Therapist Reacts To... Why It's Ok To Let Friendships Fade Out...
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- Опубліковано 23 сер 2024
- Therapist Reacts To... Why It's Ok To Let Friendships Fade Out... //
Why it's ok to let friendships fade out, a BBC article by Bryan Lufkin. Find out this therapists reaction to the article when it comes to best friends, fake friends, toxic friends, toxic friendships, best friends, and the feelings of not wanting to see friends anymore. Watch this video for the social science of the people we need in our lives.
Link to original article: www.bbc.com/wo...
Therapist Reacts To... Psychological Hurtful Things Said by Our Parents
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I think missing someone is a good indicator but not enough reason to re-connect, I think we also need to consider if its going to be healthy for us. sometimes we miss people but they can be toxic. we can test the water first at least, that's what I'd do.
its comforting knowing that while a friend may be important in your life forever, they were important during the time in which they were supposed to be, and you would not be the person you are today without them. ANd they would not be the person they are without you.
It's kinda beautiful
Amen!
I had a best friend since we were 14 (around 2009). But we were online friends and could never meet up because we lived in different countries. This worked out kind of great for me, because I've always had anxiety about meeting up with people in person. And we talked basically every day for years and years. But the last few years (2018-2020) I felt like I was trying harder than he was to keep in touch. I felt like he was "humoring" me by replying, because after about 10 minutes of talking he'd just stop. And I'd be left in the dust feeling sorry for myself.
I just couldn't wrap my head around the thought of my daily life NOT involving him. But it hurt everytime I thought about him. The one person I used to love most in the world suddenly made me feel useless and unwanted.
It's been over a year now since I talked to him. It hurts a little less each day. But the idea that we haven't talked because I specifically haven't reached out to him just feels like a confirmation of those thoughts.
It's hard to accept that this friendship is really over.
i;m sorry i've been there. ig sometimes life takes ppl away from u, i hope u feel better eventually, and let this person live on in ur heart
Recently, despite knowing that it’s okay to let friendships ebb and flow, I had to remind myself to be patient with the person I was reaching out to repeatedly. It’s okay if it’s not the right time for a certain friendship. After an emotional discussion with my friend who was being distant, I told her I’d be there ready to pick up where we left off if she ever decided she wanted to reconnect. I hope I can continue to be someone who is at peace with the seasons friendships pass through. Sometimes it’s hard.
You know what's funny? When I go to church I feel depressed afterwards because I get told how bad humans are and that we don't deserve all the good things we have. And then I go to Mended Light or Cinema Therapy and afterwards I'm happy again because I know that even though we're flawed and imperfect, we still deserve each other, we still deserve love and friendship and happiness.
Religion is weird🤔
Yeah, that's such a weird part of religion, isn't it? I come from a Catholic family, and the Catholic church was much the same. I still believe in the Catholic God, but my belief is that he is an empathic god - if we were made imperfect, then it was intended to be that way, and there's no reason for us to feel bad about being so human. Religions should focus on positivity and celebration of life, rather than trying to shame everyone over things we cannot control.
The saddest part of any religion is when they say that we should suffer.
Men are that they might have joy. Not suffering!
It could be a matter of how these things are being talked about in your community, or how the concepts are being framed. I'm an Orthodox Christian, and this is how I tend to look at it, and how I believe it tends to he discussed in the groups I'm a part of:
God is the ultimate good. God possesses infinite love, which is the greatest of all gifts.
Am I worthy of the ultimate good? Do I *deserve* the most valuable of all possible gifts? Am I *worth* that in a literal sense, i.e., if this were a market transaction, would *I*, in my limited capacities and imperfections, be equal in value to what is being offered to me? No. Of course not. Because that isn't the point.
It's *not* a market transaction. I don't have to be equal in value to the highest possible good. It's not a question of what I deserve. God loves me, unconditionally. It's not something I have to work for. I don't have to earn it. But I do work, because that love makes me better. I am wounded with imperfections, and love heals. I continue to try being better, not because I'll ever be equal to the gift, but because I'm grateful for it.
Sounds like you need to visit a different church. Faith in Christ is supposed to leave you feeling refreshed and hopeful, not down and depressed.
I have very low social batteries, so I really appreciate the friends that we DON'T need to get together often for them to feel at ease. I'm learning to pay more attention to when people try to guilt me if I've had to pull away for being really busy, and those who are completely understanding.
