Early Loss of a Parent: Its Impact on Attachment
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- Опубліковано 17 лют 2017
- Hello. Thanks for checking out my UA-cam channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Early Loss of a Parent: Its Impact on Attachment
In this video, I talk about the ways we adapt to the incredible loss of a parent, and how our growth is impacted by it. Someone who has experienced this loss or covert attachment trauma will develop a high tolerance for a lack of emotional presence in relationship.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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Early Loss of a Parent: Its Impact on Attachment - Навчання та стиль
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on UA-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on UA-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
I lost my mother at 10 and my dad at 14. I hope peace and love for everyone here who has lost someone...
Wow, just sad. Condolences for your parents.
I lost my mom November 25th 2019, she was 47 and I’m 14. It was unexpected. :(
🙏🏼💜💜🥺
Tali jacobson 🥺🙏🏼💜 you will reunite I promise. All your memories are yours to cherish forever and can never be taken from you. I hope you can find some peace in knowing that 💜💜🙏🏼
Man I lost my pops at 12 and moms at 17 I feel it bro, much love to everybody
My dad died of a heart attack at age 46. I was 9 years old and watched him die. A year later, my mom uprooted us and moved to a different state, so I lost my house, bedroom, dog, school, and all of my friends and everything I knew. I'm so screwed up. I'm now 47 and it's so surreal to think I'm older than he ever got.
I believe in you 🙏
You made it this far. You got this!! reminder everyone is a little screwed up
You can do it! Keep going!
My husband died last year and so my kids lost their dad at 11 and 7. I made sure to keep everything the same as much as I could because I read that stability is really important. If it wasn’t for life insurance I wouldn’t have been able to do that. Many widows, maybe your mom, had no choice but to move and sell their homes etc.
Lost my dad at 9 I came home and found him there lying down
"Falling in love with the potential, or what could come out of this relationship, instead of the actual quality of it" - incredibly helpful........
Thank you for your kind words. Glad this resonates with you.
ThaTurdBurglar I'm horrible at falling in love with potential!!!
Boom 💥 drops mic 🎤 cuz that was real
Yeah, that one hit home for me too. Kept making excuses for him; he has school, career, etc. He will come around to maturity. Give him time.
It opened my eyes to my relationships tbh. I lost both parents at 5 due to abuse, ended up in foster care and basicslly was always moving. My curse in relationships is the comment you just quoted, very helpful. Now I know I focused on potential instead of being realistic.
I lost my dad at 20 and I just lost my mom last week at 33. I'm so jealous of others who still have their parents and they are in thier 60s! They have no idea how lucky they are! I feel so jipped in life. I'm reading some of the comments and see some people lost both their parents when they were only in their teens! I feel for you I really do it's so sad to go threw life without them. They are the only 2 people who love you unconditionally NO MATTER WHAT and when you lose them you feel so alone and lost. May we all find comfort in each other to know we are not alone in these feelings and that others are going threw it as well.
I'm sorry for your losses. Empathy to you. Thank you for responding. I appreciate what you said in your comment about finding comfort in each other. Grieving our losses is a recurring topic in the Improve Your Relationships Community. It can be helpful learning about grieving skills with others who are also learning. Consider joining the conversations.
I didn’t lose a parent, but at the age of five years old I knew that I had to be my own parent. At this point, I do except crumbs in my relationships. I didn’t know why before these videos came out. So thank you for your work, your videos. They have helped me to understand myself better.
I lost my dad at the age of 5, today was his 10 year anniversary. It was so hard to get through today.
Yes, anniversary dates, particularly a milestone anniversary of a painful event, like a parent dying are really hard. It's been 40 years since my dad died when I was age fifteen. Some years pass with hardly a notice while others just pass hard.
Hey man I lost my dad when I was 5 too, and I will always remember his day and count the years it’s been. I’m 17 now and I’m still dealing with his loss, and I feel I haven’t fully acknowledged or dealt or absorbed the fact that he’s gone... ever sense it’s happened it’s just been like a word or an idea, never a real thing for me. I know this is 8 months later but I’m now seeing this video and it’s opening a lot of things for me. Have a good one and know you are loved and peace will come
I will be praying for you . I do know how it feels.
Anniversaries are tough, even after 30+ years, but it is really important to talk and share your feelings, either with a family member or a professional. Do not let yourself bottle up your emotions as it will only get harder if you do.
Much love to you.
Best wishes!
I lost my dad at 5 we were very close I’m very happy I still have memories of Him I’m 16 now trying my best went threw depression but still fighting
Proud of you hang in there
Lost my my mom when I was 11 in 2016, then my dad when I was fifteen in 2020. It has left me with a lot of unresolved emotions but I’m still trying to get through it. I just have to remember that I’m not alone when it comes to things like this
I'm so sorry about your losses. Empathy to you. Painful, I can imagine. Thank you for commenting. Many of us have also lost our parents young. I'm reminded of how we need gentleness.
You are definitely not alone.
Lost my mum when I was 9 and my dad became extremely depressed and thereby neglectful. My parents had that true love and happiness so I always had high hopes for my romantic life but I’ve found myself at 24 years old unable to form romantic attachments to others. I’m extremely independent and self sufficient and even things like fitting someone i love into my daily routine (cooking, sleeping etc) stresses me out... most annoying thing is that I really desperately hope that one day I can find a partner who I love as much as my parents loved each other...
I lost my father at 5 years old. I'm 36 now, and its still very painful. I can't wait for the choking pain to stop some day. My father has been a phantom in my life.
I relate to this so much. I lost my mom when I was 5, I'm 35 now. My family rarely talked about her after her death. Grief is definitely painful and appears in many ways throughout my life.
