I can't just let them. I hope over the years I sophisticated my arsenal of ways to tell them digestable bits of the truth, until they get it. However once it was established the other doesn't care about truth, then I make sure they understand one thing before I withdraw from attempts: That it was their choice to ignore it and to listen to the pleasant thought in stead.
A healthy outlet for gift works wonders. Ir you can help people who want and appreciate your help it‘s much easier to not help people who don‘t want or don’t appreciate your help.
@@thatpersonalityguy Yep. I try to find solutions and any solution that I try makes it worse. Like throwing gasoline in the fire for thinking that liquid will extinguish the fire - and make it worse in the firefighting process.
I learned two things when I graduated from high school (more than 20 yrs ago). 1) I had someone close to me tell me that I'm always looking for drama. I was offended and said, "No, it's always looking for me!" It was then that I realized that I was getting myself mixed up in other people's drama constantly. So I made a point to ask myself if it's drama that I should involve myself in. 95% of the time it wasn't any of my business. That lessened the drama in my life considerably. 2) You can only help those who truly want and are ready to be helped. If they keep making the same mistakes, decisions and don't want to change their actions then it's clear that they're not ready to move on. The least I'll do is be empathetic in the moment but I won't take anything on. I'll always try to see how it lands and if it's clear that they don't want my help (often because they don't like that I'm right) then I let them be and don't waste my breath. It's like that saying, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink."
@@JacksonScully Thank you for shining the light on that! I've never thought about it like that. Think of a trigger as a litmus test, how they sort themselves. Yes! Thank you!
All of this is dependent on what kind of help we’re talking about. I had a roommate (before I was married) who made terrible, and I mean awful, choices in the romance department. Constantly. Daily drama. One night stands followed by 3 weeks of “why didn’t he call me” nonsense. I eventually told her what I needed to tell her, that I wanted her to value herself more, and then moved on. She never changed and I haven’t spoken to her in years (hard feelings or anything, I just didn’t want to be around all that). So that’s one scenario in which I’ll say “you do you, boo”. However….if my friend is clearly withdrawn, depressed, and starts making comments like “hey, if anything ever happens to me, would you want my epic comic book collection?”, then I don’t give a rats ass if he “wants” my help or not, I’m not staying out of that one. Same thing when it’s a kid involved, or if someone is in a dire situation. Most of tbt time, involving yourself in the problems of others is exhausting and paternalistic, so it’s best to refrain. There are times, however, when involving yourself, whether you’ve been asked to or not, whether they’ll love you for it or hate you for it, is the only right answer.
Gave my opinion about my boundaries with long time drama ridden friend. Funny, she didn't like it. She obviously only wanted me to be that soothing blanket. I've stepped back and won't do it anymore.
In regards to helping people I like the comparison to a butterfly in a cocoon, you can’t help them out of the cocoon because if they don’t pull through on their own their wings won’t form correctly. I’m very picky about people I help now.
Thank you so much for this. I'm living my truth but I'm struggling to be happy about it. Sometimes I feel guilty but everything U said make sense a lot of things I didn't know or consider. Now I feel better about moving forward. ❤
I have enjoyed your videos for a while. This one struck me. First any “savior” complex is not good. In my belief Jesus saves, professionals can help, but to have a relationship where one is to “save” the other is not a recipe for good. I personally would rather be alone and find people with similar mindsets, morals and mutual respect. It is not a win-win to be in a combative relationship ever. I don’t know what you have heard. Ostracize me all you want, if you can’t treat someone decent don’t want to be around you period. I have asked them to leave many times. I don’t enjoy seeing people suffer, that does not mean I should suffer too, forget that! Live and let live. I have expressed my displeasure with treatment many times. At a certain point if they don’t get it, they don’t want to. Your version of the truth is a little off the mark. Victor tells the story.
I truly believe Jesus is a Sigma INFJ. As a Christian and an INFJ, Ive always struggled with everything she spoke about. I wanted to be everyone’s savior. I wanted to give them all my love and THOUGHT accepting them for who they are and not judging them is what Love is…but it’s not. It’s enabling. And I’ll tell you, Jesus DID NOT enable people’s bad choices and sins. He TOLD them to change. He ADMONISHED them. When others did not want to hear me, I dusted my feet and moved on because I DO feel responsible for those in my circle. And the best way to Love them is to help them reach their BEST self and that takes hard loving truths. And now, the less I focus on others, the more I can focus on being MY best version. And that version is going to inspire those closest to me to be their BEST!
I used to not exactly tell how I feel about certain situations, but then again I started asserting more of my opinion, its actually pretty harmful to sometimes just say what you think, so of course I think we need to learn to communicate better. And sometimes things just can't be solved by communication either. No wonder door slamming is the only way out. In these situations I think the best for you to ask yourselr is what about YOU. And just simply shrug and remove yourself from the situation as much as possible... wow I think this video helped me realise that this whole explained process has been continuously repeated in most of my connections. Wow. Just wow.
I want to help a certain loved one but I'm getting a lot of pushback from my spouse who wants me to "just let them." In my view, it should be my choice if I want to expend the effort and energy to help the loved one who does need and want help getting through a problem which she admits is her own fault for creating. I know I may be wasting my time, but it is my decision, and I don't want my spouse pressuring me to back away.
