People Neglected in Childhood Can't See BIG HOLES In New Relationships
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- Опубліковано 13 чер 2023
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Rather than creating a happy life, people with trauma from childhood wait for the ideal relationship to come along and MAKE them happy. You may catch yourself believing that if you could JUST find the right person, or say the right thing, everything would work in your life. But when your identity isn't developed and you don't know how to be happy, your life is full of holes. This is when people with CPTSD may try to use "emotional spackle," filling in the holes by ignoring red flags and opening their hearts as IF the other person is wonderful and reciprocates their feelings. But imagining there is love where there is no love brings grave disappointment. How can you see clearly, and reserve your heart until the time -- and the person -- is right?
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This is a critical reminder for me, to speak carefully, politely and deliberately, about what I really want, think and feel, regardless of whether a prospective mate likes it or not.
I get the impression that this was the writer’s first attempt at dating a woman, after years of “crap fitting” herself to a heterosexual lifestyle. I can understand why she would have such a powerful emotional reaction and sense of attachment. It was a brand new, life changing experience. I hope she is able to give herself some grace for the mistakes, find healing honesty within herself and genuine love in the future.
“Blunt demeanor,” “sarcastic dry humor,” deflective sarcasm” in my case were red flags I turned into green lights in 2000 when I met the man I married in 2004 & am now divorcing.
As a licensed therapist I 'call out' my patients/ clients quite often, but with unconditional regard. I tell them, " If I don't gently challenge you then who will?" I'm a new prescriber here and I agree with your techniques and philosophy. I will definitely be watching more of your awesome work! 😊
As an unlicensed patient, one of my primary needs is the reality/sanity check. When/where I am wrong, I NEED TO KNOW!! Just knowing helps a great deal.
A prescriber? Psychiatrist🤔
@@IsitReallyrealreally No they meant subscriber.....as they had already said that they were a Licensed Therapist. . A Psychiatrist has to have a whole lot more qualifications to practise especially in the NHS
@@IsitReallyrealreally I was referring to being a new prescriber to this UA-cam channel! I didn't word that very well.....
@@IsitReallyrealreally subscribeR
I found this video and had two thoughts:
1. Anna Runkle really knows whats up on my head
2. UA-cam's algorithm knows too much about my insecurities
"Stay inside your hula hoop and not try to make other people be something." Brilliant!
Man, just in the first read of the letter I thought, "Uh-oh, she was dating a classic Dismissive Avoidant, this is not gonna go well." I swear, I could have saved YEARS of banging my head against the wall if I had gotten to integrated attachment theory first- but finally doing so saved me from ever ending up in these types of situations again. Heal. Your. Attachment. Style. You can thank me later. I got a lot of help from Heidi Priebe and Thais Gibson and Personal Development School. Note: most people that came from developmental trauma have a Fearful Avoidant (aka Disorganized) attachment style. But healing is possible!
I’m a Personal Development School alum and my life has taken off, for the good!!
Bless u
agreed
What if you are a Dismissive Avoidant? Does trauma also cause it or is it something else?
@@Nariel7 ye, attachment trauma. Check out Heidi Priebe
I apprecciate how honest you are with people. You don't sugar coat it, or side step it. Many times, I need to hear exactly what you are telling the people who write you.
The limerence in this one is strong, she has gotten free of it once and i believe in her to do it again!!
Lol that is my deal breaker too! Not gonna get intimate until I Am ready!! Not rushing like a fool would!!! Im not wounded anymore:)
I remembered that tarot reading feeds limernce and magical thinking can you can talk about more.
Thank you for pointing out the issue with the "concern for you" or the "i am just wondering how you are". I sure have done that myself before. And people have been doing it to me and i always wondered why that rubbed me the wrong way. I could never tell BECAUSE they were being "nice" technically.
I can’t possibly add to what Anna has said. I’m Just going to wish this woman well on her journey to first find her courage to be strong in the dating seen.
