There are almost always reasons that have nothing to do with loving that spouse more. It's a deeply complicated unhealthy psychological reaction. Usually based in several kinds of fear. And deep seated need for denial.
It’s way too common and it’s pretty heartbreaking it reminds me of a story my mom told me where a poor girl got molested by her Mothers boyfriend, she told her mom and her mom disowned her for ‘getting inbetween them’, thankfully she had her grandma to save her from homelessness. How you can choose your lover over your own children Is beyond me
Yep. Slightly different scenario, but my father once asked me who was my favorite family member, him or my mother. I replied "My sister" and he got MAD!! It's no secret she's my favorite, I mean it's kinda a given seeing as she treats me like a human being deserving of basic human decency. Wild concept. Whereas my parents treat me like a disobedient puppet.
Former child, current parent, thanks for this protip! It never would have occurred to me to say smth that cruel but it is nice to know science is on top of this situation
I'd go so far to say, don't THINK such things. Because your actions will follow your thoughts. And children (especially small ones) pick up on your subtle intentions. You gotta unpack those thoughts and shift your thinking.
What’s the goal of saying that? The only goal I can see in that is upsetting the child. That’s so dumb. Also I agree 100% with not thinking “Who do I love more”
@@ChaoticAngelKitten I almost certainly have ADHD...and proposed to my ex-wife while she was cleaning slime out of the vegetable drawer. I had just woken up that morning, saw her, was so in love, and...
@@grmpEqweer That’s super cute. Lol. My nurse practitioner is pretty sure I’m on the spectrum. My brother was severely autistic and we were both premature. 30% of premature babies turn out to be on the spectrum compared to 1% who aren’t. I like to those those numbers are anti-vaxxers who are all, vaccines cause autism! Lol
i totally agree with you and think you are 100% right but i can't but quote lil dicky when he was told he was comparing apples to oranges: "why can't fruit be compared?"
Yeah. You can't compare love. You'r parents, children, etc. are all different types of love and can be Infinitily large theoretically. You can't make that statment. That's not a wighable or a comparable thing
That's it exactly! You love your chicken (lol I had to leave the autocorrect from children😂) in a different way than you live your spouse or significant other. It isn't the same type of love. So technically you could love them the same amount.
i know i'm generalizing but people who feel this way tend to be the kind of folks who keep score in all their relationships. if they did the slightest thing for you, they will never let you forget it. if they show up for work and do their job they expect every one to praise them for it and more importantly, be very grateful. when they do have children, they expect those children to be grateful too, even if the parent is just doing the bare minimum, and if the kids arent grateful enough, then they will say shit like this to purposely hurt the ungrateful child as punishment.
My father was bitterly jealous of any time my mother spent with me. Eventually, he forced her to chose him or me. She chose him, in a multitude of little ways. While occasionally giving me little treats or attention, out of his sight, with the warning not to mention it to him. She made a point to say that couples should put their marriage before their children. I distanced myself from them as soon as I was out of the house, and didn't speak to either the last decade or so of their lives. Jealousy kills love.
I’ve no idea why the “keep sweet” woman feels the need to defend the toxic father. He was completely unhinged saying such a hurtful thing to his daughter. Wow!!
Her channel’s purpose is to cater to men by disagreeing with women, even if the women are more right in some cases. Most of her videos are of her arguing that men are right 90% and women are wrong, yet I’ve never seen a video where she agrees that women are right.
@@MayBlake_Channel she seems like one of those women raised in fundamentalist Christianity who are expected to keep sweet with their husband, even if he’s being a jerk, or worse.
After my husband and I had our first child, we had a conversation similar to the one you had with your wife. I told my husband that if ever we were an active shooter situation I would want him to pick up our kids and run with them, because he can run faster than I can, and to leave me behind. Why? Because I love my children. And if he didn’t love them enough to leave me behind, then we were not going to work as a family.
Obviously, great to have such communication, it's just so depressing (as a Brit) to hear that creating an action plan for an active shooting situation is something that you need to worry about (I'm guessing you're in the States?)
I had children before we had to worry about shooters fortunately. But I always figured if it came down to it I might save my husband because he could then help me save the four kids. But there are so many crazy scenarios you can make up in your head that you hope will never happen. You really can’t dwell on it. At this point in my life I’m willing to jump in and be the target to let the young people escape.
This is so strange to me; the love I feel for my husband and the love I have for me son are VERY different and in no way compete with each other. And if we were using the 'who would you save in a fire' test, my son wins hands down but that's because he's a child!
The "who would I save in a fire" test is how I explained that I don't have a favorite to my children. They were each saying the other ones were the favorite and I sat them down and said, Which one of you do you think I would let die if this house caught on fire? And it helped all of them to realize I love them all and would die for any of them. It cut out a. Lot of back and forth fighting between them.
this is exactly it! the child should always be the priority over the partner because they rely on their parents and the partner is a grown adult, but that doesn't mean we need to rank people on the "who do i love more list". like what?? so bizarre for the original video's poster to even think that way let alone tell a child that they're loved less💀
I think people are defining 'love' wrong. The love is equal (but different) for spouse & children. But if you define love as "who you're going to provide for their needs first" - that should almost *always* be the kids. Because kids cannot provide for themselves and your adult spouse *can.* For men to say they 'love' their spouse more, means they see their spouse as requiring more 'providing for' than their own kids. It's infantilizing their wife. Whereas a woman 'loving' her kids more says that she expects her husband to be able to provide for his own needs like an adult should.
This! I can also imagine, some of those type of fathers are selfish and not a great help around the house or childcare. They could see their wife as a provider for themselves, like cooking, cleaning etc. and the children as a burden, because they don’t provide for the father. Instead, they have needs that need to be fulfilled. So they love their wife more, because she makes his life easier, while children make it harder if they don’t enjoy being a dad.
in my mind, you are that child's one and only mom/dad. they don't get to choose that so you have a responsibility to put them first. the same men who say differently would lose their minds if their moms told them they weren't number 1 in their heart
I remember being about 8 and my mom told me a mother’s first responsibility is to their children. “Never put a man above” because adults can choose each other but children can’t choose their parents. I suspect she was reminding herself: my stepdad was not big on kids…….
Absolutely! When I got pregnant I had a girl ask me, "How do you feel about your man loving someone more than you?" and I found it so absolutely sad and insane that this person thought like this. I described to her about this one time where my husband was on the floor playing with our cat, the cat loved him so so much and vice versa and how I loved the joy I saw on my husband's face and my cat's behavior. When you love someone you want them to have meaningful, fulfilling relationships. There's no jealousy and no comparison. If I loved him so much he wasn't allowed to have deep and varied love with others, it's not love and he would deserve better than me.
Growing up my dad regularly told me I was stupid and an embarrassment to him compared to my brothers. He'd also complain about my mom and compare her to other women at church. I now have no relationship with him..
Good for you. Genuinely. Not everyone is capable of cutting off such a toxic relationship. I know it’s unfair you had to at all but I’m glad you valued yourself and your mother highly enough to do so.
My ex constantly asked me who my parents loved the most of my siblings, and he absolutely wouldn't accept my answer that they loved us equally. Massive red flag--he was trying to sow doubt in my mind and isolate me from my family.
I have 4 younger siblings and would ask our mom that sometimes. The answer is always the dog. Not because she actually loves our dog more than us, but because she loves us all equally- including the dog. You'd understand if you met her. She's the most perfect dog for our family.
Putting your spouse above your children is how you end up with your children refusing to speak with you as adults because you ignored the mistreatment they suffered.
I outright told my gf that I expect her kid to be first to her, any other answer would be unacceptable. I'm a 28 year old, I can take care of myself. Children should be first. People who can't put their literal children first should not have children. Period.
@teshlafreeman4040 he wasn't ordering nor dictating her feelings. He was upfront about what he expected her priorities to be. He expected her #1 external priority to always be her child because he's not a man-baby.
My dad actually threatened my siblings and I that if we hurt mom, he would "deal with us" or "kick us out". Mind you, I'm a very shy 13 yr old who cry's when catapillers get squished, my sister is 11 and my brother is 7. My dad really thought any of his kids were going to him our mom. And he wonders why the only bond I have with him is fear yet as I moved out I lost that fear. Probably because I realized if he played one hand on me, I can take his ass to court for battery. Once I had that power, that man became the weakest person I have ever seen. To threaten to hit your own kids over a fictional event you made up in your own head.
I unconditionally love my children. I do not unconditionally love anyone else - I have healthy boundaries in the relationships I have with other adults, romantic or otherwise. I will always put my children above everywhere else, because they are dependents who NEED me. Adults do not need another adult.
Yeah, I don't have any kids but would love to in the future, but yeah honestly if people aren't gonna put their kid's needs first then they shouldn't have children, that should be the whole point of parenthood. Like you said, kids need us in ways that other adults don't. They depend on us and if their own parents aren't gonna put them first who is? Honestly if my future partner doesn't have unconditional love for our kids or put their needs first then that's not someone I want to raise children with.
It's not "more." It's different. In other languages, there are more ways to say love because there is a different kind of love for each relationship. I love my spouse. I love my parents. I love my kids. I love my friends. I love my pets. All of those are different kinds of love. But in English, it all uses the same four letter word.
Yeah. Filial love is love for family. Platonic is non-sexual love for another person, etc. I guess English uses modifiers like parental love, brotherly/sisterly love. But then again we also don't have a proper way to say a plural you. I kind of like "you all." Again, two words!
@@unicorntamer2207 Y'all, youse, yinz, you'uns, etc. Also, I think "ye" is still technically the correct way to say plural you in english, but it's incredibly archaic lol
I think this is like asking someone to choose between air and water. You can’t. I have three adult children whom I gave birth to, one that is every bit my child even though I didn’t birth him and a husband I’ve been married to for over 40 years. Who do I love more? Who do I love less? It’s like telling your kid that their sibling is your favorite! Yikes!🌸
My Nan has favourites- she’s still lovely & giving to the highest degree & would die for her 30+ grandchildren as well as her great grandchildren; but she still has favourites, always has, & she will tell you honestly who her favourite is; as a result my Mim doesn’t have favourites (though I know it’s me secretly 😉😅🤣… just kidding 😅🤣😂).
@@MorbidClown I think once you hit grandkids or nieces abd nephews you're allowed to have favourites to some degree. They're not *your* kids that you're somewhat obligated to love equally and unconditionally. Just the fact that you will probably see way more of one than another makes it almost inevitable
A love for a spouse is a love for a companion. Someone you have chosen to be with, who will be there with you through thick and thin. A love for a child is a love for something that you didn’t just create, but are still in the process of creating through raising them. They are a small, defenceless thing that it is your job to turn into a well-adjusted member of society. It is a love that has much more giving and responsibility, and much less in the way of reciprocation. …I have a hunch that that last part about more giving and less taking is why a lot of men see it as a lesser love. They personally benefit less from it.
