Letting Go | End of Life
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- Опубліковано 16 січ 2024
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Dr. Hoeflinger shares the experience of losing his mom and how sometimes quality of life is more important than quantity of life.
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"Just because we can, doesnt mean we should" is a motto that more healthcare professionals need to learn, live and practice by.
My mother went in for a breast biopsy in 1976. At the time, the norm was to go under anesthesia for the biopsy. If it was positive, you woke up without a breast. My mom, being 38, didn’t want that. She only signed for the biopsy. Her best friend and husband(my dad) were waiting in her hospital room to be by her side when she got the news. The surgeon, pissed at not getting his way, gave my mother medication to wake her up from anesthesia and told her she had breast cancer and was scheduled for a simple mastectomy the next day-no further tests. My mom was brought up to her room in tears and my dad was pissed. He got another doctor at another hospital and signed her out AMA. She had further tests which showed lymph node involvement and had a radical mastectomy a week later. She turns 86 next month.
are they still both alive and married? I hope so.
Hallelujah, Praise God 🙌 🙏 Happy birthday to your Momma.
Great story, God bless your family and Mother, happy birthday !
@Amyspeers8023 I'm so so sorry your Mom and entire family were treated with such disrespect by her doctor. I'm glad she was finally treated much better and has continued on her wellness journey. My Mom had a similar doctor for her Oncologist. In my opinion, this doctor should have retired years earlier. He forgot to be kind and caring, to say the least. He administered Narcan to wake Mom, because he wasn't getting his way in hospital in 2007. So they are still out there. After that experience, I stayed in Mom's hospital room 24/7 until she was released. Best wishes to your family and happy birthday to your Mom!!🌷🌷
@@conorg2876 my dad died in March 2020-he had dementia. They were able to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary in August and my mother wore her wedding dress to dinner!
As a retired nurse and having gone through a devastating diagnosis with my own mother, I learned this is so so very true. Very powerful resonating message. But sometimes families cannot face the imminent death of a loved one , and prolong the inevitable outcome, regardless. So sorry for your loss. You have had many tragic losses. But I believe it has made you the man you are today. You are an amazing man and a wonderful doctor. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Unless she was unable to make choices, why does the family make the decision? At 94, my Mother, former nurse) made the decision ( nothing wrong with her mind- broken hip & kidney's starting to fail) to stop eating, & I had to respect that, even though it was shocking at first. She could have changed her mind at any point. I was with her till the end 7 days) & it was a very peaceful death.
I'm sorry for your loss - thanks for sharing. It is never easy.
@@doctorhoeflinger I have been studying Cancer cells and found something you might be interested in. Is there a website or phone number I can communicate with you through ?
@@thecook8964So true, if the patient is mentally competent. But unfortunately, as with my mom (Alzheimer's) and in Dr. H's mom's case, and so many others, the patient is not able to make any decisions. You are fortunate that your loved one was able to. Having to make these decisions for someone else is very difficult.
My dad was legally not mentally competent but was able to make his wishes known, so grateful now because I know, with certainty, that we honored his choice.
I wish more doctors would be able to share the kind of personal stories that mold how they practice. Thank you for sharing.
I am sorry. Brain cancer is the absolute worst disease. When my significant other had it, we were blessed with amazing medical care and kind compassionate doctors and medical staff. They were kind and honest and I am forever grateful to them. Thank you for sharing this and know your patients are very fortunate to have you as a physician. Losing some one to this disease is impossible to understand unless you go through it. Cancer is a terrible disease but brain cancer literally takes all that you are; gut wrenching and devastating.
What kind of personality changes happen with your SO after having brain cancer?
My beautiful loving kind mother died within hours of a aortic aneurysm being discovered that she probably had had from birth. It was so close to her heart that even had she or the doctor known, there was nothing to be done. When I arrived at the hospital an hour too late, a nurse said to me these words that I have never forgotten. "You won't be comforted by this now, but you later. Your mom was smiling and talking and had a giggle, moments before she died. Then she had "I have a terrible pain. " and she was gone. Trust me, that will give you comfort some day." And it truly has. Painful though it was to lose her so quickly and unexpectedly, it was a gift for her. She was 76 and I would have loved more years with her. Dying and death is a conversation we all need to have with our families before we might think we need to. Well said, doctor, you are clearly compassionate and kind which goes a long way in my book! take care,
Wow, what a great nurse❤
Wow! You are the first neurosurgeon that I’ve seen in 27 years of nursing that is compassionate! God Bless You! And I am sorry for the lost of your mother
I cannot express to you how HARD this hit me.
My Big sister passed away 7 years ago to terminal brain cancer-glioblastoma was her diagnosis. It is eerie how similar your mother's story is to my sister's...
My sister also underwent to surgeries for tumor removal. She survived 8 months.
I will always remember her calling me from the hospital, unable to speak, just crying. She told me to ask our dad what the doctor said. When I got home, my worst nightmare came to life.
Treatment was a huge debate in my family. My parents COULD NOT accept that their 26 year ild daughter was going to die before them. She went through chemo and radiation therapy and surgeries, only diminishing her quality of life even more. I WISH we would have decided to just let her have the time left with her 3 old daughter, instead running in and out of hospitals.
This is one of my greatest regrets, and you are absolutely right, it is something we have to live with everyday. I miss her everyday.
