@@SmackedyDoo Yes because the first comment said to love someone gives you courage. But I think the courage already needs to be in place. Because being vulnerable requires courage. And like you said to love someone’s requires being vulnerable. So it all depends on each other
It’s not a rant. It’s common sense and you’re passionate about it. Especially seeing person after person pursue someone who doesn’t want them long term and getting hurt.
I think we are all a little guilty sometimes of overlooking the blatant red flags to convince ourselves that a fun carnival lies ahead but Matthew is the one that gets bombarded with the same scenarios and same complaint of the same hurt unfolding and I would imagine you would get tired of trying to get people to listen to the advice and actually execute it so it doesn’t happen again. Poor guy. Love his passion
@@firelily77 it has been me. I wised up and moved on. If someone doesn’t want you (or me) then there’s no reason to stick around. Unless we want to feed our egos by getting them to want us or we enjoy being miserable. It’s foolish to think we’ll be happy with someone who doesn’t want us… or selfish.
If I see the chosen option “figuring out my dating goals” on a dating app it’s a red flag. If a guy is still figuring that out, they’re not ready for a relationship.
Or it’s sister choice of “Don’t Know Yet” yet they’re on a dating app!?! 🙄 Baby, they KNOW exactly what they are looking for but they ALSO know that their options and access to you and many others would immediately dry up if they told the truth about their intentions. A grown ass adult (22+) saying “Not Sure”, “Don’t Know Yet” and the like is a manipulator/user/opportunist using coded language for low key casual sex/FWB/situationships while leading you to believe there’s a POSSIBILITY for more. AVOID THESE PEOPLE. THEY WILL HURT YOU.
The red flag is not knowing what they want. I made the mistake of getting back with my ex when she reached out to me 5 months after breaking up with me. When she first broke up with me, she specifically said something like "I don't want the same things I thought I did." When we got back together, surprise surprise, it didn't work out. We constantly had problems. I made it clear I needed to go very slow. If we were going to try this again, it needed to be very slow and steady. 2 months into it, she asked if I saw us (her and her daughter) like my family. I wasn't there yet and she was devastated. I have always known what I want and was always upfront and honest about it. To me, it seemed like she liked the good parts of the relationship. But when things got hard, she threw herself into other areas of my life and got mad that I didn't hunt her down to force her to talk about what was bothering her. I don't think she was a bad person. I love her and miss her. But two days ago, I ended things and the breakup felt pretty mutual. I don't think she has realistic expectations of a relationship. She always expected 110% when she was in the mood for a relationship. When she wasn't, it was expected that I be okay going a week or two without seeing her in person, and maybe occasionally video chatting, despite the fact I was always willing to drive to see her (she was less than an hour away). And that's the final thing. If someone doesn't make time for you, they're not the right person for you. When I started a new job almost an hour away from where I lived, I was often back home about 12 hours after waking up 5 days a week. I had very little free time, and what free time I did have, I prioritized her. Even before we started fighting, there would be entire weeks she wouldn't "have time" for me. You make time for what's important in your life. If someone doesn't have time for you, that can be a hard pill to swallow, but understand you aren't important enough to them. And if they go hot and cold sometimes, understand they probably don't know what they want, or at least their inconsistency is unacceptable. I realize no one is probably going to read this, especially since I went off on a total tangent. I just need to vent and write this out.
It's good to verbalize the experience, helps to put it in perspective. I don't think either of you is to blame here though. She's now a single mother and raising a kid has to be a huge consideration for her. I think a lot people aren't clear what they want. They tend to work that out in real time in their relationships, which can be brutal on their partners.
I’ve watched this channel for years, and about 7-8 months ago is when I started to fully internalize all the lessons. Life has been so much more peaceful in the past year. I just want to say thanks for having made videos for so long. Sometimes it takes hearing something hundreds of times before a message finally sinks in.
The more indoctrinated by society or else you are, the longer the truth takes to sink in. I had was the same with abuse. Took way to long to accept that yes, what happened to me was really that bad.
True!!! It takes time for your mind to be renewed as the Bible says. You can have a head "knowledge" of something, but it needs to sink into your heart.
Situationship is the person being not clear so they use you and they don’t care. Their comfort matters more than your sanity and safety. If you want to be fwb and participate in hook up culture, whatever just say that and hook up with randoms. Cool. Don’t lead someone on who is monogamous on and then turn on them and say, “we are not in a relationship why are you so upset” no victim blaming, be clear and upfront with them and no games and manipulation. Awful I have my love now but no one deserves a situationship, I never felt so unloved and invalidated as someone who is ace/demi.
No one can last being in a situation ship. Eventually emotions come out. It’s a terrible thing to do to someone. No one should feel like they’re being used !
It's so common that many guys just want casual relationships hook-ups for sex and if the female is not on board just for that and is wanting something more meaningful , or vice versa the cards should be on the table by both parties, by both of them stating their expectations and desires so you don't get your heart broken and to prevent, potentially, a lot of emotional and mental pain. On either side
The best advice I have seen from the male side of relationship advice is that when a girl says she is not interested, take the L and move on. Don't nag, don't try to convince the or just be friends, move on and stop wasting time. No one has convinced someone intellectually to like them better.
As an older woman 100% agree-believe her-your queen will come! People don't connect to everyone and she has probably said no for that reason or no/ not enough attraction not necessarily because you are not a good person..
I just turned 70 recently. I'm in my 2nd marriage. When I started going out with him he said something about not being ready for a relationship. We were both divorced so I got that but my response was "as hard as the divorce was and painful I AM ready for a relationship, with the right person. What I'm hearing is that you're not ready for a relationship with me. I thanked him for his honesty and said it had been fun but I didn't want to waste my time, nor his. We've been happily married for 30 years 😊
I didn't see it as you being mad... I see it as someone who's trying to get a clearly obvious message across, knowing 90% of the crowd are not understanding 😁
I think the thing we have to make peace with, is the idea that attraction is in the same realm as winning. It’s not. Attraction is a very primal thing. In work or sports, you train harder, you have a chance. Not so with a person being emotionally attracted to you. You can’t train harder. One of Matthew’s analogies- shopping for a dress- is the right mindset. If the dress doesn’t look good on you, it just doesn’t. You don’t keep trying it on and hoping the dress will change color or shape. And the dress isn’t suddenly going to try to look good on you. The dress is what it is. You’re the hight and build you are. Time to move on to trying on another dress that fits you like a glove, no matter how much you want that first dress to be the one.
I could see myself saying that early on in a relationship in attempt to avoid creeping her out by making her think I’m love bombing or otherwise coming on too strong, appearance of future faking, etc.
@@dr1flush Some men will say in conversation "Even if this doesn't work out some one will be lucky to have you" He basically saying that he is not in it for the long run up front.
I think this is so true. If someone wants something very different most of the time you can't change them. So if they're not interested in a relationship then respect that, but don't let them use you like you are in a relationship. The only thing worse is someone who swears that they do want a relationship but never really commits, maybe they have good intentions or maybe they're just know this is what you want to hear. You can lose years of your life this way.
So true Pamela!! Likewise, 6 yrs used. Never argued all great then out of the blue after coming to dinner night before, sends a text- you are too disrespectful and abusive. I cant see you anymore😮 I am not that, never has anyone said that to Me, I am the opposite then I asked if he was depressed? No. Then he stonewalled me. I also said oh this is you found someone else. Not at all. I was excruciating hurt and it’s taken nearly a year to try and get past it. A few guys want me but I can’t move forward as I loved this guy warts and all. Now I see from other men how used I was and how one should be treated however I cannot trust my judgment and I’m happier being me and enjoying life as a single happy person.
@eleanormartin6923 i have so many things to say to you. I was in the same shoes. Most probably also you met with a manipulative covered narcissist. I wish you all the best ❤️🙏
I didn’t see a rant and I’m a pretty chilled out Aussie. I saw someone that is very passionate about what he’s talking about, is authentic, and the right man for the job he’s doing.
There have been multiple times I've met really good guys and there's chemistry, but then they say they aren't looking for a relationship, usually because of a recent divorce or ending of a long relationship. There is such a self empowering and self loving feeling when you can have an honest convo with those men and state you are both in different phases and it was very nice meeting them and part ways.
@@360shadowmoon there's just a bunch of broken people out there who really shouldn't be in the dating game if they aren't ready for it. I ended up taking a step back and asked myself "is there a reason why I am the most attracted to unavailable men?" The ugly truth was I wasn't really emotionally available and was subconsciously more connected with like minded men because I felt safe and relaxed with them knowing it was never going to go anywhere." I have been doing work on myself since then and am in a much better mind and heart space.
