I think it’s so comforting to know that someone else has felt, lived through and healed the fearful avoidant attachment style because from where I’m standing rn in the beginning of my journey I’m almost hopeless that I’ll reach a secure place. Thanks for sharing this insight for those of us who recognize these patterns within ourselves and want to learn how to have better relationships by reprogramming our attachment styles. It’s like you are telling the story of my life from the other side of being healed and I want to believe lll be able to achieve this for myself one day. I’ll continue to coach myself through this journey with your guidance and support.
I've been consistently watching Heidi priebe for over a year now, and I have finally been able to start to recognize where I am becoming more secure. You got this, it's about persistence, not perfection
You are SO good. Don’t worry!! There’s so many of us out here to support you and cheer you on. It is so completely possibly and step by step you’ll feel better. And MOST importantly, you’ll have connections and friendships along the way that love and accept you just as you are. Please know that! It is incredibly healing. I am sending you so much love as a fellow FA and trust me you are already good! ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for articulating this! 😢 ❤❤ I feel the same and am so very grateful for Heidi’s insights. Amazing to me how impactful the community in the comment section of her videos has been too. 🙏🏻✨❤️🩹✨🙏🏻
I was able to move from FA in 2019 to secure now. It's possible! I did shadow work and established boundaries with my family. I finally stopped feeling the urge to feel their love and grew past feeling inferior to them (after being scapegoated following abuse). My 2 abusive family members did eventually apologize after almost a year of me doing no contact with them. It isn't easy and I have been leaning heavily on faith, therapy, creativity, and reading books/watching youtube.
I was like you too but came out on the other side. You are not alone! Kinesiology and other body/nervous system-based therapy combined with CBT helped. Much courage to you it’s the best feeling to feel grounded and safe in your own body xxx
Heidi is a fucking genius. You have a true gift for articulating some of the most vulnerable perspectives with an intellectual precision that I haven't heard anywhere else in the UA-cam-sphere. The talent that you bring to communicating relational psychology concepts and perspectives has proven invaluable on my own healing journey. Thank you, Heidi. Sincerely, A Carpie.
My internal rule? Have no feelings. Uh…yeah I’m afraid to tell my partner when I have emotional needs because I’m afraid he will be angry. And I think at first he was. Because his rule was, distance yourself from somebody who has strong feelings because they will expect me to fix them. But when he ghosted me when I expressed my feelings, I said I think we have a misunderstanding. When I share feelings, I just want you to listen and hold my hand. I will fix my own feelings but I don’t want you to leave me in the cold by myself. I don’t want or need you to fix my feelings. Just be my friend. That went a long way for both of us to move into a better head space.
10:28 1. Which unconscious rules am I assuming are true here and can I check to make sure they are actually true? 10:52 2. Am I aware of how my own inconsistency might be affecting my partner and how they are responding to me? 14:39 3. Am I curious about my own fear of commitment or am I shaming myself for resisting it when I find it creeping into my awareness. 18:32 4. Am I deeply aware of what comes up for me in the moments where I feel vulnerable [feel shame around a situation]? 24:37 5. Am I looking at fault in this relationship as a very black or white thing?
Thank you for this video! This helps a lot! I wrote down all the rules I have for myself and next to them I wrote myself some encouragement like “i can handle any reaction my partner might have if i were to let go of this rule” it made me realize how much my own rules are holding me back. Some of my rules are: always being occupied. Because I was criticized as a child for being lazy. Never getting excited about something because I will likely be let down. Never relying on others. Being secretive about the entertainment I watch for fear my partner won’t like it. I was always criticized for the music and tv I watched as a child. Never be angry because the other person will meet my anger with more anger and I won’t be able to handle it. What are everyone else’s? Maybe I’m missing some
Thank you so much for sharing this. This actually helped me understand something about my ex partner. It was a conflicting experience because in one way I felt that they were selfish - because they wouldn't initiate or prioritize spending time together - But I'm realising more and more that it's because they were abandoning themselves and censoring themselves within the relationship because of their assumption that their genuine self wouldn't be acceptable. *That* was why they were simply too drained to spend more time together, and *that's* why they more and more were backing out of the relationship. There were things they'd done to break my trust which poisoned my view of everything they did as being selfish and to hurt me, when in hindsight I can see that *most* of it was them not feeling safe in themselves and in the relationship to have conflicting views or likes from me.
OMG I relate so hard to this moment when I just started looking into these topics and being "WTF is a need?!". It genuinely took me several years to wrap my head around it, and while I have a much better all around knowledge on it, when faced with it I still don't quite know what is a "need". Even within myself. My personal survival strategy was to not want and not need anything. And then be angry at myself for complete inability to make any moves or decisions. Go figure.
This! Non violent communication (nvc) has really helped me with this. 😅 learning the words, like French was how I started. Implementing is still difficult but I think ifs therapy (in ternal family system) might help me with that. Both have free videos/ audiobooks online, like: no bad parts Hope this helps someone ❤🎉 good luck to you all
@@RenskevdWaal non violent communication is so valuable. If changes everything. And taking responsibility for how you feel without blaming anyone else. So you will confront really uncomfortable feelings. Which can be yuk. But. … you can get to the source. Another type of amazing therapy is EMDR, if you experienced real fear and/or terror from a caregiver as a child.
I’m 42 and have always wondered why I get deeply depressed in long term relationships. Wish I would have known why sooner but glad I finally have an idea. Your videos are so valuable. Thank you.
@@Sreeses8768 so to follow this up; your depression has been allievisted by ending long term relationships. You being unable to sustain intimacy and so. … the self sabotage was in avoiding the depression by ending the (possibly very healthy ) relationship, thereby perpetuating the fear of intimacy and commitment. Whereas ; had you consulted the depression, you may well have found its source in your childhood, and not in the current long term relationship. (I apologise if you have already drawn that conclusion. I’m spelling it out as the “whole” story though. ) So the original trauma becomes a self fulfilling prophecy for every relationship. And your partners may well have absolutely nothing to do with the problem. And in fact may well have been a big part of the solution you could not see.
Wow, I’ve been self abandoning myself in past relationships and never realized it or could put my finger on it. And that’s why I’m afraid of committing. Because I haven’t expressed my needs or set boundaries to honor myself in relationships. This is a revelation. Thank you!
As the secure ex, with faults that I showed I was more than willing to adjust so her (oftentimes unrealistic) needs were met, I hope one day she feels safe enough to do the work so that she can find and feel comfort, safety, and peace in a future relationship. 🥺 the expectation of perfect and the black & white outlook on faults really resonated with me in this video. She definitely shared with me that she knew I was being supportive and loving and that in certain moments, I didn’t do it the exact way she wanted in order for her to feel that she was being supported and loved. & like in the video, this was often days later and I saw no indication in the moment that this was bothering her. I am a pretty intuitive person, and I can pick up on cues. She is just really good at masking these cues and/or admittedly didn’t realize until later that she didn’t like something. Since I tend to address things that frustrate me or make me feel certain ways in a pretty timely manner, whether it’s verbal or she can read a clear shift in my body language and energy, she would say things to me that were hurtful and untrue. For example, saying that only my boundaries and feelings matter and she had to bend to meet my needs. Meanwhile, her feelings and boundaries matter a lot to me. She just wouldn’t share them with me until she reached a point of contempt and things appeared irreparable to her. I still think we had a beautiful relationship and the problems we faced were completely workable and worth it to keep our relationship growing. She didn’t feel the same. I am grieving and I don’t resent her. I care about her very much, I also care about myself. While I wouldn’t have made the decision to walk away, now that it’s been made for me, I can’t rationalize pursuing or saving a relationship with someone who didn’t find what we were building to be worth staying in and working on.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I resonate so much with your ex girlfriend and I think my husband would definitely resonate with your experience. This video was enlightening and so was your share . It helps me understand my husband’s perspective and motivates me to really look at hear blind spots.
