After my first serious relationship after coming out it took me a long time to move on, and I remember being upset once and my mum just looked at me and said "you really loved her,didn't you." And I said "yes", and that's how my mum validated my feelings and made me feel like she understood it wasn't a 'faze' or anything wierd or odd, it was so powerful and loving and I wish everyone had mums like mine 🥰
Thankfully my therapist has never said this to me but I remember feeling shocked and punched in the gut when people I thought were close to me asked "Are you thinking of getting remarried?" not even a few months after my husband died. Whatever you say to a person, or ask a person who is grieving, DON'T ASK THAT. Just sit with a grieving individual and accept whatever comes out of their mouth.
People are so cruel, you’re allowed to live your life for yourself and find new happiness it’s not illegal to live the rest of your life I hope no one is giving you that load of crap anymore your happiness is your own ❤️
Christ that was gut wrenching just to read. This not comparable to the pain and grief of losing your partner if you loved them dearly, but I once had a classmate whom I thought was a friend ask me 'will you get a new one?' after I turned up late to class because we had just euthanized our cat due to end stage cancer complications. In that very moment she reduced my cat whom I was grieving over to something akin to an item that breaks and you just replace it, much in the same way that that person reduced your husband to a mere number and status symbol 'will you get a new one?'. After you've worked through your grief it's a fair question to ask yourself, but even then it's only up to you to ask yourself that question, when you're ready for it. I'm sorry for your loss Jessica, all the best to you ❤
I've only gone to therapy once in my life, because i had panick attacks when meeting my in-laws. They were really rude and mean to me, and when i started the relationship i was 20 years old, it was my first relationship, and i think no one had treated me as bad as they had, and worst of all i felt like my boyfriend was never supportive. so i had stories about them and how they hurt me from idk , 3 years ago, and that's when my threapist was like : this happened a long time ago, why do you still care. and i get it, i get the point, like i have this hurt feeling from something that happen so long ago, but is not just something that happened and i chose to keep just because, it is the foundation of my relationship to them and i had always thought i would be the type of person to have a great relationship with in laws, but i didn't, i also realized my boyfriend's lack of support, and they had never been accountable or to this day have not changed their behavior, so yep, is not like i chose not to move on, is that their presence just reminds me of all the shit they have always done, and that has caused me to have huge anxiety around them.
I was bullied for 6 years. It's been 9 years since it stopped completely (bullies began to grow bored between the fifth and the sixth year since I kind of just stopped reacting to anything in their eyesight). You can still see the effects that had on me (low self-esteem, awkwardness in social situations, fear/uncertainty in speaking with people, etc.). Healing takes time and you need to actually admit you have a problem to fix it. You could begin counting the years of healing from the moment you realized you had a problem. In that case, I've been healing for under a year.
I once had a therapist tell me to "get used to suffering" when I talked about reproductive problems (he was a guy, I'm a girl) and when I mentioned I didn't want kids and was sick of everyone around me telling me to change my mind he started defending motherhood, ending with the line "It is the greatest joy in life" like thaaaanks, I've never heard that one before 🙄
Um, how would he know? What an idiot, but worse, what a terrible, incompetent, unprofessional therapist. Way to bring his biases into a client's session. I have nothing against male therapists - Jono is one! (a male and a therapist). Idiocy and professional incompetence know no genders or boundaries. Female therapists can and are capable of bringing their biases, prejudices, and personal beliefs and agendas into things too. I just hope that was your last session with him and that hopefully you were able to find not only another one but a much better one.
@@tinaperez7393 I found a much better one who helped me find a good medication balance over many years and who recommended group therapy for me that helped a lot. Haven't seen that crap therapist since
You guys couldn't have dropped this video at a better time. I just dumped a counselor I was seeing to help me process a toxic situation I recently got out of that went on for years. After only 5 sessions they got impatient and snapped at me that I needed to "move on and focus on the present." Hearing you say this is a lousy thing to tell a patient years after an experience given my trauma is still relatively fresh was really affirming. Thank you so much.
I had a newborn son pass away at Children's Hospital after a long string of miscarriages. After he passed my MIL called me and said it is time to move on. That same week was my daughter's birthday and my parents always gave her a party. I had my terminal son by cesearean section and I was in bed sleeping and my dad called and said to get over to their home. All within a week of my son dying and recovering from a major surgery. When I said I wasn't going my dad hung up on me.
One major thing that made me avoid expressing myself and grieving in the presence of others was that everyone kept trying to give me solutions and telling me to move on - I finally spoke up about it and told my loved ones "When I am expressing grief, I don't want solutions. I don't need you to try to 'fix it'. What I need is for you to echo me. If I say 'This is awful', I need to hear 'That is awful.' I am allowed to be sad and grieve when the wave of grief crashes over me. Please, let me be sad - let me grieve." It truly has changed everything. So now when someone expresses grief, I listen carefully, then look at them and gently say "Wow, that is terrible and must be extremely painful." And without fail I can see in their face that they feel seen and heard. I never try to give solutions unless requested. It has done amazing things in all my relationships.
God I hate peoples giving me solutions!! Makes me feel worse, don’t want to open up and then I feel shame for not him feeling anything but “happy”. Peoples distress intolerance is huge nowadays.
That's great advice. I think it's called mirroring or labeling (a la Chris Voss) - paraphrasing term for it. I know this and have read and watched content teaching this for many years. Which is why I'm still so surprised how bad I am at it. It really takes practice and being very conscious of what to do / how to respond / and being alert to the situations as they occur. Because it really is a skill we need to learn. For some reason it seems to be natural instinct and reaction to tell someone what to do in any times where a problem seems to make itself known. (it might our primitive brains acting out by recognizing a threat to survival and trying to solve it). But yeah, unfortunately, and at least for me, and from both your and my experiences, it definitely is the knee jerk reaction / instinct to just tell someone what to do / how to fix things. 🤔 Which of course, and oddly, is totally the opposite of what's needed or appreciated.
I’ve experienced some very traumatic events in my life. When I’ve met others who have gone through the same things, I always say, “no one understands this pain like other survivors of it. It’s ok for you to feel everything you are feeling right now. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not. Take the time you need to heal.” I had this happen with a cashier at a hallmark a year after she and I both survived a massive natural disaster. We had never met before and we made small talk while she was ringing up my items and she brought it up. I told her I was also a survivor but at the time we said “victim.” When I told her this. She got tearful and said. “Thank you! I can’t talk to anyone because they don’t get it!” I said, “I know. No understands what we’re all through because they haven’t experienced it. I’m so sorry. It’s very hard and lonely because other people can’t relate but there are a lot of us hiding behind the ‘I’m ok mask.’ It’s ok to not be ok at times and to grieve.” She asked if she could give me a hug and thanked me a few more times before I left. I had some one say to me once, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.” I responded, “that’s perfect. Just say ‘I’m sorry’ and leave it at that. Sometimes the more people talk, the worse it makes survivors feel. We just want compassion. 💞
I tried a thing over and over and over agian but never succeded. And after trying so many times I felt destroyed and hopeless. I fell down the ladder so many times I did not dare to try and climb it again. But then I found another ladder. Another thing that makes me happy. And now I try to climb that ladder.
It's been 16 years since I lost my dad and there are still days that are really hard. I don't think I'll ever be "over" it... but there is so much more to it than just losing him
This hits home- but I never heard it from my therapist (she still takes my issues seriously, thank goodness) but it seems to apply to how my mom treats it- my mom and sister both have Bipolar disorder and I'm one of the only people in my family who doesn't have it. My sister also has bpd so that just makes all the focus go on her- and while I do care about that, I've also been traumatized and isolated for years because of my experiences. It doesn't help that I was repeatedly bullied _in my own home_ by my sister, with her occasionally tackling me while I just sit down and take the heat- waiting for my mom to come pry her off me. That's why I like it better when my mom has a friend or a boyfriend staying over. It helps me feel connected to another person, because being in a home with 2 people who invalidate you is just as bad as living alone.
@@chibigirl8545 it's not as bad as it may come across I'm sure. I really care about them and know they care about me, even though my sister may threaten me or scream sometimes.
I was also bullied in my own home. It was my Mom and 3 of my sisters. At least my brother was always kind. Except sometimes he sided with my Mom, but it was probably just out of fear.
I don't offer advice. I just love them and make them soup or cookies. Everyone's journey is their own. The best things that were done or said to me when I miscarried and then found out we would not be able to have children were this: 1. Some friends who had also recently lost a baby (miscarriage at 5 months, super rough) just made a pot of dumpling soup and brought it over. We hugged and cried together. Another friend told me that her mom (who had recently passed away to cancer) would take care of my baby in heaven. We cried together also. It does not surprise me that the best responses were not advice and were from those who had also had recent loss.
A big one is grieving a childhood you didn't have, or relationships with family that you never had. For some reason people don't think that should take grieving.
Here's a very bad experience with a long-since former therapist. I was seeing her for childhood SA issues from multiple perps. I'd dealt through much of it with a male therapist, but I felt I needed a woman therapist for the bad experiences with female perps. I was explaining things that happened when I was 3. She wanted DETAILS - to a level that I see as creepy a few decades later. After a few sessions of THAT, I went back to my previous therapist - and it took 2 sessions with him to get over the creepy woman therapist! I've been to several other therapists, male and female, since then, and they're taken aback at the details of how this went. People: If it feels wrong, it probably is - at least for you. The person could be a great therapist for somebody else. In other cases, it's out-and-out wrong, harmful to you (the patient), and perhaps even unethical. Probably see another therapist and talk it out.
When I was 18 and my dad died very suddenly of cancer followed closely by all my grandparents, I remember one or two people told my mom that "if you need help, just ask". She asked but then stopped asking. No one seemed to understand how humiliating it feels to ask for help when you're down, how much it takes out of you to even ask. So I'd say just be there for the person who's grieving. Don't ask them if they need anything bc they're drowning and they probably just want to isolate - which is the worst thing you can do when you're hurting. Just go over to them, help them with stuff, listen, hold them if they need it. Don't be scared that you don't know what to say. Just listen and be there.
