surprise, I'm pregnant! r/AITA 1 800 Drama Podcast
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- Опубліковано 29 вер 2024
- Welcome to the sixth episode of 1 800 Drama! In this episode, Shaaba and Jamie explore a surprise pregnancy announcement, tensions between sisters, health scares, and gifts from MIL 👀 grab a cuppa, let's go fishing!
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Be kind and have a great day (: - Розваги
hey peaches! responding to a few things:
Firstly: omg the mugs HAHAHAHA, we too have a lot of mugs, we do not hate mugs, we are mug allies, wow this comment section is passionate about mugs 😂
Secondly: seeing a few comments about the difference between baby announcements and baby showers! Thanks for the learning moment, I didn't know the difference between them and it's not something I'm culturally used to. However, that still doesn't change anything about the verdict to me. OP was trying to make it sound like she didn't celebrate her pregnancy, when she did, AND she didn't invite her sister when she absolutely could have. Seeing the woods from the trees: the label for the event is irrelevant, the fact an event happened without the sister is what's important here 🍑✨
When I found out I was pregnant I told a coworker who was struggling with pregnancy first and in private before telling other coworkers - she appreciated the sentiment .
When I was having a hard time getting pregnant, my cousin sent me a private message to let me know she was pregnant and going to announce it to the family, soon, so I could process, and possibly avoid the online announcement if I needed to. I appreciated that gesture so much.
A baby shower isn't a pregnancy announcement. It's a party, usually near the end of the pregnancy, with baby gifts and games.
Yes! That was driving me nuts! She missed out on a great party with hundreds of dollars worth of gifts.
Agreed. A lunch announcement is not a shower.
Right, the point is that baby stuff is expensive, so your friends and family help you out by buying some of it for you. I hope some people gave her gifts anyway, but by not having an actual shower she missed out on some valuable help.
Yeah a dinner is not equivalent to a shower. That frustrated me.
@ville__ huh?
Shaaba keeps saying that OP had a baby shower anyway. She did not. She had a lunch and announced she was pregnant. A pregnancy announcement is NOT a baby shower. A baby shower is where people already know of the pregnancy and bring presents for the expected baby. There maybe clothes, crib sets, bottles, diapers, toys, books. Things needed for the first year of the baby's life such as subscriptions to a formula delivery service or programs. A pregnancy announcement is nothing like a baby shower.
I got so annoyed! And it felt like she was kinda judging her for it too
No but she had a CELEBRATION. Which is in the same vein as a baby shower. Going out for a meal to announce it is still a celebration. She could have let people know in many other ways. It was obvious what Shaaba was getting at. She was acting like she wasn't celebrating etc but she literally did.
I worked at a restaurant once and a lady wanted an entirely new batch of buffalo chicken wings because she said one of the chicken wings she got was too small, even though it was clearly a whole wing piece, not one that had accidentally been chopped in half or anything. She had already eaten half of the wings, and didn't want them to take her plate and make her a new one, no, she wanted to keep that plate and get a whole extra plate on top of that for free. The owner tried to explain that since chickens are birds they're individual animals and therefore, may not all he exactly the same size. She acted like she didn't get that. He also offered to make her one new wing, but refused to make her a whole extra plate of wings for free.
The first one is a bit tricky, because the MIL might get offended. But I agree, she needs to be told. College fund is a nice idea, or they can ask for gift cards, or coffee, or nappies, or whatever else is actually needed, saying "we don't have enough walls for all those paintings, but little baby Munchkin could use some XXX hygenic product". Play it as a need, use the child, turn it all around if you can't be honest. If MIL brings wrong kind of nappies or food product donate it, use one, make a picture and done. They are 12 hours away, no risk of a random check.
Hooo boy that pregnancy thing was _not_ handled well. Like, of course the sister is also The Drama for how she reacted, but stuff like that you really have to handle carefully.
Two examples from my life:
1) Not as bad as miscarrying but I was left by my fiancé shortly before the wedding a few years ago and it took me several years to heal from that. Time during which some of my friends and acquaintances got married. I can't claim to have been a saint, always reacting with a joyful, sincere "I'm so happy for you" - hearing of someone's engagement was invariably painful and came with feelings of sadness and bitterness and envy (it didn't help that I'd been set to be the first of my friends to get married; something that hadn't really mattered before my ex-partner broke off our engagement but that suddenly hurt after the fact) - but it was always important to me to sincerely wish them well and I always managed that. It helped that the couples in question handled it very tactfully; telling me well in advance so that I had time to get used to the thought, and expressed to me that they fully understood that my feelings about it were complex. It would have been much worse to learn of it shortly before the wedding by someone waving their ring in my face.
2) More traumatically, a close friend of my parents', who's a couple of years younger than my Mum is, had difficulty conceiving. My Mum had me in her mid-late twenties and then, when I was 13 and my mother 41, she had my sister. By that time, my parents' friend and her husband had tried for children for many years, unsuccessfully, and although she was still in her late 30s, she felt an increasing amount of pressure and desperation. When my Mum got pregnant with my sister, my parents hosted an intimate dinner for their close friends to announce and celebrate the pregnancy. They did not invite that friend, but rather, my Mum met up with her for afternoon coffee a few days prior, so that she could tell the friend in a more private setting with not as many eyes on her, to talk, and so the friend could work through the disappointment in her own time. I think they handled it well and sensitively. (The story has a happy ending; the friend became pregnant with her first child a few months after my sister was born, and ended up having a second child a few years later too.)
Oh sweet, sweet Thor, "upstage" because she got pregnant first? You can't actually chose which shot will work, and people have right to live their lives regardless of their family members trauma. If the sister lost her husband would OP be required to hide her own? Like not taking him to family meetings and never talking about him, because her sister is a widow? Sure, OP should have told her sister sooner, In private, and roll with whatever outcome. But her sisters reaction is very telling, and I understand why she didn't.
Jamie: Who owns 12 mugs?!
Shaaba: Who wants 12 mugs?!
Me: ... *Sweats nervously as I think about my cupboard of 20+ mugs*
Right? I feel seriously called out
Entirely too many mugs
You need different mugs for different days. There are emotional support mugs, ones that remind us of loved ones, a special mug for that one friend that comes over, the really cute ones with the thumb holes that you really did need four of... There's no such thing as too many mugs.
I have mugs for tea, mugs for soup, mugs for hot chocolate, mugs to make those microwave cake in a cup things. I have mugs to commemorate a specific event, several actually, mugs that are character shaped, mugs that were hand decorated with me in mind, mugs that I use & mugs that I don’t use.
Oddly enough I have an excessive amount of glasses/glassware. Some for the bottom pattern to stamp into cookies or pie crusts. Some to drink from, some to celebrate a movie release, some are used for crushing crackers to make breading or pie crust with. & salt/pepper shakers that are shaped like things. But those are on the curio not in the cupboards. Still it is awkward to think about how much stuff that is just stuff I have.
Not for nothing but I think someone needs to explain baby showers to Shaaba before they get pregnant 😂 it’s not when you ask ten people to go out for a meal and then make an announcement; it’s a whole thing where you announce it ahead of time and everyone brings stuff for the baby/mom, and you play games and usually have like, party foods & maybe some fun mocktails or whatnot lol
Lol, came here to say this!
I'm 17 weeks along and my friend is planning mine for when I'm around 34 weeks. We have to book stuff and send out invites etc, but my announcement was done at 12 weeks by phone. I am also not sure if baby showers are common in the UK.
They're also kind of predicated on the fact that your pregnancy has already been announced.
@@bboops23even if they're not common in the UK (I'm German and I don't think they're a thing here either), but unless you boycott any media coming out of Hollywood, they're kind of inescapable in movies/series, aren't they? Like to me they're such a familiar concept just because of how much I've seen them on there during the course of my life.
@ville__ why did you copy my comment?
