Damn.. Dr K nailed it on this one. I especially agree near the end. I like how you explained the beginnings of religion and how people today are simply regurgitating information rather than living the experience themself. This is very true.
I'm going to combine both of these for a minute.. it's kind of reminding me of Jordan Peterson lecture talking about "saving your father from the depths" regarding religion. If people are simply repeating standards and ideas from a religion or belief system but nobody is connected in a sense of living that idea or have experienced some kind of enlightenment then we're following a script. In order to properly revive spirituality we must first start within ourselves.
My professor in psychology who also taught existentialism once mentioned that the world is like a pitch black room and our conscious awareness shines a light on things within that room. What we choose to focus in on is where the light is placed, and it means we can easily miss some aspects of our experience because we are too focused on others. In a way I can see that people overly focused on work and success (or anything really) don't realize they need to shift their flashlight so they can see there is more to life than just an endless grind. Cancer sort of helped me with that. I still struggle with feeling behind, but I also deeply appreciate the friends who were with me during the recovery process, and I've come to understand that though I may now be in debt because of the treatment, it also is not the end of me. I find myself becoming more aware of the role that adversity and torment can play in making us appreciate aspects of our lives more. I shall endure. In enduring, I shall grow strong.
Well said, I wish you a full recovery. As a euroguy I'm assuming you live in the US and it still baffles me that getting chronically sick means you basically live in debt the rest of your life. Hope you manage to grow out of your debt and wish you all the best.
My problem with your professor's analogy is that looking away doesn't make the ugly things disappear. They're still there, looming over your shoulder behind you. Forcing yourself to only face one direction is no different from sticking your head in the sand. You could argue that you can live life focused on the positive while still acknowledging that the negative side exists. Great. But it's still there. Whether or not you acknowledge it makes no difference.
I think one of the advantages of the hunter gatherer lifestyle is fight/flight resolution. If you are attacked by a lion you run fight or die, either way, it is resolved. In civilized life, an exam or stressful work event can trigger a fight/flight response, but you can't do either and this just repeats ad nauseum.
Idk man I wouldn’t call being brutally bitten and mauled to pieces by a beast a “resolution”. Life really, really sucks but it’s still wayy better than before
@@luenanda4432 life is indeed better, we can have better health care than medieval royalty and all that, but it does not change the fact that we are still wired as hunter gatherers which can have some strange effects on how we experience modern life. Advantage was the wrong word to use.
@@terranexile3681 That’s very true man. Modern life kind of went too fast for our brains to handle, and the stress definitely sucks. We’ve got an alarming amount of people suffering from mental illness, and a ton more are in states of hopeless despair. I’d say finding a balance would be a neat idea, personally. Still do our life chores(sucks), but sometimes going out of our way to get out into nature and put ourselves in some sort of risk scenario. Maybe not life-death, but something that challenges us out there to scratch that primal instinct we still and will (maybe) always have.
Dr. K, please do a deep dive on Limerence: Context: It seems the root of my suffering stems from two things: 1. Wanting something I can't have. 2. Having something I don't want. The former: I feel limerence toward someone that is essentially a fantasy or lost cause. My current solution: I cover or blanket this suffering through suffering. What do I mean: I distract, challenge, or force myself through personal projects, hobbies, or bettering myself through physical or cerebral training/development. However, my mind, my body, and my heart won't let go. Freewill: "I can't want to," or I can't force myself to let go. "Killing" Myself: - I feel I need to sacrifice a part of what makes me me. - I reinvented myself in the last five years, but it feels like I haven't changed. -- I feel like a former shell of myself -- I look back and see the change -- When I look where I am, I'm at square one. Gratitude, distraction, discomfort only go so far.
YES!!! I was happy until I experienced limerence at the age of 16 and for the last 12 years life has been somewhere between difficult and absolute hell. This is what destroyed my mental health and fucked up my life.
Wow. Not sure if any of my advice would be useful but I had some thoughts I wanted to share. It sounds like you already realize three things: 1) you need to let go 2) despite *knowing* you need to let go, you can't force your emotions to line up with that knowledge 3) you need to stop using other methods to avoid confronting the truth about #1 and #2. In a romantic context, I have not gone through the same limerance, but 1, 2, and 3 are all things I've struggled with in my own ways. I think your hobbies, personal improvement, etc all sound like great activities to be engaging in. The problem is they won't benefit you if your motivation is to run away from your problems. Meditation is useful here, I literally just spend time feeling shitty and being like "ok, I'm gonna sit here and experience this". Not gonna grab a drink, blast lound music, punch something, smoke weed, order domino's, or whatever else I might want to do. Just sit there and feel emotions. Ouch. But it helps. Free will: I still have the same problem and would appreciate advice from the rest of the internet, I think letting go only happens after you stop wanting to let go. Theory is easier than practice, and I've been able to slowly get more comfortable with myself, which in turn starts to alievate the thing I was suffering from. But it's still true that I cognitively know how to improve my situation but telling myself to "cut it out" doesn't work, and integrating my knowledge into lived experience is a difficult task that I'm not sure I fully understand myself. "Killing yourself": You're right, you still haven't adressed the problems you had 5 years ago. "I feel I need to sacrifice a part of part of what makes me me" - I'm not sure how to react to that but I feel like I know what you mean - maybe that means working on self-acceptance and realizing you don't need to "prove" yourself or do anything to be deserving of love. Yes, we should do shit with our lives and be good people, but everyone deserves love just for being alive. - maybe that also means realizing that "you" are just an aggregate of thoughts, emotions, senses, experiences, etc and that clinging to any identity or self-image too tightly can cause problems. In Buddhism this is the non-self teaching. Historically this came from refuting the Hindu idea of the Atman (soul) being identical to Brahman (ultimate reality). Hinduism (specifically Vedanta) believes in the soul and the "true self", Buddhism not so much. I would consider looking into these teachings and seeing if you resonate with one perspective more than the other. Also, I think given the proper set and setting, psychedelic experiences can be a useful tool in this process of figuring this shit out and working on the individuation process. It's not for everyone and obviously there are still legal barriers, so I can't recommend it outright, but I think I would be neglecting something if I wrote this comment without mentioning it.
My mom was born overseas and got to America at around 14 years old she graduated high school and then immediately started working and continue to work her ass off everyday until she was 69 years old. She then retired and they moved down to Florida and within a few months she was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor and 10 months later she passed away. This woman never harmed a soul never got even so much as a traffic ticket and worked very very hard her entire life...... for what??!! Life sometimes seems like a curse
Life is not our friend regardless of who we are and what we have. We are not here to be happy nor to even live well enough to maintain ourselves mentally, physically and emotionally. We are here to suffer immensely to then inevitably die as though we were nothing to begin with. “Life“ is dystopia and so many are blind to it, but I feel more are waking up.
maybe that's what makes her able to works so hard for so long. because her purpose for her children. best we can do is being the best for our children as well.... but ahhhh the cycle when will it stop😢
I wish I could talk to Dr. K, I always get something out of every video. I haven't really had any role models in my life but Doc is someone I genuinely look up to. One day I hope!
Not gonna lie, last time I had a slip and my daddy issue was at the doors was towards Long John Silver when I watched Disney's Treasure Planet as teenager. Concept of caring older than me man that understands protags issues and will gladly share wisdom was uncomfortable, I shut it, put harder mental barrier. Doc breached this gate open splintering it to pieces so casually that I didn't even notice for months after that something is different, no pain involved. Referencing last vid - it's soo nice to have such "senior elephant", even if just on screen, not my personal and without a chance to share my thoughts back to him. This will have to suffice.
Goddamn. Out of desperation, I had been googling "how do I live" and whatnot. I have watched many other videos, got the skills for anxiety, depression, adhd, etc. But... aside from the coping and staying afloat, how do I actually live? My heart stopped for a moment when I saw the new upload. I can't thank and recommend your channel enough.
Really good stuff! My problem is I think I want to be depressed and angry some days. I also struggle with simple things like human interactions, Ill walk the long way to not have to see or interact with another person. My disdain for interacting with other people has made me fall way behind in life. all I want in life is peace and quiet away from people. I love walking deep into the woods where I know no one will find me and just do nothing, stare at a tree, let my mind wander, it's just so wonderful.
@@YesIHaveManyProblemsThanksnever think you're alone or have it worse. It's not the panacea for not feeling bad but some solace knowing everyone has their own struggles.
Well people caused all my trauma, so I'm not a fan. Many are ignorant and in denial of the trauma they've endured and perpetrated. When I'm alone in the woods I'm safe from people. I'm free from judgement, criticism, and expectations. I'm free to simply exist and be in nature. I'm fully human when alone in nature. It's peaceful.
To the last point: Something that I find really makes this stick is how people using psychadelics often describe it as a really spiritual experience that reframes their outlook on life. Like how someone fresh off LSD will talk to you about the whimsical nature of autumn leaves turning brown and yellow, or how the sound of rain is soothing (rather than the drab grey in grey visual aesthetic of a rainy day). It kinda reminds me of how I used to experience the world as a child - things are generally just way more fun, when you're not (yet) weighed down by the weight of a future that's not set in stone yet.
Have you tried lsd? Because this perfectly describes my experience. It turned me into a kid. I was endlessly curious about the most trivial details. Possibilities were suddly endless. I was goofy and full of joy. One of the happiest days of my adult life. Probably the hapliest. It truly was like being a child again. Honestly the trippy visuals were a distant intrigue for me compared to how it affected my way of experiencing life
Someone once told me "being neurodivergent makes life an underpaid job". We quite literally aren't given the same dopamine for the same work. Living life like that is literally like working a job where you're not paid what you're worth.
That's not really how the brain works, and dopamine is more associated with precursor motivation rather than reward. Almost everyone under the age of 30 nowadays has some form of ADD, which shows that this is not really a genetic thing in the majority of cases. Technology addiction is extremely prevalent and does not require a genetic predisposition. Just quit your electronic life for a week or 2 (computer, phone, internet, video games, and even tv if you'd like), and I *guarantee* you will feel like a new person who naturally appreciates the small things in life. These devices are essentially drugs.
@@gLitCheRR44 I'm summarizing, and obviously your brain and life aren't "jobs". It's a metaphor, bro. And an extremely accurate one. Also, source? "Where the sun don't shine" doesn't count, I'm afraid.
Not neurodivergent to my knowledge, but I feel this so deeply I hate doing so many things involved with general life, and nobody seems to understand. Like, when I talk about hating the dishes people will say, "Yeah they suck, but I usually just listen to music or something," and they just don't seem to get it. It's just dishes over and over and then one day you die and someone else has to finish your dishes
@@EzaleaGraves yeah and even like pleasurable stuff, like eating. I love food. But I gotta decide meals for every day, shop for them, make them, then eat them, every. single. effing. day. 😞 😮💨
The only (two, actually) things that are literal are your feelings and thoughts. Talk with yourself on that level and not on a high-level dopamine-deficiency concept, it's the opposite of literal. It sounds like it explains something, but if you think about it, it does not help at all. If you tie your happiness to this explanation you will just suffer because you can't influence dopamine (except with drugs, but it's still just a theory), but you can process your feelings and thoughts.
A wonderful combination of physiology, psychology, philosophy, and spirituality all meaningfully targeted at a very real problem. Great advice as always Dr. K. I needed reminding of this today, thanks :) Gonna print "Where do you like apples?" on a t-shirt and wear it every day
It's undervalued more than anything. Blame the people for making the government be comprised of lip serving grifters and as a consequence keeping your profession in disarray. The world needs teachers, it is the only frontline at giving the commonfolk a chance of becoming something. Understand that rude, obnoxious children are byproducts of their upbringing (intelligence (let alone EQ) does not bar procreation unfortunately). While I know that it would be unreasonable to ask one to go out of one's way to help such children (as such children are the majority and will never cease to grow as long as society favors the scum that procreates them) it would be a disservice to neglect the ones that do desire to become more. You will know that you have found one when their desire to learn is not in the pursuit of status (children don't have any real idea of what it takes to become something so they will say anything to make them look good (same could be said for adults)).
Oh man I really feel for you. The girl who got voted “most likely to succeed” at my high school became a middle school teacher. I felt so bad for her when she cheerily announced her college major. I haven’t been on Facebook in ages but I remember one of the last things I saw on there was her bemoaning how much she hated her job but couldn’t afford to go back to school. She didn’t know how to leave the school environment where she felt like top dog. She was too scared to try for something else. She loved her comfortable STUDENT experience and therefore incorrectly assumed she wanted to be a TEACHER. It is for this reason I feel people shouldn’t be allowed to choose teaching as a profession until they have had another salaried job first. I feel so sad for kids that go straight into teaching. Maybe it’s not too late for you to pivot.
@@NeighborhoodBot That's the stupidest saying ever. You must never have gone to college. At universities, mathematics teach math, engineers teach engineering, writers teach literature and philosophy, researchers teach the sciences, doctors teach medicine, etc.
@@youtubename7819 I always have a backup plan. I don't have any student loan debt, otherwise I never would have gone into teaching in the first place. I'm taking multivariable calc this summer to work towards an engineering degree and math minor.
I wish he went over how to do this cognitive reframing for the things that are an objective detriment. I don't understand how you re-write the value of something you have no control over. Like needing a job to survive, needing school to get a job to survive, etc.
Hi, im the Op. First of all HOLY SHIT I GOT A DOCTOR K VIDEO LESS GO. Second of all thank you for the response, it really means a lot to me because i feel like ive been heard. That being said tho i had one question. On one hand this video talks about changing your perspective on things live your life, which is a good argument, but then doctor k proceeds to say that happiness comes from doing what you truly want to rather than what you should. I cant seem to see the relationship between these 2 ideas, it seems contradictory. One focuses on changing your internal state, while the other focuses on changing the life around you based on your authentic internal state... I just want this clarified. Thank you.
When you are truly your authentic self, you will find that your brilliance resonates outwards and changes the state around you. Being someone who is happy from within will make you someone who through consistent slight changes over time, is able to create that environment that brings happiness to them anywhere. Does that kinda help?
For the last two days, I've been out in the woods and put bread in my hand and had birds in the forest coming to eat out of my hand and it's that mini moment of joy that makes life better. You have to find the little things that spark some joy and gratitude...big time...every day just remind yourself of what you have and the present.
This. Exactly this. I would have thought that today was absolute shite if not for a few small moments that I enjoyed deeply and thoroughly: I went for a walk (used Pokémon Go as an excuse/goal) and almost every second spend outside was a second enjoying the fresh and cooler air, the misty sky and all the little things that come with autumn. I felt truly alive and incredibly happy. Even though I did "nothing". I just went for a walk... but it has made my day 🤗 Same as a small phone call with a cousin this evening; I was feeling like shit and as though life wasn't worth living (going through a fair bit & relationship just ended, so I'm a bit more miserable than usual😅) ... but one small phone call later and I feel like I'm not alone, like there is plenty for me to live for. It's the little things - connecting to yourself and spending time with people you love and who love you back. I hope you are doing well 💚
yea, survival used to be everything that is in your mind. Growing up I have never even consider the posibility of not being able to eat tomorrow, all of my worry is always about some distant future like Highschool, College or Job and I was like 12 smh
I don't know about that.. surviving is becoming more difficult again. Just look at the massive increase in homelessness. Things are becoming worse again
@@haydenlee8332I’ve thought about that too. It’s not that surviving is that easy. We still have to work, plenty pay check to pay check. Still have to eat. Still have to take care of your mental/physical health. You have to survive no matter what. Is it less likely you’ll get mauled by a lion? Yes. Is it easier? Less intense sure, but who says this is easy?
