Just gonna point out, "financially incompatable" does not mean he's too poor, it means they have different ideas and different priorities when it comes to money usage/financial decisions.
She shouldn't marry someone who thinks HIS kids are entitled to her generational wealth in the first place. If they both started at the same level: zero wealth, and combined their income to leave to all of their kids, that's different. That's why pre nuptials are an amazing invention. No rights to the money earned pre-marriage. That's perfect. No way grandpa would've wanted his money split three ways with two other kids he's never met. Most of that money would've gone to strangers. Literally two thirds. Nope. It sounds like future husband is really materialistic. She should marry someone who has the same level of wealth and wouldn't want her money.
It’s generational wealth. The Mom and the daughter are directly apart of that generation, not him and his kids. She can do what she pleases, but she should have communicated what she was going to do.
I agree with you except for letting him know ahead of time. The inheritance has no bearing on him and his kids at all. I feel like he was just a gold digger.
Even before the talks about the generational wealth, the fiancé was immediately in the wrong. Like in a setting where the money didn't exist, OP was picking a BIRTHDAY GIFT for HER DAUGHTER and he had the audacity to say she was wasting money and then say she should buy a gift for his kids too? Like I'm sorry it's not their birthday! They have to wait until it is their birthday like everyone else with siblings.
YOU RIGHT! THAT MAN IS GONNA GIVE HIS KIDS WEIRD COMPLEXES WHERE THEY CAN'T STAND SEEING OTHERS GETTING NICE THINGS IF THEY CAN'T HAVE IT TOO! So many families I've been around operated in fear of making sure everything the kids get is equal, sole annoying ass fam members even going as far as to bring a gift for the other sibling on A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY!! A fam I'm close with that doesn't do that, the lil kids never display jealousy at each other's birthdays. They just have fun playing and eating cake.
Big respect to the mother in story 1 for having her kid's best interests in mind and saying that she is much more important to her than a man and a marriage. If they continue having problems they can separate, that would be the best.
@@masterprick1 And how is that their stepmother's problem? She's putting her earnings into raising them. She's not at all, forced to split HER inheritance three ways with kids who are only hers by marriage. She would be giving two thirds of her grandpa's inheritance to kids he has never met in the first place. That's not fair at all.
@@iulia.bianca.b It is her problem because if she gets married to someone with full-time custody, she will be their only mom the whole time. Not once in my comment did I mention they should get any of the inheritance. I do agree with the edited version of op's comment that they should separate, just like she has to look out for her daughter he has to look out for his kids.
In the first story of she splits it evenly, his kids end up getting 2/3 of the girl’s inheritance. They would get the majority of the money that was designated for her
Even assuming the guy had the best intentions, he did an awful job of explaining what he wanted...it gave a super strong impression that he was only with her to get access to her money for his kids.
Yea, he already got to move into HER inherited property, which is probably paid off, so he has opportunities to build funds for his own daughters. Also, this is what you get when you agree to keep finances separate. Why would all inherited money suddenly go to daughters that aren't hers when you already agreed to keep your own money.
It's not even for his kids. He's not trying to get her to spend $4000 on something his kids aren't even interested in (as a present on someone else's birthday) because he wants his kids to have them. He's just trying to be in control of her money.
I disagree. He has EVERY right to protect his kids from feeling less than. They don't understand the nuances of inheritance and divided finances, they will just feel like they are not loved as much. She should have talked to him, sat with it, and then decided, because now she doesn't have any options.
It’s the daughters birthday 🎂. She gets the pony. The trusts were set up before they were serious so that’s not a discussion to be had. Financially compatibility is a real thing! Finances is one of the top reasons for divorce. She was smart for how she set it up. No - she is not the AH. We live in a weird ass world. They are living within their income means and if her grandpa was still living then this would be life.
Please consider the fact that his children also have another parent which should be responsible for giving his children what he feels they may need in the future. If anything his children are benefitting from her income at a 2 to 3 ratio then she automatically spends more on his kids anyway.
Most child support isn't that much. Unless she's making 5k a month chances are he's only getting a few hundred a month. And that's for basic living expenses. There's a reason why he and op didn't ask her to give more money for theor hobbies.
@@loveluna9653 at this time he didn't even indicate that they had any particular hobbies or more additional interest. He just wanted them to have ponies instead just for the sake of it.
@@loveluna9653 Are you taking about OP (the one with the inheritance)? Because the person you replied to was talking about OP spending her income on his kids. If so, she spends two thirds of her own income on them (her step kids). If that's not a lot, I don't know what is. She's already raising her fiance's children. They literally are NOT entitled to her inheritance. Grandpa never even met them.
NTA. Making the trusts should have been done before she met the boyfriend but is smart to have been done once engaged. Taking the money off the table and out of the relationship prior to marriage protects OP and her child (the person the money is intended for) in the future. The fact that OPs fiance was angry about the money not being easily accessible to him or his children shows he was always thinking about it when he called it "our money".
@sureenadonovanisaac4136 How does that change a thing????? 😅😂 Is the fiance entitled to her money now because he's already asked her to marry him? Is there a freaking contract before marriage? Like an engagement contract? He's entitled to literally nothing. Unless they were already married. But even then, grandpa could've specified for whom the money was, in the will. It doesn't matter who wants it, if the owner specifies who's it for.
I believe the girl friend in the one story probably also felt a little betrayed because all this time she was worried about money and about being a burden to her bf when it wasn't actually the case still a bit of an overreaction on her part but she probably just felt taken back with alot of different emotions that she didn't react well. 🤷🏼♀️
I suspect this as well! I think that because she interpreted, “it’s no big deal,” as him downplaying the financial impact of him helping her , she definitely still would have worried, felt guilty and so on, so realising that she actually need not have worried at all would cause her to go back through all those feelings. She now needs to re-reconcile those with this new information.
Not to mention, $160k is a LOT of money to those of us who grew up with little to no money, she has to reconcile her feelings of him hiding that from her, along with dealing with any trauma this could have opened up for her regarding finances. That kinda trauma can be hard to deal with.
Equity over equality. Everyone should have the same opportunities, but if your kids don't have the same interests, it's not smart to give the other sibling something just because the other one has it. OP's kid is actually interested in what her mom got her, meanwhile the fiance just cares about things being "fair" even though his kids never even mentioned or cared much about the interest that OP's kid has for horses. When it comes to the generational wealth situation, it should be distributed how the person wanted it to be. The fiance and any future partner needs to understand that's OP's and the daughters money, nobody else's and that's how it was supposed to be distributed
To be fair, I doubt he meant it literally. But yes, if they get married, they should all have the same opportunities. Does she think that his kids will drain all of her money? Also, is her money just sitting in an account and she won't have any extra?
I can see how his kids would feel less if the daughter is driving a luxury car and they just got the beater his dad could afford for them and stuff like that, but OP could tone stuff like that down and Max should shut up before his kids get even less when he has to find his own place to live and spend a good chunk of the money he once had available for them on rent.
Story 1: NTA. He's not doing it for his kids, because it's not even something they want. He just wants to feel in control of her money because the financial imbalance makes him feel insecure and jealous. Why is OP even with this man? She can't be this desperate. Even if he signed a prenup it doesn't mean it'll stop him from acting entitled about her money. Heck getting married will almost certainly make him even worse. He's showing her what he's really like and how he really feels about the financial imbalance. As far as the "all the kids deserve stuff" People don't get presents on their siblings birthday. Especially not the exact present their sibling asked for that they aren't interested in. Never mind getting presents on someone's birthday who isn't even your step sibling yet. That idea is beyond ridiculous and incredibly entitled. (Unless you come from a culture that gives presents to everyone or something, but that's clearly not where OP is from)
Story 1: NTA. I feel like he felt entitled to your inheritance or money in general, seeing as to how he called your money “OUR MONEY”. And a huge red flag to him going through your personal financial paperwork and then to get mad at you for not including him (a boyfriend, not husband) and his children (which are not yours) in your inheritance trusts. This “it’s not fair for us that you have all this money you get to spend” attitude is childish. If he wants a better life for his kids, well he’s just gonna have to work harder. He’s already getting free housing staying with you with his kids at your grandfather’s house and only paying half of any bills. If he’s working he should start thinking of saving for the future of his kids, instead of crying about gifts HE thinks his kids deserve even though it’s not their birthday nor do they show interest in.
I say boyfriend because I see fiancé as just a fancy way of saying a boyfriend, with a ring, that a person might get married to. Fiancés don’t always become husbands 😅🤷🏻♀️
Story 3: she shouldn’t have gotten mad out of insecurity but I get it because when I realized my boyfriend then (husband now) had a lot more money than I did I started to cry out of insecurity because I was too poor for him. I felt bad that I could never contribute like him to help and that I had a lot of college debt. I was scared that his family would never accept me because I saw too many novelas as a child depicting that. We talked it out that night and I thought we settled it. Turns out the first three years of marriage we argued over finances and I was right 😂. But over time we overcame financial struggle differences and are finally one. But it definitely took time. So insecure young me was right to worry but it was only over a few future arguments we would have and overcome together
Story 1: The step siblings will hate each other and it’s setting up the family dynamics for failure. I agree with waiting until the child is grown before marriage. It’s less confusing for the kids
Grandpa died 2 years ago… boyfriend moved in just over 1 year ago… proposal was 2 months ago… this was not a decision made and executed in haste… we don’t even know if it happened before or after the proposal, just that he found out afterwards. His insistence is a red flag to me. Besides, it’s too late. She can’t undo it. Can he live with it or not?