So, its completely besides the point, but I personally wouldn't consider the lunch where the lady announced her pregnancy to be a 'baby shower'. Assumeing OP is in the US, a baby shower here is very much a party, with cake and presents, and games. To say the lunch and a baby shower are the same thing would be to say a dinner where a couple anounce their engagement to close friends and family is the same as bridal shower.
I'm in the uk, and baby showers are not really traditional here, so not everyone has one. So I understand if Shaaba and Jamie don't really know what they are. I have only been invited to one myself (despite lots of my friends and family having babies), but it was very similar to what you described. Definitely a planned event with gifts, decorations, games and so on, not at all similar to announcing a pregnancy over lunch. In fact, the whole point of a baby shower is to bring gifts for the baby, so everyone HAS to know about the pregnancy in advance. An event at which the pregnancy is announced couldn't possibly be called a baby shower!
(Comparing it to a bridal shower might not help Shaaba and Jamie understand though, as we don't have bridal showers at all here in the UK.)
@@pcatma Ah, shoot! I was worried that might be the case when I went to make the comparison, but I wasn't sure. The only thing I knew for sure the UK had were Stag and Hen parties (comparableto bachelorand bachelorette parties, as I understand), but I couldn't really figure out a way to make those work in the analogy.
Regardless, thank you for the clarification and adding to the notable differences!
@@pcatma That's really interesting. In the U.S., baby showers are a really big deal. I think it's because having a baby is so expensive here, it's considered a way for those who care about the couple and have the means to help can get things for the baby that the parents might not be able to afford all on their own. Idk about higher class baby showers because I'm decidedly not that, but generally a couple of people will pitch together to get the really expensive items and everyone else will bring things like onesies, diapers in various sizes, clothes in various sizes, gift cards for formula, stuff like that. Sometimes toys as well, but that hasn't been the focus at the baby showers I've been to.
As a pregnancy loss mom, I have to weigh in. I had multiple early miscarriages, a cervical ectopic, a missed miscarriage and my first child died shortly after premature birth (just to be clear on where I'm coming from). One of the things that was so hard after losing our first child was how incredibly lonely it was. I had any number of friendships fade away as people moved on with their lives and had kids and didn't know how not to be awkward - and it was not necessary. There were some people that it was hard to hear about, definitely, especially as it took two years from losing our son to get pregnant with our daughter. I might feel some things I needed to work through but I never was unhappy or reacted badly to a pregnancy announcement - I always cheerfully wished people well, inquired about their plans and if I felt sadness or bitterness, that was reserved for appropriate times and places. But lots of people assumed it would be upsetting for me, or more honestly - felt very awkward themselves and didn't want the spectre of loss around them. I was a walking reminder that things can and do go wrong. There were inevitably people who just kinda ghosted and I'd hear later they were pregnant. That assumption hurt, particularly when I never acted unhappy or awkwardly or with anything but joy (it might have been warranted if I'd behaved poorly at some point in there). It was a very lonely existence.
When you are close friends or family, where you are not just disappearing - that is harder. But do people the courtesy of not deciding for them. Tell them when you would normally tell people. Be positive and compassionate and give space if it's needed. But not telling for so long - while telling others! - is infantalizing and that would hurt me so much more than the news of the pregnancy.
That having been said, the sister's reaction is bizarre. So I agree that everyone sucks here.
You are spot on with other peoples reactions. I think a huge part of OP (and their parents) putting off telling her sister for too long because of her own feelings around her sisters experiences.
Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm so sorry about the bad things happening and your friends reactions. I had a similar reaction when a friend had a traumatic experience, and I thought I was not close enough to her to be there for her. I was thinking that she wanted her "real close friends" and not me who was "just a casual friend", and I would be a bother and disturbance if I where to even contact her. Over a decade later realizing that I was doing it all wrong, and I was def the asshat who ghosted my friend in one of the worst times of her life. I think knowing and understanding that loneliness you talk about and what a burden it is to place the responsibilty to reach out on the individual dealing with the trauma is so important.
Big hug - feel your pain and how you say you feel a reminder of how things can go wrong. People sooo assume pregnancys never go astray, had a stillborn twin years ago - truly people seem to have no idea how to deal with death.
Re: rejecting gifts... I had a coworker who was an extreme couponer. She would donate most of the food she couponed, but would also get a bunch of food items nearly free, bring them to work, and leave them on everyone's desks. I however have multiple food allergies and am vegan, so I could rarely eat the food items. My partner is also allergic to dairy and is vegan. So every time, these gifts turned into chores for me to find a new home for the food gifts. So one day I politely explained that it was very sweet of her to share the wealth, but that neither me or my partner could eat the food, and it would be better shared elsewhere. But she outright refused to stop giving me stuff, saying it's fine, I could just take it. I feel like sometimes gift givers do the giving more to make themselves feel good than to express caringf for the reciever. In those cases, I feel a polite conversation to explain why that's unhelpful is valid, especially if it is happening frequently
That’s crazy! You couldn’t eat some of the foods even if you wanted to! That’s a very rude gift giver. I can’t imagine being that rude. They could give your food to the food bank, but instead insist on making you deal with it
Gift=chore
THIS! 💯🎯
For the story about the girlfriend, boyfriend, and the lump, I say NTA. My reasons are some people have hard no’s and if that is one, ok, that’s fine. Also, she didn’t say that she is breaking up with him. She said they need to talk about still staying in the relationship. Which to me sounds like a time when you talk about hard boundaries, so NTA in my opinion
Exactly 👀 Op is entitled to her feelings. And she was willing to have a discussion. Sometimes, it can be important to take more time to read with comprehension before making judgments. Especially calling a person afraid for her health and potential death, the drama 🤷♀️
Literally! Been digging through comments to see if anyone else was thinking this. I was starting to feel out of my mind thinking I was the only person who felt “have a talk and reconsider being in a relationship” wasn’t a hard “we’re breaking up” but more of a “we need to talk about what happened, and if we can’t come to an agreement it might be best for us to not see each other anymore”. Maybe OP’s bf is processing it as a “we’re breaking up” and that’s why he’s reacting that way, but I do think that that’s a little red flag-y. Anyway, definitely big agree on OP being NTD.
I agree!! This was so triggering it sounds like something my abusive ex would have said 💀💀💀 like alarm bells went off in my head lol
Yeah, I thought there was quite a bit of context that they ignored in order to give the BF the benefit of the doubt.
I think it's almost always a bit of a relationship red flag for someone who disregards others feelings with statements like "I'm only joking" or "You're overreacting". He should have just apologized right away when she came back. She is right to want to discuss if this is something they can work through or if they should end it.
I have helped a couple of friends in similar situations and they were always terrified, distressed and anxious. I'm Ace and I can't imagine being horny in such a vulnerable moment, but if you are trying to bring some levity to the situation and the other person gets upset: you realize I just messed up. I didn't give them the help they needed at this time. I made things worse for someone I care about, who thinks they might have cancer. I need to apologize and listen to them.
Yup, and I think it's alright for her to expect him to have this serious talk. Still, I feel a bit sad for the guy who didn't use his brain for a moment, said something stupid and now is getting all kinds of hate in the comments based on just this one line he said, plus being in a place where it's hard for him to explain himself because his girlfriend went to her mom's instead of talking things out like an adult. And yes, I think it's him who should apologize and that it is his fault that he upset OP, but also it must suck to end up in such a mess of people spitting fire at you because of one small regard you didn't think through well enough.
The fact that two British people are asking 'who owns 12 mugs?'
I'm now fairly certain you two are inposters and I can't be convinced otherwise.
Think they're The Doctor, and Romana?
This isn't even brittish specific. I feel like anyone who regularly enjoys hot beverages should have a lot of mugs. Tea, coffee, cocoa, soup sometimes. Mugs are important!
12 mugs at one time takes a lot of space. I didn't get new ones bc we ran out of space lol about 6 maybe.
Lol American cafe drinkers tend to own more mugs than tea drinkers.Part of it.Cause it's hates more effort to wash a coffee mug. Also because of the relationship of morning coffee to dishes. Saki has the order of the number of people that come to dinner sometimes and coffee has 1 fore every day of the week for each coffee drinker and the family.
