As an ESFJ, this video is painfully true. I constantly struggle with seeking other people's approval and I don't know what I want. I need the guidance from outside to make my decision.
@@marianocastro3430 When I was younger, I tended to take all criticism personally and was easily hurt by negative comments. But maturity comes and I’ve learned so much. I think that yeah I do fear rejection because that can lead to a lot of self blame
I’m an ESFJ and almost everything you mentioned was true for me in the past, but for the past 5 years I have matured as an ESFJ and am stress-free because I no longer hold those “contracts” (I gave people literal hell with those contracts), don’t judge people on appearance (as I no longer care about my appearance either), don’t seek confirmation from others anymore, etc. I encourage any of you ESFJ readers to mature - life has totally flipped into a positive and I don’t ever want to look back. If at any moment I get triggered, I try to shut it down ASAP! Btw... subscribed!
@@Patricia-im9iu It doesn't work that way. Your type is written into DNA. You can temporarily transition to your Subconscious, Unconscious, and Superego sides, but whatever your Ego is, that's your true personality. You can't change your personality type, but that isn't to say you can't grow and become more integrated with your lower functions. Your personality type isn't everything that you are. It is only the foundation. EDIT: Actually, I think I misspoke. It isn't exactly written into your DNA. It's more complicated than that. Chase explains it really well in this video at the 29:00 mark: ua-cam.com/video/aR47GfZA3-w/v-deo.html
Do you mind telling me how you have been able to mature? How did you stop needing confirmation? For me the happiest moments of my life was when I felt connected to other people. I feel like when I “care give” and Forget about covert contracts or “caretaking” well... I stop caring about people. I attract people who become very needy and demanding and I lose interest quickly. It’s just this odd dilemma I’m having and I’m wondering how you got past this
@@KrypticKiss18 i‘m not esfj but i think the key to stop needing confirmation is to start realizing that everyone lives their life for themselves and that you should give yourself the confirmation that you need because not everyone will treat you as good as you treat them. so you have to learn to avoid people who take advantage of you and that starts with loving yourself. and loving yourself is something that takes time and practice
Yeah, me too. But if you fail to give me any sort of gratification and care, I will torture myself over it yet not say anything for ages, avoid conflict while hating you and let our relationship die.
I'm so glad you're an INTJ who doesn't use Fe trickster as an excuse to be unappreciative and nasty. Good on you for giving some attention to overcoming your weaknesses. You're an inspiration!
Hey man. I've been binge watching your videos throughout the past few days. I have been having a lot of trouble with my self-worth and been reflecting quite a bit. I'm an ISTP that always felt like something was wrong or different with me with an ESFJ mom and an INTP dad. When I was a kid, my mom always told me to do things a certain way and it always ended up backfiring on me so I grew not to trust her. She would always want to care for me and make decisions that made me more hedonistic, while I just wanted to be left alone - still do. Watching this video has helped me realize that she's just the way she is, to let her be, to not ask them what they want all the time(big mistake I'd been inadvertantly making!) and showing them appreciation. Thank you for creating all this content and allowing those, such as myself, reflect and create more healthy relationships - it's a true blessing.
What was your dad thinking when he married your mom? No offence but intp and esfj is like a no no, I really just can't tolerate their illogical bs and it always gets on my nerves (I'm an intp).
My mother is a esfj and I am a intp. I love her to death but I don’t have much in common with her. I never understand what she wants or needs. She doesn’t really let me talk when she thinks she is right. EVEN IF I HAVE EVIDENCE. Though I really hope this video does help with our relationship. So thanks for making this I can tell you really do your research.
Yeah I noticed that too. It doesn't seem to be quite the same case with an INFP son and an ESFJ mom. We actually get along pretty well for the most part. It's probably because we're "golden" when it comes to our Hero and Inferior functions (and we also both have Si and Ne in common). But still, it's not exactly smooth sailing.
Josh Ward I pray yours works out. My ex was ESFJ and I’m an INFJ girl... he was a sweetheart but I kept feeling that something was wrong here. Like an extra depth was missing and our conversations were too shallow no matter how much I tried to deepen them.
Because indeep thinking actually is too much detail for esfjs it overwhelms them. Extroverts brain processing path way is shorter vs Introverts brain processing path way is longer giving them the time to think before speaking. Extroverts are good at taking risks and making fast immediate dicisions in the heat if the moment so too much information isnt necessary and clear cut instructions are prioritzed because their good at carrying out or implementing. ~hope it helps INFJ :P
@@jerad248 I am a INFJ girl and I believe my mom is an ESFJ. That is exactly how I feel. I always try to deepen our relationship, discuss deep spiritual things which she can do with me but I always bring them up, and she will be tired of if after 5 minutes and change the subject :D
As an ESFJ teen I criticize less on appearance and more on how much you are trying on something. Also it is ok to give us what we want because it can be beneficial, and it doesn’t backfire as much as you think. We can form decisions on our own too, but we like to hear other opinions as well so we can form a more informative opinion.
I just want to know why my ESFJ mom will go out of her way to get me things I tell her I don't want. (For the coronavirus she bought a bunch of canned food, I decided that because everything is calming down and we need to eat everything to not waste it that if I get the mood to tolerate some of it I will help eat it, I get in the mood to tolerate chili and can't find any, I ask her where the chili cans are, she shows me 20 cans of baked beans, I explicitly say that baked beans and chili are not the same thing, and tell her to NOT buy any chili, that I was only trying to help eat through our rations, and a week later she comes home with 20 cans of chili for me as a gift!?!?!?!?!??!?) (also I told her I don't like beans and that I get the chili without beans but the chili she bought had beans...) (this is just the most recent example, but it is like with literally everything all the time)
Stolid Liquid lol!!! Esfj mom here. In Japan with adult children in the US. I just sent my daughter a months worth of canned goods too lol! And she said she didn’t want to hoard food because others needed it... Also sent her TP which she ran out of because she didn’t want to hoard. Your mom loves you. ❤️❤️❤️ I don’t know why, but feeding people makes us feel like we are helping even if we are not🙃(although my girl is vegetarian and I did send food she would like...) she probably is just worried and figures if you run out of food, she is keeping you alive Bwahahaha!!! Just donate it. She won’t know lol
I became a bedridden ESFJ for 3 months several years ago so became obsessed with these channels. Maybe it's just me, but I don't try to understand the technicalities of the 16 personalities. Yet, I apply what I've learned every day as a pastor's wife. I find that I appreciate all people so much more than I used to, have tons more patience, and find every person absolutely fascinating. I also have started giving more freely, stopped making covert contracts in my head, and feel freed now to give without expectation. Our household is a pretty fun place, can you imagine an ENTP dad, ESFJ mom, INTP and ENFP young adult daughters. We actually have very little drama except when I flip out about dirty socks and a garage we can't walk through. Everyone in my family creates things while I wash dishes.🤣
I’m an INFP and I’m in a relationship with an ESFJ.. we are nurturing our relationship and it’s taken heed to eachothers very nature. A big factor for us is, we keep everything on the table. Communication is key for us. This is an almost 4month relationship. We just took the personality test this weekend.. It’s very amazing how much we’re learning about eachother and with eachother. I’m noticing how natural these needs are being met between the both of us. Being the empathetic , Gemini INFP, SEEMS TO MAKE THINGS (sorry for yelling) pretty interesting in his world. Bringing fun an laughter and help around his house. I’m a detail cleaner.. I’m messy too sometimes but I’m clean! Perhaps that sealed the deal? Haha Seriously though, he’s definitely helping me in return with being a bit more grounded and organized with a routine. He has a solid routine. And I am down for jumping in on occasion.Of course I’ll switch it up but keep it for what it is.. I’m thankful for the amounts of love he shows me.. I’ve never had a relationship like this.. The old me would have ran away fast. We have worked on the whole process being our own drama. Especially when it revolves around expectations. Those are the kind of things that we put out on the table.
Can I ask how are things going with you now ? Are you still together I'm in the beginning of this relationship with an ESFJ and I want to know please about the sexual relationship between you because C.S Joseph says it's not the best so I want to know If I'm not bothering
I'm an ESFJ but my best friend is an INTP, but he's my friend out of his own logical obligation I suppose. He can only reach my Ni through my trickster which I'm ignorant of. And I can only reach my Fi through his Demon. I doubt we could really be friends without integrating the shadow.
My mother is ESFJ and I am ENTP, we get along great but can’t ever have deep talks about logic. We relate well on a feeling sense because fe is her hero and it’s my child. My cousin is an Intp and has ESFJ mom too and they don’t get along well lol.
It feels to me like quite the opposite. ESFJ Fe hero comsumes Fi, which is demon of INTP. ESFT have Se critic and is keen about wearing 'apropriate' clothes etc. INTP have Se as their trickster. ESFT inferior is Ti which likes to make its point in the field of logic. INTP has Ti as their hero which needs to be always right and doesnt give Ti inferior much apriciation.
I remember Rachel/ Friends saying " why bad things happen to good people " or " why bad things happen to me " she is an awesome/funny representation of Esfj i think. As always great content Joseph Thanks.
ESFJ vs INTP : My dad is ESFJ and he's so caring, supportive, and understanding. He puts others before himself and had a lot of failed businesses but had a great career in banking as a manager, everyone loved and respected him. But I'm a female INTP, so he just can't understand how I can be stuck in my room for a long time without interacting with people, he think I'm depressed or why all my friends are males. Also he worries a lot all the time because I'm indecisive about my future . And we just can't discuss any subject, it just doesn't work. I, as an INTP, can't let him say or think illogical things but he just seems to not understand what I say, and ends the conversation with " take care". PS : He gets stressed watering the plants while for me it's an opportunity to think while being "active" and is so relaxing.
I'm an ESFJ from a family of extroverts, and when my husband and I were first married we lived with my in laws. My FIL would eat outside while we all ate inside, and I always felt bad. I decided one day to join him to make conversation and everyone looked at me like I had two heads. Took me a bit to figure out that he was a man who was such an extreme introvert that he was happiest when he was by himself. It boggled my mind. 😂
I am an INTP, my wife ESFJ. Been married for 21yrs. All good, but challenges aplenty, arguments legion, but today we are both well developed characters. My daughter is an INFP (we fight alot), my boy is ENTP (we get along great). Love your vids, you are an expert!
@@CSJoseph Its a very interesting topic (MBTI stuff)and has been the core of my focus for the last couple of months. Im still hazy on all the terms used, but getting there is half the fun. Understanding the types has greatly helped my with relationships, and I have even tested the social engineering types thing you teach - works like a charm. I watched your ISTP vid today and I find myself ticking all the boxes also, as with INTP. I have a very strong grasp on technical stuff, mechanics, creating things (woodwork, garden, running a renewable energy co) and being hands on. I was in a technical high school, after that did a 5year stint in Engineering (toolmaking/fitting & turning), then armed reaction just for the fun, then mobile electronics...until I fixed my gaze on renewable energy back in 2008. So, long story short. Can it be that I am INTP (as per test) but also ISTP. I seems compatible, at least in my weird case.
