Men Aren't Taught How To Manage Emotions
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- Опубліковано 30 кві 2024
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My mom didn't teach me shit except how to not upset her lol
Sameeeeee
Funny and extremely sad at the same time.
Sorry to hear. I would say mine taught me a lot, but not upsetting her was definitely at the top of the list.
As a woman, same. All of my cries for help were met with animosity for not being the perfect child anymore. Which was just code for being autistic and high masking from shame, guilt, and trauma.
i think being neurodivergent just signs you up for developmental trauma
I just came back from a walk where I meditated about how many places I’ve worked at use guilt as a way to keep people around. This seems perfectly timed.
It's awful
"I work at use guilt as" ?? Sorry this is so confusing to read lol
@@bambampewpew32 ah that’s supposed to be “I’ve worked at.” Fixed it, thanks.
@@jcnot9712 ohhh dang yeah lol thanks
I had a girlfriend who would pull the good ol' silent treatment when i did or said something she didn't like instead of telling me directly what was wrong. It fucking sucked and yet she still dared to tell me about how we needed better communication, like yeah we sure did.
Had a girlfriend exactly like this. Giving me the silent treatment and then accusing me of being the one with communication issues. Wish I could have put together in my head at the time just how manipulative this was. I feel your pain, you ain't alone.
As a woman who sometimes needs time to process my feelings and thoughts before approaching an adult conversation about them, I think this can be justified if it's eventually talked about. I absolutely cannot talk in the heat of the moment because I cannot gather myself the way that I'd like to. I'm also autistic and I have a hard time processing my own emotions and I need the time to filter those out properly, so maybe this is something to think about. Your ex maybe like me where she needed the time and space to gather herself and very well didn't know how (or even felt safe) enough to say so.. I can't speak for her on her behalf, but I'm hoping my explanation can maybe help why the "silent" treatment is a thing.
@@HauntedCadaverstill abusive unless you communicate this need in an adult way.
@@vic44rd that's if my partner/people even respect that boundary of mine, otherwise its like talking to a brick wall
@HauntedCadaver
Then that means Women don't know how to channel their emotions either
I don’t think most people are even consciously aware of their emotional manipulation. And that’s the beauty of it-it’s plausibly deniable. And, if you claim to not care, they will double down and call you out for “not caring.”
Which is okay!
You have to learn to let people think and believe whatever they think and believe, and express it however they want to, without you feeling the need to respond to it in any way.
If you can do that, you’re unmanipulatable.
this is a great comment, thank you for sharing
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm curious what you would do if people put you in a situation that was an existential threat to you?
@@v9b23j short term, like life and death, or long-term, like soul-sucking?
Short term is kick, scream, lie, fight, run.
Long term is try to control and solve it with trauma-taught strategies from childhood, until my delusional belief that I can overcome it is beaten down too much.
I've tried to say "unmanipulatable" out loud but I cannot lol
this is probably the most insightful comment I've read on UA-cam in almost a decade
the last sentence was all that tied it together
From a members only livestream?
That’s the hardest part tho, that feeling of guilt sticks with me sometimes for whole days.
@@kalroy1230 look at it as fake guilt, manipulative guilt. I get this way too but find myself being able to differentiate between genuine guilt and manipulatively induced guilt.
@@kalroy1230I think he meant "This is totally fine." Which sounds a tad like "It is what it is"
We, men, are taught early and often how to manage our emotions. The message is very clear from society, women, employers, etc. Suppress them, period.
Exactly
That is awful advice though, you should never suppress your emotions otherwise they will come back 10x stronger and not allow you to be happy and healthy
Yeah well men are shamed for showing emotions @@looneytunesboy101
That had not been true of the operational patriarchy, though, which was the primary social framework for teaching men. Up to at least World War II in the US, men were taught by the patriarchy how to show their emotions _in mens' spaces with other men._ But mens' spaces and the patriarchy have gone away.
Although suppressing them isn't "managing" them per-say, but just a form of covering them up and ignoring them, even though they're clearly still there.
Suppressing my emotions has caused a bit of a detriment to my psyche. I haven't had a good cry in a while.