Extremely good advice...
Wow, I did this all of my life!
So grateful for Anna putting words and names to this stuff. If I had known this earlier, it would have saved me years of disastrous relationships, pain and trauma.
Why do we need so long to get those things? Even if I had listened to this in my 20s, I wouldnt have been able to really understand. 😢
@suzannelamartinez9804 I do not know. It's not supposed to be that way. I'm glad you are much younger than I am. I'm 67 and my life is not such that I can remedy my situation.
Must say I’ve watched a fair share of Anna’s videos but have particularly enjoyed her carefree light humorous way in this one. Great to see this side of you Anna and thanks for everything you do.
If someone's too eager & tries to rush me into something more than I'm ready for, it turns me off even if I was really into him to start. Neither can I get into someone who isn't into me.
Also, due to my attachment wounds, I take my time about sleeping with a man I think I like unless I already know the guy's a jerk, I just want some sex for the next few weeks and he'll do. It's easier to manage my expectations and my anxieties if I wait and let us spend time getting to know each other.
If I like someone, I know I'll get all butthurt all the time and have to hide it so I don't seem like a psycho while I suffer from feeling psycho. I can't blame him for dumping me fast simply because I know if he did it to me, I'd dump him, no choice. When a man wants to wait he is communicating to us that he genuinely likes us. We are communicating the same when we take time. If sex happens quickly; if he says you're soulmates, run. That's what I do.
Among my traumas was how my first LTR eventually turned violent and cruel, but I was totally dependent on him so I couldn't do much to make it stop. I'm very skittish about anyone coming on too strong as a result and strongly resent anyone who attempts to lure me into a co-dependency. I've been single and independent for years and I'd say you have to spend time with yourself as much as you have to take your time with someone you really think you like.
I would also expect a future of abuse from a person who pressured me into more of a relationship than I was ready for but then already started to build walls he called boundaries before we even know each other. I'd have to hard pass.
It sounds to me like Amy had no idea what this woman had been through since this woman didn't ever get very deep, but Amy only cared about her own agenda anyway. Amy might want to spend as much time thinking about what kind of partner she wants to be as she does thinking about the perfect partner. I mean, many of us would have gotten spooked and ran if we felt this vibe. Think of this one as practice. It's okay to need practice. There are so many things we need practice with as we make our way in the dating scene. So get a lot of practice when the right one comes along you won't wreck yourself over them.
Great one, Anna, one of the best. Thanks!
This has been how I have lived. It hasn’t worked and I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I’m ready, really ready to do it right.
Thank you Anne Runkle this is a valuable point into what is healthy and not healthy in a relationship in recognizing each weakness and healthy point in emotions about life.
“It’s not a boundary to tell people they need to do this atleast early on.” Thank you. Completely agree with this.
10:42 THIS EXACTLY, As someone who is SA (PA leaning) I've learned that if I end up with someone else whose PA leaning or FA leaning the relationship moves way too fast and then I actively have to stomp the breaks on the relationship early on in order to make sure the pace doesn't get out of control. This means we get too close too fast and then the thing explodes after one of us inevitably figures out the other is a flawed human being.
I prefer someone whose SA (DA Leaning) because they're more likely to WANT the relationship to progress slower, at a pace far more appropriate. And they can actively communicate their need for space early on. It's one of the most attractive things ever when a SA/DA can communicate their needs early on then we both don't get overwhelmed and trigger the shit out of each other :')
This story sounds like a classic PA/DA relationship where neither party realized it early on, they didn't address their needs upfront, then they proceeded to trigger the shit out of each other. PA person (the writer of the letter) wanted to get close very quickly and the DA person (their old partner) wanted to slow things down and make sure they were safe in their attachment. The PA person was likely attracted to the DA's independence and appearance of having their life together, and the DA person probably initially felt safe because the PA person was giving them a lot of attention & interest they normally don't get.