Leigh-ann Cote January 20th,1990- December 2nd, 2016❤
Thank you for advocating for these people, who do NOT have the easy decision to make, deepest sympathy to you and your mother ❤
This doctor is one of a kind these days, but we have all learned something through our experiences, you your beloved sister and me, my brother with bowel cancer, it wasn't worth the effort of the treatment of chemo and radiation but they will push it like they care. I know how you feel, we do miss them.
I lost my brother to Glioblastoma 13 years ago….
He was 41. Same scenario…. He lasted 18 months
My dad had glioblastoma grade 4 they found 4 tumor's in his brain,literally came out of nowhere and that cancer never ran in our family, he always told me joe,if i cant wipe my own ass,and cant do anything for myself, pull the plug,when its my time its my time,we will all go sooner or later,i had a great life with a few regrets, i just want you to be happy and don't worry, do the right thing in life,save your money and watch over your family,we put my dad in hospice was sunny out we wheeled him outside it was a beautiful sunny afternoon,and the good lord, took him,this all happen with in a two week period,some times life dont make any Sense,but we must push forward and keep living, because the memories will never die,unless you give up
Thank you - it's ok to refuse treatment when that treatment will reduce your quality of life. My Dad had malignant melanoma back in the late 198O's. He underwent surgery which reduced his vision and caused him to lose his balance and ability to function independently. He tried chemo and decided the time it might give him would be negated by the time he'd be deathly ill. In the end, he was able to pass at home with family, on his terms. I recently began work as an oncology nurse and hope to transition into home hospice care to help others during this difficult phase of their life.
So sorry for your loss Dr. Hoeflinger, thank you for sharing with us these important life lessons
The lesson(s) you learned from your mother's death were then for the greater good. Her suffering was not wasted. May she be resting in peace and thank you for sharing your wisdom in so many ways with us!
Thank you! I am 75 and have CKD stage 4 and my family is struggling because I don’t want transplant or dialysis. Bless you for for posting, it helped me feel better about my decisions and I think others (family and patients) will also be helped.
May you have blessings and peace for all of your days on earth. Kidney disease is not an easy thing to live with, I know.
🌹❤️
My father now 94 was diagnosed with ckd stage 4 six years ago. He is no where near dialysis or transplant. Not even swelling in the legs or bloated tummy. Atm no meds for BS or BP control. Doctor monitors his condition every closely every 2 moths through blood tests and make nutrition supplements+ medicine adjustments. We carefully monitor his food intake. Given his age he's mostly sleeping over the last 12 months, and a parkinsonism developed same time. Hope this helps to stay positive. Bless you.
Same with my grandfather
I wish you, along with your family, friends and associates, all the best. Stay strong and take care of yourself, and them too. Let me know, by replying to this comment, if you'd like somebody to talk to about anything at all (Wether that's to vent about anything, or just to generally chat, or literally anything else) and I'll give you some ways to contact me to talk. That offer goes for anybody else reading this too. No matter when any of you see this comment, the offer will always still stand. Or if any of you think someone you know could use somebody to talk to, then feel free to help me get in touch with them too. Take care, all of you.
I was dx with Stage 4 colon cancer when I was 42. I was given my prognosis and decided that I wanted to live well instead of trying to live long. That was in June 2016. I do the minimum amount of chemo to shrink lesions until I can be stable enough to take breaks. Most people are chemo for life and do treatments every 2 weeks. It will be 8 yes in June for me and I have been lucky enough to keep living with only 65 ish treatments over the course of that time, usually in 6-8 treatments with 6-9 month breaks. My quality of life is pretty impressive (to me) because I didn’t think you could live that well with a stage 4 dx. I have been on 17 trips since then.
Quality of life is everything.
You were very young to have Stage 4 cancer so I don't blame you for fighting to live. Great you have enjoyed life. But if you were in your 70's would you have fought as hard? I wish you many more years.
Most chemo is for several months at a time and then it's over. So happy things going well for you. Hope you at least got it all removed
It's so hard accepting you're going to lose a loved one, but giving them the dignity of not slowly suffering is often the most humane. 😢
Powerful message. Thank you
Beautifully compassionate. ❤
While my mother doesn't have cancer, she was admitted to hospice and a nursing home at the age of 93 in October 23. She feels like crap most of the time and when speaking to my step dad tonight, he told me some things that they wanted to try with her and he was a bit puzzled and I know that he thought that being in hospice meant not trying to prolong the inevitable which they currently seem to be doing. My mother is a devout Christian with her hope of going to heaven after death, so she doesn't fear dying. It is everything she is going through in the meantime. I had to quit being a RN due to severe arthritis (RA), but when still working at the hospital, I would get so frustrated at the lack of understanding families had and about DNR status, Nobody seemed to be talking to them about it. It is like people seem to think that if you run a full code on someone and they survive, that somehow they will be better. Instead they may have broken ribs, burns from being zapped, etc. and if they come to, they are not cured, they still have whatever is causing them to die. i would like to have DNR tattooed on my chest. I talked to families about their families DNR status. They thought that if they had it at one hospital, it would carry over to another hospital. At that point at least, that didn't happen.
I realize that it has been years and I am sorry about your loss of your mother but do appreciate how her death has made you a better and more compassionate doctor.
