Ep. 100 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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- Опубліковано 17 жов 2024
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Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back together again for episode 100 of 2 Bears, 1 Cave! They talk about the "NYC Still Rising After 20 Years" comedy benefit that Tom performed at with Bill Burr, Amy Schumer, Jon Stewart, Dave Chappelle, Pete Davidson, and many more. Tom reveals that he got very drunk and embarrassed himself in front of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, and shares the interaction he had with one of his comedy idols, Chris Rock. They discuss doing Sober October again, another live show, and Bert reveals the nightmare he had getting through the Denver airport with his family.
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Here is what I love the most about this podcast: sometimes I feel down on myself, whether its eating poorly or skipping gym or whatever, but then I listen to Bert and the plethora of medical issues he has (including shitting his pants and bed) and suddenly I feel better about myself. Thanks Bert!
You mean Bart.. Bart Krushner
Bruce Kreischinger
My tooth was hurting and I was scared of dentist. But then I remembered how fucked up Bert's teeth and why. So I went next day and fixed in 30 minutes. True story
@@AgendaInMind don't copy/paste, you frickin yahoo. Nobody thinks you're smart, or correct.
Ben Karishma
All doctors: Drinking and the subsequent hangovers cause high anxiety and panic attacks
Burnt: *Tito's go brrrrrrrrr*
Nothin a frew shots of Titos won’t take care of
@@BlekJamal With a Red Kool-Aid chaser
VERY accurate. His drinking/ hangover repeating cycle is causing most of if not all of his panic attacks.
@@MarioGonzalez-yq3gw this happened to me too I quit drinking and I literally never had one again lol
BURNT. CHRYSLER.
The moral of that Koolaid story: Bert doesn't wash his hands after he shits.
I took away the same lesson lol
Is anyone surprised?
Explains why he gets sick
I looked through the comments for this I knew it would be close to the top haha
No the moral is he just rinses with water and thinks he is washing. It came off when he used soap
Burt looks like he’s about too say “welcome to Jurassic Park” like he’s somehow a younger and yet fatter version of Dr. John Hammond and I love it!!!
Lol
"Weird choice for a best friend."
- Anthony Jeselnik
"I'm sorry if I'm humiliating myself right now" is such a classic
I don’t know why Bert is so worried about aging. He’s got at least 2 good years left.
“We gunna pass out”
Burt not kidding what so ever 😂😭
Maybe even three
Good though?
Bert wasn't even there and somehow the story is still about him and what he would have done lol.
Lol, I love listening to Bert try to rationalize and dance around the fact the majority of his issues are due to drinking.
Whenever Bart says he is "hyper aware" about anything, let me tell ya, he's not.
He is unaware of the homeless problem in Austin.
He knows that the founder of Reddit is worth nothing and hasn't done anything or made anything compared to an athlete. He doesn't have to even know the guy or Go On Reddit At All to make the assumption that he would be uncomfortable and upset at Tom's story. Oh yeah, He's always High-per Aware. You guys are just Berd hater...or someone with a healthy flow of blood getting to the brain. I couldn't pretend the whole comment, I had to pull my sarcasm, it felt cringe writing everything before the ellipses.
No he's "cognizant"... ahundred percent
Uhhhh nonedred percent
Tommy’s friendship and support for Bert when he was talking about his anxiety was great. Bert definitely isn’t the only one feeling that way these days.
Think we're all feeling like Brent these days. Nobody cares about strangers anymore
Definitely relatable. Bart isn't alone.
We are all here for burnt
I drink a gallon of titos vodka + beers every 3-4 days since my dad died and gf left me. I'm fcked boys. Cheers. I'm also addicted to kratom. I need help
@@ext93 if you're at a point that you know you need help you got to go check yourself in buddy. If you think a turn around isn't possible, just look at uncle joey for inspiration.
Brent always gives affirmation to my decision to quit drinking and makes me feel good. Thanks man!
Bruce: wait, how was Pete effected by it?
Tim: he was on the plane
1:23:51 mini stroke
Bret is morning drinking
@@jbean9021 ahah
@@AgendaInMind Fully tok'd
I love that Bruce is Batmans name and Tim is Robin's name, thus implying that Batman runs around with Kool-Aid stuck to his fingers whilst Robin eggs him on
Bert freaking out about flying commercial on United is super relatable.