**Key for those who are unfamiliar with attachment theory
SA - Securely Attached
PA - Preoccupied Anxious
DA - Dismissive Avoidant
Ive give up, i realise at 62 i will never find the right man. Never been lucky with men, always look warm with me. Im not being rejected any more off men less than.
Your talks are so helpful!
What I learned …
If he does not answer or get back to me, I don’t contact him again.
He always came back until now, sometimes after a few months. Thus, something makes him coming back to me.
I used to flee when it hurt my whole life. This time I will stand the pain for as long it takes until I am truly sick of him not knowing what he wants, until I truly don’t love him anymore.
He wants me according to his words, but his actions speak a different language.
Yes, it’s possible that I romanticize his unavailability (my dad was not available) but running away from the pain brought me so much more pain in the long run (dissociation).
And I am sick of resolving dissociation.
I will let him kill me emotionally until I am truly out of love.
And who knows, maybe some time … this is going to have a happy ending. Maybe he truly loves me as he says, and we manage to end both our pull-push-away patterns.
11:45 It sounds like the prospective girlfriend wasn't a very loving person. Also, sarcasm is a form of aggression. It may come across as funny at times, but it's driven by hidden aggression. It's no surprise it didn't work out in the end. There's bound to be someone better out there for you. Good luck!
Thanks for sharing encouragement!
Eroticization of abandonment. Hoo, boy. Well said, and much needed here. Thanks.
I wish Anna would expand on why she interprets people who "ghost" as " not wanting to hurt our feelings ". 1 no one is responsible for our feelings and 2 saying such things could imply that we now must take the responsibility of their inability to openly communicate and be honest. I do believe it should simply be a red flag when someone ghosts, I don't think I'll ever want to believe they are somehow trying to be kind, in fact the opposite, they are avoiding kindness and honesty. I hope that makes sense.
Ghosters are emotional cowards to be avoided
Yeah, I think they're avoiding the awkwardness of being honest. It's just cowardly and avoidant. So, they don't want to hurt the other person's feelings, in the sense that they don't want to take accountability and experience that person's feelings, but they don't actually care about the person, if that makes sense.
3:31 - I'm just gonna be honest here -
I am SO tired of the lack of awareness of our deep emotional deficits.
I'm tired of ppl not understanding What they are seeking (@ a deep gut level) and WHY. I'm tired of the confusion ppl have over their desires; what they mean, where they are coming from, and why.
@@PreYeah - yes.
Agreed.
I was talking about something different which I will not so blatantly say. I did give hints though - and I have studied the particular subject for more than 40 years. So,... yeah.
Love this video & message! The term "emotional spackle" is very fitting for this discussion! ❤
Thank you!
Wonderful content, as always . Home run, Anna. 💯
Patience sure is a key, wise words! THX!💚
Great video! I appreciate that your videos are often a reminder to be honest with ourselves. Thank you!!
Hello, Crappy Childhood Fairy,
I really enjoy your channel. And find your approach unique and refreshing esp compared to sooooo many other channels on similar topics.
I don't know why I want to express this but I'm gonna... So everytime I hear CRAPPY childhood Ferry, the child inside thinks.... Why would I want a crappy childhood ferry. I want an amazing childhood ferry!! As if the word crappy is describing you and the kind of fairy you are. Instead of the crappy childhood...lol
Holy smokes.... Is just the name triggering me!???!!
Oh Jesus, I'm gonna have a panic attack. Could my childhood have been kinda of crappy? Omg. 😮
I thought I had the best parents in the world. Didn't I?
