I am an anylyser, and a fixer, so telling me you neither want nor require speculation on your brain was ABSOLUTELY necessary! Thank you for handling it so matter of factly.
I've lost track of the number of times I've said "Thank the Gods for the autism." because I've recognized an ADHD trait in myself that is heavily counterbalanced by it😅
Girl, you don't need to state anything. The people who know just know. I am a late diagnosed female with adult ADHD. I am also an artist. Girls/women are all but ignored in the medical field in relation to autism and ADHD as they are most often thought of as a male problem & we present differently than males. I can very much relate to your personality traits & find them entertaining as they often mirror mine. The main difference for me being that I am a major people person, but when that battery is low, I have to shut down to recharge again. I can't tell you how many times you have made me bust out laughing not because you were being intentionally funny but because you did something so in line with how my brain works that it brought me a burst of pure joy seeing it in a like-minded creator. There is nothing better than seeing a person so much like yourself out there in the world doing awesome things. Thank you for being you.
As a 40yo woman who got diagnosed with autism about 8 years ago and ADHD this year, I find you amazingly relatable. I love your distractions, asides and tangents! I also find the way you make yourself get back on task as a motivational push to make myself find ways of finishing my projects. I'm glad you're discovering these things about yourself 💖
I’ve been “dreaming” EXACTLY like this my entire life. 30 years later I still do it and have never heard someone describe the same experience. Why does that make me emotional? Who knows but thank you
I’m 46. I do this exact same thing. I believe I’m autistic and adhd, still on two very long waiting lists for diagnosis though. I think they are assuming I’ll die of old age first.
Me too! And i never talked to anyone about it until recently (months ago, actually). It's so libetaring to hear and read other people talking about it, it giver a huge sense of relief for me.
Yes exactly, when i was younger this storytelling dreaming was my only way to lull myself to sleep, and if ever i “resolved” all of my ongoing storylines (or just got bored of them) i would find myself in a period of intense boredom, that reads to me now as something resembling depression, because it would affect my ability to find anything fun to do, because i was missing that background noise of fun stories to fill up all of my empty time.
I too have done the same “writing a book in my head” to fall asleep for many many years. I am 67 and have also never heard of anyone else that does this, so nice to find out I am not alone!
It doesn’t seem to be as much fun when you’re realising it in your late 40s and early 50s! Maybe it’s the stress of couple of extra decades of masking… but, I’m glad I’m there finally.
I was drawn to your channel because I saw so much of myself in you. That lead me down a year long road to getting diagnosed AuDHD at 43 years old. Thank you for the spark I needed to explore my own brain and figure out why I always felt so alien around people.
Congrats on getting diagnosed. It's a wonderful thing to gain information and help yourself function to whatever heights you wish to get to. Use your gift, be you regardless of what others may think.
As someone with late-diagnosed AuDHD (with autism that keeps the ADHD in check, funnily enough), I really relate to your neurodivergence discovery journey. And, frankly, you know yourself and what you struggle with best. There are lots of reasons why people do (or don't) get diagnosed, from financial inaccessibility to simply not caring about the label. Personally, I only went through with it so that I didn't have to fight employers for workplace accommodations. Thank you for your authenticity and transparency, and for showing people that setting strong boundaries is okay (and necessary!).
As a new-ishly self-identified autistic woman at age 51, one of my considerations that may end up pushing me to get a formal diagnosis is the thought that someday, it's likely enough that I'll need to go into care as an elderly person (clear of mind or otherwise), and what happens if I don't have a diagnosis through that process? I'm unfortunately fairly sure that even diagnosed autistic people aren't properly accommodated, in terms of their sensory issues etc... but I figure I'm even *less* likely to be given any accommodations if the diagnosis isn't even there. And then potentially medicated with sedatives, too, if my resulting behaviour is "difficult" to manage. idk. I know it's just a hypothetical, but it seems like a reasonable thing for me to consider (I'm on Disability, so there are no workplace accommodations to worry about; senior healthcare seems to be one of the most pressing that's relevant to my situation)
your journey discovering your own neurodivergence is almost identical to mine! especially the feelings of not wanting to become "more autistic" just because you looked up the symptoms, and relating so much to other autistic peoples' experiences but dreading the idea of a clinician saying you're not autistic, because completing a self-discovery journey just to have its conclusion denied would be devastating (at least for me, personally). in my own journey, i came to the conclusion that i was autistic after spending months going down the autism research black hole (and i still get imposter syndrome even after getting an official diagnosis), but in researching what autism in AFAB people is like, i noticed that autism didn't explain everything for me, yet i related so, so much to the experiences of people who would call out that they had adhd too (thank you to the reddit and youtube communities built around women with autism!). i also feel that i'm more "autism-forward" (and i think this is very common for audhd-ers, too; to have one or the other be more pronounced yet also have their autism and adhd kind of "cancel out" and therefore not realize they have either until later in life), but the combination makes so much more sense for me than just one or the other. thank you for talking so openly about this, charlie - your videos are great!
You verbalized a lot of my thoughts so perfectly! I don't relate as much on the ADHD front, but I've thought almost the exact same things about questioning an autism diagnosis, but being scared to pursue diagnosis and also not wanting to influence my brain and start "acting" autistic because I've consumed content about it?
I don't know if anybody remembers pop up video on VH1, but that was the best thing ever for my brain before the internet. I got music I like to listen to and cool facts. But there wasn't a rewind button and I didn't own a vhs player
As someone who believes they are on the spectrum, and several other people close to me have pegged me as such, this video is very comforting and confirming. Thank you.
I got diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago, at the age of 55. I relate so heavily to the dawning realisation that I might have neurodivergance, worrying that a diagnosis would be me just projecting what I'd learned, and going round in circles for quite a while. It did help that both my husband and my best friend independently affirmed me as soon as I started to voice my thoughts. It WAS a huge relief to get the professional diagnosis, but it took me three years to run up to facing that. I'm here to support which ever route you take with it.
OMG! This is me! The story in your head, you need to finish, before being able to concentrate on something else? ME! You explain this so well!! Thank you for that
I relate to this experience on so many levels, from the 'fear' of having this explanation taken away, to worrying about what other people will say/think, to the path from believing I have autism, to then also realizing I have ADHD. I have been diagnosed with both this year, and it's been a HUGE relief. Good luck with your journey, and lots of love to you.
This entire video DEEPLY resonated with me especially the part about wondering if you are autistic and then realizing that perhaps there is another aspect with the ADHD. It just didn't look like the ADHD in the people around me. I was organized and detail oriented where my siblings were distracted and forgetful. I could concentrate for hours! (if the topic was interesting of course) I also had the same fears as you if I get formally diagnosed, what if they tell me I'm wrong? Do I even knowing myself then? What have all these years of rumination and fears been for? For me, turns out I was not wrong at all and was diagnosed as AuDHD this year in my late thirties. It was incredibly scary and nerve-wracking to go through testing but it's also been very healing to work with my also AuDHD therapist. A lot of it is just me talking out my thoughts with someone to guide me or question my "rules". I hope your journey continues to be fruitful!
as someone who is 36 with the combo platter of adhd and autism I love to see that its being talked about so much more now and that everyone can share their stories and relate to strangers they have never met. also I loved the straight forward "I'm not asking for help" cause I immediately want to help but the firm but kind no thank you is very helpful for me to be like "ok you got it!"
Charlie, I'm 44, and I've been asking myself similar questions to you for several years now. Thank you for telling me that it's ok to do so, and that it's also ok to not want the faff and hoop jumping that one has to go through in order to pursue a formal diagnosis. You have no idea how much chats like these mean yo me.
Just commiserating here, letting others know they aren't alone. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my early-thirties and speaking to the psychologist who diagnosed me, it really explained why I had difficulty with things that other people found common and easy. It also helped explain why I tended to think about things the way I did. Why i come up with 40+ scenarios for every action and end up so overwhelmed that I do nothing. Why my memory has always been bad. Why I hyper focus, then abandon projects. And also why my mum (bless her soul, she was amazing) taught me how to make lists every morning with every single thing I had to do, in order. From wake up, get dressed, toilet, breakfast, walk to bus stop.... It kept me focused and able to function. And i still have to do make those daily lists to this day. When I forget to make my daily list, I'm lost, and I literally forget to eat. The coping mechanisms she taught me before anyone even knew that my brain didn't work like other people's are still working to help me to this day. She used to tell me, there's no such thing as normal. Everyone's different. Everyone's brain works differently. Everyone learns in different ways. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. Being different *is normal*. And being told from a young age that there is nothing *wrong* with my brain, that it's not different, it just works the way I need it to work. Being told that every brain is different actually helped me feel included rather than ostracized, helped me develop good social skills and gave me the courage to seek out a professional diagnosis when i was older. She did tell me later on, she tried to get me diagnosed as a child, but the school psychologist basically told her that girl's don't have ADHD (the 80s were a wild time in mental health), and that really discouraged her from trying to get me outside help so she read everything she could about ADHD, and tried to help me by herself, hoping that I would learn coping mechanisms, and if i wanted to do so, I would get diagnosed on my own.
I was diagnosed with adhd a few weeks ago and the part about writing stories in your head so good you couldn't focus on your homework has me on the verge of tears. You're making me rewrite my childhood through the lens of being an undiagnosed child, not some weird little girl. Thank you, Charlie.
I grew up with two neurodivergent brothers (ADD and ADHD+dyslexia) and compared to them and other close friends with different diagnoses I seem more neurotypical. I've suspected for a long time that I might be on the spectrum but was high functional enough not to need the diagnosis. But the worse my ME/CFS has gotten the less I can compensate for problems due to what is probably AuDHD. It's taken two years and the two different psychologists that I've met with so far definitely thinks I might be Audhd and should continue to be assessed. It's a waiting game at this point. Your video on layers really hit home, I shared it with a few friends because it is the best description of how my mind and senses work that I have ever experienced. I watched it and went "yup, thats me. No wonder I'm so mentally exhausted all the time." We all really need to talk more about what we experience and feel, both on the inside and outside, because when I've talked to or watched videos by neurodivergent people I can get aha-moments about stuff that I believed was absolutely normal and something everybody experienced.
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 36 but as perimenopause started messing with my brain the autistic symptoms started coming out more loudly and it has completely obliterated my executive functioning and ability to sync through projects and concepts so I haven't even been able to work on any of my hobbies in months because I can literally feel the brain calories being consumed for nothing.
"No wonder I'm so mentally exhausted all the time." Also, - perimenopause messing with my brain and obliterated my executive function - These two things hit so hard I stalled mentally. Makes me curious if any of the rx that go with any of these dx would help me.
In February a colleague at work raised the suspicion that I was autistic. The reason for her suspicion was my social anxiety, which became a huge phobia. Through a systematic investigation, made by my neurologist and psychologist together, I found out I'm ADHD and also exceptionally gifted. I understand the relief you talk about because I also have a huge desire to understand why I've always been so different! It's nice to know that my brain is atypical and it took away my guilt for not acting like a neurotypic person.
Very important clarification around 13:35 - it is *hard* to ask rhetorical questions on the internet! (Also, I personally rarely recognize rhetorical questions *as* rhetorical unless they are pointed out to be such.) While there is an increasing amount of autistic representation in media, and also "characters that the showmakers don't explicitly say is autistic but who are widely interpreted as such by the audience", I think I've only ever seen one character in a movie outright say "I have ADHD" - the gang of thieves' car mechanic in 'The Fast and the Furious'. One of my teachers put that movie on right before vacation back in Grade 7 or 8, when I had an ADHD diagnosis but hadn't heard of autism yet, and that line jumped out at me.
You have every right to be you, and believe yourself to be something. Please don't change for anyone. I love these videos as they are like a chat with a friend.
Charlie, thank you so much for this video. I'm early on in my self discovery journey, but I am coming to very similar conclusions about myself. The relief I feel when you talk about this is huge. I have a real issue with feeling like I'm faking it, and also a real fear that a professional would tell me I'm wrong about myself. I can't tell you how validating it is to hear you say the same thing. There are so many things I could point to and say "Same!" , but instead I'll just say that you have made me feel so seen, and that I see you too. Thank you for being so open about yourself and your journey.
