I Dated Two People At The Same Time (Is This Considered Cheating?) | ZULA Answers
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- Опубліковано 13 чер 2024
- In this episode of ZULA Answers, we will be discussing some stories and deciding whether or not they are considered cheating. Some of the stories proved to be challenging to decide, while some have an obvious answer… Watch to find out more!
Here are the timestamps of the topics covered during the episode:
0:00 - Intro
1:40 - Story 1: Dating two people at the same time
6:55 - Story 2: My best friend turned lover kissed another girl
12:21 - Story 3: I fantasize about other girls
16:39 - Story 4: My boyfriend masturbates to our friends
22:14 - Advice and Conclusion
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Featuring:
Brenda Tan - / brendatjy
Fauzi Aziz - / mynameisfauzi
Filmed By:
Shash Yoga - / shashneetha
Nurul Hazirah - / hazzzywah
Umairah - / uwumairaah
Edited By:
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Would you say the actions described in this episode are considered cheating? And if you will like some advice from our hosts, send us your confessions here: bit.ly/ZULAAnswers
My opinion about confession 3 is that there is nothing wrong with having fantasies, regardless of the situation. Studies have shown that a high percentage of men and women regularly fantasise about something/someone WHILE having intercourse with their significant other, in secret. If you take the statistics as gospel, then one would be guessing that the confessor, or anyone who fantasised, was in the higher risk category of getting his fantasy fulfilled, when the numbers show that it is exactly the opposite. I am merely posting this because I feel the need to inform people that things like this are the norm, more than you realise. Therefore, statistically, the confessor is less likely to realise his fantasies and more likely to get into a vehicular accident. As far as calling it cheating, I can't definitively agree that fantasising is a form of cheating but there are studies that show that fantasising can be healthy for a relationship, whether sexual or otherwise. I leave the search for information to you.
This reply is with regards to confession 4. Nvm, I wanted to say something to Brenda but I changed my mind. What I will say is that one's definition of what constitutes cheating and/or who with is pretty subjective. I can say that Brenda (not that she does) shouldn't even keep pictures of Korean drama boys because I feel it's cheating. So, if I was her boyfriend, what would she say or do? Would she agree with me or will she disagree? The facts in this situation are that this guy had these pictures to fantasise about and while the confessor didn't explicitly say so, she didn't discuss whether she asked him to delete the pictures. However, what I wanted to point out is that in this situation hypothetically, you know that the boyfriend has these pictures to fantasise about when statistics show that majority of women won't even know that their significant other is doing so, or is that situation preferable to you. I can even take it a bit further and say that you (statistically at least), are just as likely to be fantasising as well, and keeping it a secret. So, I ask this question again. Do you still think it's cheating? And if you knew about it, what would you do? Would you rather know than keep it a secret?
If my bf sexualises anyone else, especially someone I personally know, it’s an immediate NO. Idc if he thinks someone else is attractive but i draw the line at thinking of someone else in a sexual way. It being so wrong is one thing but I’d be so paranoid and wonder if he’s thinking about her when he’s making love to me.
Men are visual. Women are usually the ones that think of other people during sex. It's okay to fantasize whatever you want when you masturbate. Fantasies have nothing to do with the choices you actually make in life.
The 3rd confession is going to break so many hearts and friendships. A) as Fauzi said, what if he’s fantasising about another friend while doing it with his wife. It might just end their relationship. B) even if he decides to to be completely honest about it and tell his fiancé about it, it’s going to make things very weird and awkward for her. Because it’s their group of friends and every time she hangs out with them she’s probably constantly thinking about her future husband having these fantasies about the friend, and it’s probably going bring a strain in her friendships with them. C) as you guys mentioned, the possibility of the future husband doing anything with the friends is way higher than ever meeting one of the porn stars!
I disagree. Fantasies are just that, fantasies. If it weren't for the fact that the poster even confessed to the act, we would never know that he actually fantasised at all. The majority of us go through our lives doing just that and never telling a soul about it. Multiple surveys have even concluded that, depending on surveys, you get results that show at least 40% to 90% of partners actually fantasise WHILE having sex with their partner. To part A, I would agree if, and only if, he confessed to his partner about the fantasies themselves. It could end the relationship because of the reasons you set forth in part B of your exposition. The issue of Part C concerns me. There is no proof, scientific or otherwise to support your conclusions on this matter. The fact is, my research shows that the majority of people never fulfil their fantasies at all with the exception of people who have mental defects which make them become impulsive and in whom the barrier between thought and behaviour, has been broken. However, that is not to say that statement C is inaccurate but it is unlikely with a normal person without mental defects. Ultimately, it is up to the confessor in confession 3 where this goes. I have stated the facts and if had to make the point, one would NEVER know that our own partners were fantasising about others while having sex with us. So, while I agree with Fauzi on this matter, I only do so in part. Our fantasies are our own, and the fact that his man (i am assuming) is confessing at all is that he hasn't been taught about what is right and wrong. Sure there is sex-ed in Singaporean schools but does it touch on subjects like that, being from the area myself, I know there are other reasons for his undecided position. As for Brenda's statement, I can only say again, IF she ever found out, and that is a big if because fantasies are rarely shared.