Another thing is 2 years may feel like a LONG time to a person who didn’t go through it….but to the person that did, two years ago can still feel like 2 months ago. The thing I’m currently healing from happened almost two years ago but for me it seems like it was only less than a year ago and it’s hard to believe it’s been two years. So telling someone “you should be over it” even two years later is like telling them they should get over it in the weeks following the incidence.
I may not have a therapist tell me this but i had a friend in high school a few months after my sister was still born say this. It was more "uhg just get over it already" and she said this in the middle of a class we had together. I realized many things when she said that to me one being that she was not a true friend. It still burt and i almost burst into tears. Edit: its been 8 years now and im still not "over it". Nor do i see myself ever being "over it". Ive dealt with it in many ways at first it was through writing poetry about her. Now its talking to a doll a have that to me feels like it looks like her. At times its sitting in a corner hugging the Dall crying, or rocking and singing to her. I have asked for hugs from her when i really need her and I can actually feel her spirit giving me a hug.
I think one of the biggest things that people don't realize is not just that not all breakups are equal. Some breakups are just disappointment or a minor sad thing that happens but you are fine. Other times they are truly traumatic events to process.
I started seeing a therapist because my mental health and memories started hurting very bad.. I don't think i ever allowed myself to grief my childhood, because when i talk about it i get shot down by family, and the partners i had would always tell me "its been XX amount of years now, try to move on and forget it, you cant change it anyways" but i always end up like a ticking bomb, exploding any moment something reminds me of the hurt or the memories... I was never allowed to grief the loss of control, my dad not being there, the love and security that wasn't there, my mom choosing to work instead of being with me and so on. To many previous partners these things where, small problems and something i should have been tough enough to have handled, and now should move on from so we could get a nice life together, and if it took not talking to my family that was fine with them.. No support. Thanks, i guess i know why i cry so much about "stupid stuff" as i say to my therapist, he is the safe space where i can grief.
The most recent death in my family was my last grandparent. She was in her 90s and everyone saw it coming two weeks before. I remember at her funeral the whole family obviously felt very sad but also a sense of peace. She had quite a few health issues that at the end all ganged up on her. I remember her being my biggest cheerleader. She was always frustrated that I couldn’t find a nice guy to be with. I attracted jerks. She passed away about a month before I met my husband. That is something that still hurts.
I'm 61 now, but a psychologist said something to me when I was 19 that has stuck with me. It was my first, and last, meeting with this man, so I was filling him in on the physical, mental, and sexual abuse, that I had experienced in my life. After listening, his conclusion was that my biggest hurtle to get past was the fact that I was still a virgin at 19. I just stared at him for a couple of beats, then stood up, gathered my purse and coat, and left. Had I been more confident, I would have reported him to his governing body, but I was a still a kid. At least I knew the guy was 20kg of shit in a 10kg bag. I'd hate to think this guy may have gotten his claws into others.
Good for you. Don't be hard on yourself for not going further by reporting him. Having the presence of mind to get up and leave was a good, big and important step in itself. Plus it's really shouldn't be on the client / patient to do the job of the employer (and employee) although it's often necessary for the reasons you gave - to weed those people out before they affect too many others. I went to a therapist when I was 18 too - at my university - he was a creepy old nervous man who hit on me. I thought "huh, if this is the "help" you get when you need it and seek it out, I guess there isn't any of this "help" everyone insists exists and that you're supposed to get of you need it". I didn't even know reporting someone was possible or even a thing. Also, it didn't occur to at the time that the service and department didn't know what a dud this guy was. I felt it must've been a deliberate reflection of their standards and organization or something. Or that most therapy was like this and it just wasn't very helpful.
I started seeing a therapist a few months ago because I'd been struggling a lot with my depression. I had my first appointment the day after I had a fallout with my mom. I've had to grieve not having a normal childhood because I wasn't taught how to process it. I'm on the autism spectrum, I'm a chilhood cancer survivor, my parents got divorced and dad moved to another state, my mom got remarried to a narcissist and is still married to him after 10 years, and neither he or my mom take accountability for the emotionally abuse they put us through as teenagers. Despite all of that, I'm still standing, and my therapist has been able to help me dig up all the stuff that I've burried over the years, and understand how it still affects me today. I feel bad for people who have had therapists tell them to "get over it" because it's not easy at all
I did not doubt her when she said “I’ll bury you alive in a box.” Lolz. “Get over it” is such an awful thing to say to anyone and I’m glad you addressed this in this video. What advice I would give someone who went through some heavy stuff? I’d just listen to them even if they didn’t have anything to say. That’s what some very kind people did for me.
OMG I can't believe you dropped the Buried alive in a box reference!!! I make my students watch that clip every year and I just had to stop your video and make my husband watch it right now. Ok ok ok now I can go back and finish watching your video.
My husband and I were rejected from our church for getting together. It’s a long story, involving spiritual abuse from our former pastors, and just bizarre cult like behavior. This catalyzed a faith crisis in my husband, combined with pretty terrible grief at having lost everyone, and anxiety that he couldn’t trust anyone. He wound up quitting his job and going back to school to try to start afresh. I was affected differently - the injustice of it just made me crazy. I wasn’t sad to lose such toxic people but the principle of the thing made me nuts. I went hard into my work and came to rely on it a bit too much in the years following. I am less angry about it now, although it admittedly isn’t hard to get my hackles up about it. My husband has also rounded a curve and is more able to go out and meet people. We have good days and bad days. It’s been six years. Advice I’d give is to be patient with yourself. You want to be the person you were, but remember that with each experience you have a say in the person you’re becoming. Take the time you need to feel what you’re feeling, and know that these big feelings come and go like clouds after awhile. Allow yourself to feel them, and they’ll pass.
I've had people (not therapists) saying "it's x time ago, haven't you dealt with this yet?" and you know, some things just keep stinging. Not constantly but sometimes the pain is there, short and sharp. My mum never met her 2 youngest grandchildren and she would soooo enjoyed them (the mother curse, it is real). That doesn't mean we don't enjoy the children but we do miss her enjoyment end delight and yes, sometimes that stinks. I would advise to allow the pain but don't let it take over and work past it (very much like a physical injury). It is OK to relapse but don't dwell on it. And I acknowledge that it is easier to say than to do. I usually signal that I am open to listen or just to talk about the weather if they need some normalcy, not judging.
"First, the line of progress is never straight. For a period a movement may follow a straight line and then it encounters obstacles and the path bends. It is like curving around a mountain when you are approaching a city. Often if feels as though you were moving backwards, and you lose sight of your goal: but in fact you are moving ahead, and soon you will see the city again, closer by." Martin Luther King Jr., Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?
I've been commenting like crazy, but I really realte to this. My therapist said this to me multiple times, even though it involved trauma, that shaped my life forever
Thank you as always. The days are less frequent now, but I often forget just how intense the episodes of grief and Complex PTSD can be. I had one of those days yesterday and people said it looked like I died… I am still having trouble walking today because my left leg gives out ever since 2019 idk what exactly that is about but it comes with the triggers like all the other symptoms. Anyway, it’s not bad to feel these days again, I have to remind myself of all the days that have been almost good in between the suffering. ❤
My experience with grief: *TRIGGER WARNING: contains things that could be considered graphic imagery* On January 22 2017 my cousin Andre Fuqua was coming home from a running marathon when he was shot in the head and thigh area by an unidentifiable assailant that ten shot his car 5 or 6 times. He was put on life support (the doctors basically knew he was not going to make it but because he was an organ donor so they needed to keep him ”alive” until they could do the transplant) until 26. *Warning over* It’s been 5 years and everything Jonathan said about grief is true in my experience. Grief is HARD. Grief is UNCOMFORTABLE (especially when you share that grief with people that grieve differently then you). There are STILL moments were I go numb for a little bit. To me, I’ve excepted that I probably will be mourning for the rest of my life and that if there are instances where all I can do is breath, then that’s PERFECTLY OKAY! DON’T EVER LET SOMEONE TELL YOU TO “GET OVER IT”! They don’t KNOW your pain!
I felt that way when my mom died. I was numb for a year. It's been 15 years now. It does get easier. It never really goes away. But there will come a time when you can remember the happy times more. I was afraid I would forget her. But I promise you won't!! I can't wait to see her again in heaven!
@@dawnstonerock4253 thank you for your kind words, forgetting is a big fear of mine when it comes to grieving his death. I am glad that you seem to be healing from your mother’s death.
The other thing to keep in mind with a loss like yours, one where you feel the need to give others a trigger warning before you even can share what happened, is it's not "just" grief and morning the loss. It was extremely traumatic too. Trauma & grief intermingled is so much more all consuming, for a longer time, usually, and it leaves such an impact in a different way. (A close colleague and friend of mine murdered his wife and then killed himself in a murder-suicide. That was really intense. And 4 years prior I witnessed my uncle's suicide death. This stuff is hard.)
@@VioletEmerald oh my gosh! I am so sorry you went through that! Yeah I have thought about that (it being traumatic) a lot, and I keep going back and forth on whether it was traumatic or not because I don’t to just through that word out carelessly
I was in my first year of college. I was struggling with SH and I was forced to go or be kicked out of school. I was told that i should have "solved all of your issues before going to college." Going to college was to escape my "issues"
I had an amazing therapist tell me when I was "shoulding" myself while working through my grief for the first time over my dad suddenly leaving my family while I was in the middle of finals at college, which also happened to be the time I was being academically dismissed for things that were out of my control(it was an art school and the professor apparently didn't like that I put my emotions into my artwork and said my presentation(which I had never had to do until I went to his class) sucked), that "you are reacting completely normally to a completely abnormal situation" and that has stuck with me 5 years later. I'm still not "over it" and have PTSD as a result of it, but I'm better than I was 5 years ago.
I must say, I loved a guy, he told me just how much he loved me too,he literally vanished and blocked me five days later, day by day he was disappearing, I asked if things were OK his side, he hadn't blocked but never returned but u can see he's put me onto ignore mode, that was 7 months ago.. and I didn't pressure him, but I said I've to look at my own self love now, it's up to myself to find the closure, and be OK with that. But by God that hurt..I'm filling in my own voids now and it's getting me to a much happier place, it's not my business why he d8sappeared, its my business not to heal and use another to get over it.