This hits me really hard in the gut. This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. I have a lot of long distance friends that I haven't seen in years since we all moved to different places (best friends from high school). Trying to connect has always been an issue across time zones. I'm usually the only one making the effort to keep up communication. It definitely leaves me feeling alone some times. But then I remember everyone is just trying to get through their days and all the stress they deal with. A quick hello message or text to them, might cheer them up and quiet my anxiety about being shunned or alone.
The realization that you're the only one making effort hits hard. But continuing making effort one-sidedly hits even harder.
you will resent them if the relationships remain so one-sided. you deserve more than that.
I feel relieved watching this because for some time I thought that I was being stupid for not making an effort to reconect with some of my friends.
When my dad passed away 8 months ago I stayed in touch with a few friends and I thought it was a bad thing but now I know that I didn't really NEED those friends (and that didn't make the effort to check on me either) because my life was changing and they weren't the right fit for me anymore.
I saw the video for the IT movies and you mentioned that having a group of people that share experiences with you helps on the process of healing. I love my friends, but I feel like it's time for me to really open about my situation with someone that can understand me. I don't want to cry and have dark feelings without getting anywhere.
It would be interesting to hear something about how to deal with a long time friend not wanting to remain friends
you deserve to be valued.
I recently drifted away from a friend who I realize was very toxic and codependent with me. I have no intention of reconnecting with him ever again. Can you do a video on recognizing toxic friendships or recognizing when a relationship is starting to become codependent?
I'm very introverted, so I keep in touch with very few people. And they are the ones I rarely talk to ad it's always wonderful when we find time to reconnect. We don't really do apologies other than sometimes "sorry, I wanted to reach out sooner" on occasions. Mostly it works cause I've made a thing of setting clear rules. I make known that I vanish for months on a regular basis and give them permission to do the same and we have the space to tell each other when time is not right to get in touch. Via "I want to but I'm not in the right place to do so right now". Which is why my rare calls with them never end below two hours X'DDDD
When I'm focused on them/us I fully wanna be there! I don't want to feel off, i dont want them to feel off. And I build them up in being self-sufficient emotionally and also to take care of their needs and have as many ppl around as they require and really to give way to how they truly feel. It's my nature (for better and worse) so it's something I can offer as support.
I do not uphold conections that do not accomodate both sides enough. I'm strict about it. I notice when they're unhappy with me not being as they'd like me to be and that's when I either help them shift or pull out. I'm too clear about myself and my abilities and the things that aren't me, to ignore when things start to take a bad turn due to mismatch.
I think one of the most helpful things my mother told me early on is to set my expectations that friends in primary school, highschool, college or working are necessarily going to be the same. She told me that people grow and sometimes we end up having various paths and values. Hence even at a child, I understood I dont have to keep up with everybody but just to live my life.
Thank you. I needed this. I have someone that I've thought of as "my best friend" since we became classmates when we were 10. And we were good friends; we got along; we bonded over pop culture and whatnot. But I hadn't realized until recently that our friendship wasn't a very deep one despite my affection for her. She went to high school at a different school, and we started to grow apart from then; even then, I still thought of her as my best friend. She eventually relocated in the U.S. while I stayed in the Philippines. I started to notice that something was off when I would find pictures on her social media of her having been back in the Philippines and hanging out with her high school best friend; and when I would ask if she wanted to hang out with me too, she would tell me that she was already back in the U.S., without telling me. It's very painful. More recently, I greeted her a Merry Christmas in 2020 and then she told me that she had her first baby that day. She never told me about her boyfriend; she never told me about her marriage; she never told me she was pregnant. I had an inkling that even if I were in the same country, she wouldn't think to invite me into her life. We still greet each other on each other's birthdays, but that's about it. My sisters have told me that I'm probably just a chapter in her life. It was tough. My other friends have faded out; I have a college friend that left social media, and it felt painful to think that she's okay with never having to connect with me. I'm probably going to have a pathetic wedding with, like, 10 people.
Honestly, I think society pushes for us to have hundreds of friends when in reality we might have only five close friends who know us cover to cover. It's okay to only have a small close-knit of people who care about you. In my opinion, having a small wedding sounds so much nicer than a large one.
I think its important to remember that with time we change, our values may not match up anymore and continuing it may not be beneficial anymore.
A question I have started asking myself in recent years when trying to decide whether to continue with a friendship or relationship is this:
"Does this person make my life better simply for them being in it?"
If the answer is no. Then it's time to cut ties and move on.
It works on the reverse too, to check in with yourself if you are putting in enough effort to be a positive in their lives.
This is funny. I just had a conversation with someone on this topic.