I thought I wasn't ready for a relationship but it's currently me trying hard to keep my lady focused on us. She wanted a bf but also wants to keep all her old connections no x's, including staying with them on holidays she is planning.
This man is a gift to the world! He explains everything in a very objective, logical way with incredible metaphors. So thankful for u Matthew!!!! Been watching your videos for 10 years now, since I’m a teenager
I would appreciate it if someone says that to me instead of hiding it and lying about wanting something they really don’t want or can’t have at that stage of their life!💡
I know you're more geared for women, but honestly exchange the pronouns and it works just as well for us guys. Plus you keep things positive, which I really appreciate.
Things changed for me once i realised there is a season for everything. It takes the pressure off of friendships, relationships, jobs etc. It stops us from trying to control people and environments.
Same, FWB of recently, we know eachother for 9 years, she can be incredibly kind & generous but can instantly become rude and selfish, and I don't like the drama, so I distance myself as needed, I didn't sign up for that BS, I'm a great listener, I'm always being supportive, but that's unacceptable, considering my way out without losing the good moments but the truth is you can't change the other person.
You deserve better. Fwb is transitional and transactional so if you are expecting anything more and they are using you as their Thearpist, you should leave, go to thearpy and work on yourself, and let someone in cautiously who values you emotionally and sexually, you deserve love and not being treated like an appliance.
@@elesaknowles5664 Thanks, after realising we're not aligned to be exclusive, we both agreed clear and cut to keep it casual, fwb.. yet she still does things a girlfriend would do and I love that, so I give back. it's obvious that she wants more but won't be open about it, expecting me to read her mind and gets overly offended when I don't reach out enough, I'm going to end things, that's unhealthy. Thanks for your input.
I would say it's maybe more you don't want to lose what you think you potentially could have in the future IF things were different, can't lose what you don't have! (Coming from someone who's been in this situation!) X
You are worth more! Now that you have had the light come on, don’t turn it off again!! God didn’t create you to be used, but to be adored and cherished.
I had my heart broken by a man who intially said that he was open to a possible relationship but wanted to take it slowly. Then, when he broke up with me, he made out like "I never said I was wanted a relationship!" But he made me feel like a relationship was possible.
@@kristenfromOZ or someone who just doesn't know what he wants! Immature, definitely not trustful for something more than a single chance. At most of time, in a not conscious way! Lack of self reflection it's such a scarce resource!!
My heart broke last December by a man in exactly the same situation. It makes me sad, because I thought everything was clear, because we talked explicitly about how we both wanted to date each other. But I also think that this man is still immature (even though he studied social studies for a while?) But now, I say this with pain in my heart: it is better now. Even though I am still sad about the situation, I feel like I am growing and I feel so relieved!
Well he wasn't lying. This is like someone offering you a free sample of some food and asking "do you want to try some?" and they say "maybe. I can try it". And when they try it you ask " did you like it?" and they say "yeah, it was good" but that doesn't mean they want to buy it and pay full price for it! If that's what you think then you are reading too much into it. You just have to come to terms with the fact that a lot of people are less enthusiastic about our offerings than we are, and you often hear what you want to hear because you are desperate to sell them what you want. You need to be totally cool with them and not expect anything from them, keep offering samples, and only invest in people who are genuinely interested and enthusiastic about what you are offering. They are out there but they are a minority. If you have experience selling things you will notice the difference between a motivated customer and a politely interested customer/tyre kicker. It's like night and day. So don't read too much into people's slight hints of interest, just warmly invite them to participate in your offering and be totally cool with whatever their response. And invest based on their genuine motivation to have what you are offering
Listen to Matthew. As a guy, looking for a relationship. We truly do know that it is what we want. If you are ready for a relationship, and the guy is on the fence, it is better to find someone else that will work towards the same goal as you, without hesitation.
I was dating someone who said early on they wanted a relationship, but later on - backtracked and I was shattered. Im now dating someone who started out saying he didnt want a relationship, but here we are now 6 months later in a relationship and i couldn't be happier. Life!! Go with the flow.
Omg this is so true I spent 3.5years persisting with someone who said at the outset they didn't want a relationship, hoping he'd change, he did to a small extent, admitting about 2 years in that he considered us in a relationship , yet still never invested into the relationship. Hindsight has taught me to walk away if I see this again.
This video must be such an eye-opener for so many people. I am from Russia, but looks like relationship language is universal. Have been watching you for about 3 years now. Thanks for another great video!
It's important to understand that most people THINK they evaluate things with reason and rationality and then make decisions based on that, but this is exactly the opposite of the way it happens. We generally feel a certain way about something, someone, or a decision in front of us, and then justify and rationalize that feeling. It's amazing the mental gymnastics we all do on a daily basis to justify doing irrational or unreasonable things, and the sooner we understand almost all decisions are deeply rooted in emotion the better we are able to understand ourselves and one another.
As a guy, I know where this comes from, when you hear this phrase it's almost always because the guy realizes you're much more into him than he's in you. It doesn't mean he's bad guy, and doesn't mean he's going to hurt you intentionally, but it means you're not a challenge, let him come to you in his own pace. Plus, are willing to put your life on hold for a guy that doesn't make an effort? I think not.
What is this BS with being a challenge? I am a guy and this is one of the most stupid things ever in that context. If you want a challenge go climb Mount Everest, some people just want stuff to work out lol.
@@MrReese Amen ! last thing i want from a woman is a challenge ! The truth behind: “I am not ready for a relationship” is “you are not good enough but we can fuck”
Yes it does mean he is a bad guy, if he seeks to exploit her by trying to force her into his model. She wants serious relationship, so don't try to play around that. Just take it or leave it.
When someone told me they weren’t ready for a relationship, I said, “ok, good luck to you and good bye”. I didn’t know it was an option to keep hanging with them, since they already told me they don’t want to hang out like a date
Thank you Matthew! It's so true! I didn't want to see this red flag, I was convinced that by knowing me better he would change his opinion about not wanting a relationship. He broke up and broke my heart 😢😢😢 💔
Thanks Matthew!! This is exactly what I needed to hear. It's funny how we try to come up with different interpretations of what the guy meant, when we really shouldn't have to guess whether a man is interested or not 😅
It's been an intense few weeks with relationships where the men in my life (not romantic) have not been stepping up to their promises of treating me or their responsibilities well. I LOVE being reminded to go with the flow and simply redirect myself towards the "Yes" in my other relationships and opportunities.
I saw that rant when it was posted. I loved it. It was passionate, honest, and from your heart. Your authentic concern for others is what makes you so successful. On a different note, I don’t know how anyone can tolerate Matthew McConaughey. I can’t stand him.
As a woman, I have never been desperate to find a man or a relationship with a man. I know my value and have never settled, and it truly saddens me that women of all ages chase men, make an ass of themselves every day because they pursue disinterested men. The problem here is not how the man is acting, it's how the woman doesn't set firm standards for herself and compromises who she is just to have garbage in her life.
Yeah but the bloody thing is the want is never matched. I was in a relationship where I was "meh" about the girl and probably hurt her. I was in another relationship where I really liked the girl but she was "meh" about me. Its so rare and precious to find a couple where its matched. Now I'm worried that if I don't heal my heart if that does happen I will ruin it because past traumas will get in my way
@@PhilipWardaTotally, I don't know how people ever get into relationships that really work well. It's always that I'm really into someone but the person doesn't like me so much, or the other way round
Awesome video, Matt! And SO true! I made that mistake in the past. NEVER AGAIN. I am not a fixer-upper, I want a "turn-key" person. Only green lights. Thank you so much!!! ☺☺☺
Fair enough. However, be sure that you are centered, yourself so that you are a “turn key”person, yourself. Last year, I encountered a person who made my heart literally levitate in a way that confused me. I say confused, because while she was gorgeous, and I haven’t felt that good in my heart before or since, her personality was absolutely ratchet. Rude and condescending, with a hoarse voice that made me wonder if she had a temper problem. And so I refused to engage her, mainly because there was too much risk of being MeToo’d. You have to be ready _at all times._ Be aware of yourself, and don’t sweat what doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.
I absolutely agree with him that everyone who continue with people who don’t relationship or not sure about you should be yelled at. I finally understand and walked away but took me 2 years to heal! Time wasted!
Your "rant" is one of my favourite "clips to quote" from you, as this is the biggest lesson I have learned in the past 2-3 years and you are SO RIGHT to emphasize it so strongly, it does the topic a justice.
There are too many people on dating apps that will say they want a relationship, complain people don't take it seriously, then ghost or all of a sudden have a realization they "aren't ready for a relationship" and waste your time and money
What we really need is work on our confidence, wholeness, and standards. Why are so many so afraid of not having another human physically by our sides? Because that's what it comes down to: swapping out mental wellbeing with a false sense of security because they don't believe enough in themselves-- to do things for themselves.
