Is Your Spouse In Denial About Their Alcohol Addiction?
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- Опубліковано 28 чер 2024
- Your love for your spouse does not mean you have to tolerate their addiction. Even in denial, the right communication can end their addiction. Watch this video on how to address their addiction in a way that your love is felt.
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Girl I am currently one year and 9 months clean and I am in medicated assisted treatment and i can NOT tell you how true this is. The more anyone "TOLD" me what to do the more i would do the opposite. Even my addiction counselor would TELL me what SHE wanted me to do and it took a long time for me to realize that THAT doesn't work for ME. I had to feel like I had SOME control and so if I didn't feel like it was my idea and i was doing it because someone else told me too.... I failed every single time. Finally one day my addiction counselor kind of snapped at me and she raises her voice and, ill never forget this...., she said "What do I have to do to get you to see...." blah blah blah and I have no idea where it came from but I ended up standing up and pointing my finger in her face and saying... "What do I have to do to get you to SEE that this isnt about YOU damn it! If YOU want to help me you had better stop TELLING me what to do and jhst simply SUGGEST what to do... I do not like being told what to do". And from then on we had a super close bond and I have been getting clean every since. She realized that I was right... and from tben on she has stopped demanding anything from me and she suggested things she feels are good for me but it still gives me the chance to feel like I am making my own choices. Even when in the end it is basically the same thing to her.... it is completely different to me and I have been able to be sober since February 11th 2022.
Us addicts are out of control of our lives when we are active.... So always remember that if you suggest things to give them the opportunity to make a choice it helps them/us to feel like we have just a little control and that really goes a long way.
I thought my husband and I were doing better. We went to eat last night. I picked a country buffet because no alcohol. We seemed to be getting along well. He got up this morning and got us coffee then said that he was going to work next door. I go over to see what he wants for lunch and he is drunk next door! I did freak out because I never expected this. Now I went to stay in a hotel tonight with the kids. I can't afford soberlink. At least tonight I have a break from the chaos. I will have to work on getting an income to support my children. I don't have any friends or family.
I just left my 3.5 year relationship because he started being in denial about his drinking. I was living with him and we were gonna get married soon. Now that I left, I am being tormented by the aftermath of things. Could you please do a video on how to get over this torment after leaving a relationship with an alcoholic partner??
I feel like he mentally abused me making me believe that he’s going to get better someday and he never did :/
Rewinding going back to step number one.
Right now my only thought is wanting to give up on my Husband and the years of drinking that seems to be getting worse. We just experienced our very first tornado here where I live, that never happens here. I'm not sure what was more frightening, the bedroom collapsing in, roof tiles flying off, water running down walls and ceiling fans or my very drunk husband. I felt alone, frightened, unsure of what to do while all he wanted to do was drink and no care to keep his family safe. How do I help someone who even under those crazy conditions still only thought of himself with no care to protect his family. I don't know what to do anymore.
Im sorry this happened to you :( it doesnt sound like you can do anything, you need to protect your familiy first
It doesn't help to get clean and sober if you don't do therapy for unresolved trauma issues. Many addicts are trying to escape pain and numb out. Just like regular health, if you don't deal with the root cause of why they started using in the first place, it's hard to maintain that's sobriety.
Strong boundaries need to be set and maintained.
Nice video, really, and I do believe what you say it’s true. But… it seems a whole lot of work, understanding, patience, love, and so on, from our side, while on the other there is only a selfish person that denies having a problem. Sure we should want to help them. But after trying almost everything, I am of the idea that now I should help myself and stop him from destroying further my life. I wasted 6 years, now I am even to old to have kids. While he can always find a younger woman. That what I got for having faith in him and believing my love could help him. If they don’t love themselves enough to stop, at least they could do it cause they love us. Instead no. And I’d say, we deserve better. I wish I had never met him, or at least I had left him 5 years ago
Would you point out to the addicted love one that they completely change when they drink into a mean, abrasive, angry person that nobody wants to be around?
It's so difficult I always think I wish the sober them could see themselves in that state I know my one would hate himself but when they are drinking/using they don't think they are like that and think they are struggling and suffering and that we are just getting on at them for maybe financial reasons etc
Next week, I'm releasing a video on that exact topic. Be on the lookout!
I am so frustrated doing this dance. The bad behavior killing me. The natural consequences of staying out till all hours of the morning is an angry wife I keep trying to curve. This is the part of the invisible intervention I can’t seem to conquer. The lack of sleep, and his circadian rhythm being out of whack, seems to have a bigger impact on his health mood, and the people around him more than anything else. Interrupting my sleep doesn’t make me a very pleasant person to be around either
I am sober. Other person is not.. drinking enough to affect health . Not alcoholic but moderate to heavy…. About15 drinks a week. Should stop for their health I do understand them No way they will quit
Wait. Did ypu actually mean to write "About 15 drinks a week."...?