People see it as a weakness because they view it as if I don't take care of myself. Sadly overall, I don't take care of my own needs at times which can be a problem. That's my weakness.
C.S. Joseph I actually take back what I said about having Covert Contract. I actually do in two different ways. When I help others, I do expect them to pay it forward. But I realize when I help my family members, I expect their full support when it comes to my lifestyle and beliefs. I have helped my parents numerous times, but I don’t like it when they don’t me having friends who are blacks and owning dogs. I have to disown them completely.
I agree with having them in general life bit not with individuals. My care is typically (or has been) admittedly onesided. I don't like that, bit part of my rut is ok with that. Having been through 20 years of suffering at the hands of my husband definitely has matured me to understand that life isn't always reciprocal.
I get the covert contract tbh. I don't think it's because we want people to owe us but rather we want to avoid future guilt. Like... "Oh let me help this person as much as possible. That way if they ever try to make me out to be a bad friend, I have this list of things I did to not feel guilty/defend myself/have the person forgive me". Ironically, we feel guilty anyways lmfao
I'm impressed with every video you do! You have such a great grasp of psychology and sociology and how socionics really works. It's so nice to watch your video it's seriously relaxing and empowering at the same time. Thanks for taking the time to share your knowledge :)
As an ESFJ ( and yes CS Joseph i AM an esfj haha!) I think covert contracts for me can come from a place of feeling guilty about asking for help or needing someone to do something, particularly for me. Consequently, i try to justify in myself the need, whatever it might be, with a mental contract. Definitely a problem to work on.
It's funny when i remember arguing with my ESFJ mom about things that happened in the past (I'm INTP) it really becomes like a competition about who remembers things the best( Si child vs Si parent) and we really argue in detials about something that happened 2 or 3 and sometimes 6 years ago and she always keep remembering more details than i do lol
I have tested 3x as an ESFJ, in ‘98, ‘07 and again in 2014. I stumbled on my Myers & Briggs from ‘98 and started researching it and came across this. I really appreciate the fluidity of this. I’ve cut lots of folks out of my life because they have taken advantage. I do want to heard( I thought it was because I’m a woman😉, but maybe it’s “my day in court”). I sometimes think I make people feel awkward because I’ll literally give what I can to make someone better- and people don’t want to receive. I give and volunteer because that’s what I’m ment to do. I could care less where some shops( I shop at Walmart). This test is biased- we need to look at the history behind it to fully understand it and it’s implications on us as we relate to the entire world
I am a ESFJ and this is spot on! However, the older I get the more aware I am of the "negative" sides of my personality. When I was younger I definitely went for revenge when someone hurt me and was critical of others.... But I have completely changed those around...and probably because I got called out a time or two 😂 Great video! Thanks!
I am part of the ESFJ crew (Heyyyy...haha - no shame here) and I truly appreciate your video and how you broke everything down. Your video provided so much insight for me! It will be watched again! :) Again, thank you so much! Now, let get back to saving the world.....haha :)
My mother is an ESFJ. I'm an ENTJ (female). I'm 20,000 miles away from her and we're still clashing nearly every time we talk to each other. eg: My grandmother came to visit her and wanted something from her. My mother knows she shouldn't be letting her manipulate her but my mother still goes to see my grandmother. I told her to not go. not be manipulated for the hundred time, but she still goes saying and I quote "I'm just testing her if she's gonna try and manipulate me again" then she gets manipulated. She's then unhappy, comes complaining to me. I told her to not go. I get angry and then she turns on me and starts criticizing me on how I'm always getting rid of people so fast, that I'm cold and insensitive, or she will start manipulating me and shout at me how my attitude will get me in trouble with others. Well, as long as I'm not making the same mistake over and over again like her, I'm sure I'll be ok. I seriously don't know how to talk to her. Afterwards, I apologize even if it wasn't my fault. She never apologizes back. She's always right (in her mind). I'm really thinking it best if I just stop bothering myself.
I just watched the ESFJ virtue and vice video. Yes, that's pretty much what she does. yesterday, I had a call from a mutual friend of my mother and I and asked me to talk to my mother because she's crying and so on. She literally used that friend to ask me to call her when she could have just called herself. All of a sudden, she's the elder and I'm the daughter so I must call her. Where did that come from? I didn't get that rulebook when she gave birth to me. I love her to bits. I'm asserting her intelligence all the time. She helped with hundreds of stuff on my startup and came up with incredible ideas when I got stuck. I'm not very healthy with the family because they tend to look for drama and I don't have time for that, so I just cut them out until there is a very important celebration going on then I would connect with them (warily). She also has an amazing aesthetic sense and her house is a mix between Roman sculptures and "1001 nights" furniture pieces (A harp is standing in the hall please...) she's a financial director but spend money like crazy (just bought an apartment because it's cheap at the moment. what you don't know is, she just started the construction of another house and didn't even finish it yet.) I made a comment about her being great at managerial accounting and she knows the rules of a great company. It's better to have cash flow in than out... I received a death stare.
I'm INTP, Just broke up with ESFJ yesterday. Sadly after the tragedy, I feel free. If only he respect my me-time and not disturbing too much, I would be so much in ease.
It's good that you are emphasizing the Jungian archetypes, the best method of analysis for the typology system. It's been a hot minute since I've admitted to myself I'm an ESFJ, basically because they're characterized as stupid and I consider myself an avid intellectual, poet, musician. But, yes, my incredible fucking ability to bond with INFPs has been. Particularly with Si/Ne and the sexual craft, read Lana Del Rey. I'm also staunchly leftist, and consider myself inherently rebellious. Not exactly the stereotypical ESFJ. But, yes, it's eerily accurate. I have a distinction between what I should do and what I want to do, I've had to, because what I want is so often astray from what I need.
If my ESFJ husband had a motto it would be “What should I?” What should I do? What should I wear? What should I eat? What snare drum should I use on the gig tonight? Um, really? Where it really gets comical is at movie time. Neither one of us will choose a damn movie because he doesn’t really know what he wants to watch, and I (INFP) wanting be fair and considerate think we should decide together. Often it comes down to rocks, paper scissors 😂
LOL I love this. I'm an ESFJ and my husband is an ISTJ, the most logical of all the MBTI. When we go out and do stuff it's hard to choose, because I want to accommodate him while he is trying to concoct a 12 step action plan for dinner and a movie. Usually we start planning a day ahead, although since we first got together he has gotten better at flying by the seat of his pants.
This is my mom. EXHAUSTING. At least people with F can relate to the obligation aspect, since they speak the same love language. These are the kind of people who stay at the same job for all of their adult lives. They LOOOVE bureaucracy and ceremony. A lot of office managers seem to be ESFJ. Can't stand'em! They're not solution-oriented and love politics, so as long as it's a business that's all about busy work and putting in face time and kissing ass, everyone's happy.
I’m an INTJ female and I had no idea why this ESFJ male seemed to like me so much. This video helped me understand that to an extent. I did ask him lots of questions and listened to him but then I concluded that I didn’t like him - but he won’t leave me alone even though I told him we are not compatible.
Janus Cycle eh, since I first posted that things got complicated. We are Friends with benefits I guess. Although he wants more. As an INTJ I feel so disconnected from him sometimes. He is a sweetheart though! And I’ve grown to care very deeply for him.
ahh, all the mentioned scenarios (good and bad) in this video already happened with me (ISFP) and my bf (ESFJ). His SE critic focuses on his time management, and I like my days filled w/ spontaneity, we sometimes fight about it. We also had issues before on how he can handle the trauma that I always talk about to him since I don't directly tell him on what he should do about it. after I told him that I just wanted him to listen, I got surprised on how much he thanked me. This is a great video. This resembles a lot about him. this made my heart warmer.
As an evolutionary trait, I guess SFJs males and females are "tuned" to perfection to be caregivers/caretakers -> more offsprings and greater chances of them growing up healthy. Kinda of a self fulfilling prophecy, I guess. They instantly know if the kids are feeling alright and are safe and protected.
Such an awesome video Chase. I had my mom take a MBTI test, she came out as ESFJ. She seemed similar to myself but, also different. (Im INFJ as far as I can tell, might have you type me in the near future.) The covert contracts, not doing their dishes or it takes their sense of purpose, always asking what you want, she does all of that all the time. Having high standards on people at her work, and on herself. She would always pick hairs and stuff on my shirt and made sure I was clean and kept lol. Also walmart.. ripping on how people dress. Also giving her your time and listen to her.. day in court. Alot of this lines up well with her.
Being an INTP asking your ESFJ boyfriend "do these cloths look good? Do they work? I look presentable right? Only for them to say "you look beautiful in anything and everything" He misses the point. 😂😂😭😭
Well, be fair. Coming from almost any woman, those words are a signal to take cover. They don't really want to know; I don't understand why they ask. I'm an INTJ. This kind of thing mystifies me.
@@SJaye-zv9er ah fair point. Context was that I was going out to a formal event and I haven't had anything "formal" so I was pulling through tons of casual stuff trying to mix and match because it was important. If it wasn't for a specific event I'm not overly bothered and would have bascically thrown on anything. Though I wanted his actual opinion opposed to his personal attraction. I didn't want him to tell me I look good because he wants to make me feel better. I wanted an objective opinion so that I could understand exactly what it is I either needed to work on, or what I got right. Maybe I'm being contradicting, hard to say really.
@@matthewridgway2914 haha thanx. It was some time back before I got into MBTI. Admittingly I found the differences in him fascinating and I suppose because of that we didn't aknowladge all the small differences in values until later down the road.
@@matthewridgway2914 very understandable indeed. At the time by which I dated that individual I'd just lost a family member which meant the world to me. Having that mental and emotional confusion I do believe I rebounded on the first person that provided me the most comfort and security. He was a good person despite our conflict in values and inability to satisfy the other without sacrificing many of our own needs. It wouldn't have worked, I doubt I went into it expecting it would either. These days I don't think I even seek a partner, I never really did. I'm open to someone coming into my life, but ultimately I don't want to be dependant on the individual I find. I wonder what type would be My most suited lol. I assume you've been very selective with your mates? ("mates" sounds so primal lol)
@@matthewridgway2914 haha yes! Us brits say it very often 😂 I feel as though I need to work on myself a lot more before I even consider a new mate. Mostly due to the fact I feel incompetent as to "what I want" I know the things I want to feel when I'm in a relationship, however I don't know how I'd get them or what I'd be looking for specifically. There's the option of experimentation but that takes mental energy and ultimately I'd like to take it seriously. I've found myself attracted to my opposite type just a little too often for comfort 😅 INTJ or my fellow INTP's sound appealing, But I'd fear that it may become competitive in discussions around disagreements. Two strong minded individuals that dislike confrontation is both an interesting and terrifying concept lol. Feelers sound easier because I find them far easier to navigate given the "right words/phrasing" yet again, I don't want to have to go that method of stepping on eggshells. So i think I need to work on myself before getting with another. Understand what it is I truly need/want before I open the doors too wide. Maybe get some advice from my fellow INTP females, as generalised advice is far from my field of relatability.