Omgs... This is the dark souls mentality hahahah. It's not meaningful because bosses are too easy. But when a boss is hard. Dang does it feel good to take it down!
" subsistence farmer on a small plot of land." You say this as if large sections of the year aren't just spent waiting for things to happen. Self sustaining on a farm does in fact have a ton of time where you don't really have any work to do, not the mandatory kind. It doesn't get more pathetic than trying to shame a person for having negative feelings, and doing that exact crappy thing society does, forcing you into a linear progression that's somehow supposed to be for everyone and punish you for wanting to do something else. In the end life is just a different kind of hard as society progresses. Some things are absolutely easier, like getting treatment and diagnosis for mental issues or just overall health issues. Meanwhile other things like finding a comfortable place to live that won't cost most of the monthly pay check to pay off, leaving scraps for food and such, is becoming damn near impossible in many countries. @@canis_lupus_canus
I think one of the best things I ever did in life was started extra curricular activities in high school. I wish I had been involved in stuff earlier, but a lot of my current work ethic comes from my coaches instilling good work ethic and reasons why I should put myself through hardships. I’m not sure why teachers weren’t able to do this, and my parents really only taught me self care and moral lessons, but were never successful at teaching me to want to do difficult things, I always felt forced to do chores, no desire to actually do them for myself.
Same here. My patents ent me to a private school and i always had the suspicion that they didnt know what to teach me. In my 20s i realized that i had to learn how to live. Its a grueling process and counter intuitive. I find that the adults in my life could only offer basic advice.
I'm so enthralled by this I'm nearly speechless. Just wow. 🙌 I was just talking to a friend of mine about something like this. And how so much of the drama that I'm experiencing is because I've been living a reactionary life. Whenever someone needs something I'm there. Well, this year I'm broken, literally (physically) and figuratively (mentally). I was forced to push others and extraneous things aside because *I* needed to find a way to handle the suffering I was experiencing. Re-framing my mind definitely came into my mind at my lowest moment. Now when the negative continues to come at me (because I'm not done yet, no "happy ending" any time soon) I just choose to look at it differently. And in doing so I've been rediscovering myself and the things I want out of life. Doing this makes the harder tasks and choices worth the effort. The timing, the way it all comes together and how it makes perfect sense in this video just set my heart on fire. 💪❤️🔥 Brilliant, Dr. K. Just brilliant. ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
Tbh i personnally just noticed the way of life in society is a lot harder to achieve than what i was told. Once i realized that, i just started to ask around how people are close to acheving that way of life, and from what ive gathered, everybody i asked werent even close to reaching it and i actually realised my situation was better than what similar people are living through. So i learn to just tempered down my expectation and to find happyness in the smoller thing i experience everyday, like a meal with my family or just achieving something in a game or in life. I just made my expectation and goal smoller cause i realised everybody else around also had as much if not more trouble reaching their goal
For exemple instead of wanting to help groups of people i reduced it to doing smaller and kind gesture to people in need, individually i mean. I can tell yall im prouder for realising my achievement at work and in others area of my life than before, cause i had a bad framing of how easy it was to achieve. Once i realised that i found out i wasnt doing so bad given my situation compared to other people in the same situation as me and i began to be happy with my current situation and wanting to improve it even further.
Yeah, me too. Only part of it is a mental/spiritual problem. The other part is a problem with inflation, wages not rising with productivity, cost of college/housing/groceries/gas/etc, and generally not being able to have the same opportunity that boomers did when they were our age. Heard a joke recently boomers are the first generation who's goal was to have a better life than thier kids. Lol.
@mattbaron14 true, i just try to be better than yesterday, tho that only works if the environment permit it. Im lucky enough to be in such an environment even at 30 year old, not everybody has that chance tho. Its why im trying to not just be better myself everyday, to be bring a bit of happyness to people around me everyday as i know i may not always be as fortunate to live in such an environment as now.
@@mattbaron14 the cause of inflation is corruption/financialization, the military industrial complex/special interest groups are finding clever ways of moving wealth from the working class to the owning class
I'm going though this exact struggle right now. Like, it just feels life is constantly hard and just get increasingly harder. There are so much things we have to handle. We have to keep ourselves physically fit, mentally well, then be financially stable. But to do that you need to build skills and knowledge to get a job that you want. And even all that you may want to pursue your own interests and hobbies. And this is just personal growth. If you want to have a partner and form a family you have to deal with that, not to mention dealing with your own family and the inlaws. How about friends and coworkers then. All these while trying to avoid pitfalls like addiction, procrastination, toxic relationships, etc. and time is short. And as Dr K mentioned we weren't taught how to handle all of these in school. We were just expected to develop these life skills as they pile on schoolwork, projects and exams. With the idea that if you can handle these, you should have the critical thinking to handle whatever life throws at you. Life is not that simple anymore.
I think this could be phrased more compassionately as ... think of it like levels in video games: there are high level areas, there are low level areas in the world map. Our starting gear and XP multiplier is beyond our control. Sometimes people get thrown in an unexpectedly high level area and they start losing a lot, and the unexpected transition is also something outside our control. From someone who's made it, it's easy to look at it as sucking but from their perspective, they just met a ridiculous difficulty spike that they never expected, nor know how to cope with. And let's be real: while most of the time the situations are average level, sometimes, some situations are straight up high level even by the standards of all of humanity. Like being an American low income bracket family that has a traffic accident that insurance doesn't cover. Or being stuck in a deadlock of problems caused by an inescapable abusive household that makes sure that we don't learn lifeskills. But for many of us, I have the feeling it's probably very much like my situation, being raised as a Mommy's Girl/Boy and thinking it's fine to leave everything to mommy and then suddenly realizing that we're 24, we haven't learnt shit about lifeskills because of a helicopter mom that'd actively kneecap our efforts to learn, and then realize we don't know how to cope with life. That's how it happens a lot of the time. Thank you for the video!
I've been searching for a video like this for almost a decade, one that perfectly encapsulates what I am feeling and want to happen in my life. Thank you so much, Dr. K, you just indirectly saved a life.
In Germany we actually have a class in school called "values and norms", which you can take instead of religious classes. It's for learning about teachings from all religions and spiritual and philosophical schools of thought and how those teachings manifest in different societies, but also about how different schools of thought try to find meaning in life.
14:48 This part and the patient example hit really hard. Even just today, I talked with my partner about how I have this voice within me that does nothing but cast doubt and that’s always its justification - “Because.” I swear, Dr. K…. Sometimes, it’s like you just know what it is I need to hear. Thank you for everything you do. I’ve been an avid YT user for over a decade and this may be the most valuable channel I’ve ever found. ❤
This really isn't my problem and I feel completely dead inside. I've never been told to follow any path. No one expects anything of me really. I have parents who would support virtually any path I choose. I've never been more unhappy than I am now. I am just numb. Almost entirely anhedonic with no vision of my future and with no idea what to do.
I'm in a similar boat. Examine your life: What are some things you have enjoyed before? Things you have enjoyed throughout your life? That may help give you some direction and an idea of who you are, even if you can't bring yourself to enjoy those things at the present. Second, seriously consider seeking treatment for depression if things are as bad as you say. Third, the answer for people like us may simply be that we require a drastic life/lifestyle change (like really everything needs to change, not just 1 or 2 things in our life); I know this is incredibly hard to do if not impossible without being literally forced to via external factors, but this may be the key. Lastly, it sounds like you are way too worried about your future, so maybe you should stop thinking about it and just let it go. Many people who are objectively successful have boring, uninteresting, and stale lives. You don't want to be like them; create your own path.
One of the most helpful videos I’ve found on this channel is you have no idea who you are. It will won’t solve all of your problems just by watching but it will give you a way out. Seriously helped me so much and changed my life.
Two pieces of advice I give to people who hate their job is, write a CV and take whatever training you need to get a job you'd prefer, and while you're in the job that sucks, make a plan forward and save up what you can, so you can fund the life you prefer. That way, you're working for yourself, your goals, not just for the sake of someone else and paying rent stuck in a loop. Plan your way out of the loop and make your moves with patience. And the rest is yes, reconnect with your inner child, apply creativity to make boring things fun. Learn to enjoy the silence, be grateful for the little you have, and make moves forward. And never say "I can't", say "I've not yet learned to", then learn to. And maybe brighten some people's day on the way.
Doesn't apply to me as I am very content with where I am. But I think that is very solid and practical advice for people suffering in a job or situation that can't be changed on a whim. Sooo...just wanted to let you know that your comment is appreciated I guess. :D Have a nice week!
That is very generic advice and and won't work for most people, if you want to make it in a saturated high competitive market like music or filmmaking for example even if you work extremely hard a big percentage is down to dumb luck, I have seen extremely hard core working actors who are much better than most famous actors but never got a lucky break for example.
@@silotx this advice is for people not already doing this, its basically the only advice so its really good advice. It might not work 100% of the time but it WILL make you happier, give your life more of a purpose and theres litterally nothing else you can do.
-Enjoyment comes from within -Decide what to do with your life yourself. Do what you like -What is the source of your sadness n why -Your reactions to thing is the building blocks
Tips from a bourgeois dude propped up by his bourgeois parents with little to no understanding of what the life of the average person actually consists of.
Needed this rn, I used to actually live and go out skating and enjoyed going out at night not having a particular goal. Life doesn't have to be complicated it never used to be for me, the best times in my life is when it was simple. We see life like we have to work and save money but that's never been what I care about.
The best way to live life is to do what you want. Now we have the internet and seeing everyone happy with friends which then makes others depressed. It's why I've deleted Instagram and Twitter because its just shoved in my face. Reconnecting with yourself means leaving that all behind and getting back into my hobbies that I love. I've been putting off being happy until i find a group of friends but because of that I'm not learning the social skills needed.
This video helped me out a lot today. Completely changed my mood at work. Hopefully it continues to have the same impact. I will definitely be sharing this video and watch it a few more times.
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
One of the best videos i've seen from you imo Dr.k :D Learned so much and got so much clarity on what i'm personally struggling with and have been for some time now! Thank you
I wouldn't want to re-experience all the worst moments of my life again but I also wouldn't want to undo them because they made me who I am today. In hindsight, I am really proud of how I overcame all the suffering I went through and it makes waking up to a cup of coffee that much more satisfying.
I used to think that, if I could, I wanted to go back and make different decisions in my life. But without those decisions, I don’t have the life I live now. And even when I’m depressed and deep in the grey apathy, I have things and people in my life that I love and want to keep near me.
That last point really, really resonated with me. I'm a buddhist, and I'm also a very busy college student. Like I did everything else, I tried to routinely practice meditation every day, about 30 minutes, but I had no spirit behind it. It had become like homework. Eventually, though, I started reading a Tich Nhat Hahn book. The first line read "Life is filled with suffering, but it is also filled with many wonders, such as the blue sky, the sunshine, and the eyes of a baby. To suffer is not enough. We must also be in touch with the wonders of life." Reading it felt like putting on a pair of glasses I had lost months ago, and I've been considerably happier ever since. It doesn't matter what you practice, be it buddhism or another tradition or your own thing entirely. It matters how. You have to be in touch with yourself and the world around you (really, the same thing).
Key points: Life sucks if you just do what you're told or expected to, because kinda teachs you to ignore what you feel or want. You should do things that you want*, or do it for something that you really want. Try to think a way in which it could work out**, or else it will always be a non stoping "do x, THEN you will be happy". Improving at something also feels good. Best coping skill: cognitive reframing (change your point of view; your emotional reaction to something; its emotional meaning)>>numb youself playing videogames. Spirituality is the field of being happy. Differs from understanding our behavior or our biology. Tool: look within yourself*** ----- Personal opinion: *Maybe a hobby could work? **Don't go blindly... ***It relates to other videos about shutting down social media (designed to toxically capture your attention and numb you, literally, even benefits of making you lose track of time) and be by yourself so you reflect and become senstitive to your emotions and inner drives that modern life has numbed.
As an atheist, I like to think of things like souls and spirits as a metaphor for human well being and self-perception. Not something that has an actual supernatural existence, but something that greatly influences our state of mind. The usage of the word "spirituality" to refer to practicing self-care and stuff like that perfectly fits this metaphor.
I’m really feeling this today. I work my butt off to get into better positions.. then inflation rises screws me over again. I feel exhausted constantly.
As always, thank you for you wisdom Dr. K. I seek your advice when I'm losing track of why I'm fighting to live in this world, and when I understand what you're saying, it all becomes clear if that makes sense. What I'm trying to say is that you make me reflect and you teach important lessons and knowledge. I'm forever grateful ❤
I really resonated with this. Everyday just tends to suck for me with absolutely no reason and I keep blaming (outright despise) myself for it, knowing I'm the problem.
Tbh though, lot of factors aren't actually our fault, like the economy or covid, or the fact other people are so closed off that even if we try to socialize and get out there so few want to reciprocate
You're a fish measuring yourself on your ability to ride a bike (metaphorically speaking). It's not easy, but you need to carve out a life for yourself that fits you better. Studying mental health and psychology in a more formal way is the best start I can offer, because it will help you understand not only why you are you, but also why others are the way they are. Additionally, if you haven't yet, ssris tend to be great for most people experiencing negative thoughts in the short term. The current hypothesis is the boost in serotonin triggers more brain pathway development which helps people learn to manage their situation better. A lot of people don't even need to take it for very long, and taking it for too long can cause depression if you're just going through a depressive episode. But those with long term conditions respond well to it long term. So, consider talking to your primary care physician about SSRIs simply because it might help you get another perspective and might help you craft a life that has meaning even in the middle of all of this.
“Why are we still here? Just to suffer?” or “Why are we still here just to suffer?” Some people say pain is inevitable but suffering is optional… Maybe the purpose of life is to find something so meaningful that makes all the suffering worth it ? Can that be anything? Probably a combination of growth and contribution? The secret to living is giving and growth/progress = happiness But I like to believe we’re all here on borrowed time and I’m not entirely sure how to make the most of this time that we’ve been given? Ah idk tbh, I don’t have all the answers, I’m still trying to ask the right questions… but either way, thanks for reading and Wish you all the best!
Big fan of this. I'm a Christian and I think what you're saying is congruent with what I've been taught and what I believe. People go off the rails when they treat Christianity like a set of rules, when the truth is God is desperately wants you to know you are forgiven and can accept mercy. It's not a draconian set of strictures that condem you if you step outside of them. You can be sufficient in God, not the things of this world, yet we can live in this world and enjoy the things God has placed before us with freedom, not a sense of *should*. Sometimes those things are hard, like studying for a test, but freedom in God means you don't have to put your worth in the outcome of a test, and thus you can approach it with less fear and anxiety. You can choose the challenges you wish to take on or not. You can sit around and do nothing, and you will still be loved by God!
