The Most Hilarious Things That Court Reporters Have Ever Recorded To Be Said In Court
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- Опубліковано 19 лип 2022
- The Most Hilarious Things That Court Reporters Have Ever Recorded To Be Said In Court #funnytweet
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The Most Hilarious Things That Court Reporters Have Ever Recorded To Be Said In Court #funnytweet
“This question should be taken out and shot.” I cracked up over these.
It's actually textbook law that has such very precise sentences. Sometimes textbook law sees the light of day and then nobody except a lawyer or attorney or law student beyond the second semester really gets it.
@@Katharina-rp7iq I had to read this 3 times to understand what he wanted to ask. I really don't want to know how often this question needed to ask orally. It might even make sense, but could have been split up somewhere in the half for a chance to understand it...
I mean, in german there are long combined words possible and even very long sentences, but I must admit, this sentence is an all-time high for being non-german.
@@deineroehre The CIA, NSA, NASA, and DOD have attempted to decode that paragraph-long sentence, in case there were national security implications. So far they have been unsuccessful in doing so.
Lol, I would have asked to “rephrase” citing inability to understand the question. Why, because I have read it a dozen times and still can’t follow it. If spoken, I wouldn’t be able to remember the whole question.
@@mikemesser4326 How does one rephrase gibberish? :)
From uk court.
Judge: "I've listened to you for an hour and I'm none the wiser."
Smith: "None the wiser, perhaps, my lord, but certainly better informed."
That’s impressively British
LOVE it!
That's definitely something Phoenix Wright would say. 😂
This feels like a Churchill quote
"His brain was sitting in a jar on my desk"
"But he could still have been alive?"
"Yes, he could still have been alive and practicing law"
*Every stage comedian in existence* Get that man a mic!
Court reporters deserve praise and a raise if they were able to transcribe those things without shouting out "Are you freaking kidding me?"
Or laughing hysterically
I was on a jury where the reporter and the judge started laughing at a comment the lawyer made under his breath, and the judge had to call a recess, but unfortunately in the jury box we couldn’t hear what he said. I’ve always been curious about that.
“If not, he would have been by the time I was finished!”
DYING! (ironically) 🤣
Was it from the autopsy?
I'm glad I didn't hear any of these in a court room. I wouldn't have been able to stop laughing.
Same here!
I would have been fined by the judge to doing to much noise 😂
@@khaelamensha3624 Not when the judge was busy laughing
I did not know until right now that lawyers were this stupid. 😐
My forehead would be red and hurting
Just goes to prove you don't have to be the smartest person to become a lawyer.
A lot of the obvious questions are because, for something to be established in court, the *witness* must say it. The lawyer can't just infer it from a previous statement or prior knowledge, he *must* get the witness to confirm it. Which leads to questions like whether the 20-year old was 20 years old.
@@9Johnny8like this? 3:16?
@@AZ-dj1ni Pretty much, though I _think_ that one is just unclear phrasing.
If by "stairs" the lawyer means all the stairs in one stairwell, rather than a single flight of stairs, the question makes more sense.
It's a bad idea to be that ambiguous in court, though.
But you can be the dumbest and practice law.
1:22 reminds me of what my attorney boss once told me: "You can ask a question, but you don't have control over the answer." Priceless!🤣🤣🤣
I love it when doctors are witnesses
Yep spécial thanks for the ones performing the autopsies 🤣
Yknow I wonder how many of these lawyers lie awake at night and think about these questions like middle and high schoolers do for calling their teacher mom by accident
I asked to be excused from jury duty. Several times. Each time, my request was denied, finally, I just turn to the next person, “Dad, can you give me a ride home after this?”
Dad was too busy laughing… We were both dismissed from jury duty. Dad still finds it hilarious, ten years later
That’s funny
Not to ruin the airy but I don’t get it. Is there a law where you live that prevents parents and children from serving jury duty at the same car?
@@Judo593 There is! And that’s why I kept asking to be dismissed! It’s not like ‘Binns’ is an entirely common surname in my area
Extra surprising no one made the connection with the names Icarus, and Daedalus Binns.
@@emordnilap4747 I wish my dad had such a cool name. He has the boring name of Bruce
6:48- Ah, man! Don’t you hate it when you wake up dead in the morning?
