Giving yourself the gift of kindness and forgiveness helps you avoid the all or nothing thinking . It’s knowing that even if things don’t work out as planned, it’s going to be ok.
Even though this thinking of all or nothing helped me in the past, at some point became a constant anxiety. It's a rigid type of thinking. I appreciate flexibility a lot more now.
@@freshliving4199 I love your words of advice on ignoring the thoughts and Anxiety will go away, so I am going to start ignoring the thoughts. Thank you
Debbie, thank you so much for making me aware of when these videos get posted. I am in the chef society also, and I am subscribe to her UA-cam page…… but for some unknown reason, I do not get notified when she post a new video. Thanks to you, I will now look for them on Thursdays.🌻🌻🌻
Julia, this talk has a transformational almost instantaneously) effect on me. You are so incisive in the way you explain the trouble with our minds. Thank you so much. ❤
I can tell that you are a fantastic therapist because you have real presence and charisma and connect very well with viewers of your videos.... including this viewer. As to this video's content, I have used all or nothing thinking in the past and almost always resulted in heartache. It is incredibly destructive.
I was raised by a mother who had an all or nothing point of view about everything. Basically you were with her, did as she said, behaved as she expected or she kicked you to the curb. What always bothered me was Mom always preached that she loved us kids, but her expectations said otherwise. I've shared this with my therapist and she helped me to see through the lies.
Well Spoken Madame Kristina, Carving out the nuances from the splintered remains seem not only perplexing, but a difficulty in which a lot of us have a hard seeing easily the difference between extremes and a "happy medium". As redundant and silly as it may seem, ordinary and dull have become harbors for reflection and insight. There are safeties and securities set in a consistent routine, as flexible as that routine may be, the continuity detracts. Basing and gauging ones expression and indifferences on bias doesn't allow for one to think and see clearly, you are in a sense being controlled, like being under an influence of a substance recklessly, and abandoning and endangering yourself and others along your path. That is extremes, "All or Nothing" 'in it to win it, my way or the highway'; there is room for measure or leisure for processing or even thinking to daydreaming. The creative ingenuity that takes precedent lies truly within, not against, it's something you become that reflects from the inside like a sweater being worn vs projecting where you want to be or who you "think" you are, if you are you are, just Be and eventually learn to get good, at least better. Absolutely stunning video today, brilliant wording and educational. Thank you for inspiring so many to become more well rounded vs utility of versions in self.
Thank you for teaching all the little details to come out of all or nothing thinking! Your explanation is very simple and easy to understand. The methods you tell us is very clear and easy to apply in everyday life. SO helpful! Pls keep making good videos like this. It means alot :)thank you♡
I dont consider myself a perfectionist but others say i am. I dont think i think in all or nothing ways , but you basically describe me. The part where if you make a mistake and condem yourself and your brain reminds you of all your past mistakes is me, often. This is not flattering talk, but your videos are just so reallife and so deep and raw compared to so many on utube. I continue to appreciate them week after week!
Thank you very much Julia for your selfless kindness to help all of us who watched. I just found your podcasts recently and they are very helpful. Thank you once again.
Hi Julia, this thinking has lead to not just anxiety, but anger which has affected my relationships with people all my life. I grew up with parents who shamed my brothers and me all the time, and when I saw this behavior in myself towards my own children, I went to therapy.
Julia Kristina, I just wanted to let you know that you are helping me a lot. I am able to deal better with anxiety. Your content is so valid. Cheers from Italia
That was really insightful. It happens for me from time to time that I want X to be perfect, or have none of it at all. However, I was hoping you'd mention people who suffer from BPD/EUPD as black and white thinking is one of the major symptoms. And what I understand is that they (BPD) can watch this video all day long but they'll still not be able to let go of their all-or-nothing thinking or at least improve without professional help.
This is something I struggle with quite a lot, and I'm really hoping to become more aware of it so that I can minimize my anxiety. Thank you so much for this
My Name is Amy I'm 50 and a mother of 6 and a grandmother of 5 , I was diagnosed with this 3 years ago , I was in a Narcissistic Cult for 20 years. Pushed into from my 2nd husband, and this is taking me soo long to heal from this. Three councilor later I'm finally seeing things more clearly.
