My dad started chipping away at my mother's 50-year-long hoarding "collection" once they started living in separate houses (she filled one large house and then moved and started filling her house). He got rid of entire rooms worth of junk before he passed away. My mother was livid when she saw state of house that he worked for years cleaning up and maintaining and started accusing one of her children of stealing, as if her useless hoard was somehow valuable or even usable. Don't leave your junk for someone else to deal with
Hoarding is often a mental illness or a symptom of dementia. My mother had begun to save everything in her cramped apartment when I had to admit her to a memory care unit (Alzheimers). The job of cleaning out her apartment took me so many days of backbreaking labor.... I had to throw away so much STUFF. I filled two dumpsters with things that weren't worth taking to the thrift store.
Hoarding is 100% a mental illness. Most hoarders will actually use this as an excuse to not do anything to declutter. They must go to long term counseling. I have trouble having sympathy with people who won't seek help for their problem and then leave it for their children to deal with...horrible to do that to your kids!
@@intherockies It's really not that much of a problem. You see, their kids are not going to have the same emotional attachment to that stuff as they had - so, the kids will indiscriminately sell, give, or throw away the vast majority of it, after looking for anything of significant value.
@@therosarylady I agree. We don't know if this is a true case of clinical hoarding---or if it was just a lonely lady having fun blowing her money on knick-knacks because loved them and it was fun for her. My own Mom became convinced, in her retirement, that those Collector Plates were going to sky rocket in value---and she LOVED collecting a variety of them for about 15+ years. My brother, sister, and I all helped clean out her living space once she passed away. It was a huge job, and really, it took me YEARS to either bequeath, sell, or just let go of those various plate sets! But, I did so with prayers----giving thanks to my Mom for all she did for me as a child, and did my utmost to Honor her memory while also letting go. I didn't want MY kids to also be stuck with my Mom's left-overs from her life. My Mom was not a "hoarder" however. She kept things organized and eventually, when her storage shelves were full, she quit buying them. I don't resent her having that as her hobby and passtime while retired.
My Mom died at 94. Her whole life she said, “I don’t want to go to a nursing home”. By 90 she could no longer function at home. We looked at the many nursing homes in the area and settled on assisted living. She was hesitant but ended up loving it. No more loneliness, difficulty keeping up a house or yard and now had a choice to eat in her apartment or go to the dining room. I cannot count how many times she thanked me for helping her get there. My sisters who lived near her stayed in touch often which helped her immensely while the rest of us stayed in touch by phone. I regret not calling her more often though. When our lives are very busy it helps to remember that theirs is not, so make time for them!
I'm 52 and work in home health. .. I look forward to going to a nursing home where I will finally get to relax. And there will always be people to talk to!
❤ My Mother did not want to go to a nursing home either. So when she was too sick to live by herself, we took her home to live with us. And it was the greatest thing we have EVER done in our lives, next to God and having Children 😊 She was SUCH A BLESSING in our lives ❤v
My parents were killed by a drunk driver three years ago. As an only child, I had to shoulder everything by myself. It was incredibly hard to do “all the things” that comes with the passing of a loved one (twice in my case), and be overwhelmed with grief. If you only have one child, please be mindful of him/her, and what you leave behind for them to deal with.
My sister passed away in December 2023. She had money locked away in a retirement fund through the school district she taught at. She was never able to use the money she worked so hard for. She was only 60 years old. I told her to quit her job many times and live off the money when her health started to fail, but she didn't listen to me. I miss her.😢
When my daughter told me that none of the kids wanted my stuff and that they would have to bring in a big dumpster it kind of hurt my feelings. But it's true. My things are precious only to me and would be a burden to them. So after some thought I had a plan. Invite the entire family (it's a big one) to come and help themselves. Heck invite the neighbors too. And their friends from church. Any and everybody. Be sure they bring pickups and trailers. Tell them they are free to take any and everything they want. Don't care if they use it or sell it or donate it. Take it all. The kids can buy a keg of beer and put on the coffee pot and enjoy visiting with everyone. They can swap stories about me and my treasures can find a new home. And the kids won't have to physically empty the house. Now that scenario makes me smile. I enjoy spending my money on things I realize they don't want but it's fun to get a package in the mail. And I'm going to keep on doing it. And they might still need a small dumpster.
Oh my, I have the opposite problem. I don’t want to let go of anything my parents had personally. Our family, their families, photos, bills, checks, receipts, nothing. I keep finding more stuff beyond the many things I personally perused all my life, and have to keep gathering them all together! Plus we have lots of things from 2 of my uncles whose estates we mostly took care of. I am so nostalgic and also love history and knowing every detail.
Only 3 months ago, my husband died at 59 just shy of our birthdays, anniversary and now the Holidays. I’ve had to shred 10 yrs of cancer related paperwork. Got rid of his clothes but the hardest thing is the drums that he loved playing. He was broke financially and only $1,200 in bank they said he didn’t even have me as beneficiary? Nothing was in order. Now waiting for his brother to come get his stuff. I thought settling my Mom’s estate with a reverse mortgage was hard but this is even harder. Now updating my will to a Lady Bird deed and declutter Every Day cause I can’t stand it having so much Junk!! Plz pray 🙏🏼 for me 😁
My brothers and I had a clear out for our dad when he was dying of cancer. He was pleased with how tidy it was after. Once he was gone my mother went even harder and had a proper clear out. I think she found it really cathartic. She still has plenty of stuff, but she no longer has unused bedrooms full of useless crap.
Thank you for this 😊. You had a healthy view of how to deal with loss and I appreciate it. I want to do this for my children so someday when I am gone they won't be further saddened (and angered) by needing to deal with what I may have left undone. I'm going to have to get on that 😅.
So true, great advice. My parents died 4 months apart and had a house full of stuff. It was tough on us kids and eventually caused family dissension. I’ve have downsized and am planning on getting all my vital paperwork into a binder for my children. I’m 70 and in good health.
1. I am much order than you. 2. Spend the money when you are healthy. My late wife and I quit our jobs at age 30 and went around the world for a year. Why? My mother worked and said when she was dying that the next wife would take the trip to Europe that she had wanted. Actually step-moms one and two went on that money. 3. Actually downsize: a. the photos, the videos went onto usb keys. b. the wall plaques had photos taken and put on usb keys - thrown out. c. business forms/records - gone d. four major donations of items within the last year - and still more to get rid of. 3. Living trust and will revised in the last year; beneficiaries checked, copies of the passwords and contact lists made; plain language letter written about things that would not jump out at someone reading dry documents. 4. Ongoing arrangements keep things repaired and clean at home. 80 years of observing relatives and friends.
A lot of common sense, yeah but . . ."Easier Said than Done." I've seen my share of these situations including both of my parents, the parents of close friends & co-workers, and 2 neighbors - - 1 of which left everything to me. Only 1 person out of all of them proactively got ALL of their affairs in order. She shopped around for an assisted living place (ON HER OWN via taxicabs) and secured her spot. She gave her car to a grandson and gifted everything else to family members who'd expressed an interest in various items. The only exceptions were her bedroom set, TV, and personal effects. She told me that she was doing it now so her kids wouldn't have to later. No surprise, because everything about her & her house, yards, etc. neat and orderly. Unfortunately, this was not the neighbor who left all their worldly possessions to me. Those neighbors were depression era "save everything" type, from rubber bands to Friskies Cat Food Coupons, living in the same house from 1951 to 2000, One of my 2 boys, in their mid teens at the time, said, "Mom, start throwing stuff away now, so we won't have to go thru this when u die." I TOTALLY AGREED. The orderly neighbor passed a few years later, so I truly saw both extremes, plus my parents who were somewhere in-between. I knew which example I WOULD FOLLOW. Fastfwd 24 years: What's left of the neighbor's stuff, my parents' stuff, renters' stuff, my kids's stored stuff (who are now approaching 40) and my own stuff, including past roommates' leftover stuff . . . all resides with me now. Despite all the resolve I had at 40, all this "stuff" accumulated over the 24 years since then. Not quite earning an episode on "Hoarders of America," but it may soon! Just like the resolve I had at 40 has waned, so has my energy level and agility. I'm not exactly zipping up and down the ladder to the attic with boxes of Christmas decorations these days . . . nor Halloween . . . or 4th of July. 😊
Scan them into a thumb drive. You can give albums to relatives. Save a few (1 in 20) in a physical album. My dad saw the world through a camera lens. Unfortunately, he wasn't great at photography.
Yes, my Mom had two large trunks full of photos as well as several big cardboard boxes. None of it sorted. In the end, the photos weighed several times what she did 😞
“Spend more of your money”… now that’s a tricky thing. Will you need the money in later life to try to get alternative treatments? Will you need the money to have someone come in and care for you in your own home? We don’t know what the future brings and having money ahead obviously gives us options. As someone who eats mostly meat and very little carbohydrates, the thought of going to an assisted-living or a nursing home is not something I would consider. The food they prepare goes by the Canada food guide, which is an appallingly unhealthy way to eat. I thought it was a very wise thing when my brother told me that you should spend most of your money during the beginning of your retirement. That is when our health is the best. That is when I was travelling the most and when I was spending the money to set up my home so that I could, in the future, live on one floor. When you own your own home, the cost of yard maintenance and maid services are a pittance compared to what it costs in a nursing home.
One point about taking someone with you to the doctor. Doctors find it much more difficult to be dismissive when they have two (or more!) people in front of them. It is inevitable that they will pay more attention and try harder to do a good job. (I worked in medicine for 42 years- 37 years as a Family Physician)
I live in Canada, and according to our laws, we can record whatever session we want with our doctors. It is also legal for us to do it without the doctor’s knowledge. As I always record my sessions with my NATUROPATH, I was shocked to learn that my doctor was not OK with my recording our sessions. This is my health we are talking about and for some reason, I am not allowed to have a record of what was said. I always like to go over the session so that I remember everything. Ever since then I have been recording my doctor without their knowledge. The only reason I can see that they would not be OK with that is because they want to cover their butt! I don’t record so that I have a way of suing them, I record so that I can understand their point of view and research it. Gone are the days when doctors were gods.
I’m in the US, doctors let me suffer for twelve years with hundreds of holes in the lining of my bladder, with urine leaking into surrounding tissues. It’s called Interstitial Cystitis. I was in so much pain but had to refuse pain medication so that they wouldn’t label me as “drug seeking”. About half way thru the 12 year ordeal I almost let my appendix burst at home because I was used to that amount of pain in my right side and so tired of the gaslighting of ER doctors. I saw the same two doctors an internist and an ob/gyn for twenty-five years, they knew me and did nothing but keep ruling out the same few “female” issues over and over while I wasn’t able to work or spend any time with friends , now I’ve had long covid (diagnosed with brain lesions, swollen spinal cord, disautonomia/POTS, etc etc) for 4 1/2 years. I don’t seek medical advice anymore, I can do better o my own.
VERY important. And never let the patient just be stoic and tough it out. Be forthright about your pain, and share ALL your symptoms, at once, with your doctor, to help the doctor solve the puzzle and find the root cause of the troubles.
My spouse died a little over 3 years ago and I am just now starting to go through personal items to sort, discard, or donate. What you said about this being emotionally draining is SO true. I found that if I don’t do this in bite size portions I either start throwing everything away or keep everything.
My dad just turned 80. He's been going through his house, getting rid of things. He asked me what I want to keep. When I visit him I see empty shelves.