Generally, a man is taught how to treat others but never how he is to be treated
This explains why a lot of sons will cave in to their parents while their sisters escape unscathed. Not always but in the majority of cases men appear so vulnerable to manipulation and when a woman comes into their lives and wants them to have strength in their vulnerability, they can't because they've learned that vulnerability only brings shame. There are still a lot of women that are shamed into emotional avoidance as well though so it really depends.
One small error: we don't escape "unscathed". We just escape.
@@EGV88 by escaping you take less "damage" though
I was abused a lot and have adhd (perhaps autism), and I started out a lot like a lot of guys. The thing about my adult experience is, because most women are good at mental health, I felt like I had plenty of space to work through my feelings as an adult woman.
Whereas men feel even more shame for even trying.
I had a few good examples of women in college who had been to therapy and it helped me feel therapy was normal. Of course my father used therapy as a threat, so I still have barely ever gone, but I felt like doing the work was important and needed and something I was comfortable learning.
@@steggopotamus Most men, myself included, have never had a positive outcome from being vulnerable. We learn through all of our interactions - with parents, teachers, peers, and lovers - that being vulnerable isn't worth the social cost that comes with it - shame, rejection, and ridicule. This is especially true of our interactions with women, who are more cruel and vindictive toward men today than they ever have been.
Many woman have the same experiences as you. Im in my 40s no one taught me emotinal management my mother was in the psych ward my Dad was stiff upper lip. After doing decades of work in myself because i cant afford therapy all my hard work is written off as if it 'comes easily/naturally to u cause u a woman' . I tell u now as an autistic person this WAS NOT THE CASE. Never tell victims of child abuse you had it harder than them. Suffering is not a competition@@whitemakesright2177
Yes this exactly, the part about guilt is so true
What makes you believe it's not the same - or even worse - for women?
Dr. K is right. I’m in my 20s and have difficulty managing my emotions.
This is why living with a manipulative parent prepared me better for later in life. I **recognize** that behavior. I've put thought into how to respond.
And I now play the game better than them.
But it's not a healthy relationship then...
@@parulsinha3092but trying to help manipulative people deal with their behaviors can help manage the relationship
@@parulsinha3092unfortunately sometimes "healthy relationship" isn't possible and sometimes you have to deal with some people even if you don't want and simply you want interact with them as little as possible.
@@parulsinha3092 The people I'm in a relationship with don't play those games. I avoid my parents for that reason and encourage my daughter to do the same - and I've explained to her what kind of people they are.
Can you share some examples of how you respond to a manipulative parent?
Thank you. 🙏
I can't be emotionally manipulated lmao. I just disassociate into apathy.
We're taught to bottle them. When the bottle is full, then we can express them; after some more bottling. Results may vary
This hit me deeply. Because this happened way too often and now I'm learning to control my emotions when I'm close to 30
Terminator: I dont need to manage my emotions if I dont have any
There is a term for the emotional and guilt manipulation, “ gaslighting “!
Quitting my job where they would manipulate me this way even when the shifts would go over 10 hours then they had the gal to say I wasnt doing enough even sometimes cutting my breaks made me hit a breaking point. Tried to guilt me again into staying til they found another person to take my spot nah thats your problem now, so much happier in my new job and I find it easier to set boundaries before it becomes a problem.
The fact that i can't even articulate how immense a truth this is.
Lowkey, women have emotionally manipulated me time and time again simply bc I care too much about their feelings to do anything that would upset them.
Boundaries aren't for men, we have to always be the ones accomodate.
Women: "Rules for thee, excuses for me."
Also women: "You must accept that I will change everything about you I don't like; but if you can't accept me as I am, at my perpetual worst, you don't deserve me."
Men do all the work to build; while women wait at the finish line to move in.
That's because we as men genuinely want to make women happy but they never take us up on that in good faith. They see it as a blank check to manipulate
@@smokingcrab2290 They save their subservience for trash who mistreat them.
Meanwhile, the rest of us have to repair damage that we didn't cause before we get any basic human treatment.
The fun part is watching how mad they get when they realize you’re not falling for it. And you gleefully tell them you don’t give AF. ✌️
It's even more terrible when they are even blind to their emotions, much less know how to deal with them.
no its not. why cant women just be stoic like men are?
