I Found a KINKY Speed Dating Show?!
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- Опубліковано 16 вер 2024
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↠ If you made it all the way to the bottom of this description comment 'IT WAS A SPECIAL OCCASION!' on this video!!
#thebutton #BEDUCATED #getbeducated
IT WAS A SPECIAL OCCASION
On my first date with my fiance, I wanted to make sure he knew about my past without going into it. I think I said something like "Consent is super important to me" and "I don't like fast movements towards me", and without going into specifics, he totally understood (and asked for permission for a first date hug). There are definitely ways to phrase it that don't give too much away but still get the point about x/y/z things are important to me as a person.
the song sid sings is Gloomy Sunday by Billie Holiday! she was most popular in the 40s and was openly bisexual! the music genre is vocal jazz or adult standards. i love 40s and 50s jazz some other artists are nina simone, ella fitzgerald, sarah vaughan, miles davis, chet baker i could go on lol probably my fav decades bcs the vocals are so raw and real! if you want more recs let me know :D
Thank you. You beat me to it. I absolutely adore Billie Holiday
@@devrenee7223 same! I was gonna suggest Billie Holiday
Ella Fitzgerald is also great!
You have great taste in jazz! Love the artists you listed--Dianna Krall did a studio album of the classic Jazz vocalists back in the ‘90’s. It’s a great album. My favorite from that era though is Ella. Ms. Fitzgerald sounds like she’s smiling while she sings-she’s sounds so warm, kind but also centered and mischievous. Enjoy the rest of your weekend 😊
Gloomy Sunday was written by Rezső Seress. Many have covered the song. While Billie Holiday wasn't the first, she is probably has the most famous version.
In the Neurodivergent community trauma dumping is a very common thing. We are so used to being "othered" that we tend to get stuff out up front because straight rejection is easier when you know that you are someone who is going to need a lot of extra affirmations and reassurance. It is a bit of a weeding out method. Hit em with the trauma dump, if they hang, we good.
yup. I also think what happened in the video wasn't necessarily a trauma dump. it was a very fair and honest disclosure without going into detail-- and i think it's important if you don't want to end up in a relationship with someone who you don't fit with/can't support you or vice versa. people have different needs and it should be normalized to state expectations and important things. but yeah it's a lot easier to be like "i have baggage, if you can chill with that we can chill and if you can't we can end this before it starts with minimal hurt feelings." it's the logical thing to do to protect yourself and others from undesired relationships. communication is the way.
I also think we're not rly subject to the social norm that we should feel like we have to hide some things and consider them shameful or private, we're just not socially conventional, that's the whole point.
I really appreciate them mentioning their recovery. I don't think its necessary to talk about a lot of deep stuff or past trauma, but if you are currently in recovery from an eating disorder or substances, thats a huge part of your life, sometimes to the extent that everything else has to be centred around it. For a lot of people, its impossible to talk authentically about your present life without mentioning your recovery.
i agree 100%
Also autistic people tend to overshare, even with people they're seeing for the first time. Talking from expierence :D. If I like you and you like me, why hide who I am? At least that's how I see it :).
About disclosing too much on the first date: Being autistic, I feel like that's pretty normal! We like to get to know people from deep to shallow. We test the deep waters before putting our time and energy into the shallows. We face more rejection than allistics, and it hurts less if you get there quickly rather than getting your hopes up. Plus, reading people from small talk is really hard. Not saying it's a good system, but it does mean we tend to be comfy with trauma dumping as it just immediately takes down walls so we can see each other's true character.
That is such a perfect explanation that I screenshot this comment
I agree. I also struggle to get interested in people at all if we're only touching surface level stuff. Doesn't mean you need to disclose your most vulnerable feelings the first time we meet, but I do think it's often more important to autistic people to get to a deeper level FIRST, in order to trust someone with other stuff later.
So the kink button ends up being super wholesome... I like it
Why wouldn't it be?
I think Alayna's idea of the kink community is wrong.
Well it's pretty funny that the first three people who went up weren't apparently kinky at all - or at least never got to bring up their kinks
@@z-beeblebrox And the last two just talked about autism and recovery.