I do understand about DNR. I'm the one that put it on my mom (93). I know it was the right decision, she wouldn't have survived any heroic measures. How do get rid of the guilt? Knowing it was the right thing to do but I still feel guilty :-( It's been almost 8 yrs.
@@tuzzdayI am sorry that you feel guilt for your decision. Your mom lived a long life, I hope that it was a happy, healthy one. Her body knew it was time to rest, so it did. Take comfort in that, please. You opened your hand and let her go, you loved her to her natural end. ❤️
@@tuzzdayI understand you so well my friend!! My mom has died of cancer and I had no saying in her treatment (I guess) but I feel so guilty for every little thing i had or had not done. Like if i had talked to her doctor myself or googled the treatment and suggested another clinic or had been more proactive in some way.. I left my job and moved back with my mom the next day we found out her diagnosis. I've been to every treatment with her. And still i feel i didn't do enough... But i kind of know that this is just my mind playing with me.
@@tuzzday When someone has lived to the age your mother did, there should be no guilt at all to allowing them to die. Ask yourself if you mom would have liked to have herself and chest exposed to everyone in the room doing the code, have her delicate skin burned from the paddles that shock her? Broken ribs from compressions? I think many get the idea about coding someone from TV which doesn't tell the whole story. Plus so many in TV medical shows get coded and then they are 'fine'. Generally not true to life. I think somehow many think that if you code them and resuscitate them that they will be all better. No they still have the cancer, heart disease, etc. that is killing them and their body is giving up the struggle. So much better to be able to hold their hand, whisper words of comfort to them, allow them to die with dignity. Please, you haved carried this burden of guilt long enough. My mother is still alive but most days not eating. My ste-dad can't understand how she is still alive when she is not eating, and just isn't doing well at all.
“But you can’t truly wake up cause it’s real life” I felt that 😢
I am a cancer survivor. I went through advanced treatments several years ago. They are brutal! Quality is the best thing to consider over quantity.
I’m very sorry for the loss of your mother; however, it’s nice to know that you are thinking of her experience as you talk to your own patients and applying compassion to them during very difficult times.
But if it wasn't for you choosing to undergo treatment you probably would not have been here commenting under this video right now.
They did the same thing to my grandma. She went to have surgery for something else stomach related & when they cut her open they said they saw cancer everywhere, so they sewed her back up.
When she woke up this surgeon told her she had cancer "everywhere" & "it was the worst he has ever seen" and "she only had 3 months left to live." By the time they let my aunt in the room my grandma was so upset & hysterical after this non cancer specialist made his medical "diagnosis."
Eventually my grandma saw a specialist & started chemo. She lived almost 7 yrs after however watching chemo destroy her & leaving her unable to walk & taste food, I wish she never went through it.
Thank you for your story, God bless 🙏
Yes chemo and radiation are a cruel thing to do when a person is stage IV, because they spend what time they do have, throwing up and getting weaker and weaker. My brother had bowel cancer, I begged him not to do it, but his daughter insisted, but it shortened his life, didn't extend a thing, and in the end could not walk from weakness. Doctor still even pushing chemo, but didn't have it and went into hospice where actually he was happy and looking forward to death.
My mom got horrible pancreatic cancer. Luckily we had the MAID program (Canada) where she could die peacefully and not in pain. Thank you for sharing your experience with your mom. It helped me feel more accepting of the choice my mom made not to suffer too long. I hopoe you will be okay with your mom passing away and that she can rest in peace
As a NP for many years… thank you for sharing your story. I find it torturous to think a physician told your mother about her diagnosis while she was alone 😢
Thank you! So beautiful and compassionate! My mother lived 5 years with stage 4 ovarian cancer. She was an old school RN, she believed that if there was a drug or treatment offered by a physician, she must do it!
That said, the last 2 years of her life was unimaginable!
We need more doctors like you!! Willing to stand up for the right thing, the humane thing!!
Letting go takes so much courage and grace!
My mom had colon cancer, she had surgery and the surgeon said to contact hospice, I said couldn’t you get all the cancer, & he said if he gutted her. Yes, that’s the way he talked to a family that had no idea what was going on. I’ll NEVER forget that. Sorry to hear about your mom, it would definitely make you more compassionate.
I lost my uncle and two cousins to brain cancer. They a passed at the same age. I remember when my uncle was in hospice care at home my employer wod not let me go to see him. He promised me I could have a 4 day weekend. He passed away the day before. I was working in a nursing home at the time. My sister told me he was asking for "hus little nursey but I had to work. I was pregnant at the time. I miscarried at his funeral. I miss my Uncle Glenn even after Ll these years.
So sorry for your losses!
This is such an important message for families to hear. Very powerful. I’m sorry you lost your mom 🙏🏼
Thank you!
Thank you. I made a probably correct decision for my mom, but I am still very regretful- there is no correct decision for someone with cancer.
As a RN , while working in a neurological ICU my mom was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer to her brain. She lived about 6mons after radiation. I took family leave, working 2 days a week. My mom had no pain,had family, friends visit often but the best she had her mini schnauzer always with her. The surgeons and intensive care MD team provided her the best care. She just went to sleep.
My aunt died from the same and quietly passed too. I was amazed there was no pain, but she didn't want any treatment either, which I think was smart to be honest.
