MUST WATCH Before Dating a Japanese (Kokuhaku Confession)
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- Опубліковано 11 бер 2023
- One of the strange cultures of Japan is the "Kokuhaku (confession)," isn't it? When watching anime and movies, there are often scenes of confessions, where a person tells another person that they like them and wants to date them. Many viewers have asked me about how it actually works. As a Japanese person, I had always taken this custom for granted, so I wanted to take this opportunity to analyze it.
So today, I will explain the three reasons why Kokuhaku is important in Japanese culture. The reasons will get more and more important towards the end, so I hope you can check out all three. And as you all know, in my videos I try to explore it from a cultural and historical perspective,
so I am sure that there will be interesting discoveries in this video that other people rarely talk about. Keep in mind, however, that this is the opinion of a 28-year-old Generation Y person,
as cultures vary greatly from generation to generation.
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Nice, I like purity culture
How much does japnese coat botton cost?
Please tell
I love that Shogo brought up the Edo period. Shogo not mentioning the Edo period is like Chef John not adding cayenne to a dish. I start doubting the authenticity of the video when it happens XD
💗💗💗💗💗
Well, he kinda has no choice. The Edo period was when Japan figured out how to Japan. A lot of things got culturally institutionalized at that time.
@@Borderose I dare Shogo to upload a video about some japanese custom without mentioning the Edo period that is not about just talking about a japanese era specifically
"Why is Modern Japan have X Problem"
"Oh it started in Edo period..."
Literally, every, time. And yes, Edo Period was messed up, dystopian peace.
@Victoria Zero i love this comment 🤣😂
You know, as an autistic girl, this seems ideal to me! Someone being direct about their feelings feels better than someone assuming you are their partner, when in fact you believe the both of you are just friends. I personally have issues with knowing how people percieve me and our relationships (friends/just people who know eachother casually, best friends/just friends, friends/lovers)
I agree with you and I'm not autistic. Things should be clear in all types of relationships. The truth is men use women all the time because women have accepted that these men play with them and are not clear about their intentions. And in other relationships you don't know if someone is your actual friend or you are just classmates for example.
I’m the same way. I always had a harder time reading between the lines when it comes to relationships.
Can confirm 1.
My complete lack of understanding Kokuhaku and its importance to my wife very nearly killed our relationship before it started. While she was waiting for me to confess how serious I was about her, I was walking around like she knew by instinct.
Needless to say, I almost blew it by not realizing she felt I didn't take her feelings into consideration and was just living out some gaijin fantasy.
I wouldn't say it was your fault, it's a cultural difference that isn't common knowledge on the same level as something like samurai and anime, and it makes sense that as a foreigner you might not have expected the confession to be necessary. Not that it's your wife's fault for also not realising a confession is not as important to your culture, it is just a miscommunication that can be expected when people from two very different backgrounds meet
The difference is women in the West will just accept being used. That's how far the Patriarchy has gone. The 'confession' thing is just making thing clear about how your compromise. It's literally just communicating and being clear. @@SpinningTurtle66
Even though I'm not of Japanese Descent, Kokuhaku makes a lot of sense to me, and it's normally how I approach initiating a romantic relationship.
I agree. It's just respect for the other person, communicating clearly what you are in for.
Clarifying and being direct of one's intentions have been on the rise here in the west. While I'm not too keen on the idea of immediately dating after a confession, I do appreciate it when someone is being direct and open with someone. Too often people assume someone they're seeing wants to be in a relationship, and even assume they're in a relationship, only to find out that was never the case and they were just a casual hook up. Now more and more people are taking their time rather than committing to someone so soon, with more and more people going on dates with a person for at least 3-4 months before officially being in a relationship - as well as dating each other for at least 4-5 years before getting engaged or at least moving in together. People need to get to know each other very well before deciding on something so important.
It does feel odd that one needs to be so explicit. The idea that "I want to go out with you" by already asking you out, should be a clear indication that I have interest in you. I think this is even before the pair mutually agrees to be a couple, which I understand is what you're getting at, and to which, I agree that a more explicit declaration/acknowledgement would be better than guessing - but that's probably after a series of dates, not before the 1st one...?