I pity people who have a fixed amount of love to share with the people in their lives. And even more pity for those they doles out that scarce amount of love to.
I forget the exact line, but in Much Ado About Nothing, I think Claudio says something along the lines of I were little happy if I could say how much. If you can define how much you love someone, then it probably isn't very much.
For them, the scarcity is a feature, not a bug. Scarcity begets competition, and nothing makes these men feel as powerful as people competing for what little love they have to give. When I tell my best friend that I love him, it doesn't take away from the love that I'm able to give to my wife or my daughter. Love and fulfillment have a way of building on one another. My partner understands that I have more capacity to love her due to having fulfilling, loving relationships with my friends, and my partner's love for me is only increased when I show my kid that I'm capable of fulfilling her emotional needs. The competition isn't necessary.
I’d argue that everyone has limited emotional bandwidth before they get fatigued. That’s why staying in toxic relationships and friendships is so miserable; that burnout is getting close to the “love limit.” I’m glad you haven’t found your floor yet.
As an autistic dude who is nowhere near to having a family, your video is very useful. 1. 1:00 I had not considered lying, so this is a good thing to not destroy the child's feelings. 2. You are right, there are differents types of love in greek language: eros, philia, storge, pragma, ludos, mania and so on, cathegorizing helps.
My mom put it this way “1st is God, then my husband, then your brothers & then you.” I am the oldest and the only girl who grew up knowing how disappointing it was for my parents to have a girl first. They loved telling the story of what my name would have been if I were a boy. My brother was born exactly one year and one day after I was. As a child they never celebrated my birthday unless in conjunction with my brother because it was too much work for her. It took many years and a few therapists before I started to embrace the fact that I am worthy of love just the way I am. Our hearts are capable of much love, it is not necessary to decide who we love more. That is, unless one has a narcissistic parent. I want to hug this young person and let her know that her father’s statement has NOTHING to do with who she is but says much about her father.
It’s sad when religious indoctrination is stronger than natural bond for one’s children. There’s Christians who when asked “If god told you to kill your child (like Abraham) would you do it?” They answer “yes”.
My Civics teacher said this my freshman year when asked who he loves more, AND I QUOTE: "My wife would put me feet first in a woodchipper for Charlie, and I would be completely fine with that. If reversed, she'd want me to do the same". I LIVE BY THAT.
Personally, I've always been of the opinion the a spouse should love their children more than their spouse. It just seems natural. Like, that's how we've survived for so long as a species. Loving your kids more than your spouse means given the need to choose, you're going to choose your kids, and that, in a historic sense, was very good for their survival, and the reason kids in ancient and prehistoric times got to grow up at all. And I also feel like that should lead to us being MORE attracted to people who would put their kids first. Because it raises the chances they'll grow up healthy, or grow up at all, which means a spouse that would do that is a more suitable spouse in general. Obviously, we're not purely driven by nature, I just feel like this is one of the few times nature clearly got it right.
i love my husband. i actually adore him, even after 20 years. if he died, i would be devastated and probably never love again b/c he is it for me. we have 1 teenager. if- god forbid- we lost her i would sit on my couch and drink myself to death , even though i do not believe in an after life, b/c every breath i took without her would be actual torture.
It's hormones partly too. Many mothers in nature after birth get those parental love and care hormones and humans aren't any different. Well, I mean, we're more evolved a bit so there are a lot of differences. But yeah there is a surge in hormones post birth. It's meant to help healing and bonding. Unfortunately a lot of births are traumatic so it doesn't always work. And for some it doesn't really happen because people are varied (does not mean they love their child less at all).
Marriage and FAMILY therapists telling that STANDARD advice is that you should put your spouse above your children??? Are you kidding me??? The absolute clownery of that!!!
He mis-represented that idea a little and there are so many caveats, but I think the biggest one is that they are saying make sure you are prioritizing your relationship. It's a version of the put on your own oxygen mask first advice. A healthy dynamic isn't going to ask you to put one 'person' over the others, so that is not what they mean.
@@elizabethwalker5883 no, he didn’t. You are trying to tone down her clear message. 1:15 If things don’t work out you can divorce a spouse but you don’t divorce your children.
@@pansepot1490I think Eliza is talking about the standard advice from the therapists who criticized him, not about the woman (Emily King) making the video
Yeah… there’s various different types of love… and it concerns me to no end that a lot of people can’t seem to fully understand that. Why do these things need to be ranked anyways?! Besides who you put first can be situational, however… in most cases it should always be the kids first. If my hypothetical partner had to pick between me or *any* kid, they better pick the kid (whether it’s ours or not).
This is the one really good point I've taken away from watching "Dr" Phil (I'm not a fan of his show anymore, but that's not important). He says (I'm summarizing here) that everyone has several different "love accounts" and each can be full without taking away from each other. Basically the point is that there are different kinds of love, and your love for one person does not take away from your love for another.
My exe's dad told him and his brother exactly that when he was a child. And i'm telling you. It showed. No matter how they tried to rationalize it as a family, the trauma was showing sooooo much
I love that you say the love you feel for your children is different from your spouse. I have yet to be in a relationship as I am in my second year of college but I know that in the future I would like kids. I just love your take on this because it IS nonsensical to rank your loved ones. Each love that we have for our family members is different and it really doesn’t make sense to create this hierarchy of priority.
I am now divorced. Before we divorced he complained that I focused too much on our children. That is because they were children and needed me to teach them to almost every thing for them and arrange for them. When he said that to me I was thinking “you are a grown ass adult” if you think I am focusing too much on the children then maybe you could help out so I had more time to focus on other things for instance myself!!! I am so glad that we got divorced. Not only was I able to focus on my children when they were at my house, I also finally got to rest and focus on myself when they were with him.
I saw the original video not that long ago and it struck a nerve in me, and I wasn't sure how to respond. It's because while my dad never told me directly, I have seen it enough that I feel certain he loves and puts our mom's needs above mine and my siblings. And what's weird is they're divorced, so I think it's to make up for what he did since the divorce was his fault, and it hurt our mom a lot. And I get it, I love my mom too and she's done so much for us, she deserves the world. But.. she wasn't the only one hurt in that divorce? She wasn't the only one abandoned for 2 years? It's always weird watching him be more affectionate with her and always respecting her words and opinions and never yelling at her like he does us. I could never really make sense of it in my mind. Cause to me, like you said at the end, when I have children, their needs are inherently more important than my partner's. Because they're not grown yet, and they're reliant on you for guidance and to provide those needs. Your partner isn’t. So I'm glad you said this, it makes me feel better about my hurt.
I didn't even give birth to my kid and she comes above anyone else in my life. Including myself, apart from the minimum required to keep me capable of looking after her. At least while still dependant on me. Now that she's moving into adulthood and will be able to look after herself, that might gradually change, but when I had to make choices whether to prioritise her over my partner, she absolutely came first. And my partner knew and accepted that.
🎯 I agree 💯 There isn't just one kind of love for all relationships. That"s like comparing apples with oranges. Also, children's needs nearly always come first, because they are developing humans and how well we meet their needs shapes their quality of life. Sometimes children do need to be reminded that other people have wants and needs, too. Including adults. And sometimes children need to learn to wait. But that is all part of teaching them life skills, which is an ongoing, organic, continuous act of love - hopefully!
When people make it clear that the children are the last on their love scale, not only does it teach children that love is a finite thing (which it isn't), but it teaches them that they have no one to go to if they are assaulted. They don't matter. Authority figures are more important, always. Don't ask for things. Don't talk about abuse. Children should be seen & not heard
I’d argue that everyone has limited emotional bandwidth and that everyone’s capacity to grow and maintain relationships (“love” as a verb), but everything else is spot on.
@@Axqu7227 Everyone does have a different capacity for feeling, & expression of, their emotions. But that doesn't make them only exist in the confines of one's individual abilities. Love is infinite, & yes, also a verb
Absolutely agree. Did you know that the Greek language has over 27 different words for what we call love. That's just where I lost count when going through an aintchent greek dictionary. The reason why the Greeks have so many words for that one concept is because they understood it wasn't a one concept every different type of love their is has it's place and they are all equal, including, believe it or not errose the most primal form of love. This idea of picking favorites among your family is unhealthy it's always been unhealthy and any psychiatrist who says that it's not is a quack and should not be working in psychology because that means they are actively working towards tearing relationships apart which is counterproductive to what they should be doing. Another thing the Greeks knew was that love is measured by trust. The words in the Greek language for friend and best friend were synonymous with trust and deep trust. Because without trust love cannot exist. The moment you go out of your way to tell someone that they are not as loved as someone else you destroy that trust they had in you which means you also destroy the love that is between you. The moment you tell your child that they're not as loved as their mother is the moment you prove that you do not love your child and your child is nothing more than an inconvenience to you
I heard this one a lot in a couple of the churches I grew up and spent my early adult life in. Basically, they just wanted women to never get upset about parental involvement imbalance and always be willing and "enthusiastic" about sex with their husbands.
That's what I was thinking, too. There's a UA-cam channel with a podcast called The Bare Martriage; they're Christians who criticize really bad "Christian" marriage and sex advice. One of the things they talk about is how men are sometimes encouraged to "compete" with their children for Mommy's attention and get jealous of the baby. And how men are infantalized by these ideas and encourage women to work harder to tally take care of the children AND the husband as though he were another child. So the people who run this podcast encourage men to stop being jealous of their kids, participate more in childcare, and stop making their wives feel guilty for putting responsibilities over sex
Wow, I could have done with this type of healthy advice in our "Christian marriage." Anybody else out there survive the 'fascinating womanhood' years? No amount of putting him first would ever apease his rage and expectation of being the centre of the universe. Four children under age 6, two are twins, and both on the spectrum. High needs just to do life. No help, support, or consideration. Just his anger because we didn't do what he wanted, when he wanted it, the way he wanted it done. Right now! I realised years later, after I left, that no-one ever said no to him and he expected that to continue.
@@jehannehardwick6311 So glad you got out! Did you end up going to court? If you're still dealing with him, there's a book called "when dad hurts mom" by Lundy Bancroft. It talk about how to manage it when you have kids and you're dealing with an abusive co-pareny
@MayBlake_Channel Divorced years ago. We had a brilliant marriage counsellor who helped me see that I needed to get out. "What are you modelling for your daughters?" Was an excellent question. Really, his thing was just that if everyone did what he wanted, he wouldn't be angry! When I got the speech about, "Your hair is too curly, you wear too much make-up, your tits are too small, your bum is too big and you're useless with the children." Followed with can you get a job? I was done. He blamed me for him not being asked to be a decon at church because I'm a 'divorced woman'. I was divorced before I met him. And they didn't ask him to be a decon because of his anger issues. Nothing to do with me. It's interesting watching him visit once a month because he has a right to visit his grandchildren. I have moved on. We don't leave anybody in the room on their own with him because he will say something insulting, and I don't want a mess to fix afterwards.
