I stopped talking to my Dad 10 plus years ago. I have a son of my own now. A large part of my professional work and my entire personal pursuit has been to be more vulnerable in a public manner. As society continues to progress and we fight less wars. The only way to go forward is for men to raise emotionally healthy men. I'm so grateful for Nathaniel, his father, and to you the viewer as you scroll through these comments. We aren't alone, the world needs up, keep going and keep being vulnerable it is anything but weakness.
that's good work with your son. the only way we can shift these toxic norms is by raising our kids different and changing it ourselves. hard to be emotionally healthy these days at all, it seems. but definitely boys need role models who don't shut out emotion as if it's deranged. vulnerability is just a way of being honest and allowing yourself to be part of a community that can ask for and give support. better more fulfilling rships, too. thanks for doing this.
It’s kinda sad that you had to cut off your relationship with your dad. It’s great that your working on your relationship with your son, it would be amazing if that could be possible with your father, but i don’t know how your relationship is with your father. I would be great to also be vulnerable in your personal life as you have said your personal pursuit is to be vulnerable in a public manner. Practicing what you preach would suit this situation very well.
Y'know, the more I think about it the less crazy it sounds but here goes. My dad is the opposite case for me. My dad is actually the more emotional one in regards to my parent's marriage. My mom is a little more on the cold side but tender hearted all the same. My dad used to be a rough guy but my mom actually melted this guy's heart. Bounced for a strip club, gotten into multiple fights throughout his life though he always made sure that he never started them because he didn't really want to ever actually fight. He just never backed down against shitty people. Long story short, my dad would go on to serve his community by putting on a uniform and he would inspire me to do the same though to another level. The reason I even remotely followed in his foot steps was what he told me when I was a kid. "You have to be strong so you can defend others who can't defend themselves." Honestly, it felt like a line out of a movie. (Probably was knowing him) His love for me and my family has always been on full display because he brims with pride when we make jumps in life or achieve things we've worked hard at. He inspired me to protect others. I did 7 years with the military and worked within the addiction treatment field for a time all because I just wanted to help others. He really just taught me to love others and to always be kind and to leave the world a better place than I found it.
It’s very fascinating and also scary when you become an adult and begin to see your parents in a whole different light. And that your parents begin to be more open and vulnerable with you. I remember my mom bawling when her mother died in my early twenties and I had never seen my mom cry before. To me she was this incredibly courageous and always happy person. But that was the first time I saw my mom just like everyone else, with real emotions and flaws. That was pretty earth shattering, to see her be vulnerable and to see her struggle like that. But as I’ve learned more and more about her while being an adult, I can now actually understand her and her life in a more meaningful way which has really brought us closer together.
They day you realise your parents are regular human beings too is the most humbling and scary moment. Because suddenly you see them for what they are, and their imperfections, and not just as the people who raised you.
@@skylarsa its very interesting to me to read that other people didn't already see their parents as regular flawed people with problems since children, i honestly don't ever remember idealizing them, maybe because they were very dysfunctional so it was always clear to me they were flawed even when i was little
Lately feeling the urge to just lay my cards out on the table. To be more vulnerable, and express myself more fully. Whoever stays stays and let whoever goes go.
Do it Tommy, it's incredibly liberating and opens your eyes up to what people are truly honest around you. I've done nothing but benefit from this change in my life
It really is good to do that. Having support is everything. The problem is the 3rd type of people - the ones who stays, but rather than by your side, they take what they know about you and turn it against you. Your weaknesses aren't just bad and sad things to be acknowledged and treated and improved, these things are now used as a weapon. And the sad part is that those people were actually amongst the closest ones you had, like those who stay holding your hand. That can be a parent, a sibling, a SO, a long time friend, etc. People who were there to help you suddenly mocking you and spreading stuff about you and betraying you. That hurts a lot when it happens. You were trying, you were willing to change, to grow, to heal, and then you're stabbed on your back. That makes a man never want to open up and trust people again, ever. You may heal eventually and move on, but the blow is hard to take. I really hope you can open up and let healing come. Take your time, be patient to yourself, but choose carefully who is at your side. You'll be fine, internet stranger. You'll be fine.
you're very special Nathaniel. I love the fact that you're even thinking about this and are vulnerable enough to discuss these issues. I genuinely wish there were more men like you.
I have a group of male mates who compliment eachother and rejoice in each other's success kind of like a coalition. But each of us are the type of people who don't really care what people think.
I’m lucky enough to have the same, it’s great. We shit talk each other too but it’s all understood to be jokes. At the end of the day we all have each others backs and support each others successes
Nathaniel, man, you're really in top form right now with your filmmaking and storytelling. Loving the recent videos. Keep crushing it. From a longtime viewer.
7:30 It’s very interesting to see that men feel like they can’t openly express through crying unless the situation is intense in the moment or traumatic/ shameful. Many times I felt the strong urge to cry for the men in my life when they couldn’t. I’m happy to see how that circumstance still touches your father’s heart and compels him to take it and grow forward from it. Although i can see clear personality differences, I understand how much love is between you both.
I feel the exact same way as you Nathaniel in groups of men. About the teasing and always acting in control, calm, and unemotional. Super important topic. I've had many vulnerable conversations with my dad as an adult that I never had as a kid. It is really tough to do but it has made us grow closer and understand each other's needs. I've seen sides of my dad I didn't know existed at times.
As a woman who has complicated relationships with women, i really appreciate this video. I always wished as a woman we could just support, and champion each other… unfortunately that comes with a lot of competition, envy and pettiness and doesn’t always pan out how you expect it to… thanks to social media, these kinds of relationships have been sabotaged even more… i now prefer my own company to anything… but i wonder for how long is this kind of lifestyle sustainable..
Awful to read that your solution is to be by yourself because you kind find anyone with good enough values to be a supportive friend. Know that good people are out there and that you just need to find them. You have just, it seems likely, been looking in the wrong places, or you aren’t recognising the people who are going to be supportive. Or your expectations of support are excessive and unreasonable. But a very healthy amount of support and care is definitely out there. Do not give up
My sister recently just stopped talking to all of her friends. These were 20 year relationship, she only works and stay in her room. I asked her tf happened and she told me when she needed them the MOST, they didn't even call. They didn't even check in, let alone SHOW UP! I have friends i can call at 3a.m. and say something is wrong, come grab me and they will. They have in the past and I would do the same for them. I honestly would encourage you to be friends with more men, release this misandry you've been taught by modern day media because it is a lie. I had female friends (they're now married so i don't see them as much) and none of us guys tried to sleep with them, we were so close. That shows you right there, men's relationships are eternal, women's relationships are just situational. If things change, they're out. Please don't close yourself off, find good dudes you can be friends with, communicate it from the beginning.
You may be one of a kind like myself. It’s not only that women bring those insecurities to the friendship but these women can’t feed you in any aspect, emotionally, spiritually, etc. Otherwise, you’d settle. But you won’t. You are enough, and that’s very unique that you haven’t settled for less than what you are worth it just to not be a loner. I personally became a loner for the stress that betrayal was bringing to my life. I do have relationships but I chose when I want to meet and I’m not that very invested. If I see there’s potential in those relationships, I’m willing to go the extra mile. But now they better prove to be that worthy. Otherwise, I’m good just for socializing, sharing our country’s food and culture and then off I go till I feel like repeating. But I’d rather give me all the time to do the things I enjoy and learn things my relationships aren’t interested in. That requires a lot of personality. And because of that, you don’t even care about those opinionated about your choices and making up conclusions. I appreciate your comment. I know there are more like us out there, lots actually.
This is always happening unfortunately but you can find good female people. Yeah, I have a few but I have them and they add value to my life because it took time to find them. But you will, you just have to wait and get to know other people.
Well now I’m crying. It’s so beautiful to have a father that can express his feelings and acknowledge what he can and cannot do. Please know that you have a wonderful father; his willing to go to therapy has obviously helped him to grow. I wish you both the absolute best.
I'm a gay man. While I do still feel the pressure from society to "be a man", I feel like straight men have it a lot harder in this regard. By default, us gay men don't already fit into this rigid definition of masculinity (being physically/mentally strong, unemotional... and straight), and in order to live openly as a gay man, a certain amount of not caring what people think of us is already a prerequisite, so we have the freedom to be "unmanly" and free ourselves from that rigid definition of masculinity. It's funny, my straight brothers and straight male friends have told me they fear being emotionally vulnerable with their partners because they don't want to be seen as unmanly, and that they rarely express themselves openly with their guy friends. It must be tiring (and so limiting and lonely) to only have that opportunity in the world of sports. It's never unmanly to have emotions, talk about them openly, and experience them fully. Give yourself the permission to do those things, and you might be surprised by the respect (instead of ridicule) you will get from other men.
