Wow, you 100% nailed it! Parentified, treated like a little adult when it suited them, but also sheltered and treated like a child when it suited them; isolated; oldest daughter; never heard, seen, known or understood; ever a burden; never to express needs, wants, negative emotions of any kind; never to make a scene, cause problems or rock the boat; so many expectations and never able to live up to them; so much criticism and disappointment... And oh yes, the constant arguing, instability, upheaval, volatility, stress, tension, emotional immaturity, and emotional neglect. Then comes the imposter syndrome of looking from the outside like you've got it all together, and being the one to give advice and to take care of everyone, but feeling like a child and a fraud inside... 😢 I'm sorry for all of us who went through this, but it's also comforting to know I'm not alone. It's a weird, mixed bag of feelings. Hugs and moral support to you all! 🤗 Maybe there's a support group for us parentified yet sheltered oldest daughters? Or maybe we could start one somehow? It would be nice to be with and talk to people who understand and relate, and we could help each other heal. ❤️🩹
Y’all have no idea how much shock I am, I spent probably the last 10 years feeling so alone.. I randomly decided to speak on my life bc I felt God was doing so and now to see how many people almost lived the exact same livesss…. I have no words. I plan to continue posting content like this over here on this channel. I’m thinking I probably can make a community group through UA-cam over here to have sessions and talk about these things.
You guys are speaking my life. One of my PTSD triggers is bills because of the toxic rage I endured when bills came in the mail as a child. After plenty of anxiety attacks as an adult when it came time to paying bills, I realized something was wrong. I was sheltered (sometimes locked in the house). Yet, I had a car at 15 to help with family obligations. Ex: Picking my brother up from day care, grocery shopping to then cook dinner for the family - after which, I would pull an all-nighter just to do my homework. I was always a burden. Never seen. Never heard. You ladies definitely aren’t alone. ❤
I relate to all of this: oldest child/parents argued everyday, sheltered, but my parents were strict about work ethic and setting a good example for my brothers.
I was definitely sheltered and had a helicopter kind of mom. You know, that mom in kids movies who always has tissues and allergy medicine ready in their purse. The one with the hand sanitizer and a ready to go first aid kit, and was always leery of everyone. I was also expected to act as an adult one minute, and then accept “you’re just a child” another. Which was very confusing. Like, you want me to be a kid but I’m not allowed to skip down the halls or sing Disney songs out loud because I need to be “proper” and “lead by example”. My siblings could do anything they wanted. My younger siblings could stay out late, go anywhere, do anything, but I had to let my mom know where I was at all times, who I was with, what time i’d be home, etc. I’d also have to fight between my siblings if I wanted to go to the movies, and they wanted to go shopping. Usually we ALWAYS did what my siblings wanted, and when I would try to suggest my idea, my mom would say “now now dear, your siblings ARE the youngest and so they should get first pick. We are gonna do what they want.” Well, now I’m in my late 20’s and still living at home, and my family is like “Why haven’t you left the nest yet? Why can’t you make your own decisions? Why are your siblings independent and you are not?” Idk, maybe because I never got to have my own independence and I was told what to do, where to go, and how to be my whole life, and now that I have the freedom to do so, I have no clue.
Whewwwwww “now that I have the freedom to do it I have no clue” the fact that that’s a thought I’ve been living with forever. Everyone thought I’d “act out” once I left, I’m still confused on “if I’m doing the right thing” etc stuck in the mindset I grew up on!
OMG me too!! I can’t wait to be able to afford to leave, and so ashamed of how my parents deliberately prevented me from learning about a lot of basic, useful information, and prevented me from developing any confidence or self esteem, because they needed me to be terrified of the world and paranoid 24/7.
@ it sucks, but once you really put in that intention to want better and make that decision it will change your life. I pray you can start that journey
💯 facts I can relate to some things in this video except becoming the second parent raising little siblings I grew up in a blended family household and sheltered from somethings too I find myself trying to break generational curses too also with a dictating parent.
I’m not black, but I relate to you on this! And it is also possible to be parentified, adultified, sheltered, and NOT be taught a lot of basic adult things because of how trapped you were. That’s how I grew up.
