Відео

"The best apology is changed behavior" is the phrase that comes to mind. So much focus is on the apology, but apologies can be quite self-serving if you think about it. Apologies often don't make people feel good, it skips the hard part (listening to the person you hurt's feelings, taking the time to understand them, planning and taking action on your actions in the future) and often just tries to leave the behavior in the past, when their feelings are still in the present. This is why when a lot of guys try to apologize, they don't understand why their partners continue to bring the issues up. So, it's not that you should *never* apologize, but the apology should be an absolute tiny part of it. Apologizing is easy, changing is hard. Definitely check my video on apologizing

I have no certainty as to whether your partner will see your value and see you as the best option. I have no idea what changes you are making, your skills you're building or how much damage was done to the relationship in the first place, so I wouldn't be able to comment on your particular case or any hypothetical case. I would warn you off people out there that sell you on certainty or an implied guarantee. But the only way to maximize your chances of reconciliation is to do that. And this is something that I would recommend to everyone whether in or out of a relationship is to keep your focus on that growth, your flaws, your blind spots in order to be prepared for the important moments that every relationship brings.

I'd highly suggest taking a look at my videos on what to do with a partners lies, how to hold a partner accountable and boundaries. And I want to preface my comment to say that I'll always give my honest opinion here, even when it may not be what people want to hear. Ultimately I'd say that a) your partner didn't hurt you. Events don't cause emotions, interpretations of events do. This sucks but it's the truth. When discords like this happens, getting through your own hurt and leaning into the problem is crucial to rebuilding relationships. and b) if a person lies to you it's because there isn't the emotional safety to tell you the truth. Regardless of whether it's fair or not, pushing a roadblock in between you both is going to be ineffective to build that emotional safety back. It's also likely that in you trying to force/pressure some admission of guilt/accountability rather than giving her the respect and freedom to come to that conclusion herself, it will likely cause a deeper gap between you. Discords like this can be approached 2 ways, with punishment (punishing someone to teach them a lesson) or with rewards (rewarding/positive reinforcement for behavior you'd like to see more of). Punishment is short term, less work and ineffective. It builds an atmosphere of fear rather than connection. Trying to build a relationship with punishment is like trying to stop a war by dropping a bomb. Temporarily effective, but don't fool yourself into thinking that its building trust. Reinforcement of positive behavior is healthy because rather than dwelling on the past or enforcing some sort of arbitrary justice, it simply shows the benefit of the alternate path, while treating them as an equal and giving them the autonomy to make their own decisions. So, fair? Maybe I don't know. Effective? Likely not, at least in the long term.

Wow, that means a lot! I'm glad to have helped!

Thanks so much!

See my latest video for this one!

Same for blaming yourself. Blame is an illusion that keeps you trapped in the past and stops you from actively working on yourself now! So, you can take responsibility internally, but it has to be accompanied with the action. Taking responsibility without action is a waste of time.

That's definitely something that a lot of people tell themselves. The idea that they are perfect, shouldn't change and that loyalty and trust to you shouldn't be earned. It makes us feel better in the moment, but it's not the reality.

I wouldn't recommend anything that is focused around attachment theory, that's a large part of why I do what I do

If you see them as insane and needing therapy then you'll treat them as beneath you which, in turn, will tell them that you're not emotionally strong enough to deal with their emotions. Check out my video on blame for a deeper dive

Yeah it's finding that balance

Absolutely, they present it as a problem to be solved

I'm 99.7% sure that's untrue

Hey! Sorry for the late response on this one. Thanks so so much for the kind and thoughtful comment. Expectancy Bias is v v powerful and this is why it's important to your relationship and yourself to really work to keep a high standard. Breaking through expectancy bias takes a long time and there will be ups and downs, but continue to build and grow yourself and you will always be able to be proud as to how much you've grown throughout it. If your partner is in the victim mindset then it's crucial to build the skill of empathy and meet them where they're at. The more you spend time allowing them to feel their feelings, the more safety you build the more you empower them to acknowledge and understand their own feelings. Keep being a leader, lead with strength, empathy and growth, and you'll always be in such a great place. :)