I am going through this right now withba woman who was not ready. She now needs space. Im flowing in another direction although I love her deeply. I believe she is the right person.. wrong time. Its tough. 😢
This channel only keeps getting better, warmer and funnier! 😂 Of course, even more insightful and relevant. I'm glad to be here all these years! Really excited and grateful for you and all your team, Matt ❤ PS.: As Bruce Lee once said, be water my friend.
I love this video. Thank you for making it. I like the "funny" cuts during the video takes the edge off because this topic can be quite sensitive but every time those cut ins come up I have a smile on my face. Thank you for all your hard work Matthew and your team. Loved Audrey's hair.
I agree, I laughed, but didn’t think it was a rant…more of passion. Matthew makes it funny and refreshing to see him looking at himself and to help us in this dating world Great work! Thank you !
I saw original video. When Matthew said that, I agreed with him because my husband told me the same thing, but I stuck around and pursued him until we got married and he ended up being very toxic and were divorcing now after 14 years.
That is exactly what I did not pay attention when my ex-partner told me that at the beginning of starting dating. I am still having a hard time of letting go. I own it...I am responsible for what I am going thru..
when they say " i dont want to hurt u" -RUN AND Never look back it just means i am not that into u or not sure of u. if i had listened the first time-it would have not cost me a second time. will definitely take this into heart from now on
My ex said that a few times. It was confusing, though, cause they asked me out and acted like they were committed, but just weren't willing to talk about more once we'd moved in together. We were together four years, and it was pretty nice generally, but then never could give me a straight answer about what they wanted in life. That made it seem like it wasn't me.
Dont forget that red lights and flags happen within friendships too. I feel those are harder to see and take longer to realize its been over for many many years.
You are not wrong! And people need to hear it. The repetition isn't a rant, it is needed because most people will only hear what they want to hear in the moment. Good job!
My parents never truly whole heartedly chose me and I chose to be with men who were doing this too. It is amazing how long it takes for that realization to fully kick in and SEE what were doing.. My first boyfriend said I wish I could put you in the fridge, meaning I'll take you out of it when I am ready. Eventually I waited for him being ready (even without us being in a relationship of any kind!) as I waited for my father especially. Then we had the relationship which lasted a few years and when we started living together he slept with my best friend (he did me a very big favor I see now, 20 years later...)
I am very clear with myself about what I want. My dating profile states my intentions. I let men tell me what they want. They always do. I listen and bounce, if it doesn't fit my needs. I let them drive the vehicle, fall back, and take notes. I've not had my feelings hurt since. I will admit that when I am very physically attracted, it is harder to walk away. But I hold myself ACCOUNTABLE!!!! If I don't hold the standard, then I am responsible for the fuckery that results.
Matthew, you explained this better than my life coach did this morning! I recently experienced a first date where the other person told me afterwards that he didn’t feel the connection and that has never happened to me in my life😂 I’ve struggled with it since then, and this video really helped me to put it into perspective. Thank you 🙏🏽
“K, Heating up”… 😊 This was actually one of my favourite times you spoke. Even Lisa responded “so powerful!”. It was amazing. It was powerful and the message was clear. I don’t consider it ranting.
Needed to hear this. Trying to decide whether to let go of a guy who keeps telling me he wants fun and casual “at the moment” but at the same time, texts me every day and enjoys my company. Red light for sure 😕
I hope this helps someone… It’s taken me years to learn this… but the red flag 🚩 is always on me. Listen to what the person is saying. Let go of outcomes and expectations unless you are trying to force a relationship in which case if it’s not to be it’s not to be. If you are on a time line then you are starting out from a place of desperation and not being fair to either party. Be upfront I’m ready I’m not ready I don’t know Are all valid answers and no one should be judged or condemned for saying it… For example if a man tells you he isn’t ready for a relationship… this video is basically telling you that this man is s walking red flag 🚩 but we don’t know the full context of him saying this and why. Our EGO assumes it’s all about us the woman he isn’t sure he wants to be with.. What if it’s because he just lost his job or his home or is going through a mental breakdown?? This actually happened to me after I was with a guy for about a year.. this happened to him.. he was just too proud to tell me. What did I do?? I was there for him 😂 NO!!! I wasn’t .. I walked away… I let him go his way.. i pulled completely away but wished him all the best in his life. I told him I hoped things worked out and that he got the help he needed… I let him BE THE MAN and heal in his own time WITHOUT ME in the picture. Then I let go without any expectations!!!! Fast forward under a year later he was knocking at my door (not literally) but calling and texting asking to meet up as he realised I was the BEST thing that had happened to him and losing me was his biggest mistake in relationships. My feelings had already faded so I was honest and never went back to him but it taught me a valuable lesson about my POWER as a woman. Regardless of what he did or didn’t do as a result.. I held my power.. I still had peace of mind as I didn’t put any pressure on him or on myself. By letting go of the outcome and being prepared to walk away and lose everything.. you see what is truly yours. You keep your dignity You keep your respect They take you seriously!!! They do not forget you and you WERE the one that got away. As women we often tend to do the most in these situations.. In another life, I would have said oh baby don’t worry we can work this out together.. I would have been his provider, his fixer his counsellor his door mat eventually.. But NO! I let him be the man! He got on his feet! Changed and found a new job! Sorted out his situation himself all by himself.. Was never emasculated and knew that I let him be the man he knew he always was.. WITHOUT ME.. Knew he was a provider.. then wanted to join with me and share in that realisation. By acting this way I showed my independence non clingyness and confidence in me and in him. Learn and be prepared to WALK AWAY!!! We are still not together but I hope wherever he is that he is happy.. I know I am. ❤ Ps I know the language I have used may come off as patriarchal but men are the providers and hunters .. that is the way it is.. However as a woman I am my own provider too and I’m happy with that.. because it also shows a man that you are not there to use them.. provision can be seen in different ways.. it’s deep but don’t get lost in emotion or in the picture. It’s like the Eiffel Tower.. you can’t appreciate it if you are standing right in front of it.. sometimes you have to take a huge step back to see the full picture.
Literally had to do this recently. My love for myself trumps anyone's opinion of me so if they don't want me that is fine. If someone tries to string me along, I might be there for the ride until it no longer benefits me. It always sucks losing someone you were interested, but but also sucks to waste time and energy
I've always appreciated Matthew's content over the years, but lately, it has felt more accessible. It's nice when coaches get more vulnerable and goofy. They show they're just normal people and not someone perpetuating some mythical persona that they've "got it all together."
I see myself saying that I’m not ready for a relashion, but not because I don’t want one, or I don’t want love, but I really need to be sure about The Kind of person I want in my life.
❤❤Love this so much. Not just a red flag about tat person. It’s a Green light in another direction a signal that you should take your persistence, take your energy, take that drive to find a love that is worthy of your investment and direct that in more productive ways to people that actually have potential.
Had a guy tell me that. I gave up on any chance of romance with them. I met someone else, that I work with, and we have been with each other over three years now.
Pre 2020 I was a ppl pleaser/chaser across my life. After a breakup, I did the work on myself to understand why it triggered me. I think we have to see our own value first. Once u hve that, no matter what others opinions are of u, u shrug it off bcos U KNOW URSELF. Same with how ppl treat u or how they want to be in ur life. If it doesn't match ur energy, accept it for just that and give less energy to it or match their energy. It will either fade out or they will notice and a conversation will come up. In which u can state ur standard/boundaries and go from there. I tend to not take on others energy anymore or take it personally. I analyse where they may be coming 4m, what the situation brought up in me and I work on myself instead. MUCH HAPPIER! ❤ME
Wow ty I’ve hit a red light in a relationship. After many many green lights for long term from them, it all stopped. I’m choosing to go around them. Very good analogies!!
that being said ,,, there is a huge difference between being scared of commitment , and not wanting commitment. people need to learn the difference. yes some relationships are worth fighting for, walking away at the first sign of any trouble is just showing the other , if they are not perfect right off , they are not worth a chance. marriage takes WORK , constant work. you wnat analogies , flowers grow if you WATER them , they dont just grow with no water , they die.
For me, the original video had MASSIVE impact, exactly as you laid it out- with full force and conviction. I needed to hear that truth spoken with force. For me, it WAS a red flag to MY own behaviour. You also said that “that makes him most honest than most”, which I appreciated. Because I had a crush. Those strong words clarified my self-sabotaging pattern to chase situations that might end up in hurt for me. Forever grateful. I saved myself some pain. Thank you!!!!
Don't feel bad about it, Matthew. Your impassioned delivery makes the message as compelling as it must be. People have got to stop themselves at a red light and turn. NOT go forward.
