which is then open to change as time passes.
@The CTAD Clinic Yes. A person can't get real therapy if the counselor is dictating to them what experiences they are "supposed" to have. Like - "How many alters do you have?" "What are their names?" If you see or hear them - "Do you know what psychosis is?"
Abusive families are often secretive and actively discouraging of trusting, reaching out to, or even interacting with others. You were a child and most likely the aggressor was an adult. Living while always hiding isn't living. I prefer to be alone all the time too, but I want to stop being afraid and get moving - practice being social. Somewhere I've got a feisty part sparked and ready.
Feisty is my favorite alter!
I always like to be alone to.
My mother always told us never to let anyone know about our lives at home and didn't like random guests, said we would get her arrested if we opened our big mouths. But she insisted it was because Americans just made a big deal of everything, in her old country the way she raised us is considered normal. Did she occasionally go too far? Yeah.
@@sherrylivengood3752 we call it cocooning... it's the default mode
Me too I got spice
Thank you to everyone who has posted messages about this video. It really is important that I produce content that is meaningful to people, and I am very glad indeed that it has been so well accepted. The topic came directly from people placing comments on the channel about the role of denial and why it can take so long for DID to manifest - I truly hope I did justice to those people asking for this.
As a Newly Diagnosed system in my 50's this video was incredibly helpful for us. Thank You.
I have been having dissociative seizures. What can I do about this? It’s happened to me twice now (while driving) very scary. Usually I will have very high stress or anxiety for 3-7 days prior and then 💥 bam! I have a seizure. What can I do? Please help!
@@Mrskaseymunzer see a doctor, get a referral to a neurologist & psychiatrist. And I'm sorry but you'll have to prepare to have your license suspended while this is sussed out... It's absolutely paramount that you do the right thing and be honest, even if there's the driving consequence because... Obviously you see the danger to yourself & others. Take care. You can work through this!
Thank you for your incredibly helpful videos on dissociation. It's a relief to find them. Can I please ask if you've made any videos (or would) on when you have a diagnosis of DDNOS or DID but the memories you do have don't seem bad enough to justify a dx? And whether emotional neglect could be enough on its own to cause dissociation /a dissociative disorder? Thank you
As a 60 year old recently diagnosed with DID, your videos are astoundingly, comprehensively and gratefully needed, valued and appreciated. This one in particular, is sooooo validating. Bless.
We were 48 when we were Dx. Talk about turning your world upside down, inside out. Hang in there!~
I feel the same way!
God bless you too. Hang in there
I feel the same way in my 30s
I just got diagnosed with OSDD at 71. Looking for resources and people who understand.
I was diagnosed about six years ago. I am 59 now. When I told my adult daughter about my DID, she replied, "I know Mom!" And then my ex replied, "Duh!" So weird being the last to know.
Often the case! So much shame in speaking about it, yet often great relief at the same time.
This has been an INCREDIBLY helpful video for me. I'm 52yo & struggling with having alters. I finally have a fantastic trauma specialist who has many years treating dissociative disorders. Your video really affirmed my experience & we are grateful. I will be using this video as a jumping off point to discuss this further with my therapist. thank you!
Laura Paskavitz That is such good news, thank you!
Hi. What state is your specialist in? Ty.
When I was a child, I was terrified of the voices and thought it was some kind of devils, possession, angels, etc. I saw it through my religious teachings. I was too afraid to tell anyone. When I was in my late teens, I had realised it was psychological but I didn't know what it was and so I didn't tell anyone cause I didn't want anyone to think I was crazy. When I was in my adult years, I figuredout what it was, but I didn't want to believe it and by then my father had a stroke and I was a carer; my family needed me, and they became my focus. When I did see a psychiatrist, I didn't call it mpd, I went there saying I was having panic attacks and depression, cause I didn't want him to think I was crazy. By my early 40s, we decided that we couldn't all be in control, so one controlled and the others went under...there was therefore, no need to tell anyone. Now in my mid-50s, I don't really care anymore to tell anyone. I'm going to see a therapist as a last attempt at treatment but it kind of seems ridiculous, I've been living this way for most of my life and they have become a kind of family to me, especially now that my mother passed away last year and I nolonger am a carer. It's not like I am 30 and still have a chance to get better, so I can go to work, study, have kids, a relationship, etc...what's the point of therapy now. Besides, it's not real, just a mind game, I've talked myself into it. Idk, everything, life, seems like a wate of time. I'm moving in a couple of days out of my parents' home. Some 60 years of gathered trinkets, tools, furniture, china, clothes, etc, will be picked up and either will go to charity or be tossed, as if my parents never existed. All that effort, worry, for nothing. Therapy feels about the same now. Go to therapy to tell about the others, so they can be killed, so get the final prize of outliving them and living alone till I also disappear. Sorry, ranting now. Anyways, guess these are some of the reasons most of us don't tell.
Umm...you took the word right out of my mouth...but you say what's the point, I suppose the point is to live as your alive, in stead of projecting far into the future? Maybe being free in the present is the point....and being at peace....I related to your comment allot...wishing you all the best in your journey...
I was told to pray it away.
alters can’t be killed
I wish we could talk. We have lived parallel lives with different obstacles but as my T said the other day, I've been seeing her for 7 years "you can now start healing." It's not too late. I still have goals to make a mark somewhere in my life maybe before it's over. I wish the same for you. You have not been alone all these years. Many of us I think have been walking side by side and didn't know it. Felt alone. Important video. Rant on.