Same, we don't talk about it at all in my family. I don't even know the anniversary date or pretty much anything about my dad.
I understand. Lost my father at 5 and am now 50. A few years ago, my mom converted old 8mm films she took when he was still with us and it was bittersweet because it felt like I was watching someone else's life.
@@hippychikforever hi, what do you mean by it felt like you were watching another persons life? Thanks
@@carlbernngl I’m not him but I think they meant that the family in the videos and the one that he remembers and experienced were just so different that he couldn’t imagine life was once that way.
Thank you for your video,very insightful.
I lost both my parents by the age of 10 (father 7 my mother 10) . I only started noticing in my late 20s the impact their death had/has on me ( i am currently 30).For the past 5 years i have been trying to deal with it the best way i can as i enter each new level into my life i gain new perspective and understanding which allows me to be more at peace, but i do have my moments of anger and frustration .
Your video helped me understand the disconnect i feel at times with my peers .
My romantic relationships havent been that great either, but i now understand thanks to your video i had to go through them.
Reading what you wrote was like reading straight from my own soul. Lost mother at 12 and father at 16 (though i didn't find out about his death until 21) 30 now and feel very disconnected from everything and everyone. Alan's videos are helping me too, i was literally walking around completely unconscious. Healing and growing are ongoing journeys. May God continue to bless you in yours.
I'm in my 20s and just started to feel how this event has impacted my life and will impact my life. Before this I was studying and just looking for a job and now that my university is done and I have a job, it all seem bigger and I don't seem to cope with ,how did you overcome if you don't mind asking?
Yes can relate
Thank you so much for this Alan, wow! This video is spot on for me. I too lost my father abruptly at 14 years of age. Everything you said you are experiencing and how it has played out in your relationships is the same for me. *sigh* I'm in my 30's and now realize that the trauma of losing my father is way deeper than I thought it was. I'm starting the journey today towards healing and maybe one day I can have an committed adult relationship
I lost my dad when I was 14 from an accident/suicide (no way of knowing for sure, but he was deeply depressed when it happened) and I was 23 when my mom passed away from cancer. 2020 marks the 10th year since my father passed and it will be a year for my mom. It feels so lonely being 24 and having no parents. I have always felt a void, a longing for connections with people. I always feel let down one way or another. It is a lonely life. I know of no one who can relate to me and my story. I have had only failed romantic relationships and I struggle in my friendships. I am doing therapy and probably will for the rest of my life. It feels like I’m broken in some way...
Oh and I suffer from a very strong abandonment anxiety when it comes to romantic relationships. That clinging you described... However I do not tolerate crumbs, I guess that is one thing going for me
Gabrielle, I understand your loss at an early age and I am glad that you have the support of a therapist in doing this work to reclaim your vibrancy. So much of the work in healing attachment trauma is educating ourselves in how it happens in the first place and then learning how to offer that to ourselves as an adult to our inner child. The reason I created the membership community is because many of us have stories like yours. We start with a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community and much more about all our relationships. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community. Please feel welcome.
I can relate to you! Lost both my parents to cancer when i was a teenager. I’m 33 now, still grieving, feeling very alone and i struggle big with all relationships. Hopefully one day we find true love 🤍
my boyfriend lost his dad when he was 11. i remember when it happened... the school we were in announced throughout the school without my boyfriend or his family’s permission that his dad passed. ever since everyone looked at him crooked and never accepted him. when him and i started really talking just under 2 years later i was the only one that saw him for him and tried helping him. 8 years of friendship and 1 year of dating later here we are
Why tf would they do something like that? Like what in the actual hell? Sick.
they did that at my little brothers school when my dad passed away. I was furious. It is really disgusting that schools think it is appropriate to violate someones privacy in such a huge way. Then again, I told my school to keep it a secret, and over time I felt very isolated and did not know how to tell people. I hope your boyfriend is doing better...
Hailey Novakoski I lost my dad when I was 12 and school did the same thing... there should be laws against that
I really don't get how anyone could think that's the right way to go about it? Hooow? I'm pretty sure statistically parents of kids at my school must've died in the years I went there, but I never knew. There was one time a young girl in the lowest grade had died in a traffic accident, so she must've been about 12. The Dean stepped into every classroom in the school the next morning to tearfully tell us about it. She was a butch, tough type, so that made the the whole thing extra impactful, seeing her cry.
Thank you for sharing a bit of yourself, Alan. It's a vulnerable topic. You have my sincerest empathy and love.
Thank you Alan.
I lost my Father at age 14.
I just looked at this video so I could pass on some of your wisdom to my Grandchildren who lost their Dad, My Son when they were so young. It blew my mind. The information was so helpful as are all your videos.You are brilliant at explaining things and give so much of yourself. Thank you so much ...
I lost my mom when I was 16, five years ago. It has impacted myself and my relationship with my family as well as trying to grow up. Thank you for sharing your lessons, it was very understandable.
Lost my mother at age 12 to suicide. Later found out she never wanted children and had an abortion before me. Learning more about what was going on with her and her depression helped with the bitter feelings i had of being left behind however now at 30 i still struggle to connect and feel secure in relationships. Alan your videos have been very refreshing in simply identifying what is happening internally for me. Thank you for doing this.
That’s sad to lose parent that way, but there’s one way of looking at it (not that it makes it any less terrible). At least she died due to her own choosing and not from some uncontrollable external factors. I don’t think the fact she didn’t want kids caused her suicide, from a guess she was ill, but must have had a terrible past. Perhaps you cld consider counselling if u haven’t alreAdy to help u with relationship problems. I am a Christian and I don’t mean to push the issue but finding a good church with a minister you can talk to would be a good start
Thank you Alan. I lost my dad when I was fifteen. I have done a lot of self help over the years to process everything. This video was the missing piece of the puzzle. Thanks for sharing your own experience. The loss of what I didn't have and what I might have had haunted me for years until seeing your video. Now I can accept and understand. I know this will have a big impact on my life. Thank you again!