Story 1: There's no way every kid should get a pony. But every kid should be encouraged to pursue their interests. Baseball camps and football camps get really expensive too! Things don't need to be equal to be equitable. She could have also rented a horse until her daughter was much older, but what do I know. Disagree with both Sam and John that things should be equal. I spent most of my inheritance on my ex-husband and I totally regret it!
NTA for both stories. Money influenced their reactions as they don't see it as a private thing. Money makes people look at them differently. Like both fiancees, seeing that money and then seeing OP differently rather than seeing what the relationship was built on in the first place. Putting a price amount on the relationship rather than how much the emotional and caring weight of the actions were done by OP. Money should be out of the equation until OP is sure they can trust their partner to be aware, yes the money was hidden but it was built with a future in mind, family, house, kids and now them as a partner (not the amount in their account they bring to the table).
This is the first time I have been taken aback by y’all’s response I’m shook. The last post about being upset about “hidden” money”. Her being in her head after finding out such news is completely valid. It’s not wrong it’s not right it’s valid. It’s the whole “they gave you 20 when they had 200 and I gave you 10 when I had 10” having to step back and make sure that he’s still a loving caring man finding out all his generosity you’re still grateful for was in fact generosity. Mixed with her new insecurity of not being worthy and being behind in life and reassess their memories to make sure his heart is pure and isn’t in shady dealings you didn’t see the red flags for until now is completely enough to stare off into space for a few days. I’m happy everything worked out for them I completely understand his side he’s valid as well. This is one of those random guy complimenting your shirt and then start wondering if he’s talking about your boobs situation neither was wrong. I still love y’all’s podcast but dang y’all did her dirtyyyyy 24:03
Yes it is valid however it wasn't exactly hidden money. It would yes be hidden money if they were married with shared finances. But they aren't. As an example my partner & I years ago dated then split up only to get back together 6 years ago as I had some serious growing up to do (I broke up with him as I came to that realization & we separated amicably) make roughly about the same amount, I still make less, but he doesn't have savings while I do. I worked very hard with myself as money was a big issue for me, didn't understand the value of a dollar. So during the 2 years we were split I saved as much as possible & still put in some money per paycheck even after we got back together. We have been together for (even including the time before the 2 year separation) collectively 10 years now but we only talked about finances like savings & such 3 years ago as we felt that was the right time as we were basically wanting to start settling & wanting to move out of state. Don't have plans on getting married till after we have moved & own a house. That's when I told him about my savings & how much I had; he was surprised but mainly proud that I managed to save up so much as he is unable to due to college debt (I never went to college therefore no debt). He was really proud overall of how much I had grown since we had 1st started dating before the break. He doesn't feel like I would have been hiding anything as it was my money to begin with, not his.
I agree with her definition of 'financial incompatibility', it's a broad definition. They're financial priorities and responisbilites are different, they don't align and are incompatible with one another. It has nothing to do with status and it's not an insult. My husband and I have different financial responsibilities and priorities but they aren't incompatable even if I make double what he makes.
In most states, inheritances aren't considered marital property unless there is a clear joining of the funds. In those cases, she would just need to keep him off of those accounts and create a new joint account for their marital finances and she would be covered, however, having the trusts helps to really cement that fact. These two aren't financially compatible. They view money in different ways and it's clear that she is the more mature between them. Even with the trusts, she needs to sit down and really reconsider marrying this guy, highly likely get into couples counselling, and be sure to have an ironclad prenup before actually marrying him.
Story 1: OP is not the asshole. As a mom of 2 I would never expect a man I would marry to share his inheritance. If he would do so out of his own free will, sure. But if I would in no way feel entitled to any of it. If that was me I would be extremely grateful to be able to live rent free, that already frees up funds that I could use on the kids that I otherwise would not have been able to. In general I don't think people should ever feel entitled to other people's money.
s1: NAH. OP wants to take care of her daughter and that's 1000% fine. But there's undeniable dissonance being created. I'm not saying OP should share her wealth but I understand why her fiance felt the need to speak up. Them and their kids are a family now, marriage or not. One kid getting everything and others just looking from the sidelines is bound to create a poor relationship between the kids, especially kids that young who don't yet understand how it all works. They'd just see their sister having gifts they could only dream of. Worse, even, if OP's kid would start taunting fiance's kids over it. Children can be really mean. It's a sticky situation. And it doesn't help OP jumps the gun like her fiance is her enemy. He might be a gold digger or he might be just a guy who's in love with her but also afraid of uneven dynamic between kids because his kids would be the ones to get the short end of the stick.
I'm glad to see someone not jumping the gun and treating the fiance like a gold digger. Many people in the comments miss how this will affect the relationship of the kids and how it could be detrimental almost exclusively to his children.
But his kids will get their share... it just won't be from the inheritance. OP and her partner are living in a paid off estate and she kept 30% of the inheritance for herself anyway. Her and her partner both work... OP isn't even in her 30s yet. They have plenty of time to build up finances together to ensure his kids also get an inheritance when OP and her partner pass. They just should not have to give them HER daughter's inheritance.
5:31 doesn’t he have two kids and she have one why should she buy two extra ponies? I’m sorry, but if I was in his situation, and my partner had generational wealth, I was not going to be expecting my partner to give my kids that lifestyle. I was probably actually going to try to take that moment to explain to them that like people have to work hard for what they get and we can get there too but it’s just that we happen to marry into a family that’s been doing that work for generations you know and they’re not entitled to that like it that’s how I was raised I guess but I don’t think she’s asshole She’s keeping her word to her grandfather😅
Thanks for addressing the Silent Treatment issue. This is something I've been having issues with my wife as of late. In her case is a trauma response, as she's used to being belittled, ignored and even gaslighted by previous partners. But in my case it's also triggering as this was the way my so-called "friends" (AKA Bullies, I know now) used to "punish" me for behaving in any way they disliked.
Max is a golddigger, that's all. Grandpa's money is not for other kids he hasn't even know. I don't get how could I get generational wealth and somehow I had to split it among her boyfriend's kids
She lived with those kids for only ONE year, she didn’t raise them. It’s absolutely CRAZY to think after such a short period of time that he expects her to split the daughter’s inheritance with THEM? absolutely INSANE. Her child grew up with the grandpa and he loved her. He’s overstepping by even asking. They split everything else before only considering their working wage why be offended that that’s how things will stay after? I don’t think they should get married at all actually. The only upside I can think of is taxes. They aren’t going to have children together so they should keep things just the way they are. If he wants to give his kids the sweet life he should get a loan and start a business on his own
Also he gets child support from his ex wife for his kids. I doubt he would think it was ok to spend that money on her daughter. His kids will be taken care of with equal money from her and max and some from his ex wife. If you dont need that money for immediate needs (which it sounds like he doesnt) then put all child support into high interest saving account or bonds to be their schooling fund. No one should be assuming daughter is going to be getting crazy better gifts all the time just because she is getting a pony for her birthday because she has been riding for years. His kids arent even interested in riding and if dad wasnt making big deal about it would probably be fine once told their birthday presents will be tailored to their interests and that if they wanna try riding they can get lessons
Story 1: "our money" 😂 if she comes into the marriage with it generally she goes out of the marriage with it. Also to "make things fair" Are his kids interested in ponies? Do they know how to ride or would they be interested in learning etc. equal not fair.. but equal doesn't mean the exact same...The one kid might love hockey and the other soccer or ballet or playing an instrument etc. why not make it a thing when they turn a certain age they get a big present or soemthing? Regardless, it is her money to do with what she wants. They aren't officially married yet when the mom got the money nor now. Also did she make the trusts 2y ago when she got the money or just now? Because 2y ago they were only 2y into their relationship and not necessarily talking marriage etc and they def weren't living together as per OP saying they have been living together for a year and are just newly engaged. If they hadn't been together at all when she recieved the money and the house etc. would this still be an issue? Really curious when the trusts were set up. Either way though OP is not the asshole. Having to share the pony if they are interedted to be is a good compromise. There is jothing that is saying the daughter will get whatever she wants ir ve spoiled. That money is coming from the grandpa and OP's view is that any gifts she gets from it etc. Are really from the grandpa...
The first one, he sounds like a gold digger. His kids are not her kids unless she adopts them. They have a mother who pays support for them even if she doesn't see them. Her money is her money. The trusts are a great idea because he can't get his hands on them. She was not rash. She was protecting her money.
😂😂😂😂😂 I think the fiancé is funny to assume that the wealth would go to him and his kids too. I can understand the financial situation, but not including the inherited wealth that was given before she was with him. He was definitely in the wrong. I am happy she did what did. I would have done something similar, and giving her daughter a pony for her birthday should have not been an issue. I wouldn't be surprised if she left him. Edit: OP is not the ask hole btw. She was in the right all the way through.