Remember, anything you agree under duress, you don't need to be responsible for. Just don't show up to help and don't feel guilty about it
We're vulnerable because the only two "acceptable" emotions, that has been pointed out on another short, is lust and anger.
If we "experience" anything else it's preceived as weakness.
Obviously garbage and an extrem perspective. But, because we want to step outside of the "stereotype" we overcompinsate and allow ourselves to be mistreated.
The guilt thing is accurate. But, just another perspective.
Yup. I actually wasn't really allowed to show anger either, which I actually appreciate now because I don't act externally, but I'd turn the anger inward, which was destructive. Much better handle on it now.
In another video He said something about people accepting sadness and shunning anger.
@@Mozart380 I vaguely recall that one, I think it was related to not reacting to everything with anger, and understanding sadness isn't showing weakness or something along those lines.
It's worse than that. I've always been shamed for showing lust and anger, too.
What world are you living in? Lust and anger are probably the two most vilified male emotions of all lmao
When he says, "Other people," he means women.
yep. I was taught how to shut up, that's how they manage my emotions. And also, what you said about being controlled by guilt, that's still my dad.
Humans aren't taught this. It's inherent to living in a coercive cultural milieu.
Where are women taught to manage their emotions?
For one thing, we are allowed to cry, that's such a huge way to release that stream. Women are perceived as less threatening, so we have more freedom to express our emotions and are written off as just being in our feels. The things a woman has to learn to be taken seriously and be safe from bodily harm growing up sort of teaches us what works and what doesn't.
Women also talk through things and vent to our circle of friends, which we're generally better at keeping.
These are not perfect methods, but admittedly better than what men typically have to work worth.
Ig it helps to have less amounts of a hormone that makes you emotionally impulsive. I struggle with being impulsive with my words, though, bc it takes longer for me to convert my true feelings into the appropriate thing to say. When I'm so angry I'm about to say something hurtful, I hold it in for a second longer. It goes down almost like a fiery coal in your throat. Then I breathe, and typically find something better to say.
When my mental health was really poor, I downloaded therapy apps that basically involved transcribing my thoughts to digest them. It's cathartic, especially when you read them years later & no longer relate. Writing negative thoughts on paper, to then crumple and burn it/throw it out also works. Art is good, too. Poetry, drawing, stop motion, photography, whatever you like.
You probably know this already, but exercise is a good way to expel anger. Therapy that involves bodily movement is called somatic therapy, and I think men who get bored of talk therapy need that. But it requires learning about yourself as you go, or else internal issues won't be fixed.
I recently learned that people who are afraid of a certain emotion in others, don't express it enough themselves. Add gender norms to this, and you have men afraid to be sad/vulnerable & women afraid to be angry. We're humans and have a wide breadth of emotions. I thought I was more emotionally mature than my family growing up bc I was rarely ever angry... Turns out, I cut those wires in myself to deal with & prioritize their anger instead, and now *I don't know* how to be angry. I'm not mature yet, bc I can't be sad without crying.
You need to relearn how to transfer negative energy from one emotion bucket to another, or not convert it at all if you're trying to mask it. Like, if you need to expel quick anger, I learned that doing instinctively aggressive behaviors helps, like bearing your teeth. It's silly but it actually helps, so it won't be transferred to the "Sadness" bucket, so to speak.
If you feel comforted by pressure or touch, but don't have a human available, don't be afraid to get a plushie (or several). Plushies do wonders for expelling aggression, needs to display affection, and calming you down. Men don't have enough of them. Don't depend on conditional factors like a girlfriend, be emotionally self-reliant. Then you'll be less impulsive & open to manipulation bc you're not desperate. That's all I can think of.
@@nperegri you're also allowed to publicly express more than one emotion without being shamed
@@nperegrithere’s also the societal factor. A man getting angry at something is commonly shamed and seen as a threat, a woman getting angry at something is applauded and encouraged. This goes across the entire spectrum of emotions as well. It’s like society actively discourages men from showing their emotions while encouraging women to do so
@@spaghetto9836 Thanks for writing this long message! Lots of great advice there!