To me "I am not ready for a relationship" means straight up rejection. It´s like saying "I am not ready to get serious with you and I never will be". I think many people say this to "politely" reject someone, but the truth is that not many would understand it that way. If you are not ready now, then there is nothing that can be done. Once a guy told me "I am not ready for a relationship with you, but I´d still like to sleep with you". I just laughed in his face and walked out. The only reason he was this honest was that I repeatedly refused to get intimate with him before we know each other better. After several dates he made a move and I pushed him away because something in my gut just told me "I don´t trust this guy". That was the moment when he said this to me. This is why it´s always worth to wait with physical intimacy because a guy/girl who really wants a relationship will wait. Those with selfish motives will not.
I love the image of being the water that flows around the stones (the red flags) that come in its way. This made my day, Matthew. But I also didn't mind that you became ' hot' in the conversation about when people say to you 'they are not ready for a relationship'. It also helps to wake up, not to persue this person anymore. As it is also my experience, they will hurt you with this behaviour. And one must know that, if they are not ready, it might mean, this becomes a painful chewing gum with them. 👍
Glad to see you going into deeper nuances on this. Sometimes people need to warm up and trust each other till it really gets cooking. It’s worth it to let it go but leave room for the rebound - especially if people are intentional and have major shared values.
We have to define value. Some people see value as “what I have going on in life” ie. job, property, trappings. Some people just want someone kind and caring and don’t care what the external thing looks like.
Thought you were spot on with Lisa's podcast! Totally understood where you were coming from. It's become one of my favorite episodes & the car analogy is (humorous) perfection. LOL
Matthew Hussey, becoming more and more of a master of love life indeed :) "Beautiful energy - relaxed. You meet resistance and you still meet them with kindness, compassion, warmth, charisma, but not buying what they're selling. Flowing around the rock." This sounds so helpful for me theoretically. I hope it works for me practically too. I have just come up with the same conclusions in my life too. Being that charming yet self-persistant girl :)
I am , let’s say a Mature lady, and have been ‘there ‘ may times . I can clearly see the point you are making 👍 However . . . There are many people who are still “at the mercy of their hormones “ which can make this decision to “walk away” so much more difficult 😫 Just my thoughts on this situation 😊
All more about the hormone thing that can be the ONLY reason that the person you're with never contacts you unless they want that "something" and than they disappear again. Run girl, never look back 🔙
I dont call it hormons. I call it teenagehood. A period between 15-25 that u want nothing but feeling labeled and « wanted » in a certain way. ME,At age 27 even with serious hormon problems i dont even bother myself with toxic men. Unfortunately, the reason my friendship didn’t also work out with my good «teen » girlfriend was because i was so done with her, her ideas and sad relationships with toxic men. Tried to help her, explain to her as a big sister, nothing worked. So peace to people like that and BYEEEEE.
@@ariastark96 That really depends on the person, too. I get it with guys cuz they don't mature till they're 25 but women like me (not all women mature but some-) don't find interest that stuff I want emotional and physical connection but not sexual. If a guy who I'm dating only wants to be physical than I'm out
@@Cadence__1700 Hello Aria. Lovely name that u have and thanks for replying. 🩷 Well lets not talk about men because in general they take longer than women to mature. But as for women, im so happy to hear you have your own valued standards. That makes me sooo happy to see another person who respects themselves and their needs. but in reality unfortunately most teenage girls aren’t capable of doing that, specially the ones with bad family backgrounds. (From bad parenting i mean literally ignorant parents, ex : my exbest friend’s mom literally encouraged her to cheat on her boyfriend because she said her boyfriend refuses to have sex with her after two weeks of dating) There’s a whole spectrum of psychological reasons behind it but commonly estimated, teenagers have the worse toxic relationships. And i see that alot because i was forced an immigration and i had to attend school/college at age 25 with literally a school full of teens doing teenserie. It was a horrible experience. 😅
@@ariastark96 Lol we both got the same name 😆 And yeah true teenage love usually never works out like one guy I knew since sixth grade could've been a childhood highschool lover but he did some...things I'm not sure I can say on here without UA-cam penalizing me but yeah I know my boundaries because I live with a loving "single" mother that is yet still married to my narcissist father and she's taught me so much about my needs growing up. I may know how to say no, but my confidence is still not fully there as I've been bullied for my weight in high school. People called me a nasty words and men found it sexy how rumors of me was I were pregnant. I'm not that fat, just a belly sticking out but the rest of me is still pretty skinny. A friend of mine says, "As long as you see your feet, you're not fat." Ig I'm not lol. And that was awful parents don't encourage bad behavior. So yeah, I told myself I'mma wait till I graduate this hellhole
Really helpful analogies. I’m often the one on the other side who’s unsure if I’m even “in the market for a car.” When you are the one who could take or leave it, I felt like I said yes to the wrong ppl out of loneliness and were not really a good fit, and no to people who honestly would have been the a good fit and in it for real. I just didn’t know what I was looking for and ended up hurting or confusing people, or leading people on, though never my intention to. Would love to hear the reverse perspective - how to get to a point where you at least know you’re looking for a car or not!
This was such a beautiful re-examination of a very important message. I am grateful for your advice, Mr. Hussey. You not only helped me navigate the dating world, your advice helped me to recognize what is truly valuable in a partner.
I thought if someone says they are not ready for a relationship it means: I think you are a great person but I'm not interested in a relationship with you.
This is really a lesson you learn with personal growth and maturity. It takes several relationships and lots of introspection to really develop this point of view, I think.
Brilliant points. What about the ones that tell you ‘we have all the time in the world’ implying they arnt going anywhere… then literally one day goes cold the day before they where full on. Romantic Narcissists do this.
Honestly, the most important thing rn is the part he says that you don't need to obssess over what you did wrong. You did nothing wrong. If he/she is not responding, just try to understand it's not there. Since I started to think that way I honestly don't suffer over random new romantic "sparks" that could emerge. I just go with the flow.
Im not rushing into a relationship / I need time / Im slow at starting relationships - same thing esp if he says that whilst not pursuing seeing you often or says that 30min after meeting you for the 1st time but he doesnt mind sex and only sex - go and never look back
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage😮
I think it's the other way round. Courage is a prerequisite - the courage to be vulnerable
@@MarxistischerMillionaer To love someone deeply requires being vulnerable
@@SmackedyDoo yes, that’s what I implied
@@MarxistischerMillionaer No. You said you thought it was the other way around.
@@SmackedyDoo Yes because the first comment said to love someone gives you courage. But I think the courage already needs to be in place. Because being vulnerable requires courage. And like you said to love someone’s requires being vulnerable. So it all depends on each other
It’s not a rant. It’s common sense and you’re passionate about it. Especially seeing person after person pursue someone who doesn’t want them long term and getting hurt.
Exactly. It,s A Wake Up Message he is Expressing with Every Fiber in His Being !
I agree. It's not a rant. It's the simple truth.
I think we are all a little guilty sometimes of overlooking the blatant red flags to convince ourselves that a fun carnival lies ahead but Matthew is the one that gets bombarded with the same scenarios and same complaint of the same hurt unfolding and I would imagine you would get tired of trying to get people to listen to the advice and actually execute it so it doesn’t happen again. Poor guy. Love his passion
Its alot harder when its you. Easy to point finger to others
@@firelily77 it has been me. I wised up and moved on. If someone doesn’t want you (or me) then there’s no reason to stick around. Unless we want to feed our egos by getting them to want us or we enjoy being miserable. It’s foolish to think we’ll be happy with someone who doesn’t want us… or selfish.
If I see the chosen option “figuring out my dating goals” on a dating app it’s a red flag. If a guy is still figuring that out, they’re not ready for a relationship.
Or it’s sister choice of “Don’t Know Yet” yet they’re on a dating app!?! 🙄
Baby, they KNOW exactly what they are looking for but they ALSO know that their options and access to you and many others would immediately dry up if they told the truth about their intentions.
A grown ass adult (22+) saying “Not Sure”, “Don’t Know Yet” and the like is a manipulator/user/opportunist using coded language for low key casual sex/FWB/situationships while leading you to believe there’s a POSSIBILITY for more.
AVOID THESE PEOPLE. THEY WILL HURT YOU.
Facts!!!
Better to let the man ask you out and then you watch his actions. Ignore their words.