When Anna pulls out the Fairy pencil s***s getting real :D Just kidding! I wanna thank you for the huge amounts of validation and tough love but also straight up loving tips and recommendations! For instance: You want a person whos into you! A person who is into me? Into my true self? Thats RADICAL. It truly is a radical truth for me. I have done some amounts of healing that i dont just understand that on a cognitive layer it kind of trickles down to my emotions where i can feel.. yeah..thats the way to go. But get this: Here is, by the way, the amounts of recommendations, tips, talks, conversations about dating or meeting a new person my PARENTS gave me: 0. Zero. I JUST realized this after this video, that my parents had never spoken a word with me about dating. They had a truly dysfunctional marriage, so here is part of an answer aswell.
I really do feel that my success in healing (and dating) is related to how much my true self can surface. I have always felt kind of "half-myself" because of the severe emotional neglect and toxic shaming that happend. Its mentioned in Pete Walkers CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving and in John Bradshaws The Shame That Binds Us, that this amount of toxic shame is called "Soul Murder". After reading what effects that kind of toxic shame/emotional neglect can have i can relate to that. Truly eye opening books and so very very helpful in the journey of healing.
That kind of depression from the steady neglect and emotional abandonment had me certainly primed for some addictions in my life. I dropped all teh substances to which i thankfully was never heavily addicted . But overeating and junkfood and excessive amounts of caffein do happen for me still sadly. I do eat healthily aswell and i do exercise. So i have thankfully implemtend some good routines in taht regard aswell. But i can even remember as clear as day when i had my first caffeinated beverage.. its like a just woke up from a slumber, everythign was more colorful.. and i was i believe 9 or 10 when a Dr of our family described me "Cola for fixing a stomach ache". I had my first drug high, i can remeber what i watched on TV (The Pink Panther) where i sat on the couch, what else i had for a food and everything.. that moment is etched into my brain.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment! You're right, when the Fairy Pencil comes out, it's go time! haha Great insight making the connection to the Pete Walker & Bradshaw books, too.
"But get this: Here is, by the way, the amounts of recommendations, tips, talks, conversations about dating or meeting a new person my PARENTS gave me: 0. Zero. I JUST realized this after this video, that my parents had never spoken a word with me about dating. They had a truly dysfunctional marriage, so here is part of an answer aswell"
Similar here; I was adopted and my parents had a really unhealthy relationship, where my a-dad was an alcoholic, bipolar and a whole lot of other not-good-stuff that caused me to voluntarily start detaching from him, or put up a wall at an early age. (Note - I'm not saying bipolar people are bad, but a-dad's bipolar had a big impact on our relationship and I didn't know what was really going on until after he died; I'd always just assumed it was because he was an alcoholic, but could sense there was something else there, too. I was already traumatised by the events of first two years of my life, so I really think they should have let me go somewhere else, but they hid dad's issues and didn't really seem to consider how it might further impact on me. For several reasons, I am pretty pissed off I ended up staying with them, even if they have done good things as well, especially after learning my birth mum - who died several years ago - struggled with her mental illness but was basically a really wonderful and loving person. She was forced to give me up because she was very ill after I was born, though she tried hard to make it work).
@@ShintogaDeathAngel Sorry you had to experience this. My dad also drank quite a bit. Every time after work, and more on the weekends.. i mean he wasnt always mad when he was drinking.. but thats not the definition of an alcoholic right. He was using alcohol on a daily basis, thats whats the problem right.
Thank you for doing this letter. I appreciate your advice and the work you do.
Thank you!
Amy sounds a lot like me in the letter. 😅
She needs to listen to some Matthew Hussey on getting too attached too early
Intimacy with your trauma 😫 wow
Anna, thank you. This was an excellent and valuable analysis. I appreciate your efforts and talent!😊
I love my wife ❤ 42 years together and “we” were perfect for each other from day one ❤
I love your videos but would you conider eliminating reading letters once in awhile? They take up a lot of time when you already know the salient points you want to share
Attachment wounds...interesting. So that's what it is... all my life. Although my life is not over. lol. Have a wonderful day 🙂
Great 👍 video.
I don’t date 😮
Because of my attachment wound. It takes energy to invest. Why invest if it will be over.
