my boyfriend's hiding our relationship r/AITA 1 800 Drama Podcast
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- Опубліковано 18 вер 2024
- 1 800 Drama Episode 19 is live! In this week's r/AITA deep dive, we discuss workplace boundaries with a pregnant colleague, forcing a religious boyfriend to announce a relationship, and whether to prioritise family wishes over personal wellbeing ... Grab a cuppa and let’s go fishing 🎣🍑✨
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HEY LET'S BE INTERNET FRIENDS:
Instagram @sherbetlemon007
Twitter @sherbetlemon007
TikTok @sherbetlemon007
Twitch @shaabaandjamie
Our site: shaabaandjamie . c o m
Jamie's channel: @Jammidodger
Our gaming channel: @shaabaandjamie
Be kind and have a great day (:
I hope you guys use that "Jamie's Metaphor Moment" theme music again, because that was hilarious!
Yes I loved that too, so I'm seconding useing it more
love you guys! lol, "rubs me the wrong way" is 100% how american-english speakers use that phrase
I always associated that expression with how when you literally pet a dog or cat the wrong way, it makes them annoyed or downright mad😂
also in Australia
this explains so much 😂
@@HighAsHeckPriestess Yes I always thought it was about petting animals the wrong way! But yes very common in America.
American here: I only recently noticed that Shaaba says "rubs me up the wrong way," and it suddenly sounded so weird! 😂 Funny that either one sounds creepy depending on which one you say normally.
I’ve come out to most of my family in the past week, and it feels good!
Congratulations!
@@jennifers5560 thank you!!
Congratulations! That's amazing ❤❤❤❤
@@Sofia-fp4mw thank you so much!!
Congrats! Hope you feel good and accepted!
As a 34 yr old w/ ARFID, I FULLY support having someone else order for you!! Because if I order and it's wrong then I'm like well that's my fault for being weird, but if my partner orders something and it's wrong, he's 100% going to say something lol. To be fair after 10 years together he'll correct an order for me no matter what because he knows if I got something I won't eat then I literally just won't eat rather than making it someone else's problem
My friend has this (and crippling anxiety) and always brings a lunchbox if we're going out. If someone tries to reprimand her, her girlfriend always explains for her and brings up ADA rules.
If my partner or best friend is ordering, it's fine, but anyone else, noooo thank you.
As someone with high anxiety and a low tone of voice (I have such a hard time speaking loudly enough for people to hear me on a socially acceptable distance when it's noisy), I am 100% behind you xD
Tbf, I think Jamie and Shabaa were thinking of someone else picking your food for you when they order with no previous informed consent, so different situations.
Also, not saying anxiety and ARFID are the same, just that I agree that it's ok to order for someone if there's consent to do so. And I just learned about ARFID now because of this comment, so thank you as well :p
You’ve just taught me something important about myself. When I was sixteen/seventeen I had what I thought was anorexia up until now. After googling ARFID and reading the article I found, I realize it was ARFID all along. Thank you for inadvertently educating me.
When my wife and I were dating, she was out, I was not. We wanted to move in together, but she said that she did not want to live together as “roommates”. She said that she would not move in until I came out at least to my family. (My house is literally 4 houses away from my parents’ house, so it would have been very hard to hide our relationship.) I told her I couldn’t right now and she basically broke up with me. It only took me 3 days to realize I made a wrong choice. I came out to my parents and she moved in. I don’t really look at it like she gave me an ultimatum, but I am glad that she gave me that little push. I don’t think I would have come out on my own. And after it was all said and done, I wished I would have come out sooner!
That sounds like a healthier way of communicating about wishes and boundaries than the teenagers in the example! You both were being clear about what you felt like you needed at the time (rather than a bunch of guilt-tripping and pressuring)...and if you then changed your mind and were like "No, you know what, this is worth the risk!", that's fine too. And it sounds like you were happy with the outcome!
@@emilymoran9152 oh yes, we will be celebrating being together for 26 years this Friday!
@@jennifers5560 Congratulations! I'm happy for you both!
@@toddashi Thank you kindly!
So glad it worked out for you! I love hearing stories of people finding happiness through being their true selves! You were both extremely brave and risked a lot and I am so glad you guys worked through it!
I feel like the first story can be split into two parts: AITA for feeling this way, and AITA for what I did.
The answer to the second part is definitely a yes, OP did overact in a pretty extreme way (to an admittedly annoying coworker who I think also deserves some blame for continuing to bring the subject up). The answer to the first though? Absolutely not. Your feeling are valid. Your feelings are always valid. It's what you do with them that determines whether or not you're in the wrong.
For Noa, I usually think of it as "what would i tell my friend if they were going through this?" And do exactly what I would tell them. If your friend was going through the exact same thing and if they came to you with this problem, if you'd tell them no don't contact the mom, then maybe you also shouldn't contact your mom. (I hope that makes sense).
Great tactic, I love this! And I really hope Noa gets the help and advice they need.
I often ask my friends, "okay but, would you say this to ME instead of yourself if I was the one going through this?" Frequently the answer is no, and that leaves people with a lot to challenge. I ask myself this CONSTANTLY and turns out I have ridiculously high expectations of myself compared to others.
The religious relationship one reminds me of something that happened to me as a young adult. I chose to spend time with my boyfriend at the time instead of going to a church function I was informed of that very day. Later that week, my dad kicked me out of the house. I was 19 at the time. Yeah, those situations can have serious repercussions that a lot don't understand.
THIS SO MUCH!!! Religion can be a VERY STRONG THING in certain households, & the comparison to coming out the closet re sexuality or being enby/trans is spot on. You can't force somebody to come out, especially not if the repercussions are homelessness
That last one hit way too close to home for comfort! I'm not the peach who sent the story in, but I just as well could be. So thank you, Shaaba and Jamie, for your kind words. Receiving your verdict of NTA did me a lot of good!
me too. i wondered if i accidentally sent this in because my name is noa and i’m also an enby 😅
My husband doesn’t want me to be around him when he’s mad, he needs time to process quietly. Then when he’s ready, he comes to me to talk it out more calmly. It was hard for me to get used to, because I’m a very vocal person. My younger self wouldn’t have done well in my marriage! I don’t think that 18 yr old is ready for such a serious relationship! And they 100% should also never assume that why they are not telling their parents has anything to do with you personally!!!
I am completely and fully on your side in the first one, and I think that the way Shaaba phrased the suggested apology is 100% perfect.
Same. I was totally Everybody Stinks Here. Colleague didn't shut up after being told nicely, & OP went too far with the outburst
no matter how many of these podcasts i watch, i always expect jamie to follow up shaaba's "be kind" with "rewind!"
am i just old
You are just old.
And so am I.
I do the same thing. 😄
Thank you!!! My brain always adds that in! Although I may be old as well (early 30s) and I lived in the years of VHS.
