Most of my life, my family, past partners, ex-friends always blame me with everything. But when I hurt them back or I get mad I am the worst one. So I stay away and re-start my life with my two children away from them its hard when they pop up at some social media I have because of mutual friends…..
Hey Internalizer here!! You read me like a book, to the T. This is exactly what was happening to me through my last relationships and how I interact with other people. I'll be looking at all your videos now, so I can stop this madness of self-neglect. I am done putting myself last. Thank you!
I'm an internalizer (or an anxious attachment style). Initially in my relationship with an externalizer (an of course, dismissive avoidant), we both expressed our deepest fears and needs. In time, his needs became paramount, and when I expressed mine (which I never really stopped doing, even though in ways to try not to antagonize him), I only got to hear in what ways he was justified to treat me that way, and that I should make more efforts. I still tried to express my needs, only to get him to threaten to break up, and eventually sort of do it. To make a long story short, as I'm working on my attachment wounds, I have to deal with what's traditionally been the most difficult for me. Right now, he's been away from home for almost 3 weeks, and even though when he left we were on ok terms, he's talked to me as if he was angry at me yesterday (we 've had barely any contact since he left, so nothing's changed since he left). Traditionally, he's more pissed off when he leaves, and soften up in time, so I don't understand why he'd seem angrier now. As part of my work to stop being the internalizer/ anxious/ pursuer, I just deal with it without trying to contact him. That's probably why I'm watching your videos. Also, thank you for your video about the secure attachment style, where you explain how it is to be with a secure partner, I've never experienced it, and it helps me renounce my current relationship. You deserve to be known more!
I appreciate the kind words. It can definitely be difficult to let go of bad relationships, but you will indeed be much happier if you can replace him with someone better. I too have been in relationships with partners that blame other people for everything that goes wrong and it is difficult to make them work.
@@CoachJohnBush thank you for the encouragement. I feel like I'm brainwashed, so hearing the same opinion from various sources helps me believe that the potential I've been fighting for is just a fantasy, that there's nothing I can do to get the loving relationship I thought we'd have with him. My friends,family, and his own brother have told me to leave him for a year now. And again, thanks for the video about how it is to be with a secure partner. Among all the Attachment styles content creators that's I've watched, you're the only one who ever described that. I don't know if you take video suggestions but I'll put one in there: I'd love to know more about how secure people behave in a relationship. For people like me, there's no way to know how secure people behave and think. I think I was raised to be anxious preoccupied, but from the age of 7 until now, I've been in relationships with people treating me in ways that triggered my emotional system to the extreme (basically as I'm worthless and will always be there when they want me around, so I will accept almost anything). Just to give my own example, even though I do think that the way I was raised made me lack self-confidence, the first damaging relationship I had was with this girl in my school. We were "best friends" for 10 years (at least we called each other that), and I really loved spending time with her. When we were 8, she started suddenly stonewalling me for unknown reasons. She started doing fairly regularly. This started and familiarised the whole cycle of extreme anxiety, me trying by any means to ask her what I had done wrong to be able to repair and so we'd get along again. I learnt how to beg for someone to deign to listen to me, and hear really hurtful things (such as one that I had never heard before and shocked me because of how vulgar it sounded to my 8-year-old ears, and how cold it was. When I was in such distress after trying to get her not to hang up the phone on me, or talk to me at school, and she'd say "Cry, you'll piss less.") She was probably raised to be like that, but from that young age, I learnt to endure being talked to with coldness when I'm hurting deeply and trying to fix things I don't even know I did wrong. To this day, being treated like this triggers the pain in my chest and stomach and I try very hard not to cry (I often end up crying anyway, but try to suppress as much as possible, not to antagonize my ex). I can't be the only one who needs to know how secure people react to people suddenly refusing to talk to them without telling the reason why, with people always putting the responsibility of coming up to solutions and winning them back over, when THEY offended you, and such behaviours. Also, I need to understand how secure people respond to reasonable requests and reactions, as well as how they respond to excessive expectations and reactions. I notice that this lifelong "become abusable training" reflects in the way I work a lot. In my current job, it's appreciated. But people call me a perfectionist very quickly (again today, just talking with someone from the office I had never talked to before, it took her 5mn to call me a perfectionist). My manager called me a control freak (says "it takes one to know one" ... Sadly, that's another detrimental aspect of being anxious/ lacking self-esteem : no, I don't recognize control freaks or entitled people, I don't recognise that people expect way too much from me, and rely on me too much. I keep justifying it ("it's good for the company image" "I get to practice various roles in my field, instead of being limited to one or two", "my team members don't have the ability to see the big picture", etc.) but I know I've antagonised co-workers in the past, and that because of this anxious style + ability to see very big picture, I create a lot of extra work and communicate my stress to colleagues. I need to know how to become secure for my work life, my romantic next relationship, and for myself, to bot just function but enjoy life, either with a secure partner or by myself. So that's the use cases I can present for my high-level video/series of videos. Thank you for your content, I really get peace, strength, knowledge, from the way you present information!
Those are not solely anxious or avoidant orientations. I am an avoidant leaning internalizer while my partners have tended to anxious externalizing, blamers.