I was the only one of 5 family members that knew my Dad was dying. No one would listen to me. Sometimes it is a blessing and a curse to have the knowledge most don't have. God bless you
Thank you for sharing that. My condolences for the loss of your mom. When my mom’s cancer came back, she told me she just wanted comfort care, but my siblings pressured her. She didn’t live longer. She only lost all the quality & dignity of life. I’m glad I was able to forgive them as they are also gone now and we were very close. We are all just doing the best we can! Thank you for bringing this compassion into your practice!
I have been dealing w/health issues for the past few years. It was obvious to me, I will be on this earth for a shorter period of time vs longer. I have been mentally prepared for a while, since it was only a matter of time. Tried to prepare my children and due to the damage of parental alienation, they could not hear me. Two weeks ago, I ended up in the hospital. My middle child received the phone call from my nurse and she was kind to her and also truthful.
My dgt made the decision to stay w/me in the hospital and finally saw the truth of my condition. She discovered I have not been lying to them, she discovered how much I downplay things for everyone around me, she also learned I prefer to make others laugh vs everyone being sad and solemn.
Now, she is struggling since I’ve already stated how far I will go in treatment and what I will not do. This part will be difficult for them b/c they may now want time w/me but what they don’t understand is that the time they want will not be good times and before long they will feel it is a burden on them and then distance themselves to leave me to deal w/issues I didn’t want from the get go.
I’ve already been told by them that great strides in dialysis have been made and it’s not like the 80’s/90’s when I was in nursing. They do not understand the long term effects of dialysis are the same result in the end. However, only life experience will give them understanding of my choices.
My heart breaks for them in the years wasted between us. I can only let them know, it is not their fault, they were manipulated and used by those they should have been able to trust. In the meantime, we make happy memories now for them to hold onto in the future.
By God’s grace, He made me strong and I do not give into pressure. It actually makes me even more stubborn😂
It will not be easy for them, I pray that I will be given enough time to be able to get them to the point of things are good and they understand my decisions🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I think we have to be brave enough to ask how long have I got with or without treatment. What will my quality of life be with, or without? Many oncologists or other specialists won’t offer this information unless you ask. When my 100 pound brother went into the hospital for spine surgery to stave off paralysis from metastatic esophageal cancer, things spiraled downward. He might have gone home for a few months on hospice, but the spinal surgeon wanted to go back and tweak the first surgery because”it needed to be done down the road anyway”. WHAT ROAD? He made it sound like a super quick, in and out of surgery thing, but it wasn’t. When my brother was returned to his room much later than expected it was clear he was not in good shape. Why in hell the hospitalist on duty allowed the second surgery for a man in my brother’s condition, I never understood. Yet, even after all of that, the oncologist said “there are still things we can do”. My brother died peacefully a few days later after refusing more treatment. I’m grateful he was able to make that call himself.
As a hospice nurse for 15 years….. you are right, doctor. Quality of life over quantity is MY primary goal as an advocate for all of my patients that I’m privileged to care for.
Former ICU nurse, and now hospice nurse… Amen.
Amen doctor. We went through similar situation. Mom died in 3 months of an aggressive breast cancer. When she accepted death, she stopped everything and was gone in 3 months. Quality of Life is best as hard as it is to watch and support. Just Love them for their peace. And you too will be at peace.
I am so sorry for your loss. A family member should be present when a patient gets that kind of news. I am a retired hospice nurse. When my husband got cancer at 71 yrs old we discussed quality of life when the news was that he had terminal cancer. Best decision ever. He passed peaceful at home 5weeks later with hospice care and surrounded by loved ones and the meds necessary to keep him comfortable. Dr. You are compassionate and will do what’s best for your patients and make sure someone is with your patient when you have to give them difficult news. Bless you. ❤
Dr. Hoeflinger thank you for sharing your story and the impact it has had you as a neurosurgeon, sorry for your loss. You are caring, compassionate, and a talented surgeon. Your words are so true, not wanting to let go of our loved ones, we will try every treatment option, however, we need to understand the circle of life. Your words need to shared at every medical school and residency program in the US.
I was an ICU nurse for 30 years and the painters for 10 and you are so spot on with all of this. I’ve had to do a lot of palliative care and organ harvesting and it’s difficult and I think that you’re doing a great job.
Losing our loved ones is perhaps the hardest emotional situation to digest and handle. My mother is 91, not trending up and my husband and I care for her full time. I'm blessed to have her in my home, but I agree..you have to know when to let go, do what we know our loved one would really want. There is no good time to say goodbye, I'm hopeful it's more of a see you later. Blessings to you and your family for sharing
I like what you said, Do what we Know our loved one would want.Yes, See you on The Other Side❤
😢😢😢This made me sad. Thank you for sharing Doctor Brian.
I agree with you. Quality over quantity. My mother in law didn’t want to go through the cancer treatment either, however she was told that without it, she will pass away in 6 months. She did all recommended treatments, was absolutely miserable and passed away within 4 months.
Yeah, I find there must be a reason they give chemo, radiation, and it is not for the good of the patient, and I have seen that myself. They go through misery, for what, normally it is a shorter time. It's a learning curve and I would not touch it is I was stage IV and had it in other places in my body, which is where it spreads to. Death is not the end, it's the beginning of something much better than this ball of mud today.