It’s not a red flag it’s just cuffing season
#FreeSpiritEra
The red flag is not knowing what they want. I made the mistake of getting back with my ex when she reached out to me 5 months after breaking up with me. When she first broke up with me, she specifically said something like "I don't want the same things I thought I did." When we got back together, surprise surprise, it didn't work out. We constantly had problems. I made it clear I needed to go very slow. If we were going to try this again, it needed to be very slow and steady. 2 months into it, she asked if I saw us (her and her daughter) like my family. I wasn't there yet and she was devastated. I have always known what I want and was always upfront and honest about it. To me, it seemed like she liked the good parts of the relationship. But when things got hard, she threw herself into other areas of my life and got mad that I didn't hunt her down to force her to talk about what was bothering her. I don't think she was a bad person. I love her and miss her. But two days ago, I ended things and the breakup felt pretty mutual. I don't think she has realistic expectations of a relationship. She always expected 110% when she was in the mood for a relationship. When she wasn't, it was expected that I be okay going a week or two without seeing her in person, and maybe occasionally video chatting, despite the fact I was always willing to drive to see her (she was less than an hour away). And that's the final thing. If someone doesn't make time for you, they're not the right person for you. When I started a new job almost an hour away from where I lived, I was often back home about 12 hours after waking up 5 days a week. I had very little free time, and what free time I did have, I prioritized her. Even before we started fighting, there would be entire weeks she wouldn't "have time" for me. You make time for what's important in your life. If someone doesn't have time for you, that can be a hard pill to swallow, but understand you aren't important enough to them. And if they go hot and cold sometimes, understand they probably don't know what they want, or at least their inconsistency is unacceptable.
I realize no one is probably going to read this, especially since I went off on a total tangent. I just need to vent and write this out.
Glad you wrote this,hope everything gets better for you,you deserve so much better than her!
I read it
I read it. It’s good to vent.
😊
It's good to verbalize the experience, helps to put it in perspective. I don't think either of you is to blame here though. She's now a single mother and raising a kid has to be a huge consideration for her. I think a lot people aren't clear what they want. They tend to work that out in real time in their relationships, which can be brutal on their partners.
I’ve watched this channel for years, and about 7-8 months ago is when I started to fully internalize all the lessons. Life has been so much more peaceful in the past year.
I just want to say thanks for having made videos for so long. Sometimes it takes hearing something hundreds of times before a message finally sinks in.
What's your age?
Ha
The more indoctrinated by society or else you are, the longer the truth takes to sink in.
I had was the same with abuse. Took way to long to accept that yes, what happened to me was really that bad.
True!!! It takes time for your mind to be renewed as the Bible says. You can have a head "knowledge" of something, but it needs to sink into your heart.
Situationship is the person being not clear so they use you and they don’t care. Their comfort matters more than your sanity and safety. If you want to be fwb and participate in hook up culture, whatever just say that and hook up with randoms. Cool. Don’t lead someone on who is monogamous on and then turn on them and say, “we are not in a relationship why are you so upset” no victim blaming, be clear and upfront with them and no games and manipulation. Awful I have my love now but no one deserves a situationship, I never felt so unloved and invalidated as someone who is ace/demi.
Wow 👏
No one can last being in a situation ship. Eventually emotions come out. It’s a terrible thing to do to someone. No one should feel like they’re being used !
99% of the time, the woman is chasing a 'chad'. A bad boy with a lot of options.
true- victim of this and the u tend to second guess urself for thinking what u had was special but it was just someone taking advantage of u
It's so common that many guys just want casual relationships hook-ups for sex and if the female is not on board just for that and is wanting something more meaningful , or vice versa the cards should be on the table by both parties, by both of them stating their expectations and desires so you don't get your heart broken and to prevent, potentially, a lot of emotional and mental pain. On either side
The best advice I have seen from the male side of relationship advice is that when a girl says she is not interested, take the L and move on. Don't nag, don't try to convince the or just be friends, move on and stop wasting time. No one has convinced someone intellectually to like them better.
I agree. Believe what people say, and act accordingly!
As an older woman 100% agree-believe her-your queen will come! People don't connect to everyone and she has probably said no for that reason or no/ not enough attraction not necessarily because you are not a good person..
Agreed! Everyone needs to grow the eff up. Have some damn self respect
No as then the human race would die out.
Best comment in years.
09:50: "I would like to find love and I'm not going to settle until I find the love I'm looking for in life." Now I'm sticking to that...
I just turned 70 recently. I'm in my 2nd marriage. When I started going out with him he said something about not being ready for a relationship. We were both divorced so I got that but my response was "as hard as the divorce was and painful I AM ready for a relationship, with the right person. What I'm hearing is that you're not ready for a relationship with me. I thanked him for his honesty and said it had been fun but I didn't want to waste my time, nor his. We've been happily married for 30 years 😊
Congratulations! Did I get it right he has made a decision to pursue a relationship with you eventually?
I didn't see it as you being mad... I see it as someone who's trying to get a clearly obvious message across, knowing 90% of the crowd are not understanding 😁
Oopps😂😂
That video woke me up big time. That video was a game changer for my dating life.
I think the thing we have to make peace with, is the idea that attraction is in the same realm as winning. It’s not. Attraction is a very primal thing. In work or sports, you train harder, you have a chance. Not so with a person being emotionally attracted to you. You can’t train harder. One of Matthew’s analogies- shopping for a dress- is the right mindset. If the dress doesn’t look good on you, it just doesn’t. You don’t keep trying it on and hoping the dress will change color or shape. And the dress isn’t suddenly going to try to look good on you. The dress is what it is. You’re the hight and build you are. Time to move on to trying on another dress that fits you like a glove, no matter how much you want that first dress to be the one.
Facts. I just accept that certain styles of dresses just aint for me!
Another red flag is when they say "Whether you are with me or someone else" that phrase is actually saying "I really don't want to be with you"
Wait what?
I could see myself saying that early on in a relationship in attempt to avoid creeping her out by making her think I’m love bombing or otherwise coming on too strong, appearance of future faking, etc.
@@dr1flush Some men will say in conversation "Even if this doesn't work out some one will be lucky to have you" He basically saying that he is not in it for the long run up front.
@@smartkookie ok thanks I was so confused lol
@@dr1flush Don't be using that line on these ladies out here!🤣🤣🤣
I think this is so true. If someone wants something very different most of the time you can't change them. So if they're not interested in a relationship then respect that, but don't let them use you like you are in a relationship. The only thing worse is someone who swears that they do want a relationship but never really commits, maybe they have good intentions or maybe they're just know this is what you want to hear. You can lose years of your life this way.
So true Pamela!! Likewise, 6 yrs used. Never argued all great then out of the blue after coming to dinner night before, sends a text- you are too disrespectful and abusive. I cant see you anymore😮 I am not that, never has anyone said that to
Me, I am the opposite then I asked if he was depressed? No. Then he stonewalled me. I also said oh this is you found someone else. Not at all. I was excruciating hurt and it’s taken nearly a year to try and get past it. A few guys want me but I can’t move forward as I loved this guy warts and all. Now I see from other men how used I was and how one should be treated however I cannot trust my judgment and I’m happier being me and enjoying life as a single happy person.
@eleanormartin6923 i have so many things to say to you. I was in the same shoes. Most probably also you met with a manipulative covered narcissist. I wish you all the best ❤️🙏
I didn’t see a rant and I’m a pretty chilled out Aussie. I saw someone that is very passionate about what he’s talking about, is authentic, and the right man for the job he’s doing.
Same! 🤔🤷🏼♀️
Me too.. but this follow-up video made me laugh.. MH is adorable
Exactly 🎉
Interesting. I did not realize it was different in Australian English.
There have been multiple times I've met really good guys and there's chemistry, but then they say they aren't looking for a relationship, usually because of a recent divorce or ending of a long relationship. There is such a self empowering and self loving feeling when you can have an honest convo with those men and state you are both in different phases and it was very nice meeting them and part ways.
This is where I'm at now - the guys I have really good chemistry with aren't down for a relationship. It is what it is.
@@360shadowmoon there's just a bunch of broken people out there who really shouldn't be in the dating game if they aren't ready for it. I ended up taking a step back and asked myself "is there a reason why I am the most attracted to unavailable men?" The ugly truth was I wasn't really emotionally available and was subconsciously more connected with like minded men because I felt safe and relaxed with them knowing it was never going to go anywhere." I have been doing work on myself since then and am in a much better mind and heart space.
Basically it means the same…emotionally unavailable men out there…
I thought I wasn't ready for a relationship but it's currently me trying hard to keep my lady focused on us. She wanted a bf but also wants to keep all her old connections no x's, including staying with them on holidays she is planning.
This man is a gift to the world! He explains everything in a very objective, logical way with incredible metaphors. So thankful for u Matthew!!!! Been watching your videos for 10 years now, since I’m a teenager
Ikr❤
@@Evermore2017 your actions will
@@Evermore2017it works for me absolutely
Has his message developed and deepened over that time.
I've made that mistake too many times, waiting patiently until someone is ready, or until they stop being abusive.