Oh damn, I even forgot that it was a kinky one, really-😵
You shared that you’re in a counseling program, and I just wanted to say that as a therapist myself, you have great active listening nonverbals. When the one person was talking about ED recovery, your face showed empathy, you were nodding, and you looked like you really cared about what they were saying… and they weren’t even sitting in the room with you! From that and what I know about you being a subscriber for so long, I think you’ll make a fantastic counselor/therapist.
So say we all. :-)
She's in a masters training to become a therapist rn!
I think especially in the context of kink, knowing someone's potential triggers and a little bit about their trauma is important. Vanilla sex is potentially triggering in and of itself of course, but there's so much more potential for accidental triggers when you're juggling kinks too. Asking triggers is standard for me before playing with a person, no matter how "light" the things we're doing are.
15:22 I'm neurospicy myself, and when I attempt things like this, it's less about the disclosure itself, and more about gauging their tolerance for a lack of etiquette.
"Neurospicy" ❤❤❤ I'm stealing this :)
Yes!
Alayna needs to be playing jazz lounge singing on her subwoofer 🎵🎵🎵
It was a special occasion
she's never going to live down that subwoofer haha
THATS WHAT I CAME HERE TO SAYYYY
My name is Steve Rodgers and I got that reference...😄
Those two are both adorable. I thought the girl was so attractive when she first came out and seeing her end up with small autistic stoner boy (literally me) made me smile.
In terms of disclosing stuff early, I think it depends on the situation. For disordered eating, I feel it would be particularly good to bring it up early as food is such a common topic of discussion and a lot of people's dates centre around food, like going out to dinner and stuff.
Also from my experience, autistic people just like to be open and honest really fast. Not particularly interested in skirting around issues and it's great if you can find someone else who also vibes with that.
Exactly. And it's also pretty privileged to never have to feel like you need to disclose any private details early on. I think if you're dealing with disability, or trauma, or some disorder (whether mental or physical), it often just puts an extra burden on the person already suffering NOT to disclose any of those things, because then you can't get any kind of support or understanding and will need to hide/mask your issues. Which in turn can lead to further issues if you get to know someone more, since they suddenly encounter issues they didn't know about earlier. Rather get them on the table early so people know what they're dealing with and whether it's something they're willing and able to be around for.
for sure disclosing trauma is different on the button than a regular date cause it's much easier to leave, but i feel like if the conversation is headed that direction saying a little bit is okay and then if your date wants to know more then you can go deeper
I gotta say, I’ve been on two whole dates in my life and honestly, both became trauma dumpy SO fast, like within the first five minutes kinda fast. I think it’s because as gay men we don’t get a lot of opportunity to meet people who relate to our experience and it’s also like a built in segue from “when did you come out?” “How did it go?” What does your family think of it?” I’ve had deeper existential discussions with gay guys I’ve just met than with straight guys I’ve known my whole life 😂
I'm in a BDSM relationship and very active in my local community. What do you want to know, Alayna? Also for the rest of you, ask me anything :D
I would like to know how to start out into BDSM? How to do it correctly, what needs to be learned, just a general where to start?
@@korkenzieherhaselnuss3354 Good question! Personally, I started with searching out my local community. From your nickname, I would assume you are German? How old are you? If under 27, you can google SMJG and then the next bigger city. If over 27, most SMJG munches have an alumni division where everybody can participate.
The SMJG/Alumni meet-ups are monthly munches where you can meet kinky people and start building your personal event-network. I am on 2 munches and one play party every month. You'll learn a lot about safe practices and what to look out for. Also, many people advertise workshops in those networks, if you are interested in sth specific. Hope that helps!
Hi I would love to learn as well I live in the UK and I have no clue where to like even start. I wouldn't even know what to google to try and find my local community
@@isabel8045 hm, have you tried "BDSM Munch -your city-"?
Otherwise you can try registering to fetlife. Be warned though, fetlife can be nice to find events and connect to others, but it's a cesspool of white cis men trying to hit you up for sex if you are female.
Any advice for wax play?
Here's the extreme edit of this video:
Alayna: "I'm very interested in kink. [...] I"m [...] into ferns." :)
IT WAS S SPECIAL OCCASION!