@@ryank6322 Thank you for the good advice. I’m planning on supporting through truth-telling and not the actual work. And like Wenzes warned, I’m willing to bear the consequence if my loved one backs away from our relationship. Standing by doing nothing is unbearably hard so I’m willing to take the risk.
That sounds similar to a situation I had years ago. Looking back, I wasn't helping at all. I started to learn people will come around when they are ready to work on their own heavy load. Sometimes, it is best to stay silent and see how a situation will play out.
You're a grown person, do you. You are equipped on how investing in this situation may affect you positive or negative. Either way, you will learn more about yourself.
Just like you I have an INFP friend as well. But I think we have a healthy relationship because of our relative distance. I’m from the US and he’s from Germany. We both confide with each other whenever we have problems and most of the time we would just listen and be supportive of each other. Seems like he is one of the few people who understands me and thats why I’m grateful for him.
This is what is happening to me now. It is not easy but am beginning to feel that it is worth it. Am feeling great, I feel free and I can feel that I am happier now. Thank you Wenzes … your videos help me tremendously! Thank you so much!
Had to call the Police yesterday on my insane nephew who showed up at my house just to yell @ me for things he knows nothing about, trying to tell me how to run my life without ever being here, making threats. It's amazing how damaging bad gossip / lies can damage ppl's perspectives and make them act crazy. Getting a restraining order on him. Yes, I am usually well armed. The worst crimes are often committed by people who think they need to "help" others.
Sounds like he could use an ass-kicking more than jail or a restraining order. I’m not sure how old he is or what kind of “threats” he was making, but showing up and telling you what to do doesn’t strike me as grounds for a restraining order. If he had you at knife point or something, that’s different, but sounds like he just needs to get checked by someone who is willing to check him.
I enjoyed this video alot it reminded me on what I had thought to myself like a couple of days ago we INFJs subconsciously be other people around us but we end up showing our true selves on who we are internally I've been in situations where I know something was wrong with somebody or how they felt about me and I wanted them to look themselves in the mirror and have them see what I see about them and how they felt about me and 9/10 they didn't wanted to face reality they didn't wanted to face their truth and its funny how people think we're being fake all in reality it's them being fake and to themselves as well
Currently I find myself a bit further on the rode of expressing my trueself and you are right Wenzes, this feeling is simply wonderful. Yes, few people got further form me, but I am gaining so many new, much deeper, fresh and gratifying connections that I am constantly amazed with this new experience of my life. Thank you so much Wenzes.
I agree with this about 75%.... the other 25% is me wondering what is our responsibility and what is theirs? It kinda sounds like we are being told to help a person every step of the way with the "teach them how to fish" line and other things stated... just sounds like it's insinuated that we ARE in fact responsible for their growth because we are able to see their insecutities... which sounds exhausting...
It was supposed to be the Jnana Mudra which is the mudra of knowledge and this mudra is used especially to invoke wisdom, peace and clear communication. I've always just seen it as a universal sign of peace and serenity. No hidden agenda.
@@Wenzes it's only "peace" among a minority that excludes most of us. It makes sense--your family members are wealthy bankers and you've placed yourself in a position of leadership like so many are in preparation for the takeover. Very disappointing, Minion. Enjoy your fantasy while you can.
A cashier at the supermarket complaint about how stressed she was and that she had time for nothing except working and taking care of her husband and brother. I suggested to her to listen yoga Nidra meditation when she goes to bed. Days later I started to feel nasty vibes from her and her co-workers. I have not said a word to any of them except for hi, thanks and sorry for your loss to her because her brother died. I don't understand what was the problem about suggesting something that might help her but I won't try any more.
I remember a discussion with someone. She was crying and asked why things in her life are so miserable. I told them the truth about how she is letting herself go, centers her happiness around others, makes herself vulnerable in ways and will keep attract people who will take advantage of her. I was speaking the truth, no sugar coating, with the best intentions to break her pattern.I also ensured that she is not alone, I am here. She pretty much HATED me for it and said she just wants people who can lie to her "kindly". This was the moment I realized, that not everyone can be "saved", not everyone is open for the truth, not everyone has strenght, and some people WANT the facade. I don't talk to her anymore.
To me "Let Them" means we respect their autonomy and ability to make their own choices, those choices are theirs to make regardless of our opinion and ... we are not always right. Our choices may be right for us while not being right for them. Our point of view might simply be factually incorrect or the truth may lie in the grey area in-between. "Let Them" I think, involves nuance and humility though it may not appear that way on the surface. When speaking "your truth" gets conflated with sharing your opinion and you feel disingenuous I think the resolution lies in humility. For example: I think my co-worker's ass looks huge in those pants and I think she made a mistake when choosing to put them on. That is my opinion. If she asks me "Does my ass look fat in these pants?" I have choices. She asked for my opinion and I can choose how to share it, if at all. Yes, your ass looks HUGE. It's the "brutally honest" option. I will have unburdened my conscience by being congruous with my feelings but I will be passing my shame to her and she then will have to deal with that shame. She might feel badly about her choice and her body. She might recognize the shame for what it is, feel embarrassed, hurt, sad and/or angry.This is the easiest answer for me and she has to do the work to keep the relationship going. I might say: I don't think those pants look good on you, that wouldn't be my choice or I think you look better in X pants etcetera. I can be honest while being respectful. I can feel authentic because I am in alignment with my feelings while also employing humility by acknowledging that this is my opinion rather than fact. If I say "You look great." and I feel disingenuous, I do the work of struggling with my own shameful feelings without burdening her with them. If I truly respect her and remain humble I can recognize that this shame is my feeling and mine alone. I don't have to pass it along. I can chose to do the work of determining where it came from and she doesn't have to. I might even remember that feelings are not facts... something that we, as INFJ, might tend to forget in our Judgement. I hope that "practice humility" is the point of "Let Them." though I could be wrong. Perhaps the more foreign or ironic that seems, the more important it is to put our own ego aside.