It is my personal belief that one of the reasons why women and gay men receive so much hate from straight men is for the exact reasons you described. We are supposed to hate anything feminine in a patriachy and we dont play by these rules. They hate us for it. Instead of hating the system who made up all these rules. It is incredibly sad that these men cant feel the full spectrum of their humanity. It really needs to change.
Yes and no. Some gay men overcompensate their being innately gay/different by acting "more a man" than their straight counterparts. Toxic masculinity still affects everyone.
When your dad broke down, I did too 😭 I was a single mom for many years & my son had no real male role model. There were things I just couldn’t teach him about being a man. I know the feeling well of being a disappointment to my children & it sucks to lose the respect of people you love & takes much longer to gain it back than it did to lose it. I’m glad to see you & your dad’s relationship grow!
Cher Nathaniel, I’ve been following you for quite a while, and I haven’t left many comments, but this time I had to tell you that this is one of your best videos! I’ve been truly moved by your father’s genuine reaction. As a father of a 5 yo daughter, your father’s reaction, and yours, made me think about my present and future relationship with her. Thanks for sharing this!
This was so beautiful and insightful. I saw the other video, between yourself and your father, yesterday, and I was filled with some sudden understanding and insights about the men in my life. I really felt much respect for you both, too. But this video made me cry a little at the end, because it is so honest and heartfelt. 💖
Holy S#%T! How did this video show up on my YT feed? It’s exactly what I needed to see and hear. I am back in the US after being away for more than 20 years and I’m finding myself feeling withdrawn and isolated as I try to re-adapt to this culture of toxic masculinity. I had forgotten what that felt like living in Asia. Thank you for sharing your journey. I don’t feel so alone anymore.
I am a woman, having a difficult relationship with my mother. In arts, psychology I read a lot abot relationship with parents, but I feel like a lot of books exploring the topic are only focused on one side of the trauma, of the trauma sometimes caused by parents. I am ready now to explore the topic further tho. In one book I read "in your teenage years, you start to realise your parents are also human, from your twenties you start your journey of accepting them and seeing them from a different angle". I know now very well, how sometimes manipulation works, I want to see genuine ways how this conflict can be resolved. There is a conflict in me also, because I love my mother, but hate her for one side of her, and what she has done to me or said to me. I wonder if we'll ever be able to resolve our countless, unsaid confrontations. Sometimes we also ignored these confrontanions, because we didn't understand ourselves and neither the other, nonetheless did we know how to communicate it towards the other person. It is not just like "you did something" and "I felt this way". It is a deep picture of my mother, how I wanted to be her like, how I wanted her to love me. And it didnt shed to pieces. Becasue it is still with me: 1. how I want to see my mother 2. How I want to connect with her 3. How she did behaved with me the way it hurt me 4. How I still love her because she is my mother and becasue she loves me too. This video showed me a genuine expression of saying sorry from your father, but in a way that had a deeper layer, because he said he realised he he was also "failing" in a sense, while also having to let go of an idea of himself of "being special". He didn't "belittle himself", he said "its okay to fail". I dont think my mother would ever be able to forgive herself. So we just swallow our conflicts and try to forget. There are also your eyes. Your eyes caught me, because you looked at your father the way I want to look at my mother. There was honesty about the situation. There was reckoning. But there was openness. COURAGE of standing by your feelings of loosing respect for him. Not changing your mind and saying 'it wasnt so bad' when he admitted his mistakes. But still giving him freedom to react, and giving him love. Thank you for this video.
Danke für diesen persönlichen Einblick. Das Video hat mich sehr berührt. Ich habe meinen Vater einmal weinen sehen, das ist nun 26 Jahre her. So offen über meine Gefühle zu sprechen, das ist etwas, woran ich noch arbeiten möchte.
Thank you for this. It's hard to over state how emotionally unavailable male friendships often are and how painful that is (many times, pain that is left unconscious). I remember feeling this shift in 6th grade where the boys went from warm and playful to cold and posturing from one year (and school) to the next. I've recently realized there is a DEEP well of loneliness and sadness that began filling from that exact point. A part of me that was shamed into hiding and is begging to be 'aloud' back. Maybe the saddest part of of this process has been when that exiled part has found a way to come up out of the deep subconscious, one of the first questions he asks is "I'm here now but where are the other emotionally available men? where is my community?"
Great Episode…. My daughter and I have the exact relationship. We travel together so much and I love it! But I’m still supposed to take care of her and when I lose control, I go into survival mode and forget she is 30 and actually knows as much but more about how to do things! Traveling forces you to have cultural shifts and we need to learn more! Love this episode! Thank you
The image at 1.08 is a photo from the 1989 Hillsborough disaster. I presume it wasn't intentional to include that image, but in the context it's used in this video, people were fighting for their lives as opposed to be being emotional about sports.
I love your dad. I love his ability to be so transparent and vulnerable. I watch his channel too. I love his content and the evidence of the time he takes to pull it together. He’s eloquent and articulate and has such a great speaking voice. And I love that the two of you are so self aware of your relationship. And you hugging and kissing him in that moment. I’d give an appendage to have done the same to my dad before he left this earth but he was a guy who never shed that veneer. Sigh.
I cant do anything but love all ur vids, there honestly perfect, the editing, music, etc. It’s bc your genuine and share your opinion and provide knowledge and it’s so much better than everyone else. Much love.
since I was a teenager I remember myself watching your videos, that's how I learned English. and that's how I found a lot of incredible things for my life. I'm a real fan. saludos desde colombia. 🤍🇨🇴
Just another multi-year subscriber commenting that this is probably my favorite video of yours I’ve ever seen, the relationship with your dad and how honestly you talk with him about a hard time is powerful and captivating to watch.
As a gay man who was married to a lovely woman for 13 years and trying so hard to be straight, fit into a straight oriented world - thank you for this video. I began following you when you conducted the interview with your grandmother speaking five languages. Have watched nearly all your videos - what a range. Thank you for opening up life on so many levels.
How do you marry a woman for 13 years as a gay man? Did you not have intercourse much or did you have intercourse and it was not something you ever enjoyed? I'm very curious
I feel bad for ur ex spouse, imagine marrying someone and be together for 13 years just to find out they are gay. Dont play with a woman's feelings just to please society.
@@maursz We loved each other very much. In no way were feelings played with. Sexuality is complex. Some don’t understand. Look at the ignorance of some politicians today in dealing with transgendered issues. There are people who see things very black and white - no gray areas. That often turns problematic in seeing humanity in the world. Republicans in the US. The “we are right” attitude of the Russian leadership. Judgmental.
Bro, just watched this video. The moment you shared of your dad showing emotion was powerful. The way you embraced him in that moment was great. Thanks for you willingness to share.
Nathaniel, your videos are simply a true art! You inspire me so much. Thank you. You know how to tell the story! The relationship you have with your dad is special....but as you said, it wouldn't happen if not for the internal work on both of your sides... I wish for you and your dad the best years ahead! Greetings 👋
Your articulation + filming style has drawn out inspiration in me that I was searching for. I hope to see more content on this topic that could help me help other men.
Love the depth of your reflections and how you weave this with your childhood memories, that turned the kind of man you are now. Yeah the world cups, as a sudaca I watched the last one crying and jumping at the same time what a historical moment. La familia values love and tradition transpires in all your vids. Please keep up the good work as a wonderful young man you are. Que Dios me lo bendiga.
It's really great that you were able to see your father as the person that he is rather than just as a dad, that you thought you knew. Regarding vulnerability among men, we are cultured from an early age to appear strong for several reasons. I think at the most basic level, it's all about survival. When our peers see us as strong, and they know, we are a good ally personally, and socially. When we can embody strength, we know we can withstand the buffering we receive from others and that's good for our own survival. Unfortunately there is also an element of homophobia between men. Well part of that can be due to social rules and morality, there's a large element of fear of being rejected for being in any way, connected to homosexuality or femininity in others, or identified that way one's self because of a fear of rejection and threat to survival that just feeds on its self. As our society is currently shifting more and more towards acceptance of LGBTQ people and more and more are coming out about their actual gender and orientation, there is a second coming out and that is, among all the straight people who really don't care who you love or what you like sexually. And yet we still have the legacy fear of rejection, fear of being seen, as weak or feminine, and ultimately, the fear of being cut off, ostracized, helpless, friendless, and at risk for our own survival. We all need to expand our idea of what real strength is for genuine manhood, which can involve a spectrum of emotion and expression. Real strength isn't in manliness or womanliness. It's a matter of character, confidence, self-respect and self-definition.