@catlover2223: It's entirely possible in some Country Music Songs!😂😏🎤🎼🎵🎶🎸🎹🎻🥁B.W.
That happened to me on my 4th suicide!
As my mom used to say, ASK A STUPID QUESTION AND YOU GET A STUPID ANSWER .
Somehow it reminds me of the time I was on a cruise ship, just relaxing near the info point! Overheard a woman asking at what time the midnight snack would be served! I answered :"At 7 a.m.!" She thanked me very much and walked away! FACEPALM!!!
That reminds me of a job I had in the 1970's, I was a government bus driver and we had some REEEAAAL smart alecs on the job. Once at Circular Quay (Sydney, Australia) I was talking to a fellow driver in a long que of busses and he was the next bus to leave. ALL the buses were parked about 6 inches apart and a lady came up to his bus and asked what bus leaves next. His reply? "Third one down, lady". ANOTHER time the same driver was asked by a female passenger "How long is the next bus, please?" His response? "Same as this one, love. Thirty eight feet". And they wonder why I gave up driving busses and became an accountant!!
the comment at about 1:20 about the brain practicing law genuinely made me laugh
He's saying the guy with no brains could be the attorney not the brains itself
Although no lawyers were involved, these do remind me of when I was crossing the border from Canada into the US before we needed passports. I had my daughter with me and when I pulled up to the booth the guard asked me who was in my passenger seat and I replied it was my daughter. Then he asked "How long have you known her?" Ummm BIRTH.
😂😂😂😂
"Since ".
"Can you prove that?" - "Sure. Here's the certificate!"
@@realulli LOL, she was 21 and pregnant so not a piece of paper I needed to still carry around lol
Well, technically you may have adopted her when she was ten or something ...and some folks would call a stepdaughter "my daughter"
@@lilymarinovic1644 No kidding. The anecdote was supposed to be light hearted. If you encountered the US border guards at that crossing you'd know that there were more than a few who were dim light bulbs. I got the same guard another time and he sent me inside, along with every other vehicle. He wouldn't even look at people, just ask absurd questions and sent us in. The supervisors inside were furious to see a line up of 20 people from one jackass.
Love the lumbar / lumber region confusion.
There's an old one that goes:
Attorney: "Where was he shot? In the fracas? ("Fracas" is old term for a fight or quarrel).
Witness: "No, just above the navel."
I love how most of these would have been just as funny and understandable 200 years ago, and will be 200 years from now.
These appear to be from an old book (1987) titled Anguished English. There are also chapters from medicine, journalism, advertising and so forth. Whenever my Dad was in surgery in the hospital, I would take a copy to lift my Mom's spirits while we waited for news. We always left our copy of the book in the waiting room, hoping it might bring momentary relief to the families who followed. I bought a dozen copies or more, and still have a few left.
A few years ago I was hit from behind in a car accident. The guy who hit me insisted on a trial by jury and acted as his own attorney, and then he subpoenaed me as a witness.
Him: Mr. R****** why did you stop your car?
Me: Traffic in front of me stopped. I decided to join them
Him: You say traffic stopped. Well why didn't I see this traffic.
Me: (what I said) Mr. B**** I can only give my testimony, not yours.
Me: (What I thought)
Well...
What did you think???
I love the smart-ass answers from the witnesses 🤣
These HAVE to be true, they're too stupid to be made up! Wonderous idiocy, thank you.
I heard a friend use the 'have you lived in so-and-so all your life?' gag in the 90s, and knowing him, it certainly wasn't the first time he'd said it.
Clearly, bar exams must be multiple choice.
When I took it in MD it was a two-day test - one day multiple choice, the next day essay.
Honestly I don't doubt that most of them are true. Between jury duty, observing and being a witness once, I've watched 6 trials. Some attorneys tend to ask a series of simple questions and/or ones with obvious answers. If it's a sympathetic witness, it's to put them at ease. If it's a hostile witness, it puts them in a pattern of answering quickly without thought. Then the attorney asks the "gotcha!" question and hopefully the witness incriminates or absolves the defendant (depending on whether it's the prosecutor or defense attorney doing the asking).
Obviously some lawyers are better at this than others.
It’s all stolen from a book.
@@YeahNo But is it a book about dumb things lawyers have done? Because it could all or partly be true even if it is plagiarized.