Thanks for the responses. I have found a therapist who specializes in DID. Today, we argued about whether I had DID or not, which is why I came back here. She says she's seen me switching, I forgotten discussions, etc. I don't know, maybe she's seeing those things cause she is geared towards seeing them. Another trauma reasearcher warned me about falling into the grip of therapists who believe in DID. I don't have blackouts, I'm present when the others are there, I just forget at a later stage some details and if my memory is jogged, I recall it again. Then again, I think to myself, if I was to create a character and pretend it to be an alter, could I act the role, and I don't think I could. I would know it was pretending...the others, when they do come out, it doesn't feel like acting. It feels like letting another person use my body. Very weird.
What helped me to admit I have DID is finding a kind and compassionate therapist who was not judgemental about DID. I tested the waters with her a bit, since she is a trauma therapist and DID is caused by trauma to see what she thought of DID and she believes that it is real so the next session I told her that I think I have DID. I was so scared I was wrong and I was just making problem up. Flash forward a few years later still with the same therapist and formally diagnosed with DID. Trust your gut!
-Talia (28 years old)
I've been telling my therapist for several months, before I knew the term DID, that I feel like I'm splintered or fragmented. She side steps every time. I began researching and found out these are in fact actual things. Then memories of "blacking out" for weeks at a time began to come back, and then more memories. I don't know if I'm the real me anymore
not always. sysmed is a horrible type of thinking. that being a system, being plural is something to patholoigze.
@@despicabledavidshort3806 possibly because some do not think it is a thing. it is something else. but not real.
This gives me hope. My marriage failed for several reasons (including communication). It's been four years and despite a mutual no contact clause, her alters keep reaching out to me. While I may be hopeful to reconnect someday, the most important thing is her mental health. I'd give anything to help her seek treatment. She just turned 29. Her alters have confided in me and I wish I could help them reach her.
Thank you for your videos. Can you please talk about dissociation and headaches/migraines and how to overcome them?
Yes please. I also get migraines.
Yes please. I have Chronic Migraine-cluster-on oxygen, Nurtec, Botox, Trokendi, sumatriptan… I have developed Inflammation with a Rathke Cleft cyst. MRI just discovered Microadenoma as well. Living with Lupus MECFS… this is insane. Have been fawning so long my executive function can’t keep up anymore.
@@lahvue2188 Curcumin (clinical strength turmeric) - a powerful natural anti-inflammatory is the best thing (along with physical therapy) for migraine :) Plus it doesn't have any side effects as it's natural :) Would also help to have an anti-inflammatory diet, omega 3, vitamin D, lots of fresh plants in the diet. I had an auto-mimmune disease I healed by detoxing and incoroporating good foods, spirulina is great.
I think I may be a system, and this whole time I've been terrified. Almost a whole week of constant dissociation and shaking from anxiety bc I'm so scared. I'm scared I've been faking bc this is the first time I've finally brought up my experiences. But, this video helped me a lot. I feel less fake about it, and I feel more secure regarding trying to go and get help for it. Thank you!
It would be nice to have a bit more about OSDD. I know it's not always going to help the channel grow since DID is more widely searched, and OSDD is just much less clear cut as a disorder. There's just not that much out there about it from clinicians and because our experience is much less clear cut it's much more confusing living with OSDD than DID (in my opinion)
Yes! Especially OSDD 1A. I am so confused by people talking about alters and stuff. Because I do not remember wth!
In my case, I was misdiagnosed with OSDD (the called DIDNOS) because in fact what I had/have was polyfragmented DID. I know others with a similar experience, which is why I am mentioning it.
If a lot of your parts are fragments, it can all be VERY blurry, and the switching can be so fast you don't notice it.
And, I agree OSDD needs a lot more attention. I almost feel like it's a catch all term for things that just really aren't well understood.
It really clicked with me that my dissociation was much deeper, and that i have others in my head, when i moved out of an abusive environment. That was enough to kind of "wake me up" from denial and realize the extent of my symptoms.
I kept trying to deny having DID but then my alters wouldn't stop yelling at me everytime I started doubting them
This is so validating! Thank you!!
I would do ANYTHING for this man to be my therapist. 😢
Me too
A competent and compassionate therapist is key. I'm blessed to have one. I pray you will be able to find one too
I was 54yo before I was even dx with PTSD, before then the American healthcare system dx me as Bipolar and all the visual flashbacks were psychosis so meds meds meds for life despite the meds did nothing to help other then chemical straitjacketing. Turns out medical trauma right at birth due birth defect and handfuls of surgeries every couple years until my 30's. This was just what life was, especially in the 60's,70's they never gave kids any psychological help unless acting out negatively. Thank you for this I thought this is life and just ground it out in base survival mode for decades.
Bless you! We know we're not the only ones out there. Much appreciated Dr. Mike 💜
I worked for 5 years in the 80s and 90s in the UK prison system. A number of those men I worked with were able to discuss their experiences of dissociation (post childhood sexual abuse) with me. My difficultly was in finding other professionals who accepted that the diagnosis of DID or MPD as it was then known, was believable. I look back at those young men and wish there had been someone to refer them to on release. Hopefully that has changed as I am sure there will still be many in the prison system because they acted out as children, got labelled and lost in the education and child care systems. Thank you for this video.