OMG that's honestly the cutest coupling ive ever seen the button do... it was far too sweet and innocent for this episode lol
Therapist and kink enthusiast here, there is a kink convention hosted in Vancouver BC called Northwest Bound! They have classes you can go to, demos you can see, vendors and stuff. It is a great way to see a lot of kink with real people in real time. 😊
Talking about the trauma talk on the first date, I personally have done this myself. If you're really vibing with someone on the first date, I do think it's kind of important to open up about certain things that could potentially be a deal breaker for that person. I only say this because if my baggage is going to be too much for someone, I think I'd rather know on the first date that it's not going to work out, rather than going out multiple times and potentially catching feelings for this person and THEN finding out it won't work.
Like I said, I think it very much comes down to whether or not you could see things going further with someone.
The bar I work at has a monthly Goth night where it alternates between kink night and dance night. The people that come are the kindest crowd we get, and they're very good about keeping everyone comfortable for the demonstrations. You don't have to participate, you can sit and watch in the theater or just drink at the bar. It's pretty cool! It introduces people to the kink community in an easy to approach way.
Another thing on the disclosure thing, is that sometimes autistic people (myself included lol) have a hard time knowing what is and is t necessarily appropriate to share. I often either really overshare or under share, so this could be something like that. I don’t have any input on the dating part as I’ve never dated but I know that even making friends I often jump in super hard sooner than other people are comfortable with🤷🏻♀️
For those wondering about the smiley piercing, yes it does reject very easily and is a rough piercing to get done, and yes it does absolutely wreck your teeth. I'd recommend a lip piercing of some kind maybe a labret just not a smiley.
Wow, I disagree! I think it's one of the easiest and painlessest piercings to get, though it's possible not with every person's anatomy. Probably if anatomy doesn't allow it or\and the piercer is inadequate, the piercing will reject. But if done properly it should be okay and heal fast. It can damage teeth and be uncomfortable with some jewellery but a small thin ring, for example, can stay at your gums and don't evet touch your teeth, be only slightly sensible, while looking nice when you smile. There are also a loooot of ways to do a labret piercing wrong and bother your teeth with it.
I've been studying BDSM theory for the last... over three years, so a little bit. I always get a bit nervous when someone who doesn't seem to talk about kink makes a video relating to it, I just have to brace myself for so many misconceptions. But this one's good! Awesome job learning and you know a bit already, especially about public perceptions, and asking questions! Being open minded! I appreciate that! i will not be as nervous if Alayna posted a video with similar titles. A note that kink isn't always sexual but yeah.
wow didn't know there was bdsm theory too! would love to know if you have any recommendations for literature in that field of topic, especially for someone who have just only started to explore the topic in more depth.
@@sebastian-lb7ko I haven't been able to get my hands on many physical books yet and it does depend what subject you're looking for, but Evie Lupine on this platform is an educator and she has tons of recommendations on all sorts of subjects, general and very specific!
I love that the notes on the vids are now a third perspective, it makes it really funny when Alayna is making fun of herself that the text is also just adding to it
Alayna..long response but this feels so validating to hear you question the whole (IMO) oversharing an inappropriate amount of our trauma or inner most vulnerable details immediately. Also in the field of psych and I know “openness” is so encouraged. I have wondered if my trauma of growing up abused has caused me to be more guarded… but lve given much thought to this topic lately. Mainly due to a date with a woman l meshed well with online. Last week… I meet her for lunch. We are 15 min into the date…. she says “l read energies and you have a lot of trauma.” I would have preferred you stripped me naked on the spot. I am an extrovert and enjoy being around people. She shut me down immediately. I ordered tea… no food and booked it fast.
I spent the rest the day questioning my career choice, my education, my desire to ever leave my apartment again. But… if we open up our most sacred pieces to the mass… what’s even sacred? Is it all just meant for general consumption? Isn’t it okay to hold the pieces that are closest to our core for those who show it’s safe to let them see them?
Thank you!! Your comment resonated with me… in a “show it all” culture where we feel comfortable exposing everything… maybe it’s okay if some of us wait for a sign of “safety” before we give you access to that which is deepest. I don’t judge anyone for their personal choices… at all. But l am reserved and l feel so affirmed by your observation… so thank you!
God l love you!