Wow, Wenzes! Just wow You are speaking to my subconscious, my soul, my essence and my core Incredible. Thank you so much ❤❤❤🙏 It seems RADICAL honesty is what it comes down to, eh? To the self, to others...
This reminds me of what I've read of Buddha's teachings, some spend too much time together, then, when they realize too much about each other, they end up in desolation because they neglected themselves...
I just sent an extra help to someone who asked me to do their astrology and then mostly had to be kept focused on the answers. It was disrespectful and the person is AHD and teaches or coaches (or wants to coach) about ADHD for people with that problem. I changed my whole helpful routine, and turned around and told them all the ADHD signs in the horoscope and the disrespectful traits that exist there and reinforce the bad behavior. I'm not a biggest supporter of psychology, though I'm finding Myers-Briggs is better than the usual. I prefer astrology basically and made my own astronomy-based system that I find super reliablel. He tried to tear me down and tell me it's not aligned with the reality. He got the whole story. But from beginning to end he didn't deserve it. Maybe I should have put my foot down at the beginning and not try to help someone disrespectful like that. Too casual, as if he deserved for me to prove myself to him for free. His sidekick was trying to super high gear make me prove myself and I just told him to listen and disagree if he found something to doubt. But he couldn't f*^g listen.
This is so me! When I decide a person is bad, then I absolutely want nothing to do with them and them in my space or concerned about anything related to me would feel harassing and I view them as an irritating nuisance in my mind. I don’t care about them. However, for everyone else I want to help them, especially in making them feel happy and good about themselves. It comes from a good place and can uplift them but does make you feel depleted. However, I noticed that it is enabling when people need you and come to you with everything. And we are dimming our light and focusing more on them. It never actually occurred to me how unhealthy it is. As pointed out, we need to focus more on what is best for us and others need to learn to do that as well.
Wenzes, this is one of the best treatments I've read and/or heard about doing good, honest self-examination. It's done in a way that makes us face up to some of our errors, but it's affirming. I appreciate your honesty when you showed us how you had made these errors as well, and you learned from them and improved relationships. It shows us that we can do it, too. I've mentioned in earlier posts that I had to learn a lot of this before the Internet, social media and groups like this. And it wasn't always easy. Listening to this, though, showed that my mind was working in the right direction. So I can confirm everything you say here. This one is worthy of a LOT of review.
This is definitely something I’ve wrestled with for years. It took me a long time to identify the unhealthy dynamic. I think this is a really important topic, and for that reason want to get clarification on some areas that are tripping me up in the past couple of videos I’ve watched, which is the idea of INFJ’s allowing themselves to be cold or harsh. I’ve definitely been harsh (judgmental, critical) of others, and I understand allowing ourselves to mess up, and forgive ourselves. Based on those experiences, I don’t think I would go so far as to say that it’s healthy for us to truly be harsh or cold towards others as a habit. I think that has the potential to undermine our sense of self-confidence, integrity, and others’ trust in us. I think for me, what would be helpful is further clarification of what is meant specifically by: - ‘Harsh’ - ‘Cold’ - ‘Kind’ - ‘Grace’ - ‘Being yourself’ I was taught that it’s possible to speak truth with gentleness, kindness, and humility and to set healthy boundaries by using ‘I’ statements, avoiding ‘you’ statements, communicating what you will and will not do and acting accordingly. By doing these we avoid making assumptions about others, speak our truth, provide space for them to speak their truth, and give ourselves the option of walking away from unhealthy situations. But I think sometimes what INFJ’s consider as harsh (ie assertiveness, firmness) is not actually being harsh, but setting a healthy, kind boundary, that others might perceive as harsh, but it’s actually the best thing we can do for ourselves in that moment. I think that’s what this video is getting at as a whole. I think where I’m experiencing confusion is where, in the videos, the message I receive is that we either trigger or enable people. I think for me, it’s a bit too black and white. I think we can still be kind, clear, and gracious in how we respond to people and that yes, they may be triggered even when we act in those ways. But if we are harsh or cold (in the sense of judgmental or critical), I don’t think people are being triggered because of their own insecurities necessarily but because they actually do know their value and worth and they are feeling mistreated. Does that make sense? I feel like I’m going in circles here. 🤪
I believe it’s more about where it’s coming from, and what your intentions are (determining this requires a radical honesty with yourself, and the ability to identify your true motivations). “Harsh” is typically an extreme version. Like I could tell you that you smell a little sweaty bc I don’t want you to be embarrassed when you’re sitting in the meeting you’re about to attend. OR I can tell you that you smell like someone set a dumpster on fire just bc I wanted to feel superior about something, and for whatever reason knocking you down a peg felt good. The core of both statements may be true (that a shower is in order, LOL), but you can be honest without being blunt. Sometimes “blunt” is called for, such as when a person crosses a line and you’ve warned them not to do it again, and then they do it anyway. Blunt or harsh is called for then. But if you’re honestly coming from a place of love and trying to help someone, then any NECESSARY criticism (necessary being the key word) is usually perceived as well-intentioned, even if that person initially gets defensive. Ppl, unfortunately, overuse words these days, like “harsh”, and so many ppl (the younger ones especially) don’t do well with criticism (real or perceived) bc they’ve been told they’re “perfect just the way they are” their whole lives, so how they define “harsh” is probably a bit different than mine, but I would say that being unnecessarily cruel (harsh) is a sign you’re not regulating your own emotions, and it’s not a positive thing. It’s a signal that you need to step back before offering further criticism bc, if you’re being “harsh”, then you’re not helping anyone from a place of love, you’re using your compassion to bludgeon someone, and you have to be willing to see when this happens in yourself. It’s challenging, but it’s a helpful skill to develop.