Thank you for raising this. My suspicion has always been that there is a lot of undiagnosed DID/OSDD and where this is hidden is for men in the prison system and for women in PD services.
@@thectadclinic I think you are absolutely correct. If childhood sexual abuse could be properly tackled and children debriefed/counselled at regular intervals as they mature, it could revolutionise society. I cannot think of even one of those I worked with who had ever been able to tell anyone, though some had tried but not been heard. A sad indictment on our society. Keep up the good work and maybe reach out to local prisons.
Diagnosed @ 50ish... but denial has still caused such upheaval since my system just does not think I can or should know any of it... not an easy road... in spite of myself, kinda
I had no clue that our mothers abuse of us started so early… I thought our DID started when we were sa’d at six but we have a child alter who is four, who curls into a ball, lisping ‘I’m sorry’ over and over again… it broke my heart.
Awwww. Hug the littlest one, inside, if he or she will let you.
When I was a teenager I knew sometimes I wasn't myself. I didn't know what was going on exactly but sometimes someone else controlled the body. She told my best friend and made one of her own that had gone fairly well. A year or so later I told my husband that did not go well. I went the next twelve years thinking it was just the acting out of a teenager. Last fall I was triggered by someone I've over an extended period of time. It's strange how much you can deny things that you knew to be true. He has been great this time around, we know each other better now, it also helps that we aren't kids anymore. I guess my point is it's really incredible how much it's possible to decide something isn't happening. Then live in that distorted reality for extended periods of time. It still trips me out how I was able to ignore what had happened for so long.
I'm so happy you have found love, acceptance and joy. 🥰❣❣
I think it's very understandable that we can be in denial of what is in retrospect, such blatantly obvious clues because it's all about survival & protection. We're only ready when we're ready. 💖
I feel so terrible for ignoring all my pieces for so long, tuning them out.. I was as much an asshole to them as so many have been to me in the same way. Not listening, not believing. I'm ashamed of it but I know it's not entirely my fault either. Only recently have I been ready to truly take a magnifying glass & look into my mind, memories, childhood & life. To open my mind to any who would even want to give me a chance after the way I've treated them for so long. Give opened sideline memories & clues that triggered awful reactions in my body both physically & spiritually. Have had vivid dreams again but seeing their memories or being introduced in a way.. getting a full name in a dream. It was pretty cool in my opinion lol. Josh Bantour. Cool guy, was throwing a big house party, people love him he's very social, funny but in a different way than myself or the others I just realized. Omg that's another great idea for a way to map my system out, find & identify any that wish to be & hopefully start some better communication and cooperation between most of us. Some, I think just a few, are very dangerous though so I think the gatekeeper (not the title they want but idk what it is yet) keeps them in check pretty well. One's dangerous bc they want to slit my throat. They hurt me using passive influence more than I like to admit. Another is dangerous bc they're somehow trained in some kind of elite combat or some shit. It's wild. I have near complete amnesia when they take over, they fully control this body & they don't fuck around. I can't feel anger past a certain point. Didn't realize that when I "black out" & get all multi-combat style on bad people, it's literally an alter. Hell, they even earned themselves a nickname when I was around 23 ish. Pistol, if anyone is curious. I could go on & on about everything that I always thought of as different life mysteries that are all actually part of one puzzle. Every single piece fits perfectly. I won't unless I'm asked to tho🤗
humor styles should be a great indicator
@@kandie3127 My friend her system has one that doesn't like anyone. Now, I have spent a lot of time with her and tried to learn what i can. were both close to 50 years old and both divorced but we met when we were both couples. So she has known me well for awhile. She has one who doesn't like anyone ,so I said even me? and being the sweetheart she is she just repeat it "she doesn't like anyone" lol very few times have I felt like I cant joke with them and say pretty much anything . What sucks is she was integrated at one time. Her and her therapist did it. It was so great because that was their end goal. But something happened and now she is a system again.. The only better thing (for me anyway lol) is that now most are adults.
Thank you. I was 60 before getting the right diagnosis
Amnesia was the main cause, as well as, misdiagnosis.
I was aware of years of blank spaces.
Well done, Kat. You have plenty of time ahead of you, hopefully it is wonderful.
This is so applicable to us thank you so much for this! Really helps our dance with all of this to have these types of vids - you're a special man!
I wish more systems could see this so they could feel safer to bring this up to a professionnal. I am so scared to talk to my psychiatrist about OSDD-1b... the fear of not being believed is srtong, even tho I think she might be oppened to this. Thank you for being a positive professionnal presence on the internet about a topic that needs to be understood by more people.
9 months later me: oh I should watch this video, I might learn something new to help us with denial... *sees I've already commented something* damn who wrote that guys? headmate: we don't have did don't ask me. hahahah oh brain c'mon can we just accept this is real and stop pushing it away??? this is getting ridiculous xd
@@weekek lol! I posted previously too. f me....