My friend is an ESFJ and he would always say yes to people who would ask him to take their shifts because they had some personal issue. So he ended up working all this overtime while he was in school full time, and he ended up failing his class. After he failed, his work ended up replacing his job with a piece of technology, and they fired him in an email. He didn't understand how he lost his job and failed his class when he was doing what he thought was right, by helping people who needed him. He thought he was going to be rewarded for doing the right thing. Which is pretty much what you were talking about. It amazes me! That's not how the world works! I think he learned his lesson now? But it seems like the hardest lesson for him because he is addicted to self-sacrifice.
Lets be original : Nope im just another intp with an esfj dad looking to fix a relationship that isnt working. We dont hate each other, but i wish we understood each other better, and simply had more chemistry.
I’m an ESFJ, and my T/F are super close. I’m a stickler for “only one chance to make a good first impression,” i’m not a label person, and if you shop somewhere and find a bargain, good for you. I respect someone who spends their money wisely versus impulsively. people who can prioritize. If someone ripped their pants, I’d privately let them know to not make a scene and not have them suffer. I have shopped at Walmart, so I don’t agree with that. I’ve gotten better at seeing guilt trips and calling them out. I sometimes know what I want, sometimes I don’t. I’m darn good at saving money, but not watching the stock market. If you don’t hear what I have to say, discredit my opinion, look out - I will take pleasure to make you suffer! I don’t like having to deal with my feelings, but I’ve taken it upon myself to get back into Si so that I can communicate feelings and not go into the loop.
As an ESFP my best friend is ESFJ and she drives me nuts with that approval seeking. Like i am a people pleaser and an approval seeker as well but she is on another level...like she doesn’t go to gym because there are many people there and doesn’t want them to make fun of her. She doesn’t wear that because x will think like that. She cares so much about whether teachers like her or not. I’m like screw it. I’ll keep talking during classes who cares if they’ll see me uneducated. She freaks out a lot about whether people like her or not. I mean i care a lot about others people opinions but at the same time in the end I’ll value my own opinion over others. And my ESFJ friend cares a lot about not being gossiped. Whenever she tells me what x told about me i’m like”Ok. If they didn’t bother to tell me in face than it wasn’t important in the first place. And i definitely won’t lose sleep over that.”
Ohhhh! My daughter tested as an esfj in her university's business program. She's the most intelligent person I know and confident in her intellect. She's never been easy to influence and will diverge from the crowd due to her own moral code. She does require a lot of guidance and feedback and can be oddly insecure given how accomplished, beautiful and brilliant she is. This gives her likeability I think because she appears so ideal but doesn't come off like she's aware how perfect she appears. There's a humility that's probably based in insecurity. She also has a terrible time making decisions. I thought she was an estp because of her athleticism, physicality and dare devil side. She also doesn't have to have plans for her day and is good with spontaneity so she can come off very estp in those ways. She's not in touch with emotions, hers or others😄. She takes care of herself before anyone else (not very esfj) and isn't self sacrificing except that she tends to not want to be a burden or worry for anyone so she can keep her worries inside. I think that's her way of being a caretaker, not being someone others have to struggle with or worry about. She's not a hands on "checking in on you" esfj. She's more concerned that you feed her on a regular schedule than if you've eaten.🤣 She has been a super easy, very dutiful child that just hasn't stepped a foot wrong. She's super reliable. She's very respected and well liked by everyone who knows her.
@@Tumi_2000 not necessarily many Esfjs who are well developed are like that and I think many Esfjs just know about themselves and weakness enough to improve themselves
INTP with a ESFJ Mother and Uncle; I have approached their Ti inferior in the worst ways possible. It is also hard for me to not criticize my ex-lawyer uncle who has that sense of smug superiority that I just love tearing down.
My neighbor absolutely must be an ESFJ. They moved in not too long ago and as I’ve gotten to know her the less I (INFJ) care for her. I find her constant talking at me without any interest to learn about me exhausting. I now see that is her Ti going on. It’s incessant. She also has very strict and rigid rules about how the world and people “should “ be. It’s interesting that you say they don’t always know what they want. When you combine that with their sense of needing to look more than presentable I’ve noticed my neighbor has started to copy me. She bought the exact same sunglasses brand is me. She bought the exact same color handbag that I recently purchased. In the summer I put nail polish on my nails which she had never done and all of a sudden she’s getting her nails done. I wore a black tunic to a summer barbecue and the following week and she had a nearly identical one and that is not characteristic of her normal styling. We went shopping in the downtown city where we live and I told her I like dangling type earrings and she started buying those kinds of earrings. Here’s the kicker. I told her I wanted to remodel my kitchen so what did she do? She went out and hired a contractor to remodel her kitchen in the color scheme and materials I told her I was thinking about. I’ve also found this person to not have a lot of empathy because they’re too busy thinking about how they see the world. When my father died after a long battle with dementia, she told me I was lucky that my dad didn’t die suddenly. Basically telling me I got the easy grief. Then her Ti told me exactly why I got the better deal. I also noticed that she gossips about people in the neighborhood when she is dissatisfied with them. And then the next thing I know she’s over at that person‘s house enjoying a glass of wine. I find this particular persons personality on the unhealthy side of the ESFJ demonstrating more turbulence and insecurity. I’m curious if anybody else has had a similar experience. This is a relationship I can be cordial with but not invest in. It’s simply too exhausting for me as an INFJ who cares a lot about how others feel. In this relationship there’s no place for me.
One of my best friends is an ESFJ and I'm an INFP! She is really sweet and amazing, but I do feel like I connect in a more deeper level with my INFP friend who is also a part of this "squad" :D Haha, and then there is an ISTJ as well. We are a weird bunch.
My mother is an ESFJ, my father is an ENTP. My brother and I are both INTPs. Let’s just say it was a rough childhood. I think my mother is the only person who can make me angry enough to get in to a shouting match with her. And I’m the type of person to never get angry over anything. But it’s almost like she has a supernatural power over me. So I can relate to all this traumatized INTPs in the comments.
I am an INTP, my mom is an ISFJ and my recent ex boyfriend is an ESFJ. I've always perceived those "cover contracts" that annoyed me a lot, but I had never been able to put it into words so clearly. (today I broke up with my with my ESFJ boyfriend because it was becoming a toxic relationship)
Oh, my God. My boyfriend is ESFJ, and I'm INTP, and we are kind of on the same boat (the toxic relationship thing). I think INTPS and ESFJS doesn't get that along and honestly is sad.
I've got this clearly ESFJ friend who has decided to make me her best friend, and this puts way too much pressure on me. I'm pretty sure I'm an INTP and so, our interactions are often quite overwhelming for me. She constantly urges me to tell her what I want, in a desperate need of my validation through giving me these ''wants'', that I initially don't even have. We just keep spiralling. In these missunderstandings she will unravel in intense self-destructive emotions based around her self worth, where I perceive she's basically asking for someone to else to bring her back up. I feel bad, because I get stuck between my thinking and her feelings. I understand the situation, and I know what to do to make it better, but I just can't comply to deliver and play these stupid little social games. I wanna help in the Clint Eastwood way. Slap the hell out of these unhelping, unwanted emotions and shout ''Get a hold of yourself and grow some balls woman.'' If you seek your value through other people's eyes you are BOUND to be deceived and feel unworthy. I hate when people make me responsible for their emotions or situations. It steals my independence in a way. So whenever these situations present themselves I just more or less stand there silently, conflicted, trying to formulate my thoughts in a proper way, while she jumps up the walls begging for recognition. I'm not saying she's unworthy of it. Simply, I can't or won't give it to her that way. It's unhealthy. Also the Introvert/Extravert part is a rough one. If it was up to her we'd hangout every fucking day. I'm just being an hermit, hiding in my appartement, turning down 99% of all invitations, and while each new invitation already feels draining to me, I'm pretty sure it bums her out a little more each time I refuse. I think it drives us both crazy and that by electing me has a best friend (while I never ran for the position, all the more restaining for me) is a wonderful awful idea. It has come to a point where I'm considering showing her these videos so that she can understand that even though I love her, this relationship will take an incredible amount of work. I am also kind of worried that I will only end up shaking her beliefs by scalping her brain out in the open, and more or less put her in a box. Most people would get offended learning that they're not perfectly unique and find restrain in labels. To me it's actually reassuring to know there are other aliens like me, and that if you inform yourself in the matter you can actually engineer your way through social interactions. But anyway. She might suprise me with that INTP Sub, who knows. She's more intelligent than she thinks and this might be an opportunity for me to help prove that to herself. I just wonder if she'll grab the info and forget it the day after, going back to her ''there are no thoughts, only feels'' ways. Sigh.
I´m ENTP myself with ESFJ mom and ISFJ dad. Lets just say my childhood was "interesting" when it came to discuss certain values and topics with my parents. It seems that after watching your videos I actually understand much better my parents. I´m very curious type and I been watching your content. Your videos have been very fascinating to watch and looking forward to seek all of them. Sorry for spelling mistakes. English is the 3rd language we learn in my country.
Lmao my mom is an ESFJ and this is exactly her. She is literally an account that has the worst time spending and managing money iIts so ironic. well now i know why.
14:18 That's exactly what my ESFJ mother did to me when I chose to follow a low lectin, nutrient rich, meat heavy/grainfree diet (not keto, but similar to paleo) over her grain based, high seed oil diet (which she AND her friends follow religiously). She know I love my paternal relatives (unlike my maternal relatives) and she spread all sorts of rumors about me to my relatives. Now, they are not as friendly to me as they used to be before the gossip war my mother waged on me.
I really want to try doing what ESFJ wants ... with proper precautions, it'll be one of the funniest times of my life I really hope I won't need to do too much damage control
As an INTP I don't get a long with my ESFJ younger brother and I suspect that my mother is an ESFJ too. They both don't get along too. My mother always thinks she's right and it's annoying me and my brother. Most of the time I just let it go until she stops talking and shouting while my brother most of the time leads to have a fight with her because he can't tolerate it whenever my mother insists that she's right even though she's wrong. I would say it's like there's a war in our home most of the time lol.
This is so nuts! I remember my first steps at 11 months. I remember my first words. People never believe me when I say this but I vividly remember all of these things. Mind blown.