What if I have a low self-esteem and I believe that actually setting expectations will make me dependent on the other person? Or I am afraid I will suffer from continous inferiority
Part of this bothers me because as an INFJ I can tell when an emotion is authentic and when I help people its genuine. I'm not looking to get anything back. In fact I reject the whole idea that helping people is selfish. Really helping someone out is unselfish for INFJs. We put other people first for them, not for us. By this same logic putting others first is selfish. Again INFJs are not selfish. They can put themselves first, but that isn't being selfish. It's called acting right.
It is genuine, coming from a good place and selfless and obviously only help people who show you that they want your help. I think the point is it’s an unhealthy dynamic as you are constantly being drawn into heavy stuff where you are always giving without getting much back which causes you to push down aspects of yourself and neglect yourself in the process. I think it speaks to making sure you completely good first which will allow you to do better in helping others.
you cut the cord and walk and live a peaceful life. simple. now if they keep boomeranging back with greater and greater force seeking your annihilation.... well I suppose they win. Ya can't beat malignant insanity
As INFJs, we often use only 50% of FE, we feel for others. We need to find our own feelings too and externalise them, otherwise we are being fake or wearing a mask and that's good for no one. If people leave, then they were going to leave anyway.
It was supposed to be the Jnana Mudra is the mudra of knowledge and this mudra is used especially to invoke wisdom, peace and clear communication. If always just seen it as a universal sign of peace and cerenity. No hidden agenda.
lol so glad you mentioned infp they say they are extremely compatible with us but I know like 5 of them and they all have extremely self sabotaging behavior , I cannot allow them to get too close because they are all extremely co dependent , I’m sure not all of them are like that but omg they are a trip!
How difficult is it for you as an INFJ to keep letting your loved ones continue self-sabotaging behavior?
❤ My negative minded brother I have to take in doses he's so toxic. He's disabled and miserable. It takes days to recover after a couple hours visit.
I can't just let them. I hope over the years I sophisticated my arsenal of ways to tell them digestable bits of the truth, until they get it.
However once it was established the other doesn't care about truth, then I make sure they understand one thing before I withdraw from attempts: That it was their choice to ignore it and to listen to the pleasant thought in stead.
A healthy outlet for gift works wonders. Ir you can help people who want and appreciate your help it‘s much easier to not help people who don‘t want or don’t appreciate your help.
I feel bad for letting them self-sabotage and I feel bad for telling them what I see as self-sabotage.
Wenzes, what is the sign you are doing in the thumbnail photo for this upload? Have you done that sign purposefully?
So true, I used to do this before, not anymore. I am so done with helping others, I only help myself now because I need my help the most.
I have been trying to change a thought about myself for 30 years without success. so changing someone else would be ridiculous.
Dont waste your time or energy trying to help people who refuse to help themselves!
For me it is automatic. Default behavior and thinking style.
I need purposely stop - otherwise I won't notice what I am doing is fixing others.
@@ranc1977 sounds like you're overusing your fe parent function
@@thatpersonalityguy Yep. I try to find solutions and any solution that I try makes it worse. Like throwing gasoline in the fire for thinking that liquid will extinguish the fire - and make it worse in the firefighting process.
At least let them know they can do better imagine just bowing down and accepting whatever shit gets put into your ears
The first time I heard the Let Them Theory, I was like "Well that explains my life as an INFJ" 🤷♀️ I'm learning Let Them + Boundaries
Come on people give her more Likes!!!
Over 2000 views needs more likes. It's hard work making videos every week!
Let this channel reach more people. ❤
Totally! To make videos this often at a quality I can only aspire to is unreal. Definitely needs more likes.
I always like her videos before watching so I don’t forget. I already know I will like and appreciate it.
I learned two things when I graduated from high school (more than 20 yrs ago).