Needed this♡
Interesting... hoping there is (or will be) a similar video on getting into a relationship when the person is "love bombing" you. That was my issue, he was "too" into me and it turned out to be a possible sign of BPD, though he absolutely had some severe CPTSD (abandonment the top issue) and hadn't/couldn't deal with it, much less admit it.
People who use hurtful sarcasm ALWAYS are very insensitive.
One of my bisexual friends experienced this a lot when she first started dating other women. There’s a lot of players in the lesbian community it seems, more than you’d think…
Honestly, I think this experience is universal regardless of orientation….
Lots of emotionally unavailable people out there and lots of us coming on too strong because of our trauma.
Attachment wound ..there's a description that seems to ring a bell !!
so if we should avoid the people we're attracted to, how do we cultivate sexual feelings toward the great people who love and are into us but that we're not attracted to?
You wait for the person who is into you and you're equally into them. You don't compromise.
It's OK to not be into people who like you, no matter what their perceived social status/personality is. I feel trying to force an attraction isn't going to work, and at some point could even be considered disrespectful to the other person. The idea of having sex, or even try to carry on a romantic relationship with someone who is into you, because you don't want to hurt their feelings, is icky on many levels and they could be forgiven for being hurt and feeling like they were being used.
I believe that lady was her 1st romance. My 2nd husband who I've been with for 15 yrs I see as my 1st real love. I fell in love with him I believe with in a yr. We've had our ups & downs, but we try to make each other happy & content. I hope she finds what she needs!!!
Anna, you rock ❤️thanks
What can I as a father do to help my daughter. She is 10 and is treated like " the golden child" when she is with her mother. The last 3 visits she lashed out at me.
How is your relationship with your child's mother? Also, do you know if she is only lashing out at you
? or if this behavior happens to others as well.
She's 10. She will lash out until she's 18 and out of the angsty teen/hormone/puberty stuff.
When she lashes out it is usually because she has an unmet need. So, what is she lashing out over and how might that show you what need she is trying to meet?
In general, be her father. Love her unconditionally. See her as your daughter, and not through the lense of resentment you might have for her mother. Built saftey and trust between you two. Don't withdraw from her, don't use silent treatment. Be consistent, hold space, non-judgment, forgiving.
She may lash out at you because she feels safer with you. That said, 10 year olds are dramatic. Can you find a common activity to allow some release of stress? Maybe something she can excell in or at least enjoy? Try to keep her from being a lonely, brooding pre-teen. Get outside, ride a horse, go roller skating, hike, camp etc
@@letsgetit90 I just found a book on co-parenting with a toxic parent. Everything I need is in there. This is typical behavior from a child who is being forced to choose parents. Thanks for you respons, I was getting desperate.
@@georgieeve2026 I just found a book on co-parenting with a toxic parent. Everything I need is in there. This is typical behavior from a child who is being forced to choose parents. Thanks for you respons, I was getting desperate.
If one parent “ abandons “ us after bonding with us it seems that they were forced away from us. The incentive from the courts to give child support to single mothers was for safety & economy. This also could be manipulated because also, the Food Stamp program began for similar. I had to forgive my father for this. He loved me & wood me back after 12 years.
In my opinion and by my experience. It is now unimportant if we have a serious relationship or not.
Although a good friend can often be more appreciated and quite often even more appealing.
The reason is because you're not getting the serious problems of having a relationship.
You are simply having a good friend you can appreciate and be appreciated
That is all
Christopher
I agree - in past times, having friendships was actually considered a lot more important than it is now. And if we can be honest, unless we're poly, we only really have one romantic relationship at a time anyway, so why is that given more importance than having and maintaining some kind of overall social circle? (I'm not counting those who have a habit of going into a relationship and cheat because they feel entitled to do so)
Very informative. 0:30
💖
After 6 weeks of daily communication? I would be in love too 😫 my time perception is so warped
Thanks for watching! You may like Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
I have a question, what does being romantically attracted to someone feel like? How is it different from just sexual attraction?