Just lost my dad who was 94 with my mom having passed many years ago. Yep he had three floors of stuff although his home appeared neat and clean every closet, attic and cabinet was stuffed with stuff. Both my sister and I are retired and are local so we are getting it done but this process has taught me a lesson. Our depression era parents didn't throw anything away but what will be our excuse? I am not sure what it will be but I instead think I will take this opportunity to declutter my own home and start making some of those positive decisions which will make our retirement life better and our kids lives better as well.
My husband and I are retired and can buy what we want to live comfortably and well. But we get no pleasure from spending. Our needs are modest. We appreciate what we have. And I hope that our children who inherit from us don’t waste money either. Think carefully about what is important to you and fund that. Or, better yet, enjoy the things in life that cost nothing. To say someone is “underspending” seems absurd to me. “Underliving” might be more to the point.
Very nice comment my life is like yours...simple life give me joy..i have way more money than i need, material things and grand vacations dont impress me...joy love..peace ..harmany do impress me!!!
These are such important tips, at 84 and 86 .. that's how it is. Spend time with the "oldies" ask them questions about family stories and relatives in your family tree etc NOW while you can before we are gone. As for us we need to let them know just how much we loved them and apologise if we were not the parents they needed. ❤❤❤
That's what I did 2 years before my dad died. I got a memory book and asked him questions about his life and his family tree. I am so glad that I did that. My mom is still alive and I did the same thing for her. I have so many stories about her life.
I’ve been getting rid of stuff for a long time and yes it is hard but I tell myself it’s better than leaving the hard work to my children. I’d like to be down to a few boxes if that.
I'm in the middle of downsizing also. I only have a 1000 sq ft home, but I am easily overwhelmed. ❤ And you're right, I don't want to leave a mess for my kids either.😊
There are advantages to downsizing early, like as soon as the kids leave for college. It is HARD WORK. We did it in our late 50s. I have several women friends who stayed in the big family home until they lost their spouse. At that stage it is a physically and emotionally daunting task to move out. By moving early, if I do lose my spouse, I am already in a safe place appropriate for my age plus will have had many years of memories with my spouse in the home I will remain in. I find that comforting. It was also a smart move financially, and has made traveling much easier.
Great advice! We had to clean out two homes for my folks and husbands parents no one wanted their antiquated items we tried garage sales, gave what we could for donations but most went into several large dumpsters. I can say that because my dad saved all his money he is in one of the finest assisted living facilities it feels like he’s at a Hilton. We are still sorting through boxes and boxes of pictures and albums that we will be copying and giving to family. Parents don’t realize that our taste in style is not usually the same as theirs and most kids already have established their own things. I have never liked two story homes it’s just so much easier to be on one level.
Turns out we bought our last house first. It's a ranch style home, it has 3 beds 2 baths and laundry on the main level. I've been decluttering and donating what we no longer use or need. I've been digitize all family photos. It's in a location with a abundance of doctors and hospitals. Close to all kinds of shops and restaurants. Feeling blessed
When my grandmother downsized, she made 6 collections of things for her 6 kids: baking ware, dishes, pots and pans, handmade quilts pots and pans, etc. Then invited all of them. They drew a number and made a game of it, choosing which things they got, trading around. It was a time of reminiscing, great laughter and joy.
My in-laws never planned for anything now it’s on the kids ! My wife spends two and three days a week taking care of them for the last two years. I’ve recently retired and it’s really put a lot of resentment in my heart!
Wow! Resentment over that? Count your blessings. How should I feel at 58 yrs old, divorced, no-kids, having been a live-in carer for my stroke-affected wheelchair bound narcissist father and my poor sweet mother, who was dad's 24/7 personal carer for 10 years? I did everything for them for 11 years since I moved back home in 2013 due to job loss. My mother gave her life for dad, literally - she died a month ago aged 77 (after 7 months of chemo for ovarian cancer) whilst my dad went into aged care during her treatment and still resents her for having died. He's still ungrateful for all the care I have put in over all these years and greets me when I visit every few days with contempt and self pity.
Same with my in-laws. Their house was crammed with stuff. My SIL got so angry when she found out there was VERY little we wanted to keep. She couldn't take any of it with her because she lives in another state. She guilted my husband into renting a u-haul to bring the (mostly) junk home with us. We waited for her to go back home and shipped some things to her and then we got rid of 95% of it. It was all very stressful and it's made me determined to go through our home and do some serious editing.
I'm so sorry. Her parents made a mistake that has affected their daughter and you. Everyone makes mistakes though so try to give some grace. Remember this is her parents that she loves deeply. I know it has to be very hard for you and her. The fact that you are watching a UA-cam video about how to do better for your end of life is to be commended.
I was so accustomed to living very frugally and saving and investing aggressively that my CPA finally put things in perspective for me and encouraged me to spend money on myself. Going back to my youth, there's a reason why I feared running out of money. With zero debt and an eight-figure net worth, I now feel like I can splurge on a few things (new vehicle, travel). I also make significant financial gifts to worthy non-profit organizations every year.
This was very timely for me. We just discovered that my mom has amassed an incredible amount of debt and recently signed a debt consolidation loan. We are now involved and trying to unravel the mess. She has basically put herself in a very tenuous situation. We will certainly help her but it puts a burden both emotionally and financially on everyone. Ask questions, pay attention and know that bad decisions effect the whole family.
Absolutely recommend having an intelligent, assertive person (preferably adult child) attend medical appointments. Both my parents indirectly died from medical errors. One issue is simply lack attention by doctors; my mother received medication for several years while she had a condition that the doctor hadn't tested for which counter indicated the medication. Some doctors identify issues but fail to follow up on them. And many doctors are ageist, discounting the lives and wellbeing of older adults. Sometimes strong advocacy is needed!
I am sorry for your experience. It must occur more often than we think and doing our due diligence, trusting no one and getting second opinions are vital. Both my parents suffered medical errors. My mother unfortunately experienced several and died as a result. The moral injury and guilt for me are deep and profound and will never go away.
Hugely beneficial content. Speaking as someone who recently experienced a lot of these points, definitely write these down and help your parents and loved ones plan properly. 🙏🏻
My last living parent my mother, died of cancer about 5-years ago. Years prior to her illness, she followed Step #2, Step #3, and Step #4. Both my sister and, I had full access to most of her savings account funds in the bank. Also, upon hearing of her illness she "quick claim" deeded her townhome to both of us (which, saved my sister and, myself from having to pay any inheritance taxes on this property). In addition, about 5-years earlier my mother had moved from our childhood 2-story 4-bedroom home, to a band new 1-story 2-bedroom townhouse (smile ... smile).
Yes, sorry for your loss. For others, inheritance tax is Federal but also state specific. Unless her estate was substantial there would be no inheritance tax in most cases. Quit claim deeds can also trigger other tax issues & reporting requirements, so be aware of what you are doing
Excellent advice on all points! Just went through most of these issues with my mom who recently passed away. My mom never threw away any document. We’re talking electricity bills from the 1980’s…boxes and boxes of this stuff. We carted so many things to our neighborhood Goodwill that they turned us away and sent us to a bigger location. But she was so attached to everything that getting her to give it away to anyone except her children and grandchildren (who wanted very little of it) was impossible. Concerning stairs, it is extremely difficult to get many seniors to agree to leave their home. My husband’s mom is 93, has poor eyesight and declining mobility due to arthritis. I see a battle looming when she is no longer able to manage the three steps to get in an out of her home. She hates the idea of a retirement home. And lastly, as someone who lives in a city with the number one cancer center in the world, yes, don’t just go to your suburban hospital when you have a world-class facility twenty minutes farther away! Get the highest quality care you can.
This video was very informative. My younger brother is the executor to my parent's estate. I'm 52, and my brothers and I have quite a bit to sort through when one or both of my parents pass. This process is a good reminder to get my own estate in order since each one of us will be receiving a considerable amount. Not knowing what that distribution looks like creates a bit of stress. As you mentioned, helping our own children while we are alive is one of the best opportunities to bond and experience that joy and relief they might feel. It can shape their decisions and life choices.
I have no children of my own, so my estate will be dealt with by my niece and nephew who don't really know me. My partner's parents passed within 8 weeks of each other, and clearing their home was a wakeup call for me and made me look at my own stuff. I keep my will updated, home and finance files in order, ideas for my funeral current etc etc,and will do my utmost not to leave them a houseful of junk to deal with! It's only fair - they will have enough to deal with.
If you're gonna leave behind a pile of stuff, at least leave a pile of money so the person who inherits that stuff has the resources to deal with it. I'm an only child, and when my father died, it fell to me to deal with his stuff. I was so thankful that, not only did he downsize quite a bit in his later years, he also left me the financial resources to deal with everything else. The way I look at it is, if you're going to leave someone a job, at least leave them a commensurate paycheck to get that job done.
I agree, I’m seriously thinking of having an estate sale for my daddy’s 2 sheds full of tools etc etc and his furniture in his trailer. I dread the thought of doing a yard sale 🤦♀️
Wow. Wow. Wow. You have delivered the single best retirement video I have ever watched … and I’ve watched A LOT of videos. Every single item one your list was spot on, but the “clutter” and “stairs” items really hit home. In our case *I’m* the pack rat, and I don’t want to impose that on heirs. Un-clutter starts today. The other item is stairs. Our home in Northern California is one floor, but entry requires climbing a full flight of deck stairs. We thought that we’d stay here but will now start to consider moving or the option to install an elevator. Thanks for your insight.
I have stress about this because we have collected a lot in our large house. My girlfriend recently lost her parents. They hired an estate sale company to take care of it. Everything was gone. Even old piles of bricks in the yard! I will try to donate unused items now, and pass on anything they ask for while we’re living. But I’m not sure how much to get rid of in my 60s, with potentially another two decades of enjoying my dishes and possibly needing that second blender …;)
Just make decluttering part of your daily routine. If I come across something I can’t remember when the last time I used it, I just donate or throw it away. I plan can create scrap books of photos for each of my children. I don’t want them to have to go through all my stuff when I am gone. Life is so much better with less stuff!
We're not downsizing, my grandfather dug the garden and rode a bicycle into his 90s and I intend to do the same, in fact I'm making fresh garden plans. My husband is 80 with chronic health issues and twenty years ago he was told he would be in a wheelchair within three years, but he's still on his feet, just. No need to part with things you love, just donate spare, enjoy the stuff you've worked for.
My mother did the Swedish Death Cleaning before it was a thing. Only the best of her things remained and her family history. Yes. It made clearing her home a snap but I didn’t get the chance to mourn and laugh while clearing away her life. I did kind of miss that. Our clearing of her life took less than a day. It was too efficient in an odd way.
Great talk. I'm single/lost my 2 kids. First, make sure you HAVE a current Will, Power of Attorney and Health Directive and make it known where to find it. I have an ICE (in case of emergency) file on my frig with contact and health info. I made my bank the Power of Attorney and Executor of my estate. My siblings have my health directive, which is not ideal but not much choice. The bank can't handle that. Even if you have kids, they may live far away or are not be capable or just too busy. Closing an estate is a Executor is a TON of work. Appointing the bank means I can move anywhere (Canadian banks are national, not fragmented like they are generally in the US). Also, I don't have to worry about a lawyer or accountant retiring. Yes, it costs but brings peace of mind. I'm clearing out my house after recently retiring and that will be an ongoing process.