About the guy keeping how much money he had from his fiancé, I would be insecure ab a different question. If -*Person A* only has a penny & gives me a penny in my time of need & *Person B* gives me $10 in my time of need, but has 1 million, I would look at their sacrifices differently. She thought he was sacrificing so much more in her time of need than he was. Not that should matter but it gives her a different perspective on it.
Yeah i get her. It's great they worked it out. But she counted his help as proof of his love and I'm not saying it is not either way no matter his funds, but she was picturing him struggling on Ramen so her dog could live and it just added some intensity and sacrifice to his actions that made her feel extra grateful and like he'd always put her above his needs. At any rate she's marrying a responsible rational man who loves her and is preparing properly to build a family and legacy. They'll be fine. And being ahead of the curve is a great relationship hiccup.
I can understand some semblance of frustration as far as communication and envy about finances however I don't believe its mandatory to openly detailing intimate financial details until it's serious enough to discuss marriage/some form of hard established relationship permanence. My boyfriend and I have been together 2 year's and have been open and honest the whole time and im envious of his very strong financial responsibility but he's working with me to develop this same level of discipline. I don't feel entitled to his money i know if i need help he will help usually more so in the form of advice first and honestly I really appreciate and respect that. We're talking about getting a house together and we both agree theres work to put in first. Keeping separate finances and separate beliefs on how to communicate about it doesn't mean disrespect or hiding it. Learn how to compromise while agreeing to disagree.
What bothers me about story 1 is the fact that they think it's okay to even ask for even a tiny part of that money. The red flag for me is that op told her fiance that not all of the money was in a trust for her daughter, but he was still specifically focused on the daughter's money even though OP had set money aside for herself and home expenses. I get wanting everyone to be "equal" but this wasn't a random gift for no reason, it was for the daughter's birthday. Does that mean that on the other kid's birthdays op's daughter gets a gift too? The marriage won't work if he has a poor man's mentality.
Imma just say it. Fiancé is a gold digger because that wasn’t even his money and I doubt if the grandpa was alive he’d be bold enough to demand it like that. So idk I personally feel like she’s NTA because she’s still helping with her income and as long as they’re married then they would be fine financially.
I am lower middle class, don't have a trust fund, could never dream of getting my daughter a pony. I do not think she is the asshole. I know some people wanna say it was assholish to do it all so quickly, but she makes a good point. She has the resources to have it done quickly, probably a accounting team of some kind that gave her proper legal advice and it seems like she took the best advice for the sake of her and her daughters well being. Now a few people are saying she should care about Max's kids too. Well I believe she does. She is essentially giving her daughter the inheritance she was meant to have from her grandfather. It was his intent to give it to her but of course she was too young to actually inherit it and he knew op would do what was best for her daughter (not the kids grandpa never got to even meet) until she was able to use it herself. No pun intended, but that money is grandfathered in. She is obviously willing to give all her love and energy and income towards these kids. She is just not willing to give something that wasn't hers to give to these kids just because she is marrying their dad. That wasn't the intent the grandfather had for that money. I also know sam said the income compatibility was a little iffy but honestly I see her point. If this is something that is significant to him, if money and finances are a big part of his life and the struggle his kids will face versus the easier time ops daughter might have is going to bring resentment, then ya, they're not compatible. And that is because of their individual wealth or lack there of. Its not because of their personalities or lack of love or any disagreement besides their individual incomes and how it will affect their kids. I think it's a shitty situation but i don't think anyones the ass here.
I actually have an edit, Max's a bit of an ass tbh. I see where he's coming from but if I bought my daughter a basketball, my significant other wouldn't come up and be like "you should get my daughter's basketballs too" no it's not their birthday....it's hers....and they don't all need to have the same things....or the same opportunities to make the best and have the best kind of life. Its ridiculous he would ask her to do something like this tbh
Do HIS kids even WANT ponies? Do THEY know how to ride? If his kid decides they want archery classes, does HER daughter have to go to? To make it "fair"? It was her daughter's birthday, so the gift was thought out for her.
Story 1 - so NTA. OP sounds financially smart and responsible after learning so much from her experiences and her grandfather. She probably would have set up the trust funds much sooner if she hadn’t met Max yet. Financial compatibility is not whether two people have the same amount of cash in the bank. It’s a level of understanding with financial planning and spending two partners HAVE to be on the same page on. The #1 cause of disagreements in relationships comes from how couples handle their money. Thank goodness OP saw this now. It’s possible Max could learn over time but it’s not guaranteed, so if anything OP potentially dodged a bullet.
In terms of finances with partners, I set up our budget to be based off what we make from our respective jobs. Anything that we make in addition (side jobs, inheritance, etc) is our money to be used how we want to, the only thing that we do is tell eachother what we are using it for and it has worked well so far. My husband has/had land that he owns exclusively and if he sells it, he decides where the money goes. He is also in line for a large inheritance and we discuss what we can spend it on but the decision ultimately lies with him.
Story 1. I want you two you understand that the grandfather took OP and the daughter in, but he only took her in COZ of the daughter, so he only gave the inheritance coz it in the end was for his granddaughter and she made all the trust funds before she met Max as far ai heard from the story. But the daughter takes riding lessons and it might seem like OP is the one giving her daughter a pony, but in the end the gift is from the grandfather since the pony is paid from the money he left her. Many grandparents aren't gifting the partners kids, mostly coz they aren't blood related , some make a choice to gift them too, but if they can't afford it, they won't. But no matter what's the inheritance should never be put out as an income to finance him or his kids, she is sharing her income and they can buy the kids gifts that fits that budget, if he wants his kids to get bigger gifts then he can get an extra job or put a bit more aside, but it's not her job to make sure they get bigger gifts and who says that the kids gets huge gifts every single yeah. This was coz she is taking riding lessons and they are going for a certain school, his two kids has never shown interest.in riding, so why on earth should they even have one each. Just remember that if she even could change the inheritance, would her fear then evolve her thoughts to: "is he only staying coz she gives them bigger gifts and pays for a better school" Coz that can very fast become the thoughts If so. But she should just give them lots of attention and care for them. And he should raise his kids to not be jealous of other people's money and she hopefully raises her daughter to be kind, share and never brag about what she has. Think of it this way, if they split, his kids won't have access to any of it anyway, so another thought, what if his kids was treated just a big with huge gifts too from the inheritance and they then one day split, his kids will get a bigger shock coz they suddenly wont get that then. So no she shouldn't share the money just like that. Sure they can save up for a vacation and if she decides to put a bit extra from the inheritance to make the trip a bit better, that would just be super cool and kind of her to do. But no, she will absolutely never be an @$$h0|€ in any way shape or form!!!
I think OP in the first story needs to maybe rethink this marriage partnership and she def needs to get a prenup. That money was hers and in her family before the guy and his kids came along. As long as she is splitting their bills 50/50 and not mistreating his children or spoiling the absolute shit outta hers, I don’t understand what the problem is with her puttin HER inheritance away for HER child’s future.
listen she was think of doing the pony for her daughters birthday since she was learning how to ride already so this dude was saying oh well even though its your daughter's birthday and that is an expensive thing to do you have to have to get my daughters ponys as well because its only fair like dude her daughter's birthday isnt about your kids if thats what op wants to do for her daughter then thats 100% up to op the dude needa to not make ops daughter birthday about his kids and if you stay with this selfish guy prenud
So... she was only dating the fiancé for 2 years at that point and they weren't engaged. Why would she have talked about her inheritance money with a boyfriend, or set any aside for a boyfriend's kids? It's hers and they weren't even engaged for another 2 years, let alone married.
Op decided this all before him, before marrying him and it’s already been divided up and trust funded. Op can’t touch it legally and the fiancée is the a-hole. He can’t expect her inheritance to go to his kids.
Story 1: she gifted her daughter a horse for her birthday, not just because she "has" the money. It's not his children's birthdays. With that, then she has every right to ask him that they can go in together on it. I see his point on marrying. Once they are married, they can discuss setting strict boundaries, every relationship has what is okay, who pays for what etc etc. Story 2: OP didn't do anything wrong. My parents told my brother and I about finances and who we could or couldn't talk about this. My husband and I began talking about finances when we became engaged (wedding cost and about family planning). OPs fiancé I see her point, but I think she could've brought up and asked him about how "helping" her made her worry about his financial status with helping her. Yes, get couples therapy it'll help.
I don’t think the silent treatment was the right reaction, but coming from personally being in a relationship where there is a significant income gap it does always make you feel like you need to prove your worth so I see where she is coming from emotionally I think in this one you guys kinda show where you haven’t come from the bottom and had to work your way up…
My mom made mutual funds for my sister and I that we couldn't access until we were 21, and it was a really smart idea! She just bought a house and I use mine to pay off my student loans and build my credit!