Xoxoxo
I'm so sorry for this situation with your date and the doubts it has caused you. This was/is just such an insensitive and boundary crossing thing to say.
(And on another note: if this person is as good in reading energies as she claims to be, then what about the walls/guards up that a person has? Shouldn't they be able to read these energies aswell and rather act upon them instead of possibly triggering someone just for the satisfaction of being able to say 'I can read energies'?)
I just wanted to let you know that your needs for safety are so so valid and you're absolutely right for treating your inner world with respect💛
Maybe some people just feel safer more early on than you do, though? I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here, people just have different paces and levels of comfort.
@@rosa.1247 awww thank you!! I am fairly openish… but man that was like 15min in let’s spread out my trauma! Lol that’s romantically bonding for some perhaps!
But you make an excellent point! I do usually “sense” peoples individual preferences pretty quick! If she truly “reads energies” like in a psychic way… she’d of “sensed” l grew up molested by an uncle. I don’t need to dive into that 15min into first date. Thx though!
I appreciate your validation more than you know, because you never know how things will come across or be received online. You are so kind! ❤️❤️❤️
@@Steertanzer then she should spill her trauma first 15min not mine! Lol
You feel me?
@@shannonbolton6005 haha yes you're absolutely correct, if she wants the vulnerable openness within the first 15 minutes - she should have been the one spilling trauma left and right. I hope u feel better now that u sorted it out in ur mind, your feeling are valid!!
I always think about how fast can I trust and open up about my SA trauma? is it really necessary for someone to know WHY am I so up about the verbal consent? Shouldn't it be the norm already? There's always a weirdly sensitive wall up in my mind thinking "what if they'd nod in understanding and then, when we're in the moment do something similar that would traumatize me even more tho"?
but anyway, sorry for the long ass trauma dumping message, much love.
I have selfharm scars so the first date ALWAYS goes towards the trauma side of life. I usually feel out the conversation to see whether or not I disclose anything beyond 'I've had a lot of issues growing up in a not so great household'. It all depends on how safe someone feels to me and how much I think the date is going to go anywhere. The person I've been dating for two months now, knows some tidbits of what might have happened, but I've only hinted at it, not disclosed anything. It'll come whenever it comes up.
Loving this video! I just wanted to say that I think anything that’s not vanilla is a part of being kinky, and that I think it’s a spectrum with more or less kink on either end, so while handcuffs may not seem very kinky, it is indeed pretty kinky, when you think about it compared to vanilla sex
Samara joy for modern jazz.
Sarah Vaughan, hazel Scott, Bessie Smith for them oldies.
Sam Cooke is also great- less Smokey jazz but bluey
I'm hereeee!!! ❤ Also if you are looking for Jazz, i'd recommend Laufey. She's an Icelandic and Chinese Jazz singer and she did do a song with Dodie.
Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett have done a few albums together that I feel like are right up that alley.
Laufey is such a great suggestion. Incredible voice, beautiful arrangements, her solo with guitar gets me every time.
I relate to the person in the flannel jacket who opened up about trauma on the first date. My friends tell me all the time to stop talking so much and to not tell people my life story. It’s hard because I have trouble cutting myself off from talking and it’s a real mess with telling people everything. It’s most likely the culprit in my shortage of dating experience.
lol Alayna I love that you were questioning if at the end it was too much to disclose about previous trauma because I’m also autistic and this is often a problem we face in dating where we prefer to dive straight into the deep stuff which scares other people away who usually prefer to start more surface level and slowly work up to that. It’s always hard for me to figure out how much to share in the first few dates because I’d actually prefer to know all that deep stuff about a person earlier rather than later. So it’s sweet they found someone who didn’t mind that 😊 (I don’t think one way is better, different approaches just work for different people!)
Re: the trauma thing, I think it really depends. I can see not wanting to disclose on a first date if it's something that's not particularly fresh, if it doesn't come up a lot in your dating life, and/or if it's something where it's easy to gauge how someone will be about it without asking directly (for example with an eating disorder, you can sometimes get a sense of how judgy someone is about food or whether they adhere to diet culture).