I lost my mom suddenly when I was 16. I can relate to your story a lot I'm 27 now and this year has been really hard suddenly. Thank you for making this video.
Really, really good Alan. I appreciate your honesty, vulnerability, and insight. I lost my Mom (and had no father) at 18 years old. At the end of the Identity-Role Confusion stage, it was as if I was thrown into a flux, and lost a sense of true self for about a decade. I allowed others to inform (and form) an identity for me that did NOT fit. I am happy to report that I have been able to find a more suitable sense of self, and feel more confident about the direction my life is going. Thank you so much for positing this video!
Yes
My dad left us when I was 3 and he past when I was 19! I don’t feel much about it. I don’t think I can truly address it until my loss from my earlier stage in life is addressed! I lost my mom when I was 5 and my brother. We were stolen and put in an institution. I haven’t had a care giver since I was 5! I love all your videos. They are very encouraging and life giving! You are such a blessing to God’s children! - Thank you and much love. Xx
Maybe I am not as bad, but add to poverty with parents both working with higher education. I think the environment, the country matters.
I lost, was abandoned by birth mom, at birth and the people that adopted me literally kicked me out of their home when I turned 18 and I was still attending high school. I was planning to just quit school but was forced to finish the last 3 months of school so I could graduate with my friends...A friend's mom let me stay with them during this time. Now I'm 37 and I still haven't talked to them. It's sad, I'm a really sweet and loving person and it's taken me years to get "over" how people I loved and knew my whole life, could just turn their backs on me when I started to show signs of being a normal teenager and not really getting in any trouble but trouble was me not wanting to be at home on a friday night alone and they were too busy going out themselves and didn't want to bother giving me rides to friends homes on weekends...It was too much for them to handle. I even hated GOD for years....Dealing with all that still now and its really hard. I have no family and I don't have friends. And there is nothing wrong with me, it's just that I'm too loving and giving and people take that for granted.......I'm sorry for your loss and I can honestly say, I know exactly how you feel.
Les go girl and lost in the clouds I’m sorry to hear this, it’s the sort of thing that happens in stories like the silence of the lambs, Jodie fosters childhood, not real life. The internet has been a real eye-opener for what can happen to people in real life. Hope your life has improved now
I lost my mom when I was 10. We had a day off from school due to an ice storm. I went to a friends for lunch and when I left she( my mom ) was just fine and while I was gone she a blood clot go to her heart and she died. I never had time to totally grieve her death I had to step up to the plate and watch over my brother who was 8. A lot at that time changed everything in our lives.
Mari: that is tragic. how are you now?
This is also relevant when a child loses a parent to alcoholism, emotional unavailability, parental alienation.
For sure very tough situations
One day I'm going to have to get an appointment with you so I can gain extra wisdom for myself. You came outta now where on my video list and honestly I am so happy I clicked on a video. Your videos have been changing my perspective these past few days. Your the sign from my Spirit Guides. Some of the other Life Coaches I watch don't take it deep and explain in detail every aspect of that subject with every feeling/thought in the process. Not just for my side of the story, But for the other person(s) as well. You are such a God Send! If I can stop watching them for a bit, I can get your info and sign up for your groups / community meetings. I'm too busy listening while I do my Bullet journaling addiction and Pinterest. When you explain stuff it is so sweet and non-judgmental or harsh but understanding and i feel ok about what you say is the wrong way to see things b/c I'm still learning how to heal without any resources or other people to help me .That its just awesome that you are basially going to be the reason why I can take this whole Healing Journey thing more seriously now, B/C i see it in a diff light...and i believe I'll heal with no setbacks or even any questions to seek after. Everything resonate so well. So thank you for all your hard work and I too have been very drawn to researching, studying, and reading all I can about the Spiritual aspects of life. It's so hard not to keep wondering what else I'll discover and get so excited to want to share everything with the first person i see....but i don't b/c its only me who is getting "woke" in this house. lol....Your Awesome Thank You! Your helping so many people!
THANK YOU so much for sharing your experiences, knowledge and insights. It's very enlightening and worth listening several times and take notes to do the proper inner work. I lost my father at the same age as you and reacted to it almost exactly in the every way. Your words have made me realize that I'm still dragging a lot of it and affecting my life as consequence. It's quite shocking, but I'm thankful for you. With a ton of gratitude, I wish you all the best, Alan.
Thanks for your kind words. I feel empathy when reading your comment. I'm sorry to hear your your father died. Thanks for letting me know you connect with this content. Glad it is of benefit for you.
man....you just had me tear up...tears running down my face w/out even crying....I sorta' froze where I was when my dad passed. I then was terrible in many relationships including friendships, but back then I was the one to be the terrible friend & or just pass up an important relationship. As I told my priest when my dad passed, "Why love anyone again". However, then later in life; Yes, I went onto what you spoke about when I faced it again, I put up w/things as you said. Trying to keep the relationship on 'track' no matter, no matter what. My bro was 14 too & I was just about turning 18. However, my dad was SUPER strict & that affected my maturity level. I was his 'sidekick' & as I started to date he really couldn't take it & we didn't speak, w/in the same home, for over 2 years from16-17, 17.5...Yeah, so even w/any relationship between being overly controlled to losing him & the constant need to impress him; I think it really affected my emotional 'stunt' in maturity. Anyway, great video. I wish I could find a therapist like you. Your not near Boston are you, lol....