Well, I’m really glad for this. I’m 51, and spent the day writing a narrative on my life in prep for an autism assessment. I started looking into it and myself about 5 years ago, too. Watching you over the last year(ish) has really helped me look at my studio practice in a whole new way - basically, I have learned from you that my creativity is mine. Not sure what clicked that into place that you did, but I appreciate you being out there.
Thank you for sharing your journey. As a mom to three young men who are all autistic, two with ADHD to and interest, a lot of what you have to share makes sense. I'm in my late 40s and have had a few friends in my close circle recently officially diagnosed with ADHD which has caused me to question where my brain is at... I've come to the conclusion that I'm neurodivergent, but feel no need to waste money on official diagnosis at the moment.
Thank you very much for the explicit instruction it came at a great point! I really liked how you concluded with what’s really the good of having language to identify ourselves, community. I know I’ve been searching for that perfect way to say “I am me but I’m also kinda like some of you, we can be friends”
I love your asides and tangents (they are very much a part of how I think and communicate too) and your recent video about your brain being an orchestra was glorious. I don't think my brain has quite so many levels at all times, but the way you described it was beautiful and made so much sense. Thank you for talking about this stuff.
I love hearing your perspective about your brain! You communicate so clearly, and I deeply appreciate how you set out your boundaries. You're someone I really admire. I've been unmasking long-standing brain injury symptoms on about the same timeline as you've been unmasking yours, and I can't help but think that you contributed to me getting comfortable enough to do that. Thank you for helping me to feel secure enough to stop masking, and thank you for every video you post! 😊
“Writing books in my head” is a PERFECT description. I completely relate to this and also did the same thing! I also suspect I am Audhd. I was screened for ADHD and scored high and have responded well to medication. So that pretty much tells me what I need to know. But there are so many unexplained things that compete with adhd that make me think I may be autistic
As someone who’s ADHD was masked by my Anxiety my entire adult life I can relate. Our brains are so complex; it is amazing how the layers can all interact.
This is so cool that you are talking about this right now. My entire life I’ve always been teased about how similar I am to my oldest brother, and he recently got diagnosed with autism. I have always studied how my brain works, and as I was studying about autism because I wanted to understand him better, I realized how much I relate to, and how much I think I’ve been masking. So I’m pretty sure I’m autistic, and my brother has actually voiced that he thinks I’m autistic. Another part about studying how my brain works, is because I noticed how different I was to other kids. They were talking and socializing, whereas I was sitting by myself and creating stories in my head. I’ve also noticed a reflex that I have whenever there are a lot of people, or it’s loud, (I also have a songs pretty much constantly playing in my head) the song I have playing in my head will get really loud, or I’ll start creating a story even if I don’t want to. So I have been chatting with my brother about all this, and he relates to most of it, so it’s been a journey.
You’ve just given me a BRILLIANT idea for when I have kids!!!!!! Make sure they all have notebooks and pencils with them and if they have something in their minds distracting them, like stories, they can just stop and write them down!!!!!!
This is probably what you mean, but I would rather it was “encourage them to” rather than “make sure they” do something/anything. I had a mum that always tried to make me write down everything because it’s what she liked doing. I hate it. I don’t know if I hate it because she made me do it, or if it’s because I actually don’t like it, or if it’s because it turns out I have some processing issues and learning disabilities with writing, but it caused me a lot of stress growing up.
@ yes, you understood what I was saying. And I could totally understand if my child didn’t want to write anything down. A notebook and pencil would still be beneficial for clearing their mind. Maybe they could draw, or even just scribble. If it helps them focus. I would LOVE to be able to get everything out of my head but my mind thinks faster than I can write. And I’ve had SO MANY people tell me that I should journal. I hate journaling. When I was with my local mental health place I told my case manager that I hate journaling. What did she have for me the next time I had a meeting with her? A journal. Which she expected me to use. After yet again telling her I don’t ever want to journal
I think you are incredibly brave to share so much of yourself in a place that is not always receptive and people love to shame and ridicule. I appreciate your honesty and enjoy listening to you. Keep up the good work!! ❤
I relate so hard to that feeling of relief when you find an explanation for yourself that makes everything click into place. When a teacher suggested I get my kid evaluated for ADHD, I researched it in a totally normal way: by buying a 900-page medical textbook on the latest research and reading it cover to cover. I was only a couple chapters in when I saw a particular phrase: "low frustration tolerance". I stared at that phrase thinking "Wait ... that's one of my most annoying personality traits. Is it an ADHD thing??" and it was like one of those Magic Eye pictures suddenly came into focus. All of a sudden things I'd struggled with my whole life made SENSE, I wasn't just lazy and childish, I had something measurably different in my brain function -- not wrong, not broken, just different. Reading that textbook helped me advocate for myself as well as my kid, and now we both have a better understanding of how our brains work and medication to help adjust ourselves when we need to work differently. Ironically I also got some non-textbook "regular people" books on ADHD from the library and I just ... couldn't get through them. Kept getting bored or distracted or getting to the end of a page and realizing I hadn't actually read anything on it. Turns out I needed that high-density textbook information format, just far enough out of my academic experience that I had to look up words I didn't know.
whoa "turns out I needed that high-density textbook information format..." uh.... yeah. I've never heard anyone utter anything resembling that string of words before, but yeah. many times, "regular" books aren't interesting somehow. To the point of not being able to bother picking them up and even just trying them. But give me a big ol' textbook and I' in heaven, possibly discovering a new topic of hyperfocus interest that I'd never even considered before... I just thought the Brick Of Knowledge on the shelf looked like it might have something to say so I picked it up...
Honestly, even after I reached the point where I felt comfortable saying that I’m autistic, the imposter syndrome feelings were a recurring visitor until I had my formal assessment. Just to give that a timeline, I learned that autism exists when my eldest was diagnosed at 2. By the time he was 4 I started finding answers to a lot of questions about myself in what I learned about autism to improve my parenting of him. 13 years after that my stepdaughter was also diagnosed in her teens and I learned more about how it appears in girls and women and started to feel comfortable identifying as autistic. And then four years later I finally got my diagnosis at age 40. So it took me the best part of two decades to figure out something that, when I’ve disclosed my diagnosis to those who know me well, was apparently so obvious to others that their response is usually “yeah, that makes sense!” 🤦♀️😂
Thank you for voicing so many of these things. They overlap with so much of what I have been thinking myself about all of that only for me to dismiss it as just being stupid or silly (echoing what I've been told from others), and it's helped knowing that someone else has many of those thoughts as well. Even the stories to sleep to, though I started managing with audiobooks instead. And now I worry about what I've written, go figure.
My husband is in the process of being diagnosed with autism, after having his ADHD diagnosis for a few years now. For a while I thought I had ADHD as well, but as it turned out my working memory is very full and I’m in the gifted category, making for a lovely messy head (and space around me). If you are AuDHD, that would explain why I love following your stuff as the non-linear and creative way my husband’s brain works is one of the reasons why I love him as much as I do. Thank you for giving us a glimpse of how yours works. We appreciate it.
When I was a kid in the ‘70s, autistics were the shut-in kids. You know, the ones who sat in a corner, rocking and couldn’t speak. They also couldn’t have diagnosed me as ADD/ADHD ‘cause those things didn’t have names. It wasn’t until my nephew was diagnosed with Asperger’s (now a discredited term named for an actual Nazi) that I started looking deeper into my issues and was tested to learn that at the very least ADD goes along with my learning disabilities (yay, Disgraphia!). Am I on the autistic spectrum? Maybe, maybe not. But like you, Charlie, I’ve come up with lots of coping mechanisms that allow me to more or less function in the world, as well as carving my own niche to fit into. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and journey! You are great company as I sit and sew (which is how I make my living).
Neurodivergence is a significant thing in my family, across multiple generations. We're talking ADHD, autism, schizophrenia, and a few other brain variants for good measure. Because I've seen so much of it up close and personal, you amaze me with everything you do. It can be overwhelming, even with professional help, and it's marvelous you've reached a point where you can analyze yourself and express yourself with such clarity and self-assurance.
I’m 59 years old. We were not allowed to be divergent in my childhood Having said that, I totally get you. Understanding your mind is key, everyone else, meh. Love your style ❤
Whats crazy to me is ive kinda of gone on this exact same journey as you in probably almost the exact same time line. A lot of the things you've said are also things ive thought and asked myself as well. Its interesting that this monologue could very well have almost come from myself. Keep being you Charlie. From one hermit to another, thanks for being here. ❤
Thank you for setting such clear boundaries about what kind of comments you want and don't want. My ADHD means I'm on constant analysis mode and I know that feeling of answered questions so well that I just want to answer them. I really apologize if my comments have crossed that line into armchair diagnosis in the past. I relate to you a lot thanks for sharing all your experiences! It offers some validation for the still unanswered questions in my head.
Thank you so much for sharing your brain 🧠 journey with us. I’m learning lots, some things resonate with me and other things remind me of friends. I believe we are all our own kind of weird 😅😊. Thank you for being you ❤🙏
I love these introspective chats, because i'm kind of on that same journey of self discovery, but i'm still on the level of "i think it's plausible". I definitely relate to the not wanting to research and only analysing yourself thing. My fear, as probably many experience, is that if i read and research too much on the subject, all my experiences will be "tainted" and it will be impossible to tell if i'm faking it because i read about it and "want the label so much" or if it's truly my experience with no outside force involved. I feel like an imposter in so many spheres of my life already, i don't really want to add another on top lol. But you know, being autistic would answer so many "is this why i do/feel X?" questions i have, and it would be awefully convenient and simple if the answer was yes, but what if i'm just normal, whatever normal means? Am i trying to be special and different just for the fun of it? Anyway. I'm at that stage in my self analysis 😅
I'm really glad you've started this channel, especially because I'm finding out that I am similar to what you've been expressing on your channel. Its been really relieving to hear your experiences. I've been on a journey of self exploration for about a year now as I've been staying home to raise my son. Its been interesting to watch my masks fall off and realize that I've been hiding so much from myself for years. Im just now learning that i have extreme sensitivity issues (I can't stand a dirty floor because crumbs stick to my feet and drive me crazy.) And i didn't know i had all these things. I also have realized that like you, my probable adhd and autism have been fighting each other and so I maintain a semblemce of normalacy because of that. Thank you for sharing your stories.
I managed to keep everything together as an undiagnosed autistic girl/woman (with increasing difficulty), until I became a mother. All of a sudden everything fell off the rails hardcore. It took probably 10 years of therapy before I began to learn how to scratch at the *surface* of my mask, and then for the next 9 years of therapy I slowly uncovered bits and pieces of its surface, and even see underneath through a crack or two, unsure of what I was discovering. Started paying attention to autism 3 years ago (when things I was finally realizing in therapy started to create *weird* moments of intense recognition to things some autistic people described), and really began researching a year after that. Put the final pieces together in January. Turns out part of the reason everything was so difficult (as an undiagnosed person in general, as well as even just figuring out that there was a mask to begin with) was because I'd repressed the sensory stuff so completely (because it was presented to me as utterly unacceptable when I was a kid) that I've kind-of turned off the signals your body would normally send you to tell you STOP, NO, OMG NO... or at least, muffle them to an incredible extent. Can cause all sorts of *other* knock-on/ripple-effect problems for how you experience & make sense of life. Beginning to learn how to listen to your body again (and to take it seriously and then make accommodations for yourself) is... idk. Intense. ... I'm glad you're finding answers (and hopefully, accommodations) ♥
As someone with adhd. Routine is really important to my mood and productivity. Its just also very hard to self impose. If your systems are working for you then thst is excellent
It’s been really enlightening being in a friend group with people who have autism, people who have adhd, and people who have both. Seeing who says “same” to descriptions of certain things has made me quite aware of which traits adhd and autism share, and which they don’t
I love your videos. No matter how your brain works, it is a joy to watch them. Whatever causes your brain to do what it does, I think you are brilliant. I hope you find the answers to the questions you are asking.