Thank you for this good information. In addition to your advice about under spending I'd add this; Use some of your 'old age funds' to get alternative health care. The 'conventional medical advice' is not intended to actually be helpful nor healthful. It is designed to provide *long term profit* to the establishment medical businesses. There are arguably better choices available, particularly for seniors. Many health issues can be resolved but *not* by 'conventional medical practices'. At 69 I've seen too many spend their last years and their remaining funds on so-called 'medical care' that *only* treats symptoms! Both my parents suffered with this. There are real solutions but we *must* actively seek to find them. Otherwise 'medical care' becomes a 'good money after bad' endeavor.
I had put all of our photos into albums a few years back…..and made copies of the most memorable ones, or of the ancestors, and made extra albums of copies for each son. It was quite the job, getting more copies from old aunts, cousins out of state, and genealogy stories too. These were quite appreciated by my sons. I personally feel that the ONE thing that is good to pass along, are family photos-that have been organized, with names and dates on the backs……and family history. Other than that, they can do what they want with all of the rest of my stuff. We’re ‘thinning’ things out now. Trying to get things organized and easier to garage sale, or give away/donate, when the time comes.
That's great, yet that's Your perception of what someone else would want or find valuable. Personally, I don't care for lots of photos; even though I have lived around the world, it's not a big deal to me. Expecting someone else to appreciate is a heavy burden; I have valuable items (to me) which are worth more to me than money; I can't expect anyone else to enjoy these items beyond what their monetary value is when I pass. When someone says "when the time comes"....umm... that means you are procrastinating and that task will be put upon your kids.
@@SamStone1964 My beloved father in law did this but I was divorced before I could view anything. His son/my ex husband blocked me from everything. I would advise if you're going to make everything virtual or entrust only certain people, think about who that would include or exclude. I would Not trust this ancestry bull crap
Something you failed to mention when you suggest spending money on your kids now/giving them their inheritance early: IF you do this, then need Medicaid to help with nursing home or healthcare costs, there is a 5 year look-back. This means that if you gave cash or perhaps signed over the deed to your house, or other assets, less than 5 years before the need for Medicaid became necessary, Medicaid WILL make them give those assets back to pay for their parent's healthcare cost. That may mean handing over the house or repaying money they've already spent. If you have an abundance of assets and envision providing your children with an inheritance, either now, or after you pass, absolutely seek out an elder law attorney to help you get your ducks in a row early, EARLY, while you're in good health and have no cognitive decline or signs of dementia that could land you in a nursing home. None of us has a crystal ball. We cannot predict when an accident or sudden onset of serious illness will occur. Pre-planning is key. Do this now, while you are able to direct your assets in the way that you've always envisioned it to be.
I was diagnosed with cancer at 45. After recovery we had a new perspective, without going into debt, if we really wanted to do something we did it. There's no guarantees that tomorrow's going to be there.
*sigh* ive been begging my older-than-me husband to start doing all these things, especially turning loose of stuff. its a battle. im basically resigned to the fact that i will be spending my days dealing with all this stuff rather than dealing with processing grief. we also don't have kids to go to appointments with us or to understand everything that needs to happen when we die or decline. im shouldering so much on my own now, and its so daunting.
I feel your sigh. My husband is 69 and has been diagnosed with early onset cognitive dementia. We live in NC and I have told him we NEED to move back to NY to be closer to family and friends. Not so that they can help me care for him, but so that I have a social network. I have been slowly decluttering and this upsets him greatly as he sees value in everything that we own. We "might use it some day". I want simplicity right now in my life as do you. It will bring you so much peace to just know that these decisions have been made. I keep a garbage bag in my closet and throw things in there as I find them. Some go directly into the garbage, others I sneak out and give to Goodwill. Good luck!
Take a trusted friend with you. Ask for a summary of your visit. One of my mother's providers did this, and it was very helpful afterward to have for reviewing.
My parents refused to update the bathroom and get rid of the carpeting when they were able (there are hardwood floors underneath). Money was not their issue they just didn’t want to deal with the mess and aggravation. In their last years they couldn’t roll a wheelchair on the carpets and the bathrooms were not accessible. They both had to go to assisted living and nursing homes. Make those updates while you can.
Having too much money at the end of life changed my perspective quite a bit after I first heard of this problem in the book “Die With Zero”. It’s something I never thought about. I’m mid-40s and have done well in life. So I’ve started to spend more on my family which I didn’t do before as much. I have no wife and kids (which I always wanted), so I had been saving and saving and saving for that situation. But I accept it won’t happen now at this age. Hence I’m now more generous with my nieces / parents / sister / brother.
Woah, woah, woah. I have a male friend who didn’t get married until he was 50. He’s now 55 and has a 3 year old and a lovely 43 year old wife. Everything in life doesn’t always work out but don’t completely write off that dream. There are soooo many others who share it and want to find that life partner. Fingers crossed for you.
You never know…. my husband walked out and my new husband’s wife passed away at age 56. We met and married at 60 & 63 and have been married now for 10 years! We are still strong and healthy and enjoying life.
@@sarahrosen4985 Sarah, there are many nice men looking for a wonderful wife. The best way to find your true partner is to ask The Lord to bring him into your path. Be truly happy as yourself, thankful for your blessings. Your serenity will draw the right one to you. I have seen this happen many times. Have faith that you deserve love.
You are still young. My brother got married at 54, had a daughter at 55 and a son at 60. He and his wife are very happy. If he can find love late, so can you.
Such valuable information, thank you for sharing. I'm going through this process now as principal caregiver for my 96 year old dad. Who did that beautiful painting behind you? So very interesting.
I think if you have collections of things,ask if anyone wants it, and if not figure out where family can dispose of it, and tell them NO GUILT about getting rid of my stuff. I cleaned out my mom’s home when she got sick and died quickly , she had not gone through anything. It was so hard to figure out what had value and why on earth she kept some of it. I’ve been going through my stuff with serious intentions to get it down to only what I enjoy now and look in every box and find a home for stuff I don’t use. Great advice leaned from your experience, thank you!!
I keep telling my wife we need to move from this split-level home with stairs everywhere. But she keeps saying, they are good for us, keeps our legs strong. I think she has a point, at least for a while.
There are safer ways to keep strength by lifting light weights, walking or exercise machines. Avoid the habit of leaving stuff on the stairs to "take up later". Remove tripping hazards.
No doubt my mother is stronger because of her two flights of stairs for 40 years but we did put in those chair lifts…..my mom now uses them to carry up items too heavy to carry.
My husband kept opening savings accounts to collect the joining fee. After his death we had to contact about 20 building societies to check if all these accounts were closed or empty.
How to Die Well: 1. Spend more of your money to enjoy life * Don’t Wait b4 health problems *Ask the right questions get projections,suggestions? *Give more to see others benefit & strengthen relationships with wisdom & quality time. 2. Clean through the clutter 3. Open up financial books -be transparent - start small -share account information -Check & double & triple check that all documents are correct 4. Get rid of stairs -Unwanted and unneeded -painful or dangerous -move if necessary 5. Monitor slowing cognitive abilities -Get medical assessment early -chooses expertise over convenience
Some really good advice. My girlfriend has dementia and getting her daughter involved with medical has helped. I am in the process of trying to get her daughters help with her mothers storage unit. Power of attorney for both medical and financial has been done. Financial was filed at the courthouse. That took over 6 months. I had a hard time convincing and getting everyone on the same page. Mothers car title joint rights of ownership has been done also for her daughter. One thing at a time. Good advice on your video.
Both of my parents died at 67 (my mother two years after my father) after both of them suffering health issues. I have already semi retired at 54. I can afford to fully retire but I just don't as it gives me a reason to get out of bed. There is a very good chance that I will die with large sums of money left over. Though I would love to be in a relationship I'm autistic and people just find me really creepy and they avoid me like the plague. Oh I could flash money around but all that will happen is I will attract gold diggers and they will do anything and everything that they can to separate me from my money. I'm not so stupid to know that if someone wants to be around me it's not because they like me as a person.
You are talking about families who are healthy and who aren't given to (or led by) hostilities, derangements, cynicism, greed, mistrust, enduring and smouldering resentments, and selfishness. When the leader of the family is a godless, sadistic, bully, and the wealth in question is steeped in corruption, the best policy is to have the attitude that I'm not in the "claimant pool" and not to ever make the mistake of building my life around the expectation of a "distribution." This attitude has been a game-changer for me. I've been able to approach family members that I love with kindness, cheer, and the intention to bless them, regardless of how they have treated me. Ironically, this sometimes makes it hard for me but I'm at peace. I am following the examples set by Christ, reminding myself that forgiveness is a gift and a discipline of persistence. I watch siblings and their offspring war among each other in diabolical ways, forfeiting their self-respect, and clinging to the coffin-edges of the seniors, and it saddens me. God has blessed you with a healthy legacy and good and gentle hearts. Thank you for your example that there are good people in this world who are teaching their children well.
My mother died. My trustee sister stole my mothers valuables then MY things (after i got rid of half/packed to move after caring for mom!). Police said i couldn't "prove" she stole everything. She then attempted to steal the entire inheritance, but a real estate attorney redirected her to her fidicuary obligation to Trust document(!) Advice: Foremost, be ready for that dominent/greedy sibling, mourn later
@SECURiMENTWealthMGMT Reality. Some families are psych-O. Hope someone else can be spared: If you have a bad sibling today, it will amplify at parents death tomorrow, be warned And yes God is good*
Be careful. If you are around a family nest of narcissists, they will still try to harm you no matter how forgiving and kind you may be. The kindness will be seen as fake. It's best to stay forgiving at a distance if you can't go full no contact.
@@minoozolala Note: The nest died; the remaining Narc participant is in declining health. God balances things out dcentually. Getting out alive is remarkable
My mom and step-dad are in the situation where they can't spend anymore due to illness. it's really sad. They will leave an estate but did not enjoy their money.
Glad I found you. You gave me some new perspectives. Thank you!nI look forward to exploring what you've posted. (81 this month and still feel so like I'm waiting to grow up! lol)
This terrifies me. My husband has closed me out of all things financial. , i feel so vulnerable and alone. He is spending on stuff we don't need. I can't say anything. Fat broken face if I do. Appreciate your last comment on medical services. We are 2 hrs from any care. My only son doesn't want to get involved. At least to help me with this dilemma.. 80s in a very rural California.
My husband and I have been hoarders for years. It is a difficult habit to break. But, now that we are both retirement age, we're wanting to get rid of most of our stuff, sell our house and everything of value in it, buy a yacht, and live full time and travel till we either run out of money or die. We have no kids or other heirs to leave our stuff to, anyway. And, I have Alzheimer's Disease in my family on both sides - so, we probably only have another ten or fifteen years left, before I am unable to continue. I'm 62 and my father was gone by the time he was 74, after suffering from AD for about six years.
I hired an real estate auction service to come in and take control of moms belongings, they sold everything for me and I sent checks to all siblings after the estate was settled. A living will will protect your estate better than a will depending on your state. One of moms descendants tried to steal the estate, because of the living will I was able to fight her off. Don't trust your family to do what you want, it must be in writing. My mom was a lawyer, I grew up hearing about parents who trusted their kids to do what they asked. Many got screwed, some kicked out of their own house so the kid could move in. Verbal agreements are useless. Promises mean nothing when money is involved.😊
Sister in law works in probate office for the state. She's been saying for years when she retires she will write a book about the horror stories she's seen over the years. Flat out fraudulent wills put together after death by family members. One will was notarized "in person" 6 months after the person passed. Apparently they found someone to stand in and used the deceased identity to forge the signing. Of course thy caught it when reviewing the documents.
