Wow, at 51 I am learning things about myself and my brain that make me realize things have gone undiagnosed. Memory is a thing that has always scared me as well. I have actually talked to my doctor about early onset dementia or Alzheimer's but today has been an epiphany learning about these two afflictions. Thanks for finding me!!
You have taught me something about myself that I had no idea about. I didn’t know there was a word for my bad and sad memory. It’s sort of a shock. I didn’t see it coming. But I can understand so much more of myself. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you, Amanda, for continuing to share your experiences here. Btw, “I store my memories in other people’s brains” is one of the most poetic things I’ve heard in awhile.
So, I can corroborate nearly every memory issue you've described here, with my own experience. I had attributed this to my aphantasia (the only sense I can replay in my head is sound, everything else is a 1 on a scale of 0-10). Even that sadness at not being able relive those happy memories. I can get sympathetic emotions from the way I remember things, like sympathetic embarrassment from an embarrassing moment in my past, but it's almost always only negative sympathetic emotions. I can be reminded of moments of my past, but only as factual descriptions of events (this can make it very difficult to differentiate between true memories and false ones.) Thank you for these videos, I have some research about SDAM to do.
I appreciate you sharing. I was officially diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum in the summer of 2022, at the age of 58. (I had been researching Autism in order to better support one of my adult children who was diagnosed the previous year, when I realized that I was probably on the Spectrum as well ~ a somewhat common story, I think). I've enjoyed watching your videos. Your explanation of SDAM makes so much sense to me! I may have this as well. I have almost no childhood memories, just some "factual" ones. For 27 years I was trapped in a very abusive marriage and have almost no memories from those years either. I used to attribute that to the trauma that happened during that time, but now I think it is more than that. Anyway, thanks for sharing so honestly.
Thank you for your comment Susan, it really is so helpful knowing we aren't alone in this. An entire generation of women were missed in being diagnosed with Autism. But it answers so many questions, at least for me! On the SDAM Facebook group I'm in, it's often discussed about SDAM vs trauma. Seems like some people think their memory issues are completely related to trauma, some both and others like myself don't think any trauma (I mean other than growing up undiagnosed autistic/adhd!) is separate from my memory disorder. Since SDAM is currently still being studied, we all are self diagnosed and in my opinion, if it helps explain and make sense of your life then claim it. If later it doesn't fit, toss it out. But in discussions like this, we all come to a better understanding of who we are and how we relate to each other. ❤️
I think your story is fascinating. Thank you for sharing it. You are strong. I remember everything, which isn’t always so great. Focusing on the present is also what I try to do.
You're welcome. I'm really enjoying talking about all of this. I grew up feeling embarrassed that I couldn't remember and I'd try to hide it, which of course was very stressful. So talking openly about it is so therapeutic.
I just want to say how much I appreciate your channel. I identify so much with your thoughts and feelings in this video (I have aphantasia and SDAM too). Not being able to recall my life's memories makes me really sad sometimes but I agree that there are positive side effects which provide some small compensation. P.S. I love the way you talked about storing memories in the mind of your friends.
Hey Ryan, thank you so much! I really enjoy hearing my channel is appreciated, it just fills me with happiness. I love connecting and discussing all these brainy things and discovering how similar and yet how different we all are!
I never heard of aphantasia or SDAM until I found you. I am 71 and only within the last 6 months have I been certain (self-diagnosed) that I am autistic. At 45 I was diagnosed with ADHD. Listening to this video brought back many of the frustrations of trying to explain to others that there seemed to be something wrong with my memory. Now that I have had the opportunity to do some research I know I have SDAM and partial aphantasia. I asked my husband if, when he recalls something, it is as clear as when we look at the tv screen. When he said yes, it blew me away. He does have other memory issues. I relate to some degree with all of your videos, but with this one, I almost felt like I was watching me try to explain to someone else. I have said to many people that I wasn't sure if I could tell if I got Alzheimer's because I've felt like I've always had it to some extent. Thank you for your videos.
You are so welcome! I'm glad you might have found some answers. It was such a relief when I learned other people had the same memory issues I did because, no one understood what I was talking about and you start to wonder if you are experiencing what you know you are.
Your contrasting conscious access to memory replay and having experiences build your present day self was quite an original thought on the subject, I think. This really resonated with me. I meet so few people who ever talk about thinking and learning and growing and the accumulation of experiences.
I sympathise with you a lot. I got this thought from watching your video, and maybe it's a bit forward, so please excuse that, if it is, but here goes: You said (in this video or one of the other ones) that you were able to visualize and experience things in your dreams. It made me think of lucid dreaming and the techniques people use to achieve it. Because, just like people enter into a different state of consciousness when they sleep and dream, people use meditation and self-hypnosis techniques to reach different states of consciousness while awake in a more controlled manner. I was wondering if you had any experience with trying something in that direction? You know, to see if you were able to get to some of the visualization-ability from the dream state in a more controlled manner while awake. And I apologize if this is too forward, I don't want to minimize or trivialize your condition by offering some form of 'quick fix' idea. I just had the thought - and wanted to share it, in case it could have some value to you (or others). Btw, I have just found your channel, and I appreciate your videos.