@@IHateUniqueUsernames Yeah that's totally fine, you don't need to be that explicit on the first date, as OP said, people can date for 3-4 months before being officially in a relationship, so you have that long to be explicit about it if you want
@@IHateUniqueUsernames Yes. Dating should be a trial run to see if the person you're interested in is someone you can spend the rest of your days with. A lot of people who just want to hook up don't make it clear in the beginning and thus causes drama because the other wasted their time on someone who wasn't being serious.
Personally I'd like to move in around the 2-3 year mark. Because you learn alot about a person when you live with them. So it makes it easier to decide if they are the one.
I love the Kokuhaku and think it should be in my culture, too. There are so many people I've heard who don't know where they stand with someone and are confused. It causes a lot of worry and stress. It is best for people to have it clear and not waste time thinking "are we /aren't we" or stressing over "well, what do they think about me?" I think it's a great thing to be clear when you are sincere.
Thank you so much for this video. I had always been confused about why in anime and other Japanese media, characters acted pretty dense or oblivious about the obvious romantic nature of their relationship until one of them confessed their feelings. Now I think I'm starting to understand.
Most of the time the guys has to initiate first to clear things up .
It used to be here in the US, that young men would ask a girl they liked to "go steady." This was an upgrade from a casual to exclusive relationship if accepted. It was often marked by the exchanging of some meaningful token like a sports participation pin or a letterman's sweater. The girl would then wear the item as proof that the pair were "going steady."
Hmm, like the grape soda pins the Fredericksen couple had in the movie Up?
Ohuh. That's cute.
It's interesting that a lot of people today don't know it was once common to date multiple people at once.
@@RodBeauvex It still is common(especially for women), it's just not talked about openly.
It's sort of like gathering the courage to ask someone out in high school in America. I only did that once and was rejected. Years later, I did again through text message (didn't have the opportunity to in person and the timing just led to that), and that one was a success. Having never dated since that relationship ended, I really don't know anything about modern dating.
What are you? 12?
@@KenMabie I'm 32, and I've only been on three dates in my life (mainly due to me not caring much about dating and the guys who asked me out generally being shy). Maybe this person doesn't focus much on dating, either.
@@BigGrabowski you have a very sad life.
@@KenMabie how would they be 12 in high school
@@brysoncraig8700 shabby school standards
It happens in the US too by way of how we introduce one another. Both guys and girls will announce to their friends in front of each other that "this person is my boyfriend/girlfriend" as a way to formalize the relationship to each other
I'm autistic. I NEED an explicit statement.
It exists in America when a guy or girl is super oblivious or if somebody's being wishy-washy then the other person will confess. They like the other person and want a serious relationship. It's also used to force a decision on somebody who might be in a more casual relationship with a person but want to get serious.
My younger brother did it to his current girlfriend after three dates.
I think kokuhaku is quite a normal thing, at least I think so. Growing up, some ppl do that some ppl don't. I'm a girl and tend to be more on the serious (old-schooled) side of things, so I prefer if a guy tell me seriously (kokuhaku) they want to try a relationship rather than going out a few dates to see.
Also I find it cute. Kokuhaku makes me feel the guy is sincere and aware of his feelings and position.
So like if I do try a few dates and I find I like him, I will immediately affirm our status rather than just dating without a kokuhaku and then feeling "are we a thing? Are we not?" and then maybe having to confess myself
Beautiful story about your confession to Harumi.
Each video is like a gift, not just for the clearly laid out information but also for the warmth you have for each subject. Thank you. :)
I wish we did the confession in my country, too. I find it romantic and it makes things much easier for an introverted person like me. This is so nice.
Thank you for your videos explaining Japanese culture. You always seem so friendly and happy. Also, I really love how much you love your country and are proud of it and it's history.
I just wish I had known this 20 years ago. I didn't know about kokuhaku and I think I unknowingly hurt someone's feelings. She and her friends didn't seem to believe me when I tried to explain that my country doesn't have such a custom.