When an FA won’t do the work, and they are hurtful and lash out with misplaced contempt, it’s the most secure thing to walk away. A great many FA’s are often incredibly unfair, mean, cruel and demanding in ways they do not reciprocate or offer balance for. The “flip” of the world view and projection of their attachment insecurities is really toxic if they can’t get a hold of themselves.
@@MellowBellow1 everything you said is so true! Fortunately there are some of us FA’s that are working hard to take accountability for our hurtful misplaced behaviors and projections. I wish it was an overnight process, but depending on one’s dedication and commitment to the work and the quality of mental health care one has can be factors in the speed of recovery. Plus, what we now know about attachment theory and childhood trauma has grown exponentially in the past decade, whereas it was not nearly as researched or known about beforehand. I’m grateful to the recovering FA’s like Heidi, who are educating people so more and more healing happens and hopefully less people like you get hurt. It’s so unfair and damaging to be the recipient of all that projection which is really about their toxic parents. This channel and others like it are game changers, at least for those of us with insecure attachment styles.
@@dianeshoemaker6591 yes, some people do the work. But the response I was making was to the person who is being abused ( above ). …. And you have chimed in to defend yourself. Which missed the vital point that hurt people can hurt people. And you have not expressed empathy for the person being abused who I was replying to. .. ( I note u state it has increased your learning. … which is self serving ) so sadly your empathy is still impaired by your trauma. And you have been mis attuned to the pain expressed above. Which is insecure and self centred if you. I’m sorry you were hurt. But you are minimising someone else’s pain right now. When you can choose not to. It is never ok to tolerate or justify abuse. It is never ok to minimise abuse.
@@MellowBellow1 thank you. I agree that it was the most secure thing they could have done because they are also aware enough to recognize that they are doing this. It’s part of why I had faith she could continue doing the work. It’s seems though that we’ve not quite passed the awareness stage. The things said in those moments when she was feeling scared of her own vulnerability could absolutely be categorized as abusive. Had I been someone else I can see how those statements can take someone to a dark place. Thankfully, I have a strong enough sense of self that I was able to remind myself after the initial hurt that these are not true statements about me. I also have a small circle but a trusted one, and I wouldn’t over share but I did provide context on both sides to where they could also affirm that some of the things that were expected of me in certain scenarios are unreasonable and at times downright hypocritical to how they handle situations with me. To the other commenter, Diane. I appreciate your words. I know from conversations my ex and I had that she shares some of your sentiments. & I want to make it clear that not all of her requests/needs were unrealistic, and with the conversation(S) I fully understand how and why she feels the way that she feel. I presume most were just communicated way too late and were allowed to get to a point that-despite me listening to her and working on meeting a need in the way she can process-were dismissed because at the point she shared it, it felt as though she didn’t care if I did them now because I should have done them the way she wanted before. Again, she gave me no reason to think at those times that she found my support and love to be unfulfilling. I trusted what she would say and how she would act because I had no reason not to… until she explained it. I also shared my feelings and at times my frustrations with how the things she’s doing for self aren’t considering my thoughts or feelings on things, and I shared them because I trusted she would listen to me and it was safe to do so. I don’t have the belief that people who love me will leave because I share concerns or have a moment of vulnerability and share my hurt, which is why I felt comfortable sharing and I could see her take in my feedback and try to do better. It wasn’t until it was over that I realized she was holding resentment towards me because she felt attacked in those moments and internally defensive to feedback. This is all recent and I’m still processing which is why my algorithm is full of content to grieve both parties in the relationship. While it felt in the moment that the ground was pulled from under me and was unaware that construction was happening that day, for her this decision was made long ago and I was just caught up to the party. So these videos help me process because they validate my feelings in this dynamic and still humanize her, because she didn’t ask for this attachment style. She didn’t have the choice as a child, but as an adult only she can heal these parts of her with guidance of professionals.
Heidi, I bought your book "this is me letting you go" for my sister who just got out of an abusive, torturous 10 year relationship, and I didn't even correlate it to you, who I've been watching for a couple years, because it was on display at a local book store. She let me read it after she opened it and wow, I need a copy too. Such a beautiful book. Thank you for writing it.
I think the theory behind that is: even if we lean dismissive we still have anxious tendencies, we just tend to shift between them. I used to be alot more anxious in my teens, now I'm more dismissive. It also heavily depends on the person you're interacting with. I've been involved with people that made me overly anxious because they were avoidant, yet also people that made me overly dismissive because they were anxious
I dont know about you guys, but I seem to go from one relationship primarily anxious then flip on the next, I'd say its partly to do with partner choice, but also trying to change flaws in the last relationship... dunno, it kinda sucks lol
@3:47 that was the PERFECT way to explain how disorganized attachment develops. My dad is an alcoholic (sober 4 years, hes 71 y/o now). Typical story but he was so much fun when he was sober, but became abusive, rageful, and reclusive whenever he relapsed (which was often). All I remember is that I never stopped trying to connect with my dad. I wanted him to love me so much, and sometimes he did. Every morning there would be a Hallmark card that said "im sorry" under my door, after a night where he came after me. But in all, my dad was mostly absent physically and totally absent emotionally. My mom was extremely emotionally volatile dealing with his constant BS, she regularly threatened to kill herself and/or leave us. Sometimes she would say that and then leave for hours before coming back. The concept of being able to sustain a long term relationship feels like a pipe dream, because there's so much fear and anxiety around getting close to people whether platonic or romantic. I've been dating an amazing guy for a month, but I have a visceral fear of him abandoning me, on the daily I have the urge to just end it so he can't do it to me. But I'm trying so hard to do different this time.
Thank you so much for this video, Heidi. It’s very timely. It’s also confirmed a lot of things for me too that I had already connected and noticed in a dynamic that I have with someone who is Fearful-Avoidant. I am trying my best, and also doing my best to continue to own up to where I misunderstand and slip up. But I’ve been confused as to why it always seems like it’s only me that is the problem. I appreciated the last 10-15mins the most for that. I’ll be rewatching and taking personal notes. Your videos are so great. Love you too!
So hugely helpful! I thought about how bringing all the elements of self forward , even early in dating. Fire (passion/anger), Earth (Stability/Material), Water (Emotions/Sadness/Open Heartedness), and Air (IQ, Ideas, Creativity). Thought this framing may help others too
So be curious about your lack of integrity. You do have a lack of integrity in the most profound sense. You have two attachment styles that you flip between, so the foundations of your thinking “flip” and your emotional landscape flips from activation to deactivation. So you do actually lack integrity. Be curious about that instead of neurotic about the trigger of it. Don’t shut down over your lack of integrity.
You're fantastic Heidi! And so is your book "This is me leaving you". Ordered a few copies just to hand out for Xmas '24. Can I ask.. did you take a course in talking with your hands? It's amazingly awesome how you do that and your thought cadence is PERFECT.
Heidi, I gotta say that above all the other creators of good content about attachment healing, yours by far exceeds all the others. You know just how to get to the heart of the matter in a way that doesn't feel overwhelming or hopeless. Thank you from the bottom of my heart; without your experience and wisdom, my journey to heal my FA attachment style would have been that much harder. I still rewatch your stages of healing mapped on the four competencies model video as a sort of temperature check along my journey, and I'm happy to say that I'm getting somewhere.
The trick is realizing you can get involved. You're always involved even when you think you're not. People know you and will remember you. You have an impact regardless.
@@Sycamoresap the other trick is that you could have a very negative impact, hurt others and be vain enough to think that’s ok. … any attention is good attention belongs in the 3year old ethical place. … a punch is an impact. …and it will make your partner afraid, disgusted and confused. And if you aspire to that. … you have no way of maintaining intimacy. It’s a power “play” and you will lose every time. ….