Thank you so much for this video! I was reading the title and smiled a bit thinking "life sucks because skill issue" [the devs who balanced this patch also broke so much shit that it's a wonder that folks are still alive 😭]. People who live life on impossible tier raid battle difficulty yet somehow beat its absurd mechanics are amazing and those that help out along the way are my favorite homies on this huge server of life and make me wanna keep learning as I play along 🤣 The way you talk about all this reminds me so much of the best qualities I've appreciated in the people who have helped me grow and recover from particularly difficult points in my life. I hope I can likewise do better through my own experiences of the many aspects of life in honor of all these things that have helped keep my houseboat from sinking with whatever present moment I got. You have no idea how many little things left behind from all sorts of people who have lived have helped those who come after and I sincerely hope that Dr. K's ways of reaching out to help others can likewise do the same for someone else who needs this moment the most, now and in someone else's future past this point. Good luck everyone, you got this 🦀
Thank you HealthyGamer, I've watched and discovered plenty of health professionals here on UA-cam with the personal development theme, but sir, you have become my favourite in the past few days by far. Thank you so much!
i ain't a religious person, i dont disbelieve in a higher power, i just cant prove it, dr. k you present the strongest argument for religion ive ever seen.
Aaaand as with most things in life, the answer is: because you're poor. If you had lots of money, AND ACTUALLY STOPPED DOING WORK, you'd be set. No stress. No problem that is unsolvable. Want to go for a skiing trip to Austria? Can go in the same day. A loved one falls ill? Get the best medical help available, without bankrupting your entire family line. Some therapist once said: "psychology is great, but i came to realise that most of my clients problems are stemming from the lack of money" So the goal is to basically get a lot of money and have kids who will live carefree lives. The life that you weren't able to live.
@@suzanneemerson2625 said a person from the comfort of their suburban house in the richest country on the planet. Yeah. Right As a person from the 3rd world, who does better than 90% of my countrymen, and still orders of magnitude is worse off financially, than, like 80% the average Americans. This makes me laugh out loud. If I was in America, I'd already be a millionaire. And I'm only 26. If you live in the States and still are poor, that just means natural selection tbh. Earning money in the US is like on super-easy mode, because of how huge your economy is, and how much disposable income your population has. Something I look at what businesses took off in the USA and think to myself: "This crap worked? Here, nobody would buy this." - and i have this thought more times than i care to count.
@@suzanneemerson2625 OP's argument was bad, but you managed to bring up an even worse counterargument. As for OP's point: No, poverty is not a choice, but happiness is. There are stories of people being happy even in absolute misery. There are stories of Jewish prisoners in 1930s and 1940s Germany being happy. There are many rich people who are absolutely miserable, and only pretend to be happy because then can afford to. Money does make life easier, but it doesn't make it better, at least not by itself.
guess it kinda does. if i had money i wouldn't have to study for college and i'd be instead able to go to all those adventurous trips that i want to, make friends & create a social life & also be able to afford therapy
Perspective. You choose how to view your life. Choose a way to think, we sure as hell can’t choose the way we feel. I like stoicism Amor fati, live life knowing it will end. Embrace the highs and lows, it’s all temporary. Thoughts and feelings come and go.
Important stuff here. I havent worked full time for two decades now, because I enjoy living much more then working. I now work around 5 hours a day. For every annual raise, I get at work, I work a little less time, staying at the same income but working less. The first years I didnt notice much of a difference, but now I fully enjoy my life and feel very content...the first steps are the most important. For this to work, I had to study first, so I could get a job where this way of life is possible, so in a way studying was my first steps. Also, living in Europe where you have those basic workers right and healthcare the poor fellas in the US lacks made my way of life possible in the first place...So for some people, the first steps might have to be to relocate.
I’ve been focusing on making life worth living by intentionally doing things that bring me joy. I suffer greatly from chronic illness and mental health and learning disability. I’m honestly only here because I have to be. But if I’m going to be here, I’m going to make parts of it joyful enough to be worth it.
I didn't think I'd ever be convinced spirituality or anything religions related could be anything close to something I'd respect or value. And yet every time I watch Dr. K speak it all starts to make sense. There's something in there, which even makes sense thinking of science we know. That's very interesting.
15:55 Funda of where the experience of pleasure comes from 17:48 coping mechanisms vs cognitive rephraming 19:15 what causes suffering; pay attention to your reactions 20:52 Discovery of "god"
Dr. K made me realize there is a very nuanced duality in our psychology for both good and evil. All evil that exists within our world has it's origin in the human mind. We cannot trust our thoughts without examination. A derailed, unchecked thinking is the most dangerous thing our minds are able to produce. All it takes is one bad thought to wreck one's life. Dr. K is doing god's work here. Thank you.
I wouldn’t even believe that I could be 18 because I didn’t feel like I wanted to face this moment in my life. But here I am and I’m still struggling with social anxiety which makes my life so hard to live.
was in your position two years ago, & my 20th birthday is in a few short weeks 🥰 life can get a lot better really fast. your relationship with yourself matters above all ❤️
I honestly can't remember being stressed in school even once in my life. I'm curious, what are you constantly stressed about? You just have to go there, write some tests and go back home and play video games or watch yt/netflix
Hi @Altheamaeve, what part of school is stressing you out the *MOST*? Is it socializing? Tests? homework? There are ways to work through each of these things, finding what stresses you the most can help you target the stressor and make it better
the very wiring that helped us survive is holding us back big time. the answer to learning how to live lies in spirituality ( = personal psychology)( = study of self) suffering comes from how you react to everything you're suffering because you're not living the way you want, you're not working towards what you want to. more importantly, you're disconnected from yourself. got to learn how to live today. you cannot experience feelings outside yourself cognitive reframing: changing the way you think. look within yourself. find why you're suffering. realize your thoughts and attachments connected to it. pay attention to your reactions
From my personal experience trauma I used to be good at life until that hit it’s like it damaged my brain and changed my body chemistry now I have no energy, brain fog, and fibromyalgia etc. I can’t just “get over it” it’s changed my entire DNA
I got you, but I try to remember that even if trauma wires the brain, healing changes the brain too. Your brain is just gonna evolve your whole life and you can choose what to feed it with
But say, if you have emotional numbness and you cant feel joy nore sadness, how can you even think about feeling something good within yourself when everything is flat ?
Not gaslighting. The majority of us spend the majority of our time (40+ hours plus basic life maintenance) doing shit we'd rather not do and the rest of that time doing nothing in particular. When this is pointed out to people the response is just "yeah, that's being an adult". Don't pretend like it isn't a shitty deal.
This video really helped me I've been down in a slump for a few months now just sad and shitty a lot and this video made me realise it's because im not doing the things my mind wants me to do all day i think of doing things i want to do but i never do them coz im afriad of taking the first step
Misery = doing what others/society say you "should" do is top notch advice. I've had ADHD and several chronic illnesses all my life, but only recently (mid 30s) have I determined to stop uselessly and desperately working 'against' those things and lay out a course in life that makes me happy, to hell with what I "should" be doing. Even if I'm just starting that journey, I already feel a massive weight lifted. 10/10 would recommend, even if it's not easy or everything yoi hope it will be.
This came on my page at the perfect time. I’m studying for later, saving for our future house, I’ll have more freedom once the kids are older. Later later later. I keep missing the “now” things. I didn’t know my friend would be moving away, I didn’t know those were the “good times.” I don’t even remember my last “normal” holiday, now most of my extended family moved away or has died, I would have enjoyed it more if I knew it would be the last one. I’m a nervous wreck waiting for my next loss that I’m taking for granted now. The days are long but the years are short, as they say, but I’m just so impatient for the next thing. The me who lived on camping furniture would be so mad at current me who is fairly comfortable all things considered. But I’m just so sad. Equal parts exhausted and bored.
Sadly most of these suggestions don't pay the bills or make debt go away. There really only seems to be one way out for some when they suck at life to the point where there's no hope.
Hope is a double-edged sword in this sense. You need it to keep going on the promise of something better which could materialise, but equally, it leads you to continue along through the worst situations and there is no guarantee that things will improve, and sometimes they don't. I don't see a set answer to this, but for myself, I keep persisting and I've found routes that have led me to a more contented and fulfilled life. I enjoy painting, I doubt I'll ever be a great artist but I don't really care, I enjoy the process, I enjoy the feeling of disappearing into the activity and getting beyond myself (in terms of problems and concerns) for a short period. To paraphrase how Tolkien put it, this is not escape as in delusion but escape as in the prisoner being freed from the cell; a cell I created for myself. It's not perfection, but I think that's unattainable. Instead, I'm trying to integrate my issues and weaknesses and understand them, to stop the worst behaviours they can produce in me. It's a neverending struggle, but it's a struggle I find to be worthwhile.
there's always hope, do something you've never done thus far like praying or meditation. The key is to turn your struggles into a challenge you seek to overcome
Alok, I recently discovered this channel and started listening to your videos one after the other. They are awesome but this one, this one is pure gold! Thank you for making these!!! They're a great source of guidance for me.
I had a weird experience meditating and suppressed it because it was traumatic. It caused me panic attacks for a few months despite me not even knowing what a panic attack was at the time. I started thinking about it a couple years ago and meditating again after 4 years of avoiding it. The way I think started to profoundly change. I realized I was experiencing emotions(and literally everything) as their words and how they were taught and not what they actually felt like to me in myself. I had suppressed anger completely. I eventually found anger to be the emotion but also the feeling of anger exists as this feeling of power as well. In suppressing the feeling of anger, because I was taught the emotion was bad, I also blocked off the positive power of that feeling. I noticed if I felt anger(the feeling of what anger feels like to me, not the emotion of anger) I could feel happiness at the same time. Creating motivation or pride. I could feel fear as courage(Feeling fear and happiness at the same time creates a feeling of excitement, adding positive anger creates courage) and just many many different ways of feeling I had no awareness of or no way to access. For so many years I was like a cook in a cooking challenge with limited ingredients. Now I'm finally back home where I have all the ingredients and can cook whatever I want. It also showed me I was actually feeling a lot of a different kind of anger, despite suppressing what I had thought anger to be. I was feeling anger and fear as hate and when I would feel motivation I would actually feel spite instead because I was unaware of the hate I was feeling. So it would be a fleeting motivation due to spite's external nature. This is very hard to explain because with the way I now understand emotions they begin and end in weird places and morph together and when trying to explain it with the language I have the structure begins to fall apart. The words do not fit the feelings and how the feelings move. Through this I've found an incredible childlike curiosity to what everything around me is, as if I haven't learned anything at all. In turn this has led to an intense sense of purpose and desire to experience, discover, create, destroy, reform that goes far beyond just feeling happy. I now have a voice of self assurance that puts my well being first and doesn't care if I look foolish. I always worried about being an asshole or looking silly or being a narcissist that I inevitably just became all of those things through insecurity. In many ways I'm a worse person now, on paper. Yet in practice I am way better for both my self and others. I smile at everyone for literally no reason, i dont care if I look creepy, or what kind of impression I make. I have become an absolute fucking weirdo and I love every moment of it. Also I work a 12 hour shift in a factory, I live in a lovely house you could call shitty, I have an 09 nissan versa that's dying. Ive had relationships come and go, and this feeling has remained. Probably not your ideal life, but it is mine. Allowing it to be ideal to me at any moment in circumstance has allowed the circumstance to begin to change, and given me hope even if or when the circumstance changes for what would appear to be worse. I also used to be an atheist and insanely skeptical. I'm completely sober and have been basically my entire life, people seem to always think I do a lot of psychedelics or something. This is all c02 baby. You can't truly be good at living until you've felt what it feels like to suck at living. How can you stop sucking an ass you've never sucked. Sorry, just throwing out some giggles for those of you that made it this far. Anyway, thanks for reading, love you.
Whenever I hear the word "cope", I'm remembering one of my favorite songs from Arrested Development called Fishin' 4 religion: "She's asking the Lord to let her cope So one day she can see the golden ropes What you pray for God will give To be able to cope in this world we live The word "cope" and the word "change" Is directly opposite, not the same She should have been praying to change her woes But pastor said "Pray to cope with those" The government is happy with most baptist churches Coz they don't do a damn thing to try to nurture Brothers and sisters on a revolution Baptist teaches dying is the only solution Passiveness causes others to pass us by I throw my line till I've made my decision Until then, I'm still fishin' 4 religion"
I am crying right now. Really crying. I've been asking the very same question, almost verbatim, for all my adult life (20+ years). This has been so emotional for me, I have had to take breaks watching the episode just to watch it all. I've been at the edge of my sanity all these years, living in auto. I have much to consider now.
Respectfully, this is one of the best videos I've seen on this topic. I think your point on spirituality was really spot-on. Self-understanding and self-connection/realization is so important if we are to navigate life well - because life is turbulent at times, hence we need something to keep ourselves grounded. Science and religion/social relations can give you a lot, but they cannot give you that.
Life doesn't suck because we suck at living. Life would be perfectly fine if we didn't make it miserable for each other. Let me give you an example: Imagine you get thrown in a pool where you have a perfectly fine time swimming around, until someone comes around starts dragging you under for their own fun. I believe you'd develop an aversion towards pools, not because of the water but because at any given moment someone could pull your leg and almost drown you for a joke bro. Now I'm listening to people telling me the water isn't that bad. The source of misery in my life is exclusively people. No cat, no dog, no tree, no car, no failed project, only people. And as far as i remember it's been exclusively ego things, where someone kicks over your house of cards because it happens to be two stories higher or because the cards you use happen to be pink, not because you did anything wrong. I mean i get it, if everyone is fighting you have to learn how to fight. Question still stands, what's the point?
The way I see it is everyone, to a degree, is a victim of their own circumstances, and the greater society that breeds these people is what needs to change. That person who drags you under the pool is awful, but what made them like this? Maybe someone dragged them under a pool as a child, and this is the way they've learned to be powerful. Because at the end of the day, our current society values power and control and ownership over all else. Have a higher job title than your peers. Own more stuff than your friends. Make so much money that you can sit upon your own throne in a nice big mansion all to yourself. It's always a game of climbing over someone else to get the tastier fruit. But no one ever asks what the cost is, or why we are driven to do this in an era where technology and resources are so abundant that we shouldn't feel a sense of scarcity. So all that person in the pool knows is to climb. Because it's probably all their parents knew, and their friends and everyone around them. So rather than running from pools for the rest of our lives, the scary and difficult thing to be done is trying to find common ground with the pool person. They don't deserve your sympathy, because all they did was attack you. But if you can reason with them to stop grabbing people in the pool and show them that you can both have fun swimming together, maybe they can do that for the person who grabbed them too. And then all three of you can begin asking the rest of the world why we feel the need to climb. I was actually just talking about this idea with my parents so I have a lot of thoughts lol
But it is still the fault of the individual for making his own life miserable. When someone else does something to us and we get hurt by it, we only feel this way because our false opinions have led us to believe we have been hurt, not because we have actually been hurt. The Stoics have it right when they say happiness is not found in externals. They are correct not only because externals cannot bring us happiness, but also because externals cannot take away our happiness (unless we allow them to). The pool metaphor is a bit misleading in that it suggests that another person can drag you under if they want to, but in real life, this can't be the case. Someone who wants to drag another under for fun is surely someone who has not learned to swim in the first place, so they would not be able to pull you under to begin with.