So close to getting out of my comfy warm bed rn to go to the kitchen and count my feckin' mugs cause this is doing stuff to my head. How many gd mugs do I own?????
I think a 32 year old man should know better than to make such a child-ish remark when his partner is worried about a potential cancerous lump. There's a lot of tension with certain behaviors that so many men get away with in our society that I personally can see why she wouldn't want to put up with him in a time she felt she tried to trust him in a scary moment.
I also became confused about the insinuation that people can’t remember many things at once. I remember a great deal of things, and even though I’m single, I feel like your partner’s family’s history with cancer should be something you remember. Even if he somehow forgot that, he should know what a lump in a breast could potentially be, and he should’ve taken it seriously from the start.
Re Third story:
1) OP said she was worried because she found a lump in her breast. Even without a history of breast cancer, that is concerning. BF is 32 - so by that age he should have been aware of that. So the fact that he had already been told about her family history should have made him aware that this was serious.
2) After his comment, OP says she then "got her things and left". Assuming that means more than picking up her purse and walking out the door, then it must have taken at least a minute or two. What was he doing during that time? Was he apologizing? Was he says "What?!" like he did nothing wrong?
3) When OP came back she said they needed to TALK and reconsider the relationship. ie: She did not say she was breaking up with him but that they needed to talk about it.
4) He then claims she is overreacting and overthinking what he said.
I do not see any issue with her feeling the need for a conversation over this. And it is not unreasonable to have some thoughts/concerns about the relationship. After all, her higher risk of breast cancer has just been brought home to her with a bang and she will be thinking about what that means for her future. Even without his stupid comment, she would be wondering how her BF would deal with the potential ramification.
In that light, his "overreacting and overthinking" comment makes me think that she is right to be concerned.
I agree. Also it's hard to imagine someone feeling anything other than stress when there is a sign of something that does have a chance of being cancer, which is a serious thing, you'd think other people around you would get that to a point when being told
I really agree with you
I think it's likely not the first time he has failed to take ger feelings into consideration
would you wear a maternity tutu?? 🩰✨
(ps laughing at how many of you gorgeous peaches thought this was a pregnancy announcement hahaha, not just yet!) x
Pretty sure you would be slightly more delicate with that kind of announcement. And incredibly cute.
@@sweariefaerie9621I agree they would come out with an awesome announcement but can just imagine that jointly or individually they could release reactions to baby related content or pregnancy/baby/entitled parent am I the drama episode that were prerecorded videos before the announcement. Most likely unintentionally but still a funny coincidence we think was done intentionally.
Never not ever. It helps i am now in menopause so not happening.
Hey Shaaba! One note 😅 a baby shower is when you hold a party after the pregnancy has been revealed, where the pregnancy is celebrated, and people give maternity gifts and baby gifts like clothes, a baby carrier, etc. A small lunch would be a modest pregnancy announcement, not a baby shower.
@@ashley9639 for some. Not every baby shower is the same
btw, a baby shower is usually when family and friends get together and all bring gifts for the baby etc. They usually all know about the baby at that point then the shower is to bring gifts to welcome the baby into the world. A small dinner where you are TELLING people about the baby sounds much different than an actual baby shower so you know. i disagree that she 'did have a baby shower'
full quote!! "Honesty without compassion is cruelty. Kindness without honesty is manipulation.”
Goes pretty hard but I will say that honesty without compassion is more neutral than always cruel. The truth doesn’t need to be kind it just needs to be the truth.
@@Lucifersfursonabut one can tell the truth without being cruel or one can tell the truth with kindness
Prawn screaming for cuddles sounds almost like he's screaming "Mama!" Like a posh lil french cat. Hes so adorable and im glad hes doing better
no lie, one of my cats developed the habit of screaming "MAMA" at me from hearing my son for years growing up.... When he really wants my attention and I haven't responded he will address me directly. Was super creepy when he first started doing it, nothing like knowing you don't have a baby in the house and hearing something in the dark go "MAAAMAAAAA" lmfao. At this point I just roll my eyes at him
@@hexonyou Oh! Creepy cat sounds! My older sister once woke in the middle of the night to a strange voice going "Hhhhhheeeeelp me. Hhhheeeeeeeeeelp me." She woke up her husband, and he went out the living room to find the source: their cat was staring down a neighborhood feral, eyes locked, making this ungodly yowl. He agreed that it really did sound like "Help me" though. The cat was a funny lil guy. Never made that particular sound again either, he just had to scare them to death that one time.
@ville__ just wondering why are you copy-pasting comments? 😊
@@Jadeontwowheels It's a
Bothersome &
Odd
Tr0ll
Every account that is called
v i l l e (with or without trailing underscores)
that I have observed during the last two years or so has been a nuisance.
Typically they keep trying to cause havoc in QUILTBAG+ spaces, going by what I have noticed.
@@Jadeontwowheels ville_ is a transphobic troll. They've made numerous accounts to troll trans and trans supportive creators.
0:05 "With my husband, thirty-year-old baby..." I think we heard about those in Jamie's last video.
Maybe it's partly due to me being ace, but that last one gives me major ick. I mean, OP did point out that there was something there, so the connotation would be obvious, even without a family history of cancer, and for the partner to THEN turn that into something horny, objectifying her, that's just major URGH. I'd have thrown him out.
Agree totally. Very inappropriate. He'd have to be an idiot not to know how worried she was.
It might be an American thing, but to me a lunch out to announce a pregnancy does not count as a baby shower. When I think baby shower I think renting out an event hall, prizes, games, and literally all the gifts that the baby will ever need. Every baby shower I've attended is like a extravagant birthday party.. but before the birth.
Yeah. A baby shower comes AFTER the announcement.
Not an American thing lol she might've gotten confused and/or misspoke
never heard of someone renting out an event hall for a baby shower, people usually just have it at someones house
@@piarateking8094 Depends how big the family. I have been to ones in like church centers before. Not like big expensive halls or anything, but not everyone has access to a house with enough room for some 50 odd some people.
@@piarateking8094 I have been to ones where the couple rented out some type of community center or hall before
I understand why people find it hurtful if someone doesn't like their gift, although as an autistic person it took me a while to learn when it's better to just accept the gift even if it's useless to me. One Christmas both me and my sister got some small gifts that we had no use for but we both liked what the other got, so we swapped. I found it confusing that my mum was upset about us swapping the gifts because she had put thought into getting them for each of us specifically. I thought it would be more sad if we both kept our original gifts and they went unused.
So yeah, it's hard to find the balance between emotions and pragmatism in gift giving. Personally I'm in the camp of "Hey here's a gift but if you don't like it or need it please pass it on to someone else".
Yes! I make it so clear that people need to be honest with me and I'd be fine if they didn't like whatever, but it still always ends in the other people getting mad saying I should have gotten the hint 🙃🙃🙃
Yes! Also autistic, and I’ve always been very honest about my reactions to gifts. I try to do it kindly, but if I say “I love this gift” when I don’t, then I feel like I am lying and will hurt the relationship in the long run. Ironically, the better I know someone, the harder it is for me to lie about my feelings to them. I’ll be nice to an acquaintance who gives me a gift I don’t want, but if it’s my mom I will give her a hug and then ask for the gift receipt 😂
@@thecolorjune i feel like that's how it should be. I gave my sister a sweater i had knitted because it was too scratchy for me to wear, i had forgotten that i have a thing with knit sweaters. She had the same problem, so she gave it back and now i might find someone else to give it to at some point. It would be a pity to let something handmade go to waste. I feel like people in general are more likely to feel comfortable being honest with people they're close with. At least i couldn't give something handmade back to someone who i'm not close with, i would feel pressured into pretending to like it. And i would be less motivated to care about the effort that went into it.