@@weekek Hahahaha I am happy to see systems with a sense of humor. Ny goood friend I can pretty much tell jokes about anything.I know I can sure use it
Yes totally, I live for this channel, in the midst of the nightmares and mountains of dis belief
I was diagnosed two years ago with DID at 47. My whole life has been horribly traumatic and i've known forever something was horribly wrong. I cut, was severely anorexic, was suicidal. I was hospitalized for three years in a teen residential institution but never knew what was wrong. I only remembered bits of my sexual abuse history. In the last eight or so years i became more aware of the abuse bubbling up. I came to know i was forced at three and four to be part of a pedophile group of men and women committing sadistic ritual abuse. I was incested by my mom, other family members, authority figures and a family friend. I had suppressed all of that. My family was "perfect" so i must be crazy and bad to think i was abused. It wasn't until hints of proof started coming out that i began to believe myself. Even then i thought DID looked like Sybil which wasn't me, so even though i had profound depersonalization and profound blocks of both past amnesia and day to day amnesia i had no idea it was DID. How do you know your brain is different than other people when you've only lived in that brain? It was only when a counsellor trained in severe dissociation started working w me that she diagnosed me. Half of me didn't believe her and half of me knew that for the first time in five decades everything made sense. Its traumatic to be diagnosed w DID, you're afraid you're a freak. But in the last two months i've been working online w a wonderful counsellor who understands, is experienced w DID and tremendously compassionate. It is terrifying to share the details of my abuse but maybe for the first time ever, there could be hope.
I had to look to make sure my name wasn't attached to your comment. That I didn't write it. Do you ever find things written in comments you don't remember writing. You kind of write my life story except I'm 60. What you wrote is exactly what is going on for me. And what my life has been as well. Thanks.
i had no idea it was DID. How do you know your brain is different than other people when you've only lived in that brain?" your quote says it all best of wishes in all that you do
So, is it possible that a person has been living with DID without actually knowing it or even people around them? Not noticing major memory losses or any time gaps. Is it possible that these alters can somehow front and “pretend” to have the same identity or just play an influential role in the individual’s life?
Jean Carlo I think it is possible, yes. So many people have the “I thought everyone was like this” feeling.
thats exactly how it goes for the majority of people with DID. most people's alters mimic the host to avoid detection because if it was obvious to the people around, that would draw a lot of attention and likely stir up chaos in their life. DID is a covert disorder, most of the time. for the people whose alters make themselves known, it can lead to losing friends, family judging you, being called possessed, awkardness at work, and so on. so a lot of people, their alters know that and stay under the radar out of self preservation.
Okay… it’s like this… I wasn’t aware of ANYTHING until I happened to be in a class where the subject of the paper I was supposed to write was about me growing up. Anyway, I wrote it. In the paper I apologized for the bits and pieces. I also remember saying that I also wasn’t sure what order some things happened in. The professor eventually asked me what the first thing I remembered was. After telling her, she referred me to an EMDR therapist. Well, that never happened. This is all against a background of YEARS of tx by various people for various reasons. Eventually, I was in a single therapy appointment, and evidently, I dissociated. I remember being unable to speak or see and being aware that I was feeling someone else’s pain… and a lot of PAIN. I never went back. Fast forward a few years, and I’m being seen by yet another person. He actually saw a switch. He started talking about it, and he insisted that he had witnessed this. Anyway, he was fired bc of his really lousy emotional boundaries. Before I fired him, I was calling around, trying to find someone else. That’s when an MD called me. She was in her car, it was safe. Anyway, I don’t know if the diagnosis is official or not, but I’ll tell you, it’s been pretty strange. Im finding out a lot. Things are either happening for the first time, or I didn’t notice before. So, I turned 60 in May. Go ahead, tell me I’m crazy!
@@susancharles4173 thank you for ur post. my retirement has been a very exciting adventure... trying to get treatment
@@susancharles4173 You are crazy! lol
I started trauma therapy recently, and that's when I first learned that what I experience is dissociation. Since starting trauma work, I feel so unsettled. Is that normal when starting therapy, to dissociate a lot more than usual, and if so, when does that settle down? I don't know if I have DID or osdd, but my brain and personality feel all over the place since trying to pry into my trauma memories. Will my disassociation be less when I'm cured from my traumatic past experiences? I hope this makes sense. I don't know how to ask the questions I'm feeling.
Rachelle O the guidelines for working with people who dissociate state that trauma work should only take place when the person has been effectively stabilised. These may be worth discussing with your therapist.
Thank you for a great video and Rachelle, I feel the same way. I’ve been in therapy for all all kinds of symptoms due to a lifelong history of many traumas and abuse - narcissistic, domestic violence, sexual molestation, suicide death of a loved one, had unexplained physical symptoms ( non epileptic seizures and pain and temporary paralysis of my leg ) . Memory problems, dissociation ( learned about it last year during therapy ) . Voices in my head and feeling very conflicted, confusion about my sexuality (it’s complicated ) and many more . Now that I read about the symptoms, I am somehow connecting the dots. My therapist as I understand from what you’re saying, has been stabilizing me for the past 1,5 half and recently started working on trauma. I’ve been recalling disturbing events ( triggered by current situations ) from the past that I had completely forgotten about. They were buried deep. My therapist mentioned I have developmental trauma and cptsd ( and I have diagnosed adhd, anxiety and depression) . I don’t remember things (just yesterday I asked my friend if she was divorced yet and she told me she had told me that and that for sure she did because “who else would I tell” she said and I had no recollection . I don’t recognize people (like at work , someone recently said we’ve met and I didn’t have any idea that we had ) . I could go in forever. I had asked my therapist one day if she thought I had borderline because some symptoms matched for me and she said I didn’t. There’s borderline in my family though. I was told I was a liar when I don’t lie. I was told I was acting like a child (or that I am so childlike sometimes) or that I’m so aloof . Been told and felt like the total opposite , when I felt I wanted to just disappear . I have flashbacks, sometimes nightmares, problems with sleep, general exhaustion, my mind is like a chatterbox . I’m really confused and lost but I want answers. This is just recently that I’m kind of putting it all together and it makes sense to me . Should I ask my therapist ?