Heidi, I love you and I'm incredibly grateful for how much your posts help me see myself and my relational bs more clearly so (hopefully) I can show up differently. You are magic!
You are such a light! I loved the idea of relationships having boundaries. I’ve been kicking myself trying to come up with a perfect plan for accountability. Maybe I just need to express my own boundaries. Here’s to a relationship with honesty and an awareness of one’s own and another’s feelings. These last two videos were a tour de force in attachment!
A slow convergence towards unity of self (integrity), which can only be done over time. Commit to a vision, even a very small one. Healing is practice, not idea.
Do you know how toddlers will do something over and over again, even if you tell them "no"? They are making hypotheses and testing them for real-world data. This is how we all learn. You need to give someone a chance then see what happens. Tell someone you ran over a snake in the road and see what they say. Tell someone a close friend asked you to cheat on a test, on their taxes, on a partner. When someone asks, "How are you?" give them a real answer instead of "fine." Heck, tell someone your political opinion. Sharing who you are is how you build trust with others. Trusting yourself is about making a decision for yourself instead of (1) avoiding a decision or (2) asking someone else to make a decision or (3) making a decision for someone else.
oooo...its one of those days when your topic is 'so me'. Anger was absolutely not allowed when I was a child. So, yeah, I have a lot of confusion around it. Too much, too little...ugh
Lady, how on earth do you manage to get all the stuff together and explain it in such a clear manner? I am so often amazed and in awe seeing your videos, listening to you and digesting what I just heard. Because I myself have tried hard in the last months or years to analyze and figure out some things for myself, and have luckily hit upon a couple of things here and there, but more often than not it just leads some to some dead end and I don’t know what to do with the Information that I’ve hit up on - and here you are, standing at the dead end and screaming out loud to me “hey, go this way, This is what you need to do”. Just seems unbelievable sometimes, Heidi. Don’t have Enough words to thank you. Very often when I listen to you, I feel hope, hope for myself and hope for my relationship, my career - which means hope for my life. Du bist ein Engel ♥️ Danke!
i can handle my half of communication well enough, as long as i am met with even scarce empathy. empathy at all resonates easy. it's just so easily suspicious on tone of voice and in word choices when someone has only been thinking of what they get out of the relationship and they're pissed at you for not giving more of yourself, and not about what's legitimately in both our best balanced interests. it gets so much worse when someone acts weird about it instead of remembering the history i've tried to explain. it makes it so much harder to apologize when people are so vicious, so fast, and it makes it so much harder to sympathize for their reactions. like do i really have to indefinitely tolerate the same volatile rage that put me here, the same way i didn't do anything to deserve it back then? cuz that's unfair, up front, and it feels like fire and brimstone from someone merely trying to dominate. it's not fair to have to keep calmly explaining to people who keep calmly dismissing it.
These are wonderful. It's great to periodically remind myself of how and why I'm acting, and to be mindful of these responses and how to better regulate for myself and my partner.
Around 26:36 you mention an awareness of complex causation being essential. I completely agree; what do you do, however, when one party seems to bring this awareness to the conflict, but the other party can’t handle hearing that they bear almost *any* responsibility? (I.e. you can’t bring up the factual things you’ve said or done because they will jump at you before you even can to point out that now you’re attacking them by pointing out your own true behaviour and how it differs from what they are describing?) And in a situation where you have always had to abandon yourself for this person, to meet their needs, to never rise to an argument, or else be abandoned… Does there come an appropriate time where you are “allowed” to put yourself first and walk away? How does one know when that is? Or am I just leaning avoidant by wanting to finally claim my space for myself to be allowed to feel and experience my feelings instead of internalizing them to the point of self-injury? (Not a romantic partner, but familial, so there is added pressure to “work things out,” especially at the holidays.) Hope you’ll share some insights. I feel like the onus has always been on me to sort things out, even if I’ve always been aware of “both sides,” but I’m exhausted.
What you’re describing is gaslighting and narcissism, watch dr ramani’s videos and listen to your heart. You are being diminished by the abuse, it makes a person feel worthless and doubt themselves over time, so stay away from them as much as possible. You leave when it is hurting you more than bringing you joy, and I hear pain and no joy here. You deserve a happy life!
There is a lot of gaslighting happening to you. The other person IS responsible for their actions, thoughts, feelings and words. As are you. If they can’t ADMIT responsibility, that is a delusion. They actually ARE responsible. When you know what you have in fact said, thought, felt and done and you are telling yourself the truth, then you know what you are responsible for. There is zero obligation and never has been an obligation to fix another person’s boundary violations. Leaving at any time is fine, Including the holidays. You are under no obligation to tolerate abuse.
How can it be that you're speaking directly to my immediate experience? I'm in a long distance relationship, and I'm feeling similarly. This is so helpful. Thank you for sharing.
Omg...this is me😮💨 I finally know my attachment style. This was all so triggering and brought up much shame. Thank you for bringing this to my attention💚
Thinking if your partner is with you, you are not allowed to be anything than fully focused on the partner... I know that so good. We only met on Weekends most of the time and I was tired from working when she came and she was looking for a job atm, so she was motivated and I always felt like I had no right to be tired when she is with me, because how can I say I love her when I just want to watch a film together or something like that instead of talking the whole evening after not seeing her for a week. In my brain that just means I can't love her, so I am lying to her and I have to break up to be honest. Sadly she was very anxious attached and kinda supported that thought.
I'm not really into adult attachment theory, but I do see some wisdom in this. I don't even think that I'm avoidant as I have understood it from books like Atttached and such, but I can start to feel a fear of commitment when I see troublesome things from my partner. Things I see as red flags, or major points of compatibility. In some sens I think it's wise to withdraw, at signs of these issues, but where I think I fall short is on the latter point. If I feel that I see a lifestyle compatibility issue, I do believe I do some self abandoning in that regard. In some respects I think I am leaning on my own emotional resilience, to endure periods of not living a lifestyle I hope to have (I really enjoy traveling abroad and my partners can't always do that) rather than voicing my need and at least asking if I can take an extended trip on my own. I can see where I've wanted that in the past, but was afraid to ask, because being shot down would mean possibly needing to rething the relationship. It seems trivial to be able to travel abroad often, but it is important to me. I always make it clear in the beginning, but it's almost always pushed by the wayside within a few months....
This is a lot of work for no set reward if you've never experienced a healthy, close relationship before. Like not even with family growing up. I don't see any way to stay motivated when the "light at the end of the tunnel" is a feeling for which there's no guarantee you'll ever experience it.
Heidi is there some version of "hidden super powers" or "dormant traits" that FAs are or could be great at? Besides all of the fixing we need to do on our bad FA habits I'm in need of some general love and support for who we are and our potential. Not sure if that makes sense.
She mentions in another video we are excellent at deeply connecting with people right off the bat. It's something I use in my job all the time! For myself, I'm also very happy and content on my own and don't "need" a partner. I am lucky to have an excellent partner now, but he's a needle in a haystack...with the current dating landscape, I think being happy alone is an underrated skill. We're also super sensitive, both in ourselves and how we might affect others. Can cut two ways, positive and negative, but def a positive in some scenarios!
Am I the only one who can’t even understand blindspot n1? I don’t know how I’m supposed to figure out an unconscious rule given it’s unconscious and unfortunately I don’t relate much to “not bringing up my needs” as I’m an FA leaning anxious. “Unconscious rule” is too vague of a phrase to make a good use of it. And if you know what your unconscious rule is then it’s not unconscious… Other than that, the rest of the video was really really insightful, as always!
What do you think of this: two guys are practicing monogamy until the end of December. One is telling guys, I am practicing monogamy and can not hook up. The other one, uninstalled Grindr, swipes on people in tinder, male and female, inviting to come to home city, and chats with people he had sex with and exchanged nude pics. Also, the guy having flirt chat would show the other conversations but stopped suddenly.