It's been 8 years since I ended my first relationship that lasted 14 months, which unfortunately was abusive in all the ways. I often beat myself up over it happening a very long time ago, and that I should be moving on because I'm now safe from him, but I'm trying to give myself more compassion and not traumatise myself further. I am in another relationship since, which is wonderful, but I'm still processing my last relationship and all that happened in a relatively short time frame and it's slowly getting better. Luckily, my new partner is extremely patient, compassionate and kind. He doesn't mind me talking about it with him and he gives me the time and space to work through my trauma, especially as new triggers come up from time to time, but overall, I am less affected by it now. It's very comforting to know that there is no time limit or pressure to "get over it" and to now receive the love and respect I deserve is enlightening.
If I were to give someone advice, I would just say to allow themselves to take the time to grieve and more, but that they can't stay and dwell in there and that even if bad things happen, they will happen no matter what and the best thing to do is to keep pushing forward no matter how hard it is and that they are doing their best at the end of the day
Yes. Big yes. It kind of amazes me, honestly. I grew up with quite an unrestrained and massive internal live. I don't know what it's like to not wander your own and lifes abysses and see a myriad of scenarious, which, by default, will include the scariest and ugliest ones. It wasn't until recently that I noticed myself struggling with some thoughts and then catching myself in attepty to restrain those thoughts. Which baffeld me. As I'm mostly handling them like any real life situation. I redirect the scenario until it's i the "processable" range and then I observe them and feel through them till they're out. A dozen times throughout a day, if that's what it takes. Until it's derived of meaning and can be left be, like an empty husk. And then there's thinks that won't pass for decated. Either cause they simply are part of my life, like scars that tense under certain weather or motions. Or hey are what they are until the right healing action can happen and that is sometimes outside of my hands. For example: I can prepare for a future experience of a healed and healthy romantic relationship. I've edged as close myself as I could, but I cannot replace an actual experience with an actual partner until it happens. It's not up to me if and when it does. All that is in my power, is done and prepared and processed. So, when something triggers past pains and there's no positive experience patch there yet to counter that, then it's time to grieve that this version of the future is nt here yet or may never come. It's no use to fight myself over it. It's no use to be upset with previous negative instances or currently unfulfilled or "unrealistic" hopes. They are justmessages from me to me, speaking about what else may be part of this life at some point. Or what else will hopefully not. I'm not entitled to either outcomes. But I am able to give myself permission to just be with the me that is lacking or tired or hurt or sad. Regardless of the outside world being supportive or quite a pain, I at the very least owe to myself to allow myself to me fully me. With all the parts. And to embrace myself unconditionally. I can do the reality checks and growing and what not in a second step after that, as my own closest healer and friend.
I have no good advice. But this was pretty good advice for me to use. My daughter was already struggling early this year when she had a friendship crisis… one friend made an accusation against another. The actions were true but intent was demonized (at the time I asked multiple times for no details but to have her assurance that it was consensual… apparently it was but she felt pressured… he, however, was a clueless schmuck). Another friend supported the accuser and tried to get the whole group to turn against the accused without hearing his side. They manipulated members of the group in the name of supporting the accuser rather than being up front with them and accepting that the other friends had the right to speak to the guy to find out what he had to say for himself, their words and actions contradicted, they treated members of the group like the enemy for even speaking to the accused friend. In the end, my daughter chose to cut off the friendship with the initial two friends and the rest of the group followed her lead… to me, this just established that they were thinking along the same lines and just needed the impetus to act. She’s usually the last to let go when something goes pear-shaped, as it has a couple of times before. So given this loss, she feels especially bad at holidays because these two friends were part of the group last Autumn. So now I know how to respond when she vents. So far I’ve let her set the tone and just reinforced to her my belief that yes, the others did follow her lead, but she didn’t cause this. Given the set of circumstances, she made the best choice available for her mental health as well as for other friends who were struggling with their own issues and who didn’t need to be accused of something they didn’t do.
I had a 4 year relationship end almost 2 years ago and I still have feelings about it, I still talk to my therapist about it, I still have things to process about that relationship and how it effected me. Healing looks different for everyone. Thank you for talking about this. 🥰
i heard someone said that a lot of the times you can trace back all of the voices in your head to your parents voices when you were young (or maybe even voices of other people, old or young). the voice that discredits your experience may have came from your mom, or your dad, or even your teacher when you told them that someone is bothering you and they shrugged it off and worse, put you in trouble for it. for me, a lot of the times, i found that we tend too invalidate our own feelings to either save others from a bad reputation from ourselves (thinking that they are a bad person because they did something wrong because maybe they believe that and so are defensive about their mistakes when they make one or many) or because that's how we were thought to believe that ''it couldnt have been them because they are so sure that it isnt them but im not confident it isnt my fault so it must be mine...' but if you dont find yourself in these, please do tell me! i wanna hear your thoughts!
my advice to anyone who suffers loss or grief and who feels lost or confused about it is to find a finite process that gives them the time and space to feel what they feel in the moment and a way to recognize that the feeling has passed. My example is lighting a candle, when the candle has burned out, then it's ok to say "goodbye" to that moment of feeling and have another candle ready for the next. Journaling, visualization, books, photos, talking - whatever works for them but for them to find a way to navigate themselves so they don't feel like they're hopelessly drowning. I was never the same after the worst loss I suffered, and some people bounce back after a little bit from it, but I have had to accept that I'm just different now. I have other things to grieve, and I had long sad moments that don't happen any more, but it was my own journey I wouldn't wish on anyone. The easiest thing to offer (harder to do) is to be someone who listens - no judgment, no advice, no sympathizing narrative or hijacking, or wishing they could feel better, just listening and saying you understand or that their feelings are reasonable for their experience, just let them be where they are - let yourself be where you are
When my dad, people tried to be sensitive by changing the subject any time the idea of death or my dad came up. But what I really wanted was to share with them the love that I had had for him. The best thing people could have done would have been to ask me what he was like as a person and what it was that I loved about him.
I had a breakup over 3 years ago that j havent recovered from. Just havent found anyone attractive since. And she cheated on me before she broke it off. She's rhe only person i ever felt actually loved me and she's the only person ive ever loved
HOW DID YOU KNOW I NEEDED THIS AHH got triggered recently that forced me to face the fact that I didn't feel like I deserved to grieve my five year relationship ending.. because I felt like my ex had it worse than I did so I don't deserve to cry. And it's easier to not hope for anything new
I had to deal with this from an ex, who wanted to be friends after she betrayed my trust and just kept telling me to "Get over it" because she wanted to rush past the issue and not accept or look at her part in it or understand that it really really hurt me and I can't just get over it.
What a timing. Exactly what I needed right now, thank you! I have just taken a step back again having a hard time accepting my feelings. But seeing it as a process with waves, does help a bit. Looking forward to the next opportunity to let things out.
My husband and I did a short stint of marriage counseling and the counselor literally kept telling me when it was my turn to speak, that I was talking too much, saying too many words. He would shush me. 🙄
Love you guys,👌message I literally want and feel, that I could do with listening to this video every single day I personally don’t alllow myself to feel much - I feel like I think my way out of it and then tarnish my true feelings losing my own perspective altogether .. I would say be honest with yourself ALWAYS - it’s extremely hard and difficult to expose when we are not Don’t give air to ANY negative thoughts - it’s useless But feeling *everything as you do - is Brave Go easy on you - ask others or connect if it helps, & never raise the importance of others at the expense of your own vulnerabilities Or because you Care about what anyone else Thinks or Feels … You simply *cannot CARE for you,, if you are busy over concerning others Validate Yourself Find Your Own Place so that Everything Else can fall into Place 💫
I grew up with an abusive mothe and brother and left home at 16 out of self preservation, other family members kept saying it wasn't such a big deal, one of my other brothers even said 'our mom is raising us neonazi-like (regarding the level of her strictness and expectations, not any political or race opinions) but you should get over it and just come back to live with her because it is expected of you'. I never got how he could take it so lightly like 'yeah we're abused but what can we do' until he tried to commit suicide and i realized how much he buried deep inside. I told a psychiatrist i went to about my family and that i could never trust my abusive brother and that i feel in danger whenever im with him, especially alone and even more so when he's in the kitchen. He said 'it's been years, why don't you just get over it?' He couldn't understand that whenever i saw my brother i saw his fists, his kicks, his angry shouting face, his threats, him running after me , the knifes in his hands... After a lot of hard work i can now be in the same room as him and breath freely but i could never trust him nor want to touch him
OMG these therapist and their views. I am not a therapist but if I was I would never say that. Like when I was after a break up and sad, someone I called a friend at the time said to me the line "There are a lot of Fish in the sea." And I got angry because he wanted me to take all so lightly when I was only few days after. I answered "Maybe I want my time to experience that pain a little more. Sure we broke up but my heart can't move on so fast." (I screamed it BTW and he was shocked from my reaction) But this is how I am I can't fake my feelings whatever they are. Also I told you about a line I was given from a therapist which is worthy to be here I think. But you don't give me attention. About my PTSD memories a therapist said to me "just get over it." Horrible thing to say because it never goes away. Never! A line which caused me to storm out slamming the door and crying as soon as no one saw me. Which brings me to something my dad told me when I was a kid. Which I understood later is not true but it's rooted in me "You can't cry son you are a man. Crying is for girls we man don't cry you must be strong." So many times to this day when I am sad it's not expressed via crying.
Instead of, "I shouldn't be this upset," a better way to approach that same idea is, "why am I still so upset?" It's the same phrase, but without the shame or blame and turns it toward inward reflection. This is my basic model for other big emotions that seem out of step with the event, and I can usually figure out the trigger and work on that.
Alicia Decker: "What advice would you give someone who's gone through a hard experience, a death, a life-altering event?" My usual response is: "I'm so sorry." when I don't know someone too well or am just being respectful. However, depending upon the situation if it's a loss of something "I'm so sorry. That just sucks." or "That is so rough." and I try to listen. When it is a mourning of death - "My words may not be enough, but you are not alone." - "The loss is real. It's so hard to lose someone we deeply care about." And sometimes I don't say anything and comfort my family or friend by hugging or holding them if it is appropriate or if they are OK with it. If not I just pat the shoulder or rub lightly on the back to comfort them if they are OK about it and let the tears out. Crying is safe with me, no matter who and what it is.