6:26 op didn’t tell coworker nothing at all. She told her it was a sensitive subject and that’s why it was tough to talk about it. Coworker completely ignored the feelings of OP
For me I think the coworker just constantly forgot. It can be difficult to remember certain quirks of coworkers (depending on how many you have) that may arise only at certain times. And without a lot of data that may be how the coworkers brain filed it away without fully realizing this was a trigger. A bit self-absorbed but she is also dealing with a lot of new things if this is her first pregnancy or this one is different than her previous ones. I also think that OP may not be totally aware of where their boundaries were, this may be the first time dealing with this and didn’t realize that talking about body aches would be enough to trigger them. I think ESH and both need to apologize and learn from this to move forward. I think neither is fully at fault but both are a bit self absorbed in their own feels to realize that both of them need to improve in order to continue working together. I think the coworker needs to realize that they may be over sharing (hopefully they have a support network at home that they can shift this need to) and OP needs to be more comfortable with noticing, alerting and redirecting when a trigger is being pushed. “Hey I know you’re excited but can we talk about something else? This conversation is negatively affecting me”. Does not need to share information, and it can be hard and exhausting to do, but sometimes people need constant reminders (I am speaking as someone with ADHD and with a lot of friends with ADHD. With no emotional impact sometimes Info gets misfiled in my brain so I may need more than 1 reminder. )
I would say that maybe the first OP is feeling upset about the pregnant coworker constantly talking about her pregnancy because she is feeling that coworker is complaining about her pregnancy, when OP would be grateful to be able to have a child. I know pregnancy is very rough, but it feels like maybe OP was in the moment thinking that her coworker was acting like she hates the symptoms of her pregnancy, when she made the choice to become pregnant.
Agreed.
I hope the pregnant coworker apologizes to OP, too, and then either actually stops talking about her pregnancy or moves to another office.
Full disclosure: I have serious medical issues, and they've caused hubs and me to not have the children we'd hoped for. We're forty-five now. I feel empathy for OP that's informed by my own situation, so, I'm definitely biased.
This isn't it. Just bc someone else would be grateful to have the symptoms of pregnancy, and there, I will stop right there, bc no one likes those symptoms of pregnancy even if you love your baby.
You can have a miracle baby and those moments of relief and joy will still come with "I feel like crap why do I have to live right now."
"Don't complain about symptoms you chose to be pregnant," is not reasonable bc coworker wasn't blaming people for being pregnant, they were making a matter of fact statement about their discomfort. Which, no, I don't care if you want a baby, that doesn't mean you forfeit your own feelings about the symptoms? What.
@@SLYKM I wasn't saying that OP wasn't in the wrong or shouldn't apologize, I was just kind of getting that vibe from the text.
I can see that. I agree that ESH but I do have some grace for the coworker, she may not have felt she was talking about her pregnancy by talking about back/feet pain, and it can be difficult to remember who/when you can talk about your daily life with for months on end. Especially if you don’t know the emotional reasons behind that request (I am NOT saying OP owes anyone that info, but emotionally charged info does affect how the brain stores/processes information). I think OP may need some therapy to help process why she had such a strong reaction to this so that moving forward she can learn to handle similar situations better. I also think that the coworker may need to learn about different triggers and try to understand that it wasn’t an attack on her out of the blue (which it probably felt like) but a response to poking a painful subject. Not necessarily her fault but she still caused some pain. I think she would be more receptive to this once she is able to separate “did something bad” from “I am totally at fault”. Op is responsible for her emotional response and the coworker is responsible for not respecting boundaries (although I do think she probably forgot or just didn’t realize how broad the boundary was, which OP might not have even been aware of as well). I think both need to realize they handled this badly in different ways and learn from it moving forward.
When I was pregnant I barely mentioned it unless asked. I didn't talk about it alot because I didn't think it was important for others to hear about it. If I was asked, I'd talk about it - but I didn't go on about it. I didn't not talk about it a lot because it may upset people - I just didn't feel the need to talk about it all the time.
"Rubs me the wrong way" is the American saying meaning "makes me uncomfortable"
I'd say it has a flavor of irritation as well
"Rubs me UP the wrong way" had me ROLLING lmao
Shaaba is so funny that she has ascended to making accidental jokes
@bridgetcooney5085 yeah it def has flavor to it hence the saying and not just "it make me uncomfortable and irritated". It's also like you can't put a finger on what is actually uncomfortable about it? But also like "it's like nails on a chalk board put into a lotion and applied to my neck" lol
@PenelopeAstony I wonder if that's the actual saying in the uk? I just keep thinking "feels me up" and that completely changes the meaning of the phrase!
@@nebulan yeah we do say "up" in the British version lol
Story 2- op is the drama. Relationships are about communication and two ways agreement when you tell your family. It’s tough to hide your relationship and if you can’t handle it that relationship is not the right one for you especially when you’re still super young
It's his family, & he's the one who knows what they're like, & if they'd say, throw him out the house for being in a relationship. She can't force him into it. Plus, both are still young, so there's a lot to figure out re who you are & who you want to be with. And that's why she's TD
As a woman who could not bear children I must say that the way OP stated things was over the top and somewhat uncoothe. However, I think a kinder way of saying it was in order. I agree with you two, everybody sucks. No one's hands are clean in this situation.
If someone has truly changed and recognized their own issues and what they did - then they need to be OK with realizing that they may never reconcile. Yes, it hurts - but if I am truly sorry for what I did to someone and love them - then I will want what is best for them. If that means that I they need to stay away from me - then I need to accept that.
Well said! I've rarely seen someone do that much work, healing, reflection and then come out and say "I've changed"
Usually that level of healing has an understanding of the work never being done, and that you don't have the right to expect forgiveness. Just my two cents, tho.
Yes. 1,000% yes. I have seen some people genuinely change for the better and I have never seen one of them believe they are owed forgiveness. When I hear of people thinking they are owed forgiveness then I think they aren’t as changed as they believe they are.
100% with Jamie on the cutting people out. There may be .01% of abusers that change like Shaaba said, but...
Please reconsider the comparison for the first story: accessibility is a human right. Being mindful of someone else’s triggers is a choice you might make in some situations and won’t in others. There‘s no imperative of always limiting yourself to the bounds of someone else’s triggers. But in a society there’s an imperative to grant accessibility (more in public spaces) and even laws.
Yes! That's what I was thinking too!
That's a very good point, and I hope they see this! While I read it as Shabaa considering if we should add full accessibility at all times and equally consider people's triggers at all times (rather than considering that sometimes it's ok not to be accessible even if there's someone who needs it), you make an important point.
Especially because some people forget that accessibility is a human right, so it's important to bring attention to that. And I'm including myself as "some people," even though I need accessibility. It's really easy to think people shouldn't be bothered to create a baseline from where you can also work/study/be in society just because it can be "inconvenient."