Im starting to think Berts so called “Panic Attacks” are actually Alcohol withdrawals 🤷🏻♂️
“ I was shaking …” 😂
Withdrawals can cause panic attacks so you're both right lol
A hundred percents
Alcohol is Definitely the cause of the lack of solid logs.
People use alcohol as a way of self-medicating for so many things. I say this as a doctor that comes across a Brett at least once a day on a day shift and 5 or more on a night shift!
Edit: In full transparency, I spelled Brett wrong. I had to correct seeing I screwed up and wrote it like Bert. Really only corrected it because Tim and Christine's fans would never let me live it down!
For fucks sake! Tom could tell a true story about actually meeting an alien and Bert would still interrupt him every 10 seconds so he could talk about himself. Damn, Bert 🙄
It's wild how much he feels he needs to be the center of attention
Hahahahah that shit is so obnoxious
It's still one of the best comedy podcasts out there and I hate bitching about free content - but damn, Brett really bugs when he interrupts so much - especially when Tom has AMAZING stories to tell about being drunk with Jon Stewart, Dave Attell and other comedy legends. The truly narcissistic thing is whenever Tom talks about Bert to Brett, Brent is completely silent and hanging on every word 😂
I love how Bert says “I tried washing my hands and it didn’t come off the first time. The second time I added soap and it came right off.”
Haha and it shows that he doesn’t wash his hands with soap after the bathroom unless it’s absolutely necessary
😆
I’m pretty sure he just didn’t wash his hands the first time lol
yea like who washes there hands and sees its not getting clean and is like meh thats good. then tries soap later lol
Already know😂
More evidence LeAnn is a saint, Bert poops his pants weekly 😂
That’s all I could think. Especially when he said he shits the bed, approximately once a month.
Also, being the 100th episode, this might've been my top five 2 bears, 1 cave. Tom & Bert's relationship really shines in this one. Love you both.
I feel a ton of anxiety all the time when I binge drink and cut it off suddenly. Then I have a couple drinks and I'm good again! It's like magic!
Alright guys let's all invest in stonks, since according to Barf that's what the founder of reddit did. Can't believe Burp managed to survive to 100 episodes. Let's hope we make to another 100
Bernt gonna have us dump all our money into the BUD stock
Or in Burt Stonks. Lol... Wait I would prolly buy Burt Coin lol
I went to high school with that guy. Without my bullying he wouldn’t be half the man he is. Which is still only like a quarter of the man I am. Nerd.
Can someone make a Burnt crypto coin?
Don't let Bruno fool you, his whole portfolio is divided between Tito's and JetSki companies.
Barf looks like he’s about to say “we spared no expense” to an archaeologist
BAHAHAHA 😆
I don't get it 🧐
@@slywolfe He was referencing Jurassic Park! In this case making the connection that Bert resembles John Hammond!
@@michaelfontaine3844 oooohh! Thanks! Now I see it ahaha
@@slywolfe Anytime 😁
Congrats to Tom and Bert on uhh-hundred amazing episodes
Bert: "OH-MY-GOD. I want to hear ALL about it."
*2 seconds later*
Bert: "OMGOMG ME ME ME ME ME ME ME"
I genuinely don't know how much more I can endure of Bert anymore
agree he’s becoming a pompous ass
@@thecapricorn11 they both are acting that way. Toms become the person he hates imo
@@rickymendoza6173 but bert is being more obnoxious about it imo
@@rickymendoza6173 been thinking this for months...
@@rickymendoza6173 its been like a slow 2 year descent, but Joe Rogan getting that $100 million that really pushed them over the edge...
Bert looks like he’s trying out for the role of “affluent absent dad that is having multiple affairs with hotel maids”
He’s dressed like a Golden Corral version of Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men.
Nah, he's f*ckin' the maids but he pays them.
@@r.zachhowell1009 😂😂😂 yoooooo. This is low key the best comment
You said maids, that might imply women buy with his hat and how drunk he can get I am thinking men.
So specific, I fucking love it lmao
Bert looks like the old man who brought the dinosaurs back in Jurassic park.