12:34 I'd probably say, "Let yourself feel whatever you're feeling." That was basically 2020 for me. The thing I felt was, "I'm not good enough." I know that's not true in 2022, and the people involved (all but one) didn't mean for me to feel that way. I may have known in 2020, but I let myself feel that way. How bad was that advice? 😅
Not too bad. I would also add that feelings have a purpose: they communicate with us and point us towards something we need (a shoulder to cry on, a chance to laugh, room to celebrate or whatever it is). So yes, yourself feel what you feel, but I would also encourage a person to listen to those feelings and to figure what they’re saying. Drowning in sadness is not really healthy, but why are a person sad and what does the person need to stand in that sadness in a healthy way? That’s my two cents… just wanted to add it to what you had already stated
@@Ingemaja That's a good point. I think a good friend would help as well, especially for those who are neurodivergent like me. One of my friends is really good at helping me unpack my feelings cos she's really patient. You know that feeling where you know something is wrong but you don't know what is wrong? I feel that way a lot of the time, so she's good at asking the right questions. Poetry was (and still is) a good outlet for me too, so expressing feelings in words has been a big help for me
@@nobirahim1818 I know what you mean. I’m also neurodivergent (ADHD and a mild tick-disorder), and I spent far too many years feeling guilty about being born this way. I also have a really patient friend, and he has helped through a lot of difficult emotions that didn’t really make sense at the time. He’s also really good at setting clear boundaries when he needs it, without getting aggressive. Good friends aren’t always that easy to find, but they’re so important. I also like writing. I mostly use poetry to reflect, though. I’ve used short stories to work through some more complex things (such as mourning the end of a toxic relationship). Something that I’ve also done is to write in what I call a “strange book”. It’s basically a diary, but completely uncensored: no structure, no omitting things, even letting thinking-sounds (like aaaaagghhhh) getting in there. It’s just a pure outlet to me. I find writing to be quite helpful, as it lets me listen more closely to my own thoughts, and really try to sort through them. We are, of course, different, but that’s my personal experience. You don’t have to agree with these things. I find what you pointed out about good friends to be especially important. Thank you for bringing it up, and for posting the comment that started this little conversation 😊 The part about being neurodivergent and finding a pen (or keyboard) to be helpful was just fun things to have in common. I know that parts of society can be cruel to “outsiders”, and that it can be hard to manage emotions in the midst of everything… but it’s so good to read that you’ve found a good friend and a way of helping yourself. I’m wishing you all the best. Thank you for the things that you’ve shared here. Take care of yourself
@@Ingemaja I've got quite a few friends, actually 😅 Slowly acquired over time. They each have their strengths and different roles in my life. Sounds interesting 😊 I probably won't do the same myself though. It was great talking with you. Have a good day too 😊 Mine is almost over. I really appreciate your good grammar and spelling by the way 😄
I would love for you to cover what grieving looks like in one of your "ask a therapist" segments. You often say, "allow yourself to grieve," but what does that look like? What are the different ways to grieve? How do you know if you've given yourself enough time so that you're in a healthy place when reminders of that grief come up again and that you haven't just pushed the feelings down so that they either come out sideways, explode or implode because they still need more attention.
Thank you for a wonderful video, once again! Could you do one on keeping a serious but temporarily long-distance (3-6 months) relationship happy? What are some things people should NOT do if they want to keep their love alive?
It’s been 13 years since I lost my mom to cancer. It was about 6 months from her diagnosis to her death. It felt even shorter though bc the chemo was working and she was greatly improving about 4 months into her diagnosis. Then the cancer mutated and came back horrendously fast and within two months took her life. I had dreams for years after where I was uncertain about whether she had died or not. Unfortunately I already was severely struggling with my mental health before my mom developed cancer and died. Almost exactly one year before she was diagnosed, I had two suicide attempts in one month. For reasons not of my choosing (with one exception) I’ve had to keep seeing a new therapist every year or two. Hopefully I’m with a therapist now I can stay with as long as I need to. I share all of this because I am curious if Jonathan and Alicia would have anything to share about complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder. I’m curious if Jonathan thinks prolonged grief disorder is a legitimate diagnosis and how it would be differentiated from the grief that always will be felt after losing a loved one. Btw, just a side note, I’m about the same age as Jonathan I believe (I’m 40 yrs old).
Thankfully I never had a therapist tell me this but what would you say about therapist telling their client "But they're your parents" or "You should forgive your abuser" to a client that's been physically, mentally, ect by their parents/guardians
How long is too long to grieve? I think 22 years cause that’s how long it’s been since my ex-fiancé’s grandfather died in a car crash. I tried my best to understand complicated mourning, but basically my ex froze emotionally at 16 years old and refused to move forward. He refuses to make grown-up decisions for himself like having his own place to live independent of his parents or choosing to get married and have his own children. Those are all things he wants, but he’s adopted this worldview of “life is unpredictable, so why try?”
Yeah I think it sounds like he didn't process his trauma in a healthy way and his entire worldview and approach to life was incompatible with you. It wasn't really about grief. 22 years isn't too long to still have nostalgia for memories of a person you loved and occasional small bursts of sadness at the thought of how many years too soon they died or what they missed the chance to see in the world.
@@VioletEmerald Nostalgia and sadness are one thing. He would burst into a fit of rage if anyone mentioned his grandfather’s name. I remember he threw a horribly embarrassing temper tantrum at last year’s Thanksgiving when his aunts were sharing sweet stories about their dad. He demanded they stop talking about him and when they tried to keep going, my ex stormed out of the room and stayed outside for 20 minutes. Clearly his grief is completely unprocessed. His mom said he had a complete change of personality when his grandfather died.
Admittedly I've ended up on both sides of this - being told to get over it and also telling one of my friends to get over it. It's not fair to compare trauma like that. Because ultimately it invalidates your feelings. And then you end up feeling as if your problems aren't actually problems, so why are you upset about it you big baby? Why are you seeking attention? Stop being upset about it and grow up and get a life! It's no way to live when you don't feel accepted enough to feel the way you feel.
When I met husband he was 27, and the way he talked about his father who passed away when he was 15, made it seem like the wound was still fresh. I didn't realize how much he was still grieving. I've met people who've lost a parent but they weren't at this low point in grieving after a few years of the loss. I founded very strange that he was still upset and still is. He moved out of the country and still avoids that country because it reminds him of his dad. He's 34 now and still feels this way. It's like he's stuck. Maybe it's because he's not allowing himself to grieve. His mom is in a similar state. There are times where she still can't see her son because he looks so much like his dad. She still dresses like she is 20 years younger from when she lost her husband. She still has her husband's clothes and books and she has the house preserved in a certain state to a point where when me or other guests arrive we're not allowed to touch or move certain things. Everything has to be kept just as it is. She's like this with her grandparents apartment. Preserving everything just as she remembers it from her childhood. The apartment is old and needs repairs, it should even be sold, but she won't budge. It's been a lifelong problem of hers.
I myself never had a bad therapist, but I've met one. Back when I was in mental hospital, we used to sit in the lobby in the evening, playing games, talking, laughing, crying, sharing how our day went and all that. After all, if you spend your whole day for months with each other in a setting in which you are mostly very mentally open and emotionally vulnerable, you bond fairly quickly. One of those evenings, and one of those that were very fun, we were laughing and a "therapist" from a different ward crossed the lobby and with a straight face told us: "If you are that happy, you're at the wrong place here." And we were all like... "hhhWHAT" like you're learning for months and months on end how to be happy and how to find joy in small things and when we find that she thinks we're not supposed to be in a mental hospital??? It was so bad that it was actually hilarious. We called her the Ice Princess. A few days later we went to our ward leading psychologist and told her what the Ice Princess was saying to us. Turned out she also emotionally effed over a few of her patients in her ward and she was fired a week later.
The same goes for expecting someone to experience intimacy and romance the way you do and tease them for "not having a romantic bone in their body" because they don't consider sex as intimacy and would rather connect in any other way. When they have sex it's not for them it's for the other person, they don't find closeness in it, or fulfillment. Especially when you know one reason they were reluctant to marry you in the first place was BECAUSE they didn't want to have sex. If there wasn't a kid in the picture they wouldn't have married you at all...but you keep acting like there is something wrong with them because they don't respond to you playfully suggesting they get naked with enthusiasm or reciprocating it, they don't playfully paw at you back. Sorry, friend, they didn't lead you on they told you straightforwardly what was going on and you still chose to move forward and get married even though they would have supported you running the other way and finding someone else.
When I read the title, my first thoughts were “with the right context, this advice isn’t horrible,” but the big caveat is that it needs to align with Jonathan’s advice of “what is holding you back from moving more forward than you are?” Sometimes we get stuck in a loop and have trouble working ourselves out of it, so talking about what is still bothering us could help make the path forward a bit clearer. But yes, the judgment of the timeline would have to get tossed for it to be helpful.
After my first serious relationship after coming out it took me a long time to move on, and I remember being upset once and my mum just looked at me and said "you really loved her,didn't you." And I said "yes", and that's how my mum validated my feelings and made me feel like she understood it wasn't a 'faze' or anything wierd or odd, it was so powerful and loving and I wish everyone had mums like mine 🥰
feel luck after my divorce my dad said it wasn't long enough to be considered a real marriage anyways
all I can think is it was real for me
Thankfully my therapist has never said this to me but I remember feeling shocked and punched in the gut when people I thought were close to me asked "Are you thinking of getting remarried?" not even a few months after my husband died.
Whatever you say to a person, or ask a person who is grieving, DON'T ASK THAT. Just sit with a grieving individual and accept whatever comes out of their mouth.
People are so cruel, you’re allowed to live your life for yourself and find new happiness it’s not illegal to live the rest of your life
I hope no one is giving you that load of crap anymore your happiness is your own ❤️
Christ that was gut wrenching just to read.