Easy to say when it isn't happening to you.
@@coffeehead68 I said I begged my brother not to do it, it killed him a lot faster than it would have. I know now about the lies of this and I was correct. If people get cancer and have been jabbed they are going to die fast anyway today and do. There has been a cure for cancer, they didn't want that, they have been doing a slow kill for years now, until 2020. Hospitals have their people in place to carry it out today and it's still happening, especially with the naive people. Don't be scared of death, only be scared of going to hell.
Thank you doctor. So sorry for your loss. You did come away from this experience much wiser. Your compassion is evident. My late husband died of congestive heart failure last Easter Sunday. It's now about 9.5 months since his passing. His cardiologist kept him going 10 years after diagnosis, but he had no quality of life for years prior to his death. Oct. of 2022, his third hospitalization since Aug. of 2022, he was sent to OSU Heart and Vascular to have a bad ICD replaced to be told by palliative care he had years to months to live. His final 4 days were spent in ICU where they did everything they could to keep him alive. He ended up on a dialysis machine with 6 IV's, a full oxygen mask, bloody nose, extremely cold with a heated bubble blanket over his body. He rallied on his 2nd day there and was up in a recliner. I think he thought he was getting better. I was distraught. I knew by the morning on day 3 he was going to pass as the doctors told us his kidneys were failing. At that point no one offered to remove him from dialysis. The everything of day 4, after watching him have air hunger, gulping literally as much air as he could, he finally calmed down. I had a hard time hearing him with the mask on, and leaned over him to talk to him. He grabbed me and hugged me close urgently. Asked me to forgive him for anything he ever did to hurt me, that he loved me. I asked him to forgive me too, that I loved him. We had closure. A few hours went by when he said "stop it". I asked him and he repeated "stop it". I said "you want everything to stop and be turned off?" He said "stop it". After the doctor confirmed he was aware if what he was asking for they told me they would turn everything off and remove the IV'S. Otherwise that decision would have been left up to me, his wife. IV'S removed, dialysis machine tubes taken from his neck, Adderall and Morphine given in his neck and he passed quietly. Those last hours were horrible for him. I struggle wondering what could have been done differently for him that would have been less painful, more compassionate.
😢😢 you are so right about that. My mom died at exactly 72 for no apparent reason. She just went into a system failure after being in severe depression after my father's death four years ago. She was in a coma for exactly two weeks and then she passed away peacefully after that. The doctor had asked us,her kids, to sign a document to put her on a ventilator, but I declined to allow that. She always wanted to go with dignity and in peace so we could not put her through any pain without any hope of her revival. Now in my sixties, I have told my husband and kids not to put me through any unnecessary procedures when it's time for me to go. Let's hope and pray that I have a good and peaceful end too. Aameen!
"There is only one kind of person in this world. The kind who dies." Let's be kind.❤
Now we get cancer diagnosis from a MyChart notification.😖
Thank you for treating your patients with care and respect and humility. It’s sadly becoming rarer in the medical world
Well said, Dr. Hoeflinger.
Retired OR RN here; your message needs to reach many millions who are - and will - face the questions about diagnosis, the future, quality of life, and how they want to use the time they have left.
I think the average American is unaware of basic, reasonable measures to care for well babies and children, common illnesses, and good nutrition.
I am sad to observe the decline in confidence of our healthcare systems, which is due to many, many factors.
I am grateful you are actively reaching out to the public to talk to us about health matters. What you're doing is making a difference.
I'm sorry your mom was taken from this life so abruptly, a very hard loss for you and your extended family.
Thank you for the gift of your perspective, wisdom, time, and experience. It is much appreciated. 🌷🌞🌷
God Bless you.
You are an Earth Angel...I lost my Mother at age 11..She had a postpartum bleed, and bled to death, leaving my Dad with 4 children..That experience changed my life, but encouraged me to become a nurse..For 45yrs in critical care, I always treated my patients, as family..That is why you are so compassionate..Your a blessing to so many..Thank you for spreading these messages of love and compassion..
It's really great when the doctor can personally relate. "Quality over quantity!" That's key. Thank you.
My father died of stomach cancer. He never knew he had cancer. We were asked to decide if he was going to have quimo or not and allow the illnes to take its course. He was happy and funny in his own bed. We took him out of the hospital, all the bruises dissapeared. He died with all his children taking care of him and in his own bed and his own house where he fell safe. God bless him. Miss you Papá.😢
Thank you for this message. “More is not always better” is a powerful message that really needs to be considered when there is a terminal diagnosis. Your experience with your mom clearly has made you a more compassionate doctor.
More realistic and down to earth is a special doctor these days.
Thank you about speaking on quality of life. When I was diagnosed with cancer no one explained how the treatments came with their own issues. I wish I would have known. I am now at a point in my life where I decided it would be much better to enjoy a few good years than 5 miserable years.
Thank you for sharing such an amazing story about your mom. And thank you most of all for helping patients because of your mom. Are you sure you’re not a cardiologist because you’re sure tugging on my heart. Please teach this aspect of medicine to any physician that will listen. Always do mom proud
Thank you for the kind words!