It seems to be a broken boundary worthy of severe action in response. If there's hope to salvage, significant couple's therapy would be a great start. I'm sensing there shouldn't be hope, though, in which case, a difficult ending of the relationship and beginning to healing.
Do you have any videos on fearful avoidant with another fearful avoidant? I think me and my partner both are ones, I know I am, and it's sad knowing and feeling that we both sit with the same emotions and insecurities but we struggle with being brave and open and letting the other one in.
I've been listening to and reading lots of content on insecure attachment, and I've never been less sure about what category I fall under than ever. I'm kind of afraid I'm the rare Disorganized type, and I probably should seek therapy. There aren't really any therapists that specialize in attachment theory in my area, and I really can't afford it anyway. I know there are online quizzes, but I find them all to be too all or nothing in the questions and rarely focus on Disorganized as a possibility. I know Heidi has also said people can possess traits from other categories without being disorganized, but that just makes me more confused. I say I'm afraid I'm disorganized because I've heard several people say (including Heidi, I think) that it's the hardest one to work on, and takes the longest/most healing to have a secure attachment style. If anyone has any resources for this specifically, or online tests that don't cost a buttload to take, please feel free to comment. I'd really appreciate any insight.
Here is my question.: How can I set boundaries to a person that is staying in my space? How I can request own time in my own home? Honestly...I need concrete examples please....
I say, I know you're here but I'm going to 'check out' on my computer for a bit with headphones on. Or, I'm going into my room to nap and won't be out til 4. Or, if they're a guest, hey I need my house from 2-5 this afternoon, could head out to a coffeeshop/go explore town/do your own thing? It's YOUR home. (And if it's not, negotiate what you share. Yes, this is our home, but I need some alone time. Is there something you could do out of the house that would be fulfilling for you?
When they are blatantly violate clearly set boundaries they react in anger denying that they violated any boundary even then their defaulr is that IT NEVER HAPPENED!!! If they do they have an excuse.." but day's a hole in the bucket!!" The other must have zero expectations. Zero boundaries as to them. They will not consider your needs unless it happens to intrrsect. They do not negotite its all thier fear period. DWI it or depart😊 .😊
😅 it counts as doing everything right and the partner doing everything wrong if I'm watching all the Heidi videos and working on all the stuff, sending him the videos and he isn't watching or doing any of the work? That means I'm all right and he's all wrong, right? (Jk kinda, it got abusive and is over anyway)
Loving a FA she yes has absolute blind spots. She cannot see them and the other cannot do more than be safe to allow her to trust so that she can open her eyes. One cannot help the blind see. You aint Jesus😊
Fearful avoidance ??? Heros that rescue us we depend on during daily life. ❤❤❤❤ suppression, results depression, sadness, not matter anymore, just a device, rag doll, servant object giving hero pleasure Joyfull emotional symptoms. She lives in state of grief, Regretting her behaviors. Unable to make an impact on him to see how she feels. Assumption r lies.😮😢 ???????
Thank you for even more wonderful, thoughtful and insightful content, miss Priebe! Do you think you'd be open to a collaborator with others in your UA-cam space or, like, a podcast interview?
Heidi, I think you are so articulate and insightful. And obviously you are not in the category of the “garden variety” FA. And you can be immensely proud of yourself for your achievements. My experience with FA’s is that they are chaotic. Really cruel and cold after being warm and “normal”. But they “switch off” and constantly blamed their furious outbursts on tiny and harmless events that they “supercharge” with bleak and totally irrational magical thinking. There was this “backwards incompatible” lack of logic if they felt uncomfortable. It was somehow immediately and crazily, chaotically my fault. As though it’s my “job” in the relationship to cop these wild swings. ( I’m secure ). The FA’s cannot sustain intimacy. Because they “see” all this bad stuff that literally was never there. But it’s phenomenally abusive and toxic to be on the receiving end of. Having healthy boundaries means you do NOT subscribe to this way of thinking or acting. But FAs seem to think they have a licence to break rules because they “feel bad” and make it your fault. I am no doubt describing a very far gone, un-insightful and bleak picture. But FAs are literally their own worst enemy sometimes. And they ruin the very thing they want. And are phenomenally inarticulate and entrenched in lack of insight. I am not saying these things to be hurtful. It is the truth though. There is absolutely no way that projections, false blame, false criticism and irrational rage and contempt will ever sustain a relationship. The key is to looking at shut down as belonging to the FA. It’s a function from within the FA, it does not come from the partner. Assuming rules apply that are not discussed or examined makes an “ass” out of u and me ( assume ). When we examined assumptions and an FA gets triggered. ….. because they are responsible. And an FA feels shame. …. They will not heal if they blame that shame on the assumptions examiner. …… Hurt people hurt people. And the cycle will continue.
Yeah guys, go and agonize about your own deficiencies whenever you are hurt or abused. Am I not vulnerable enough? Is this why he never gave me back that tenner? Listen to Dr. A: whenever anything is very wrong, it's just because the other guy is a bastard. Stop ruminating, pack your shit and leave.
That’s amazing that when ur partner glossed over your vulnerable sharing you actually brought it up later! You didn’t burry it deep, deep down and try to forget it forever, and never share again! ❤️🩹
I think it’s so comforting to know that someone else has felt, lived through and healed the fearful avoidant attachment style because from where I’m standing rn in the beginning of my journey I’m almost hopeless that I’ll reach a secure place. Thanks for sharing this insight for those of us who recognize these patterns within ourselves and want to learn how to have better relationships by reprogramming our attachment styles. It’s like you are telling the story of my life from the other side of being healed and I want to believe lll be able to achieve this for myself one day. I’ll continue to coach myself through this journey with your guidance and support.
I've been consistently watching Heidi priebe for over a year now, and I have finally been able to start to recognize where I am becoming more secure. You got this, it's about persistence, not perfection
You are SO good. Don’t worry!! There’s so many of us out here to support you and cheer you on. It is so completely possibly and step by step you’ll feel better. And MOST importantly, you’ll have connections and friendships along the way that love and accept you just as you are. Please know that! It is incredibly healing. I am sending you so much love as a fellow FA and trust me you are already good! ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for articulating this! 😢 ❤❤
I feel the same and am so very grateful for Heidi’s insights.
Amazing to me how impactful the community in the comment section of her videos has been too.
🙏🏻✨❤️🩹✨🙏🏻
I was able to move from FA in 2019 to secure now. It's possible! I did shadow work and established boundaries with my family. I finally stopped feeling the urge to feel their love and grew past feeling inferior to them (after being scapegoated following abuse). My 2 abusive family members did eventually apologize after almost a year of me doing no contact with them. It isn't easy and I have been leaning heavily on faith, therapy, creativity, and reading books/watching youtube.
I was like you too but came out on the other side. You are not alone! Kinesiology and other body/nervous system-based therapy combined with CBT helped. Much courage to you it’s the best feeling to feel grounded and safe in your own body xxx
Heidi is a fucking genius. You have a true gift for articulating some of the most vulnerable perspectives with an intellectual precision that I haven't heard anywhere else in the UA-cam-sphere. The talent that you bring to communicating relational psychology concepts and perspectives has proven invaluable on my own healing journey. Thank you, Heidi. Sincerely, A Carpie.
My internal rule? Have no feelings. Uh…yeah I’m afraid to tell my partner when I have emotional needs because I’m afraid he will be angry. And I think at first he was. Because his rule was, distance yourself from somebody who has strong feelings because they will expect me to fix them. But when he ghosted me when I expressed my feelings, I said I think we have a misunderstanding. When I share feelings, I just want you to listen and hold my hand. I will fix my own feelings but I don’t want you to leave me in the cold by myself. I don’t want or need you to fix my feelings. Just be my friend. That went a long way for both of us to move into a better head space.
10:28 1. Which unconscious rules am I assuming are true here and can I check to make sure they are actually true?