This not comparable to the pain and grief of losing your partner if you loved them dearly, but I once had a classmate whom I thought was a friend ask me 'will you get a new one?' after I turned up late to class because we had just euthanized our cat due to end stage cancer complications. In that very moment she reduced my cat whom I was grieving over to something akin to an item that breaks and you just replace it, much in the same way that that person reduced your husband to a mere number and status symbol 'will you get a new one?'.
After you've worked through your grief it's a fair question to ask yourself, but even then it's only up to you to ask yourself that question, when you're ready for it.
I'm sorry for your loss Jessica, all the best to you ❤
@@fishymonstur thank you for understanding and relating ❤️
You can tell from the way she looks at him that she loves him...
I've only gone to therapy once in my life, because i had panick attacks when meeting my in-laws. They were really rude and mean to me, and when i started the relationship i was 20 years old, it was my first relationship, and i think no one had treated me as bad as they had, and worst of all i felt like my boyfriend was never supportive. so i had stories about them and how they hurt me from idk , 3 years ago, and that's when my threapist was like : this happened a long time ago, why do you still care. and i get it, i get the point, like i have this hurt feeling from something that happen so long ago, but is not just something that happened and i chose to keep just because, it is the foundation of my relationship to them and i had always thought i would be the type of person to have a great relationship with in laws, but i didn't, i also realized my boyfriend's lack of support, and they had never been accountable or to this day have not changed their behavior, so yep, is not like i chose not to move on, is that their presence just reminds me of all the shit they have always done, and that has caused me to have huge anxiety around them.
I was bullied for 6 years. It's been 9 years since it stopped completely (bullies began to grow bored between the fifth and the sixth year since I kind of just stopped reacting to anything in their eyesight). You can still see the effects that had on me (low self-esteem, awkwardness in social situations, fear/uncertainty in speaking with people, etc.). Healing takes time and you need to actually admit you have a problem to fix it. You could begin counting the years of healing from the moment you realized you had a problem. In that case, I've been healing for under a year.
I once had a therapist tell me to "get used to suffering" when I talked about reproductive problems (he was a guy, I'm a girl) and when I mentioned I didn't want kids and was sick of everyone around me telling me to change my mind he started defending motherhood, ending with the line "It is the greatest joy in life" like thaaaanks, I've never heard that one before 🙄
Ew!!! I’m so sorry you had to sit through that !!!
Um, how would he know? What an idiot, but worse, what a terrible, incompetent, unprofessional therapist. Way to bring his biases into a client's session.
I have nothing against male therapists - Jono is one! (a male and a therapist). Idiocy and professional incompetence know no genders or boundaries. Female therapists can and are capable of bringing their biases, prejudices, and personal beliefs and agendas into things too.
I just hope that was your last session with him and that hopefully you were able to find not only another one but a much better one.
@@tinaperez7393 I found a much better one who helped me find a good medication balance over many years and who recommended group therapy for me that helped a lot. Haven't seen that crap therapist since
You guys couldn't have dropped this video at a better time. I just dumped a counselor I was seeing to help me process a toxic situation I recently got out of that went on for years. After only 5 sessions they got impatient and snapped at me that I needed to "move on and focus on the present."
Hearing you say this is a lousy thing to tell a patient years after an experience given my trauma is still relatively fresh was really affirming. Thank you so much.
I had a newborn son pass away at Children's Hospital after a long string of miscarriages. After he passed my MIL called me and said it is time to move on. That same week was my daughter's birthday and my parents always gave her a party. I had my terminal son by cesearean section and I was in bed sleeping and my dad called and said to get over to their home. All within a week of my son dying and recovering from a major surgery. When I said I wasn't going my dad hung up on me.
One major thing that made me avoid expressing myself and grieving in the presence of others was that everyone kept trying to give me solutions and telling me to move on - I finally spoke up about it and told my loved ones "When I am expressing grief, I don't want solutions. I don't need you to try to 'fix it'. What I need is for you to echo me. If I say 'This is awful', I need to hear 'That is awful.' I am allowed to be sad and grieve when the wave of grief crashes over me. Please, let me be sad - let me grieve."
It truly has changed everything. So now when someone expresses grief, I listen carefully, then look at them and gently say "Wow, that is terrible and must be extremely painful." And without fail I can see in their face that they feel seen and heard. I never try to give solutions unless requested. It has done amazing things in all my relationships.
God I hate peoples giving me solutions!! Makes me feel worse, don’t want to open up and then I feel shame for not him feeling anything but “happy”.
Peoples distress intolerance is huge nowadays.
That's great advice. I think it's called mirroring or labeling (a la Chris Voss) - paraphrasing term for it.
I know this and have read and watched content teaching this for many years. Which is why I'm still so surprised how bad I am at it. It really takes practice and being very conscious of what to do / how to respond / and being alert to the situations as they occur.
Because it really is a skill we need to learn. For some reason it seems to be natural instinct and reaction to tell someone what to do in any times where a problem seems to make itself known. (it might our primitive brains acting out by recognizing a threat to survival and trying to solve it).
But yeah, unfortunately, and at least for me, and from both your and my experiences, it definitely is the knee jerk reaction / instinct to just tell someone what to do / how to fix things. 🤔
Which of course, and oddly, is totally the opposite of what's needed or appreciated.
I’ve experienced some very traumatic events in my life. When I’ve met others who have gone through the same things, I always say, “no one understands this pain like other survivors of it. It’s ok for you to feel everything you are feeling right now. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not. Take the time you need to heal.” I had this happen with a cashier at a hallmark a year after she and I both survived a massive natural disaster. We had never met before and we made small talk while she was ringing up my items and she brought it up. I told her I was also a survivor but at the time we said “victim.” When I told her this. She got tearful and said. “Thank you! I can’t talk to anyone because they don’t get it!” I said, “I know. No understands what we’re all through because they haven’t experienced it. I’m so sorry. It’s very hard and lonely because other people can’t relate but there are a lot of us hiding behind the ‘I’m ok mask.’ It’s ok to not be ok at times and to grieve.” She asked if she could give me a hug and thanked me a few more times before I left.
I had some one say to me once, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.” I responded, “that’s perfect. Just say ‘I’m sorry’ and leave it at that. Sometimes the more people talk, the worse it makes survivors feel. We just want compassion. 💞
I tried a thing over and over and over agian but never succeded. And after trying so many times I felt destroyed and hopeless. I fell down the ladder so many times I did not dare to try and climb it again. But then I found another ladder. Another thing that makes me happy. And now I try to climb that ladder.
I just sort of healed from something that happened 22 years ago, it was never going to heal on it's own. Good therapists are a miracle.
It's been 16 years since I lost my dad and there are still days that are really hard. I don't think I'll ever be "over" it... but there is so much more to it than just losing him
This hits home- but I never heard it from my therapist (she still takes my issues seriously, thank goodness) but it seems to apply to how my mom treats it- my mom and sister both have Bipolar disorder and I'm one of the only people in my family who doesn't have it. My sister also has bpd so that just makes all the focus go on her- and while I do care about that, I've also been traumatized and isolated for years because of my experiences. It doesn't help that I was repeatedly bullied _in my own home_ by my sister, with her occasionally tackling me while I just sit down and take the heat- waiting for my mom to come pry her off me. That's why I like it better when my mom has a friend or a boyfriend staying over. It helps me feel connected to another person, because being in a home with 2 people who invalidate you is just as bad as living alone.
Lol sorry this turned into a vent. This video made some good points.
This resonated quite a bit with me. Hope you can find your own worth and heal ♥️
That's WORSE than living alone. May I suggest, if at all possible, to GTFO of that house and maybe get a pet? Or lots of stuffed animals?
@@chibigirl8545 it's not as bad as it may come across I'm sure. I really care about them and know they care about me, even though my sister may threaten me or scream sometimes.
I was also bullied in my own home. It was my Mom and 3 of my sisters. At least my brother was always kind. Except sometimes he sided with my Mom, but it was probably just out of fear.
I don't offer advice. I just love them and make them soup or cookies. Everyone's journey is their own. The best things that were done or said to me when I miscarried and then found out we would not be able to have children were this: 1. Some friends who had also recently lost a baby (miscarriage at 5 months, super rough) just made a pot of dumpling soup and brought it over. We hugged and cried together. Another friend told me that her mom (who had recently passed away to cancer) would take care of my baby in heaven. We cried together also. It does not surprise me that the best responses were not advice and were from those who had also had recent loss.
A big one is grieving a childhood you didn't have, or relationships with family that you never had. For some reason people don't think that should take grieving.
Here's a very bad experience with a long-since former therapist. I was seeing her for childhood SA issues from multiple perps. I'd dealt through much of it with a male therapist, but I felt I needed a woman therapist for the bad experiences with female perps. I was explaining things that happened when I was 3. She wanted DETAILS - to a level that I see as creepy a few decades later. After a few sessions of THAT, I went back to my previous therapist - and it took 2 sessions with him to get over the creepy woman therapist!
I've been to several other therapists, male and female, since then, and they're taken aback at the details of how this went.
People: If it feels wrong, it probably is - at least for you. The person could be a great therapist for somebody else. In other cases, it's out-and-out wrong, harmful to you (the patient), and perhaps even unethical. Probably see another therapist and talk it out.
When I was 18 and my dad died very suddenly of cancer followed closely by all my grandparents, I remember one or two people told my mom that "if you need help, just ask". She asked but then stopped asking. No one seemed to understand how humiliating it feels to ask for help when you're down, how much it takes out of you to even ask. So I'd say just be there for the person who's grieving. Don't ask them if they need anything bc they're drowning and they probably just want to isolate - which is the worst thing you can do when you're hurting. Just go over to them, help them with stuff, listen, hold them if they need it. Don't be scared that you don't know what to say. Just listen and be there.
Great advice. I'll try to remember and use this. it certainly mirrors my own feelings and experience when I've needed "help". 😮😩😒Thanks.
Another thing is 2 years may feel like a LONG time to a person who didn’t go through it….but to the person that did, two years ago can still feel like 2 months ago.
The thing I’m currently healing from happened almost two years ago but for me it seems like it was only less than a year ago and it’s hard to believe it’s been two years.