Thank you so much Julia for this upload you are really doing a great job in us and in me particularly, indeed there's a time when I was caught into this very situation always feeling as if I'm a no body because of what I went through during my growth but thank God,I realized that my passed have not to define my future I stood in the mirror and told my self that I can be someone, I totally changed I'm a happy girl now.
This is a bad habit of mine, I suffer from this at times. It's definitely hard, I can be too hard on myself for making mistakes and feeling like I'm incompetent, and a screw up I'm society.
For me I’d say that my life is about 90% all or nothing thinking since I was 9 yrs old. When my mom died it was “all” yeah i saved my mom and I’m a good person or “nothing” I didn’t save her and I’m a worthless failure. That one moment is that what my brain brings up as proof when I want to try to do something with my life. I’m a perfectionist and it hurts me physically and mentally with this all or nothing thinking. I’ve wanted to start a UA-cam gaming channel for about a year, but I can’t even get settled with my channel name. It’s got to be all good or nothing will happen. I literally have a page of names that I look at and when I just can’t pick out a name for my channel, I either play a boxing game on my quest 2 till I fall asleep or I cry until I fall asleep. And don’t even get me started on channel art.
Someone recently told me that nothing ever goes right for her, her entire life is a failure, nothing ever gets better, and link my not being ready to take her to the mall before dark to her abusive childhood. She hadn't told me that getting to the mall before dark was important to her, or I'd have made it happen. All-or-nothing thinking can make people say really weird things sometimes.
I do this because I self sabotage when I’m stuck...I don’t do certain things because I know the outcome I say all those phrases or terms at least every day or every other
Great topic and presentation! I would add- how about believing that things are in a certain way and if it turns out to be something else, to not get discouraged or defeated but instead to realize that things might still be as you saw them initially but not in this phase of life, but not yet in other words. It's good to go beyond and even against whatever you hear from the outside world as long as how you perceive everything is aligned with your deep heart. I also have a similar content video on "not feeling good enough" on my channel, if you want to check it out. Hope this brings some clarity!
Always think everyone hates me. I have anger. Need to get out of relationship. Feel like he loves me but loud voice and control. No self esteem talk negative. Complain.
There’s a question I asked myself a while ago and I’m hoping you (or someone) might be able to provide an answer to. The question is: is it normal for someone to want to feel worse than they already do? For whatever reason, I gain a sense of comfort when I feel like I’m in a low state of mind, but it’s not enough so I wish it was worse.
Customers have called me a PERFECTIONIST. I thanked them, but told myself that it was likely customer-driven, and that I produced high quality because they would have picked at even the tiniest flaw. This was helpful over the years for my state of mind. People can be highly critical. PERFECTIONIST was not a compliment in my mind. 😁 This is our culture at the high end. At age 51 I began to produce much more artistic work. Art requires flaws. 😁 The work was beautiful but more difficult to find customers. Truth. I have a channel with a couple examples.
I have this problem especially with my diet. If I try really hard with my diet, and then I do one wrong thing, like eat a piece of candy, then in my mind I completely failed and wasn’t healthy and everything goes out the window
But what if someone does "always" treat you a certain way. I mean there are people who do treat people like garbage and it's time to get rid of them but if you don't see it for what it is, always, then you keep toxic people around you.
Nice video. Good points. And then I'm glad you stopped tossing your hair as much as you did at one point. This makes the videos much more enjoyable to watch, and focusing on the content becomes easier.
Hi Coach! And All or Nothing can also over lap with Overgeneralization distorted thoughts. Maybe even Mental Filter...or Shoulding...so many can overlap! These are so important to recognize and catch these types of thoughts. It helps to change the thoughts afterwards. To anyone reading this, remember you are worthy and valued. ❤ #Shifter #seniorshifter #shiftsociety
Hi Julia, I don't know if you'll ever see this or if this comment will be lost because I know you probably get a lot of comments on your vidz from other people as well but how do you deal with close family members who verbally attack you. I know it isn't personaland I've been telling myself that and I realized that it is because I feel that I need their approval even though I don't but it still feels that I did something wrong. May you make a video on how to deal with personal attacks from toxic family members and how to keep ourselves from going down that rabithole of feeling like you're crap even if you aren't? Thanks in advance for reading if you do and I love your videos. They've helped me grow a lot!