Autistic; it feels ruder to lie to people bc then they get gifts tailored to the mask I put up and while it can feel safer sometimes to have that layer of separation it also Kinda makes me resentful of people and potentially them of me when they find out I was just lying so they’d leave me alone, so I find it personally better not to bother. I have a hard time sticking to gift schedules but few things make me happier than finding something a friend of mine would like in the wild and giving it to them the next time we hang out with zero expectations of anything in return. My friend and I had a great conversation about this a while back and both shared some stuff about how the social/relationship expectations of gifts make us uncomfortable in different ways. The definition of what is a gift vs what is a bribe for an expected outcome is something we’d both struggled a lot with, and with people each getting us things with the expectation of controlling our behavior afterwards; I learned to dissociate the object/experience completely from the gift giver and he learned to just not accept gifts at all. We worked out ways to just give each other spontaneous things and clarified our intentions beforehand in that conversation, and it’s really nice to know that any gift from the other is just “I know you told me you like this shape or this object or this theme, and I found a this, and I’m giving it to you because you make me happy and your happiness makes me happy too. If I was wrong about you wanting this thing, that’s fine, I’ll do something else with it or keep it. If you don’t react the way I wanted you to, that’s fine, because you don’t owe me any specific reaction, that’s not why I gave you thing.” We give each other like, drawings and rocks, sometimes clothes. I’ve said the best gift any of my friends can give me is being able to spend time with them and show them I also love them in my own ways; sometimes my own ways is “you need this cool rock.”
I’m also autistic, and I have trouble showing gratitude, and especially faking gratitude. Luckily, my family (and this mostly concerns my mother as dad and my siblings don’t give me these types of gifts) has learnt that I handle clothes poorly. I don’t like clothes shopping, and I rarely like the clothes people buy for me. Thus, mom asks whether I like the clothes I’ve been gifted (usually around Christmas) and whether I want to keep them or not. It has really helped me with these types of gifts.
I hate to say it, but you two are the Drama for the cancer scare story verdict. Some people have a firm line they don't want crossed in a relationship and it sounds like for OP she doesn't want her boyfriend sexualizing a cancer scare. Asking a partner to help you with a serious health concern takes a lot of trust, and OP's trust was betrayed. I don't blame her in the slightest for needing to have a serious talk or rethinking the relationship because if the relationship was going to be serious and long-term, there were going to be more health concerns, and she needs to know if the partner she's with is capable of helping with those concerns without sexualizing them.
This!
I feel like Jamie and Shaaba always think of it in the context of their own (healthy) relationship and declare that breaking up over one thing is too dramatic. But it might not be a long healthy relationship where everything is going well. Maybe their partner has been toxic before in small ways and the big incident drives it home.
@@alex_blue5802
Yeah the scope of what can fit under “one thing” covers things way more serious than I feel like they deal with sometimes. One thing never exists in a vacuum.
I completely agree
Lol Op is kinder than I am, I'd have left that mf ON THE SPOT. U do NOT fck around when it comes to illnesses, esp ones that ur worried about due to family history 😒
If Op and her bf have a jokey kind of relationship, all right, but she doesn't make it sound like that's the case, so idk.....
I completely disagree with you on the last one, OP is NOT the drama. Her boyfriend made a completely inappropriate comment about her when she was in an extremely scary situation. You keep saying she shouldn't have broken up with him over this without talking first, but that is not even what she did. She told him that they needed to talk and maybe reconsider the relationship. That is good communication. And even if she had broken up with him on the spot without trying to talk first, that is her right. She is allowed to end a relationship in which she feels disrespected and unsafe during a serious and scary moment. It seems like you're caring more about the shitty boyfriend's feelings than the feelings of op, whose fears of cancer were brushed off and downplayed by someone who is supposed to care about her, just because he was horny.
Of course it's her right, but it doesn't mean it's a mature thing to do. Everyone in a relationship can opt out of it whenever they want, but there are better and worse ways to do this. And I agree, OP didn't want to break up with her bf without talking, which is a good sign. But as a person who has had some serious arguments with my family and one of my best friends, I can tell that it's almost never worth it to end a relationship over one thing. One thing can make you very upset, triggered, furious at the person...but it's simply not worth it to cut them off because of that one-time pain. Even if it's not one time and the words said are way more hurtful, people can and do work through it.
I get that OP is not ending things definitely, I get that she's still thinking it through, I just feel like I wouldn't agree with anyone's decision to break up with someone over one stupid and even potentially offensive remark. Ofc it's their choice, I just don't find it a good one and I think I can have this opinion.
@@ameliab324 I agree, I think that it's not good to do something in the heat of the moment. Staying with your parents for a few days so you can calm down and talk about it later is a healthier decision.
@@ameliab324yes; how I tend to approach these things bc I have a history of giving people too much leeway to keep being in my life after they harm me is that if the second, third conversations go like the first one did in either tone (can’t discuss anything) or bc one or both of your actual feelings after having time to reflect are just incompatible regardless of tone, it’s okay to go even if it hurts and there were other things about the relationship you or they liked. Holding yourself to your own standards around people you love/want to keep loving is really difficult and painful most of the time. I’ll update when I’ve heard the actual story if I feel differently after that.
Finding your own boundaries for what is a concerning remark and what is actively disgusting to you is something imo everyone needs to do for themselves.
For the last one I think it's super important to take her family's history into consideration. Her partner knows about it and thus should have known that the situation is serious.
I also come from a family with multiple cases of breast cancer and it's been the source of a lot of trauma. In addition to seeing loved ones suffer from cancer, I was told by every gynaecologist I ever visited that I probably have a super high risk and have to be extra careful. So everything connected to breast cancer is super serious for me and often times gives me total terror.
This is an important part of my history and who I am. My partner shouldn't rely on me telling him I'm worried in that moment or on reading my body language. They should know, because it's an all time issue. But if they didn't and react like that, we'd have a really hard time coming back from that.
Even without a family history, the reason she was feeling herself was to show him where the lump was. I don't know how someone (let alone a 32 year old) wouldn't understand that, that was a medical situation not a sexual situation
@@looc_96Exactly. There’s a time and a place, and this was neither. There is nothing sexual about this situation, and it’s a serious one at that.
I got the notification and my brain immediately went "wait, WHAT? I didn't even know you guys were trying yet, cograts!!" ...and then my brain registered the AITA, haha. Effective marketing!
It would be hard for them to get surprise pregnant 😂 for better or worse, any kids they have would NOT be accidents haha
Lol same 😂
@@thecolorjune A surprise for us doesn't mean it's a surprise for them, though.
@ville__ did you purposefully or accidentally write the exact same comment as me? Lol
@@thecolorjune It's on purpose. They're doing it to a lot of people. 🙄 Don't know if they're a bot or what.
They're completely right, but I'm sitting here with head in hands as Shaba repeatedly misunderstands what a baby shower is.
@ville__ why??
@@Jadeontwowheels Because the fact that she thought that OP had a baby shower seemed to be a big part of her verdict. From some of the other comments, I've gathered it's different in the UK than it is in the states, but here in the US baby showers are a huge deal. (I think it's because having babies here is so expensive. The hospital bills frequently cost tens of thousands of dollars so having a get together where family and friends gift what they can to help set up for the baby is vital to a lot of people.)
ABSOLUTELY INFURIATING!
Having babies isn't a competition. I mean... these babies are going to be adorable little cousins, and them being so close in age means they get to grow up together and have the opportunity to be dear friends. I love my cousins.
So I shouldn't race them?
I was kinda wondering throughout the pregnancy story if this kind of behavior was common for the sister to just blow up or be that entitled and that's why OP was avoiding telling her, or if sister has a melt down because of the shock of OP coming over and just suddenly (to her) being VERY pregnant. Either way OP should've told sister earlier but sister's reaction is also just wild and extreme.
Yeah. Perhaps prior history caused OP to be avoidant. Still an issue, but I can understand. Sister sounds like she needs grief counseling.