So telling someone “you should be over it” even two years later is like telling them they should get over it in the weeks following the incidence.
2 yrs ago I was scammed out of $30,000 and I’m still
grieving on my less finer moments or days
I may not have a therapist tell me this but i had a friend in high school a few months after my sister was still born say this. It was more "uhg just get over it already" and she said this in the middle of a class we had together. I realized many things when she said that to me one being that she was not a true friend. It still burt and i almost burst into tears.
Edit: its been 8 years now and im still not "over it". Nor do i see myself ever being "over it". Ive dealt with it in many ways at first it was through writing poetry about her. Now its talking to a doll a have that to me feels like it looks like her. At times its sitting in a corner hugging the Dall crying, or rocking and singing to her. I have asked for hugs from her when i really need her and I can actually feel her spirit giving me a hug.
I think one of the biggest things that people don't realize is not just that not all breakups are equal. Some breakups are just disappointment or a minor sad thing that happens but you are fine. Other times they are truly traumatic events to process.
I started seeing a therapist because my mental health and memories started hurting very bad..
I don't think i ever allowed myself to grief my childhood, because when i talk about it i get shot down by family, and the partners i had would always tell me "its been XX amount of years now, try to move on and forget it, you cant change it anyways" but i always end up like a ticking bomb, exploding any moment something reminds me of the hurt or the memories...
I was never allowed to grief the loss of control, my dad not being there, the love and security that wasn't there, my mom choosing to work instead of being with me and so on.
To many previous partners these things where, small problems and something i should have been tough enough to have handled, and now should move on from so we could get a nice life together, and if it took not talking to my family that was fine with them.. No support.
Thanks, i guess i know why i cry so much about "stupid stuff" as i say to my therapist, he is the safe space where i can grief.
The most recent death in my family was my last grandparent. She was in her 90s and everyone saw it coming two weeks before. I remember at her funeral the whole family obviously felt very sad but also a sense of peace. She had quite a few health issues that at the end all ganged up on her. I remember her being my biggest cheerleader. She was always frustrated that I couldn’t find a nice guy to be with. I attracted jerks. She passed away about a month before I met my husband. That is something that still hurts.
I'm 61 now, but a psychologist said something to me when I was 19 that has stuck with me. It was my first, and last, meeting with this man, so I was filling him in on the physical, mental, and sexual abuse, that I had experienced in my life. After listening, his conclusion was that my biggest hurtle to get past was the fact that I was still a virgin at 19. I just stared at him for a couple of beats, then stood up, gathered my purse and coat, and left. Had I been more confident, I would have reported him to his governing body, but I was a still a kid. At least I knew the guy was 20kg of shit in a 10kg bag. I'd hate to think this guy may have gotten his claws into others.
Good for you. Don't be hard on yourself for not going further by reporting him. Having the presence of mind to get up and leave was a good, big and important step in itself. Plus it's really shouldn't be on the client / patient to do the job of the employer (and employee) although it's often necessary for the reasons you gave - to weed those people out before they affect too many others.
I went to a therapist when I was 18 too - at my university - he was a creepy old nervous man who hit on me. I thought "huh, if this is the "help" you get when you need it and seek it out, I guess there isn't any of this "help" everyone insists exists and that you're supposed to get of you need it".
I didn't even know reporting someone was possible or even a thing. Also, it didn't occur to at the time that the service and department didn't know what a dud this guy was. I felt it must've been a deliberate reflection of their standards and organization or something. Or that most therapy was like this and it just wasn't very helpful.
I started seeing a therapist a few months ago because I'd been struggling a lot with my depression. I had my first appointment the day after I had a fallout with my mom. I've had to grieve not having a normal childhood because I wasn't taught how to process it.
I'm on the autism spectrum, I'm a chilhood cancer survivor, my parents got divorced and dad moved to another state, my mom got remarried to a narcissist and is still married to him after 10 years, and neither he or my mom take accountability for the emotionally abuse they put us through as teenagers.
Despite all of that, I'm still standing, and my therapist has been able to help me dig up all the stuff that I've burried over the years, and understand how it still affects me today. I feel bad for people who have had therapists tell them to "get over it" because it's not easy at all
My wife still remembers things I said 40 years ago. She has diaries stretching back years with every meeting, phone call and so on carefully recorded.
I did not doubt her when she said “I’ll bury you alive in a box.” Lolz.
“Get over it” is such an awful thing to say to anyone and I’m glad you addressed this in this video.
What advice I would give someone who went through some heavy stuff? I’d just listen to them even if they didn’t have anything to say. That’s what some very kind people did for me.
COUPLE GOALS!!!!!!!
OMG I can't believe you dropped the Buried alive in a box reference!!! I make my students watch that clip every year and I just had to stop your video and make my husband watch it right now. Ok ok ok now I can go back and finish watching your video.
My husband and I were rejected from our church for getting together. It’s a long story, involving spiritual abuse from our former pastors, and just bizarre cult like behavior. This catalyzed a faith crisis in my husband, combined with pretty terrible grief at having lost everyone, and anxiety that he couldn’t trust anyone. He wound up quitting his job and going back to school to try to start afresh.
I was affected differently - the injustice of it just made me crazy. I wasn’t sad to lose such toxic people but the principle of the thing made me nuts. I went hard into my work and came to rely on it a bit too much in the years following.
I am less angry about it now, although it admittedly isn’t hard to get my hackles up about it. My husband has also rounded a curve and is more able to go out and meet people. We have good days and bad days. It’s been six years.
Advice I’d give is to be patient with yourself. You want to be the person you were, but remember that with each experience you have a say in the person you’re becoming. Take the time you need to feel what you’re feeling, and know that these big feelings come and go like clouds after awhile. Allow yourself to feel them, and they’ll pass.
Time doesn’t heal but healing takes time ❤
I would say, “I’m so sorry that you are still hurting. Would you like to tell me more about it or do something “
I've had people (not therapists) saying "it's x time ago, haven't you dealt with this yet?" and you know, some things just keep stinging. Not constantly but sometimes the pain is there, short and sharp. My mum never met her 2 youngest grandchildren and she would soooo enjoyed them (the mother curse, it is real). That doesn't mean we don't enjoy the children but we do miss her enjoyment end delight and yes, sometimes that stinks.
I would advise to allow the pain but don't let it take over and work past it (very much like a physical injury). It is OK to relapse but don't dwell on it. And I acknowledge that it is easier to say than to do. I usually signal that I am open to listen or just to talk about the weather if they need some normalcy, not judging.
"First, the line of progress is never straight. For a period a movement may follow a straight line and then it encounters obstacles and the path bends. It is like curving around a mountain when you are approaching a city. Often if feels as though you were moving backwards, and you lose sight of your goal: but in fact you are moving ahead, and soon you will see the city again, closer by."
Martin Luther King Jr., Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?
I've been commenting like crazy, but I really realte to this. My therapist said this to me multiple times, even though it involved trauma, that shaped my life forever
Thank you as always. The days are less frequent now, but I often forget just how intense the episodes of grief and Complex PTSD can be. I had one of those days yesterday and people said it looked like I died… I am still having trouble walking today because my left leg gives out ever since 2019 idk what exactly that is about but it comes with the triggers like all the other symptoms. Anyway, it’s not bad to feel these days again, I have to remind myself of all the days that have been almost good in between the suffering. ❤
My experience with grief:
*TRIGGER WARNING: contains things that could be considered graphic imagery*
On January 22 2017 my cousin Andre Fuqua was coming home from a running marathon when he was shot in the head and thigh area by an unidentifiable assailant that ten shot his car 5 or 6 times. He was put on life support (the doctors basically knew he was not going to make it but because he was an organ donor so they needed to keep him ”alive” until they could do the transplant) until 26.
*Warning over*
It’s been 5 years and everything Jonathan said about grief is true in my experience. Grief is HARD. Grief is UNCOMFORTABLE (especially when you share that grief with people that grieve differently then you). There are STILL moments were I go numb for a little bit. To me, I’ve excepted that I probably will be mourning for the rest of my life and that if there are instances where all I can do is breath, then that’s PERFECTLY OKAY!
DON’T EVER LET SOMEONE TELL YOU TO “GET OVER IT”! They don’t KNOW your pain!
I felt that way when my mom died. I was numb for a year. It's been 15 years now. It does get easier. It never really goes away. But there will come a time when you can remember the happy times more. I was afraid I would forget her. But I promise you won't!! I can't wait to see her again in heaven!
@@dawnstonerock4253 thank you for your kind words, forgetting is a big fear of mine when it comes to grieving his death. I am glad that you seem to be healing from your mother’s death.
The other thing to keep in mind with a loss like yours, one where you feel the need to give others a trigger warning before you even can share what happened, is it's not "just" grief and morning the loss. It was extremely traumatic too. Trauma & grief intermingled is so much more all consuming, for a longer time, usually, and it leaves such an impact in a different way.
(A close colleague and friend of mine murdered his wife and then killed himself in a murder-suicide. That was really intense. And 4 years prior I witnessed my uncle's suicide death. This stuff is hard.)
@@VioletEmerald oh my gosh! I am so sorry you went through that! Yeah I have thought about that (it being traumatic) a lot, and I keep going back and forth on whether it was traumatic or not because I don’t to just through that word out carelessly
I was in my first year of college. I was struggling with SH and I was forced to go or be kicked out of school. I was told that i should have "solved all of your issues before going to college." Going to college was to escape my "issues"
I had an amazing therapist tell me when I was "shoulding" myself while working through my grief for the first time over my dad suddenly leaving my family while I was in the middle of finals at college, which also happened to be the time I was being academically dismissed for things that were out of my control(it was an art school and the professor apparently didn't like that I put my emotions into my artwork and said my presentation(which I had never had to do until I went to his class) sucked), that "you are reacting completely normally to a completely abnormal situation" and that has stuck with me 5 years later. I'm still not "over it" and have PTSD as a result of it, but I'm better than I was 5 years ago.
I must say, I loved a guy, he told me just how much he loved me too,he literally vanished and blocked me five days later, day by day he was disappearing, I asked if things were OK his side, he hadn't blocked but never returned but u can see he's put me onto ignore mode, that was 7 months ago.. and I didn't pressure him, but I said I've to look at my own self love now, it's up to myself to find the closure, and be OK with that.