10:52 2. Am I aware of how my own inconsistency might be affecting my partner and how they are responding to me?
14:39 3. Am I curious about my own fear of commitment or am I shaming myself for resisting it when I find it creeping into my awareness.
18:32 4. Am I deeply aware of what comes up for me in the moments where I feel vulnerable [feel shame around a situation]?
24:37 5. Am I looking at fault in this relationship as a very black or white thing?
Cliff notes!
Thank you
Thank you!
Many thanks
Thank you so much
Thank you for this video! This helps a lot! I wrote down all the rules I have for myself and next to them I wrote myself some encouragement like “i can handle any reaction my partner might have if i were to let go of this rule” it made me realize how much my own rules are holding me back. Some of my rules are: always being occupied. Because I was criticized as a child for being lazy. Never getting excited about something because I will likely be let down. Never relying on others. Being secretive about the entertainment I watch for fear my partner won’t like it. I was always criticized for the music and tv I watched as a child. Never be angry because the other person will meet my anger with more anger and I won’t be able to handle it. What are everyone else’s? Maybe I’m missing some
Yeah, parents that didn't validate one's anger tend to outcompete the child with more anger, just to show 'who is the boss'.
Thank you so much for sharing this. This actually helped me understand something about my ex partner. It was a conflicting experience because in one way I felt that they were selfish - because they wouldn't initiate or prioritize spending time together - But I'm realising more and more that it's because they were abandoning themselves and censoring themselves within the relationship because of their assumption that their genuine self wouldn't be acceptable. *That* was why they were simply too drained to spend more time together, and *that's* why they more and more were backing out of the relationship.
There were things they'd done to break my trust which poisoned my view of everything they did as being selfish and to hurt me, when in hindsight I can see that *most* of it was them not feeling safe in themselves and in the relationship to have conflicting views or likes from me.
OMG I relate so hard to this moment when I just started looking into these topics and being "WTF is a need?!". It genuinely took me several years to wrap my head around it, and while I have a much better all around knowledge on it, when faced with it I still don't quite know what is a "need". Even within myself.
My personal survival strategy was to not want and not need anything. And then be angry at myself for complete inability to make any moves or decisions. Go figure.
Haha indeed, wtf even is a need 😂 Or even a want!
Can relate
This!
Non violent communication (nvc) has really helped me with this. 😅 learning the words, like French was how I started. Implementing is still difficult but I think ifs therapy (in ternal family system) might help me with that. Both have free videos/ audiobooks online, like: no bad parts
Hope this helps someone ❤🎉 good luck to you all
@@RenskevdWaal non violent communication is so valuable. If changes everything. And taking responsibility for how you feel without blaming anyone else. So you will confront really uncomfortable feelings. Which can be yuk. But. … you can get to the source. Another type of amazing therapy is EMDR, if you experienced real fear and/or terror from a caregiver as a child.
I’m 42 and have always wondered why I get deeply depressed in long term relationships. Wish I would have known why sooner but glad I finally have an idea. Your videos are so valuable. Thank you.
@@Sreeses8768 so to follow this up; your depression has been allievisted by ending long term relationships. You being unable to sustain intimacy and so. … the self sabotage was in avoiding the depression by ending the (possibly very healthy ) relationship, thereby perpetuating the fear of intimacy and commitment. Whereas ; had you consulted the depression, you may well have found its source in your childhood, and not in the current long term relationship. (I apologise if you have already drawn that conclusion. I’m spelling it out as the “whole” story though. ) So the original trauma becomes a self fulfilling prophecy for every relationship. And your partners may well have absolutely nothing to do with the problem. And in fact may well have been a big part of the solution you could not see.
Wow, I’ve been self abandoning myself in past relationships and never realized it or could put my finger on it. And that’s why I’m afraid of committing. Because I haven’t expressed my needs or set boundaries to honor myself in relationships. This is a revelation. Thank you!
This attachment style plus CPTSD plus ADHD/depression plus perimenopause is really, really hard.
Yes, life on hard mode. But hard things can be nice
Same. Add autism on to that, too.
You’re not alone! I know how this feels!
This is me. We are not alone.
As the secure ex, with faults that I showed I was more than willing to adjust so her (oftentimes unrealistic) needs were met, I hope one day she feels safe enough to do the work so that she can find and feel comfort, safety, and peace in a future relationship. 🥺 the expectation of perfect and the black & white outlook on faults really resonated with me in this video. She definitely shared with me that she knew I was being supportive and loving and that in certain moments, I didn’t do it the exact way she wanted in order for her to feel that she was being supported and loved. & like in the video, this was often days later and I saw no indication in the moment that this was bothering her. I am a pretty intuitive person, and I can pick up on cues. She is just really good at masking these cues and/or admittedly didn’t realize until later that she didn’t like something. Since I tend to address things that frustrate me or make me feel certain ways in a pretty timely manner, whether it’s verbal or she can read a clear shift in my body language and energy, she would say things to me that were hurtful and untrue. For example, saying that only my boundaries and feelings matter and she had to bend to meet my needs. Meanwhile, her feelings and boundaries matter a lot to me. She just wouldn’t share them with me until she reached a point of contempt and things appeared irreparable to her. I still think we had a beautiful relationship and the problems we faced were completely workable and worth it to keep our relationship growing. She didn’t feel the same. I am grieving and I don’t resent her. I care about her very much, I also care about myself. While I wouldn’t have made the decision to walk away, now that it’s been made for me, I can’t rationalize pursuing or saving a relationship with someone who didn’t find what we were building to be worth staying in and working on.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I resonate so much with your ex girlfriend and I think my husband would definitely resonate with your experience. This video was enlightening and so was your share . It helps me understand my husband’s perspective and motivates me to really look at hear blind spots.
When an FA won’t do the work, and they are hurtful and lash out with misplaced contempt, it’s the most secure thing to walk away. A great many FA’s are often incredibly unfair, mean, cruel and demanding in ways they do not reciprocate or offer balance for. The “flip” of the world view and projection of their attachment insecurities is really toxic if they can’t get a hold of themselves.
@@MellowBellow1 everything you said is so true! Fortunately there are some of us FA’s that are working hard to take accountability for our hurtful misplaced behaviors and projections. I wish it was an overnight process, but depending on one’s dedication and commitment to the work and the quality of mental health care one has can be factors in the speed of recovery. Plus, what we now know about attachment theory and childhood trauma has grown exponentially in the past decade, whereas it was not nearly as researched or known about beforehand. I’m grateful to the recovering FA’s like Heidi, who are educating people so more and more healing happens and hopefully less people like you get hurt. It’s so unfair and damaging to be the recipient of all that projection which is really about their toxic parents. This channel and others like it are game changers, at least for those of us with insecure attachment styles.
@@dianeshoemaker6591 yes, some people do the work. But the response I was making was to the person who is being abused ( above ). …. And you have chimed in to defend yourself. Which missed the vital point that hurt people can hurt people. And you have not expressed empathy for the person being abused who I was replying to. .. ( I note u state it has increased your learning. … which is self serving ) so sadly your empathy is still impaired by your trauma. And you have been mis attuned to the pain expressed above. Which is insecure and self centred if you. I’m sorry you were hurt. But you are minimising someone else’s pain right now. When you can choose not to. It is never ok to tolerate or justify abuse. It is never ok to minimise abuse.
@@MellowBellow1 thank you. I agree that it was the most secure thing they could have done because they are also aware enough to recognize that they are doing this. It’s part of why I had faith she could continue doing the work. It’s seems though that we’ve not quite passed the awareness stage. The things said in those moments when she was feeling scared of her own vulnerability could absolutely be categorized as abusive. Had I been someone else I can see how those statements can take someone to a dark place. Thankfully, I have a strong enough sense of self that I was able to remind myself after the initial hurt that these are not true statements about me. I also have a small circle but a trusted one, and I wouldn’t over share but I did provide context on both sides to where they could also affirm that some of the things that were expected of me in certain scenarios are unreasonable and at times downright hypocritical to how they handle situations with me.