1) I had someone close to me tell me that I'm always looking for drama. I was offended and said, "No, it's always looking for me!" It was then that I realized that I was getting myself mixed up in other people's drama constantly. So I made a point to ask myself if it's drama that I should involve myself in. 95% of the time it wasn't any of my business. That lessened the drama in my life considerably.
2) You can only help those who truly want and are ready to be helped. If they keep making the same mistakes, decisions and don't want to change their actions then it's clear that they're not ready to move on. The least I'll do is be empathetic in the moment but I won't take anything on. I'll always try to see how it lands and if it's clear that they don't want my help (often because they don't like that I'm right) then I let them be and don't waste my breath. It's like that saying, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink."
Graduated 23 years ago, and I also learned this lesson. Or rather it was re-confirmed. Here's to us thriving friend. 🩷
100%
This is the ultimate rock and the hard place. You're either enabling or triggering. You can't win. 😥
Nah let them get triggered, how they deal with that trigger will let you know if their worth your time.
@@JacksonScully Thank you for shining the light on that! I've never thought about it like that. Think of a trigger as a litmus test, how they sort themselves. Yes! Thank you!
@@Luckybetta You're welcome. I'm so glad you find it helpful :)
All of this is dependent on what kind of help we’re talking about. I had a roommate (before I was married) who made terrible, and I mean awful, choices in the romance department. Constantly. Daily drama. One night stands followed by 3 weeks of “why didn’t he call me” nonsense. I eventually told her what I needed to tell her, that I wanted her to value herself more, and then moved on. She never changed and I haven’t spoken to her in years (hard feelings or anything, I just didn’t want to be around all that). So that’s one scenario in which I’ll say “you do you, boo”.
However….if my friend is clearly withdrawn, depressed, and starts making comments like “hey, if anything ever happens to me, would you want my epic comic book collection?”, then I don’t give a rats ass if he “wants” my help or not, I’m not staying out of that one. Same thing when it’s a kid involved, or if someone is in a dire situation. Most of tbt time, involving yourself in the problems of others is exhausting and paternalistic, so it’s best to refrain. There are times, however, when involving yourself, whether you’ve been asked to or not, whether they’ll love you for it or hate you for it, is the only right answer.
Gave my opinion about my boundaries with long time drama ridden friend. Funny, she didn't like it. She obviously only wanted me to be that soothing blanket. I've stepped back and won't do it anymore.
In regards to helping people I like the comparison to a butterfly in a cocoon, you can’t help them out of the cocoon because if they don’t pull through on their own their wings won’t form correctly. I’m very picky about people I help now.
Thank you so much for this.
I'm living my truth but I'm struggling to be happy about it. Sometimes I feel guilty but everything U said make sense a lot of things I didn't know or consider.
Now I feel better about moving forward. ❤
I have enjoyed your videos for a while. This one struck me. First any “savior” complex is not good. In my belief Jesus saves, professionals can help, but to have a relationship where one is to “save” the other is not a recipe for good. I personally would rather be alone and find people with similar mindsets, morals and mutual respect. It is not a win-win to be in a combative relationship ever. I don’t know what you have heard. Ostracize me all you want, if you can’t treat someone decent don’t want to be around you period. I have asked them to leave many times. I don’t enjoy seeing people suffer, that does not mean I should suffer too, forget that!
Live and let live. I have expressed my displeasure with treatment many times. At a certain point if they don’t get it, they don’t want to. Your version of the truth is a little off the mark. Victor tells the story.
I truly believe Jesus is a Sigma INFJ.
As a Christian and an INFJ, Ive always struggled with everything she spoke about. I wanted to be everyone’s savior. I wanted to give them all my love and THOUGHT accepting them for who they are and not judging them is what Love is…but it’s not. It’s enabling. And I’ll tell you, Jesus DID NOT enable people’s bad choices and sins. He TOLD them to change. He ADMONISHED them.
When others did not want to hear me, I dusted my feet and moved on because I DO feel responsible for those in my circle. And the best way to Love them is to help them reach their BEST self and that takes hard loving truths. And now, the less I focus on others, the more I can focus on being MY best version. And that version is going to inspire those closest to me to be their BEST!
Disse tudo!👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Spot on. I didnt realize. Thank you!
I used to not exactly tell how I feel about certain situations, but then again I started asserting more of my opinion, its actually pretty harmful to sometimes just say what you think, so of course I think we need to learn to communicate better. And sometimes things just can't be solved by communication either. No wonder door slamming is the only way out. In these situations I think the best for you to ask yourselr is what about YOU. And just simply shrug and remove yourself from the situation as much as possible... wow I think this video helped me realise that this whole explained process has been continuously repeated in most of my connections. Wow. Just wow.
you are right! It can be harmful. Knowing when to speak and when not to speak
I want to help a certain loved one but I'm getting a lot of pushback from my spouse who wants me to "just let them." In my view, it should be my choice if I want to expend the effort and energy to help the loved one who does need and want help getting through a problem which she admits is her own fault for creating. I know I may be wasting my time, but it is my decision, and I don't want my spouse pressuring me to back away.
Just be careful that you are not enabling bad behavior.
@@ryank6322 Thank you for the good advice. I’m planning on supporting through truth-telling and not the actual work. And like Wenzes warned, I’m willing to bear the consequence if my loved one backs away from our relationship.