I think it's common for people that they should be honest when establishing connection that's what I thought until you mentioned yours. I think its even harder that way because you have to read people's intentions
I was waiting for Edo period, and I wasn't disappointed.
The oddest Kokuhaku like culture I've seen is in Wales. The man is expected to carve an intricate wooden spoon.
In hopes that he and his love interest could later “spoon”?
I guess then Chris broad would have to talk to his man cdawg about this, zing.
I feel so odd over here. I feel like there are certain unwritten rules in western dating, like when you need to kiss, when you need to go further and things like that. It wouldn't surprise me that there is an unclear line you cross when you enter a relationship. There are also unwritten rules on how many times you need to meet the person you date. It seems like everyone see the person they like several times a week. I have heard that in Japan, you don't need to see someone more than once a week if you're dating them, and with the confession, you have a clear line of when the relationship starts.
That's interesting to hear. It was once a week in my case too. I wanted to see more of her, and that must have seemed clingy and a turn-off. I had no idea there was such a guideline.
How does kokuhaku work between adults? Do you ask them to meet you somewhere and confess verbally? What do you usually say? In some images you see them giving an envelope, what would the letters in them say? Are they declarations that you want them to read instead of saying it verbally?
Where I’m from, when two people start dating, we always ask “who asked who out?” As in, whose the one that said “will you go on a date with me?” I feel like this is similar to kokuhaku.
With White Day coming up, this topic seems to be perfect for the video, Shogo!😁
Overall, everybody has got to be *honest* (especially with their feelings) to certain things even when they’re being asked a question about something like how they think of that person. That honesty will pay off in the long run as there might be a less chance of ruining your relationship with the people you hold dear.☺️
So in America, particularly the south, this does exist. We call it “putting a title on things” or a “label” up until that point you might say you’re “just talking to someone” instead of saying you’re dating. Although here it can take up to 3-4 months whereas I’ve heard it happens pretty fast in Japan. This tradition is dying though unfortunately and many people now just leave things vague and open to interpretation. It’s sad really. Many Americans are scared of commitment
There is a great movie with same title - Kokuhaku .
I really appreciate the historical background and analysis you made! Thank you for this!
You do see this in manga and anime all the time! Thank you for the video as I am sure many of us have wondered about it.
Sweden here. I've followed your videos for a long time but never really commented. I really like your content and I actually learn a lot. One of the favourite videos is when you bring Kazu in. You two combined is so funny.
I would like to know more about the Ainu in northern Japan. If you don't have a topic ready, I would love your take on it in a future video.
Very fascinating & well explained. Thank you!
In America we don’t really do the confession thing. We just get together at some point we awkwardly have a conversation about whether or not we’re serious.
thanks shogo. this is very common in many anime and manga, and i didn't even think that this was very common or even completely real.
I think that this perfectly explains the system of communication. But it is quite different to many other places.
Thank your for educating me. I enjoy your channel very much.
How does Kokukahu culture wok with more subtle and poetic ways of confessing? One phrase that comes to mind to confess love is, "The moon is beautiful, isn't it?" How common is it for people in Japan to use confessions like that over more direct ways? Does that only happen in movies and anime?
This would have been more helpful 33 years ago when I first stated dating my wife (She from Chiba). Somehow we managed are way through it and have been married for 30 years now.
I enjoy your content very much, thank you!
This helps a lot, Shogo. Thanks alot!
Well time to go to Japan and see some cool things, nice vid 👍
there's kokuhaku culture too here in Indonesia, which I think similar if not exactly the same as that of Japan (based on watching anime). At least when I was in high school about a decade ago.
In the Philippines, we also have kokuhaku but unlike in Japanese, courtship in the traditional Philippine setting is more tedious and loves to beat around the bush. Nowadays though, I think people are more direct.
I find idea of Kokuhaku to be really fair to everybody involved. If guy is not ready to confess his feeling maybe he is not ready for relationship. I think that being direct of one's intentions is healthy for relationship.