I went through this crap in 2012 when a family member accused me of tearing my damn Chrysler PT Cruiser up on purpose and this family member had blamed me for dumb stuff that I didnt do.. long story short i dont say much to that family member anymore...
A video that actually holds true in real life, could you please recommend 5 books to understand all complex traits such as this (subscribed, liked & pressed the bell icon)
Yup. My whole life is full of externalisers. Im more of an internaliser, but i have my limits.I wont take too much crap for too long. Id rather be alone. I rarely ask for help because most people are selfish. I used to say i attract lame ducks.But no more. I now use words and thoughts like. "How are you going to deal with it, rather than i can help" Takes me a while not to feel guilty but i will get there..
This one person blamed me for them losing their danm job.. wasnt my fault i took this person to work a few times when my car broke down and couldnt do it anymore the blame game happens...i quit speaking to that prick.
I think it’s because some people make it up in there mind that every thought they have about any one situation is the only way to look at it and no matter what it’s infallible ,,, sad thing about this is even when the evidence and factual information supports if not solidifies the opposite of there opinion they still insist what there thought opinion or feelings about a person or situation was is correct ,,, but hey if they want to blame you for whatever nonsense they got going on in there head ,,, I wish that’s where you could leave it but the fact is there dangerous and when you try to stay away and they persist what does that make them ,,, to me the word is the problem
Most of my life, my family, past partners, ex-friends always blame me with everything.
But when I hurt them back or I get mad I am the worst one.
So I stay away and re-start my life with my two children away from them its hard when they pop up at some social media I have because of mutual friends…..
Hey Internalizer here!! You read me like a book, to the T. This is exactly what was happening to me through my last relationships and how I interact with other people. I'll be looking at all your videos now, so I can stop this madness of self-neglect. I am done putting myself last. Thank you!
Great comment😄
I get blamed for everything all the dang time and it pisses me off so much like c'mon 🤦🏾😡
Hello, I know exactly how you feel, God bless you ❤❤❤❤
I know what it is to get blamed for every lil' thing.😊😊😊
So true
Yea
Hello, I know the feeling to, it's a painful feeling, God bless you ❤❤❤❤
Im an internalizer,everything u say make a lot of sense. First time i ever heard this term.
A lot to think about. Stop being a people pleaser and know your value and worth.
My sister blamed me for everything till I found this.
I’m an internalizer, now I get it. Thanks
Thanks for this I am always blamed for things I got mad at that someone else started and I'm the one that gets in trouble
It can definitely be very frustrating.
@@CoachJohnBush it really is and it's mostly at school
that's your own damn fault Brysen
Same but for me it's mostly at home
@@raccoon874looks like we have an externalizer in our hands
This is spot 👏🏻 on 👏🏻 thank you! ❤
Finally words to the madness. Thanks so very much.
I get blamed for everything especially for bad things that have nothing to do we it especially my older son hurt full n stressful
Its so fucking sad bc people blame you for everything like even though i was saying to people but people dont even fucking understand 😔
My family treats me this way it's a shame that I have to experience this !
I'm an internalizer (or an anxious attachment style).
Initially in my relationship with an externalizer (an of course, dismissive avoidant), we both expressed our deepest fears and needs.
In time, his needs became paramount, and when I expressed mine (which I never really stopped doing, even though in ways to try not to antagonize him), I only got to hear in what ways he was justified to treat me that way, and that I should make more efforts.
I still tried to express my needs, only to get him to threaten to break up, and eventually sort of do it.
To make a long story short, as I'm working on my attachment wounds, I have to deal with what's traditionally been the most difficult for me.
Right now, he's been away from home for almost 3 weeks, and even though when he left we were on ok terms, he's talked to me as if he was angry at me yesterday (we 've had barely any contact since he left, so nothing's changed since he left).
Traditionally, he's more pissed off when he leaves, and soften up in time, so I don't understand why he'd seem angrier now.
As part of my work to stop being the internalizer/ anxious/ pursuer, I just deal with it without trying to contact him.
That's probably why I'm watching your videos.
Also, thank you for your video about the secure attachment style, where you explain how it is to be with a secure partner,
I've never experienced it, and it helps me renounce my current relationship.
You deserve to be known more!
I appreciate the kind words.
It can definitely be difficult to let go of bad relationships, but you will indeed be much happier if you can replace him with someone better. I too have been in relationships with partners that blame other people for everything that goes wrong and it is difficult to make them work.
@@CoachJohnBush thank you for the encouragement. I feel like I'm brainwashed, so hearing the same opinion from various sources helps me believe that the potential I've been fighting for is just a fantasy, that there's nothing I can do to get the loving relationship I thought we'd have with him.
My friends,family, and his own brother have told me to leave him for a year now.
And again, thanks for the video about how it is to be with a secure partner.
Among all the Attachment styles content creators that's I've watched, you're the only one who ever described that.
I don't know if you take video suggestions but I'll put one in there: I'd love to know more about how secure people behave in a relationship.
For people like me, there's no way to know how secure people behave and think.