Thank you so much for being so open with your experience and bringing a light to this subject! I too lost my fater at age 13 and can relate to what you are saying. It was a trauma that I never dealt with that is now coming to light.
I'm sorry about your loss. Empathy to us. Glad this video speaks to you.
I appreciate your vulnerability and honor your grief and pain. As always, I truly truly appreciate your work. ❤️
Hi Megan. I appreciate your reflections. Thank you for valuing my work. Please help spread the word by sharing the video via Instagram, Facebook, or twitter. It's important that we all keep this conversation that there are skills and resources for grieving and processing loss.
Your video has allowed me to recognize and understand what has been the most difficult truth to accept in my life. I thank you for waking me up so that I can begin the journey into healing this emotional scar and so that I can connect with my children so that they begin the heal the emotional connection with me. Well done
Yes I relate
Thank you for this video. I am 28 and experiencing the flood of emotions you described at age 27. I was 2 when my dad died and I really appreciate what you said about "crushing grief of not achieving the promise." This put into words something I have felt but couldn't describe. Thank you!
Yes
I was 2 when my mom died 💞
thank you for your videos, healing and validating information
I lost my dad when I was 12. At 53, I was hiking and wandered into an area where we used to go hunting. Suddenly, I just started sobbing and said, "Why did you take my daddy away? I loved him and he loved me. Why did you take him away from me?" I have a high level of spirituality and never have asked Heavenly Father that question. I don't know where it came from.
I hear you. Empathy to you. I'm sorry your dad died, and so early on. Thanks for reflecting and responding here. Many of us can relate with losing a parent so young.
Grieving our losses is an ongoing topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you so much for opening up to us and explaining this in such a good way. You're helping a lot!
Linda, Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Your self-awareness is refreshing!
I guess suffering brings deepth in your self awareness
Splif Beatz
It's not that simple.... Here are some qualities you MUST possess to have self-awareness:
You’re able to look inside yourself.
You understand how your thoughts and behaviors affect you and the people around you.
You’re able to manage your emotions and comfortably deal with other people’s emotions.
You don’t walk through life hurting others.
You treat yourself and others well.
You’re generally happy and balanced.
You live a meaningful and fulfilling life.
You know who you are deep inside.
You listen to your inner voice.
You build healthy relationships.
You don’t get into a lot of conflicts.
You don’t try to control other people.
You behave with kindness and empathy.
You don’t feel you have to win or beat people.
You heal your inner damage.
You derive your self-esteem from being a healthy person.
You listen to other people.
You don’t feel threatened by new or different ideas.
You live based on reality.
You give to others.
You don’t have an inflated ego.
You don’t make excuses for the mistakes you make.
You’re willing to change.
Wow, that's writin nice. Thank you. I'm on my journey :)
I lost my mother when I was 11 from cancer. I hate how I always have high expectations for myself and don’t actually get a lot done. I hate that I’m missing out on so many meaningful memories that would’ve majorly impacted me. And my dad is hardly even there for me
Hannah, Yes, we explore this idea often in the community. Many of us can relate. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I’m so sorry to hear that dad is distant. Prayers for you both
🤗
I lost my mom when I was 10 and I’m also really hard on myself! And I don’t get a lot done, it’s always an internal struggle, thought I was the only one!
I lost my mom to complications with cancer at 13. It's been 20 years since she passed away...
Thank you for sharing such meaningful information and bringing in your personal experience. I lost my father abruptly at age 17, and it explains why when a relationship ends abruptly, it's excruciatingly painful. Also, there's a fear I hold through the relationship that it might end suddenly.
Big big thanks!
Holy crap are you on spot!! You explained this so well and hearing it explained this way makes a lot of sense. Personally I lost my father when I was almost four and didn't have a lot of much support afterwards.
Thank you for sharing you connected with this video and it made sense. I'm sorry for your loss and it's so important to be talking about this.
I've lost my father at age 14 to lung cancer. Now that Im 24, It is somewhat comforting knowing that the things I feel, the failures I perceive of myself are not only my own. I thank you for posting this
I lost my mom when I was 15 . I’m now 24 and A lot of what your describing Is comming for me nod . Thank you for sharing your story and for helping others
I’m
Here to understand what’s up with my guy he has some problems
Thank you very much for your great insight and sharing. I hope to watch many more of your other videos. My father died suddenly when I was age almost 4. My mother remarried for a short time and that was traumatic as well. So, I am now a therapist age 60 and have an anxious attachment style. I really like your description of "what I have to learn" from that age of 4 within Erikson's model as crucially where I go when I am struggling in my adult relationship - autonomy vs. shame and doubt. I would add that because my father died when I was so young I never really knew him but did find out later that he was significantly depressed and alcoholic during my lifetime. So trying to piece together what I am lacking in adult relationships now suggests to me that all the following stages were impacted. I struggle with autonomy and want to give more to my relationships it seems than my partners care to, and this is because I feel a lack of stability in relationships generally. In friendships I am quite fearful of rejection and so perhaps put too much pressure on my life partner for things I cannot attain through other relationships due to that fear. So, again thank you for your wonderful way of expressing yourself and your gifts of helping others.
I lost my mum at 3 years. not to death. but she left due to domestic violence from my father.i grew up with my dad. I'm a woman. 28 now
Lost my dad when I was 9. I still feel like a kid at 45 years old. A curse and a blessing. Lows and highs. Since his death, I’m always philosophically questioning reality all the time, and then I’m life of the party trying to be funny & off the wall the other times (2 extremes). I will look up Ericsson’s Stages of Development. Thank you for your efforts, Alan.