I can speak to your question a little bit from my own experience of having visualization ability in my dreams sometimes not all the time so I have vivid dreams which include that visualization and I remembered them those are the dreams that when I wake up I’m like oh wow I remember all of that and then I have dreams where there’s not visual there’s just that knowing what’s happening and it’s really difficult to recall them I just kind of have a concept of what the dream was about buts it’s so fuzzy in all aspects. I did a program for Nuro plasticity that was based in creating visual memories as part of the protocol and at the time I didn’t realize that I couldn’t do that that I wasn’t doing what everyone else was doing and well it wasn’t working for me I didn’t at the time now why now I know why. So then I went to someone to try to help get into that meditative state and explore some of what you’re suggesting and it just didn’t work. I do remember that therapist getting very frustrated because they had not really experienced someone who couldn’t go there and I kept being blamed then for not allowing it to happen and I was like if there’s a block it’s not conscious. Sorry. I can tell you that I have a very strong aversion to visuals that are disturbing I can’t entertain them it just messes and Jack’s with my autonomic nervous system for a very long time. So I don’t watch if I don’t have too. So I don’t know maybe I found a way to block my visual just like some people can dissociate through a form of self hypnosis maybe there’s a way to stop that neural pathway for visual experiences who knows. We don’t yet. The vivid dreams so when they come sometimes those dreams at some point down the road play out and that’s a little disconcerting.
Thank you for another great video. When you think of somewhere like the mansion you talk about, do you remember the spacial layout? For places visited in the past I remember the building/location layout, in a sort of wire-frame way. I don’t know if this is because I’ve got strong visio-spacial skills or if they developed strongly to compensate.
I can't see the mansion due to aphantasia, but I can sort of describe it room by room as I walk through the house. I'd probably get a lot wrong because it's been so long and I only spent a few weekends here and there throughout my childhood. I can do the same for old houses I've lived in. No visuals in my mind, but can describe some details of the layout. Pretty interesting!
Wow, at 51 I am learning things about myself and my brain that make me realize things have gone undiagnosed. Memory is a thing that has always scared me as well. I have actually talked to my doctor about early onset dementia or Alzheimer's but today has been an epiphany learning about these two afflictions. Thanks for finding me!!
You have taught me something about myself that I had no idea about. I didn’t know there was a word for my bad and sad memory. It’s sort of a shock. I didn’t see it coming. But I can understand so much more of myself. Thank you for sharing!
You're welcome. Having a memory disorder isn't the best but having a name for it is helpful.
Thank you, Amanda, for continuing to share your experiences here.
Btw, “I store my memories in other people’s brains” is one of the most poetic things I’ve heard in awhile.
That made me smile. Thank you for commenting, I always look forward to your insight.
So, I can corroborate nearly every memory issue you've described here, with my own experience. I had attributed this to my aphantasia (the only sense I can replay in my head is sound, everything else is a 1 on a scale of 0-10). Even that sadness at not being able relive those happy memories. I can get sympathetic emotions from the way I remember things, like sympathetic embarrassment from an embarrassing moment in my past, but it's almost always only negative sympathetic emotions. I can be reminded of moments of my past, but only as factual descriptions of events (this can make it very difficult to differentiate between true memories and false ones.) Thank you for these videos, I have some research about SDAM to do.
SDAM sucks, but there is comfort in finding other people who can relate to my experience in it.
I appreciate you sharing. I was officially diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum in the summer of 2022, at the age of 58. (I had been researching Autism in order to better support one of my adult children who was diagnosed the previous year, when I realized that I was probably on the Spectrum as well ~ a somewhat common story, I think). I've enjoyed watching your videos. Your explanation of SDAM makes so much sense to me! I may have this as well. I have almost no childhood memories, just some "factual" ones. For 27 years I was trapped in a very abusive marriage and have almost no memories from those years either. I used to attribute that to the trauma that happened during that time, but now I think it is more than that. Anyway, thanks for sharing so honestly.
Thank you for your comment Susan, it really is so helpful knowing we aren't alone in this. An entire generation of women were missed in being diagnosed with Autism. But it answers so many questions, at least for me!
On the SDAM Facebook group I'm in, it's often discussed about SDAM vs trauma. Seems like some people think their memory issues are completely related to trauma, some both and others like myself don't think any trauma (I mean other than growing up undiagnosed autistic/adhd!) is separate from my memory disorder. Since SDAM is currently still being studied, we all are self diagnosed and in my opinion, if it helps explain and make sense of your life then claim it. If later it doesn't fit, toss it out. But in discussions like this, we all come to a better understanding of who we are and how we relate to each other. ❤️
I think your story is fascinating. Thank you for sharing it. You are strong. I remember everything, which isn’t always so great. Focusing on the present is also what I try to do.