Standing by doing nothing is unbearably hard so I’m willing to take the risk.
That sounds similar to a situation I had years ago. Looking back, I wasn't helping at all. I started to learn people will come around when they are ready to work on their own heavy load. Sometimes, it is best to stay silent and see how a situation will play out.
You're a grown person, do you. You are equipped on how investing in this situation may affect you positive or negative. Either way, you will learn more about yourself.
Try to clear the blast radius but these bums always need an infj. Uuurgh, just leave me alone.
Just like you I have an INFP friend as well. But I think we have a healthy relationship because of our relative distance. I’m from the US and he’s from Germany. We both confide with each other whenever we have problems and most of the time we would just listen and be supportive of each other. Seems like he is one of the few people who understands me and thats why I’m grateful for him.
I have a close INFP and I too am so grateful for him
This is what is happening to me now.
It is not easy but am beginning to feel that it is worth it. Am feeling great, I feel free and I can feel that I am happier now.
Thank you Wenzes … your videos help me tremendously! Thank you so much!
Jees Wenzes! What's with that hand sign in your thumbnail? Threw me off kinda.😳
Had to call the Police yesterday on my insane nephew who showed up at my house just to yell @ me for things he knows nothing about, trying to tell me how to run my life without ever being here, making threats. It's amazing how damaging bad gossip / lies can damage ppl's perspectives and make them act crazy. Getting a restraining order on him. Yes, I am usually well armed. The worst crimes are often committed by people who think they need to "help" others.
I person who believes hear say and doesn't possess critical thinking are very dangerous individuals.
Being blamed for things you didn’t do has to be the absolute worst thing ever.
very good point, they are called flying monkeys. The world is in a mess, not because there are narcissists but because there are flying monkeys
Yep flying monkeys are worse than the narc itself - They are like religiosity zealots - I'm getting a pew pew really soon - self protect at all costs
Sounds like he could use an ass-kicking more than jail or a restraining order. I’m not sure how old he is or what kind of “threats” he was making, but showing up and telling you what to do doesn’t strike me as grounds for a restraining order. If he had you at knife point or something, that’s different, but sounds like he just needs to get checked by someone who is willing to check him.
Thanks!
I enjoyed this video alot it reminded me on what I had thought to myself like a couple of days ago we INFJs subconsciously be other people around us but we end up showing our true selves on who we are internally I've been in situations where I know something was wrong with somebody or how they felt about me and I wanted them to look themselves in the mirror and have them see what I see about them and how they felt about me and 9/10 they didn't wanted to face reality they didn't wanted to face their truth and its funny how people think we're being fake all in reality it's them being fake and to themselves as well
I wish I could say what I think ! 14:38
Currently I find myself a bit further on the rode of expressing my trueself and you are right Wenzes, this feeling is simply wonderful. Yes, few people got further form me, but I am gaining so many new, much deeper, fresh and gratifying connections that I am constantly amazed with this new experience of my life. Thank you so much Wenzes.
Thank you Wenzes! ❤
I am really thankful to have watched your video🙏🏼
I agree with this about 75%.... the other 25% is me wondering what is our responsibility and what is theirs? It kinda sounds like we are being told to help a person every step of the way with the "teach them how to fish" line and other things stated... just sounds like it's insinuated that we ARE in fact responsible for their growth because we are able to see their insecutities... which sounds exhausting...
😮 Wenzes you're in the cabal??!!!
What makes you think that?
It was supposed to be the Jnana Mudra which is the mudra of knowledge and this mudra is used especially to invoke wisdom, peace and clear communication.
I've always just seen it as a universal sign of peace and serenity. No hidden agenda.
@@Wenzes it's only "peace" among a minority that excludes most of us. It makes sense--your family members are wealthy bankers and you've placed yourself in a position of leadership like so many are in preparation for the takeover. Very disappointing, Minion. Enjoy your fantasy while you can.
@@muma6559 watch her hand signals
At 11:59 you say this is where it really gets interesting. Had me way before that. Incredible "discussion".
Yes, agree.
I am currently doing this, trying to show myself more. Is new. Hah!
I would report rude cashier at shop's complaints web site.
A cashier at the supermarket complaint about how stressed she was and that she had time for nothing except working and taking care of her husband and brother. I suggested to her to listen yoga Nidra meditation when she goes to bed.
Days later I started to feel nasty vibes from her and her co-workers. I have not said a word to any of them except for hi, thanks and sorry for your loss to her because her brother died. I don't understand what was the problem about suggesting something that might help her but I won't try any more.
Thanks!
Thank you ❤
I remember a discussion with someone. She was crying and asked why things in her life are so miserable. I told them the truth about how she is letting herself go, centers her happiness around others, makes herself vulnerable in ways and will keep attract people who will take advantage of her. I was speaking the truth, no sugar coating, with the best intentions to break her pattern.I also ensured that she is not alone, I am here. She pretty much HATED me for it and said she just wants people who can lie to her "kindly". This was the moment I realized, that not everyone can be "saved", not everyone is open for the truth, not everyone has strenght, and some people WANT the facade. I don't talk to her anymore.