I do get bullied because roommate gets me going with neighbors so I have to ignore. I can't even believe no people friendly. I am too friendly and it's terrible.i want out but apt wait-list is horrible
I'm not sure if this is what's wrong with me but, I'm just terrified of it being my fault in a bad or any situation. But I also have conversations in my head with my family. that I would never have irl with them. Also sometimes feels like everyone looks down on me. And I do one thing wrong I'm kicked out or exiled. I'm what's wrong with me.
There are moments in life where if you get as much as half, it's still a pretty good deal. I'm reminded of this when I do lotto and I'm trying to win a million dollar prize. You think I'm gonna complain about getting $500,000 in place of nothing? Get real!
Giving yourself the gift of kindness and forgiveness helps you avoid the all or nothing thinking . It’s knowing that even if things don’t work out as planned, it’s going to be ok.
absolutely! Building that self trust is so so important.
Even though this thinking of all or nothing helped me in the past, at some point became a constant anxiety. It's a rigid type of thinking. I appreciate flexibility a lot more now.
Thoughts lead to thinking.
Understanding leads to knowing.
Try ignoring the thoughts, the anxiety will go away.
@@freshliving4199 I love your words of advice on ignoring the thoughts and Anxiety will go away, so I am going to start ignoring the thoughts. Thank you
Mental flexibility - YES! So important for our wellbeing.
I’m a Member of the Shift Society - great reminder this morning of perfectionism -Love Thursday Mornings when Julia provides a new video each week 💕
Hi fellow Shifter!
Debbie, thank you so much for making me aware of when these videos get posted. I am in the chef society also, and I am subscribe to her UA-cam page…… but for some unknown reason, I do not get notified when she post a new video. Thanks to you, I will now look for them on Thursdays.🌻🌻🌻
@@kin2him If you click on the bell icon, it should give you options to receive all notifications. 😀
Hi Shifter! Love having you here and there ❤️
It’s really nice to hear from folks in the society. I’ve often wondered about what happens in there 😀
I'm not crying, you're crying. Ok. This was needed. Thank you!
Julia, this talk has a transformational almost instantaneously) effect on me.
You are so incisive in the way you explain the trouble with our minds. Thank you so much. ❤
I can tell that you are a fantastic therapist because you have real presence and charisma and connect very well with viewers of your videos.... including this viewer.
As to this video's content, I have used all or nothing thinking in the past and almost always resulted in heartache. It is incredibly destructive.
So much rules for thinking... I just don't have enough cognitive capabilities to get along with all of them.
I was raised by a mother who had an all or nothing point of view about everything. Basically you were with her, did as she said, behaved as she expected or she kicked you to the curb. What always bothered me was Mom always preached that she loved us kids, but her expectations said otherwise. I've shared this with my therapist and she helped me to see through the lies.
thanks for sharing that, friend. I'm glad you've been able to work through some of this hurt.
Well Spoken Madame Kristina,
Carving out the nuances from the splintered remains seem not only perplexing, but a difficulty in which a lot of us have a hard seeing easily the difference between extremes and a "happy medium". As redundant and silly as it may seem, ordinary and dull have become harbors for reflection and insight. There are safeties and securities set in a consistent routine, as flexible as that routine may be, the continuity detracts. Basing and gauging ones expression and indifferences on bias doesn't allow for one to think and see clearly, you are in a sense being controlled, like being under an influence of a substance recklessly, and abandoning and endangering yourself and others along your path. That is extremes, "All or Nothing" 'in it to win it, my way or the highway'; there is room for measure or leisure for processing or even thinking to daydreaming. The creative ingenuity that takes precedent lies truly within, not against, it's something you become that reflects from the inside like a sweater being worn vs projecting where you want to be or who you "think" you are, if you are you are, just Be and eventually learn to get good, at least better.
Absolutely stunning video today, brilliant wording and educational.
Thank you for inspiring so many to become more well rounded vs utility of versions in self.
Thank you for teaching all the little details to come out of all or nothing thinking! Your explanation is very simple and easy to understand. The methods you tell us is very clear and easy to apply in everyday life. SO helpful! Pls keep making good videos like this. It means alot :)thank you♡
I dont consider myself a perfectionist but others say i am. I dont think i think in all or nothing ways , but you basically describe me. The part where if you make a mistake and condem yourself and your brain reminds you of all your past mistakes is me, often. This is not flattering talk, but your videos are just so reallife and so deep and raw compared to so many on utube. I continue to appreciate them week after week!
