I Lost My Dream | Adapting to Life with Mental Illness
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- Опубліковано 14 жов 2022
- What is life like after losing a big dream because of mental illness? That's what I talk about in this video. What exactly happened and what did I do next?
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Disclaimer: I am not a qualified mental health professional. This channel exists for educational purposes, and I do my best to provide accurate and up-to-date information. In order to create content, I combine scientific resources (peer reviewed studies and easy-to-understand articles) and my own personal experiences/advice. I seek to make complicated topics easy to understand, but I am no substitute for a doctor, therapist, or other qualified mental health professional.
#schizoaffectivedisorder #mentalhealth #psychoticdisorders
I don’t know if mental illness per say has taken dreams away from me yet, but rather has prevented me from having dreams at all. I think for me, my low-ish self-esteem has been the primary inhibitor in stopping me from dreaming, in persuading me to believe that I just simply don’t deserve to dream.
It’s painful, but I guess for now my “dream” is that one day I will feel brave enough to dream at all… that I will stop letting the mean thoughts in my mind berate me into living a passive and dreamless life.
Dreaming of dreaming is valid. You’re valid. And you DO deserve to dream, despite what those nasty thoughts say, and I’ve got a few of those myself and I just want to cuss them out when they show up, if only it worked that way…
But I wish you well in your journey and hope one day you do get to dream freely and without negativity. Hang in there, you got this. You never know what’s going to happen next, and it could be absolutely amazing!
@@SchizoKitzo Thank you for the kind words :) I really do hope that one day I might feel more excited for my future and the direction(s) my life may head in- I want to make the most of this often painful, yet precious, existence when and where I can…
I started as a busser and worked my way up to line cook for 3 restaurants before schizophrenia derailed me. My girlfriend and dog are still with me but we moved back in with family and life is a lot different now. As of now I don't think I can work and I feel bad about it but I'm trying to find new meaning
Finding new meaning is really difficult, and nothing can prepare you for that difficulty. But if you keep trying, you WILL figure it out. Just need to be open minded, and of course grateful for what you already have (seriously, this makes a world of difference for being content with life) Stay strong, you got this
I had the dream of graduating college, but my mental illness has kept me from doing so. I have dropped out of school twice because of breakdowns that I strongly suspect were because of my bipolar (I was undiagnosed at the time). Lately, my dream has been to go back to school to make myself proud. I think I can finally finish a degree because I am mentally stable enough and am on medication.
You've led a very interesting life Kit, I hope to one day travel the world as you have. You may not have fulfilled your childhood dream, but you are an inspiration to those who watch your channel.
First off thank you so so much! And I really hope you can finish your degree! The fact that you’re stable and on meds to the point where you feel like you can go after that degree is awesome! It’s amazing what difference treatment can make.
Best of luck! You’re strong enough 💪
Your insight is AMAZING. Kids with birth defects need help, but so do people with mental illness. If "never give up on YOUR dream" isn't realistic, "never give up on reaching A dream" is doable. You've proven that there is hope, and that's often the first thing someone loses when coming to terms with a diagnosis. Thank you for that!
Never give up on reaching a dream…. I love that! And for a long time I didn’t have hope because there wasn’t much to be hopeful about, but nowadays I let myself hope for many things because it keeps me going, even if those things continue to change and evolve over time. Thanks so much for this!!!
Everything you've done has great value...and inspires us.
Thank you always, Roy!
This video made me smile so much. Despite your cognitive struggles, you sound like a very articulate and bright young woman. Getting through college with a severe mental illness, to me, is an amazing accomplishment...something I always wanted to do, but now realize that I probably never will. And your positive attitude is like a breath of fresh air! I've been diagnosed with Schizoaffective bipolar for over seven years now. I've constantly compared myself to friends and family, since then...almost obsessively, to my detriment. I never imagined living a fulfilling life having this illness...but your perspective is very refreshing. Even though most days I feel like a total failure...one thing I have learned is to not be ashamed or embarrassed. I'm open about my illness to family and friends and even complete strangers. I just wish that one day, I'll be able to realize a dream...or several dreams...and make them come true. For now, I'm still figuring it all out. Love your videos.