I can't get past the "I love her because she's gave me you." She _gave_ a child to her husband. Everyone run. Run from this fkr. Why does everything have to be a ladder with someone on one ring stepping on the head of the person on the rung below.
As if the woman made this baby alone, all by herself. Yes she grew it by herself It's a great super power! But they both contribute equally to the beginnings of that child.
@@dod2304 I think I'm more disturbed at the idea he thinks pregnancy and child-bearing is pretty much exactly like picking up a hoagie from the deli. "Oh, look, Linda brought me a BLT and a baby!"
Apparently i haveca slightly different take. My husband would have provided materials, but I made the kid. OTOH the dh would probably "she gave you (or more likely made you) for us" (i firmly believe you need another adult to tag you out and occasionally double-team children. Single parenting looks intimidatingly hard)
My reaction to that was that she - the daughter - "gave" herself to him too! As in, yes, without her mother she wouldn't exist, but the biggest factor in his daughter becoming the lovable, amazing person she is, is she herself! Thank her for existing, thank yourself, thank your wife, but not just your wife.
It’s honestly messed up how the woman reacting to the original called the last statement “messed up. And that’s on top of the callous and frankly off putting way she smiled and nodded the entire time the original TikTok’er was telling this story that clearly affected her negatively. I already disagreed with her about it being “healthy” and “only natural” for a father to love his spouse above his child and tell his child that to their face. But the way the reactor acted the entire time made the case for how cruel this mindset is all the more just on her own. The saying “love multiplies” is usually a way to assure children that you’ll still love them as much as their new younger siblings. But it also should go for children in general. You should still have an equal amount of love for your children as your spouse, it’s just a different love. This is like when I heard a relative talking to her boyfriend about how nice her brother is for helping them out and how much she loves him. And when he jokingly asked if he should be jealous, she said “No, don’t worry I love you more”. And that’s always bothered me. The answer should have of course just been “No, ew”, first off. But you love your boyfriend more than you love your brother, who you also love? I don’t get that. It’s a different kind of love, and it should be ideally equal. People making tier lists about which people in their lives they love more is so twisted to me, but it’s at it’s worst when it involves children. Especially if you’re letting your child know you love them less. It’s not right, and people like the woman reacting are not helping their case about it. Just bizarre and heinous.
A priority (of attention, of needs) is not the same as a "love hierarchy", supposed marriage counselors. Just because you prioritize a persons input doesn't mean "you love them more". That's unrelated.
I wouldn’t say I love my children more than my husband but my children definitely NEED my love more than he does and I have a greater responsibility to love and care for them, so yes they come first.
My kid came right out and asked me if I love him more than I love his Dad. I don’t know, maybe I’m just kind of bluntish but I said “You’re Dad and I choose and love each other the most. But part of that love is that we created you guys together and we both know that we are responsible for you and care for you most. If there was a fire and either of us had to choose you kids, or the the other of us-you kids would come first. And part of our loving each other most is knowing THAT. We’re like one person, we’re a unit. We have to love each other most. But together we love you guys most and both of us are positive that we should die in a fire before you.” I know that’s weird but when I was little my Dad told me that if there was a fire he’d save Mom before he’d save me, but that Mom would save me before she’d save him and that was just how things were supposed to be. That really sucked. I told my husband that if he saves me before the kids he’d end up with neither.
My ex once asked me if him and our hypothetical child were in danger and I could only save one which one would it be. I said the child to which he responded "You can have another child but, you can't have another me".
@michelledelp9811 It doesn't even logically track. You could find another boyfriend or husband much more easily than actually necessarily get pregnant with another child and carry them to term/ give birth anyway. Dude's own heartless logic falls apart so easily.
Yeah, spouses may not last, but they'll always be your kid. I'm still loving my ex's kid from afar because in my heart, she's always going to be my kid, even though I'm no longer with her dad.
I will still never forget the time my mom told me she only loved me because I was her daughter but that she didn’t LIKE me and didn’t even want to be around me. I was 14 and 16 years later it still hurts to remember. Your kids will remember the stuff you say so maybe think first? And no you should love your children more than your spouse OBVIOUSLY in different ways
A friend once told me that spousal love is conditional, whereas loving your children is unconditional I totally agree with that, because if my spouse did something horrendous my reaction would be along the "I don't even know you" lines, and I'd fall out of love pretty quickly. But if my kid does it my reaction would be closer to "what the fuck happened? How do we help change happen?" Of course I'm thinking of extreme cases, and thankfully I fully trust my spouse not to do something terrible (or we wouldn't be together), and hopefully we're raising a healthy and happy child who wouldn't do horrible things either. Just saying that this shows about the kind of love each gets
“Loving your children is unconditional” Absolutely categorically factually untrue in a large minority of cases. Anyone who grew up in a golden child/ scapegoat dynamic knows what conditional love feels like: for some GC, the condition is being perfect. For the SG, it doesn’t matter because the goalposts move every time they get close.
My dad openly declared to all of his ten (10) children that he will always love my mom more than any of us and he definitely showed it in how he left each of us as we were growing up to fend for ourselves in our house on a near daily basis and forced each kid to either become a parent to the rest or force the burden of parenthood onto a different, usually younger child
Part of the reason me and my partner are never having kids is because we couldn't put them above each other if needed. We know the way we're attached to each other and know that it wouldn't be healthy for kids to grow up like that. There's 1000 other reasons kids aren't for us, not the least of which being various disabilities that would get in the way and my partner deciding he has no interest in parenting. But even if all those other things were taken out we wouldn't be able to support kids the way they deserve because of our love for each other, so we decided on the responsible thing of not having kids.
As a person who is about to have a baby: there’s this profound love I have for my baby and she’s a week away from being here if my contractions don’t decide to pick up sooner. This little girl is a combination of myself and the man I cherish. I cannot fathom comparing these two loves competitively. The love for my husband is like a blanket. It’s this gentle, safe, warm and comforting presence. Somedays it’s passionate. But every day it fuels a fire in me to be a better person and to develop myself further. It makes me unafraid to die one day. The love I feel for my daughter is a different kind of passionate. It’s unwaveringly protective. It’s huge like the sun and it burns just the same. In fact, to some degree I feel as though she is one with the sun. What I mean is, my little world revolves around her and having the opportunity to bring her into this universe. It’s full of gratefulness that I get to be the one to show her the terrifying privilege of breath in this place. Like a child showing off their collection of sea shells to a new friend, I get to show her everything I’ve learned and everything I will learn a long side her. I’m excited to argue with her and to learn her points of view and watch her grow from the concept of nothingness into a whole passionate person. Even now as she tries to break my ribs with her feet, I still love her. And in a way, I haven’t even met her yet. These types of love, can never be competitively compared. In fact, if they were, I’d sooner break my own heart and leave the man I love, for the sanity and safety of my daughter if ever need be. And GOD I PRAY he’d do the same to me if I were genuinely unfit.
There's an underlying toxic thought process many people subconsciously entertain where they believe there is only so much love to go around and only so much room for feelings. So they start to rank in their mind who gets priority and it's why you will see the people playing favorites or fighting to be the only person validated in an argument. It's a scarcity mindset and it will perpetuate itself as long as it remains unaddressed.
I agree with everything thespeechprof said. My casual observation, and personal experiences, lead me to believe that for most hetero men, their relationships with their wives are their primary attachments (not counting their own parents, which is a whole other discussion). And for most women, that our children are our primary attachments. Look at when marriages break down - mothers tend to put the children's needs above the adults' needs. Fathers, on the other hand, statistically don't tend to even seek equal custody, and reject spending time with their children even when the mother begs them to. It seems as if the mother often IS the father's connection to the children. Remember, I'm talking about tendencies and majorities. Not everyone. There is a LOT of individual variation!
My dad told me a similar thing, but instead of saying he loved my mom more (because they'd divorced 20 years prior), he told me that nobody would look out for my best interest better than me. And then, for some reason, I was surprised when he ghosted me during a mental health crisis.
Step-parents love the idea that a spouse is to be the higher priority and purpose than the children. It's often used to alienate a parent from their children.
My spouse chose me, and I chose him. And we loved each other so much that we married and created children, each of whom is their own wonderful individual selves, while also being a magical blending of their parents. Sir, I could not choose a favourite book if you asked me to. How could I ever point to a family member and say, "I love this one best"? Sometimes one or the other needs me more. Sometimes I'm the one in need. I love them differently, in different times and seasons. As I told my pre-school son when he was being sad one day because he had an older brother and a baby sister and reasoned that there was only so much of my love to go around, "Oh, honey. Love doesn't get divided; it *multiplies*. The baby takes more time right now, but there's a special box of Tony-love inside me that nobody else can ever have. And I don't know how big it is, because I've never gotten to the bottom of it."
My dad told this to me too once (out of nowhere) and even though I thought that it is "nice" that he loves my mom and that he probably wanted to tell me that he really, really does loves me but loves my mom even more, it still felt so strange to me as a kid. I am a 100 % with you. WHY would you ever say that to your child? Why? I have a twin sister and people have asked me multiple times if I love my sister more than my husband. And again: Why? I love my husband, I love my sister, I love my child - and it is GREAT. It is a great gift that I have so many people in my life that I love very very much. I love all of them in a different way so WHY should I choose? I don't have to, that is what makes it so great. But yes, I agree. If it was that scenario than I would put my daughters needs first - and I hope my husband would do the same. Just because we are adults while she is a little child that we decided to bring into this world.
My father said the same thing to me, that his wife is and always will be first for him, no matter what. "Always wife before daughter" were his exact words. It would be a sweet sentiment, if my mother wasn't my biggest bully. She would scream, hit and abuse me day in and day out, and my father looked the other way. She was a class A narcissist, didn't listen, didn't care, would slap and hit for things like spilled water, and lost her mind if one thing wasn't exactly how she wanted it. I have seen her with my own eyes hitting my father too, although he denies it now. But I was the main target. He didn't say anything, didn't do anything, and didn't even provide any comfort when I went to him afterwards. He only said one thing - that it was my duty to adjust with my mother, and understand that everyone has certain traits that we may or may not like, but family is family. I was literally a child. My mother was a boy mom, blind in her son's love and couldn't stand me. They were a unit, father, mother and son, and I was the outsider. My father never abused me but he stood by and watched it happen, he abandoned me. I wish that sometimes he had the courage to stand up to her and say what she was doing was wrong. I can only hope that in my own marriage I have a partner who puts our children first and stops me from doing something stupid and abusive. I may make mistakes because I don't think I'll ever completely heal from my childhood, but I hope my partner is man enough to identify and help me fix those mistakes, not stand by and do nothing. I hope he has the spine to stand up for his children, because they need the protection and support of a father much more than I need a husband. I'm an adult, I know how the world works, I can take care of myself. I hope my children never feel like orphans while having two living parents, like I did. I hope both of us are able to put them first.