Or is it from a work of fictional comedy about the world's worst lawyer?
@Buddy Austin That book is from 1996 but I have seen most of these way before that. So I have to assume they either rolled around on net-news or there were some ancient ftp site with many of these stories.
@Buddy Austin No, I just remember the law stories and flight controller stories I did read while at university. A time before Internet as we know it now, so I spent quite some time digging around for fum stories etc.
I might think so, but I've read the deposition that my late father-in-law gave and some of the questions, and his answers, could easiily been included in this video.
DA; Do you think you could over look your prejudices in this case Mr. Farmer?
My Dad; Looks at ceiling and around courtroom.
DA; Mr. Farmer?
Dad; Are you asking me? I'm Dan Armstrong.
DA; looks at notes, Oh sorry, you ARE a Farmer. Sorry. Well, Mr. Armstrong do you think you could overlook your prejudices in this case?
Dad; I didn't know I was prejudice but I will try to overlook it.
Judge; Grins in quiet amusement.
I love this post. It made me laugh out loud and anything that makes me laugh right now is very welcome!!!
I always thought you needed a minimum IQ to practice law. Apparently I was mistaken.
Perhaps you mean minimal IQ.
@@frederickwelham3829 it's funnier if you keep it how he said it. :D
No you were correct!
No, you are correct.
The questions prove it.
Your IQ must be this many to practice law.
These are hilarious but I couldn't read the last one as it was covered by mini screens of forthcoming memes!
It had already appeared at 1:18 -- it's the one from the title card.
@@stevevasta thanks for the clarification 👍
Happens a bit too often on YT:(
It covered the last three or four.
Lawyer: You were there until the time you left? Is that true?
alot of these can also be found in the published book: Disorder In The Court. its hilarious.
I was doing ok until "all the answers must be oral". Then, I couldn't continue.
My brother in law was called up for jury duty many years ago a man had assaulted a woman this is the conversation between him and the assistant DA...DA "are you married sir"? BIL "no I'm not" DA "have you ever been married"? BIL "Yes sir I was married" DA " "so you're divorced"? BIL " no I've never been divorced" DA visibly confused " I dont understand, BIL my wife passed away of cancer three years ago I'm a widower, So yeah lawyers aren't that bright. He was released from jury duty! BTW!
BIL is a widower, not a widow.
Lawyers aren't that bright? Neither was your bro-in-law ... he was a widower not a widow.
@@maggiematthews3517 no that was my bad! Of course he's a widower!
And to think some of these lawyers ended up on the Supreme Court…
I like beer!
'Merica. Lol 🤣
@@ashh4929 nothing unique about the US there... I got asked a question in a foreign law suit setting that was just as stupid as some of these...it was D U M B to the point that the presiding officer of the court shook his head and laughed... and told the questioner to move on with taste....
@@charlesroberts3650 Beer r gud- it make u clerv…cluvv…clevv…it make u smart! 🍻
(I love beer but am currently on a drought due to various issues relating to my health…and wallet)
No, most end up in the House, and Senate.
My favorite
(Coroner has just stated that at that point in the autopsy the deceased's brain had already been removed.)
Attorney: I see, but could the patient still have been alive, nevertheless?
Coroner: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Well repeated!
Excellent.
Very funny.
The " Because his brain was in a jar on my desk" one was my absolute favourite, especially because of the last line. Awesome.
A case in Ireland, 100 years ago. A family was contesting a will. A single man had left his small farm to a nephew.
His brothers and sisters and their children weren't happy. They were all Irish speakers with only a rudimentary knowledge of English. The case was conducted in English.
Barrister, trying to show that the uncle might not have been of sound mind:
"Was your uncle given to soliloquising?"
Nephew, looking at the judge "Wha?"
Part ll
Judge, to barrister: "Perhaps you could frame your questions in more simple terms."
Barrister, to nephew: "Was your uncle given to talking to himself when he was alone?"
Nephew:" I don't Sir, for I was never with him when he was alone."
I don’t get it
That was a joke
I can get that some initial questions are made just to make the witness a bit more used to the situation, but most of them seems like the layer is just reframing (?) the words just said, because he/she is thinking of the next step in the trial.
I totally understand the guy who wanted a new lawyer.....
i laughed from beginning to the end, i didnt realize lawyers could be so dumb.