Can somebody link the last story or tell me OPs user name? I really want to look at the comments some more and look if OP posted an update (especially since I really disagree with Jamie and shaaba on this one) but I just can’t find it on Reddit.
i disagree so much with them, they kinda downplayed the really gross behaviour.
@@irismeeow yeah I feel like they often try to give everybody the benefit of the doubt but end up stretching/interpreting the story so far/much that the other person looks unreasonable and then blame them
@@lenat7397 I agree its a shame when it does happen. Was hoping it would be less with the two of them. I can't understand how they could excuse this one. It's crazy to think op was objectified whilst being scared about her health and life
Their username is "throwawaybreast2023". Their original post was removed on the forum, so I don't know if they had given any updates/edits on the post itself. They didn't have any comments that gave a greater insight into the situation either imo
@@aaartemisss thank you! I just looked at her comments and while they didn't give more details on the incident, I feel that one of the comments she made is very telling on their relationship dynamic and his character. Apparently he ignores her and doesn't talk to her when she doesn't consent to sex. That makes me think that people were right and that he's just seeing her as an object for his gratification. Reddit might be quick to judge and jump to divorce/breaking up but in this case that's probably for the best.
I don't get why you call OP a drama in the last story.
1/ She did say that she told her boyfriend she was scared and needed his help when he came home.
2/ She also said he knew about the family history and how it scares her.
3/ She explained that he tried looking for it and couldn't feel it and that's when she started trying to find the lump again and he said she was hot. Again, he knew they were looking for a lump and still said what he said.
If you see your partner come towards you, freaking out and saying "I'm so scared, I felt a lump. Do you mind helping me?" and your first reaction is "you're so hot". F*you, you're the asshole.
4/ And then instead of trying to understand her he blamed her and said she was overreacting.
He sucked on every single step of what happened annd showed that he wasn't here for his girlfriend in a very very scary moment.
(the situations you were describing about you two as a couple were completely different than what was happening in to OP and I think it clouded your judgment)
totally agree with you, i would definitely consider ending the relationship if i was in that situation
Agreed 1000000%
Only taking what's in the post into consideration, she was being a bit of the drama imo. She didn't tell her bf how she felt or be like "dude, I'm serious". She said nothing, left, came back and told him she wanted to break up. It's understandable that she was upset but she needed to communicate that.
Now if she did ask him to be serious, told him something like "that's not funny, I'm scared" and he didnt try to understand/care that's something else.
Also, of course, if her bf has a history of never being able to be serious, never being able to deal with difficult things, then yes I would also think it's enough and would leave.
But from the post alone, small drama.
@@CupofYetea
Her body language and tone of voice would have told him she was scared and needed his help. Combined with knowing some of her family members have suffered from breast cancer would have definitely told him she needed his support. But he wasn't listening to what she needed, he was thinking about what he 'needed'.
Personally I think it depends entirely on his reaction afterwards. If he apologized profusely then no one sucks here, just a bad situation. If he called her too sensitive or dismissed her feelings then break up is valid.
Honestly, with the third story… I’m struggling to picture how I would deal with that if I were in OP’s shoes. I have a history of multiple types of cancer in my family, I’ve seen how it can take away so much from a person, and if I were opening up to my partner about my fears and they trivialized it… What if she does get cancer? I think it’s fair for her to consider whether her boyfriend would be mature enough to provide her the support she’d need. It’s better to discuss these things now, maybe he’s operating off some “young people don’t have major health concerns yet” mentality, but that’s simply not true.
I do also think it’s fair to point out that people can use humor to get through awkward or difficult moments, but… I don’t know, maybe someone in that situation would find it funny, obviously OP does not, I think it’s reasonable to question their compatibility.
It could have been humor plausibly without the “ugh babe you’re overreacting ur so dramatic” comments.
He said that to her because he wanted her to react a certain way, and I literally cannot think of a reaction the dude wanted that wouldn’t be
- sexually gratifying to him;
- deeply sexist
If you’re trying to control another person’s reaction with something as piss poor as “no bb but ur so hot” in ur whole 30s, that’s weird and tbh cringe. She was disgusted instead of being like “omg nothing else matters now that you think I’m HOT” and that he responded that way when obviously that shit didn’t happen grosses me out too :/
My verdict on the last one completely hinges on whether he apologized or not. I did recoil when I read what he said knowing that he knows her family history of cancer, though.
"Who OWNS 12 mugs??" Girl callin' me out 😭
I own at least 2 dozen because I have 3 kids who love to break them, I break them, and my husband loses them. So, whenever I see a cheap mug, I’m getting it lol
Um, the company that made tea mugs for my husband's workplace misprinted the first 100. They are seven people in the firm - do the math...
Perfectly good mugs that will last us our lifetime, and most of the kid's lives, too, if they want them.
My grandma owns maybe 30 or 40 mugs because she's really old and over the years bought them to commemorate places she'd been and things she'd done. As a kid I always liked looking through the mug collection to find one I liked to drink out of.
I have like 20 mugs (and live by myself) but I am such a geek that I appreciate them as gift as they are so my thing. You can never have enough mugs in my humble opinion 🤣🤣🤣🤣
@@annarichter484I agree with you. This is the second British UA-camr I’ve seen talk about having too many glasses. And they have a really low number of glasses. I have not counted how many mugs we have, but I bet it is over 60.
For the third story, it sounds a lot like this might be a "straw that breaks the camel's back" situation. The boyfriend's reaction is already concerning considering the situation, and I doubt someone would drop a 4 year relationship over specifically just that, unless there were multiple instances before then of the boyfriend showing similar behavior (or unless the OP had some extra trauma regarding breast cancer that we're not aware of). Regardless, NTA in my opinion
"Who owns 12 mugs?" 😂😅😅😅😅😅
People that want something *functional* as their collection of choice, lol. Me, I'm people. But they certainly don't match/ all come from the same place.
Exactly! But, honest question: do you use all of them for drinks? Or do you use the few same regularly and save the good ones for special occasions?
I'm people too 🙋♀️ I literally just went to my cabinet and counted and I have 12 exactly 😂 I rotate through mine depending on how I feel. I'm also a newish potter, but even before that I loved collecting handmade ones.
Same lol I collect teacups, goblets, and mugs because I like having an eclectic collection of unique drinkware to offer people fun beverages in when they visit.
Shaaba: who owns twelve mugs??
Me with more than twelve mugs: esqueeze me? 😡☕️
okay but wait I also looked at our mug cupboard and we have a lot of mugs, not quite 12 but I STAND CORRECTED, I AM A MUG ALLY 😂
@@shaabayou need to add a few more to the collection then 😆 my grandma is a big coffee drinker and has a glass every morning. Us grandkids would slowly add to her mug collection and now she has a “mug wall” where they are hanging above her sink with extras in the cupboard. At this point, she could probably use a diff mug for almost a month 😅
“one mug per hour of distance” is HILARIOUS as a concept, brb gotta send my brother 26 mugs 😂
For a moment I was interpreting "hours of distance" as time zones and was confused as to where one could live that would be 26 time zones away. 🤣
“Truth without kindness is brutality, kindness without truth is manipulation”
I believe the quote y’all were thinking of that I saw circulating around recently, gorgeous! Very relevant! ❤
This kind of happened to us. We (me and my partner) were both in charge of telling our parents that we were having a baby - and for whatever reason, he never told his Dad. His Dad nearly had a heart attack when we showed up on his doorstep with his first granddaughter 😮
I have to admit that Shaaba going on and on about the "baby shower" is kind on getting to me because it very much wasn't a baby shower. A baby shower is a whole party with games and gifts held either at a venue or in a home. What OP had was a lunch where she announced her pregnancy. You don't announce your pregnancy at a shower, you announce it beforehand so people can bring gifts. Even though I'm feeling my feelings I don't mean this harshly.