I'm the oldest of a large family, that grew up with an abusive father and a neglectful mother and a few months ago, I walked away from my family. I felt as though I was not able to just live my life, my relationship with my son's father ended a few years ago, because he said he was in a relationship with me and my family. And yet I still did for my family and even blamed him for walking away. As I got older I realized that he had every right to feel the way that he did because I felt like I was conditioned to help my family since I was a child no matter what. And I lost a lot because of it. I finally decided I was tired of feeling like the constant member in my family. I couldn't be happy almost like I wasnt allowed to be. So I walked away from my family and although it has been a journey, I'm thankful everyday I'm one step closer to finding and loving me.
I’m so happy for you, and I pray you’re able to continue your journey to find yourself and the peace that comes with it. I know all to well wanting to save everyone but you truly have to save yourself first before you choose anyone else.
That explains why I feel like a useless child whenever I'm around my mother! I had a very similar experience. I grew up sheltered. My mother was very overprotective and neither of my parents were very sociable. So, I had very minimal interaction with people, and I'd even started self-isolating when I was young. So, I was and still am scared of the world and have very low self-esteem. I've felt more confident since going off on my own. Even though I live on the streets, I feel way better about myself than I had when I lived with my mother. And I have a brother 6 years younger then me. My father wasn't very present in our lives (even though we lived in the same house) and my mother was in nursing school. So, I had to pick up the slack looking after my brother and myself. And I totally get those trip problems. It's very surreal, to have been privileged enough to have been going on trips once or even a few times in a year. Yet I remember those vacations with discomfort because of all the conflict. My parents would fight, my mother would constantly hover over me (even in my teens). I used to be real skiddish and jumpy in public. I remember being at church with my mother and I was, again, skiddish and jumpy. My mother told me that I had to stop acting like that because people might think I'm being abused. But like, my home life was giving me some major anxiety, I couldn't just stop feeling wound up, lol
Wow extremely relatable, I can’t believe how many people actually experienced almost the same exact life. Ugh we need healing so bad! This is where most of my anxiety developed too and imagine feeling these feelings so young and we never had anyone to go to about it. I’m just glad we have control over ourselves now and can undo the damage!
I can relate like 45% because I know what it's like to be sheltered and told to put others needs before my own (as a child). But i was not the oldest daughter so I feel lie that stress is something to higher degree. I was the middle child. I did know how to do adult things like budget and pay bills and prioritize financial decisions so the cycle of poverty i experienced definitely left me feeling some type of trauma. (Because I felt it was avoidable, but no one listened to me). I love your channel and it's great (in a way because we're not alone but i wouldnt wish it on anyone) to know I am not the only person who understands this odd feeling of beig sheltered but also not treated like a child.
I’m grateful to God I made this video, I never would’ve known how many people could relate and I pray for your healing and hope my channel could help anyway it can. Have you tried therapy?
@tmibg.podcast Thank you for your video and prayers! Yeah I was in therapy in college. Your channel is a blessing to everyone who finds it, if not to resonate with the experience then to know how not to parent.
Oh my god, this was my childhood too and im also the eldest. Only I failed at that, too. I didn't end up successful as a result. Im still trying to gain my freedom from a responsibility that was never mine to shoulder.
Your story is mines as well, I watched all my siblings become successful in whatever they wanted to do, but I wasn't instead I was their biggest cheerleader. As the eldest we're basically told that we HAVE to look out for the others, and no one ever tells us who is looking out for us. From one eldest to another, please try to put yourself first, you are more than worthy of it. I pray you continue to find your freedom.
I relate to some of this. My parents were extremely strict and did hide the world from us and try to control as much as they could, and yet they expected an adult level of responsibility from a very young age. When I was six if I forgot my lunch at school, I went hungry. By the time I was twelve, I was expected to pay my own way outside the basics. As an oldest daughter in this controlling high expectation environment, I realized from a young age that my younger siblings needed someone who would allow them the freedom and security they wouldn't get from their parents. Some of my earliest memories are of taking on my siblings emotional needs and up through my teens, when my youngest siblings were born, I was protecting them and giving them what I knew from experience they'd need.