OMG I remember reading this list at least 30 years ago! Still hilarious.
Some attorneys brains slip out of gear in court once in a while. Others have no brains at all in court.
Not in court, but I came upon an opinion on a motor accident case in which learned counsel after looking at a plan of the scene of the accident wrote "It appears that the claimant was driving towards the bottom of the page."
Addendum to question about stairs, Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?" Witness: Yes." Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" Witness: "No they only go down, like yo Mama!"
He could also mean, if they go up to the higher level from the first floor.
@@pbtube58 Depends on the wording. The stair from basement to ground floor can't obviously be the same as the stair from the ground floor to the first floor.
Except there would be a continous stair from the basement to the first floor with some sort of exit or "platform" on the ground floor. But this is not really usual since a lot of space is wasted and so the stair from basement to ground floor ist mostly directly under the stair from the ground floor to the first floor.
So yes, the stairs might go up also, but not the same stairs.
Since in court every single detail of the wording of a sentence can have huge impact on the outcome, it is wise to put in a perfect wording...
The stairs do not move. Only the usage changes, whether you are going from the bottom to the top or the top to the bottom.
@@deineroehreyeah, the question in common context sounds weird, but in a legal setting it's perfectly fine, it's basically ascertaining if someone would be able to use that staircase from the basement to the first floor
@@deineroehreNot as a continuous stair, no, but stairs very often zigzag back and forth or spiral as they climb a multi-floor building. Imagine you're on the 2nd floor of a 5 floor building. Do the stairs go down to the 1st floor? Yup. Do they go up to the 3rd? Also yes. When I talk about standing next to the stairs, is it clear whether I'm thinking of going up or down? Not really, I call the entire stack "the stairs".
Hilarious. Now we need excerpts from the Depp/Heard trial.
Wow, most of these are as old as the hills - still funny, though!
LOL!!!!Thank you I was seriously in need of a good laugh. And lawyers wonder why people make run of them.
Hilarious! It makes you wonder about lawyers qualifications..... unless it’s just the stress!
These lawyers got a law degree from an university? Wow, just wow.
And passed a state bar exam (if in US)
I've never had a lawyer with any imagination (nothing like the super sleuths on the TV). My ex had to virtually do a ventriloquist act to get him to explain that, since the driver had been found guilty of possession, then all charges against her should be dropped and I had to point out that since the registration document stated DVLA and not DMV, that the DVLA sending a letter to the wrong address was their fault.
One may be book smart, while lacking the ability to apply their knowledge to the real world. I have met such people, unfortunately they were sometimes my bosses.
Quite a few of these is just getting the record straight, or pointing something out,
Yes weird in common parlance but for a case can make a major difference
Jonathan Ross "What state was President Kennedy in when he was shot?"...Del Boy "He was in a terrible state."
This just shows that attorneys talk in court to have more time to think.
Absolute gold, it's hard to fathom the stupid words that come out of peoples mouths sometimes but a witty reply is priceless.
Pax
Gosh, this is the most hilarious interchange I have ever read ......
I just had to testify in a case involving the Houston Ship Channel. I described a bridge that passed over the Ship Channel. The attorney asked, "What goes through the Ship Channel?" "Uh...ships." Other attorney asked if I was going to pursue a career in stand-up comedy because he would buy tickets!
I received these in an email about 20 years ago! Still funny.
All I hear is Johnny laughing
OMG... some of the lawyer quotes are so ridiculous it's hard to believe they're real! A lot of the witness quotes are just pure comedy!!
This was taken from “dumb lawyer quotes IRL but in ace attourney”, by Chessette, who took it from a book on dumb lawyer quotes.
The cards that show what other videos to watch completely covered the last slide, making it totally unreadable. Unforgivable.
It was just one of the other slides repeated.
paspax is right: the content of the last photo is a repeat of the photo from 1:16 (which is also the thumbnail for this video)
@@spkebrannigan7719 and @paspax. Thanks to both of you.
No prob! 👍🏻
Policeman giving evidence - "I chased the accused but the nearer I got to hime the further he was away". True.
I'd like to say that that Q&A at 1:38 with the nervous witness, is charming in his anxiety.