Thank you thank you THANK YOU. A lot of my life has been trying to be happy and content, in the face of what feels like a life ruining condition. At least twice a month I sit in my shower and just cry because I hate SZA so much and feel so screwed, even with all the work I do. Like at the end of the day I’m still disabled, and nothing will ever change that.
As such, Living a fulfilling life takes a ton of work and I do my best, and your words mean so much to me because I “pass for normal” most days and my accomplishments that everyone else is expected to do (like graduating college) kinda fall under the rug even though getting there nearly ended me. Thanks for saying this; I needed it.
But I love that you’re open about your condition even with what it does to you. Obviously I’m a fan of talking about these things, but I also know how… scary it can be to say something even if you’ve said it to people a million times before. Keep it up, you’re doing great (you’re not a failure even if you feel you are, I get that way too sometimes) and heck yes maybe we will make at least a little difference before we leave this world by talking about something very few do.
One day I hope for there to be more of us. But I also know keeping quiet is valid too for many. Just depends on the person.
And now, I guess I could say that this comment made me smile so much :)
Hang in there and stay strong!
This was SO INSPIRING i’m sobbing, thanks for sharing! My mom has schizoaffective bipolar too and i know how difficult it could be 🥺Also lost my dream job due to illness, but more physical than mental. This video made me feel so proud of myself for getting through college and becoming the person i am today and making new dreams ❤❤❤
YES YES YES TO THIS! I’m so glad you’ve been able to make new dreams and you should feel proud for getting through college! College is tough. Thanks for sharing this and I’ll keep sharing too!
My dream was to be in the army. Also to become a nun or a veterinarian. My Schizoaffective disorder has ruined all of that for me. So I understand. Thank you for sharing! You make me feel optimistic about the future.
I also dropped out of my university, got kicked out😂, but I had to take 2 long distance courses. So I worked at my own pace and got 2 A's , later 2 diplomas, and now and MBA ( and I no longer suffer from depression)
I wanted to work in natural resources management but ended up being very good at statistics. I was doing pretty advanced AI work when Nvidia had recently launched CUDA. I could tell then what potential their technology might have. I would be a multimillionaire now from that investment alone, but I bought silver instead at that time due to my mental illness. This was also around the end of me having jobs in any field I wanted or was particularly good at. I don't regret any of it, but I don't have a new dream yet. I have become more adjusted to being a person of fairly average intelligence instead of the person I thought I would become. I've also adjusted to knowing I'll need to work a low or medium wage job until retirement age, but at least I'll be able to retire.
Thank you for sharing! Your story is just like my brother’s, he’s super smart PhD AI and Machine learning, he’s been struggling with his mental health throughout most of his adult life, he was homeless and isolated during a recent psychotic break. He’s on treatment now, living with me, unemployed and attempting to navigate schizoaffective disorder. You are loved❤
Hello! Have you heard of the medical ketogenic diet? Look for a you tuber “Doing Well with Schizophrenia “ she has gone through it, and has really changed her. Also the Baszucki Group. You will benefit from it.
With such struggle you have such a brightness radiating from you !
It’s the only way to not let it win! Thank you!
omg this is me :’(
I could pursue my other dream though, which is writing my medieval fantasy series. Much more attainable than med school. Ugh
Ngl I’m still upset over it lmao. You handled it so gracefully. Its hard for me to let go of the idea of healing people and changing their lives.
I’m going to school now to be an X-ray tech
Change is hard and it took me years to get to the point where I could make that video, x ray tech sounds awesome, best of luck!
How do you not have more subscribers yet? You’re channel is amazing. You are so well spoken and so deeply relatable. I love your story-telling. It really draws in the listener and is so engaging. Thanks for sharing so much about your life!
Thank you so much!!
I believe you will do great in your community dream and public speaking.
Thank you, needed to hear this.
You are an inspiration ❤
I try! Thank you!
A mental health disorder has made me have to surrender some of my biggest dreams and years of hard work in college striving towards them. But like you said it can open new doors and you can adapt and make new dreams that can be just as fulfilling. Love what you shared.
Glad I could help!
I don't know if the "normal life" of a picket fence two kids wife and a dog is a "dream" but I think that's gone for me... Along with a 9 to 5 "normal" job... I havnt even held someone's hand for over 20 years since my first psychotic break which lead to schizophrenia and get anxious and stressed so bad work is hard... But as you say dreams shift I have a new dream... The only people that hire me are acting agencies... I'm most comfortable doing that... Pretending and getting paid for giving it your best and I seem to do it alright... Anyway yes acceptance is part of schizophrenia for sure...