@@aaronleatherman883thank you for bringing up this astute observation. I have been wondering about this myself... Maybe the beat thing for the egoistic is to trip them up and deflate their balloon. Nobody has the right to tear someone's creation apart, but they will try to do it anyway.
The purpose in life is to find purpose. Introspectively think what gifts/talents you have and how you can use it. Or discover what it is you like and fight for it.
this comment resonates with me a lot. even when you’re just minding your own business trying to enjoy the few truly good things in life, sometimes there are just people who want to take it away from you. i frequently go on long outdoor walks and there’s been a few times where people in cars or younger people biking passed me feel the need to shout something at me. just for walking. on a paved path. another example being i saw a video of some guy (beautifully) playing piano. every single comment was making fun of his appearance. just little things like these make me sad, man. why can’t we just let eachother live. life is hard enough.
I think a large part of the situation is that over the course of the past several decades the inherent inequitable nature of society has not only grown, but become more obvious and undeniable. To use your swimming analogy. If you get thrown into a pool without knowing how to swim, you'll likely drown. So you decide to practice. Then you realize, you'll never be as good as you could be with an instructor. So you decide to find an instructor. This is the first point where inequality arises. You ask around and find that there are three options. The first is too expensive because the instructor with the most knowledge is sought after by the majority of people, and to learn from this person means getting lucky to gain a spot in his class, and going into debt because of how in-demand this person is. The second option is to learn from someone who isn't a good teacher, which means you will learn more and faster than on your own, but you may gain a flawed understanding with missing important details, and the instructor may turn you off to the entire subject because of how bad the teaching is. The third option is to find self-study material. You may be dedicated enough and lucky enough to translate written words into physical experience but you may also drown in the process. So you pick one, whichever one and remarkably become a decent swimmer. Not the best, not the worst. At some point you realize that even though everyone is pushed into the pool, some people end up on a yacht, some people end up in the shallow end, but most people, the overwhelming majority of people, are in the deep end. So the inequality rears its head again. But never mind, you say to yourself, this is just a part of life and you should focus on your swimming. Over time you realize there are a lot more people being pushed into the pool than there were in the beginning - it's starting to feel crowded. You also realize that as some point the people on the yacht realized that the harder you swim, the more electricity and entertainment they receive. So they, the people in boats - some of whom lucked into them, some of whom inherited them, some of whom worked hard for them at a time when boats were available - decide that they are going to start placing weights on some of the people. This increases their return but makes your swimming much harder. You were never the greatest, you learned how to keep your head above water but now it's almost impossible - the people on the boats seem to be having a great time though and encourage you to keep at it. More people are jumping into the pool now and it makes it even harder to stay afloat. At some point you realize you'll never have your own boat and that the people already in boats are just adding more weight while congratulating themselves on making the water not freezing anymore. They say you should be thankful for how comfortable you are now compared to when the water was cold, even if you'll never have a boat and will need to keep swimming your whole life - they even throw you some pool toys and start playing music for the enjoyment of everyone else swimming. At some point you wonder, why am I even in the pool? Did I choose to be in the pool? No, you were thrown into the pool. Ok, so you were thrown into a pool without consent, a pool that is inequitable and whose privileged members add weight to your feet for their betterment, and they even started throwing their trash into the pool. So now you try to get out, but every time you do someone says "If you keep swimming youll get your boat some day". But as years go by, and you start to see younger people being given boats they never earned while you're still trying to keep your head above water, the urge to either get out of the pool or let yourself be carried under by the weights grows. So you decide to get out. Only when you do, you realize there is no "outside the pool" now. What was once an alternative area to being in a pool trying to keep your head above water, has now been reduced to a thin walkway that you can barely stand on. Now you realize that your only option is the pool, and you will never get a boat.
This is basically me, my mind/body is telling me instead of working at Bestbuy I want to go start a commune and live off of the land. The spirit is telling me that’s how I’ll find happiness
10/10, no notes :) Dr K for the win! I work at communing with myself through learning and culture (Music can be a transcendental experience for me, for example)
@@Sealea-nc4znbecause its pointed where it hurts and it makes you really aware by being that you get the attention and it works instead of numbing it and just in a state of auto pilot
I'm pretty sure source of my suffering is capitalism/worrying if I'll end up homeless and or jobless, month after month, and not something lacking within myself/not doing what I want (I just want to have roof over my head man).
I choose to live because I have friends that depend on me. Life is hard for everyone and ending mine would make it even harder for them. I'm here to have a good time. I don't value my life that much and am not afraid of death, but in that I had found power. If nothing matters, if it is all a struggle regardless, why not attempt to make it the best? It really helps remove fear and anxiety for me and makes me do things which validate my existence.
@@ElectricBoogaloo69that’s a pretty lame reason, buddy. Nobody has ever once consented to being born, doesn’t make it a crime or something that hurt you.
No one asks to be here, but yet here we are… Truthfully without trying to patronize, I like to believe things can improve if we work to improve it but also things can get Way worse if we let it !
Well, imagine life on the Savana 100's of thousands of years ago... you spent all day avoiding getting eaten by wild predators, and then try to find enough food to keep yourself alive. The point of evolution ( and life) is.... eat, reproduce, & die. That's it. The sun feeds the plants, animals eat the plants, predators eat the plant eaters. Life is what YOU make it out to be. Yes, you need a LOT of luck for that to happen. Born in the right place with the right opportunities. Life in 2023 is better & worse at the same time and not evenly across the globe. Find a way to survive, no matter what you do. Excellent video....learn how to live. I'm an atheist, previously decades long Christian. Your mind creates the reality you live in. If it takes religion to give you meaning in life, so be it. I believe in the power of MY mind to create a reality I can live with. So far....still here @ 69.
I thing would have love to hear about is his response to how people who live in slavery, war, extreme poverty, still find the way to keep going and not die. Sometimes I imagine myself being in those circumstances, and I'm like: Why would I continue living like this? I don't know if its a cognitive bias I have, but I don't think that being spiritual and looking at yourself and your reactions to things would alleviate the physical suffering and psychological suffering of these situations, no?
He did explain it: when you have to survive, you literally don't have the luxury of wondering why your life is so shit and if it's worth living, because you are needed in the present to fight for survival. It's the piramid of Maslow basically
sometimes i envy people in horrible situations because they don’t have to worry about anything besides making it to the next day. hundreds and thousands of years ago all humans had to worry about was survival. it’s hard for life to feel meaningless when the only thing on your mind is not dying. so i just feel bad about myself for not being able to handle an easy life and i find myself wishing that i had something to make my life harder even though i’d probably just give up and end it instead of rising to the challenge
I suspect given my own experience with unable to afford heating in a frigid area, I'd suspect the answer is "At least I'm still alive". It's bound to get a bit better even if things will always be bad, right?
Many might not know any different and/or it might cross their minds but the primitive drive to survive + hope for a better future is powerful. Plus if you're in these horrific circumstances you might not even have time to sit and ponder.
11:45 really reminds me of a main message of The Alchemist by paulo coelho. finding your Personal Legend and staying true to what You TRULY want, instead of getting lost in the weeds of what would be fine
Dr K is right on this one. I find that that 90% of the values I hold are things that the world has decided for me. I have few values that truly come from myself. I find a good way to pick out these values is to ask myself: is there any doubt, no matter how small, that maybe I do not care about a something I thought I did? That maybe I do not want something that I was previously convinced I wanted? If there is, then what I am doing (at least partly) is probably for someone/something else. It is not something I truly valued, but something that has been polluted (to some extent) by the values of another. The best way I find to start to deal with this is to demote the value/concern to a 'utility'. It is not something I truly care about, but rather, it is something I do which has a function in the world. Once it is a 'utility', you can start to adjust it to maximally represent you. You can start to change it so that you can act in a way that makes you feel happier. Maybe, in the end, you will find that the 'utility' you once had was not a 'utility' at all, but rather a 'burden'.
Me at 17: is it even worth living? What will it take to deprogram myself from the toxic, narcissistic asshole I had to call a father? I don’t even know how to look a woman in the eye from the social anxiety and cringey personality I had. Me at 27: In the fight for finally retaking control over my mind, I felt like a WWII POW after Nazi Germany conquered France and bombed London. Dr. K is like the United States after intercepting Germany’s Telegram to Mexico to retake France. (Sorry, I’m a huge history nerd lol 😂) Never stop doing what you’re doing Dr. K. Literally cannot even hold back the tears as I type this. I literally do feel like I’d been imprisoned for years and have just recently been set free and it coincided with me discovering your channel to help put into words what I truly suffered growing up.
In my life is a lot of suffering thanks to accidents and the inability of the physicians I saw to help me / guide me into fixing my physicial problems which shakle me since i'm 15. Broke, broken, and mentally exhausted. Needing to do it myself means learning all about the body which is extremly difficult especially due to changed bodily structure (through accidents) and such. It's difficult to do stuff without being sure it really helps and won't make the problem worse.
I'd like to know the "normal " percentage of time that other people suffer. For me, it's 50～70%, with a constant humming of psychological pain in the background. 😮😮
I'd say 2-4% for me. Some of it is generational (Gen X got a lot of situational advantages, including good resilience training) Other factors include a great job (pediatric RN) that I NEVER dread going to. Add to the recipe a Buddhist(-ish) cognitive/emotional style, and things are manageable.
For me it used to be at some point 99% and honestly I couldn't handle it anymore. My body started to break down and I was constantly shaking and had a rapid heart beat even asleep. About 5 years later, 2 of them with meditation and therapy and then yoga and a bit of meditation and a lovely boyfriend, I'd say my suffering is about 10%, but it also depends on my cycle because hormones lol. It honestly felt like I'd be stuck forever in that state, I'm thankful it changed.
at my lowest it was 5 out of the 7 days of the week I considered worse than better. about 3 years later I'd say on average about 1 day a week is rough but sometimes it depends on the life situations at hand. in general my best day before is not even close to as good as even a neutral day now so
i think i’m suffering at least 10/14 days. there’s usually only a couple days in a month where i actually feel decent and life is relatively painless but that’s usually because i’m feeling hopeful for no fucking reason and ignoring everything wrong with my life. depends on how i feel when i wake up. i haven’t had a good day in forever though
100%. But it really depends on your understanding of suffering. There is always some discomfort going on as long as you are conscious. The rest is all about the intensity of it and your ability to focus or "look past" its presence. Tinnitus is a good example. It sometimes can't be heard over a conversation you're having with your friends, might as well not be there. But it is. You're just experience a lot if different things at the same time. This buries suffering and lessens its totality in your consciousness. Many people would also say that if you can bear the suffering it is not true suffering. For example an itch may be harder to endure than the pain of a light bruise so the latter may not be considered suffering by people simply because suffering sounds intense and that's a pain you can "leave be" and be fine with little to no strain on your daily activities and mental well being. So a full answer would be I suffer 100% of my conscious time alive, but I also mostly have good days and consider myself happy. It is the difference between a backpack you are carrying because you want to vs a boulder someone chained to your body. Perspective alone can make light work of the same amount of weight to carry (within reason).
Damn.. Dr K nailed it on this one.
I especially agree near the end. I like how you explained the beginnings of religion and how people today are simply regurgitating information rather than living the experience themself. This is very true.
I'm going to combine both of these for a minute.. it's kind of reminding me of Jordan Peterson lecture talking about "saving your father from the depths" regarding religion.
If people are simply repeating standards and ideas from a religion or belief system but nobody is connected in a sense of living that idea or have experienced some kind of enlightenment then we're following a script. In order to properly revive spirituality we must first start within ourselves.
experience hyperinflation in 2 years🤣
he's a banker not a practicing doctor
His coaches have the handle: koi ponzi scheme hg
If Dr K started a religion I might follow him LOL
My professor in psychology who also taught existentialism once mentioned that the world is like a pitch black room and our conscious awareness shines a light on things within that room. What we choose to focus in on is where the light is placed, and it means we can easily miss some aspects of our experience because we are too focused on others.
In a way I can see that people overly focused on work and success (or anything really) don't realize they need to shift their flashlight so they can see there is more to life than just an endless grind. Cancer sort of helped me with that. I still struggle with feeling behind, but I also deeply appreciate the friends who were with me during the recovery process, and I've come to understand that though I may now be in debt because of the treatment, it also is not the end of me. I find myself becoming more aware of the role that adversity and torment can play in making us appreciate aspects of our lives more. I shall endure. In enduring, I shall grow strong.
My heart beats with a happier rhythm after reading your story. Congratulations on your victory, I'll be rooting for you! Many cheers from Serbia♥️
youre strong for enduring your hardships. keep going, i am rooting for you!
Thank you for sharing your story😊
Well said, I wish you a full recovery. As a euroguy I'm assuming you live in the US and it still baffles me that getting chronically sick means you basically live in debt the rest of your life. Hope you manage to grow out of your debt and wish you all the best.
My problem with your professor's analogy is that looking away doesn't make the ugly things disappear. They're still there, looming over your shoulder behind you. Forcing yourself to only face one direction is no different from sticking your head in the sand.
You could argue that you can live life focused on the positive while still acknowledging that the negative side exists. Great. But it's still there. Whether or not you acknowledge it makes no difference.
I think one of the advantages of the hunter gatherer lifestyle is fight/flight resolution. If you are attacked by a lion you run fight or die, either way, it is resolved. In civilized life, an exam or stressful work event can trigger a fight/flight response, but you can't do either and this just repeats ad nauseum.
Idk man I wouldn’t call being brutally bitten and mauled to pieces by a beast a “resolution”. Life really, really sucks but it’s still wayy better than before
@@luenanda4432 life is indeed better, we can have better health care than medieval royalty and all that, but it does not change the fact that we are still wired as hunter gatherers which can have some strange effects on how we experience modern life. Advantage was the wrong word to use.
Life is not better, just safer
@@Cathartesaurea would argue that materially it is better, but spiritually, culturally etc, we are in trouble.
@@terranexile3681 That’s very true man. Modern life kind of went too fast for our brains to handle, and the stress definitely sucks. We’ve got an alarming amount of people suffering from mental illness, and a ton more are in states of hopeless despair. I’d say finding a balance would be a neat idea, personally. Still do our life chores(sucks), but sometimes going out of our way to get out into nature and put ourselves in some sort of risk scenario. Maybe not life-death, but something that challenges us out there to scratch that primal instinct we still and will (maybe) always have.