I personally 100% agree. Especially when you have little energy to begin with it can be difficult to keep in touch with people. I care for the people in my life, but I don't always have the energy for every person. Which doesn't mean I don't like them, not at all. I also might feel fine having a conversation with A every day, but struggle to even reply
to B's message.
I find that open communication is the best thing to do. I am very open about this part of myself these days and it has made it possible to keep friendships that otherwise might have ended, maybe even on a bad note. Of course I also am not upset when I am not replied to and don't take it personally. It has taken out a lot of shame and guilt in my relationships and made it easy to reconnect.
Thank you for the video. You explained it so well. I will send it to the person I had the conversation with 😃❤️
I would love it if you did a video about how to navigate maintaining friendships as an adult. Especially as an adult with children. This is something I've been greatly struggling with because everyone's needs are so different. Most of the time many of my friends are just plain busy. I came to realize that I relied on the church as my social interaction a lot because I am so busy at home. Tie that in with being an introvert with some social anxiety, it's a struggle. It hit me when we were on lockdown and had zoom church. It was just not the same. Also, the church is one of the few places where I can be around people who have similar standards and beliefs as I do. I have friends outside of my faith, but they would rather be with other people where they can be openly vulgar, smoke and drink. When I do attend social gatherings, I often feel like the person in the background while everyone else around me seems to have better relationships with each other than they do with me. I oftentimes feel like I'm spending so much of myself on my kids and family that I just don't have anything left in my well to extend out to my friends on a more consistent basis. This seems to be the situation with a number of my friends too. Our energy wells just get used up.
Thia is really helpful for me right now. I have felt like I have been such a bad friend lately. I've never really thought about friendships like this before. It makes sense that friendships can work like waves. Sometimes they are really strong and your talking everyday and staying up to date about everything. Other times you meet/talk every now and then and that is okay. Thanks for this video. It really helped my perspective!
Thank you. I need to know this because I always chat with my friends to see if they are alright, I always check upon them, and I always thought that that was my job as a friend to know if they needed help or not because I thought that they are too shy to ask or busy to ask for help.
You sound like a great friend! Glad we could help :)
I apologised to 2 of my friends for being a bad friend myself, one of them accepted it with open arms and we became better friends. Another one immediately cut me out. And I am grateful for both occurrences. Such things help you filter out people you no longer need in your life.
I've found, over the course of my life, that having ANY number of friends is a "chore". I'm fortunate to have family I'm close with, but I frequently wonder how people are able to make and maintain meaningful friendships that last for years. As an adult, I have no idea how to make friends in real life. I haven't made a human friend outside of work since I was maybe 11? It's always been deeply mystifying how people do it. Online, it's fairly easy to make new friends, but internet friends only last as long as you have things in common, and they often don't get to see all "sides" of you.
I have a childhood friend who I would go months and months without speaking with, we’d catch up & in my soul it felt like a chore. I’ve let this friendship come to a natural end. Relationships are hard, I get that, but I don’t think they should be a chore
On point, Jono! People come and go and I don’t feel guilty about those ebbs and flows anymore. I’m at the point in my life where I can chose my friends so I try to keep only positive influences in my life.
You know, this is going to sound nuts but this has given me some clarity on a friendship I've had. We used to be the best of friends but they've, at least from my perspective, seemed insecure. I've had my own problems to be perfect for the people around me and that's my deal I'm working on. But whenever I disagreed with them in a group setting or I didn't lash out verbally to protective as I did a lot when we were younger (Note: I was a very hurt and angry kid so the only I could protect and had control over was my friends but anger was too much and it isolated me from the world, save very few people), they always said, 'You're not on my side.' and it stuck with me a hurt me a lot because I always tried to do the best I could but it never seemed enough for them. Finally, tipped over the edge and said were done. Hadn't spoke to them directly besides group conversations because we still shared the same friendship group. I mourned the lost relationship but I had people who were there for me. But recently they've reached out to ask if we'd ever go back to the same place. I've been still so hurt and resentful, I haven't been able to let go yet, I'm working on it. I felt guilty like I was a bad person because I couldn't forgive and let the pain go. But watching this...I realised I don't want them back in my life, and that's ok. I realised I don't want to reconnect and I don't want to put in the effort into that relationship and that is perfectly fine. I still have pain to process but that's my journey and I'll do that at my own pace. Sorry for the long post, but thank you Johnathan. You're videos are always insightful and brings perspective that I didn't even realise was there. Thank you.