@@kai6377 thanks for the addition about how you read the comparison. Could be possible. (I would make the same point though, because I think it’s unhealthy to either try to or expect from others to always be weary of other people’s triggers).
When you're talking about your gaming channel: "I will warn you though, its very unfiltered". Me: Clicks faster than you can blink onto the Gaming channel 🤣🤣
this came at such a great time !! really missing home at uni as i’ve just moved in, can’t wait
hugs to you, hope you’re settling in well! the homesick feelings will become smaller soon and replaced with fun and exciting new vibes, hang in there! 🍑✨
The one with the mum is hard and it’s even harder when someone has family emotionally manipulating them. Personally will always be against ever saying to anyone “…but they’re family so you just need to do xyz…” so completely agree with the gran is the drama verdict. Even if she isn’t meaning to purposely be manipulative and is being genuine, she still should know better than to say something like that
I am currently pregnant (7 months as well) and I am SUPER aware of how much I'm talking about it at work because I don't want it to be the only thing I'm talking about. It comes up a lot and lots of people seem to *want* to talk to me about it all, but I also put quite a lot of effort into making sure I talk about other things (what's happening with other people, just literally any other topic etc). I think the way OP snapped wasn't great and did feed into the drama, but equally if I had only been talking about pregnancy for the last 5 months and my colleague had said 'hey can we talk about literally anything else' then I would also be the drama if I didn't make some effort to talk about other things. That said, commenting on back ache absolutely could have been a non-pregnancy thing for me as well as a pregnancy thing... Before I became pregnant we had a lot of issues conceiving (it took a long time), and I did have to remove myself from various conversations with colleagues at work when people were talking about their babies etc. But I equally cannot imagine shouting at any of them when they had those conversations (at least once daily, they love their kids and that's fine!) even when they absolutely DID know why I didn't want to be in those conversations. It was my boundary for myself, not to prevent them from talking about a topic that's important to them.
This is a long version of yeah, I think in that scenario Everybody Sucks Here.
Agreed. I also think that OP doesn’t fully know where to draw their boundaries and doesn’t fully realize what may or may not be triggering. Which is fair, it can be hard to fully identify them. But from the sound of it, OP brought it up once then expected that to be enough to last for months. I think if OP had consistently either excused themselves from the convo or asked to change topics, most people would have a more considered response and remember more consistently to talk about different topics. I think this story is a break down in communication and both OP and the coworker being lost in their feels as they navigate these very different and difficult emotions.
Also, congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope that you are enjoying (and also not enjoying the sucky side effects, having to pee all the time sounds unpleasant ) the journey and that you and your family have a lifetime of growth, challenges (teens and toddlers can suck), and happiness!
Really liked the commentary on that last one about individual's rights to forgive someone or not, or to move on or not. I was previously in a relationship which was incredibly unhealthy, and the way I was treated was not okay. Eventually I ended the relationship because of this and completely cut contact. Over time, I worked through my baggage, and thinking about my ex and the relationship became less triggering. Over a decade later, I randomly bumped into my ex, and we had a pretty civil conversation about where we were at and what we were doing, after which they kept insisting that we should be friends. I said no, even though it disappointed them. I had forgiven them for hurting me, but that didn't mean I wanted them in my life. Our conversation gave me a final bit of closure, but that chapter of my life was closed and I didn't want it reopened. And yeah, I knew that ultimately disappointed them, but it was my right to make that decision and look after my own interests there.
I completely feel you. I am someone who with time always forgives (timeframe depending on what the person did), because I do not want to have “enemies”, but forgiving is not the same thing as forgetting something happened. Forgiving simply means not holding on to the hurt and anger, and I think it is something we do more for ourselves than for the other person. However it’s perfectly acceptable to not want to interact with the person anymore. If you happen to bump into them, it’s one thing to be civil, but there is no need to interact on purpose or let them back into your life.
So well said! I'm really glad you were able to heal and move on, while also not feeling like you need to invite them back into your life. That might have been difficult for you, and if it was, I'm very impressed! We don't owe anyone a relationship with us, especially not after the hurt they've caused. We can if we WANT to, but no obligation should exist.
This is similar to me with my Dad. Love the guy to pieces, but the way he harmed me growing up is something that has left a lasting, raw wound that I'm still deep into healing at 30. He's done a lot to grow and change, and he isn't "all better" and I don't think he will be, but generally speaking he's a mostly safe and enjoyable person to be around now. I won't be having contact with him though, it's not worth it to me to spend my energy and emotional spoons on someone who I'd be better off moving on from, and spending that energy on a different and much more fulfilling connection(s), like the ones I have with the beautiful friends and chosen family in my life now.
The only line I really despised from the first story was “At least you have a uterus!” Nobody knows what’s going on with anyone else’s body. Just because she’s has one doesn’t mean it was absolutely a cake walk for her to get pregnant. To quote Brene Brown, “an empathetic response rarely, if ever, begins with ‘at least’.”
Exactly! What if she had miscarriages, there are a lot of serious repercussions for health or pregnancy is not turning out exactly as expected? OP is being very self-centred and inconsiderate, this is a whole different level of asshole
Unfortunately, I work in a pretty conservative industry s I'm not a fan of many coworkers daily conversations. A good pair of headphones can go a long way 😅🤣
lol this is what my dad talks about with his job (HVAC/plumbing/electrical)
he and his boss are the only liberals in the office so they just exchange eyerolls
I have this same problem. Everyone I work with is very religious so we have nothing in common. Unfortunately I'm not allowed to wear headphones.
@@thecraziestcrayon oof that's rough 😔
As far as ordering for someone else, if you're eating a cuisine you've never had before, you ask someone familiar with the food to order for you.
Or I just google the foods because I'm a picky eater 😂
@@dasha_ucko I'm a vegetarian so I'd mention that from the get-go & ask the chefs. They know what they're doing & what they can adjust to cater for people
"You're asking a pregnant woman not to be happy, because you're unhappy" and that comment is telling someone who is hurting to be quiet about their hurt because someone else is happy.
Not just that, but to let the happy person repeatedly rub salt in the wound.
Unfair, as Shaaba and Jamie said the comments seem to ignore that the coworker was already asked to stop mentioning it. Yes OP lashed out, but both of them had behaved unprofesionally already. Plus, OP already said she was going to apologize.
The comments in the reddit were absolutely lacking empathy for OP, who has gone through something very serious and as a result cannot become pregnant while she wants to. The comments were way too rude and inconsiderate.
The sad reality is that the majority of people have little understanding and compassion for infertility. Watching people around you be pregnant when you keep trying but it isn’t happening, the comments of “don’t you want kids”, “when are you guys having children or “you shouldn’t wait too long, you are not getting any younger”, having to deal with medical professionals who are not always pleasant, going through IVF and it not working, having to navigate different options such as adoption and being scrutinised to see if one is fit to be a parent…
It’s great that the coworker is pregnant and yes we are happy for her, but it can also be really difficult to deal with the associated emotions. Especially when someone keeps talking and complaining about the pregnancy every day.