My ESFJ sister says the same. I did read somewhere that these early childhood memories are false memories however. They are created from people telling you something that happened and your imagination creating a memory of it thereafter.
My mother is esfj and I am intp.I am suffering with her continuous trials to do everything for me. She gets very angry if l tell her I wanna do something by myself to gain experience. She takes it as a personal offense which is really annoying. It wasn't for until I went to college away from home where I got the chance to try things I want and gain maturity. Although those experiences were rough but I am now happy and satisfied about what I became and still seeking for new experiences.
Thankyou so much for this video! Im currently in a long distance relationship with an ESFJ. I am an INTP. Due to certain circumstances I literally cannot go visit him. he has the means but he keeps giving me excuses not go see me mostly to do with his obligation to his work and family. (his very strict routine) Im not sure how to tackle this problem even though its clear we both love each other. I was wondering if you have any videos on how an INTP and ESFJ can work towards getting along more smoothly?
While I understand the rationale, there is a problem with the argument of not asking or allowing what an ESFJ wants. I think it depends on context since not every purchase is a car. If ESFJs are prone to being conned, then go with them to the car salesman or at least give them options so their input is considered. ESFJs are already self sacrificing to the point where their desires are shoved aside by themselves. If people in the ESFJ's life ignore their desires, that opens up the door to the ESFJ being walked all over on like in abusive relationships. Classic scenario is an ESFJ ISFP relationship where the latter knows exactly what they want or at least what they value. Therefore, this just gives an ISFP even more rationale for pushing what they value on an ESFJ in the name of restricting the ESFJ's desires, and upholding their own. Not that it doesn't happen naturally already. I just don't want fuel being added to the fire. I think it is a good message to consider the ESFJ's perspective, keeping spending decisions as mutual as possible with vetoing, etc. I am an ESFJ. I usually look for 'good deals' but can be conned, purchase based on not grasping all issues, and be enamoured by 'shiny things' that look good in the moment; so while I agree with you that it is there for me, I caution this controlling, management approach to another human being based on typology alone.
Good vid, much better than other channels. INTJ man married to a ESFJ woman for 9 years. There was some learning curve to this personality but our attraction was off the charts and still is to this day. I like to think I've "solved the puzzle" of this type and sailing is very smooth. She was vegan when we met and she was happy I was supportive of her. 9 years later she gets mad if her ribeye is overcooked lol ;) her ability to remember names and small details about people is a humbling experience for me. At the same time she admires my stress tolerance and work ethic. ESFJs are a great person if you take care of them and cherish them. This type gets taken advantage of often unfortunately. While I prefer direct criticism whether it's to me or me to others...you gotta be carefull with ESFJs as they will take serious offense to direct criticism. Positive reinforcement is the way to go. She's ultimately made me a better person through all of this. Plenty of "smart" INTJs out there who do nothing but play video games with cheeto dust on their lap.
Hi, valuable comment. Can I ask you to elaborate? I am intj woman entering a relation with esfj man. Maybe not quite the same, but still... How do you satisfy your intellectual hunger with an esfj parnter? Is it to let them speak as advised in the video? Or do you dare to educate your partner with positive reinforcement and then enjoy their memory, rather than following analytical pathways together? How have you solved this? Thanks.
Spot on once again. Covert contracts everywhere. “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch my back”. Have a lot of esfj friends. They help my child fe and I help their child ne. My moms an esfj, so true about listening to the to inferior. Her Te will come out strongly. Entj mode.
If going to www.udja.app doesn't work, download the free type grid companion at csjoseph.life and work through that, you'll get your answer. Or if you're impatient you can always get a 15 min typing session.
I was discussing with my ESFJ wife while she driving and she was talking about how a kind of meditation was helping her. The meditation included saying that she is perfect because she's the image of God as all human beings. Yes, I'm a Christian INTP and I do believe we are the image of God, but I don't believe we're perfect. We still have flaws. But I think that saying that to her brought about her Te Demon: she stopped the car and told me to leave. We're getting divorced... apparently irreversible. I'm renting a new apartment. PS.: She's been feeling undesired for a while.
Hi, maybe you missed the point. Yes, we are not perfect BUT we must be (Mat 5:48). We SHOULD be :-) Hope this will help, I really hope you will not get divorced, God hates this. God bless you dear. - Infp
@@DanniBby I did not judge anything he did. I quoted Jesus and hope he acted accordingly. However, polygamy is biblically legal, so he could definitely take another wife if he has the assets to take care of two women - in case the first one comes back. I am trying to be as helpful and loving as possible, accordingly to the will of God - which we can know by the access to the scriptures and His spirit. Everyone of us seeking for salvation, we should read our Bible more often to understand God's plan and what He wants from us. May God bless you.
5:04 "If I'm a good person good things will come to me." Lol that's so funny because that's honestly something is imagine my mom would say to herself when being around other people.
ISTP here, i had ESFJ mentor, he did something not so good, I just kept silent and never told him what I want and plan, means i didn't give him his day in court made him triggered his Ti inferior to Te Demon, he literally destroyed my reputation. I can now safely say its all about misunderstanding each other personality, as ISTP, Finisher is my communication style he concluded immediately that I don't need him anymore because of my Ti hero. So sad a wonderful tandemed ends just because we don't understand each other without intention of hurting eachother
The part where you explained how an ESFJ needs to be listened to before unlocking the engineer sub hit me so hard. Little emotional actually. I've felt like I've had this achilles heel preventing me from actually committing to transitioning to programming (like, actually do the work). ESFJ does feel like a curse sometimes, pulled in a thousand directions.
So, what happens at the fire station? Do all the ESFJs dislike each other for taking away their opportunities for earning burning building rescue kudos?
The way u said that ENFJs come for people who hurt them is exactly how i (ENFJ myself) imagined i would destroy someone xD and i am somehow really surprised how many intelectal thing i can randomly generate xD
As an ESFJ, this video is painfully true. I constantly struggle with seeking other people's approval and I don't know what I want. I need the guidance from outside to make my decision.
understood good sir
Do you fear rejection? My sister is an ESFJ and I suspect she fears rejection.
@@marianocastro3430 When I was younger, I tended to take all criticism personally and was easily hurt by negative comments. But maturity comes and I’ve learned so much. I think that yeah I do fear rejection because that can lead to a lot of self blame
Dealing with this right now...
@@jklpop4664 Me too fellow! This pandemic really makes life difficult for me as an EFSJ...
I’m an ESFJ and almost everything you mentioned was true for me in the past, but for the past 5 years I have matured as an ESFJ and am stress-free because I no longer hold those “contracts” (I gave people literal hell with those contracts), don’t judge people on appearance (as I no longer care about my appearance either), don’t seek confirmation from others anymore, etc.
I encourage any of you ESFJ readers to mature - life has totally flipped into a positive and I don’t ever want to look back.
If at any moment I get triggered, I try to shut it down ASAP!
Btw... subscribed!
But... How do you know if you still are an ESFJ? I mean, maybe you've become another type
@@Patricia-im9iu It doesn't work that way. Your type is written into DNA. You can temporarily transition to your Subconscious, Unconscious, and Superego sides, but whatever your Ego is, that's your true personality. You can't change your personality type, but that isn't to say you can't grow and become more integrated with your lower functions. Your personality type isn't everything that you are. It is only the foundation.
EDIT: Actually, I think I misspoke. It isn't exactly written into your DNA. It's more complicated than that. Chase explains it really well in this video at the 29:00 mark:
ua-cam.com/video/aR47GfZA3-w/v-deo.html
Do you mind telling me how you have been able to mature? How did you stop needing confirmation? For me the happiest moments of my life was when I felt connected to other people. I feel like when I “care give” and Forget about covert contracts or “caretaking” well... I stop caring about people. I attract people who become very needy and demanding and I lose interest quickly. It’s just this odd dilemma I’m having and I’m wondering how you got past this
@@KrypticKiss18 i‘m not esfj but i think the key to stop needing confirmation is to start realizing that everyone lives their life for themselves and that you should give yourself the confirmation that you need because not everyone will treat you as good as you treat them. so you have to learn to avoid people who take advantage of you and that starts with loving yourself. and loving yourself is something that takes time and practice
@@choisanscroptop7809 Thanks Obama!
There are almost next to no esfj people here, probably because, they read all the angry, irritated comments and figured they are not wanted at all.
Yeah, you’re right 😞
From my personal experience ESFJs consider thinking about metaphysical stuff a "waste of time and energy". That's at least what they said.
Sabine W Doesn’t mean we’re not interested. Watch for what we do and not always what we say
I wonder why this comment has many likes?
Sabine W
Definitely not true in my case.
I'm an esfj and I'd do anything for you as long as you give me confirmation and a lil affection
Aww, you're a cutie
@@CupcakesX please don't
Yeah, me too. But if you fail to give me any sort of gratification and care, I will torture myself over it yet not say anything for ages, avoid conflict while hating you and let our relationship die.
@@TH2714wow disastrous
My mum's an esfj and she's wonderful... She definitely teaches me social skills as intj and this helps me to understand and care about people more.
Amazing! :D
Cute! I hope this is also what my friend sees lol
I'm so glad you're an INTJ who doesn't use Fe trickster as an excuse to be unappreciative and nasty. Good on you for giving some attention to overcoming your weaknesses. You're an inspiration!
@@Mikumo-lovethunderglow Huh?
I think all what Humans need is to understand each other !!!
_Period_
Hey man. I've been binge watching your videos throughout the past few days. I have been having a lot of trouble with my self-worth and been reflecting quite a bit. I'm an ISTP that always felt like something was wrong or different with me with an ESFJ mom and an INTP dad. When I was a kid, my mom always told me to do things a certain way and it always ended up backfiring on me so I grew not to trust her. She would always want to care for me and make decisions that made me more hedonistic, while I just wanted to be left alone - still do. Watching this video has helped me realize that she's just the way she is, to let her be, to not ask them what they want all the time(big mistake I'd been inadvertantly making!) and showing them appreciation. Thank you for creating all this content and allowing those, such as myself, reflect and create more healthy relationships - it's a true blessing.
You are most welcome sir. I hope it works out for you.
My friend is an ISTP and you literally just explained his childhood. Not gonna lie helps me out a lot thank you sir
What was your dad thinking when he married your mom? No offence but intp and esfj is like a no no, I really just can't tolerate their illogical bs and it always gets on my nerves (I'm an intp).
My mother is a esfj and I am a intp. I love her to death but I don’t have much in common with her. I never understand what she wants or needs. She doesn’t really let me talk when she thinks she is right. EVEN IF I HAVE EVIDENCE. Though I really hope this video does help with our relationship. So thanks for making this I can tell you really do your research.
you are welcome :)
Same!
Amelie Liek SAME.
I’m the same thing
So much INTP vs ESFJ suffering in the comments. Let me add some.