Part of me longs for the picket fence apple pie life, and I have someone in my life who does have it and she’s very happy, but like…I want to do something that makes me THAT happy not necessarily what she’d got going on. Episodes really can change us, and change our futures, and just… try to mess up everything. Key word try. I’m glad you do acting though! If it works, it works :)
@@SchizoKitzo hey thanks so much for your replies on all my comments I really appreciate that in this day and age! ... We are so good when we are good we probably have that in common?... and one plus is both of us seem to have found meds (trial and error) that work well... Let's not say with little side effects just ones that we can live with... On the gratefulness side of things arnt we lucky we live in 2023... Only 100 years ago I'd be in the loony bin locked up with no real meds to keep me level and like you said in one video without today's help I received from family and the state I'd be on the street... Anyway I could go on forever... I'm sure you will still get a slice of the pie life :) I write a lot of music I finished a 200 song 4 year long project last year... The very last song I wrote was called "tea" the tune went "we don't know the future it's not ours to see" my little writers voices telling me and everyone that listens don't write anything off... When the going gets tough the tough get going I guess... Never give up stay safe out there by by
I'm recovering from episodes and still having lots of cognitive symptoms. I thought I would be able to return to work , but I don't know. It gets me depressed. I used to be into computers, and now I don't function the same. Just keep working on my problems and wait and see.
God bless you for this video. I have lost my dreams too due to psychotic episodes that destroyed my cognition. I wanted to be personal trainer, I actually worked that job until illness hit me out of nowhere. 4 years of hell, i survived them somehow, but i was left with rly bad side effects of psychosis. I just couldnt manage clients anymore and it was hard to track macros and write programs for every client with this cognition. Also it is rly hard to find girlfriend that wants to stick with me and accept my illness. I wanted wife, children, family. Now it feels out of reach. But recently I found peace in working out, I made pretty good results in gym that I am proud of, also I am reading a lot, witch helps me also.I recently made new fiends in gym and on internet support grups. It is hard, rly hard to accept, but somehow as time gets by it gets easier. You find little things that keep your me3ntal state in shape.
Keep posting videos, your channel is rly helpful and full of great informations. And you also deserve more subscribers, this is high quality channel.
I’m really glad you’re finding what works for you (like working out and reading). Coming back from episodes is so hard and difficult but different for everyone. Keep it up, you’re doing great! And thanks for sharing
Thank you so much for this video. Right now I’m hanging onto my dream as hard as I possibly can. My positive and negative symptoms aren’t bad, it’s the cognitive issues you describe that are making everything so hard. Even if I can’t do it in the end, at least I’ll be able to find a different dream.
You got this!!! You’ll figure it out, and finding different dreams is such a good thing. Hang in there!
Your last year in college sounds a lot like mine. For part of it I was also sfudying abroad, when it seemed like I’d get the panic attacks every night… for hours… rapid cycling all these horrible emotions and memories… until I wore myself out and fell asleep. I thought they would go aaay when I got home but it kept mounting… the whole time I’m thinking it’s anxiety but it was my dissociative disorder kind of coming to a head. (Osdd-1b) I remember even once or twice in my favorite class with my favorite professor just suddenly his words would slip away into background and things would look “wiggly”. I’d had to leave the room for a moment and once left school all together for the day because it was so bad I knew I would be a distraction if I stayed.
this is extremely meaningful to me. i can't do what i want anymore, and now have to reevaluate my life. always somethin....