SHAABA HOW DARE YOU TITLE A VIDEO LIKE THAT. I thought you were actually pregnant 🥲
Same
Same lmao
Girl you cant scare me like that in the title! Love you Shaaba!
for the cancer one I'm gonna assume the family history translates to her having an increased risk also (ie having a BRCA mutation like I do) and honestly I genuinely do not comprehend forgetting that while actively being asked to feel for the lump because it sounds like oh I have family history but with those genes it actually ends up being very much relevant to day to day life, "how's your family doing?" cancers probably gonna be in the topic, are we having kids? huge conversation regarding the cancer genes as they have a 50/50 chance (in simple terms) of being passed down if one has it and those cancer genes can cause your chance of getting breast cancer in your lifetime to jump from 13% to up to 72%, its a *massive* deal and you are required to have specialised counselling before getting tested and then before theyll tell you the results in most countries
so given the family history I can't see it as any other situation outside of incredibly inappropriate joke at a time he knew was serious especially when he said it after she explained the situation, could you move past it? sure! awkward jokes to break tension happen thats life but I think he's being given a bit much grace in suggesting he forgot or didn't realise the severity since that family history is honestly so incredibly huge and intertwined with your relationship especially if long term because it can determine your future (I've even met people who didn't want to be with me because they were too afraid of risking their future children having those same cancer risks and that isn't actually all that uncommon of a reaction from people)
MLM as an acronym has hilarious crossover
The MLM hard binary of mascs who say “nifty” vs mascs who say “nft”
Okay, Shaaba, I don't think you know what a baby shower is. They said they had a lunch where they had a few people come to make the announcement. That is not a baby shower. A baby shower is a huge party where everyone comes and brings you gifts for the baby. They did not have a baby shower.
Was going to clarify. Thanks 😊
It's really frustrating when people gift you fashion or home decor items in a style that they should know from being in your house or seeing how you dress, in the styles that they like that you obviously don't want to present. It's kind of a backhanded complement, and sort of says "you should do your home the way I like it, not the way you have it now." This is especially glaring when someone has their home in one style or color scheme that is cohesive throughout their entire home. In those cases, thd best course of action is to say "Thank you, this is a very lovely item, and I like it, but it doesn't go at all with our decor, but it seems to match yours and I think it would look absolutely stunning in your living room." And then give it back to them while insisting that they keep it since they liked it so much that they wanted you to have it, insisting that they're is no reason for them to get you something else, as you can enjoy it when you visit them, with the find memory of how generous they are to you. Do this once, and they will likely stop. If they don't stop, then they were hoping you would do that all along (like the boyfriend that gets you something related to his hobby for your birthday so that he can use it.)
While this tactic may not result in you getting future gifts that you like, it will result in you not having to display those items when they visit, and might result in them no longer trying to redocorate your home one item at a time.
7:54 I own way more than 12 mugs because I use mugs instead of cups/glasses 100% of the time
7:30 12 is a lot of mugs?
We have at least 30
Shaaba, if this was an American, she didn't have a baby shower. A US baby shower is a huge over the top party with a theme, presents, games. Think wedding reception for "normal" people, not just a lunch.
Not always over the top, but okay
@@sharyebethancourt3660 Ok, I was generalising. I'm not American and I kind of love how Americans love a huge party as long as it doesn't involve me. Kind of an introvert but have some great friends who are from various places around the US and I live my party life vicariously through them.
First one, I wonder if, sometime when she actually needs something for the house or the baby, she could ask MIL to go shopping with her. Go into it with the expectation that it might be a frustrating time, but she can at least veto things before they're paid for, and show MIL things she does like.
Second one, yeah, she should have said something way earlier. The sister is still completely unreasonable, but it would have been so much better to do it earlier. She's not the drama for announcing the pregnancy, she's the drama for not announcing it. I agree ESH, but OP wouldn't have sucked if she had initiated the conversation sooner.
Third one, BF is the drama for saying that in that situation. There is a time, and this wasn't it. "I'm asking you this because I'm afraid of cancer" makes it very obvious how she was feeling. The comment might have made her think he was not the person she thought he was. Or-- and we have no way of knowing this-- she might have already been questioning the relationship, and this was the last straw. I really do think OP is NTD.
I love how they keep bringing up Asshole vs Drama. I personally prefer "Asshole". "fishing for some assholes" is way funnier than "fishing for some drama"
Or Shaaba's 'let's dive deep into some a-holes', that always brings up some interesting mental images looool
My aunt used to always get me bars of soap from her holidays (beautiful handmade ones) but I'm allergic xD but I was quite young so I didn't know how to bring it up without sounding like a spoiled brat. Eventually my mum mentioned it to her (in a very kind way)
Also had a coworker visit recently and she brought me a box of chocolates (one of my favourites) and a bottle of some kind of alcohol. Which she did hand me saying 'i couldn't remember if you drank or not...' and I said 'i don't, but that is so kind. Do you want to keep it for yourself?' she said no, so I asked if she'd mind if I regifted it to someone, and she was totally fine with that. Because it was such a kind gesture, and I didn't want it wasted.
"Who owns 12 mugs?"
*looks at 20+ non-matching mugs in my cupboard*
*clears thoat*
*walks away*
😂
Story 2: I think OP mishandled this. I’d have told my sister one on one to give her a safe space to feel any possible way. Then you tell other people: and you do it before 8 months!!! Now sister is going to feel left out/potentially betrayed on top of any pain she may feel.
Irt the recurring problem with unwanted gifts, my flatmate and I had this problem with his mother when we first moved in together (with gifts for both of us individually, as well as household stuff). Within the first 2 weeks, she'd bought us duplicates of almost every kitchen item we already had, 6 bath mats in various colours (none of which matched our existing bathroom stuff), awful floral granny-esque bedding (from thrift stores), a whole bunch of kitschy decor that was all her style and not either of ours, etc.
Super generous, but it was clearly coming from a place of empty-nester insecurity, like she was using gift-giving as an excuse to see us and constantly drop by unannounced. We found the best solution was to just sit her down and explain that while we always appreciated how thoughtful she was in wanting to make sure we had everything we needed, we just didn't need or have storage space for 6 extra bath mats and multiple spares of every kitchen utensil. We explained that we wanted the experience of decorating our own shared apartment according to our tastes, which were very different from hers and didn't want her to waste her money on gifts that, while thoughtful and generous, we wouldn't use and didn't have space for. We told her we needed her to ask us whether we wanted something BEFORE buying it for either/both of us. We also made it clear that we wanted to spend time with her regardless of whether she had anything to give us and made plans then and there for her to go with us to see a movie later that week.
While she said all the right things at the time and agreed to take back the stuff she'd given us and donate it to a charity she volunteered with, she actually didn't stop buying us stuff. That's where enforcing the boundaries we'd set became super important -- and being consistent was crucial. Literally every time she showed up unannounced with gifts she hadn't asked us about beforehand, we politely turned her away -- eg., "We're actually about to head out to see friends, so now isn't a good time. Why didn't you ask before coming over? Also, we really wish you'd asked whether we wanted X item, because we already have one that works fine. We appreciate you thinking of us, but please ask beforehand, in future." As she kept doing it, that became, "It's not okay to show up unannounced, because it puts us in a very awkward position and sometimes we just don't want guests," and, "I'm really not sure why you'd buy us another one of these when you know we already have enough of them and super limited space. It makes me feel super guilty when you spend money on stuff without asking and then I have to say no and give it back to you. Please stop doing that and just ask first."
Always with empathy and never unkind or unappreciative, but also very firm and assertive. She stopped fairly quickly once it became clear we weren't going to budge on the boundaries we'd set, individually or as a household. Reacting with confusion at her odd behaviour instead of anger or frustration was crucial. These behaviours almost always come from a place of love and often a fear of not being needed, as their kid becomes a self-sufficient adult. But that doesn't mean we have to just put up with it and the problems it can cause us.
as a former waiter getting food sent back is reasonable, mistakes happen. I was never upset with the customer for doing it. EXCEPT once a woman asked if the salad dressing had cream I told her no it is oil and vinegar, I double checked this with the chef (in fact I saw him make the dressing) she started yelling at me that it was with cream because she didnt understand the concept of emulsion (mixing the dressing really hard creates an emulsion that makes it look very creamy, since there IS oil in it) she was so degrading and rude about it, I am a scientist and tried to explain it to her, she didnt even apologize.