Holy mother goose! Seriously you see into my soul...
Thank you this explains so much.
I lost my mom in a tragic fire when I was 24. She lived across the street from me. I was at work when it happened. It was winter and the cause was faulty wiring in the apartment building. The electric heater I gave her melted causing the fire that essentially took her life through smoke inhalation.
I am 39 now and 2 years ago I lost all sense of myself during her death date. I thought I dealt with it but I did not and my daughter was living with her dad at the time, I didn't have the distraction of living and I Seriously went through the loss all over again. I was a mess for 2 months. Through the years it would catch me and I had to deal and keep pushing so I would be a mess for a week or 2 and never actually process any of it.
The lay out is January 14th is her death date and January 17th is my daughter that passed away when she was 48 days old birthday. Every year is terrifying during that week I just never know how I am going to feel.
Now I absolutely understand wtf I have been doing putting up with terrible relationships for far too long. I no longer do that and have been single for a while now working with myself, processing, rewiring and finally living. That makes a lot of sense why I stayed in that particular relationship and really all of them that were not good for me. My approach is very different now. I am still working through the trauma and accepting all of the things.
Thank you very much for sharing your story.
My heart goes out to you so much and thank you for always being str8 with us and helping us develop the tools to really work through all of the really hard stuff we have been avoiding for so long weather we knew we were doing it or not and how it relates to everything we are doing now.
To everyone who has lost someone you are important, you are loved and you will gain your strength to not only carry on but also to conquer this life as we know it, coming out on top and thriving better than ever before!
I lost my father at 1.1/2 years i mis my father very much ..yestrday i was saw my father in dream am very happy..😢😢😢
I’m 23 and lost my dad almost two years ago to pancreatic cancer. Thank you for providing your insight, sharing your experiences, and putting words to thoughts I haven’t been able to properly verbalize.
Matthew, I'm sorry about your loss. Empathy to you. Thank you for your feedback that this video helped thoughts become more tangible. Glad the video resonated for you. We explore grieving our losses together in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. You're welcome to join us. Check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This is the first video of yours that I've watched but man am I glad I did. This is very deep stuff. Makes me question some things. Namely that I don't even seem to get this kind of insight from therapy.
Thank you so much for sharing. I lost my mother at 14 and this resonates deeply with me. I shared this with my partner as a way to try to connect about some of my experiences with him. Very grateful for your vulnerability!
Caroline, empathy to you. I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for letting me know this video spoke to you. I appreciate you sharing the video. Please share it with friends and others who might also benefit from it.
Also if you are interested to learn more about the impact on attachment, I created a course on attachment distress. Due to history of attachment trauma we all have different ways we manage relationship stress. To learn more take The Attachment Distress quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thanks for your comment.
My father died when I was almost 2 and my mother when I was 4. Have been living with amazing foster parents but this stuff makes so much sense of the situation I've been in..
The Falling apart of the promise. The missing piece in my inner work and which has outstandingly painfully impacted my relationships. Particularly the phrase, " There was a sense of security but there was no actual engagement/being known". Same to my mother. My grandmother's wound that I have been carrying around in my psyche, discovered after layers of inner work.
Thank you ❤️.
Thank you for the meaningful reflection. I hear you about the layers.
Thanks so much, Alan for all of your video's, you make so much sense and have helped me hugely understand so much, I am very grateful!
Thank you for valuing my content Kate. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thank you for this video. I really appreciate your in-depth explanations and sharing of this complicated process.
I appreciate the comment. Thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it brings you benefit.
Grieving our losses and family relationships are topics in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us in our conversations. www.alanrobarge.com/community
This explains more than I am ready to admit.
I understand. Glad this video speaks to you.
Thank you, Alan.
Thank you for giving a voice to this ! I lost my mom at 13 suddenly and I like how you talked about the promise
Empathy to you. Thank you for sharing this video spoke to you. Glad the ideas are helpful.
It's important to keep talking about our losses and how they show up in our current lives. This is something that is explored in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you'd like to learn more, take the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
So helpful!!! Your and my experience is exactly the same, these tips and advice is priceless! Thank you
I'm glad to hear this video was helpful. Thank you for letting me know it resonated. If this content is beneficial for you then you may also be interested in checking out the Improve Your Relationships Community where members seek out learning about healing. The community is based on Self-Directed Healing which means you create your own healing plans. You get to pick and choose what is important for you to focus on. Members have reported feeling supported by sharing their healing processes with each other. Getting support from others who are also learning can be very helpful. Consider joining us in the conversations.
Check out the Improve Your Relationships Community.
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Wow just amazing. I am a Family Constellation facilitator. I became one to heal my own trauma. I went to psychologists for years to help me understand my difficulties with myself and primarily, relationships with others. I know all the theory you discuss... I know it logically but to hear the way you put it so succinctly...I am finally understanding my trauma, my difficulties with relationships and my isolation, over independence and inability to act on red flags even when I notice them. My mom died when I was six on her way to collect me from school ... I'd just entered first grade...stage of development... learning and forming friendships and relationships. I've been with my husband since teens (26 years). I did not notice our dysfunction for years until we healed many of those wounds, and being a healer I wondered how I could not have seen them for so long. Everything you say makes perfect sense to me now. Arrested development indeed!! I'm watching your videos on attachment trauma and having aha moments by the dozen. Thank you! Thank you for the work you do in this world and for sharing it the way you do!
Is there anyway I can get into contact with you?
WOW. Just doing some research for a story I am writing - in part, based on some personal experiences - and absolutely got rocked by this. Thank you, this is life-changing.