Holy shit having an intelligent therapist like you must be a blessing
and expensive
UA-cam is expensive for you?
a therapist like him would cost no small amount per session@@handymanreality
The dream
He means literally if he was your clinical therapist @@handymanreality
Dr. K, please do a deep dive on Limerence:
Context: It seems the root of my suffering stems from two things:
1. Wanting something I can't have.
2. Having something I don't want.
The former: I feel limerence toward someone that is essentially a fantasy or lost cause.
My current solution: I cover or blanket this suffering through suffering.
What do I mean: I distract, challenge, or force myself through personal projects, hobbies, or bettering myself through physical or cerebral training/development.
However, my mind, my body, and my heart won't let go.
Freewill: "I can't want to," or I can't force myself to let go.
"Killing" Myself:
- I feel I need to sacrifice a part of what makes me me.
- I reinvented myself in the last five years, but it feels like I haven't changed.
-- I feel like a former shell of myself
-- I look back and see the change
-- When I look where I am, I'm at square one.
Gratitude, distraction, discomfort only go so far.
Yesss please! I had a first and hopefully last experience with this and it lasted almost a year. It was awful!
Interesting
YES!!! I was happy until I experienced limerence at the age of 16 and for the last 12 years life has been somewhere between difficult and absolute hell. This is what destroyed my mental health and fucked up my life.
Just a quick note, limerence is a noun, not a verb. So you don't *do* limerence, you *have* limerence
Wow. Not sure if any of my advice would be useful but I had some thoughts I wanted to share. It sounds like you already realize three things: 1) you need to let go 2) despite *knowing* you need to let go, you can't force your emotions to line up with that knowledge 3) you need to stop using other methods to avoid confronting the truth about #1 and #2.
In a romantic context, I have not gone through the same limerance, but 1, 2, and 3 are all things I've struggled with in my own ways.
I think your hobbies, personal improvement, etc all sound like great activities to be engaging in. The problem is they won't benefit you if your motivation is to run away from your problems. Meditation is useful here, I literally just spend time feeling shitty and being like "ok, I'm gonna sit here and experience this". Not gonna grab a drink, blast lound music, punch something, smoke weed, order domino's, or whatever else I might want to do. Just sit there and feel emotions. Ouch. But it helps.
Free will: I still have the same problem and would appreciate advice from the rest of the internet, I think letting go only happens after you stop wanting to let go. Theory is easier than practice, and I've been able to slowly get more comfortable with myself, which in turn starts to alievate the thing I was suffering from. But it's still true that I cognitively know how to improve my situation but telling myself to "cut it out" doesn't work, and integrating my knowledge into lived experience is a difficult task that I'm not sure I fully understand myself.
"Killing yourself":
You're right, you still haven't adressed the problems you had 5 years ago.
"I feel I need to sacrifice a part of part of what makes me me"
- I'm not sure how to react to that but I feel like I know what you mean
- maybe that means working on self-acceptance and realizing you don't need to "prove" yourself or do anything to be deserving of love. Yes, we should do shit with our lives and be good people, but everyone deserves love just for being alive.
- maybe that also means realizing that "you" are just an aggregate of thoughts, emotions, senses, experiences, etc and that clinging to any identity or self-image too tightly can cause problems. In Buddhism this is the non-self teaching. Historically this came from refuting the Hindu idea of the Atman (soul) being identical to Brahman (ultimate reality). Hinduism (specifically Vedanta) believes in the soul and the "true self", Buddhism not so much. I would consider looking into these teachings and seeing if you resonate with one perspective more than the other.
Also, I think given the proper set and setting, psychedelic experiences can be a useful tool in this process of figuring this shit out and working on the individuation process. It's not for everyone and obviously there are still legal barriers, so I can't recommend it outright, but I think I would be neglecting something if I wrote this comment without mentioning it.
My mom was born overseas and got to America at around 14 years old she graduated high school and then immediately started working and continue to work her ass off everyday until she was 69 years old. She then retired and they moved down to Florida and within a few months she was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor and 10 months later she passed away. This woman never harmed a soul never got even so much as a traffic ticket and worked very very hard her entire life...... for what??!!
Life sometimes seems like a curse
Life is not our friend regardless of who we are and what we have. We are not here to be happy nor to even live well enough to maintain ourselves mentally, physically and emotionally. We are here to suffer immensely to then inevitably die as though we were nothing to begin with. “Life“ is dystopia and so many are blind to it, but I feel more are waking up.
Life has no meaning itself, we are the one who puts any meaning to it.
@@Dee-iy9uq. Ummmm, . . . . . nope.
for you! my friend
maybe that's what makes her able to works so hard for so long. because her purpose for her children. best we can do is being the best for our children as well....
but ahhhh the cycle when will it stop😢
I wish I could talk to Dr. K, I always get something out of every video. I haven't really had any role models in my life but Doc is someone I genuinely look up to.
One day I hope!
100% agree. I would love to discuss the concepts in the video with Dr K as well.
W
You need to either try their coaching, or look into therapy. So many people want to talk to Dr K, but that's not possible.
What would be your #1 question? Perhaps if you post that on Discord, it will result in a video? :)
Not gonna lie, last time I had a slip and my daddy issue was at the doors was towards Long John Silver when I watched Disney's Treasure Planet as teenager. Concept of caring older than me man that understands protags issues and will gladly share wisdom was uncomfortable, I shut it, put harder mental barrier. Doc breached this gate open splintering it to pieces so casually that I didn't even notice for months after that something is different, no pain involved. Referencing last vid - it's soo nice to have such "senior elephant", even if just on screen, not my personal and without a chance to share my thoughts back to him. This will have to suffice.
Goddamn. Out of desperation, I had been googling "how do I live" and whatnot. I have watched many other videos, got the skills for anxiety, depression, adhd, etc. But... aside from the coping and staying afloat, how do I actually live? My heart stopped for a moment when I saw the new upload. I can't thank and recommend your channel enough.
Good luck on your journey man, I believe in you
Same and same 😅
@@sara.e.1111 Good luck buddy, I only wish u the best for life
Hey good luck for ur future, I hope that u r better now :)
life is in Jesus
Really good stuff! My problem is I think I want to be depressed and angry some days. I also struggle with simple things like human interactions, Ill walk the long way to not have to see or interact with another person. My disdain for interacting with other people has made me fall way behind in life. all I want in life is peace and quiet away from people. I love walking deep into the woods where I know no one will find me and just do nothing, stare at a tree, let my mind wander, it's just so wonderful.
Are you me
@@edward658 Maybe, its hard to tell on the internet. All joking aside I'm surprised that I'm not as alone as I first thought in my feelings.
@@YesIHaveManyProblemsThanksnever think you're alone or have it worse. It's not the panacea for not feeling bad but some solace knowing everyone has their own struggles.
I wish I have a forest to do that😢
Well people caused all my trauma, so I'm not a fan. Many are ignorant and in denial of the trauma they've endured and perpetrated.
When I'm alone in the woods I'm safe from people. I'm free from judgement, criticism, and expectations. I'm free to simply exist and be in nature. I'm fully human when alone in nature. It's peaceful.
To the last point: Something that I find really makes this stick is how people using psychadelics often describe it as a really spiritual experience that reframes their outlook on life. Like how someone fresh off LSD will talk to you about the whimsical nature of autumn leaves turning brown and yellow, or how the sound of rain is soothing (rather than the drab grey in grey visual aesthetic of a rainy day). It kinda reminds me of how I used to experience the world as a child - things are generally just way more fun, when you're not (yet) weighed down by the weight of a future that's not set in stone yet.
Have you tried lsd? Because this perfectly describes my experience. It turned me into a kid. I was endlessly curious about the most trivial details. Possibilities were suddly endless. I was goofy and full of joy. One of the happiest days of my adult life. Probably the hapliest. It truly was like being a child again.
Honestly the trippy visuals were a distant intrigue for me compared to how it affected my way of experiencing life
Someone once told me "being neurodivergent makes life an underpaid job". We quite literally aren't given the same dopamine for the same work. Living life like that is literally like working a job where you're not paid what you're worth.
That's not really how the brain works, and dopamine is more associated with precursor motivation rather than reward. Almost everyone under the age of 30 nowadays has some form of ADD, which shows that this is not really a genetic thing in the majority of cases. Technology addiction is extremely prevalent and does not require a genetic predisposition. Just quit your electronic life for a week or 2 (computer, phone, internet, video games, and even tv if you'd like), and I *guarantee* you will feel like a new person who naturally appreciates the small things in life. These devices are essentially drugs.
@@gLitCheRR44 I'm summarizing, and obviously your brain and life aren't "jobs". It's a metaphor, bro. And an extremely accurate one.
Also, source? "Where the sun don't shine" doesn't count, I'm afraid.
Not neurodivergent to my knowledge, but I feel this so deeply
I hate doing so many things involved with general life, and nobody seems to understand. Like, when I talk about hating the dishes people will say, "Yeah they suck, but I usually just listen to music or something," and they just don't seem to get it. It's just dishes over and over and then one day you die and someone else has to finish your dishes
@@EzaleaGraves yeah and even like pleasurable stuff, like eating. I love food. But I gotta decide meals for every day, shop for them, make them, then eat them, every. single. effing. day. 😞 😮💨
The only (two, actually) things that are literal are your feelings and thoughts. Talk with yourself on that level and not on a high-level dopamine-deficiency concept, it's the opposite of literal. It sounds like it explains something, but if you think about it, it does not help at all. If you tie your happiness to this explanation you will just suffer because you can't influence dopamine (except with drugs, but it's still just a theory), but you can process your feelings and thoughts.
A wonderful combination of physiology, psychology, philosophy, and spirituality all meaningfully targeted at a very real problem. Great advice as always Dr. K. I needed reminding of this today, thanks :)
Gonna print "Where do you like apples?" on a t-shirt and wear it every day
As a gifted kid who worked his ass off in High School just to get a shitty teaching job, I totally feel this.
It's undervalued more than anything. Blame the people for making the government be comprised of lip serving grifters and as a consequence keeping your profession in disarray.
The world needs teachers, it is the only frontline at giving the commonfolk a chance of becoming something. Understand that rude, obnoxious children are byproducts of their upbringing (intelligence (let alone EQ) does not bar procreation unfortunately). While I know that it would be unreasonable to ask one to go out of one's way to help such children (as such children are the majority and will never cease to grow as long as society favors the scum that procreates them) it would be a disservice to neglect the ones that do desire to become more. You will know that you have found one when their desire to learn is not in the pursuit of status (children don't have any real idea of what it takes to become something so they will say anything to make them look good (same could be said for adults)).
Oh man I really feel for you.
The girl who got voted “most likely to succeed” at my high school became a middle school teacher.
I felt so bad for her when she cheerily announced her college major.
I haven’t been on Facebook in ages but I remember one of the last things I saw on there was her bemoaning how much she hated her job but couldn’t afford to go back to school.
She didn’t know how to leave the school environment where she felt like top dog. She was too scared to try for something else. She loved her comfortable STUDENT experience and therefore incorrectly assumed she wanted to be a TEACHER.
It is for this reason I feel people shouldn’t be allowed to choose teaching as a profession until they have had another salaried job first.
I feel so sad for kids that go straight into teaching.
Maybe it’s not too late for you to pivot.
@@NeighborhoodBot That's the stupidest saying ever. You must never have gone to college. At universities, mathematics teach math, engineers teach engineering, writers teach literature and philosophy, researchers teach the sciences, doctors teach medicine, etc.
@@youtubename7819 I always have a backup plan. I don't have any student loan debt, otherwise I never would have gone into teaching in the first place. I'm taking multivariable calc this summer to work towards an engineering degree and math minor.
@@NeighborhoodBot most teachers do both
I wish he went over how to do this cognitive reframing for the things that are an objective detriment.
I don't understand how you re-write the value of something you have no control over.
Like needing a job to survive, needing school to get a job to survive, etc.
Hi, im the Op.
First of all HOLY SHIT I GOT A DOCTOR K VIDEO LESS GO.
Second of all thank you for the response, it really means a lot to me because i feel like ive been heard. That being said tho i had one question. On one hand this video talks about changing your perspective on things live your life, which is a good argument, but then doctor k proceeds to say that happiness comes from doing what you truly want to rather than what you should. I cant seem to see the relationship between these 2 ideas, it seems contradictory. One focuses on changing your internal state, while the other focuses on changing the life around you based on your authentic internal state... I just want this clarified.
Thank you.
When you are truly your authentic self, you will find that your brilliance resonates outwards and changes the state around you. Being someone who is happy from within will make you someone who through consistent slight changes over time, is able to create that environment that brings happiness to them anywhere.
Does that kinda help?
You have to truly know yourself first to do what you truly want. It's a pretty simple idea. Really hard to do it, but simple
For the last two days, I've been out in the woods and put bread in my hand and had birds in the forest coming to eat out of my hand and it's that mini moment of joy that makes life better. You have to find the little things that spark some joy and gratitude...big time...every day just remind yourself of what you have and the present.
This. Exactly this.
I would have thought that today was absolute shite if not for a few small moments that I enjoyed deeply and thoroughly: I went for a walk (used Pokémon Go as an excuse/goal) and almost every second spend outside was a second enjoying the fresh and cooler air, the misty sky and all the little things that come with autumn. I felt truly alive and incredibly happy. Even though I did "nothing". I just went for a walk... but it has made my day 🤗
Same as a small phone call with a cousin this evening; I was feeling like shit and as though life wasn't worth living (going through a fair bit & relationship just ended, so I'm a bit more miserable than usual😅) ... but one small phone call later and I feel like I'm not alone, like there is plenty for me to live for. It's the little things - connecting to yourself and spending time with people you love and who love you back.
I hope you are doing well 💚
The easier that it’s gotten to survive, the harder it is to find a reason to live
yea, survival used to be everything that is in your mind. Growing up I have never even consider the posibility of not being able to eat tomorrow, all of my worry is always about some distant future like Highschool, College or Job and I was like 12 smh
I don't know about that.. surviving is becoming more difficult again. Just look at the massive increase in homelessness.
Things are becoming worse again
@@haydenlee8332I’ve thought about that too. It’s not that surviving is that easy. We still have to work, plenty pay check to pay check. Still have to eat. Still have to take care of your mental/physical health. You have to survive no matter what. Is it less likely you’ll get mauled by a lion? Yes. Is it easier? Less intense sure, but who says this is easy?
Omgs... This is the dark souls mentality hahahah.
It's not meaningful because bosses are too easy. But when a boss is hard. Dang does it feel good to take it down!
" subsistence farmer on a small plot of land." You say this as if large sections of the year aren't just spent waiting for things to happen. Self sustaining on a farm does in fact have a ton of time where you don't really have any work to do, not the mandatory kind.
It doesn't get more pathetic than trying to shame a person for having negative feelings, and doing that exact crappy thing society does, forcing you into a linear progression that's somehow supposed to be for everyone and punish you for wanting to do something else.
In the end life is just a different kind of hard as society progresses. Some things are absolutely easier, like getting treatment and diagnosis for mental issues or just overall health issues.