Really interesting topic, Nathaniel. I grew up with a group of 8 guys since elementary school. We're still hanging together and make it a point to see each other at least twice per year. These guys all have different personalities. Some are vulnerable and emotional. Others have more of the traditional manly traits. I peronally like to keep an open mind about these things. There's a lot of nuance in male behavior. I definitely respect my more emotional friends and we all have this uplifting atmosphere among us in this guy group of friends. At the same time, they also respect me as more of a stoic peronality. I simply don't feel the same intensity of emotion as they do. And that's ok too. So let's keep an open mind in all directions. Either way, ego should take a back seat.
At 7:22, I can totally understand your dad's emotion. He mentioned not wanting to look like a fool, but part of it, I think, is that his identity and that of many men is to always delivering whether for their family, work or society. There is pressure to be dependable because the inability to do so can significantly impact the lives of others especially family. It becomes part of one's identity, and looking like a fool in your son's eyes (Nathaniel) is just about the worst thing that could happen in his mind. You never want to appear incompetent, especially to your own children. Your dynamic with each other has and will continue to shift from father/child to that of equals. I think that's the best dynamic any parent could hope for.
Incredible video on such an important topic. I love how you tackled it and developed it. Our chat was not easy but we were ready for it after many years of processing. Although that experience is still difficult to address, it is refreshing to know that we can talk about it so freely and be able to reflect on all the good it has done for our relationship. You simply never know how a dark period in your life can eventually unfold and the many gifts it can yield... if you're willing to put in the hard work. Yay for the two of us. ❤
Thank you Nathaniel. I feel as though I haven't fit into the "masculine" stereotype as a man and that's been a point of shame for me. Watching this gives me a sense of relief that we can, as men, have close intimate relationships with other men. Amazing content
Geezus - I love your dad. I may have missed out on forming a strong connection with my father as I always rejected sports in my youth - especially those shown on TV. I loved seeing how you comforted your father too - what a beautiful relationship you two have. Also, he's got excellent genes!
As a queer man, I've been surrounded mainly by women (family and friends) for most of my life. Some years ago, I started hanging out with straight men more often and I still don't understand them completely. My male friends tease me and I began to do it too. However, I don't want to open up to them because I know they won't understand me. I know because I've done it before. I'm a very emotional guy but since I've also felt the pressure to "be a man" I ignore my feelings. Sometimes even women don't understand me because they want me to "be a man". Things are changing, fortunately. I wish straight guys good luck because I pretended to be straight for many years and I know it's not that easy.
I couldn't love and respect two men that I don't know more than I do you and your father. I have only meet and spent time with the online versions of you two, but admire your growth,I admire your journey.
I was just watching the conversation with your dad, a few videos on your travel to other countries, and some of languages- you’re awesome :) I love watching these
Beautiful Video. I've struggled with my relationship with masculinity due to my relationship with my father. Seeing yours be emotional and you giving him a kiss on the forehead is very touching. I hope I can have this sort of relationship with my son one day.
As a 23yo guy I appreciate these type of videos. Growing up I never felt man enough and I always find it extremely hard to be open and vulnerable in front of others, even though I've always been a very sensitive guy. But I got tired of trying to be a man I wasn't tired to be tough and manly and unemotional, little by little I embrace myself and I opened up to my male friends and other men around me. I'm now able to be vulnerable and emotional but it's been a long and hard process. Last week I gave a speech in class about my story with suicide and masculinity, I was capable of being vulnerable and I invited the men in my class to be vulnerable too. I love the podcast episode with your dad, I listened it while I was running a few days ago. I highly recommend to every guy out there the book 'Man Enough'by Justin Baldoni, literally (yes, literally) life changing for me! Much love guys! 💙
The sports part is so relatable. There is no place where I feel my friends open up more than at the gym or the football pitch. It's when we hit our personal record. When we score a goal. When we don't have enough energy. Sports is truly a discipline that brings out true manliness. I do have a few man-to-man relationships in which I do have the space to be vulnerable and show my true self. Most however are exactly what you said: teasing and pushing around. I like that. But it's also truly important to be able to open up and be comfortable about your problems and weaknesses. I found that actually going through struggles together, facing problems that affect us all (my friends and myself) is what made us so open-minded.
@@loadishstone why does everything have to be intellectual? Sports for a lot of guys not only bring them together but teach a lot of life lessons that will take you much further in life than any intellectual pursuit ever could. Sport’s honestly is one of the biggest metaphors for life. It’s very similar to the caveman working hard with their tribe towards a goal
This video really helped me. I have a group of friends who really hold onto this 'manly' structure but we really started to connect when we talked about our issues, we all broke down, cried, and laughed about it afterwards but it didn't make any of us lesser because that's what true men are, stronger together
I read Brene Brown's Daring Greatly and it helped me a lot so glad you are addressing this topic of vulnerability in such a personal and courageous way
Thank you for sharing your personal and beautiful story with your dad. Parents and children have a very complex relationship that has it ups and downs, which you both navigate it amazingly. Keep pushing through the bad, welcome the good. And always remember we are all human who love each other.
Realizing that your parents are humans with flaws just like anyone else is a milestone of your 20s. Thank you for sharing how this experience was brought up for you. I'm sure many of us can relate. We should embrace our fathers as humans instead of hiding the truth and setting ridiculous standards for ourselves, our fathers, and our sons.
I have had these conversations with my son, always very emotional. Admitting mistakes and acknowledging areas of improvement are strategies to start healthy relationships with your loved ones. Thanks for sharing such a private story! ❤
BRAVO!!! Retired psychotherapist here. Bravo! Vulnerability and authenticity are so key to having health relationships. All relationships require these two things. We must be brave enough to have conversations that are uncomfortable. If we want to change, we must move in the direction that we want to go, and walk through that discomfort in order to forge a new path to wellness. Bravo!
As a gay man, I too have experienced complicated relationships with men. I wasn't that close with my dad until my mom died suddenly and our own shared mourning pushed us closer together and we became good friends. Next, I began running full marathons and completed the Boston Marathon a few times and that brought my dad and me even closer. I was surprised by the number of men who were suddenly in awe of me and almost worshipful as I became a very strong long-distance runner. I then realized that there is still a primal side to the male brain that wants to be around physically strong men because they will be able to protect from adversaries, provide food, shelter and inspire others to do the same, which means life will go on. I think we men are very simple, primal beings in some ways. Most of us are deeply satisfied when we have ample food, shelter, work, sleep, play and sex.
Dude! Your conversation with your dad was truly inspiring. It takes immense courage and personal growth to have such introspective discussions with someone as close as a father. I deeply admire you for displaying this bravery, as well as for sharing it with the world on the internet. It's genuinely commendable. The phenomenon of perceiving a father or parent as a "superhero" is a widely debated topic in the realm of psychodynamic theories. Heinz Kohut extensively discussed the concept of the "Idealizing self-object" - our innate inclination to idolize and admire others to develop a sense of self and experience a sense of safety and protection. When this idealization of our parents gradually diminishes, it allows the child to learn how to cultivate their own feelings of security and serenity, independent of relying on others. (These ideas are based on Kohut's theory, "The Psychology of the Self," for reference.) I believe Kohut's theory resonates strongly with your situation, and I recommend delving into it further if this is a new concept for you. Thank you so much for creating such stunning and mesmerizing videos. I eagerly anticipate everything you have in store for the future. I will definitely be watching more of your incredible work. Stay happy and fulfilled! ♥
What a beautiful episode with real/unscripted emotions. And useful to me too, as It shed light on a few bits that resonated with the tremulous relationship I had with my dad, even though he passed years ago. Bravo. And I'm so happy for you both.
I love the shots in the barbershop. It’s really the only time in everyday life where men become vulnerable to other men. there’s this man who has a tool to cut my hair, he can get near me, touch my head, tell me where to look. But that’s it. No other scenario in life will that happen. Love the thoughts behind the B-Rolls Love it dude. Thank you
I love this. Being in touch with your emotions is such a wonderful thing many people (especially men I think) are missing out of. But it's super important to grow and live a happy healthy life
wow, that video brought me a lot of emotions I m usually not a sensitive man but your work, your story is just reminding me so much about my own relationship with my dad and my feelings about being a man thanks
I think this is a journey, that if they are lucky, many young men go through; and it is so beautiful. To knock down the ego and find the self through experience and exploration is a road worth travelling. We build clay idols, but when we find the grain of sand within their make up we understand what it is to be a giant amongst men.
Early men worked together to form the foundation of their society. Today men are isolated, alone, and have difficulty connecting with their brethren in any meaningful way.
You're romanticising the past and glossing over the fact that the foundation of society is classism. a handful decide what is right and masses are usually oppressed into supporting and building
@Gomeze While that's a fair assessment (of civilizational history), it does neglect the sense of community shared by even lower classes of particular periods. In Medieval Europe, one basically knew their lot in life. They were likely a part of a trades guild and were bound to a distinct iteration of Christianity and its associated lifestyle. What was needed was made, and not with gross financial excess as the motivator. The relative freedom generated by budding capitalism and protestantism severed ties that gave men a sense of place and purpose. All engagements became competitive and in service to a market economy. Friendship was networking. We became servants to wealth, rather than the opposite. Control, dominance, and submission have been ubiquitous throughout time. But their flavors and pyschosocial outcomes certainly morph with the era and those changes are worthy of discussion. We definitely don't want to romanticize what came before us, but we also shouldn't write it off as pure subjugation.