Exactly why when you’re the oldest it’s a whole different ball game, if you know then you know. Taking on the being emotional security blanket for our siblings is so spot on 🎯 and then I’ve learned it makes us usually continue that same cycle into our relationships until we start healing
@@tmibg.podcast Yep! I've been the "therapist friend" my whole life and now that I'm starting to realize that's not healthy, my friends are being weird about it. Is that part of what happened to your friendships?
My friendships ended around the time when I was in a toxic relationship (I’ll get more into that soon) but also apart of it is I never felt like I belonged with any friend group, I always felt like the outcast especially with my past. I felt I was useful to talk to (venting sessions) but didn’t feel it was mutual… it’s a lot to it but that’s some of it. At this time I just have no friends.
@@tmibg.podcast Gotta love a toxic isolating past and a toxic isolating relationship. Well I look forward to learning more about you as you share on your channel and following your healing journey.
I relate to this, even though I wasn’t the oldest sibling. I have a half sibling but she was usually at her mom’s house, so it was as if I was an only child most of them time. I was definitely sheltered/overprotected, but I also had very emotionally immature parents and feel like I was emotionally parentified. So I felt very naive and childlike to the point of feeling lost/left behind, while simultaneously feeling like I had the responsibility of taking care of my parents emotions.
In my family, I was the youngest of 3...Boy, girl and girl- me being the youngest and 10 years and 3 years younger than my siblings. I was basically a maid, caretaker, cook, whatever they needed from me. My sister was the Princess in my family. I was not allowed to go, do, believe or think anything outside what my parents wanted. My parents tried to get me married off, introducing me to my future husband, at 16. This guy was 23. Yeah..think about that. And this was in the 1990's. I could run my mom's house at 10, I had no fun, I was depressed at a young age and I was never heard. No prom, no things that normal kids go through in life. I literally ran away at 18, as soon as I was legal, and never looked back.
Okay, not even two minutes in, and I relate so hard. The trips, having fun and sharing laughs is what I cling to, but the screaming matches are out of hand. I will then gaslight myself, think I'm crazy during the "good times." It's all in your head; it's not that bad. Then another thing will happen, and I realize, yeah, this sh!t's real, and it's bad. We all need counseling. Not sure how to be mentally stable when all my life everyone around me has been emotionally unstable. I am the opposite, though, in the noise department. I actually listen to rock and metal. My brain subconsciously listens to what it's used to: chaos and loud noise.
I usually thrive in chaotic environments bc I feel like I can get everything under control, but noise absolutely not literally gives me headaches, I use to think I was crazy when I would clean my whole house in silence no music or nothing but realized I feel safe finally. And I highly recommend therapy I’ve been in it for almost a year and it has changed my life
Eldest Daughter here NOT ELDEST CHILD… 🙄… talk about it! Yes honey, yes. You are not living a solo experience. Healing can happen and talking about it is the first step ❤️🩹
Wow, you 100% nailed it!
Parentified, treated like a little adult when it suited them, but also sheltered and treated like a child when it suited them; isolated; oldest daughter; never heard, seen, known or understood; ever a burden; never to express needs, wants, negative emotions of any kind; never to make a scene, cause problems or rock the boat; so many expectations and never able to live up to them; so much criticism and disappointment...
And oh yes, the constant arguing, instability, upheaval, volatility, stress, tension, emotional immaturity, and emotional neglect. Then comes the imposter syndrome of looking from the outside like you've got it all together, and being the one to give advice and to take care of everyone, but feeling like a child and a fraud inside... 😢
I'm sorry for all of us who went through this, but it's also comforting to know I'm not alone. It's a weird, mixed bag of feelings. Hugs and moral support to you all! 🤗
Maybe there's a support group for us parentified yet sheltered oldest daughters? Or maybe we could start one somehow? It would be nice to be with and talk to people who understand and relate, and we could help each other heal. ❤️🩹
Y’all have no idea how much shock I am, I spent probably the last 10 years feeling so alone.. I randomly decided to speak on my life bc I felt God was doing so and now to see how many people almost lived the exact same livesss…. I have no words. I plan to continue posting content like this over here on this channel. I’m thinking I probably can make a community group through UA-cam over here to have sessions and talk about these things.
@tmibg.podcast on the bright side, you will always look young, even when you're old!