I am in my early 50s, with no husband nor kids. I just want to live comfortably, while enjoying such live performances as ballets and Shakespeare performances. I just don't like to travel. Also, I am a minamalist.
I'm doing quite well with the decluttering, but I'm very fond of my big old house. Could you possibly go into details about why you were advised not to put in a chair lift? My house has two staircases to the upstairs and I was seriously considering putting a stairlift on one of them.
I’m team MOVE…stair lifts bought my parents an extra three years in their home (a split level), the stair lifts help, BUT they are literally in the way for those who don’t need them, or are trying to carry laundry, furniture or groceries…and finally when my Mother needed Emergency Transport to the hospital . It took 4 fireman to lift her OVER the stairlift mechanism ,from her bedroom on the upper level of the house
Stair lifts benefitted my husband. Now widowed, I use the basement one, but am still able to climb the other carpeted stairs. My only concern is that the washer or dryer or furnace might need to be replaced. No room.
Without knowing what the person has it is crazy to tell the person to spend more. Also, many people who have assets have no problem with their assets getting larger. I do agree with transparency. Share as much as possible if you trust your kids and they are not entitled.
I have a family member who is 81 and a hoarder no children and no will or power of attorney and keeps putting it of and won't listen to me When I visit she does let me donate some things to charity but I don't live nearby I am older and if I survive it will be down to me.What do you suggest?
I told my children that if grandma asks you if you want something of hers, say yes, even if you give to the GW. because we have to get rid of it eventually anyway.
I took care of my mother when she couldn't do all of the things needed by herself any more. I had the privilege to stay with her to the end. What she didn't have was money. It took me several years to pay off everything. I still haven't quite got to the point that other people get after the funeral. They can say goodbye and go on with their lives. So, use your money, but think about the people who have to stay behind.
My husband and I are COMPLETELY alone in the world and we have discussed what the one left behind can do. We have a very wonderful friend /neighbor that we are going to "surprise" with everything. The remaining spouse will have the talk with him , show him where everything is, and give him a key for when it's time. Line someone up---doesn't have to be a relative. There are always people out there that are genuinely good and that should benefit from that goodness. Best to you!
@@suemar63 We have wills. It’s the final cleaning out I’m concerned about. My step kids don’t care now. They won’t in 20 years. So. I’ve started Swedish Death Cleaning and really regulating what comes in the house. More out than in.
The first 4 are all good advice. Not sold on the last one. Think the key is to have a comprehensive - like really comprehensive - health check every year to prevent health decline or at least have the many benefits of early detection. Maybe add that meticulously designing your house for easy maintenance/cleaning/living can make staying in your home longer much easier.
The book you recommended is excellent! It is a very easy read but extremely good! Concepts in video are correct. I have given up on my mother. She would never do any of these things although she should.
In dividing up all that was left by my parents, our family was so concerned with "fairness" that we got to the point of evenly separating used gift wrap and bows into six bags for six kids , and then needing a system for who'd choose first.
I still have a hard time throwing things away so I told my kids not to keep anything because it was meaningful for me unless it is meaningful for them, it's not like my feelings will be hurt!! In have found my children don't like talking about it so i keep a word doc on my computer with updates of all my important information for them. It was hell going thru all my mother's information when she passed. Thanks for the information
We were in the middle of four hurricanes when my mother died. 4 years later my roommate moved in and he was the one who took care of getting rid of most of my mother's stuff since he took over her bedroom. By then there was a mouse living there but I hadn't gone in there so I didn't know...
I made any decisions and changes to make it as easy as possible for when I pass I have downsized tremendously and moved to a smaller condo. We have a Living Trust and I have pre-paid for my creation and have left instructions on how I wish things to be done. I have file with family photographs and lore to help my grand daughter know her relatives. I have a dresser drawer with jewelry marked for my grand daughter with a bit of history written with each one. I figure it is enough that my son will have to deal with selling my condo, dealing with furniture clothing etc. Everything I can do ahead of time will make his job easier.
Good information. Not sure why you recommend not getting a stair lift. My in-laws got one several years ago. Without it, they would have had to move out of their house. They do not want to do this. Has bought them at least 5 more years in their home.
Throwing away your spouses paperwork and things really pisses them off. After 33 yrs of marriage I wonder if it’s worth it. I do know the children don’t deserve this. Good luck
Last point - we live in rural area, ANY hospital is 30 mins away. A good one, an hour. Best is 2 hours. There is no going to a good hospital. Great about clearing out early. I wish my in-laws had understood this. MIL quit hauling IN (auctions & garage sales) only when FIL was so ill she couldn't ge gone. Now she can't get out much. 90 yrs old. Supposedly, she is clearing. LOL! Nothing that we notice. My husband is over nearly everyday to get her mail. She has been found to be reading ALL the tax forms and all the years of bookkeeping. (Family farm) Thankfully my husband does go through and throw our old bookkeeping in the fire pile! He keeps 10 yrs bc he's paranoid. We are 61 & 62. Fourth generation. I have 5 generations of stuff in our basement. Kids (39 & 32) don't have all their things, in-laws left some things here. Some of those things are his grandparents and great-grands, i found out a few years ago. The positive- when my parents turned 80, all the kids were given a form to list what we wanted and why. Mom kept it in a 3-ring binder. We took most things when we could so there wasn't much left once she died. The day after the funeral we attacked her bedroom and took all we wanted. The rest was donated or trashed. My parents died at 89 & 96! Lived in their home my brother had bought 20+ yrs prior and lived all together. So great that property and most things were settled before mom died. One afternoon to get the rest.
@SECURiMENTWealthMGMT Mom had everything in "the" 3-rong binder. Info for contact and insurance policies, secret stuff, DNR papers, funerals were planned and pre-paid as much as possible, obituaries written (add in age, date, #of great-grands). I want this done. I'll at least do my info.
Doing everything you suggest except I see stairs as good exercise and I am still a hill climber at 79 and maybe I'm lucky but, although I have had things wrong with my body, I never see doctors, I rely in good eating, yoga, and a few good supplements.
One other point I'd like to make is please please have a legitimate Will in place! My husband and I did this with a lawyer in our 50s. My mother passed away suddenly and wrote some stuff on the back of a pizza box. I really wonder if my sister lied and wrote it herself as she was also forging checks in my mother's name including the day she passed. However, she got 600,000 and I literally got 3,000. The money included the house which my sister sold and that placed my schizophrenic brother out. But he got a chunk of money too so he was able to buy a condo. However, my other siblings, 4 could have fought this but chose not to. But I don't have anything to do with my younger sister because I believe she mentally abused my mother and she's a known liar who tries to cause trouble. Please be fair to your children and leave a Will. It isn't that hard!
It’s called death cleaning ….ive given all my savings and inheritances to my kids. .. I’m only in my 50s but work in nursing care so I know how we can fall off our cliff suddenly
We have everything sorted. Excess household items donated to friends and charities. A number of vintage boxed ready to give to a local lady who runs a shop. More valuable items including our wedding rings are being sold to put towards household maintenance and medical use. Wills include provision of household clearance and cleaning ready for sale by a young local couple who earn a living offering professional service. No invitations to our funerals and definitely no mourning. Special items going to special people and the remainder to charity. We hope for few more years before the final announcement "They're up the garden" 😊
My dad started chipping away at my mother's 50-year-long hoarding "collection" once they started living in separate houses (she filled one large house and then moved and started filling her house). He got rid of entire rooms worth of junk before he passed away. My mother was livid when she saw state of house that he worked for years cleaning up and maintaining and started accusing one of her children of stealing, as if her useless hoard was somehow valuable or even usable. Don't leave your junk for someone else to deal with
Hoarding is often a mental illness or a symptom of dementia. My mother had begun to save everything in her cramped apartment when I had to admit her to a memory care unit (Alzheimers). The job of cleaning out her apartment took me so many days of backbreaking labor.... I had to throw away so much STUFF. I filled two dumpsters with things that weren't worth taking to the thrift store.
Your tone is cold hearted and with out compassion.
Hoarding is 100% a mental illness. Most hoarders will actually use this as an excuse to not do anything to declutter. They must go to long term counseling. I have trouble having sympathy with people who won't seek help for their problem and then leave it for their children to deal with...horrible to do that to your kids!
@@intherockies It's really not that much of a problem. You see, their kids are not going to have the same emotional attachment to that stuff as they had - so, the kids will indiscriminately sell, give, or throw away the vast majority of it, after looking for anything of significant value.
@@therosarylady I agree. We don't know if this is a true case of clinical hoarding---or if it was just a lonely lady having fun blowing her money on knick-knacks because loved them and it was fun for her. My own Mom became convinced, in her retirement, that those Collector Plates were going to sky rocket in value---and she LOVED collecting a variety of them for about 15+ years. My brother, sister, and I all helped clean out her living space once she passed away. It was a huge job, and really, it took me YEARS to either bequeath, sell, or just let go of those various plate sets! But, I did so with prayers----giving thanks to my Mom for all she did for me as a child, and did my utmost to Honor her memory while also letting go. I didn't want MY kids to also be stuck with my Mom's left-overs from her life. My Mom was not a "hoarder" however. She kept things organized and eventually, when her storage shelves were full, she quit buying them. I don't resent her having that as her hobby and passtime while retired.
My Mom died at 94. Her whole life she said, “I don’t want to go to a nursing home”. By 90 she could no longer function at home. We looked at the many nursing homes in the area and settled on assisted living. She was hesitant but ended up loving it. No more loneliness, difficulty keeping up a house or yard and now had a choice to eat in her apartment or go to the dining room. I cannot count how many times she thanked me for helping her get there. My sisters who lived near her stayed in touch often which helped her immensely while the rest of us stayed in touch by phone. I regret not calling her more often though. When our lives are very busy it helps to remember that theirs is not, so make time for them!
Loneliness is a killer. Thanks for watching
I'm 52 and work in home health. .. I look forward to going to a nursing home where I will finally get to relax. And there will always be people to talk to!
❤ My Mother did not want to go to a nursing home either. So when she was too sick to live by herself, we took her home to live with us. And it was the greatest thing we have EVER done in our lives, next to God and having Children 😊 She was SUCH A BLESSING in our lives ❤v
My parents were killed by a drunk driver three years ago. As an only child, I had to shoulder everything by myself. It was incredibly hard to do “all the things” that comes with the passing of a loved one (twice in my case), and be overwhelmed with grief. If you only have one child, please be mindful of him/her, and what you leave behind for them to deal with.
This is horrible and I’m so sorry for your loss.
So sad.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Don't throw your children's stuff out behind her back! Bad move!