So many of my friendships have just split apart and we just aren't friends anymore -- been happening all my life, especially since we moved a lot when I was a kid. My dad on the other hand has had the same best mate for over 60 years. I don't think it's bad to fall out of touch. Although social media has been a great way to reconnect as much or as little as you need.
When I finished primary school, my class was divided in other classes. My best friend at that time and I were sorted into different classes, and I was very sad and upset about that. But from then on my life began to change. I didn't sit and talk with a group of friends during breaks. I rarely visited anybody anymore, until I met a new best friend through the local youth band. And now the both of us have left that band and I rarely talk to her anymore as well, and now I've got a new group of friends that I met over the internet. And who knows, maybe in three or four years we'll break up as well, and then I'll find new friend. Maybe we'll be best friends forever, how can we know? Sometimes I think back on the good times I had with my old friends, and then I feel sad, because we'll probably never get back to how we were back then. But I realize that we've started to drift apart and that all of us are completely different persons now and that we probably don't fit together anymore, and that's okay because people change, and now I've got new friends. The point is... I just wanted to write that down to get my head clear, I guess.
Great and highly relatable subject! Thank you for talking about it, for me personally it's a big deal and your advice helped a lot! Love your work!
Thank you for this video
I wish someone had told me this a few years back because one of my best friends had a falling out with me, and I felt like it was all my fault. I still struggle with it sometimes, but videos like this help remind me it wasn't my fault
Tysm for this dude it's the reassurance I didn't know I needed !!
I let go of a friend after I graduated from high school. We just didn’t connect like we used to. We both changed as people. I just kinda stopped talking to him. I didn’t feel bad because he also didn’t try talking to me. And I’m very happy with my situation. It really felt like a chore to hang out with. Like I had to, because we had been friends for so long. I also just hated what we did when we hung out. Graduation was a great way to just lose touch. I know it sounds like a jerky thing. But I don’t regret my choice. It’s not like I’ll ignore him. I just won’t make any first moves.
I have absolutely no trouble reaching out to someone I care about, no matter how long it’s been.
What I find infinitely harder is creating distance with someone when it’s the best thing for me but they can’t take a hint.
just tell them directly.
Thank u for this video....
I so needed to hear this right now. Thank you!
I love this series thank u
So glad! We love having you here!
Definitely one of my constant guilts.
As an introvert, I am aware that I get aloof sometimes, so when I make new friends I establish the expectation early. I tell them it's just my communication style to not text for a week sometimes, then when the time comes to take some introvert time, I give them a heads up that I'm going to be off the grid and how long I will do so. It seems to work really well because we all appreciate the transparency
I stay in touch with the people who share the same values and morals as me as that's really hard to find. And of course the obvious, I enjoy spending time with them! If it's been awhile and it's a friend that I'm not quite as close with I usually lead with "I'm not sure if you want to keep in touch but I'd love to get together/talk/etc".
Another great video!
I’m in the latter boat of not having many friends. I’ve always been socially inept in one way or another, so my number of friends is pretty slim. With that said, I do still have some friends that we’ve had our season pass. High school mates that have married and moved out of state and the like. There’s a Facebook messenger group chat that we’re all on and occasionally message each other on, so that’s fun. Other than that, I have my family that I live with and I don’t think that any of us gonna stop being friends anytime soon 😊
I’ve always looked at friendships like the tide , they come in they go out
No harm no foul
Thanks.. thought provoking...
One of the best ways I’ve learned how to decide what friendships to invest in and which ones to let go is asking this question:
Does this person help or hinder me in becoming the best version of myself and who I want to be?
Great points.
Thank you so much for taking the time to create this new channel and making these videos. I really needed to hear this.
Thank you for this video! 😊
Thank you. Thank you for that. It hurt me so much for so long. I feel changed.
So basically, this guy thinks it’s ok to use people for what you need right now and then discard them when you don’t. That’s not manipulative or abusive at all. Got it 👍
i have 2 friends , one ive been friends since kindergarten, and the other is recent , sometimes they are bad sometimes they’re good, but they really stress me ,
In this more mobile society we probably have a too idealized and overly romanticized view of friendship.
Ed McMahon said that after Johnny Carson retired he tried to keep in touch by phone but "after a while I felt like I was intruding."
I've had several people turn on me over the years, turn hostile, My Rule of Life is that if people don't value my friendship theirs is worth even less to me.