I have ADHD, hubby has autism. The symptoms can overlap, and often do. I definitely relate more to your channels more than he would, but that's because of crafty chaos! And the pupper (he's a cat guy)
I feel every sentence you said. I've been fairly certain for over a decade that I am on the spectrum as well as ADD. I don't feel the need for an official diagnosis, but like you, have my own belief and methods of understanding and managing. I've never heard anyone else explain the 'stories'. It's really nice to hear someone else does the same thing.
I was drawn to your other page because I wanted to try to sew a garment and was scared to try. Your willingness to show your 'fails' just made it seem less scary for me to get in there and try. You don't only show your perfected projects, you "show your work" for the good and bad and I appreciate that. I find you very relatable and you've taught me lots of things about sewing and fabrics along the way. I am extremely socially awkward and you crack me up about your aversion to social interactions because I can really relate to that. I like your honesty and stories and your "I'm just gonna wing it" philosophy because, aren't we all? I wish you all the best and I look forward to your next project. 😊
There's been a number of times where I've started watching a creative youtuber, thought 'I really like her vibe, she's so cool and relatable', and then she says she's neurodivergent. Relatable indeed. And getting diagnosed with ADHD somehow did not stop the feelings that I might be misreading my symptoms, even after I stopped masking as much.
I appreciate the video and the in depth and thoughtful look at this. I certainly think different than most everyone I know except my family, (we all have something bit off) but even with that I find it really exhausting having everyone need a label and to be different. It’s refreshing to here someone say “yeah I probably could be a bit autistic or adhd, but I don’t want to seek further to get confrimation bias” If looking it up is helpful to understanding yourself than great, but containing yourself to a box is very confining. We all have struggles and ways we are different, you found ways to work with the brain you have and it’s created a wonderfully cool person. That’s all I really care to know :)
I was dignosed ADHD about 4 months ago....at 39.....it explains SO much! I'm glad you have embraced your nerodivertents. How you are and being so ok with it makes me so happy and very inspiring
I’ll only be one of *checks the comments* A LOT of people who relates to this, but… yeah. I learned that if I’m drawn to someone, they have like 90% chances to have some kind of Autism, probably Audhd. Pattern recognition ✨ Similar ways of communication ✨ similar life experiences ✨ I tryyyyy very hard not to peer-diagnose people on the spot, but sometimes I have to at least hint at it, because they seem so lost. I stumbled upon your channel…Idk which video it was, but about 5min in, I had strong suspicions. At the end, I knew. Thank you for being your wonderfully chaotic self on the internet ! I think it helps a lot of people.
I started looking into ADHD when several of my friends were diagnosed within a year of each other around the start of the pandemic. Having done a self-assessment with a therapist, I've gotten as far as "Yeah, it's probably something ADHD-esque" but that's very different from seeing a psychiatrist and getting a proper diagnosis. I'm in the same boat as you, though - even with the support of a professional therapist, I'm afraid to see a psychiatrist and be told that I'm just making it up somehow, and that any struggles are just laziness. So I get the fear, and I appreciate your vulnerability in expressing it.
Be whatever you are! I love your vids regardless. Instead of my autism keeping my adhd in check, my adhd keeps my autism in check- but now that I'm medicated, when I am medicated my Autism, especially my sensory issues, goes THROUGH THE ROOOOOOF.
Yes I do relate to all you have said today. I have been on my own self discovery the last couple of years, learning to unmask, learning what works and what not works for me. I'm not diagnosed because that would require me to do it and that alone is very overwhelming. but I know I am adhd and ocd, I consider myself a functioning neurospicy gal. I have made my quirks work for me the best I can. Thank you for sharing your story, It is always wonderful to know we are not alone.
Oh. My. GOODNESS!! This is painfully relatable. I'm holding back tears. I'm nearly 54 & I've been really learning about my brain for the past few years, since moving to a rural area & working in an extremely small hospital. I have been criticized & critiqued & torn apart for who I am & how I work by my the manager and it's really made me reflect. I DON'T act like most of the people around me. I don't have the same process. I am extremely distractable but also so organized & orderly & hyper focused. I HATE disruptions to my course. But 50+/- years ago, nobody talked about autism or ADHD. Any odd behaviors were behavior problems and were "corrected" by punishment of some sort. I don't feel like I need to be diagnosed at this point, because I at least know how I can work my life to function fairly well & a diagnosis won't change anything. But the depression & anxiety from being harshly judged by others who don't know me at all feeds the "monster" and tends to make me completely nonfunctional when I'm not at work. I've thought about trying to start my own business, but the idea is also so overwhelming that I don't know where to start. I think it would be amazing to start a professional TikTok and UA-cam, but fear of failure is paralyzing. 24+ years of nursing is taking a toll on my physical & mental health, and my brain freezes with the fear of change. I know I can't keep going how I am but don't know how to start making the changes I need. Thank you for sharing your story. I so appreciate the safe space you have. ❤
Mari 💔 That paralysis is SO overwhelming. I'm 51 and fear of failure was a thing that kept me fully frozen for *decades* (I couldn't even put a name to it, it was so deeply buried, so it took a LOT of work in therapy to start to move through it, and that first bit of progress was only relatively recently so I'm still in the thick of a lot of it). I believe in you . ♥ Be kind to yourself about the fear, and BE CURIOUS! Follow the curiosity, wherever it leads you, and *especially* if it leads you into anything resembling "play" or "playfulness." It may or may not solve anything, but it will improve your experience of life.
@@rebeccaburnell9319 thank you for your kinds words. Acknowledging that part of me & that fear was a pretty big step for me. My brain is my worst enemy, dreaming up great ideas but also telling me I can't. Baby steps, as they say. I know why, now I have to find the help & support for the big step into action. Preferably not a dramatic one!
@@maribrown1361 do what you can to savour every drop of victory from every baby step you manage to take, no matter how far you still are from your "goal" after you've taken that step. Don't let anyone tell you a single one of those victories is irrelevant. I say to myself "ah, that person doesn't know; I wish they did understand why this thing is an important victory to me, but they don't. That's OK, I'm not going to let their lack of understanding rob me of enjoying my victory today. Because I know how much it took, for me to make it happen. And it's amazing that I did it." Or something like that, lol.
I got diagnosed with ADHD when I was 40 so I completely relate to the whole "child-you figured out how to manage your own brain so no one knew you had a problem." I started suspecting something was wrong in graduate school (but, yeah, looking back... let's just say the signs were there). I remember I walked into the therapist's office and asked about getting assessed for ADHD and they told me it would have been impossible for me to get into graduate school if I had ADHD so they weren't going to do the assessment. Years passed. I got a career in the sciences but I was having a really hard time keeping my life together. I contacted a therapist who, again, told me it was impossible. But now I had friends who were scientists with formal diagnoses so this time I insisted. The results were hilariously clear and gave me relief for the first time in years. I wasn't stupid, or irresponsible. I was neurodivergent. I've been getting better and better at accepting my brain as it is and learning new and better ways to manage it. It's exactly as you describe - you cannot fight the ADHD. You cannot tell your brain to stop doing what it's doing. You can only redirect the energy. It's like managing a toddler only it lives inside of you and will never ever grow up. But, man, get a bunch of ADHD folk together, let them unmask, and it's pure JOY. The last conference I went to ended with a bunch of us 40 year old professional career women literally running around an aquarium in dresses and heels because we were really excited about the shark tank. As frustrated as I feel sometimes, I think there is a real strength to ADHD if you can figure out how to harness it.
I hear you, I see you. I know I only know you tube Charlie in the same way as we present different versions of ourselves whenever we interact. Thank you fòr being here, for sharing such deeply personal thoughts, honestly and openly. I've never had a formal diagnosis of dyslexia, my husband has, and when I tell him tales of my childhood and also how I deal with problems, he reckons I am. I think though I have learnt so many ways to deal with it that on a test Imay well not get a correct diagnosis. So I understand the loss of it being taken away, when in your very being you Know. I wish the world would accept that people's brains work and function differently and that isn't wrong or broken. Just not the same. Uniquely Different. ❤
I love the way you talk about your journey - it's way more approachable and normalized than content creators who are solely focused on talking about neurodivergence. I guess because there's not all the "buzzwords" and academic talk. It's just an every day story. And it really highlights that all neurodivergent people have different experiences, but common themes. I lived with undiagnosed anxiety(and probably a sprinkling of autism) until I got out of college. Once I was diagnosed and medicated for my lifelong anxiety, ADHD started spilling through. I have found myself doing things now that my anxiety would have never allowed. But honestly I'll take the ADHD version of autism over the anxiety version of autism haha.
Thank you for sharing and having these conversations. I only looked into ADHD because of very relatable tumblr memes. Turns out I have both ADHD and autism and didn’t know until recently (late 30s), so your videos are quite timely! I want to respond/relate to so many things here! Instead I’ll say I’m asking similar questions about what part of my brain has masked another enough for me to get this far without diagnosis. And that doesn’t account for all the ways my AuDHD was probably overlooked by others in my life because of stereotypes and me internalizing my struggles.
Honestly, I could have recorded this exact same video almost 3 years ago. We're strikingly similar in SO many ways, I almost feel like an alternate universe version of you haha. I was diagnosed with AuDHD and it was amazing how many things I suddenly had an answer for - to the point that my husband jokes that it's become my whole personality! (To which, of course, I'm like "it literally IS though!") I'm glad you've found comfort in where you are in your journey :)
I'm really happy for you that you've found a place (both in yourself and as a creator) where you feel comfortable talking about this. The majority of my friendship group has one sort of diagnosed neurodivergence or another (or multiple) and I sometimes resonate with some of the things they say, but also they're humans, so I never know if that's the reason I am empathising. I have been told by multiple people "oh, but I don't think of you as neurotypical" which TBH I'm not sure how to interpret, but I just go along with being me and try and be comfortable with everything that entails. (BTW, your video on all the different things your brain does at the same time was SO RELATABLE!! I've never heard anyone explain it so well)
Thank you for sharing your journey, Charlie! I have been relating to you from a core level since I started watching your videos ages ago. We have very similar logical pathways, I also sew my own clothes without ever really using formal patterns, and I have referred to my mental filing cabinet for most of my life. My brain will file away all sorts of minute details, then process them all in the background each time a new piece of relevant information comes in, and start connecting dots to make patterns and fuller pictures that bubble up to the top layer of thought. This is how I also came to a place of self diagnosis for autism back in my late 30's. Only this year, at ripe old 40, did I realize the exact same thing about ADHD potentially being a factor, and a major disruptor to my progress towards goals. It was out of a place of wanting medical help to control the ADHD that I finally got my assessment for both autism & ADHD back in October. Both are now medical professional confirmed, and I am on some awesome meds that have made a huge quality of life impact. I never thought I needed an autism diagnosis, because what good would it do? But the ADHD revelation made it worthwhile.