Burnt "we've got a T-Rex" chrysler
John Hammond
"Darling Dickie" Attenborough.....or "Big X" from the Great escape, Pinky from Brighton Rock......Dude's been in more classic movies than all the current Hollywood "Stars"combined!
Burt playing with dinosaur DNA, how could that go wrong? he had a great idea.
“ HOW DO YOU MAKE MONEY OFF CO FOUNDING REDIT!?!?” idk Bruce how do make money off telling the same story for 20 years
Faaaacts. Cant wait for the movie to come out for everyone to realize hes not actually that funny. There...I said it...
Reddit sucks balls why wipe acting like they arent the livewire of the internet
@@elizabethmccleary7331 WRONG. you'd surprised to know that most things break on reddit before any other platform. Reddit is the place for degenerates as well as the high society.
@@WickedSpade nope lmao wayyyy not true but nice try
@@WickedSpade Reddit is where you go down the rabbit hole and where you can find some quality information on possibly literally any subject but twitter is where the news breaks first now. twitter beats all emergency service alerts lmao
My dog passed away this afternoon I just got done burying her... I never thought I'd laugh again today after that.... Until I finished this episode thank you Tom thank you Bert for shining a little bit of light on this really sad and emotional monday
#RestInParadise #tequila #2Bears1Cave #LaughterIsMedicine
God bless and may you be healed
I thank you both SO SO much 🤟🤘✌️
Toby's face every time he's reminded that he's friends with a giant toddler ♥️
"Why does he have so many pictures?"
"I don't know."
"Maybe he's making a coffee book."
Brick Kreickler everybody
At first the shirt and hat made me think Bert is having a mid-life crisis, but now I’m thinking it’s more like a 95% life crisis
He’s nearly 50 he’s already beat all the odds lol
Mickey Mantle genes FTW
Can you have a mid-life crisis if your entire life is a crisis?
@@mrs.h2725 😂🤣😂🤣
He looks like Truman Capote.
Bruce: desperately "washes" hands wondering if he needs to panic yet.
Uses soap, sees it helps the Kool aid come off: probaably still won't make the connection that the pool is not a shower. 😂
He’s at home putting soap in his pool at this moment
I am 1000% convinced that Bert needs therapy.
Oh, a HUUNdruhd percent.
He'd be perfect candidate because he loooooves talking about himself
And a divorce
It took you 100 episodes to figure that out? 😂
@@colebz420 yeah, jesus, just get a divorce already. Stop talking about how much you hate your wife
I wonder if Bert will ever realize it’s his alcoholism causing his anxiety
Idky but this was the first time I was wondering how nobody realizes this, or at the very least mentions it. It was very obvious to me as soon as Tom asked where they're coming from. For being such a hypochondriac, Burnt doesn't ever seem to think alcohol has anything to do with symptoms he experiences.
Is that a possibility, new here
@@joeburrow6087 Anxiety is a common side effect of any type of habitual substance abuse.
@@joeburrow6087 I quit drinking and my anxiety subsided BIG TIME
@@StonyTable because addicts always make excuses and deals with themselves.
Tom does one of the craziest shows but yet I’m hearin bout Bruce’s anxiety problems again 🤦🏽♂️
Hearing bert saying "I'm gonna pass out " in the background while Tom keeps talking is fucking hilarious
Timestamp? I missed it.
@@volcryndarkstar 11:47
Holy shit, the "So-Cal president" has to be one of the best intros to date.
Tim has one of the most incredible venue and show of a lifetime, but let’s talk about Brents anxiety at the airport
Who tf is Tim and Brent
@@JerryT5200 You don’t watch these guys much, do you?
I know Burnt is a grown man, but he’s going to end up at his alcoholic bottom or dead sooner rather than later. There needs to be some sort of intervention for Mr. Klansman
Are you living in a alternate universe ?
Anxiety by true way, he talks about all the time in every podcast he’s on. He’s talked about it on Rogan as well.
"Hey big guy, are you drinking Kool-aid?"
And I WAS drinking Kool-aid!
The best haha
Bert looks like he just got back from Columbia and hasn’t removed the coke from his prison wallet yet.
YES!