Meanwhile other things like finding a comfortable place to live that won't cost most of the monthly pay check to pay off, leaving scraps for food and such, is becoming damn near impossible in many countries. @@canis_lupus_canus
I think one of the best things I ever did in life was started extra curricular activities in high school. I wish I had been involved in stuff earlier, but a lot of my current work ethic comes from my coaches instilling good work ethic and reasons why I should put myself through hardships. I’m not sure why teachers weren’t able to do this, and my parents really only taught me self care and moral lessons, but were never successful at teaching me to want to do difficult things, I always felt forced to do chores, no desire to actually do them for myself.
Same here. My patents ent me to a private school and i always had the suspicion that they didnt know what to teach me. In my 20s i realized that i had to learn how to live. Its a grueling process and counter intuitive. I find that the adults in my life could only offer basic advice.
hii bhaiya are u CA . i am in intermediate and stuck in it
@@emjhendrickson8290
I'm so enthralled by this I'm nearly speechless. Just wow. 🙌
I was just talking to a friend of mine about something like this. And how so much of the drama that I'm experiencing is because I've been living a reactionary life. Whenever someone needs something I'm there. Well, this year I'm broken, literally (physically) and figuratively (mentally). I was forced to push others and extraneous things aside because *I* needed to find a way to handle the suffering I was experiencing. Re-framing my mind definitely came into my mind at my lowest moment. Now when the negative continues to come at me (because I'm not done yet, no "happy ending" any time soon) I just choose to look at it differently. And in doing so I've been rediscovering myself and the things I want out of life.
Doing this makes the harder tasks and choices worth the effort.
The timing, the way it all comes together and how it makes perfect sense in this video just set my heart on fire. 💪❤️🔥
Brilliant, Dr. K. Just brilliant.
❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
Tbh i personnally just noticed the way of life in society is a lot harder to achieve than what i was told. Once i realized that, i just started to ask around how people are close to acheving that way of life, and from what ive gathered, everybody i asked werent even close to reaching it and i actually realised my situation was better than what similar people are living through. So i learn to just tempered down my expectation and to find happyness in the smoller thing i experience everyday, like a meal with my family or just achieving something in a game or in life. I just made my expectation and goal smoller cause i realised everybody else around also had as much if not more trouble reaching their goal
For exemple instead of wanting to help groups of people i reduced it to doing smaller and kind gesture to people in need, individually i mean. I can tell yall im prouder for realising my achievement at work and in others area of my life than before, cause i had a bad framing of how easy it was to achieve. Once i realised that i found out i wasnt doing so bad given my situation compared to other people in the same situation as me and i began to be happy with my current situation and wanting to improve it even further.
Yeah, me too. Only part of it is a mental/spiritual problem. The other part is a problem with inflation, wages not rising with productivity, cost of college/housing/groceries/gas/etc, and generally not being able to have the same opportunity that boomers did when they were our age. Heard a joke recently boomers are the first generation who's goal was to have a better life than thier kids. Lol.
@mattbaron14 true, i just try to be better than yesterday, tho that only works if the environment permit it. Im lucky enough to be in such an environment even at 30 year old, not everybody has that chance tho. Its why im trying to not just be better myself everyday, to be bring a bit of happyness to people around me everyday as i know i may not always be as fortunate to live in such an environment as now.
@@mattbaron14 the cause of inflation is corruption/financialization, the military industrial complex/special interest groups are finding clever ways of moving wealth from the working class to the owning class
I'm going though this exact struggle right now. Like, it just feels life is constantly hard and just get increasingly harder. There are so much things we have to handle. We have to keep ourselves physically fit, mentally well, then be financially stable. But to do that you need to build skills and knowledge to get a job that you want. And even all that you may want to pursue your own interests and hobbies. And this is just personal growth. If you want to have a partner and form a family you have to deal with that, not to mention dealing with your own family and the inlaws. How about friends and coworkers then. All these while trying to avoid pitfalls like addiction, procrastination, toxic relationships, etc. and time is short. And as Dr K mentioned we weren't taught how to handle all of these in school. We were just expected to develop these life skills as they pile on schoolwork, projects and exams. With the idea that if you can handle these, you should have the critical thinking to handle whatever life throws at you. Life is not that simple anymore.
I think this could be phrased more compassionately as ... think of it like levels in video games: there are high level areas, there are low level areas in the world map. Our starting gear and XP multiplier is beyond our control. Sometimes people get thrown in an unexpectedly high level area and they start losing a lot, and the unexpected transition is also something outside our control. From someone who's made it, it's easy to look at it as sucking but from their perspective, they just met a ridiculous difficulty spike that they never expected, nor know how to cope with.
And let's be real: while most of the time the situations are average level, sometimes, some situations are straight up high level even by the standards of all of humanity. Like being an American low income bracket family that has a traffic accident that insurance doesn't cover. Or being stuck in a deadlock of problems caused by an inescapable abusive household that makes sure that we don't learn lifeskills. But for many of us, I have the feeling it's probably very much like my situation, being raised as a Mommy's Girl/Boy and thinking it's fine to leave everything to mommy and then suddenly realizing that we're 24, we haven't learnt shit about lifeskills because of a helicopter mom that'd actively kneecap our efforts to learn, and then realize we don't know how to cope with life. That's how it happens a lot of the time.
Thank you for the video!
I've been searching for a video like this for almost a decade, one that perfectly encapsulates what I am feeling and want to happen in my life. Thank you so much, Dr. K, you just indirectly saved a life.
hope you're doing better now
In Germany we actually have a class in school called "values and norms", which you can take instead of religious classes. It's for learning about teachings from all religions and spiritual and philosophical schools of thought and how those teachings manifest in different societies, but also about how different schools of thought try to find meaning in life.
Except for the fact, this class was probably canceled due to sickness of the teaching staff. "Fachkraftsmangel"
14:48 This part and the patient example hit really hard. Even just today, I talked with my partner about how I have this voice within me that does nothing but cast doubt and that’s always its justification - “Because.” I swear, Dr. K…. Sometimes, it’s like you just know what it is I need to hear.
Thank you for everything you do. I’ve been an avid YT user for over a decade and this may be the most valuable channel I’ve ever found. ❤
This really isn't my problem and I feel completely dead inside.
I've never been told to follow any path. No one expects anything of me really. I have parents who would support virtually any path I choose.
I've never been more unhappy than I am now. I am just numb. Almost entirely anhedonic with no vision of my future and with no idea what to do.
same i kind of wish my parents forced me to do something. i’d rather be unhappy and getting something done than even more unhappy doing nothing.
I'm in a similar boat. Examine your life: What are some things you have enjoyed before? Things you have enjoyed throughout your life? That may help give you some direction and an idea of who you are, even if you can't bring yourself to enjoy those things at the present. Second, seriously consider seeking treatment for depression if things are as bad as you say. Third, the answer for people like us may simply be that we require a drastic life/lifestyle change (like really everything needs to change, not just 1 or 2 things in our life); I know this is incredibly hard to do if not impossible without being literally forced to via external factors, but this may be the key. Lastly, it sounds like you are way too worried about your future, so maybe you should stop thinking about it and just let it go. Many people who are objectively successful have boring, uninteresting, and stale lives. You don't want to be like them; create your own path.
Your age, if you don't mind..
@@leandrogomes7738 26, been feeling this way 5 years prior and it's gotten worse over time
One of the most helpful videos I’ve found on this channel is you have no idea who you are. It will won’t solve all of your problems just by watching but it will give you a way out. Seriously helped me so much and changed my life.
I was discussing with a friend reasons to live for, we are 20 years old and I kinda don`t have a driving force to archieve things anymore
eh. me since 15-16. (i kinda hit depression at 12)
Two pieces of advice I give to people who hate their job is, write a CV and take whatever training you need to get a job you'd prefer, and while you're in the job that sucks, make a plan forward and save up what you can, so you can fund the life you prefer. That way, you're working for yourself, your goals, not just for the sake of someone else and paying rent stuck in a loop. Plan your way out of the loop and make your moves with patience. And the rest is yes, reconnect with your inner child, apply creativity to make boring things fun. Learn to enjoy the silence, be grateful for the little you have, and make moves forward. And never say "I can't", say "I've not yet learned to", then learn to. And maybe brighten some people's day on the way.
Doesn't apply to me as I am very content with where I am. But I think that is very solid and practical advice for people suffering in a job or situation that can't be changed on a whim.
Sooo...just wanted to let you know that your comment is appreciated I guess. :D
Have a nice week!
this advice is goated asf
That is very generic advice and and won't work for most people, if you want to make it in a saturated high competitive market like music or filmmaking for example even if you work extremely hard a big percentage is down to dumb luck, I have seen extremely hard core working actors who are much better than most famous actors but never got a lucky break for example.
@@silotx this advice is for people not already doing this, its basically the only advice so its really good advice. It might not work 100% of the time but it WILL make you happier, give your life more of a purpose and theres litterally nothing else you can do.
What is a CV?
-Enjoyment comes from within
-Decide what to do with your life yourself. Do what you like
-What is the source of your sadness n why
-Your reactions to thing is the building blocks
Tips from a bourgeois dude propped up by his bourgeois parents with little to no understanding of what the life of the average person actually consists of.
This is one of the greatest channels I’ve ever discovered and speaks to me in such a way that’s it’s almost like he’s in my head
Needed this rn, I used to actually live and go out skating and enjoyed going out at night not having a particular goal. Life doesn't have to be complicated it never used to be for me, the best times in my life is when it was simple. We see life like we have to work and save money but that's never been what I care about.
The best way to live life is to do what you want. Now we have the internet and seeing everyone happy with friends which then makes others depressed. It's why I've deleted Instagram and Twitter because its just shoved in my face. Reconnecting with yourself means leaving that all behind and getting back into my hobbies that I love. I've been putting off being happy until i find a group of friends but because of that I'm not learning the social skills needed.
This video helped me out a lot today. Completely changed my mood at work. Hopefully it continues to have the same impact. I will definitely be sharing this video and watch it a few more times.
"Nothing good nor bad in life
but thinking makes it so"
Shakespeare
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
- Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
One of the best videos i've seen from you imo Dr.k :D Learned so much and got so much clarity on what i'm personally struggling with and have been for some time now! Thank you
I wouldn't want to re-experience all the worst moments of my life again but I also wouldn't want to undo them because they made me who I am today. In hindsight, I am really proud of how I overcame all the suffering I went through and it makes waking up to a cup of coffee that much more satisfying.
I used to think that, if I could, I wanted to go back and make different decisions in my life. But without those decisions, I don’t have the life I live now. And even when I’m depressed and deep in the grey apathy, I have things and people in my life that I love and want to keep near me.
That last point really, really resonated with me.
I'm a buddhist, and I'm also a very busy college student. Like I did everything else, I tried to routinely practice meditation every day, about 30 minutes, but I had no spirit behind it. It had become like homework. Eventually, though, I started reading a Tich Nhat Hahn book. The first line read "Life is filled with suffering, but it is also filled with many wonders, such as the blue sky, the sunshine, and the eyes of a baby. To suffer is not enough. We must also be in touch with the wonders of life." Reading it felt like putting on a pair of glasses I had lost months ago, and I've been considerably happier ever since.
It doesn't matter what you practice, be it buddhism or another tradition or your own thing entirely. It matters how. You have to be in touch with yourself and the world around you (really, the same thing).
I love how drk is one of us who grew up playing wow and league of legends. Haven't heard the smurf lexicon in a while, but it made me smile
Life has no meaning itself, we are the one who puts any meaning to it.
Key points:
Life sucks if you just do what you're told or expected to, because kinda teachs you to ignore what you feel or want. You should do things that you want*, or do it for something that you really want. Try to think a way in which it could work out**, or else it will always be a non stoping "do x, THEN you will be happy". Improving at something also feels good.
Best coping skill: cognitive reframing (change your point of view; your emotional reaction to something; its emotional meaning)>>numb youself playing videogames.
Spirituality is the field of being happy. Differs from understanding our behavior or our biology.
Tool: look within yourself***
-----
Personal opinion:
*Maybe a hobby could work?
**Don't go blindly...
***It relates to other videos about shutting down social media (designed to toxically capture your attention and numb you, literally, even benefits of making you lose track of time) and be by yourself so you reflect and become senstitive to your emotions and inner drives that modern life has numbed.
As an atheist, I like to think of things like souls and spirits as a metaphor for human well being and self-perception. Not something that has an actual supernatural existence, but something that greatly influences our state of mind.
The usage of the word "spirituality" to refer to practicing self-care and stuff like that perfectly fits this metaphor.
As a vegan, i approve this message.
I’m really feeling this today. I work my butt off to get into better positions.. then inflation rises screws me over again. I feel exhausted constantly.
so do i ...
As always, thank you for you wisdom Dr. K. I seek your advice when I'm losing track of why I'm fighting to live in this world, and when I understand what you're saying, it all becomes clear if that makes sense. What I'm trying to say is that you make me reflect and you teach important lessons and knowledge. I'm forever grateful ❤
I really resonated with this. Everyday just tends to suck for me with absolutely no reason and I keep blaming (outright despise) myself for it, knowing I'm the problem.
same i would hate life less if i just had a better body and a functional mind
Tbh though, lot of factors aren't actually our fault, like the economy or covid, or the fact other people are so closed off that even if we try to socialize and get out there so few want to reciprocate
You're a fish measuring yourself on your ability to ride a bike (metaphorically speaking). It's not easy, but you need to carve out a life for yourself that fits you better. Studying mental health and psychology in a more formal way is the best start I can offer, because it will help you understand not only why you are you, but also why others are the way they are.
Additionally, if you haven't yet, ssris tend to be great for most people experiencing negative thoughts in the short term. The current hypothesis is the boost in serotonin triggers more brain pathway development which helps people learn to manage their situation better. A lot of people don't even need to take it for very long, and taking it for too long can cause depression if you're just going through a depressive episode. But those with long term conditions respond well to it long term.
So, consider talking to your primary care physician about SSRIs simply because it might help you get another perspective and might help you craft a life that has meaning even in the middle of all of this.
Literally I feel the exact same way. I'm sorry you're going through this.
“Why are we still here? Just to suffer?” or “Why are we still here just to suffer?”
Some people say pain is inevitable but suffering is optional…
Maybe the purpose of life is to find something so meaningful that makes all the suffering worth it ? Can that be anything? Probably a combination of growth and contribution? The secret to living is giving and growth/progress = happiness
But I like to believe we’re all here on borrowed time and I’m not entirely sure how to make the most of this time that we’ve been given?
Ah idk tbh, I don’t have all the answers, I’m still trying to ask the right questions… but either way, thanks for reading and Wish you all the best!
Yesterday is History. Tomorrow is a Mystery, but today is a Gift; that’s why we call it the Present
Big fan of this. I'm a Christian and I think what you're saying is congruent with what I've been taught and what I believe. People go off the rails when they treat Christianity like a set of rules, when the truth is God is desperately wants you to know you are forgiven and can accept mercy. It's not a draconian set of strictures that condem you if you step outside of them. You can be sufficient in God, not the things of this world, yet we can live in this world and enjoy the things God has placed before us with freedom, not a sense of *should*. Sometimes those things are hard, like studying for a test, but freedom in God means you don't have to put your worth in the outcome of a test, and thus you can approach it with less fear and anxiety. You can choose the challenges you wish to take on or not. You can sit around and do nothing, and you will still be loved by God!