I did achieve my dreams. I felt like I had it all, then lost sooo much. I spent a few years wallowing in self pity, thinking only on my losses, what I could no longer do, etc. It wasn't until I found real things to be grateful for that my thinking starter to shift. It then went to anger ) I still have some anger issues). This has persisted for year's. Like you I had to face some truths about my limitations and made the decision to re-evaluate everything (my belief system, who I was, who I wanted to be and identify changes needed and started making those changes as best I could. Nobody has it good all the time or bad all the time. The only sure thing is change. You embrace it and try to better things or fight against it and hope for the best. I don't think that obtaining the dream is the biggest deal for most people because their journey getting them towards or away from their dreams change the person, events, circumstances, etc. Life causes us to continually make modifications to our dreams. My best advice is this. LIVE IN THE MOMENT. FIND JOY WHERE YOU CAN. BE KIND AND TREAT OTHERS WITH COMPASSION AND KINDNESS (even if you don't feel like they deserve it). It could be the one thing that turns them around. Peace and love to you all. Best wishes on your own personal journeys.❤
I’m sorry to hear that. That’s very sad. The one thing I want to say is you are helping people it’s just a different way you still should be proud of yourself because you are strong and by explaining things that can help someone change things in their life that they are doing wrong by listening to you on the Internet
Thank you, this makes me feel quite content. And I love that! Like heck I’m gonna let SZA keep me down 💪
I don't know if you'll see this, but hello, Kit--I just wanted to say that this channel and this video in particular are certainly great things and never let anybody take that away from you. You're doing a lot of good.
I also had to let go of a BIG Dream (with a capital D) some time in high school because of stress that was inflicted on me and also because my brain just struggles to handle it. I don't have schizoaffective disorder (or at least not yet, anyway), but I do have some diagnoses (schizotypal with an anxiety disorder here) and I've realized that my brain probably just wasn't primed to deal with certain things because of its differences or what-have-you. But essentially, I can relate so much to this.
In my case it did feel like a visceral and traumatic experience to come to terms with because I had shaped my identity around it and I thought I would disappoint others and I disappointed myself when I admitted it. But eventually I got over it, and it was the best thing I've ever done, because now I have so many little dreams that I've accomplished, and so many more little dreams I want to pursue, that make me--honestly--much happier. So many avenues I restricted myself from touching because "it wouldn't lead me to my goal".
I am still struggling to accept my differences and I am just now learning to give myself more grace and work with myself instead of against it, especially since I've realized more that I am dealing with things other people don't (and we really have to give ourselves credit for that), but I just wanted to say thanks for making this video because I honestly thought I was alone in that (but how silly that is, when there are so many people with so many experiences...!). And keep doing great stuff. I'm typing from an anonymous account because I am scared of letting people know, but I find it noble for you to tell people so matter-of-factly who you are, what you deal with, and how great your life is even with it. Thanks, SchizoKitzo
Thank you for talking about the cognitive side along with the damage these episodes cause. My motor skills are diminished, my thought process are skewed. None of my psychiatrist could explain to me why my motor skills were slowed down along with my speech being affected.
Yeah the cognitive side of schizo-type disorders etc isn’t talked about a lot, rather it’s more the psychotic side we hear about. I hate that it happened to you too, but we aren’t alone in this boat we gotta row!
When I watch your videos I keep forgetting you're not a big channel. Your content is so refined and well done!
Aww thanks! Gotta make solid content whether I have lots of subscribers or not 💪
I also lost my plan A dream and ended up as a research technician and I love my job :)
For me, it hasn't been depression itself that has taken away my dreams. Instead, the diagnosis of depression on my record. I have graduated college and am on my way to a law degree (one more year). The dx of MDD on my medical record is preventing from getting the only jobs I want and following my own dreams. Apparently, because I had a short stint on SSRIs and SI-np, I can't be trusted with any cool job... FBI, JAG, etc... It's all so much harder.
Wow what an amazing and beautiful personal you are. And i am sure you will be a public speaker one day🎉
Working on it! Thanks!
Firstly, I wanted to say I value your work here on this platform so much, yours is truly a great service. Secondly, I would like to share that the loss of capacities from my time with acute psychosis helped to make clear the path for me as a future artist and educator. It was after my last psychotic break that I had lost every ability save for visual and audial artistic capabilities. I had to retrain myself to read etc, but I did not have to retrain myself to draw or write poetry, so I decided I would take on the long period of recovery and study to become a professor. I am fully medicated, and being able to actually labor practically toward a life of art and giving to others in a life changing way is a miraculous gift.
I love how you took the cards you were given and made them work. That’s super inspiring and thank you for sharing! And for the compliment as well. Rock on!
I gave up drinking at 19 with a "dream" of not being out of control or behaving badly. Then at 21 bipolar started with a big euphoric episode. Getting meds and therapy helped, but I am aware I could 'lose control' again.
I always feel like I’m going to lose everything all over again, and the more I build up my life the more than anxiety builds. I can live with it and it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to, but the thought still sneaks in around 3 AM sometimes.