I've recently been injured and can't walk. Should I expect no one around me to ever complain about how their feet hurt from walking or standing too much because I'm suffering and struggling to adapt to my newly disabled life? No that's ridiculous, other people should get to live their lives and talk about things that are bothering them, even if they make me or someone else feel some kinda way. Sometimes people say things that make you uncomfortable or remind you of hurtful things, that's life, we shouldn't be able to tell other what to do and what they can and can't talk about in a social space
@@qryptidthere’s a difference between “ugh my feet hurt, must be from moving furniture in the house” after a weekend, and “my feet hurt. guys my feet are so sore. my feet huuuuuurt idk if I can walk to my car” etc etc every day, constantly, though. I think this lady and her pregnancy fall in the latter category. Lie, it’s not just infertile folks that don’t want to hear about it. Like…yea, coworker, everyone can see you’re fucking pregnant, please find other topics to talk about. There’s a whole world out there and it’s not revolving around your fetus.
@@qryptid
Sure but like, they're not constantly talking about walking for 7 months now are they?😂
@solsystem1342 you're right people complain about having to walk far or how their feet hurt on a regular basis for their entire lives lmao. Even more reason OP is TAH that she couldn't just put up with it for a few months
I think for me is the difference between we need to not say anything because it could possibly hurt someone Is that op specifically told this person that it was hurting them
My thing about the first story is: was it ACTUALLY constant talk about pregnancy, or did the colleague just happen to have experiences in her body at work that happened to be constant (aches and pains, badly timed kicks) and affecting her ability to function at work? If it's the latter, I would say OP is the drama. I'm sure colleague isn't running around the office saying "gee I sure feel pregnant today wowzers I got the pregnants real bad". Was the colleague talking to OP, or was OP overhearing a conversation? Is the colleague not allowed to have conversations with OTHER coworkers about the pregnancy if they care? Jamie's height analogy doesn't fit because no one is suffering with being tall. Pregnancy is scary and uncomfortable.
I think we know that it IS constant talk because it wasn’t just OP who said that, it was also the person that was next to them after they yelled at this person
The colleague could have been constantly talking about her food cravings, and getting the nursery ready, and the baby clothes and accessories they were buying or getting, and their discussions about baby names, and her last prenatal appointment, and the gender reveal party they are having, and so on. For someone who is preoccupied with their own life experiences there is always plenty to talk about.
Yeah it feels weird because the thing that pushed OP over the edge was coworker expressing discomfort caused by her pregnancy and if it was exclusively mentioning her aches and pains, OP would be overreacting. But it sounds more like this was just the final straw because it seems she's making EVERY conversation about her pregnancy.
I'm tokophobic and pregnancy makes me super uncomfortable. I realize that's a "me problem", and I try not to make it anyone else's, but I do have a limit. I will set boundaries and redirect conversations if it gets to be too much. I can handle most the usual "new baby fuss", but sometimes people share way too many details.
Me yesterday, watching the short being, oh right Jamie is Trans.
Me today hearing Shaaba is on her period, oh right Shaaba is cis.
I swear I have the worst memory, my brain just defaults with everyone in front of me to "human who deserves to be treated nicely and with respect"
You two are probably my favorite internet couple. You just have such a cute and healthy relationship ❤️ As a young person, you guys are the model of what I want my future relationship to look like. Love you 😘❤️
GREEN FLAG: I order the exact same thing at the restaurants that I go to every time that I go. I have extreme social anxiety and hate ordering for myself or talking to the wait staff in any way shape or form. Having someone order for me is wonderful. A lot of times I will tell who I am with what I am ordering before the waiter arrives so that they can order it for me.
I'd say: first date & they don't know you: red red red!!!
They know you well & think you'll like this & know it fits your requirements & preferences, green
Hey Noa!
Idk if you are reading this, but as a fellow enby (30 Y.O.) with C-PTSD, I would like to add my grain of salt!
I fully agree with everything Shaaba and Jamie said, so well put and so balanced.
I would like to add another thing to consider as well!
With C-PTSD, as you likely know and experience, you have a generally higher likelihood of experiencing emotional triggers in life. Your mom was seemingly a HUGE source of that C-PTSD, and has been a long-term source of abuse for you. Lets say though, for the sake of argument, that she is a severely healed, much much better version of herself;
Even if that's the case, the likelihood of you being triggered by your mom, even if she isn't leaning back into abusive behaviors, is seemingly high (from the outside looking in, and from the very little info we have to go on.) While there is certainly a possibility that having a relationship with your mom would be healing for YOU (cuz remember it's not just about your mom's and Nana's benefit here) and would possibly now be better, the chances of that happening vs continually being re-traumatized by even innocuous, non-abusive behaviors is MUCH greater, from my perspective.
I think of it in a risk assessment stance. What are the rewards? What are the risks? Which ones are more likely? Which ones have history shown to be more of a pattern? Do I have evidence that this pattern has been strongly disrupted, and has changed? How long term has that change been? What have the efforts been to make said change?
You do you, at the end of the day it's fully your decision, and hopefully your Nana's input on that can be as lowly considered as possible. While she might mean totally well, good intentions don't mean that your actions aren't harmful, and I feel like she is being a bit forceful with using the guilt of her death as a push for you to compromise your boundaries.
Also, *I personally*, dont recommend rekindling that relationship. You sound very early on in your healing, newish to learning and exploring this beautiful newfound identity and way of understanding yourself in this world, and the risks of your mom throwing that off are extremely and concerningly high to me.
Whatever you do, I hope you are SAFE, I hope you are LOVED and supported, your identity and expressions of it are embraced with curiosity and excitement, and I wish you nothing but strength, community, and resilience
On the first story I’m torn. It was a rather harsh response, but they’d been pushed pretty far and finally snapped. I generally think if someone has been respectfully asked to please not talk to them about a trigger and they continue to do so, the person continually bringing up the trigger to the triggered person is the asshole, and potentially an intentional one. In this case, I’m not clear on if she recognized that it was part of a trigger.
The way I think of it is if someone had been attacked by a dog and now discussions of dogs trigger them, I wouldn’t be bringing up a new puppy to them. And if for months I end I kept bringing up dogs when they asked me to please not, and then they snapped at me, I would be apologizing to them because I’d realize I’d been crossing their boundaries repeatedly and feel bad
(Shaaba is a very kind person and I really appreciate her response too)
I agree. OP has asked the coworkers to stop and it seems like other colleagues are also getting irritated, so the coworker is clearly being insensitive about other people. OP was not correct to snap at the coworker but I can understand the frustration when this has been going on for months and has already been addressed politely in the past without any result.