Thank you for sharing this story, I went through the same thing with my mother when she was only 42. She was a devoted Christian and I was amazed of how brave she took her illness. She supported us more than we did her. A friend reminded me that while we will suffer the loss of her, she is leaving behind everything as she knew it and recommended I read the book, “On Death and Dying” an excellent resource. 50 years have passed and not a day goes by I don’t miss my mother or think about her. I just hope that when I confront the inevitable I am as brave and strong as she was.
Thank you for sharing your story. My mom was diagnosed with glioblastoma my first week working as a nurse. I am a NP now and I apply so many of the things I learned from my mom's experience to the care I provide. Your patients and their families are so lucky to have a neurosurgeon who understands what they are going through.
God Bless you! More Dr’s should follow your example. Thank you for being compassionate. I lost both my parents in my 20’s. My mother died of breast cancer at 50 and my dad three years later from lung cancer. I wish the oncologist I dealt with were like you. Would have made a very tragic situation a little bit more palatable.
I'm sorry to hear about your mom's horrible experience.
In 1981 my dad was diagnosed with gallbladder cancer. They told him right after they woke him up from anesthesia that he had cancer. I saw my dad give up and he only lived 6mos after diagnosis. He had his abdomen opened from one side to the other. They inserted a draining tube to drain the bile. He started chemo treatment after he healed from the surgery. He suffered so much because he lost so much weight and couldn't keep anything down due to the chemo. Then it metastasized from gallbladder to liver then pancreas. 😢
Had a friend with the same, she was told how long, and didn't take any treatment, wanted to spend quality time with her granddaughter and she did and then passed peacefully at home.
Bless you for how you transformed a tragedy into a lesson on how to be a more compassionate doctor. I pray one day I have a doctor like you. ❤
I believe in exactly what you said. Quality of life is better than quantity
I lost my dad after three weeks of brain cancer in July . We all got to take care of him, thinking that he had prostate cancer that was supposed to be under control for 4 years . I’m thankful it went fast and he quit treatment after two days. Prayers for you nobody ever knows what is right in that situation there are too many factors. And guilt no matter what you decide. ❤ you took care of your mom that is what matters
You are right - guilt occurs even if is the best decision. We are human.
Death isn't the end, we'll all meet each other when we go back to the *real* life.
I’ve worked in the medical field for several decades now and I wish there were more physicians like YOU!
May God bless you and your family and may your Mother rest in peace. 🙏
I’m sure she’s proud of you and all the good you do for others.
You truly make a positive difference in the lives of so many people Dr. Hoeflinger.
Thank you very much for your nice comment
The problem with deciding whether or not to do treatment is, in the moment, everyone (the patient and family) thinks there MAY be a chance of survival. And that chance, no matter how small, is usually enough for the patient and the family to decide to undergo treatment. I lost my dad to liver cancer, and he died in 2 months from 1st diagnosis to passing away.
What I'm trying to say is that if we all knew BEFOREHAND that he was only going to live for 2 months, we wouldn't have wasted all the time and energy into medical visits and hospital stays. It's extremely difficult to make the decision to undergo treatment when you don't fully know the ending outcome.
My Mother died of terminal cancer, too. Possibly started as an inoperable sinus tumor said her doctor. It spread to her face, brain, etc. Her face started to dissolve, lumps all over her face unrecognizable and a shock when I saw this. My marriage of 20 years ended, husband walked no empathy few days after funeral even though I remained positive. I understand surreal emotional trauma that is back to back. I am retired now have 2 college degrees and a Nurse Technician. We have to learn to survive emotionally which many don't know the pathway. I attended R.N. School for Nurses. when I was 19 years old my Father died on the day I finished my exam that night and he had just turned 45 yrs old. I am sorry to hear your family went through so much trauma, too. My faith got me through what seemed overwhelming grief. I do volunteer ministry work and focused earlier on a positive attitude working in social security disability and other work in banking, pharmacy, etc. I am 👌ok and you will be, too. Prayers to you and family, Rev. Mary Wrenn
The trials in your life has enabled you to be very empathic, compassionate, and humble with others. I hope it has enabled YOU to find peace and comfort with the decisions you have made in the past and the future. I send you love. I am grateful for you sharing your personal life with us. May we all learn from it.
I can totally relate. My dad just passed 2 months after diagnosis of Glioblastoma. Had surgery, was supposed to have chemo/radiation, but his body was too weak. Went on hospice for a month and then passed away. So horrible to watch the deterioration of not only their body, but their mind. So sorry for your loss.
Thank you fine sir for this video. You sound like exactly the type of doctors we need. Nothing is more dehumanizing than poorly treated by a physician with no bedside manner or tact. It is one of the most important skills, the way a patient feels emotionally has a direct impact on their well being.
Thank you for sharing this. My mom was active and, seemingly healthy; one day, out of the blue, diagnosed with soft tissue sarcoma, with bone, lung, liver, and brain mets. The physician was annoyed that no one further down the ladder had informed us, and just said “ they should’ve told you, but you have Sarcoma.”) She, and my dad, asked point blank, about treatment, realistic outcomes from treatment, and prognosis, without treatment. They specifically asked about forgoing treatment, but they were told, with optimism, bordering on a complete lie, that this was “very treatable,” and she started an ICE protocol. She lived eight months of misery, from her reaction to treatment ( and possible disease progression, but not visible on films.) I’m a big believer in telling patients the truth, and letting them make well-informed decisions. My mom ( and my dad and I) would’ve chosen, better time over more time.