Thank you. Neuro diversity has thankfully come out so to speak the past few years. My son was diagnosed 20 years ago as having then "aspergers" at 5 years old. I knew he was different but had no other children around to compare to what was "normal" other than school and at 5 all kids are learning and developing at different rates so things weren't glaringly obvious. I was told I wasn't parenting right or giving in blah blah. Once the diagnosis confirmed part of me was happy and validation of my way of parenting him was perfect for his needs, so i could stick 2 fingers up at the judgmental lot (family mainly). I also grieved too, knowing his life wouldn't run a normal course. His sister who is 2 years younger is waiting to be assessed as is her 3 year old son. Seeing their traits has made me question myself too. Since hitting the menopause oh boy has my traits become more apparent 😂. So for all us wonderful Neuro spicy people, life will always have differences, hardships, eases. We are us xxx
This is so totally my story as well. 2 of my children (sons) were diagnosed at 3 and 4 years old with Autism ( they are now in their 20's), and I was told the same thing at first...It wasn't autism, it was my parenting. Which made me even more determined to get the diagnosis. I totally knew that if I was a child in this day and age that I had enough behaviors related to autism that I would have been diagnosed, but that it just wasn't even considered at that time (born in 1970). I didn't think I would pass diagnostic testing now, though...I got too good at masking. Then menopause hit, and all my autistic and ADHD symptoms became too difficult to control any longer. Oh, forgot to mention I also have two daughters with ADHD...LOL. My husband is totally neurotypical, and living in a neuro-spicy house has been challenging to him (especially when things started to go off the rails for me), but he handles it with understanding and love, which I'm so grateful for. I still don't have an "official" diagnosis, but I know I'm AuDHD without a doubt. 😉
Not commenting on your journey, but sharing my experience. But I suspected for a long time that I was autistic and eventually was diagnosed with it. And was told I likely had adhd as well, though they were not qualified to diagnose that. Being Audhd explains a lot of things for me, and I find that my symptoms/experiences align most closely with those who have both rather than those who have one or the other. This was contributor to self-doubt when I was first learning about autism since I was seeking other autistic people who I related to, but not fully. I like your approach of focusing on your own experiences and the way your own brain works.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my mid-thirties, and it was really illuminating and useful to have a framework to think about how my brain works. I had developed systems for managing myself because whooooo boy is the adult world not friendly to ADHD and thus I had to, but now I can develop systems for managing myself with a much higher success rate. Coming to grips with new framework for thinking about the brainmeats was somewhat disorienting, because until very recently I thought everyone was just like this! … and then one by one all of my siblings and close friends got their own diagnoses and I realized my social circle had just self-selected for neurospiciness. It was also really interesting to learn that autism and ADHD often run in families, and to look at my parents and be like “Oh yeah I see where this comes from”. I recently read that hormonal changes can really ramp up ADHD symptoms, so more women are getting diagnosed during menopause, often while going through a diagnosis process for one of their kids. It stands to reason that for people who menstruate, there may be (somewhat predictable) monthly fluctuations in how much the brain is like trying to make a sack full of weasels pretend to be a horse so it can pull a plow.
I also dream like you 😂 but i always accompany it with physical activity. probably a way i stim. no one else seemed to understand it when i was little. Also i got diagnosed with autism when i was young and i am pretty sure i have adhd, but i still get imposter syndrome about it too. and the autism forward thing too! i definitely feel my autism is more in control than any adhd tendencies. i also relate to thinking deeply about things other people ignore or take for granted. i could go on but i think this is enough. your conversation about the way you think and experience the world is so helpful for me, so thank you for sharing it ❤
I'm 44, I have 3 Autistic boys, two are AüDHD. I am also AüDHD with PDA & CPTSD. You're channel was legitimately suggested to me, because quiet literally every youtuber I watch is actually neurodiverse. I love your channels. You're inspirational & I love how you approach, talk about & do things. I highly relate I unschool / homeschooled my boys for 12 years. I think you're amazing! I love how you talk about & through things & your humour / commentary. Yes, AüDHD, CAN have dominate traits. My autism does dominate, traits of OCD too. I 100% relate to what you're saying. I'm a fully qualified, trained & certified Emotions and Metaphysical Kinesiologist and therapist now, to help understand myself and help others. I sleep to binerial beats I cannot listen to books or any form of water sounds or piano.
The main thing holding me back from my self diagnosis was I wasn't sure if I stimmed. I knit or do other crafts constantly and not being able to do them made me twitchy, but did that count? I think it does but what really tipped the scales was realising something I had never noticed before: my toes wiggle constantly. At first I thought I was making it up, that it was happening because I'd been thinking so much about stims and if I had them, but I kept catching it happening. So I asked my wife if she'd noticed it and for how long and it's been happening the entire time she's known me, that she thinks of them as my happy feet (because when my chronic illness is bad they don't happen as much). So yeah... confident I'm autistic.
This. All of this. My grandmother did this, and I do as well. We call it happy feet also... have since I was a kid. This comment makes me grin, and I'm so glad we're not alone!
I'm a self-diagnosed AuDHDer too. I have 4 adult children, and my sons were diagnosed with autism at the ages of 3 and 4. One son was also diagnosed with ADHD at about 12. Then, both daughters ended up with and ADHD diagnosis in their teens. I knew if I had been born in this day and age I would have been diagnosed with autism as a child, but figured I'd learned to "cope" with it and wouldn't pass the diagnostic criteria now. Until I hit menopause...(I'm 54 now), and all the things I was able to control were suddenly too difficult and I felt out of control. Now I know, for a fact, that I'm AuDHD, especially after seeing so many other women on UA-cam sharing their own experience, so I really appreciate you talking about your journey over the past 5 years. And I totally made up stories in my head too (although mine were more like movies) when I was a kid, especially when I was trying to fall asleep. Poor sleep has been a factor in my life for years, and I found the movies helpful, especially distracting me from the constant worry (anxiety) I experienced as a child. Unfortunately, as an adult, I've lost that ability to create worlds in my mind, but I often find going to sleep listening to something, like the TV, helps keep my mind occupied in the same way.
So much of this is so relatable, right down to telling myself stories to fall asleep - I still do! Some of them are in books now! As for my journey, I arrived at “probable autism” pretty early on, didn’t pursue it further, then much later arrived at “oh, I’m actually textbook ADHD,” and then eventually “has you can be both actually, THAT explains it,” and here we are. As for diagnosing oneself: first, most diagnoses start with a self-diagnosis anyway. Nobody’s working to get themselves on a waitlist for funsies! And at least where I live, there’s really no incentive to get officially diagnosed as an adult besides peace of mind, because there are basically no resources for diagnosed adults and your insurance will probably go up, so why bother unless you really really need that validation 🤷🏻
Thank you for so generously sharing! It is jut so comforting to hear parallels in how my brain works in your stories and experience (and intriguing to hear the differences). I "dreamed" to fall asleep at night when I was little too--and to entertain myself on long car rides. And it is so much like what you described and I've never heard someone else talk about their brain working like that. Hearing you describe certain ways your brain works just gives me this sense of camaraderie and this understanding that I'm unique but not alone. I've been on a self-discovery journey this year and done some similar mental list making, researching and reflecting and slowly came to realize that ADHD is a pretty good explanation for my own haunting questions. I did get a formal diagnosis and I was equally terrified that I wouldn't have it and that relief that came with understanding my brain would be taken away. Fortunately for me it wasn't and I have gotten to explore and love my wonderful and wacky brain all the more! All that to say, thanks so much for sharing! I really love hearing your stories and watching your creative explorations on both channels!
The dreaming thing. ... I am relating so hard. I figured out that I'm neurodivergent a few years ago and being diagnosed for almost a year. It changed so much of how I treat myself and unterstanding myself. Childhood as an undiagnosed neurodivergent kid is so hard
I was homeschooled and our mother was autistic so there was a lot of nature vs nurture at play. I was an adult before i was aware that we were not like other people, but didn't really know what that meant. We had also moved from the west coast to the deap south when i was 9 so culture shock probably got a lot of blame. I was in my 30s before i realized that my brain was actually different and there were others like me. Helen Hoang has a series of 3 romance novels written from the perspective of an autistic person (the auther is autistic) and it really helped me realize she was writing about me. Every other representation of an autistic person i had seen before that hadn't quite fit and was probably written by someone who knew someone who was autistic, not by someone who knew what it was like to BE autistic.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I always enjoy your videos. I can relate on so many levels. I come to my own conclusions about myself, too. After writing / deleting my thoughts numerous times on this subject. I decided to just add this comment.
ADHD girl diagnosed in my thirties here. Not sure if you go to therapy, but I found going to an ADHD specific therapist sooo helpful. She has ADHD as well, which makes it even better. I went to therapy for depression for years and I made a lot of progress in a lot of areas, I had a great therapist. But going to an ADHD specific therapist was so validating.
I am loving hearing about your journey while I go through my own. I saw three therapists who all suggested I might be neurodivergent before I started thinking maybe I wasn’t just somehow manipulating them into thinking that. Personally I used to call my generationally long and complex stories in my mind ‘Think-dreaming’ because I was in control of what was happening and, as you said, the term ‘day-dreaming’ really didn’t quite encompass the lifetimes happening in my head.
Really appreciate your videos on your self-discovery journey. I'm a 58yo female coming into "society" from a childhood full of trauma resulting in chronic depression. The existence & awareness of things like ADHD & Autism really wasn't a thing when I was coming up and all sorts of fun hypotheses about what was "wrong with" me ensued for years. By the time I was ready to actually pursue the possibility I might have an autistic brain and dole out the money for an actual diagnosis, I came out of it with an "ADHD, not Autism" dx that was immediately rejected... Subsequent research allowed me to realize that ADHD was most likely part of my mental mix and am still convinced, personally, that I have an Autistic brain also. As an aside, years of having to hide/mask what made me "special" as my mom used to say, landed me in the hospital for surgeries to fix problems exacerbated by the stress of it all. Long-winded me would just end here to say, I have been sharing your "my brain is a symphony" video with quite a number of people and whether either of us finds a "correct label" to describe whatever it is that is going on inside our heads, I enjoy watching your videos partly because I am a needlework/artsy person and partly because I enjoy seeing your moments of joy and frustrations so similar to ones I experience myself. Once upon a time I sent you an instagram to let you know this and this recent self-exploration video seems to have inspired me to reach out again. Best wishes for you, Matt and puppy!
Both my youngest child, an adult, and one of my best friends have recently been diagnosed as auDHD and it was a big relief for both. I had the same experience when I was diagnosed with Bipolor Disorder; it's that "oooohhh, so that's why I act this way" feeling. As females we mask so well that our diagnoses can come so much later.
Your "musings" are why I keep listening (my busy hands need my visual attention) and why I relate. When people assume I need their answers to questions I am posing to myself (I often talk out loud to help me focus), I realize just how different their thinking is from mine. I've no idea if I fit under one, more or any category that other people would recognize. The ones I use for and to myself are things like nitpicky aka detail oriented. I've come to understand where/when ones like that example come up, I can translate for myself whether that particular job posting or other interaction with other brains is going to be good for mine. There are many things I have no words to describe but perhaps chaotic will cover them in a general sense. If a family member asks, "What's up (with you)?" my response is "Jumping bean brain." A bonus to participating in your posts, is reading the comments. It's reassuring, interesting, and, I can absorb some of that empathy/kindness when I need it. I started watching you because of how you sew. I will continue to tune in because of the way you explain things about yourself--oodles of food for thought.
I am an anylyser, and a fixer, so telling me you neither want nor require speculation on your brain was ABSOLUTELY necessary! Thank you for handling it so matter of factly.
It was (I'm going to re-use a word I applied to her in my own comment under this video) a breathtaking example of boundary-setting and assertiveness!
@@rebeccaburnell9319 I KNOW, RIGHT? I LOVE IT!
@@chaostiverdant6196 two thumbs all the way up!
I have AuDHD and I recognize your story. Sometimes the autism masks the ADHD, sometimes it's the other way round. Such a fun combo. /s
I've lost track of the number of times I've said "Thank the Gods for the autism." because I've recognized an ADHD trait in myself that is heavily counterbalanced by it😅
Girl, you don't need to state anything. The people who know just know. I am a late diagnosed female with adult ADHD. I am also an artist. Girls/women are all but ignored in the medical field in relation to autism and ADHD as they are most often thought of as a male problem & we present differently than males. I can very much relate to your personality traits & find them entertaining as they often mirror mine. The main difference for me being that I am a major people person, but when that battery is low, I have to shut down to recharge again. I can't tell you how many times you have made me bust out laughing not because you were being intentionally funny but because you did something so in line with how my brain works that it brought me a burst of pure joy seeing it in a like-minded creator. There is nothing better than seeing a person so much like yourself out there in the world doing awesome things. Thank you for being you.
I'm the only female in my immediate family. Boy do I relate.