You're welcome. I'm really enjoying talking about all of this. I grew up feeling embarrassed that I couldn't remember and I'd try to hide it, which of course was very stressful. So talking openly about it is so therapeutic.
I just want to say how much I appreciate your channel. I identify so much with your thoughts and feelings in this video (I have aphantasia and SDAM too). Not being able to recall my life's memories makes me really sad sometimes but I agree that there are positive side effects which provide some small compensation. P.S. I love the way you talked about storing memories in the mind of your friends.
Hey Ryan, thank you so much! I really enjoy hearing my channel is appreciated, it just fills me with happiness. I love connecting and discussing all these brainy things and discovering how similar and yet how different we all are!
I never heard of aphantasia or SDAM until I found you. I am 71 and only within the last 6 months have I been certain (self-diagnosed) that I am autistic. At 45 I was diagnosed with ADHD. Listening to this video brought back many of the frustrations of trying to explain to others that there seemed to be something wrong with my memory. Now that I have had the opportunity to do some research I know I have SDAM and partial aphantasia. I asked my husband if, when he recalls something, it is as clear as when we look at the tv screen. When he said yes, it blew me away. He does have other memory issues. I relate to some degree with all of your videos, but with this one, I almost felt like I was watching me try to explain to someone else. I have said to many people that I wasn't sure if I could tell if I got Alzheimer's because I've felt like I've always had it to some extent. Thank you for your videos.
You are so welcome! I'm glad you might have found some answers. It was such a relief when I learned other people had the same memory issues I did because, no one understood what I was talking about and you start to wonder if you are experiencing what you know you are.
Your contrasting conscious access to memory replay and having experiences build your present day self was quite an original thought on the subject, I think. This really resonated with me. I meet so few people who ever talk about thinking and learning and growing and the accumulation of experiences.
I love thinking about thinking. Philosophy at a basic level has always been a facination for me. Personal development too. And just all communication.
I sympathise with you a lot. I got this thought from watching your video, and maybe it's a bit forward, so please excuse that, if it is, but here goes: You said (in this video or one of the other ones) that you were able to visualize and experience things in your dreams. It made me think of lucid dreaming and the techniques people use to achieve it. Because, just like people enter into a different state of consciousness when they sleep and dream, people use meditation and self-hypnosis techniques to reach different states of consciousness while awake in a more controlled manner. I was wondering if you had any experience with trying something in that direction? You know, to see if you were able to get to some of the visualization-ability from the dream state in a more controlled manner while awake. And I apologize if this is too forward, I don't want to minimize or trivialize your condition by offering some form of 'quick fix' idea. I just had the thought - and wanted to share it, in case it could have some value to you (or others).
Btw, I have just found your channel, and I appreciate your videos.
I can speak to your question a little bit from my own experience of having visualization ability in my dreams sometimes not all the time so I have vivid dreams which include that visualization and I remembered them those are the dreams that when I wake up I’m like oh wow I remember all of that and then I have dreams where there’s not visual there’s just that knowing what’s happening and it’s really difficult to recall them I just kind of have a concept of what the dream was about buts it’s so fuzzy in all aspects.
I did a program for Nuro plasticity that was based in creating visual memories as part of the protocol and at the time I didn’t realize that I couldn’t do that that I wasn’t doing what everyone else was doing and well it wasn’t working for me I didn’t at the time now why now I know why.
So then I went to someone to try to help get into that meditative state and explore some of what you’re suggesting and it just didn’t work. I do remember that therapist getting very frustrated because they had not really experienced someone who couldn’t go there and I kept being blamed then for not allowing it to happen and I was like if there’s a block it’s not conscious. Sorry.
I can tell you that I have a very strong aversion to visuals that are disturbing I can’t entertain them it just messes and Jack’s with my autonomic nervous system for a very long time. So I don’t watch if I don’t have too. So I don’t know maybe I found a way to block my visual just like some people can dissociate through a form of self hypnosis maybe there’s a way to stop that neural pathway for visual experiences who knows. We don’t yet.
The vivid dreams so when they come sometimes those dreams at some point down the road play out and that’s a little disconcerting.
Thank you for another great video. When you think of somewhere like the mansion you talk about, do you remember the spacial layout? For places visited in the past I remember the building/location layout, in a sort of wire-frame way. I don’t know if this is because I’ve got strong visio-spacial skills or if they developed strongly to compensate.
I can't see the mansion due to aphantasia, but I can sort of describe it room by room as I walk through the house. I'd probably get a lot wrong because it's been so long and I only spent a few weekends here and there throughout my childhood. I can do the same for old houses I've lived in. No visuals in my mind, but can describe some details of the layout. Pretty interesting!