I had the realization that here in the USA, our approach to dating is kind of the opposite to Japan. We START by getting to know the other person casually, then ask them out, and after a number dates (however many feels right) you confess. But often times people will become a "couple" before even saying "I love you". Those words hold a LOT of weight here. Saying "I like you" feels (at least, to me) a little bit childish due to how we use it, as well as how it's used in media.
For me personally, I kind of wish we had Kokuhaku in a sense. I'm very nervous about romance, as I value friendship very highly. I'd rather stay friends forever than lose that person because our relationship went poorly. I'm also somewhat oblivious to flirting. Like, I can KINDA pick up on it, but I'm never sure. So I do the opposite of the typical guy and assume "she's just being friendly". I don't want to make things awkward with a misunderstanding.
I've lost a friend each to both of these, and I'd held these fears long before then. All it really did was reinforce my concerns. At this point, I've been hoping that someone I like will confess to me. Just super blunt and direct so I cannot POSSIBLY misinterpret it. But being a man, that makes it HIGHLY unlikely. Our (hetero) norms also insist that the man asks out the woman. Combine that with our dating culture as described above, and it becomes extremely hard for someone like me to find love.
And yes, I've tried SEVERAL dating apps for the past like 3 years. I gained a couple of friends out of it, and there is someone I'm currently in contact with who MIGHT be interested in eventually dating me, but she's still recovering from her past breakup, so we're just chatting for the time being.
I think each approach has its advantages, but none of them are perfect. For example, if a man and woman like each other, but he thinks she is WAY out of his league, he will be much less likely to confess. Meanwhile, other people with high anxiety, depression, or communication disorders may be wholly incapable of confessing. In examples like these, I believe the relationship is more likely to happen if either she takes initiative, or they start by hanging out as friends and things evolve on their own.
such a great vid
It is really helpful.. Thanks
I feel that many counties or communities/ groups practice something similar to this custom of kokuhaku. I really enjoy seeing these commonalities. So far, US is the 1st place that I've lived that the sentiment should be somehow understood without words. ✌🏾😂 Thanks 4 your enjoyable videos.
Arigato gozaimas 👍 Great video❤
For me, kokuhaku is an unhappy word.
It destroys friendship.
I kind of like it, everyone’s up front about their feelings.
In my Country we usually just say if we may be interested in a relationship or not, often there is a period before starting dating when the couple start knowing each other and only after that the two choose if start dating or not. That doesn't mean there has been a confession, when we see a couple we are never sure if they have explicitly spoke about it. Before asking to marry someone usually is spent a lot of time
I'm trying to understand a little bit japanese culture with your videos and i must say it's very different from France: In Japan it seems more common to be very polite and not say if you dislike somebody (or somebody's ways) for exemple, here in France it's the total opposite: even if somebody is your superior, being "rude" isn't always seen as a bad thing, depends on the guy of course but a lot of time by saying to somebody you dislike something specific of what they're doing they're try to change their way at best, or at worst will try to make you change your ways (talking about entreprise or things like this).
But i live in the south of France so peoples don't always think like north France people, i guess it could be more or less the same thing in Japan but idk much about it.
(3:24) Is this why Foreigners have a difficult time getting to know native Japanese. Because foreigners are not ruled by Japanese customs, Japanese people have no idea what kind of people they are dealing with.
Fascinating. I knew someone from the USA who married a Japanese woman. He once related that after they'd been seeing each other for a while she directly asked him what his intentions were and what their future would be, not wanting to waste her time, especially with a foreigner, if it wasn't serious.
Thank you for the video. That was interesting. To be honest, I always thought, that the whole japanese confession was just an anime cliche. Just like in Hollywood-movies any hero ends up in bed with the rescued women. I didn't expect it, to actually exist in the real world.
Hearing the explanation, it does make sense for japanese people to "label" their relationship/position to any other person as soon as possible. And any time, the position may change. Particularly if the language depends on it too.
I'm guessing that it is more specific to movies and anime, in a similar way to "omae" and "teme" and the such. also isn't the reply for yes "I would die for you" or something similar?