I think I was raised to be anxious preoccupied, but from the age of 7 until now, I've been in relationships with people treating me in ways that triggered my emotional system to the extreme (basically as I'm worthless and will always be there when they want me around, so I will accept almost anything).
Just to give my own example, even though I do think that the way I was raised made me lack self-confidence, the first damaging relationship I had was with this girl in my school.
We were "best friends" for 10 years (at least we called each other that), and I really loved spending time with her.
When we were 8, she started suddenly stonewalling me for unknown reasons.
She started doing fairly regularly.
This started and familiarised the whole cycle of extreme anxiety, me trying by any means to ask her what I had done wrong to be able to repair and so we'd get along again.
I learnt how to beg for someone to deign to listen to me, and hear really hurtful things (such as one that I had never heard before and shocked me because of how vulgar it sounded to my 8-year-old ears, and how cold it was. When I was in such distress after trying to get her not to hang up the phone on me, or talk to me at school, and she'd say "Cry, you'll piss less.")
She was probably raised to be like that, but from that young age, I learnt to endure being talked to with coldness when I'm hurting deeply and trying to fix things I don't even know I did wrong.
To this day, being treated like this triggers the pain in my chest and stomach and I try very hard not to cry (I often end up crying anyway, but try to suppress as much as possible, not to antagonize my ex).
I can't be the only one who needs to know how secure people react to people suddenly refusing to talk to them without telling the reason why, with people always putting the responsibility of coming up to solutions and winning them back over, when THEY offended you, and such behaviours.
Also, I need to understand how secure people respond to reasonable requests and reactions, as well as how they respond to excessive expectations and reactions.
I notice that this lifelong "become abusable training" reflects in the way I work a lot.
In my current job, it's appreciated.
But people call me a perfectionist very quickly (again today, just talking with someone from the office I had never talked to before, it took her 5mn to call me a perfectionist).
My manager called me a control freak (says "it takes one to know one" ... Sadly, that's another detrimental aspect of being anxious/ lacking self-esteem : no, I don't recognize control freaks or entitled people, I don't recognise that people expect way too much from me, and rely on me too much. I keep justifying it ("it's good for the company image" "I get to practice various roles in my field, instead of being limited to one or two", "my team members don't have the ability to see the big picture", etc.) but I know I've antagonised co-workers in the past, and that because of this anxious style + ability to see very big picture, I create a lot of extra work and communicate my stress to colleagues.
I need to know how to become secure for my work life, my romantic next relationship, and for myself, to bot just function but enjoy life, either with a secure partner or by myself.
So that's the use cases I can present for my high-level video/series of videos.
Thank you for your content, I really get peace, strength, knowledge, from the way you present information!
Those are not solely anxious or avoidant orientations. I am an avoidant leaning internalizer while my partners have tended to anxious externalizing, blamers.
I always call them out on their bs I ain't the one
Subscribed! I'm so happy to have found your channel! Can't wait to do the work and get on the other side of this!
I went through this crap in 2012 when a family member accused me of tearing my damn Chrysler PT Cruiser up on purpose and this family member had blamed me for dumb stuff that I didnt do.. long story short i dont say much to that family member anymore...
when my parents are arguing my mum blames it on me like she did 5 mins ago....
I have always been blamed my whole life
TYSM
Very accurate...that was an eye opener...thank you
He says I blame him for everything when I’m not blaming him for anything I’m clarifying the choices he makes effects us
*_"Have You Seen This Boy?"_** ... WAYNE'S WORLD UA-cam Video **0:39*
Been there before . Give then the Eddie Haskell treatment on those .
I am always the good guy, no matter what.
A video that actually holds true in real life, could you please recommend 5 books to understand all complex traits such as this (subscribed, liked & pressed the bell icon)
So when two externalizers blame each other how do they get along without getting in conflict?
Yup. My whole life is full of externalisers.
Im more of an internaliser, but i have my limits.I wont take too much crap for too long.
Id rather be alone.
I rarely ask for help because most people are selfish.
I used to say i attract lame ducks.But no more. I now use words and thoughts like.
"How are you going to deal with it, rather than i can help"
Takes me a while not to feel guilty but i will get there..
Very helpful. Thank you.
I feel like I’m a personality chameleon ❤
(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). The Very First Chance that ADAM/MAN got He Blame the WOMBMAN
Thank you.
This is why im a introvert. Lol
This one person blamed me for them losing their danm job.. wasnt my fault i took this person to work a few times when my car broke down and couldnt do it anymore the blame game happens...i quit speaking to that prick.
I find that I’m a combination of both tbh
I think it’s because some people make it up in there mind that every thought they have about any one situation is the only way to look at it and no matter what it’s infallible ,,, sad thing about this is even when the evidence and factual information supports if not solidifies the opposite of there opinion they still insist what there thought opinion or feelings about a person or situation was is correct ,,, but hey if they want to blame you for whatever nonsense they got going on in there head ,,, I wish that’s where you could leave it but the fact is there dangerous and when you try to stay away and they persist what does that make them ,,, to me the word is the problem
Amazing
Thank you! 🙂
German flag in the thumbnail
I hadn't even thought of that, but you're right, I do use those colors a lot!
My mom and dad work together than since they both have one of them