I think with the story where OP is 24 and has savings there's a bit of her being upset around him vs her being upset at him going on. Like it seemed she needed time to process and maybe because of those feelings she wasn't able to communicate it well instead of maliciously ignoring him to punish him. I don't think they were ever vs each other, OP just felt like maybe that's how she felt and they just needed to decompress together a little
I also wanna add about the second story, I know you guys are a bit confused why she was upset I just think she was taking his gestures as meaning a lot because she thought this was a lot to be doing for something and she was now realizing he didn't even think about it. It wasn't an act like "I am gonna do anything an everything, even put myself out for her, to help her out" but it was more "oh I have spare change, guess I'll pass it to ya. No biggie." I think this is just miscommunication and deffinetly a lack of trust and confidence for her. She needs to be more sure in herself and her relationship because this level of communication isn't something that is expected in most relationships. She has insecurities and needs to communicate those to him so he can act accordingly. Asking him to just know what he needs to disclose and not disclose, what is a big deal to her and what isn't, is ridiculous. He ain't a mind reader. if finances are important to you, you need to voice thatm
Story 1: NTA, I've seen this kind of scenerio before but with a Karen, and let me tell you that if OP would have given in, HER daughter would be miserable because her Ex's children who would begin to believe they deserve everything OP daughter gets all because daddy said so. Plus it ain't HIS money, its OP's money and she has the right to do whatever she wants with it. Demanding to share a birthday gift with children who don't show interest in that kind of gift is both an entitled and red flag move! Her Ex may not realize it, but he was acting like a gold digger! Especially when he found out about the trust fund and inheritance, that was none of his business since he nor his kids are touching that money!💢
Inheritance is shared if it’s “mixed”. It must be kept completely separate, which the trust does. And in many states, someone who makes material upgrades to your home can claim a stake in it or can claim co-ownership. And some states will just divide EVERYTHING equally, regardless of who brought what into a marriage. Also, just raise all the kids middle-class. If his kids ask at some point, her grandpa made that trust for her daughter.
Unpopular opinion her inheritance doesn't need to be discussed with him. She puts money in from her pay check. Her inheritance is the money from her grandfather and should stay in the bloodline. Its generational wealth. He had no right to ask for it or her to spend it on those other kids. She's splitting what she makes not what she has. Alot of people do that. I wouldn't ask my partner to spend her inheritance on me or my kids. If she chooses to, thats great, but she's still helping with her paycheck and im living in her house. The kids should get an explanation that the money being used is from step-sis's grandfather and it can't be helped that its for her. Its like how did he find out about the money? I would've waited until after marriage.
Think about if it had been him with the inheritance and he wanted to spend that kind of money on his kids---would she have wanted him to spend the money on her daughter or would she expect him to just hand the money over to make it fair???
Op 1 is NTA. Inheritance is not your partners business unless you want to have that conversation with them. It sounds like op did exactly what her grandfather would've wanted her to do. She isnt yet married.
Yes normally inheritance is split between partners unless you decide to bring it in the marriage. What some people do for the down payment of the house or some new renovations. Once that happened it will be split when a divorce takes place.
Wow, it was only $160k.. not a million dollars!! She should have been HAPPY for the extra financial cushion 🤷🏼♀️ She finds out that he's good with money, and she's upset. Smh
I’m sorry but inheritance money should honor the last will of the dead person. To me is bs saying the kids will it have equal opportunities. Worker harder as a team to provide for all your children equally.
I can see how buying one kid lots of stuff while the others get nothing can build resentment. In this regard I agree with the husband. However, finances and how you raise kids should always be a discussion before you agree to marry. I honestly don‘t understand how people don‘t talk about that earlier!
View from a step kid, my step dad had 3 sons, 2 from his first wife, 1 with my mother. Mom had 3 kids when they married, (2 female, ! male). Our step dad (the guy who raised all 6 of us) left the family farm to our 2 step brothers and 1 half brother, none of us had a problem with this. Our real dad married a woman who had our half sister, she's entitled to her mom's family´s wealth.
The last story isn’t about insecurity that she doesn’t have as much as him at all, where she was coming from is that she felt bad/guilty he was paying her rent and her dogs surgery, both to her being big expenses and her thinking the fiancé was hurting himself by paying for those expenses and him saying not to worry about it was him being dismissive over the amount (because he knew he could afford to do so) however she thought it’s so she wouldn’t worry about it so much. With her thinking he made just a bit more than she did thought it would actually be hurting him financially, she felt guilty that in her mind at the time he was putting himself out of money that he may have needed just to help her. Sorry this is a whole scrambled comment, I’m only half awake and coherency is a bit much at the moment.
I hope her counselor is the kind of counselor i am....who grew up poor, struggling single mom who eill healnall her feelings.....but probably nit ve able tinstop mtaelf saying, "GIRL! YOU JUST WON THE EFFING JACKPOT!!!!"
No doubt OP is being used. 2 months after finding out this person is loaded and proposing, super suspicious. My husband has two kids brand new to their 20s and I have an 8 year old son. We get my son a gift for Xmas and due to the messy divorce he had, we don't give his kids gifts. I'm not against it. He just knows the gifts will be kept from them. (I could give more detail but I digress)
Imo, I feel like OP's hubby didn't really want all the kids to actually get ponies. I think he was trying to make a point, but totally failed. I also HATE when parents get the siblings a gift on their other child's BIRTHDAY! That day is supposed to be the one day WE get celebrated, and to give stuff to the other kids steals the birthday kid's thunder. 🤷🏽♀️ Also, trust when I say that if he's pushy about YOUR $$, RUN!! Maybe I listen to too much true crime content, but financial gain is the #1 motivator of murder. 😬 *Edited to add: I'm a 43yo mom of 2 over 18.✌🏽
She is financially helping his kids as it is her home and he is not paying rent. Also, when you move in with people, with kids, it complicates things for sure. His reaction was a very red flag as well. Nope nope nope.
OP has every right to keep her future step kids and husband out of her and her daughters inheritance. That money belongs to them and them only. I have an inheritance and do not plan to split it between a future spouse or stepkids if I ever have any. If something happens to me my inheritance would automatically go to my niece's and nephews instead and exclude any future husband and stepkids. If I were to have my own kids that is where my inheritance would go but I do not have any kids so instead my nephews and niece's would get it. It is money my parents left to me and so I would be doing what they did, keeping it within the family. I do not see anything wrong with this. I'm sure people would not agree but my parents leaving me this inheritance is to help me out. Just like my great-grandfather left an inheritance to my grandpa to help him out.
It sounds like he genuinely wants this lady to take care of his kids and he keeps saying since were getting married me and my kids deserve the money too. It seems like he really wants the money atp
I really disagree with the gf upset about money being dumb. I think what he was trying to say is that she’s upset because she felt like he was putting himself out to give to her, so she wouldn’t worry and she felt bad about it. E.g. her perspective is that she has $10 and op has $12. He pays for her $5 bill. She still has $10 but now he has $7. In her eyes he has sacrificed a lot for her, but in actual fact he had $100 so $5 is no big deal. That’s a lot of stress and guilt that would have been unnecessary, along with the miscommunication.
If she received the inhabitants during their engagement/marriage and hos kids was hers too then yes she is to share that money with him and the kids, buuut since the inhabitance was given to her before they even met, and the money was meant to be given to her (granddaughter), and his great granddaughter then that means she don't have to share anything. The finance has no right to ask for any of the inhabitants that the grandfather worked hard for. The inhabitants were given to her to pass it down to his great granddaughter, not to be spit up amongst anyone else who is not suppose to inhabitants the inhabitants
OP is not the AH The boyfriend isn’t paying rent so that makes it easier to put money aside for his kids education, also he needs to go after his children’s other parent for child support since he has the kids full time and those funds would go to the needs and care for his children. He already means to provide plenty for his kids without relying on someone else’s generational inheritance. Not the AH
Just gonna point out, "financially incompatable" does not mean he's too poor, it means they have different ideas and different priorities when it comes to money usage/financial decisions.
i can't see Grandpa wanting to give millions of dollars to kids he's never met in his life and who he doesn't know whatsoever.
Literally
Especially NOT RELATED TO
She shouldn't marry someone who thinks HIS kids are entitled to her generational wealth in the first place. If they both started at the same level: zero wealth, and combined their income to leave to all of their kids, that's different. That's why pre nuptials are an amazing invention. No rights to the money earned pre-marriage. That's perfect. No way grandpa would've wanted his money split three ways with two other kids he's never met. Most of that money would've gone to strangers. Literally two thirds. Nope. It sounds like future husband is really materialistic. She should marry someone who has the same level of wealth and wouldn't want her money.
It’s generational wealth. The Mom and the daughter are directly apart of that generation, not him and his kids. She can do what she pleases, but she should have communicated what she was going to do.
I agree. Generational wealth is blood 🩸 not married into money. So he and his children are not entitled to her generational wealth
I agree with you except for letting him know ahead of time. The inheritance has no bearing on him and his kids at all. I feel like he was just a gold digger.
Even before the talks about the generational wealth, the fiancé was immediately in the wrong. Like in a setting where the money didn't exist, OP was picking a BIRTHDAY GIFT for HER DAUGHTER and he had the audacity to say she was wasting money and then say she should buy a gift for his kids too? Like I'm sorry it's not their birthday! They have to wait until it is their birthday like everyone else with siblings.
Agreed! 👏 👏 👏 Also, buying two additional ponies for kids that don’t even ride yet? No. They can play with OP’s daughter’s pony for now.