@@BellaBella-rx4op yes!! One day at a time babe
Or you ve had it absolutely negatively reinforced into you do not ask for help no one will believe you why are you the only one who saw that, didnt cope etc years and years of denial, in therapy and i disociate so quietly and sneakily i have no idea im not even present until i get home later scratching my head i do feel i have something going on and i do worry about it.
Clicked on this video to convince myself that I dont have DID and dont fit the normal denial experience....... then you said for example you might not remember anything from the ages of 6-9 and that isnt normal.... I dont really remember anything from before I was 18.... I have some vague memories of places and people but not really any solid memories especially not any from 6-14ish ..... it's still hard for me to admit that I have had trauma even though when I speak about the parts I do remember people normally give me that omg look... anyway thanks for the video we appreciate the info and hopefully can stop doubting ourself.
I just want to thank you for taking the time to make these videos. They are invaluable and have been my go to when trying to help loved ones understand this disorder. Just incredibly useful to have this information laid out by a professional on an array of topics and easily accessible. Thank you so very much!
You are so welcome, glad they are useful!
I was diagnosed at age 52 or 53 (timelines are challenging for me 😊).in In retrospect, I realize my mom had to die before parts emerged. She and the organization she associated with were my primary torturers (Although some fronted on and off, and I was unaware of it). It’s complicated!
My system and I have noticed that whether it be medication or substances, the effects change depending on who’s out or near the front. This includes seroquel, a medication that sedates the body. And often times right when I’m about to go to bed the teenage and child alters jump out of bed to scavenge the kitchen around midnight or later. And I have chronic pain/fatigue from various health conditions, which also vary in intensity depending who’s out. Some days I can’t get out of bed and another will take over, or even more than one, and I get flashes of memory. We’ve heard some systems have different health issues or skills, but the medication/substance one really has our mind boggled.
how does that happen? I could of sworn I saw someone on live journal once say they drank at a party, got drunk, but a system member fronted and drove home.
My first admission to a psychiatric hospital was at 18, finally assessed and diagnosed with DID at 45. I've been with a DID therapist for 5yrs now but it took me over a year to even accept that I have DID, i think it was our way of staying dissociated from the trauma. To accept DID is to accept that you've been through horrific trauma. Coming out denial is terrifying but it let's the healing begin
This is so validating and you answer so many questions. It really struck a chord when you said having a child can trigger more awareness that something is going on. Thank you for your insights and support.
My emotions and mental health went to crap after my son (3rd birth, 2nd live birth) was born. I got so triggered in his birth and all of my traumatic childhood memories started coming back. 😑 It’s been two years of emotional and mental hell for me along with flashbacks, nightmares, dissociation, and panic attacks.
Thank you so much, Dr. Lloyd. I am just discovering my parts and coming to terms with my diagnosis. I am going to share some of these videos with my loved ones. Hopefully they will help them to understand what I am experiencing and what I have experienced in the past to bring me to the place I am now
natalierose78 I really appreciate the comment, thank you. The channel is really here to do exactly this, help people come to terms with different aspects of dissociation and be able to discuss with others in a meaningful and respectful way.
Thank you so much for this video, it was incredibly useful for me. I was diagnosed half a year ago, denying it ever since, but luckily having an amazing therapist who does not push me in any kind of way, discussing my denial over and over again in a validating and understanding way. I finally got access to old journals a few weeks ago of when I was a teenager, diagnosed with BPD and a lot of other things at this time in my life after a suicide attempt, self harm, eating disorders and other issues. Reading my journals just made painfully clear to me that I had absolutely no idea of experiencing severe flashbacks, dissociation and alters at that time and even long before. Reading about all I've experienced in my teens and even being able to recognize some alters makes denial impossible in the last few days. It's an incredibly painful process to become aware of and to accept having DID, not because of the symptoms in the first place but because of all this horrendous trauma over decades that caused it. Thankfully, there are people like you who don't let us who suffer alone, who really want to be there and offer help. Thank you for doing your work the way you do, I'm sure this really means the world to the individuals you work with!
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am truly humbled to read this, and am grateful to be able to help others in your position. I wish you every success in your therapy journey!
Sending you love!
I moved out of my parents house and into my first tiny apartment. That’s when I came across stacks of writing. I remembered writing… anyway, it was Soooo painful to read, I just threw it all out. Now, 40 years later, I occasionally think about “if I could read them again…”
Anyway, the first decision was taken.
I am reassured by your calm and accepting attitude.