Thank you so much for this video! I was reading the title and smiled a bit thinking "life sucks because skill issue" [the devs who balanced this patch also broke so much shit that it's a wonder that folks are still alive 😭]. People who live life on impossible tier raid battle difficulty yet somehow beat its absurd mechanics are amazing and those that help out along the way are my favorite homies on this huge server of life and make me wanna keep learning as I play along 🤣
The way you talk about all this reminds me so much of the best qualities I've appreciated in the people who have helped me grow and recover from particularly difficult points in my life. I hope I can likewise do better through my own experiences of the many aspects of life in honor of all these things that have helped keep my houseboat from sinking with whatever present moment I got. You have no idea how many little things left behind from all sorts of people who have lived have helped those who come after and I sincerely hope that Dr. K's ways of reaching out to help others can likewise do the same for someone else who needs this moment the most, now and in someone else's future past this point. Good luck everyone, you got this 🦀
I liked Dr K's definition of spirituality and his take on how religion relates to it. Thank you for this another helpful video!
I stopped seeing my therapist cause I found Dr. K’s videos to be more helpful and relatable (and it’s free).
🎉🎉
I recommend his guide to mental health also its more like organized and really good information. I want to support Dr K everyway I can.
Thank you HealthyGamer, I've watched and discovered plenty of health professionals here on UA-cam with the personal development theme, but sir, you have become my favourite in the past few days by far. Thank you so much!
100% agree 🎯 I was just thinking the same thing! I love the way he explains things and focuses on facts to back them up!
i ain't a religious person, i dont disbelieve in a higher power, i just cant prove it, dr. k you present the strongest argument for religion ive ever seen.
Aaaand as with most things in life, the answer is: because you're poor.
If you had lots of money, AND ACTUALLY STOPPED DOING WORK, you'd be set.
No stress. No problem that is unsolvable. Want to go for a skiing trip to Austria? Can go in the same day.
A loved one falls ill? Get the best medical help available, without bankrupting your entire family line.
Some therapist once said: "psychology is great, but i came to realise that most of my clients problems are stemming from the lack of money"
So the goal is to basically get a lot of money and have kids who will live carefree lives. The life that you weren't able to live.
Poverty is a choice.
@@suzanneemerson2625 said a person from the comfort of their suburban house in the richest country on the planet.
Yeah. Right
As a person from the 3rd world, who does better than 90% of my countrymen, and still orders of magnitude is worse off financially, than, like 80% the average Americans. This makes me laugh out loud. If I was in America, I'd already be a millionaire. And I'm only 26.
If you live in the States and still are poor, that just means natural selection tbh. Earning money in the US is like on super-easy mode, because of how huge your economy is, and how much disposable income your population has. Something I look at what businesses took off in the USA and think to myself: "This crap worked? Here, nobody would buy this." - and i have this thought more times than i care to count.
@@suzanneemerson2625 OP's argument was bad, but you managed to bring up an even worse counterargument.
As for OP's point: No, poverty is not a choice, but happiness is. There are stories of people being happy even in absolute misery. There are stories of Jewish prisoners in 1930s and 1940s Germany being happy. There are many rich people who are absolutely miserable, and only pretend to be happy because then can afford to. Money does make life easier, but it doesn't make it better, at least not by itself.
guess it kinda does. if i had money i wouldn't have to study for college and i'd be instead able to go to all those adventurous trips that i want to, make friends & create a social life & also be able to afford therapy
@@regulusthestar you think that the last four things would make you happy ..haha and what if it does not ..what the the next thing in line Mr. ?
Perspective. You choose how to view your life. Choose a way to think, we sure as hell can’t choose the way we feel.
I like stoicism
Amor fati, live life knowing it will end. Embrace the highs and lows, it’s all temporary. Thoughts and feelings come and go.
Important stuff here.
I havent worked full time for two decades now, because I enjoy living much more then working. I now work around 5 hours a day.
For every annual raise, I get at work, I work a little less time, staying at the same income but working less.
The first years I didnt notice much of a difference, but now I fully enjoy my life and feel very content...the first steps are the most important.
For this to work, I had to study first, so I could get a job where this way of life is possible, so in a way studying was my first steps.
Also, living in Europe where you have those basic workers right and healthcare the poor fellas in the US lacks made my way of life possible in the first place...So for some people, the first steps might have to be to relocate.
What's your occupation?
europoor cope
@@ostensibly531 Teacher
I’ve been focusing on making life worth living by intentionally doing things that bring me joy. I suffer greatly from chronic illness and mental health and learning disability. I’m honestly only here because I have to be. But if I’m going to be here, I’m going to make parts of it joyful enough to be worth it.
I didn't think I'd ever be convinced spirituality or anything religions related could be anything close to something I'd respect or value. And yet every time I watch Dr. K speak it all starts to make sense. There's something in there, which even makes sense thinking of science we know. That's very interesting.
15:55 Funda of where the experience of pleasure comes from
17:48 coping mechanisms vs cognitive rephraming
19:15 what causes suffering; pay attention to your reactions
20:52 Discovery of "god"
You say "please contact a licensed professional if..." But what if people are broke?
Don’t be broke. It’s not the best option.
progress in nutshell - overall result is much better than it used to be, but process is much worse than it used to be
Watching this video drinking coffee in my mug that reads "Happiness lies within". 'Cause sometimes in life I need the daily reminder.
Dr. K made me realize there is a very nuanced duality in our psychology for both good and evil. All evil that exists within our world has it's origin in the human mind.
We cannot trust our thoughts without examination. A derailed, unchecked thinking is the most dangerous thing our minds are able to produce. All it takes is one bad thought to wreck one's life.
Dr. K is doing god's work here. Thank you.
“All it takes is one bad thought to wreck one’s life.” Wow. Holy crap, what a realization.
Thanks.
what did you expect lol
I'm turning 18 a week from now. That and the fact that I'm constantly stressed in school is giving me the ultimate existential crisis package.
I wouldn’t even believe that I could be 18 because I didn’t feel like I wanted to face this moment in my life. But here I am and I’m still struggling with social anxiety which makes my life so hard to live.
was in your position two years ago, & my 20th birthday is in a few short weeks 🥰 life can get a lot better really fast. your relationship with yourself matters above all ❤️
I honestly can't remember being stressed in school even once in my life. I'm curious, what are you constantly stressed about? You just have to go there, write some tests and go back home and play video games or watch yt/netflix
Hi @Altheamaeve, what part of school is stressing you out the *MOST*? Is it socializing? Tests? homework? There are ways to work through each of these things, finding what stresses you the most can help you target the stressor and make it better
nothing changes when you become 18 tbh it’s just an arbitrary milestone but your life will be exactly the same
the very wiring that helped us survive is holding us back big time.
the answer to learning how to live lies in spirituality ( = personal psychology)( = study of self)
suffering comes from how you react to everything
you're suffering because you're not living the way you want, you're not working towards what you want to. more importantly, you're disconnected from yourself.
got to learn how to live today.
you cannot experience feelings outside yourself
cognitive reframing: changing the way you think. look within yourself.
find why you're suffering. realize your thoughts and attachments connected to it. pay attention to your reactions
From my personal experience trauma I used to be good at life until that hit it’s like it damaged my brain and changed my body chemistry now I have no energy, brain fog, and fibromyalgia etc. I can’t just “get over it” it’s changed my entire DNA
I got you, but I try to remember that even if trauma wires the brain, healing changes the brain too.
Your brain is just gonna evolve your whole life and you can choose what to feed it with
@@mousesoos2141 true
But say, if you have emotional numbness and you cant feel joy nore sadness, how can you even think about feeling something good within yourself when everything is flat ?
I swear, hearing this just makes me feel like I was getting gaslit to be as miserable as other people for sections of life.
In fact, you probably were, so someone else could sell you happiness (or promises of happiness to get you to go do random stuff)
It's pretty damn nefarious. People will make you feel terrible just to sell you a product.
Not gaslighting. The majority of us spend the majority of our time (40+ hours plus basic life maintenance) doing shit we'd rather not do and the rest of that time doing nothing in particular. When this is pointed out to people the response is just "yeah, that's being an adult". Don't pretend like it isn't a shitty deal.
@@colbyboucher6391
Suffering is a choice. Stop pretending it’s not.
This video really helped me I've been down in a slump for a few months now just sad and shitty a lot and this video made me realise it's because im not doing the things my mind wants me to do all day i think of doing things i want to do but i never do them coz im afriad of taking the first step
Misery = doing what others/society say you "should" do is top notch advice. I've had ADHD and several chronic illnesses all my life, but only recently (mid 30s) have I determined to stop uselessly and desperately working 'against' those things and lay out a course in life that makes me happy, to hell with what I "should" be doing. Even if I'm just starting that journey, I already feel a massive weight lifted. 10/10 would recommend, even if it's not easy or everything yoi hope it will be.
What's the path you've found that is finally 'doing it' for you?
A year later how are you, and how did this go for you?
This came on my page at the perfect time. I’m studying for later, saving for our future house, I’ll have more freedom once the kids are older. Later later later. I keep missing the “now” things.
I didn’t know my friend would be moving away, I didn’t know those were the “good times.” I don’t even remember my last “normal” holiday, now most of my extended family moved away or has died, I would have enjoyed it more if I knew it would be the last one. I’m a nervous wreck waiting for my next loss that I’m taking for granted now.
The days are long but the years are short, as they say, but I’m just so impatient for the next thing. The me who lived on camping furniture would be so mad at current me who is fairly comfortable all things considered. But I’m just so sad. Equal parts exhausted and bored.
Sadly most of these suggestions don't pay the bills or make debt go away. There really only seems to be one way out for some when they suck at life to the point where there's no hope.
Bourgeois advice form a bourgeois dude propoed up for years by his bourgeois parents.
This is really helping me right now. Thank you so much I will try to live more in the moment instead of my future grind and thoughts all the time.
well that title was unnecessarily personal
God forbid your ego takes a hit 😆
@@Ro7770God forbid if I take the longest shit😅
Hope is a double-edged sword in this sense. You need it to keep going on the promise of something better which could materialise, but equally, it leads you to continue along through the worst situations and there is no guarantee that things will improve, and sometimes they don't.
I don't see a set answer to this, but for myself, I keep persisting and I've found routes that have led me to a more contented and fulfilled life. I enjoy painting, I doubt I'll ever be a great artist but I don't really care, I enjoy the process, I enjoy the feeling of disappearing into the activity and getting beyond myself (in terms of problems and concerns) for a short period.
To paraphrase how Tolkien put it, this is not escape as in delusion but escape as in the prisoner being freed from the cell; a cell I created for myself.
It's not perfection, but I think that's unattainable. Instead, I'm trying to integrate my issues and weaknesses and understand them, to stop the worst behaviours they can produce in me. It's a neverending struggle, but it's a struggle I find to be worthwhile.
You’re so made for this. Thank you 🥰
Amazing channel, great video, definitely a fan. Thank you! What a service to all of us!
there's no way I can stand another year of this
there's always hope, do something you've never done thus far like praying or meditation. The key is to turn your struggles into a challenge you seek to overcome
Alok, I recently discovered this channel and started listening to your videos one after the other. They are awesome but this one, this one is pure gold! Thank you for making these!!! They're a great source of guidance for me.
I had a weird experience meditating and suppressed it because it was traumatic. It caused me panic attacks for a few months despite me not even knowing what a panic attack was at the time. I started thinking about it a couple years ago and meditating again after 4 years of avoiding it. The way I think started to profoundly change. I realized I was experiencing emotions(and literally everything) as their words and how they were taught and not what they actually felt like to me in myself. I had suppressed anger completely. I eventually found anger to be the emotion but also the feeling of anger exists as this feeling of power as well. In suppressing the feeling of anger, because I was taught the emotion was bad, I also blocked off the positive power of that feeling. I noticed if I felt anger(the feeling of what anger feels like to me, not the emotion of anger) I could feel happiness at the same time. Creating motivation or pride. I could feel fear as courage(Feeling fear and happiness at the same time creates a feeling of excitement, adding positive anger creates courage) and just many many different ways of feeling I had no awareness of or no way to access. For so many years I was like a cook in a cooking challenge with limited ingredients. Now I'm finally back home where I have all the ingredients and can cook whatever I want.
It also showed me I was actually feeling a lot of a different kind of anger, despite suppressing what I had thought anger to be. I was feeling anger and fear as hate and when I would feel motivation I would actually feel spite instead because I was unaware of the hate I was feeling. So it would be a fleeting motivation due to spite's external nature. This is very hard to explain because with the way I now understand emotions they begin and end in weird places and morph together and when trying to explain it with the language I have the structure begins to fall apart. The words do not fit the feelings and how the feelings move. Through this I've found an incredible childlike curiosity to what everything around me is, as if I haven't learned anything at all. In turn this has led to an intense sense of purpose and desire to experience, discover, create, destroy, reform that goes far beyond just feeling happy. I now have a voice of self assurance that puts my well being first and doesn't care if I look foolish. I always worried about being an asshole or looking silly or being a narcissist that I inevitably just became all of those things through insecurity.
In many ways I'm a worse person now, on paper. Yet in practice I am way better for both my self and others. I smile at everyone for literally no reason, i dont care if I look creepy, or what kind of impression I make. I have become an absolute fucking weirdo and I love every moment of it. Also I work a 12 hour shift in a factory, I live in a lovely house you could call shitty, I have an 09 nissan versa that's dying. Ive had relationships come and go, and this feeling has remained. Probably not your ideal life, but it is mine. Allowing it to be ideal to me at any moment in circumstance has allowed the circumstance to begin to change, and given me hope even if or when the circumstance changes for what would appear to be worse. I also used to be an atheist and insanely skeptical. I'm completely sober and have been basically my entire life, people seem to always think I do a lot of psychedelics or something. This is all c02 baby. You can't truly be good at living until you've felt what it feels like to suck at living. How can you stop sucking an ass you've never sucked. Sorry, just throwing out some giggles for those of you that made it this far. Anyway, thanks for reading, love you.
Lovely post my guy😊. You just described a supremely ideal life and did it with so much eloquence. Thanks for sharing your transformation🎉
This was awesome. Thanks.
Whenever I hear the word "cope", I'm remembering one of my favorite songs from Arrested Development called Fishin' 4 religion:
"She's asking the Lord to let her cope
So one day she can see the golden ropes
What you pray for God will give
To be able to cope in this world we live
The word "cope" and the word "change"
Is directly opposite, not the same
She should have been praying to change her woes
But pastor said "Pray to cope with those"
The government is happy with most baptist churches
Coz they don't do a damn thing to try to nurture
Brothers and sisters on a revolution
Baptist teaches dying is the only solution
Passiveness causes others to pass us by
I throw my line till I've made my decision
Until then, I'm still fishin' 4 religion"
I am crying right now. Really crying. I've been asking the very same question, almost verbatim, for all my adult life (20+ years).