The best thing someone can do for you is show you who they really are .
And the best thing you can do for yourself is to see.
And run !
I would appreciate it if someone says that to me instead of hiding it and lying about wanting something they really don’t want or can’t have at that stage of their life!💡
I know you're more geared for women, but honestly exchange the pronouns and it works just as well for us guys. Plus you keep things positive, which I really appreciate.
Awwww
I was also thinking something similar. I'm going to take the lady instructor's advice hahaha!
Things changed for me once i realised there is a season for everything. It takes the pressure off of friendships, relationships, jobs etc. It stops us from trying to control people and environments.
I'm in a FWB not ready for relationship situation and this gives me courage to end things but i dont want to lose what we have. I needed to hear this.
Same, FWB of recently, we know eachother for 9 years, she can be incredibly kind & generous but can instantly become rude and selfish, and I don't like the drama, so I distance myself as needed, I didn't sign up for that BS, I'm a great listener, I'm always being supportive, but that's unacceptable, considering my way out without losing the good moments but the truth is you can't change the other person.
You deserve better. Fwb is transitional and transactional so if you are expecting anything more and they are using you as their Thearpist, you should leave, go to thearpy and work on yourself, and let someone in cautiously who values you emotionally and sexually, you deserve love and not being treated like an appliance.
@@elesaknowles5664 Thanks, after realising we're not aligned to be exclusive, we both agreed clear and cut to keep it casual, fwb.. yet she still does things a girlfriend would do and I love that, so I give back. it's obvious that she wants more but won't be open about it, expecting me to read her mind and gets overly offended when I don't reach out enough, I'm going to end things, that's unhealthy. Thanks for your input.
I would say it's maybe more you don't want to lose what you think you potentially could have in the future IF things were different, can't lose what you don't have! (Coming from someone who's been in this situation!) X
You are worth more! Now that you have had the light come on, don’t turn it off again!! God didn’t create you to be used, but to be adored and cherished.
I had my heart broken by a man who intially said that he was open to a possible relationship but wanted to take it slowly. Then, when he broke up with me, he made out like "I never said I was wanted a relationship!" But he made me feel like a relationship was possible.
That's a very manipulative person full stop
@@kristenfromOZ or someone who just doesn't know what he wants! Immature, definitely not trustful for something more than a single chance. At most of time, in a not conscious way! Lack of self reflection it's such a scarce resource!!
My heart broke last December by a man in exactly the same situation. It makes me sad, because I thought everything was clear, because we talked explicitly about how we both wanted to date each other. But I also think that this man is still immature (even though he studied social studies for a while?)
But now, I say this with pain in my heart: it is better now. Even though I am still sad about the situation, I feel like I am growing and I feel so relieved!
Well he wasn't lying. This is like someone offering you a free sample of some food and asking "do you want to try some?" and they say "maybe. I can try it".
And when they try it you ask " did you like it?" and they say "yeah, it was good"
but that doesn't mean they want to buy it and pay full price for it! If that's what you think then you are reading too much into it.
You just have to come to terms with the fact that a lot of people are less enthusiastic about our offerings than we are, and you often hear what you want to hear because you are desperate to sell them what you want. You need to be totally cool with them and not expect anything from them, keep offering samples, and only invest in people who are genuinely interested and enthusiastic about what you are offering. They are out there but they are a minority.
If you have experience selling things you will notice the difference between a motivated customer and a politely interested customer/tyre kicker. It's like night and day.
So don't read too much into people's slight hints of interest, just warmly invite them to participate in your offering and be totally cool with whatever their response. And invest based on their genuine motivation to have what you are offering
That is awful, screw him
Listen to Matthew. As a guy, looking for a relationship. We truly do know that it is what we want. If you are ready for a relationship, and the guy is on the fence, it is better to find someone else that will work towards the same goal as you, without hesitation.
See rejection as redirection.
I was dating someone who said early on they wanted a relationship, but later on - backtracked and I was shattered. Im now dating someone who started out saying he didnt want a relationship, but here we are now 6 months later in a relationship and i couldn't be happier. Life!! Go with the flow.
Omg this is so true I spent 3.5years persisting with someone who said at the outset they didn't want a relationship, hoping he'd change, he did to a small extent, admitting about 2 years in that he considered us in a relationship , yet still never invested into the relationship. Hindsight has taught me to walk away if I see this again.
EXACTLY
This video must be such an eye-opener for so many people. I am from Russia, but looks like relationship language is universal. Have been watching you for about 3 years now. Thanks for another great video!
It's important to understand that most people THINK they evaluate things with reason and rationality and then make decisions based on that, but this is exactly the opposite of the way it happens. We generally feel a certain way about something, someone, or a decision in front of us, and then justify and rationalize that feeling. It's amazing the mental gymnastics we all do on a daily basis to justify doing irrational or unreasonable things, and the sooner we understand almost all decisions are deeply rooted in emotion the better we are able to understand ourselves and one another.
As a guy, I know where this comes from, when you hear this phrase it's almost always because the guy realizes you're much more into him than he's in you.
It doesn't mean he's bad guy, and doesn't mean he's going to hurt you intentionally, but it means you're not a challenge, let him come to you in his own pace.
Plus, are willing to put your life on hold for a guy that doesn't make an effort? I think not.
This is EXACTLY it! Very insightful 💜
To add to your analogy about the water... Abraham-Hicks calls it swimming upstream, going against the current.😊
What is this BS with being a challenge? I am a guy and this is one of the most stupid things ever in that context. If you want a challenge go climb Mount Everest, some people just want stuff to work out lol.
@@MrReese Amen ! last thing i want from a woman is a challenge !
The truth behind: “I am not ready for a relationship” is “you are not good enough but we can fuck”
Yes it does mean he is a bad guy, if he seeks to exploit her by trying to force her into his model. She wants serious relationship, so don't try to play around that. Just take it or leave it.
When someone told me they weren’t ready for a relationship, I said, “ok, good luck to you and good bye”. I didn’t know it was an option to keep hanging with them, since they already told me they don’t want to hang out like a date
I think that's the better thing to do.
Thank you Matthew! It's so true! I didn't want to see this red flag, I was convinced that by knowing me better he would change his opinion about not wanting a relationship. He broke up and broke my heart 😢😢😢 💔
Sorry to hear this, you will get through it ❤
@@kaoshi_kutie I know, dear, but meanwhile it hurts so much 😢 💔
Thanks Matthew!! This is exactly what I needed to hear. It's funny how we try to come up with different interpretations of what the guy meant, when we really shouldn't have to guess whether a man is interested or not 😅
It's been an intense few weeks with relationships where the men in my life (not romantic) have not been stepping up to their promises of treating me or their responsibilities well. I LOVE being reminded to go with the flow and simply redirect myself towards the "Yes" in my other relationships and opportunities.
I saw that rant when it was posted. I loved it. It was passionate, honest, and from your heart. Your authentic concern for others is what makes you so successful. On a different note, I don’t know how anyone can tolerate Matthew McConaughey. I can’t stand him.
As a woman, I have never been desperate to find a man or a relationship with a man. I know my value and have never settled, and it truly saddens me that women of all ages chase men, make an ass of themselves every day because they pursue disinterested men. The problem here is not how the man is acting, it's how the woman doesn't set firm standards for herself and compromises who she is just to have garbage in her life.
Yeah but the bloody thing is the want is never matched. I was in a relationship where I was "meh" about the girl and probably hurt her. I was in another relationship where I really liked the girl but she was "meh" about me. Its so rare and precious to find a couple where its matched. Now I'm worried that if I don't heal my heart if that does happen I will ruin it because past traumas will get in my way
@@PhilipWardaTotally, I don't know how people ever get into relationships that really work well. It's always that I'm really into someone but the person doesn't like me so much, or the other way round
Awesome video, Matt! And SO true! I made that mistake in the past. NEVER AGAIN. I am not a fixer-upper, I want a "turn-key" person. Only green lights. Thank you so much!!! ☺☺☺
Fair enough. However, be sure that you are centered, yourself so that you are a “turn key”person, yourself. Last year, I encountered a person who made my heart literally levitate in a way that confused me. I say confused, because while she was gorgeous, and I haven’t felt that good in my heart before or since, her personality was absolutely ratchet. Rude and condescending, with a hoarse voice that made me wonder if she had a temper problem. And so I refused to engage her, mainly because there was too much risk of being MeToo’d.
You have to be ready _at all times._ Be aware of yourself, and don’t sweat what doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.
I absolutely agree with him that everyone who continue with people who don’t relationship or not sure about you should be yelled at. I finally understand and walked away but took me 2 years to heal! Time wasted!