What do you mean? it's just his allergies acting up.........😏
booger sugar🙃
@@Patrik1st ‘I gotta take a shit- nah I should hold it’ 😆
Brent looks like a mid-level Cuban mob boss in the vice city game. The one who thinks he’s the boss but is really like a third cousin to the bosses wife or some shit. Lmao 🤣
Bruce was so mad nobody wanted him at the event and just tried to shit on every detail of toms story smh
And then Tom said that’s means I would get there after you Bert! (About arriving at the show at 8 instead of 7)
Honestly he probably could've replaced some of the people. Sebastian would've fit also, Kevin James was in NY, Chris D, Schultz
Jeez, did Brent started training for how to be extra annoying during Tom's stories? I gotta say it's giving more results than his imaginary gym training
"a quarter?? you're fine" im dead lmao
Burnt- “ I could use a sober October I’m not gonna lie to ya” 😂😂
Bart: "I have such a busy day."
*has to eat lunch then talk into a mic at dinner time.*
Bart 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
And a mid day Xanax...lol
That whole airport story about how Bert was treated and him talking about the private plane/pissing on and wasting $20k was the most diva shit I’ve ever heard.
He is absolutely a diva and it’s hilarious.
@@stivesyy uhh hundred purcent! But he says what so many rich people feel. It’s relieving and definitely what most people would do if they could.
Like Ari said last episode “way to relate to your fans.”
Theres a separate TSA checkpoint over to A concourse in Denver... nobody tell Bruce or he and Tim are going on a murder spree
i thought the whole story was an exemplification of a severe anxiety disorder but ya diva - ok
Fell off the wagon with koolaid is so funny to me lmaoo
32:25. Hahaha
That Colorado KoolAid gets us all bud!
Also...
Two Bears one Cave?
Aren't these guys both married? Not even to each other? Lol
Wives must be thrilled...
So glad I heard more about Barts flying trip than Toms actual cool storu
C'mon with the hats Bert. Seriously.
😂😂😂 We need his father figure (Bill Burr) to keep him in line. He doesn’t pull this shit on ole Billy Redballs.
20:30 Brent: "What does Chappelle need a photographer for? Maybe he's making a book. A coffee book". Lol
Hes compiling a catalogue like epstein🤣
@@bobdebuilda3877 may not be far off
Boy, listening to bert scream about having to fly commercial for ten minutes and then talk about pissing on 20 grand sure is relatable
Right before Tom tells him that his anxiety is caused by being around too many poor people lol
They way Bert describes his quarantine experience makes wherever he lives sound like hell
ya he lives with his wife
howling laughing at the shit the bed bit. Tom trying to hide his disgust is hilarious
Bart is dressed like he ran out of money and is living with his parents in a condo in central Florida
He looks like he owns a flipflop company lol
Bort
I thought he looks like he owns tigers
Skip to 1:45
Skip 1st ad read--> 23:06
Skip 2nd ad read--> 43:50
Skip last ad read--> 1:08:46
Mxc rules
Guy here! Arby's Curly Fries also rule!
The one thing I know for sure, Bruce ate both of those entire sandwiches
Bert, just get some therapy dude. Don't see it as therapy, see it as life coaching. We can all use a coach to get better. Even LeBron James, the best basketball player on the planet has a coach. We love you!
life coach sounds retarded therapy sounds wayyy better
Goddammit man. Even when it's someone else's story, it never fails, Bert will fill in the story with his own version of events and accept *those* as the facts. It is infuriating after a while.
I'm 20 minutes in and have yelled shut up Bart at least 5 times. I swear he better let Tom tell this story and not interrupt him 1000 times like he did with the McGregor fights story to where he never finishes.
it's his most annoying episode in a while
Starting off talking about that huge NY show sent his ego into overdrive
He doesn’t usually bother me but he’s a bit of a dildo in this episode
@@rideorfly13 fr
How did that McGregor story end I never heard the ending
*Tom trying to tell a story*
Bert interupting, "im gunna pass out im gunna pass out im gunna pass out "
Holy shit Toms patience impresses me.
Inside joke
Jesus, Bert really does well at stopping trains of thought every 5 seconds
I love how Bert asks Tom to tell him stories so enthusiastically.
Yet never lets him finish them
16:17 - 16:49 The hardest I’ve laughed in about a month
bert looks like hes going to introduce us to jurassic park
Bert thought he was Pete's friend and he didn't even know his dad died as a fire fighter on 9/11, when that's all he talks about.