I'm a hairdresser and I'm experiencing this too. I may never be a hairdresser again now I'm struggling so hard
This video was very optimistic and I liked it very much! We have to spend our time in a certain body, there is no choice other than to try to make the most of it! Everything is easier when you have self-love. But it is still quite a Labyrinth when all medication come into play. So I wish you psychic energy in the future to fulfill your dreams!=
good video kitz!
I'm from Brazil and your channel is so great. I love listen what you say here. Thank you! ❤
Honestly, I never had a dream to begin with, but it did start as a very slow morphing nightmare hitting critical mass when I was 20 years old! My time in the difficult demographic of the mentally ill and a subsequent discovery of my Buddhist faith! It truly saved my life and, I smile so much more than I have ever in my life! Yes, there are difficult realities that come my way but regardless a laugh and joke are never too far away! It has been a bit trying to be around new people from time to time because of a lack of social understanding, but I am over the moon to be around my friends, my spiritual friends who are trying to make the world a better place one day and one person at a time! Moreover I have also discovered an appreciation of other religions and faiths and how they operate and see the world understanding that there is no right and only way trying to include everyone! Buddhists have an idea of transforming adverse conditions, and it has for me and I am happy it has for you too!
I love it when people of varying religions can tolerate one another (and even be friendly about it!). Buddhism has spoken to me a few times, because I really like how it views suffering. And I, like many others, do a lot of suffering. Thanks for this comment, I enjoyed reading it!
You are such an inspiration. Thank you .
I have a degree in Zoology and wanted to go to vet school. I had to give up my high ideal when I got sick. I spent a year as a nun and church volunteer. Also my life changed direction a little to laboratory animal research technician. I have retired now and am looking for work as a veterinary assistant. Guess I never really gave up either.
New dreams, love that. I hope you can find a position! I had a friend who was a vet tech and he loved it.
This is a great video very inspirational your obviously very smart and are able to do amazing things I think it's incredible what you can do I also really like your cyber punk cosplay and your other cosplays but I think cyber punk is my favorite 😊
The cyberpunk one is my current fav as I feel so cool in it. Thanks!
I LOVE you !! You are amazing
I really appreciate this!!!
What the heck 😅 I'm currently finishing my Masters sequencing DNA and RNA to study the effects of climate change on plants. And you got into cosplay, I just started doing drag 😂.
I just got diagnosed with bipolar after my first major manic episode this past fall. Made a 2 year degree take 4. The cognitive effects are real. I also got rejected from my dream job of studying grain adaptation to climate change and transcriptomics at my dream institution. I haven't given up on my dream completely, but I'm keeping my options more open now because I'm realizing I might not get into exactly what I wanted to. Thanks for making these videos! Make me feel a lot less alone in this.
OH my GOD science person in the comments!!!!!!! I actually have an RNA strand tattoo that I got because of my research, and its UAGAUG, so stop and start, it’s my version of the semicolon tattoo but only science people would really understand it…, so naturally I tell it to every science person ever even here on UA-cam lol. I hope one day you can find a lab or field that works for you, and for my sake, I hope they get the climate change research covered since I ain’t sure as heck doing it 😂 Also drag is SO COOL have fun!
That is such a cool tattoo idea!! ...can I steal it?? 😅 And thank you!! I've had some other good job offers since this comment so I'm not giving up hope!
Absolutely, just tag me on whatever social you post it on so I can be sure to see it if you do go through with it lol. And good luck with the jobs!!!
Yes Kit is very inspiring and very beautiful. She makes good mental health videos.
awww thank you ^_^
as someone with bilateral clp, i am so moved by your story. so sorry it turned out this way, but what a lovely thing to come out on the other side of it.
I'm proud of you!!!.
My favorite line in this was "dreams can change" I think it's wonderful that you are able to see yourself as valuable even though you changed your dream, it is obvious you have many dreams that you can make come true. 🙏❤️
Yes! Thank you!
I've found the best way to deal with the ugly truth of this reality is thru dissociating or seeking euphoria.
Your amazing I can relate I love your videos
My dream is to get better, but that's why it's a dream, because it's never going to happen. But that's just me, hope anyone else having problems gets better.