I was going to comment in the same vein, but you already said it better 😄 There are so many of us! It’s nice to be in good company here.
I just commented about being diagnosed a few weeks ago at 26 and everything you said here is so perfect.
As a 40yo woman who got diagnosed with autism about 8 years ago and ADHD this year, I find you amazingly relatable. I love your distractions, asides and tangents! I also find the way you make yourself get back on task as a motivational push to make myself find ways of finishing my projects.
I'm glad you're discovering these things about yourself 💖
I’ve been “dreaming” EXACTLY like this my entire life. 30 years later I still do it and have never heard someone describe the same experience. Why does that make me emotional? Who knows but thank you
Same! Been doing this since I was a very young child. I'm delighted to hear that there are others like us who storytell in our own heads.
I’m 46. I do this exact same thing. I believe I’m autistic and adhd, still on two very long waiting lists for diagnosis though. I think they are assuming I’ll die of old age first.
Me too! And i never talked to anyone about it until recently (months ago, actually). It's so libetaring to hear and read other people talking about it, it giver a huge sense of relief for me.
Yes exactly, when i was younger this storytelling dreaming was my only way to lull myself to sleep, and if ever i “resolved” all of my ongoing storylines (or just got bored of them) i would find myself in a period of intense boredom, that reads to me now as something resembling depression, because it would affect my ability to find anything fun to do, because i was missing that background noise of fun stories to fill up all of my empty time.
I too have done the same “writing a book in my head” to fall asleep for many many years. I am 67 and have also never heard of anyone else that does this, so nice to find out I am not alone!
Ahh, gotta love being women in our 20s and 30s finally realizing all the ways we're neurospicy! Glad you are feeling the support.
And 40s! I got my dual dx of AuDHD when I was 42.
It doesn’t seem to be as much fun when you’re realising it in your late 40s and early 50s! Maybe it’s the stress of couple of extra decades of masking… but, I’m glad I’m there finally.
Add 40's to that list! I feel like I'm way behind.
How about only discovering it when you're in your 60s, after being told your whole life that you are crazy and lazy.
@FlamorineFashions-yy7ji Omg "lazy" is the word I've learned to hate the most! I'm glad you finally got your answers.
I was drawn to your channel because I saw so much of myself in you. That lead me down a year long road to getting diagnosed AuDHD at 43 years old. Thank you for the spark I needed to explore my own brain and figure out why I always felt so alien around people.
Congrats on getting diagnosed. It's a wonderful thing to gain information and help yourself function to whatever heights you wish to get to. Use your gift, be you regardless of what others may think.
As someone with late-diagnosed AuDHD (with autism that keeps the ADHD in check, funnily enough), I really relate to your neurodivergence discovery journey. And, frankly, you know yourself and what you struggle with best. There are lots of reasons why people do (or don't) get diagnosed, from financial inaccessibility to simply not caring about the label. Personally, I only went through with it so that I didn't have to fight employers for workplace accommodations. Thank you for your authenticity and transparency, and for showing people that setting strong boundaries is okay (and necessary!).
As a new-ishly self-identified autistic woman at age 51, one of my considerations that may end up pushing me to get a formal diagnosis is the thought that someday, it's likely enough that I'll need to go into care as an elderly person (clear of mind or otherwise), and what happens if I don't have a diagnosis through that process?
I'm unfortunately fairly sure that even diagnosed autistic people aren't properly accommodated, in terms of their sensory issues etc... but I figure I'm even *less* likely to be given any accommodations if the diagnosis isn't even there. And then potentially medicated with sedatives, too, if my resulting behaviour is "difficult" to manage.
idk. I know it's just a hypothetical, but it seems like a reasonable thing for me to consider (I'm on Disability, so there are no workplace accommodations to worry about; senior healthcare seems to be one of the most pressing that's relevant to my situation)
your journey discovering your own neurodivergence is almost identical to mine! especially the feelings of not wanting to become "more autistic" just because you looked up the symptoms, and relating so much to other autistic peoples' experiences but dreading the idea of a clinician saying you're not autistic, because completing a self-discovery journey just to have its conclusion denied would be devastating (at least for me, personally).
in my own journey, i came to the conclusion that i was autistic after spending months going down the autism research black hole (and i still get imposter syndrome even after getting an official diagnosis), but in researching what autism in AFAB people is like, i noticed that autism didn't explain everything for me, yet i related so, so much to the experiences of people who would call out that they had adhd too (thank you to the reddit and youtube communities built around women with autism!). i also feel that i'm more "autism-forward" (and i think this is very common for audhd-ers, too; to have one or the other be more pronounced yet also have their autism and adhd kind of "cancel out" and therefore not realize they have either until later in life), but the combination makes so much more sense for me than just one or the other. thank you for talking so openly about this, charlie - your videos are great!
You verbalized a lot of my thoughts so perfectly! I don't relate as much on the ADHD front, but I've thought almost the exact same things about questioning an autism diagnosis, but being scared to pursue diagnosis and also not wanting to influence my brain and start "acting" autistic because I've consumed content about it?
All the tangents and asides is one of the things that keep me interested.
I don't know if anybody remembers pop up video on VH1, but that was the best thing ever for my brain before the internet. I got music I like to listen to and cool facts. But there wasn't a rewind button and I didn't own a vhs player
As someone who believes they are on the spectrum, and several other people close to me have pegged me as such, this video is very comforting and confirming. Thank you.
I got diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago, at the age of 55. I relate so heavily to the dawning realisation that I might have neurodivergance, worrying that a diagnosis would be me just projecting what I'd learned, and going round in circles for quite a while. It did help that both my husband and my best friend independently affirmed me as soon as I started to voice my thoughts. It WAS a huge relief to get the professional diagnosis, but it took me three years to run up to facing that. I'm here to support which ever route you take with it.
OMG! This is me! The story in your head, you need to finish, before being able to concentrate on something else? ME! You explain this so well!! Thank you for that
I relate to this experience on so many levels, from the 'fear' of having this explanation taken away, to worrying about what other people will say/think, to the path from believing I have autism, to then also realizing I have ADHD. I have been diagnosed with both this year, and it's been a HUGE relief. Good luck with your journey, and lots of love to you.
This entire video DEEPLY resonated with me especially the part about wondering if you are autistic and then realizing that perhaps there is another aspect with the ADHD. It just didn't look like the ADHD in the people around me. I was organized and detail oriented where my siblings were distracted and forgetful. I could concentrate for hours! (if the topic was interesting of course)
I also had the same fears as you if I get formally diagnosed, what if they tell me I'm wrong? Do I even knowing myself then? What have all these years of rumination and fears been for?
For me, turns out I was not wrong at all and was diagnosed as AuDHD this year in my late thirties. It was incredibly scary and nerve-wracking to go through testing but it's also been very healing to work with my also AuDHD therapist. A lot of it is just me talking out my thoughts with someone to guide me or question my "rules".
I hope your journey continues to be fruitful!
as someone who is 36 with the combo platter of adhd and autism I love to see that its being talked about so much more now and that everyone can share their stories and relate to strangers they have never met. also I loved the straight forward "I'm not asking for help" cause I immediately want to help but the firm but kind no thank you is very helpful for me to be like "ok you got it!"
Charlie, I'm 44, and I've been asking myself similar questions to you for several years now. Thank you for telling me that it's ok to do so, and that it's also ok to not want the faff and hoop jumping that one has to go through in order to pursue a formal diagnosis.
You have no idea how much chats like these mean yo me.
Just commiserating here, letting others know they aren't alone.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my early-thirties and speaking to the psychologist who diagnosed me, it really explained why I had difficulty with things that other people found common and easy. It also helped explain why I tended to think about things the way I did. Why i come up with 40+ scenarios for every action and end up so overwhelmed that I do nothing. Why my memory has always been bad. Why I hyper focus, then abandon projects.
And also why my mum (bless her soul, she was amazing) taught me how to make lists every morning with every single thing I had to do, in order. From wake up, get dressed, toilet, breakfast, walk to bus stop.... It kept me focused and able to function. And i still have to do make those daily lists to this day. When I forget to make my daily list, I'm lost, and I literally forget to eat. The coping mechanisms she taught me before anyone even knew that my brain didn't work like other people's are still working to help me to this day.
She used to tell me, there's no such thing as normal. Everyone's different. Everyone's brain works differently. Everyone learns in different ways. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. Being different *is normal*.
And being told from a young age that there is nothing *wrong* with my brain, that it's not different, it just works the way I need it to work. Being told that every brain is different actually helped me feel included rather than ostracized, helped me develop good social skills and gave me the courage to seek out a professional diagnosis when i was older.
She did tell me later on, she tried to get me diagnosed as a child, but the school psychologist basically told her that girl's don't have ADHD (the 80s were a wild time in mental health), and that really discouraged her from trying to get me outside help so she read everything she could about ADHD, and tried to help me by herself, hoping that I would learn coping mechanisms, and if i wanted to do so, I would get diagnosed on my own.
oh my gosh, I love your mother too ♥
All the tangets and asides is one of the things that keep me interested.
I was diagnosed with adhd a few weeks ago and the part about writing stories in your head so good you couldn't focus on your homework has me on the verge of tears. You're making me rewrite my childhood through the lens of being an undiagnosed child, not some weird little girl. Thank you, Charlie.
I grew up with two neurodivergent brothers (ADD and ADHD+dyslexia) and compared to them and other close friends with different diagnoses I seem more neurotypical.
I've suspected for a long time that I might be on the spectrum but was high functional enough not to need the diagnosis. But the worse my ME/CFS has gotten the less I can compensate for problems due to what is probably AuDHD.
It's taken two years and the two different psychologists that I've met with so far definitely thinks I might be Audhd and should continue to be assessed. It's a waiting game at this point.
Your video on layers really hit home, I shared it with a few friends because it is the best description of how my mind and senses work that I have ever experienced. I watched it and went "yup, thats me. No wonder I'm so mentally exhausted all the time."
We all really need to talk more about what we experience and feel, both on the inside and outside, because when I've talked to or watched videos by neurodivergent people I can get aha-moments about stuff that I believed was absolutely normal and something everybody experienced.
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 36 but as perimenopause started messing with my brain the autistic symptoms started coming out more loudly and it has completely obliterated my executive functioning and ability to sync through projects and concepts so I haven't even been able to work on any of my hobbies in months because I can literally feel the brain calories being consumed for nothing.
"No wonder I'm so mentally exhausted all the time."
Also, - perimenopause messing with my brain and obliterated my executive function -
These two things hit so hard I stalled mentally.
Makes me curious if any of the rx that go with any of these dx would help me.
In February a colleague at work raised the suspicion that I was autistic. The reason for her suspicion was my social anxiety, which became a huge phobia. Through a systematic investigation, made by my neurologist and psychologist together, I found out I'm ADHD and also exceptionally gifted. I understand the relief you talk about because I also have a huge desire to understand why I've always been so different! It's nice to know that my brain is atypical and it took away my guilt for not acting like a neurotypic person.
Very important clarification around 13:35 - it is *hard* to ask rhetorical questions on the internet! (Also, I personally rarely recognize rhetorical questions *as* rhetorical unless they are pointed out to be such.)
While there is an increasing amount of autistic representation in media, and also "characters that the showmakers don't explicitly say is autistic but who are widely interpreted as such by the audience", I think I've only ever seen one character in a movie outright say "I have ADHD" - the gang of thieves' car mechanic in 'The Fast and the Furious'. One of my teachers put that movie on right before vacation back in Grade 7 or 8, when I had an ADHD diagnosis but hadn't heard of autism yet, and that line jumped out at me.
You have every right to be you, and believe yourself to be something. Please don't change for anyone. I love these videos as they are like a chat with a friend.
Charlie, thank you so much for this video. I'm early on in my self discovery journey, but I am coming to very similar conclusions about myself. The relief I feel when you talk about this is huge. I have a real issue with feeling like I'm faking it, and also a real fear that a professional would tell me I'm wrong about myself. I can't tell you how validating it is to hear you say the same thing. There are so many things I could point to and say "Same!" , but instead I'll just say that you have made me feel so seen, and that I see you too. Thank you for being so open about yourself and your journey.