Thanks Julia, your videos are bright rays of sun 🌞 light in a dark and cloudy world 🌎.
really glad to have you here.
Thank you very much Julia for your selfless kindness to help all of us who watched. I just found your podcasts recently and they are very helpful. Thank you once again.
Hi Julia, this thinking has lead to not just anxiety, but anger which has affected my relationships with people all my life. I grew up with parents who shamed my brothers and me all the time, and when I saw this behavior in myself towards my own children, I went to therapy.
Drop the anger.
You become what you angry at.
You have become your mother.
Make senses?
This is one of my worst habits. Still working on not immediately jumping to all or nothing thoughts 😅
I hear you - it can be a tough habit to break, but I know you can do it.
@@juliakristinamah That means a lot, thank you so much for the kind words!
this was helpful. You shared a bit of the self talk i think i need to adopt. Thank you!
Julia Kristina, I just wanted to let you know that you are helping me a lot. I am able to deal better with anxiety. Your content is so valid. Cheers from Italia
That was really insightful. It happens for me from time to time that I want X to be perfect, or have none of it at all.
However, I was hoping you'd mention people who suffer from BPD/EUPD as black and white thinking is one of the major symptoms. And what I understand is that they (BPD) can watch this video all day long but they'll still not be able to let go of their all-or-nothing thinking or at least improve without professional help.
Julia…. Your life is a gift! Just gotta love you❣️This video is well put together and extremely helpful. Golda
Hello dear Golda! So glad you found this one helpful.
This is something I struggle with quite a lot, and I'm really hoping to become more aware of it so that I can minimize my anxiety. Thank you so much for this
You have really helped me become a better person. Thank you!
My
Name is Amy I'm 50 and a mother of 6 and a grandmother of 5 , I was diagnosed with this 3 years ago , I was in a Narcissistic Cult for 20 years. Pushed into from my 2nd husband, and this is taking me soo long to heal from this. Three councilor later I'm finally seeing things more clearly.
Thank you!!!! This is so insightful and helpful!!!
really glad it connected. thanks for being here.
Thank you
you are more than welcome
Thanks Julia! your videos help me a lot
Thank you so much Julia for this upload you are really doing a great job in us and in me particularly, indeed there's a time when I was caught into this very situation always feeling as if I'm a no body because of what I went through during my growth but thank God,I realized that my passed have not to define my future I stood in the mirror and told my self that I can be someone, I totally changed I'm a happy girl now.
This is a bad habit of mine, I suffer from this at times. It's definitely hard, I can be too hard on myself for making mistakes and feeling like I'm incompetent, and a screw up I'm society.
Don't forget that you deserve to be good to you.
Very timely Julia. Enjoyed as always!
#proudshifter
#seniorshifter
The less we expect from others the better
For me I’d say that my life is about 90% all or nothing thinking since I was 9 yrs old.
When my mom died it was “all” yeah i saved my mom and I’m a good person or “nothing” I didn’t save her and I’m a worthless failure.
That one moment is that what my brain brings up as proof when I want to try to do something with my life.
I’m a perfectionist and it hurts me physically and mentally with this all or nothing thinking.
I’ve wanted to start a UA-cam gaming channel for about a year, but I can’t even get settled with my channel name. It’s got to be all good or nothing will happen.
I literally have a page of names that I look at and when I just can’t pick out a name for my channel, I either play a boxing game on my quest 2 till I fall asleep or I cry until I fall asleep. And don’t even get me started on channel art.
I have a feeling these All or Nothing thinking, Perfectionism and People-Pleasing Behavior are all inter-related. Would you agree, Julia? 😊
Thank you for helping us 🙏🏼
It's my privilege. Glad you're here.
@@juliakristinamah 😊 it very much helped. You have no idea. So much I'm going to listen to it now again 1st thing in the morning.
@@juliakristinamah it's my bday and I have to come back to this video. It helps so much. It's now a "go-to" thank you again and Happy Easter 😊
Wow thanks!
You're welcome. Glad you're here!
#seniorshifter thank you Julia! 😊
Someone recently told me that nothing ever goes right for her, her entire life is a failure, nothing ever gets better, and link my not being ready to take her to the mall before dark to her abusive childhood.
She hadn't told me that getting to the mall before dark was important to her, or I'd have made it happen.
All-or-nothing thinking can make people say really weird things sometimes.