Yasss, absolutelly agree with you mate 👌 In my opinion its just not the right way of looking at love. The fact is that there are different tipes of love and should not be conpared in that way
Honestly when someone says they love their spouse more than their children, a part of me assumes it's because they value the benefits they get out of relationships over most other things, because they like that their spouse is an adult who they get to do the adult things with and adults are relatively self sufficient where as with their children they instead have to be the one putting effort into taking care of them. And that mindset feels transactional and devoid of true love. I believe that if you enjoy someone's company because they make your life better, then that's just liking someone, but when you care more about making their life better over any benefits you may reap, that's what real love is.
I don't think my dad has ever said those words to me exactly, but I know that he loves my mum more than me or my brother. When I was 15, he cornered me when we were home alone, after I had just got up the nerve to tell my mum I was struggling with my mental health, and said I needed to "drop the depression thing" because it was upsetting my mum. I spent so many years thinking my dad didn't love me at all. I still wonder to this day if my dad only had kids because my mum wanted kids. I don't want to know the answer My mum knows that he loves her more than us too. And it upsets her. Because that isn't how it should be
I'm going to give my opinion: 1. Is not the same type of love and therefore cannot be compared. 2. I would absolutely prioritize our children over my husband. My husband is a complete full grown adult and our children are dependent. 3. I would feel so disappointed if my husband wouldn't prioritize the children over me. Really disappointed. 4. If there was only food for either the children or us. I guarantee you I would go out of my way to make sure that our children are being fed.
Married 32 years this year, two now adult children and I agree, you can't compare the two forms of love. Now they are grown, I would say that now I put the immediate needs of my wife above those of my children, but that is because my children are capable of making their own life decisions, and should - they don't need to be parented anymore. Do I love them any less? Of course not.
My parents always made it clear that their relationship came first, and i think that's fair IF 1) that results in a stable home, because they're putting the work in to be healthy as a couple, and 2) as parents they work as a unit to prioritize their children's needs and well-being. Like you can put each other first as individuals and the kids first as a family. But comparing one love to the other is nonsensical, and expecting a parent not to fiercely and deeply love their kids seems like a good way to create attachment disorders
My parents have always made it clear that their marriage is incredibly important to them. Marriage counseling, marriage conferences, regular date nights, and constant affection towards each other. But I also have always known deep in my bones that they love me and my siblings beyond measure. It doesn’t have to be either or. A healthy committed marriage leads to more love being poured out on your kids. Love only yields more love. Compassion/competition only deters love.
Yeah, it’s a different kind of love. And there isn’t a limit to how much I love anyone, husband, children, family of origin, friends. It’s all different. ❤
I was having a conversation a while ago with an English as a second language speaker who was asking me and a colleague about how we, as English speakers use the word “love.” He was confused because in his culture and language, “love,” only applied to romantic love. The feeling you have for your kids, or parents, or friends is different, and they use a different word for it. And I think that gets to the heart of this argument - English is fundamentally a lazy language. We only have one word for “love,” which has to do so much work and apply to so many different situations, from romantic love to your favorite flavor of potato chip (salt and vinegar with honey Dijon coming a close second). We as English speakers understand which “love,” we’re talking about based on context, but I do think it leads to false comparisons like you’re elaborating on. Because they’re simply not the same feeling. I don’t have kids, but I know the love I feel for my partner is a fundamentally different emotion than the love I feel for my cats, than I would feel for kids if I ever had them, and it’s different than what I feel for my parents and different than what I feel for my brother. But in English, “love,” has to cover _all of that_, which isn’t the case in a lot of other languages.
Nah, you gotta rank them. First measure the amount of total love you can afford, then divide it among your family in proportion to their place in the hierarchy. Make sure to inform whoever ranks last that they will always be at the bottom. /s
My dad loved me dearly and he wouldn't have chosen a stepmom who competed with that love. I'm thrilled he loved her too and built a life with her - love isn't a hierarchy
The way I see it is: your partner decided to be your partner, and your child did not choose anything about being your child. You will be, statistically speaking, the only being that can fit that place and role in your child's life. So, like, love? Who can even define love... but I would argue the greatest responsibility is to one's child.
Marriage and Family Therapist here. I completely agree. And as a woman and a mother, I would never be with a partner who thinks they are in a competition with our children. How messed up is that? It’s so different. Care from parent to child is more selfless, flows mostly from parent to child. Care between partners flows back and forth, and can have a delicious selfishness to it. I’m a mom of adults, an involved grandma of toddlers, and therapist of teens and young adults, and oh goodness after all the care I give day to day, getting care from my partner is just lovely. We don’t need to put our partners first or last. We just need to strive together for balance, and in a good relationship, time with a partner is also self care and certainly keeps me going. We are never going to be in that proverbial boat where we have to decide whether to throw our child or partner over. Also, if we have more than one kid, are we supposed to rank them too. Again, it’s love. It’s not pie. Lastly, as an LMFT who works with youth, don’t say that to your kids! I mean, why????
Absolutely agree with you 100% on this! And I genuinely believe that anyone who has actually been in a healthy relationship would agree too. My (now) husband and I had a similar conversation very early on in our relationship and both said the same thing. Partners (at least in a healthy relationship) are together because they want to be, but children (at least in a healthy parent/child relationship) need their parents and are dependent on their parents to have those needs met.
well than you better go first, because if mom goes first than you're stuck with me...the child you love less than. Guess who is going into a third rate home and than an old shoe box?
Yeah, when telling the truth, I always go by the scale I got from Miss Manners, as I read her column in the newspaper, when I was a teenager, in the 1980’s: If the only thing which can be accomplished by telling the truth to someone is to hurt their feelings, the polite person has two choices: 1. Say nothing Or 2. Lie. As the parent of two, I see no reason to tell either of our children that they are any amount less important to me than they think,they are. No reason at all. My relationship and depth of love for their dad is obvious to them, but it is none of their business to know how they rate agains him…hell…I would have a hard time making a quantitative statement on this issue to anyone.
given the abusive father that Prof. Chesko has described having, it makes so much sense that he would want his needs prioritized above his own, because he understands what it is like to not be a priority to your parent (much like a lot of us, unfortunately). because children are inherently more vulnerable and have less power, it makes sense that children's needs are prioritized because at certain stages they are unable to take care of their own needs. i like that he carefully says needs and not wants because that's a different hierarchy.
I think is not about love but about who you would sacrifice more for, no matter the intensity or quality of love . In that sense a child should be the priority if there is an equal need.
This comparison instantly makes me think of the tragically common scenario where a parent chooses their abusive spouse over their children.
There are almost always reasons that have nothing to do with loving that spouse more. It's a deeply complicated unhealthy psychological reaction. Usually based in several kinds of fear. And deep seated need for denial.
Yep. That was my childhood.
That was my family’s scenario. Thankfully my mother realizes that now.
Same
It’s way too common and it’s pretty heartbreaking it reminds me of a story my mom told me where a poor girl got molested by her Mothers boyfriend, she told her mom and her mom disowned her for ‘getting inbetween them’, thankfully she had her grandma to save her from homelessness. How you can choose your lover over your own children Is beyond me
If I was that kid, I'd just say "Yeah I love Mom more than you too"
That's a good comeback😂
Meeeee toooooo. Been that kid, it feels good (momentarily) to get them back with something like that lol.
Yep. Slightly different scenario, but my father once asked me who was my favorite family member, him or my mother. I replied "My sister" and he got MAD!! It's no secret she's my favorite, I mean it's kinda a given seeing as she treats me like a human being deserving of basic human decency. Wild concept. Whereas my parents treat me like a disobedient puppet.
And then Homer strangles Bart.
DESTRUCTION
Hey! Therapist in training here: DON'T SAY THIS TO YOUR KIDS!!
Hey. Former child here. I TOTALLY AGREE!!!
✌️
Former child, current parent, thanks for this protip! It never would have occurred to me to say smth that cruel but it is nice to know science is on top of this situation
I'd go so far to say, don't THINK such things. Because your actions will follow your thoughts. And children (especially small ones) pick up on your subtle intentions.
You gotta unpack those thoughts and shift your thinking.
Agreed - Another therapist in training
Think it all you want, but don't verbalize it.
@@TheKrispyfort hey, I’m a former child too! what a coincidence! 😁
What’s the goal of saying that? The only goal I can see in that is upsetting the child. That’s so dumb. Also I agree 100% with not thinking “Who do I love more”
Yeah, it's one of those thoughts that even if you have them, best not to tell anyone.
@@Nerobyrne I wonder if dad, in the story, has autism or ADHD.
Both can come with a tendency to blurt out things better left unsaid.
@@grmpEqweervery true.
@@ChaoticAngelKitten
I almost certainly have ADHD...and proposed to my ex-wife while she was cleaning slime out of the vegetable drawer.
I had just woken up that morning, saw her, was so in love, and...
@@grmpEqweer That’s super cute. Lol. My nurse practitioner is pretty sure I’m on the spectrum. My brother was severely autistic and we were both premature. 30% of premature babies turn out to be on the spectrum compared to 1% who aren’t. I like to those those numbers are anti-vaxxers who are all, vaccines cause autism! Lol
As a woman: apples and oranges. AND each child has a unique relationship to each parent-these relationships are simply put, different.
i totally agree with you and think you are 100% right but i can't but quote lil dicky when he was told he was comparing apples to oranges: "why can't fruit be compared?"
Exactly! Different types of love!
Yeah. You can't compare love. You'r parents, children, etc. are all different types of love and can be Infinitily large theoretically. You can't make that statment. That's not a wighable or a comparable thing
That's it exactly! You love your chicken (lol I had to leave the autocorrect from children😂) in a different way than you live your spouse or significant other. It isn't the same type of love. So technically you could love them the same amount.
But you're not thinking of the childrens feelings.
Why did her father think that was something his daughter needed to know?! Why bring it up at all?
exactly.
Negging his own daughter. What a piece of sht.
He just wanted to hurt her because he has an ugly soul.
pretty bizarre.
i know i'm generalizing but people who feel this way tend to be the kind of folks who keep score in all their relationships. if they did the slightest thing for you, they will never let you forget it. if they show up for work and do their job they expect every one to praise them for it and more importantly, be very grateful. when they do have children, they expect those children to be grateful too, even if the parent is just doing the bare minimum, and if the kids arent grateful enough, then they will say shit like this to purposely hurt the ungrateful child as punishment.