Congratulations to the both of for being open, honest & vulnerable. This is what everyone needs to do in order to grow, establish foundations & develop solid relationships.
I'm glad I watched today's episode, as I couldn't finish the conversation you had with your father yesterday. It hit a nerve, and I recoiled into myself as a parent who isn't perfect. I'm glad you two did the work - and I'm glad I'm no longer angry with you for being so harsh with your father. Again, I couldn't watch the whole conversation. I think I'll share this with my son...
I believe this proves that all those years of men surpressing their emotions throughout history has come to light, and it's more visible now more than ever. I'm glad there are men who are finally accepting their emotions and going to therapy to get a deeper understanding of themselves. These small steps can really be crucial in maintaining a relationship between a son and father, but also between friends
Thank god I'm Somali! thank you lord. We have nothing you've mentioned. We are like brothers, truly brothers, we can vulnerable, we can show emotions and we can incredibly competitive while pushing one another. And the biggest component of our friendship I don't see in many men's circles these days, LOYALTY.
I'm a Somali girl and I can confirm. My father 's childhood friend is still his best friend. They were children in pre-civil war somalia. Now, they are men with careers and families. Also, I remember there was this time during the Olympics where two Somali men competing for different teams ended up winning first and second place
This touched me so deeply as an individual who has struggled for a lifetime to connect with his father where things seem to become worse and worse with communication. The fact that you were able to have that conversation with yours is everything. All I have ever wanted was to be able to connect with mine. He’s hopped up on pharmaceuticals and comes from a line of stoic men who have zero emotional intellect. It’s our generation who is here to break the intergenerational trauma of toxicity and stigma against the demonstration emotion and sensitivity.
It's so weird that us (LGBTQIA+ folks and women) have been openly talking and being vulnerable for years now, in both real world and social media, and this is (I guess) the first time I come across content of a dude expressing himself about the lack of vulnerability among men. I can't help but wonder how does men cope living this way. The only thing that is not surprising though, is that this video is coming from a beautiful person like you Nathaniel, great job!
Lots of men are just fine, it's just some "masculine" groups who think stoicism is hating on your boys for crying. I don't have a hard time crying because of masculinity, I have a hard time crying because I grew up getting the very clear message that noone cared. If anything hanging with the boys is the one place you find brotherhood.
Emotional intelligence puts a man in a whole other category. Men who are honest about their feelings are men you are more likely to trust. If they can be open about their feelings, they’re more likely to be understanding and interested when a woman shares her feelings… which is what many women crave.
Thank you Nathaniel I have submerged myself in sports culture for my whole life. I see it today, after your video, as a means to connect emotionally with my dad. And now that he is gone, I use it to connect with my 22 year son. I have always used it yo connect with my son. I feel encouraged by your video. I have been working on myself for many years. Authenticity is a priority. Again, thank you.
At 8:23 your dad talking about the ego part, that still wants to be special... ooft, I can so relate to this. I moved to NYC to be an actor, i went to an acting school, ended up working as an actor only to realise - i don't want this life. However, a part of me (that ego part of me) still sometimes has this desire to be special aka have the recognition and validation that an actor's life would have potentially brought. An old friend of mine, who was also an actor in NYC with me at the same time, became really big in the last year and got nominated even for an oscar. I am SO happy for her, but my god, the feelings that these news brought up for me... That I am nothing, that I am worthless, NOT special, just because she has X, and I don't. Despite the fact that's the dream I don't even want anymore. What a tricky, fascinating thing the ego + that shadow side of us is.... Thank you for another beautiful and vulnerable video, Nathaniel
This video struck a chord and have been pondering it for the last day. As a Brit, it's normal for men to also seek emotional outlets through excessive drinking and banter. It something I had to distance myself from that by also moving abroad and, as a musician, found solace in connecting with other men who share this outlet. This has already allowed me to form healthier relationships with like-minded men. I did have five years of therapy that also got me to this stage and highly recommend. Thank you for sharing the weakness and strength you've both endured - it has helped me reflect on my own journey that I hadn't considered.
i hate sports, i honestly has a kid never cared about society's expectations of me, if i wanted to cry for mom i always would and i didn't even give a damn about others mocking me even my own dad.
I felt your father's pain really hard. My kids are only 10 and 5, but I've had moments where I failed as a father for both of them, where I felt that I was lacking, both because of ignorance and simply not being able to do better. Being a father, a good one or real one, is probably central to be "a real man", and when you mess up, which we all will at some point (we're only humans), you feel that that part of you is lacking. I think a lot of what you're talking about is less about being a man or not, but about being human and acknowledging our own and others' shortcomings.
Nathaniel, thank you so much for this thoughtful and generous contribution. My father passed away five years ago, and it wasn't until the few years before that, when he was struggling with cancer, and facing his on mortality, that he allowed himself to expand emotionally, and become more vulnerable; (I'm originally from the Caribbean, and that culture comes with its own set of obstacles for this process.). My dad and I had a very difficult relationship before he was ill, and part of MY journey was similar to what you experienced with your father: I had to give up my idea of who I wanted him to be, who he failed to be (and seriously grieve for that), and embrace who he was. And that's when stuff shifted. Again, thank you, and I'm happy for you both.
As a gay man, I had been struggling with the definition of masculinity for years, and none knows how liberating it was to simply stop trying to fit in, people are going to categorize us either way so why would bother myself for something out of my control
Such an amazing video and so brave of you to make this. I am honestly grateful and highly impressed. Acknowledging this is probably one of the scariest thing for most straight men I think. I recognize a lot of what you said and am happy you were brave enough to straight up make a video with this title and directly address this issue I believe most of us have. Great work Nathaniel, looking forward to watching more of your videos.
I stopped talking to my Dad 10 plus years ago. I have a son of my own now. A large part of my professional work and my entire personal pursuit has been to be more vulnerable in a public manner. As society continues to progress and we fight less wars. The only way to go forward is for men to raise emotionally healthy men. I'm so grateful for Nathaniel, his father, and to you the viewer as you scroll through these comments. We aren't alone, the world needs up, keep going and keep being vulnerable it is anything but weakness.
thats so soad, so is your dad basically dead to you?
@@tubbycustard8866 basically, if I saw him it would be like seeing a ghost or a demon.
that's good work with your son. the only way we can shift these toxic norms is by raising our kids different and changing it ourselves. hard to be emotionally healthy these days at all, it seems. but definitely boys need role models who don't shut out emotion as if it's deranged. vulnerability is just a way of being honest and allowing yourself to be part of a community that can ask for and give support. better more fulfilling rships, too.
thanks for doing this.
It’s kinda sad that you had to cut off your relationship with your dad. It’s great that your working on your relationship with your son, it would be amazing if that could be possible with your father, but i don’t know how your relationship is with your father. I would be great to also be vulnerable in your personal life as you have said your personal pursuit is to be vulnerable in a public manner. Practicing what you preach would suit this situation very well.
Y'know, the more I think about it the less crazy it sounds but here goes. My dad is the opposite case for me. My dad is actually the more emotional one in regards to my parent's marriage. My mom is a little more on the cold side but tender hearted all the same.
My dad used to be a rough guy but my mom actually melted this guy's heart. Bounced for a strip club, gotten into multiple fights throughout his life though he always made sure that he never started them because he didn't really want to ever actually fight. He just never backed down against shitty people.
Long story short, my dad would go on to serve his community by putting on a uniform and he would inspire me to do the same though to another level. The reason I even remotely followed in his foot steps was what he told me when I was a kid.
"You have to be strong so you can defend others who can't defend themselves."
Honestly, it felt like a line out of a movie. (Probably was knowing him)
His love for me and my family has always been on full display because he brims with pride when we make jumps in life or achieve things we've worked hard at. He inspired me to protect others. I did 7 years with the military and worked within the addiction treatment field for a time all because I just wanted to help others.
He really just taught me to love others and to always be kind and to leave the world a better place than I found it.
Proud of your dad for embracing vulnerability and admitting his mistakes ✊🏽❤️
It’s very fascinating and also scary when you become an adult and begin to see your parents in a whole different light. And that your parents begin to be more open and vulnerable with you. I remember my mom bawling when her mother died in my early twenties and I had never seen my mom cry before. To me she was this incredibly courageous and always happy person. But that was the first time I saw my mom just like everyone else, with real emotions and flaws. That was pretty earth shattering, to see her be vulnerable and to see her struggle like that. But as I’ve learned more and more about her while being an adult, I can now actually understand her and her life in a more meaningful way which has really brought us closer together.