I am an only child also. Was hard
My sister passed away in December 2023. She had money locked away in a retirement fund through the school district she taught at. She was never able to use the money she worked so hard for. She was only 60 years old. I told her to quit her job many times and live off the money when her health started to fail, but she didn't listen to me. I miss her.😢
So sorry for your loss…
💜💔💜
When my daughter told me that none of the kids wanted my stuff and that they would have to bring in a big dumpster it kind of hurt my feelings. But it's true. My things are precious only to me and would be a burden to them. So after some thought I had a plan. Invite the entire family (it's a big one) to come and help themselves. Heck invite the neighbors too. And their friends from church. Any and everybody. Be sure they bring pickups and trailers. Tell them they are free to take any and everything they want. Don't care if they use it or sell it or donate it. Take it all. The kids can buy a keg of beer and put on the coffee pot and enjoy visiting with everyone. They can swap stories about me and my treasures can find a new home. And the kids won't have to physically empty the house. Now that scenario makes me smile. I enjoy spending my money on things I realize they don't want but it's fun to get a package in the mail. And I'm going to keep on doing it. And they might still need a small dumpster.
I love you!!
Brilliance,..and a true paying it forward tactic.
A dumpster? That’s sad and kind of funny. Thanks for watching.
Oh my, I have the opposite problem. I don’t want to let go of anything my parents had personally. Our family, their families, photos, bills, checks, receipts, nothing. I keep finding more stuff beyond the many things I personally perused all my life, and have to keep gathering them all together! Plus we have lots of things from 2 of my uncles whose estates we mostly took care of. I am so nostalgic and also love history and knowing every detail.
That sounds like chaos and fistfights.🤣
Only 3 months ago, my husband died at 59 just shy of our birthdays, anniversary and now the Holidays. I’ve had to shred 10 yrs of cancer related paperwork. Got rid of his clothes but the hardest thing is the drums that he loved playing. He was broke financially and only $1,200 in bank they said he didn’t even have me as beneficiary? Nothing was in order. Now waiting for his brother to come get his stuff. I thought settling my Mom’s estate with a reverse mortgage was hard but this is even harder. Now updating my will to a Lady Bird deed and declutter Every Day cause I can’t stand it having so much Junk!! Plz pray 🙏🏼 for me 😁
that's terrible, I'm so sorry to hear that.
My brothers and I had a clear out for our dad when he was dying of cancer. He was pleased with how tidy it was after. Once he was gone my mother went even harder and had a proper clear out. I think she found it really cathartic. She still has plenty of stuff, but she no longer has unused bedrooms full of useless crap.
Great message. Cathartic. I'm using that word in tomorrow's video. Thank you!
Thank you for this 😊. You had a healthy view of how to deal with loss and I appreciate it. I want to do this for my children so someday when I am gone they won't be further saddened (and angered) by needing to deal with what I may have left undone. I'm going to have to get on that 😅.
So true, great advice. My parents died 4 months apart and had a house full of stuff. It was tough on us kids and eventually caused family dissension. I’ve have downsized and am planning on getting all my vital paperwork into a binder for my children. I’m 70 and in good health.
I’m sorry for your loss. Thanks for watching.
1. I am much order than you.
2. Spend the money when you are healthy. My late wife and I quit our jobs at age 30 and went around the world for a year. Why? My mother worked and said when she was dying that the next wife would take the trip to Europe that she had wanted. Actually step-moms one and two went on that money.
3. Actually downsize:
a. the photos, the videos went onto usb keys.
b. the wall plaques had photos taken and put on usb keys - thrown out.
c. business forms/records - gone
d. four major donations of items within the last year - and still more to get rid of.
3. Living trust and will revised in the last year; beneficiaries checked, copies of the passwords and contact lists made; plain language letter written about things that would not jump out at someone reading dry documents.
4. Ongoing arrangements keep things repaired and clean at home.
80 years of observing relatives and friends.
What alot of common sense.
A lot of common sense, yeah but . . ."Easier Said than Done."
I've seen my share of these situations including both of my parents, the parents of close friends & co-workers, and 2 neighbors - - 1 of which left everything to me. Only 1 person out of all of them proactively got ALL of their affairs in order. She shopped around for an assisted living place (ON HER OWN via taxicabs) and secured her spot. She gave her car to a grandson and gifted everything else to family members who'd expressed an interest in various items. The only exceptions were her bedroom set, TV, and personal effects. She told me that she was doing it now so her kids wouldn't have to later. No surprise, because everything about her & her house, yards, etc. neat and orderly.
Unfortunately, this was not the neighbor who left all their worldly possessions to me. Those neighbors were depression era "save everything" type, from rubber bands to Friskies Cat Food Coupons, living in the same house from 1951 to 2000,
One of my 2 boys, in their mid teens at the time, said, "Mom, start throwing stuff away now, so we won't have to go thru this when u die." I TOTALLY AGREED.
The orderly neighbor passed a few years later, so I truly saw both extremes, plus my parents who were somewhere in-between. I knew which example I WOULD FOLLOW.
Fastfwd 24 years:
What's left of the neighbor's stuff, my parents' stuff, renters' stuff, my kids's stored stuff (who are now approaching 40) and my own stuff, including past roommates' leftover stuff . . . all resides with me now.
Despite all the resolve I had at 40, all this "stuff" accumulated over the 24 years since then. Not quite earning an episode on "Hoarders of America," but it may soon!
Just like the resolve I had at 40 has waned, so has my energy level and agility. I'm not exactly zipping up and down the ladder to the attic with boxes of Christmas decorations these days . . . nor Halloween . . . or 4th of July.
😊
Good stuff. Thanks for watching!
About parents’ possessions and clearing out the family home…I found the single most difficult thing to do was to sort through the family photos.
Lots of photos 😜
Just today my wife was thinning out 5 boxes of photos so our daughter won’t have to when we are gone
Scan them into a thumb drive. You can give albums to relatives. Save a few (1 in 20) in a physical album. My dad saw the world through a camera lens. Unfortunately, he wasn't great at photography.
Yes, my Mom had two large trunks full of photos as well as several big cardboard boxes. None of it sorted. In the end, the photos weighed several times what she did 😞
“Spend more of your money”… now that’s a tricky thing. Will you need the money in later life to try to get alternative treatments? Will you need the money to have someone come in and care for you in your own home? We don’t know what the future brings and having money ahead obviously gives us options. As someone who eats mostly meat and very little carbohydrates, the thought of going to an assisted-living or a nursing home is not something I would consider. The food they prepare goes by the Canada food guide, which is an appallingly unhealthy way to eat.
I thought it was a very wise thing when my brother told me that you should spend most of your money during the beginning of your retirement. That is when our health is the best. That is when I was travelling the most and when I was spending the money to set up my home so that I could, in the future, live on one floor. When you own your own home, the cost of yard maintenance and maid services are a pittance compared to what it costs in a nursing home.
One point about taking someone with you to the doctor. Doctors find it much more difficult to be dismissive when they have two (or more!) people in front of them. It is inevitable that they will pay more attention and try harder to do a good job. (I worked in medicine for 42 years- 37 years as a Family Physician)
I live in Canada, and according to our laws, we can record whatever session we want with our doctors. It is also legal for us to do it without the doctor’s knowledge. As I always record my sessions with my NATUROPATH, I was shocked to learn that my doctor was not OK with my recording our sessions. This is my health we are talking about and for some reason, I am not allowed to have a record of what was said. I always like to go over the session so that I remember everything. Ever since then I have been recording my doctor without their knowledge. The only reason I can see that they would not be OK with that is because they want to cover their butt! I don’t record so that I have a way of suing them, I record so that I can understand their point of view and research it. Gone are the days when doctors were gods.
I’m in the US, doctors let me suffer for twelve years with hundreds of holes in the lining of my bladder, with urine leaking into surrounding tissues. It’s called Interstitial Cystitis. I was in so much pain but had to refuse pain medication so that they wouldn’t label me as “drug seeking”. About half way thru the 12 year ordeal I almost let my appendix burst at home because I was used to that amount of pain in my right side and so tired of the gaslighting of ER doctors. I saw the same two doctors an internist and an ob/gyn for twenty-five years, they knew me and did nothing but keep ruling out the same few “female” issues over and over while I wasn’t able to work or spend any time with friends , now I’ve had long covid (diagnosed with brain lesions, swollen spinal cord, disautonomia/POTS, etc etc) for 4 1/2 years. I don’t seek medical advice anymore, I can do better o my own.
Thx for the comment and for watching!
VERY important. And never let the patient just be stoic and tough it out. Be forthright about your pain, and share ALL your symptoms, at once, with your doctor, to help the doctor solve the puzzle and find the root cause of the troubles.
Yeah, but my husband is busy. Do you think the doctor would let me record him?
My spouse died a little over 3 years ago and I am just now starting to go through personal items to sort, discard, or donate. What you said about this being emotionally draining is SO true. I found that if I don’t do this in bite size portions I either start throwing everything away or keep everything.
My dad just turned 80. He's been going through his house, getting rid of things. He asked me what I want to keep. When I visit him I see empty shelves.
I figure I’m probably gonna be that way… Thanks for watching
Just lost my dad who was 94 with my mom having passed many years ago. Yep he had three floors of stuff although his home appeared neat and clean every closet, attic and cabinet was stuffed with stuff. Both my sister and I are retired and are local so we are getting it done but this process has taught me a lesson. Our depression era parents didn't throw anything away but what will be our excuse? I am not sure what it will be but I instead think I will take this opportunity to declutter my own home and start making some of those positive decisions which will make our retirement life better and our kids lives better as well.
Great comments!!! Thanks for watching.
My husband and I are retired and can buy what we want to live comfortably and well. But we get no pleasure from spending. Our needs are modest. We appreciate what we have. And I hope that our children who inherit from us don’t waste money either. Think carefully about what is important to you and fund that. Or, better yet, enjoy the things in life that cost nothing. To say someone is “underspending” seems absurd to me. “Underliving” might be more to the point.
I like your distinction. I may borrow it! Thanks for watching.
Very nice comment my life is like yours...simple life give me joy..i have way more money than i need, material things and grand vacations dont impress me...joy love..peace ..harmany do impress me!!!
These are such important tips, at 84 and 86 .. that's how it is.
Spend time with the "oldies" ask them questions about family stories and relatives in your family tree etc NOW while you can before we are gone.
As for us we need to let them know just how much we loved them and apologise if we were not the parents they needed. ❤❤❤
Thanks for watching!
That's what I did 2 years before my dad died. I got a memory book and asked him questions about his life and his family tree. I am so glad that I did that. My mom is still alive and I did the same thing for her. I have so many stories about her life.
I’ve been getting rid of stuff for a long time and yes it is hard but I tell myself it’s better than leaving the hard work to my children. I’d like to be down to a few boxes if that.
Couldn’t agree more. Thanks for watching
I'm in the middle of downsizing also. I only have a 1000 sq ft home, but I am easily overwhelmed.
❤
And you're right, I don't want to leave a mess for my kids either.😊
There are advantages to downsizing early, like as soon as the kids leave for college. It is HARD WORK. We did it in our late 50s. I have several women friends who stayed in the big family home until they lost their spouse. At that stage it is a physically and emotionally daunting task to move out. By moving early, if I do lose my spouse, I am already in a safe place appropriate for my age plus will have had many years of memories with my spouse in the home I will remain in. I find that comforting. It was also a smart move financially, and has made traveling much easier.
Definitely hard work!!! Thanks for watching.
Great advice! We had to clean out two homes for my folks and husbands parents no one wanted their antiquated items we tried garage sales, gave what we could for donations but most went into several large dumpsters. I can say that because my dad saved all his money he is in one of the finest assisted living facilities it feels like he’s at a Hilton. We are still sorting through boxes and boxes of pictures and albums that we will be copying and giving to family. Parents don’t realize that our taste in style is not usually the same as theirs and most kids already have established their own things. I have never liked two story homes it’s just so much easier to be on one level.