My father was bitterly jealous of any time my mother spent with me. Eventually, he forced her to chose him or me. She chose him, in a multitude of little ways. While occasionally giving me little treats or attention, out of his sight, with the warning not to mention it to him. She made a point to say that couples should put their marriage before their children. I distanced myself from them as soon as I was out of the house, and didn't speak to either the last decade or so of their lives. Jealousy kills love.
Goodness, that’s rough. I’m sorry you experienced that.
insecurity ruins you and those around you. I'm also EXTREMELY insecure but I'm also self aware to not be irrational or illogical.
I'm so sorry you had to live through that.
This is so sad and toxic. Of course you distanced yourself. I hope you found other people who respect you and love you for who you are.
I'm sorry you had to experience that.😢
I’ve no idea why the “keep sweet” woman feels the need to defend the toxic father. He was completely unhinged saying such a hurtful thing to his daughter. Wow!!
"Keep sweet"? Is that a nickname for Emily King or something?
Her channel’s purpose is to cater to men by disagreeing with women, even if the women are more right in some cases. Most of her videos are of her arguing that men are right 90% and women are wrong, yet I’ve never seen a video where she agrees that women are right.
@@MayBlake_Channel she seems like one of those women raised in fundamentalist Christianity who are expected to keep sweet with their husband, even if he’s being a jerk, or worse.
She's a manosphere influencer
@@UnBesoDeCristal Good lord!
After my husband and I had our first child, we had a conversation similar to the one you had with your wife. I told my husband that if ever we were an active shooter situation I would want him to pick up our kids and run with them, because he can run faster than I can, and to leave me behind. Why? Because I love my children. And if he didn’t love them enough to leave me behind, then we were not going to work as a family.
Exact same convo I had w/ mine.
Obviously, great to have such communication, it's just so depressing (as a Brit) to hear that creating an action plan for an active shooting situation is something that you need to worry about (I'm guessing you're in the States?)
I had children before we had to worry about shooters fortunately. But I always figured if it came down to it I might save my husband because he could then help me save the four kids. But there are so many crazy scenarios you can make up in your head that you hope will never happen. You really can’t dwell on it. At this point in my life I’m willing to jump in and be the target to let the young people escape.
Dare I say only in America....
@@fung4310 The land of the brave and free. .... 😐
This is so strange to me; the love I feel for my husband and the love I have for me son are VERY different and in no way compete with each other. And if we were using the 'who would you save in a fire' test, my son wins hands down but that's because he's a child!
and in most cases, the partner would want you to save the child too!
The "who would I save in a fire" test is how I explained that I don't have a favorite to my children.
They were each saying the other ones were the favorite and I sat them down and said, Which one of you do you think I would let die if this house caught on fire?
And it helped all of them to realize I love them all and would die for any of them.
It cut out a. Lot of back and forth fighting between them.
And children are much smaller and easier to carry out of a fire.
@@randomas8634Bonus points for the pragmatism! (Your comment sent me! 😂😂😂)
this is exactly it! the child should always be the priority over the partner because they rely on their parents and the partner is a grown adult, but that doesn't mean we need to rank people on the "who do i love more list". like what?? so bizarre for the original video's poster to even think that way let alone tell a child that they're loved less💀
I think people are defining 'love' wrong. The love is equal (but different) for spouse & children. But if you define love as "who you're going to provide for their needs first" - that should almost *always* be the kids. Because kids cannot provide for themselves and your adult spouse *can.*
For men to say they 'love' their spouse more, means they see their spouse as requiring more 'providing for' than their own kids. It's infantilizing their wife. Whereas a woman 'loving' her kids more says that she expects her husband to be able to provide for his own needs like an adult should.
This! I can also imagine, some of those type of fathers are selfish and not a great help around the house or childcare. They could see their wife as a provider for themselves, like cooking, cleaning etc. and the children as a burden, because they don’t provide for the father. Instead, they have needs that need to be fulfilled. So they love their wife more, because she makes his life easier, while children make it harder if they don’t enjoy being a dad.
100% agree with this, very well said
Well stated
in my mind, you are that child's one and only mom/dad. they don't get to choose that so you have a responsibility to put them first. the same men who say differently would lose their minds if their moms told them they weren't number 1 in their heart
That last sentence would deal some serious damage if those men were open to self-reflection 😂
💯
I remember being about 8 and my mom told me a mother’s first responsibility is to their children. “Never put a man above” because adults can choose each other but children can’t choose their parents.
I suspect she was reminding herself: my stepdad was not big on kids…….
They are the men who resent the time and love their wives spend on their kids
YESSSSSSS 👏 👏 👏
Absolutely! When I got pregnant I had a girl ask me, "How do you feel about your man loving someone more than you?" and I found it so absolutely sad and insane that this person thought like this. I described to her about this one time where my husband was on the floor playing with our cat, the cat loved him so so much and vice versa and how I loved the joy I saw on my husband's face and my cat's behavior. When you love someone you want them to have meaningful, fulfilling relationships. There's no jealousy and no comparison. If I loved him so much he wasn't allowed to have deep and varied love with others, it's not love and he would deserve better than me.
Growing up my dad regularly told me I was stupid and an embarrassment to him compared to my brothers. He'd also complain about my mom and compare her to other women at church. I now have no relationship with him..
Good for you. Genuinely. Not everyone is capable of cutting off such a toxic relationship. I know it’s unfair you had to at all but I’m glad you valued yourself and your mother highly enough to do so.
I don't blame you. I hope your mother divorced him, before he could destroy her self-esteem. What a dick!!!
@@RowanMarshmallow Abbbsolutely. ❤❤❤❤
Good on you.
The man you describe - definitely practices being horrible to people.
I'm hoping you're surrounded by genuinely supportive community
My ex constantly asked me who my parents loved the most of my siblings, and he absolutely wouldn't accept my answer that they loved us equally. Massive red flag--he was trying to sow doubt in my mind and isolate me from my family.
I have 4 younger siblings and would ask our mom that sometimes. The answer is always the dog. Not because she actually loves our dog more than us, but because she loves us all equally- including the dog. You'd understand if you met her. She's the most perfect dog for our family.
@@Lutefisk445I think I read that differently to how you meant it ...
@@Cosmic-Cat. I think it sounds fine.
What does he know about a relationship he's not even in, and hasn't known for years before he met you? Where does this audacity come from??
It's wonderful that you are perceptive enough to recognize that.
Putting your spouse above your children is how you end up with your children refusing to speak with you as adults because you ignored the mistreatment they suffered.
Exactly.
precisely.
My (abusive) mother put my (also abusive) father before me my whole life.
Guess who doesn't talk to either anymore🎉🎉🎉
Yes. 👏👏👏👏
Assuming there’s mistreatment
I outright told my gf that I expect her kid to be first to her, any other answer would be unacceptable. I'm a 28 year old, I can take care of myself. Children should be first. People who can't put their literal children first should not have children. Period.
Amen!
Good for you.
You don’t get to order or dictate he feelings. The sentiment may be sound but you order no one.
Oh, I like you 🤩
@teshlafreeman4040 he wasn't ordering nor dictating her feelings.
He was upfront about what he expected her priorities to be. He expected her #1 external priority to always be her child because he's not a man-baby.
My dad actually threatened my siblings and I that if we hurt mom, he would "deal with us" or "kick us out". Mind you, I'm a very shy 13 yr old who cry's when catapillers get squished, my sister is 11 and my brother is 7. My dad really thought any of his kids were going to him our mom. And he wonders why the only bond I have with him is fear yet as I moved out I lost that fear. Probably because I realized if he played one hand on me, I can take his ass to court for battery. Once I had that power, that man became the weakest person I have ever seen. To threaten to hit your own kids over a fictional event you made up in your own head.
Is it possible that he saw his own mother being abused and feels guilty that he couldn't help her? That could be PTSD. Is his mother around to ask?
I unconditionally love my children. I do not unconditionally love anyone else - I have healthy boundaries in the relationships I have with other adults, romantic or otherwise.
I will always put my children above everywhere else, because they are dependents who NEED me. Adults do not need another adult.
Yeah, I don't have any kids but would love to in the future, but yeah honestly if people aren't gonna put their kid's needs first then they shouldn't have children, that should be the whole point of parenthood. Like you said, kids need us in ways that other adults don't. They depend on us and if their own parents aren't gonna put them first who is?
Honestly if my future partner doesn't have unconditional love for our kids or put their needs first then that's not someone I want to raise children with.
It's not "more." It's different. In other languages, there are more ways to say love because there is a different kind of love for each relationship.
I love my spouse.
I love my parents.
I love my kids.
I love my friends.
I love my pets.
All of those are different kinds of love. But in English, it all uses the same four letter word.
I love spaghetti!
@@seheyt We all love spaghetti! 🥳
Yeah. Filial love is love for family. Platonic is non-sexual love for another person, etc. I guess English uses modifiers like parental love, brotherly/sisterly love. But then again we also don't have a proper way to say a plural you. I kind of like "you all." Again, two words!
@@JLakis There's "y'all"
@@unicorntamer2207 Y'all, youse, yinz, you'uns, etc.
Also, I think "ye" is still technically the correct way to say plural you in english, but it's incredibly archaic lol
I think this is like asking someone to choose between air and water. You can’t. I have three adult children whom I gave birth to, one that is every bit my child even though I didn’t birth him and a husband I’ve been married to for over 40 years. Who do I love more? Who do I love less? It’s like telling your kid that their sibling is your favorite! Yikes!🌸
My Nan has favourites- she’s still lovely & giving to the highest degree & would die for her 30+ grandchildren as well as her great grandchildren; but she still has favourites, always has, & she will tell you honestly who her favourite is; as a result my Mim doesn’t have favourites (though I know it’s me secretly 😉😅🤣… just kidding 😅🤣😂).
@@MorbidClown I think once you hit grandkids or nieces abd nephews you're allowed to have favourites to some degree. They're not *your* kids that you're somewhat obligated to love equally and unconditionally. Just the fact that you will probably see way more of one than another makes it almost inevitable
A love for a spouse is a love for a companion. Someone you have chosen to be with, who will be there with you through thick and thin.
A love for a child is a love for something that you didn’t just create, but are still in the process of creating through raising them. They are a small, defenceless thing that it is your job to turn into a well-adjusted member of society. It is a love that has much more giving and responsibility, and much less in the way of reciprocation.
…I have a hunch that that last part about more giving and less taking is why a lot of men see it as a lesser love. They personally benefit less from it.