YOU RIGHT! THAT MAN IS GONNA GIVE HIS KIDS WEIRD COMPLEXES WHERE THEY CAN'T STAND SEEING OTHERS GETTING NICE THINGS IF THEY CAN'T HAVE IT TOO! So many families I've been around operated in fear of making sure everything the kids get is equal, sole annoying ass fam members even going as far as to bring a gift for the other sibling on A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY!! A fam I'm close with that doesn't do that, the lil kids never display jealousy at each other's birthdays. They just have fun playing and eating cake.
OP and fiance are not even married yet and he is already trying to split assets? Seems fishy....
Story 1: the step family is already benefiting off the inheritance they live in the house she got from grandpa
YES!!!!!
Big respect to the mother in story 1 for having her kid's best interests in mind and saying that she is much more important to her than a man and a marriage. If they continue having problems they can separate, that would be the best.
Did you not listen to the whole story? Their mom abandoned them and only pays child support.
@@masterprick1 And how is that their stepmother's problem? She's putting her earnings into raising them. She's not at all, forced to split HER inheritance three ways with kids who are only hers by marriage. She would be giving two thirds of her grandpa's inheritance to kids he has never met in the first place. That's not fair at all.
@@iulia.bianca.b It is her problem because if she gets married to someone with full-time custody, she will be their only mom the whole time. Not once in my comment did I mention they should get any of the inheritance. I do agree with the edited version of op's comment that they should separate, just like she has to look out for her daughter he has to look out for his kids.
In the first story of she splits it evenly, his kids end up getting 2/3 of the girl’s inheritance. They would get the majority of the money that was designated for her
Even assuming the guy had the best intentions, he did an awful job of explaining what he wanted...it gave a super strong impression that he was only with her to get access to her money for his kids.
Right? They were not even together that long? Luckily she was smart, she will not fall for some romance scammer emptying her bank account.
Yea, he already got to move into HER inherited property, which is probably paid off, so he has opportunities to build funds for his own daughters. Also, this is what you get when you agree to keep finances separate. Why would all inherited money suddenly go to daughters that aren't hers when you already agreed to keep your own money.
It's not even for his kids. He's not trying to get her to spend $4000 on something his kids aren't even interested in (as a present on someone else's birthday) because he wants his kids to have them. He's just trying to be in control of her money.
I’ve yet to meet a man that doesn’t have his own best interests in mind, despite what he professes about it being in everyone’s best interest.
Bro is demanding OP give everyone a pony like she's Oprah Whinny
Story 1: the issue here isn't financial incompatiblity, there's a gap in maturity here. OP is more mature at 28 than Max is in his 30s.
I don't believe that's too much of a difference in mental maturity at those ages and they can have a mental mature conversation.
@@jacquelinewright868 what does age have to do with Max being a man child?
No, Max is a goldigger
I disagree. He has EVERY right to protect his kids from feeling less than. They don't understand the nuances of inheritance and divided finances, they will just feel like they are not loved as much.
She should have talked to him, sat with it, and then decided, because now she doesn't have any options.
@@LilFeralGangrel I'm saying that at the age of 30 he can but if he will or not is up to him. (Sorry for the late response)
It’s the daughters birthday 🎂. She gets the pony. The trusts were set up before they were serious so that’s not a discussion to be had. Financially compatibility is a real thing! Finances is one of the top reasons for divorce. She was smart for how she set it up. No - she is not the AH. We live in a weird ass world. They are living within their income means and if her grandpa was still living then this would be life.
Please consider the fact that his children also have another parent which should be responsible for giving his children what he feels they may need in the future. If anything his children are benefitting from her income at a 2 to 3 ratio then she automatically spends more on his kids anyway.
Most child support isn't that much. Unless she's making 5k a month chances are he's only getting a few hundred a month. And that's for basic living expenses. There's a reason why he and op didn't ask her to give more money for theor hobbies.
@@loveluna9653 at this time he didn't even indicate that they had any particular hobbies or more additional interest. He just wanted them to have ponies instead just for the sake of it.
@@loveluna9653 Are you taking about OP (the one with the inheritance)? Because the person you replied to was talking about OP spending her income on his kids. If so, she spends two thirds of her own income on them (her step kids). If that's not a lot, I don't know what is. She's already raising her fiance's children. They literally are NOT entitled to her inheritance. Grandpa never even met them.
NTA. Making the trusts should have been done before she met the boyfriend but is smart to have been done once engaged. Taking the money off the table and out of the relationship prior to marriage protects OP and her child (the person the money is intended for) in the future. The fact that OPs fiance was angry about the money not being easily accessible to him or his children shows he was always thinking about it when he called it "our money".
@sureenadonovanisaac4136 How does that change a thing????? 😅😂 Is the fiance entitled to her money now because he's already asked her to marry him? Is there a freaking contract before marriage? Like an engagement contract? He's entitled to literally nothing. Unless they were already married. But even then, grandpa could've specified for whom the money was, in the will. It doesn't matter who wants it, if the owner specifies who's it for.
I believe the girl friend in the one story probably also felt a little betrayed because all this time she was worried about money and about being a burden to her bf when it wasn't actually the case still a bit of an overreaction on her part but she probably just felt taken back with alot of different emotions that she didn't react well. 🤷🏼♀️
I suspect this as well! I think that because she interpreted, “it’s no big deal,” as him downplaying the financial impact of him helping her , she definitely still would have worried, felt guilty and so on, so realising that she actually need not have worried at all would cause her to go back through all those feelings. She now needs to re-reconcile those with this new information.
Not to mention, $160k is a LOT of money to those of us who grew up with little to no money, she has to reconcile her feelings of him hiding that from her, along with dealing with any trauma this could have opened up for her regarding finances. That kinda trauma can be hard to deal with.
Inheritance is none of his concern and he not entitled to none of it.
Equity over equality. Everyone should have the same opportunities, but if your kids don't have the same interests, it's not smart to give the other sibling something just because the other one has it. OP's kid is actually interested in what her mom got her, meanwhile the fiance just cares about things being "fair" even though his kids never even mentioned or cared much about the interest that OP's kid has for horses. When it comes to the generational wealth situation, it should be distributed how the person wanted it to be. The fiance and any future partner needs to understand that's OP's and the daughters money, nobody else's and that's how it was supposed to be distributed
To be fair, I doubt he meant it literally. But yes, if they get married, they should all have the same opportunities. Does she think that his kids will drain all of her money? Also, is her money just sitting in an account and she won't have any extra?
I can see how his kids would feel less if the daughter is driving a luxury car and they just got the beater his dad could afford for them and stuff like that, but OP could tone stuff like that down and Max should shut up before his kids get even less when he has to find his own place to live and spend a good chunk of the money he once had available for them on rent.
Just kick out the man and marry someone who isn't a gold digger
May the fiancé is claiming shit that’s not his. Might be a gold digger
The fact he was going through her draws, yes
Story 1: NTA. He's not doing it for his kids, because it's not even something they want. He just wants to feel in control of her money because the financial imbalance makes him feel insecure and jealous. Why is OP even with this man? She can't be this desperate. Even if he signed a prenup it doesn't mean it'll stop him from acting entitled about her money. Heck getting married will almost certainly make him even worse. He's showing her what he's really like and how he really feels about the financial imbalance.
As far as the "all the kids deserve stuff" People don't get presents on their siblings birthday. Especially not the exact present their sibling asked for that they aren't interested in. Never mind getting presents on someone's birthday who isn't even your step sibling yet. That idea is beyond ridiculous and incredibly entitled. (Unless you come from a culture that gives presents to everyone or something, but that's clearly not where OP is from)
Story 1 - the SMARTEST think OP did was set up those trusts very quickly as soon as the fiance expressed his designs on the money
The mom in story one did everything right. Max and his kids have no right to the money. Her daughter and her quality of life should come first always.
Story 1: NTA. I feel like he felt entitled to your inheritance or money in general, seeing as to how he called your money “OUR MONEY”. And a huge red flag to him going through your personal financial paperwork and then to get mad at you for not including him (a boyfriend, not husband) and his children (which are not yours) in your inheritance trusts. This “it’s not fair for us that you have all this money you get to spend” attitude is childish. If he wants a better life for his kids, well he’s just gonna have to work harder. He’s already getting free housing staying with you with his kids at your grandfather’s house and only paying half of any bills. If he’s working he should start thinking of saving for the future of his kids, instead of crying about gifts HE thinks his kids deserve even though it’s not their birthday nor do they show interest in.
I say boyfriend because I see fiancé as just a fancy way of saying a boyfriend, with a ring, that a person might get married to. Fiancés don’t always become husbands 😅🤷🏻♀️
Story 3: she shouldn’t have gotten mad out of insecurity but I get it because when I realized my boyfriend then (husband now) had a lot more money than I did I started to cry out of insecurity because I was too poor for him. I felt bad that I could never contribute like him to help and that I had a lot of college debt. I was scared that his family would never accept me because I saw too many novelas as a child depicting that. We talked it out that night and I thought we settled it.
Turns out the first three years of marriage we argued over finances and I was right 😂. But over time we overcame financial struggle differences and are finally one. But it definitely took time. So insecure young me was right to worry but it was only over a few future arguments we would have and overcome together
Story 1: The step siblings will hate each other and it’s setting up the family dynamics for failure. I agree with waiting until the child is grown before marriage. It’s less confusing for the kids
Thank you! Yes! It is either a YTA for not considering her step children at all OR NAH.