But by God that hurt..I'm filling in my own voids now and it's getting me to a much happier place, it's not my business why he d8sappeared, its my business not to heal and use another to get over it.
It's been 8 years since I ended my first relationship that lasted 14 months, which unfortunately was abusive in all the ways. I often beat myself up over it happening a very long time ago, and that I should be moving on because I'm now safe from him, but I'm trying to give myself more compassion and not traumatise myself further. I am in another relationship since, which is wonderful, but I'm still processing my last relationship and all that happened in a relatively short time frame and it's slowly getting better. Luckily, my new partner is extremely patient, compassionate and kind. He doesn't mind me talking about it with him and he gives me the time and space to work through my trauma, especially as new triggers come up from time to time, but overall, I am less affected by it now. It's very comforting to know that there is no time limit or pressure to "get over it" and to now receive the love and respect I deserve is enlightening.
If I were to give someone advice, I would just say to allow themselves to take the time to grieve and more, but that they can't stay and dwell in there and that even if bad things happen, they will happen no matter what and the best thing to do is to keep pushing forward no matter how hard it is and that they are doing their best at the end of the day
Yes. Big yes. It kind of amazes me, honestly. I grew up with quite an unrestrained and massive internal live. I don't know what it's like to not wander your own and lifes abysses and see a myriad of scenarious, which, by default, will include the scariest and ugliest ones. It wasn't until recently that I noticed myself struggling with some thoughts and then catching myself in attepty to restrain those thoughts. Which baffeld me. As I'm mostly handling them like any real life situation. I redirect the scenario until it's i the "processable" range and then I observe them and feel through them till they're out. A dozen times throughout a day, if that's what it takes. Until it's derived of meaning and can be left be, like an empty husk.
And then there's thinks that won't pass for decated. Either cause they simply are part of my life, like scars that tense under certain weather or motions. Or hey are what they are until the right healing action can happen and that is sometimes outside of my hands. For example: I can prepare for a future experience of a healed and healthy romantic relationship. I've edged as close myself as I could, but I cannot replace an actual experience with an actual partner until it happens. It's not up to me if and when it does. All that is in my power, is done and prepared and processed. So, when something triggers past pains and there's no positive experience patch there yet to counter that, then it's time to grieve that this version of the future is nt here yet or may never come. It's no use to fight myself over it. It's no use to be upset with previous negative instances or currently unfulfilled or "unrealistic" hopes. They are justmessages from me to me, speaking about what else may be part of this life at some point. Or what else will hopefully not. I'm not entitled to either outcomes. But I am able to give myself permission to just be with the me that is lacking or tired or hurt or sad.
Regardless of the outside world being supportive or quite a pain, I at the very least owe to myself to allow myself to me fully me. With all the parts. And to embrace myself unconditionally. I can do the reality checks and growing and what not in a second step after that, as my own closest healer and friend.
I really really needed to hear this today… 😢
I lost my dad in June. My three siblings and I all had different reactions. Grief has no timeline.
I have no good advice. But this was pretty good advice for me to use. My daughter was already struggling early this year when she had a friendship crisis… one friend made an accusation against another. The actions were true but intent was demonized (at the time I asked multiple times for no details but to have her assurance that it was consensual… apparently it was but she felt pressured… he, however, was a clueless schmuck). Another friend supported the accuser and tried to get the whole group to turn against the accused without hearing his side. They manipulated members of the group in the name of supporting the accuser rather than being up front with them and accepting that the other friends had the right to speak to the guy to find out what he had to say for himself, their words and actions contradicted, they treated members of the group like the enemy for even speaking to the accused friend. In the end, my daughter chose to cut off the friendship with the initial two friends and the rest of the group followed her lead… to me, this just established that they were thinking along the same lines and just needed the impetus to act. She’s usually the last to let go when something goes pear-shaped, as it has a couple of times before.
So given this loss, she feels especially bad at holidays because these two friends were part of the group last Autumn. So now I know how to respond when she vents. So far I’ve let her set the tone and just reinforced to her my belief that yes, the others did follow her lead, but she didn’t cause this. Given the set of circumstances, she made the best choice available for her mental health as well as for other friends who were struggling with their own issues and who didn’t need to be accused of something they didn’t do.
I had a 4 year relationship end almost 2 years ago and I still have feelings about it, I still talk to my therapist about it, I still have things to process about that relationship and how it effected me. Healing looks different for everyone. Thank you for talking about this. 🥰
how does one stop invalidating your own feelings?
i heard someone said that a lot of the times you can trace back all of the voices in your head to your parents voices when you were young (or maybe even voices of other people, old or young). the voice that discredits your experience may have came from your mom, or your dad, or even your teacher when you told them that someone is bothering you and they shrugged it off and worse, put you in trouble for it.
for me, a lot of the times, i found that we tend too invalidate our own feelings to either save others from a bad reputation from ourselves (thinking that they are a bad person because they did something wrong because maybe they believe that and so are defensive about their mistakes when they make one or many) or because that's how we were thought to believe that ''it couldnt have been them because they are so sure that it isnt them but im not confident it isnt my fault so it must be mine...'
but if you dont find yourself in these, please do tell me! i wanna hear your thoughts!
my advice to anyone who suffers loss or grief and who feels lost or confused about it is to find a finite process that gives them the time and space to feel what they feel in the moment and a way to recognize that the feeling has passed. My example is lighting a candle, when the candle has burned out, then it's ok to say "goodbye" to that moment of feeling and have another candle ready for the next. Journaling, visualization, books, photos, talking - whatever works for them but for them to find a way to navigate themselves so they don't feel like they're hopelessly drowning. I was never the same after the worst loss I suffered, and some people bounce back after a little bit from it, but I have had to accept that I'm just different now. I have other things to grieve, and I had long sad moments that don't happen any more, but it was my own journey I wouldn't wish on anyone. The easiest thing to offer (harder to do) is to be someone who listens - no judgment, no advice, no sympathizing narrative or hijacking, or wishing they could feel better, just listening and saying you understand or that their feelings are reasonable for their experience, just let them be where they are - let yourself be where you are
When my dad, people tried to be sensitive by changing the subject any time the idea of death or my dad came up. But what I really wanted was to share with them the love that I had had for him. The best thing people could have done would have been to ask me what he was like as a person and what it was that I loved about him.
I had a breakup over 3 years ago that j havent recovered from. Just havent found anyone attractive since. And she cheated on me before she broke it off. She's rhe only person i ever felt actually loved me and she's the only person ive ever loved
HOW DID YOU KNOW I NEEDED THIS AHH got triggered recently that forced me to face the fact that I didn't feel like I deserved to grieve my five year relationship ending.. because I felt like my ex had it worse than I did so I don't deserve to cry. And it's easier to not hope for anything new
I had to deal with this from an ex, who wanted to be friends after she betrayed my trust and just kept telling me to "Get over it" because she wanted to rush past the issue and not accept or look at her part in it or understand that it really really hurt me and I can't just get over it.
The story about you missing your mom really touched me.
What a timing. Exactly what I needed right now, thank you! I have just taken a step back again having a hard time accepting my feelings. But seeing it as a process with waves, does help a bit. Looking forward to the next opportunity to let things out.
My husband and I did a short stint of marriage counseling and the counselor literally kept telling me when it was my turn to speak, that I was talking too much, saying too many words. He would shush me. 🙄
Love you guys,👌message
I literally want and feel, that I could do with listening to this video every single day
I personally don’t alllow myself to feel much - I feel like I think my way out of it and then tarnish my true feelings losing my own perspective altogether ..
I would say be honest with yourself ALWAYS - it’s extremely hard and difficult to expose when we are not
Don’t give air to ANY negative thoughts - it’s useless
But feeling *everything as you do - is Brave
Go easy on you - ask others or connect if it helps,
& never raise the importance of others at the expense of your own vulnerabilities
Or because you Care about what anyone else Thinks or Feels …
You simply *cannot CARE for you,,
if you are busy over concerning others
Validate Yourself
Find Your Own Place so that
Everything Else can fall into Place
💫
I grew up with an abusive mothe and brother and left home at 16 out of self preservation, other family members kept saying it wasn't such a big deal, one of my other brothers even said 'our mom is raising us neonazi-like (regarding the level of her strictness and expectations, not any political or race opinions) but you should get over it and just come back to live with her because it is expected of you'.
I never got how he could take it so lightly like 'yeah we're abused but what can we do' until he tried to commit suicide and i realized how much he buried deep inside.
I told a psychiatrist i went to about my family and that i could never trust my abusive brother and that i feel in danger whenever im with him, especially alone and even more so when he's in the kitchen.
He said 'it's been years, why don't you just get over it?'
He couldn't understand that whenever i saw my brother i saw his fists, his kicks, his angry shouting face, his threats, him running after me , the knifes in his hands... After a lot of hard work i can now be in the same room as him and breath freely but i could never trust him nor want to touch him
OMG these therapist and their views. I am not a therapist but if I was I would never say that. Like when I was after a break up and sad, someone I called a friend at the time said to me the line "There are a lot of Fish in the sea." And I got angry because he wanted me to take all so lightly when I was only few days after. I answered "Maybe I want my time to experience that pain a little more. Sure we broke up but my heart can't move on so fast." (I screamed it BTW and he was shocked from my reaction) But this is how I am I can't fake my feelings whatever they are. Also I told you about a line I was given from a therapist which is worthy to be here I think. But you don't give me attention. About my PTSD memories a therapist said to me "just get over it." Horrible thing to say because it never goes away. Never! A line which caused me to storm out slamming the door and crying as soon as no one saw me. Which brings me to something my dad told me when I was a kid. Which I understood later is not true but it's rooted in me "You can't cry son you are a man. Crying is for girls we man don't cry you must be strong." So many times to this day when I am sad it's not expressed via crying.
Instead of, "I shouldn't be this upset," a better way to approach that same idea is, "why am I still so upset?" It's the same phrase, but without the shame or blame and turns it toward inward reflection.