To me "Let Them" means we respect their autonomy and ability to make their own choices, those choices are theirs to make regardless of our opinion and ... we are not always right. Our choices may be right for us while not being right for them. Our point of view might simply be factually incorrect or the truth may lie in the grey area in-between. "Let Them" I think, involves nuance and humility though it may not appear that way on the surface.
When speaking "your truth" gets conflated with sharing your opinion and you feel disingenuous I think the resolution lies in humility. For example: I think my co-worker's ass looks huge in those pants and I think she made a mistake when choosing to put them on. That is my opinion. If she asks me "Does my ass look fat in these pants?" I have choices. She asked for my opinion and I can choose how to share it, if at all.
Yes, your ass looks HUGE. It's the "brutally honest" option. I will have unburdened my conscience by being congruous with my feelings but I will be passing my shame to her and she then will have to deal with that shame. She might feel badly about her choice and her body. She might recognize the shame for what it is, feel embarrassed, hurt, sad and/or angry.This is the easiest answer for me and she has to do the work to keep the relationship going.
I might say: I don't think those pants look good on you, that wouldn't be my choice or I think you look better in X pants etcetera. I can be honest while being respectful. I can feel authentic because I am in alignment with my feelings while also employing humility by acknowledging that this is my opinion rather than fact.
If I say "You look great." and I feel disingenuous, I do the work of struggling with my own shameful feelings without burdening her with them. If I truly respect her and remain humble I can recognize that this shame is my feeling and mine alone. I don't have to pass it along. I can chose to do the work of determining where it came from and she doesn't have to. I might even remember that feelings are not facts... something that we, as INFJ, might tend to forget in our Judgement.
I hope that "practice humility" is the point of "Let Them." though I could be wrong. Perhaps the more foreign or ironic that seems, the more important it is to put our own ego aside.
Wow, Wenzes! Just wow
You are speaking to my subconscious, my soul, my essence and my core
Incredible. Thank you so much ❤❤❤🙏
It seems RADICAL honesty is what it comes down to, eh?
To the self, to others...
This reminds me of what I've read of Buddha's teachings, some spend too much time together, then, when they realize too much about each other, they end up in desolation because they neglected themselves...
🔥🔥🔥
I just sent an extra help to someone who asked me to do their astrology and then mostly had to be kept focused on the answers. It was disrespectful and the person is AHD and teaches or coaches (or wants to coach) about ADHD for people with that problem. I changed my whole helpful routine, and turned around and told them all the ADHD signs in the horoscope and the disrespectful traits that exist there and reinforce the bad behavior. I'm not a biggest supporter of psychology, though I'm finding Myers-Briggs is better than the usual. I prefer astrology basically and made my own astronomy-based system that I find super reliablel. He tried to tear me down and tell me it's not aligned with the reality. He got the whole story. But from beginning to end he didn't deserve it. Maybe I should have put my foot down at the beginning and not try to help someone disrespectful like that. Too casual, as if he deserved for me to prove myself to him for free. His sidekick was trying to super high gear make me prove myself and I just told him to listen and disagree if he found something to doubt. But he couldn't f*^g listen.
You are brilliant!
This is so me! When I decide a person is bad, then I absolutely want nothing to do with them and them in my space or concerned about anything related to me would feel harassing and I view them as an irritating nuisance in my mind. I don’t care about them. However, for everyone else I want to help them, especially in making them feel happy and good about themselves. It comes from a good place and can uplift them but does make you feel depleted. However, I noticed that it is enabling when people need you and come to you with everything. And we are dimming our light and focusing more on them. It never actually occurred to me how unhealthy it is. As pointed out, we need to focus more on what is best for us and others need to learn to do that as well.
Wenzes, this is one of the best treatments I've read and/or heard about doing good, honest self-examination. It's done in a way that makes us face up to some of our errors, but it's affirming. I appreciate your honesty when you showed us how you had made these errors as well, and you learned from them and improved relationships. It shows us that we can do it, too.
I've mentioned in earlier posts that I had to learn a lot of this before the Internet, social media and groups like this. And it wasn't always easy. Listening to this, though, showed that my mind was working in the right direction. So I can confirm everything you say here.
This one is worthy of a LOT of review.
As resident manager of an independent living facility I would meet people who needed far more care then I could provide.
👌👏👍 excellent
Thank you❤❤🎉
This is a new version of Barnum statements. No better than horoscopes or tarot.
This is definitely something I’ve wrestled with for years. It took me a long time to identify the unhealthy dynamic.
I think this is a really important topic, and for that reason want to get clarification on some areas that are tripping me up in the past couple of videos I’ve watched, which is the idea of INFJ’s allowing themselves to be cold or harsh.
I’ve definitely been harsh (judgmental, critical) of others, and I understand allowing ourselves to mess up, and forgive ourselves. Based on those experiences, I don’t think I would go so far as to say that it’s healthy for us to truly be harsh or cold towards others as a habit. I think that has the potential to undermine our sense of self-confidence, integrity, and others’ trust in us.
I think for me, what would be helpful is further clarification of what is meant specifically by:
- ‘Harsh’
- ‘Cold’
- ‘Kind’
- ‘Grace’
- ‘Being yourself’
I was taught that it’s possible to speak truth with gentleness, kindness, and humility and to set healthy boundaries by using ‘I’ statements, avoiding ‘you’ statements, communicating what you will and will not do and acting accordingly. By doing these we avoid making assumptions about others, speak our truth, provide space for them to speak their truth, and give ourselves the option of walking away from unhealthy situations.