I have to disagree and say that for the first story, while the op is an arse, the pregnant lady is much worse, simply because infertility, miscarriages and child loss are incredibly common. If you're pregnant and someone in your life specifically tells you that they're sensitive about the topic, especially at work, you should absolutely be careful about the topic. Op might not even be the only one at the office struggling with it. Yes op should have done something about it before it escalated but seriously, it is common decency to make a note of something a coworker is grieving about
I agree.
I don't disagree with you, but I think I'm more inclined to give the Pregnant lady grace because I have such an aversion to pregnancy and children that I overcorrect and try to be more kind than maybe is needed. I agree with the ESH badge, but I fully respect yours as well!
However, the CO worker was noting physical ailments. She has the right to note of physical ailments are effecting her tolerance for her job. I do think esh, but I think op is more ta
But your own traumas don't get to dictate what people get to talk about. Coming from someone who has triggers around both common and uncommon things. Talking about something major in your life because it's affecting your day to day is not an asshole thing to do whether people find it annoying or not. The coworker is NOT talking about infertility or miscarriages. Pregnancy is something that will be around you no matter what because it is also a common experience. It's something OP will have to come to terms with. It's of course great to be considerate, but what's happening with her coworker is her own life, her own body, her own experiences. OP didn't give example that the coworker was going around saying stuff like 'oh every woman should experience pregnancy!' or other similarly presumptuous language. I would say that would make someone a major asshole for a variety of reasons. But as far as we know that's not the case. Many traumas are common, but others are not obligated to stop talking about any topic that may have trauma surrounding around it. It's easier said than done and I again say this as someone who doesn't react well to triggers at all lol, so I feel for OP (even if I cannot relate to their exact trauma). It is a constant struggle.
I completely agree with you, especially because OP did previously mention that she has trauma around the topic and the pregnant coworker talks about her pregnancy all the time. It’s fine to talk about her pregnancy (I don’t think OP is expecting that it will never be mentioned) but not constantly when she knows OP is triggered. A lot of people have so little compassion and understanding for people who suffer from infertility.
I totally agree with the outing comparison for the religious story. I had planned to come out to my parents my first year of college when i had some level of safety and security. I was outed a year before that. Even though the worst didn't happen, it's a terrible feeling to live in a house knowing that you are not fully loved and accepted and having to walk on eggshells because one wrong move could mean serious consequences.
The first OP I think had a valid reaction. Especially since she'd told the coworker previously that it was a sensitive subject. Was it rude? Yes. Does it warrant an apology? Yes. Was the coworker in the wrong for continuing to talk about it after she was asked politely not to because it is a sensitive topic? Also yes.
Story 2: Did OP say April 2024? So they've been together for 5 months? And OP NEEDED to buy him an expensive watch because he's so important to her? OP is being way too intense, and needs to do a lot of maturing. I'm not going to say OP is toxicly controlling or manipulative, because OP might just be really immature and new to romantic relationships, but I really hope she grows from this.
EDIT: I'm picturing OP giving the boyfriend the watch and being like, "Now this is how you'll tell them, okay? Promise you'll tell them. Seriously, promise. Promise you'll tell them." And then the boyfriend promising he'll tell them just to avoid a fight (which isn't healthy either, granted).
Shaaba crying over Calamari Platter Challenge
"I made the best decision I could with the information I had at the time" is an evergreen reminder for myself.
I was raised with that attitude - my mum speaks unrepentantly of sleeping us on our fronts as babies; it was, at the time, the recommendation. She brought us up on margarine instead of butter; it was, at the time, thought healthier. We bought fully into washing our hands and singing happy birthday in 2020, and... I don't actually see a downside to that one, except for being slightly silly.
All you can ever do in life is make the best decision you can from the options you see and with the information you have,
and forgive yourself if it all goes terribly wrong anyway, because the "you" that made that choice truly couldn't have chosen better.
Totally agree with the NTD badge for the last story. OP should do what’s right for them, whether that’s reconciling or not. If their mum is narcissistic, it’d totally fit the profile for the mum to be playing the victim with family and seeming really remorseful, which aren’t actually helpful. I can relate to OP as I went no contact with my mum for 10 months, and got a ton of pressure to reconcile from family. In my case my precondition for talking to her again from the beginning of NC was that we do family therapy together, which we eventually did (hence ending at 10 months). Therapy was really helpful in our case, but certainly not for the reasons I thought it would be. She hadn’t changed and wouldn’t, but I developed new and better understanding and coping skills so that it’s easier for me to manage our challenging relationship. If OP wanted to try family therapy and give reconciliation a go, it could be worth it. But ONLY if OP wants to do that for themselves, it’d be hard on OP and all involved and grandma shouldn’t pressure of guilt OP into taking steps they aren’t ready for or may never want to take. Hang in there!! ❤❤❤
This is your regular reminder that you're all awesome, beautiful and valid little peaches, just the way you are ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 Love you all ❤🧡💛💚💙💜
The first one kind of reminds me of a situation we had at my workplace - I work in the local library, we have a volunteer (she’s in a wheelchair so has a carer with her). One of my colleagues from another town’s library was working with her on this day and started talking about her principal who committed suicide. This really upset volunteer because unfortunately her dad also committed suicide and her carer/mum went right off at this colleague. Yes talking about suicide may be inappropriate but volunteer and carer couldn’t except someone who barely knows them to know her history
That said it’s like another commenter said, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage so if someone says they have a sensitive toward pregnancy, it’s pretty likely that’s why
The difference though is that in the story a) OP did ask the coworker to stop because the topic is triggering to her and b) it’s not a one time thing but the coworker seems to talk about her pregnancy a lot.
OP shouldn’t need to go into the details, it’s enough to say that pregnancy is a triggering topic and that she’d appreciate the coworker to talk about it less.
@@s.a.4358 Yeah, the volunteer in my story is particularly sensitive to discussions of death - another colleague and I were talking about a upcoming funeral (we look after the local cemetery) and that unfortunately triggered her
@@coasttocoast2011 it sounds like that volunteer would benefit from seeing a grief counsellor or a therapist. She seems to deal with a lot of difficult emotions, which must be hard for her as death is unfortunately part of life and something that will come up (even just in movies, the news on TV, etc)
Story 1: so glad Shaaba explained her thinking further. Also glad they addressed the fact that yelling at work isn’t ok.
Still huge sympathies to OP.
The second story really hit home for me. I am ex-religious, and I dated a childhood friend for a few weeks when I was 17. He broke up with me via text to my dad because I wasn't ready to tell my religious fundamentalist parents about us.
Also, in my religion we literally keep the holy books in a closet that's called "the holy closet" so when leaving is nicknamed "coming out of the holy closet"
Unless I ask you to order for me (ei. I know this is your favourite place, what's good? or for me I have serious decision fatigue can you just pick) agreed giant red flag.