I lost my dream to schitzoeffective disorded, my dream job. I grew up and was a cas thier ina church. But now i can have my dream job in sales thanks to finding the local train station and a trip to milwalkee. Guess what, kit, i can go off social security disability to working a full time career in sales, ill be selling advertising for my own newspaper, and i can be well known to boot!
❤
Disappointment caused me to abuse myself by means of a voice or alter ego and it lasted thirty years. I am fifty three and have high hopes of becoming proficient in guitar and mandolin. I want to write a book. And I have other things I'm working toward.
My friends are all moving away and moving on with their lives and I became stuck bc of this illness
Comparison is the thief of joy
I used to computer program when I was in High School. Mid college my schizoaffective hit and my ability stopped growing.
I have chronic insomnia and chronic depression. Hate psych meds but cannot get out of them. My 10 year relationship is done. I have no purpose. Don't want to end myself but cannot live like this. My dream is a dignified assisted ending.
I had to drop out of HS. All my dreams died and became unattainable.
Mental illness ruins so much. I’m sorry it took that from you, and I hope you’ve found meaning in other areas of life. School isn’t everything, and there’s many ways to live a fulfilling life. Hang in there, and I hope you’ve found peace since then. And if not, I hope one day soon you find it
This is strange for me to watch becauze i allow my reality to be defined by what i see in my mind becauze i didnt want to get help that i thought i needed.
But i eventually just ran with it. I realized his miserable and unhappy I was.
But i also found something to put that part of my brain/mind to work. Which is why i never finished school, becauze i learn things differently.
Its not always about memorizing for me. Im a visual person, and i have alot of....can i say entities? Thats how i see them sometimes. Sometimes its my inside self.
But i spent a good part of my life telling myself that it was just in my head. Eventually i could t hold it in anymore. But, i will say that despite all of the break down in my life, i dont dislike where i am, not all the time.
Sometimes its a dream come true. Other times its like im in a hell dimension. Other times its both at the same time.
But one thing I know is that i no longer pray to not wake up in the morning. I look forward to tomorrow.
I do my best to get all the rotten toxic energy out of me, but i try to be cool with that part of me. I spent a long time treating him like the villain. Now im allowing him to have some pf the spotlight becauze of how long he was suppressed.
You do cosplay
I believe im god, the 2nd coming and the anti-christ all rolled into one. I own it in my own way.
But im also the type of person that needs to be my own BOSS. I cant taken orders for long. And i do my best to see everyone as an equal, unless im feeling unhinged and see the human race as insects. But i keep it as balanced as i can.
I have a few outlets that afford me the breathing room i need to enjoy what i can of my life
I just spent the better part of the last 7 months being paid to travel for a high end mens retail brand so i could help support their stores that needed help.
It was great. It was like an all expense paid indentured servent vacation.
But it did grant me an education in int'l business and marketing that i never would have gotten in school.
I had to burn that bridge tho.
I like to make sure that i have no choice but to keep moving forward with my life.
I dreamed about being a scientist, and was on a clear path to success but was hit hard by bipolar and I had to give up that. Today, I'm a software engineer.
And I hope you find fulfillment! And that you find you’re happy sometimes too :)
You've already seen my reaction to this in DMs but I just want to say
9:01: - 9:05 - 'I cannot say where I am and what I'm doing in the lab...' - I assume you work for the government on some secret projects in a oasis in a desert- :-)
;)
Wow, operation smile. I just wanted to be a milkman.🤣
Dreams are dreams, no shame in whatever they are!
@@SchizoKitzo Was it Camus? "All work is honorable"?
I'm sorry 😢.. I can't explene
all i had was my mind
Im spiritual...just wondering
Baluts are chicken embryos😮
its a duck
'it doesn't mean your life is over if you can't do that one thing" SZA means you're dying slowly over a course of decades. people with SZA die sooner, people with SZA as you mentioned, damage their cognition and memory
with each repeat episode, and lose a bunch of time and energy to this illness. You are lucky that your intelligence has outweighed your illnesses negative sides. we aren't all so lucky. boo hoo you can't be a doctor so you're going to take your biology degree and be a research technician... I didn't even fucking get to finish college. my entire life was and has been a waste and I want it to end.
Are you religious at all?
No dream. Don't need one. Schizophrenia started to disorient me by the age of 17. Started following heroes. 😝🥸