That said, do you remember some of those meditation apps you mentioned by name. I'm curious to try them out as I have trouble expressing my emotions until they reach a boiling point. So if you have any recommendations I'd be grateful if you could tell me
Marketers! And other well funded groups attempt to guilt everyone to buying their product (you’re not attractive/liked/fit/clean enough without it) or shame everyone to follow their cause (you’re not good enough if you don’t 2minutes hate those people)
Stay safe.
When they try to induce shame on me all they get is rage because I'm so over that shit...
Same. I'm gay, and "they" is when people automatically assume this makes me faulty & worthy only of pity (or worse)...like I'm some sort of pointless (leper) defect.
From experience, it's impossible to change people's assumptions & judgements & convictions, so I don't even try anymore. Their ignorance is their problem & responsibility to fix, not mine...
Funny when I start thinking like this, I’m a narcissist😂
There is a level of complexity here as well when you get to the generational/culture context. I am a second generation Hmong-American and I grew up with low-context culture expectations where my parents were high-context in-nature. "Certainly realized this a lot later than I hoped otherwise just having that perspective early on would have changed my view on things greatly.
It's more manipulation than "control"
Explain the difference
Manipulation is a set of tactics used to gain and maintain control at the cost of the controlled person's wellbeing
Semantics that don't affect the point
@@arugula517 when you're manipulated, you're still the one in control of your choices.
@@TheGreenTaco999 …
Everyday of my life lol.
Dealing with emotions as a man is throwing all of it in a closet to forget about it and then one day it all falls on your face
i think what he says applies to everyone
Same goes for women tbh. Some of them think slamming doors and screaming their lungs out is an acceptable way to express anger.
Edit: Good God y'all had a different context in mind than I did. Sorry, my bad. Abuse bad, venting good.
Original: I'm no professional, but considering the many many worse ways to express anger, screaming and slamming doors seems pretty good to me.
@@noahblack914 Ahh yes murder bad so that makes assault good. Big Brain
@@noahblack914 so verbal abuse and looming physical abuse seems accrptable to you
It's not that they think it's acceptable, it's that they were taught that they wouldn't be listened to if they didn't get angry. Dr K's video on porn addiction covers this briefly where he stated that if parents repeatedly neglect to listen to small displays of protests from their children, and only respond to tantrums, over time this teaches their children to stop wasting time and just skip straight to the tantrum so they can get their needs met.
It's also a trauma response. Making loud noises, getting physical, and yelling are all tactics some abuse victims learn to protect themselves as a fight response to fight-or-flight situations. If their trauma is unresolved and triggered down the line, they can respond in the way they were taught to regain safety, even if it results in them being less happy and healthy.
And it's not exclusive to women in any way, nor is it anyone's fault. I don't know the exact context of the full video this clip is from, but I don't think Dr. K is not saying that men who do this are bad people. They were children who were failed by their caretakers. The point isn't to point fingers at men vs women and argue about who are worse, it's to understand why people are the way they are and better handle these situations.
@@noahblack914better does not make it good
Religion 101
Muhtheism same old, same old...
John Green collab when??
Hits home after hearing my brother saying how everything was his fault when we were planning our dad's funeral and his girlfriend could not come on the day we made our arrangements. Bro our father died she should have made it clear which days she is not available next week. Like my boyfriend did and our other brother's girlfriend.
It's called narcissistic control
I just become a Vulcan
Dr k for department of mental health
Lets all find god within ourself and learn about our inner strength
The new blue seal is so good and makes it far more interesting
A female employee who was having an affair with her boss blackmailed him for not divorcing his wife and being "exclusive" with her. While he changed her reporting line, she managed to get a year's worth of "alimony" from him while still working for the same company. She instilled fear, obligation, and guilt in him in order to make him comply with her needs.
he was also an idiot to have an extramarital affair
This is why I kinda like it when someone is trying to guilt trip me about things that are unreasonable. Smile and act like you care. Many people don't know they're doing it and honestly it's exhausting having to explain why I genuinely don't care if you think I should feel guilty if I think I should not
I felt like my mom did this all the time growing up, and it got to the point where I would explain to her why I would feel guilty over the way she responded when I declined and get angry at her for guilt tripping me. That was the only way I could justify standing up for myself.