Bert being someone's friend means he's talked at them a decent amount lol
Something about that makes me think he was joking.
It's an inside joke between them. Like when Pete says "Bert was involved with the Russian mafia?"
I love Bert but his worst qualities are glowing through on this one.
He is truly his own worst enemy
What exactly did you observe in this one? Genuinely curious. he does seem off as hell but can't put my finger on it
@@thatrunawayguy3555 I’m not sure if this is exactly what he’s talking about but Bert is visibly drunk in this episode. Like it’s a problem. His face is red, he’s slurring his speech more often than not, and he’s doing everything he can to interject and resetting to make himself the focus of the conversation every 15 seconds. This is by far his worst episode.
When you see how fucked up Tom still is during this podcast, then Bert next to him you get to see just how fucked up Bert is daily.
@@carson911 yea if thats true he's gonna have a Real issue on his hands, take it from some1 who used to do rails of oxycontin cocaine and xanax combined......Xannies (any benzo really) but especially xannies combined with alcohol can get Real ugly Real fast.
Gotta love how Tom had a crazy night with so many good comics, yet bert ended up talking 90% of the time about his flight and alcohol withdrawals. 😂
id rather hear bert airport story since it was probably the most relatable thing that could happened to everyone.. hanging out and partying with celebrities after a fundraising event? not really and i believe that tom is not really into it either and would rather go home and be with himself 😂😂
"You don't have homeless people in Austin" I swear Bert is literally oblivious to everything
Tom doesn't own homeless people in Austin.
Well compare the homeless population in Austin vs Los Angeles, and the homeless situation in Austin looks like nothing
@@idoqpobi Austin is like 2 million people, LA is 13 million. Not exactly a shocker that a city that's more the 6 times as big has more homeless people....
@@davebcf1231 why try to justify it?
@@kcrichton7485 Try to justify what? It's just a simple fact that LA is a way bigger city than Austin. Didn't try to justify anything, bud.
The one thing that annoys me about Bert is that when he says he’s “ I’m gonna pass out” but then he doesn’t pass out. Bert we wanna see you pass out!
This would definitely make it easier to hear Tom...
@@JasonAJames I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you Bert was talking haha
No we don’t. Just you and 43 people.
Just like when Tom dies laughing and says “I’m gonna throw up” 😂
Meanwhile the reddit guy could buy and sell Bert's whole life.
Bert? You means Bruce?
@@gwildordipkin6504 bryce?
I couldn’t tell if he was being serious there 😂 Reddit is fuckin huge
While Reddit is huge, the whole point is that it’s free, so it’s hard to monetize. He’s actually not that rich according to his net worth. He only sold Reddit for 10 mill.
@@jwizdum2103 oh he was a hundred percent.
Can we all just take a moment to address the fact that Bert used the word “Liverpudlian”, used it correctly, and pronounced it correctly, without hesitation? …But then did that accent.
When
@@filthyfrank.5 around the 1:19:00 mark, he’s talking about fucking a chick from Liverpool
Bert going off about the rental car and the plane ride made my day 😂😂😂
"Whatever... BRUCE KRESSLER" lmfao
BERT IS BEING SUCH AN AMAZING LISTENER TODAY!
LOL solid meme I love it
Drinking Game: Drink every time Bert lies about not drinking on stage
The only liver that could handle that amount of booze is Bart
100 episodes and less than 100 total seconds of Tom talking. Love ya Bruce
Every time Tim has an amazing story I would love to hear, Bart manages to interrupt and ramble long enough to get the focus back on himself! And I get left with blue balls listening to the start of stories and never hearing the end
Is " Leaky submarine"" Amy Schumer? Lmao
46:10 Celebrities:They're just like regular folks! Bart proving he's the real People's Champ lol
Burt is back on koolaid and back to being insecure af
The best
I invisted in stonks
Koolaid is like heroin for Bruce. He’ll never truly escape it
It's b/c of All the Booze! He doesn't even realize how much it Messes him Up. We all see it but he can't 🤔🤔
Safari Barbie needs more than a quarter of one Xanax.
Bret Kreisler looks like he should be running Jurassic Park.