I think I have some friendships that just don't bring me joy anymore. Being around them is tedious and I'm glad when there's distance again. Atm they don't reach out either, and yet I sometimes feel like I'm a bad person, for neither reaching out nor just ending the relationship. Is there even a need? If they don't reach out and I do not either, then is it ok to just let it go, without talking about it?
I've been abroad for 5 years, now I'm trying to reconnect with everyone, with some people it's easier, but with others it's probably going to take some more time. Some people have new families and that keeps them busy, so friendship will take a little more patience and effort I guess...
At the moment I don't really have a lot of friends. Since a little over a year ago I had a falling out with two of my friends which led to losing most of them. While I don't feel it's necessary to have them in my life, it's taken sometime to cope with the end result.
What does hurt though however is that I lost my childhood best friend who wasn't really involved in the fall out. I've tried reaching out to her with minimal response, such as asking her for help or inviting her to go to the shop. There is no effort from her even though she still acts friendly towards me during the moments we've met since last year. Funny thing though is that we live in the same building and her door is literally next to mine, so I feel like it shouldn't be that hard to reach out? I know she isn't particularly busy because she plays video games with my old friends and my brother.
Should I just give up on our friendship?
I've been trying to make new friends since last year but I find it very difficult. I'm introverted and there's been a pandemic. I'm also struggling to know who I am or why anyone would want to be my friend. My old friends certainly doesn't want me so why would anyone else?
Idk man...
I certainly can't give therapy advice, I'm not a therapist. But I can say that there are people out there who will want you as a friend. Just because one person isn't showing a whole lot of interest doesn't mean that no one will show interest. It's hard but hopefully it will work out. 😊
Usually a shift in my Friends is happening, if I change live stages. Like a change from school to university. Usually I keep some friends from every stage. But I dissconnect with some People from a stagt, after the stage ends.
Usually I don't choose consciously. But a lot of Times they are friends that I connected with mainly about subjects from school and these are the friendships that don't work out after school and so on.
I think without facebook, I would have forgotten most of the people I met in my 40 years of existence. Those I do keep in contact with often are friends that I met in my youth. I guess it's also because I'm somewhat of a hermit.
How do I know if I have good friends?
Great video! But just because you reach out to someone doesn't mean you'll have a happy ending. I had friends and we would see each other a lot on holidays and birthdays then somehow we started seeing each other less and less. First they were busy and then stopping including us and then they stopped calling. I reached out to them several times because life is life and yes I understand that people are busy. But then it was just nothing but excuses and more excuses and I realized that Ino longer need these people in my life. I wish them well but I got tired of reaching out to them and getting the same excuse and also they stopped reaching out to me when I wouldn't call. I have absolutely no desire to reconnect with them and that is ok.
❤️
I have a friend we were super close. when i moved 2 hrs away we kept in touch but every time i was in my old area and could have met her she cancelled on me for some reason. i was very disappointed then. i got pregnant. she talked about coming to see me. never did. when i was in the area with my kid - always canceled on me. my kid is 8 now and she has never met him in person because she always canceled. i havent seen her in over 8 years ad at this point i no longer care
flake
You guys should consider doing Doom Patrol, literally any character, but honestly Jane/Kay would be great!! 🤞🏻🤞🏾🤞
I was ghosted by one of my best friends and it really hurt. The last time I saw her, I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. To this day I don’t know why our friendship ended.
On the flip side, I’ve wanted to end relationships with friends, not because I don’t care about them or enjoy hanging out with them, but because their friendships come with complications, complications that out weigh the positive aspects of the friendship. Still, I stick by them.
I have a friend who complaines about how we don't have enough visit dates. But lve told her that I'm closetrophobic and don't feel comfortable in her house because she's a horder. She still complaines to this day and she's still not doing anything about her hording . Until she does , I'm not going over. Does that make me a bad friend cause her husband thinks I am. She often forgets to come to the visit at my house. she'll say there's an appointment that she forgot, she overslept she thought it was on another day. When I get upset she turns on the waterworks and makes me the bad guy. Is this friendlship still worth saving ? I'm not sure myself .
Do you guys even actually like each other?
you not wanting to go to her cramped house because you are claustrophobic are you setting a healthy boundary. her continuous flaking on coming over is her being a douchebag.
Alles was mir gut tut findet auch einen Platz in meinem Leben.
Base her and finish.
Be kindly , frindly and polit.
Independence with or without is not easy responsibiliity for it not much Person want take care for.
So how have friends of your own life take their choose for have you in their life?
Money, be mighty by influential, or or or.
Iam See from my mobil,
That you not happy!
Why?
Change it please.
Me dont like!😘😏