You listen to this to manage emotion, i listen to this to control emotions
We are not the same
My mom always worries me and I don't know am I doing right or not but I stopped to care. She works hard and tries to make a living doing a few things to have more incomes, in the beginning I was doing my best to help her out, but it was troublesome, not because of tasks but because of her. The key thing to know about her, is that she makes so much fuss every time she touches something, she just can't chill, everything needs to be in chaos as soon as she enters the room. I was feeling like a working dog, whose words were meaningless, because as I tried to do it my way (most, I think correct and fast way) I just got abused and ignored with words: "Can't you do it as I said?". So now I just dont feel anything or care about her so she can't hurt me or anything like that.
I wrote this just to vent and structure things in my mind, so nvm.
Pretty much the bane of my existence
I’m going through this nasty cycle in all my jobs where I am the only woman or one of very few there - these men don’t know how to control her emotions, and also either consciously or unconsciously think it’s OK to take it out on me because my job is a woman’s to validate their emotions, or because I have no pull against them etc etc
I really like with Dr. K is doing because I think he strikes a good balance of empathizing and understanding their behavior and helping them understand it without pandering to them and excusing their behavior, unlike with a lot of the “masculinists” spaces on here
Post is not about womens and youre doing literally what he said hahaha
@@pau8367 They didn't say the post is about women. They added to the discussion about their own experience dealing with men who are going through what Dr. K talked about. But I didn't get any sense of blame or toxicity towards men from this comment. Take this from another man.
I taught myself. I'm 22 😌 since 15
this isnt untrue, its just not all of it. what hes describing is what and why people go into mental health crisises like getting into hard (or even normal but addicted) drugs and getting into midlife or other criseses. my dad wasn't taught that he cant help everyone and be scared of shame and making people feel bad and hes having breakdowns every day because he doesnt understand why people are so bad to him. some people simply dont know they cant let themselves get taken advantage of forever
this happens with women to but i see it a lot more in men since ive been alive
I taught myself very early at age 9 already to manage my emotions, It was more self reflection and stuff that did it.
Oddly enough I meet far more women (THESE DAYS) who are bad at handling emotions personally, even my mother and father are very different that way.
This is literally how the internet creates and maintains a status quo.
Holy shit i just did that today bro at work
This was my childhood
Yes but also don't use that as an excuse to be totally self centered cause that won't be fulfilling long term, some expectations from others are what makes life meaningful
I think this is really helpful...
I never got the urge to control other people..in any way. I mind my business, and you'll mind yours..ideally
Be taught to do as others do.
A father encourages to develop the personal within what the group allows, not to walk as others walk.
Treat men as a Father to son, not as a Mother to daughter.
I had man manipulating me with guilt or these things, no one thought me that there were people who conscioulsy or unconsciously do that. I learned, of course. It took decades 😅 its hard to see something you cant believe exist 😅 woman 🙋🏻♀️
My mom the sociopath filled me with pity, guilt, shame and whatever the sick person wanted to use for herself. Emotions are a waste of time and people.
Please attach the link of the full videos from the next time. It will help us to learn from you better and in a elaborative way
They usually do, this is a member exclusive video though
It is far past high time for the education system to standardize mental health education deeply within curriculums. It is essential for a healthy society, and without it, we are likely headed towards societal collapse.
It wouldn’t last because the “parental rights” advocates would then scream that the schools are turning their children against them.
LoL, the system would just make it worst, LoL
@@marbellaotaiza801 in the state it has been in for the last 20+ years? Yes. Base education desperately needs to be overhauled with modern curriculums rooted in understanding life and self in congruence with other subjects.
@@shiroi5672 🤦♂️ understanding the psychological processes of self and others is clearly something that not many possess. Nobody mentioned clasping hands and praising taxes. When provided with simple comprehension that individuals can use to improve their mental state, it raises the baseline intellectual capacity of a community to overcome adversity in many forms.
Fk I can’t stand people who are reductive to the point of idiocy.
@@UnclePumblechook maybe modernization is the problem...