Thanks Mr. Robarge! This video really helped me gain insight into some aspects of my partner's past and current experience. He too lost a parent when he was an early adolescent.🙏
I'm glad to hear this video helped you gain some insight. Good for you for researching to understand your partner's experiences. I appreciate the comment. If you would like to learn more about attachment behaviors to keep building empathy for yourself and others then you may want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Epic message, I lost my mom at 3, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!
Yes
You have hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much. I was fourteen when my mam died in accident, and I’ve lived with a lot of self loathing since and became very closed off and independent afterwards. I’ve found in all of my romantic relationships that I felt quite quickly that we didn’t gel, but I wanted things to work so badly, and I didn’t want to abandon anyone or hurt anyone, so I would pretend that I wanted things I wanted until I couldn’t do it anymore. I’m now trying to explore the loss of my mother and see if it can help me in being more honest and assertive and less afraid of leaving and losing people, and not falling in love with the first person who shows me any sort of kindness like my mother showed me haha lot to sort through
Empathy to you. I'm sorry about your loss. Thank you for your reflections. It makes sense.
I tried dating a girl who lost her father aged 14. We DID gel, very well, very quickly on the first date, she even confessed that herself, I mean you couldn't hide it, we got on very well, she agreed to a 2nd date and then before the 2nd date, i get a message "we're not compatible".
I totally had attachment issues before I lost my dad but it’s been two years and I stumbled upon your contact thank you so much Alan for sharing your experience strength and hope
I'm sorry to hear you lost your dad. Your comment brings up empathy. Glad this content delivers some sense of hope. Thanks for valuing my work.
Wow, I related to every aspect of this video. I also lost my father at 14. I am now 25, and at times I feel like it affects me more today then it did then. I am starting to more fully understand how this trauma affects me today. As you mentioned, I too developed a hyper independence. I am now coping with this unresolved grief, and trying to make sense of it.
Ginny, deep empathy to you. I'm sorry for your loss. It's helpful to name our losses to allow healing to take place. I am glad that you are doing your healing work, identifying the affects of trauma and find this material helpful on your journey. Yes, the hyper independence makes sense considering the history.
Thank you for responding. Please know that there is support for learning how to heal and grow through the community I started, Improve Your Relationships.
It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. You're invited to check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Also, due to our history of attachment trauma we developed certain ways to cope with stress in our current relationships. I recently created a course on this. We can gain skills in interdependent relating by understanding the different ways attachment distress shows up for people. To learn more take The Four Attachment Distress quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Hello. I appreciate all the info that you provide in your videos. They have been very helpful and comprehensive. When it comes to this topic could you possibly recommend any additional resources? I would like to learn more about it. Thank you.
Alan, this was very helpful to me because I lost my father when I was 10. He didn't die, but my parents got divorced and I didn't see him much after that. He was an alcoholic so our bond was non existent. My early relationships were with addicts and then emotionally unavailable types. I am only now finally able to understand it. Thank you.
Did a double take when i saw the video title. Thank you!!!!!!
I'm glad you liked the video Ava. If the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins this week. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Oh my gosh. My heart breaks so much for you. I’m so sorry you had to go through this too. I WAS 14 when my dad died too. He was the most amazing FATHER EVER. SO loving, caring, emotional, fun, spiritual, strong, HE WAS MY EVERYTHING. AND I was literally his little clone. He passed away of colon cancer at age 40. HE WAS ADOPED too. From Spain. At age 3. I didn’t click on this by accident. This is all unfolding now and I just wanted to say THANK YOU. 🙏🏼😭 thank you for breaking it all down for me so I can get my self together and live like my father did. I’m so grateful for YOU. And again I’m so sorry for you fathers loss too. 💙💙💙
Empathy to you and thank you for your empathy. It is so hard to lose a parent. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad you resonated with this video. Thank you for commenting.
Thank you Allan
I have never understood why I do this for any potential relationship : holding on, investing, too eager to invest in a relationship that has not ever
Developed and this high tolerance for absence, I would like to do all the work to heal my attachment trauma whic I believe existed at a very early age and every stage, as I repeatedly sabotage any potential relationship.
I also married a man who could not connect emotionally and I could not understand why. We had a brilliant wonderful son. Sadly I don’t think I was present and emotionally available due to my depression and self absorbed distraction.. I always felt wrong and limping mentally
This video in particular has raised my awareness of why I do this with any potential romantic interest.
( we divorced when my son was 2 and I raised my son with an absent father
Annette - just seeing this post from 9 months ago and I identify with your story. Did you ever do the work? Any advice for me as I am just beginning my journey. Thanks, Sherri
Thank you you've helped me realize some of the feelings I've been having recently
You are welcome Jacob. You might be interested in my free Healthy Relating Checklist. You can get it here alanrobarge.com/checklist
I lost my mother at the age of 15 and my fiance lost both his parents at the age of 25 (one week apart). It's been really rough to figure out our problems together and trying to figure out how to be together without trauma bonding. Your video was great... thanks!
ty again Alan it wasnt just losing my dad but my mom naturally fell into depression for a while so it def had an impact
Empathy goes out to you. I hear you about the impact. Wishing you self-gentleness.
thank you so much for sharing
Thank you for sharing this video! It's really insightful. My boyfriend lost his dad at age 15 unexpectedly. He also didn't have a strong emotional attachment to his dad and I was curious about how it would effect our relationship now. I can see more clearly now.
Kaitlin Riedl I’m here for the same reason
I lost my father when I was 3. Our family had just emigrated to the USA from cuba when he died suddenly at age 39. I’ve been healing this wound with therapy for a very long time. And read many books on fatherless daughters and child development There’s always something more to learn. You’ve just added another piece. Thank you.