Good stuff. Thanks for watching!
Turns out we bought our last house first. It's a ranch style home, it has 3 beds 2 baths and laundry on the main level. I've been decluttering and donating what we no longer use or need. I've been digitize all family photos. It's in a location with a abundance of doctors and hospitals. Close to all kinds of shops and restaurants.
Feeling blessed
Good stuff! Thanks for watching.
When my grandmother downsized, she made 6 collections of things for her 6 kids: baking ware, dishes, pots and pans, handmade quilts pots and pans, etc. Then invited all of them. They drew a number and made a game of it, choosing which things they got, trading around. It was a time of reminiscing, great laughter and joy.
My in-laws never planned for anything now it’s on the kids ! My wife spends two and three days a week taking care of them for the last two years. I’ve recently retired and it’s really put a lot of resentment in my heart!
That woman spent every day taking care of your wife as a kid . Ungrateful a-hole!
This is very common. Thanks for watching.
Wow! Resentment over that? Count your blessings. How should I feel at 58 yrs old, divorced, no-kids, having been a live-in carer for my stroke-affected wheelchair bound narcissist father and my poor sweet mother, who was dad's 24/7 personal carer for 10 years? I did everything for them for 11 years since I moved back home in 2013 due to job loss. My mother gave her life for dad, literally - she died a month ago aged 77 (after 7 months of chemo for ovarian cancer) whilst my dad went into aged care during her treatment and still resents her for having died. He's still ungrateful for all the care I have put in over all these years and greets me when I visit every few days with contempt and self pity.
Same with my in-laws. Their house was crammed with stuff. My SIL got so angry when she found out there was VERY little we wanted to keep. She couldn't take any of it with her because she lives in another state. She guilted my husband into renting a u-haul to bring the (mostly) junk home with us. We waited for her to go back home and shipped some things to her and then we got rid of 95% of it. It was all very stressful and it's made me determined to go through our home and do some serious editing.
I'm so sorry. Her parents made a mistake that has affected their daughter and you. Everyone makes mistakes though so try to give some grace. Remember this is her parents that she loves deeply. I know it has to be very hard for you and her. The fact that you are watching a UA-cam video about how to do better for your end of life is to be commended.
I was so accustomed to living very frugally and saving and investing aggressively that my CPA finally put things in perspective for me and encouraged me to spend money on myself. Going back to my youth, there's a reason why I feared running out of money. With zero debt and an eight-figure net worth, I now feel like I can splurge on a few things (new vehicle, travel). I also make significant financial gifts to worthy non-profit organizations every year.
Good for you! And thanks for watching
Thx for sharing and GOOD FOR YOU! We all should be as wise and penny smart as you! God Bless!
This was very timely for me. We just discovered that my mom has amassed an incredible amount of debt and recently signed a debt consolidation loan. We are now involved and trying to unravel the mess. She has basically put herself in a very tenuous situation. We will certainly help her but it puts a burden both emotionally and financially on everyone. Ask questions, pay attention and know that bad decisions effect the whole family.
I’m sorry to hear that. I think our parents do lots of things they don’t want us to know about. Thanks for watching.
Absolutely recommend having an intelligent, assertive person (preferably adult child) attend medical appointments. Both my parents indirectly died from medical errors. One issue is simply lack attention by doctors; my mother received medication for several years while she had a condition that the doctor hadn't tested for which counter indicated the medication. Some doctors identify issues but fail to follow up on them. And many doctors are ageist, discounting the lives and wellbeing of older adults. Sometimes strong advocacy is needed!
That’s terrible. I’m sorry to hear about those medical errors
I am sorry for your experience. It must occur more often than we think and doing our due diligence, trusting no one and getting second opinions are vital. Both my parents suffered medical errors. My mother unfortunately experienced several and died as a result. The moral injury and guilt for me are deep and profound and will never go away.
Hugely beneficial content. Speaking as someone who recently experienced a lot of these points, definitely write these down and help your parents and loved ones plan properly. 🙏🏻
Thanks for watching!
My last living parent my mother, died of cancer about 5-years ago. Years prior to her illness, she followed Step #2, Step #3, and Step #4. Both my sister and, I had full access to most of her savings account funds in the bank. Also, upon hearing of her illness she "quick claim" deeded her townhome to both of us (which, saved my sister and, myself from having to pay any inheritance taxes on this property). In addition, about 5-years earlier my mother had moved from our childhood 2-story 4-bedroom home, to a band new 1-story 2-bedroom townhouse (smile ... smile).
Great points. Sorry for your loss.
Yes, sorry for your loss. For others, inheritance tax is Federal but also state specific. Unless her estate was substantial there would be no inheritance tax in most cases. Quit claim deeds can also trigger other tax issues & reporting requirements, so be aware of what you are doing
Excellent advice on all points! Just went through most of these issues with my mom who recently passed away. My mom never threw away any document. We’re talking electricity bills from the 1980’s…boxes and boxes of this stuff. We carted so many things to our neighborhood Goodwill that they turned us away and sent us to a bigger location. But she was so attached to everything that getting her to give it away to anyone except her children and grandchildren (who wanted very little of it) was impossible. Concerning stairs, it is extremely difficult to get many seniors to agree to leave their home. My husband’s mom is 93, has poor eyesight and declining mobility due to arthritis. I see a battle looming when she is no longer able to manage the three steps to get in an out of her home. She hates the idea of a retirement home. And lastly, as someone who lives in a city with the number one cancer center in the world, yes, don’t just go to your suburban hospital when you have a world-class facility twenty minutes farther away! Get the highest quality care you can.
Thanks for the comment and thanks for watching!!
3 steps only? Get a ramp.
This video was very informative. My younger brother is the executor to my parent's estate. I'm 52, and my brothers and I have quite a bit to sort through when one or both of my parents pass. This process is a good reminder to get my own estate in order since each one of us will be receiving a considerable amount. Not knowing what that distribution looks like creates a bit of stress. As you mentioned, helping our own children while we are alive is one of the best opportunities to bond and experience that joy and relief they might feel. It can shape their decisions and life choices.
Thx, Burrito. You are supreme. THX for watching!
I have no children of my own, so my estate will be dealt with by my niece and nephew who don't really know me. My partner's parents passed within 8 weeks of each other, and clearing their home was a wakeup call for me and made me look at my own stuff.
I keep my will updated, home and finance files in order, ideas for my funeral current etc etc,and will do my utmost not to leave them a houseful of junk to deal with! It's only fair - they will have enough to deal with.
Good suggestions and thanks for watching
If you're gonna leave behind a pile of stuff, at least leave a pile of money so the person who inherits that stuff has the resources to deal with it. I'm an only child, and when my father died, it fell to me to deal with his stuff. I was so thankful that, not only did he downsize quite a bit in his later years, he also left me the financial resources to deal with everything else.
The way I look at it is, if you're going to leave someone a job, at least leave them a commensurate paycheck to get that job done.
Well said and thanks for watching.
I agree, I’m seriously thinking of having an estate sale for my daddy’s 2 sheds full of tools etc etc and his furniture in his trailer.
I dread the thought of doing a yard sale 🤦♀️
Quite right. Ours will be cleared by professionals, no relatives involved at all.
Wow. Wow. Wow. You have delivered the single best retirement video I have ever watched … and I’ve watched A LOT of videos. Every single item one your list was spot on, but the “clutter” and “stairs” items really hit home. In our case *I’m* the pack rat, and I don’t want to impose that on heirs. Un-clutter starts today.
The other item is stairs. Our home in Northern California is one floor, but entry requires climbing a full flight of deck stairs. We thought that we’d stay here but will now start to consider moving or the option to install an elevator.
Thanks for your insight.
THX very much for the nice feedback and for watching!
I have stress about this because we have collected a lot in our large house. My girlfriend recently lost her parents. They hired an estate sale company to take care of it. Everything was gone. Even old piles of bricks in the yard! I will try to donate unused items now, and pass on anything they ask for while we’re living. But I’m not sure how much to get rid of in my 60s, with potentially another two decades of enjoying my dishes and possibly needing that second blender …;)
Funny...I think we have 3 blenders 😜
@@SECURiMENTWealthMGMTjust
Just make decluttering part of your daily routine. If I come across something I can’t remember when the last time I used it, I just donate or throw it away. I plan can create scrap books of photos for each of my children. I don’t want them to have to go through all my stuff when I am gone. Life is so much better with less stuff!
We're not downsizing, my grandfather dug the garden and rode a bicycle into his 90s and I intend to do the same, in fact I'm making fresh garden plans. My husband is 80 with chronic health issues and twenty years ago he was told he would be in a wheelchair within three years, but he's still on his feet, just. No need to part with things you love, just donate spare, enjoy the stuff you've worked for.
My mother did the Swedish Death Cleaning before it was a thing. Only the best of her things remained and her family history. Yes. It made clearing her home a snap but I didn’t get the chance to mourn and laugh while clearing away her life. I did kind of miss that. Our clearing of her life took less than a day. It was too efficient in an odd way.
Great talk. I'm single/lost my 2 kids. First, make sure you HAVE a current Will, Power of Attorney and Health Directive and make it known where to find it. I have an ICE (in case of emergency) file on my frig with contact and health info. I made my bank the Power of Attorney and Executor of my estate. My siblings have my health directive, which is not ideal but not much choice. The bank can't handle that. Even if you have kids, they may live far away or are not be capable or just too busy. Closing an estate is a Executor is a TON of work. Appointing the bank means I can move anywhere (Canadian banks are national, not fragmented like they are generally in the US). Also, I don't have to worry about a lawyer or accountant retiring. Yes, it costs but brings peace of mind. I'm clearing out my house after recently retiring and that will be an ongoing process.
Good comments. Thanks for watching
Sorry for your losses. USA we can open payable upon death accounts.
I would not “trust” the bank. They make off with money especially if no heirs are there.
Thank you for this good information.
In addition to your advice about under spending I'd add this;
Use some of your 'old age funds' to get alternative health care.
The 'conventional medical advice' is not intended to actually be helpful nor healthful.
It is designed to provide *long term profit* to the establishment medical businesses.
There are arguably better choices available, particularly for seniors.
Many health issues can be resolved but *not* by 'conventional medical practices'.
At 69 I've seen too many spend their last years and their remaining funds on so-called 'medical care' that *only* treats symptoms!
Both my parents suffered with this.
There are real solutions but we *must* actively seek to find them.
Otherwise 'medical care' becomes a 'good money after bad' endeavor.
Interesting! Thanks for watching!
I had put all of our photos into albums a few years back…..and made copies of the most memorable ones, or of the ancestors, and made extra albums of copies for each son. It was quite the job, getting more copies from old aunts, cousins out of state, and genealogy stories too. These were quite appreciated by my sons.
I personally feel that the ONE thing that is good to pass along, are family photos-that have been organized, with names and dates on the backs……and family history. Other than that, they can do what they want with all of the rest of my stuff. We’re ‘thinning’ things out now. Trying to get things organized and easier to garage sale, or give away/donate, when the time comes.
Sounds like a plan! Thanks for watching.