That last paragraph is spot on
Very well put! Especially that last par
I pity people who have a fixed amount of love to share with the people in their lives. And even more pity for those they doles out that scarce amount of love to.
I forget the exact line, but in Much Ado About Nothing, I think Claudio says something along the lines of I were little happy if I could say how much.
If you can define how much you love someone, then it probably isn't very much.
For them, the scarcity is a feature, not a bug. Scarcity begets competition, and nothing makes these men feel as powerful as people competing for what little love they have to give. When I tell my best friend that I love him, it doesn't take away from the love that I'm able to give to my wife or my daughter. Love and fulfillment have a way of building on one another. My partner understands that I have more capacity to love her due to having fulfilling, loving relationships with my friends, and my partner's love for me is only increased when I show my kid that I'm capable of fulfilling her emotional needs. The competition isn't necessary.
I’d argue that everyone has limited emotional bandwidth before they get fatigued. That’s why staying in toxic relationships and friendships is so miserable; that burnout is getting close to the “love limit.” I’m glad you haven’t found your floor yet.
As an autistic dude who is nowhere near to having a family, your video is very useful.
1. 1:00 I had not considered lying, so this is a good thing to not destroy the child's feelings.
2. You are right, there are differents types of love in greek language: eros, philia, storge, pragma, ludos, mania and so on, cathegorizing helps.
Lying is not necessary if one doesn't speak out of turn. Neurodivergence and cruelty are not mutually exclusive.
You don't need to lie, you just also don't need to vocalise every thought you have without considering the impact it will have on others.
My mom put it this way “1st is God, then my husband, then your brothers & then you.” I am the oldest and the only girl who grew up knowing how disappointing it was for my parents to have a girl first. They loved telling the story of what my name would have been if I were a boy. My brother was born exactly one year and one day after I was. As a child they never celebrated my birthday unless in conjunction with my brother because it was too much work for her. It took many years and a few therapists before I started to embrace the fact that I am worthy of love just the way I am. Our hearts are capable of much love, it is not necessary to decide who we love more. That is, unless one has a narcissistic parent. I want to hug this young person and let her know that her father’s statement has NOTHING to do with who she is but says much about her father.
It’s sad when religious indoctrination is stronger than natural bond for one’s children. There’s Christians who when asked “If god told you to kill your child (like Abraham) would you do it?” They answer “yes”.
That's so screwed up!!! Yikes 😬
My Civics teacher said this my freshman year when asked who he loves more, AND I QUOTE:
"My wife would put me feet first in a woodchipper for Charlie, and I would be completely fine with that.
If reversed, she'd want me to do the same".
I LIVE BY THAT.
Personally, I've always been of the opinion the a spouse should love their children more than their spouse. It just seems natural. Like, that's how we've survived for so long as a species. Loving your kids more than your spouse means given the need to choose, you're going to choose your kids, and that, in a historic sense, was very good for their survival, and the reason kids in ancient and prehistoric times got to grow up at all.
And I also feel like that should lead to us being MORE attracted to people who would put their kids first. Because it raises the chances they'll grow up healthy, or grow up at all, which means a spouse that would do that is a more suitable spouse in general.
Obviously, we're not purely driven by nature, I just feel like this is one of the few times nature clearly got it right.
i love my husband. i actually adore him, even after 20 years. if he died, i would be devastated and probably never love again b/c he is it for me. we have 1 teenager. if- god forbid- we lost her i would sit on my couch and drink myself to death , even though i do not believe in an after life, b/c every breath i took without her would be actual torture.
It's hormones partly too. Many mothers in nature after birth get those parental love and care hormones and humans aren't any different.
Well, I mean, we're more evolved a bit so there are a lot of differences. But yeah there is a surge in hormones post birth. It's meant to help healing and bonding.
Unfortunately a lot of births are traumatic so it doesn't always work. And for some it doesn't really happen because people are varied (does not mean they love their child less at all).
Marriage and FAMILY therapists telling that STANDARD advice is that you should put your spouse above your children??? Are you kidding me??? The absolute clownery of that!!!
He mis-represented that idea a little and there are so many caveats, but I think the biggest one is that they are saying make sure you are prioritizing your relationship. It's a version of the put on your own oxygen mask first advice. A healthy dynamic isn't going to ask you to put one 'person' over the others, so that is not what they mean.
@@elizabethwalker5883 no, he didn’t. You are trying to tone down her clear message. 1:15
If things don’t work out you can divorce a spouse but you don’t divorce your children.
That's seem weird 🤔
The advice, should be: "don't forget you are a couple because you are parents"
@@pansepot1490I think Eliza is talking about the standard advice from the therapists who criticized him, not about the woman (Emily King) making the video
Yeah… there’s various different types of love… and it concerns me to no end that a lot of people can’t seem to fully understand that. Why do these things need to be ranked anyways?! Besides who you put first can be situational, however… in most cases it should always be the kids first. If my hypothetical partner had to pick between me or *any* kid, they better pick the kid (whether it’s ours or not).
This is the one really good point I've taken away from watching "Dr" Phil (I'm not a fan of his show anymore, but that's not important). He says (I'm summarizing here) that everyone has several different "love accounts" and each can be full without taking away from each other. Basically the point is that there are different kinds of love, and your love for one person does not take away from your love for another.
I never had to be told this. I just noticed that whatever drama was happening between me and one parent, the other parent 100% took their side.
My exe's dad told him and his brother exactly that when he was a child. And i'm telling you. It showed. No matter how they tried to rationalize it as a family, the trauma was showing sooooo much
I love that you say the love you feel for your children is different from your spouse. I have yet to be in a relationship as I am in my second year of college but I know that in the future I would like kids. I just love your take on this because it IS nonsensical to rank your loved ones. Each love that we have for our family members is different and it really doesn’t make sense to create this hierarchy of priority.
I am now divorced. Before we divorced he complained that I focused too much on our children. That is because they were children and needed me to teach them to almost every thing for them and arrange for them. When he said that to me I was thinking “you are a grown ass adult” if you think I am focusing too much on the children then maybe you could help out so I had more time to focus on other things for instance myself!!! I am so glad that we got divorced. Not only was I able to focus on my children when they were at my house, I also finally got to rest and focus on myself when they were with him.
Sounds like you made the right choices!! You go, Girl!
I saw the original video not that long ago and it struck a nerve in me, and I wasn't sure how to respond. It's because while my dad never told me directly, I have seen it enough that I feel certain he loves and puts our mom's needs above mine and my siblings. And what's weird is they're divorced, so I think it's to make up for what he did since the divorce was his fault, and it hurt our mom a lot. And I get it, I love my mom too and she's done so much for us, she deserves the world. But.. she wasn't the only one hurt in that divorce? She wasn't the only one abandoned for 2 years? It's always weird watching him be more affectionate with her and always respecting her words and opinions and never yelling at her like he does us. I could never really make sense of it in my mind.
Cause to me, like you said at the end, when I have children, their needs are inherently more important than my partner's. Because they're not grown yet, and they're reliant on you for guidance and to provide those needs. Your partner isn’t. So I'm glad you said this, it makes me feel better about my hurt.
I couldn't imagine saying such a thing to my kids.. I love them all so much!!
I didn't even give birth to my kid and she comes above anyone else in my life. Including myself, apart from the minimum required to keep me capable of looking after her. At least while still dependant on me.
Now that she's moving into adulthood and will be able to look after herself, that might gradually change, but when I had to make choices whether to prioritise her over my partner, she absolutely came first. And my partner knew and accepted that.
♥️♥️♥️
An awful lot of abuse done to an awful lot of children has been swept under an awful lot of rugs bc of precisely this issue.
🎯 I agree 💯 There isn't just one kind of love for all relationships. That"s like comparing apples with oranges. Also, children's needs nearly always come first, because they are developing humans and how well we meet their needs shapes their quality of life.
Sometimes children do need to be reminded that other people have wants and needs, too. Including adults. And sometimes children need to learn to wait. But that is all part of teaching them life skills, which is an ongoing, organic, continuous act of love - hopefully!
When people make it clear that the children are the last on their love scale, not only does it teach children that love is a finite thing (which it isn't), but it teaches them that they have no one to go to if they are assaulted. They don't matter. Authority figures are more important, always. Don't ask for things. Don't talk about abuse. Children should be seen & not heard
I’d argue that everyone has limited emotional bandwidth and that everyone’s capacity to grow and maintain relationships (“love” as a verb), but everything else is spot on.
@@Axqu7227 Everyone does have a different capacity for feeling, & expression of, their emotions. But that doesn't make them only exist in the confines of one's individual abilities. Love is infinite, & yes, also a verb
Absolutely agree. Did you know that the Greek language has over 27 different words for what we call love. That's just where I lost count when going through an aintchent greek dictionary.
The reason why the Greeks have so many words for that one concept is because they understood it wasn't a one concept every different type of love their is has it's place and they are all equal, including, believe it or not errose the most primal form of love.
This idea of picking favorites among your family is unhealthy it's always been unhealthy and any psychiatrist who says that it's not is a quack and should not be working in psychology because that means they are actively working towards tearing relationships apart which is counterproductive to what they should be doing.
Another thing the Greeks knew was that love is measured by trust. The words in the Greek language for friend and best friend were synonymous with trust and deep trust. Because without trust love cannot exist.
The moment you go out of your way to tell someone that they are not as loved as someone else you destroy that trust they had in you which means you also destroy the love that is between you. The moment you tell your child that they're not as loved as their mother is the moment you prove that you do not love your child and your child is nothing more than an inconvenience to you
I genuinely love everything you said, but I got so distracted by how you spelled ancient 😅😂😂😂 I ❤ U
I have nothing useful to add, I just really love your comment ❤
So glad hes calling her out
Me too. I keep getting her shorts showing up in my feed. Her and the men commenting on her videos make me feel really uncomfortable
@@icouldusemorecoffeesame
The lady from the stitch giving “I don’t want my future husband to love his kids from the previous relationship more than me”vibes
I heard this one a lot in a couple of the churches I grew up and spent my early adult life in. Basically, they just wanted women to never get upset about parental involvement imbalance and always be willing and "enthusiastic" about sex with their husbands.
That's what I was thinking, too. There's a UA-cam channel with a podcast called The Bare Martriage; they're Christians who criticize really bad "Christian" marriage and sex advice. One of the things they talk about is how men are sometimes encouraged to "compete" with their children for Mommy's attention and get jealous of the baby. And how men are infantalized by these ideas and encourage women to work harder to tally take care of the children AND the husband as though he were another child. So the people who run this podcast encourage men to stop being jealous of their kids, participate more in childcare, and stop making their wives feel guilty for putting responsibilities over sex
@@MayBlake_Channel Thanks for the recommendation! I've heard of Sheila Wray Gregoire before, I like her.