Both partners play a role, but I disagree that it places the resentful partner in a passive role. I think that having one person recognizing the situation, and taking accountability for the situation is empowering. Feeling like you're "owed" that your partner speaks up for their needs and not grow resentful may feel good, but it's not very empowering to either party or the relationship as a whole. If a partner is holding back their feelings from you, it's because they don't feel safe to express it (see my video on emotional safety), then the choice becomes to either do something about it and change it, or ignore it and hope that it changes.

Thanks so much! Definitely take a look at my video on emotional safety to help with that

If only they could just tell you. Instead of saying I'm fine....50 times in a row.

Check out my video on Emotional Safety as to why they don't feel comfortable telling you their feelings!

<3 Thanks!

Hey Nicholas, did you sign up?

Not yet, but I am tempted.

Go for it and see!

I'm watching the UA-cam content first, then I'll make a decision about the boot camp.

@@nicholasvaughan8771 awesome :)

Incoming video on that one :)

Hey you're welcome! Thanks for stopping by!

The truth is that men ARE emotional (human beings are all emotional), most just learn little to zero tools to understand and manage them. So they suppress them until they come out in toxic ways. So, yes, men often learn that showing love is to work long hours etc etc... until they realize the hard way that isn't what is valuable in a modern relationship. So when they get broken up with, then they can go one of two ways: a) bitter and angry because they believe women are entitled, ungrateful and selfish OR b) shameful, guilt ridden and self-sabotaging because they screwed things up so badly they believe they should never be in a relationship ever again.

As I've spoken about before, the reason why they don't aren't choosing to reach out and reconnect is because of expectancy bias, they fully expect that if they reach out and talk with you it will be a) surface level (zero value) b) an argument/fight (negative value) or c) excuses/neediness/about the relationship (zero value). The reason why I spend so much time talking about growth first is because it's the effective thing to focus on. It's like launching a product, if you have spent the right amount of time building the product, understanding the customer needs, and made sure it is absolutely top class, then a) you understand how to present that product to the market b) you understand that the potential customer will see the benefits without it being 'sold' to them. So, there's nothing to stop you reaching out if you choose, but unless you've grown massively (able to be humble, not needy, understand deeply your partners feelings, able to communicate that and handle many more tough truths) then it's likely to be very low / negative value. There's so much "ex back" advice out there focused on how to sell yourself. It's super shallow and ineffective. Members get their ex back for a couple of months and it all falls apart, it's like Temu advice in a Rolex world. Then people blame their partners instead of looking at their own standards objectively. So, you're free to reach out in any way, but again it's not *what* you do, but *how* you do it. I could put out a video saying "reach out to your partner and talk about this", but then the comments would be filled with people telling me it didn't work because they haven't really done much growth before reaching out.

I don't even want my ex back lol - this is till good stuff.

Thanks so much for the comment. In my experience, personality types/labels/diagnoses don't help, because, as you may have found, you end up treating the person as that label rather than an individual. Which means that you will create a picture of them that *feels* true, but isn't. Then when you start to treat them in that way, it causes the disconnect, further distance and ultimately feeds into the negative feedback loop of the relationship. No one "messes someone else up", it's up to ourselves to put in the work to build our own self awareness, emotional intelligence and empathy for others. What we do is a choice, if we get ourselves into unhealthy patterns it's our responsibility to do something about them.

@BeUltranormal I dont think I get it. Diagnoses of personality disorders are a real deal, right? And people with personality disorders have, well... a disorder of personality, as the name says, which may lead to behaviour expected from this disorder if untreated. I've known some BPD people and they all share some equal patterns. If I get to know someone new that have some cluster b diagnoses, I will 100% not follow the relationship and yes I will judge the person based on this disease, cause if untreated, can and will lead to much trauma for the one and/or ones involved. They are even considered secondary paychopaths.