That's great, yet that's Your perception of what someone else would want or find valuable. Personally, I don't care for lots of photos; even though I have lived around the world, it's not a big deal to me. Expecting someone else to appreciate is a heavy burden; I have valuable items (to me) which are worth more to me than money; I can't expect anyone else to enjoy these items beyond what their monetary value is when I pass. When someone says "when the time comes"....umm... that means you are procrastinating and that task will be put upon your kids.
Have you considered putting the photos and genealogy on Ancestry?
@@SamStone1964 That's nice, yet not addressing the issue
@@SamStone1964 My beloved father in law did this but I was divorced before I could view anything. His son/my ex husband blocked me from everything. I would advise if you're going to make everything virtual or entrust only certain people, think about who that would include or exclude. I would Not trust this ancestry bull crap
Something you failed to mention when you suggest spending money on your kids now/giving them their inheritance early: IF you do this, then need Medicaid to help with nursing home or healthcare costs, there is a 5 year look-back. This means that if you gave cash or perhaps signed over the deed to your house, or other assets, less than 5 years before the need for Medicaid became necessary, Medicaid WILL make them give those assets back to pay for their parent's healthcare cost. That may mean handing over the house or repaying money they've already spent. If you have an abundance of assets and envision providing your children with an inheritance, either now, or after you pass, absolutely seek out an elder law attorney to help you get your ducks in a row early, EARLY, while you're in good health and have no cognitive decline or signs of dementia that could land you in a nursing home. None of us has a crystal ball. We cannot predict when an accident or sudden onset of serious illness will occur. Pre-planning is key. Do this now, while you are able to direct your assets in the way that you've always envisioned it to be.
Yes, Medicaid spend down rules are a whole speciality in of itself. Very complicated. Thanks for watching.
I was diagnosed with cancer at 45. After recovery we had a new perspective, without going into debt, if we really wanted to do something we did it. There's no guarantees that tomorrow's going to be there.
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you are doing well.
*sigh* ive been begging my older-than-me husband to start doing all these things, especially turning loose of stuff. its a battle. im basically resigned to the fact that i will be spending my days dealing with all this stuff rather than dealing with processing grief. we also don't have kids to go to appointments with us or to understand everything that needs to happen when we die or decline. im shouldering so much on my own now, and its so daunting.
That's sad. I'm sorry to hear that.
Sending you prayers!
Take along a close friend, trusted neighbor. A lot to absorb if your given devastating news at Dr office or hospital.
I feel your sigh. My husband is 69 and has been diagnosed with early onset cognitive dementia. We live in NC and I have told him we NEED to move back to NY to be closer to family and friends. Not so that they can help me care for him, but so that I have a social network. I have been slowly decluttering and this upsets him greatly as he sees value in everything that we own. We "might use it some day". I want simplicity right now in my life as do you. It will bring you so much peace to just know that these decisions have been made. I keep a garbage bag in my closet and throw things in there as I find them. Some go directly into the garbage, others I sneak out and give to Goodwill. Good luck!
Take a trusted friend with you. Ask for a summary of your visit. One of my mother's providers did this, and it was very helpful afterward to have for reviewing.
My parents refused to update the bathroom and get rid of the carpeting when they were able (there are hardwood floors underneath). Money was not their issue they just didn’t want to deal with the mess and aggravation. In their last years they couldn’t roll a wheelchair on the carpets and the bathrooms were not accessible. They both had to go to assisted living and nursing homes. Make those updates while you can.
Exactly. Thanks for watching.
Ive been reading "Swedish Death Cleaning". Very useful
Haven't heard of that. I'll get it after I'm done with the silly book I'm reading!
Having too much money at the end of life changed my perspective quite a bit after I first heard of this problem in the book “Die With Zero”. It’s something I never thought about. I’m mid-40s and have done well in life. So I’ve started to spend more on my family which I didn’t do before as much. I have no wife and kids (which I always wanted), so I had been saving and saving and saving for that situation. But I accept it won’t happen now at this age. Hence I’m now more generous with my nieces / parents / sister / brother.
Woah, woah, woah. I have a male friend who didn’t get married until he was 50. He’s now 55 and has a 3 year old and a lovely 43 year old wife. Everything in life doesn’t always work out but don’t completely write off that dream. There are soooo many others who share it and want to find that life partner. Fingers crossed for you.
Good stuff and thanks for watching!
You never know…. my husband walked out and my new husband’s wife passed away at age 56. We met and married at 60 & 63 and have been married now for 10 years! We are still strong and healthy and enjoying life.
@@sarahrosen4985 Sarah, there are many nice men looking for a wonderful wife. The best way to find your true partner is to ask The Lord to bring him into your path. Be truly happy as yourself, thankful for your blessings. Your serenity will draw the right one to you. I have seen this happen many times. Have faith that you deserve love.
You are still young. My brother got married at 54, had a daughter at 55 and a son at 60. He and his wife are very happy. If he can find love late, so can you.
Such valuable information, thank you for sharing. I'm going through this process now as principal caregiver for my 96 year old dad. Who did that beautiful painting behind you? So very interesting.
Jill’s aunt. I should always stand in front of that thing 😜. Lots of comments about it. @michelleharris312
I think if you have collections of things,ask if anyone wants it, and if not figure out where family can dispose of it, and tell them NO GUILT about getting rid of my stuff. I cleaned out my mom’s home when she got sick and died quickly , she had not gone through anything. It was so hard to figure out what had value and why on earth she kept some of it. I’ve been going through my stuff with serious intentions to get it down to only what I enjoy now and look in every box and find a home for stuff I don’t use. Great advice leaned from your experience, thank you!!
I don’t think there’s a thing that I own that any of my three sons want lol
Good will takes most everything
@@SECURiMENTWealthMGMT my daughter has emphatically told me she does not want my stuff after helping me with her grandmother’s things!
I keep telling my wife we need to move from this split-level home with stairs everywhere. But she keeps saying, they are good for us, keeps our legs strong. I think she has a point, at least for a while.
Good point by the wife but I wonder when “a while” ends?
There are safer ways to keep strength by lifting light weights, walking or exercise machines. Avoid the habit of leaving stuff on the stairs to "take up later". Remove tripping hazards.
"Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt." 😳
My stairs are split level and carpeted lm ok w them for at least 10 more years they keep me stronger
No doubt my mother is stronger because of her two flights of stairs for 40 years but we did put in those chair lifts…..my mom now uses them to carry up items too heavy to carry.
Thank you for a really well thought list of suggestions and learning gs from your experiences
My husband kept opening savings accounts to collect the joining fee. After his death we had to contact about 20 building societies to check if all these accounts were closed or empty.
Turns out there is so much to do when someone passes. Thanks for watching!
0. Stop being controlling / short-tempered / greedy /selfish when it comes to your wife/son/etc.. Live and let live.
thanks for watching
Great Video. Thank you for posting.
Thank you for watching!!!
How to Die Well:
1. Spend more of your money to enjoy life
* Don’t Wait b4 health problems
*Ask the right questions
get projections,suggestions?
*Give more to see others benefit & strengthen relationships with wisdom & quality time.
2. Clean through the clutter
3. Open up financial books
-be transparent - start small
-share account information
-Check & double & triple check that all documents are correct
4. Get rid of stairs
-Unwanted and unneeded
-painful or dangerous
-move if necessary
5. Monitor slowing cognitive abilities
-Get medical assessment early
-chooses expertise over convenience
Great summary!!!
Some really good advice. My girlfriend has dementia and getting her daughter involved with medical has helped. I am in the process of trying to get her daughters help with her mothers storage unit. Power of attorney for both medical and financial has been done. Financial was filed at the courthouse. That took over 6 months. I had a hard time convincing and getting everyone on the same page. Mothers car title joint rights of ownership has been done also for her daughter. One thing at a time. Good advice on your video.
I’m sorry about your girlfriend. My Dad has it. Awful.
Both of my parents died at 67 (my mother two years after my father) after both of them suffering health issues. I have already semi retired at 54. I can afford to fully retire but I just don't as it gives me a reason to get out of bed. There is a very good chance that I will die with large sums of money left over. Though I would love to be in a relationship I'm autistic and people just find me really creepy and they avoid me like the plague. Oh I could flash money around but all that will happen is I will attract gold diggers and they will do anything and everything that they can to separate me from my money. I'm not so stupid to know that if someone wants to be around me it's not because they like me as a person.
Thanks for watching.
You are talking about families who are healthy and who aren't given to (or led by) hostilities, derangements, cynicism, greed, mistrust, enduring and smouldering resentments, and selfishness.
When the leader of the family is a godless, sadistic, bully, and the wealth in question is steeped in corruption, the best policy is to have the attitude that I'm not in the "claimant pool" and not to ever make the mistake of building my life around the expectation of a "distribution." This attitude has been a game-changer for me. I've been able to approach family members that I love with kindness, cheer, and the intention to bless them, regardless of how they have treated me.
Ironically, this sometimes makes it hard for me but I'm at peace. I am following the examples set by Christ, reminding myself that forgiveness is a gift and a discipline of persistence.
I watch siblings and their offspring war among each other in diabolical ways, forfeiting their self-respect, and clinging to the coffin-edges of the seniors, and it saddens me.
God has blessed you with a healthy legacy and good and gentle hearts. Thank you for your example that there are good people in this world who are teaching their children well.
My mother died. My trustee sister stole my mothers valuables then MY things (after i got rid of half/packed to move after caring for mom!). Police said i couldn't "prove" she stole everything. She then attempted to steal the entire inheritance, but a real estate attorney redirected her to her fidicuary obligation to Trust document(!)
Advice: Foremost, be ready for that dominent/greedy sibling, mourn later
That’s a lot. I’m sorry. Thanks for watching.
@SECURiMENTWealthMGMT Reality. Some families are psych-O. Hope someone else can be spared: If you have a bad sibling today, it will amplify at parents death tomorrow, be warned
And yes God is good*
Be careful. If you are around a family nest of narcissists, they will still try to harm you no matter how forgiving and kind you may be. The kindness will be seen as fake. It's best to stay forgiving at a distance if you can't go full no contact.
@@minoozolala Note: The nest died; the remaining Narc participant is in declining health. God balances things out dcentually. Getting out alive is remarkable
You are on-point about everything..I could relate to and agree with all your observations
Thank you!
My mom and step-dad are in the situation where they can't spend anymore due to illness. it's really sad. They will leave an estate but did not enjoy their money.
I guess at least they can pay for the health services they need that medicare doesn't, eh?
This is common as I described in the video. Thanks for watching.
Yes good advice as an occupational therapist stay on one floor watch out rugs - be aware of strangers in the house 🏡
Very thought filled and well presented video. Thank you!
Thank you for watching!
Thanks for sharing your personnel family experiences, we enjoyed and learned from the content!
Thanks, TK!
Great info! I hope people listen and act on it.
Thank you!
Glad I found you. You gave me some new perspectives. Thank you!nI look forward to exploring what you've posted. (81 this month and still feel so like I'm waiting to grow up! lol)
Thanks for the kind words!
This terrifies me. My husband has closed me out of all things financial. , i feel so vulnerable and alone. He is spending on stuff we don't need. I can't say anything. Fat broken face if I do. Appreciate your last comment on medical services. We are 2 hrs from any care. My only son doesn't want to get involved. At least to help me with this dilemma.. 80s in a very rural California.
I am so sorry to hear this 😍. Please be well.
Solid, critical information. Take notes & make a list!