NTA why should she communicate an inheritance that has nothing to do with the husband or his kids. She is right they aren't financially compatible
Grandpa died 2 years ago… boyfriend moved in just over 1 year ago… proposal was 2 months ago… this was not a decision made and executed in haste… we don’t even know if it happened before or after the proposal, just that he found out afterwards. His insistence is a red flag to me. Besides, it’s too late. She can’t undo it. Can he live with it or not?
Story 1: There's no way every kid should get a pony. But every kid should be encouraged to pursue their interests. Baseball camps and football camps get really expensive too! Things don't need to be equal to be equitable. She could have also rented a horse until her daughter was much older, but what do I know. Disagree with both Sam and John that things should be equal. I spent most of my inheritance on my ex-husband and I totally regret it!
NTA for both stories. Money influenced their reactions as they don't see it as a private thing. Money makes people look at them differently. Like both fiancees, seeing that money and then seeing OP differently rather than seeing what the relationship was built on in the first place.
Putting a price amount on the relationship rather than how much the emotional and caring weight of the actions were done by OP. Money should be out of the equation until OP is sure they can trust their partner to be aware, yes the money was hidden but it was built with a future in mind, family, house, kids and now them as a partner (not the amount in their account they bring to the table).
Nta what makes him think that those funds had anything to do with him. She was correct in putting it in trusts to be safe
This is the first time I have been taken aback by y’all’s response I’m shook. The last post about being upset about “hidden” money”. Her being in her head after finding out such news is completely valid. It’s not wrong it’s not right it’s valid. It’s the whole “they gave you 20 when they had 200 and I gave you 10 when I had 10” having to step back and make sure that he’s still a loving caring man finding out all his generosity you’re still grateful for was in fact generosity. Mixed with her new insecurity of not being worthy and being behind in life and reassess their memories to make sure his heart is pure and isn’t in shady dealings you didn’t see the red flags for until now is completely enough to stare off into space for a few days. I’m happy everything worked out for them I completely understand his side he’s valid as well. This is one of those random guy complimenting your shirt and then start wondering if he’s talking about your boobs situation neither was wrong. I still love y’all’s podcast but dang y’all did her dirtyyyyy 24:03
Yes it is valid however it wasn't exactly hidden money. It would yes be hidden money if they were married with shared finances. But they aren't. As an example my partner & I years ago dated then split up only to get back together 6 years ago as I had some serious growing up to do (I broke up with him as I came to that realization & we separated amicably) make roughly about the same amount, I still make less, but he doesn't have savings while I do. I worked very hard with myself as money was a big issue for me, didn't understand the value of a dollar. So during the 2 years we were split I saved as much as possible & still put in some money per paycheck even after we got back together.
We have been together for (even including the time before the 2 year separation) collectively 10 years now but we only talked about finances like savings & such 3 years ago as we felt that was the right time as we were basically wanting to start settling & wanting to move out of state. Don't have plans on getting married till after we have moved & own a house. That's when I told him about my savings & how much I had; he was surprised but mainly proud that I managed to save up so much as he is unable to due to college debt (I never went to college therefore no debt). He was really proud overall of how much I had grown since we had 1st started dating before the break. He doesn't feel like I would have been hiding anything as it was my money to begin with, not his.
I was also disappointed. I've never disagreed with them like this before. They went full into her.
@@IzzyCoventina hidden money in quotations means I’m quoting the post not making a separate statement agreeing with its sentiment
I agree with her definition of 'financial incompatibility', it's a broad definition. They're financial priorities and responisbilites are different, they don't align and are incompatible with one another. It has nothing to do with status and it's not an insult.
My husband and I have different financial responsibilities and priorities but they aren't incompatable even if I make double what he makes.
He was demanding without asking right away so she put in a failsafe.
Not married, not siblings.
In most states, inheritances aren't considered marital property unless there is a clear joining of the funds. In those cases, she would just need to keep him off of those accounts and create a new joint account for their marital finances and she would be covered, however, having the trusts helps to really cement that fact. These two aren't financially compatible. They view money in different ways and it's clear that she is the more mature between them. Even with the trusts, she needs to sit down and really reconsider marrying this guy, highly likely get into couples counselling, and be sure to have an ironclad prenup before actually marrying him.
Story 1: OP is not the asshole. As a mom of 2 I would never expect a man I would marry to share his inheritance. If he would do so out of his own free will, sure. But if I would in no way feel entitled to any of it. If that was me I would be extremely grateful to be able to live rent free, that already frees up funds that I could use on the kids that I otherwise would not have been able to. In general I don't think people should ever feel entitled to other people's money.
s1: NAH. OP wants to take care of her daughter and that's 1000% fine. But there's undeniable dissonance being created. I'm not saying OP should share her wealth but I understand why her fiance felt the need to speak up. Them and their kids are a family now, marriage or not. One kid getting everything and others just looking from the sidelines is bound to create a poor relationship between the kids, especially kids that young who don't yet understand how it all works. They'd just see their sister having gifts they could only dream of. Worse, even, if OP's kid would start taunting fiance's kids over it. Children can be really mean. It's a sticky situation. And it doesn't help OP jumps the gun like her fiance is her enemy. He might be a gold digger or he might be just a guy who's in love with her but also afraid of uneven dynamic between kids because his kids would be the ones to get the short end of the stick.
I'm glad to see someone not jumping the gun and treating the fiance like a gold digger. Many people in the comments miss how this will affect the relationship of the kids and how it could be detrimental almost exclusively to his children.
But his kids will get their share... it just won't be from the inheritance. OP and her partner are living in a paid off estate and she kept 30% of the inheritance for herself anyway. Her and her partner both work... OP isn't even in her 30s yet. They have plenty of time to build up finances together to ensure his kids also get an inheritance when OP and her partner pass. They just should not have to give them HER daughter's inheritance.
5:31 doesn’t he have two kids and she have one why should she buy two extra ponies?
I’m sorry, but if I was in his situation, and my partner had generational wealth, I was not going to be expecting my partner to give my kids that lifestyle. I was probably actually going to try to take that moment to explain to them that like people have to work hard for what they get and we can get there too but it’s just that we happen to marry into a family that’s been doing that work for generations you know and they’re not entitled to that like it that’s how I was raised I guess but I don’t think she’s asshole
She’s keeping her word to her grandfather😅
Would not get married. Wait till kids are all over 30 and see where your relationship is
Thanks for addressing the Silent Treatment issue. This is something I've been having issues with my wife as of late. In her case is a trauma response, as she's used to being belittled, ignored and even gaslighted by previous partners. But in my case it's also triggering as this was the way my so-called "friends" (AKA Bullies, I know now) used to "punish" me for behaving in any way they disliked.
Max is a golddigger, that's all. Grandpa's money is not for other kids he hasn't even know. I don't get how could I get generational wealth and somehow I had to split it among her boyfriend's kids
She lived with those kids for only ONE year, she didn’t raise them. It’s absolutely CRAZY to think after such a short period of time that he expects her to split the daughter’s inheritance with THEM? absolutely INSANE. Her child grew up with the grandpa and he loved her. He’s overstepping by even asking. They split everything else before only considering their working wage why be offended that that’s how things will stay after? I don’t think they should get married at all actually. The only upside I can think of is taxes. They aren’t going to have children together so they should keep things just the way they are. If he wants to give his kids the sweet life he should get a loan and start a business on his own
Also he gets child support from his ex wife for his kids. I doubt he would think it was ok to spend that money on her daughter. His kids will be taken care of with equal money from her and max and some from his ex wife. If you dont need that money for immediate needs (which it sounds like he doesnt) then put all child support into high interest saving account or bonds to be their schooling fund. No one should be assuming daughter is going to be getting crazy better gifts all the time just because she is getting a pony for her birthday because she has been riding for years. His kids arent even interested in riding and if dad wasnt making big deal about it would probably be fine once told their birthday presents will be tailored to their interests and that if they wanna try riding they can get lessons
Op is not the ahole. Inheritance is not split in a divorce. It is 💯 the inheritors
TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER AND MONEY AND RUN OP, RUN FAR AWAY FROM THAT GOLD DIGGER!!🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️
OP and get daughter needs to get on that horse, and get away faster!!! 🐎🐎🐎🐎
He wants to do a prenup. How is he a golddigger when he is making sure he doesn't receive anything?
Story 1: "our money" 😂 if she comes into the marriage with it generally she goes out of the marriage with it.
Also to "make things fair" Are his kids interested in ponies? Do they know how to ride or would they be interested in learning etc. equal not fair.. but equal doesn't mean the exact same...The one kid might love hockey and the other soccer or ballet or playing an instrument etc. why not make it a thing when they turn a certain age they get a big present or soemthing?
Regardless, it is her money to do with what she wants. They aren't officially married yet when the mom got the money nor now.
Also did she make the trusts 2y ago when she got the money or just now? Because 2y ago they were only 2y into their relationship and not necessarily talking marriage etc and they def weren't living together as per OP saying they have been living together for a year and are just newly engaged.
If they hadn't been together at all when she recieved the money and the house etc. would this still be an issue?