This rant deserves a standing ovation 😂
Your ranting is the most motivational thing in your videos
Your "rant" is one of my favourite "clips to quote" from you, as this is the biggest lesson I have learned in the past 2-3 years and you are SO RIGHT to emphasize it so strongly, it does the topic a justice.
There are too many people on dating apps that will say they want a relationship, complain people don't take it seriously, then ghost or all of a sudden have a realization they "aren't ready for a relationship" and waste your time and money
What we really need
is work on our confidence, wholeness, and standards. Why are so many so afraid of not having another human physically by our sides? Because that's what it comes down to: swapping out mental wellbeing with a false sense of security because they don't believe enough in themselves-- to do things for themselves.
I am going through this right now withba woman who was not ready. She now needs space. Im flowing in another direction although I love her deeply. I believe she is the right person.. wrong time. Its tough. 😢
This channel only keeps getting better, warmer and funnier! 😂 Of course, even more insightful and relevant. I'm glad to be here all these years! Really excited and grateful for you and all your team, Matt ❤
PS.: As Bruce Lee once said, be water my friend.
This was so powerful!!!!
It was very impactful and changed my whole view on a situation I was in!!!
I like the idea of you reacting to old clips of of yourself but coming at it from a different perspective after many years have passed.
I love this video. Thank you for making it. I like the "funny" cuts during the video takes the edge off because this topic can be quite sensitive but every time those cut ins come up I have a smile on my face. Thank you for all your hard work Matthew and your team. Loved Audrey's hair.
Yes... I'm also weak for those random sketches 😂
I agree, I laughed, but didn’t think it was a rant…more of passion.
Matthew makes it funny and refreshing to see him looking at himself and to help us in this dating world
Great work! Thank you !
I saw original video. When Matthew said that, I agreed with him because my husband told me the same thing, but I stuck around and pursued him until we got married and he ended up being very toxic and were divorcing now after 14 years.
That is exactly what I did not pay attention when my ex-partner told me that at the beginning of starting dating. I am still having a hard time of letting go. I own it...I am responsible for what I am going thru..
when they say " i dont want to hurt u" -RUN AND Never look back it just means i am not that into u or not sure of u. if i had listened the first time-it would have not cost me a second time. will definitely take this into heart from now on
My ex said that a few times. It was confusing, though, cause they asked me out and acted like they were committed, but just weren't willing to talk about more once we'd moved in together. We were together four years, and it was pretty nice generally, but then never could give me a straight answer about what they wanted in life. That made it seem like it wasn't me.
Dont forget that red lights and flags happen within friendships too. I feel those are harder to see and take longer to realize its been over for many many years.
You are not wrong! And people need to hear it. The repetition isn't a rant, it is needed because most people will only hear what they want to hear in the moment. Good job!
My parents never truly whole heartedly chose me and I chose to be with men who were doing this too. It is amazing how long it takes for that realization to fully kick in and SEE what were doing.. My first boyfriend said I wish I could put you in the fridge, meaning I'll take you out of it when I am ready. Eventually I waited for him being ready (even without us being in a relationship of any kind!) as I waited for my father especially. Then we had the relationship which lasted a few years and when we started living together he slept with my best friend (he did me a very big favor I see now, 20 years later...)
I am very clear with myself about what I want. My dating profile states my intentions. I let men tell me what they want. They always do. I listen and bounce, if it doesn't fit my needs. I let them drive the vehicle, fall back, and take notes. I've not had my feelings hurt since.
I will admit that when I am very physically attracted, it is harder to walk away. But I hold myself ACCOUNTABLE!!!! If I don't hold the standard, then I am responsible for the fuckery that results.
Matthew, you explained this better than my life coach did this morning! I recently experienced a first date where the other person told me afterwards that he didn’t feel the connection and that has never happened to me in my life😂 I’ve struggled with it since then, and this video really helped me to put it into perspective. Thank you 🙏🏽
Had a similar experience recently. 😅 How did you move past the rejection?
“K, Heating up”… 😊
This was actually one of my favourite times you spoke. Even Lisa responded “so powerful!”. It was amazing.
It was powerful and the message was clear. I don’t consider it ranting.
Needed to hear this. Trying to decide whether to let go of a guy who keeps telling me he wants fun and casual “at the moment” but at the same time, texts me every day and enjoys my company. Red light for sure 😕
Your worth much more than that. Don't put up with being a choice 💕
Hannah, do you want "fun and casual"? If not, you should move on.
Someone can treat you great without the label. The question is if the label matters, is it worth letting that go.
funny how these comments miss the obvious that you do NOT want fun and casual
I hope you ran away from him and never looked back.
I hope this helps someone…
It’s taken me years to learn this… but the red flag 🚩 is always on me.
Listen to what the person is saying.
Let go of outcomes and expectations unless you are trying to force a relationship in which case if it’s not to be it’s not to be.
If you are on a time line then you are starting out from a place of desperation and not being fair to either party.
Be upfront
I’m ready
I’m not ready
I don’t know
Are all valid answers and no one should be judged or condemned for saying it…
For example if a man tells you he isn’t ready for a relationship… this video is basically telling you that this man is s walking red flag 🚩 but we don’t know the full context of him saying this and why.
Our EGO assumes it’s all about us the woman he isn’t sure he wants to be with..
What if it’s because he just lost his job or his home or is going through a mental breakdown??
This actually happened to me after I was with a guy for about a year.. this happened to him.. he was just too proud to tell me.
What did I do??
I was there for him 😂
NO!!!
I wasn’t .. I walked away… I let him go his way..
i pulled completely away but wished him all the best in his life.
I told him I hoped things worked out and that he got the help he needed…
I let him BE THE MAN and heal in his own time WITHOUT ME in the picture.
Then I let go without any expectations!!!!
Fast forward under a year later he was knocking at my door (not literally) but calling and texting asking to meet up as he realised I was the BEST thing that had happened to him and losing me was his biggest mistake in relationships.
My feelings had already faded so I was honest and never went back to him but it taught me a valuable lesson about my POWER as a woman.
Regardless of what he did or didn’t do as a result.. I held my power..
I still had peace of mind as I didn’t put any pressure on him or on myself.
By letting go of the outcome and being prepared to walk away and lose everything.. you see what is truly yours.
You keep your dignity
You keep your respect
They take you seriously!!!
They do not forget you and you WERE the one that got away.
As women we often tend to do the most in these situations..
In another life, I would have said oh baby don’t worry we can work this out together.. I would have been his provider, his fixer his counsellor his door mat eventually..
But NO!
I let him be the man!
He got on his feet!
Changed and found a new job!
Sorted out his situation himself all by himself..
Was never emasculated and knew that I let him be the man he knew he always was.. WITHOUT ME..
Knew he was a provider.. then wanted to join with me and share in that realisation.
By acting this way I showed my independence non clingyness and confidence in me and in him.
Learn and be prepared to WALK AWAY!!!
We are still not together but I hope wherever he is that he is happy.. I know I am.
❤
Ps I know the language I have used may come off as patriarchal but men are the providers and hunters .. that is the way it is..
However as a woman I am my own provider too and I’m happy with that.. because it also shows a man that you are not there to use them.. provision can be seen in different ways.. it’s deep but don’t get lost in emotion or in the picture.
It’s like the Eiffel Tower.. you can’t appreciate it if you are standing right in front of it.. sometimes you have to take a huge step back to see the full picture.
For someone as dumb as me.. Thank god for existing & thank you so much for this advice ❤
Literally had to do this recently. My love for myself trumps anyone's opinion of me so if they don't want me that is fine. If someone tries to string me along, I might be there for the ride until it no longer benefits me. It always sucks losing someone you were interested, but but also sucks to waste time and energy
exactly
I loved your enthusiastic rant. Yell at us, we need to hear it.
I've always appreciated Matthew's content over the years, but lately, it has felt more accessible. It's nice when coaches get more vulnerable and goofy. They show they're just normal people and not someone perpetuating some mythical persona that they've "got it all together."
I didn't see it as a rant. It was good.
I see myself saying that I’m not ready for a relashion, but not because I don’t want one, or I don’t want love, but I really need to be sure about The Kind of person I want in my life.
❤❤Love this so much. Not just a red flag about tat person. It’s a Green light in another direction a signal that you should take your persistence, take your energy, take that drive to find a love that is worthy of your investment and direct that in more productive ways to people that actually have potential.
Spot on
Helps a lot with the situationship I finally left and am still grieving
Had a guy tell me that. I gave up on any chance of romance with them. I met someone else, that I work with, and we have been with each other over three years now.
Specifically…the idea of value…with a price. Perfect.