Thanks for the comment and for watching!
All great advice.
Thx for watching
My husband and I have been hoarders for years. It is a difficult habit to break. But, now that we are both retirement age, we're wanting to get rid of most of our stuff, sell our house and everything of value in it, buy a yacht, and live full time and travel till we either run out of money or die. We have no kids or other heirs to leave our stuff to, anyway. And, I have Alzheimer's Disease in my family on both sides - so, we probably only have another ten or fifteen years left, before I am unable to continue. I'm 62 and my father was gone by the time he was 74, after suffering from AD for about six years.
That's a lot. I'm sorry. My Dad has demential so there's that...
Refreshing take on retirement. Glad I found it.
Why thank you!
I hired an real estate auction service to come in and take control of moms belongings, they sold everything for me and I sent checks to all siblings after the estate was settled.
A living will will protect your estate better than a will depending on your state. One of moms descendants tried to steal the estate, because of the living will I was able to fight her off. Don't trust your family to do what you want, it must be in writing.
My mom was a lawyer, I grew up hearing about parents who trusted their kids to do what they asked. Many got screwed, some kicked out of their own house so the kid could move in. Verbal agreements are useless. Promises mean nothing when money is involved.😊
Interesting. Thanks for sharing!
Written wills also don't count for much if the solicitor executor decides to ignore the person's instructions.
Sister in law works in probate office for the state. She's been saying for years when she retires she will write a book about the horror stories she's seen over the years. Flat out fraudulent wills put together after death by family members. One will was notarized "in person" 6 months after the person passed. Apparently they found someone to stand in and used the deceased identity to forge the signing. Of course thy caught it when reviewing the documents.
I am in my early 50s, with no husband nor kids. I just want to live comfortably, while enjoying such live performances as ballets and Shakespeare performances. I just don't like to travel. Also, I am a minamalist.
Sounds like a plan. Thanks for watching!
You gave a lot of good information and advice
Thanks you
Thanks for watching!
I'm doing quite well with the decluttering, but I'm very fond of my big old house. Could you possibly go into details about why you were advised not to put in a chair lift? My house has two staircases to the upstairs and I was seriously considering putting a stairlift on one of them.
Too narrow a stair case. Thanks for watching
I’m team MOVE…stair lifts bought my parents an extra three years in their home (a split level), the stair lifts help, BUT they are literally in the way for those who don’t need them, or are trying to carry laundry, furniture or groceries…and finally when my Mother needed Emergency Transport to the hospital . It took 4 fireman to lift her OVER the stairlift mechanism ,from her bedroom on the upper level of the house
Stair lifts benefitted my husband. Now widowed, I use the basement one, but am still able to climb the other carpeted stairs. My only concern is that the washer or dryer or furnace might need to be replaced. No room.
Without knowing what the person has it is crazy to tell the person to spend more.
Also, many people who have assets have no problem with their assets getting larger.
I do agree with transparency. Share as much as possible if you trust your kids and they are not entitled.
This is general financial advice based on my client and personal experience. Nobody should do ANYTHING without a comprehensive financial plan.
Great advice!
Thanks for watching!
Thank you. This is a very important video
Thanks for watching!
GOD BLESS YOU REALLY APPRECIATE YOU JUST GET TO THE POINT. HUGE HELPS
THX!
You are so right!!! Do not hold onto the money!
There are so many ways to move or start gifting within your means.
Thanks for watching!
I’ve down sized and really consider adding anything new to my home. I personally think it’s selfish to make our kids go thru tons of goods.
I completely agree w you. Thanks for watching.
I have a family member who is 81 and a hoarder no children and no will or power of attorney and keeps putting it of and won't listen to me
When I visit she does let me donate some things to charity but I don't live nearby
I am older and if I survive it will be down to me.What do you suggest?
Stop buying to fill an empty hole. Life is not about the things or how much 'stuff' you have. It is about experiences.
Yep. Thanks for watching!
Thank you:)!
I told my children that if grandma asks you if you want something of hers, say yes, even if you give to the GW. because we have to get rid of it eventually anyway.
And it makes Grandma really happy to know someone values her "treasures" . Also have grandma tell the story behind the item if there is one.
Thx for watching.
Deb here. I agree. If someone offers you anything, take it. You then can do with it whatever you wish. Helps to clear out the house.
I took care of my mother when she couldn't do all of the things needed by herself any more. I had the privilege to stay with her to the end. What she didn't have was money. It took me several years to pay off everything. I still haven't quite got to the point that other people get after the funeral. They can say goodbye and go on with their lives. So, use your money, but think about the people who have to stay behind.
And what of those of us with no children. No nieces or nephews. It’s on me. Perhaps address this.
I will give it some thought. Thank you for watching!
My husband and I are COMPLETELY alone in the world and we have discussed what the one left behind can do. We have a very wonderful friend /neighbor that we are going to "surprise" with everything. The remaining spouse will have the talk with him , show him where everything is, and give him a key for when it's time. Line someone up---doesn't have to be a relative. There are always people out there that are genuinely good and that should benefit from that goodness. Best to you!
@@suemar63 We have wills. It’s the final cleaning out I’m concerned about. My step kids don’t care now. They won’t in 20 years. So. I’ve started Swedish Death Cleaning and really regulating what comes in the house. More out than in.
@@jeanhallada5292 Yes-a really good idea.
DON’T TOUCH JILL’S CLOSET🤣
Too funny. I won’t. 😜
Now we know where our stuff is going....
The first 4 are all good advice. Not sold on the last one. Think the key is to have a comprehensive - like really comprehensive - health check every year to prevent health decline or at least have the many benefits of early detection. Maybe add that meticulously designing your house for easy maintenance/cleaning/living can make staying in your home longer much easier.
Indeed. Thanks for watching.
The book you recommended is excellent! It is a very easy read but extremely good! Concepts in video are correct. I have given up on my mother. She would never do any of these things although she should.
Thanks for watching.
In dividing up all that was left by my parents, our family was so concerned with "fairness" that we got to the point of evenly separating used gift wrap and bows into six bags for six kids , and then needing a system for who'd choose first.
Oh boy!!! Thanks for watching!
I just cleaned out a huge amount of empty boxes from my dad’s basement. And working slowly on decluttering my own house.
Good stuff! Thanks for watching
I still have a hard time throwing things away so I told my kids not to keep anything because it was meaningful for me unless it is meaningful for them, it's not like my feelings will be hurt!! In have found my children don't like talking about it so i keep a word doc on my computer with updates of all my important information for them. It was hell going thru all my mother's information when she passed. Thanks for the information
thanks for watching!
Totally agree don’t go to medical services on own especially hospital having witnessed a deliberate murder in 2023 of friend
We were in the middle of four hurricanes when my mother died. 4 years later my roommate moved in and he was the one who took care of getting rid of most of my mother's stuff since he took over her bedroom. By then there was a mouse living there but I hadn't gone in there so I didn't know...
Hope the mouse is ok and thanks for watching!
I made any decisions and changes to make it as easy as possible for when I pass I have downsized tremendously and moved to a smaller condo. We have a Living Trust and I have pre-paid for my creation and have left instructions on how I wish things to be done. I have file with family photographs and lore to help my grand daughter know her relatives. I have a dresser drawer with jewelry marked for my grand daughter with a bit of history written with each one. I figure it is enough that my son will have to deal with selling my condo, dealing with furniture clothing etc. Everything I can do ahead of time will make his job easier.
Great stuff! Thanks for watching.
You can contact the US treasury about the bonds. The should be able to re-issue or cash them out
That’s what we’re doing but we still think they may be in the basement lol
Good information. Not sure why you recommend not getting a stair lift. My in-laws got one several years ago. Without it, they would have had to move out of their house. They do not want to do this. Has bought them at least 5 more years in their home.
I’m glad it worked out for you and thanks for watching
Throwing away your spouses paperwork and things really pisses them off. After 33 yrs of marriage I wonder if it’s worth it. I do know the children don’t deserve this. Good luck
Thanks for watching
I've been getting rid of junk, I am in early 60's & just don't want the upkeep
Yep! Thanks for watching.
Last point - we live in rural area, ANY hospital is 30 mins away. A good one, an hour. Best is 2 hours. There is no going to a good hospital.
Great about clearing out early. I wish my in-laws had understood this. MIL quit hauling IN (auctions & garage sales) only when FIL was so ill she couldn't ge gone. Now she can't get out much. 90 yrs old. Supposedly, she is clearing. LOL! Nothing that we notice. My husband is over nearly everyday to get her mail. She has been found to be reading ALL the tax forms and all the years of bookkeeping. (Family farm) Thankfully my husband does go through and throw our old bookkeeping in the fire pile! He keeps 10 yrs bc he's paranoid.
We are 61 & 62. Fourth generation. I have 5 generations of stuff in our basement. Kids (39 & 32) don't have all their things, in-laws left some things here. Some of those things are his grandparents and great-grands, i found out a few years ago.
The positive- when my parents turned 80, all the kids were given a form to list what we wanted and why. Mom kept it in a 3-ring binder. We took most things when we could so there wasn't much left once she died. The day after the funeral we attacked her bedroom and took all we wanted. The rest was donated or trashed. My parents died at 89 & 96! Lived in their home my brother had bought 20+ yrs prior and lived all together. So great that property and most things were settled before mom died. One afternoon to get the rest.
That’s interesting. A 3-ring binder. Thanks for watching!
@SECURiMENTWealthMGMT Mom had everything in "the" 3-rong binder. Info for contact and insurance policies, secret stuff, DNR papers, funerals were planned and pre-paid as much as possible, obituaries written (add in age, date, #of great-grands). I want this done. I'll at least do my info.
100% go to the doctors with your parents as soon as you can!
Absolutely! Thanks for watching.
Doing everything you suggest except I see stairs as good exercise and I am still a hill climber at 79 and maybe I'm lucky but, although I have had things wrong with my body, I never see doctors, I rely in good eating, yoga, and a few good supplements.
Good for you!!! I hope to be you without the yoga!!
One other point I'd like to make is please please have a legitimate Will in place! My husband and I did this with a lawyer in our 50s. My mother passed away suddenly and wrote some stuff on the back of a pizza box. I really wonder if my sister lied and wrote it herself as she was also forging checks in my mother's name including the day she passed. However, she got 600,000 and I literally got 3,000. The money included the house which my sister sold and that placed my schizophrenic brother out. But he got a chunk of money too so he was able to buy a condo. However, my other siblings, 4 could have fought this but chose not to. But I don't have anything to do with my younger sister because I believe she mentally abused my mother and she's a known liar who tries to cause trouble. Please be fair to your children and leave a Will. It isn't that hard!
Jeez. Sorry to hear all this.
It’s called death cleaning ….ive given all my savings and inheritances to my kids. .. I’m only in my 50s but work in nursing care so I know how we can fall off our cliff suddenly
Yep and thanks for watching.
We have everything sorted. Excess household items donated to friends and charities. A number of vintage boxed ready to give to a local lady who runs a shop. More valuable items including our wedding rings are being sold to put towards household maintenance and medical use. Wills include provision of household clearance and cleaning ready for sale by a young local couple who earn a living offering professional service. No invitations to our funerals and definitely no mourning. Special items going to special people and the remainder to charity. We hope for few more years before the final announcement "They're up the garden" 😊
Great stuff. Thanks for watching!