This has been so emotional for me, I have had to take breaks watching the episode just to watch it all. I've been at the edge of my sanity all these years, living in auto.
I have much to consider now.
Get closer to the things you want to do, whatever interests you in life, study yourself, I wish the best for you.
Respectfully, this is one of the best videos I've seen on this topic. I think your point on spirituality was really spot-on. Self-understanding and self-connection/realization is so important if we are to navigate life well - because life is turbulent at times, hence we need something to keep ourselves grounded. Science and religion/social relations can give you a lot, but they cannot give you that.
Life doesn't suck because we suck at living. Life would be perfectly fine if we didn't make it miserable for each other. Let me give you an example: Imagine you get thrown in a pool where you have a perfectly fine time swimming around, until someone comes around starts dragging you under for their own fun. I believe you'd develop an aversion towards pools, not because of the water but because at any given moment someone could pull your leg and almost drown you for a joke bro. Now I'm listening to people telling me the water isn't that bad.
The source of misery in my life is exclusively people. No cat, no dog, no tree, no car, no failed project, only people. And as far as i remember it's been exclusively ego things, where someone kicks over your house of cards because it happens to be two stories higher or because the cards you use happen to be pink, not because you did anything wrong.
I mean i get it, if everyone is fighting you have to learn how to fight. Question still stands, what's the point?
The way I see it is everyone, to a degree, is a victim of their own circumstances, and the greater society that breeds these people is what needs to change. That person who drags you under the pool is awful, but what made them like this? Maybe someone dragged them under a pool as a child, and this is the way they've learned to be powerful. Because at the end of the day, our current society values power and control and ownership over all else. Have a higher job title than your peers. Own more stuff than your friends. Make so much money that you can sit upon your own throne in a nice big mansion all to yourself. It's always a game of climbing over someone else to get the tastier fruit. But no one ever asks what the cost is, or why we are driven to do this in an era where technology and resources are so abundant that we shouldn't feel a sense of scarcity.
So all that person in the pool knows is to climb. Because it's probably all their parents knew, and their friends and everyone around them. So rather than running from pools for the rest of our lives, the scary and difficult thing to be done is trying to find common ground with the pool person. They don't deserve your sympathy, because all they did was attack you. But if you can reason with them to stop grabbing people in the pool and show them that you can both have fun swimming together, maybe they can do that for the person who grabbed them too. And then all three of you can begin asking the rest of the world why we feel the need to climb.
I was actually just talking about this idea with my parents so I have a lot of thoughts lol
But it is still the fault of the individual for making his own life miserable. When someone else does something to us and we get hurt by it, we only feel this way because our false opinions have led us to believe we have been hurt, not because we have actually been hurt. The Stoics have it right when they say happiness is not found in externals. They are correct not only because externals cannot bring us happiness, but also because externals cannot take away our happiness (unless we allow them to).
The pool metaphor is a bit misleading in that it suggests that another person can drag you under if they want to, but in real life, this can't be the case. Someone who wants to drag another under for fun is surely someone who has not learned to swim in the first place, so they would not be able to pull you under to begin with.
@@aaronleatherman883thank you for bringing up this astute observation. I have been wondering about this myself... Maybe the beat thing for the egoistic is to trip them up and deflate their balloon. Nobody has the right to tear someone's creation apart, but they will try to do it anyway.
The purpose in life is to find purpose. Introspectively think what gifts/talents you have and how you can use it. Or discover what it is you like and fight for it.
this comment resonates with me a lot.
even when you’re just minding your own business trying to enjoy the few truly good things in life, sometimes there are just people who want to take it away from you.
i frequently go on long outdoor walks and there’s been a few times where people in cars or younger people biking passed me feel the need to shout something at me. just for walking. on a paved path.
another example being i saw a video of some guy (beautifully) playing piano. every single comment was making fun of his appearance. just little things like these make me sad, man. why can’t we just let eachother live. life is hard enough.
I think a large part of the situation is that over the course of the past several decades the inherent inequitable nature of society has not only grown, but become more obvious and undeniable. To use your swimming analogy. If you get thrown into a pool without knowing how to swim, you'll likely drown. So you decide to practice. Then you realize, you'll never be as good as you could be with an instructor. So you decide to find an instructor. This is the first point where inequality arises. You ask around and find that there are three options. The first is too expensive because the instructor with the most knowledge is sought after by the majority of people, and to learn from this person means getting lucky to gain a spot in his class, and going into debt because of how in-demand this person is. The second option is to learn from someone who isn't a good teacher, which means you will learn more and faster than on your own, but you may gain a flawed understanding with missing important details, and the instructor may turn you off to the entire subject because of how bad the teaching is. The third option is to find self-study material. You may be dedicated enough and lucky enough to translate written words into physical experience but you may also drown in the process.
So you pick one, whichever one and remarkably become a decent swimmer. Not the best, not the worst. At some point you realize that even though everyone is pushed into the pool, some people end up on a yacht, some people end up in the shallow end, but most people, the overwhelming majority of people, are in the deep end. So the inequality rears its head again. But never mind, you say to yourself, this is just a part of life and you should focus on your swimming. Over time you realize there are a lot more people being pushed into the pool than there were in the beginning - it's starting to feel crowded. You also realize that as some point the people on the yacht realized that the harder you swim, the more electricity and entertainment they receive. So they, the people in boats - some of whom lucked into them, some of whom inherited them, some of whom worked hard for them at a time when boats were available - decide that they are going to start placing weights on some of the people. This increases their return but makes your swimming much harder. You were never the greatest, you learned how to keep your head above water but now it's almost impossible - the people on the boats seem to be having a great time though and encourage you to keep at it. More people are jumping into the pool now and it makes it even harder to stay afloat. At some point you realize you'll never have your own boat and that the people already in boats are just adding more weight while congratulating themselves on making the water not freezing anymore. They say you should be thankful for how comfortable you are now compared to when the water was cold, even if you'll never have a boat and will need to keep swimming your whole life - they even throw you some pool toys and start playing music for the enjoyment of everyone else swimming.
At some point you wonder, why am I even in the pool? Did I choose to be in the pool? No, you were thrown into the pool. Ok, so you were thrown into a pool without consent, a pool that is inequitable and whose privileged members add weight to your feet for their betterment, and they even started throwing their trash into the pool. So now you try to get out, but every time you do someone says "If you keep swimming youll get your boat some day". But as years go by, and you start to see younger people being given boats they never earned while you're still trying to keep your head above water, the urge to either get out of the pool or let yourself be carried under by the weights grows. So you decide to get out. Only when you do, you realize there is no "outside the pool" now. What was once an alternative area to being in a pool trying to keep your head above water, has now been reduced to a thin walkway that you can barely stand on. Now you realize that your only option is the pool, and you will never get a boat.
"I'm done with binge watching HealthyGamerGG, but maybe one more" 😂 literally explain why I procrastinated shit
This is basically me, my mind/body is telling me instead of working at Bestbuy I want to go start a commune and live off of the land.
The spirit is telling me that’s how I’ll find happiness
10/10, no notes :) Dr K for the win! I work at communing with myself through learning and culture (Music can be a transcendental experience for me, for example)
11:55 is a really good explanation of the ego and superego
I dont need Dr. K to tell me I suck at life. I already know 😂
the way they phrase and title these videos too feels wrong like they didnt even try or they tried but not to achieve mental health
...and that's why we clicked :)
I remember how Dr. K was once advised by fellow youtubers to "trick" people into learning.
not at life but at living your life
i'm gonna bookmark this video
when Dr. K's channel goes boring and people mass unsubs
I'll turn this video against Dr. K LOL
@@Sealea-nc4znbecause its pointed where it hurts and it makes you really aware by being that you get the attention and it works instead of numbing it and just in a state of auto pilot
I'm pretty sure source of my suffering is capitalism/worrying if I'll end up homeless and or jobless, month after month, and not something lacking within myself/not doing what I want (I just want to have roof over my head man).
It's like job searching is a struggle
I choose to live because I have friends that depend on me. Life is hard for everyone and ending mine would make it even harder for them. I'm here to have a good time. I don't value my life that much and am not afraid of death, but in that I had found power. If nothing matters, if it is all a struggle regardless, why not attempt to make it the best?
It really helps remove fear and anxiety for me and makes me do things which validate my existence.
The source of my suffering is being born, lmao
@@Couscous77not having a say in my existence is the source.
nah the source is not being born set up with a wealthy family and good body/mind
You’ve only lost when you give up. Don’t give up
@@ElectricBoogaloo69that’s a pretty lame reason, buddy. Nobody has ever once consented to being born, doesn’t make it a crime or something that hurt you.
No one asks to be here, but yet here we are…
Truthfully without trying to patronize, I like to believe things can improve if we work to improve it but also things can get Way worse if we let it !
Well, imagine life on the Savana 100's of thousands of years ago... you spent all day avoiding getting eaten by wild predators, and then try to find enough food to keep yourself alive.
The point of evolution ( and life) is.... eat, reproduce, & die. That's it. The sun feeds the plants, animals eat the plants, predators eat the plant eaters.
Life is what YOU make it out to be. Yes, you need a LOT of luck for that to happen. Born in the right place with the right opportunities.
Life in 2023 is better & worse at the same time and not evenly across the globe.
Find a way to survive, no matter what you do.
Excellent video....learn how to live.
I'm an atheist, previously decades long Christian. Your mind creates the reality you live in. If it takes religion to give you meaning in life, so be it.
I believe in the power of MY mind to create a reality I can live with. So far....still here @ 69.
I thing would have love to hear about is his response to how people who live in slavery, war, extreme poverty, still find the way to keep going and not die. Sometimes I imagine myself being in those circumstances, and I'm like: Why would I continue living like this? I don't know if its a cognitive bias I have, but I don't think that being spiritual and looking at yourself and your reactions to things would alleviate the physical suffering and psychological suffering of these situations, no?
It actually does. Does it eliminate the suffering? No. It does mitigate it.
He did explain it: when you have to survive, you literally don't have the luxury of wondering why your life is so shit and if it's worth living, because you are needed in the present to fight for survival. It's the piramid of Maslow basically
sometimes i envy people in horrible situations because they don’t have to worry about anything besides making it to the next day. hundreds and thousands of years ago all humans had to worry about was survival. it’s hard for life to feel meaningless when the only thing on your mind is not dying. so i just feel bad about myself for not being able to handle an easy life and i find myself wishing that i had something to make my life harder even though i’d probably just give up and end it instead of rising to the challenge
I suspect given my own experience with unable to afford heating in a frigid area, I'd suspect the answer is "At least I'm still alive". It's bound to get a bit better even if things will always be bad, right?
Many might not know any different and/or it might cross their minds but the primitive drive to survive + hope for a better future is powerful. Plus if you're in these horrific circumstances you might not even have time to sit and ponder.
11:45 really reminds me of a main message of The Alchemist by paulo coelho. finding your Personal Legend and staying true to what You TRULY want, instead of getting lost in the weeds of what would be fine
Dr K is right on this one. I find that that 90% of the values I hold are things that the world has decided for me. I have few values that truly come from myself.
I find a good way to pick out these values is to ask myself: is there any doubt, no matter how small, that maybe I do not care about a something I thought I did? That maybe I do not want something that I was previously convinced I wanted? If there is, then what I am doing (at least partly) is probably for someone/something else. It is not something I truly valued, but something that has been polluted (to some extent) by the values of another.
The best way I find to start to deal with this is to demote the value/concern to a 'utility'. It is not something I truly care about, but rather, it is something I do which has a function in the world. Once it is a 'utility', you can start to adjust it to maximally represent you. You can start to change it so that you can act in a way that makes you feel happier. Maybe, in the end, you will find that the 'utility' you once had was not a 'utility' at all, but rather a 'burden'.
Glad to see someone with advice. :)
Me at 17: is it even worth living? What will it take to deprogram myself from the toxic, narcissistic asshole I had to call a father? I don’t even know how to look a woman in the eye from the social anxiety and cringey personality I had.
Me at 27: In the fight for finally retaking control over my mind, I felt like a WWII POW after Nazi Germany conquered France and bombed London. Dr. K is like the United States after intercepting Germany’s Telegram to Mexico to retake France.
(Sorry, I’m a huge history nerd lol 😂)
Never stop doing what you’re doing Dr. K. Literally cannot even hold back the tears as I type this. I literally do feel like I’d been imprisoned for years and have just recently been set free and it coincided with me discovering your channel to help put into words what I truly suffered growing up.
❤❤❤ You are loved. We are all going to make it.
The timing of these videos is so immaculate
In my life is a lot of suffering thanks to accidents and the inability of the physicians I saw to help me / guide me into fixing my physicial problems which shakle me since i'm 15.
Broke, broken, and mentally exhausted.
Needing to do it myself means learning all about the body which is extremly difficult especially due to changed bodily structure (through accidents) and such.
It's difficult to do stuff without being sure it really helps and won't make the problem worse.
I'd like to know the "normal " percentage of time that other people suffer. For me, it's 50～70%, with a constant humming of psychological pain in the background. 😮😮
I'd say 2-4% for me. Some of it is generational (Gen X got a lot of situational advantages, including good resilience training) Other factors include a great job (pediatric RN) that I NEVER dread going to. Add to the recipe a Buddhist(-ish) cognitive/emotional style, and things are manageable.
For me it used to be at some point 99% and honestly I couldn't handle it anymore. My body started to break down and I was constantly shaking and had a rapid heart beat even asleep. About 5 years later, 2 of them with meditation and therapy and then yoga and a bit of meditation and a lovely boyfriend, I'd say my suffering is about 10%, but it also depends on my cycle because hormones lol. It honestly felt like I'd be stuck forever in that state, I'm thankful it changed.
at my lowest it was 5 out of the 7 days of the week I considered worse than better. about 3 years later I'd say on average about 1 day a week is rough but sometimes it depends on the life situations at hand. in general my best day before is not even close to as good as even a neutral day now so
i think i’m suffering at least 10/14 days. there’s usually only a couple days in a month where i actually feel decent and life is relatively painless but that’s usually because i’m feeling hopeful for no fucking reason and ignoring everything wrong with my life. depends on how i feel when i wake up. i haven’t had a good day in forever though
100%. But it really depends on your understanding of suffering. There is always some discomfort going on as long as you are conscious. The rest is all about the intensity of it and your ability to focus or "look past" its presence. Tinnitus is a good example. It sometimes can't be heard over a conversation you're having with your friends, might as well not be there. But it is. You're just experience a lot if different things at the same time. This buries suffering and lessens its totality in your consciousness. Many people would also say that if you can bear the suffering it is not true suffering. For example an itch may be harder to endure than the pain of a light bruise so the latter may not be considered suffering by people simply because suffering sounds intense and that's a pain you can "leave be" and be fine with little to no strain on your daily activities and mental well being.
So a full answer would be I suffer 100% of my conscious time alive, but I also mostly have good days and consider myself happy. It is the difference between a backpack you are carrying because you want to vs a boulder someone chained to your body. Perspective alone can make light work of the same amount of weight to carry (within reason).