Makes a lot of sense
Taught to hold it in and die 💀 I would cry alone at night and feel a bit better after 😂 soon learn to recognize feelings and then, sadness and depression were no longer the problem
I thought it was just me... I'm a slave to being guilted into basically anything or everything people want me to
I grew up in a Hispanic family. By 14 I learned to shut off guilt and shame. Of course it pisses people off but trying to use either is just going to get me to spend less time with you
It takes a very long time to realize and reckon with the fact that your parents were highly dysfunctional emotionally, and that they did you no favors by not modeling proper emotional regulation to their children.
Fun fact: women aren't taught to deal with their emotions either. Most of my patients with emotional regulation problems are female.
I HATE manipulation, if I pick up on it I WILL NOT out of principle do what you want me to do. If you had otherwise just asked I would have helped(moat of the time)
that doesn't affect me at all, it's easy for me to say no, even when people talk me like "he is evil for kicking that dog and deserves prison", to which most of the times i say "no, he doesn't"
I spent the first 30 years of my life unaware that I was allowed to set boundaries and say “no”.
Ironically, I’m discovering women are very attracted to men who set boundaries.
Can someone link me the full video?
What every man on Earth has been taught since he was 3, even by his mother...
"Suck it up, Buttercup."
"Walk it off."
"Big boys don't cry."
"Be a man, for God's sake!"
"Man up."
"Life is hard, boy. Get over it."
Shocking that men don't know what to do with their emotions besides swallow them like hot lead and carry on.
It's not that we weren't taught how to manage our emotions. The relevant factor is testosteron that is responsible for removing big part of the brain area that is responsible for processing emotions.
This is what an angry wife does when things don't go her way.
Basicly Media.
What does he mean by the last comment? There is a torrent of negative emotion when you shed an expectation.
"men especially", have you never been with women? Also, just take a look at the behavior of the mothers. There are a lot of things that you are ignoring, so what you say is inaccurate.
Oh... some things make me sense now...
This is how empathy is exploited by others, which I see happen a lot to sahm by narc husbands... so I'm not sure what this guy is saying.
this shit is not universally applicable and should not be taken at face value without prior understanding of someone's life and circumstances, do not trust people like this who make vague blanket statements pitting you against the world.
Sometimes Our guilt Feelings are good, and lead us to take needed actions,
HOW ON EARTH, we can distinguish the manipulative guilt ?
I'm not only asking to Dr.k, share your thoughts viewers
emotions? I'm dead inside. I feel nothing
Finally…
Now you just have to tie it back to feminism replacing stoicism, then you’ll understand the problem.
@@MorganHyde-ie5ru incorrect. Stoicism is pure narcissism. It’s all about emotions and what people want.
Stoicism is about emotional control to put your desires behind your duty to society.
This is how Andrew Tate gets followers
People talk a lot about men and their emotions, but are women taught how to manage their emotions?
It funny how many times people have said to me as a woman AGAINST us that we are too emotional or we are too manitoulative. Cut the fcking crap.
Title could be better
This is one of the rare occasions I disagree with Dr. K.
Since when are men and women supposed to process emotions the same way? We have WAY different hormonal profiles. We respond to things differently by design. Ask anyone who's gone through HRT; testosterone blunts anxiety and stress to a large extent, so there's less negative emotion there for us to "learn how to manage" (whatever that even entails). And it just so happens that our T levels have been dropping by 1% per year since the 70's...so good luck to all the men out there, I guess.
If anything, what you're really saying is that modern men behave like women, in that we allow emotional manipulation and peer pressure to control our behavior, rather than being the more hard-nosed and self-assured men that our grandfathers were. Whether that's mainly hormonal or cultural or both, this is a much deeper problem than "mommy didn't teach me how to handle my feewings. :("
His voice is punishment.
This is less about management and more about men having a protector instinct they need to learn to suppress if they don't want to be a sucker.
We were once taught to manage our emotions, but then feminists called it toxic masculinity!
Yall blaming your mothers for not teaching you how to regulate your emotions. But why isn’t your father teaching you how to do so? How do you think women learn to regulate our emotions? No one “taught me” how to do so- certainly not my mother or father. I learned through experience, self - education, trial and error. Stop blaming women for literally everything
Single parent households...
Men are very good at managing emotions, we have to manage our girl friends for her all the time.
I don't know, this works only if you're naive
The LDS/mormon religion in a nutshell