Glad this was helpful in your healing process Madame X
My Mother suddenly passed away when I was just 7 years of age.. At the same time it made me grow up and mature sooner than the average 7year old would, It also put me in positions that sometimes unfortunately made me experience things that were WELL beyond what would be considered the norm of appropriation for the reality of a child so young. Thus leading me down a path of self destructive behaviors, including the curiosity to understand the answer to why.. as to why that it was that made it seem my mother chose drugs over her children.. I now understand from first hand experience that that was not the case at all, but that she was sick...with addiction, and it took her life. And so After many years of struggling myself.. I now understand..and with 5 years clean..I miss her more and more every day, but most importantly I have gained the innerstanding that it wasn't my fault.. nor do I see it as her fault.. as i know now that addiction is a disease which has brought me a deep sense of peace and forgiveness.
I lost my mom one month before my 11th birthday… I’m 25 now. I have never heard anyone describe what’s going on inside of me so accurately. This encouraged me to go back to therapy (haven’t been since she died). Thank you.
I'm sorry you lost your mom. Your story brings up empathy. Glad this content is helpful. Thanks for valuing my work.
I lost my mum when I was 6yrs old and yesterday was 38yrs since she passed. I didnt cry yday but today I've been bawling!! The trauma still finds it way through😭😭
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Amen. I have felt comforted knowing God's had has remained powerful in my life.
Empathy to you. I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is so hard. Thanks for commenting.
Your video helped me SO MUCH. Thank you, so much
Glad it brings benefit.
I lost my mom 10 years ago when I was 17 but was attached to her more than my dad. I was aware of the possibility of death and accepted it at an early age. It was difficult and hard to open up after she passed. Now I’m 27 and still learning about myself. I have a problem of always trying to make everything better for the people I interact with and get attached to the people who I can relate with.
My father just died and I am an adult but his mother was killed in a wreck when he was almost 14 and it clearly had a major impact on how he related to my mother. This presentation has helped me make sense of their dysfunctional relationship and the lack of connection he tolerated (she didn’t). He never got over her, despite being divorced over 20 years.
Deep empathy to you and your family. I am sorry your dad died.
I keep coming back to this video because you're one of the few resources I've found that talks about this subject.. There doesn't seem to be a lot of information out there on the impact of losing a parent as a child, which makes sense - I remember reading the stat that 5% of people lose a parent before they turn 18, so we're in the minority. I've always felt separate from my peers because of it. Thank you for helping me feel understood.
Glad this is helpful. And I hear you. It's so important to have a space to talk about this. Thank you for valuing my work.
Also, this topic comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It includes talking about all types of relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for sharing. Helping Me to u defat and some things.
My dad died, suddenly, by accident, at age 14. Wild. Thank you for sharing and teaching.
My mother suddenly died when I was 10. I could understand it and accept it but where I feel I got stuck and continue to be stuck is, the support and structure she provided in my life was never reconstructed. Suddenly it was revealed that my grandparents and aunts and uncle had always hated her and wanted me to accept that she was a bad person,which made me very defensive of her and made me lose them as family. And that my dad, while good for having open dialogue about my feelings with was incapable of uninterested in providing for my physical needs like healthcare and food, etc. And that my only sibling wouldn't share feelings on any of these subjects with me. it led to the feeling that no one is actually really here for me and it was a feeling proven true in ways even my worst anxiety wasn't prepared for.
What I don't understand is, what's the end game here? I understand these feelings...I know why I am who I am. What I don't know is how to not feel so much pain about it when focusing on it?
Julia Angelina, Thank you for valuing my videos. I’m glad this one resonates with you. The solution to healing attachment injuries is to do our healing work. There is not a simple, quick-fix answer. Emotional, Relational, Developmental Healing Work is dynamic and has many chapters depending on our individual needs.
The areas of focus I suggest are exploring Attachment Trauma, Emotional Attunement, Family Patterns, Boundaries and Sense of Self, Shame and Self-Worth, Longing and Loneliness, Reality Distortion, Grieving and Grieving Skills.
These are the areas that inform the design of the membership community I created, Improve Your Relationships.
You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating.
The kind of question you asked here is the type of question we explore in the community.
Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you. Just thank you.
Been having mental breakdowns lately. I lost my dad at 11. This video helps clarify many things that I need to work on so thank you :)
I'm glad that I'm not the only one :)
Deep empathy to you. I'm sorry you are struggling with the breakdowns. Oftentimes our losses will resurface especially during these challenging times, which inevitably trigger our attachment distress and trauma history.
Many of our emotional states-of-mind are linked to or impacted by past trauma. This is often referred to as emotional flashbacks. Then, we find ourselves responding to these emotional triggers in predictable ways. I realized I needed to create a course to explain this further.
You might be interested in taking the quiz about The Four Attachment Distress Responses: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Hi Alan,
Having ost my mother at 8 and came to this video looking for grief in acknowledgement of how to process through the absent loss of the relationship I already cognisant had known I am/have yet to grieve in terms of her death. BUT only a few minutes in it clicked that I had lost my father at aged 14 just like yourself... this almost exemplifies how I am unable to focus on that whole trauma, which was arguably much more traumatic than her passing a few years earlier. Just for some personal background, she passed from breast cancer, not super suddenly when I was 8. 6 Years later my father committed suicide after rapidly becoming emotionally and physically abusive - a Jekyll and hyde good dad / bad dad scenario.
Either way that video was enlightening and a total exhale for me! Clearly lots more work to do on this but thankful at 23 I'm beginning to start on the healing of being an orphan and research into the Erikson stages of childhood development as you suggested, great advice btw. Just wondering if you could make a separate video on losing both parents or if the same advice still applies? Or if you think there are any other variations? It would be of great benefit to my healing on this long and potentially arduous - yet I'm sure rather enlightening, journey!