They day you realise your parents are regular human beings too is the most humbling and scary moment. Because suddenly you see them for what they are, and their imperfections, and not just as the people who raised you.
@@skylarsa its very interesting to me to read that other people didn't already see their parents as regular flawed people with problems since children, i honestly don't ever remember idealizing them, maybe because they were very dysfunctional so it was always clear to me they were flawed even when i was little
Lately feeling the urge to just lay my cards out on the table. To be more vulnerable, and express myself more fully. Whoever stays stays and let whoever goes go.
Do it Tommy, it's incredibly liberating and opens your eyes up to what people are truly honest around you. I've done nothing but benefit from this change in my life
what the world needs. let's leave our unnecessary layers behind
you got this tommy! being vulnerable is the bravest thing a person can do!
Do it! It's the best things that us, men, can do. It's hard and uncomfortable at the beginning but once you get used to it feels great!
It really is good to do that. Having support is everything.
The problem is the 3rd type of people - the ones who stays, but rather than by your side, they take what they know about you and turn it against you. Your weaknesses aren't just bad and sad things to be acknowledged and treated and improved, these things are now used as a weapon. And the sad part is that those people were actually amongst the closest ones you had, like those who stay holding your hand. That can be a parent, a sibling, a SO, a long time friend, etc. People who were there to help you suddenly mocking you and spreading stuff about you and betraying you.
That hurts a lot when it happens. You were trying, you were willing to change, to grow, to heal, and then you're stabbed on your back. That makes a man never want to open up and trust people again, ever. You may heal eventually and move on, but the blow is hard to take.
I really hope you can open up and let healing come. Take your time, be patient to yourself, but choose carefully who is at your side. You'll be fine, internet stranger. You'll be fine.
you're very special Nathaniel. I love the fact that you're even thinking about this and are vulnerable enough to discuss these issues. I genuinely wish there were more men like you.
Agreed ❤ at the very least he’s showing us all the way 😊
I agree, i wish I can meet more men in real life that are this willing to be vulnerable and raw!
You mean more beta's?
observant, thoughtful, sensitive, caring, family - orientated, authentic, affectionate men. Men with a high emotional IQ. It's a winning combination 🙂
@@boredagain1 this person understands! ❤️ 😉
I have a group of male mates who compliment eachother and rejoice in each other's success kind of like a coalition. But each of us are the type of people who don't really care what people think.
love this
Where do I find people like that😢
Can i join
I’m lucky enough to have the same, it’s great. We shit talk each other too but it’s all understood to be jokes. At the end of the day we all have each others backs and support each others successes
@@POPDATA just compliment everyone constantly (only if its deserved). "jesus, Mike you're looking handsome af today lad" etc
You Dad is such a treasure. Thank you for sharing him with us.
Nathaniel, man, you're really in top form right now with your filmmaking and storytelling. Loving the recent videos. Keep crushing it. From a longtime viewer.
NALF!
@NALF I totally agree
Same here! I totally agree with you
Same here 🤚
100%
7:30 It’s very interesting to see that men feel like they can’t openly express through crying unless the situation is intense in the moment or traumatic/ shameful. Many times I felt the strong urge to cry for the men in my life when they couldn’t. I’m happy to see how that circumstance still touches your father’s heart and compels him to take it and grow forward from it. Although i can see clear personality differences, I understand how much love is between you both.
It's hard but we make do lol. When I found out my father died, I had a few quiet silent tears as I drove home and that was that. I'm working on it XD
its interesting for you to find that out ? imma be honest with you, youre very likely part of the problem
@@marvin2678 well what do you suggest I or *we* do better to change that 🤭
I feel the exact same way as you Nathaniel in groups of men. About the teasing and always acting in control, calm, and unemotional. Super important topic. I've had many vulnerable conversations with my dad as an adult that I never had as a kid. It is really tough to do but it has made us grow closer and understand each other's needs. I've seen sides of my dad I didn't know existed at times.
As a woman who has complicated relationships with women, i really appreciate this video. I always wished as a woman we could just support, and champion each other… unfortunately that comes with a lot of competition, envy and pettiness and doesn’t always pan out how you expect it to… thanks to social media, these kinds of relationships have been sabotaged even more… i now prefer my own company to anything… but i wonder for how long is this kind of lifestyle sustainable..
Awful to read that your solution is to be by yourself because you kind find anyone with good enough values to be a supportive friend.
Know that good people are out there and that you just need to find them. You have just, it seems likely, been looking in the wrong places, or you aren’t recognising the people who are going to be supportive. Or your expectations of support are excessive and unreasonable. But a very healthy amount of support and care is definitely out there. Do not give up
My sister recently just stopped talking to all of her friends. These were 20 year relationship, she only works and stay in her room. I asked her tf happened and she told me when she needed them the MOST, they didn't even call. They didn't even check in, let alone SHOW UP! I have friends i can call at 3a.m. and say something is wrong, come grab me and they will. They have in the past and I would do the same for them.
I honestly would encourage you to be friends with more men, release this misandry you've been taught by modern day media because it is a lie. I had female friends (they're now married so i don't see them as much) and none of us guys tried to sleep with them, we were so close. That shows you right there, men's relationships are eternal, women's relationships are just situational. If things change, they're out.
Please don't close yourself off, find good dudes you can be friends with, communicate it from the beginning.
You may be one of a kind like myself. It’s not only that women bring those insecurities to the friendship but these women can’t feed you in any aspect, emotionally, spiritually, etc. Otherwise, you’d settle. But you won’t. You are enough, and that’s very unique that you haven’t settled for less than what you are worth it just to not be a loner. I personally became a loner for the stress that betrayal was bringing to my life. I do have relationships but I chose when I want to meet and I’m not that very invested. If I see there’s potential in those relationships, I’m willing to go the extra mile. But now they better prove to be that worthy. Otherwise, I’m good just for socializing, sharing our country’s food and culture and then off I go till I feel like repeating. But I’d rather give me all the time to do the things I enjoy and learn things my relationships aren’t interested in. That requires a lot of personality. And because of that, you don’t even care about those opinionated about your choices and making up conclusions. I appreciate your comment. I know there are more like us out there, lots actually.
This is always happening unfortunately but you can find good female people. Yeah, I have a few but I have them and they add value to my life because it took time to find them. But you will, you just have to wait and get to know other people.
I isolated myself, and it affected my mental health. I wouldn’t recommend it. Connection is tough, but achievable.
Well now I’m crying. It’s so beautiful to have a father that can express his feelings and acknowledge what he can and cannot do. Please know that you have a wonderful father; his willing to go to therapy has obviously helped him to grow. I wish you both the absolute best.
I'm a gay man. While I do still feel the pressure from society to "be a man", I feel like straight men have it a lot harder in this regard. By default, us gay men don't already fit into this rigid definition of masculinity (being physically/mentally strong, unemotional... and straight), and in order to live openly as a gay man, a certain amount of not caring what people think of us is already a prerequisite, so we have the freedom to be "unmanly" and free ourselves from that rigid definition of masculinity.
It's funny, my straight brothers and straight male friends have told me they fear being emotionally vulnerable with their partners because they don't want to be seen as unmanly, and that they rarely express themselves openly with their guy friends. It must be tiring (and so limiting and lonely) to only have that opportunity in the world of sports.
It's never unmanly to have emotions, talk about them openly, and experience them fully. Give yourself the permission to do those things, and you might be surprised by the respect (instead of ridicule) you will get from other men.
Totally agree! Very well put, thank you
Gay and man dont really go together. Try male...
It is my personal belief that one of the reasons why women and gay men receive so much hate from straight men is for the exact reasons you described. We are supposed to hate anything feminine in a patriachy and we dont play by these rules. They hate us for it. Instead of hating the system who made up all these rules. It is incredibly sad that these men cant feel the full spectrum of their humanity. It really needs to change.
@@seaofsolace don't include gay and women in the same sentence to get the latter's sympathy.
Yes and no. Some gay men overcompensate their being innately gay/different by acting "more a man" than their straight counterparts. Toxic masculinity still affects everyone.
When your dad broke down, I did too 😭 I was a single mom for many years & my son had no real male role model. There were things I just couldn’t teach him about being a man. I know the feeling well of being a disappointment to my children & it sucks to lose the respect of people you love & takes much longer to gain it back than it did to lose it. I’m glad to see you & your dad’s relationship grow!
It’s so beautiful to see your father in that vulnerable honesty, your videos are so amazing
You (and your dad) are wise way beyond your years, Nathaniel. I’m so glad I found your channel!