Well, I’m really glad for this. I’m 51, and spent the day writing a narrative on my life in prep for an autism assessment. I started looking into it and myself about 5 years ago, too. Watching you over the last year(ish) has really helped me look at my studio practice in a whole new way - basically, I have learned from you that my creativity is mine. Not sure what clicked that into place that you did, but I appreciate you being out there.
Thank you for sharing your journey. As a mom to three young men who are all autistic, two with ADHD to and interest, a lot of what you have to share makes sense. I'm in my late 40s and have had a few friends in my close circle recently officially diagnosed with ADHD which has caused me to question where my brain is at... I've come to the conclusion that I'm neurodivergent, but feel no need to waste money on official diagnosis at the moment.
Thank you very much for the explicit instruction it came at a great point!
I really liked how you concluded with what’s really the good of having language to identify ourselves, community. I know I’ve been searching for that perfect way to say “I am me but I’m also kinda like some of you, we can be friends”
I love your asides and tangents (they are very much a part of how I think and communicate too) and your recent video about your brain being an orchestra was glorious. I don't think my brain has quite so many levels at all times, but the way you described it was beautiful and made so much sense. Thank you for talking about this stuff.
I love hearing your perspective about your brain! You communicate so clearly, and I deeply appreciate how you set out your boundaries. You're someone I really admire. I've been unmasking long-standing brain injury symptoms on about the same timeline as you've been unmasking yours, and I can't help but think that you contributed to me getting comfortable enough to do that. Thank you for helping me to feel secure enough to stop masking, and thank you for every video you post! 😊
Charlie - you are just simply, utterly awesome! Love everything about this 💜
'Learn to love them in all their tangled messiness' - that line hit home, cause thats where i'm at with my own brain right now
“Writing books in my head” is a PERFECT description. I completely relate to this and also did the same thing! I also suspect I am Audhd. I was screened for ADHD and scored high and have responded well to medication. So that pretty much tells me what I need to know. But there are so many unexplained things that compete with adhd that make me think I may be autistic
Love the clear boundaries you are setting! Thanks for sharing your experience.
As someone who’s ADHD was masked by my Anxiety my entire adult life I can relate. Our brains are so complex; it is amazing how the layers can all interact.
This is so cool that you are talking about this right now. My entire life I’ve always been teased about how similar I am to my oldest brother, and he recently got diagnosed with autism. I have always studied how my brain works, and as I was studying about autism because I wanted to understand him better, I realized how much I relate to, and how much I think I’ve been masking. So I’m pretty sure I’m autistic, and my brother has actually voiced that he thinks I’m autistic. Another part about studying how my brain works, is because I noticed how different I was to other kids. They were talking and socializing, whereas I was sitting by myself and creating stories in my head. I’ve also noticed a reflex that I have whenever there are a lot of people, or it’s loud, (I also have a songs pretty much constantly playing in my head) the song I have playing in my head will get really loud, or I’ll start creating a story even if I don’t want to. So I have been chatting with my brother about all this, and he relates to most of it, so it’s been a journey.
Thank you ❤ I too am self diagnosing and analysing my own brain.
It’s so nice hearing other women discussing their own experiences.
You’ve just given me a BRILLIANT idea for when I have kids!!!!!! Make sure they all have notebooks and pencils with them and if they have something in their minds distracting them, like stories, they can just stop and write them down!!!!!!
This is probably what you mean, but I would rather it was “encourage them to” rather than “make sure they” do something/anything. I had a mum that always tried to make me write down everything because it’s what she liked doing. I hate it. I don’t know if I hate it because she made me do it, or if it’s because I actually don’t like it, or if it’s because it turns out I have some processing issues and learning disabilities with writing, but it caused me a lot of stress growing up.
@ yes, you understood what I was saying. And I could totally understand if my child didn’t want to write anything down. A notebook and pencil would still be beneficial for clearing their mind. Maybe they could draw, or even just scribble. If it helps them focus. I would LOVE to be able to get everything out of my head but my mind thinks faster than I can write. And I’ve had SO MANY people tell me that I should journal. I hate journaling. When I was with my local mental health place I told my case manager that I hate journaling. What did she have for me the next time I had a meeting with her? A journal. Which she expected me to use. After yet again telling her I don’t ever want to journal
I think you are incredibly brave to share so much of yourself in a place that is not always receptive and people love to shame and ridicule. I appreciate your honesty and enjoy listening to you. Keep up the good work!! ❤
I relate so hard to that feeling of relief when you find an explanation for yourself that makes everything click into place.
When a teacher suggested I get my kid evaluated for ADHD, I researched it in a totally normal way: by buying a 900-page medical textbook on the latest research and reading it cover to cover. I was only a couple chapters in when I saw a particular phrase: "low frustration tolerance". I stared at that phrase thinking "Wait ... that's one of my most annoying personality traits. Is it an ADHD thing??" and it was like one of those Magic Eye pictures suddenly came into focus. All of a sudden things I'd struggled with my whole life made SENSE, I wasn't just lazy and childish, I had something measurably different in my brain function -- not wrong, not broken, just different. Reading that textbook helped me advocate for myself as well as my kid, and now we both have a better understanding of how our brains work and medication to help adjust ourselves when we need to work differently.
Ironically I also got some non-textbook "regular people" books on ADHD from the library and I just ... couldn't get through them. Kept getting bored or distracted or getting to the end of a page and realizing I hadn't actually read anything on it. Turns out I needed that high-density textbook information format, just far enough out of my academic experience that I had to look up words I didn't know.
whoa
"turns out I needed that high-density textbook information format..."
uh.... yeah.
I've never heard anyone utter anything resembling that string of words before, but yeah.
many times, "regular" books aren't interesting somehow. To the point of not being able to bother picking them up and even just trying them.
But give me a big ol' textbook and I' in heaven, possibly discovering a new topic of hyperfocus interest that I'd never even considered before... I just thought the Brick Of Knowledge on the shelf looked like it might have something to say so I picked it up...
Honestly, even after I reached the point where I felt comfortable saying that I’m autistic, the imposter syndrome feelings were a recurring visitor until I had my formal assessment.
Just to give that a timeline, I learned that autism exists when my eldest was diagnosed at 2. By the time he was 4 I started finding answers to a lot of questions about myself in what I learned about autism to improve my parenting of him. 13 years after that my stepdaughter was also diagnosed in her teens and I learned more about how it appears in girls and women and started to feel comfortable identifying as autistic. And then four years later I finally got my diagnosis at age 40. So it took me the best part of two decades to figure out something that, when I’ve disclosed my diagnosis to those who know me well, was apparently so obvious to others that their response is usually “yeah, that makes sense!” 🤦♀️😂
I think the level of your self-knowledge is commendable.
Thank you for voicing so many of these things. They overlap with so much of what I have been thinking myself about all of that only for me to dismiss it as just being stupid or silly (echoing what I've been told from others), and it's helped knowing that someone else has many of those thoughts as well. Even the stories to sleep to, though I started managing with audiobooks instead.
And now I worry about what I've written, go figure.
My husband is in the process of being diagnosed with autism, after having his ADHD diagnosis for a few years now. For a while I thought I had ADHD as well, but as it turned out my working memory is very full and I’m in the gifted category, making for a lovely messy head (and space around me).
If you are AuDHD, that would explain why I love following your stuff as the non-linear and creative way my husband’s brain works is one of the reasons why I love him as much as I do. Thank you for giving us a glimpse of how yours works. We appreciate it.
When I was a kid in the ‘70s, autistics were the shut-in kids. You know, the ones who sat in a corner, rocking and couldn’t speak. They also couldn’t have diagnosed me as ADD/ADHD ‘cause those things didn’t have names.
It wasn’t until my nephew was diagnosed with Asperger’s (now a discredited term named for an actual Nazi) that I started looking deeper into my issues and was tested to learn that at the very least ADD goes along with my learning disabilities (yay, Disgraphia!). Am I on the autistic spectrum? Maybe, maybe not. But like you, Charlie, I’ve come up with lots of coping mechanisms that allow me to more or less function in the world, as well as carving my own niche to fit into.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and journey! You are great company as I sit and sew (which is how I make my living).
Neurodivergence is a significant thing in my family, across multiple generations. We're talking ADHD, autism, schizophrenia, and a few other brain variants for good measure.
Because I've seen so much of it up close and personal, you amaze me with everything you do. It can be overwhelming, even with professional help, and it's marvelous you've reached a point where you can analyze yourself and express yourself with such clarity and self-assurance.
I’m 59 years old. We were not allowed to be divergent in my childhood Having said that, I totally get you. Understanding your mind is key, everyone else, meh. Love your style ❤
Super relate to your journey, which is probably why I find your videos so wonderful! Thank you for all you do, especially being you!
Oh my goodness, this makes so much sense to my brain!
I understand and have felt what you’ve talked about. Entirely. I’m glad you find comfort and confidence with self diagnosis.
Whats crazy to me is ive kinda of gone on this exact same journey as you in probably almost the exact same time line. A lot of the things you've said are also things ive thought and asked myself as well. Its interesting that this monologue could very well have almost come from myself. Keep being you Charlie. From one hermit to another, thanks for being here. ❤
Thank you for setting such clear boundaries about what kind of comments you want and don't want. My ADHD means I'm on constant analysis mode and I know that feeling of answered questions so well that I just want to answer them. I really apologize if my comments have crossed that line into armchair diagnosis in the past. I relate to you a lot thanks for sharing all your experiences! It offers some validation for the still unanswered questions in my head.
Thank you so much for sharing your brain 🧠 journey with us. I’m learning lots, some things resonate with me and other things remind me of friends. I believe we are all our own kind of weird 😅😊. Thank you for being you ❤🙏
I love these introspective chats, because i'm kind of on that same journey of self discovery, but i'm still on the level of "i think it's plausible". I definitely relate to the not wanting to research and only analysing yourself thing. My fear, as probably many experience, is that if i read and research too much on the subject, all my experiences will be "tainted" and it will be impossible to tell if i'm faking it because i read about it and "want the label so much" or if it's truly my experience with no outside force involved. I feel like an imposter in so many spheres of my life already, i don't really want to add another on top lol. But you know, being autistic would answer so many "is this why i do/feel X?" questions i have, and it would be awefully convenient and simple if the answer was yes, but what if i'm just normal, whatever normal means? Am i trying to be special and different just for the fun of it? Anyway. I'm at that stage in my self analysis 😅
I'm really glad you've started this channel, especially because I'm finding out that I am similar to what you've been expressing on your channel. Its been really relieving to hear your experiences. I've been on a journey of self exploration for about a year now as I've been staying home to raise my son. Its been interesting to watch my masks fall off and realize that I've been hiding so much from myself for years. Im just now learning that i have extreme sensitivity issues (I can't stand a dirty floor because crumbs stick to my feet and drive me crazy.) And i didn't know i had all these things. I also have realized that like you, my probable adhd and autism have been fighting each other and so I maintain a semblemce of normalacy because of that.
Thank you for sharing your stories.
I managed to keep everything together as an undiagnosed autistic girl/woman (with increasing difficulty), until I became a mother. All of a sudden everything fell off the rails hardcore.
It took probably 10 years of therapy before I began to learn how to scratch at the *surface* of my mask, and then for the next 9 years of therapy I slowly uncovered bits and pieces of its surface, and even see underneath through a crack or two, unsure of what I was discovering.
Started paying attention to autism 3 years ago (when things I was finally realizing in therapy started to create *weird* moments of intense recognition to things some autistic people described), and really began researching a year after that. Put the final pieces together in January.
Turns out part of the reason everything was so difficult (as an undiagnosed person in general, as well as even just figuring out that there was a mask to begin with) was because I'd repressed the sensory stuff so completely (because it was presented to me as utterly unacceptable when I was a kid) that I've kind-of turned off the signals your body would normally send you to tell you STOP, NO, OMG NO... or at least, muffle them to an incredible extent.