More and more I think I may have DID, but... well, kinda hard to really know when my whole life my parents told me "it's all in your head". I think that right now I'm in one of those "safe periods" where the mind allows symptoms to be less deniable. I don't want to self diagnose or whatever, but somethings definitely "wrong'" and whatever it is this seems like the most logical conclusion. I hope to get a therapist or psychologist soon, I don't want to waste this good period by not trying to get some form of help
Thanks Dr. Mike. Another great video.
i was diagnosed at 44years old.. i became homeless....my therapist saw it
I'm only 25. And I'm not in a safe place... but I still worry I have this issue, or OSDD. It's scary. I want to ask my therapist about it. But sometimes I'm a different me in therapy, so I can't. And besides... what if my therapist isn't nice about it?
Denial ended when I got to the point that we could no longer tolerate the same old. When we opened up to trusting a healthy person and asked for help.
The day I realized all of these things it hurt a lot but over time acceptance was like having a several ton block being lifted off of my head. Keep going through your treatment and you will make it. Don't give up no matter how much your mind and body wish to go back to the unhealthy methods of coping. You will make it.
I used to believe the truama I remembered was just a "bad day." Even if it hurt and it was obviously affecting me, I just kinda believed it was like tripping on the sidewalk, it hurt, but there was no term affect, right? I wasn't gonna end up having knee problems. Then I realized that's not really how things go, cause just because I ignored it forgetting it (sometimes it felt like I would try to push things deep down, like I was waiting for an alter to just take the pain away.) Magically made everything go away.
I wish I could be open re my DID at work but sadly I’m a clinician and there’s a great deal of stigma (despite my ability to function). Nice video 🙂
well that is too bAD. sOMEONE WITH did WILLING TO BE OPEN. THEY ARE MISSING OUT. i WOULD BE THERE
You have such a keen insight into this experience. I sensed I had "co-conscious MPD" as i read "First Person Plural" in my early 40's. I mentioned this to a few counselors but it wasn't picked up on until I was 52. I had years where one personality dominated. Then another one would come out and dominate for a couple of years. Is that also common?
Well that makes certain events of my life make more sense now, I only wish I was kinder to myself during those times when things surfaced or resurfaced instead of beating myself up over it.
Can a person with DID have an alter that when become present he forgets all the other alters and just be in that one alter and only stops being that alter when he is triggered or of exhaustion? For example one switches into an alter and forgets having friends, having family, forgets to pay bills, forgets to go shopping, ..?
At nearing 50 I'm now being diagnosed as DID , along with being autistic, also diagnosed late in life (at 46).
Thank you.
Believe it or not, some therapists do listen to ppl like us with disbelief and go on to gaslight us.
I'm having a moment. My psychologist brought up structural dissociation after hearing of the trauma and obvious massive holes in my memory reaching from childhood through present day. I didn't know what that was but when i realized it I just kind of... I don't know... wandered away from the research I'd typically dig into. Then she brought up IFS. When we had our first session focused on that I thought I did it wrong because the 'parts' aren't buried. I know them and what they're like and what their purpose is. I decided to use different colored ink to have a conversation with them in my journal and I was so proud lol "is this what you mean?". Hahaha holy shit ahhhh
I was diagnosed as schizophrenic but i never really felt it was the correct diagnosis. I became aware of my alters 5 months ago, im 38. I always wonder why im not aware of the symptoms before? This video made me understand more. Thank you. Once i started to know 1 alter, more alters started revealing themselves. I met 7 so far, i started writing all of them in a journal. Its weird because since i found out, i am more aware of the symptoms like switching, co-con, dissociation. And im starting to connect all the dots. Some days im just happy that finally everything is clear but some days its so overwhelming i breakdown especially with bad alters threatening to reveal the memories, i just dont want to remember, im so scared im not ready yet. There are some alter who i really love and som makes me laugh out loud with the way they communicate indside the headspace. This video is a great help for us. Thanks
I think one extra thing if it hasn't been stated already is the fact that knowing you are having symptoms is hard to recognize when it's your normal, and even when you realize it isn't, communicating symptoms can be tricky or impossible. I went to therapy for YEARS before even hearing the word dissociation. I knew something was wrong, I kept trying to ask for help, but no one was able to help me, so the wool was kept over my eyes because even in professional settings, it wasn't safe and we didn't know how to get to where we needed to go.
Kept quiet all my life. Pretended like nothing. But you describe me. Have a functioning job, friends. But know that I owe a lot. But when I have difficulties is in certain types of love relationships. I myself have stood there as a spectator when it was as if something took over my body and acted. This has caused me to avoid love relationships. Because I don't know what's going on. Just that all of a sudden I'm inside like an energy and something inside me takes over. I don't have a diagnosis..This took 48 years.To get here.
Yours so far is the only comment I can relate to. It’s so subtle until you’re out in a anxious pressurised situation (of which you might not be aware of) and yeah out it comes
i am a multiple and diagnosed with did 4 years ago. i am 73 years old. i listen to you explain and clarify this disorder. some of what you makes sense others i have to stop and maybe maybe try later. thank you for trying to help me understand.
our day started real bad today but with all our efforts we put in and now this and our wee conversation it ends on a good note. this makes us real happy as it shows all our hard work is paying off and the patterns cycles are changing. we live by the cycles of the moon too! no more now promise lol
Would you have any safe true resources for us to be diagnosed here in the US. We know what we have but are worried we will not be believed or mis diagnosed. We can’t go through that again and really looking for a place to truly get diagnosed.