Love from London and thanks again,
Josephine Jones x
Dear Josephine, I am glad to receive your message about how this video spoke to you. I am sorry for the early loss of both your parents. We explore the "how" in terms of how to heal from these kinds of early wounds in the online membership community I created. The solution to healing attachment injuries is to do our healing work. As you already know, there is not a simple, quick-fix answer. Emotional, Relational, Developmental Healing Work is dynamic and has many chapters depending on our individual needs.
The areas of focus I suggest are exploring Attachment Trauma, Emotional Attunement, Family Patterns, Boundaries and Sense of Self, Shame and Self-Worth, Longing and Loneliness, Reality Distortion, Grieving and Grieving Skills.
These are the areas that inform the design of the membership community I created, Improve Your Relationships.
Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful.
You are invited to join other like-minded learners, some of whom have similar histories as you, who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating.
The kind of question you asked here, "How do I do this healing?" is the type of question we explore in the community.
Please consider joining us in the conversation. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Great video.i lost my mom at 9years of age, in 1992.im 38 now.and I so sick of being depressed. Thank you for this Video..
I am sorry these things happened to you, Alan. I've been there too. And you are absolutely right. There is profound loss, especially if you haven't had opportunity to be close. No going to graduation. No meeting my boyfriend. No teaching me to drive. No giving me away at my wedding. No seeing his grandkids. Also, there are a lot of other things going on then beside just losing an unknown parent. There's so many questions, like what's going to happen? Your other parent is grieving. And what happens now? Do we have enough money? Do we have to move? Will we still live in the same area? Will my other parent date? I could go on.
Thanks for this video, it is hard to get information from people, often we or I at least - lost dad at 11, get mistaken for playing victim, when alot of it is realy hard to control - families that are triggers are basicaly all around… thanks again ;)
I'm sorry for your loss. Empathy to you. That is hard especially at 11. Glad this is helpful.
Family relationships is a topic in the Improve Your Relationships Community. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you really thank you 🙏
I was a very happy child till I was 4. My father died at that age suddenly in a car accident. I knew exactly what happened and I was devastated. I was young but my father and I had a very close relationship. I was daddy's little girl. My mother would tell me I was the apple of his eye . I still remember the emotional bond.I hid my grief and new even that young to hide it. I hid myself essentially yet any moment could explode with emotion . I believed he would come back one day - I told my mother he was in my pocket . I was always waiting for his return until I realized he was gone. I was so emotional yet hid the grief and as a result it got in the way of me expressing my needs.
The original sunlight I experienced as a child was put on hold till now. As you say shut down - this is so true. Letting go for me now is very difficult. The unrequited love dynamic is something I've done with any romantic partner who has had to leave when it was not up to me.
Now I am healing the deep affect of this soul wound. Fear of abandonment is a challenge for me. Yet I have attracted a previous partner who has suddenly abandoned me more than once . His attachment style is not to hold on but to suddenly cut his partner off. I guess subconsciously I attracted him to work out a part of the abandonment I experienced so young .
Thank you for this video. It's very important !!
Sunflowershowers how do you remember your feelings when your dad died? I was one year older than you when my mother died in a car accident and although I remember exactly the moment I was told about it, her in the funeral etc, it's like all emotional reaction has disappeared from my memory since then. Did your mother talk to you about your dad after his death?
Thank you Alan. My father died when I was 14. We were very close. As a 37 year old woman now, I still grapple with the emotional pain that keeps coming back no matter how much progress I make…..
Empathy to you for your loss. Learning about grieving skills with others who are also learning can be helpful for many people. Grief is one of the topics we discuss in the online community, Improve Your Relationships. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community. Please consider joining us www.alanrobarge.com/community
My daughter just recently died by suicide and I'm now raising my 11 year old grandson. These videos help me to gain a better perspective of his grief and how to support him best. Its all so shattering and tragic.
watching this video to understand my partner’s past experiences better. even though I was growing up with absent father, still this one is entirely different and more difficult situation, obviously I wasn’t able to fully grasp it’s life long impact. thanks!
Thank you for the meaningful comment. Empathy to you and your partner.
helpful thank you.
I lost my Dad at 2yo, I feel very cheated. No one talked about him, it's like he didn't exist, I'm the youngest of five and I have yearned for my daddy all my life. My eldest sister seems to loath my father's family, I didn't get a chance to know them, but any time I do anything wrong, it's my father's side of the families traits that are blamed, that hurts so much, I have Autism, life has been very difficult, my mother is very manipulative, and I've grown up feeling like an outsider, I'm even called the after thought, in jest they claim. But I've internalized it, I have never felt wanted. Maybe my daddy would have loved me. I'm 47 and a mother of three, I don't want my son's to ever feel like I do. I had to create a family that wanted me.
I lost my mother at 14 im now 18, I was very close to my mother she was my go to when I needed someone to talk to , as mother should be. when I lost that I felt like I lost everything. my father was never there for me emotionally in fact he was the opposite, he made that whole grieving process alot harder for me especially knowing that my mother was the only person I felt comfortable talking about these things to. I have a hard time understanding these experiences as its very unique and not something the average 14 year old goes through. I hope i can heal properly and wish healing on those who have experienced a loss in their life and are still healing/learning from it.
Empathy to you. Often times losing a parent results in other family members and areas of life changing as well. Secondary losses are can be challenging to navigate. Good for you for reaching out and looking for helpful resources. We can never have enough conversations about grieving skills. Thanks for responding.