Can cause all sorts of *other* knock-on/ripple-effect problems for how you experience & make sense of life. Beginning to learn how to listen to your body again (and to take it seriously and then make accommodations for yourself) is... idk.
Intense.
... I'm glad you're finding answers (and hopefully, accommodations) ♥
As someone with adhd. Routine is really important to my mood and productivity. Its just also very hard to self impose. If your systems are working for you then thst is excellent
It’s been really enlightening being in a friend group with people who have autism, people who have adhd, and people who have both. Seeing who says “same” to descriptions of certain things has made me quite aware of which traits adhd and autism share, and which they don’t
I love your videos. No matter how your brain works, it is a joy to watch them. Whatever causes your brain to do what it does, I think you are brilliant. I hope you find the answers to the questions you are asking.
I have ADHD, hubby has autism. The symptoms can overlap, and often do. I definitely relate more to your channels more than he would, but that's because of crafty chaos! And the pupper (he's a cat guy)
I feel every sentence you said. I've been fairly certain for over a decade that I am on the spectrum as well as ADD. I don't feel the need for an official diagnosis, but like you, have my own belief and methods of understanding and managing.
I've never heard anyone else explain the 'stories'. It's really nice to hear someone else does the same thing.
Absolutely love this! So many things I relate to, and some that I don't. Thank you for all you do to make fun safe places online!
I was drawn to your other page because I wanted to try to sew a garment and was scared to try. Your willingness to show your 'fails' just made it seem less scary for me to get in there and try. You don't only show your perfected projects, you "show your work" for the good and bad and I appreciate that. I find you very relatable and you've taught me lots of things about sewing and fabrics along the way. I am extremely socially awkward and you crack me up about your aversion to social interactions because I can really relate to that. I like your honesty and stories and your "I'm just gonna wing it" philosophy because, aren't we all? I wish you all the best and I look forward to your next project. 😊
p.s. I didn't put that link in there, promise. 😂
You’re so relatable, and I appreciate your vulnerability.
There's been a number of times where I've started watching a creative youtuber, thought 'I really like her vibe, she's so cool and relatable', and then she says she's neurodivergent. Relatable indeed.
And getting diagnosed with ADHD somehow did not stop the feelings that I might be misreading my symptoms, even after I stopped masking as much.
I appreciate the video and the in depth and thoughtful look at this. I certainly think different than most everyone I know except my family, (we all have something bit off) but even with that I find it really exhausting having everyone need a label and to be different. It’s refreshing to here someone say “yeah I probably could be a bit autistic or adhd, but I don’t want to seek further to get confrimation bias”
If looking it up is helpful to understanding yourself than great, but containing yourself to a box is very confining. We all have struggles and ways we are different, you found ways to work with the brain you have and it’s created a wonderfully cool person. That’s all I really care to know :)
I was dignosed ADHD about 4 months ago....at 39.....it explains SO much! I'm glad you have embraced your nerodivertents. How you are and being so ok with it makes me so happy and very inspiring
I’ll only be one of *checks the comments* A LOT of people who relates to this, but… yeah.
I learned that if I’m drawn to someone, they have like 90% chances to have some kind of Autism, probably Audhd. Pattern recognition ✨ Similar ways of communication ✨ similar life experiences ✨
I tryyyyy very hard not to peer-diagnose people on the spot, but sometimes I have to at least hint at it, because they seem so lost.
I stumbled upon your channel…Idk which video it was, but about 5min in, I had strong suspicions. At the end, I knew.
Thank you for being your wonderfully chaotic self on the internet ! I think it helps a lot of people.
I relate to your neurodivergence videos *so much*. Thank you for sharing. ❤
I started looking into ADHD when several of my friends were diagnosed within a year of each other around the start of the pandemic. Having done a self-assessment with a therapist, I've gotten as far as "Yeah, it's probably something ADHD-esque" but that's very different from seeing a psychiatrist and getting a proper diagnosis. I'm in the same boat as you, though - even with the support of a professional therapist, I'm afraid to see a psychiatrist and be told that I'm just making it up somehow, and that any struggles are just laziness. So I get the fear, and I appreciate your vulnerability in expressing it.
Be whatever you are! I love your vids regardless. Instead of my autism keeping my adhd in check, my adhd keeps my autism in check- but now that I'm medicated, when I am medicated my Autism, especially my sensory issues, goes THROUGH THE ROOOOOOF.
Yes I do relate to all you have said today. I have been on my own self discovery the last couple of years, learning to unmask, learning what works and what not works for me. I'm not diagnosed because that would require me to do it and that alone is very overwhelming. but I know I am adhd and ocd, I consider myself a functioning neurospicy gal. I have made my quirks work for me the best I can. Thank you for sharing your story, It is always wonderful to know we are not alone.
Oh. My. GOODNESS!! This is painfully relatable. I'm holding back tears. I'm nearly 54 & I've been really learning about my brain for the past few years, since moving to a rural area & working in an extremely small hospital. I have been criticized & critiqued & torn apart for who I am & how I work by my the manager and it's really made me reflect. I DON'T act like most of the people around me. I don't have the same process. I am extremely distractable but also so organized & orderly & hyper focused. I HATE disruptions to my course. But 50+/- years ago, nobody talked about autism or ADHD. Any odd behaviors were behavior problems and were "corrected" by punishment of some sort. I don't feel like I need to be diagnosed at this point, because I at least know how I can work my life to function fairly well & a diagnosis won't change anything. But the depression & anxiety from being harshly judged by others who don't know me at all feeds the "monster" and tends to make me completely nonfunctional when I'm not at work.
I've thought about trying to start my own business, but the idea is also so overwhelming that I don't know where to start. I think it would be amazing to start a professional TikTok and UA-cam, but fear of failure is paralyzing. 24+ years of nursing is taking a toll on my physical & mental health, and my brain freezes with the fear of change. I know I can't keep going how I am but don't know how to start making the changes I need.
Thank you for sharing your story. I so appreciate the safe space you have. ❤
Mari 💔
That paralysis is SO overwhelming. I'm 51 and fear of failure was a thing that kept me fully frozen for *decades* (I couldn't even put a name to it, it was so deeply buried, so it took a LOT of work in therapy to start to move through it, and that first bit of progress was only relatively recently so I'm still in the thick of a lot of it).
I believe in you . ♥ Be kind to yourself about the fear, and BE CURIOUS! Follow the curiosity, wherever it leads you, and *especially* if it leads you into anything resembling "play" or "playfulness." It may or may not solve anything, but it will improve your experience of life.
@@rebeccaburnell9319 thank you for your kinds words. Acknowledging that part of me & that fear was a pretty big step for me. My brain is my worst enemy, dreaming up great ideas but also telling me I can't. Baby steps, as they say. I know why, now I have to find the help & support for the big step into action. Preferably not a dramatic one!
@@maribrown1361 do what you can to savour every drop of victory from every baby step you manage to take, no matter how far you still are from your "goal" after you've taken that step. Don't let anyone tell you a single one of those victories is irrelevant.
I say to myself "ah, that person doesn't know; I wish they did understand why this thing is an important victory to me, but they don't. That's OK, I'm not going to let their lack of understanding rob me of enjoying my victory today. Because I know how much it took, for me to make it happen. And it's amazing that I did it."
Or something like that, lol.
Oh boy, do I relate. I feel like my journey rhymes with yours.
I got diagnosed with ADHD when I was 40 so I completely relate to the whole "child-you figured out how to manage your own brain so no one knew you had a problem." I started suspecting something was wrong in graduate school (but, yeah, looking back... let's just say the signs were there). I remember I walked into the therapist's office and asked about getting assessed for ADHD and they told me it would have been impossible for me to get into graduate school if I had ADHD so they weren't going to do the assessment. Years passed. I got a career in the sciences but I was having a really hard time keeping my life together. I contacted a therapist who, again, told me it was impossible. But now I had friends who were scientists with formal diagnoses so this time I insisted. The results were hilariously clear and gave me relief for the first time in years. I wasn't stupid, or irresponsible. I was neurodivergent.
I've been getting better and better at accepting my brain as it is and learning new and better ways to manage it. It's exactly as you describe - you cannot fight the ADHD. You cannot tell your brain to stop doing what it's doing. You can only redirect the energy. It's like managing a toddler only it lives inside of you and will never ever grow up. But, man, get a bunch of ADHD folk together, let them unmask, and it's pure JOY. The last conference I went to ended with a bunch of us 40 year old professional career women literally running around an aquarium in dresses and heels because we were really excited about the shark tank. As frustrated as I feel sometimes, I think there is a real strength to ADHD if you can figure out how to harness it.
I hear you, I see you. I know I only know you tube Charlie in the same way as we present different versions of ourselves whenever we interact.
Thank you fòr being here, for sharing such deeply personal thoughts, honestly and openly.
I've never had a formal diagnosis of dyslexia, my husband has, and when I tell him tales of my childhood and also how I deal with problems, he reckons I am. I think though I have learnt so many ways to deal with it that on a test Imay well not get a correct diagnosis. So I understand the loss of it being taken away, when in your very being you Know. I wish the world would accept that people's brains work and function differently and that isn't wrong or broken. Just not the same. Uniquely Different. ❤
I love the way you talk about your journey - it's way more approachable and normalized than content creators who are solely focused on talking about neurodivergence. I guess because there's not all the "buzzwords" and academic talk. It's just an every day story. And it really highlights that all neurodivergent people have different experiences, but common themes.
I lived with undiagnosed anxiety(and probably a sprinkling of autism) until I got out of college. Once I was diagnosed and medicated for my lifelong anxiety, ADHD started spilling through. I have found myself doing things now that my anxiety would have never allowed. But honestly I'll take the ADHD version of autism over the anxiety version of autism haha.
Thank you for sharing and having these conversations. I only looked into ADHD because of very relatable tumblr memes. Turns out I have both ADHD and autism and didn’t know until recently (late 30s), so your videos are quite timely! I want to respond/relate to so many things here! Instead I’ll say I’m asking similar questions about what part of my brain has masked another enough for me to get this far without diagnosis. And that doesn’t account for all the ways my AuDHD was probably overlooked by others in my life because of stereotypes and me internalizing my struggles.
Honestly, I could have recorded this exact same video almost 3 years ago. We're strikingly similar in SO many ways, I almost feel like an alternate universe version of you haha. I was diagnosed with AuDHD and it was amazing how many things I suddenly had an answer for - to the point that my husband jokes that it's become my whole personality! (To which, of course, I'm like "it literally IS though!") I'm glad you've found comfort in where you are in your journey :)
I'm really happy for you that you've found a place (both in yourself and as a creator) where you feel comfortable talking about this. The majority of my friendship group has one sort of diagnosed neurodivergence or another (or multiple) and I sometimes resonate with some of the things they say, but also they're humans, so I never know if that's the reason I am empathising. I have been told by multiple people "oh, but I don't think of you as neurotypical" which TBH I'm not sure how to interpret, but I just go along with being me and try and be comfortable with everything that entails. (BTW, your video on all the different things your brain does at the same time was SO RELATABLE!! I've never heard anyone explain it so well)
Thank you for sharing your journey, Charlie! I have been relating to you from a core level since I started watching your videos ages ago. We have very similar logical pathways, I also sew my own clothes without ever really using formal patterns, and I have referred to my mental filing cabinet for most of my life. My brain will file away all sorts of minute details, then process them all in the background each time a new piece of relevant information comes in, and start connecting dots to make patterns and fuller pictures that bubble up to the top layer of thought. This is how I also came to a place of self diagnosis for autism back in my late 30's. Only this year, at ripe old 40, did I realize the exact same thing about ADHD potentially being a factor, and a major disruptor to my progress towards goals. It was out of a place of wanting medical help to control the ADHD that I finally got my assessment for both autism & ADHD back in October. Both are now medical professional confirmed, and I am on some awesome meds that have made a huge quality of life impact. I never thought I needed an autism diagnosis, because what good would it do? But the ADHD revelation made it worthwhile.