Wow, I could have done with this type of healthy advice in our "Christian marriage."
Anybody else out there survive the 'fascinating womanhood' years?
No amount of putting him first would ever apease his rage and expectation of being the centre of the universe. Four children under age 6, two are twins, and both on the spectrum. High needs just to do life. No help, support, or consideration. Just his anger because we didn't do what he wanted, when he wanted it, the way he wanted it done. Right now! I realised years later, after I left, that no-one ever said no to him and he expected that to continue.
@@jehannehardwick6311 So glad you got out! Did you end up going to court? If you're still dealing with him, there's a book called "when dad hurts mom" by Lundy Bancroft. It talk about how to manage it when you have kids and you're dealing with an abusive co-pareny
@MayBlake_Channel Divorced years ago. We had a brilliant marriage counsellor who helped me see that I needed to get out. "What are you modelling for your daughters?" Was an excellent question.
Really, his thing was just that if everyone did what he wanted, he wouldn't be angry!
When I got the speech about, "Your hair is too curly, you wear too much make-up, your tits are too small, your bum is too big and you're useless with the children." Followed with can you get a job? I was done. He blamed me for him not being asked to be a decon at church because I'm a 'divorced woman'.
I was divorced before I met him. And they didn't ask him to be a decon because of his anger issues. Nothing to do with me.
It's interesting watching him visit once a month because he has a right to visit his grandchildren.
I have moved on. We don't leave anybody in the room on their own with him because he will say something insulting, and I don't want a mess to fix afterwards.
I can't get past the "I love her because she's gave me you." She _gave_ a child to her husband. Everyone run. Run from this fkr. Why does everything have to be a ladder with someone on one ring stepping on the head of the person on the rung below.
As if the woman made this baby alone, all by herself. Yes she grew it by herself It's a great super power! But they both contribute equally to the beginnings of that child.
@@dod2304 I think I'm more disturbed at the idea he thinks pregnancy and child-bearing is pretty much exactly like picking up a hoagie from the deli. "Oh, look, Linda brought me a BLT and a baby!"
Yes, it's entitled and objectifying. Simply put.
Apparently i haveca slightly different take. My husband would have provided materials, but I made the kid. OTOH the dh would probably "she gave you (or more likely made you) for us" (i firmly believe you need another adult to tag you out and occasionally double-team children. Single parenting looks intimidatingly hard)
My reaction to that was that she - the daughter - "gave" herself to him too! As in, yes, without her mother she wouldn't exist, but the biggest factor in his daughter becoming the lovable, amazing person she is, is she herself! Thank her for existing, thank yourself, thank your wife, but not just your wife.
You know what they say "Comparison is the thief of joy."
It’s honestly messed up how the woman reacting to the original called the last statement “messed up. And that’s on top of the callous and frankly off putting way she smiled and nodded the entire time the original TikTok’er was telling this story that clearly affected her negatively. I already disagreed with her about it being “healthy” and “only natural” for a father to love his spouse above his child and tell his child that to their face. But the way the reactor acted the entire time made the case for how cruel this mindset is all the more just on her own.
The saying “love multiplies” is usually a way to assure children that you’ll still love them as much as their new younger siblings. But it also should go for children in general. You should still have an equal amount of love for your children as your spouse, it’s just a different love.
This is like when I heard a relative talking to her boyfriend about how nice her brother is for helping them out and how much she loves him. And when he jokingly asked if he should be jealous, she said “No, don’t worry I love you more”. And that’s always bothered me. The answer should have of course just been “No, ew”, first off. But you love your boyfriend more than you love your brother, who you also love? I don’t get that. It’s a different kind of love, and it should be ideally equal.
People making tier lists about which people in their lives they love more is so twisted to me, but it’s at it’s worst when it involves children. Especially if you’re letting your child know you love them less. It’s not right, and people like the woman reacting are not helping their case about it. Just bizarre and heinous.
A priority (of attention, of needs) is not the same as a "love hierarchy", supposed marriage counselors. Just because you prioritize a persons input doesn't mean "you love them more". That's unrelated.
Yes. The part about discerning when kids need to come first and when the self or relationship needs to be prioritized is maturity
I wouldn’t say I love my children more than my husband but my children definitely NEED my love more than he does and I have a greater responsibility to love and care for them, so yes they come first.
My spouse could find another spouse, if he so chose. My child has just the one mom.
Exactly!
My kid came right out and asked me if I love him more than I love his Dad. I don’t know, maybe I’m just kind of bluntish but I said “You’re Dad and I choose and love each other the most. But part of that love is that we created you guys together and we both know that we are responsible for you and care for you most. If there was a fire and either of us had to choose you kids, or the the other of us-you kids would come first. And part of our loving each other most is knowing THAT. We’re like one person, we’re a unit. We have to love each other most. But together we love you guys most and both of us are positive that we should die in a fire before you.”
I know that’s weird but when I was little my Dad told me that if there was a fire he’d save Mom before he’d save me, but that Mom would save me before she’d save him and that was just how things were supposed to be. That really sucked. I told my husband that if he saves me before the kids he’d end up with neither.
That’s a very honest answer
I feel like we need to start talking more about sadism and how sadistic people look like regular everyday people also.
That weird woman doesn’t look like a regular everyday person in the slightest though. Even the awful redpill dudes would say she’s got “crazy eyes”.
My ex once asked me if him and our hypothetical child were in danger and I could only save one which one would it be. I said the child to which he responded "You can have another child but, you can't have another me".
We know why he’s your ex. Good escape.
@@TheSuzberry That is one of many reasons and it took longer than it should have to leave but when I did I never looked back.
@michelledelp9811 It doesn't even logically track. You could find another boyfriend or husband much more easily than actually necessarily get pregnant with another child and carry them to term/ give birth anyway. Dude's own heartless logic falls apart so easily.
Yeah he'd be my ex too. Hey guess what he's wrong I could have more spouses than I can have children in a lifetime. Just saying
@@VioletEmerald No, it doesn't and I realized that much later, I was maybe 20 when we had that conversation.
Yeah, spouses may not last, but they'll always be your kid. I'm still loving my ex's kid from afar because in my heart, she's always going to be my kid, even though I'm no longer with her dad.
Comparing romantic love to parental love is like comparing apples to oranges
His twist on it was so wholesome. It's raining a lil bit in here.
My father did this. A lot.
It's such a messed up thing for a child to hear, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone ❤
I will still never forget the time my mom told me she only loved me because I was her daughter but that she didn’t LIKE me and didn’t even want to be around me. I was 14 and 16 years later it still hurts to remember. Your kids will remember the stuff you say so maybe think first? And no you should love your children more than your spouse OBVIOUSLY in different ways
A friend once told me that spousal love is conditional, whereas loving your children is unconditional
I totally agree with that, because if my spouse did something horrendous my reaction would be along the "I don't even know you" lines, and I'd fall out of love pretty quickly. But if my kid does it my reaction would be closer to "what the fuck happened? How do we help change happen?"
Of course I'm thinking of extreme cases, and thankfully I fully trust my spouse not to do something terrible (or we wouldn't be together), and hopefully we're raising a healthy and happy child who wouldn't do horrible things either. Just saying that this shows about the kind of love each gets
“Loving your children is unconditional”
Absolutely categorically factually untrue in a large minority of cases. Anyone who grew up in a golden child/ scapegoat dynamic knows what conditional love feels like: for some GC, the condition is being perfect. For the SG, it doesn’t matter because the goalposts move every time they get close.
@@Axqu7227 unfortunately, you are correct that this happens in the world
Really cannot fathom it
My dad openly declared to all of his ten (10) children that he will always love my mom more than any of us and he definitely showed it in how he left each of us as we were growing up to fend for ourselves in our house on a near daily basis and forced each kid to either become a parent to the rest or force the burden of parenthood onto a different, usually younger child
Part of the reason me and my partner are never having kids is because we couldn't put them above each other if needed. We know the way we're attached to each other and know that it wouldn't be healthy for kids to grow up like that.
There's 1000 other reasons kids aren't for us, not the least of which being various disabilities that would get in the way and my partner deciding he has no interest in parenting.
But even if all those other things were taken out we wouldn't be able to support kids the way they deserve because of our love for each other, so we decided on the responsible thing of not having kids.
Good for you. Parenting is far too demanding for something you're not totally dedicated to doing.
As a person who is about to have a baby: there’s this profound love I have for my baby and she’s a week away from being here if my contractions don’t decide to pick up sooner.
This little girl is a combination of myself and the man I cherish. I cannot fathom comparing these two loves competitively. The love for my husband is like a blanket. It’s this gentle, safe, warm and comforting presence. Somedays it’s passionate. But every day it fuels a fire in me to be a better person and to develop myself further. It makes me unafraid to die one day.
The love I feel for my daughter is a different kind of passionate. It’s unwaveringly protective. It’s huge like the sun and it burns just the same. In fact, to some degree I feel as though she is one with the sun.
What I mean is, my little world revolves around her and having the opportunity to bring her into this universe. It’s full of gratefulness that I get to be the one to show her the terrifying privilege of breath in this place.
Like a child showing off their collection of sea shells to a new friend, I get to show her everything I’ve learned and everything I will learn a long side her.
I’m excited to argue with her and to learn her points of view and watch her grow from the concept of nothingness into a whole passionate person.
Even now as she tries to break my ribs with her feet, I still love her. And in a way, I haven’t even met her yet.
These types of love, can never be competitively compared. In fact, if they were, I’d sooner break my own heart and leave the man I love, for the sanity and safety of my daughter if ever need be. And GOD I PRAY he’d do the same to me if I were genuinely unfit.
I’m a therapist and I agree with what you’re saying prof 💯.
I absolutely love my kids more than any man.
you love your loved ones EQUALLY
That is the point!
Plus you do not have the same KIND of love towards your partner as you have with your KIDS!
I love the Max in the middle of a wild rumpus in the background 😂
There's an underlying toxic thought process many people subconsciously entertain where they believe there is only so much love to go around and only so much room for feelings. So they start to rank in their mind who gets priority and it's why you will see the people playing favorites or fighting to be the only person validated in an argument. It's a scarcity mindset and it will perpetuate itself as long as it remains unaddressed.
I agree with everything thespeechprof said. My casual observation, and personal experiences, lead me to believe that for most hetero men, their relationships with their wives are their primary attachments (not counting their own parents, which is a whole other discussion). And for most women, that our children are our primary attachments. Look at when marriages break down - mothers tend to put the children's needs above the adults' needs. Fathers, on the other hand, statistically don't tend to even seek equal custody, and reject spending time with their children even when the mother begs them to. It seems as if the mother often IS the father's connection to the children.