To me, Story 4 is a huge red flag. The extent of sexually objectifying friends/colleagues whom you know on a personal level is disrespectful and honestly, very disturbing. And where does this end - where will he draw the line? This habit is unlikely to stop after marriage. Who will he be fantasising about next? Your domestic helper? Your children's school/tuition/ballet teachers? Your teenage children's friends when they come for sleepovers? But I digress...😅
right!!! it's weird as hell to even think about your acquaintances/mutuals/friends that way, i was honestly so surprised that they weren't immediately disgusted by it 😭 it's revolting
So the solution is that he shouldn't share these weird fetish to his partner. Ignorance is bliss. Whatever happens in the mind and not acted out is its proven that he is not going to act on it, its all is imagination, and her doubts are of course imagination.
@@callabarnes means they confirm are aware themselves and know that they've might done the same... Aren't we all *.*
Same for story 3. Huge red flag!
@@yapolloable He didn't share it though, he was found out by the girlfriend.
I can understand women here thinking it's disgusting, but like what Fauzi said, as long as the guy doesn't act on it, I honestly think it's fine. And these kind of situations is more like, if you don't ask, you won't know. In this case what you said, being "ignorance is bliss" is better.
Its not always about communication but the idea of good faith. If we are getting to know each other, like each other, and moving to the direction of exclusiveness, it is in good faith to keep it in your pants la atleast. If you cannot, its not called cheating but the other party reserve the right to question your seriousness in the relationship.
Exactly! Finally some sense. It’s not always just about being official. There are some unspoken rules and if you break them you can’t blame the other party for viewing you as a player
I literally love this duo. It’s like you both have the perfect match of energy and vibe. Hoping to see more from you two 😭
Yesss love two of them
Even if it’s not classified as cheating, it doesn’t mean that the act is right. A few of these cases are not exactly cheating per se but it doesnt mean that it is morally right to carry out these acts. So rather than obsessing on whether it is cheating or not, maybe it’s better to zoom out and evaluate if it’s morally right for these different scenarios
i’d say it doesn’t matter whether certain actions are “officially considered cheating”, they can be huge red flags for the rs regardless
Well said 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Amen!
Those cases with pictures of people they are close to satisfy their urge is not about cheating anymore, it is about the mentality/moral of the person which have not been known to their partner yet
It is very disturbing and disgusting acts which most people will not accept~
When the mind already strays very soon the body will also.
To me it’s a red flag for the guy to masturbate with the thoughts of his friends and the one who keeps photos of friends, colleagues etc😬 I suggest these guys seek professional help as it’s not normal to fantasise/have lust with your own friends/colleagues etc? Watch porn is another story but to someone you know for years or decades? That is straight up wrong. It will get worse after they married for sure. Imagine his wife to be finds out and be traumatised? This kind really alarming as it can be a mental disorder. You can have fetish yes but these guys sounded too obsessed to me and that is not healthy.
For me, as long as feelings are involved it’s considered cheating. Officially tgt or not.
I'm only halfway watching this but I'm reminded about a thing I had with a guy during pre-U. It was similar to this. I had a crush on him, started talking to him, hung out with him like just eating and cafe hopping stuff. One day, we went to a room and we were both sitting on the bed, and then he just got on me (so we were lying on the bed together), held down my arms and kissed me. I was obviously shocked cuz although I had a crush on him, and we had been hanging out and calling every night for idk at least 1 month+? , I was still quite surprised by the kiss cuz there weren't anything official yet. After that incident, he changed course soon and had to go abroad for studies, met a girl in a club that he personally told me in the call and said that he felt like an idiot for missing the chance to kiss her in the club.
I was a bit hurt because although we weren't official, I still liked him and we kissed after all.
Long story short, I decided to block him to move on from whatever I was feeling since honestly there was nothing I could do, I couldn't tell him to stop cuz we weren't a thing anyway.
And now I'm happily taken and loved by my current bb ❤️
In case number 3, as a guy speaking here - I felt we all need to be honest about ourselves and our partner. Here is my take:
1. Sex is good --> how good? Is your partner fulfill all the 'fantasies' that you have within? Fantasizing about stuff usually happens because of unmet perception vs real-life experience. This will create a lot of cracks in a long-term relationship and a high possibility of an affair. If not, many of the guys I knew at my age visited prostitutes or have hidden 'partners' overseas - will your future wife be okay with that?