Cher Nathaniel, I’ve been following you for quite a while, and I haven’t left many comments, but this time I had to tell you that this is one of your best videos! I’ve been truly moved by your father’s genuine reaction. As a father of a 5 yo daughter, your father’s reaction, and yours, made me think about my present and future relationship with her. Thanks for sharing this!
I have been following you for years and this was my favourite video you’ve ever done. I teared up when you kissed your dad and hugged him.
i freaking admire his father. and the way his son came up to him and kissed him on the forehead to comfort🥺🥺🤧🤧
This was so beautiful and insightful. I saw the other video, between yourself and your father, yesterday, and I was filled with some sudden understanding and insights about the men in my life. I really felt much respect for you both, too. But this video made me cry a little at the end, because it is so honest and heartfelt. 💖
Holy S#%T! How did this video show up on my YT feed? It’s exactly what I needed to see and hear. I am back in the US after being away for more than 20 years and I’m finding myself feeling withdrawn and isolated as I try to re-adapt to this culture of toxic masculinity. I had forgotten what that felt like living in Asia. Thank you for sharing your journey. I don’t feel so alone anymore.
I am a woman, having a difficult relationship with my mother. In arts, psychology I read a lot abot relationship with parents, but I feel like a lot of books exploring the topic are only focused on one side of the trauma, of the trauma sometimes caused by parents. I am ready now to explore the topic further tho. In one book I read "in your teenage years, you start to realise your parents are also human, from your twenties you start your journey of accepting them and seeing them from a different angle".
I know now very well, how sometimes manipulation works, I want to see genuine ways how this conflict can be resolved. There is a conflict in me also, because I love my mother, but hate her for one side of her, and what she has done to me or said to me. I wonder if we'll ever be able to resolve our countless, unsaid confrontations. Sometimes we also ignored these confrontanions, because we didn't understand ourselves and neither the other, nonetheless did we know how to communicate it towards the other person.
It is not just like "you did something" and "I felt this way". It is a deep picture of my mother, how I wanted to be her like, how I wanted her to love me. And it didnt shed to pieces. Becasue it is still with me: 1. how I want to see my mother 2. How I want to connect with her 3. How she did behaved with me the way it hurt me 4. How I still love her because she is my mother and becasue she loves me too.
This video showed me a genuine expression of saying sorry from your father, but in a way that had a deeper layer, because he said he realised he he was also "failing" in a sense, while also having to let go of an idea of himself of "being special". He didn't "belittle himself", he said "its okay to fail". I dont think my mother would ever be able to forgive herself. So we just swallow our conflicts and try to forget.
There are also your eyes. Your eyes caught me, because you looked at your father the way I want to look at my mother. There was honesty about the situation. There was reckoning. But there was openness. COURAGE of standing by your feelings of loosing respect for him. Not changing your mind and saying 'it wasnt so bad' when he admitted his mistakes. But still giving him freedom to react, and giving him love.
Thank you for this video.
Danke für diesen persönlichen Einblick. Das Video hat mich sehr berührt.
Ich habe meinen Vater einmal weinen sehen, das ist nun 26 Jahre her.
So offen über meine Gefühle zu sprechen, das ist etwas, woran ich noch arbeiten möchte.
Thank you for this. It's hard to over state how emotionally unavailable male friendships often are and how painful that is (many times, pain that is left unconscious). I remember feeling this shift in 6th grade where the boys went from warm and playful to cold and posturing from one year (and school) to the next. I've recently realized there is a DEEP well of loneliness and sadness that began filling from that exact point. A part of me that was shamed into hiding and is begging to be 'aloud' back. Maybe the saddest part of of this process has been when that exiled part has found a way to come up out of the deep subconscious, one of the first questions he asks is "I'm here now but where are the other emotionally available men? where is my community?"
Wow, Sacred Sons, they could be what you are looking for! 🙃😉
Great Episode…. My daughter and I have the exact relationship. We travel together so much and I love it! But I’m still supposed to take care of her and when I lose control, I go into survival mode and forget she is 30 and actually knows as much but more about how to do things! Traveling forces you to have cultural shifts and we need to learn more! Love this episode! Thank you
This is just beautiful. Creating art that is real and affects other people is only possible when you are open, honest and vulnerable. Fantastic.
Intense words you said to your dad made me tear up. I love the storytelling.
Nathaniel, your dad seems to wear his heart on his sleeve and I love it. We need more men like that in the world right now.
The image at 1.08 is a photo from the 1989 Hillsborough disaster. I presume it wasn't intentional to include that image, but in the context it's used in this video, people were fighting for their lives as opposed to be being emotional about sports.
I love your dad. I love his ability to be so transparent and vulnerable. I watch his channel too. I love his content and the evidence of the time he takes to pull it together. He’s eloquent and articulate and has such a great speaking voice. And I love that the two of you are so self aware of your relationship. And you hugging and kissing him in that moment. I’d give an appendage to have done the same to my dad before he left this earth but he was a guy who never shed that veneer. Sigh.
Really interesting insights here
Quite interesting
I cant do anything but love all ur vids, there honestly perfect, the editing, music, etc. It’s bc your genuine and share your opinion and provide knowledge and it’s so much better than everyone else.
Much love.
since I was a teenager I remember myself watching your videos, that's how I learned English. and that's how I found a lot of incredible things for my life.
I'm a real fan.
saludos desde colombia. 🤍🇨🇴
Just another multi-year subscriber commenting that this is probably my favorite video of yours I’ve ever seen, the relationship with your dad and how honestly you talk with him about a hard time is powerful and captivating to watch.
As a gay man who was married to a lovely woman for 13 years and trying so hard to be straight, fit into a straight oriented world - thank you for this video. I began following you when you conducted the interview with your grandmother speaking five languages. Have watched nearly all your videos - what a range. Thank you for opening up life on so many levels.
How do you marry a woman for 13 years as a gay man? Did you not have intercourse much or did you have intercourse and it was not something you ever enjoyed? I'm very curious
I feel bad for ur ex spouse, imagine marrying someone and be together for 13 years just to find out they are gay. Dont play with a woman's feelings just to please society.
@@maursz We loved each other very much. In no way were feelings played with. Sexuality is complex. Some don’t understand. Look at the ignorance of some politicians today in dealing with transgendered issues. There are people who see things very black and white - no gray areas. That often turns problematic in seeing humanity in the world. Republicans in the US. The “we are right” attitude of the Russian leadership. Judgmental.
I feel bad for ur ex
You didnt answer the question, how does this even work as a gay man? Did you fantasize about men during intercourse to stay hard for example?
Bro, just watched this video. The moment you shared of your dad showing emotion was powerful. The way you embraced him in that moment was great. Thanks for you willingness to share.
Nathaniel, your videos are simply a true art! You inspire me so much.
Thank you.
You know how to tell the story!
The relationship you have with your dad is special....but as you said, it wouldn't happen if not for the internal work on both of your sides...
I wish for you and your dad the best years ahead!
Greetings 👋
Your articulation + filming style has drawn out inspiration in me that I was searching for. I hope to see more content on this topic that could help me help other men.
Love the depth of your reflections and how you weave this with your childhood memories, that turned the kind of man you are now. Yeah the world cups, as a sudaca I watched the last one crying and jumping at the same time what a historical moment. La familia values love and tradition transpires in all your vids. Please keep up the good work as a wonderful young man you are. Que Dios me lo bendiga.
Seriously, second video I watch of this channel, I'm subscribing right now
All relationships are hard but the journey you and your Dad have been through will endure forever.
It's really great that you were able to see your father as the person that he is rather than just as a dad, that you thought you knew. Regarding vulnerability among men, we are cultured from an early age to appear strong for several reasons. I think at the most basic level, it's all about survival. When our peers see us as strong, and they know, we are a good ally personally, and socially. When we can embody strength, we know we can withstand the buffering we receive from others and that's good for our own survival. Unfortunately there is also an element of homophobia between men. Well part of that can be due to social rules and morality, there's a large element of fear of being rejected for being in any way, connected to homosexuality or femininity in others, or identified that way one's self because of a fear of rejection and threat to survival that just feeds on its self. As our society is currently shifting more and more towards acceptance of LGBTQ people and more and more are coming out about their actual gender and orientation, there is a second coming out and that is, among all the straight people who really don't care who you love or what you like sexually. And yet we still have the legacy fear of rejection, fear of being seen, as weak or feminine, and ultimately, the fear of being cut off, ostracized, helpless, friendless, and at risk for our own survival. We all need to expand our idea of what real strength is for genuine manhood, which can involve a spectrum of emotion and expression. Real strength isn't in manliness or womanliness. It's a matter of character, confidence, self-respect and self-definition.