On the other hand, I think bringing it up is often a pretty good litmus test! Especially if it's something you're going to need support with, if working through it is an active part of your life right now and something you talk about a lot, if their attitude towards it is a deal-breaker, etc., bringing it up can quickly give you a sense of whether they're comfortable with being in a relationship with someone going through trauma, whether they're judgy / dismissive, and just how they are at communication in general. I get that it might be scary to feel like "wow I'm a lot, I'll scare people off," but if you're going through something big and that's a part of dating you, then it's better not to get attached to someone who can't handle it, and there are definitely people who can!
(Also worth noting, autistic folks tend to be more blunt than neurotypicals, so we might be more likely to take the direct approach, and knowing how someone handles this isn't a bad thing either!)
ive been active in the BDSM community for over 20 years on and off so i can try and answer questions to the best of my ability if anyone has any... but ill just say this a kink is any activity or action or object or whatever that you involve in your sexy time or gets you the sexy feels. Theres no spectrum of whats kinkier because every single kink is personal and subjective.
yeah i want to get into the whole dom/sub thing, are there any books or online workshops where i can learn how to be a responsible and good dom?
@@Noitsbecky101 You could look into Easton/Hardy: "The New Topping Book".
I've only ever been kinky in private, but would love to go to some public event. Which event/place would you suggest for a newbie?
@@DasOrangensaft. thank youu
@@Noitsbecky101 Sure. Enjoy. ☺️
Okay as far as trauma and mental health or heavy stuff on the first date, I'm a big fan of full disclosure. Maybe not the first time meeting,but before it becomes anything serious for sure, like let's hear the worst of it. My husband and I did this the day we decided to be officially in a relationship versus the before, a few basic dates.
If you are looking for some modern recommendations of amazing jazz vocalists: Lizz Wright, Esperanza Spalding (musical genius - she plays the bass & sings), and Madeleine Peyroux.
I absolutely co-sign the previously stated historical musicians.
You say you are not a comic and yet you continously make me laugh in every video! 😂😂❤
Hi! Cut has released SO many episodes of the button since your last episode abt the button.
i really like that saying “i’m opening to trying hard things”! i feel like it’s a nice reframing of a growth mindset and i need that alsjdjak
How exciting about being a counseling student! I graduated with my degree in mental health counseling in 2020, and it’s always exciting to welcome more into our community. Good luck with your schooling, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who would love to hear more about it.
Reading these comments made me realize it's pretty common for us "neurospicy" to overshare or trauma dump. I have been pretty self conscious about it. I have quite a bit of social anxiety. But at the same time I think for me its pretty important for the other person to know my background, because it makes me feel safer around the person based on how they respond. I feel like I'm balancing my fear of oversharing with the need for security.
Sid was singing music from the genre of American (jazz) standards! Artists like Ella Fitzgerald, Dina Washington and Billie Holiday are great places to start.
I think the major thing to keep in mind is the "don't yuck other peoples' yums." The Button gives them an easy way to opt out of those yucks if they need to.
ETA: Like "recovery for drugs" feels like the kind of yuck you can 100% opt out on. That feels like a good thing to lead with, so you can let them know how things are immediately.
This is pretty random but like thank you on the whole don't ask comedians to tell you a joke. Like that shit throws me into a mild anxiety attack every time it's so freaking annoying lol
I enjoy watching these videos from Cut, and then I get to rewatch with your commentary a couple weeks later. Love it! :)
I see a lot of people listing Jazz, but Blues also gives the vibe you're looking for. Usually slower and sadder
I HOPE THE LAST TWO ARE GONNA FALL MADLY IN LOVE FOREVER OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD PLEASE IM OBSESSED as an autistic person with a heavy past it was so healing to see the other person not be freaked out or anything oh my godddd
Even her "turn off, b!tch" at the end there, was so heckin' adorable.