I do this because I self sabotage when I’m stuck...I don’t do certain things because I know the outcome
I say all those phrases or terms at least every day or every other
Hello all
Que from Florida new to the community
I hope you all are well
Hello! Welcome here. Really glad to have you.
Great topic and presentation! I would add- how about believing that things are in a certain way and if it turns out to be something else, to not get discouraged or defeated but instead to realize that things might still be as you saw them initially but not in this phase of life, but not yet in other words. It's good to go beyond and even against whatever you hear from the outside world as long as how you perceive everything is aligned with your deep heart. I also have a similar content video on "not feeling good enough" on my channel, if you want to check it out. Hope this brings some clarity!
Your awesome 👌
Always think everyone hates me. I have anger. Need to get out of relationship. Feel like he loves me but loud voice and control. No self esteem talk negative. Complain.
There’s a question I asked myself a while ago and I’m hoping you (or someone) might be able to provide an answer to.
The question is: is it normal for someone to want to feel worse than they already do?
For whatever reason, I gain a sense of comfort when I feel like I’m in a low state of mind, but it’s not enough so I wish it was worse.
Idk. I heard or read somewhere that we could be addicted to the chemicals the feeling produce.
I need to learn how to be gentle with myself... 😭!!
Customers have called me a PERFECTIONIST. I thanked them, but told myself that it was likely customer-driven, and that I produced high quality because they would have picked at even the tiniest flaw.
This was helpful over the years for my state of mind. People can be highly critical. PERFECTIONIST was not a compliment in my mind. 😁
This is our culture at the high end.
At age 51 I began to produce much more artistic work. Art requires flaws. 😁
The work was beautiful but more difficult to find customers.
Truth. I have a channel with a couple examples.
♡♡ So Much Safer ♡♡
Graciousness
Great
Memphis is here
I have this problem especially with my diet. If I try really hard with my diet, and then I do one wrong thing, like eat a piece of candy, then in my mind I completely failed and wasn’t healthy and everything goes out the window
But what if someone does "always" treat you a certain way. I mean there are people who do treat people like garbage and it's time to get rid of them but if you don't see it for what it is, always, then you keep toxic people around you.
This thinking caused me to give up a hobby I loved.. sad 😭!
Nice video. Good points. And then I'm glad you stopped tossing your hair as much as you did at one point. This makes the videos much more enjoyable to watch, and focusing on the content becomes easier.
Well, all I can say is somebody's been reading my diary. How do even know where I live?
Hi Coach!
And All or Nothing can also over lap with Overgeneralization distorted thoughts. Maybe even Mental Filter...or Shoulding...so many can overlap!
These are so important to recognize and catch these types of thoughts. It helps to change the thoughts afterwards.
To anyone reading this, remember you are worthy and valued. ❤
#Shifter #seniorshifter #shiftsociety
Hi Julia,
I don't know if you'll ever see this or if this comment will be lost because I know you probably get a lot of comments on your vidz from other people as well but how do you deal with close family members who verbally attack you. I know it isn't personaland I've been telling myself that and I realized that it is because I feel that I need their approval even though I don't but it still feels that I did something wrong. May you make a video on how to deal with personal attacks from toxic family members and how to keep ourselves from going down that rabithole of feeling like you're crap even if you aren't? Thanks in advance for reading if you do and I love your videos. They've helped me grow a lot!
I do get bullied because roommate gets me going with neighbors so I have to ignore. I can't even believe no people friendly. I am too friendly and it's terrible.i want out but apt wait-list is horrible
All or nothing thinking
. Me in a nutshell.
I'm not sure if this is what's wrong with me but, I'm just terrified of it being my fault in a bad or any situation. But I also have conversations in my head with my family. that I would never have irl with them. Also sometimes feels like everyone looks down on me. And I do one thing wrong I'm kicked out or exiled. I'm what's wrong with me.
There are moments in life where if you get as much as half, it's still a pretty good deal. I'm reminded of this when I do lotto and I'm trying to win a million dollar prize. You think I'm gonna complain about getting $500,000 in place of nothing? Get real!
If you ever have kids they will be so lucky
Good morning sweetie 😘 💕
💯
Why cant we just mention who we are directing this to?
Hello
All or nothing thinking makes me feel like a broken record or a hamster on the running wheel if you know what I mean!
All of that are probably remnants ofa bad chinldhood