Pre 2020 I was a ppl pleaser/chaser across my life. After a breakup, I did the work on myself to understand why it triggered me. I think we have to see our own value first. Once u hve that, no matter what others opinions are of u, u shrug it off bcos U KNOW URSELF. Same with how ppl treat u or how they want to be in ur life. If it doesn't match ur energy, accept it for just that and give less energy to it or match their energy. It will either fade out or they will notice and a conversation will come up. In which u can state ur standard/boundaries and go from there. I tend to not take on others energy anymore or take it personally. I analyse where they may be coming 4m, what the situation brought up in me and I work on myself instead. MUCH HAPPIER! ❤ME
Matt, I love when you "rant"!! It never feels angry or mean to me, just passionate. Keep ranting.
I agree 100%. As someone who has told people "I'm not looking for a relationship", It baffles me tha some girls just keep trying to push it.
Wow ty I’ve hit a red light in a relationship. After many many green lights for long term from them, it all stopped. I’m choosing to go around them. Very good analogies!!
that being said ,,, there is a huge difference between being scared of commitment , and not wanting commitment. people need to learn the difference. yes some relationships are worth fighting for, walking away at the first sign of any trouble is just showing the other , if they are not perfect right off , they are not worth a chance. marriage takes WORK , constant work. you wnat analogies , flowers grow if you WATER them , they dont just grow with no water , they die.
I dont hear a rant. You're just spitting facts. 😊
For me, the original video had MASSIVE impact, exactly as you laid it out- with full force and conviction. I needed to hear that truth spoken with force. For me, it WAS a red flag to MY own behaviour. You also said that “that makes him most honest than most”, which I appreciated. Because I had a crush. Those strong words clarified my self-sabotaging pattern to chase situations that might end up in hurt for me. Forever grateful. I saved myself some pain. Thank you!!!!
Don't feel bad about it, Matthew. Your impassioned delivery makes the message as compelling as it must be. People have got to stop themselves at a red light and turn. NOT go forward.
Thanks so much for your honest feedback. It’s hard to hear the truth. Why waste time? There are so many cool people out there.
To me "I am not ready for a relationship" means straight up rejection. It´s like saying "I am not ready to get serious with you and I never will be". I think many people say this to "politely" reject someone, but the truth is that not many would understand it that way. If you are not ready now, then there is nothing that can be done. Once a guy told me "I am not ready for a relationship with you, but I´d still like to sleep with you". I just laughed in his face and walked out. The only reason he was this honest was that I repeatedly refused to get intimate with him before we know each other better. After several dates he made a move and I pushed him away because something in my gut just told me "I don´t trust this guy". That was the moment when he said this to me. This is why it´s always worth to wait with physical intimacy because a guy/girl who really wants a relationship will wait. Those with selfish motives will not.
I love the image of being the water that flows around the stones (the red flags) that come in its way. This made my day, Matthew. But I also didn't mind that you became ' hot' in the conversation about when people say to you 'they are not ready for a relationship'. It also helps to wake up, not to persue this person anymore. As it is also my experience, they will hurt you with this behaviour. And one must know that, if they are not ready, it might mean, this becomes a painful chewing gum with them. 👍
Glad to see you going into deeper nuances on this. Sometimes people need to warm up and trust each other till it really gets cooking. It’s worth it to let it go but leave room for the rebound - especially if people are intentional and have major shared values.
Guy here, but a girl said this to me as well, and yup sure enough I got hurt in the end.
I think you were 100% right and that was a good rant
We have to define value. Some people see value as “what I have going on in life” ie. job, property, trappings. Some people just want someone kind and caring and don’t care what the external thing looks like.
Thought you were spot on with Lisa's podcast! Totally understood where you were coming from. It's become one of my favorite episodes & the car analogy is (humorous) perfection. LOL
Matthew Hussey, becoming more and more of a master of love life indeed :)
"Beautiful energy - relaxed. You meet resistance and you still meet them with kindness, compassion, warmth, charisma, but not buying what they're selling. Flowing around the rock."
This sounds so helpful for me theoretically. I hope it works for me practically too.
I have just come up with the same conclusions in my life too. Being that charming yet self-persistant girl :)
Very smart message. What's the joy in being with someone whom you had to forcefully drag into the relationship? Ugh.
You were advocating for slef respect. I liked your energy, please don't change anything!
I was not ready for a relationship. But then I realized how good he was and how head over heels I was. Been together 12 years and married for 8 ✨🎉
I am , let’s say a Mature lady, and have been ‘there ‘ may times .
I can clearly see the point you are making 👍
However . . . There are many people who are still “at the mercy of their hormones “ which can make this decision to “walk away” so much more difficult 😫
Just my thoughts on this situation 😊
All more about the hormone thing that can be the ONLY reason that the person you're with never contacts you unless they want that "something" and than they disappear again. Run girl, never look back 🔙
I dont call it hormons. I call it teenagehood. A period between 15-25 that u want nothing but feeling labeled and « wanted » in a certain way. ME,At age 27 even with serious hormon problems i dont even bother myself with toxic men. Unfortunately, the reason my friendship didn’t also work out with my good «teen » girlfriend was because i was so done with her, her ideas and sad relationships with toxic men. Tried to help her, explain to her as a big sister, nothing worked. So peace to people like that and BYEEEEE.
@@ariastark96 That really depends on the person, too. I get it with guys cuz they don't mature till they're 25 but women like me (not all women mature but some-) don't find interest that stuff I want emotional and physical connection but not sexual. If a guy who I'm dating only wants to be physical than I'm out
@@Cadence__1700 Hello Aria. Lovely name that u have and thanks for replying. 🩷
Well lets not talk about men because in general they take longer than women to mature. But as for women, im so happy to hear you have your own valued standards. That makes me sooo happy to see another person who respects themselves and their needs. but in reality unfortunately most teenage girls aren’t capable of doing that, specially the ones with bad family backgrounds. (From bad parenting i mean literally ignorant parents, ex : my exbest friend’s mom literally encouraged her to cheat on her boyfriend because she said her boyfriend refuses to have sex with her after two weeks of dating) There’s a whole spectrum of psychological reasons behind it but commonly estimated, teenagers have the worse toxic relationships. And i see that alot because i was forced an immigration and i had to attend school/college at age 25 with literally a school full of teens doing teenserie. It was a horrible experience. 😅
@@ariastark96 Lol we both got the same name 😆
And yeah true teenage love usually never works out like one guy I knew since sixth grade could've been a childhood highschool lover but he did some...things I'm not sure I can say on here without UA-cam penalizing me but yeah I know my boundaries because I live with a loving "single" mother that is yet still married to my narcissist father and she's taught me so much about my needs growing up. I may know how to say no, but my confidence is still not fully there as I've been bullied for my weight in high school. People called me a nasty words and men found it sexy how rumors of me was I were pregnant. I'm not that fat, just a belly sticking out but the rest of me is still pretty skinny. A friend of mine says, "As long as you see your feet, you're not fat." Ig I'm not lol. And that was awful parents don't encourage bad behavior. So yeah, I told myself I'mma wait till I graduate this hellhole
Yeah if anyone is honest enough to tell you that they are Not ready, you must believe them!
Really helpful analogies. I’m often the one on the other side who’s unsure if I’m even “in the market for a car.” When you are the one who could take or leave it, I felt like I said yes to the wrong ppl out of loneliness and were not really a good fit, and no to people who honestly would have been the a good fit and in it for real. I just didn’t know what I was looking for and ended up hurting or confusing people, or leading people on, though never my intention to. Would love to hear the reverse perspective - how to get to a point where you at least know you’re looking for a car or not!
This was such a beautiful re-examination of a very important message. I am grateful for your advice, Mr. Hussey. You not only helped me navigate the dating world, your advice helped me to recognize what is truly valuable in a partner.
I thought if someone says they are not ready for a relationship it means: I think you are a great person but I'm not interested in a relationship with you.
Blink twice if you’re in danger. She’s awesome!
This is really a lesson you learn with personal growth and maturity. It takes several relationships and lots of introspection to really develop this point of view, I think.
Brilliant points.
What about the ones that tell you ‘we have all the time in the world’ implying they arnt going anywhere… then literally one day goes cold the day before they where full on.
Romantic Narcissists do this.
Obsessing over red lights, so true! Thanks Matthew!!!
"It's a green light in another direction" I really love that!
Honestly, the most important thing rn is the part he says that you don't need to obssess over what you did wrong. You did nothing wrong. If he/she is not responding, just try to understand it's not there. Since I started to think that way I honestly don't suffer over random new romantic "sparks" that could emerge. I just go with the flow.
Im not rushing into a relationship / I need time / Im slow at starting relationships - same thing esp if he says that whilst not pursuing seeing you often or says that 30min after meeting you for the 1st time but he doesnt mind sex and only sex - go and never look back