How was this “kinky people trying to find love” hahaha. It was a nice video tho 🙌🏻
About the question, I definitely don’t think people owe such disclosures so soon. But if they want to, go for it hahaha
Alayna, PLEASE watch Love Is Blind- it really does do the "watch you fall in love, learn your story, and then see your relationship grow and maybe even fall apart"
That song Sid sang was Gloomy Sunday by Billie Holliday, and the style was blues/ jazz :)
If you feel that your trauma could be a problem up front, like someone having an issue that could be triggered by unintentional behavior, then I could see disclosing your trauma on the first date or before it. It can be kind of bad to trauma dump on someone who didnt ask for it, so I try not to, but sometimes the conversation just goes that way or a Button asks you a pointed question 😂
Hello Aalyna, My name is Morgan. I've have been watching your content for about a month now and I have to say I love it so much. Your videos always make me laugh and smile, I love them a lot despite not watching for long. You are fabulous,funny, and beautiful. Keep up the great content. ❤❤
I love this whole comment section, it's so wholesome and informative 🥰 I'm mostly a member of the kink community online, but I didn't think you came across as kink-shamey. Any worries about it were immediately negated by you being aware and asking about it. Tbh I was expecting more talk about kink in the cut video, seems like there wasn't much. I forget even that small amount probably seems extreme for people who aren't as familiar.
14:00 as someone who has had a smiley piercing for years... yes it does mess up your teeth after awhile 😅but it doesn't really clank, you get used to it really quickly
Yes Alayna! You definitely need a bit of vocal jazz in your life and on vinyl it is just superb so you get that whole old cosy sound too when playing it. That song was "Gloomy Sunday" mostly made famous by Billie Holiday but is an old Hungarian song originally about despair. Every time I hear that song I still get tears in my eyes
YYYYAAAAAAAASSSSSSSS, THE BUTTON REACTION🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏😫😫😫😫I LOVE THEM SO MUCH FROM YOU
14:05 yes, smiley piercings do damage your teeth a lot of times, they’re typically recommended as temporary piercings :)
To me, bringing up trauma or addiction on a first date could feel like fishing for someone with a saviour complex. Gives me the ick. But I guess each situation is different
Brene Brown talks a lot about the difference between open vulnerability and "flooding", where like a spotlight, you are blinding someone by oversharing all of your trauma. It's not ACTUALLY being vulnerable, that's just having poor boundaries. So, completely agree that it's a bit of a red flag to share so much.
I am a person who has done bad shit in the past and my view on sharing major background info is that if I thought I was going to get serious with someone that’s when I’d at the very least give a vague admittance of my past because someone who is with me for the long haul would have a right to know. In fact its the fear of my shit past actions coming back to haunt me that stops me dating. Like I all but got rid of the fear the person might hate me because thats a consequence but the idea someone I love may get hurt (emotionally) because of my past puts me off.
She sang Gloomy Sunday from Billie holiday, it's my absolute favourite song
I think this was a really light skim across the surface of their trauma. There aren't vivid descriptions of anything here, just a very brief mention that this is like, a big part of their life and what they are dealing with. In my opinion this is a totally normal and appropriate amount of disclosure for a first date.
I'm also definitely on team Communication and think that it is better to get the dealbreakers on the table in the first date so neither of you waste time on a person you are totally incompatible with.
I think there's a big difference between letting someone know you have trauma, and trauma dumping or oversharing. So, "I haven't dated in a while coz I was in a bad relationship so I took some time out to recover" vs "I haven't dated in years because my ex was abusive and gave me ptsd".
I'm not ok with trauma dumping or oversharing with people I've just met. If someone does it to me, I see it as a sign they might have boundary issues or treat me like a therapist. I've also overshared with people in the past and been taken advantage of. So I want to both respect people's boundaries and protect myself when I give vulnerable information.
I also think it's completely understandable for someone to feel uncomfortable with a complete stranger trauma dumping on them and doesn't necessarily mean they wouldn't be able to deal with that person's trauma if they were actually in a relationship with them.
I am AuDHD. It affects my whole life. Not everyone understands in what ways, but I like to share it asap. I also recently had a first date where someone disclosed they were a recovering alcoholic with BPD, Bipolar 2, and PTSD. I think most people would have been scared by all of that, but we had been texting back and forth. I could tell they were authentically working through these things and not letting them define who they are. So I guess it might depend. If you haven’t had time to really figure out someone’s character it could be damaging to share so much upfront. However, it’s great to know what you are getting into and if your values and lifestyles align. If you are someone who is dealing with a lot already and can’t be supportive of someone in a vulnerable state. It would be harmful to both of you to continue a relationship for awhile.