You guys are speaking my life. One of my PTSD triggers is bills because of the toxic rage I endured when bills came in the mail as a child. After plenty of anxiety attacks as an adult when it came time to paying bills, I realized something was wrong.
I was sheltered (sometimes locked in the house). Yet, I had a car at 15 to help with family obligations. Ex: Picking my brother up from day care, grocery shopping to then cook dinner for the family - after which, I would pull an all-nighter just to do my homework.
I was always a burden. Never seen. Never heard.
You ladies definitely aren’t alone. ❤
@interviewboss8782 🫂❤️🩹
@interviewboss8782 wow i can’t believe so many people could relate 🫶🏾 I’m glad we all can have a place to speak about it
I relate to all of this: oldest child/parents argued everyday, sheltered, but my parents were strict about work ethic and setting a good example for my brothers.
Whewwwwww 😰
I was definitely sheltered and had a helicopter kind of mom.
You know, that mom in kids movies who always has tissues and allergy medicine ready in their purse.
The one with the hand sanitizer and a ready to go first aid kit, and was always leery of everyone.
I was also expected to act as an adult one minute, and then accept “you’re just a child” another.
Which was very confusing.
Like, you want me to be a kid but I’m not allowed to skip down the halls or sing Disney songs out loud because I need to be “proper” and “lead by example”.
My siblings could do anything they wanted.
My younger siblings could stay out late, go anywhere, do anything,
but I had to let my mom know where I was at all times, who I was with, what time i’d be home, etc.
I’d also have to fight between my siblings if I wanted to go to the movies, and they wanted to go shopping.
Usually we ALWAYS did what my siblings wanted, and when I would try to suggest my idea, my mom would say “now now dear, your siblings ARE the youngest and so they should get first pick. We are gonna do what they want.”
Well, now I’m in my late 20’s and still living at home, and my family is like “Why haven’t you left the nest yet? Why can’t you make your own decisions? Why are your siblings independent and you are not?”
Idk, maybe because I never got to have my own independence and I was told what to do, where to go, and how to be my whole life,
and now that I have the freedom to do so, I have no clue.
Whewwwwww “now that I have the freedom to do it I have no clue” the fact that that’s a thought I’ve been living with forever. Everyone thought I’d “act out” once I left, I’m still confused on “if I’m doing the right thing” etc stuck in the mindset I grew up on!
OMG me too!! I can’t wait to be able to afford to leave, and so ashamed of how my parents deliberately prevented me from learning about a lot of basic, useful information, and prevented me from developing any confidence or self esteem, because they needed me to be terrified of the world and paranoid 24/7.
@ it sucks, but once you really put in that intention to want better and make that decision it will change your life. I pray you can start that journey
💯 facts I can relate to some things in this video except becoming the second parent raising little siblings I grew up in a blended family household and sheltered from somethings too I find myself trying to break generational curses too also with a dictating parent.
I’m not black, but I relate to you on this! And it is also possible to be parentified, adultified, sheltered, and NOT be taught a lot of basic adult things because of how trapped you were. That’s how I grew up.
@@winxclubstellamusa it’s crazy to have so many people relate, I’m glad God put it on my heart to share my story 🥹
I'm the oldest of a large family, that grew up with an abusive father and a neglectful mother and a few months ago, I walked away from my family. I felt as though I was not able to just live my life, my relationship with my son's father ended a few years ago, because he said he was in a relationship with me and my family. And yet I still did for my family and even blamed him for walking away. As I got older I realized that he had every right to feel the way that he did because I felt like I was conditioned to help my family since I was a child no matter what. And I lost a lot because of it. I finally decided I was tired of feeling like the constant member in my family. I couldn't be happy almost like I wasnt allowed to be. So I walked away from my family and although it has been a journey, I'm thankful everyday I'm one step closer to finding and loving me.
I’m so happy for you, and I pray you’re able to continue your journey to find yourself and the peace that comes with it. I know all to well wanting to save everyone but you truly have to save yourself first before you choose anyone else.
That explains why I feel like a useless child whenever I'm around my mother!
I had a very similar experience. I grew up sheltered. My mother was very overprotective and neither of my parents were very sociable. So, I had very minimal interaction with people, and I'd even started self-isolating when I was young. So, I was and still am scared of the world and have very low self-esteem. I've felt more confident since going off on my own. Even though I live on the streets, I feel way better about myself than I had when I lived with my mother.