That is how I felt. I realized the key to all my exceptions was they involved consent. I have consented to my partner taking the lead.
It's forgivable if there is a reason why ordering cannot wait (eg: I'm not there atm and they are closing the kitchen soon, or a group of 20 just arrived and we should get our order in before they start ordering) - especially if it's a restaurant where I have a favourite dish that I usually/always order.
I think colleague sucks a little more because they had been told it was hard to hear about it. I would request if they can move offices, because she did say she shared one with her. She probably should have as soon as she realized she was triggered. I am disabled and can't have kids despite wanting them. I know how it can twinge when hearing about things you cannot do. 99% of the time i can brush it off, but there are times it hurts like a gut punch. The comments are ridiculous. I agree ESH. I wish OP had acted proactively and removed herself though.
2 mins ago… a new PB 🙌😂 Love you guys and this podcast xx
My parents met at 15, started dating at 17, and got married at 19 (they had me at 21). As far as I know, they're still together 47 years later (I'm no contact with them because... well, we're not talking about how HEALTHY their relationship is). But they constantly had people telling them it wouldn't last either. Granted, a bunch of their friends and siblings ALSO got married that young (we're of Mennonite heritage, so getting married from 16-19 was common in their generation) and maybe 90% have since gotten divorced, so... (same with friends I've had that got married at 18-20 - they're all divorced now). Odds are against the success of a relationship that started that young, but that's still not a guarantee that it CAN'T last and it's SUPER rude for anyone to assume your relationship is one of the ones that will fail (you two are a couple I love to watch because I love how healthy your communication style is, since I've never had a relationship like that :D).
Okay first story. To self identify, I'm a mom of two, biological, went through the pregnancies, all that. And I'm AuDHD with all the hyperfixation goodness. I talk obsessively about the things that I have going on. I'm a weird birb lady and I constantly talk about my birbs. I definitely talked about my pregnancies. But then the question is whether the current hyperfixation is the *only* thing I"ll talk about. It's possible I need reminding, but I certainly can make an effort to be sensitive and talk about other things. I'm a huge nerd and I have lots of nerdy special interests I love to discuss. I'd be surprised if the person in this story didn't have SOMETHING else of interest. But I also think she just forgot, and it's perfectly okay to express that her back is hurting her.
So I guess I have a very gentle "everybody sucks here," even though I feel compassion for everybody in this scenario. Hope OP works things out okay with their apology.
with the last story it's definitely NTA. and the grandma crying a load in front of OP and being like "you won't make up before i die" just feels very emotionally manipulative to me. Like, sorry, but your grandchild's mental health and their choice to not associate with their ABUSER is more important than your wish to have a perfect family unit. There is no comparison. You can feel sad about the fact this reconciliation will likely never happen, but putting it on OP (by crying and bemoaning multiple times) is not acceptable, especially considering what OP has gone through. And I also think it's very easy for grandma to say "your mum's changed" when she presumably wasn't the one facing the abuse. Like... ultimately only OP can determine whether their mother has changed imo and they shouldn't have to do that unless it's something they actually want to do for themselves. I say this in the nicest possible way, F what grandma wants.
With the first story OP said that what set her off was the colleague talking about how her back hurts and her feet are swollen and I think a big factor is how did these complaints come up. Was this small talk or was it her needing a break or needing some help because she was in pain? Cause being tall is not really something you need help with (and therefore need to bring up), but being pregnant absolutely does change how you function and how many accommodations you need
The bit about ordering for someone else ties back to the bougie chicken wings dilemma and I think I finally have an answer: whoever orders food should be prepared to take responsibility for whatever they order. There's also a difference between suggesting what someone else should order (commonly done when the person taking the suggestion is trying a new cuisine that the person making the suggestion is more familiar with) and straight up ordering for them without input from them. So, red flag if it's done without their input, green flag if it's with input or more of a suggestion, and DOUBLE red flag if you do it without input and expect them to pay.
On the pregnant colleague: Speaking as someone who had a "miscarriage" at 5 mos (at the time, medicine wasn't as advanced as it is now, and there was no way to save my daughter, who died in my arms less than 2 mins after she was born), and who has since had a complete hysterectomy due to cancer, as well, I can completely empathize with OP. While I would be happy for a colleague's pregnancy innitially, if they contnued to constantly bring it up around me, after a few months, I would politely tell them that I have trauma around pregnancy and birth, and could she please refrain from constantly refering to it around me. If colleague then ignored me and continued to bring it up around me for months on end, I'm pretty sure I would snap, lose my cool, and tell them off proper, as well. I think the lack of sensitivity by the colleague to the fact that OP has expressed trauma, and asked politely that the colleague refrain from constantly discussing it around OP is the more offensive situation here.
For the Red/Green flag, I'm seeing two completely distinct situations being talked about. For me, it is a Red Flag if someone else is "Ordering FOR you" by choosing what you will eat and not giving you the option to choose what you want. However, it is a Green Flag if they are simply "Ordering on your behalf" by relaying your chosen order to the server for whatever reason (social anxiety, running late, etc), or if they are unable to confirm directly with you on what you want, so they order their best guess on what you would normally get based on previous experience with you.
Wow the one who gifted the watch is such a red flag riddled AH!! I don't think she has any right to be upset that he said he'd do what she wanted and didn't. She was way out of line to make that demand in the first place. She doesn't get to be upset that her attempted manipulation didn't work. I hope he stays away from OP and never settles for being treated like that. I also hope he stays safe from his family
The watch was such a manipulative move for sure! She could have bought any other souvenir that wasn’t something the boyfriend needs to wear and will attract attention.
that story has me fuming, she is so toxic and needs to do some serious growing
To Noa: I am going through something similar, with various family members, both that I have actively chosen to go no contact and some who have simply never really been part of my life. And the most important I remind myself is that no one is EVER entitled to your time, energy or attention. You are not obligated to talk to ANYONE, ever. You do what you need to do to protect your peace. Even if that person is a stranger who’s never wronged you or a person very close to you who has done all the work in the world, changed, healed, whatever that may be. You don’t owe them, or anyone else anything.
If you choose to interact with your mom, do so because you WANT to, and if it’s not right or you choose not to, please do not for a second feel guilty.
It’s a wonderful thing to be forgiving and kind, but remember to be kind to yourself first.
For the lovely peach Noa who sent in their story: I have a saying I live by; everyone deserves a second chance, but not from the people they hurt. If someone hurts you, you have every right to cut them out and never give them another chance even if they decide to change. You can give them a second chance if you want to, but as the victim, you owe them nothing. Everyone deserves a second chance, but not from the people they’ve hurt.