At 1:57, the "solid kink representation" mixed with the fisting movement, hilarious
yooooo alayna awww ur face is so cute watchin ur reactions before it finished, sometimes it feels like were friends reactin/respondin to it and im just watchin the video without watchin u alot lolll but i love your commentary and presence ofc
I LOVED that last date! I actually liked the open convo about mh struggles and the way the one on the left listened so attentively and how she responded🥰
3:41 i started choking on cocumber in my salat, when i saw that variety of courses they offer
Very good ad, approved😂
“We’ll give it to her !” 🤣. This was the funniest video yet 😂
Kink aware therapists are so important!
I feel that how much you reveal on a first date is VERY dependent on a lot of factors such as how comfortable you are with the person, how much of your time is taken by recovering from trauma, if your trauma is something somewhat serious (like drug use or ed) that may be important to know. I say those two specifically bc if you are in danger of relapse and the other person is too it may be best to avoid an intimate relationship until you both feel more sturdy in your sobriety. Trauma, in my experience, comes up rather early in dating even if only in a passing "I have trauma with this" kind of way and you don't go in depth. It's important to me at least to let partners know that Hey, sometimes I might not be able to give you the attention you want at that moment bc Im dealing with my own internal demons, but that doesn't mean I don't care. When I'm feeling better lets do something together. I have had trouble in the past with partners not being understanding that sometimes I'm going to go a little quiet (I had explained this to them before hand that there will be days I'm just mostly unresponsive over text bc I've had a trauma flashback) and them thinking I was doing it to hurt them. Thankfully my current relationships are all much more forgiving and understanding and just want me to feel better~
I'm open about my trauma and addiction and various disorders ect. I've been around the blooooock. Also disclosing that I was/will be doing sex work and I have children. Also matching up politically. For me it's important as heck to disclose all of that in the first few dates for sure. I need to see the reactio and see if they're willing to discuss it, how they do so.
If you are at the point in your life where you are ready to find your person, WITHHOLD NOTHING! Warts and all. Neither I, nor my spouse played the "best foot forward" game. We have been together 20 years now. Do you need to emotionally 🤮? No, but if It's pertainent to the flow of conversation, or if it is something that often frightens off most, rip the band-aid off before you get invested.
5:42 reminded me so much of Elijah from Not so average fangirl
I had this ex, I think it was the second time we went out together but our first official "date," and I started trying to tell him about my past relationships and the fuck-ups and things like that and he just stopped me and said, "hey, you don't have to explain yourself."
Over the years I keep feeding this impulse to warn potential partners about things but if I do it too early, they don't really listen because they're more excited about being together than about caring for my needs. Maybe my approach is too much too soon but I've realized trauma is not a first or second date topic if you want it to be taken seriously.
If you like the music style but might wanna have some modern songs, I do recommend Scott Bradley’s Post Modern Jukebox and then further into the vocalists they have on their tracks. Not for everyone but I really like it and hearing songs in very different styles.
I feel like as an autistic person on a first date I share a lot because I don’t understand vulnerability the most and I don’t understand why I would waste my time. Also it is the button and they did ask
@MissFenderr if you ever need to interview a kinky person, I'll be a willing participant! I would say I'm in the kink commynity. I would also say I'm a little more experienced than a beginner in the more common kinks. And a total NOOB in a new kink I just discovered.
Just wanted to say your my favorite creator, Alayna!! And you’ve really inspired me to go after my life goals, w regards to love, career, and health. Thank you for all you do ♥️
My now husband did the "do you like" switcheroo about Family Guy on our second date. I was mostly honest but cagey and said it wasn't my favorite. He said "ok good" and i was like what the hell.
You're hillarious 😂I definitely recommend you attend a kink convention and go to some classes if you want to focus on counseling kinky folks! Respectfully, you currently have kiiiind of a "I am baby" vibe whenever you talk about kink (though in an adorable way) lol. I did have a similar reaction to the *way* the person said rope was the kinkiest thing they'd ever done, to be fair, but yeah, rope is actually a huge subcommunity! A lot of folks are primarily into rope (or bondage in general) as their kink and you can build scenes around it with plenty of S&M (using the rope for pain), humiliation, predicament bondage, comforting headspace stuff, etc. Super versatile! ❤
What I disclose on a first date entirely depends on the other person and my comfort. If they ask and it feels comfortable, go ahead and talk about it. If not, say you're not comfortable talking about those things yet. Go with your gut
Gloomy Sunday by Billie Holiday :)
I think Sinéad O Connor also had a version, also love Heather Novas version of the song. Such a master piece ❤ @alayna
Maybe sharing trauma on the first date is dangerous/scary, but I think sometimes it may be important for someone to tell on the spot. Also, both said they are honest and direct, so it makes sense. In the end, each person with their own rhythm.