Remember, I'm talking about tendencies and majorities. Not everyone. There is a LOT of individual variation!
My dad told me a similar thing, but instead of saying he loved my mom more (because they'd divorced 20 years prior), he told me that nobody would look out for my best interest better than me. And then, for some reason, I was surprised when he ghosted me during a mental health crisis.
Was anyone else, often asked by adults, as a child which _Parent they_ loved most? (I hated that!)
Step-parents love the idea that a spouse is to be the higher priority and purpose than the children.
It's often used to alienate a parent from their children.
My spouse chose me, and I chose him. And we loved each other so much that we married and created children, each of whom is their own wonderful individual selves, while also being a magical blending of their parents.
Sir, I could not choose a favourite book if you asked me to. How could I ever point to a family member and say, "I love this one best"? Sometimes one or the other needs me more. Sometimes I'm the one in need. I love them differently, in different times and seasons.
As I told my pre-school son when he was being sad one day because he had an older brother and a baby sister and reasoned that there was only so much of my love to go around, "Oh, honey. Love doesn't get divided; it *multiplies*. The baby takes more time right now, but there's a special box of Tony-love inside me that nobody else can ever have. And I don't know how big it is, because I've never gotten to the bottom of it."
My dad told this to me too once (out of nowhere) and even though I thought that it is "nice" that he loves my mom and that he probably wanted to tell me that he really, really does loves me but loves my mom even more, it still felt so strange to me as a kid. I am a 100 % with you. WHY would you ever say that to your child? Why?
I have a twin sister and people have asked me multiple times if I love my sister more than my husband. And again: Why?
I love my husband, I love my sister, I love my child - and it is GREAT. It is a great gift that I have so many people in my life that I love very very much. I love all of them in a different way so WHY should I choose? I don't have to, that is what makes it so great.
But yes, I agree. If it was that scenario than I would put my daughters needs first - and I hope my husband would do the same. Just because we are adults while she is a little child that we decided to bring into this world.
Man, telling her that has to be some form of abuse. I was always taught there are different kinds of love. It's not a competition.
My father said the same thing to me, that his wife is and always will be first for him, no matter what. "Always wife before daughter" were his exact words. It would be a sweet sentiment, if my mother wasn't my biggest bully. She would scream, hit and abuse me day in and day out, and my father looked the other way. She was a class A narcissist, didn't listen, didn't care, would slap and hit for things like spilled water, and lost her mind if one thing wasn't exactly how she wanted it. I have seen her with my own eyes hitting my father too, although he denies it now. But I was the main target. He didn't say anything, didn't do anything, and didn't even provide any comfort when I went to him afterwards. He only said one thing - that it was my duty to adjust with my mother, and understand that everyone has certain traits that we may or may not like, but family is family. I was literally a child. My mother was a boy mom, blind in her son's love and couldn't stand me. They were a unit, father, mother and son, and I was the outsider. My father never abused me but he stood by and watched it happen, he abandoned me. I wish that sometimes he had the courage to stand up to her and say what she was doing was wrong. I can only hope that in my own marriage I have a partner who puts our children first and stops me from doing something stupid and abusive. I may make mistakes because I don't think I'll ever completely heal from my childhood, but I hope my partner is man enough to identify and help me fix those mistakes, not stand by and do nothing. I hope he has the spine to stand up for his children, because they need the protection and support of a father much more than I need a husband. I'm an adult, I know how the world works, I can take care of myself. I hope my children never feel like orphans while having two living parents, like I did. I hope both of us are able to put them first.
Yasss, absolutelly agree with you mate 👌
In my opinion its just not the right way of looking at love. The fact is that there are different tipes of love and should not be conpared in that way
You’re right on 100% thank you. I love how you prefaced Healthy Relationship’s. Most people don’t even know or have ever seen what that looks like.
Honestly when someone says they love their spouse more than their children, a part of me assumes it's because they value the benefits they get out of relationships over most other things, because they like that their spouse is an adult who they get to do the adult things with and adults are relatively self sufficient where as with their children they instead have to be the one putting effort into taking care of them. And that mindset feels transactional and devoid of true love.
I believe that if you enjoy someone's company because they make your life better, then that's just liking someone,
but when you care more about making their life better over any benefits you may reap, that's what real love is.
I don't think my dad has ever said those words to me exactly, but I know that he loves my mum more than me or my brother. When I was 15, he cornered me when we were home alone, after I had just got up the nerve to tell my mum I was struggling with my mental health, and said I needed to "drop the depression thing" because it was upsetting my mum.
I spent so many years thinking my dad didn't love me at all. I still wonder to this day if my dad only had kids because my mum wanted kids. I don't want to know the answer
My mum knows that he loves her more than us too. And it upsets her. Because that isn't how it should be
I'm going to give my opinion:
1. Is not the same type of love and therefore cannot be compared.
2. I would absolutely prioritize our children over my husband. My husband is a complete full grown adult and our children are dependent.
3. I would feel so disappointed if my husband wouldn't prioritize the children over me. Really disappointed.
4. If there was only food for either the children or us. I guarantee you I would go out of my way to make sure that our children are being fed.
That is because you are a normal, sane human being.
you're a very insightful guy. Everyone planning to or currently have children needs to consider what you've said. Thanks
Married 32 years this year, two now adult children and I agree, you can't compare the two forms of love. Now they are grown, I would say that now I put the immediate needs of my wife above those of my children, but that is because my children are capable of making their own life decisions, and should - they don't need to be parented anymore. Do I love them any less? Of course not.
"Mom doesn't feel the same way about you." I HOLLERED.
My parents always made it clear that their relationship came first, and i think that's fair IF 1) that results in a stable home, because they're putting the work in to be healthy as a couple, and 2) as parents they work as a unit to prioritize their children's needs and well-being. Like you can put each other first as individuals and the kids first as a family. But comparing one love to the other is nonsensical, and expecting a parent not to fiercely and deeply love their kids seems like a good way to create attachment disorders
My parents have always made it clear that their marriage is incredibly important to them. Marriage counseling, marriage conferences, regular date nights, and constant affection towards each other. But I also have always known deep in my bones that they love me and my siblings beyond measure. It doesn’t have to be either or. A healthy committed marriage leads to more love being poured out on your kids. Love only yields more love. Compassion/competition only deters love.
Yeah, it’s a different kind of love. And there isn’t a limit to how much I love anyone, husband, children, family of origin, friends. It’s all different. ❤
I was having a conversation a while ago with an English as a second language speaker who was asking me and a colleague about how we, as English speakers use the word “love.” He was confused because in his culture and language, “love,” only applied to romantic love. The feeling you have for your kids, or parents, or friends is different, and they use a different word for it. And I think that gets to the heart of this argument - English is fundamentally a lazy language. We only have one word for “love,” which has to do so much work and apply to so many different situations, from romantic love to your favorite flavor of potato chip (salt and vinegar with honey Dijon coming a close second). We as English speakers understand which “love,” we’re talking about based on context, but I do think it leads to false comparisons like you’re elaborating on. Because they’re simply not the same feeling. I don’t have kids, but I know the love I feel for my partner is a fundamentally different emotion than the love I feel for my cats, than I would feel for kids if I ever had them, and it’s different than what I feel for my parents and different than what I feel for my brother. But in English, “love,” has to cover _all of that_, which isn’t the case in a lot of other languages.
Can't I just love them on equal but distinct grounds?
Yeah, I feel like this is the healthiest viewpoint?
Nah, you gotta rank them. First measure the amount of total love you can afford, then divide it among your family in proportion to their place in the hierarchy. Make sure to inform whoever ranks last that they will always be at the bottom.
/s
My dad loved me dearly and he wouldn't have chosen a stepmom who competed with that love. I'm thrilled he loved her too and built a life with her - love isn't a hierarchy
The way I see it is: your partner decided to be your partner, and your child did not choose anything about being your child. You will be, statistically speaking, the only being that can fit that place and role in your child's life. So, like, love? Who can even define love... but I would argue the greatest responsibility is to one's child.
Marriage and Family Therapist here. I completely agree. And as a woman and a mother, I would never be with a partner who thinks they are in a competition with our children. How messed up is that? It’s so different. Care from parent to child is more selfless, flows mostly from parent to child. Care between partners flows back and forth, and can have a delicious selfishness to it. I’m a mom of adults, an involved grandma of toddlers, and therapist of teens and young adults, and oh goodness after all the care I give day to day, getting care from my partner is just lovely. We don’t need to put our partners first or last. We just need to strive together for balance, and in a good relationship, time with a partner is also self care and certainly keeps me going. We are never going to be in that proverbial boat where we have to decide whether to throw our child or partner over. Also, if we have more than one kid, are we supposed to rank them too. Again, it’s love. It’s not pie. Lastly, as an LMFT who works with youth, don’t say that to your kids! I mean, why????
Every parent SHOULD put their kids before themself, and this is why everyone should have a choice on if they even WANT to be a parent or not!!
Exactly! There is no comparing, this isn’t the model we need to be using.
Loving your spouse over your kids makes me think of mom’s turning a blind eye to abuse.
Absolutely agree with you 100% on this! And I genuinely believe that anyone who has actually been in a healthy relationship would agree too. My (now) husband and I had a similar conversation very early on in our relationship and both said the same thing.
Partners (at least in a healthy relationship) are together because they want to be, but children (at least in a healthy parent/child relationship) need their parents and are dependent on their parents to have those needs met.
well than you better go first, because if mom goes first than you're stuck with me...the child you love less than. Guess who is going into a third rate home and than an old shoe box?
1:51 wait for it... NAILED IT!
Regardless of who I love more, I'm responsible for the happiness and well-being of my kids.
Yeah, when telling the truth, I always go by the scale I got from Miss Manners, as I read her column in the newspaper, when I was a teenager, in the 1980’s:
If the only thing which can be accomplished by telling the truth to someone is to hurt their feelings, the polite person has two choices:
1. Say nothing
Or
2. Lie.
As the parent of two, I see no reason to tell either of our children that they are any amount less important to me than they think,they are. No reason at all. My relationship and depth of love for their dad is obvious to them, but it is none of their business to know how they rate agains him…hell…I would have a hard time making a quantitative statement on this issue to anyone.
given the abusive father that Prof. Chesko has described having, it makes so much sense that he would want his needs prioritized above his own, because he understands what it is like to not be a priority to your parent (much like a lot of us, unfortunately). because children are inherently more vulnerable and have less power, it makes sense that children's needs are prioritized because at certain stages they are unable to take care of their own needs. i like that he carefully says needs and not wants because that's a different hierarchy.
I think is not about love but about who you would sacrifice more for, no matter the intensity or quality of love . In that sense a child should be the priority if there is an equal need.