Nice!
i love the format of your videos, it makes all the information easy to digest and remember
Hey Shogo, thank you for this video. If you don't mind my asking I was just curious because in most anime and even Japanese drama (the modern ones) there are lots of cases when it is the female who expresses their female first and sometimes confess first. So if this happens and the guy says yes then are they officially in a dating relationship? Or does the female still expects the male to affirm by confessing to her also? I would love to hear your explanation on this. Thank you very much!
It may not have anything to do with this particular video but I wanted to say that I discovered your channel not so long ago and since then I've been binge watching the huge majority of your content. Keep up the great content Shogo!
ありがとうございます！
You and Harumi are such a wonderful couple ♥️❤️
I have no romantic feelings, so this video is not relevant to me, but I am still interested in the culture behind it. Your videos make me curious about things that I was previously not curious about.
Hi I am an Indian guy but the 3 points u explained was so related with my family. It was just listening to my family rules😂. I want to go to japan with my family when I am financially stable.❤
I am missing the women's perspective here. How can women approach males they want to get to know in private? I am having no numbers but there seem to be lots of international women living and working in Japan for months and years without ever dating a Japanese native. (Got the impression through interviews held by Takashi from Tokyo, another Japanese UA-camr).
This questions sound a bit rude but why are production of adult videos so common in Japan? Doesn't this contradicts the 2nd point on purity?
Is saying daisuki desu (or writing it) already a suitable confession, or not?
I thought it was a Kuuki ga yomeru situation too.
In my homeland of the land that’ll off you aka Australia, if we like someone we just flat out tell them and then see what happens then it goes either way
I dated a Japanese woman that was attending MIT and I didn’t find out till 6 months later that she hadn’t said anything about me to her parents because her father would have basically “disowned” her. I thought she never brought them up because she wasn’t on speaking terms with them, so I never brought them up. We broke up because I refused to come between her and her family.
I’ve always had this fantasy too to be honest, I guess it’s because anime influenced me 😂
In Finland, there used to be sort of 'love magic' or rituals that you would do, especially around Midsummer and so on, like you would gaze down upon the lake at midsummer night naked, you would see your future spouse, along with some other rituals. There's also matter of courtship, that a woman would have a knife sheath with her, made by their father usually and the man would have to find a suitable knife to fit that sheath, be it bought from a smith or made by themselves. In older times, you would ask a village 'wiseman' or a seer for aid with 'love magic', in which men would for example take trials like jump over campfires and so forth, for a blessing. You also had to get the blessing of your parents, if you wanted inherit from them. People did live in groups in one family stead or a village, you would help grow another family's kid more readily back then, but 'arranged marriages' weren't too common to my belief, but people did somewhat try to 'strategically' play around like inheritance, for example. But I think this more so mattered on your class, but it wasn't 'absolute' always.
Nowadays obviously those traditions are not really relevant today, but even today, there are various 'trials' and 'hardships' you have to go through from various points to make things, y'know, work right. So worrying about just a confession, wasn't like a main concern here.
Is "Daisuki daisuki desu" a confession of love, or will a Japanese simply think "He's English and doesn't understand the language"?
So I think I understand kokuhaku culture now, thank you! Are there are other social rules about telling other people you're dating? I was watching the office romance anime Wotakoi: Love is Hard for Otaku, and the two senior employees are in a relationship and have been living together for a few years (I think in the manga they're married but that's not clear in the anime).
But in one episode he takes his junior colleagues out for drinks and they talk about how attractive his girlfriend is right to his face but he never tells them, "By the way, she's my girlfriend" and they don't seem aware of it either. At what point are you able to tell people you're in a relationship? Is it because there are different rules with coworkers? Maybe there were social cues in the scene that were lost on me?
I am curious. Did you stay at the Marunouchi hotel recently?
Hii I have something to ask
I don't need you to make a video but could you translate a song called bad apple? There are 2 different translations and Idk which one is true
Sounds like DRAMA !
It's interesting. Because this isn't as much a thing in US culture that I'm aware of. There is this implication that asking on a date is an implication of a basic desire to see if folks have chemistry and interest for future romantic situations. The "confession" equivalent here seems to be the upgrading of relationship status from dating to "okay we're a couple now." So it goes from "I'm seeing someone," to "They're my girlfriend/boyfriend/partner" when it's formalized and then of course we have the whole proposal situation.