Awesome!

What I feel in this case is that she is already doing no contact to me without explaining anything. So why is it bad when I do no contact in return

I have a video breaking down stonewalling here: ua-cam.com/video/WfaooHck_4Y/v-deo.html They're not disrespecting you by stonewalling, they're doing it because emotional safety has been massively damaged. The No Contact Rule is performed by the dumpee to purposefully cut contact to either manipulate a partner into missing you, to 'heal' or to act in a tit-for-tat kinda way (ie. she's not wanting to speak so I'm going to stop/block etc...). If you're wanting to rebuild a relationship then I'd focus more on understanding how emotional safety got broken in the first place and growing yourself to a very high standard to prevent that happening again.

@@BeUltranormal thank you for your response, I appreciate it. It does feel like disrespecting sometimes, as I have tried in a softer approach to make her feel safe. And at different times, I try to stick up for my boundaries and be firm about it. And both approaches seem to give similar results. Just tired of being ignored, especially when we have mutual friends, and she doesn’t have any problem talking to them and joking. Or talking in mutual group chats. This makes me feel like she is ignoring me on purpose, which makes me feels like I am being disrespected

I've heard this reasoning hundreds of times in my coaching of thousands of clients. "It's impossible because my partner is XYZ" replace XYZ with narcissism, BPD, FA, bipolar etc... Or the excuse "they have to want to change" None of which are true. But there are plenty of people out there that produce videos that will give you the false comfort that "there's no hope, move on/walk away". At the end of the day, we all choose to believe what we choose to believe, but in my experience in working with clients and partners that have been labeled with all these issues, I've seen these behaviors change massively.

@@BeUltranormal I am here to cosign on that. When we think they cant change we are living under the illusion of victimhood which is protecting our own ego. I actually made a comment like that about a year ago and it’s amazing how things have changed just by change in paradigms to radical responsibility. I dont blame you I am empathizing with you because I was in your shoes a few months ago. It’s easy to fall into these attachment theories because people with doctorates and masters are pushing these things. We expect these licensed therapists to have the truth but allow yourself to challenge them and these popular beliefs. By listening to these videos you are reaffirming your confirmation. Surprisingly enough you would think that therapists would dig deepest into these issues but labeling people and saying that they are doomed is very superficial way of handling things and it doesnt take much skill. And believe me I was in the position you are in, believing therapy was the only solution. But the therapists or the tools that they give you are not what heals your partner it is the actual safe environment and the validation that begins to heal them and that is something that you can give her when you learn to do it right. You dont need therapy and many therapists are not on the vanguard of many things they are still applying things that dont work from since they were in grad school. A good coach inproves on their techniques. And trust me we didnt even have a honeymoon phase in our relationship. It was four years straight of “toxic” behavior. She did not give me any evidence that things can change I had to untether and come up with them myself.

A lot of people fall into this mindset, but ultimately, it's comfort food for our brain rather than the truth. ua-cam.com/video/p1LpIiVXavs/v-deo.html

@BeUltranormal single ... happiest and stress free I've been my whole life ... turns out believing in yourself and ignoring the haters works

​@@blackcorp0001 Walking away from stressful situations of course will make things feel less stressful. But ultimately blaming someone else for something that you have agency over is a fallacy. Walking away from a relationship is a choice, you either choose to learn and grow the skills and tools to cultivate the relationship or not. Choosing to not play basketball doesn't mean that basketball is the problem, it just means you are choosing to not play. Nothing wrong with that, but it doesn't mean that in order to play basketball and get all the benefits that success in basketball brings doesn't require learning, practice and skill. It just means you choose to not learn it. You can believe in yourself and 'the haters' can also have valid points :)

<3

boom!

boom!

Love this!

<3 thanks for stopping by and leaving the comment :) Have a good one

I'm sure someone out there has made that video if that's what you're looking for?