Really curious when the trusts were set up. Either way though OP is not the asshole. Having to share the pony if they are interedted to be is a good compromise. There is jothing that is saying the daughter will get whatever she wants ir ve spoiled. That money is coming from the grandpa and OP's view is that any gifts she gets from it etc. Are really from the grandpa...
The first one, he sounds like a gold digger.
His kids are not her kids unless she adopts them. They have a mother who pays support for them even if she doesn't see them.
Her money is her money.
The trusts are a great idea because he can't get his hands on them.
She was not rash. She was protecting her money.
😂😂😂😂😂
I think the fiancé is funny to assume that the wealth would go to him and his kids too.
I can understand the financial situation, but not including the inherited wealth that was given before she was with him. He was definitely in the wrong. I am happy she did what did. I would have done something similar, and giving her daughter a pony for her birthday should have not been an issue. I wouldn't be surprised if she left him.
Edit: OP is not the ask hole btw. She was in the right all the way through.
About the guy keeping how much money he had from his fiancé, I would be insecure ab a different question. If -*Person A* only has a penny & gives me a penny in my time of need & *Person B* gives me $10 in my time of need, but has 1 million, I would look at their sacrifices differently. She thought he was sacrificing so much more in her time of need than he was. Not that should matter but it gives her a different perspective on it.
Yeah i get her. It's great they worked it out. But she counted his help as proof of his love and I'm not saying it is not either way no matter his funds, but she was picturing him struggling on Ramen so her dog could live and it just added some intensity and sacrifice to his actions that made her feel extra grateful and like he'd always put her above his needs. At any rate she's marrying a responsible rational man who loves her and is preparing properly to build a family and legacy. They'll be fine. And being ahead of the curve is a great relationship hiccup.
I can understand some semblance of frustration as far as communication and envy about finances however I don't believe its mandatory to openly detailing intimate financial details until it's serious enough to discuss marriage/some form of hard established relationship permanence. My boyfriend and I have been together 2 year's and have been open and honest the whole time and im envious of his very strong financial responsibility but he's working with me to develop this same level of discipline. I don't feel entitled to his money i know if i need help he will help usually more so in the form of advice first and honestly I really appreciate and respect that. We're talking about getting a house together and we both agree theres work to put in first. Keeping separate finances and separate beliefs on how to communicate about it doesn't mean disrespect or hiding it. Learn how to compromise while agreeing to disagree.
She was right, he was wrong. Period. She doesn’t owe him shit.
What bothers me about story 1 is the fact that they think it's okay to even ask for even a tiny part of that money. The red flag for me is that op told her fiance that not all of the money was in a trust for her daughter, but he was still specifically focused on the daughter's money even though OP had set money aside for herself and home expenses. I get wanting everyone to be "equal" but this wasn't a random gift for no reason, it was for the daughter's birthday. Does that mean that on the other kid's birthdays op's daughter gets a gift too? The marriage won't work if he has a poor man's mentality.
Imma just say it. Fiancé is a gold digger because that wasn’t even his money and I doubt if the grandpa was alive he’d be bold enough to demand it like that. So idk I personally feel like she’s NTA because she’s still helping with her income and as long as they’re married then they would be fine financially.
Story 1. Fiance is financially illiterate, him and his children have no claim to that money. He a gold digger
I am lower middle class, don't have a trust fund, could never dream of getting my daughter a pony. I do not think she is the asshole. I know some people wanna say it was assholish to do it all so quickly, but she makes a good point. She has the resources to have it done quickly, probably a accounting team of some kind that gave her proper legal advice and it seems like she took the best advice for the sake of her and her daughters well being. Now a few people are saying she should care about Max's kids too. Well I believe she does. She is essentially giving her daughter the inheritance she was meant to have from her grandfather. It was his intent to give it to her but of course she was too young to actually inherit it and he knew op would do what was best for her daughter (not the kids grandpa never got to even meet) until she was able to use it herself. No pun intended, but that money is grandfathered in. She is obviously willing to give all her love and energy and income towards these kids. She is just not willing to give something that wasn't hers to give to these kids just because she is marrying their dad. That wasn't the intent the grandfather had for that money. I also know sam said the income compatibility was a little iffy but honestly I see her point. If this is something that is significant to him, if money and finances are a big part of his life and the struggle his kids will face versus the easier time ops daughter might have is going to bring resentment, then ya, they're not compatible. And that is because of their individual wealth or lack there of. Its not because of their personalities or lack of love or any disagreement besides their individual incomes and how it will affect their kids. I think it's a shitty situation but i don't think anyones the ass here.
I actually have an edit, Max's a bit of an ass tbh. I see where he's coming from but if I bought my daughter a basketball, my significant other wouldn't come up and be like "you should get my daughter's basketballs too" no it's not their birthday....it's hers....and they don't all need to have the same things....or the same opportunities to make the best and have the best kind of life. Its ridiculous he would ask her to do something like this tbh
I am pretty sure the first story is the same as one from the past....just letting you know ❤
Do HIS kids even WANT ponies? Do THEY know how to ride? If his kid decides they want archery classes, does HER daughter have to go to? To make it "fair"? It was her daughter's birthday, so the gift was thought out for her.
Story 1 - so NTA. OP sounds financially smart and responsible after learning so much from her experiences and her grandfather. She probably would have set up the trust funds much sooner if she hadn’t met Max yet.
Financial compatibility is not whether two people have the same amount of cash in the bank. It’s a level of understanding with financial planning and spending two partners HAVE to be on the same page on. The #1 cause of disagreements in relationships comes from how couples handle their money. Thank goodness OP saw this now. It’s possible Max could learn over time but it’s not guaranteed, so if anything OP potentially dodged a bullet.
Telling someone that your family is worth is between 5 and 100 million casually is wild.
It's the video a repost? The first story is already on the channel😮
I knew I had heard it before!
In terms of finances with partners, I set up our budget to be based off what we make from our respective jobs. Anything that we make in addition (side jobs, inheritance, etc) is our money to be used how we want to, the only thing that we do is tell eachother what we are using it for and it has worked well so far. My husband has/had land that he owns exclusively and if he sells it, he decides where the money goes. He is also in line for a large inheritance and we discuss what we can spend it on but the decision ultimately lies with him.
Story 1 - fiance is a gold digger. OP needs to cancel the wedding and find a less materialistic partner.
Story 1.
I want you two you understand that the grandfather took OP and the daughter in, but he only took her in COZ of the daughter, so he only gave the inheritance coz it in the end was for his granddaughter and she made all the trust funds before she met Max as far ai heard from the story.
But the daughter takes riding lessons and it might seem like OP is the one giving her daughter a pony, but in the end the gift is from the grandfather since the pony is paid from the money he left her.
Many grandparents aren't gifting the partners kids, mostly coz they aren't blood related , some make a choice to gift them too, but if they can't afford it, they won't.
But no matter what's the inheritance should never be put out as an income to finance him or his kids, she is sharing her income and they can buy the kids gifts that fits that budget, if he wants his kids to get bigger gifts then he can get an extra job or put a bit more aside, but it's not her job to make sure they get bigger gifts and who says that the kids gets huge gifts every single yeah. This was coz she is taking riding lessons and they are going for a certain school, his two kids has never shown interest.in riding, so why on earth should they even have one each. Just remember that if she even could change the inheritance, would her fear then evolve her thoughts to: "is he only staying coz she gives them bigger gifts and pays for a better school" Coz that can very fast become the thoughts If so.
But she should just give them lots of attention and care for them. And he should raise his kids to not be jealous of other people's money and she hopefully raises her daughter to be kind, share and never brag about what she has.
Think of it this way, if they split, his kids won't have access to any of it anyway, so another thought, what if his kids was treated just a big with huge gifts too from the inheritance and they then one day split, his kids will get a bigger shock coz they suddenly wont get that then.
So no she shouldn't share the money just like that. Sure they can save up for a vacation and if she decides to put a bit extra from the inheritance to make the trip a bit better, that would just be super cool and kind of her to do. But no, she will absolutely never be an @$$h0|€ in any way shape or form!!!
I think OP in the first story needs to maybe rethink this marriage partnership and she def needs to get a prenup. That money was hers and in her family before the guy and his kids came along. As long as she is splitting their bills 50/50 and not mistreating his children or spoiling the absolute shit outta hers, I don’t understand what the problem is with her puttin HER inheritance away for HER child’s future.
listen she was think of doing the pony for her daughters birthday since she was learning how to ride already so this dude was saying oh well even though its your daughter's birthday and that is an expensive thing to do you have to have to get my daughters ponys as well because its only fair like dude her daughter's birthday isnt about your kids if thats what op wants to do for her daughter then thats 100% up to op the dude needa to not make ops daughter birthday about his kids and if you stay with this selfish guy prenud
So... she was only dating the fiancé for 2 years at that point and they weren't engaged. Why would she have talked about her inheritance money with a boyfriend, or set any aside for a boyfriend's kids? It's hers and they weren't even engaged for another 2 years, let alone married.
Op decided this all before him, before marrying him and it’s already been divided up and trust funded. Op can’t touch it legally and the fiancée is the a-hole. He can’t expect her inheritance to go to his kids.
Story 1: she gifted her daughter a horse for her birthday, not just because she "has" the money. It's not his children's birthdays. With that, then she has every right to ask him that they can go in together on it. I see his point on marrying. Once they are married, they can discuss setting strict boundaries, every relationship has what is okay, who pays for what etc etc.