To the other commenter, Diane. I appreciate your words. I know from conversations my ex and I had that she shares some of your sentiments. & I want to make it clear that not all of her requests/needs were unrealistic, and with the conversation(S) I fully understand how and why she feels the way that she feel. I presume most were just communicated way too late and were allowed to get to a point that-despite me listening to her and working on meeting a need in the way she can process-were dismissed because at the point she shared it, it felt as though she didn’t care if I did them now because I should have done them the way she wanted before. Again, she gave me no reason to think at those times that she found my support and love to be unfulfilling. I trusted what she would say and how she would act because I had no reason not to… until she explained it. I also shared my feelings and at times my frustrations with how the things she’s doing for self aren’t considering my thoughts or feelings on things, and I shared them because I trusted she would listen to me and it was safe to do so. I don’t have the belief that people who love me will leave because I share concerns or have a moment of vulnerability and share my hurt, which is why I felt comfortable sharing and I could see her take in my feedback and try to do better. It wasn’t until it was over that I realized she was holding resentment towards me because she felt attacked in those moments and internally defensive to feedback. This is all recent and I’m still processing which is why my algorithm is full of content to grieve both parties in the relationship. While it felt in the moment that the ground was pulled from under me and was unaware that construction was happening that day, for her this decision was made long ago and I was just caught up to the party. So these videos help me process because they validate my feelings in this dynamic and still humanize her, because she didn’t ask for this attachment style. She didn’t have the choice as a child, but as an adult only she can heal these parts of her with guidance of professionals.
Listen.... at this point I'm telling youtube I need a notification every time Heidi sneezes 😂
Heidi, I bought your book "this is me letting you go" for my sister who just got out of an abusive, torturous 10 year relationship, and I didn't even correlate it to you, who I've been watching for a couple years, because it was on display at a local book store. She let me read it after she opened it and wow, I need a copy too. Such a beautiful book. Thank you for writing it.
I just bought the book myself, seems like the perfect kind of book to start 2025.
I would also encourage all fearful avoidant here to also go through the other two videos. Tons of helpful advice.
this is beautiful advice. tysm. im going off to cry now.
Would love for you to talk about what goes on when a fearful avoidant normally leans dismissive, but then a dismissive partner turns them anxious.
I think the theory behind that is: even if we lean dismissive we still have anxious tendencies, we just tend to shift between them. I used to be alot more anxious in my teens, now I'm more dismissive. It also heavily depends on the person you're interacting with. I've been involved with people that made me overly anxious because they were avoidant, yet also people that made me overly dismissive because they were anxious
@@shockedpikachuface7376 me too. I switch depending on the other person.
omg ur just like me 😂😂😂😂😂
I dont know about you guys, but I seem to go from one relationship primarily anxious then flip on the next, I'd say its partly to do with partner choice, but also trying to change flaws in the last relationship... dunno, it kinda sucks lol
@@Thomas...191 Yes, I flip flop back and forth too.
@3:47 that was the PERFECT way to explain how disorganized attachment develops. My dad is an alcoholic (sober 4 years, hes 71 y/o now). Typical story but he was so much fun when he was sober, but became abusive, rageful, and reclusive whenever he relapsed (which was often). All I remember is that I never stopped trying to connect with my dad. I wanted him to love me so much, and sometimes he did. Every morning there would be a Hallmark card that said "im sorry" under my door, after a night where he came after me. But in all, my dad was mostly absent physically and totally absent emotionally. My mom was extremely emotionally volatile dealing with his constant BS, she regularly threatened to kill herself and/or leave us. Sometimes she would say that and then leave for hours before coming back. The concept of being able to sustain a long term relationship feels like a pipe dream, because there's so much fear and anxiety around getting close to people whether platonic or romantic. I've been dating an amazing guy for a month, but I have a visceral fear of him abandoning me, on the daily I have the urge to just end it so he can't do it to me. But I'm trying so hard to do different this time.
Thank you so much for this video, Heidi. It’s very timely. It’s also confirmed a lot of things for me too that I had already connected and noticed in a dynamic that I have with someone who is Fearful-Avoidant. I am trying my best, and also doing my best to continue to own up to where I misunderstand and slip up. But I’ve been confused as to why it always seems like it’s only me that is the problem. I appreciated the last 10-15mins the most for that. I’ll be rewatching and taking personal notes.
Your videos are so great. Love you too!
Your first-hand accounts of the subjective experience of Avoidant behaviors has given me tremendous insight into a family member of mine. Thank you!
So hugely helpful! I thought about how bringing all the elements of self forward , even early in dating. Fire (passion/anger), Earth (Stability/Material), Water (Emotions/Sadness/Open Heartedness), and Air (IQ, Ideas, Creativity). Thought this framing may help others too
that's so nice! i like it
Love this so much! ❤
Doubts of my integrity are my biggest trigger!
So be curious about your lack of integrity. You do have a lack of integrity in the most profound sense. You have two attachment styles that you flip between, so the foundations of your thinking “flip” and your emotional landscape flips from activation to deactivation. So you do actually lack integrity. Be curious about that instead of neurotic about the trigger of it. Don’t shut down over your lack of integrity.
@MellowBellow1 I think you might be projecting here...
youre....A GENIUS. omg, you're actually the only person that has ever spoken to my experience. thank you!
You're fantastic Heidi! And so is your book "This is me leaving you". Ordered a few copies just to hand out for Xmas '24. Can I ask.. did you take a course in talking with your hands? It's amazingly awesome how you do that and your thought cadence is PERFECT.
Heidi, I gotta say that above all the other creators of good content about attachment healing, yours by far exceeds all the others. You know just how to get to the heart of the matter in a way that doesn't feel overwhelming or hopeless. Thank you from the bottom of my heart; without your experience and wisdom, my journey to heal my FA attachment style would have been that much harder.
I still rewatch your stages of healing mapped on the four competencies model video as a sort of temperature check along my journey, and I'm happy to say that I'm getting somewhere.
Every day I check for new HP uploads. Every. Single. Day. ❤
Free mental health advice hack
The weird thing about having a F/A attachment style is not being able to get involved in relationships at all.
It’s not weird. You can’t get involved, because you are afraid.
The trick is realizing you can get involved. You're always involved even when you think you're not. People know you and will remember you. You have an impact regardless.
@@Sycamoresap the other trick is that you could have a very negative impact, hurt others and be vain enough to think that’s ok. … any attention is good attention belongs in the 3year old ethical place. … a punch is an impact. …and it will make your partner afraid, disgusted and confused. And if you aspire to that. … you have no way of maintaining intimacy. It’s a power “play” and you will lose every time. ….
@@MellowBellow1 I have always tried to develop friendships. It doesn't happen. People see something wrong with me every time.
@@observer7418 perhaps you are doing things that upset people because you’re afraid? What do people say you do wrong ?
Heidi, I love you and I'm incredibly grateful for how much your posts help me see myself and my relational bs more clearly so (hopefully) I can show up differently. You are magic!
You are such a light! I loved the idea of relationships having boundaries. I’ve been kicking myself trying to come up with a perfect plan for accountability. Maybe I just need to express my own boundaries. Here’s to a relationship with honesty and an awareness of one’s own and another’s feelings. These last two videos were a tour de force in attachment!
I really appreciate you talking about the struggles of this attachment, even though it's in the minority
Can you do a few videos about helping children and teens and how attachment wounds would come up in parenting?
Yes! This is exactly my issue. I know I'm doing a terrible job right now and I can't find anything helpful on parenting teenages.
I would love this as well!! ❤
I appreciate everything you explain to us and especially the real life examples. These videos are truly precious! Thank you!