Dummy257 that’s the challenge I
Have
Yeah I noticed that too. It doesn't seem to be quite the same case with an INFP son and an ESFJ mom. We actually get along pretty well for the most part. It's probably because we're "golden" when it comes to our Hero and Inferior functions (and we also both have Si and Ne in common). But still, it's not exactly smooth sailing.
Bro, it's like we INTPs are cursed to have ESFJ parents. Both of mine are ESFJ
Henrique Valença ugh me too!
@@henriquevalenca5694 We'd be nicer if you hugged us daily and said, "I love you."😅
if ESFJs are so caring why are they so harsh at times, on top of that they can be bullies
Se critic, They may hate or bully someone because that person is weak, Se critic criticize people's endurance
🫖🫖🫖
They are only caring to other SJ and SP types. They hate NTs and think NFs are inferior.
Fr
Every 13 year old INTP in this community apparently has ESFJ mom/boyfriend trauma.
Your Master 😂😂😂😂 you’re legit right
I’m speechless, lmao
Now why on earth would an INTP have a boyfriend at 13? Highly unlikely!?
@@reneebrent1179 you can date someone without leading to getting intimate at that age lol. Hand holding is literally taboo to them lol
Wow lol
My current love interest is an ESFJ and I'm an INFJ and I've never been happier
Josh Ward I pray yours works out. My ex was ESFJ and I’m an INFJ girl... he was a sweetheart but I kept feeling that something was wrong here. Like an extra depth was missing and our conversations were too shallow no matter how much I tried to deepen them.
@@jerad248 Thats a personal problem not a personality trait lol
Because indeep thinking actually is too much detail for esfjs it overwhelms them. Extroverts brain processing path way is shorter vs Introverts brain processing path way is longer giving them the time to think before speaking. Extroverts are good at taking risks and making fast immediate dicisions in the heat if the moment so too much information isnt necessary and clear cut instructions are prioritzed because their good at carrying out or implementing. ~hope it helps INFJ :P
Watulukinahuh it really did. Thank you so much for the well thought out reply my dear. I appreciate it!!!
@@jerad248 I am a INFJ girl and I believe my mom is an ESFJ. That is exactly how I feel. I always try to deepen our relationship, discuss deep spiritual things which she can do with me but I always bring them up, and she will be tired of if after 5 minutes and change the subject :D
As an ESFJ teen I criticize less on appearance and more on how much you are trying on something. Also it is ok to give us what we want because it can be beneficial, and it doesn’t backfire as much as you think. We can form decisions on our own too, but we like to hear other opinions as well so we can form a more informative opinion.
It looks like INTPs are cursed to have ESFJ parents
Henrique Valença righttttt!!!
My mom is ESFJ. me, INTP...
..yes
I just want to know why my ESFJ mom will go out of her way to get me things I tell her I don't want.
(For the coronavirus she bought a bunch of canned food, I decided that because everything is calming down and we need to eat everything to not waste it that if I get the mood to tolerate some of it I will help eat it, I get in the mood to tolerate chili and can't find any, I ask her where the chili cans are, she shows me 20 cans of baked beans, I explicitly say that baked beans and chili are not the same thing, and tell her to NOT buy any chili, that I was only trying to help eat through our rations, and a week later she comes home with 20 cans of chili for me as a gift!?!?!?!?!??!?) (also I told her I don't like beans and that I get the chili without beans but the chili she bought had beans...) (this is just the most recent example, but it is like with literally everything all the time)
Stolid Liquid
lol!!! Esfj mom here. In Japan with adult children in the US. I just sent my daughter a months worth of canned goods too lol! And she said she didn’t want to hoard food because others needed it... Also sent her TP which she ran out of because she didn’t want to hoard. Your mom loves you. ❤️❤️❤️ I don’t know why, but feeding people makes us feel like we are helping even if we are not🙃(although my girl is vegetarian and I did send food she would like...) she probably is just worried and figures if you run out of food, she is keeping you alive Bwahahaha!!! Just donate it. She won’t know lol
I became a bedridden ESFJ for 3 months several years ago so became obsessed with these channels. Maybe it's just me, but I don't try to understand the technicalities of the 16 personalities. Yet, I apply what I've learned every day as a pastor's wife. I find that I appreciate all people so much more than I used to, have tons more patience, and find every person absolutely fascinating. I also have started giving more freely, stopped making covert contracts in my head, and feel freed now to give without expectation. Our household is a pretty fun place, can you imagine an ENTP dad, ESFJ mom, INTP and ENFP young adult daughters. We actually have very little drama except when I flip out about dirty socks and a garage we can't walk through. Everyone in my family creates things while I wash dishes.🤣
GOOD FOR YOUUUUU!!!!! God bless your heart!
*_With Subconscious comes suffering._*
Press 'F' to pay respects to our INTP friends.
F. ⚰️
Hector Andem F
F
This is bull shit
I’m an INFP and I’m in a relationship with an ESFJ..
we are nurturing our relationship and it’s taken heed to eachothers very nature. A big factor for us is, we keep everything on the table. Communication is key for us. This is an almost 4month relationship. We just took the personality test this weekend.. It’s very amazing how much we’re learning about eachother and with eachother. I’m noticing how natural these needs are being met between the both of us. Being the empathetic , Gemini INFP, SEEMS TO MAKE THINGS (sorry for yelling) pretty interesting in his world. Bringing fun an laughter and help around his house. I’m a detail cleaner.. I’m messy too sometimes but I’m clean! Perhaps that sealed the deal? Haha
Seriously though, he’s definitely helping me in return with being a bit more grounded and organized with a routine. He has a solid routine. And I am down for jumping in on occasion.Of course I’ll switch it up but keep it for what it is.. I’m thankful for the amounts of love he shows me.. I’ve never had a relationship like this.. The old me would have ran away fast. We have worked on the whole process being our own drama. Especially when it revolves around expectations. Those are the kind of things that we put out on the table.
Can I ask how are things going with you now ? Are you still together
I'm in the beginning of this relationship with an ESFJ
and I want to know please about the sexual relationship between you because C.S Joseph says it's not the best so I want to know If I'm not bothering
Very useful. Just had a conflict with an ESFJ employee and trying to sort out what happened. This offers a lot of insight. Thanks!
My mother is an ESFJ. I'm an INTP, and the things just dosen't work hahahahah
uh yeah no lol
yeah fucking no i cant deal with fucking talkative feelers
I'm an ESFJ but my best friend is an INTP, but he's my friend out of his own logical obligation I suppose. He can only reach my Ni through my trickster which I'm ignorant of. And I can only reach my Fi through his Demon. I doubt we could really be friends without integrating the shadow.
My mother is ESFJ and I am ENTP, we get along great but can’t ever have deep talks about logic. We relate well on a feeling sense because fe is her hero and it’s my child. My cousin is an Intp and has ESFJ mom too and they don’t get along well lol.
It feels to me like quite the opposite.
ESFJ Fe hero comsumes Fi, which is demon of INTP.
ESFT have Se critic and is keen about wearing 'apropriate' clothes etc. INTP have Se as their trickster.
ESFT inferior is Ti which likes to make its point in the field of logic. INTP has Ti as their hero which needs to be always right and doesnt give Ti inferior much apriciation.
My mom is a very mature ESFJ. But that covert contract never dies, does it? -_-
yeah... no
ESTP married to an ESFJ. It never dies.
I remember Rachel/ Friends saying " why bad things happen to good people " or " why bad things happen to me " she is an awesome/funny representation of Esfj i think. As always great content Joseph Thanks.
My mom is an ESFJ and I activated her ENTJ demon on a regular basis as a child. Wouldn't recommend it. This lecture is spot on.
I laughed so hard when he said all men ESFJs he met are fireman cause I actually know an ESFJ that is a fireman
ESFJ vs INTP :
My dad is ESFJ and he's so caring, supportive, and understanding. He puts others before himself and had a lot of failed businesses but had a great career in banking as a manager, everyone loved and respected him.
But I'm a female INTP, so he just can't understand how I can be stuck in my room for a long time without interacting with people, he think I'm depressed or why all my friends are males. Also he worries a lot all the time because I'm indecisive about my future .
And we just can't discuss any subject, it just doesn't work. I, as an INTP, can't let him say or think illogical things but he just seems to not understand what I say, and ends the conversation with " take care".
PS : He gets stressed watering the plants while for me it's an opportunity to think while being "active" and is so relaxing.
I'm an ESFJ from a family of extroverts, and when my husband and I were first married we lived with my in laws. My FIL would eat outside while we all ate inside, and I always felt bad. I decided one day to join him to make conversation and everyone looked at me like I had two heads. Took me a bit to figure out that he was a man who was such an extreme introvert that he was happiest when he was by himself. It boggled my mind. 😂
Seems so accurate 😂. But I wonder, Why do you even want to water the plants, just sit there 🤣🤣 peaceful for us introverts
I am an INTP, my wife ESFJ. Been married for 21yrs. All good, but challenges aplenty, arguments legion, but today we are both well developed characters. My daughter is an INFP (we fight alot), my boy is ENTP (we get along great).
Love your vids, you are an expert!
thank you for saying that I am an expert, that is very contrary to popular belief.
@@CSJoseph Its a very interesting topic (MBTI stuff)and has been the core of my focus for the last couple of months. Im still hazy on all the terms used, but getting there is half the fun. Understanding the types has greatly helped my with relationships, and I have even tested the social engineering types thing you teach - works like a charm.
I watched your ISTP vid today and I find myself ticking all the boxes also, as with INTP.
I have a very strong grasp on technical stuff, mechanics, creating things (woodwork, garden, running a renewable energy co) and being hands on. I was in a technical high school, after that did a 5year stint in Engineering (toolmaking/fitting & turning), then armed reaction just for the fun, then mobile electronics...until I fixed my gaze on renewable energy back in 2008.
So, long story short. Can it be that I am INTP (as per test) but also ISTP. I seems compatible, at least in my weird case.
I’m really disagreeing with the covert contract. I have saved numerous lives in the military and I don’t need a medal to feel special.
i am thankful to hear that. You must be very mature which is awesome
People see it as a weakness because they view it as if I don't take care of myself. Sadly overall, I don't take care of my own needs at times which can be a problem. That's my weakness.
C.S. Joseph I actually take back what I said about having Covert Contract. I actually do in two different ways. When I help others, I do expect them to pay it forward. But I realize when I help my family members, I expect their full support when it comes to my lifestyle and beliefs. I have helped my parents numerous times, but I don’t like it when they don’t me having friends who are blacks and owning dogs. I have to disown them completely.
I agree with having them in general life bit not with individuals. My care is typically (or has been) admittedly onesided. I don't like that, bit part of my rut is ok with that. Having been through 20 years of suffering at the hands of my husband definitely has matured me to understand that life isn't always reciprocal.