The third story, OP is not the drama. If OP has a hx of breast cancer they are probably very aware of how often male partners leave because of breast cancer. Esp women with breast cancer having their breasts removed are treated differently by husbands and frequently husbands cheat and leave. OP has a hx of cancer and told told boyfriend they were worried about a lump, boyfriend sexualized the situation, OP probably thought of those statistics and wanted to seriously evaluate the future of their relationship. 100% reasonable reaction.
7:53 "who owns 12 mugs?" 😅 who doesn't? 😅
Re the self breast exam -- Gotta say, there's not nearly enough context here. Is there a history where one or both have asked/pleaded/demanded for knowing the other person's thoughts when they happen? Is this something they're already working on? Is there a history of 'sexy pranks' in their relationship where one person will pretend to have something 'wrong' just to turn it around and turn it into some kind of sexy foreplay? What did she actually say when asking for the confirmation feel? No, sincerely, what? Because there's a big difference between "Hey honey, can you come and feel me up because I felt something weird?" vs. "Hey honey, I think I found a lump in my breast. I'm a bit concerned it might be my family history hitting me, would you come double check?" I've been watching Shaaba's channel for a lot of the backlog lately, and she's right: context is **everything**. She might have brought up the family history of cancer in a very blasé way a year ago, and then nothing since, which makes her information valid and good that she told him, but there needs to be more information before a realistic assessment of this one can be had.
My aunt got me a christmas tree ornament when I graduated Uni. It's pink and flowery and covered in glitter.
I am a trans man. And my religion doesn't celebrate Christmas. 😂
'Who owns twelve mugs?' ... me sitting here with my mug collection that I cut down to twelve from around twenty because I thought twelve was a reasonable amount of mugs for someone to have...
On an unrelated note... I love tea!
The breast cancer/lump thing: Totally disagree. To put it crudely, she just said "I might have a deadly disease, can you help me?" and he responded with "I want to f***". In what world is this okay?
Literally so upset with Shaaba and Jamie in this situation. In what world is that okay to say. Also dude seems sexist based on that post alone and comments about updates from her. They really dropped the ball on this and frankly I’m angry
You cannot be doing that title to me, I reacted far too quickly 😭❤
Idk, I've had foot-in-mouth syndrome for a long time, but if I'd made an impulsive joke about someone else's medical scare like as a panicked reflex, i would IMMEDIATELY apologize. If someone did that to me and didn't apologize right away, then it wouldn't feel like a reflexive "i just want to cheer u up" nervous babble, i would feel like my fears and concerns were being invalidated.
If it were about almost anything else, I could see ur point, like if it was something that ppl can have different feelings about, something subjective - then ok, we can talk about it. But like. It's CANCER. She's worried about fcking CANCER, there are no two ways to feel about that! Cancer is the worst, and to make a comment like that, even as a JOKE, when ur partner is scared...... that's just fcking cruel.
My best friend's mother had breast cancer when we were kids, and we were so scared for her. I couldn't make a joke about that to my bff, I actually worry a lot for her health bc her paternal grandmother also had cancer and passed from it. So there's history of cancer on both sides of her family, and i live in fear of losing her too.
Nah, i wouldn't even take time to THINK if my partner made a comment like that to my fcking face. I would be OUT of there. No hesitation, no questions, no negotiation, go fck urself. U don't joke about sht like that without someone's EXPRESS PERMISSION - and even then, maybe don't joke about it when they're fcking scared and nothing has been confirmed or denied yet 😤
43:32 - But.. like...I'm presuming that OP probably *_did_* ask him to feel the lump specifically in the context of being really worried about having found it in the first place, and then just because he didn't feel it on first attempt he likely assumed she was crazy/wrong and that meant it was somehow okay for him to try and brush it off and redirect from her continuing to try and show him into something else instead.
Breast cancer scare - I really need more info about the couple; how long have they been together, does he often act crude or behave like a frat boy, or was this just a one-off wherein he put his foot in his mouth? I give her the benefit of a doubt that she's not overreacting. He either hasn't yet established the feelings of safety and respect that a relationship needs (i.e. it's a newer relationship), or has a pattern of not showing respect or making OP feel safe and cared for, so I'm leaning towards OP not being the drama. If you (Shaaba and Jamie) have the dynamic of being able to joke like that, awesome. Not all long-standing relationships have that, and if my partner of 20 years said something like what transpired between OP and her BF, I'd be hurt and angry. It by itself wouldn't be grounds for divorce, but it could be if it was yet another thing on top of a mountain of problems.A healthy relationship can handle oopsies, but there has to a foundation of trust and respect.
On the flipside, if the BF is normally very loving and respectful, and this one time made a major mistake, I hope OP isn't throwing the baby out with the bathwater. She didn't break up with him on the spot, so that's good. She did set a very strong boundary, and she has a right to do so. Now, if she's overly strict or high-strung, and every mistake the BF makes causes OP to want to have a serious talk, I don't think that's a sustainable situation. Everybody has the right to set limits on what they're willing to accept in a relationship, and if sexualizing breasts during a cancer scare is a hrd no for her, that's fine.
BF is very much in the wrong here, and owes OP an apology. OP might be the drama if the relationship was fantastic before he said that, and if she said her part is a certain tone. Even then, if she has zero tolerance for that kind of humor, I can't entirely fault her-- unless she's made off-color jokes before, or accepted/promoted such behavior from him before. They might just be incompatible, and that happens. Hopefully she is being clear and consistent in her expectations and boundaries.
I am concerned that it's a 32-yr-old man dating a woman that much younger and still sexualizing body parts even in inappropriate situations. I know males and females mature differently, but that's no excuse He should be supportive and lead by positive examples. If she lets him talk to her like that early in the relationship, and doesn't have a serious talk to establish boundaries, how is he going to become better? So I have more clues in OP's favor, but I still want more info.
In OP's edit she says they've been together for 4 years and that he was aware of her family's history, so yeah, it's not like they were only dating for a few months. I also agree that the age gap was a flag for me; whenever I see a relationship where the man is fairly older than the woman, I unfortunately end up hearing unpleasant stories about power dynamics.
It's also unfortunate that everyone's (including Shaaba and Jamie) acting/thinks that she dumped him right then when she clearly said she just went to stay with her parents for a bit to breathe, and wants to have a conversation with him when they meet back up to figure out if they still want to be together. That seems reasonable to me.
@@KristiChan1I saw some other comments about other updates she’s said that he does act like this often, and ignores her after she doesn’t consent to sex.
@@yeetmcgeets Damn, I hope she did dump him in the end. She doesn't deserve to be treated like that.
For the cancer scare story at the end:
I think he's the drama but I don't necessarily think he meant to be. From the info given, it seems to me like he misread the seriousness of the situation or maybe he was trying to lighten the mood and failed badly. Obviously she wasn't in any mood to be joking around because that is a scary place to be. She was in no way overreacting and it really wasn't fair of him to say so. At some point, surely he would have realised where she was coming from and how scared/stressed she must be. How it looks from her POV and especially if it an ongoing thing (which we don't know), it's not far fetched for her to want a huge discussion about their relationship.
"Who owns 12 mugs?"
I feel called out 😂
The last story is giving me flashbacks to when I got a concussion at work - I was in shock and didn't know what to do, and when I called my male partner at the time to go with me to the ER he was openly reluctant bc he didn't believe it was that bad/thought it was too great an inconvenience. 🙄
Idk what you guys are talking about, a simple lunch where they're announcing the pregnancy is not a baby shower. A baby shower is a party with gifts for the new mom and baby and often games and other festivities. But the defining characteristic is definitely the guests already knowing about the pregnancy and bringing gifts to help the new parents prepare for the baby.