Thank you so much for everything you do Heidi. You have helped so many people with your videos ❤
I would say that all 5 of these apply to me on various levels. This is another great video, Heidi. Thank you.
You’re saving lives. Thank you... 🥺💖
How can I trust somebody else? I can’t even trust myself.
A slow convergence towards unity of self (integrity), which can only be done over time. Commit to a vision, even a very small one. Healing is practice, not idea.
Do you know how toddlers will do something over and over again, even if you tell them "no"? They are making hypotheses and testing them for real-world data. This is how we all learn. You need to give someone a chance then see what happens. Tell someone you ran over a snake in the road and see what they say. Tell someone a close friend asked you to cheat on a test, on their taxes, on a partner. When someone asks, "How are you?" give them a real answer instead of "fine." Heck, tell someone your political opinion. Sharing who you are is how you build trust with others.
Trusting yourself is about making a decision for yourself instead of (1) avoiding a decision or (2) asking someone else to make a decision or (3) making a decision for someone else.
oooo...its one of those days when your topic is 'so me'. Anger was absolutely not allowed when I was a child. So, yeah, I have a lot of confusion around it. Too much, too little...ugh
Lady, how on earth do you manage to get all the stuff together and explain it in such a clear manner? I am so often amazed and in awe seeing your videos, listening to you and digesting what I just heard. Because I myself have tried hard in the last months or years to analyze and figure out some things for myself, and have luckily hit upon a couple of things here and there, but more often than not it just leads some to some dead end and I don’t know what to do with the Information that I’ve hit up on - and here you are, standing at the dead end and screaming out loud to me “hey, go this way, This is what you need to do”. Just seems unbelievable sometimes, Heidi. Don’t have Enough words to thank you. Very often when I listen to you, I feel hope, hope for myself and hope for my relationship, my career - which means hope for my life. Du bist ein Engel ♥️ Danke!
i can handle my half of communication well enough, as long as i am met with even scarce empathy. empathy at all resonates easy. it's just so easily suspicious on tone of voice and in word choices when someone has only been thinking of what they get out of the relationship and they're pissed at you for not giving more of yourself, and not about what's legitimately in both our best balanced interests. it gets so much worse when someone acts weird about it instead of remembering the history i've tried to explain. it makes it so much harder to apologize when people are so vicious, so fast, and it makes it so much harder to sympathize for their reactions. like do i really have to indefinitely tolerate the same volatile rage that put me here, the same way i didn't do anything to deserve it back then? cuz that's unfair, up front, and it feels like fire and brimstone from someone merely trying to dominate. it's not fair to have to keep calmly explaining to people who keep calmly dismissing it.
These are wonderful. It's great to periodically remind myself of how and why I'm acting, and to be mindful of these responses and how to better regulate for myself and my partner.
You are really good at this.
I'm so happy you started uploading videos again!:) thank you
Around 26:36 you mention an awareness of complex causation being essential. I completely agree; what do you do, however, when one party seems to bring this awareness to the conflict, but the other party can’t handle hearing that they bear almost *any* responsibility? (I.e. you can’t bring up the factual things you’ve said or done because they will jump at you before you even can to point out that now you’re attacking them by pointing out your own true behaviour and how it differs from what they are describing?)
And in a situation where you have always had to abandon yourself for this person, to meet their needs, to never rise to an argument, or else be abandoned… Does there come an appropriate time where you are “allowed” to put yourself first and walk away? How does one know when that is? Or am I just leaning avoidant by wanting to finally claim my space for myself to be allowed to feel and experience my feelings instead of internalizing them to the point of self-injury? (Not a romantic partner, but familial, so there is added pressure to “work things out,” especially at the holidays.) Hope you’ll share some insights. I feel like the onus has always been on me to sort things out, even if I’ve always been aware of “both sides,” but I’m exhausted.
What you’re describing is gaslighting and narcissism, watch dr ramani’s videos and listen to your heart. You are being diminished by the abuse, it makes a person feel worthless and doubt themselves over time, so stay away from them as much as possible. You leave when it is hurting you more than bringing you joy, and I hear pain and no joy here. You deserve a happy life!
There is a lot of gaslighting happening to you.
The other person IS responsible for their actions, thoughts, feelings and words. As are you. If they can’t ADMIT responsibility, that is a delusion. They actually ARE responsible.
When you know what you have in fact said, thought, felt and done and you are telling yourself the truth, then you know what you are responsible for.
There is zero obligation and never has been an obligation to fix another person’s boundary violations.
Leaving at any time is fine, Including the holidays. You are under no obligation to tolerate abuse.
Glad the previous video was only about 18 minutes, and so I was able to watch it and really integrate it before this one came out! ❤🔥
Thank you Heidi! I really appreciate this and find these videos so useful
FA here, this is extremely valuable insight 💯
How can it be that you're speaking directly to my immediate experience? I'm in a long distance relationship, and I'm feeling similarly. This is so helpful. Thank you for sharing.
thank you, this is a huge part of what I've been thinking about as I'm healing and looking at what a future relationship would be like.❤
Omg...this is me😮💨 I finally know my attachment style. This was all so triggering and brought up much shame. Thank you for bringing this to my attention💚
So true repressed things are acted out. Older clinicians can see this especially those who know psychoanalytic and jungian psychology.
:') thank you for this. gives me hope I can not be scared I have to lose myself to let someone in in the future.
Thinking if your partner is with you, you are not allowed to be anything than fully focused on the partner... I know that so good. We only met on Weekends most of the time and I was tired from working when she came and she was looking for a job atm, so she was motivated and I always felt like I had no right to be tired when she is with me, because how can I say I love her when I just want to watch a film together or something like that instead of talking the whole evening after not seeing her for a week. In my brain that just means I can't love her, so I am lying to her and I have to break up to be honest. Sadly she was very anxious attached and kinda supported that thought.
What you’re saying is me and I have great fearful avoidance ❤
This was/is an incredibly helpful video 🙏🏽
Thanks so much for the helpful and valuable content.
Brilliant! Thank you so much!
Thank you 💕
Great vid Heidi
Thanks
I read one of the books on your shelf, The Dance of Anger
I'm not really into adult attachment theory, but I do see some wisdom in this. I don't even think that I'm avoidant as I have understood it from books like Atttached and such, but I can start to feel a fear of commitment when I see troublesome things from my partner. Things I see as red flags, or major points of compatibility. In some sens I think it's wise to withdraw, at signs of these issues, but where I think I fall short is on the latter point. If I feel that I see a lifestyle compatibility issue, I do believe I do some self abandoning in that regard. In some respects I think I am leaning on my own emotional resilience, to endure periods of not living a lifestyle I hope to have (I really enjoy traveling abroad and my partners can't always do that) rather than voicing my need and at least asking if I can take an extended trip on my own. I can see where I've wanted that in the past, but was afraid to ask, because being shot down would mean possibly needing to rething the relationship. It seems trivial to be able to travel abroad often, but it is important to me. I always make it clear in the beginning, but it's almost always pushed by the wayside within a few months....
You just saved my marriage.
Five years too late for me. But it's never to late to learn valuable lessons.
You're getting really good at this shit. ❤
This is a lot of work for no set reward if you've never experienced a healthy, close relationship before. Like not even with family growing up. I don't see any way to stay motivated when the "light at the end of the tunnel" is a feeling for which there's no guarantee you'll ever experience it.
very good video. thank you
Fearful-Avoidant describes me for 40 years of life. Abandoning myself feels too real.
Heidi is there some version of "hidden super powers" or "dormant traits" that FAs are or could be great at? Besides all of the fixing we need to do on our bad FA habits I'm in need of some general love and support for who we are and our potential. Not sure if that makes sense.
Do we healing anxious attachments have any super powers? That would be an amazing consolation prize.