I get the covert contract tbh. I don't think it's because we want people to owe us but rather we want to avoid future guilt. Like... "Oh let me help this person as much as possible. That way if they ever try to make me out to be a bad friend, I have this list of things I did to not feel guilty/defend myself/have the person forgive me". Ironically, we feel guilty anyways lmfao
I'm impressed with every video you do! You have such a great grasp of psychology and sociology and how socionics really works. It's so nice to watch your video it's seriously relaxing and empowering at the same time. Thanks for taking the time to share your knowledge :)
you are most welcome
@@hadisesadat3839 lol
i love how all the comments are just intps not liking esfjs and barely any esfjs 😂
Yeah it really makes us ESFJs feel super good.
@@bkenneth4261 don't worry about them. We don't need em.
I‘m an INFJ, and i find it weird how intolerant those INTPs are, whereas no ESFJ complains about anyone.
I know an ESTP, and we respect each other.
I’m a INTP and my wife is an ESFJ. You’re not wrong...at all. 😂
@@bkenneth4261 Yeah, true for some reason...
As an ESFJ ( and yes CS Joseph i AM an esfj haha!) I think covert contracts for me can come from a place of feeling guilty about asking for help or needing someone to do something, particularly for me. Consequently, i try to justify in myself the need, whatever it might be, with a mental contract.
Definitely a problem to work on.
It's funny when i remember arguing with my ESFJ mom about things that happened in the past (I'm INTP) it really becomes like a competition about who remembers things the best( Si child vs Si parent) and we really argue in detials about something that happened 2 or 3 and sometimes 6 years ago and she always keep remembering more details than i do lol
I have tested 3x as an ESFJ, in ‘98, ‘07 and again in 2014. I stumbled on my Myers & Briggs from ‘98 and started researching it and came across this. I really appreciate the fluidity of this. I’ve cut lots of folks out of my life because they have taken advantage. I do want to heard( I thought it was because I’m a woman😉, but maybe it’s “my day in court”). I sometimes think I make people feel awkward because I’ll literally give what I can to make someone better- and people don’t want to receive. I give and volunteer because that’s what I’m ment to do. I could care less where some shops( I shop at Walmart). This test is biased- we need to look at the history behind it to fully understand it and it’s implications on us as we relate to the entire world
I am a ESFJ and this is spot on! However, the older I get the more aware I am of the "negative" sides of my personality. When I was younger I definitely went for revenge when someone hurt me and was critical of others.... But I have completely changed those around...and probably because I got called out a time or two 😂 Great video! Thanks!
I am part of the ESFJ crew (Heyyyy...haha - no shame here) and I truly appreciate your video and how you broke everything down. Your video provided so much insight for me! It will be watched again! :) Again, thank you so much! Now, let get back to saving the world.....haha :)
Glad it was helpful!
My mother is an ESFJ. I'm an ENTJ (female). I'm 20,000 miles away from her and we're still clashing nearly every time we talk to each other. eg: My grandmother came to visit her and wanted something from her. My mother knows she shouldn't be letting her manipulate her but my mother still goes to see my grandmother. I told her to not go. not be manipulated for the hundred time, but she still goes saying and I quote "I'm just testing her if she's gonna try and manipulate me again" then she gets manipulated. She's then unhappy, comes complaining to me. I told her to not go. I get angry and then she turns on me and starts criticizing me on how I'm always getting rid of people so fast, that I'm cold and insensitive, or she will start manipulating me and shout at me how my attitude will get me in trouble with others. Well, as long as I'm not making the same mistake over and over again like her, I'm sure I'll be ok.
I seriously don't know how to talk to her.
Afterwards, I apologize even if it wasn't my fault. She never apologizes back. She's always right (in her mind).
I'm really thinking it best if I just stop bothering myself.
Yeah, I recommend watching the ESFj virtue and vice vid as it sheds some more light on this.
I just watched the ESFJ virtue and vice video. Yes, that's pretty much what she does. yesterday, I had a call from a mutual friend of my mother and I and asked me to talk to my mother because she's crying and so on. She literally used that friend to ask me to call her when she could have just called herself. All of a sudden, she's the elder and I'm the daughter so I must call her. Where did that come from? I didn't get that rulebook when she gave birth to me. I love her to bits. I'm asserting her intelligence all the time. She helped with hundreds of stuff on my startup and came up with incredible ideas when I got stuck. I'm not very healthy with the family because they tend to look for drama and I don't have time for that, so I just cut them out until there is a very important celebration going on then I would connect with them (warily). She also has an amazing aesthetic sense and her house is a mix between Roman sculptures and "1001 nights" furniture pieces (A harp is standing in the hall please...) she's a financial director but spend money like crazy (just bought an apartment because it's cheap at the moment. what you don't know is, she just started the construction of another house and didn't even finish it yet.) I made a comment about her being great at managerial accounting and she knows the rules of a great company. It's better to have cash flow in than out... I received a death stare.
Liz that’s too bad, glad to have helped.
This is my mother too. And I'm an INFJ 🙃
I'm INTP, Just broke up with ESFJ yesterday. Sadly after the tragedy, I feel free. If only he respect my me-time and not disturbing too much, I would be so much in ease.
Well done!
It's good that you are emphasizing the Jungian archetypes, the best method of analysis for the typology system.
It's been a hot minute since I've admitted to myself I'm an ESFJ, basically because they're characterized as stupid and I consider myself an avid intellectual, poet, musician. But, yes, my incredible fucking ability to bond with INFPs has been. Particularly with Si/Ne and the sexual craft, read Lana Del Rey. I'm also staunchly leftist, and consider myself inherently rebellious. Not exactly the stereotypical ESFJ. But, yes, it's eerily accurate. I have a distinction between what I should do and what I want to do, I've had to, because what I want is so often astray from what I need.
It's so hard as an INTP to not turn ESFJ's demon mode.
And reverse.
I am an ENFP married to a ESFJ it is SO hard helping them realize how wonderful they are.
Okay, it's confirmed. I'm an ESFJ. And man, I can literally relate to everything that was mentioned in this video. This is great Mr. C.S. Joseph! :)
ESFJs claiming theyr logical(when theyr relying on either emotions or what other people value) is going to drive me crazy, AGAIN. -INTP
If my ESFJ husband had a motto it would be “What should I?” What should I do? What should I wear? What should I eat? What snare drum should I use on the gig tonight? Um, really? Where it really gets comical is at movie time. Neither one of us will choose a damn movie because he doesn’t really know what he wants to watch, and I (INFP) wanting be fair and considerate think we should decide together. Often it comes down to rocks, paper scissors 😂
Sweet!!!! I am an ISFP, my hubby is an ESFJ. I tottaly relate, but I usually enjoy making choices, haha.
LOL I love this. I'm an ESFJ and my husband is an ISTJ, the most logical of all the MBTI. When we go out and do stuff it's hard to choose, because I want to accommodate him while he is trying to concoct a 12 step action plan for dinner and a movie. Usually we start planning a day ahead, although since we first got together he has gotten better at flying by the seat of his pants.
"If my...." : i (female INFP) date an ESFJ since a few weeks. Do you have tipps for me? (ENFJ men were a catastrophe for me.)
This is my mom. EXHAUSTING. At least people with F can relate to the obligation aspect, since they speak the same love language.
These are the kind of people who stay at the same job for all of their adult lives. They LOOOVE bureaucracy and ceremony. A lot of office managers seem to be ESFJ. Can't stand'em! They're not solution-oriented and love politics, so as long as it's a business that's all about busy work and putting in face time and kissing ass, everyone's happy.
someone's mad lol
I’m an INTJ female and I had no idea why this ESFJ male seemed to like me so much. This video helped me understand that to an extent. I did ask him lots of questions and listened to him but then I concluded that I didn’t like him - but he won’t leave me alone even though I told him we are not compatible.
I hope you gave him a proper chance to be friends. A healthy ESFJ can be an amazing friend for an INTJ.
Janus Cycle eh, since I first posted that things got complicated. We are Friends with benefits I guess. Although he wants more. As an INTJ I feel so disconnected from him sometimes. He is a sweetheart though! And I’ve grown to care very deeply for him.
@@cynthiasmith2459 Thanks for sharing. The INTJ - ESFJ relationship is really interesting. Whatever happens I hope you both do well.
Janus Cycle thank you!
As an INTP married to an ESFJ, I really resonate with giving Ti inferior it's day in court no matter how painful 😉
ahh, all the mentioned scenarios (good and bad) in this video already happened with me (ISFP) and my bf (ESFJ). His SE critic focuses on his time management, and I like my days filled w/ spontaneity, we sometimes fight about it. We also had issues before on how he can handle the trauma that I always talk about to him since I don't directly tell him on what he should do about it. after I told him that I just wanted him to listen, I got surprised on how much he thanked me.
This is a great video. This resembles a lot about him. this made my heart warmer.
Is it just me or are 50% of mothers SFJs?
My theory is that the Fe makes them want to take care of people, and the Si makes them go the traditional safe direction for women (starting a family)
As an evolutionary trait, I guess SFJs males and females are "tuned" to perfection to be caregivers/caretakers -> more offsprings and greater chances of them growing up healthy. Kinda of a self fulfilling prophecy, I guess. They instantly know if the kids are feeling alright and are safe and protected.
Well SJ are 40% of the population. My mom is ENFP which is awful since I'm INFP
According to this comment section.. and 100% of this channel's users are INTP. Lol
My mom's an ESFP 😭.
Such an awesome video Chase.
I had my mom take a MBTI test, she came out as ESFJ.
She seemed similar to myself but, also different. (Im INFJ as far as I can tell, might have you type me in the near future.)
The covert contracts, not doing their dishes or it takes their sense of purpose, always asking what you want, she does all of that all the time. Having high standards on people at her work, and on herself.
She would always pick hairs and stuff on my shirt and made sure I was clean and kept lol.
Also walmart.. ripping on how people dress.
Also giving her your time and listen to her.. day in court. Alot of this lines up well with her.
I have an esfj mentor. He is seriously smart at what he does!
Being an INTP asking your ESFJ boyfriend "do these cloths look good? Do they work? I look presentable right? Only for them to say "you look beautiful in anything and everything"
He misses the point. 😂😂😭😭
Well, be fair. Coming from almost any woman, those words are a signal to take cover. They don't really want to know; I don't understand why they ask. I'm an INTJ. This kind of thing mystifies me.
@@SJaye-zv9er ah fair point.
Context was that I was going out to a formal event and I haven't had anything "formal" so I was pulling through tons of casual stuff trying to mix and match because it was important.
If it wasn't for a specific event I'm not overly bothered and would have bascically thrown on anything. Though I wanted his actual opinion opposed to his personal attraction.