Our body is African American, and we have had awful time with ant form of diagnosis’s in life
Thank you for being supportive and validating the myriad of ways systems can find out about themselves. We're an old system, and it is only recently with our latest host that we've started engaging with the community. So thank you for being a bastion of knowledge the community can learn from and be heard by.
A few of us are curious. What is your take on how systems evolve and change as they move through different phases of life?
Flash backs for me - my brain could no longer deny my childhood. My abuser apologized via text message, it was documented - so my brain couldn’t deny it and tuck it away, flashbacks controlled me, I was having full conversations I didn’t remember (which is why I opt for text messages over a phone call). I thought I had an evil side, but what I had was alters storing their own trauma. And yes, we had to wait until we felt safe. ❤
Spot on as a new traumatic event makes the alters come out without trying to hide.
I have just been diagnosed and I am really scared. I go to therapy 2 times a week and I'm trying to figure out all out. Idk. I'm just lost
Same. Recently it all fell apart. I have known and been hiding it for a long time. It's coming out that my current treaters knew but didn't force me to face it till I couldn't deny it to them or to myself anymore. They had already had experiences with others and I thought I did such a good job of denying or hiding or neglecting things inside. I'm reading madly online and scared as well. I'm very afraid to find out more memories that I just don't want to know. I have lots of memories but they feel very far away, don't feel like mine. That's what tipped off a therapist. After decades of poor treatment, the healing finally begins.
You are still You. You've been this way your entire life. The only thing that has changed is your realization of how your brain has kept you alive.
Well... That's what my Therapist says to me anyways. She also tells me not to "overthink" it.
I was amazed to discover someone else fronted through most of my life.
It's all so Confusing....53 newly diagnosed.
Thank you, this has been very helpful.
When I was little I didn't recognize that anything was the matter, even though I spent a lot of time hiding - behind chairs, behind bushes. I just thought it was fun to hide and space out. But when I was social, I never even thought about the hiding part. Suddenly, at home, the urge to hide would come upon me and I'd follow it. When I was hiding I didn't want to ever come out. But I was totally happy when I was out and about, playing with friends. I didn't know that my avoidance of my mom meant anything. Then as a teen, I was intruded on by all these daydreams during school and I could no longer focus ... and I had no idea when I was the social part that I was observing myself and taking notes on myself as this other "noticing" part. When I had this "breakdown," I turned into the "hiding" part in everyday life, but my social part thought I was only pretending to do this. Then I was institutionalized for 8 years and the place I ended up in punished the part that wanted to stay hidden, that tried to hide all day in the corner of any room, that screamed because she was so afraid. But I only know now that she was afraid. Back then I just thought, when I did think, that I was being this terrible girl for no reason at all. The staff began taking me into the "playroom" to punch me into eating more food. I got punched and punched. Then the terrible girl went back inside. The observing part noticed the social part didn't know how to function anymore. She just sat there and didn't talk. In the past, before going into the institution, the social part had wanted to connect to the outer world ... I think this is because my older sister was very kind to me, even though she was little too. But after being in this institution I was too afraid to connect anymore so he took over - the observer talked through me.
By modeling social behavior, I helped the social part to act social again. She thought she was getting better because of the staff. Hardly, it was me helping her.
I had no idea about the observer. I thought I was just getting "better" because of what the place was doing for me and because I had decided to stop being so terrible. So 20 years later when the observer spoke up to this therapist (who asked if there might be another voice who wanted to speak), then I was so SHOCKED. I had completely forgotten about getting hit. I thought the people in that place were wonderful at nurturing me, that they had tolerated my monstrous, terrible behavior and helped me get better. I didn't know about trauma or how trauma might look in a child, so I just thought that for no reason I caused terrible problems for these people. But it took me many years even after knowing about the observer who kept trying to explain everything to me, how this could have happened to me. We grew up with totally different perceptions of this one life. I still feel like I"m living with a stranger inside. He knew about the hitting and did his best to get us out of there. I thought I loved the director who hit me, forgot that she hit me, and was eternally grateful to her. The observer thought she was an idiot. I think I might literally be two or even three different people. We've spent too much time experiencing life so differently, how can we ever be the "same" person???? Is there a way?
there is def stigma for sure - a major death in my life brought me to therapy
I have been reading on Twitter that some DID systems, as adults can make new personalities whenever they want because as a child their brain split...that it is a learned technique and can be used to make new alters if you need them as an adult ..They are calling their new "personalities, Source Collectors. Can you explain this? I feel it is rubish....
I wouldn’t say ‘whenever they want’, that doesn’t match with what I see in clinic. New parts can be formed under great new duress, but the brain does it, not the conscious self, that would be different.
@@thectadclinic thank you for your reply. and your observations, I respect you and your channel a great deal.
This is a major video of significance for me. Very very intense and very needed to acknowledge what it is that happens within me. Thankyou for it!!
You are a diamond discovery. My husband has all the symptoms of Structural Dissociation and the traumatic childhood that supports what's happening to him. I cannot find him a therapist in Houston, TX to help him and he's in a Schizoid phase, living apart from me and closing all intimacy and emotional communication out of his life. Our marriage is devastated. Your videos are so helpful for me. I've shared them with my husband but I don't know if he'll watch. He's self aware but there is still denial happening and I can't be the one to talk with him as I'm now associated with his childhood traumas.