She mentions in another video we are excellent at deeply connecting with people right off the bat. It's something I use in my job all the time! For myself, I'm also very happy and content on my own and don't "need" a partner. I am lucky to have an excellent partner now, but he's a needle in a haystack...with the current dating landscape, I think being happy alone is an underrated skill. We're also super sensitive, both in ourselves and how we might affect others. Can cut two ways, positive and negative, but def a positive in some scenarios!
@@girlupstairs3819 legit. I’ve gotten my 10k hours on deep connections.
I see fearful-avoidant Heidi content, I come running
Am I the only one who can’t even understand blindspot n1? I don’t know how I’m supposed to figure out an unconscious rule given it’s unconscious and unfortunately I don’t relate much to “not bringing up my needs” as I’m an FA leaning anxious. “Unconscious rule” is too vague of a phrase to make a good use of it. And if you know what your unconscious rule is then it’s not unconscious…
Other than that, the rest of the video was really really insightful, as always!
OMGG heidi is back 😭 yayyy
Encouraging tips 😮
Thank you
I'm curious as to what extent, if at all, there's an overlap between fearful avoidant attachment style and trauma bond dynamics.
What do you think of this: two guys are practicing monogamy until the end of December. One is telling guys, I am practicing monogamy and can not hook up. The other one, uninstalled Grindr, swipes on people in tinder, male and female, inviting to come to home city, and chats with people he had sex with and exchanged nude pics. Also, the guy having flirt chat would show the other conversations but stopped suddenly.
It seems to be a broken boundary worthy of severe action in response. If there's hope to salvage, significant couple's therapy would be a great start. I'm sensing there shouldn't be hope, though, in which case, a difficult ending of the relationship and beginning to healing.
It doesn't sound like 2 guys are practicing monogamy.
Do you have any videos on fearful avoidant with another fearful avoidant? I think me and my partner both are ones, I know I am, and it's sad knowing and feeling that we both sit with the same emotions and insecurities but we struggle with being brave and open and letting the other one in.
I literally start shaking now when people are inconsistent w their emotional responses and are inconsistent. No mas por favor 😢
what color is your nail polish ?
not saying this is bad, but ebook Magnetic Aura makes it look basic
❤Thank zyou!!!
I've been listening to and reading lots of content on insecure attachment, and I've never been less sure about what category I fall under than ever.
I'm kind of afraid I'm the rare Disorganized type, and I probably should seek therapy. There aren't really any therapists that specialize in attachment theory in my area, and I really can't afford it anyway. I know there are online quizzes, but I find them all to be too all or nothing in the questions and rarely focus on Disorganized as a possibility. I know Heidi has also said people can possess traits from other categories without being disorganized, but that just makes me more confused.
I say I'm afraid I'm disorganized because I've heard several people say (including Heidi, I think) that it's the hardest one to work on, and takes the longest/most healing to have a secure attachment style.
If anyone has any resources for this specifically, or online tests that don't cost a buttload to take, please feel free to comment. I'd really appreciate any insight.
Thais Gibson, Alan robarge, there’s one calls disorganised spice of life can’t remember her name
We need a video about the purpose of life... what's the point of our meaningless existence in this vast universe
I reccomend Ram Dass for that.
I love my fearful avoidant tendencies
Here we go ❤❤❤
Here is my question.:
How can I set boundaries to a person that is staying in my space? How I can request own time in my own home? Honestly...I need concrete examples please....
I say, I know you're here but I'm going to 'check out' on my computer for a bit with headphones on. Or, I'm going into my room to nap and won't be out til 4. Or, if they're a guest, hey I need my house from 2-5 this afternoon, could head out to a coffeeshop/go explore town/do your own thing? It's YOUR home. (And if it's not, negotiate what you share. Yes, this is our home, but I need some alone time. Is there something you could do out of the house that would be fulfilling for you?
When they are blatantly violate clearly set boundaries they react in anger denying that they violated any boundary even then their defaulr is that IT NEVER HAPPENED!!! If they do they have an excuse.." but day's a hole in the bucket!!" The other must have zero expectations. Zero boundaries as to them. They will not consider your needs unless it happens to intrrsect. They do not negotite its all thier fear period. DWI it or depart😊
.😊
Lying and black and white thinking…..
😅 it counts as doing everything right and the partner doing everything wrong if I'm watching all the Heidi videos and working on all the stuff, sending him the videos and he isn't watching or doing any of the work? That means I'm all right and he's all wrong, right? (Jk kinda, it got abusive and is over anyway)
Chances are I will need you at some stage ;)
i love your videos....enough said lol
So did you write a book yet or what ????
Integrity????? What is it??? 😮????
I just started listening but I think integrity in this context is being true to your self. Integrity can get overrun by a relationship.
26:40
Prevent REGRETS , Positive????
Impossible. My ex and I are friends now and it’s brought up all sorts of regret but it’s worth it.
I was with you until you said my behavior isn't perfect.
Loving a FA she yes has absolute blind spots. She cannot see them and the other cannot do more than be safe to allow her to trust so that she can open her eyes. One cannot help the blind see. You aint Jesus😊
Fearful avoidance ???
Heros that rescue us we depend on during daily life. ❤❤❤❤ suppression, results depression, sadness, not matter anymore, just a device, rag doll, servant object giving hero pleasure Joyfull emotional symptoms. She lives in state of grief, Regretting her behaviors. Unable to make an impact on him to see how she feels. Assumption r lies.😮😢 ???????
Can two fearful avoidants make a relationship work? 😂
Thank you for even more wonderful, thoughtful and insightful content, miss Priebe!
Do you think you'd be open to a collaborator with others in your UA-cam space or, like, a podcast interview?
Heidi, I think you are so articulate and insightful. And obviously you are not in the category of the “garden variety” FA. And you can be immensely proud of yourself for your achievements.
My experience with FA’s is that they are chaotic. Really cruel and cold after being warm and “normal”. But they “switch off” and constantly blamed their furious outbursts on tiny and harmless events that they “supercharge” with bleak and totally irrational magical thinking.
There was this “backwards incompatible” lack of logic if they felt uncomfortable. It was somehow immediately and crazily, chaotically my fault. As though it’s my “job” in the relationship to cop these wild swings. ( I’m secure ).
The FA’s cannot sustain intimacy. Because they “see” all this bad stuff that literally was never there.
But it’s phenomenally abusive and toxic to be on the receiving end of. Having healthy boundaries means you do NOT subscribe to this way of thinking or acting. But FAs seem to think they have a licence to break rules because they “feel bad” and make it your fault.
I am no doubt describing a very far gone, un-insightful and bleak picture. But FAs are literally their own worst enemy sometimes. And they ruin the very thing they want. And are phenomenally inarticulate and entrenched in lack of insight.
I am not saying these things to be hurtful. It is the truth though.
There is absolutely no way that projections, false blame, false criticism and irrational rage and contempt will ever sustain a relationship. The key is to looking at shut down as belonging to the FA. It’s a function from within the FA, it does not come from the partner.
Assuming rules apply that are not discussed or examined makes an “ass” out of u and me ( assume ).
When we examined assumptions and an FA gets triggered. ….. because they are responsible. And an FA feels shame. …. They will not heal if they blame that shame on the assumptions examiner. ……
Hurt people hurt people. And the cycle will continue.
ebook Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki shows how to break free, but most people don’t even try
Yeah guys, go and agonize about your own deficiencies whenever you are hurt or abused. Am I not vulnerable enough? Is this why he never gave me back that tenner? Listen to Dr. A: whenever anything is very wrong, it's just because the other guy is a bastard. Stop ruminating, pack your shit and leave.
you're projecting hard
trusting this over the ebook Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki? no wonder the same cycles keep happening
That’s amazing that when ur partner glossed over your vulnerable sharing you actually brought it up later! You didn’t burry it deep, deep down and try to forget it forever, and never share again! ❤️🩹
this is cool and all, but ebook Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki shows the whole picture