Thank you. Neuro diversity has thankfully come out so to speak the past few years. My son was diagnosed 20 years ago as having then "aspergers" at 5 years old. I knew he was different but had no other children around to compare to what was "normal" other than school and at 5 all kids are learning and developing at different rates so things weren't glaringly obvious. I was told I wasn't parenting right or giving in blah blah. Once the diagnosis confirmed part of me was happy and validation of my way of parenting him was perfect for his needs, so i could stick 2 fingers up at the judgmental lot (family mainly). I also grieved too, knowing his life wouldn't run a normal course. His sister who is 2 years younger is waiting to be assessed as is her 3 year old son. Seeing their traits has made me question myself too. Since hitting the menopause oh boy has my traits become more apparent 😂.
So for all us wonderful Neuro spicy people, life will always have differences, hardships, eases. We are us xxx
This is so totally my story as well. 2 of my children (sons) were diagnosed at 3 and 4 years old with Autism ( they are now in their 20's), and I was told the same thing at first...It wasn't autism, it was my parenting. Which made me even more determined to get the diagnosis. I totally knew that if I was a child in this day and age that I had enough behaviors related to autism that I would have been diagnosed, but that it just wasn't even considered at that time (born in 1970). I didn't think I would pass diagnostic testing now, though...I got too good at masking. Then menopause hit, and all my autistic and ADHD symptoms became too difficult to control any longer. Oh, forgot to mention I also have two daughters with ADHD...LOL. My husband is totally neurotypical, and living in a neuro-spicy house has been challenging to him (especially when things started to go off the rails for me), but he handles it with understanding and love, which I'm so grateful for. I still don't have an "official" diagnosis, but I know I'm AuDHD without a doubt. 😉
Not commenting on your journey, but sharing my experience. But I suspected for a long time that I was autistic and eventually was diagnosed with it. And was told I likely had adhd as well, though they were not qualified to diagnose that. Being Audhd explains a lot of things for me, and I find that my symptoms/experiences align most closely with those who have both rather than those who have one or the other. This was contributor to self-doubt when I was first learning about autism since I was seeking other autistic people who I related to, but not fully. I like your approach of focusing on your own experiences and the way your own brain works.
Are you me? Cause same, basically
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my mid-thirties, and it was really illuminating and useful to have a framework to think about how my brain works. I had developed systems for managing myself because whooooo boy is the adult world not friendly to ADHD and thus I had to, but now I can develop systems for managing myself with a much higher success rate.
Coming to grips with new framework for thinking about the brainmeats was somewhat disorienting, because until very recently I thought everyone was just like this! … and then one by one all of my siblings and close friends got their own diagnoses and I realized my social circle had just self-selected for neurospiciness.
It was also really interesting to learn that autism and ADHD often run in families, and to look at my parents and be like “Oh yeah I see where this comes from”.
I recently read that hormonal changes can really ramp up ADHD symptoms, so more women are getting diagnosed during menopause, often while going through a diagnosis process for one of their kids. It stands to reason that for people who menstruate, there may be (somewhat predictable) monthly fluctuations in how much the brain is like trying to make a sack full of weasels pretend to be a horse so it can pull a plow.
"trying to make a sack full of weasels pretend to be a horse so it can pull a plow" pretty much sums up my brain, yep.
I also dream like you 😂 but i always accompany it with physical activity. probably a way i stim. no one else seemed to understand it when i was little.
Also i got diagnosed with autism when i was young and i am pretty sure i have adhd, but i still get imposter syndrome about it too. and the autism forward thing too! i definitely feel my autism is more in control than any adhd tendencies.
i also relate to thinking deeply about things other people ignore or take for granted. i could go on but i think this is enough. your conversation about the way you think and experience the world is so helpful for me, so thank you for sharing it ❤
yay
I'm 44, I have 3 Autistic boys, two are AüDHD. I am also AüDHD with PDA & CPTSD.
You're channel was legitimately suggested to me, because quiet literally every youtuber I watch is actually neurodiverse.
I love your channels. You're inspirational & I love how you approach, talk about & do things.
I highly relate
I unschool / homeschooled my boys for 12 years.
I think you're amazing!
I love how you talk about & through things & your humour / commentary.
Yes, AüDHD, CAN have dominate traits.
My autism does dominate, traits of OCD too.
I 100% relate to what you're saying.
I'm a fully qualified, trained & certified Emotions and Metaphysical Kinesiologist and therapist now, to help understand myself and help others.
I sleep to binerial beats
I cannot listen to books or any form of water sounds or piano.
The main thing holding me back from my self diagnosis was I wasn't sure if I stimmed. I knit or do other crafts constantly and not being able to do them made me twitchy, but did that count? I think it does but what really tipped the scales was realising something I had never noticed before: my toes wiggle constantly. At first I thought I was making it up, that it was happening because I'd been thinking so much about stims and if I had them, but I kept catching it happening. So I asked my wife if she'd noticed it and for how long and it's been happening the entire time she's known me, that she thinks of them as my happy feet (because when my chronic illness is bad they don't happen as much). So yeah... confident I'm autistic.
This. All of this. My grandmother did this, and I do as well. We call it happy feet also... have since I was a kid. This comment makes me grin, and I'm so glad we're not alone!
I'm a self-diagnosed AuDHDer too. I have 4 adult children, and my sons were diagnosed with autism at the ages of 3 and 4. One son was also diagnosed with ADHD at about 12. Then, both daughters ended up with and ADHD diagnosis in their teens. I knew if I had been born in this day and age I would have been diagnosed with autism as a child, but figured I'd learned to "cope" with it and wouldn't pass the diagnostic criteria now. Until I hit menopause...(I'm 54 now), and all the things I was able to control were suddenly too difficult and I felt out of control. Now I know, for a fact, that I'm AuDHD, especially after seeing so many other women on UA-cam sharing their own experience, so I really appreciate you talking about your journey over the past 5 years. And I totally made up stories in my head too (although mine were more like movies) when I was a kid, especially when I was trying to fall asleep. Poor sleep has been a factor in my life for years, and I found the movies helpful, especially distracting me from the constant worry (anxiety) I experienced as a child. Unfortunately, as an adult, I've lost that ability to create worlds in my mind, but I often find going to sleep listening to something, like the TV, helps keep my mind occupied in the same way.
So much of this is so relatable, right down to telling myself stories to fall asleep - I still do! Some of them are in books now!
As for my journey, I arrived at “probable autism” pretty early on, didn’t pursue it further, then much later arrived at “oh, I’m actually textbook ADHD,” and then eventually “has you can be both actually, THAT explains it,” and here we are.
As for diagnosing oneself: first, most diagnoses start with a self-diagnosis anyway. Nobody’s working to get themselves on a waitlist for funsies! And at least where I live, there’s really no incentive to get officially diagnosed as an adult besides peace of mind, because there are basically no resources for diagnosed adults and your insurance will probably go up, so why bother unless you really really need that validation 🤷🏻
Thank you for so generously sharing! It is jut so comforting to hear parallels in how my brain works in your stories and experience (and intriguing to hear the differences). I "dreamed" to fall asleep at night when I was little too--and to entertain myself on long car rides. And it is so much like what you described and I've never heard someone else talk about their brain working like that. Hearing you describe certain ways your brain works just gives me this sense of camaraderie and this understanding that I'm unique but not alone. I've been on a self-discovery journey this year and done some similar mental list making, researching and reflecting and slowly came to realize that ADHD is a pretty good explanation for my own haunting questions. I did get a formal diagnosis and I was equally terrified that I wouldn't have it and that relief that came with understanding my brain would be taken away. Fortunately for me it wasn't and I have gotten to explore and love my wonderful and wacky brain all the more! All that to say, thanks so much for sharing! I really love hearing your stories and watching your creative explorations on both channels!
The dreaming thing. ... I am relating so hard. I figured out that I'm neurodivergent a few years ago and being diagnosed for almost a year. It changed so much of how I treat myself and unterstanding myself. Childhood as an undiagnosed neurodivergent kid is so hard
I was homeschooled and our mother was autistic so there was a lot of nature vs nurture at play. I was an adult before i was aware that we were not like other people, but didn't really know what that meant. We had also moved from the west coast to the deap south when i was 9 so culture shock probably got a lot of blame. I was in my 30s before i realized that my brain was actually different and there were others like me. Helen Hoang has a series of 3 romance novels written from the perspective of an autistic person (the auther is autistic) and it really helped me realize she was writing about me. Every other representation of an autistic person i had seen before that hadn't quite fit and was probably written by someone who knew someone who was autistic, not by someone who knew what it was like to BE autistic.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I always enjoy your videos. I can relate on so many levels. I come to my own conclusions about myself, too.
After writing / deleting my thoughts numerous times on this subject. I decided to just add this comment.
ADHD girl diagnosed in my thirties here. Not sure if you go to therapy, but I found going to an ADHD specific therapist sooo helpful. She has ADHD as well, which makes it even better. I went to therapy for depression for years and I made a lot of progress in a lot of areas, I had a great therapist. But going to an ADHD specific therapist was so validating.
i relate a lot to this video, it was really nice to watch
I am loving hearing about your journey while I go through my own. I saw three therapists who all suggested I might be neurodivergent before I started thinking maybe I wasn’t just somehow manipulating them into thinking that.
Personally I used to call my generationally long and complex stories in my mind ‘Think-dreaming’ because I was in control of what was happening and, as you said, the term ‘day-dreaming’ really didn’t quite encompass the lifetimes happening in my head.
Really appreciate your videos on your self-discovery journey. I'm a 58yo female coming into "society" from a childhood full of trauma resulting in chronic depression. The existence & awareness of things like ADHD & Autism really wasn't a thing when I was coming up and all sorts of fun hypotheses about what was "wrong with" me ensued for years. By the time I was ready to actually pursue the possibility I might have an autistic brain and dole out the money for an actual diagnosis, I came out of it with an "ADHD, not Autism" dx that was immediately rejected... Subsequent research allowed me to realize that ADHD was most likely part of my mental mix and am still convinced, personally, that I have an Autistic brain also. As an aside, years of having to hide/mask what made me "special" as my mom used to say, landed me in the hospital for surgeries to fix problems exacerbated by the stress of it all. Long-winded me would just end here to say, I have been sharing your "my brain is a symphony" video with quite a number of people and whether either of us finds a "correct label" to describe whatever it is that is going on inside our heads, I enjoy watching your videos partly because I am a needlework/artsy person and partly because I enjoy seeing your moments of joy and frustrations so similar to ones I experience myself. Once upon a time I sent you an instagram to let you know this and this recent self-exploration video seems to have inspired me to reach out again. Best wishes for you, Matt and puppy!
Both my youngest child, an adult, and one of my best friends have recently been diagnosed as auDHD and it was a big relief for both. I had the same experience when I was diagnosed with Bipolor Disorder; it's that "oooohhh, so that's why I act this way" feeling. As females we mask so well that our diagnoses can come so much later.
Your "musings" are why I keep listening (my busy hands need my visual attention) and why I relate. When people assume I need their answers to questions I am posing to myself (I often talk out loud to help me focus), I realize just how different their thinking is from mine. I've no idea if I fit under one, more or any category that other people would recognize. The ones I use for and to myself are things like nitpicky aka detail oriented. I've come to understand where/when ones like that example come up, I can translate for myself whether that particular job posting or other interaction with other brains is going to be good for mine. There are many things I have no words to describe but perhaps chaotic will cover them in a general sense. If a family member asks, "What's up (with you)?" my response is "Jumping bean brain."
A bonus to participating in your posts, is reading the comments. It's reassuring, interesting, and, I can absorb some of that empathy/kindness when I need it.
I started watching you because of how you sew. I will continue to tune in because of the way you explain things about yourself--oodles of food for thought.
Thanks, I really enjoyed your reasoning around this