Maybe we are overanalyzing the button, so what?
Plus there is a big difference in mentioning what it is vs going into detail about it
To answer your question, some trauma or hard moment of your life could be sometimes so difficulte or/and so "fresh" that it's better to talk about it directly, like that, you are not gonna spend energy on someone how couldn't understand why you could be acting weird or being bad... I have beinn throw this kind of moments so I understand why he talk about it directly, but I also been surounded by people how can't understand because they never experience things that way, so it's also normal to don't understand if you never experiment this, or if no one verry close from you experiment this ! Nice video by the way ! :)
And I really love the sincerity between those 2
I would and have absolutely shared things like the recovery topics on a first date, but that may be because I’m also neurodivergent. I don’t understand or do small talk well and really don’t find it to be a useful way of getting to know someone *at all,* plus those things are very major aspects of one’s life. I’d want to know right away if those are deal-breakers for the other person before getting remotely invested in things.
I LOVE YOU ALAYNAAAAA 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻I love eating snacks while I watch cuz you’re literally my comfort channel 💙just thought I’d tell you that. And also I love this “the button” series. PLEASE continue 😂
15:20 big red flag for me. I personally have trust issues and if someone is able to say things like that on a first date (aside from saying you have autism), leads me to believe that they will say the things that you say to them as a secret to others.
My opinion is- Disclose heaps of things on the first date.. its awesome to be open to go off of that because then they can know everything well enough and start trying from the start with that in mind... a good match can accommodate. And want to. Its good to navigate everything from then on so you don't start spinning someine into a bad spot🤷♂️
You'll like Sammy Rae & the Friends (re: that type of singing)!!! They're awesome
15:40 it’s an autistic thing. It might not be the social norm but if you look at it from a matter of fact logical point of view it’s “I don’t want to waste either of our times, if you aren’t comfortable with this or think you can handle this then we shouldn’t pursue it”
YES TO GET EXTRA MUSIC IN MY LIFE LIKE THAT WOULD BE AWESOME I NEED A PLAYLIST GURL
Still waiting for a collab with watts the safe word 😁
“Like on purpose tho 😏” 😂 omg that got me.
HURRAY! ANOTHER CUT REACTION! Maybe, we will have another episode of gay secrets soon..
regarding the last couple, and caveat, this is just my opinion, is that they were really good about not being super trauma dumpy about it. another thing is, and I learned this from a couple of autistic friends, as well as some of my own experiences, is that autistic people have absolutely 0 slow burn xD so this seemed about par for the course honestly xD just some good ol neurospicy gettin to know ya
As far as what I like to share on a first date, I always share that I'm neurodivergent, my biggest allergies, and if it feels right I'll share that I'm divorced, although that has felt less relevant as I've gained more experience. I share that I'm neurodivergent to sort of gauge their reaction and decide if the person feels safe enough to accept all the weirdness that comes with it, and I will likely go more in depth because I genuinely enjoy talking about it. Allergies I think is self explanatory, and often I'll share those ahead of time since one of mine is perfume. I used to feel really self conscious about being divorced when I first entered the gay dating world, and I quickly learned that nobody really cares. These days I share it more as an interesting tidbit as opposed to a disclaimer.
Going off your question Alayna about how much you disclose I haven't been on a whole lot of dates, but in even friendships I definitely used to dump pretty quickly into the conversation I've noticed it as a thing I've seen a lot of other neurodivergent people do, "trauma dumping to each other" is something I have ended up doing with a few of my neurodivergent friends I have tried to get better about not dumping on others but I really think that it depends on the other person you're talking with and if you already know you feel good about the person
Alayna, RE: Jazz reccs, you would love this band called 'Pixie and the Gypsies'