Drinking on the job again?! 🤦♀️
One of the funniest compilations ever. Thanks
This is too hilarious...was laughing all the way through... just can't figure out which one made me laugh out loudest.. 😂
What this proves (if they're all real) is lawyer's aren't interested in context and the wider understanding. They're only interested in the win in the moment. They read these things from their case notes and invariably the note's are not done in one go. It's basically their thoughts disjointed and all over the place. The only time this doesn't happen is when the have a really good legal assistant who'll organise the note's properly. Lawyers, attorneys and barristers all fall into the 'Theoretically brilliant, but in practicality, stupid' category.
😂😂😅😂😅😂😅😅😂😂
Ohhh myyy, my pansa hurt from laughing so hard.
I miss working for the Court!
these are hilarious! i cannot decide whether the responses are more right out of green acres or andy griffith.
glad to see these posted again
This left me in tears! Thanks for the posting 😄
While a lot of the lawyers asking the questions aren't very bright, or at least poorly phrased the question sometimes, the problem is that the witness is either dense or smart-alecks. For example, asking the witness what year they were born is a perfectly valid follow-up question after the witness omits the date the first time.
If this is true, it's scary as h..
Nah, quite a lot of these aren't scary, it's just making sure that everyone is on the same page and knows the fact,
Yeah it looks stupid out of context but often it's important to state it
how does this only have 400k views im almost one minute in and these are already HILARIOUS!
Really hate these channels that put images at the last minute of a video that get covered by suggested videos that pop up
7:18 Finally, someone with at least a margin of sanity.
Priceless!
Reminds me of when I was going through my first custody hearings:
GAL: When you received the remainder of your student loans, what did you do with the money?
Me: Used it to buy the boys what they needed and pay some of the rent so the boys and I would have a place to live.
GAL: Well, if you had all that money, why didn't go to visit your boys?
Me: Why would I drive 3 hours north to see kids living in my own house?
Asking for examples of things you forgot isn't an unreasonable question. You may be able to name what you forgot, and not name the exact thing that you've forgotten.
For instance:
I forgot my pin number.
I forgot what car I had.
I forgot who starred in that movie.
Kinda makes you wonder how in the hell somebody actually fails the bar exam.
this is some of the funniest shizz I'veheard in a long time.
#Funnytweet, this is hilarious! Everyone at my office were in stitches after seeing this. It was just what we needed to brighten our day. Great job, and hope to see more! ⭐👍😀😁😂
Betcha it wasn't a law office 😉
I’m going to jail for contempt of court, there is No way that these questions could be asked and I don’t bust out laughing in court!!!
Now we know how this country can get so screwed up. Many elected politicians were lawyers before going into politics.
FBI agent was reprimanded for not hand-cuffing or patting down a suspect.
When asked why he failed basic field safety, he replied: "His head was missing."
How did half the lawyers pass Thier law exams? Dumb question and quick come backs...😂😂😂😂
Hilariously funny!🤓Thanks!!!
Some of these are questions they ask purely to make the records more understandable when other people read them, some are just slightly off phrasing.
Funny stuff 🤭😁😂
You know, "Were you present when your picture was taken?" can actually be a valid question now with AI deep fakes. Still funny given it was asked before those were a thing.
I believe it's safe to say that much of this was never actually said in a court of law.
The 'Are you sexually active?" one was my favourite'! Hilarious! :)
"My name is Susan!"
#OMG!
The interesting thing is that you can ask the same question that should elicit the same answer but phrase it just a bit differently and get a different answer.
isn't like the first thing teach you at trial lawyer school, "Don't ask a question you don't already know the answer?" jisch...
Nice job putting the last couple entries behind those thumbnails for other videos.
Honestly the "did you know the deceased before or after death" is a fair question. Sometimes friends bring friends or friends attend of their own will for moral support
How exactly do you become aquainted with a dead body?
Are you also a lawyer?
@@66PHILB perhaps they’re a mortician by trade with a really complicated social life?
Thank you for making me laugh.
How dumb can some lawyers be? Hilarious.
1:13 Hear, hear!
All these people need to ask for new lawyers.
And this are attorneys in our legal system? No wonder why it is so screwed up.
Too funny! 🤣😂🤣
These are great...more, please.
I often think that the reason why people who have jobs like this seem to lack common sense is because they either had to remove it just to get all the information into their brains, or they spent so much time studying they couldn’t develop one.