Or, are YOU okay with yourself turning into this kind of person in the future?
There is nothing wrong with choosing this kind of life, and I am not here to judge anyone who chooses polygamist culture, ethical non-monogamous culture, etc... I do understand where they are coming from. This applies to both women and men equally.
We just simply need to be real with ourselves.
2. Communication is key here. Following no 1, once you identified unmet perception vs real-life experience, talk things through with your partner. There is still time to work things out. As in any kind of committed relationship, there need to be two hands to clap and two hearts to be vulnerable and open to each other. Nothing should be a taboo topic to 'keep under the carpet'.
Since both of you have let yourself be vulnerable and open physically in sex, why not go all the way deep into the spiritual and mind? :)
3. Don't be afraid to own up to your own happiness and what you want to see yourself in the future. Your partner should *NOT* be obligated to be someone he/she is not. Neither he/she is responsible to make you your authentic self (with all the fantasies). Many people that come across our lives may have "good tick boxes" (i.e. they are great individuals), but they may still not be good long-term partners.
We have to be honest with ourselves and not fear walking this life alone. The right person will come along - and that 'fantasies' will finally end.
All the best people!
Intentions are best conveyed via action or the lack thereof/inaction. #1 & #2 are problematic because they straight up did it. Agree that communication could have been better but also agree with other commenters that it’s an unspoken thing precisely because that’s the respect you should extend to the other party. You can argue all you want that you didn’t technically cheat but you’d fail to convince the other party to stay, so what’s the point?
On the other hand, letting fantasies stay as fantasies actually shows self-restraint in a way. #3 seems extremely clear on only loving his gf and it’s not like you can control whom you fantasize about. There’s clearly no feelings involved. In fact there’s no physical interaction either…none involving >1 party anyway lol. I think indulging the fantasies only to that extent and not complicating things by being unnecessarily honest to his gf is exactly the right call. The argument that it’s okay to fantasize about celebrities but not people you know is a little ridiculous because there’s no choice involved, is there? Your brain can’t be like wait this is a friend! Don’t be turned on. Lol doesn’t work that way. In fact i feel sorry for him that he has to ask this at all. He honestly seems like a decent guy who has a guilty pleasure but strong boundaries but is now worried because of the status change (gf -> wife) and scared that he is doing something wrong to her.
#4 illustrates why you should keep such things to yourself and put in the effort to make sure they are never discovered. I can’t fault the partners who find out and feel uncomfortable - of course they would. I understand too. Even though i may not think there’s anything very wrong. It’s just ‘weird’.
And this is why absolute honesty is seldom the way to go. You need to understand each other well enough to know when the truth would only hurt despite it not being harmful to begin with. It’s easy to say that you can just say you are not comfortable and to suggest a solution, but that’s unfair to the person who tried to be honest for your sake only to essentially get rejected for something you’re uncomfortable with but isn’t actually anything wrong.
Falling in love with your best friend can be complicated. However, if you’re both determined, you can always find ways to make that type of relationship work for the long run.
I feel that stories 3 and 4 are still bad regardless of whether it’s someone they know in real life or pornstars. Why think about other people besides your own partner? Does it mean your partner is not attractive and does not satisfy you? 🤔
This is something I can’t understand, because if I’m in love with my partner, I will look only at my partner and nothing else would deserve my time to think about in a sexual way.
Wah this episode 🤯🤯🤯, thank you for publishing this!
At first I was sceptical of what Fauzi said on cheating being a lack of communication, but after going through the first 2 confessions, if feelings and expectations are involved, yeah clear communication is needed. Even the last 2 ones, sure it might not be cheating, but if it makes one party uncomfortable - this is something that needs to be talked about (again clear communication).
honestly urall should also turn this into a podcast!!
story 3, i dont think it's cheating, i think it's sick in the mind.
Sadly its quite common. There are even forums where they share their friends who are girls pictures.
#3; it’s definitely not cheating (emotionally nor mentally) but just morally 100% not right 😅 there’s no intention to it but just knowing it will make your partner flip, and disagree with the actions.