I didn't want him to tell me I look good because he wants to make me feel better. I wanted an objective opinion so that I could understand exactly what it is I either needed to work on, or what I got right.
Maybe I'm being contradicting, hard to say really.
@@matthewridgway2914 haha thanx.
It was some time back before I got into MBTI.
Admittingly I found the differences in him fascinating and I suppose because of that we didn't aknowladge all the small differences in values until later down the road.
@@matthewridgway2914 very understandable indeed.
At the time by which I dated that individual I'd just lost a family member which meant the world to me.
Having that mental and emotional confusion I do believe I rebounded on the first person that provided me the most comfort and security.
He was a good person despite our conflict in values and inability to satisfy the other without sacrificing many of our own needs. It wouldn't have worked, I doubt I went into it expecting it would either.
These days I don't think I even seek a partner, I never really did. I'm open to someone coming into my life, but ultimately I don't want to be dependant on the individual I find.
I wonder what type would be My most suited lol.
I assume you've been very selective with your mates?
("mates" sounds so primal lol)
@@matthewridgway2914 haha yes! Us brits say it very often 😂
I feel as though I need to work on myself a lot more before I even consider a new mate. Mostly due to the fact I feel incompetent as to "what I want"
I know the things I want to feel when I'm in a relationship, however I don't know how I'd get them or what I'd be looking for specifically.
There's the option of experimentation but that takes mental energy and ultimately I'd like to take it seriously.
I've found myself attracted to my opposite type just a little too often for comfort 😅
INTJ or my fellow INTP's sound appealing, But I'd fear that it may become competitive in discussions around disagreements.
Two strong minded individuals that dislike confrontation is both an interesting and terrifying concept lol.
Feelers sound easier because I find them far easier to navigate given the "right words/phrasing" yet again, I don't want to have to go that method of stepping on eggshells.
So i think I need to work on myself before getting with another. Understand what it is I truly need/want before I open the doors too wide.
Maybe get some advice from my fellow INTP females, as generalised advice is far from my field of relatability.
My friend is an ESFJ and he would always say yes to people who would ask him to take their shifts because they had some personal issue. So he ended up working all this overtime while he was in school full time, and he ended up failing his class. After he failed, his work ended up replacing his job with a piece of technology, and they fired him in an email. He didn't understand how he lost his job and failed his class when he was doing what he thought was right, by helping people who needed him. He thought he was going to be rewarded for doing the right thing. Which is pretty much what you were talking about. It amazes me! That's not how the world works! I think he learned his lesson now? But it seems like the hardest lesson for him because he is addicted to self-sacrifice.
Lets be original :
Nope im just another intp with an esfj dad looking to fix a relationship that isnt working. We dont hate each other, but i wish we understood each other better, and simply had more chemistry.
lol, welcome brother. Mine esfj is my mom, its a sad day in hell when we talk together
I'm ISFP and I love ESFJs lol :,D
I love you too, ISFP!!
So much love aww
Explain 🧐
Isfps are a mystery to me.
I would love to know an ISFP just because we're compatible lol
As an autistic INTP with an allistic ESFJ boyfriend, this is very helpful.
I am an ENTJ. My mum is an ESFJ and she is always binding me into covert contracts, even when you think she is just trying to be nice watch out.
LOL AT TOYOTA RAV 4. My sister is an ESFJ and she accidentally bought a Rav 4 recall 😂
I’m an ESFJ, and my T/F are super close. I’m a stickler for “only one chance to make a good first impression,” i’m not a label person, and if you shop somewhere and find a bargain, good for you. I respect someone who spends their money wisely versus impulsively. people who can prioritize. If someone ripped their pants, I’d privately let them know to not make a scene and not have them suffer. I have shopped at Walmart, so I don’t agree with that. I’ve gotten better at seeing guilt trips and calling them out. I sometimes know what I want, sometimes I don’t. I’m darn good at saving money, but not watching the stock market. If you don’t hear what I have to say, discredit my opinion, look out - I will take pleasure to make you suffer! I don’t like having to deal with my feelings, but I’ve taken it upon myself to get back into Si so that I can communicate feelings and not go into the loop.
Well good for you
Please watch the video Debunking MBTI Letter dichotomies video on this channel. The T and F are absolutely useless and ESFJs are thinkers.
As an ESFP my best friend is ESFJ and she drives me nuts with that approval seeking. Like i am a people pleaser and an approval seeker as well but she is on another level...like she doesn’t go to gym because there are many people there and doesn’t want them to make fun of her. She doesn’t wear that because x will think like that. She cares so much about whether teachers like her or not. I’m like screw it. I’ll keep talking during classes who cares if they’ll see me uneducated. She freaks out a lot about whether people like her or not. I mean i care a lot about others people opinions but at the same time in the end I’ll value my own opinion over others. And my ESFJ friend cares a lot about not being gossiped. Whenever she tells me what x told about me i’m like”Ok. If they didn’t bother to tell me in face than it wasn’t important in the first place. And i definitely won’t lose sleep over that.”
My dad is an INTP and he MARRIED an ESFJ on purpose and they have a happy marriage.
LOL😅
Is it possible to not marry on purpose ?
@@tadpole6724 *accidentally
Ohhhh! My daughter tested as an esfj in her university's business program. She's the most intelligent person I know and confident in her intellect. She's never been easy to influence and will diverge from the crowd due to her own moral code.
She does require a lot of guidance and feedback and can be oddly insecure given how accomplished, beautiful and brilliant she is. This gives her likeability I think because she appears so ideal but doesn't come off like she's aware how perfect she appears. There's a humility that's probably based in insecurity. She also has a terrible time making decisions.
I thought she was an estp because of her athleticism, physicality and dare devil side. She also doesn't have to have plans for her day and is good with spontaneity so she can come off very estp in those ways. She's not in touch with emotions, hers or others😄.
She takes care of herself before anyone else (not very esfj) and isn't self sacrificing except that she tends to not want to be a burden or worry for anyone so she can keep her worries inside. I think that's her way of being a caretaker, not being someone others have to struggle with or worry about. She's not a hands on "checking in on you" esfj. She's more concerned that you feed her on a regular schedule than if you've eaten.🤣
She has been a super easy, very dutiful child that just hasn't stepped a foot wrong. She's super reliable. She's very respected and well liked by everyone who knows her.
She might me mistyped, sounds abit more ISFP or ESFP to me
@@Tumi_2000 not necessarily many Esfjs who are well developed are like that and I think many Esfjs just know about themselves and weakness enough to improve themselves
I'm an Infj with an Esfj mother.... and hell yeah She basically the one who bought all of my clothes and wardrobes
INTP with a ESFJ Mother and Uncle; I have approached their Ti inferior in the worst ways possible. It is also hard for me to not criticize my ex-lawyer uncle who has that sense of smug superiority that I just love tearing down.
Thank you grandmother and uncle are just like that like I don't understand lol😂😂
I would enjoy watching that come down
My neighbor absolutely must be an ESFJ. They moved in not too long ago and as I’ve gotten to know her the less I (INFJ) care for her. I find her constant talking at me without any interest to learn about me exhausting. I now see that is her Ti going on. It’s incessant. She also has very strict and rigid rules about how the world and people “should “ be. It’s interesting that you say they don’t always know what they want. When you combine that with their sense of needing to look more than presentable I’ve noticed my neighbor has started to copy me. She bought the exact same sunglasses brand is me. She bought the exact same color handbag that I recently purchased. In the summer I put nail polish on my nails which she had never done and all of a sudden she’s getting her nails done. I wore a black tunic to a summer barbecue and the following week and she had a nearly identical one and that is not characteristic of her normal styling. We went shopping in the downtown city where we live and I told her I like dangling type earrings and she started buying those kinds of earrings. Here’s the kicker. I told her I wanted to remodel my kitchen so what did she do? She went out and hired a contractor to remodel her kitchen in the color scheme and materials I told her I was thinking about. I’ve also found this person to not have a lot of empathy because they’re too busy thinking about how they see the world. When my father died after a long battle with dementia, she told me I was lucky that my dad didn’t die suddenly. Basically telling me I got the easy grief. Then her Ti told me exactly why I got the better deal. I also noticed that she gossips about people in the neighborhood when she is dissatisfied with them. And then the next thing I know she’s over at that person‘s house enjoying a glass of wine. I find this particular persons personality on the unhealthy side of the ESFJ demonstrating more turbulence and insecurity. I’m curious if anybody else has had a similar experience. This is a relationship I can be cordial with but not invest in. It’s simply too exhausting for me as an INFJ who cares a lot about how others feel. In this relationship there’s no place for me.
Woah!!!! It fits the exact description of my grandma.
As an ENTJ, I actually learned how to like ESFJs at work. It made me less burned out and I started looking bright which is a breath of fresh air.
One of my best friends is an ESFJ and I'm an INFP! She is really sweet and amazing, but I do feel like I connect in a more deeper level with my INFP friend who is also a part of this "squad" :D Haha, and then there is an ISTJ as well. We are a weird bunch.
My mother is an ESFJ, my father is an ENTP. My brother and I are both INTPs. Let’s just say it was a rough childhood. I think my mother is the only person who can make me angry enough to get in to a shouting match with her. And I’m the type of person to never get angry over anything. But it’s almost like she has a supernatural power over me. So I can relate to all this traumatized INTPs in the comments.
I am an INTP, my mom is an ISFJ and my recent ex boyfriend is an ESFJ.
I've always perceived those "cover contracts" that annoyed me a lot, but I had never been able to put it into words so clearly.
(today I broke up with my with my ESFJ boyfriend because it was becoming a toxic relationship)
Oh, my God. My boyfriend is ESFJ, and I'm INTP, and we are kind of on the same boat (the toxic relationship thing). I think INTPS and ESFJS doesn't get that along and honestly is sad.
I am an INTP female and my ESFJ husband are now divorcing. It was such a difficult relationship
I've got this clearly ESFJ friend who has decided to make me her best friend, and this puts way too much pressure on me. I'm pretty sure I'm an INTP and so, our interactions are often quite overwhelming for me. She constantly urges me to tell her what I want, in a desperate need of my validation through giving me these ''wants'', that I initially don't even have. We just keep spiralling. In these missunderstandings she will unravel in intense self-destructive emotions based around her self worth, where I perceive she's basically asking for someone to else to bring her back up. I feel bad, because I get stuck between my thinking and her feelings. I understand the situation, and I know what to do to make it better, but I just can't comply to deliver and play these stupid little social games. I wanna help in the Clint Eastwood way. Slap the hell out of these unhelping, unwanted emotions and shout ''Get a hold of yourself and grow some balls woman.'' If you seek your value through other people's eyes you are BOUND to be deceived and feel unworthy. I hate when people make me responsible for their emotions or situations. It steals my independence in a way. So whenever these situations present themselves I just more or less stand there silently, conflicted, trying to formulate my thoughts in a proper way, while she jumps up the walls begging for recognition. I'm not saying she's unworthy of it. Simply, I can't or won't give it to her that way. It's unhealthy.