Story 2: OP didn't do anything wrong. My parents told my brother and I about finances and who we could or couldn't talk about this. My husband and I began talking about finances when we became engaged (wedding cost and about family planning). OPs fiancé I see her point, but I think she could've brought up and asked him about how "helping" her made her worry about his financial status with helping her. Yes, get couples therapy it'll help.
I don’t think the silent treatment was the right reaction, but coming from personally being in a relationship where there is a significant income gap it does always make you feel like you need to prove your worth so I see where she is coming from emotionally I think in this one you guys kinda show where you haven’t come from the bottom and had to work your way up…
You guys don't post enough!
My mom made mutual funds for my sister and I that we couldn't access until we were 21, and it was a really smart idea! She just bought a house and I use mine to pay off my student loans and build my credit!
She should have set up the trusts before...like as soon as she inherited it.
First story sounds like the guy just trying to marry her to get his hands on that money.
I think with the story where OP is 24 and has savings there's a bit of her being upset around him vs her being upset at him going on. Like it seemed she needed time to process and maybe because of those feelings she wasn't able to communicate it well instead of maliciously ignoring him to punish him. I don't think they were ever vs each other, OP just felt like maybe that's how she felt and they just needed to decompress together a little
I also wanna add about the second story, I know you guys are a bit confused why she was upset I just think she was taking his gestures as meaning a lot because she thought this was a lot to be doing for something and she was now realizing he didn't even think about it. It wasn't an act like "I am gonna do anything an everything, even put myself out for her, to help her out" but it was more "oh I have spare change, guess I'll pass it to ya. No biggie." I think this is just miscommunication and deffinetly a lack of trust and confidence for her. She needs to be more sure in herself and her relationship because this level of communication isn't something that is expected in most relationships. She has insecurities and needs to communicate those to him so he can act accordingly. Asking him to just know what he needs to disclose and not disclose, what is a big deal to her and what isn't, is ridiculous. He ain't a mind reader. if finances are important to you, you need to voice thatm
Story 1: NTA, I've seen this kind of scenerio before but with a Karen, and let me tell you that if OP would have given in, HER daughter would be miserable because her Ex's children who would begin to believe they deserve everything OP daughter gets all because daddy said so.
Plus it ain't HIS money, its OP's money and she has the right to do whatever she wants with it.
Demanding to share a birthday gift with children who don't show interest in that kind of gift is both an entitled and red flag move!
Her Ex may not realize it, but he was acting like a gold digger! Especially when he found out about the trust fund and inheritance, that was none of his business since he nor his kids are touching that money!💢
Story 1 OP is nta she made a smart move
The money is already in a trust. It cannot be given to anyone else. It’s already in a trust there are rules for those kinds of things.
Inheritance is shared if it’s “mixed”. It must be kept completely separate, which the trust does. And in many states, someone who makes material upgrades to your home can claim a stake in it or can claim co-ownership. And some states will just divide EVERYTHING equally, regardless of who brought what into a marriage.
Also, just raise all the kids middle-class. If his kids ask at some point, her grandpa made that trust for her daughter.
Unpopular opinion her inheritance doesn't need to be discussed with him. She puts money in from her pay check. Her inheritance is the money from her grandfather and should stay in the bloodline. Its generational wealth. He had no right to ask for it or her to spend it on those other kids. She's splitting what she makes not what she has. Alot of people do that. I wouldn't ask my partner to spend her inheritance on me or my kids. If she chooses to, thats great, but she's still helping with her paycheck and im living in her house. The kids should get an explanation that the money being used is from step-sis's grandfather and it can't be helped that its for her. Its like how did he find out about the money? I would've waited until after marriage.
Think about if it had been him with the inheritance and he wanted to spend that kind of money on his kids---would she have wanted him to spend the money on her daughter or would she expect him to just hand the money over to make it fair???
Story 2: Dumb
Op 1 is NTA. Inheritance is not your partners business unless you want to have that conversation with them. It sounds like op did exactly what her grandfather would've wanted her to do. She isnt yet married.
Didn’t she get the inheritance before she even met him?
Yes normally inheritance is split between partners unless you decide to bring it in the marriage.
What some people do for the down payment of the house or some new renovations.
Once that happened it will be split when a divorce takes place.
Wow, it was only $160k.. not a million dollars!! She should have been HAPPY for the extra financial cushion 🤷🏼♀️
She finds out that he's good with money, and she's upset. Smh
I’m sorry but inheritance money should honor the last will of the dead person. To me is bs saying the kids will it have equal opportunities. Worker harder as a team to provide for all your children equally.
I can see how buying one kid lots of stuff while the others get nothing can build resentment. In this regard I agree with the husband. However, finances and how you raise kids should always be a discussion before you agree to marry. I honestly don‘t understand how people don‘t talk about that earlier!
View from a step kid, my step dad had 3 sons, 2 from his first wife, 1 with my mother. Mom had 3 kids when they married, (2 female, ! male). Our step dad (the guy who raised all 6 of us) left the family farm to our 2 step brothers and 1 half brother, none of us had a problem with this. Our real dad married a woman who had our half sister, she's entitled to her mom's family´s wealth.
The last story isn’t about insecurity that she doesn’t have as much as him at all, where she was coming from is that she felt bad/guilty he was paying her rent and her dogs surgery, both to her being big expenses and her thinking the fiancé was hurting himself by paying for those expenses and him saying not to worry about it was him being dismissive over the amount (because he knew he could afford to do so) however she thought it’s so she wouldn’t worry about it so much. With her thinking he made just a bit more than she did thought it would actually be hurting him financially, she felt guilty that in her mind at the time he was putting himself out of money that he may have needed just to help her.
Sorry this is a whole scrambled comment, I’m only half awake and coherency is a bit much at the moment.
I hope her counselor is the kind of counselor i am....who grew up poor, struggling single mom who eill healnall her feelings.....but probably nit ve able tinstop mtaelf saying, "GIRL! YOU JUST WON THE EFFING JACKPOT!!!!"
lets go okop !!!
No doubt OP is being used. 2 months after finding out this person is loaded and proposing, super suspicious. My husband has two kids brand new to their 20s and I have an 8 year old son. We get my son a gift for Xmas and due to the messy divorce he had, we don't give his kids gifts. I'm not against it. He just knows the gifts will be kept from them. (I could give more detail but I digress)
The audacity, I'm never telling anyone about my finances except the boys
Story #1 Dude is a gold digger
Imo, I feel like OP's hubby didn't really want all the kids to actually get ponies. I think he was trying to make a point, but totally failed. I also HATE when parents get the siblings a gift on their other child's BIRTHDAY! That day is supposed to be the one day WE get celebrated, and to give stuff to the other kids steals the birthday kid's thunder. 🤷🏽♀️ Also, trust when I say that if he's pushy about YOUR $$, RUN!! Maybe I listen to too much true crime content, but financial gain is the #1 motivator of murder. 😬
*Edited to add: I'm a 43yo mom of 2 over 18.✌🏽
She is financially helping his kids as it is her home and he is not paying rent. Also, when you move in with people, with kids, it complicates things for sure. His reaction was a very red flag as well. Nope nope nope.
OP has every right to keep her future step kids and husband out of her and her daughters inheritance. That money belongs to them and them only. I have an inheritance and do not plan to split it between a future spouse or stepkids if I ever have any. If something happens to me my inheritance would automatically go to my niece's and nephews instead and exclude any future husband and stepkids. If I were to have my own kids that is where my inheritance would go but I do not have any kids so instead my nephews and niece's would get it. It is money my parents left to me and so I would be doing what they did, keeping it within the family. I do not see anything wrong with this. I'm sure people would not agree but my parents leaving me this inheritance is to help me out. Just like my great-grandfather left an inheritance to my grandpa to help him out.
It sounds like he genuinely wants this lady to take care of his kids and he keeps saying since were getting married me and my kids deserve the money too. It seems like he really wants the money atp
I really disagree with the gf upset about money being dumb. I think what he was trying to say is that she’s upset because she felt like he was putting himself out to give to her, so she wouldn’t worry and she felt bad about it. E.g. her perspective is that she has $10 and op has $12. He pays for her $5 bill. She still has $10 but now he has $7. In her eyes he has sacrificed a lot for her, but in actual fact he had $100 so $5 is no big deal. That’s a lot of stress and guilt that would have been unnecessary, along with the miscommunication.
If she received the inhabitants during their engagement/marriage and hos kids was hers too then yes she is to share that money with him and the kids, buuut since the inhabitance was given to her before they even met, and the money was meant to be given to her (granddaughter), and his great granddaughter then that means she don't have to share anything. The finance has no right to ask for any of the inhabitants that the grandfather worked hard for. The inhabitants were given to her to pass it down to his great granddaughter, not to be spit up amongst anyone else who is not suppose to inhabitants the inhabitants
OP is not the AH
The boyfriend isn’t paying rent so that makes it easier to put money aside for his kids education, also he needs to go after his children’s other parent for child support since he has the kids full time and those funds would go to the needs and care for his children. He already means to provide plenty for his kids without relying on someone else’s generational inheritance. Not the AH