Really interesting topic, Nathaniel. I grew up with a group of 8 guys since elementary school. We're still hanging together and make it a point to see each other at least twice per year. These guys all have different personalities. Some are vulnerable and emotional. Others have more of the traditional manly traits. I peronally like to keep an open mind about these things. There's a lot of nuance in male behavior. I definitely respect my more emotional friends and we all have this uplifting atmosphere among us in this guy group of friends. At the same time, they also respect me as more of a stoic peronality. I simply don't feel the same intensity of emotion as they do. And that's ok too. So let's keep an open mind in all directions. Either way, ego should take a back seat.
At 7:22, I can totally understand your dad's emotion. He mentioned not wanting to look like a fool, but part of it, I think, is that his identity and that of many men is to always delivering whether for their family, work or society. There is pressure to be dependable because the inability to do so can significantly impact the lives of others especially family. It becomes part of one's identity, and looking like a fool in your son's eyes (Nathaniel) is just about the worst thing that could happen in his mind. You never want to appear incompetent, especially to your own children. Your dynamic with each other has and will continue to shift from father/child to that of equals. I think that's the best dynamic any parent could hope for.
Incredible video on such an important topic. I love how you tackled it and developed it. Our chat was not easy but we were ready for it after many years of processing. Although that experience is still difficult to address, it is refreshing to know that we can talk about it so freely and be able to reflect on all the good it has done for our relationship. You simply never know how a dark period in your life can eventually unfold and the many gifts it can yield... if you're willing to put in the hard work. Yay for the two of us. ❤
This was really interesting. Thanks Nathaniel for being vulnerable enough to share such a profound message such as this one.
Thank you Nathaniel. I feel as though I haven't fit into the "masculine" stereotype as a man and that's been a point of shame for me. Watching this gives me a sense of relief that we can, as men, have close intimate relationships with other men. Amazing content
Geezus - I love your dad.
I may have missed out on forming a strong connection with my father as I always rejected sports in my youth - especially those shown on TV. I loved seeing how you comforted your father too - what a beautiful relationship you two have. Also, he's got excellent genes!
As a queer man, I've been surrounded mainly by women (family and friends) for most of my life. Some years ago, I started hanging out with straight men more often and I still don't understand them completely. My male friends tease me and I began to do it too. However, I don't want to open up to them because I know they won't understand me. I know because I've done it before. I'm a very emotional guy but since I've also felt the pressure to "be a man" I ignore my feelings. Sometimes even women don't understand me because they want me to "be a man". Things are changing, fortunately. I wish straight guys good luck because I pretended to be straight for many years and I know it's not that easy.
You've describe my whole life. 😢😢
AMAZING. Your dad is such a special man, I mean really! Such thoughtful and genuine expression.
I couldn't love and respect two men that I don't know more than I do you and your father. I have only meet and spent time with the online versions of you two, but admire your growth,I admire your journey.
Love this, feel like I've gone through a similar journey myself. So glad you and your father we're able to heal your relationship.
I was just watching the conversation with your dad, a few videos on your travel to other countries, and some of languages- you’re awesome :) I love watching these
Beautiful Video. I've struggled with my relationship with masculinity due to my relationship with my father. Seeing yours be emotional and you giving him a kiss on the forehead is very touching. I hope I can have this sort of relationship with my son one day.
Oh man - watching your experience has given me words/labels that I didn't realize were true for my parents. Positive ones!! 🧡
Love how your videos are evolving and getting deeper~
There has never been a video in my life that has really touched my heart like this one has ever
You just became my favorite creator. These are amazing!!
As a 23yo guy I appreciate these type of videos. Growing up I never felt man enough and I always find it extremely hard to be open and vulnerable in front of others, even though I've always been a very sensitive guy. But I got tired of trying to be a man I wasn't tired to be tough and manly and unemotional, little by little I embrace myself and I opened up to my male friends and other men around me. I'm now able to be vulnerable and emotional but it's been a long and hard process. Last week I gave a speech in class about my story with suicide and masculinity, I was capable of being vulnerable and I invited the men in my class to be vulnerable too. I love the podcast episode with your dad, I listened it while I was running a few days ago. I highly recommend to every guy out there the book 'Man Enough'by Justin Baldoni, literally (yes, literally) life changing for me! Much love guys! 💙
To love is to be vulnerable.
Fantastic work, you two.
The sports part is so relatable. There is no place where I feel my friends open up more than at the gym or the football pitch. It's when we hit our personal record. When we score a goal. When we don't have enough energy. Sports is truly a discipline that brings out true manliness.
I do have a few man-to-man relationships in which I do have the space to be vulnerable and show my true self. Most however are exactly what you said: teasing and pushing around. I like that. But it's also truly important to be able to open up and be comfortable about your problems and weaknesses. I found that actually going through struggles together, facing problems that affect us all (my friends and myself) is what made us so open-minded.
@@loadishstone why does everything have to be intellectual? Sports for a lot of guys not only bring them together but teach a lot of life lessons that will take you much further in life than any intellectual pursuit ever could. Sport’s honestly is one of the biggest metaphors for life. It’s very similar to the caveman working hard with their tribe towards a goal
This video really helped me. I have a group of friends who really hold onto this 'manly' structure but we really started to connect when we talked about our issues, we all broke down, cried, and laughed about it afterwards but it didn't make any of us lesser because that's what true men are, stronger together
I read Brene Brown's Daring Greatly and it helped me a lot so glad you are addressing this topic of vulnerability in such a personal and courageous way
Brené Brown is amazing.
Thank you for sharing your personal and beautiful story with your dad. Parents and children have a very complex relationship that has it ups and downs, which you both navigate it amazingly. Keep pushing through the bad, welcome the good. And always remember we are all human who love each other.
Realizing that your parents are humans with flaws just like anyone else is a milestone of your 20s. Thank you for sharing how this experience was brought up for you. I'm sure many of us can relate. We should embrace our fathers as humans instead of hiding the truth and setting ridiculous standards for ourselves, our fathers, and our sons.
I have had these conversations with my son, always very emotional. Admitting mistakes and acknowledging areas of improvement are strategies to start healthy relationships with your loved ones. Thanks for sharing such a private story! ❤
This man never fails to make you think deeper about life…
BRAVO!!! Retired psychotherapist here. Bravo! Vulnerability and authenticity are so key to having health relationships. All relationships require these two things. We must be brave enough to have conversations that are uncomfortable. If we want to change, we must move in the direction that we want to go, and walk through that discomfort in order to forge a new path to wellness. Bravo!
As a gay man, I too have experienced complicated relationships with men. I wasn't that close with my dad until my mom died suddenly and our own shared mourning pushed us closer together and we became good friends. Next, I began running full marathons and completed the Boston Marathon a few times and that brought my dad and me even closer. I was surprised by the number of men who were suddenly in awe of me and almost worshipful as I became a very strong long-distance runner. I then realized that there is still a primal side to the male brain that wants to be around physically strong men because they will be able to protect from adversaries, provide food, shelter and inspire others to do the same, which means life will go on. I think we men are very simple, primal beings in some ways. Most of us are deeply satisfied when we have ample food, shelter, work, sleep, play and sex.
This. Most men just dont need the emotional exchange as much. Just sleep, eat, laze about, and fuck
Dude! Your conversation with your dad was truly inspiring. It takes immense courage and personal growth to have such introspective discussions with someone as close as a father. I deeply admire you for displaying this bravery, as well as for sharing it with the world on the internet. It's genuinely commendable.
The phenomenon of perceiving a father or parent as a "superhero" is a widely debated topic in the realm of psychodynamic theories. Heinz Kohut extensively discussed the concept of the "Idealizing self-object" - our innate inclination to idolize and admire others to develop a sense of self and experience a sense of safety and protection. When this idealization of our parents gradually diminishes, it allows the child to learn how to cultivate their own feelings of security and serenity, independent of relying on others. (These ideas are based on Kohut's theory, "The Psychology of the Self," for reference.)
I believe Kohut's theory resonates strongly with your situation, and I recommend delving into it further if this is a new concept for you.
Thank you so much for creating such stunning and mesmerizing videos. I eagerly anticipate everything you have in store for the future.
I will definitely be watching more of your incredible work.
Stay happy and fulfilled!
♥
What a beautiful episode with real/unscripted emotions. And useful to me too, as It shed light on a few bits that resonated with the tremulous relationship I had with my dad, even though he passed years ago. Bravo. And I'm so happy for you both.
I love the shots in the barbershop. It’s really the only time in everyday life where men become vulnerable to other men. there’s this man who has a tool to cut my hair, he can get near me, touch my head, tell me where to look. But that’s it. No other scenario in life will that happen.
Love the thoughts behind the B-Rolls
Love it dude. Thank you
I love this. Being in touch with your emotions is such a wonderful thing many people (especially men I think) are missing out of. But it's super important to grow and live a happy healthy life
wow, that video brought me a lot of emotions
I m usually not a sensitive man but your work, your story is just reminding me so much about my own relationship with my dad and my feelings about being a man
thanks
So pure. From the heart ❤thanks for sharing this deep message with us Daniel
who is Daniel
@@PlaceboEllie Haha 😂
there is something very powerful here. thank you for sharing this Nathaniel.