And I have a brother 6 years younger then me. My father wasn't very present in our lives (even though we lived in the same house) and my mother was in nursing school. So, I had to pick up the slack looking after my brother and myself.
And I totally get those trip problems. It's very surreal, to have been privileged enough to have been going on trips once or even a few times in a year. Yet I remember those vacations with discomfort because of all the conflict. My parents would fight, my mother would constantly hover over me (even in my teens).
I used to be real skiddish and jumpy in public. I remember being at church with my mother and I was, again, skiddish and jumpy. My mother told me that I had to stop acting like that because people might think I'm being abused. But like, my home life was giving me some major anxiety, I couldn't just stop feeling wound up, lol
Wow extremely relatable, I can’t believe how many people actually experienced almost the same exact life. Ugh we need healing so bad! This is where most of my anxiety developed too and imagine feeling these feelings so young and we never had anyone to go to about it. I’m just glad we have control over ourselves now and can undo the damage!
I can relate like 45% because I know what it's like to be sheltered and told to put others needs before my own (as a child).
But i was not the oldest daughter so I feel lie that stress is something to higher degree. I was the middle child.
I did know how to do adult things like budget and pay bills and prioritize financial decisions so the cycle of poverty i experienced definitely left me feeling some type of trauma. (Because I felt it was avoidable, but no one listened to me).
I love your channel and it's great (in a way because we're not alone but i wouldnt wish it on anyone) to know I am not the only person who understands this odd feeling of beig sheltered but also not treated like a child.
I’m grateful to God I made this video, I never would’ve known how many people could relate and I pray for your healing and hope my channel could help anyway it can. Have you tried therapy?
@tmibg.podcast Thank you for your video and prayers! Yeah I was in therapy in college. Your channel is a blessing to everyone who finds it, if not to resonate with the experience then to know how not to parent.
🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾
Oh my god, this was my childhood too and im also the eldest. Only I failed at that, too. I didn't end up successful as a result. Im still trying to gain my freedom from a responsibility that was never mine to shoulder.
Your story is mines as well, I watched all my siblings become successful in whatever they wanted to do, but I wasn't instead I was their biggest cheerleader. As the eldest we're basically told that we HAVE to look out for the others, and no one ever tells us who is looking out for us. From one eldest to another, please try to put yourself first, you are more than worthy of it. I pray you continue to find your freedom.
@@butterflybabybeauty7803 me too…I can’t wait to be free!! I’ve been a prisoner and a hostage for my entire life.
Same! I can’t wait to be free. I’ve been a prisoner and a hostage for my entire life.
I'm here too. Was very annoying had to break multiply generational curses because of it. So happy to be out of this
Currently breaking curses and not stopping bc this stops here!
Eldest here. 100% resonates with me
🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾
I relate to some of this. My parents were extremely strict and did hide the world from us and try to control as much as they could, and yet they expected an adult level of responsibility from a very young age. When I was six if I forgot my lunch at school, I went hungry. By the time I was twelve, I was expected to pay my own way outside the basics. As an oldest daughter in this controlling high expectation environment, I realized from a young age that my younger siblings needed someone who would allow them the freedom and security they wouldn't get from their parents. Some of my earliest memories are of taking on my siblings emotional needs and up through my teens, when my youngest siblings were born, I was protecting them and giving them what I knew from experience they'd need.
Exactly why when you’re the oldest it’s a whole different ball game, if you know then you know. Taking on the being emotional security blanket for our siblings is so spot on 🎯 and then I’ve learned it makes us usually continue that same cycle into our relationships until we start healing
@@tmibg.podcast Yep! I've been the "therapist friend" my whole life and now that I'm starting to realize that's not healthy, my friends are being weird about it. Is that part of what happened to your friendships?
My friendships ended around the time when I was in a toxic relationship (I’ll get more into that soon) but also apart of it is I never felt like I belonged with any friend group, I always felt like the outcast especially with my past. I felt I was useful to talk to (venting sessions) but didn’t feel it was mutual… it’s a lot to it but that’s some of it. At this time I just have no friends.