With the first story, i can't bring myself to call op the drama, thinking about the fact that they told their colleague multiple times not even just once before and they've been completely ignored, i honestly wouldn't be surprised if colleague is intentionally rubbing it in their face (not saying they are it would just make sense to me). They were immediately told "hey could you please not talk about this in front of me it's a very sensitive topic" and they've gone out of their way to constantly bring it up ever since when it's not necessary. They could just be excited but still, it's pure inconsideration
I always feel better after watching you guys ❤
Regarding the first story, I've never really understood this concept of not wanting to share one's "medical history" when it's one fact that's totally relevant to the conversation. It seems to be the source of so many failures of communication. Obviously nobody "owes" that information to anyone, but if it's a choice between revealing something personal and allowing someone to keep hurting you because they don't know better, why would you choose to be hurt?
The second story reminds me a lot of my brother and his partner (both high school age)- she has a whole list of things that her parents can’t know until she’s able to support herself, including having a boyfriend, being queer, and not being religious. It could genuinely be dangerous for them to figure all that out right now, and (thanks to COMMUNICATION!) everyone agrees that pretending people are single and using deadnames around their parents is well worth her not getting kicked out of the house.
1:38 "Gawd. Frickin damn it DAVE." 😂
The secret relationship one is soooo rubbing ME the wrong way, because it sounds like there’s a part of OP that enjoys being the center of what she thinks is like the plot of some dramatic romance movie. Like news flash, this is real life, and boyfriend is just a teenager who doesn’t want to be disowned…
For the first one I think the pregnant colleague is the drama. She does not need to know the specific medical history of her coworker to be considerate when asked.
my husband orders for me because I struggle to hear the waiter, but it's still what I want to eat.
Love you Shaaba!!🩷🩷🍑🍑 Love you Jamie!!💛💛🥔🥔
On the topic of pregnancy:
Anyone I saw regularly knew I was pregnant but I never pushed the topic unless someone initiated that conversation. For example if someone asked how I was I’d give a general “I’m okay but kinda tired/bloated/sore” but wouldn’t say “oh pregnancy is awful and I can’t wait to meet the baby and baby is beautiful on the scan etc”. I had friends and family that weren’t quite able to engage in those pregnancy conversations like friends that were dealing with infertility or multiple miscarriages. I had a friend say she still wanted to hear about my baby but another just wasn’t ready beyond a quick “hello I’m 20 weeks and I’m okay”. I always respected that boundary and even let her know in advance of if I was posting online. She unfollowed me for a period and I think that’s perfectly healthy
I'm with my childhood sweetheart. We weren't together all that time (we met when we were 14 and we are 37 now). We always knew we were meant to be together.
Noa - coming from a similar situation, your mum won't change. Sorry to say, but narcissistic people like that don't ever change. You keep being strong. You got this ❤
I'm a fellow trauma survivor Noah, with CPTSD, various mental health and a dissociative disorder. I had to cut my family out (not saying you should do this with your grandma) and it was the best thing I have done for my own wellbeing. You are NOT the drama in any way. Good luck with everything and I hope getting the confirmation that you are not the drama helps you.
I like your explanation of sometimes something is a neutral life experience or a decision, not right or wrong. Reddit can very caught up in the right/wrong narrative. Which is fair since it's AITA but sometimes no, sometimes a hard decision is made and it is what it is.
To the lovely peach Noah: I am an EnBy myself, my family purposely ignores that and deadnames me, so I dont say that to make it about me, I only say it to make you feel not alone. If they dont accept you for the beautiful person that you are and treat you with kindness, respect, and love, you don't owe anyone anything, and please, please know you are not alone. I, a stranger on the "internets," am proud of you for sharing your story because so many of us have similar experiences and don't have the voice to speak up. You are not, nor have you ever been, the drama. It is also a very unkind manipulative thing that your gran said about makint peace before she dies. That is not your burden to carry. She should be telling your mom to work on herself, not you. I send you all the hugs and love. From your friendly neighborhood EnBy strangers on the youtubes, Kati
Good episode as always 👏 some people really need to sit and talk it solves alot
I strongly feel the OP in the first story is entirely in the wrong - regardless of the circumstances, telling someone at work to STFU is completely unacceptable. It’s created a hostile work environment, as demonstrated by the crying and the leaving, and without an HR paper trail, the first time office leadership would have heard about the whole thing is the coworker approaching them, probably in tears, to ask if she can go home. That is a Serious Conversation with the boss at the very least. The best route would have been going to HR and asking to switch office mates when OP realized the pregnancy talk wasn’t going to stop.
Always Love some Jamie & Shaaba fishing!🎉❤
That first one with the pregnant co-worker I have some feelings on. On the one hand, I understand that having a difficult time with a subject or being triggered by a subject is hard. And that having to listen to someone talk about anything a lot can be annoying, and can be especially hard if it is something you're sensitive to or triggered by. And it has to be really frustrating to have tried to assert your boundary and feel like it has been crossed.
But also, given the example here (feet hurting and back hurting), it's not very clear that this person has been really stepping over OP's boundaries, at least willfully. Like it's possible they took the asking to stop talking about the pregnancy as a sign to stop talking about the baby specifically, and that their symptoms and such were not an issue. Or it's possible they forgot because of the whole, you know, being pregnant thing. Haven't been pregnant myself, but I have to imagine that kind of takes up a lot of your bandwidth and thoughts, especially if it's been difficult or if it's your first child or any number of things.
Not to mention that if a co-worker were to tell me to "shut the fuck up" about ANYTHING, yeah, I would be in tears, and go home, and probably quit. That just is not in any way, shape, or form the way to handle that. And I want to be understanding because regardless of how much "sense" it makes, clearly the OP has been feeling really bad and this has been building up, so I don't want to judge them too harshly based on one emotional outburst. But I also don't want to judge the co-worker for talking about a big part of their life at the moment, something that will literally change the rest of their entire life.
Also I don't think that just being annoying warrants being called an asshole. People are sometimes just annoying, and that's okay. Everyone is annoying sometimes and we just kind of have to deal with that in order to have fulfilling relationships I think. Being annoying isn't a sin.
Pregnancy is a big thing, and I kinda think if OP reacts to it this strongly, they might want to seek some sort of help with dealing with it, because odds are people closer to them than their co-worker are going to be pregnant at some point, and they will have to hear about it, because that's just sort of what you do for friends/family/etc. It's not really reasonable to expect to never have to hear about pregnancy over extended periods of time, even with the caveat of it being a sensitive subject for you. This isn't to say that it's a bad thing to have complex feelings about it or to just "get over it" but a genuine like, quality of life thing. It's not a subject that you can easily escape, so it's likely going to be better for OP in the long run to deal with this personal issue with it with help from professionals, than to blow up at people for talking about it "too much," whatever that means to them. Especially because at least here in the US, pregnancy is a protected class, and discrimination based on that is grounds for discipline or potential firing.
My husband and I got together when I was 18 and he was 19, and I was 19 on the cusp of 20, and he was 21 when we got married...24 years ago. Sometimes you just know.