So grateful of you sir… very saddening to hear about your mom… but for me as a medical student it’s a take home message that you implement the change you felt wrong of (i.e. revealing diagnosis to the patient in absence of family members)
Your videos are so inspirational and heartwarming ❤❤❤
Your MOMwould be super proud of you for helping thousands of other moms and patients !!🙏🏻🙏🏻
I wholeheartedly agree with everything you said. I am a retired RN and have seen families who want everything done, no matter the prognosis. Thank you for sharing, and I am so sorry for your loss. 🙏🏻
It is a fear factor to be like that, and it is about both at the time, it takes time to learn things at time, but it's worth it to let nature take it's course and pallative care when needed.
I had a similar experience with my Grandfather late in his life. He developed severe dementia and I watched as the disease slowly robbed him of the person he was. His health declined rapidly and my relatives couldn't let go of him and he underwent procedure after procedure. Sure he lived longer, but it wasn't him any more. He spent each day in fear because he knew that he was losing himself and there was nothing he could do about it. Having to watch all of this transpire was extremely difficult but helped me realize there is a big difference between someone living versus being kept alive. Just because the body is there doesn't mean the person is any longer and while it's extremely difficult letting someone go, letting them go peacefully can be the kindest thing you can do for them.
I appreciate your honest and empathetic message. I lost my mom about 10½ yrs ago to ALS. She passed about 1yr½ after diagnosis. When she chose to not take medication, have a feeding tube, be on a Ventilator, etc- to help extend her life, basically quality over quantity I completely understood why she made that choice and accepted it bc of my research and knowledge of what she essentially had to look forward to. I wouldn't want that. My mom was 'my person", and of course I didn't want her to leave me. What's worse is that she was "gone" way before she even passed. We lost means of communicating earlier than we could have predicted, which was also really hard. ALS is such a brutal disease, and although I still struggle with her being gone, I'm glad she didn't have to suffer longer than she did.
I do believe it's a personal choice for the person experiencing any sort of terminal illness, how they'd like to proceed. It's important to express your desires with your loved ones while you have the ability to do so, even if you're in your 20's, 30's, 40's and so on because you never know when a day may come where you aren't able to inform them of your end-of-life desires. It may be a hard discussion, but it would be much harder under duress, when everyone is emotional and the at-risk person isn't able to advocate for themselves. ❤
Also, my condolences for the loss of your mother. I feel like it never gets easier; it just gets... "different." 🕊🕯
This is a true Doctor a true man of Medicine.
Thank you for sharing your personal journeys with us. So true, it is one of the hardest times in life. Please continue to keep sharing. ❤
My mother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, she lived 6 years bedridden and didn't recognise or respond to her children. That's a lesson in letting go.
What a kind compassionate doctor you are. It seems that some doctor lose that over time. They are doing their jobs day in and day out and they forget that for the patient and their families this is a tremendously difficult time. The patient is one of many to you, but for the patient you are the lifeline. And they are basing their most critical decisions for themselves and loved ones on the things you say and how you say them.
Your patients are lucky to have you as a doctor. The world needs more amazing, compassionate doctors like you.
Thank you for sharing, I imagine your empathy has positively impacted all your patients and colleagues.
Somehow we started believing it is wrong to allow a natural part of life to occur at home, peacefully with loved ones present and comfort the priority. We think others would perceive it immoral or shameful even if the alternative results in suffering and isolation.
I think it's so important to normalize talking about death with loved ones so we understand how they feel and make informed choices that respect their wishes at the end of life.
I'm a former hospice nurse, my children know my wishes and have been assured I'd never want them to hesitate to honor them. And by no means would that be considered purposefully shortening my life or witholding care...
It's actually profundly increasing the care.
My husband passed from GBM, stage 4. From diagnosis to death...5 months 😢😢😢
Surgery and 1 week of chemo. Short time radiation. I watched my brilliant, healthy cowboy turn into someone else.
I'm so sad to see this devil cancer doesn’t seem rare anymore.
I am so sorry & my condolence.
@seed.meditation thank you so much. Your message really hit home. You take care 🙂
Always my support and prayers with you. Kindly jam into my world. Respect
Thank you for sharing this. I am a 1st year medical student and appreciate your insight very much. I want to strive to be the best doctor I can be and it’s lessons like these that I believe will help me guide patients and families with greater care.
You are absolutely correct. I also made the hard decision with my mother in 2017. My mother was diagnosed with anal cancer, but I had to take into consideration that she had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's 9 months prior. I could not put her through the trauma of surgery/ treatment when she had no chance of beating either diagnosis. I have struggled with that decision, but I would hope my child would make the same call for me.
That's one reason why every January 1st I review my advanced medical directives and have the "talk" with my loved ones. Never know when something might happen. Thanks for sharing.
You are a wonderful DR. Hoeflinger. I wish there were more Doctor hoeflinger.
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My husband was told over the phone that he had pancreatic cancer and 3 months to live! We found a great Surgeon and oncologist and he lived 17 months. TOLD OVER THE PHONE! 😢
Thank you for your compassion and kindness. More Drs. need to be like you. I totally agree. Quality of life in my view is how I would want it. We had a family member go through chemo/radiation and suffering for an aggressive breast cancer that had spread to her lymph nodes. She suffered and passed shortly after all of this grueling treatment when she could have possibly spent more quality time not suffering these grueling treatments.