I think this is a journey, that if they are lucky, many young men go through; and it is so beautiful. To knock down the ego and find the self through experience and exploration is a road worth travelling. We build clay idols, but when we find the grain of sand within their make up we understand what it is to be a giant amongst men.
I can’t tell you how greatly well timed this video was for me. I needed to hear this.
Early men worked together to form the foundation of their society. Today men are isolated, alone, and have difficulty connecting with their brethren in any meaningful way.
@@loadishstone I’m talking about leadership in their communities, and a communal sense of responsibility and accountability. Foreign concepts, I know.
@@loadishstone
Men are the ones who built socites and civilizations, it's a proven fact, without strong men socites will crumble.
You're romanticising the past and glossing over the fact that the foundation of society is classism. a handful decide what is right and masses are usually oppressed into supporting and building
Didn't you mean early slaves worked together to form the foundation of their society? The foundation of any civilized society are the slaves.
@Gomeze While that's a fair assessment (of civilizational history), it does neglect the sense of community shared by even lower classes of particular periods. In Medieval Europe, one basically knew their lot in life. They were likely a part of a trades guild and were bound to a distinct iteration of Christianity and its associated lifestyle. What was needed was made, and not with gross financial excess as the motivator. The relative freedom generated by budding capitalism and protestantism severed ties that gave men a sense of place and purpose. All engagements became competitive and in service to a market economy. Friendship was networking. We became servants to wealth, rather than the opposite.
Control, dominance, and submission have been ubiquitous throughout time. But their flavors and pyschosocial outcomes certainly morph with the era and those changes are worthy of discussion. We definitely don't want to romanticize what came before us, but we also shouldn't write it off as pure subjugation.
Congratulations to the both of for being open, honest & vulnerable. This is what everyone needs to do in order to grow, establish foundations & develop solid relationships.
I'm gay, and I've experienced this a lot. It's amazing to see a straight man talking so openly about it, thank you SO much.
Is Nathaniel gay or straight ?
@@aiolioi5027 he ido straight
@@aiolioi5027 He said that he's straight in the video - emotional vulnerability doesn't make a man gay, it just means he's human
I'm glad I watched today's episode, as I couldn't finish the conversation you had with your father yesterday. It hit a nerve, and I recoiled into myself as a parent who isn't perfect. I'm glad you two did the work - and I'm glad I'm no longer angry with you for being so harsh with your father. Again, I couldn't watch the whole conversation. I think I'll share this with my son...
I believe this proves that all those years of men surpressing their emotions throughout history has come to light, and it's more visible now more than ever. I'm glad there are men who are finally accepting their emotions and going to therapy to get a deeper understanding of themselves. These small steps can really be crucial in maintaining a relationship between a son and father, but also between friends
An incredible and necessary discussion.
Thank god I'm Somali! thank you lord. We have nothing you've mentioned. We are like brothers, truly brothers, we can vulnerable, we can show emotions and we can incredibly competitive while pushing one another. And the biggest component of our friendship I don't see in many men's circles these days, LOYALTY.
I'm a Somali girl and I can confirm.
My father 's childhood friend is still his best friend. They were children in pre-civil war somalia. Now, they are men with careers and families.
Also, I remember there was this time during the Olympics where two Somali men competing for different teams ended up winning first and second place
God*
This touched me so deeply as an individual who has struggled for a lifetime to connect with his father where things seem to become worse and worse with communication. The fact that you were able to have that conversation with yours is everything. All I have ever wanted was to be able to connect with mine. He’s hopped up on pharmaceuticals and comes from a line of stoic men who have zero emotional intellect. It’s our generation who is here to break the intergenerational trauma of toxicity and stigma against the demonstration emotion and sensitivity.
It's so weird that us (LGBTQIA+ folks and women) have been openly talking and being vulnerable for years now, in both real world and social media, and this is (I guess) the first time I come across content of a dude expressing himself about the lack of vulnerability among men. I can't help but wonder how does men cope living this way. The only thing that is not surprising though, is that this video is coming from a beautiful person like you Nathaniel, great job!
Lots of men are just fine, it's just some "masculine" groups who think stoicism is hating on your boys for crying. I don't have a hard time crying because of masculinity, I have a hard time crying because I grew up getting the very clear message that noone cared. If anything hanging with the boys is the one place you find brotherhood.
Most straight women are not emotionally sophisticated enough to accept men being vulnerable. 9/10 times it’s the end of the relationship.
Men commit the supermajority of suicides in virtually every society on earth. The reality is a lot of Men don't simply cope.
we got here without all that bs u people try to push lmao
@dolphin069 if you actually end up in a relationship with a stable woman then you'll realize this isn't true
This was such a touching video 🥺 I’m so happy you and your dad were able to reconnect and greatly improve your relationship ❤️
Emotional intelligence puts a man in a whole other category. Men who are honest about their feelings are men you are more likely
to trust. If they can be open about their feelings, they’re more likely to be understanding and interested when a woman shares her feelings… which is what many women crave.
Thank you Nathaniel
I have submerged myself in sports culture for my whole life. I see it today, after your video, as a means to connect emotionally with my dad. And now that he is gone, I use it to connect with my 22 year son. I have always used it yo connect with my son.
I feel encouraged by your video. I have been working on myself for many years. Authenticity is a priority.
Again, thank you.
At 8:23 your dad talking about the ego part, that still wants to be special... ooft, I can so relate to this. I moved to NYC to be an actor, i went to an acting school, ended up working as an actor only to realise - i don't want this life. However, a part of me (that ego part of me) still sometimes has this desire to be special aka have the recognition and validation that an actor's life would have potentially brought. An old friend of mine, who was also an actor in NYC with me at the same time, became really big in the last year and got nominated even for an oscar. I am SO happy for her, but my god, the feelings that these news brought up for me... That I am nothing, that I am worthless, NOT special, just because she has X, and I don't. Despite the fact that's the dream I don't even want anymore. What a tricky, fascinating thing the ego + that shadow side of us is.... Thank you for another beautiful and vulnerable video, Nathaniel
This video is just perfect!
This video struck a chord and have been pondering it for the last day. As a Brit, it's normal for men to also seek emotional outlets through excessive drinking and banter. It something I had to distance myself from that by also moving abroad and, as a musician, found solace in connecting with other men who share this outlet. This has already allowed me to form healthier relationships with like-minded men. I did have five years of therapy that also got me to this stage and highly recommend. Thank you for sharing the weakness and strength you've both endured - it has helped me reflect on my own journey that I hadn't considered.
7:27 --- I just saw a good dad! In many cases as men we should be more open with our families to talk things out!
i hate sports, i honestly has a kid never cared about society's expectations of me, if i wanted to cry for mom i always would and i didn't even give a damn about others mocking me even my own dad.
So find something you don’t hate. He just used sports, cause sports and I’d say religion are the two easiest ways to see men bond in life
I felt your father's pain really hard. My kids are only 10 and 5, but I've had moments where I failed as a father for both of them, where I felt that I was lacking, both because of ignorance and simply not being able to do better. Being a father, a good one or real one, is probably central to be "a real man", and when you mess up, which we all will at some point (we're only humans), you feel that that part of you is lacking.
I think a lot of what you're talking about is less about being a man or not, but about being human and acknowledging our own and others' shortcomings.
Damn.. is it ok to communicate with a Dad like this? 🥺
Im saying bro. He kissed his dad on the forehead and was very blunt about how he had “insanely poor communication”. Im shook yet intrigued
Nathaniel, thank you so much for this thoughtful and generous contribution. My father passed away five years ago, and it wasn't until the few years before that, when he was struggling with cancer, and facing his on mortality, that he allowed himself to expand emotionally, and become more vulnerable; (I'm originally from the Caribbean, and that culture comes with its own set of obstacles for this process.). My dad and I had a very difficult relationship before he was ill, and part of MY journey was similar to what you experienced with your father: I had to give up my idea of who I wanted him to be, who he failed to be (and seriously grieve for that), and embrace who he was. And that's when stuff shifted.
Again, thank you, and I'm happy for you both.
As a gay man, I had been struggling with the definition of masculinity for years, and none knows how liberating it was to simply stop trying to fit in, people are going to categorize us either way so why would bother myself for something out of my control
Such an amazing video and so brave of you to make this. I am honestly grateful and highly impressed. Acknowledging this is probably one of the scariest thing for most straight men I think. I recognize a lot of what you said and am happy you were brave enough to straight up make a video with this title and directly address this issue I believe most of us have. Great work Nathaniel, looking forward to watching more of your videos.