What I noticed and find interesting is the place where the formal declaration comes into play more is nerd groups. Not solely because of the influence of Japanese Kokuhaku culture from the anime fan side, but for a similar reason you describe: lack of facility with voicing feelings and a desire for the comfort of formal communication. Speaking as one myself, nerds like rules and having a clearly stated thing does often make us more comfortable.
I’m kind of curious to know if there’s any relationship with the concepts of this video with the high rate of cheating specifically in japan
latter part would be courting stage
And now you have three kids!! 😂 So cute!!
In my parents generation living together never happened where I live. In fact I remember it was a major scandal when people my age lived together probably till 2000. I come from a very small Scottish town.
It feels like it's similar to telling someone you love them, or think you might be falling in love with them.
As a westerner with a diff POV, I like the idea of kokuhaku bc you know you only have one person to focus on and worry about. If it doesn't work out, date another person.
Confess Culture ay... 🤔
Where I'm from, as far as I can tell, for a long time, that is how you started that kind of relationship.
There isn't much of a dating culture here, you often become "official" before dating.
It's also not made a big deal generally, people kind of just say they like you among the youth. 🤔
With adults who haven't been friends already, then I suppose they start dating, I don't have knowledge of those situations.
With adults who know each other already or have been friends, it seems very direct much like the youth, in my mother's time, they may also tell the parents they like them.
Can't really say much beyond that, especially how the current young adult go about it, it's outside of my experience 🤔 😅
Most of the people I know, met either in school or grew up together, maybe church, temple, etc. 🤔
Very interesting video, you explain the luck of how it works, but can you give it example of a proper or improper confession to us foreigners. also, what is the proper etiquette for the confession for both male and female?
I haven't started the video and I already feel that the reason ia going to be tied to something in the Edo period 😂
Really love this concept as a more traditional person.
Western culture is too far gone for such a thing to work there, though.
You'll see countless videos of western women saying they're turned off by men confessing they like them, so they'll just lead on the men who confessed for free food, etc. if it ever happens, rather than date them.
On the flip side, you'll also see countless videos of men saying they should never confess to women for this exact reason.
What makes perfect sense in a traditional, structured society like Japan's is just a ticket to getting walked all over if you're a man (or free food, if you're a woman) in the west, but westerners call Japanese the wacky ones, which just seems more & more like projection from a decaying culture.
Go outside. This reeks of just staring at a computer screen and going "This is exactly how the world works.
'Confession? makes a lot of sense and makes things clear. I think women would like that in every country... Look at what we have instead 🤦♀
So like in every the conculosion is... the fault is on Edo peroid😅
In the US, an idea like this would work around elementary school and middle school sometimes. One person would pass a note to another until it reaches the person the note is meant for. Of course that was before the advent of smartphones. If the teacher intercepts it, they might make you read it in front of everyone.
Shogo the RIZZLER
👍
For such a young person, only in ur twenties, you seem years wiser my young friend Shogo. 🎩
♥
My thoughts on dating is u have to learn to love yourself first before dating. Go find yourself cuz if you dont, ur relationship with yourself and towards others will not last. I once confessed my true feelings towards a Japanese singer. To be honest, i spoke the truth with honesty. Crush dont last very long. So i started dating myself instead.
Hello
I was always under the impression that Japanese are adept at "reading the room" so it's surprising that in romance they need direct confirmation.
I love how in love with your wife you are ❤❤❤ it’s so wonderful!
I'm not japanese but I am asian and this kinda lines up with my ideals
I guess dating is seen as casual/not exclusive unless the kokuhaku happens, right? I remember Nobita talking about the relatively high percentages of cheating and I wonder if the reason for that is that if a kokuhaku hasn't happened then they haven't actually cheated?
Nah it's not. Japan just has cheating culture
I love little cultural differences like this. In Japan you confess yo the person you love and in my country 12 year old girls get spit roasted on tik tok. Isn't it fascinating?
as an Indian , its not surprising . its the same here