Thank you, Dr. Hoeflinger! I am a RN of nearly 50 years, and I wholeheartedly agree with you! With both of my parents, we tried to carry out their wishes--they desired that quality of life should take precedence over quantity. I recently lost a dear friend who struggled and suffered for 3 years following the diagnosis and surgery for glioblastoma. Her adult children and her siblings could not accept the inevitable outcome, and she continued with chemo for 3 long years. She would have been much happier with palliative care and quality time with her family. We all experience acceptance and grief in different ways/timelines--it took them a long time to be able to let her go. Thank you for the care you give your patients and their families!
I wish more doctors are like you!😢
So sorry about your mom. I totally agree with you about quality of life over time.
Sir, you are a wonderful, son and doctor. I was a geriatric nurse and worked briefly in the ICU as well. I saw many difficult end of life situations. Then, suddenly I worked out my mother’s final wishes. It is another world when it involves end of life decisions for your mother or father. We must carry out their last wishes. God Bless you, doctor🦋.
My mother, being a nurse, was diagnosed with colon cancer. She agreed to have surgery but when the results came back in later that it had spread she wanted to let go but my dad wanted her to get chemo. My mother relented but did one round and said that's it. She refused to eat and was sent home on Hospice. She lived for 2 wks and passed away pain free. Thank you for sharing and sorry for your loss! I'm so thankful that you learned from your mother's experience and have treated patients and families with dignity and respect!
When my mother was dying the nurses pushed way too hard to send her to hospice. We did not have enough information about her condition and her prospects. Everyone told us something different. She was not in great pain and had memory loss which was a blessing because she would have been terrified. It took us weeks for her to decline enough that we knew what to do. But they were GOOD weeks, she talked even though she wasn't sure about what was going on, she could say I love you. I had to push back at one young RN who thought my mother needed to go to hospice. She thought she was right, but she wasn't. I lived with my mother most of my life because we loved each other. Either me or my brother was with my mom every minute during her last weeks. My brother spent 2 weeks at the hospital 24/7.. that's right, he did not go home at all. My mother was always terrified of dying her whole life, no way could I live with withholding care at any time before I was sure she was slipping away, because SHE wouldn't want that.
Of course we had a dnr in place, we didn't demand extreme measures. I knew when it was time, I feel totally at peace with when we stopped life support, and am confident she did not suffer, she slipped into a coma before we went to hospice.
Eerie that this came up in my queue, my first husband died 35 years ago today from glioblastoma multiforme (GBM) at age 30.
It was 12 weeks after diagnosis following a debulking brain surgery done at Hospital Paitilla, Panama City Panama on December 26, 1988. He was medically evacuated to Bethesda Naval Medical Center on Jan 12, 1989. And died there on Feb 11, 1988. He was in the USAF and was TDY to Howard AFB Panama Canal Zone.
I would never want my worse personal enemy to go through what he did, nor their families.
Thank-you Dr. Hoeflinger, and condolences on loss of your mother.
A dear friend of mine was supposedly cancer free after many months of treatment and when she went back for her follow up appointment she went back to the room alone not expecting anything more than a regular checkup. He told her that day she would be lucky to make it 6 months. When she came out crying uncontrollably we knew she had gotten bad news. She was so upset that he would give her that kind of news when she was in there alone. He didn’t even ask if someone was there with her. She died about 5 months later. It always bothered me that she experienced that. 😢 she was only 38 years old.
Thank you for sharing this, and I'm sorry for your loss!
This is so true, my mother had cancer at 54 and it became a struggle between what we wanted and what she wanted. She told us that she wanted no more and we respected that. Thank you for being honest❤
I’m an OR nurse, I’ve seen so many cases of patients having procedures not because it would help the patient, they were procedures done because the families were not able to let go and allowed the loved one to die with dignity.
Thank you so much doctor, you’re one of a kind, truly a kind soul!
I have a feeling that nurses and techs truly enjoy spending the day in you OR! ❤❤❤
Thank you.
Dr. Johnson was so kind after my mother's stroke.
Telling me , without telling us; this is it , as I see it.
Just in the way he held our hands.
Bless you Dr.Johnson.
So sorry for your loss. Thank you for your honesty.
Don’t blame yourself it’s really hard when you watch someone you love die of cancer I watch my mom die of colon cancer and my wife died a few months after that from breast cancer. Of course we tried all the treatment chemotherapy radiation, clinical trials. It’s not your fault it’s the human thing to do is to try to save someone’s life when they’re terminally ill. Sometimes the doctors don’t have the heart to tell you a bit in your case. The doctor was ruthless he should’ve waiteduntil Family was there. I agree with you, but please don’t blame yourself man it’s not your fault sounds to me like you’re a pretty damn good doctor.❤
I’m a retired critical care nurse (worked 45 years), and admire your compassion so much. It’s rare to find a doctor with your level of kindness and compassion, which you attribute to your experience of the sad and tragic loss of your Mom. However, I believe you would be that way without having had such exposure to pain and suffering. You are an exception and your patients are fortunate to have you in their corner. Never change, sweet man. ❤️
Much appreciated hearing this.