WE have ZERO intimacy in any way. Only text and the occasional talk mostly logical task related. I almost checked out from the craziness and not understanding for a year and a half. HERE'S MY REQUEST: Make a video series for the Spouses of people who have DID, real DID from CEN/Childhood Abuse/Enmeshment, etc. He also scored extremely high for Alexithymia, has anger phobia, fear of all emotions, and the more intimate, the more he shuts down. Physical symptoms like trembling, becoming so hypo-aroused that he lays down and falls asleep, slurs his words (sounding confused, disoriented, not able to follow a basic sentence) and because I tell one alter what's happening who listens but then another alter is present when I try to bring it up (protective alter who doesn't allow the core personality or other alters to be aware of the whole truth), it's impossible to have any emotional or psychological conversation, even with proof (recordings, videos, letters in his handwriting).
I have distanced myself and grieved the loss of my husband when "he" went completely away and I haven't "talked" to the man I married in over a year. I can recognize when he switches alters IN MID SENTENCE and as an Empath, Intuitive, it's jarring when someone's energy print switches that fast. I was terrified for the first year and a half. It wasn't until my thousands and thousands of hours of study began to connect dots, which led to more awareness, more dots, more conclusions, and here I am writing you. I interviewed a handful of therapist but they didn't know half of what I knew about the issues he's dealing with. I want a diagnosis.
I know this is a comorbid issue and it's hard to tell what drives the other that causes the other, what can be healed/helped, what is permanent, and he has resigned to the belief that if I stay married to him, he will never be able to show emotion or intimacy and this is the way he is (forever). I don't buy into that. I believe there's an alter or two or three who are complacent and feel safe leveraging some of these personality constructs like Alexithymia and the DID disorder and etc. as reasons nothing has to change.
I feel I'm being pushed out and have been for many months. It hurts to walk away from the many I fell in love with and knew for 10 years before dating 2 and then eloping. All of this began 2 months married. He's doing what he can to learn on his own with an alternative therapist who has taught him a parts integration process that is a fast track which is why his personality shattered 2 mo married. She's taking him too fast through this and now he knows how to do this "parts integration" by himself and has been for YEARS but he's gotten more into his coping behaviors from trauma than away. He is not resistant to getting help. He'll try to make excuses such as we can't afford it but I'll zap that by changing our financial situation and contributing. I've got to get him out of his trauma cocoon that he doesn't see or doesn't talk to me about so I experience his distance as neglect and feeling rejected yet I believe this is less true the more I learn. I can't just abandon him w/o finding an experienced doctor in this kind of mental illness who can really help. Solutions solutions, helping him believe that there IS hope, that he's not stuck this way in life (he's 47). We were only together 2 years married of which at least 12 months were apart (he abandoned the marriage twice rather than sitting down w me and facing our conflicts. I understand now why that was impossible, but it triggered MY abandonment issues on an epic level and I'm still healing from the surfaced wounds from my childhood)
An entire blog should be dedicated to the Spouse and educating the Spouse. I wish we could work with you. Please consider the blog for Spouses. Please let me know if I can get in touch with you. Video therapy. I have enough data to show you what's happening and you'll see it on a video session. We were both multi-six figure educated professionals, called a "Power Couple" by our friends. We had it all in our hands to create the most incredible life. I at least want answers from a doctor/therapist who specializes in this and I know he does too.
A problem found with some early diagnosis for disorders like DID is due to denial and amnesia making a big part of the disorder, it can be hard to tell if someone's denial is because they have the disorder, or because they don't and the symptoms/diagnosis don't quite fit.
I've been told basically 'if you think DID fits, and a therapist/psychiatrist believes it also fits then it most likely does, even if that's hard to believe'. Though that statement can also be hard to accept with denial.
Another great vid.
Being shown the crew is real and acknowledging was a good point. My partner struggles with that a lot and I can only imagine how hard it is. Especially after the years of different diagnosis. I think she may be visiting your clinic at some point.
Please keep the vids coming, they are very helpful
Interesting session, thanks Mike!
Oh gosh. Just found you here last few days. I’m almost 58 and kinda know this is true of me but can’t get or feel safe no matter what. There were some triggering events that really tripped me up and now feel so messed up. God help me.
Hello hello lhere, now I know at age 75. You are so helpful - Mike - and all the community. Thank you so much! We got Therapy, too. :)
Thank you, and we’ll done!
This was such a refreshing and validating video! Thank you for saying so many things I already felt I knew and confirming them. It was incredibly healing.
The thing is, I would most definitely lose my job if anyone knew that I struggle with dissociation. I've tried my way to explain my episodes due to "an experience of violence", but neurotypical people don't even know what PTSD is, let alone cPTSD or dissociation. I couldn't even tell that it's been events in my childhood, because the reaction usually is "Well, that's decades ago, get over it!", and since most people know DID in the form of Jekyll/Hyde or Split, they'd see me as unfit to fulfill my job had they any idea. So, pretending, masking, hoping that no heavy trigger comes along is my daily life, there IS no other way, that's reality. At least I understand it now, why I've always been living a life of constant stress and insecurity. Stress keeps me functional. As soon as I feel secure, everything falls apart. And I cannot afford that.