As long as there no proper declaration of love and feeling to a person or official courtship happening, then there is no commitment yet; that person cannot be angry and fire back at you for cheating or ghosting accusations if you ever happen to entertain one or two person for love prospect
i think right if whatever situation you're in and if you are questioning whether it is cheating, think about what your partner's reaction would be if you tell them. Cause both of you define your relationship and boundaries, some would be more liberal or conservative. So if you think they will feel betrayed, then its time to have a conversation about it if you truly commit to them
I hope Brenda never gets into such situations everrrr
fauzi can write a book about this subject
I don't find Brenda's responses surprising. Many girls think that their bf/husband just dreaming of another person is cheating... hahaha... But on a more serious note, I think many people have sexual fantasies because because they think it is unachievable IRL, or their sexual needs are not even fulfilled IRL. So I guess it boils down to communication. But then this begs the question. If your partner does confess to you that they have some crazy sexual fetishes, or that they have a high sex drive and want to have sex every day or multiple times a day, would you be willing to fulfill them? So while I do not think it is considered cheating to fantasize about people you know, it may be immoral or just weird? But those two terms are very subjective so I don't think it is correct to outrightly criminalize someone for it. Maybe talk about it sincerely and with an open mind, and see what kind of compromises can be made. For example, stop keeping photos of your colleagues and friends and I'll put more effort in satisfying you sexually. My 2 cents.
love how impartial and fair Fauzy’s opinions are. Definitely without any double standards. Never quick to judge or pass a biased comment. Cant say the same for Brenda…
Thank goodness Fauzy is there to give an unbiased (perhaps unpopular) opinion without any prejudice
I think the general consensus is if you have to ask, means it is cheating or it is not alright already.
Also, I love this Brenda and Fauzi combo👏🏻🤣
Fauzi is a W guy, so logical
Yay Brenda and Fauzi are so funny and good at explaining their thoughts. Haha for me, porn means cheating because it is looking at and thinking of someone other than your partner.
Life's simple, you make choices and you don't look back. - Han
basically for all these stories.
Cheating is tiring...
story 1
kenot 1 aldy is taking up dedication of working out the issues of compomising
where got time for no 2
story 2
pick one direction and work at it.
story 3
Maybe its just the fetish of familiarity ?
story 4
what about local influencers ?
I know alot of guys follow and heart local influencers some of them married.
but what would the ladies say ?
Brens ? and thoughts ?
on your BF
liking following and hearting the posts of other personalities outside of TSL but still in Singapore ? 🤔
Haha ya Sia, Girl 1 feels like shes a crazy red flag trying to fish amongst all the red flags.
hahaha 6:25 i can’t be the only person who would tell both parties that i’m also dating someone else though, it’s just being honest since there isn’t anything wrong with that if we’re not exclusive/official in the first place. and likewise they are free to do the same?
so #1 and #2 definitely not cheating, but yes can be shitty + needs communicationnnnn
Hahahaha this is like doing maths 😂
Let B go bro, leave the man alone
those guys with sexual fantasies with so many ppl they know....is it really normal or do they have some kind of mental health they need to seek help for before it escalates into actually carrying out their fantasies?
is my life too boring or this is just too fantasy XD
haha for the last one that the ex who cheated on her, they probably lying to her about not nutting #justsaying
You're just hearing one side of the story. There could be no good guys/gals here.
Personally for me based on story 3, the guy is not cheating, this is just a subconciously developed horny fetish of his i guess. The fact his fantasies have remained as fantasies and no feelings are involved with the other gfs of his girlfreind,it is not considered as cheating.The fact that these fantasises have not been materialised by him is indicating that subconciously he wouldn't do anything to ruin the relationship he has with his gf, mentally,emotionally & physically. So yeah, to me he is not cheating.His mind is just wired differently😋
It'ss cheating if I think of my gf's friends during sex with her, but what if I think of my gf's mum? It's still part of my gf right?
Brenda if you are evergreen u can't technically be cheated what -.-
she has had a bf in sec sch
It’s not cheating, it’s a person fxxking around
Story 3 is an interesting Case:
Do our thoughts get to determine us? Are they not reflexivity, don't we give the the power if we deny them? Or We can bring our into light and diminish them just as thoughts. We all have very different inner 'voices' , some angry,some sad, alot of them usually are negative and are not socially-acceptable.
But we should not be judge by our thoughts, rather than our actions. Our mind desires novelties and taboo instincts, the more we not allowed to think, the more powerful it will become.
Porn Actress (Fantasies) Friends ( Reality), the psychological distance might to near and alot of time will trigger mate-guarding instincts in both sexes. To some even masturbating to porn is 'cheating' because of such anxieties, coz one need to introspect on the idea that 'One' can provide everything.
However, we all know it is not true, alot of people were raised ingrained with an self-imposed belief that "we are not enough", hence if your partner can trigger that deep-seated feeling of 'not enuf'.
Quite interesting to see their Strong Reactions from about fantasizing about others while physically having sex, so are you guys saying even the sanctity of our own thoughts need to be moderated by morality police?
Quite contradictory considering such shaming lead to a lost generation of people who were attracted to same-sex orientation.