Underrated comment.
He looks exactly like the old dude 🤣🤣
That's hilarious
Nailed it on the head! 😂
Man, Bert gets really stressed about choosing first class or private, sending his kids to college, and Tom giving him a really expensive gift. Poor guy.
It was a long road just to tell us his first world problems
Well what are you getting him
@@idoqpobi A little ranch on ten acres in Brooksville, probably.
i almost blacked out coughing from the hit i just took at 36:00 lmao f'in Bert
the first half of this episode is bert being jealous and slandering people because of it 😂
Bert has said 10000 times this is why he doesn't do roasts people don't like to hear his say things like this. Like ari or Tom or Joe or Bobby could have said the same stuff and no one would bat an eye.
Brett literally never been so interested in someone else's story until now.
@@noafroman1 That’s very true I wonder what it is about bert that makes him come off so unlikeable when he says things anyone else would get away with
It’s so funny to listen to Brett tell a story about a “panic attack” when it is clearly withdrawal symptoms. And when the symptoms went away at landing that was because it was ok to start drinking.
Definitely a major factor
Ding! Correct! It’s ALCOHOL withdrawl induced anxiety. I’ve had it myself
@@nosaj666 you don’t know that for certain unless you actually are looking after him on a personal level.
Proof?
But ppl drink on planes all the time
Burt’s got me questioning my own drinking problem. The anxiety is one hundred 💯 percent the result of drinking
Absolutely. I didn't used to notice this as a younger man, but now I'm 30 and I notice that one of the worst effects of a hangover is anxiety. If I drink everyday for a couple weeks I will be anxious for the first two days after not drinking, and then it goes away. I think that Bert's anxiety is being greatly exacerbated by boozing often and heavily.
@@peanutgallery7753 Only for 2 days afterwards? Thank you for sharing!
I've been having trouble with my sobriety lately. Thinking about how things will be afterwards has been really intimidating.
@@ssheeessh I mean everyone varies, but that is my experience. I usually drink every weekend and have a few in the evenings during the week. I did sober October last year and that was the first time I went for more than a week in 5 years. It was surprisingly easy. My mood was a lot more stable.
I thought in social situations where everyone is drinking I would be uncomfortable and not have fun. But this wasn't the case. I tended to still have a good time, just feeding off other people's energy. The only thing is when you first get to a party and are a little anxious, normally you'd have a drink in your hand to focus on. But that nervousness goes away after a bit and then you are just shooting the shit with your friends.
At 9am, Berb looks like it’s 3am on Saturday
I lost my shit laughing at the inadvertent tattoo joke xD
13:26 *_"The Reason" by Hoobastank starts playing softly in the distance as a montage of Chris Rock's greatest moments flash before Tom's eyes. A single thug tear rolls down his cheek...My man._*
Well done, pictured it perfectly as I read it. Now I'm going to be singing that all day
I Found a reasssoooon for meeee!!
To change who I used to beeeee!!!!
@@arbyscurlyfries9490 low key hoping someone like mr clavicles sees this and makes it into a real clip for us ✌😂💓
yeah if you completely ignore what the song is about and think chris rock is a thug. Its totally like that.
I don’t understand why any company would send Bert free shit. He never remembers the name of the products lol
Bart gets so aggressive when he is jealous.
Bart's wife is just quietly setting her life up for after Bart meets his inevitable alcohol related demise. She's not gonna allow spending like that😂
Yeah there's no way she's not protecting her investment
I really like the shifting camera angles, it makes the video of the show more engaging
The way Burp describes his airport experience is how he makes people feel. Hear him talk is enough to give anyone a panic attack. Shocker that a man who downs a gallon of koolaid has so much anxiety
So you come back even though it induces anxiety
Pour one out for the guy who thinks first class over private is life's biggest issue.
Burp Chrysler
@@Doorito_ I only come for Tom, dont be R worded, I tolerate Bruce because of him
Any dr. That knows basic medicine would tell him his anxiety is from alcoholism
“Working out is what evens me out”
- Sure buddy, super even.
Bert is SO jealous!
Also, UNITED doesn’t serve alcohol anymore.
Bert looks like a futuristic safari tour guide
This is a proud day. This is the only pod I've watched all episodes of. Thanks guys.