Question, is attachment wounds and abandonment issues the same?
Not necessarily. But someone can have both.
TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thanks
I am so glad I have you Fairy, I'm just like un huh, yep, un huh, my God are you in my head? ")
Where was Anna when I was in my twenties ?!?!!!
Spackle is the verb, spackling is the noun. It’s petty; grammar is my obsession.
No, sorry. Spackle comes in a can. It is a noun.
It can also be a verb. Spackling is a gerund, and functions as a noun.
I rather enjoy internet grammar Nazis, so keep it up! We need more, in my opinion. The degradation of the written word in the last 25 years is upsetting.
thank you Anna for your great insights! to the author of the letter - thank you for your sharing, honestly - two things are alarming 1. you don´t question your family of origin 2. you don´t know what you want in a partner but you know that you are lesbian although you were never in a relationship with a woman AND you were 7 years in a relationship with a man... maybe your ideal partner is a man (a diffrent one than the one you were in a relationship with) and the thing with women is just a thrill-seeking behaviour? sorry, I don´t mean to tell you what you are, I just wish you a lot of honest self-discovery!
And maybe it's hard to imagine being with a man because she feels abandoned by her father. Seems like she'll need to heal that wound before she can really know.
First!!! ❤
I think it would be also good to hear some input from lesbians here, they might have similar experiences as this woman. But I think the writer is still young and needs to get to know other types of women as well
Hey 👋 Anna,
I don’t know 🤷♀️ if Taylor Swift’s childhood was crappy, but do you think you can help her?
❤😊
Seriously?
@@vivianworden2706That parasocial 'relationship' with Swift needs to be analyzed. For real 😅
@@edunlap6594 that may be true but the therapist never approaches the patient. Its gotta be the other way around. 🤣
What do you think about me telling him my red flag 🚩 right off the bat?
@mehrimazdeh4263 thanks ☺️
Depending on what you consider to be your red flag, if it can interfere with relationships, you should probably try to work on it before seeking a relationship. Dig deep into where it comes from. Journaling about this can lead you to understand what traits you need in a partner. Without having to dwell on and cling to your own hang ups you will be able to be clear in your mind about why you find a potential partner compatible or not. Some habits like smoking or a condition like HepC may be a deal breaker for some people but if it's not something you're able to "give up" it might be best to seek a partner with the same traits. If you have certain responsibilities like children, having to co-parent with an ex, caring for elderly parents, or work... those are not red flags to the right person so being up-front about limits to your availability and what type of relationship you are looking for is prudent early on.
I think gay relationships tend to have more issues because gay people have more trauma. The other thing is that, coming from a space of repression, someone is more likely to 'slut out' and just go for the physical sensations of closeness, rather than stopping to think about what they want in the 3-D view of a relationship. And finally, not having a difference in gender naturally means that one person will have to play a more feminine/masculine role in the relationship, and if that's not established early on, there will be a struggle for dominance that won't end well.
@@milwaukeebuds How is that downplaying trauma? Obviously there are degrees of trauma, this channel discusses CPTSD which is obviously not the same kind of trauma categorically as a war zone. I'm just speaking from my own experiences, you obviously can't relate and that's fine...just don't invalidate them without considering what I'm actually saying.
Goodbye
While all relationship interactions can be learned from, I'd be interested in hearing more examples of heterosexual relationships.
What she's talking about does happen in heterosexual relationships
I don't recall her ever doing a letter on a gay relationship before.
@katiekane5247 fair enough :) I just didn't relate to this podcast much and had high hopes because of title and opening statements... maybe I could have commented better... that I want more core info on "relationship spackle" instead of so much time addressing the specific person's situation. Thanks for helping me comment better :)
@@katiekane5247There have been a few. But the writers are mainly women, so the response videos are in response to them.