Ugh. I can't take this anymore. I myself was an addict since 12 years old. (A DR prescribed me opiates for something that I would eventually learn later, never even had. "FMFD." ..."Familial Mediterranean Fever Disease" despite him knowing Ive never traveled but played putside & in woods my whole childhood in Upstate N.Y.. My first symptom of my mysterious illness? Joint pains in fingers at just 3 years old followed by extremely stiff neck starting at about 4 years old along with not being able to sit "Criss-Cross-Apple-Sauce/ "Indian"-Style in Kindergarten because it hurt my knees and ankles so badly & then the stiffness would make it so I couldn't stand up after sitting like that for more than 2 or so minutes. Next? Extreme fatigue, muscle cramping, night sweats, terrible pain everywhere. As well as seizures which we didn't know were happening until it I was 27 and layed alone in bed for 3 days straight due to something called "Status Epilepticus". Turned out I've had Lyme & a few Co-infections since at least 3, possibly got it from my Mother who also has Late- Stage Lyme. And a pretty rare form of Epilepsy as well as a CHD that requires surgery soon. And crippling Poly-Osteo Arthritis everywhere.. Among some other things, but to get back to what I was saying...- I'm now 30 ...ish...😅 So, I "get it" so much more than my/our addicted loved ones will ever truly think, believe, comprehend, understand... Oooh, boy, do I...!!! !!!!
I finally conquered my own demons, but needed three rehabs back to back to really do it for GOOD!!! I checked myself into a crappy detox in A hospital in late 2015, about 7 months after my Aunt took her own life & just less than 1 week later- My Dad- (his only sibling was his little sister; who was my Aunt who passed away by "suicide" *supposedly*) -had passed away by Overdose. Methadone & Alprozolam("Xanax").
I checked out/*graduated* my final long-term rehab in late 2016. Let me tell you..... It was hell. - Cold turkey withdrawals for weeks, with extreme chronic pain and illnesses on top of it all. And just to try to make it to any of my in-patient rehab groups on time, or to NOT fall asleep during any of them- I still have no idea how I did it... But here I am. Everything I know, everyone I love, everyone I met in all of those Rehabs and meetings- They are ALL GONE. Dead. Many Alcoholics, not just "Opiate abusers or other drugs. And now, I have to watch another piece of my heart be slowly taken away, drowning himself in the liquor he can never seem to get enough of- No matter how much he can admit he knows it's killing him!
Living together 6 years now, he has been drinking 15-25 shots of rum a day! For almost 2 years. It started slow, like your person...
Try to help them while there's still time. The love of my life is unrecognizable and I think he is starting to die. He's withering away- fast. Won't even go to the Doctor to get some tests done on liver, kidneys, stomach, bladder... (Bones if need be but shhhh... I wouldn't tell him that because then he definitely would never go!) Even though he knows he is dying... He won't even get a simple check up and few blood tests...
I know that if I would have been more on top of it back when he was only drinking like the person you described does now, I know deep down that I could have helped him help himself sooner or at the very least delayed it for a few years... I'm going to lose him (what's still left of him*) soon and I can see it in his eyes.
I'm sorry if this comment seems all over the place. Im just losing my mind. One damn day. Hour. Minute.. Second... At a time....
Good Luck with everything. I hope your person sees what he's heading towards before he gets any worse. 🙏🏻 🚱
I am Agnostic - But just know that I will still be praying for you and your person, now.
🤍 -Aly
Question: I believe my husband is a functional alcoholic. 3-5 beers and 2-4 whiskeys a night. He works on a boat for 2 months at a time and alcohol isnt aloud.
Hes conditioned me to not bring it up anymore because he claims it could be worse, we can afford it, and there isnt a problem, and gets angry with me for bringing it up and denies my feelings.
Hes usually chatty only once he gets alcohol in his system. But he doesnt remember most of it.
Sex sucks when he drinks.
It is effecting us, I feel less important than his alcohol.
Lately he has become very snappy with me, looking to pick fights..
We have been married for 7 years, and have 5 kids (7yrs and under).
Would love any advice you can give me in my circumstance.
Hi Rebecca. Take a look at my most recent video. It's called, "The truth about living as a functional alcoholic"
What if you listen to them and are on their side but also authentic in saying something is a bad choice and then their consequences from that choice happen. Then what do you do? I know we can't say to them I told you this would happen, but how are you supportive and on their side or sympathetic to what their consequence?
Personally i do not find this works, because by not talking about it and being the good cop, they think they are fine doing what they are doing. Maybe you are only seeing the success stories of this intervention. If you had been the bad cop for a long time, maybe this would work as you are doing a 180 degree shift. Not sure, I can't see that I will be doing a lot different. Feels enabling no matter how you look at it. Just get on with your own life !