@@tmibg.podcast Gotta love a toxic isolating past and a toxic isolating relationship. Well I look forward to learning more about you as you share on your channel and following your healing journey.
I relate to this, even though I wasn’t the oldest sibling. I have a half sibling but she was usually at her mom’s house, so it was as if I was an only child most of them time. I was definitely sheltered/overprotected, but I also had very emotionally immature parents and feel like I was emotionally parentified. So I felt very naive and childlike to the point of feeling lost/left behind, while simultaneously feeling like I had the responsibility of taking care of my parents emotions.
Whewwwww CAN I RELATE 😢
@@tmibg.podcast 🫂
Girl, you are not alone.... right there with you😢!!! It's a tough way to move through life.
Wow 🫂🫂
In my family, I was the youngest of 3...Boy, girl and girl- me being the youngest and 10 years and 3 years younger than my siblings. I was basically a maid, caretaker, cook, whatever they needed from me. My sister was the Princess in my family. I was not allowed to go, do, believe or think anything outside what my parents wanted. My parents tried to get me married off, introducing me to my future husband, at 16. This guy was 23. Yeah..think about that. And this was in the 1990's. I could run my mom's house at 10, I had no fun, I was depressed at a young age and I was never heard. No prom, no things that normal kids go through in life. I literally ran away at 18, as soon as I was legal, and never looked back.
I left at 18 tooo 😔
Oh how the turns table.
This happened to me. I'm resentful to them now.
I completely can understand 🥹 but healing and letting go of that resentment is worth it bc it honestly takes a toll on you
You can heal AFTER moving out 😭 @@tmibg.podcast
What do you mean?
Fully resonated.
Explains me.
This sets you up as a ready prey for toxic people.
Yes!
Facts. 😢
Omg! This! Given all responsibilities but none of the knowledge or time to accommodate those responsibilities.
It’s literally the worst.
Ladies, let's say it we were mentally and emotionally abused. Now, let get that therapy
YES I RECOMMEND THERAPY & GOD TO ANYONE I COME ACROSS!
I totally agree with you 💯% and thanks for sharing I am very new to your channel watching you from ST.Thomas US Virgin island 🇻🇮 ❤😊
@@rudolphharrigan1804 wow thank you so much!
Gm I support your journey very effective, and I am grateful 🙏
You are not alone ❤ i can relate to these feelings and experience.
I can’t believe how many people can actually relate 😔
I can relate. Thanks for posting.
It’s a lot to unpack, but glad you can relate!
Not alone, sis🖤
🫂🫂
Girl, when and where is the meeting and should I bring snacks? This is very much my life!
I’m in such shock I’ve been so alone never thinning anyone even close to experienced what I did 😢
I’ll bring the tea and dessert!
Okay, not even two minutes in, and I relate so hard. The trips, having fun and sharing laughs is what I cling to, but the screaming matches are out of hand. I will then gaslight myself, think I'm crazy during the "good times." It's all in your head; it's not that bad. Then another thing will happen, and I realize, yeah, this sh!t's real, and it's bad. We all need counseling. Not sure how to be mentally stable when all my life everyone around me has been emotionally unstable. I am the opposite, though, in the noise department. I actually listen to rock and metal. My brain subconsciously listens to what it's used to: chaos and loud noise.
I usually thrive in chaotic environments bc I feel like I can get everything under control, but noise absolutely not literally gives me headaches, I use to think I was crazy when I would clean my whole house in silence no music or nothing but realized I feel safe finally. And I highly recommend therapy I’ve been in it for almost a year and it has changed my life
Wow it’s like we had the same childhood 😭💔
🫂🫂
Big facts sis.......same here ur not crazy ur just aware
I can definitely relate and I'm the oldest
Filtering your gifts as needed
No. You are not alone. It feels like, "if that was my childhood, wtf is my adulthood supposed to look like?!" Not a fun feeling, 0/10.
💯💯💯 5000%
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Nac treatment
Eldest Daughter here NOT ELDEST CHILD… 🙄… talk about it! Yes honey, yes. You are not living a solo experience. Healing can happen and talking about it is the first step ❤️🩹
I can’t believe how many actually relate)
@ you should have a lot of pride in the power that you hold out by speaking your truth; well done sister!