But I think sometimes what INFJ’s consider as harsh (ie assertiveness, firmness) is not actually being harsh, but setting a healthy, kind boundary, that others might perceive as harsh, but it’s actually the best thing we can do for ourselves in that moment.
I think that’s what this video is getting at as a whole. I think where I’m experiencing confusion is where, in the videos, the message I receive is that we either trigger or enable people. I think for me, it’s a bit too black and white. I think we can still be kind, clear, and gracious in how we respond to people and that yes, they may be triggered even when we act in those ways. But if we are harsh or cold (in the sense of judgmental or critical), I don’t think people are being triggered because of their own insecurities necessarily but because they actually do know their value and worth and they are feeling mistreated.
Does that make sense? I feel like I’m going in circles here. 🤪
I believe it’s more about where it’s coming from, and what your intentions are (determining this requires a radical honesty with yourself, and the ability to identify your true motivations). “Harsh” is typically an extreme version. Like I could tell you that you smell a little sweaty bc I don’t want you to be embarrassed when you’re sitting in the meeting you’re about to attend. OR I can tell you that you smell like someone set a dumpster on fire just bc I wanted to feel superior about something, and for whatever reason knocking you down a peg felt good. The core of both statements may be true (that a shower is in order, LOL), but you can be honest without being blunt. Sometimes “blunt” is called for, such as when a person crosses a line and you’ve warned them not to do it again, and then they do it anyway. Blunt or harsh is called for then. But if you’re honestly coming from a place of love and trying to help someone, then any NECESSARY criticism (necessary being the key word) is usually perceived as well-intentioned, even if that person initially gets defensive.
Ppl, unfortunately, overuse words these days, like “harsh”, and so many ppl (the younger ones especially) don’t do well with criticism (real or perceived) bc they’ve been told they’re “perfect just the way they are” their whole lives, so how they define “harsh” is probably a bit different than mine, but I would say that being unnecessarily cruel (harsh) is a sign you’re not regulating your own emotions, and it’s not a positive thing. It’s a signal that you need to step back before offering further criticism bc, if you’re being “harsh”, then you’re not helping anyone from a place of love, you’re using your compassion to bludgeon someone, and you have to be willing to see when this happens in yourself. It’s challenging, but it’s a helpful skill to develop.
@@liz9284 Well said!
What if I have a low self-esteem and I believe that actually setting expectations will make me dependent on the other person? Or I am afraid I will suffer from continous inferiority
Love your work Wenzes 😊❤
❤❤❤
Part of this bothers me because as an INFJ I can tell when an emotion is authentic and when I help people its genuine. I'm not looking to get anything back. In fact I reject the whole idea that helping people is selfish. Really helping someone out is unselfish for INFJs. We put other people first for them, not for us. By this same logic putting others first is selfish. Again INFJs are not selfish. They can put themselves first, but that isn't being selfish. It's called acting right.
It is genuine, coming from a good place and selfless and obviously only help people who show you that they want your help. I think the point is it’s an unhealthy dynamic as you are constantly being drawn into heavy stuff where you are always giving without getting much back which causes you to push down aspects of yourself and neglect yourself in the process. I think it speaks to making sure you completely good first which will allow you to do better in helping others.
This video is Life-Altering. Thank you. Seriously. Life-Altering. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Brilliant as usual!
you cut the cord and walk and live a peaceful life. simple.
now if they keep boomeranging back with greater and greater force
seeking your annihilation.... well I suppose they win. Ya can't beat malignant insanity
As INFJs, we often use only 50% of FE, we feel for others. We need to find our own feelings too and externalise them, otherwise we are being fake or wearing a mask and that's good for no one. If people leave, then they were going to leave anyway.
Please explain your cover photo.
It was supposed to be the Jnana Mudra is the mudra of knowledge and this mudra is used especially to invoke wisdom, peace and clear communication.
If always just seen it as a universal sign of peace and cerenity. No hidden agenda.
@@Wenzes Whew! Thank goodness! Mudras are great. American life has sullied some of the world's most beautiful gestures. Thank you for the explanation.
💚
This was such an interesting perspective, but I feel like I’m not able to grasp it properly. Hope you come back to it!
lol so glad you mentioned infp they say they are extremely compatible with us but I know like 5 of them and they all have extremely self sabotaging behavior , I cannot allow them to get too close because they are all extremely co dependent , I’m sure not all of them are like that but omg they are a trip!
Ha leido la Biblia? la invito hacerlo hallara respuesta a preguntas como ¿hay vida despues de la muerte? por que sufren los buenos? etc
Thanks for putting this in to words. You make it so clear.
Loved this , Thanks Wenzes
Please do not use abstract words Please give examples from everyday life so we can relate
You might not be an infj.
@@YouilAushana i am and it is not up for you to diagnose me :)
It wasn't a diagnosis, it was an observation.
@@YouilAushanaaccept others, they’re cognitive functions, not cookie cutter people.
I think the boot camp is where you'll get all you need
So Mel is everywhere
Too true😭
very very pertinent