Also the Introvert/Extravert part is a rough one. If it was up to her we'd hangout every fucking day. I'm just being an hermit, hiding in my appartement, turning down 99% of all invitations, and while each new invitation already feels draining to me, I'm pretty sure it bums her out a little more each time I refuse. I think it drives us both crazy and that by electing me has a best friend (while I never ran for the position, all the more restaining for me) is a wonderful awful idea. It has come to a point where I'm considering showing her these videos so that she can understand that even though I love her, this relationship will take an incredible amount of work. I am also kind of worried that I will only end up shaking her beliefs by scalping her brain out in the open, and more or less put her in a box. Most people would get offended learning that they're not perfectly unique and find restrain in labels. To me it's actually reassuring to know there are other aliens like me, and that if you inform yourself in the matter you can actually engineer your way through social interactions.
But anyway.
She might suprise me with that INTP Sub, who knows. She's more intelligent than she thinks and this might be an opportunity for me to help prove that to herself. I just wonder if she'll grab the info and forget it the day after, going back to her ''there are no thoughts, only feels'' ways. Sigh.
I´m ENTP myself with ESFJ mom and ISFJ dad. Lets just say my childhood was "interesting" when it came to discuss certain values and topics with my parents. It seems that after watching your videos I actually understand much better my parents. I´m very curious type and I been watching your content. Your videos have been very fascinating to watch and looking forward to seek all of them. Sorry for spelling mistakes. English is the 3rd language we learn in my country.
esfj: shunning and/or pestering anyone that dosent show an interest in THEM. Its not ok!
I’m an ESFJ, but I don’t tend to do what other wants. In fact, i mostly decide what to do in general and I achieve good results as well.
Oh god, that's what annoys me the most about ESFJs, before you do something for someone, please ask them if that's what they want, don't just assume
Not an ESFJ or not self aware. Check out enneagram type 2.
Excellent series on these types. Thank you.
you're welcome sir
Lmao my mom is an ESFJ and this is exactly her. She is literally an account that has the worst time spending and managing money iIts so ironic. well now i know why.
14:18 That's exactly what my ESFJ mother did to me when I chose to follow a low lectin, nutrient rich, meat heavy/grainfree diet (not keto, but similar to paleo) over her grain based, high seed oil diet (which she AND her friends follow religiously). She know I love my paternal relatives (unlike my maternal relatives) and she spread all sorts of rumors about me to my relatives. Now, they are not as friendly to me as they used to be before the gossip war my mother waged on me.
I really want to try doing what ESFJ wants ... with proper precautions, it'll be one of the funniest times of my life
I really hope I won't need to do too much damage control
As an INTP I don't get a long with my ESFJ younger brother and I suspect that my mother is an ESFJ too. They both don't get along too.
My mother always thinks she's right and it's annoying me and my brother. Most of the time I just let it go until she stops talking and shouting while my brother most of the time leads to have a fight with her because he can't tolerate it whenever my mother insists that she's right even though she's wrong. I would say it's like there's a war in our home most of the time lol.
For an ESFJ 'right' is doing whatever you feel like and get away with. 'Wrong' is the opposite.
I started to skip the intro and then he switched into his "idiot human example" voice and had to go back lol
Glad I could oblige... lol
This is so nuts! I remember my first steps at 11 months. I remember my first words. People never believe me when I say this but I vividly remember all of these things. Mind blown.
My ESFJ sister says the same. I did read somewhere that these early childhood memories are false memories however. They are created from people telling you something that happened and your imagination creating a memory of it thereafter.
My mother is esfj and I am intp.I am suffering with her continuous trials to do everything for me. She gets very angry if l tell her I wanna do something by myself to gain experience. She takes it as a personal offense which is really annoying. It wasn't for until I went to college away from home where I got the chance to try things I want and gain maturity. Although those experiences were rough but I am now happy and satisfied about what I became and still seeking for new experiences.
Thankyou so much for this video! Im currently in a long distance relationship with an ESFJ. I am an INTP. Due to certain circumstances I literally cannot go visit him. he has the means but he keeps giving me excuses not go see me mostly to do with his obligation to his work and family. (his very strict routine) Im not sure how to tackle this problem even though its clear we both love each other.
I was wondering if you have any videos on how an INTP and ESFJ can work towards getting along more smoothly?
While I understand the rationale, there is a problem with the argument of not asking or allowing what an ESFJ wants. I think it depends on context since not every purchase is a car. If ESFJs are prone to being conned, then go with them to the car salesman or at least give them options so their input is considered. ESFJs are already self sacrificing to the point where their desires are shoved aside by themselves. If people in the ESFJ's life ignore their desires, that opens up the door to the ESFJ being walked all over on like in abusive relationships. Classic scenario is an ESFJ ISFP relationship where the latter knows exactly what they want or at least what they value. Therefore, this just gives an ISFP even more rationale for pushing what they value on an ESFJ in the name of restricting the ESFJ's desires, and upholding their own. Not that it doesn't happen naturally already. I just don't want fuel being added to the fire. I think it is a good message to consider the ESFJ's perspective, keeping spending decisions as mutual as possible with vetoing, etc. I am an ESFJ. I usually look for 'good deals' but can be conned, purchase based on not grasping all issues, and be enamoured by 'shiny things' that look good in the moment; so while I agree with you that it is there for me, I caution this controlling, management approach to another human being based on typology alone.
Good vid, much better than other channels. INTJ man married to a ESFJ woman for 9 years. There was some learning curve to this personality but our attraction was off the charts and still is to this day. I like to think I've "solved the puzzle" of this type and sailing is very smooth. She was vegan when we met and she was happy I was supportive of her. 9 years later she gets mad if her ribeye is overcooked lol ;) her ability to remember names and small details about people is a humbling experience for me. At the same time she admires my stress tolerance and work ethic. ESFJs are a great person if you take care of them and cherish them. This type gets taken advantage of often unfortunately. While I prefer direct criticism whether it's to me or me to others...you gotta be carefull with ESFJs as they will take serious offense to direct criticism. Positive reinforcement is the way to go. She's ultimately made me a better person through all of this. Plenty of "smart" INTJs out there who do nothing but play video games with cheeto dust on their lap.
Hi, valuable comment. Can I ask you to elaborate? I am intj woman entering a relation with esfj man. Maybe not quite the same, but still... How do you satisfy your intellectual hunger with an esfj parnter? Is it to let them speak as advised in the video? Or do you dare to educate your partner with positive reinforcement and then enjoy their memory, rather than following analytical pathways together? How have you solved this? Thanks.
INFP with ESFJ mom :)
She's amazing.
Lovely
I’m an INTJ with an ESFJ boyfriend. You’re so spot-on.
I really needed to hear about the entj super-ego... And when that happens/how it looks. Trying to understand someone in my life...
im an infp and we are compatible with esfjs. the idea of an esfj girlfriend makes my heart go BOOM! 😍💘
Can you tell me how's the relationship until now ?
I'm thinking about someone that he is ESFJ but I'm afraid from the inncompatibility
Spot on once again. Covert contracts everywhere. “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch my back”. Have a lot of esfj friends. They help my child fe and I help their child ne. My moms an esfj, so true about listening to the to inferior. Her Te will come out strongly. Entj mode.
I have watched your ESTJ and ESFJ video and how is it possible that I relate to both of them so perfectly . I just can't understand what I truly am
If going to www.udja.app doesn't work, download the free type grid companion at csjoseph.life and work through that, you'll get your answer. Or if you're impatient you can always get a 15 min typing session.
I'm a intp and my mom is an esfj and she constantly tried to control me through out my child hood
Dont worry, it never ends
ISTP with an ESFJ supervisor. It’s excruciating. Controlling, manipulative, monologuing ad nauseam, constantly missing the forest for the bark.
Here to learn about my wife. So so helpful!
I was discussing with my ESFJ wife while she driving and she was talking about how a kind of meditation was helping her. The meditation included saying that she is perfect because she's the image of God as all human beings. Yes, I'm a Christian INTP and I do believe we are the image of God, but I don't believe we're perfect. We still have flaws. But I think that saying that to her brought about her Te Demon: she stopped the car and told me to leave. We're getting divorced... apparently irreversible. I'm renting a new apartment. PS.: She's been feeling undesired for a while.
Maybe it’s that we are born in an imperfect world but God loves us in our flaws. Rather than saying I have no flaws, that’s why I am loved.
Hi, maybe you missed the point. Yes, we are not perfect BUT we must be (Mat 5:48). We SHOULD be :-)
Hope this will help, I really hope you will not get divorced, God hates this. God bless you dear.
- Infp
@@superXfairXgirl Lol that’s pretty judgemental
@@DanniBby I did not judge anything he did. I quoted Jesus and hope he acted accordingly. However, polygamy is biblically legal, so he could definitely take another wife if he has the assets to take care of two women - in case the first one comes back.
I am trying to be as helpful and loving as possible, accordingly to the will of God - which we can know by the access to the scriptures and His spirit. Everyone of us seeking for salvation, we should read our Bible more often to understand God's plan and what He wants from us. May God bless you.
@@superXfairXgirl their comment is not about polygamy though?
5:04 "If I'm a good person good things will come to me." Lol that's so funny because that's honestly something is imagine my mom would say to herself when being around other people.
ISTP here, i had ESFJ mentor, he did something not so good, I just kept silent and never told him what I want and plan, means i didn't give him his day in court made him triggered his Ti inferior to Te Demon, he literally destroyed my reputation. I can now safely say its all about misunderstanding each other personality, as ISTP, Finisher is my communication style he concluded immediately that I don't need him anymore because of my Ti hero. So sad a wonderful tandemed ends just because we don't understand each other without intention of hurting eachother
The part where you explained how an ESFJ needs to be listened to before unlocking the engineer sub hit me so hard. Little emotional actually. I've felt like I've had this achilles heel preventing me from actually committing to transitioning to programming (like, actually do the work).
ESFJ does feel like a curse sometimes, pulled in a thousand directions.
well INTJs dont remember most of the things from the past, its one of many things i like about my esfj partner
I know a few people like this, didn't realize what I was looking at, thanks
So, what happens at the fire station? Do all the ESFJs dislike each other for taking away their opportunities for earning burning building rescue kudos?
I have an ESFJ nanny and an ISFP mother, it makes sense that they had a high camaraderie...
Very insightful. Makes a lot of sense, and very helpful thanks.
Awesome you're welcome.
The way u said that ENFJs come for people who hurt them is exactly how i (ENFJ myself) imagined i would destroy someone xD and i am somehow really surprised how many intelectal thing i can randomly generate xD