This is my basic model for other big emotions that seem out of step with the event, and I can usually figure out the trigger and work on that.
Alicia Decker: "What advice would you give someone who's gone through a hard experience, a death, a life-altering event?"
My usual response is: "I'm so sorry." when I don't know someone too well or am just being respectful. However, depending upon the situation if it's a loss of something "I'm so sorry. That just sucks." or "That is so rough." and I try to listen. When it is a mourning of death - "My words may not be enough, but you are not alone." - "The loss is real. It's so hard to lose someone we deeply care about." And sometimes I don't say anything and comfort my family or friend by hugging or holding them if it is appropriate or if they are OK with it. If not I just pat the shoulder or rub lightly on the back to comfort them if they are OK about it and let the tears out. Crying is safe with me, no matter who and what it is.
12:34 I'd probably say, "Let yourself feel whatever you're feeling." That was basically 2020 for me. The thing I felt was, "I'm not good enough." I know that's not true in 2022, and the people involved (all but one) didn't mean for me to feel that way. I may have known in 2020, but I let myself feel that way.
How bad was that advice? 😅
Not too bad. I would also add that feelings have a purpose: they communicate with us and point us towards something we need (a shoulder to cry on, a chance to laugh, room to celebrate or whatever it is). So yes, yourself feel what you feel, but I would also encourage a person to listen to those feelings and to figure what they’re saying. Drowning in sadness is not really healthy, but why are a person sad and what does the person need to stand in that sadness in a healthy way? That’s my two cents… just wanted to add it to what you had already stated
@@Ingemaja That's a good point. I think a good friend would help as well, especially for those who are neurodivergent like me. One of my friends is really good at helping me unpack my feelings cos she's really patient. You know that feeling where you know something is wrong but you don't know what is wrong? I feel that way a lot of the time, so she's good at asking the right questions. Poetry was (and still is) a good outlet for me too, so expressing feelings in words has been a big help for me
@@nobirahim1818 I know what you mean. I’m also neurodivergent (ADHD and a mild tick-disorder), and I spent far too many years feeling guilty about being born this way. I also have a really patient friend, and he has helped through a lot of difficult emotions that didn’t really make sense at the time. He’s also really good at setting clear boundaries when he needs it, without getting aggressive. Good friends aren’t always that easy to find, but they’re so important.
I also like writing. I mostly use poetry to reflect, though. I’ve used short stories to work through some more complex things (such as mourning the end of a toxic relationship). Something that I’ve also done is to write in what I call a “strange book”. It’s basically a diary, but completely uncensored: no structure, no omitting things, even letting thinking-sounds (like aaaaagghhhh) getting in there. It’s just a pure outlet to me. I find writing to be quite helpful, as it lets me listen more closely to my own thoughts, and really try to sort through them. We are, of course, different, but that’s my personal experience. You don’t have to agree with these things.
I find what you pointed out about good friends to be especially important. Thank you for bringing it up, and for posting the comment that started this little conversation 😊 The part about being neurodivergent and finding a pen (or keyboard) to be helpful was just fun things to have in common. I know that parts of society can be cruel to “outsiders”, and that it can be hard to manage emotions in the midst of everything… but it’s so good to read that you’ve found a good friend and a way of helping yourself. I’m wishing you all the best. Thank you for the things that you’ve shared here. Take care of yourself
@@Ingemaja I've got quite a few friends, actually 😅 Slowly acquired over time. They each have their strengths and different roles in my life.
Sounds interesting 😊 I probably won't do the same myself though.
It was great talking with you. Have a good day too 😊 Mine is almost over.
I really appreciate your good grammar and spelling by the way 😄
you guys are amazing!! so much helpful advice
Looking at the thumbnail I thought this will be about the "Try Guys" or Ned.
I would love for you to cover what grieving looks like in one of your "ask a therapist" segments. You often say, "allow yourself to grieve," but what does that look like? What are the different ways to grieve? How do you know if you've given yourself enough time so that you're in a healthy place when reminders of that grief come up again and that you haven't just pushed the feelings down so that they either come out sideways, explode or implode because they still need more attention.
that was a friendly reaction.
She allowed Jono to live!
Thank you for a wonderful video, once again! Could you do one on keeping a serious but temporarily long-distance (3-6 months) relationship happy? What are some things people should NOT do if they want to keep their love alive?
It’s been 13 years since I lost my mom to cancer. It was about 6 months from her diagnosis to her death. It felt even shorter though bc the chemo was working and she was greatly improving about 4 months into her diagnosis. Then the cancer mutated and came back horrendously fast and within two months took her life. I had dreams for years after where I was uncertain about whether she had died or not.
Unfortunately I already was severely struggling with my mental health before my mom developed cancer and died. Almost exactly one year before she was diagnosed, I had two suicide attempts in one month.
For reasons not of my choosing (with one exception) I’ve had to keep seeing a new therapist every year or two. Hopefully I’m with a therapist now I can stay with as long as I need to.
I share all of this because I am curious if Jonathan and Alicia would have anything to share about complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder. I’m curious if Jonathan thinks prolonged grief disorder is a legitimate diagnosis and how it would be differentiated from the grief that always will be felt after losing a loved one.
Btw, just a side note, I’m about the same age as Jonathan I believe (I’m 40 yrs old).
How to I give my parents allowing my sister to cross my boundaries repetedly to no consequence
Two? You mean twenty - two? Thirty two? Eighty two? Making a peace with your bad experience can take time, ya'know. Sometimes it just defines you.
i wanna an alicia meme of "whaaaat?" lol!
Thankfully I never had a therapist tell me this but what would you say about therapist telling their client "But they're your parents" or "You should forgive your abuser" to a client that's been physically, mentally, ect by their parents/guardians
The phrase I'm going to waddle in and should all over you made me 😆
How long is too long to grieve? I think 22 years cause that’s how long it’s been since my ex-fiancé’s grandfather died in a car crash. I tried my best to understand complicated mourning, but basically my ex froze emotionally at 16 years old and refused to move forward. He refuses to make grown-up decisions for himself like having his own place to live independent of his parents or choosing to get married and have his own children. Those are all things he wants, but he’s adopted this worldview of “life is unpredictable, so why try?”
Yeah I think it sounds like he didn't process his trauma in a healthy way and his entire worldview and approach to life was incompatible with you. It wasn't really about grief. 22 years isn't too long to still have nostalgia for memories of a person you loved and occasional small bursts of sadness at the thought of how many years too soon they died or what they missed the chance to see in the world.
@@VioletEmerald Nostalgia and sadness are one thing. He would burst into a fit of rage if anyone mentioned his grandfather’s name. I remember he threw a horribly embarrassing temper tantrum at last year’s Thanksgiving when his aunts were sharing sweet stories about their dad. He demanded they stop talking about him and when they tried to keep going, my ex stormed out of the room and stayed outside for 20 minutes. Clearly his grief is completely unprocessed. His mom said he had a complete change of personality when his grandfather died.
Admittedly I've ended up on both sides of this - being told to get over it and also telling one of my friends to get over it. It's not fair to compare trauma like that. Because ultimately it invalidates your feelings. And then you end up feeling as if your problems aren't actually problems, so why are you upset about it you big baby? Why are you seeking attention? Stop being upset about it and grow up and get a life!
It's no way to live when you don't feel accepted enough to feel the way you feel.
When I met husband he was 27, and the way he talked about his father who passed away when he was 15, made it seem like the wound was still fresh. I didn't realize how much he was still grieving. I've met people who've lost a parent but they weren't at this low point in grieving after a few years of the loss. I founded very strange that he was still upset and still is. He moved out of the country and still avoids that country because it reminds him of his dad. He's 34 now and still feels this way. It's like he's stuck. Maybe it's because he's not allowing himself to grieve. His mom is in a similar state. There are times where she still can't see her son because he looks so much like his dad. She still dresses like she is 20 years younger from when she lost her husband. She still has her husband's clothes and books and she has the house preserved in a certain state to a point where when me or other guests arrive we're not allowed to touch or move certain things. Everything has to be kept just as it is. She's like this with her grandparents apartment. Preserving everything just as she remembers it from her childhood. The apartment is old and needs repairs, it should even be sold, but she won't budge. It's been a lifelong problem of hers.
I myself never had a bad therapist, but I've met one. Back when I was in mental hospital, we used to sit in the lobby in the evening, playing games, talking, laughing, crying, sharing how our day went and all that. After all, if you spend your whole day for months with each other in a setting in which you are mostly very mentally open and emotionally vulnerable, you bond fairly quickly. One of those evenings, and one of those that were very fun, we were laughing and a "therapist" from a different ward crossed the lobby and with a straight face told us: "If you are that happy, you're at the wrong place here." And we were all like... "hhhWHAT" like you're learning for months and months on end how to be happy and how to find joy in small things and when we find that she thinks we're not supposed to be in a mental hospital??? It was so bad that it was actually hilarious. We called her the Ice Princess. A few days later we went to our ward leading psychologist and told her what the Ice Princess was saying to us. Turned out she also emotionally effed over a few of her patients in her ward and she was fired a week later.
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The same goes for expecting someone to experience intimacy and romance the way you do and tease them for "not having a romantic bone in their body" because they don't consider sex as intimacy and would rather connect in any other way. When they have sex it's not for them it's for the other person, they don't find closeness in it, or fulfillment. Especially when you know one reason they were reluctant to marry you in the first place was BECAUSE they didn't want to have sex. If there wasn't a kid in the picture they wouldn't have married you at all...but you keep acting like there is something wrong with them because they don't respond to you playfully suggesting they get naked with enthusiasm or reciprocating it, they don't playfully paw at you back. Sorry, friend, they didn't lead you on they told you straightforwardly what was going on and you still chose to move forward and get married even though they would have supported you running the other way and finding someone else.
When I read the title, my first thoughts were “with the right context, this advice isn’t horrible,” but the big caveat is that it needs to align with Jonathan’s advice of “what is holding you back from moving more forward than you are?” Sometimes we get stuck in a loop and have trouble working ourselves out of it, so talking about what is still bothering us could help make the path forward a bit clearer. But yes, the judgment of the timeline would have to get tossed for it to be helpful.