Ahem…. One collects mugs of different sizes when one drinks different sorts of tea, tisanes, cocoa and coffee
*_differently shaped colored and sized mugs have different Vibes and Moods for my different vibes drinks and moods_* we’re all right all the mug people are right actually 😂
Probably unpopular opinion but i think you're giving too much credit to the sister that flipped in the pregnancy story. It feels like she would have had that reaction no matter when she found out.
I can’t stop laughing at the fact that Shaaba doesn’t know what a baby shower is and keeps assuming it’s the baby announcement XD. It is very cute, and I get it cuz I’d probably be the same if I didn’t know what it was. But omfg it is just funny honestly
Woah this matched perfectly with my classes today. I'm excited to watch! I've been having a really hard past few weeks as a neurodivergent person.
And to everyone reading this, you're awesome and valid
Sending neurodivergent love ❤
@@thecolorjune thank you ❤️
I have sent a plate back because it came out with mushrooms. I’m allergic & had asked for no mushrooms. I stated my allergy as the reason why I was requesting no mushrooms. They had still sent it out with mushrooms. So I had sent it back. The second time that it came out it had mushrooms again. So I sent it back & told them to keep it but to remove it from the bill. The manager then came out & asked what was wrong. I explained the situation, that my fellow diners were nearly done eating, & that I no longer had faith in their system, so since I physically couldn’t eat the food I didn’t want to pay for it, please remove it from the bill so we can settle out & leave. The manager stated that they didn’t believe that things had gone down that way & brought out the server/cook who stated that it had happened that way. No one @ our table ended up paying that visit. The manager brought the cash tip that my friends left to cover their portion out to the car as we were leaving.
I’m very frustrated with their stance on the last post. He sexualized her saying she had a cancer concern…and some how she’s the drama for now wanting to stay with someone who clearly doesn’t take her medical concerns and issues seriously? Bffr.
I wholeheartedly disagree with the verdict of the last story. I think op is NTA at all. I don’t think the partner just “misread the room.” OP is voicing to her boyfriend that she is concerned about a lump on her breast. The implication is that she’s concerned it’s cancerous. Regardless of whether or not he knows about her family history of breast cancer, he should understand the incident is serious because his partner is concerned about something, not to mention cancer is potentially deadly. If a partner said what her boyfriend said to me after I was honest to them about how I was scared something was cancerous, I would feel extremely uncomfortable, disrespected, and sexualized. OP’s boyfriend is aware his girlfriend is scared and concerned. He seems aware cancer could be a risk and he decides in THAT moment to sexualize her. It just shows (in my opinion) that he does not respect her and it would be enough for me to consider breaking up as well. If she broke up with him on the spot, I wouldn’t blame her but that’s not even what she did. She said she wants to talk about reconsidering the relationship and she took time away from him and the situation. How does she suck in this situation? Anyone is allowed to break up with someone for any reason, but I personally believe she has a good reason! I can’t blame her if she feels disrespected and sexualized when she was vulnerable enough to admit her fear to him. His response is really disgusting imo.
"Who owns twelve mugs?!"
*quietly closes cupboard door to hide my mug hoard*
...I have a problem, okay? 😅
Omg TUPPERWARE PARTIES! A big thing in Finland, too 😂
No, a lunch where you announce your pregnancy is not the same as a baby shower. You don't get *showered* with gifts, the whole meeting is not by definition all about you, even though people are gonna be excited about the pregnancy, it's not as much as a big deal as a baby shower, not even near that.
7:56 "Who *owns* 12 mugs??" *starts sweating and tries not to look in the direction of my 20+ mug collection*
i feel like the only time it is acceptable to give things you would like to someone would be if that person has similar interests as you. if you're stumped on what to get them but you know they like what you like that could be good parameters for a gift
I just did a quick count and I have 24 mugs😂 I am single 😂😂😂
Green or 🚩- honestly, even depends on the way a person goes about it! I had a situation with a work friend group where I really wanted to try a specific dish, and the waiter brought me a wrong one. I felt super stressed at first because I thought I already started eating someone else's order, and even more stressed when my friends called the waiter and explained the situation, but they made me feel very comfortable in that I wasn't doing anything wrong by requesting the food I actually ordered (which, in hindsight, duh), and no one was rude to the staff either, so they made a stressful experience for me into a positive one! If a person deals with that in a kind way, it's very refreshing to see, but if they make a scene, they're just causing you more stress, which is one giant🚩, and maybe another 🚩 from me personally, because I think no one should be rude to retail workers.
I can't imagine asking where a present that I've given someone is. Once I've given someone a present it's theirs to do what they want whether they want to keep it, put it away, regift, whatever
Please Google the definition of Baby Shower 👀 A lunch to make an announcement is not a shower. She didn't receive gifts or cake nor participate in fun games. She sacrificed ALL of that for a simple lunch announcement just to help her self-centered sister. 👀 Op never claimed to be a martyr. She only explained her efforts to walk on eggshells to preserve her sister's feelings. 🤷♀️ *And you're making a huge assumption that a person willing to make her parents choose between their future grandchildren would ever be considerate of anyone else's feelings. 👀🤷♀️
Ooh, the pregnancy announcement one is triggering in all kinds of ways for me. I've been on the miscarrying-sister's side of things, and it SUUUUUUCKS. But yeah. Give me fair warning, preferably in a context where I'm not directly interacting with you, of your announcement WELL AHEAD OF TIME so I can go through all the ugly emotions privately and get them out of my system so that when I face you it's with a much better frame of mind.
I was reminded of the story that drag queen Thorgy Thor told about when her mother died...Thorgy was in college at the time, and nobody told her anything until her mother was just about at death's door...so by the time Thorgy came home she really didn't get to say goodbye or have any real time with her mother. She carries anger and hurt and betrayal about that to this day toward the rest of her family.
Communication is good.
The baby story literally had my jaw dropping. Wtaf?! Definitely ESH. Really annoyed me that OP was playing the martyr about the things she "didn't get to have". It's absolutely ridiculous to make a decision on someone's behalf, refuse to tell them about the situation or the decision you made, and then blame them for the subsequent decisions you made based on that first one. Essentially OP made all the choices here, the reasoning doesn't matter because it was still entirely down to OP, she can't blame her sister for that.
The sister whilst upset & shocked, her reaction was insane. Made worse by the fact that it was said the next day rather than at the time, so she had some time to calm down before saying these things.
Yeah. It seems to OP thought they were doing something to protect their sisters feelings, but ended up hurting them badly. It’s alright for OP to grieve the events she chose not to have with good intentions for her sister, but it’s not the sisters fault. OP should have told her sister early in private, and then gone on to have the events she wanted to have. If the sister was mad after all that, then that is unfortunate but wouldn’t be OP’s fault. Sister sounds like she needs grief counseling.
I have more than 12 mugs 😅😂😂 i collect mugs Im also super picky which ones I drink from 😅 but I love mugs used to have many more than I have now hahaha 😂
I find it shocking the number of mugs was so confusing I pretty much never use mugs and own around 10 (a couple I have repurposed to put pens in), and that's not including how like once a month someone will break one (there's 5 people in our house so it's always scary when you hear it smash and we all wonder whose fell victim next), point being I've had so many others. And all my friends have at least 5 mugs (I have more cus I got some for Christmas/my bday).
The pregnancy one is such a roller coaster!
I have 40 mugs… 😅😅😅 I like mugs
I own AT LEAST 30 mugs 😅
there's been 5 episodes of this posdcast so far and i just realized TODAY that the transition clip says "Oooh drama!" and not "oooh shaaba!" as I've been hearing lol anyways silliness aside, great ep as always!!
shaaba: who owns 12 mugs?
me and my mother: 😐🫣
I’ve been looking forward to this episode all day it’s kept me going through several breakdowns, just knowing I’ll be able to calm down in this cozy atmosphere you two always manage to create ❤
Sending love and support 🧡🌷