Regarding the 1st one: yes, OP was unprofessional in how they handled things. However, I think pregnant colleague was also being unprofessional, bringing up her pregnancy/baby all the time. Work is for work conversations. Yes, I realize almost everyone chit-chats with co-workers, but if someone requests you not speak about *topic*, then you stop. Full stop.
a very work focused episode for my first day at my new job:0
For the first one I would give NTA instead, because OP established a clear boundary several times before flipping out. Said boundary has been ignored by OP's colleague, sure what she did did'nt warrant such an extreme reaction but we can understand why OP was upset. And I think she is allowed to be angry that her colleague ignores the boundary she set as much as OP's colleague is allowed to be exited by her pregnancy.
Story 1: YTA. I am so sympathetic that she doesn’t want to hear about it all the time but it’s never ok to yell or swear at colleagues. It’s just not ok and I’m feeling for the manager of these people because the tension will be palpable now.
For the first story: OP should not have blown up like that and said the things they said, but it is also totally understandable why they did. If my colleague told me that a certain subject is a sensitive one for them I would respect that. Because they can't exactly avoid me. Boundaries are there for a reason. OP set the boundary and it was ignored. And they reacted accordingly. They really could have adressed it more firmly but professionally before exploding. But the coworker was very rude and insensitive. I agree on the badge but i disagree with most of the forum. Nobody has to be happy for someone else. If you’re hurt that is totally valid and should be respected
Boundaries are how we act in response to a situation (person a does something I'm uncomfortable with and as a result I'm going to walk away/not going to engage with them anymore), not to control what other people do
@@Whirlbee I think that principle works when it is a situation, where you can walk away, but you can't really walk away from your workplace. Since it is primarily a working situation, not a voluntary social situation, people should be more mindful of other people, especially when asked something directly.
@@soundlessbee sure, but that's still the definition of what a boundary is
American here! Here in the US, we actually say, "rubs me the wrong way" instead of "rubs me up the wrong way." I've never heard another American say it with the "up" added in. It means the same thing. Also, we do commonly say "cuss out."
Ordering food for me is never a good thing. I never know what I want until I look over the menu and my stomach decides. 😂
Story one: she TOLD her it was a sensitive topic and asked her to quit talking about it. She chose to keep going there. I think op should apologize for being that rude, but she's nta. And she can't avoid her since they share an office space. When someone around me incessantly talks about something, I just say "I have ADHD and your constant chatter is really distracting. Can you stop?"
Story 2: ESH. He shouldn't have lied to her. But her thinking the expensive watch was a reason to demand how he raised this to his parents is really manipulative. But at 17 to 19, a person should be telling their parents if they aren't as locked into their religious beliefs. They have the right to make that choice. Parents need to get over it.
I'm hesitant on the first one because the only example given is how the woman is feeling physically that day. OP tells us she only stopped for a day, but that's really not illustrated for us in the story. While yes, the foot soreness is related to the pregnancy, it's also an answer to "how are you today?"
Using Jamie's metaphor of tall people: Talking about how you knew it was raining is definitely an ESH, but offhandedly mentioning you're feeling sore after riding in a cramped car is a YTD. Especially if you didn't say it was because of the cramped car.
The grandma in the last story is the drama, pulling the 'do this before I die' card is automatically a shitty move because not only is it manipulative but it shows that they don't actually care for the wellbeing for the person who was wronged/traumatized. They simply want them to return to the status quo so they don't have to admit that there is a problem.
Last story: Noa: NTD
Noa's mother: The ABSOLUTE Drama!!!
Noa's gran: Quite the drama, & she needs to learn that just because somebody is blood-related, doesn't mean abuse is excused. Noa is safest away from her mother, so that's where she should stay, gran's ailing health or no.
The watch one gives me bad vibes. I feel like she bought the watch as kind of blackmail to force him to tell his family. It's also kind of like like in the vein of like financial abuse. Plus, she basically admitted to verbally abusing him.
Yeah that's what I was thinking too. That poor boyfriend
Another lovely episode 💙
1st Story, I think YTA: I get how the situation was really hard for OP. She made a request that her colleague stops talking about the pregnancy, which is a fair request to make. We don't know if the colleague accepted her request or not. OP let resentment build over a period of time and then the resulting outburst was totally unprofessional and very mean. Had OP maybe communicated her feelings better/sooner, or held her own boundary and moved away from her pregnant colleague, then the outburst could have been avoided.
The pregnant colleague was just existing as a pregnant woman. It's a pretty big change and I can see why it was a frequent topic of conversation. She wasn't really doing anything wrong. I think if you want someone to stop doing something, you can make a request, but ultimately if they don't accept, then it's your boundaries to protect, and personally I wouldn't go around verbally abusing someone just because I'm feeling a big emotion about something. I hope I would find a more healthy way to resolve.
Being neurodivergent I found I got along with people on Twitter better when I would preface knowing someone with: "I am a fixer. If you just need me to hold your hand while you blow off steam tell me. Otherwise I will automatically try to help."
Story 1: OP asked multiple times. She deserves to be rude at for constantly stepping over boundaries NTA / NTD (but also OP shouldn't have as it's a work they may still have consequences justified freak out or not)
5:02 if it was just about her talking it too much, I’d say “YTA”, but the coworker knew it was a sensitive subject and said it anyway, so I think the coworker was the AH
For the ordering, I always ask my husband to order for me because I have memory problems so I often forget an important instruction. But when alone I suprise people that I can in fact order and have discussions with people but it is quite taxing on my autistic mind. This being said, without asking I hate people ordering for me, I am quite picky and particular.
1st-- esh small yta, since OP plans to apologize and has reason to snap. Would suggest a little more context on her reaction if she's ok with it. I don't think the pregnant woman is an ah since she didn't know context and her hormones are all over the place.
OP snapped at a pregnant woman. With hormones, the girl was bound to be emotional. She also reacted to something that wasn't strictly speaking "pregnancy talk." If the woman actually said, "my back hurts and my feet are swollen" is that pregnancy talk and is it positive pregnancy talk? If she was talking about her anticipation and prep for the baby, baby names, etc., i could certainly understand it. Was this taken as an indirect brag, and/or was meant as such?
Also, it sounds like a lot of this is jealousy and built up resentment. It seems that the severity of the problem with the pregnancy talk might not have been communicated strongly enough. I don't think pregnant woman was being deliberately mean.
I agree with the ESH verdict for the first one, but it should have been handled so differently.
After pregnant colleague was asked to not talk about it so much but continued, the issue should have been taken to a manager, preferably with the other colleagues who found it problematic.
The manager should then have been the one to raise it with the pregnant colleague to perhaps only share with people who have directly asked about the pregnancy and keep all other conversations professional in this professional setting.
If pregnant person then continued, steps could be taken for creating a hostile work environment.